FUNERAL by Scott Gantner 6/23/16

CAST: JERRY SEINFELD ­ loud, exaggerated impression MAX ­ grieving son PAULA ­ grieving daughter GLORIA ­ grieving mother PRIEST AZIZ ANSARI

(PRIEST stands at the front of a church. MAX, PAULA, and GLORIA sit in the front row, crying.)

PRIEST Marcus's death was tragic, and sudden, but his life was magical. He's survived by his loving wife Gloria, and his beautiful children, Max and Paula.

(The family nods back somberly.)

PRIEST One of Marcus's good friends is here, and he asked if he could share a few words with us. Please welcome, Jerry Seinfeld.

(FAMILY looks at each other, confused. JERRY SEINFELD walks to the front of the church.)

SEINFELD (Enthusiastic, like a upbeat stand up performance) Hello! How is everybody doing? Thanks so much for having me!

PAULA What's he doing?

MAX Maybe that's just how he talks?

SEINFELD What's the deal with funerals?! Have you ever noticed how people at funerals always say, "He's in a better place"? You know, "I'm ​ ​ ​ sorry he's gone, but he's in a better place." Was Marcus's ​ retirement home really sooo bad that we consider a coffin to be an upgrade?!

GLORIA (gasp) What did he just say?!

PAULA Excuse me, Mr. Seinfeld. My mother's in a very fragile state. I don't think you should be making jokes.

MAX It's ok guys, they were friends. Let him talk. Please, go on.

SEINFELD And another thing ­ Why do funeral processions get a police escort? Have you noticed this? I don't think the police realize, we've got the only car on the road with a passenger who cannot ​ get killed in an accident! And don't get me started on the death certificate! We really have lowered the bar for achievement, haven't we? Even when you die ­ the one thing that literally everyone in history has accomplished ­ you get a certificate! Congrats, Marcus! You did it! You're dead!

(GLORIA stands up and lurches toward Seinfeld in anger, but MAX and PAULA hold her back.)

GLORIA How dare you speak about him like that!!

PAULA Sir, we are NOT in the mood for this right now!

MAX Yeah, come on. Ease up.

SEINFELD What else, what else. Oh, and the embalming. Who are we kidding with the embalming? The poor guy dies a horrible gruesome death, and what do we do? We dress him up like he's going to Prom! We put him in a suit, decorate the place with flowers, and give him a ride in a limo! Isn't that exciting. But even more so than the prom, the funeral is really just a baptism for adults. The people who get invited don't wanna go, and the person who the ceremony is for isn't even aware that it's happening! (Quickly becoming unhinged.) Hell, we could skip the baptism altogether! Just put the baby in a suit and throw him right in the casket! That'll save time!! He's going there anyway!!

(GLORIA faints. MAX catches her. PAULA stands and shouts at SEINFELD.)

PAULA STOP MAKING LIGHT OBSERVATIONS AT MY DAD’S FUNERAL, JERRY SEINFELD!

SEINFELD (backpedaling) I­ uh, I'm sorry. That's not ­ I didn't mean that. It's been a long time since I've talked in front of crowd in a serious way. Marcus really was a good friend. (Speaking like a normal person.) In fact, I saw him just a few months ago, and he seemed fine. (Increasingly emotional.) But he’s gone. What's the­ (Getting choked up) What's ­ (Mustering up strength) ...what's the deal with that.

(SEINFELD wipes his eyes. The FAMILY stands and they all go hug SEINFELD. SEINFELD joins them as they sit back down in the front row. The PRIEST returns.)

PRIEST Thank you very much. Next, we have another friend of Marcus's who wanted to share his thoughts. Please welcome, Aziz Ansari.

(PRIEST sits. AZIZ bounces up to the front.)

AZIZ Marcus! I was using your HBO GO account! How am I gonna watch Game of Thrones if you're dead?!?

(The FAMILY and SEINFELD yell in anger.) (Blackout.)