VOL. III SEPTEMBER, 1921 NO.8 otI1HlllIUUlIUIUUIIIIIIIIIIIUlUlmIlUIlIlItIIlIt1ll111lll1lllllll11t1t1ll1l1lt1ll1l111mmm'MlllUtlUUII1I11III1Um"llIIIWl'lllll1111"'II'llIlIIllllllll'III1t111"'ltllllIlIlUI"'''''lll1ll1l11l1111Il''lItlllll'''ll''''''''llllUUtlm'llwmllIlU''U September Daze ~E reason a ~oor~alk~r wears a flower in his buttonhole is because .1. it won't stay In hIs hall'.

The chorus girl bread line: From the toast of Broadway to a crumb on Tenth Avenue.

Beauty is only skin-deep-and not always knee-high.

One thing no married man can understand is why Niagara Falls­ which is 35,000 years old-is still on its honeymoon.

A dumb-waiter is the shortest distance between two gossips.

Being in love is like sleeping in a pullman; no one can do it in comfort and some people can't do it at all.

Our memory goes back to the time when a " run" in a girl's stocl~ ing was a private affair.

When Little Eva began to talk about the angels, she wasn't referring to the backers of the show.

The modern dance craze started in the Garden of Eden-with the apple bounce.

" Let's be perfectly frank," she said, as she stepped between me and the setting sun. .

Woman tried to commit suicide by drinking a large bottle of iodine. She said there was a stain on her character. That's neither here nor there, but she certainly has a stain on her interior. Two THE TATLER THE TATLER Published Monthly by Henry WaterSKJn The TatierPublishing Corporation W ALTER E. COLBY president and Treasurer 1819 Broadway, New York City Editor - Single copies, 15 cents, obtained f rem all Waller E. Colby - William Mendelssohn- newsdeal.t$. By subscription one dollar Vice1prcs,dent and Secretary a yoar, in foreign countries $1.50 a year. Business Manager

Sel,tembel', 1921. Vol, 3. No. S. Entered liS second-clllSs millieI', MIIY 6, 1020, at the Post OlDce at New J:ol'k, N. Y., under the Act of Alarch 3: Is.li. COllyrlght, 1921, by the ~rlltler Publishing CorlJOl'uUon.

No t'Outributlons wl1l be retnrnCl! unless IIccolllpllnied ,by stulIl\led ali(I addressed envelope. TUE ~'ATu;n does not hold It..lf l'eslJOnsible tnr the 10"" or nOH-return of unsolicited conlrlbutlons.

Doesn't old General Humidity make A sign we soon expect to see tacke you feel like going down cellar and tying outside the lawyer's office is, "Divorces a,pink satin bow on the snow shovel?· a SPecialty - Eventually, Why Not Now?" A certain young Omaha woman had a man arrested because he threw her into Elephants are said to be afraid of a bathtub full of water with her clothes mice, but we'll bet the mice don't know onl it? Everyone to their own opinion, but we hold that the young man was quite modest about it. We object to all this scientific experi­ A Bronx girl yawned the other day, menting to lengthen human life. and now she is unable to close her mouth. Supposing they find it practical, what Making her look just like a married then? woman. Will we all get a whack at it? Not so you can notice it! They launched one of our superdread­ Wall Street backing will be secured, noughts the other day with prayer. and the invention WIll be made a monop- But they will use real ammunition . oly. The poor man will die as young as when she goes into action. ever. The hard-working bootlegger, on whose efforts we have been depending, An undertaker of Bayonne, N. J., who will turn up his toes right when we need has been dead for three years, is sum­ him most. moned to appear as a Grand Juror. Those we owe money to will live, and Bayonne will be shocked when they those who owe us money will cash in­ hear that the war is over. without any cash. Besides there will be exclusive list of A Jersey City man, after serving one long-livers, made up of the following: day as a policeman, quit the force to go W. J. Bryan, so he can run for presi­ back to his trade as a plumber. dent perpetually. It's easier to wipe a joint than to pull John D. Rockefeller, so he can be the one. wealthiest man in the world continually and play golf indefinitely. The Fourth of July was celebrated on United States senators,' so they can the fifth, but rent day is never celebra~d keep right on talking. on the 2d? Rich, uncles, who have promised us a legacy when they die. There's a song that says if you can't get a girl in the Summer time you can't Poor -relations, so they can keep on get a girl at all, but few of us ever have visiting us. such good luck as that. . Book agents. Life insurance agents. A prize pig gets the prize because it's Coal dealers. a pig, and some men should get prizes Landlords. for the same reason? Income tax collectors. SEPTEMBER, 1921 Christine VVelford In IIScandals of 192r' Four THE TATLER

VV i th V a r i' a t ion s AULINE LORD is not the usual person. She has what might be termed an P ineluctable personality. She is refreshingly combative in her outlook. There is something astringent in her point of view. FBO)! THE MOTION PICTUBIl CLASSIC. . Pu~suing the same line of thought, to S!ly nothing of the same flow of language, 'we are llloved to remark: Raymond Hitchcock is not the usual person. He has what might be termed an indestructible personality. He is refreshingly wet in his outlook. Ther~'s a Volstead infringement in his point of view. DeWolf Hopper is not the usual person. He has what might be termed a marrying personality. He is recurrently connubial in his outlook. There is some­ thing Solomon-ic in his point of view. Harry Lauder is not the usual person. He has what might be termed a banker's personality. He is financially sound in his outlook. There is something Scotc1i in his point of view. Ann Pennington is not the usual person. She has what might be termed a terpsichorean personality. She is refreshingly dimpled in her outlook. There is nothing to complain of from any point of view.

. Look for the Labell LO ZIEGFELD has a grievance. He man, (7) the tin roofer's helper, (8) the F has registered a kick-in print, that self-filling booze-fighter, (9) the Y. M. is-not anatomically-against the girls C. A. worker, (10) the auction bridge of every walk of life, who have never fiend, (11) the ex-yeggman, and (12) been within striking distance of a Zieg­ the Sunday school superintendent - aU feld show, and yet whenever they get in the twelve men good and true-will get the clutches of the law, immediately an­ their heads together and decide as how nounce that they are Ziegfeld chorus she oughtn't to have done it, but seeing girls-on the theory that the jury will as how she's a Ziegfeld showgirl, they relent at least fifty per cent. mustn't be too hard on her. Whenever these girls are out after two In view of all which, who can blame a. m., they explain that they are just Mr. Ziegfeld? returning from a Ziegfeld rehearsal. Since lying, however, is only a penal Whenever they are caught helping to offense in certain forms, w~ don't exactly dispose of illegally-gotten liquor, they see what' the impresario is going to do say that they were taking a bracer for about it. tomorrow's Ziegfeld chorus work. All we can sug~st is that every girl Whenever they are interrupted at a admitted to the sacred ranks of pulch­ stag party, for which they are putting ritude be stamped with an indelible Zieg­ on a dance specialtY,they murmur some­ feld trade-mark (registered), applied to thing about having been a Ziegfeld show some inconspicuous spot (if any), and girl. thereafter this label be used as a mark And when they come up in court the of identification. next morning, the chances are that (1) With this arrangement, any girl who the butcher, (2) the plasterer, (3) the claimed to be a Ziegfeld product would real estate agent, (4) the retired cobbler, have to disclose the evidence, and Flo (5) the non-participating ticket-chopper, could bring legal action against the in­ (6) the newly naturalized night-watch- fringers.

Many a man has had his better judgment washed away by the waves in a woman's hair.

The average young man would be surprised to know how easy it is to kiss a girl who says she won't let him, SEPTEMBER, 1921 Five

II IH"ear- Intimate Bits About People You Know, Have Seen or Have Heard About HERE seems· to be "Why not?" T plenty of the forbid­ GJlp THE T ATLER "They say I've used it den liquid around Times up already for the year, Square, if the tales told of players' and there are eight months left of the breakdowns due to its use may be be­ year." lieved. For instance, a stage manager, "Good heavens! We are to eat air for without a sense of humor, appeared be­ eight months?" , fore the curtain to apologize for the in.: "Looks like it. But there is more. disposition of a'male star. They say they don't have to pay me any " Despite the fact that he is suffering of it until they see fit. And I believe from a slight paralysis of the tongue he mother's backing them." is courageously determined to play his "I see what your mother meant when role," said the long faced ,announcer. we called on her after the wedding. She The curtain rose. The male star ap­ said, ",You've married a wild boy and peared. Shouted a gallery god: it's up to you to make a man of him." "His tongue is paralyZed all right, She wants to put you on your own. You but why didn't you tell about the rest of will have to go to work." him having a stroke." "But I don't know how to do any- The truth behind the announcement of thing." a female star's nervous breakdown and "You can learn." her departure to Atlantic City fOI: a rest, "I would like to write plays." was that being unable to negotiate the " That is some slow job. Sammy Ship­ descent of a pair of stairs, a conspicuous man who helped to write • Friendly part of the action of the play, she had Enemies' and • East is West' said it to be assisted. But the aid came too late took him' nineteen years to learn to, write to prevent the smile that passed, ripple­ plays. You'd better tackle something like, over the faces of the audience. Much that brings in quicker returns." sympathy has been expressed for this "But I'm only twenty-three." case of more' or less secret dipsomania "I know it, Kid. But you'll grow up." because the victim is an example of the The conjugal confab ended in the power of heredity. The alcoholic sins of bride's going back to Chicago. "You for father and grandfather have been visited New York and a job. • Ta Ta'" was her upon her. But in the instance of the farewell. young man there is no such extenuating The young man almost cried to be fact. He is the son of one of the most taken along. He fancied himself, on the popular and conscientious writers in stage. But his bride was obdurate. "No America and husband of a much loved ham actor in our family," she said. star. He came to New York, was seen aim­ lessly walking Broadway, and looking 'llHE mystery of why Jessie Reed, a disconsolate in the waiting room of .I. queen of the show girls, at least the Florenz Ziegfeld, Jr.'s offices. After a highest-paid one, for she earns $100 a fortnight of walking the oft-trod paving week, left her millionaire's son husband, blocks of Playhouse Alley he vanished. after a four weeks honeymoon, has been His address is care maternal wing, Colo­ solved. The beautiful Titian-haired rado Springs, Colo. Texan has herself furnished the solution The wifely attitude is that since one of to her friends of the beauty show. She the family must work both must. says that when the pair reached Cleve. " If he works and makes good I'll take land, the groom's home town, the trus­ him back," she asserts. tees of his late father's estate sent for the young man and held a close confer­ HEN counting the beads of rapid ence with him. After four hours' ab­ W fire romances of Broadway, place sence he came back to their hotel. beauteous Edna Wheaton high on the list. "I hate to tell you," he said, "but they For Edna married someone the middle of won't give me my allowance." (Continued on next page) Six THE TATLER

(Continued from page 5) glum since the June wedding, which they the week a Wednesday or Thursday the did not attend. A simple wedding for a gossip bird tells me-and went to At­ millionairess it was, in the old gray lantic City for a honeymoon. At At­ frame cross - surmounted church at lantic City she met a· man whom she ad­ Sheepshead Bay, witnessed only by her mired more. Her heart jumped out of brother and a woman who had been her her bosom, as it were, ·straight into the schoolmate and who came from Phila­ embrace of this hero of the boardwalk. delphia. Edna related her heart experience to The bride had lived a secluded life her husband. The woman of today is during the widowhood. On~y the kindly frank. Concealment to her is neither ad­ rector of St. Mark's parish was a fre­ mirable nor necessary. Following this quent visitor in the red brick mansion. confession, he left, and one of the loveli­ It is understood that the bride, mindful est of the Follies Girls will soon sue for a of her maturity, and the claims of her divorce or be sued according to the com­ motherhood, asked the priest's advice. plaisance or nobility of her brief term "Follow your heart, my daughter, if husband. he is a good young man," is said to have been the good priest's counsel. Her heart had followed handsome Isn't it sad to think that Eve .never Eddie, it would seem, ever since they lived to know how stylishly she was met at a euchre party in Brooklyn when garbed? he modestly received the praise for his war record and tried to hide behind his H1LF.. the combers are mounting medals. W high at Manhattan Beach, and the His friends declare that the match was management is asking two dollars for a not a mercenary one on Eddie's part, for bath to keep the place exclusive, Eddie " he is very fond of her, you know." He Zimmerman, the handsome life saver, and is said to be her equal in_ education, at his autumnal bride are sp:mding their least, for he was an undergraduate of honeymoon in terror of the camera.. Lehigh University. Mr. and Mrs. Zimmerman are living in Illness prevented his finishing his one of. the show places of Manhattan course. Beach. It occupies half the block at the Manhattan Beach bath!,!rs say he ap­ jointure of Falmouth and Hampton Ave­ pears on the beach every day, ready as nues. Of red brick, it has a Spanish tile before, to save lives. But he has a better roof. It has twenty rooms and six baths. boarding place than before. A large garage and playhouse of similar construction add to its conveniences and Black-Why doesn't Miss Petite speak attractions. to him any more? . The play house was more than a con­ White-Well, he wrote her a note as~- . venience. It was practically a necessity. ing her if he could take he1' out to a For know you that the autumnal bride little suppe·r, and being slightly unde1' aforesaid is the mother of six children. the influence he W1'ote by mistake in the She was the widow of Cornelius Zane, corner R. S. V. B. D. the retired publisher of Philadelphia, when after a courtship of two years she concluded to become the bride of the stal­ HE disappearance of Rennold Wolf wart life guard. T from Broadway is causing much The good looking bridegroom, who is wagging of tongues. Not vinegar-tipped so averse to being snapped in the com­ tongues, but those dipped in the honey pany of his older bride, is an automobile of sympathy, for the long, lean, former salesman or a bond salesman in the critic has the humanly warm heart that ·winter, but has saved lives at Brighton is a magnet of friendship. His health is Beach and Manhattan Beach for six sum­ so impaired that he is said to have done mers. His prowess· on the beach is little work for a year. The claim is made proven by his rescue of between 250 and in certain quarters that his retirement 300 lives. His war record as an aviator from the newspaper which he faithfully is excellent. Hero in war, hero in hearts. and brilliantly served for fourteen years The bride's parents, Mr. Murray and was not voluntary but was caused by his wife, of Philadelphia, strongly dis­ pressure from a firm against which he approve of the match. They have been (Continued on page 8)· SEPTEMBER, 1921 Seven

KYRA- An artistic pose, by Mishkin, of the famous dancer in "The Whirl of New York" at the Winter Garden ..'" . Eight THE TATLER

(Continued from page 6) per that did it. ·The patron can't kick, of bears personal animosity. Or it may be . course, but the gloom that settles on his the boot is on the other foot. At all brow is thick enough to make a London events it is said that he was asked to fog look like a rainbow. resign. He went to London to watch the production of the play which he had a share in writing, "The Man Behind the When they say "a good man (or Gun." Since his return he has attended woman) gone wrong," they mean a good a few public dinners. He made a speech man (or woman) just found cut. on the Davids of Broadway at the ban­ quet tendered to David W. Griffith at the Hotel Astor. The host of theatre THE expected battle of the widow and folk whom he has paragraphed say they " the other woman" a contest of the will play at any testimonial anywhere will of a late manager, did not take given for him, if ever desired, which they place. The widow's submission to the hope it will not be. terms of tlie will occasioned three days' wonder, until persons of long memory began to talk. . A Texas man has divorced l~is eightv­ " The case isn't what you think it is" year old wife. He said she had too many said these wiseacres. The truth is th~t friends. the first couple were never married. Some chicken! There was no benefit of clergy business. She was, let us say, a very gay flirt in .California. Her first name was used by Dutch'~ E wonder whether Jeffrey Farnol, most who knew her. The prefix" W the British novelist, found time to was used with it. Gay blades of the saunter backstage at the Astor Theatre passing generation knew her. She met during his recent sojourn in New York. the manager somewhere in the Middle Perhaps, because he's an author with West. That's all she will say about it. inore than a trace of sentiment in his na­ The person who would ask her for a ture, he did-just for pld times' sake. It's glimpse of her marriage certificate strange the shifts of fortune which ten would be indiscreet, for there is none. years will make. When Farnol visited Why, then, didn't he marry the other this country ten years ago, he carried woman? Because his" wife" could have the manuscript of "The Broad High­ proven the common law phase of their way" under his arm, and when the fickle twenty-eight years together. And she dame declined to smile on him in seeking would have brought suit for bigamy. a publisher, the author was final1y com­ There would have been a display of soiled linen, involving both of them him pel1ed to take a job as a scene painter pro~nent at tpe Astor Theatre. The wolf was at with actresses, now retired, the door and-figuratively speaking-he and her In several escapades, including threw a paint brush in its face. And the required vacating of her rooms in a now the novelist, with willing publishers Boardwalk Hotel at Atlantic City. The dogging his tracks, can smile at his pot would have commented upon the earlier hardships. sooty appearance of the kettle and the kettle would have retaliated.

': Yo.u can do a lot with a whisper, if 'you Just know how to manage it. This . T'!-IJenty-two Princeton senior!J say they is what the manager of one of the ex­ have never been kissed. pensive cafes in the Fifth Avenue dis­ Our grandmothers also used to say the trict has discovered and he has found well-known lunar orb was composed of ~he k~owled.ge so valu;able that he is giv­ green cheese. ~ng his waiters special training 'in the art of the subrosa hint. A waiter whis­ pers to a patron confidentially that he pERCY HAMMOND, who is coming can serve a vermouth cocktail for a dol­ from Chicago to enter the fold of lar. The patron jumps at the chance dramatic critics, was invited to dinner and in a few moments a non-alcoholi~ the other day at a party which included cocktail is set before him. It's t~e whis- (Continued on page 10) SEPTEMBER, 1921 Nine Gracing the Silver Sheet

Constance Binney, Reala1"t star Ten THE TATLER

(Continued from page 8) pered to the usher: "What are they several actresses. One of them, who has playing now?" " " felt the lash of critical scorn on more " The Fifth Symphony," was the reply. than one occasion and was just in the "Thank God," breathed the actress, mood for a little dig of her own, asked "I've missed four of 'em!" the writer what he intended to call his column of dramatic criticism. Hammond 'SAID Benjamin Hampton once at a confessed that he hadn't made up his soup-and-fish affair of the Western mind. "Really?" drawled the actress. Motion Picture Advertisers: "Motion "Then, if I might make a suggestion, pictures are a universal language why not-' Read 'em and weep '? " through which all peoples can come to understand each other and join in The whirligig of public favor turns peace." fast. A certain show-girl, only a few Is it possible, Mr. Hampton? years ago one of the toasts of the town, Or, perhaps you refer to all peoples now dines alone every night in a little except the studio-tribes? tea-room on the "Join in peace?" upper West side, Sounds swee~ but and then g 0 e s -not if we know drearily back to GRIN"'S FAIRY TALES Hollywood! her lovely apart­ ment, which was N CONFERENCE. ARBARA decorated for her I " I'll never speak to her again." B CASTLE­ by the most fa­ MoneY back if you're not satisfied. TON, screen star, mous woman inte­ "I really don't need to wear corsets." has joined the rior decorator in ran k s of the America, and Her first kiss. would-be divorcees. w h i c h contains F.F. V. She says that her scores of almost One-man top. life with George priceless g i f t s W. Z i m mer­ fro m admirers. Correct weight: one cent man was "one bill She still applies ': No beer; no work." collector after an­ the lip-stick as "All packages sent in plain wrappings." other" and that conscientiously as keeping a husband ever and lavishes Oriental rugs. is expensive these just as m u c h Turkish cigarettes. days, even on a m 0 n e y on her " By special appointment to His Majesty." star's salary. She , war d robe-but is also going to "still "she is left For medical use only. amend her com­ "alone with her p I a i n t with a memories. cruelty c h a r g e . Zimmerman is a practicing attorney in She is a vaudeville headliner, and al­ Vancouver, B. C., but Barbara says all though she's an "artist-" when it comes he ever practiced was how to spend her to drawing a good salary in the two-a­ money faster than she could earn it! day, she's not much of an artist so far as the other arts are concerned. In fact, GT)AULINE FREDERICK just can't her career has left her practically uncon­ T seem to make up her mind which taminated by culture - and she's never chap she will marry. -When she returned missed it. Not long ago, however, some­ to Hollywood with the glamor of New one upon whom she wished to make a York and Willard Mack still upon her, good impression began to talk highbrow she announced a possible resumption of music to her, and wound up by inviting their marital life, but now says it's not "her t9 a symphony concert. so--yet. In New York, Willard Mack She -concealed her true feelings, and confided to the reporters that they had accepted. She figured that by saying become reunited and that wedding bells nothing, and by sighing as soulfully as were in prospect. But Polly's still try­ she knew how, she might get away with ing to decide whether to accept Mack's it. They were delayed in reaching the protestations of renewed allegiance or a concert hall, and the program was on. certain splendid Western chap's unques- 9n the way down the aisle, she whis- " tioned loyalty. - SEPTEMBER, 1921 Elevell

Miss Gertrude Vanderbilt in a typically beautifUl Lucille gown of red (cerise) silver cloth, elaborately embroidered in rhinestones and pearls. The under- skirts are of cerise chiffon Photo bv Allred Cheney Johne/o.. Twelve THE TATLER

The Taboo VVhat.~ , the Bank Notes '2lf Ber/on '2lra/ef HE dir~ctors of a Chicago bank got HE magazines now glory in T their heads together the other day T A flavor mid-victorian; . and decided that their clerks were need­ You cannot get a story in ing a little fatherly attention. That's sensuous or skeptic, So they announced Ii new rule to the Where Hearst once spent his wallet on effect that no clerk receiving less than Sex stuff for Cosmopolitan $125 a month should ente17 into matri­ His magazine is .now so clean mony without consulting the bank's chief It's almost antiseptic. clerk. Apparently in Chicago a man who Such is the status of literachoor; makes less than $125 is supposed to be in Editors say, " Oh, be careful that you're love with his job-and nothing else. Ninety-nine decimal 44 pure! Or perhaps the directors fear that a (If you don't get my statistical dope man with nerve enough to marry on that Look up the ads about Ivory Soap). salary is· liable to run away with the safe. ~ . With Magazines Smart Set-ical It does not follow, however, that Or Snappy Story-etical simply because a man falls in love he's You may more energetical- going to fall into temptation. The world Ly sneer at prim tradition. is full of pqor but.otherwise honest But pabulum for vernal minds bridegrooms. " For undefiled Home Journal minds, And just why should the chief clerk be Devoid of sex, brings larger checks consulted? Our personal' experience And thus rewards ambition. with chief clerks in banks is tnilt they are no Cupids. Most of them are so thin Thus we are reaching an art that is truer that one of the well_known arrows would Elinor Glyn is passee, that is sure, miss them, and the majority are so J)ear­ Editors cry, " Oh be certain that you're sighted that they can't see a wife; Ninety-nine decimal 44 pure!" '~.' Moreover, the life of a chief' clerk won't be worth the paper he wraps his But books-that's something else again, lunch in if a few jilted girls find out There passion burns and melts again that. he came between them and wedded And under human pelts again bliss. He'll have to go abQut the streets Sex surges, you can bet you. . with an armed guard, like a load of So in your'book, be gay with it, silver bullion. Write sex-you'll get away with it; No, on the whole, we figure that the And yet, beware and have a car~ $125-clerks wilf have to make the deci­ Or Mr. S.umner'll get you! sion for themselves, letting their con­ sciences be their guide. If a man is will­ So in the main we are shunning the lure ing to ask a girl to split $125 with him­ Striving our passionate yearnings to cure that's his affair, and her's. Editors say, " Oh be certain that you're Any girl who would take a clerk at Ninety-nine decimal 44 pure!" that figure should be able to manage him.

HOW TO BE POPULAR-AND WHERE N New York-Pour something hard out of a bottle. It doesn't make much dif­ I ference what it is-just so it's hard; i. e., hard to get, hard to drink, and hard to identify. . In Boston-Drop an .. r" out of Ha'vard, and put it on the end of idea; speak of Emerson as intimately as you do of the ice-man; go in strong for Boston common and copper preferred. In Chicago--Mention casually the number of times you have been held· up; take a dose of civic pride before and after every meal; invent a hat that won't blow off. In San Francisco--Whenever you feel an earthquake shock, rush up to the first person you meet and ask: .. Where's the fire?" SEPTEMBER, 1921 Thirteen

Artistic and Acrobatic

Evelyn Law in" Two Little Girls in Blue"

While Studio

Ve1'a D'A1'telle, who specializes in the 01'iental Fourteen THE TATLER Our Query Department o THE EDITOR: Which are the To the Editor-May I inquire through T easier to raise, ducks or chickens? your valuable medium as to how I shall AMELIA WOLTER. go about proposing to a very charming Depends on which kind of eggs you widow? WORRIED. bought-Ed. You don't have to propose. She'll marry you some day when you are not To the Editor-What -does .. Guaran­ looking,-Ed. teed by the Food and Drug Act" mean? CAREFUL. To the Editor-When you step on a Nothing:-Ed. lady's dress and tear it, what should you say? CLUMSY. To the Editor-What shall I do for the Y fY(,/, don't have to say, she will do all rose bugs in my garden? the saying. But we believe you are fak­ X. Y.Z. ing 1his. It is utte1'ly impossible to step If you think they are hung1'y, set out on a lady's dress while she is dancing un­ some morf1 roses.-Ed. less LiOU get a stepladder.-Ed.

To the Editor-In the celebrated and To the Editor-What's the difference popular card game called "Five Hun­ between a land and a nautical mile? dred," why do they always call the cards STUDENT. left for the one who makes trumps to Try to walk a nautical mile and fi1l

To the Editor-Every Summer I have To the Editor-I am a very good freckles, and it just makes me boil. dancer, but a stranger here and so I have Please tell me what to do DOTTIE. no partners. How can I get an intro- Have them in the Winter time when it duction so as 'to get a dance? J. J. is cold. That's a nice time to boil.-Ed. This is a very serious problem in etiquette, J. J., but we will put you hep. To the Editor-What is the distance The p,'oper .way to secure an introduc­ between Philadelphia and New York tion is to walk up to anyone in a dance City? . CURIOUS. emporium and say, " How about it, Kid?" It all depends on whether yOu are com- The young lady will smile and dance ing or going.-Ed. • with you.-Ed. I

When a woman thinks the world is all wrong something is the matter with her wardrobe. When a man feels that way something is the matter with his liver.

No more beehives in New York is the ruling. It has been suggested that all bees be muzzled. The man who made this suggestion is approaching the subject of bee stings iii the wrong direction.

Suggestion for small town warning to motorists: .. GO SLOW and see our city; GO FAST and see our jail." SEPTEMBER, 1921 Fifteen

ROSE ROLANDER- Eccentric-dancer who will be seen in 8 new Broadway production this winter Ira D. Schwarz Sixteen THE TATLER Beauty and the Ballot OMEONE who is running for office in Missouri has announced that he's going S after the feminine vote by handing out jars of cold cream. That's what we call flirting with disaster. No man who undertakes to win an eiection on a platform of wrinkle eradication-and fails to make good-need ever show himself in public again. . And it's in Missouri, too, where they have to be shown! That boy's due for some other kind of jars-besides cold cream ones. He'd better be pretty sure cof the stuff before he starts passing it around. We hope he has a wife or something he can try it out on. A campaign cigar never won an election and it never lost one. The worst it can do is to cause a decent citizen a half hour's annoyance. But when a woman gets cold cream she expects results. A man who promises to beautify a city can forget all about it after he gets in office, but a man who promises to beautify a citizenette has got to watch his step. Standing on a platform of "no wrinkles; no double-chins, and no obesity,". he's got to make good; otherwise the dear girls will put a crimp in him, the double-chins will decide they have been double-crossed, and the fat-figuratively speaking-will be in the fire. Let's not start this business of mixing beauty and politics. Otherwise we may wind up with a President of the United States who .delivers massages instead of messages.

EVER STOP TO THINK- UNSUNG HEROES HAT accounts are figures that must HE man who ate the first oyster; T be kept straight? . . T i. e., the first man to eat an oyster. That men· keep them straight by . The oyster he ate. means of adding machines, while The inventor of the olive. women use corsets for the same purpose? The man who remains faithful to his That the alphabet is a series of let­ palm beach suit through the second ters which are not nearly so interesting season. as the letters that are read in divorce The woman in summer furs.' and breach of promise cases? The man who paid for 'em. That the principal modern· use of the The person who invented the" Stop­ alphabet is to provide names for sub­ Go ", ,signal. marines and Summer underwear? The hotel patron who walks past a That there has never been an automo­ hat-check boy. bile accident in Abyssinia? The hat-check boy who lets him get That there probably won't be any away with it. until somebody brings'an automobile into The tenor in a male quartette. the country? Everybody in a female quartette. That alimony is the interest on the The gentleman behind you at the Win­ bonds of matrimony? ter Garden who refrains from announc­ ; That the modern farmer can raise ing that he's acquainted with the third anything? . from the end on the right. That he finds it just as hard to raise Ifhe .clerk who doesn't try to sell you money as the rest of us? something just as good. That woman is a rag, a bone and a The woman who can keep her monthly hank of hair1 " expense account straight. That the safest way to tell her so ,is The wom!ln who not only can - but over the telephone? DOES.

The average man never tries to ~et religion un~il he has tried everything else.

It's a hard life. Just as soon as a boy gets so big his mother cannot make him go to Sunday School, he gets a .wife who drags him off to church. SEPTEMBER, 1921 Seventeen Pretty Poses and Posies Eighteen THE TATLER Calendar for September Thu. I-AI Woods bought a blank verse tragedy by accident, 1931, and when he discovered the mistake, filled in the blanks. Fri. 2-Several churches converted into movies, 1922, but no movies converted into churches. Sat. 3-Having played in all the capitals of Europe, Elsie Janis opened in the capital of Afghanistan, 1927. Sun. 4-George Cohan wired Mme. Bernhardt for an option on her patented re- versible farewell. He wants to try it out over here. . Mon. 5-For the first time in twenty years no chorus girls were reported stranded west of Pittsburgh, 1924. Tue. 6-Picture companies began to take the public into their confidence as to the cost of productions, 1914. Wed. 7-Picture companies woke up to the fact that the public took their figures with a grain of salt, 1922. Thu. 8-Eddie Leonard went to work for Lew Dockstader, 1906. Leonard and Dockstader both still using burnt cork, 1921. Fri. 9-Bee Palmer got her shoulders insured for $100,000, but there was a shaky clause in the policy, 1920. Sat. lo-Walking sticks designed to hold a drink appeared, 1920, and some people began to carry canes in order to carry hooch. Sun. ll-Said William to Gordon Dooley: "It's going to be ~ lovely fall; " and they practiced it until it was. Mon. 12-Florence Moore can remember the time when she was timid and retiring on the stage; nowadays she's not timid, though often retiring. Tue. 13-Shuberts installed a new runway at the Winter Garden, 1930, and disposed of the old one to souvenir hunters. Wed. 14-Ziegfeld show girl complained of neglect because she hadn't bad an offer to go into the movies for three days, 1921. Thu. 15-" First Year" entered its last year, 1988, having broken all laughing records on a subject which is not a laughing matter. Fri. 16-Louis Mann disguised himself by wearing a different style of collar, 1924. Sat. 17-Mrs. Oscar Hammerstein made a public statement, 1931, which got by without a come-back from some other member of the family. Sun. 18-Man mistook Fifth Avenue traffic tower for projection booth, and ss.t down on the curb to wait for the movie, 1921. Mon. 19-William Faversham won first prize in expressive eyebrows contest. Tue. 2o-Raymond Hit~hcock won blue ribbon in expressive forelock contest. Wed. 21-Kay Laurel blames airplane flight for attack of pneumonia, but one can't help thinking of those photographs wrapped in nothing but a turkish towel may have something to do with it. . Thu. 22-French chorus girls box to keep their figures, but American chorus girls seem to manage theirs without gloves. Fri. 23-0nly three producers stopped counting box office receipts in 1920 long enough to.sigh over what a poor season it had been. Sat. 24-Last theatre in New York removed its summer seat covers and sent them to the cleaners. Sun. 25-Man who declared he had never tasted home-brew sent to Bellevue. Mon. 26-First-night criticisms of a new Belasco production made no .mention of the lighting, 1934. Tue. 27-Sennett bathing girl broke her contract by accidentally slipping into the water, 1919. Wed. 28-Broadway star admitted that not all her gowns came from Paris, 1921. Thu. 29-New joke in one musical show on Broadway failed to reappear in another one for almost a week, 1926. Fri. SO-First electric sign on Broadway said: "Buy Homes on Long Island." Wonder what the last one will say? SEPTEMBER, 1921 Nineteen Peeping Behind the Screen What Your Film Favorites Are Really Doing And Saying in Hollywood, The Hub of the Movie Universe OLLYWOOD, CAL. the tender age of 14, H -Who will be the Br ;MISS 7"ATLER when, returning unexpect­ next object of Mil­ edly one day to their domi­ dred Harri~' wifely nagging? cile, she found him in the embraces of Two of our husky young braves are another. That was in 1916. But now~ waging a battle for the transient affec­ after five-years in other company, jour­ tions of the exquisite Mildred, whose neys here and there and al\ unsuccessful love, it seems, resembles the gentle sojourn at another studio, she has now breeze that wanders. Now the compe­ returned to her original heart-mate. tition seems narrowed down to Jack Maybe she realizes that, even with his Pickford and Gareth Hughes, present infidelity, she can obtain far better re­ contestants -for the honor of becoming sults under his tutelage than elsewhere. the next recipient of her matrimonial But-such is the life of the Wandering dirt-slinging. We hope Jack wins-for Tribes-from boudoir to boudoir! we like Gareth, he's a mighty' nice boy and it would be a shame should he make RETA GILLMAN, 23 - year - old such a mistake as Charlie did. Jack, A comedienne, got the habit of elop­ however, can hold his own in any scrap: ing in the last reel of the Christie Matri­ So it would be a good thing were he and monial Vehicles in which she has been the lovely Mildred to wed and fight it appearing. So when Dr. A. A. Schwab, out. It would probably be a draw. known somewhat as a local dentist but still better as a sportman, proposed to N spite of the ever-busy Federal offi­ her, she took it as a matter of course I cials, rumor has it that the business and up and eloped with him. Dr. of "dope-peddling" still flourishes in Schwab has often startled these inno­ Hollywood. With the arrest recently of cent environs by his doings-particu­ Roy Rae Ripley, a motion picture actor, larly so when he recently chartered a while, allege the officers, passing drug to special train to convey himself and party Mrs. Claire Wilson, it was thought the to the Dempsey-Carpentier buzz, July 2d. morphine ring had been broken up. But Mother Gillman said she had never one hears still of drug-orgies, and those seen the groom. Well, isn't that the of the film colony who are addicts seem way in the movies? Daughter walks out well supplied, though their source of ob­ for a flirtation and finds herself wed. taining it is a mystery. One of the fore­ The picture in which the bride was most leading ladies of the screen, now " working" (they do call it that out performing before the camera in a series here) at the time of her elopement was of productions at a New York studio, has called .. In For Life." suffered such a widening of the nostrils Mebbe-but not necessarily. from the practice of inhaling .. dope .. that-she is contemplating -an operation of LBERTA E. WILSON, wife of some kind to restore her nose to its A John Fleming Wilson, noted author former aquiline beauty. We might sug­ and scenario-writer, wants to get out. She gest a clothes-pin-or- refraining from has sued for divorce, stating her hus­ this form of pleasure for a time might band's income is $30,000 a year. Hmmm, secure the desired result! scenario writing must be picking up!

VERY famous dusky-haired tomboy OME perfectly shocking" ads" ap­ A comedienne is back at her old S peared in otherwise respectable Los stamping ground, cutting up her cus­ Angeles newspapers. Many startled tomary hilarious didoes after journeys to Mamas hid the papers away that ~heir other studios and hearths. She had been inquisitive daughters might not run on the payroll of a foremost comedy­ across these sugar-coated advertise- chief for about sixteen years, or since (Continued on ne~t page) Twenty THE TATLER

(Continued from page 19) tunities to display her charms upon the ments for young women to adorn a­ silver sheet. harem! Yes, a HAREM! In Holly­ Anyway, Mabel is back at the old wood where, even though it does get itself homestead, so to speak, antic-ing in in the divorce-courts, the population is " Mollie-O " and maintains discreet still United-Statesian and not Turkish, silence. And still the wonder grows: and when a chap has more than one What happened to Mabel's Goldwyn Nuisance, he doesn't advertise the fact! aspirations? But investigation disclosed that the harem belonged to Dick Ferris, a part OST, strayed or stolen. Jewels, we of the show at the Actors' Fund Festi­ L mean, Everybody's losing 'j!m, or val. So the Mamas all apologized for letting them get stolen, or something. misjudging Richard-and wondered why First it was Anita Stewart. A burglar in the samhill such a handsome chap entered her home via the old-fashioned would have to advertise! plumber-method and made off with sev­ eral thousand dollars' worth of jewels­ according to Charlie Condon, her en- HY is it that Theodore Kosloff's terprising press agent. , W genius is having so difficult a time asserting itself before the eyes of But the Burglars' Union is voted a the public? Because it is too increas­ clean ticket in the matter of the loss of ingly well known to the envious eyes of Mrs. Tholl)as H. Ince's $5,000 pearl neck­ lace. She admitted she just lost it, care­ the studio! less-like, while with a party on the beach. The public every day is becoming more fou~d aware of the unjust discrimination It was by little Billy Noble, of against Kosloff, the Russian genius, Hollywood, who said he was "just rak­ whose art is of the eyes and the tense ing around in the sand and raked it mouth rather than all over the yard. out." The" find" grew out of the youngster's suggestion to the producer's, One hears of, and wonders why, Kosloff's son that they "go out there and rake scenes are "cut" so, with much of his around 'till we find it." Mr. Ince loaded best work eliminated; why he is given his car full of kiddies armed with rakes small parts, often "bits," when his con­ and good intentions and took them the' summate skill in bigger things has been to beach and the results of the' " raking­ proven. party" were highly successful, Why? Because there are various Oh, well, being a hard-worked Iltar or male luminaries who have cause to feel a society-driven wife of a producer has envious of the Kosloff genius? its compensations ... one's jewels dis­ All pictures must be cut, of course, appear ... and one gets the panacea and it is often necessary to eliminate of publicity. many scenes containing splendid work; some times even a: star's scene is cut. But-WHY are Theodore Kosloff's OMEHOW Harold Lloyd just can't scenes stripped to the barest thread? S keep out of print-but he always WHY is such a finished actor often does manage to get publicity in the forced to hide his art under the bushel nicest, most respectable ways! Like his of anonymity? recent burglary, which didn't mature. A WHY? Ask the Green-Eyed Demon beautiful blonde, attired as a "flower­ on the Lasky lot! girl" with papier mache blooms for sale, appeared one evening at the Lloyd home, on South Hoover Street. Gaylord UST after "What Happened to Lloyd, the comedian's brother, answered J Rosa?" was produced, pretty Mabel the bell. While he succumbed, to her Normand packed up her lip-stick and charm, her two accomplices entered the moved back to the Mack Sennett lot­ house via the basement, their noise at­ where she used to cavort so merrily be­ tracting father' Lloyd. The burglars got fore the lure of the lucre took her out to away-also the beauteous "flower-girl." Culver City. What happened to Mabel Also our credulity. to make her change allegiance and dress­ Anyway, the police believed it. ing-rooms?' Some say the lucre didn't P. S.-The burglars did not tarry materialize beyond the lure stage; others long enough to state whether they were whisper 'twas because the dainty come­ after Harold's jools or just his glassless dienne wasn't given sufficient oppor- specs. ' SEPTEMBER, 1921 Twenty-one A Page Of Pulchritude.

All in the .. Scandals of 1921"

Photo. by Edward. Thayer Monroe Twenty.two THE TATLER There -Are Still Heroes N these piping times of peac~, about the only way a man can gain a reputation I for conspicuous bravery is by serving as a judge in a baby contest. It's. not th~ babies that make baby contests so dangerous; it's the mothers. It it were only a question of pleasing the tiny tots, as they are called, the judge could get around that easily enough. - All he needs do is pat each one on the head and tickle each one on the sole of its foot, and then say to himself: "Eeny-Meeny-Miny-Mo "-and put the blue ribbon on " Mo." • No baby minds not getting a blue ribbon unl~ss he gets the idea that it's some­ thing to eat. And'in that case the judge can squat,:e himself by thrusting an all-day sucker in the objector's mouth. Mothers are not so easy to bribe._ Each 'one has a perfect baby-and admits it. A judge who differs with her has his 'work cut out for him. . Standards for judging bab~es vary according to the age of the contestant. At six months the baby should be able to look in the direction of unexpected noises (such as the pulling of a cork out of a pint bottle), and should be able to follow bright objects with its eyes. A silver dollar may be used as a bright object, if you can borrow one. . At twelve months the baby should be able to stand unsupported by either its .grandmother or a monthly allowance. At eighteen months it should be able to recognize frequent visitors, such as bill collectors and the iceman. At two 'years the baby should be able to speak a little slang and begin to tease for cigarettes (especially if it's a girl).

NO WAY OUT OUT OF LUCK MET her in the subway There was a knock-kneed lady, I And she stared down at me. So beautiful of face, I did not know the lady The contest for to wed her Nor e'en the name of she. Became a vicious race.

She concentrated on me. She was the queen of Broadway· Her anger was not hid. The boys she did entrance. Did I get up and give her my seat? Then the skirts went up above the knees You know dam well I did, And she didn't have a chance.

In a certain old English town, married couples who have passed through the first year of matrimony without regrets are given a side of bacon. Over here, bacon's too expensive so they generally just get a divorce instead.

FOR MEN AND WOMEN ILL show reduction taking place in 11 days or money re­ Wfunded. The reducer (not electricall reduces unsightly parts promptly, reducing only where ,.ou wish to lose and the Lawton Method Dissolves andEliminatessuperfluousfat from the System. Easily followed directions do not require exercises. starving. medicines or treatment: not only rids you of fat but improves appearance and general health, Brines Physical and Mental Vigor and enables you to regain and retain your normal weight. Dr. Lawton (shown in picture) reduced from 211 to 152 Ibs.; this re­ ducer and genuine method have been the meane whereby a great number of fat people through the United States and elsewhere have easily gotten rid of unhealthy. disfiguringfatty tissue. with­ Dr. Lawton out discomfort. Any stout man or woman canobtain these results Using Device ;'~~~:;l~OJ~:~dt:~;::~~uhc~~~~~~~~~~f:~~c~~~i:;d: DR. THOMAS LAWTON. DepL230 120West 70th St.• NewYork SEPTEM'BER, 1921 Twenty-three For the Fashionable \IV oman Bp BETTY GRANT HIS is the month our thoughts begin to T turn to theatres, the dansants, etc. One of the prettiest frocks for a "the dansant" I have seen is a black and white combination. The bodice is of figured white canton crepe, the little revers look as if they had been cut from the pattern of the ones on your tailored suit, the sleeves are very short. The under­ skirt is slender and of black moire, the bouffant tunic is of black silk net, banded with moire. The uneven hem line, that is so popular, is achieved by the two fringed ends of the black moire sash.

Lisette is a new cloth for fall. It resembles c l' e p e marocain but of a

Miss Gertrllde Vallderb:lt ·ill a, blac~' sport satin gtripped tC,t" .t(l''r010 balllis 0/ white sat1l1- buttons 0/ tchite satin

Allot1l.e'· dainty gOlOn 0/ M,ss Vande,'bilt's - t!'OIlS­ Miss Beryl lilt. Jolm Mc­ ers of black clldffon spotted 0010 in a gOlcn oj black with fjolll- slllock 0/ ab­ vel'vet cau(J11 t up all aile sinth.e ureen chiffon em­ side-jet straps ave,· the broidered in uold - girdle sholliller, A peacll-colOl'elt MODELS ON THIS PAGE BY LUCILLE 0/ bille-oreen chiffon eduerl tulle bolO fltlishes the 10ith bindin(Js and gold tcaist Photos by Alfred Cheney Johnston /ringe Twenty.jour THE TATLER

(Continued from page 23) for fall, although a great many ·iuxedo gossamer firmness, with a crinkled sur­ models are shown. A very attractive face. tuxedo model was made of black Bolivia with a standing collar of gray krimmer. A new cire taffeta that is being fea­ tured is very interesting. It is exceed­ A new imported material for coats is a ingly light as to the construction of chiffon velvet treated to a process wIlich cloth and finish. The cire effect is slight, gives it a Persian lamb lur finish. It is there being none of the high lustre that being shown in dark brown or black. A this treatment sometimes gives to satins. very attractive coat was made of this material in black on slender lines and Red isn't going to die with the summer had a shawl collar and cuffs of flying foliage. A shade called Amneris,-'be­ squirrel. - tween a rose and a red seems to promise a popular fall run. Another new color is Bouton d'Or-a tan yellow-and is Speaking of coats brinKS to mind a particularly good combined with black. very novel idea for a fur coat I have seen recently. It was a plaid effect in For extra skirts for fall stripes seem combination of gray squirrel and seal. to be the vogue. If the stripes are not woven into the material, stripes of glossy A straight coat 'of gray caracul and braid will be applied in the inverted stunning big collar and cuffs of gray fox. pleats. Think this would be a very good way to freshen up a skirt you did not wear much last fall. High fur collars and flaring cuffs of fur are still going to be used a lot on coats and even suits. Even long haireq The popular model for cloth dresses fur for chin collars is shown. seems to be the coat effect. An odd fur sport coat was made of Crepes have been used almost to excess skunk. There is some talk of this fur for summer hats but in spite of that it taking the place of leopard and raccoon is possible that they will still be popular thjs fall for sport coats. for the early fall lines of millinery. To give the crepe a heavier look for the cooler season, embroidery or heavy Gauntlet gloves for fall in two tones stitching will be used. of brown are very popular. The grosset or strap at the wrist introducing the Felts are being shown for early fall lighter shade. wear, mostly tailored numbers using the hand blocked idea. Very little has been Long black suede gloves are in great done with felt recently but it certainly demand. After all is there anything l\loks as if it were coming back into its quite so dressy? own this winter. In Paris black felt has been used to great advantage. Wonder Fairly large modem beads, in a if the American woman will take to it. variety of colors, and patterns are being ~sed on crepe de chine blouses. The pat­ Narrow widths of grosgrain, cire and terns seem to almost cover the waist al­ cut velvet ribbons are going to figure though the beads are not set so closely prominently as trimming for fall hats. together as to make the waist too heavy. I have seen hats with the whole crown or the complete facing 0:( narrow ribbon. Monkey fur is also being used to great Although black is talked of for fall advantage on various styles of blouses. hats, bright colors are still going to be popular. Black crepe dresses are much Here is the latest secret from Paris. in demand and a bright colored hat Just You may be Interested In It and agaIn adds the brightening touch. you may not. Our French sisters are having red tips put on their cigarettes The straight line loosely belted model to hide the rouge marks. Rather a good seems to be the favored one for coats idea don't you think? SEPTEMBER, 1921 Twenty·five

Stars 10 th e Five ... Reelers

Ma?"ie P?'evost, star.

Lucy Fox, a Pathe !avo?'ite

PlIO taB bV Edward Tha·lIer Monroe Twenty.six THE TATLER Nursery Scandal EAR SIR: While Dr. . bby is a re:l1 baby and D. Straton, Dr. Crafts, ~f Lisle 6]]ell not a grown-uj? olle. Mr. Sumner and the other Let us procc::d to the vigilant boys of the uplift have been pur.- next examp!e: suing other pur-sewers, I have gone Goosey, gooSf.y, ~?nder, where dost thou thoroughly into the question of the con- wander? tamination of the young and innocent- Upstairs and c!ownstairs, and in my minded through the medium of nursery lady's chamber; rhymes, and I am shocked and .chagrined There I met a man who wouldn't S&y at the alarming state into which I find his prayers, • them. Evidently, they l].ave not been. iIi- Took him by the hind legs and threw vestigated for a long time, 'and a lot of him down the stairs. double entendre and that sort of' thing What must' an innocent child think of is the result. such disreputable goings-on? The idee In order .to go into this ·crying evil of a man in a ladY's chamber, and with with the 'utmost detail, I have been sit- no religion, is enough to warp all concep­ ting up nights with Mother Goose. Don't tions of decency. These bedroom scenes, misunderstand me--we were well chap- . backstairs discoveries, and unseemly eroned. There are so many shady nooks' brawls.have no place in nursery rhymes. in the old jingles that the safest course There's a whole Al Woods farce in those would be to condemn them entirely, and four line~, and personally, we' can't sie substitute something more scientific, such a single redeeming feature in them. The as the well-known work of Drs. Bib and lady should have been. more discreet. Tucker, "What Every Infant Should And perhaps the worst of all: Know," or Miss Pura Tanner's "Sex There was an old woman who liyed:in a Problems of the Cradle RolL" shoe, ., If, however, it is felt that this is too She had so many children she didn't radical a change, then I propose that the know what to do. worst of the verses be gone over by a She gave them all some broth without committee of uplift workers, and the ob- any bread, jectionable passages removed. Merely Then she whipped them' all soundly and as examples of what I have in mind, I put them to bed. ; call attention to several flagrant viola- In the first place, there is nothing to tions of good taste (as I practice it). indicate whether the old woman was ·Take the widely quoted nursery fav- married or not. Not only does she have orite: an embarrassing number of children, Bye, Baby Bunting, but there's no reference to the father. Daddy's gone a-hunting The very least thing to do, In the cir­ To get a little rabbit skin cumstances, is change "woman" to To wrap his Baby Bunting in. " widow." Besides, why was she living Obviously, the modern chorus girl im­ in a shoe? Couldn't she get mto a re­ plications are too shamelessly paraded in spectable place, or d'id the landlords ob­ these lines to make the jingle fit for in­ ject to children? All these questions rise fant enjoyment. The idea of a .. daddy" in the child's mind when it hears this -probably a WaU Street one--going out jingle, and I maintain that the dear lit­ and buying expensive furs for his tle ones should be shielded from the prob­ U baby" is one which should be rigidly lems of life as long as possible. excluded from the home. The American Instances might be multiplied to child finds out quickly enough about strengthen my contention, but I feel that these affairs even in spite of us re­ enough has been said to prove the case. formers. I am having several hundred banners The only way to render this jingle 'fit . printed, bearing the words "Down With for tender minds is to substitute" father Mother Goose." I want these banners of the child" for "daddy," and then to displayed on baby carriages throughout add a second verse, explaining that the the length and breadth of the land.

One reason why fewer children are tied to their mothers' apron .tring. the•• claV' is that fewer mothers wear aprons. SEPTEMBER, 1921 Twenty-seven By \/\lay of Contrast

and

Ann Dennis ?'eady IO?" a plunge into the m.e?·1'y whi?'l Twellty-eight THE TATLER

Back to the Styx BILE discoursing This awakens memories W the 'other night YJp Rop A. Giles in the bosom of Plato, with St. Vitus, my Wee and he opens up with a Gee board shimmied so that it shook harangue, longern the lecturer on a loose a leg, and has been running around seeing Chinatown bus, and St. Vitus, bipeddedly ever since. The spirits and who is ordinarily a happy guy, gets I don't get our stuff over so well when plumb disgusted and beats it to where the Wee Gee is loping around that way he can shake himself in comfort without with a leg gone, but we managed to get having to listen to a lot of matrimony over one hot one with the Wee Gee limp­ and such. ing perceptibly on the last lap. That left Shakespeare sitting alone St. Vitus and Bill Shakespeare and and we soon were en rapport. He said, Brutus and Plato and a bunch of the said he: boys were fussing along, trying to keep "I want you to throw me a rope, in out of the way of their dames, accord­ the matter of a misunderstauding that ing to the last Wee Gee message, and has run the gay mutt of the literary they bump into Marc Antony, who, it market. It is true that in my last will seems, was wearing crepe on his lamp, and testament, I bequeathed my second where Cleopatra had hung one on him best bed to my wife. But why not? It with the family frying spider, or maybe was a good proposition. The transac­ it was a golf club-but anyway, Marc, tion was above board. She got into it he joins the dame dodgers and they find for nothing. In fact she had nothing a spot under some trees, where they can when she got into it and lost nothing in enjoy some of that Celestial happiness getting out. for which the resort is noted, when the "Of course my wife went hollering dames ain't around. around among the neighbors about it. Marc, he insists on telling about his All wives do that. It's the way with troubles and the gang tries to hush him ' women. Give them a good second best up, but it ain't no use, because when a bed and they go squawking about not guy has a dame on his mind, he just geting twin beds and twin husbands to has to talk about it, and there you are, ,gl) with them. Since my friend Colum­ "I told her if she kept bringing in all bus discovered Connecticut, all the hus­ her pet snakes, I was going to walk out bands are getting twin wives, which is on her and reincarnate," said Marc, seek­ giving wives a new slant at personal ing sympathy. The gang just ho hums liberty, and the like 0' that. and so Marc proceeds: " How did I come to take to tragedy'? "She said the snakes were harmless Well, you see it was this way son: I got and never failed to attract attention, and married." I said ' Like attracts like' and from that one word led to another, and pretty soon she ups with something and k:nocks me, EPITAPH for a tail spin, and I hurt one of my wings. I told her to layaway from me These Are or I'd slam her slab-sided, which starts The Cutting Remarks her weeping, and hollering about going About a Man back to her mother, and I told her if No Longer Able to her mother was where she ought to be, it Defend Himself would melt the brass buckle on her Erected girdle, which makes Cleo sorer 'n sorer by and so she wallops me again, and I go His Relatives down in a nose dive, and come up with Who are so Pleasea this lamp, so you see how it is yourself." Brutus, he wasn't taking much in­ bvYlr His Dephfture That They 'Hired terest, and Marc asked him if he never 1~ was married nor nothing" and Brutus A Stonemason -:. just grits his teeth, and says that he to do was just wondering what he wasted that their· ' , wallop on Caesar for when he considers "HERE LyI'NG " how many other worse guys was at large. for them. SEPTEMBER, 1921 Popular On Stage and Screen

Carmel Myers, Universal Star Nickolas Mural! Thiny THE TATLER

I t I s Nothing But A When the lover swears by "yon silver moon" to be forever faithful to her; When the bride promises to love, honor and "obey"; When the Weather Man says it will be fair and cooler to-morrow; When the debtor promises to pay that little bill next Tuesday; When the doctor diagnoses a disease; When a new play opens on Broadway; When you see a shapely girl on the street; When a lawyer tells you what the ruling of the judge will be; When you order hash; When you make a "safe investment"; When your wife will be dressed for the theatre; When you read a railroad time table; When you go to a new ,Summer resort hotel; When a preacher tells you what the hereafter ,.,ill be like; When you name the baby in adva,nce; When you take a steamer for England; When you eat cucumbers; W~en you run for your train; When you read an epitaph; When you pass o~.

A NEW GAME HOW HEAVY ARE YOURS? OUISE, thE seven year-old hopeful of CIENCE keeps getting more roman­ L a Brooklyn househo'd, has a passion S tie all the time. It's just been hav­ for cards, which is a source of distress to ing a perfectly lovely time weighing her old uncle, a religious man. That the kisses. youngster does not know one C:l,rd from Yes, kisses' do weigh. They do way another, and that her games consist of with lots of things. shuffling and dealing and the indiscrim­ A Frenchman, who volunteered his inate use of a few terms she has picked services out of his devotion to science, up from her elders does not a!lay the old has been eomputing the weight of oscula­ gentleman's fears in the least. He thinks tion in its various manifestations. He that some day the child will really learn has evolved a standard of weight, acting to play, and then there's no telling what as his own scales. it will lead to. It appears that the lip kiss is not the While t~e old gentleman Wa3 shop­ lightest kiss known to science. ping for the holidays he saw on the The lips, he says, are not the most counter of one of the department stores sensitive part of the faee and they are what he thought would prove a solution chiefly used for kissing-not because of of the difficulty. It was a set of Bible their peculiar fitness-but merely from cards. Here was a chance to turn the force of habit. ehild's love for cards to go:>d account. For example, it takes a much harder Louise was delighted with the cards. kiss on the lips to put across the same To her they seemed exactly like those sensation which can be obtained by kiss­ her mother used for bridge. So eager ing temples. was she to experiment with her new pos­ To create an equally weighty tingle sessions that she would have no break­ you must impress a two-milligram on the fast. To her surprise, the uncle not forehead or cheek, a three-milligram kiss only eneouraged her to play, but offered on the eyelid, a five-milligram kiss on the to be her partner. Louise dealt the lips, or fifteen milligrams on the finger eards. tips. .. Now, unele," she asked, with a pro­ The lip kiss, whieh is our favorite lit­ fessional air, .. What have you got?" tle five-gram dose, is most popular, ir­ .. Well, dearie, on the first card is a respeetive of·weight. Perhaps that's be­ pieture of Moses." cause you ean erowd on a few extra' .. All right, uncle," said the child, ounces without hUl'ting anyone's feel­ .. Moses is trumps. Go ahead." ings. SEPTEMBER, 1921 TlIirty-one A Pair of Youthful .Beauties

Kathleen Meye1"S in the movies

D01'othy Walke1' in the new "Greenwich Village Follies"

Ola MlJ!Iters Studio ..,., Thirty4wo THE TATLER A Short History of Beds s an article of furniture, a bed may ing bed is the in-a-door kind. You start A be almost anything. As one of the for the bedroom, and it comes out to meet props in a modern farce, it has to be all you. If you occupy a room containing that-and then some. one of them, half the time you can't make Beds are of two general kinds; the 'out whether you are going out or the bed domestic and the wild. The domestic is coming in. And after it has dropped ones are the kind that are slept in; the down on you carelessly a couple of times, wild ones are the kind that are crept un­ you don't much care. der-and they are frequently quite wild. There is also a disguised bed in the There is no such thing as a mixing of get-up of a library table. It has fake the breeds. A bedroom farce bed knows drawers and a literary veneer, and if you its place-which is not in the home; and place a lamp and a few books on it, it a fireside bed never forgets its early looks almost human. training sufficiently to aspire to the Only don't try to open the drawer. We stage. did that once, looking for a dictionary. The crept-under beds; i. e., beds for Instead of a dictionary, we got a mat­ creepers rather than sleepers, are usually tress. very ornate. Some of them are deco-, The first bed mentioned in history is rated within an inch of their four-post­ in the book of Deuteronomy. It belonged ers. The moment you see them you real­ to Og, King of Bashan. It was nine ize that they are not made for service cubits in length by four cubits in width, but for impropriety. or about sixteen by seven feet. Ap­ As a matter of fact, these beds would parantly Og was a longer king than his be the death of the average sleeper. They name indicates, and all we hope is that are not substantial enough, in the first he didn't have to travel much and put place, to withstand a prolonged siege Of up at hotels. Even in Kansas, where the snoring, and you couldn't turn over in legislature once voted that bedsheets them without ruining nineteen yards of must be not less than nine feet in length, imitation lace and perhaps strangling to he couldn't have slept with comfort. death in baby ribbon. The bed built for Solomon was of cedar The common, or boudoir, variety of from Lebanon, so that the wise king bed comes in many styles. A few years wouldn't be molested by moths. It had ago, the. folding variety was especially pillars of silver and its bottom was gold. popular. It was treacherous, which Sleeping on a row of gold slats must doubtless explains why it's not as popu­ have been rather difficult for the king, lar as it once was. No one ever went to but perhaps after his matrimonial ex­ sleep in a folding bed without saying his periences, he was hardened to anything. prayers, whether he was accustomed to Bedsprings were first made of bamboo, them or not. You never knew whether but it has since been found that bamboo )Tou would wake up intact or in eternity. is more adaptable to putting a fish to Some of these beds folded once, and some sleep than a human being. . folded twice. Once was enough. In rural districts, corn husks were When folded up for the day, they held formerly used to stuff mattresses. They a mirror in their false fronts and were were all right when you first went to looked upon as quite imposing. A fold­ bed, but after an hour or so, the husks ing bed in a room was the most con­ seemed to turn to cobs. By morning you spicuous object for miles around. It hit generally had corns on your spine. you in the eye the moment you opened Great strides have been made in mat­ the door, and if you sat down in a chair, tress manufacture. Nowadays you can it seemed to topple over and rest on your almost buy one with a guarantee of chest. eight-hours' sleep or your money back. These beds were frequently disguised, In conclusion, it may be said that beds but they never fooled anybody in the are not nearly as hard to lie in at night daytime. They did that at night. One as they are to .. layoff of " in the morn- of the more modern versions of the fold- ing. .

The newest bathing girl trick is to smoke a cigarette while floating. But it'~ not as useful as the oldest bathing girl trick-which is to almost ~rown. ~ J J I' I III j' I

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