WHEN SHAME BEGETS
SHAME
HOW NARCISSISTS HURT AND SHAME THEIR VICTIMS
CHRISTINE LOUIS DE CANONVILLE
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Copyright © Christine Louis de Canonville
1st edition, XII, MMXVIII
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Author: Christine Louis de Canonville
Title: When Shame Begets Shame
00Category: PSYCHOLOGY/Psychotherapy/General
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WHEN SHAME BEGETS
SHAME
HOW NARCISSISTS HURT AND SHAME THEIR VICTIMS
CHRISTINE LOUIS DE CANONVILLE
FOREWORD
I became aware of Christine’s work at a conference workshop and was struck by the relevance to the experience of some of my clients who were victims of this behaviour. The explanations offered during the workshop made sense to my beginning awareness of narcissistic behaviour, this learning facilitated me in supporting clients in their journey back to health. Thankfully, I availed of the opportunity to attend the workshops offered by Christine in the following year in which I gained from her personal experiences working with this behaviour in her personal and professional life. In reading the essays and her first book, Three Faces of Evil, I could understand in a more informed way what my clients were reliving in their narrative and to support the learning which facilitated their understanding of what they had been part of.
In this new book, I recognise the types of shame that my clients recount and it is interesting to be able to distinguish between the Narcissist and the Co-Narcissist. I find that the co-narcissist is, as Christine discusses, “a modest gentle and humble self that does not need to be the certain of attention”. Part of the therapeutic work is supporting the co-narcissist to look after their own needs and to not work as hard to please others.
In explaining the process of shame, she brings an understanding to what is a difficult learning for the child with lack of secure modelling, abandonment and the memories of what they see, hear and feel. The way this shame internalises, positively or negatively, sets up how that young person either develops or not, this unhealthy or toxic shame undermines the self-esteem and confidence of a secure individual leading to the False self which is where their pathological narcissism resides. Christine’s personal recollections shows how a therapist may hear of their experience in living with this behaviour, I have heard similar narratives in clients living and working in households and employment that have experienced this behaviour.
Christine explains how the victim cannot understand how anybody can be so manipulative and again this is my experience of clients where they cannot fathom how somebody they might love can treat them in this Jekyll and Hyde fashion. I agree with Christine’s assertion that it does not need to be a direct family member. The narratives I have listened to have been; teachers, extended families, partners, sports coaches, employers and their managers. One other point I have to agree with is that the co-narcissist has a target on their back and until they can develop an ability to recognise the behaviour in therapy they may be subject to a number of narcissistic relationships either professionally or personally.
To conclude, I would recommend this book to all therapists so that they are aware of what might be present in a client’s narrative. It is with this knowledge and awareness that one can understand what the client might have experienced in order that we, as professionals, may listen with a possible alternative hypothesis of the client’s experience. I commend Christine in her work and I thank her for enlightening me around this behaviour and in the assistance she offered me at a time when I experienced this behaviour in my professional life.
Eugene Mc Hugh, is a Psychotherapist/Counsellor in private practice and a Counsellor Educator in the Psychology Faculty in Dublin Business School.
ENDORSEMENTS
“Christine's book will bring new awareness to survivors and counsellors alike regarding narcissistic abuse and the shame that all victims endure. The relationship between two people in the dance of toxic narcissism has, thankfully, become mainstream conversation. Leave it to Christine Louis de Canonville to bring something new to the discussion. Everyone attempting to help heal victims needs to digest this work, take notes, and be prepared to help their clients take those needed accountability steps forward to help them past even becoming a survivor of abuse. The real evolution here is around accountability - the ultimate accountability for all of your relationships. Christine brings the relationship with yourself exactly where it needs to be - front and center where real healing begins. The next level starts with this book." —Kristin Walker CEO of Behavioural Health Provider Solutions, and Host of Mental Health News Radio
DEDICATION
In memory of Gerard, who found life so hard, and
made it hard for others.
But through you, my dear brother,
I found my life’s mission.
I hope, at last, that your spirit has found peace
in its spiritual home.
Table of Contents
Foreword
Endorsements
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Chapter 01: Introduction ...... 1
Chapter 02: Toxic Shame: The Narcissist and Co-narcissist Conundrum...... 26 Chapter 03: Is There a Relationship Between Narcissism and Shame? .. 36
Chapter 04: The Narcissists and Co-narcissists Convoluted Dance...... 47
Chapter 05: What Is Narcissism and Co-narcissism Coupledom? ...... 59
Chapter 06: The Narcissistic Pilot and the Co-Narcissist Caretaker Live Parallel Lives...... 73
Chapter 07: Narcissism as a Pattern of Multi-addictions – Especially the addiction to “Self.” ...... 82
Chapter 08: The Revealing of the Personality: From Ego Strength to Ego Transcendence...... 94
Chapter 09: The Birth of the Broken Spirit of the Pathological Narcissist...... 107
Chapter 10: The Face of Shame in Adulthood...... 119
Chapter 11: The Formation of a Co-narcissist Caretaker...... 133
Chapter 12: Building Healthy Physical and Psychological Boundaries...... 141
Chapter 13: The Origins of Perfectionism (Frozen in the grip of the other)...... 148
Chapter 14: A Diamond Doesn’t Know Its Worth...... 158
Chapter 15: “It’s all about me”: The Narcissistic Sexual Predator and Entitlement………………...166
Chapter 16: Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame ...... 182
Chapter 17: Can the Co-narcissist’s Shame be Cured? ...... 192
Chapter 18: Narcissistic Abuse from a Shamanic Perspective: “The Narcissist Comes as a Gift, but Only If the Victim Choose to Accept It” ...... 231
Bibliography……………….…………………………………………… 244
About the Author ……………………………………...... 251
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I would like to thank all my wonderful teachers throughout the years who have encouraged me to grow, and who brought me to this point of my life, especially Professor Ivor Browne who led me to this path. To the therapists and supervisors who held me through my own personal journey of recovery from pathological narcissistic abuse and shame. To all the clients who allowed me to witness their pain and shame, thus helping me to develop a deeper understanding of the crippling effects of shame, especially in relation to narcissistic abuse. To the Irish Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists who understood the gap in therapists training. They graciously promoted my research and workshops by bringing the knowledge of Psychopathy to their members for free. I would also like to thank my family (Jacques, Sean, Sasha and Michael) for all the support they gave me, not just in time, but in very practical ways too. Without their help and professional expertise, I could not have provided all my knowledge to the world over the past few years. And finally, to my supervisor Barbara Egan and colleagues/friends (Michelle Mallon, Kristin S. Walker, Andrea Schneider, Denise Mullen, Gillian Demurtas, Marion Rackard, Gerry Cooney, Richard Bury, Ursula Somerville, and Trish Farrell), thank you all for your constant love and encouragement to keep going when I felt like giving up.
Chapter 1 Introduction
Shame is the ghost in the machine of the human mind. It can implant itself in the psyche before the first word is spoken even before the first thought is formed. (Gerald Loren Fishkin)
The Haughty and Arrogant Pathological Narcissist:
We have all met people, whether it is in the home, the workplace, or in friendships, who are so haughty and arrogant that they think of themselves as superior to everybody else. Not only do these individuals perceive themselves to be better than others but having labelled another person as inferior, they then hold that person in contempt and treat them little better than personal slaves. These traits indicate a level of unhealthy and abnormal narcissism. When taken to an extreme level, these behaviours can lead to a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), a condition that leaves the individual with an overinflated sense of self. To keep their vulnerable ego intact, the pathological narcissist needs an endless supply of empathic caretaking victims (co-narcissists) to tend to their grandiose needs.
It is important to say that NPD affects both males and females alike; it is a fallacy to think that narcissistic traits belong only to the male population of society. Such an error in thinking is dangerous in that it denies the harm that women can do to their victims. Women can have psychopathic personality disorder who have many traits in common with the typical male counterpart; woman can be equally detached, deceitful, manipulative, domineering, antagonistic, controlling, flirtatious, unempathic, uncaring, uncommitted, unreliable, reckless, and destructive. Female pathological narcissists render their victims to just as much pain, humiliation, chaos and destruction as that wielded out by their male counterparts, especially when referring to narcissistic mothers. When it comes to envy, there is no one more envious than a narcissistic woman. Her envy is a rage reaction whenever she is unable to control or possess something another person has. She bares intense resentment for anybody who she thinks has any form of advantage over her (it may be their educational abilities, their social status, their physical looks, their creativity, their success, their wealth, their popularity, or anything in fact).
Whatever the narcissist woman perceives another of having (that they do not possess), they are driven by an insatiable need to covet. Furthermore, it is a common misconception that male narcissists are more aggressive in general than female narcissists. In fact, both sexes are equally narcissistically aggressive, but it is displayed differently. From a descriptive analyses approach, the male narcissist is
- 1 - seen to be “overtly aggressive”. That means that he acts out physically violent interactions, (such as hitting, yelling, threatening body shaping etc), whereas, the female narcissists are more likely to use “relational aggression” (RA). Distinct from male physical aggression (where acts are meant to harm another person’s physical well-being), female relational aggression is a covert means of harming others through damage of social relationships. This is likely to be acted out through emotional violence, (i.e. manipulation, threats, purposefully silent treatment, spreading rumours, telling others not to engage with someone, talking about their victims to others etc). These behaviours harm others through damage (or the threat of damage) to relationships or feelings of acceptance, friendship or group inclusion. So, I hope it is clear that whenever I speak of “the narcissist”, I am meaning about both males and females.
Before I enter the phenomenon that is loosely labelled ‘shame’, I would like to give some insights in this chapter, into the dynamics of narcissistic abuse, and what is involved in the complex relationship between both the pathological narcissist and their victim. The main motivation for writing this book was that I wanted to understand my own experience of shame having been a victim of pathological narcissistic abuse, not just once, but four times during my lifetime. I now see shame as a much more complex phenomenon of pathological narcissism than I had first imagined, and how and why the narcissist's shame gets projected onto their victims, with such devastating effects.
The Narcissist’s God Complex:
A “God complex” is an unshakable belief characterized by consistently inflated feelings of personal ability, privilege, and an un-moving mindset that one is infallible. To be infallible means that one is so special that they are not capable of being wrong or failing in any task. The narcissist’s God Complex allows them to view themselves as infallible, therefore beyond the normal social rules that govern everybody else. As superior beings, they see others as mere minions that are there to serve them, and therefore, totally deserving to be shamelessly exploited at every opportunity by them. According to Dr. Van der Kolk: -
“People who are shameless have no empathy and have no concern for other people. They just do whatever they feel like doing without worrying, “What will people think about me? Will people dislike me?” People without shame are dangerous.”
Narcissists are so egocentric that they see themselves as the brightest "shining star" at the centre of their world, which leaves them totally indifferent to the rights and welfare of others. When challenged or confronted in any way, their fragile ego becomes narcissistically wounded. Because narcissists cannot tolerate any flaw in their perfect self, any such wounding will most likely trigger their shame- proneness (a tendency to experience shame in response to specific negative events). Perhaps it is important to make the distinction between shame and shame-proneness at this point. Tangney (1996) points out, that shame relates to actual emotional experiences at a point in time, whereas shame- proneness relates to those factors in place before shame is aroused.
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Unfortunately, pathological narcissists are especially sensitive to feeling shame, therefore shame- proneness is an abiding problem. Whenever their shame-proneness is triggered (whether real or imagined), it will most likely result in a spontaneous irrational and uncontrollable rage where others are bound to get badly hurt (Disproportional Reactions). The pathological narcissist's normal reaction to any insult, hurt or slight to their ego is to explode into a chronic and vengeful dissociative rage. When reaching this dissociative state, they will become totally insensitive to and unaware of the damage they do to their victim. They will rage whenever they feel unseen, misunderstood, unappreciated, and especially so when their victim fails to mirror the desired admiration that they crave. Their rage is likely to be totally uncontrolled and irrational, and way out of proportion to the situation that provoked it.
With righteous indignation and a sense of entitlement, the narcissistic rage will be acted out against the individual, who will take the full blame for causing the rage. The rage is meant to wound and inflict pain on the individual, and get even for any pain or insult they caused. Rage can also be triggered by narcissistic envy; because narcissists cannot abide seeing others having something they do not have. Their provoked rage is not necessarily a reaction to someone having material things only, for example, it could be that they envy the other person's rich inner life, or their acclaim in the eyes of others, or indeed their intellect. Shame vulnerability leaves the narcissist feeling deficient, inadequate, worthless, inferior, and unimportant. In this way, narcissistic shame is an intense pain related to the narcissist being seen as inferior or a social failure in any way, and can severely disintegrate the narcissist's sense of self, hence the rage.
Shaming a narcissist, even accidentally, will inflict a narcissistic wound, and is likely to be met with the same disdain as when one steps on a cat’s tail, that is, one is likely to get very badly scratched. The underlying motive of their rage is to cause a similar wound in the self-object (victim) who failed them. It is as if the narcissist is trying to displace their wound onto the victim, through their aggressive, indignant and punishing attitude (Almaas, 1996). The narcissist’s raging acts of aggression are their ways of getting revenge, righting a perceived wrong, and attempting to get their unrelenting control back. These individuals are unprincipled, and without doubt among the most difficult of the personality disorders to deal with. To remain safe, everybody should be able to recognise the “red flags” that signal that one is in the company of a pathological narcissist. Other than their behaviour, there is nothing to mark them out as being dangerous people. Therefore, knowing the tell-tail signs of the narcissist’s behaviour is the only way to protect oneself from being seduced and “hooked” by them as their source of co-narcissistic supply (their victim). When one becomes the narcissist’s source of supply, it is important to realise that their role is to become “the narcissist’s personal caretaker” for as long as the relationship lasts, and, to their great shame, the victim must play by the narcissist’s toxic rules.
Entering the depths of my own shame:
Most articles speak of shame as an emotion, however, I see it as being much more than that. Shame, more accurately, is a condition that cuts to the very core of the self, eventually causing a struggle within the Self. Shame has the power to inhabit the mind in a way that leaves the person feeling
- 3 - chronically inadequate, deficient and faulty. These states of being then become the victim’s invisible default setting that casts a shadow on their life, restricting their personal greatness. This book was a long time coming to fruition, because before I could do the book justice, I had to visit the depths of my own shame, and that turned out more of an adventure than I was expecting it to be. I thought I had done the best part of my healing work already, but writing this book brought me to a whole new level that I had never reached before (a Cellular Level). I had taken myself away to an Island for a month to start writing this book. On the very first day, I got off to a flying start. For the first time, I was talking about ‘my shame’ on paper, I had never done this before, not even when going through my personal therapy. Shame was never mentioned once by any therapist I worked with (but neither was the abuse of pathological narcissism).
Anyway, I had written about 7000 words, and all seemed to be going well. When I retired to bed that night, I was happy with how the writing was going, but when I woke up the next morning, it was a different story. Out of the blue, I had become very ill during the night. The symptoms began in my throat. My throat was completely restricted and sore, my voice was hoarse, and I had a burning fever. It was so overwhelming that it was as if I had gone into a spontaneous Holotropic experience. The sickness and fever lasted for 6 days, not allowing me to get out of my bed. During all that time, (both when awake and when sleeping), it seemed like I was going through every experience of shame I had ever experienced in my life. Some of the shame was my own, but a great deal of it was what had been projected onto me throughout my entire life.
It was as if I was in a movie where I was the main character up on the silver screen. As I watched myself in this movie, I was being shown every shameful facet of my life. I was brought right into the Cellular Memory, the database where all one's biographical shameful experiences are held; as if just waiting to be replayed when conditions were right. Cellular memory occurs whenever a person fails to clear the negative energy associated with trauma through the system. The memory of the trauma, rather than being processed through the brain, and moving from short-term memory into long-term memory, it ricochets and becomes lodged within the cells of the body. For me, evidently, unable to complain or talk of my abuse throughout my childhood, the fallout of my trauma had taken residence in the cells of my throat chakra (the different chakras sites within our bodies are the interface between our physical bodies and energy bodies).
As you can imagine, this took me completely by surprise, and taking me away from my writing, forcing me to become an inner witness to the ravages of my unexperienced shame; both the shame that was projected onto me, and those shameful imprints that I caused myself because of my own dysfunctional reactions to my pain. I can laugh now, but I was not laughing while on the roller-coaster ride through time and space, where my repressed and dissociated frozen memory came to life in front of my eyes. It was a totally transpersonal experience I shall never forget. I then had the job of processing and integrating all that had been revealed throughout the six days and nights of fevers. I am pleased to say that I could treat myself with empathy and compassion during that time, and the softness was indeed a powerful antidote to my shame.
When I had finally processed the painful raw memories, and my body had slowly returned to its natural state, the whole process was very healing and transformative. However, I had to for-go continuing
- 4 - with writing the book until the following year, when I returned to the Island once again. Having made the journey through the “shame-mire”, I now feel that I have earned the “stripes” that give me the right to share my wisdom with others. Hopefully, others (i.e. therapists and victims) can then better understand narcissistic abuse through the lens of shame, both their own shame and the narcissist’s projected shame.
The Pathological Narcissist and Co-narcissist Convoluted Dance:
In every narcissistic relationship, one will find both the pathological narcissist (perpetrator) and their co-narcissist (victim) partners in a convoluted dance. It is the job of the co-narcissistic victim to "cooperate" with their pathological narcissist, and to serve them (to caretake and validate them) in many ways. This is an unspoken contract that every narcissist expects their co-narcissist victim to honour. In effect, the victim is, according to Dr. Rappoport, 2005 (in his paper where he formalised the concept of the co-narcissist) "the reciprocal of the relationship". He says, “The essence of narcissism is a lack of ability to empathise. The person’s entire reference is themselves.” In other words, everything a narcissist does is centred around how it makes them look, feel, and whether or not it advances their goals. He explains, “If a narcissist is performing, the co-narcissist’s job is to serve as the audience”.
These patterns are learned in childhood, where a child is exposed to a narcissist caretaker, especially a narcissist parent. In such an environment, the co-narcissist child grows up believing that the only way they can feel validated, accepted, or feel safe, is to give in and to validate the narcissist instead. As a result, they are conditioned to serve, please, and to take responsibility for other people’s feelings, while their own inner world takes a backseat. Later in adulthood, the narcissist and the co-narcissist are often attracted to each other, because unconsciously, that dynamic feels familiar to them both.
For that reason, in this book, I have decided to refer to a victim of narcissistic abuse specifically as a “co-narcissist”. I prefer to use this term than the more familiar term of “co-dependent” that is so often used by mental health professionals, because a false diagnosis may lead to the wrong treatment in the therapy room. I know this term will come as a shock to many, especially to the narcissist’s victims. So, let me make it clear, a “co-narcissist” is not suffering from a disorder or a mental illness, they are individuals who have been consciously targeted to be victimized by a person with a pathological narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Therefore, I am purposing that the term only refers to a relationship dynamic that exists specifically between a pathological narcissist (the perpetrator) and their targeted co-narcissist (their victim). The term is not intended to be used in any other context.
Unfortunately, under such tyranny, all co-narcissist victims learn that they must co-operate if they want to stay safe around their pathological narcissist. This is so important for all therapists to fully understand. What I am saying is, what is being called co-dependent behaviour is the co-narcissist’s defence mechanisms for surviving such tyranny. To be fair, both the co-dependent and the co- narcissist are often self-effacing and submissive at times, that is for sure, but for very different reasons. In a strange way, both the co-dependent and the co-narcissist victim are building behaviour around the traits of “cooperativeness”. However, not every co-dependent will have experienced pathological
- 5 - narcissist abuse, whereas every co-narcissist will have. So, then, what is the difference? The answer is quite simple really. The co-dependent individual acts out of their submissive behaviours to keep those they love happy, because they are afraid of being alone in the world. Whereas the co-narcissist acts out their submissive behaviours to accommodate and endure the pathological narcissist’s interpersonally rigid and abusive behaviours to survive.
It is only in being passive and pleasing that the victim can remain safe while in this dangerous relationship. As children, the co-narcissist victim unconsciously learns to use appeasement (i.e. being pleasing and passive, etc.) in the hopes of inhibiting the hostile reactions of the more dominant narcissist. I can attest to that, because I became the worlds “greatest pleaser” as a result of my own survival strategies around my psychopathic brother (who was on the pathological narcissism spectrum). This submissiveness is, without doubt, a “survival” strategy that the co-narcissist uses for self-preservation. However, these survival strategies can later add to the co-narcissist’s feelings of shame, guilt and self-blame in adulthood. My fear for the co-narcissist is, if the therapist only recognises the victim as having co-dependency issues, they will then only work on those issues, missing the deeper work. If that happens, not only is the clinician further abusing the victim, they risk shame-blaming them. Furthermore, they are failing to give their client the psychoeducation about narcissistic abuse that they need and deserve, and are failing to give them the proper treatment for the “relational trauma” (trauma inflicted on one person by another) they have experienced. Worst still, they are leaving them open to being further re-victimised by other narcissists.
It is also important to stress that co-narcissism is not a disorder, and that the co-narcissistic victim is not pathologically narcissistic themselves. Incidentally, both narcissism and co-narcissism are on a spectrum, we each have the capacity for being both narcissistic and co-narcissistic at different times throughout our lives. But the good news is that most of us do not end up at the extreme ends of the spectrum, where we find the pathological narcissist. Shame is the bedrock of the pathological narcissist's psychopathology, and they project that shame onto their co-narcissist victim, with devastating effects. Unfortunately, the interpersonal dynamic that exists between these two individuals (the shamed and the shamer) is a highly complicated dance. Once conditioned in the dance, the co- narcissist develops unconscious negative patterns of behaviour that leave them likely to be re- victimised by other pathological narcissists throughout life. Therefore, therapy is especially recommended for the co-narcissist, where their shame becomes “the gold” waiting to be mined in the therapeutic process. I cannot stress it strongly enough when I say, that both pathological narcissism and pathological co-narcissism are the results of adaptions that children make to cope with any pathological narcissistic authority figures in their environment. However, we shall see later how these two individuals evolve differently, and how shame can affect their identities very differently (i.e. where they feel defective, a failure, and unlovable, etc.).
Understanding “The Dark Triad”:
Narcissism is a spectrum disorder, which means it ranges from healthy all the way to the most pathological. When it is at the high end of the spectrum it is inextricably linked to Psychopathy (a serious mental health disorder rarely mentioned in the mental health profession). To be an effective
- 6 - clinician working in the area of narcissistic abuse, or indeed be a co-narcissist embarking on a journey of self-healing after being a victim of narcissistic abuse, it is vital to understand as much as one can about the spectrum of narcissistic behaviour that is technically known in criminology as “The Dark Triad”. The first is narcissism (i.e. a sense of entitlement and superiority, with an intolerance to criticism); The second is Machiavellianism (i.e. facile social charm, deceitful behaviour, and a reliance on manipulation; and the third is psychopathy (i.e. high impulsivity, lack of conscience, and interpersonally hostile). Pathological narcissism develops from early childhood trauma, and for the most part, is believed to be due to abusive and neglectful caregiving. Please note, whenever I use the term pathological I am speaking about behaviours that some individual use (both regularly and unconsciously) without any awareness, therefore those behaviours that are hidden out of awareness are virtually impossible for the narcissistic person to control.
To survive the hostility, rejection, and abandonment that the narcissists felt as a child, they develop a “false self” which they present to the world, with devastating effects for themselves and their victims. That is why I wrote my first book, The Three Faces of Evil: Unmasking the Full Spectrum of Narcissistic Abuse. Anybody who has read that book will know that I grew up in a family with a brother who was a “fledgling psychopath”. He was four years older than me (I was the youngest of six children), and I adored him. Living with him at times was very difficult and troubling, but as he got older his behaviour became even worse as he became a full-blown psychopath. To make sense of my life I turned to education to get some answers. I did a degree in Psychology and Theology, and then I then went on to post-grad study to become a Psychotherapist. During that time, I worked in the Trauma Unit of a psychiatric hospital in Dublin with Professor Ivor Browne.
This was fantastic training, because I saw the fallout of this form of abuse on both males and females. Finally, I developed an interest in Psychopathy (the full range of narcissistic behaviour) and went on to study Criminology, and I completed a Diploma in Forensic Psychology and a Diploma Criminal Psychology. My interest grew in the area of Psychopathy, but rather than working with the narcissistic personality disordered, I choose to work with their victims instead. Since then I have worked with co- narcissistic victims all around the world for many years, and I can tell you that the damage is pretty much always the same, differing only by degree. I then realised that this form of abuse was not part of any therapists formal training, and yet they were likely to have the victims coming into their therapy rooms. I was eager to address that “gap” in the training of the Psychotherapists in Ireland. I intended that book (The Three Faces of Evil) to be a primer that would present the essential elements of narcissism, showing that it is multifaceted, with each stage wearing a different and more dangerous mask. I also hoped that the book would help survivors to figure out what kind of a predator they were (or still are) dealing with. Naturally enough, the higher up on the spectrum of Psychopathy the narcissist is, the more dangerous and devastating their behaviour is to the victim. That is why I considered it necessary to name and reveal the different levels of narcissism on the spectrum; moving from the healthiest to the most pathological (from healthy narcissism, to the classical narcissist (NPD), to the malignant narcissist (MN), and finally, the psychopath.
To be diagnosed as a classical narcissist the individual would need to present with 5 out of the 9 categories as listed in the DSM, which is considered to be the bible of Mental Health Workers. These 9 criteria cover the following: -
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1. Having a grandiose sense of self-importance; 2. A preoccupation with the same fantasies of power, and a need for control; 3. Considering oneself as being special, 4. Having a constant need for attention and admiration; 5. Holding a deep sense of entitlement; 6. Being interpersonally exploitative; 7. Showing a lack of empathy for others; 8. Showing intense envy towards others; and 9. Being haughty and arrogant.
The Malignant Narcissist displays those same 9 criteria mentioned above, but they are also social predators who present with three more dangerous symptoms, which include: - 10. Antisocial behaviour; 11. Ego-syntonic sadism; and 12. Paranoia.
Finally, the Psychopath who encompasses all the twelve behaviours mentioned above, but they will also additionally suffer from: -
13. Anomalies of the brain that leave them emotionally and cognitively impaired; 14. No conscience to contend with.
So, as you can see, as the narcissistic individual moves up from one level of narcissism on the spectrum into the next level of narcissism (i.e., from NPD to malignant narcissism, or from malignant narcissism to psychopathy), each level includes its predecessor’s behaviour, integrating it into the new and more pathological structure of self.
As we look at the above diagnostic criteria, we can see that they are only capturing a limited amount of information on the full range of pathological narcissism and psychopathy. We really do need a more comprehensive description for a better understanding of the damage (and dangerousness) these individuals can do and be to society. For example, David Cooke (Forensic Clinical Psychologist in Glasgow) asks, “Are these individuals more violent for various reasons: i.e. because they are more compulsive, have deviant values, have substance misuse problems, are pathologically dominant, demonstrate attachment problems, and act for gain or revenge”. We really do need more case studies, and more victim input, plus proper methodology for asking more “why and how” questions on pathological narcissism. However, what we do know is that Psychopathy is the most severe, most extreme, and most virulent form of pathological narcissism imaginable as it encompasses all the behaviours in one complete whole. Or as Robert Hare (1993) calls it, “The mean side of the Dark Triad”. This longitudinal condition usually manifests in childhood, as seen in the “Fledgling Psychopath” that was my brother Gerard. As Kernberg (1975) says, “All three levels of narcissistic behaviour share the common threads of extreme self-absorption and insensitivity that results in a trail of victims”
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Research is part of the journey of recovery for every victim of narcissistic abuse:
It is quite a shock for most people when they discover that they were in a relationship with a narcissist, but it is even more devastating and unfathomable when the offender is a family member. As part of the recovery process, it is entirely normal and natural for the victim to spend a period of time researching as much as one can on the subject of narcissistic personality disorder. So, if you are a victim who is Googling everything you can find on “narcissism” and are wondering if you are losing your mind, let me assure you that this is totally normal. In effect, doing one’s research is a way of reclaiming one’s mind back after the narcissist’s systematic attempt to drive you out of your mind with their gaslighting techniques of abuse. ‘Gaslighting’ is an insidious manipulative behaviour that all narcissists use, and it includes four devastating stages, each has their own set of effects: The Idealisation Stage: This is the phase when the narcissist is in a highly activated state and looking for reward in the psychopathic bond with their current target. This is the time when the victim is treated like the most precious and newest shiniest toy where they can do nothing wrong.
At this point, the narcissist is euphoric and enjoying the psychopathic bond. Unfortunately, this phase does not last very long, and very soon the narcissist begins to feel the threat of losing the relationship and they experience a ‘manipulative shift’ where they feel the need to control the victim, moving them into the next phase; The Devaluing Stage: This is the time when the narcissist, fearing that the relationship is changing, returns to their baseline behaviour. The victim has fallen from grace and can now do nothing right in the narcissist’s eyes and is treated with disdain; The Discarding Phase: The narcissist’s prominent attitude is disdain, it arises from their sense of superiority that allows them to exploit others for self-gain, and then discard them. The discard comes when the victim is perceived as being no longer useful to them, because as narcissistic supply they are not forthcoming enough, and they look for a new source of narcissistic supply; The Hoovering Phase: This is when the narcissist feels the need to suck the victim back into the relationship with them again and again (whenever they feel like it).
However, doing one’s research is only one part of the journey, and it is important that the co-narcissist victim does not get stuck at this stage of the recovery work. One of the tragedies of this form of abuse is that the victims never get the validation from the narcissist that they so desperately need, or indeed deserve. Therefore, to move on from that “stalemate” position, the co-narcissist must find their voice, a voice that was silenced for too long. This part of the recovery work required immense inner strength because the victim must rebuild what has been systematically stripped away from them. For many victims, not only did they lose their voice, but they lost their identity (their sense of Self). It is also important for the victim to understand the defence mechanisms they built up as a child to survive in their dysfunctional environment, because these same defences could be holding them to ransom in their daily lives as adults. Furthermore, these defences can leave them in the dangerous position of being re-victimised by other narcissists, who will be attracted to them like the moth is to the flame.
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Understanding the term ‘Gaslighting” behaviour:
Gaslighting is a serious form of psychological warfare at the heart of all narcissistic abuse, and I cannot stress this enough for therapists working with the co-narcissistic victims. It is a subtle and clever combination of mind games that the pathological narcissist uses on their co-narcissistic victims (both male and female victims). These mind games include a mix of ambient abuse and coercive control that systematically targets the victim’s mental equilibrium (this is also known by the term Gaslighting). The ambient abuse fosters an atmosphere of fear, hurt, intimidation, domination, instability, unpredictability, and irritation in the victim, making it easier for the narcissist to control them. The coercive control describes an ongoing and multipronged strategy, with tactics that include manipulation, humiliation, isolation, financial abuse, stalking, and sometimes mental, physical or sexual abuse. These are just a few examples of the mind games used, but the list is endless. Gaslighting, with its blend of ambient abuse and coercive control, enforces the narcissist’s rules through varying levels of abuse and degrees of severity that are intended to create a state of subordination and take away the victim’s liberty.
According to Evan Stark, a forensic social worker, and an activist in the battered women's movement. He was also the founder of one of America’s first battered women’s shelters, and a professor (whose work helped shaped the new law in England and Wales), he states: -
“Coercive control is a model of abuse that attempts to encompass the range of strategies employed to dominate individual women in personal life. Alternately referred to as coerced persuasion; conjugal, patriarchal or intimate terrorism; emotional or psychological abuse; indirect abuse; or emotional torture, it describes an ongoing pattern of sexual mastery by which abusive partners, almost exclusively males, interweave repeated physical abuse with three equally important tactics: intimidation, isolation, and control.”
Understanding the pathological narcissist’s coercive control is crucial for understanding the co- narcissists victim’s compliant behaviour to their perpetrator. Stark demonstrated that in the coercive control model, it is the victim’s repeated and ongoing abuse over time that erodes them mentally and emotionally into their position of surrender. He shows that it is the accumulative effect of the psychological trauma, physical harm, domination, resistance, and subordination that is seen only in the phenomenon of coercive control alone. This level of control is not found in what we technically refer to as domestic abuse, or for that matter, in other assault crimes. As for the victim’s compliant behaviour, that is a direct response to the constant deprivation of their rights, and their fear that violence (physical or psychological) will be carried out if they don’t acquiesce.
Much of these overt and covert abusive behaviours I would have witnessed in my brother Gerard’s behaviour, either against myself or when used against his other family members (i.e. siblings, partner, and children). As one can imagine, the impact and dynamics of coercive control is akin to intimate terrorism and creates a feeling of tyranny and entrapment in the victim. As in other hostage cases, victims of coercive control are micromanaged by their captor in their everyday matters, (i.e. who they
- 10 - can see, how they think, how they act, etc.). Unfortunately, the courts and clinicians tend to focus on the physical abuse, and as bad as that is, most victims say, that the worst part of their on-going abuse is not the violence, but being robbed of their independence, freedom, and sense of self. It is all these behaviours that constitute making ‘narcissistic abuse’ an affront to the victim’s liberty and violates the individual’s human rights.
In the last 20 years, the “Domestic Violence Movement” made great strides in their vision to provide abused women and children with safety. The good news is that in England and Wales (under the Serious Crime Act 2015), coercive control has become a criminal offence in intimate or familial relationships. This offence is punishable by a maximum prison sentence of five years. There are now guidelines in England and Wales that act as statutory guidance for recognising coercive control, and hopefully, Ireland and Scotland will soon follow suit. This gives me hope that the door gets opened for other countries to follow the same guidelines. It is time that we all fight against this form of abuse that is hidden in all pathological narcissistic relationships, and wake up to the fact that narcissistic behaviour is not confined to the home only. This form of abusive behaviour spills over into all the pathological narcissist’s relationships (i.e. with their parents, siblings, partners, children, work colleagues, friendships, etc.). The time has come for all Professionals (i.e. Therapists, Doctors, Social Workers, Police, Lawyers, Courts, etc.) to enter this process in a spirit of learning and awareness, and refocus our collective thinking for moving things along even further for gaining justice for all victims.
What is needed is to educate all people (young and old) of narcissistic abuse and gaslighting techniques, behaviours that are becoming an ‘insidious cancer’ at the heart of our communities. We need to bring this education to schools and colleges so that pathological narcissistic personality disorder becomes commonly understood at a time when young people are moving into relationships. In this way, many individuals who have experienced this form of abuse in their childhood will be given a name for it, and they may get to tend to their own relational trauma a lot sooner.
For others, they may have a better chance to protect themselves should they find themselves in such a relationship. With early detection, the individual has a better chance of getting out of the relationship earlier, before they become like rabbits caught in the headlights of the narcissists' psychological warfare of ambient abuse and coercive control. Some co-narcissistic victims (men, women, and children) who suffer this serious abuse will go on to experience ‘Narcissism Victim Syndrome’(NVS). When a victim is suffering from narcissism victim syndrome, the therapist is likely to identify many of the symptoms of relational trauma (avoidance behaviour, loss of interest, feeling detached, sense of a limited future, sleeping or eating difficulties, irritability, hypervigilance, easily startled, flashbacks, hopelessness, psychosomatic illnesses, self-harming, dissociation, and thoughts of suicide, etc). Childhood relational trauma can lead to dysfunctional relational functioning, i.e., the victim taking responsibility for the emotional well-being of others, becoming hyper-vigilant to gauging other’s moods, fear of failure or success, fear of rejection and abandonment, self-reliance, and self-sufficiency.
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Stockholm Syndrome is a complex phenomenon:
During the course of the therapeutic process, the therapist may also become aware that the victim always seems to defend their abuser. While the situation would not make sense from a social standpoint, it may make absolute sense from a psychological viewpoint. What the therapist may be witnessing is a psychological condition known as ‘Stockholm Syndrome’ (i.e. a universal response to an inescapable threat to one’s survival, an inability to escape, isolation, and occasional acts of kindness from the abuser). Stockholm Syndrome is a complex phenomenon that involves the victim of chronic interpersonal abuse to emotionally bond with their narcissistic abuser. This ‘’ is known to be a strategy of survival for victims of narcissistic abuse and intimidation. In such a hostile environment, the victim soon learns that their abuser does carry out threats, so they are in real danger. Threats to their physical or psychological survival terrify the co-narcissistic victim, leaving them feeling lost and isolated. But then, confusingly, they can also receive small kindnesses from the abuser, which make them feel connected again, the connection makes them feel safe once more.
These small kindnesses are important because they allow the victim to dwell on the positive side of the narcissist, while denying the negative and violent side of the narcissist. That also allows them to deny their own anger at what is happening in the relationship, which keeps them safer. This can lead to the victim seeing their aggressor as omnipotent, adding to their compliance. It will be important to understand the components of Stockholm Syndrome to understand why the victim still wants to support, defend, and even love the perpetrator after all that they have gone through. This is a highly unconscious sophisticated source of defence for survival that needs to be applauded. The pathological narcissist’s cunning Machiavellian behaviour is difficult for the victim to work out. In time, it can undermine their mental stability by subverting their human rights, self-respect, autonomy, and thus deprive them of any equality in the relationship. All of which fills the co-narcissist with colossal shame and an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on their abuser, and as I said earlier, this often confuses the therapist into thinking that the victim is co-dependent rather than co-narcissistic (which to my mind are two different syndromes).
Narcissists are puppet masters who manipulate their victims for personal gain:
With precision, narcissists can “pull the strings” of their victims without detection, and render them helpless. To understand how a person can become a victim of a pathological narcissist in the first place, it is important to know that the narcissist has many faces (the proverbial man or woman for all seasons). Different faces are required by the abuser as they lead the relationship through different phases; for example, The Idealization Stage, Devaluation Stage, the Discard Stage, and finally the Hoovering Stage. These stages can be acted out many times throughout the relationship, not just in one cycle as many people seem to think, but repeatedly. The term for this collective behaviour is called Gaslighting, which is a combination of ambient abuse and coercive control, all of which has devastating effects on the victim.
The Gaslighting Effect involves an insidious set of psychological manipulations that are carried out gradually in stages by the narcissist, and repeated time after time, with the express purpose of
- 12 - undermining the mental stability of the victim. The intention of Gaslighting behaviour is to, in a systematic way, target the victim’s self-confidence, and self-esteem so that they are no longer able to function in an independent way. The techniques used by the narcissist are similar to those used in brainwashing, interrogation, and torture that have been used in psychological warfare by intelligence operative, law enforcement, and other forces for decades. The narcissist uses gaslighting techniques with great precision, not just to control, but also to create toxic shame and cognitive dissonance in their victims. The gaslighting, as a harassment technique, starts with a series of subtle mind games that intentionally preys on the co-narcissistic victim’s limited ability to tolerate ambiguity or uncertainty. This is done to undercut the victim’s trust in their own reality and sense of self. Even when the victim is bewildered and left asking themselves “What just happened there?”, there is a reluctance to see the pathological narcissistic gaslighter for who and what they are. It may well be this denial in the co- narcissistic victim that is the cornerstone of the gaslighting relationship that triggers their cognitive dissonance.
Understanding Cognitive Dissonance, Trauma Bonding and Infantile Regression:
Cognitive Dissonance is a psychological term which describes the uncomfortable tension that victims experience when in a relationship with a narcissist, it is not something that happens in healthy relationships. It is a common defence mechanism that the victim uses for coping with the deception, domination and abuse that occurs in such a relationship. The cognitive dissonance really results from the victim having two conflicting thoughts at the same time, or from engaging in behaviour that conflicts with their beliefs and values. The concept of cognitive dissonance is almost self-explanatory by its title: ‘Cognitive’ is to do with thinking (or the mind); while ‘dissonance’ is concerned with inconsistencies or conflicts. Simply speaking, cognitive dissonance is the discomfort a person experiences whenever they are holding two conflicting ideas simultaneously. Naturally, people do not like the discomfort of conflicting thoughts; this theory proposes that when this happens, people have a motivational drive within them that allows them to rationalize and change their attitudes, beliefs, values, and actions, anything that allows them to reduce or dissolve the dissonance they are experiencing.
For example, a woman who is being abused by her narcissistic spouse will hate the conditions she is living in. However, with the real fear of a violent reprisal from her captor, if she tried to leave, she will more likely choose to stay put. The cognitive dissonance shows itself through rationalization of the truth and denial: On the one hand: she abhors her unhealthy relationship and all the abuse that goes with it (truth); while on the other hand, she tells herself that he only fights with her because he loves and cares for her (denial). Of course, this reframing of abuse as ‘love and kindness’ is simply an extreme form of everyday denial, and it can take many forms. For example, it can manifest itself in a way that allows her to convince herself that the relationship is still in the idealisation stage when, in fact, it has moved into the devaluing stage. It can also allow her to shift the blame for any injustices in the relationship away from the narcissist (because it is too dangerous to accuse him) to either herself or another victim. It can also help in hiding her shame of being in such a dysfunctional relationship, something that she does not want others to know.
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This inner dialogue reduced the victim’s anxiety, allowing her to trauma bond (Stockholm Syndrome) with her abuser, to the point that she will even protect him from the outside world if people attempt to rescue her or encourage her to leave. The result is that a massive draining conflict ensues between the person’s emotional self and their rational reasoning self. Their “cognitive dissonance” is a sign of the disharmony the victim is experiencing because of two conflicting ideas going on at the same time; i.e. the victim knows that they should get out of the abusive situation, but they also know that to do so will put them (and possibly their children) in great danger and hardship. In the cognitive dissonance theory, the decision that decides which path the victim will take is likely to be the path that causes the least emotional stress. To reduce the dissonance, the victim will choose the path of least resistance, and their motivational drive will support their beliefs and justify any decision that helps them stay safe. As you can imagine, the cognitive dissonance can lead to irrational decision making as the person struggles to reconcile these two conflicting beliefs. Researchers suggest that it is the cognitive dissonance that causes the victims to choose to stay put with their abuser. Furthermore, to support their seemingly irrational decisions to stay put in the abusive relationship, the victim makes heavy investments that almost cements them into the bad relationship forever. There are six types of investment the married victim may get embroiled in that helps to reduce their cognitive dissonance: -
1. Emotional Investment (the victim interprets their abuse and trauma bonding as love). 2. Social Investment (the situation dictates that the biggest social investment the victim must make is to their narcissist). 3. Family Investments (investing everything in their narcissistic partner is the only way the victim finds to keep the family going). 4. Financial Investment (Narcissist typically seeks to control the family finances. Trapped by the situation, the victim finds themselves waiting for a better financial situation to develop so that they can make their exit and detachment easier. 5. Lifestyle Investment (Sharing financial security with the narcissist, the victim may fear to lose their current lifestyle for themselves or their children. So, they stay because of their fear of the poverty trap that awaits them if they manage to leave. 6. Intimacy Investment (Narcissists use a type of blackmail of intimacy against their partner. Finding themselves in a hopeless situation and broken, the victim feels the only way out is for them to stay.
While experiencing cognitive dissonance the victim may adopt a pattern of denial, diversion, and defensiveness to control their discomfort. So, to survive, they must find ways of reducing their cognitive dissonance, the strategies they employ may include; justifying things by lying to themselves if need be, regressing into infantile patterns, and bonding with their narcissistic captor. Infantile Regression is a marvellous unconscious defence mechanism that is triggered when a person is exposed to terror. Narcissists render their victims to mental emotional and physical terror, a terror that must be denied if the individual is to survive the unrelenting onslaught of abuse over time. Trying to survive under these conditions, the victim is reduced to becoming pretty much like an infant that first comes into the world; that is, helpless and dependent on its survival from their main caregiver (which usually begins with the infant’s mother). Nature is a wonderful thing; it pre-programmes the infant for survival by providing it with a way to bond with their primary caregiver. In effect, this is the infant’s first
- 14 - emotional attachment in a frightening world, and they instinctively bond with someone who possesses the attributes for maximizing their survival, that is, a caregiver that displays a sense of power, security, safety, and compassion. In effect, every child instinctually goes through the process known as Stockholm Syndrome as a natural defence mechanism against its own annihilation.
When a victim is held hostage to pathological narcissistic abuse:
While experiencing cognitive dissonance the victim may adopt a pattern of denial, diversion, and defensiveness to control their discomfort while in a narcissistic relationship. So, to survive, the victim must find ways of reducing their cognitive dissonance, the strategies they employ may include; justifying things by lying to themselves if need be, regressing into infantile patterns, and bonding with their narcissistic captor. Infantile Regression is a marvellous unconscious defence mechanism that is triggered whenever a person is exposed to terror during their lifetime. All pathological narcissists render their victims to mental emotional and physical terror, a terror that must be denied if the co- narcissist victim is to survive the unrelenting onslaught of abuse over time. Trying to survive under these conditions, the victim is reduced to becoming pretty much like an infant as their unconscious survival mode gets switched on.
Infantile Regression: Let me explain what happens.
When an infant first enters the world, they are quite helpless and fearful. In order to face many frightening challenges, they must bond with a caregiver (usually the mother) in order to help them modulate their physiologic arousal (the physical and psychological excitation that one feels when one is afraid). However, sometimes the very person who the child looks to for comfort becomes their source of danger. When this happens, the child learns to manoeuvre itself in such a way as to re-establish a sense of safety. Rather than losing the hope of protection of their primary care-giver by turning on them in a hostile manner, the child unconsciously turns inward and blames itself (this allows it to back down and calm itself). In effect, the child’s fear makes them anxiously obedient in order to attach once again to the frightening mother for soothing and a safe base (which it needs for normal social and biologic development). Nature is a wonderful thing; it pre-programmes the infant for survival by providing it with a way to bond with their primary caregiver. In effect, this is the infant’s first emotional attachment in a frightening world, and they instinctively bond with someone who possesses the attributes for maximizing their survival, that is, a caregiver that displays a sense of power, security, safety, and compassion. In effect, every child instinctually goes through the process known as Stockholm Syndrome as a natural defence mechanism against its own annihilation.
So, whenever an individual is faced with extreme danger (not just infants), they will turn to their nearest available source of comfort to regain a state of both psychological and physiologic rebalance. But, what happens when there is no source of comfort available, but only a cruel narcissistic abuser who threatens and beats their co-narcissistic victim into the ground? Nature kicks in, that’s what happens. The individual turns to inbuilt unconscious survival defence mechanisms, because if they did not, they would be annihilated by their own levels of negative arousal. The victim of abuse unconsciously goes into a state of infantile regression. Where once they became obedient and clung
- 15 - on to the hostile care-giver (mother), they repeat this behaviour by surrendering themselves obediently to their captor (trauma bonding, as seen in Stockholm Syndrome) and organize their life completely around pleasing the captor. That way they can survive in the war zone for years. This behaviour of negative reinforcement is both instinctive and plays a survival function for hostages who are victims of chronic interpersonal abuse (Graham, 1994). This behaviour has been seen universally where ever people are held captive. There are many examples of this happening, this is a phenomenon seen wherever there is abuse: i.e. prisoners of war, in kidnappings, domestic violence, father-child incest, prostitutes procured by pimps, physically or emotionally abused children, etc. For example, during the time of Hitler’s concentration camps, many prisoners bonded with their captors to get food to survive. When people are held captive by kidnappers (i.e. the American heiress Patty Hearst) they bond in the hope of being allowed to live. In domestic violence where there is coercive control, the battered partner surrenders to the will of their narcissistic abuser to save themselves from further hidings and humiliation. Clinicians need to understand the nature of the conditions that exist whenever bonding occurs between the co-narcissist victim and the narcissist perpetrator. Failure to appreciate the survival function of Stockholm Syndrome is likely to lead to victim-blaming. The sequence of events:
In narcissistic abuse the victim experiences extreme terror over and over, often over many years. The behaviour follows a sequence of events; first the tension gradually builds, the victim is then caught in an explosive exchange with the narcissist, this is then followed by calmness and feelings of being loved. Each time the process follows the same path of submission and reconciliation, which further consolidates the attachment between victim and victimizer. Faced with such madness, unable to take flight or fight, the victim is rendered helpless, and does into a Freeze Fright response. They are then apt to follow a typical post-traumatic response where they dissociate emotionally. They block out the pain (numbing), and they build a fantasy of fusion and symbiosis just as they had learned to do in childhood with their parents alternating outbursts of affection and violence. This is Stockholm syndrome in action. Infantile Regression, therefore, is a powerful defence mechanism that is triggered whenever a person is exposed to terror and unable to fight or take flight, overwhelmed by helplessness, their only redress is to freeze (Frozen Fright). The victim’s total focus now is on survival, and they unconsciously return to an earlier level of behaviour that provided satisfaction whenever they experienced high arousal stress. In effect, they become obedient, placid, compliant, and submissive whenever their life is threatened, considered, and then spared by the captor. This leads the victim to form a pathological transference bond with their aggressor as they did with their parental figures. These two components– traumatic psychological infantilism and pathological transference–form the crucial elements in the Stockholm syndrome (Grahan,1994). It is important that clinicians reassure victims of narcissistic abuse that their behaviour during captivity was fully acceptable; it was the right thing to do because it kept them somewhat safe and alive. Understand narcissistic abuse, and the effects on the victim:
I would consider research a vital part of the recovery work for every victim, because information is critical for moving forward. Eventually, when the victim works out what has happened to them, and
- 16 - they begin to understand that they were in a relationship with someone with a personality disorder (that is, someone who shows major deviation from normal patterns of behaviour), they then tend to find themselves on the right track for making good progress in their process of healing. This is the stage when one can stop looking outward at the narcissist and begin to turn the focus of attention back to oneself, and the inner journey of self-recovery begins in earnest. It is vital for the therapist to be able to be able to validate what has happened to the victim as their story unfolds. It is not the easiest thing to look at one’s pain and damage after narcissistic abuse because it involves layers of shame that need uncovering; it takes courage and time to do so. Courage has little to do with bravado, nor is it to do with the absence of fear, it is the holding-ability to speak and act despite one's fear and shame at having been in a relationship with a pathological narcissist.
Unfortunately, many victims get stuck at the research stage, because all they can see is that “pathological narcissists are everywhere”. This new fear is very disempowering and paralysing for the victim, who may feel defeated before they begin the real process of healing. Clinicians need to get across that it is not really a matter of how many narcissists are out there, what matters is that one gets familiar with the “red flags” that act as warning signals that flash up on one's inner radar system long before one is "hooked" by these toxic personality types. Often victims wonder if they even have a radar system. The answer is, “yes, absolutely you have”. What can happen is that victims have had to learn to ignore their “gut feelings” to stay safe in the crazy toxic narcissistic environment they found themselves in (especially as children). Ignoring one’s gut feelings can blunt one’s radar system somewhat. But, when a victim finally understands ‘narcissism and narcissistic abusive behaviour’ for themselves, in a strange way, their painful history sharpens their radar system. This then makes one especially sensitive and alert when in the company of narcissists in the future (whether it is in the home, the workplace, or in friendships). By appearance, there is nothing to warn you that you are in the company of a narcissist, they look like everybody else who is, what we term, normal. However, when you understand the traits and behaviours, the narcissist begins to stand out as "aliens" from another planet.
When a victim has done their own journey of recovery, they do not have to run away when in the company of narcissists. On the contrary, they can stay put, and put up their self-protective shield so that they do not get sucked into the seduction and excitement of any presenting manipulative narcissists. Narcissists are a bit like mosquitos, you cannot avoid them when you are out, they hang around in the air and they can deliver a very nasty bite. So, you need to know how to repel them by using a protective shield. I have found that one of the best protective shields against the narcissist is knowledge. Knowledge in relation to the narcissist and their narcissistic abuse truly is power. However, knowledge alone is not enough for staying safe around pathological narcissists. We also need to exercise wisdom in their presence. It is important to become fully aware that wisdom is different from knowledge. Knowledge is about having information, whereas wisdom is knowing what to do with that information. For example, if you research the behaviours of the narcissist, you will learn that on first meeting a narcissist you can expect them to use seduction to draw you towards them. With that knowledge, you can then assert your wisdom so that you are not actually hooked by the tempting seductive manipulation, you simply see it for what it is.
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So, for every individual who has been a victim of narcissistic abuse, I recommend that you develop your own psychological armour that will work for you. For example, I often teach my clients a simple, yet effective technique. I get them to imagine having their own “Lagertha Warrior Shield” that they can put up mentally whenever in the presence of any narcissist. I know one fantastic lady who works in the media where she meets many narcissists. She got a small tattoo of Lagertha’s shield (as seen in the Viking TV series) placed on her ankle as a constant reminder to herself for staying safe when the seduction begins, as it inevitably does in her line of work. So, whenever her radar detector sounds an alarm in her gut, she uses the shield tattoo as an anchor for keeping her focused and grounded. This works magnificently for this lady, but each person can use their own powerful imagination for finding a way of protecting themselves.
When Shame Begets Shame: Another primer for clinicians and victims alike:
The intention of this book When Shame Begets Shame is to provide a basis of understanding (for both victims and clinicians) what is involved when one is a victim of pathological narcissistic abuse, regardless of what level of ill-treatment the victim was exposed to. However, what is very distinct is how children adapt very differently to their abuse, and how their narcissistic woundedness gets acted out in the world later as adults. As adults, children who have survived narcissistic abuse are likely to build defence mechanisms that are likely to lead to their becoming either a pathological narcissist (a perpetrator) or a pathological co-narcissist (a caretaker). This means that the pathological narcissist is likely to become a perpetrator themselves in adulthood, and will go on to act out their pathological behaviours on a host of victims throughout their lives. Whereas, the pathological co-narcissistic individual is destined to become a victim, not only to other narcissists but also to their own self- defeating pathological caretaking behaviours.
These two wounded individuals (the narcissist perpetrator and the co-narcissistic victim), until they heal their own narcissistic wounds, will continue to find themselves entering a ‘convoluted dance’ with their opposite opponent time and time again throughout their lives. Furthermore, each of these individuals will be drawn to each other like magnets, and each will end up feeling further hurt and re- victimised by the other. Accordingly, the pathological narcissist will go on to victimise their pathological co-narcissist caretaker by means of disdain. They will also humiliate by indifference, subjugate by fear, and condition their new dance partner by alternating between behaviours that include idealisation, devaluation, discarding, and hoovering manoeuvres.
All these behaviours directed at the co-narcissist (victim) by the pathological narcissist (perpetrator) creates them to eventually become caught up in a web of deception that will leave them feeling hurt, upset and highly anxious and often traumatised. Furthermore, these distressed states can become so psychologically ingrained in the co-narcissist victim, that they can even be triggered whenever they witness empathic distress in others. In response, and to stay safe and avoid being shamed and guilt- ridden, the co-narcissist victim gets hooked into caretaking everybody that comes into their lives. In this way, the co-narcissist’s empathy-based guilt often becomes so ‘hypersensitive’ that it turns into a persistent pathological altruism (Oakley, 2012). The co-narcissist’s unhealthy altruism focuses on others to the detriment of their own needs and wants, thus hurting them greatly. Unfortunately, this
- 18 - only worsens the situation for the co-narcissistic (victim). As a result, they are likely to have difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem, setting functional boundaries, and in meeting their own needs before the needs of others. All this plays a part in limiting the co-narcissists independent development, thus making them the perfect dance partner in the pathological narcissist's convoluted dance of shame.
Growing up with a narcissistic authoritative caregiver creates a legacy of internalised toxic shame:
In the following chapters, I set out to show how shame functions to enhance and preserve one's sense of self. Our “sense of self” is our internal awareness of who we are and how we fit into our world. When we achieve “a coherent sense of self”, which is the ideal, we are empowered to experience ourselves as having the right to be in the world, and to express ourselves without the fear of reprisals. Unfortunately, a child who is emotionally, physically, or mentally abused feels disempowered, and they feel helpless, frightened, guilty, and ashamed. All these feelings lead to feelings of insecurity. I am, particularly looking at children who have been narcissistically abused in their early life. Toxic shame is primarily fostered in significant relationships therefore, to grow up in a household or environment with a narcissist as an authoritative caregiver creates a legacy of internalised toxic shame for a child.
Toxic shame differs hugely from ordinary shame. Ordinary healthy shame is more akin to guilt; therefore, it can move us towards better behaviour and a more positive way of thinking. The uncomfortable feelings associated with healthy shame tends to dissipate within a few hours or days, allowing us to get back to a place of feeling safe. Whereas, toxic shame is so pervasive that it leads to a paralysing assessment of oneself as a flawed person. In pathological narcissism, the effect of toxic internalised shame is so overwhelming that it monopolises the individual’s personality. Rather than operating through a True Self, the pathological narcissist acts out of a False Self. Whenever that self is threatened by shameful feelings, anger becomes their “go-to” response. While, for the co-narcissist (victim), shame may take up residency outside of conscious awareness. Once there, it can be easily triggered with the slightest arousal. To avoid such happenings these children may develop harsh self- critical dialogues, and maladaptive survival programmes that they carry into adulthood. They then spend their lives unconsciously protecting themselves by being overly nice, “pleasing”, and taking care of others. Without even knowing it, these children learn never to outshine their narcissistic perpetrators, so they hide their light under a bushel. Diming their light in this way helps them to stay in the shadows, where they are less likely to be targeted, therefore safer. Therapists must remember that these sabotaging behaviours were the child’s survival tactics that they historically used to keep them safe, in many cases, these behaviours may possibly have kept them alive.
In such a toxic environment, the child internalises a belief system that tells them there is something inherently wrong with them. With no means of escape from their narcissist’s objectifying and dehumanising gaze, or indeed, the pathological narcissist's projected shame, the child turns to their innate defences to ward off any perceived shame. For example, one child may build up a way to bypass their shame by developing a False Self, and they will later highly likely grow to become a pathological
- 19 - narcissistic individual. This is caused by a child identifying too deeply with their abuser, and acting out similar behaviours as they grow into a pathological narcissist themselves in adulthood. While another child will do what they can to avoid any exposure to being shamed, their means of defence is to become a passive caretaker and pleaser, which results in making them a soft target for other manipulators. This individual, because of their conditioning and unconscious defence mechanisms, will become, what I term as the "co-narcissist" that ends up as a source of narcissistic supply (a caretaking victim) to other narcissists. Shame is a powerful force that can lead to a host of possible responses, for example, we can see how shame can lead one person to abuse and harm; while for another it becomes the motivation behind pathological altruism, where they please and care for others. Whatever the outcome, whether we become a narcissist or a co-narcissist, our shame responses are born out of pain and becomes a pervasive feature of our social and moral lives.
The “Victim and Co-narcissistic” Conundrum:
Before I go any further, I want to acknowledge that while many clients I have worked with often describe themselves as victims of abuse, other clients take issue with being called a “victim”. They find the word (victim) to be blaming, shaming, disempowering and a stigmatising term. Also, it robs them of their agency, portraying them as passive, weak, or pathetic, and this affects their ability to fight back. They prefer to see themselves as survivors, moving forward one day at a time for post- traumatic growth, where the goal is to go from merely surviving to that of thriving. While at the same time, other clients view all terms (i.e. victim, co-narcissist, echoist, target, survivor, thriver, etc.) as nothing more than semantics. It does not seem to bother them in the least what term is being used; their focus is on recovery and moving forward.
When I write about the victims of narcissistic abuse, I want to make it distinctively clear that I am in no way referring to these individuals as being either passive, weak, or pathetic. On the contrary, I see these individuals as having great ingenuity, resourcefulness and inner strength, this is what makes them such juicy morsels to the narcissist. Besides, it is well documented that narcissists do not target weak people, that would be a contradiction in terms. They need strong responsible individuals who are going to take care of them in all aspects of their lives. Therefore, they are most likely to choose a victim who will be conscientious, agreeable, resilient, empathic, and have a high sense of obligation and integrity. This is because a person with these qualities is likely to fight the hardest to keep the relationship alive, therefore can be exploited for longer.
As pathological narcissism has now reached pandemic status, causing significant harm to hundreds of thousands of people globally, society needs a legitimately recognised umbrella term so that everyone will have a legal and constitutional right to act against this form of abuse as a human rights violation. Furthermore, the use of the word “victim” helps remind us that it is the situations creating victimisation that must be changed, not the victims themselves (Graham, 1994). Therefore, for these reasons I use the term "victim" throughout my writings. Here are two definitions of the word “victim” that I am working from: -
“A victim is a person that has been harmed, injured, or killed as a result of a crime, accident, or other event or action”. (The Oxford English Dictionary).
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And
“A victim of a crime is an identifiable person who has been harmed individually and directly by the perpetrator, rather than by society as a whole. (Criminology and Criminal Law).
All pathological narcissist targets another individual with the express intention of victimising them, and when the damage is done, they refuse to recognise that they have done anything wrong. In fact, the pathological narcissist will convince everybody else that they are themselves the victim. In the beginning of the relationship, the narcissist wraps their co-narcissist victim up in a quilt, an ingenious quilt that feels very comforting during the idealisation phase (the honeymoon phase). But before long things change, and the relationship moves into the second stage (the devaluing phase) and the co- narcissistic victim is reduced to a position where they cannot comprehend that they are being treated as an inferior being. Mystified and unable to work out what is happening, they stay in the relationship. People who do not understand narcissistic abuse often ask, “Why didn’t you just get out as soon as the relationship went bad?”
There are many reasons why the co-narcissistic victim stays put, i.e. conditioning, trauma bonding, cognitive dissonance, etc. But even if they are only a short time in the relationship it may be due to something called the ‘Optimism Bias’. One thing I noticed about a lot the victims I worked with is their optimism; despite what they have been through, they tend to remain the proverbial “half glass full” type of person. It may be that optimism is essential to our survival as humans that it is hardwired into our brains. When a victim finds themselves in an atrocious situation with a pathological narcissist, their optimism bias may generate hope for their survival, and for things getting better in the future. For example, in childhood narcissistic abuse, optimism is crucial to the child's very existence, where it becomes a fantastic survival strategy. According to Tali Sharot (2012), the optimism bias protects the victim from accurately perceiving the pain and difficulties the future undoubtedly holds. The ability to imagine an alternative reality reduced stress and anxiety and preserves the mental health of the victim. The mind then tries to create that imagined reality so that the victim can view their world in a different way and create a sense of safety for themselves.
Where once (during the Idealisation Stage), the victim could do nothing wrong, they now (in the Devalue Stage) can do nothing right. The narcissist's quilt is no longer comfortable to wear, it has become a source of punishment which is hard to shake off. It has become suffocating and the victim feels its bulk to be oppressive and shaming. So, when we consider all these elements, I think we can safely say (using this definition), that any person who has experienced narcissistic abuse has been harmed, injured, and in some cases even killed because of pathological narcissistic behaviour, then they are indeed “victims”.
Perhaps we (victims, therapists, law enforcers, social workers, doctors, etc.) can work towards getting some state protection for all victims and their families when they are forced to flee their homes from narcissistic physical and psychological violence. Therefore, it is very important for all clinicians to learn about the dynamic narcissistic pathology and the conflicts that all co-narcissistic victims are subjected to because up to now it has not been fully understood. Finally, throughout the book I speak of the perpetrator as the “pathological narcissist”, but when I do so, it needs to be clear that I am talking
- 21 - about both male and female narcissists. Both male and female perpetrators are equally dangerous to their victims. With this knowledge, the therapist has a much richer and thorough base for recognising, understanding and treating both the pathological narcissist perpetrator and their co-narcissist victims.
It is also necessary for therapists to recognise the complex patterns of defences that are used by both the narcissist and the co-narcissist for avoiding their painful shame. Furthermore, because therapists stand on the front line with victims, it is the job of every clinician and mental health provider to fight back against the injustice that we witness within the therapy room daily. This form of crime affects not only the victimised individual we are working with but also the injustice that affects our whole communities. To help overcome such violence, we need the effort of victimology to pursue a mental health/forensic psychology that backs up our professional findings of victims of narcissistic abuse. Together, hopefully, both disciplines can evaluate effective new policies and programmes for working with, and on behalf of, co-narcissistic victims in the future. In the final analysis, it is most likely to be the victimologist’s who will apply a legalistic/criminal justice orientation as to how victims are to get support from other agencies (i.e. police, doctors, solicitors, lawyers, prosecutors, attorneys, judges, and the Courts, etc.).
It is now time that we had laws designed to empower all victims of pathological narcissistic abuse and coercive control to get justice. Because, as yet, often these victims are further abused through a legal and mental health system that clearly does not understand Psychopathy. However, to be sensitive to those people who are distressed by the term ‘victim’, I have decided to introduce the reader to the term “co-narcissist” as an alternative. I shall either speak intermittently of the victim or the co-narcissist (or both) when I talk of those individuals who battle to get along with their narcissistic abusers before they find themselves being finally devalued and then discarded. It was Alan Rappoport, (2005) a Psychotherapist, who first coined the term ‘co-narcissism’, and personally, I now think it is very fitting word indeed. At first, I had my reservations about using the term, but in the meantime, I was becoming more and more frustrated by the term ‘co-dependents’ that so many clinicians were placing on the victims of narcissistic abuse.
Co-narcissists and Co-dependents, are they the same personality types?:
Much of what is written about narcissistic abuse speaks of the victim as being a “co-dependent”. Having worked and studied many victims of narcissistic abuse, and having been a victim myself, I can honestly say that this hypothesis has not been my experience when working with these victims. I personally see co-narcissists very different to co-dependents. Yes, of course, occasionally a victim may meet the criteria for being diagnosed as a co-dependent, but that is not generally the case. Although there may be some similarities between the co-dependent personality and the co-narcissistic personality, in truth, there are many “crucial differences”. These differences can be seen in both their interpersonal strategies, and how (and why) they make others the centre of their lives. Co-narcissism is a shame-based disorder that affects one’s sense of self because of early-life abusive experiences with a narcissistic caregiver.
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It is good for us to be reminded that the term “co-dependent” was never intended to be used where violent behaviour by one person (i.e. the narcissist) was used against another person (i.e. the co- narcissist victim). It was originally meant to be applied to relationships where one person in the family has a chemical addiction, and other family members were affected by that addiction. It is important that clinicians (especially those trained in addiction studies) take the time to examine the evidence before labelling a co-narcissistic victim a co-dependent. If one does a critical analysis of both the co- dependent personality and the co-narcissistic personality, it is then easy to see the contradictions and realise that it is totally the wrong diagnosis for a surviving victim of narcissistic abuse. However, this is a subject for another book, but it gives a quick explanation as to why I am using the term ‘co- narcissist’ as a defining difference from the term ‘co-dependent’. But this topic needs to be discussed further in a different book.
The Pathological Narcissist and Co-narcissist as a Metaphor:
So, getting back to what I was saying, just as a pilot needs a co-pilot to fly the aeroplane, a narcissist always needs a co-narcissist victim to be their partner in their convoluted dance (the victim is the yin to the narcissist’s yang, so to speak). The narcissistic pilot (perpetrator) sees themselves as having rank over their co-narcissist pilot (victim), therefore the co-narcissist pilot always reports to the narcissistic-pilot, and of course, take instruction from them throughout the dance. Another analogy that many writers use to describe the narcissist’s convoluted dance is “The Narcissistic Tango”. The Tango is the deliberate and progressive dance that takes place between the narcissist and co-narcissist, whether it is in the home, the workplace, in friendships, or in society. It is a dance of seduction and manipulation, where the narcissist dominates, and the co-narcissist victim submits. Where ever there is a narcissist there is always a co-narcissist/victim. Remember, the narcissist always needs a constant source of “narcissistic supply” to support their fragile ego. Narcissistic supply is anything or anybody that allows the narcissist to draw respect, admiration, power, control, and support from their environment (i.e. accommodating people as their victims, a flash car, the clothes they wear, etc.). Indeed, anything that brings them attention and adoration is narcissistic supply. They need this endless bounty, and that is why they are always searching for new sources of fresh supply in their environment. Generally, it is the co-narcissistic victim that becomes the vessel through which narcissistic supply flows with the greatest abundance.
There are many academic books written on pathological narcissism for professionals, but I did not want to write in a similar way. I wanted to write a primer, an elementary book that would give insights into both the narcissist and the effects of their abuse on their co-narcissistic victims. I want my work to be accessible to anybody who wants this information. I did not want to speak only about the pathological narcissist’s shame, but I also wanted to look at the effects of the narcissist’s projected shame on their victims. Therefore, I have written in a way that makes easy reading for both professionals and non-professionals, but with just the right amount of jargon to make it appeal to professionals as well. Most of what is written in these pages have not only come from more than 25 years as a psychotherapist working with victims of narcissistic abuse in my private practice. But also working in the Trauma Unit of a psychiatric hospital in Dublin under the care of Professor Ivor Browne, a most humble psychiatrist and spiritual being I had the honour of working with. But more
- 23 - importantly, I am also speaking from personal lived experience having grown up with a pathological high-end narcissistic brother (psychopath) from birth, and further re-victimisation in my adult life by three other narcissists.
In the following chapters, I shall shine a light on the nature of shame, and elaborate further on how and why the pathological narcissistic perpetrator projects their shame onto their co-narcissist victim and the impact that can have. For therapists working with victims of narcissistic abuse, shame will become a crucial component of the therapeutic process. Together I recommend that the client and therapist explore the shameful effects of narcissistic abuse. The object will be to not only release the shame responses, but also to build a shame resilience for the future. By successfully inhibiting the effects of the “past shame” that was holding the victim a hostage, they (the victim) will then be in a better position for reaching their fullest potential for going forward in life.
After Chapter 1, each chapter can stand alone, therefore the book does not need to be followed rigidly. So, please feel free to dip in and out as your interest takes you, and as your time allows. I cover a lot of information in these chapters below. So, to enhance the learning experience of the reader, I have used a strategy where it may feel like I have repeated myself a couple of times, but this is deliberate. Hearing information expressed in different ways (multiple repetition) provides rehearsal, and this helps the brain to organize information into patterns and encourages purposeful learning… making the information stick better in memory.
Structure of the book: -
Chapter 1: In the Introduction, I explain why I am using the term “Co-narcissistic” alongside the term “victim”? Chapter 2: Exploring toxic shame and narcissistic and co-narcissistic vulnerability, and the survival strategies born out of such vulnerabilities. Chapter 3: Looking at shame as a defence mechanism against humiliation, and how healthy shame is transformed into unhealthy shame as the person experiences him/herself as flawed and defective as a human being. We also need to look at the “Internalization Process” when it comes to shame and moral behaviour. Chapter 4: Looking at the narcissists and co-narcissists symbiotic relationship. Together they enter a highly-convoluted dance that causes havoc for both, most especially for the co-narcissist who is forced to take up the victim stance. Chapter 5: Exploring narcissistic and co-narcissistic coupledom, and the effects on both. Taking a brief look at the profile of the pathological narcissist as a spouse, parent, and in the workplace (as a colleague and as a boss). Chapter 6: Looking at how the pathological narcissist and the co-narcissist victim live parallel lives and becomes forged in very different ways. Chapter 7: Understanding the narcissist’s and co-narcissists parasitic symbiotic relationship, and why the narcissist is addicted to objectifying victims as their source of “Narcissistic Supply” (i.e. Primary Supply, Secondary Supply and Tertiary Supply). Chapter 8: Revealing the whole personality (the 1st and 2nd personalities), and how “core shame” is a profound affliction that needs healing if we want to promote authentic personal growth.
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Chapter 9. Looking at the seven inalienable rights that develop a person’s instinctual sense of self. Both the pathological narcissist (perpetrator) and the co-narcissistic caretaker (victim) has been denied these rights (to a greater or lesser degree) during the first half of their life. Chapter 10: Shame is possible at any point in the life cycles. A child grows and progresses through different overlapping interpersonal settings, and each of these settings can become a critical source of shame for any individual. Chapter 11: When one takes on a caretaking role in their family as a child, there is every likelihood that one will continue to take on that role in all one’s adult relationships. It becomes second nature for the co-narcissist, and they are unlikely to be even being aware of putting everybody's needs before one’s own. Chapter 12: It is well documented that pathological narcissists have very poor personal boundaries, and therefore they do not recognise the boundaries of others. Narcissists cut across every border they can to get full control, leaving their co-narcissist victim with distorted, and undefined boundaries. Chapter 13: Shame would appear to be the ongoing tension-generating dialectic between the narcissist’s grandiosity and their desire for perfection. Unable to accept any flaws in their own self without experiencing narcissistic vulnerability and shame, the narcissist will demand perfectionism from their co-narcissist victims. Chapter 14: To Seek Help or Not to Seek Help? The question is, is it possible for a clinician to work with the full spectrum of cluster B personality disorders (namely, the three various levels of pathological narcissism, NPD, MN, and Psychopathy). Also, is it possible for a clinician to work with the co-narcissistic victim? If not, the question then is “why not?” Chapter 15: It’s all about me: Narcissistic Sexual Predators and Entitlement. Narcissists are self- focused; preferring individuality rather than intimacy. This tends to leave them attracted to less committed relationships, open to sexual infidelity and the sexual abuse of others. Generally, pathological narcissists become predators through a process of fantasy and mental rehearsal that is a unique and an integral part of their behaviour (their “signature”). Because narcissists are by nature cunning, secretive and deceptive (the proverbial “wolves in sheep’s clothing”), most people would not spot them as sexual predators of children. Chapter 16: Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame: Many victims of narcissistic abuse will suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder. However, when the clinician can recognise its creative, positive force, and allow it to become the catalyst for the victim’s post-traumatic growth, the co- narcissist client will reach more autonomy and a life of purpose that will offer an increase in their psychological well-being. Chapter 17: Can the co-narcissists shame be cured? The answer is “Yes”. But, before the client can create a brand new healthier image of themselves, the therapist must first crush their distorted images that were created by their pathological narcissistic caretaker. In this chapter, I share some of the techniques I use when working with co-narcissistic victims in my therapy room. Chapter 18: The narcissist comes as a gift, but only if the victim chooses to accept it. The pathological narcissist and the co-narcissist may indeed hold the key to each other’s healing and freedom at all levels of the self.
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Christine Louis de Canonville B.A. Hons; MIACP; MSIACP, MTCI ; MPN LP, CMH; CHyp; has been a Psychotherapist and Supervisor of mental health professionals for over 28 years. Her educational background includes a B.A. Hons in Psychology and Theology. She is an accredited Humanistic and Integrative Psychotherapist; Master Clinical Hypnotherapist; Master NLP Practitioner; Life, Executive & Business Coach; Transpersonal Psychotherapist, Clinical Supervisor, Trainer, Speaker, Theologian and a registered Teacher with the Irish Teaching Council of Ireland. She studied for a Masters Degree in Medical Anthropology, doing her fieldwork with indigenous shamans. For many years she worked with Emaho, an American Indian from New Mexico, who challenged her to see life through “Life’s Eyes” rather than through the eyes of the personality. Her journey also saw her apprenticed to Eloxochitl, a Curandera Teacher in the Medicina Mexihka Tradition (Mexican Shaman). In 2006 Eloxochitl honoured her as a Curandera and a Warrior Woman when she bestowed upon her the Indian name of “Cihuatequiani”, which means, “Woman Who Works”.
Christine worked for 5 years in the trauma unit of a psychiatric hospital under the wing of Professor Ivor Browne. She also worked specifically with victims of narcissistic abuse in her private practice and internationally for many years. Christine recognized a gap in the training of psychotherapists all around the world; her books and workshops set out to address the shortfalls in a therapist’s education so that they become better equipped to work with survivors of narcissistic abuse. As part of her health advocacy work she set up her website, (www.narcissisticbehavior.net) where she posts original and much needed information for educating both therapists and survivors. Christine went on to develop an effective programme for working one-to-one with victims suffering from Narcissistic Victim Syndrome and developed workshops for educating therapists and other health professionals in the whole spectrum of Narcissistic abuse. Much of Christine’s knowledge has come from her post-grad studies in Criminology and Forensic Psychology, and it is through these disciplines that she has gained her understanding of The Dark Triad, (Narcissism, Machiavellianism, and Psychopathy). These Three Faces of Evil are vital information for understanding the full spectrum of narcissistic abuse. It is her vision that narcissistic abuse becomes part of the curriculum of all Mental Health Professionals and other professionals that work in the frontline with victims of abuse (i.e. Psychotherapists, Social Workers, Police, Doctors, Solicitors, Law Courts, HR management, etc.) indeed, anyone who deals with the fallout of this form of abuse.
Christine resides in Dublin, Ireland where she has integrated both Eastern and Western approaches of therapies for providing a holistic way of working with victims of narcissistic abuse, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.
To contact Christine, please email: [email protected] For more information please visit Christine’s website: narcissisticbehavior.net
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