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Event Programme THE ANKH-MORPORK FOOTBAJLL ASSOCIATION FOOTBALL EXTRAVAGANZA CONSISTING OF TESTIMONIAL MATCHES BETWEEN PREMIUM LEAGUE & VISITING TEAMS SATURDAY 10th OaOBER 2009 OFFICIAL PROGRAMME ^ SPONSORED BY TRAJVSWORLD BOOKAMKEltS TO THE GEJVTRY THE ANKH-MORPORK TIME TABLE FOOTBALL SATURDAY 10th Subject to any alteration, at any time. ASSOCIATION ASSEMBLE IN OaOBER 2009 THE SPORTS GROUND FROM 11AM At about NOON A WELCOME ADDRESS BY THE MANAGEMENT & TRAINERS OF TRANSWORLD PUBLISHERS, WHO ARE TODAY'S HOSTS. ' A day that Teams will ussemble and he checked by Officials of the will go down in A-M F^\.for weapons, foodstuffs, bottles, or other Football History, impediment to fair play. i A day that when in your Note: dotage; or next week, No Linesmen or Referee us to be offered any bribe or whenever is sooner, you inducement to influence the performance of their duties in ean show your sears and a fair ami impartial manner. say "1 was there," "I ate the pies, I turned TEAMS WILL ASSEMBLE up, paid up and played FOR THE ORGANISERS TO ALLOCATE BY the game". A DRAW BETWEEN ALL TEAMS PRESENT, From all over the eountry and beyond, young men PITCH NUMBER AND KICK-OFF TIMES and women answered the call. Joined the eolours, ROUND 1. and made for one day a THE MATCHES WILL sleepy town in Somerset the huh of football KICK-OFF prowess. They came because a man ROUND 2. wrote a book. They came THE WINNING TE^VMS (SURATVORS) because his publishers* WILL THEN PLAY offered free beer. They came to make history. ROUND 3 That man was, SIR TERRY PR.\TCHETT THE FINAL And the book was, THERE WILL BE A CUP. All the above is subject to subject & Acts of Gods UNSEEN ACADEMICALS *Trnnsworld Publishers oflAnuhm Tirwn. who rt-aUy diilti't kiu)w whitt they were letting themselves in for. Team 1 What a Team! THE DOLLY SISTERS PERIWINKLE RENTAWITCH CAROLINE DISCWORLD FOOTBALL CARDS KiRSTINE HEALD FROM UNSEEN ACADEMICALS HEATHER WILDE EACH CARP The Dolly Sisters have enjoyed a good season,which is more than canbe said is of their opponents. If it is not their heavy boots inflicting goals and contu• 36mm sions it is their use of the most foul & abusive language ever heard on a X football pitch which makes them a team difficult to beat. It takes a stout hearted, or stone deaf player not to flinch and lose his stride THE when the state of his 'smalls' & 'unmentionables' are bandied about for the ALBUM whole football ground to hear. is 20Bmm X 260mm Team 2 ANKH-MORPORK FAMOUS FOO UNITED? Mark Leslie Karl Kemp (Reaper) Darren (Dr Death) Hill Tom Foolery Aine (ex cpl in Monstrous Regt) ISSUED BY THE fOI.LT %m,Q% 1 Representing this team in this gume are some well known substitutes for the human race. It is hoped they are sober at the kick-ojf me ^ and apparently alive at the games 20 traditionally printed cards in full conclusion. colour and 6 page album for only £12.99 Available from: The Discworld Emporium www.discworldemporium.com Team 5 TEAM 3 The TRANSWORLD PUBLISHERS STEPHEN BRICCS FLYIXGFIYE AND HIS SPORTING GARY HARLEY BEN WILLIS ADAM DOBSON ROB WILKINS* THESPIANS ANTHONY MCCOWAN WATCH THEM SING, A veritiilile plethorsi of LISTEN TO THEM DANCE, footwork talent, honed YOU'LL BE AMAZED BY THEIR FANCY MOVES throngh lon^ luneh hours and endlewK AND INCREDIBLE COSTUMES. seNNionN with *|>ei- THE STAGE MIGHT BE THEIR FIRST LOVE, BUT .sonaF trainers. PLAYING TO ANY CROWD WILL DO, Tills team is one to ESPECIALLY IF THERE IS A CHANCE OF FREE wateh, if only beeausc a liettci' biineh of /hie FOOD & STRONG LIQUOR. wimvt youW iievei* be likely to find outside <>f Thitdy^Hparlotir. 80 jLadies, do keep yer hand on yer ha'penny. liht'cfott! slaffof* MvHNtK Trtmatt'ttrfiL Team 4 The Pifbfisheift, v.rloUinff their team to greater ejfortfi Substitute for Mr D Brown who is indisposed. THE UNSEEN Team 6-ish THE WINCANTON UNIVERSITY URCHINS A team of local scamps SC scallywags who when not stealing Not the ^Official' Unseen University MALC LAWRENCE lead off the roofs are to be found kicking a ball or a can around the streets of Wincanton. Team, but one made up of students JEAN GUITTET Jolly souls, they are fond of a lark and just love football. and other ne*er--do- wells'. ^ They played the First XI of the Royal Marines last season Hopefully there is nothing from the MARK biCKELL and won during injury time* Dungeon Dimensions about them. EDWARD W/VTT Only time will tell. ANDREW RABY * I'hat is the time it tookfor them to injure or incapacitate all of the RM* XI TERRY PRATCHETT earn 7? Due to tke very nature of tkis event, tliere coulJ well he a team, or even teams, tkat are somewKat peripatetic in nature and kavin^ -wanJereJ hy JeeiJe to avail tkemselves of a ^ame. SKould tliis occur tlien we skall ^reet tkem as 'sportsmen' make tkem welcome, ckeck tkeir studs and kid tkem 'kick-off in tke spirit of fraternal footkalL You may write tkeir cademica $ names in kere Dramatised by Stephen Briggs STAGED BY THE STUDIO THEATRE CLUB Unicorn Theatre, Abingdon 17 to 22 November Tickets still left for 17 & 18 November Enjoying the game •^Wincanton p Muddleton 18^0 www.StudioTheatreClub.com Tickets - £8.00 7.30 (with a 2.30 matinee on 21/11) ORDERING TICKETS To order, please send your request- WIKTCAMTON with a cheque (payable to 'STO and a stamped, addressed PAYILIOir envelope to- ?ESETARIA1( Studio Theatre Club, PO Box 1486. Oxford, oxa 9D0. Please mark mm your envelope, in the top left corner - UNSEEN ACADEMICALS. FIMWEEH OPTIONS £ CNJ0F HWSi: We only have tickets left for the Tuesday and Wednesday evening The Finest Food I BY performances. I SOUPS Freshly Coohed REQUEST ITS NOT JUST ABOUT FOOTBALL... and all sourced Audience members are encouraged to wear football scarves and within 5 miles bobble hats - but no whistles, or rattles. We'll have official team of this rosettes available at the theatre! Establishment LOCAL CIDERS WILL BE ON SALE RULES PERTAINING TO THE GAME OF FOOTBALL As AC.REKI) AT THE MEETING OF TlIE ANKH-MORl'ORK FOOTBALL ASSOCIATION STEEKma COMMITTEE (RULES) OF 23rd DA Y OF SPVNE Y' P.ll. 1. At the commencement of the play, the ball shall be kicked off from the middle of the ground: after every goal there shall be a kick-off in the same way. 2. No magic, necromancy, casting of spells, voodoo, or any other action likely to occasion a change in the outcome of the ball's direction of travel, or the corporate state of any player/players/referee/spectator is allowed. 3. After a goal, the losing side shall kick-off; the sides changing goals, unless a previous arrangement be made to the contrary. Note: there must be no flnancial or other inducement contained within this arrangement. 4. No caltrops, mines, pits, drugged or in any way unwholesome food stuffs or beverages are to be left in the vacated goal or its vicinity for the opposite team to find upon their occupation of the same. 5. The ball is 'out' when it has passed the line of the flag-posts on either side of the ground, in which case it shall be thrown in straight. It is not to be tampered with in any way or substituted for anything noxious. 6. The ball is 'behind' when it has passed the goal on either side of it. When the ball is 'behind' it shall be brought forward at the place where it left the ground, not more than ten paces, and kicked off. 7. Goal is when the ball is kicked through the flag-posts and under the string. 8. When a player catches the ball directly from the foot, he may kick it as he can without running with it. In no other case may the ball be touched with the hands, except to stop it. 9. No player is allowed to loiter between the ball and the adversaries' goal, threaten the goalkeeper or feed him victuals or strong drink. This includes, Ciders, Perry, Ale, Porter, or Proof Spirit. 10. No player is allowed to carry any offensive weapon into the game. This to include walking sticks, crutches, bath chairs/invalid carriages, bags, sacks, portmanteau, case, or handbag. 11. No player is allowed to bring on to the pitch any hoarding, advertisement, or placard. 12. In no case is holding a player, pushing with the hands, or tripping up allowed. WWW.PJSMPRINTS.COM 13. Any player may prevent another from getting to the ball by any means consistent with T-Shirts Mousemats Prints Greetings Cards Badges the ab<»ve rules. Nac Mac Feegles Hogswatch Cards Padfolios Laptop Bags 14. Every match shall be decided by a majority of goals. Not by Votes, Public Acclaim, Most Signed Books DVDs Mugs Postcards Posters Jewellery Players Left Standing, or decision made under threat or pecuniary advantage. 15. The person of the Referee is inviolate and must not be obstructed in the course of his duty in any way, nor are they to be subject to any threat or inducement to themselves, dependants, significant others or pets. BOOKS ILLUSTRATED LTD Books Illustrated are proud to THERE'S ONLY present the %0 'UNSEEN ACADEMICALS' EXHIBITION ONE at ANTIQUES FOR EVERYONE Birmingham NEC Saturday, TERRY 31 October 2009 11am - 6pm A rare opportunity to meet the •4- Discworld Illustrator, - PRATCHETT! PAUL KIDBY 1f and purchase original artworks. SPECIALIST DEALER IN THE FINE ART OF ILLUSTRATION For a complimentary invitation for twOp please e-mail, Exclusively presenting the [email protected] with Original Art of Paul Kidby your contact details.
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