Issue #139 Journal

the 2 Journal Issue #139 4 Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Preamble 5 Letter From the Editor 4 The Twelve Steps 6 Question of the Day Theme: Healing Character Defects

10 Those Ever-Appearing Character Defects

12 Not Working On My Defects

14 Letting God Forge My Character While Trying to Participate

Share Space

16 Storied Limitations, Part Two

20 I Came Into The Fellowship Looking For The Expressway And Found The Service Road

22 Fantasy: The Core Of My Addictive Behavior

24 Monkeys And Bananas

the Journal Issue #139 3 Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Preamble Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is a Twelve Step, Twelve Tradition-oriented fellowship based on the model pioneered by Alcohol- ics Anonymous.

The only qualification for S.L.A.A. membership is a desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction. S.L.A.A. is supported entirely through contributions of its membership, and is free to all who need it.

To counter the destructive consequences of sex and love addiction we draw on five major resources:

1. Sobriety. Our willingness to stop acting out in our own personal bottom -line addictive behavior on a daily basis.

2. Sponsorship/Meetings. Our capacity to reach out for the supportive fellowship within S.L.A.A.

3. Steps. Our practice of the Twelve Step program of recovery to achieve sexual and emotional sobriety.

4. Service. Our giving back to the S.L.A.A. community what we continue to freely receive.

5. Spirituality. Our developing a relationship with a Power greater than ourselves, which can guide and sustain us in recovery.

As a fellowship S.L.A.A. has no opinion on outside issues and seeks no controversy. S.L.A.A. is not affiliated with any other organi- zations, movements, or causes, either religious or secular.

We are, however, united in a common focus: dealing with our addictive sexual and emotional behavior. We find a common denomi- nator in our obsessive/compulsive patterns, which transcends any personal differences of sexual orientation or gender identity.

We need protect with special care the anonymity of every S.L.A.A. member. Additionally we try to avoid drawing undue attention to S.L.A.A. as a whole from the public media.

The Twelve Steps of S.L.A.A.*

1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts, and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives.

* ©1985 The Augustine Fellowship, S.L.A.A., Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved. The Twelve Steps are reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. Permission to reprint and adapt the Twelve Steps does not mean that A.A. is affiliated with this program. A.A. is a program of recovery from alcoholism only. Use of the Twelve Steps in connection with programs and activities, which are patterned after A.A., but which address other problems, does not imply otherwise. THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

the 4 Journal Issue #139 Letter From the Editor Dear Reader: This issue’s theme “Healing Character Defects,” is one that is very important to me, as I suspect it is to many in the S.L.A.A. program. Coming to an understanding and accepting our character defects can be a long and painful road to walk. It’s definitely not for the faint of heart. When I was young, I had a friend that used to say I needed to get a thicker skin. I thought that meant I needed to feel less emotion, to numb out. But I ended up discovering what that truly meant when I started doing the work of uncovering areas that needed to change in my personality in order to become a more healthy, spiritual person. Steps Four through Seven do some really intense work in this area. The solitary writing of the Fourth Step uncovers a lot of defects we didn’t know were lurking in the dark corners of our minds. And when we give it over to another human being, they may reveal even more defects and assure us that their Higher Power or work with the Steps has healed those very same defects, for them, so it can happen for us as well. And in Steps Six and Seven, we give everything to our Higher Power and we may start to see defects that have plagued us for years, fade away. Sometimes I forget that I was once as messed up as I was. But people who knew me then remind me! And I’m grateful for the change. I didn’t always want to see or change my character defects. Relationships with other people cures that aver- sion. I surrounded myself with people who called me on my stuff and weren’t afraid to communicate if my behavior harmed them (and were self-assured and aware enough to do so.) And if I behaved badly and was called on it, I cared about keeping the relationship enough to honestly look at myself and see if they were right in thinking my character defects were causing damage (which they so often do without my permission or even knowledge sometimes.) And program has taught me the humility to admit when I’m wrong and change my behavior instead of lying and manipulating. A lot of my character defects I was holding on to because I thought they kept me safe when they were actually harming me. Sober behavior and Higher Power are what keep me safe. I’m grateful the program opened my eyes and taught me the truth. Lisa C., Managing Editor, the Journal

The Conference Journal Committee, a service body within Sex The Augustine Fellowship, and Love Addicts Anonymous, publishes the Journal for the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, good of the international S.L.A.A. membership. Oversight and Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. policy is provided in accordance with the Ninth Tradition. 1550 NE Loop 410, Suite 118 San Antonio, TX 78209 © November 2012. The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights 1-210-828-7900 Tuesday-Friday 9:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. CT Reserved. except for holidays

Stories, interviews, personal testimony, and other content con- (fax) 1-210-828-7922. www.slaafws.org tained herein are authored by members of Sex and Love Ad- For subscription concerns, please visit: http:// dicts Anonymous. The opinions expressed in the Journal are www.slaafws.org/subscriptionhelp not necessarily the opinions of The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc., Managing Editor Lisa C. F.W.S. office, Annual Business Conference or any other Confer- Outreach Director Monique ence committee including the Conference Journal Committee Art Director Fiona or the Journal production staff. Motions adopted at the 1989, Editorial Assistant Tom B. 1990, and 1991 Conferences chartered the Journal, but it is Proofreaders for this issue Rita H. Jill W. impractical for all of the content of a periodical such as the Journal to be Conference-approved. Each recovery group can determine its own position on the use of content from the Journal at its meetings.

the Journal Issue #139 5 “H ?”

Rather than concentrating on the defects, I try to constantly apply the principles of the program — honesty, humility, willingness, etc. After using the Step process, I have utilized Also, routine application of my 11th and 12th Step the 10th Step to increase my self-awareness and practices are crucial to my recovery. vigilance in making amends when my character — Steve B., Sunrise, FL defects lead to my own poor behavior. — Rick K., Santa Cruz, CA

Tools: Pray, write, share... Go to I use spot-check inventories and day-end meetings, do service, talk to my sponsor. All the reviews in addition to checking in with my sponsor tools help to calm me down and grant me service. and being of service in the fellowship. Oh, and breathe. — Martina, Munich, Germany — Diane M., Hamilton, Ontario, Canada I journal for 15 minutes to review my day. I sponsor and have a sponsor. Honesty with myself and others takes me out of isolation and fear. use the Tenth Step to look at my day when I I Service heals me from being self-absorbed. have an uncomfortable feeling in my gut — to see — Allen, Seattle, WA what “instincts gone awry” might have been activated. It helps me to get grounded and centered again and lets my Higher Power begin to heal me. 12 Steps — 6 & 7. Humble = to be aware of — Susan G., Huntington Beach, CA one’s shortcomings. —Jim B., Hamilton, Ontario, Canada

As I realize I’m suffering, it reminds me that one of my character defects must be active. I admit the opposite behavior of the (#1), I surrender, then ask Higher Power to help Identify remove it and work on practicing the opposite defect...When I see myself doing the defect, I (try) characteristic to the defect. to do the opposite. I pray to Higher Power for the willingness to do this. It feels good when I do this! — Rick B., Largo, FL — Rob S., NYC, NY

the 6 Journal Issue #139 The Question of the Day from the last issue was, “How have you used the tools of the program to recognize and heal character defects?” Here are some wonderful responses for your en- joyment. They are not presented in any particular order. The next two questions are: Issue #140 — “Has Sobriety in S.L.A.A. revealed addictive behavior that required work in other programs? What was your experience?” The deadline for submissions is 11/16/12; and Issue #141 — “How has your idea of intimate relationships/sober dating changed through working the S.L.A.A. program?” The deadline for submissions is 1/16/13. Please send answers to www.slaafws.org.

Healing character defects is a huge part of my recovery, and its never-ending! This is such a blessing. Attending meetings and identifying with member shares is a healthy and reliable tool for me — through abstinence — (not to discover character defects that I’m ready to turn Sobriety over, which I do through sharing, outreach calls, obsessing about aspects of my addiction.) I can Step work and prayer/meditation. Every couple of clearly see my part of life. months it seems I’m ready to release a character Sponsorship/meetings — feedback on Step work defect that I thought I’d have to endure for life. from my sponsors. Shares from others — I hear my Thank you S.L.A.A.! story. I can recognize my similar behaviors. Steps — looking at previous patterns, being — Anonymous rigorously honest. Service — working with others — using the Traditions and principles of the program has shown me where I am out of balance. By using the 4th Step and in the 10th Step, I Spirituality — contact with my Higher Power — am able to shine a light on my character defects. I asking for willingness to see/be aware of character am only as sick as the secrets I keep. These Steps defects and having the courage to change what is help me be a little less sick. not working. — Dave S., Tampa, FL —anonymous, San Diego, 2012 ABM

What an incredibly important question! It Working with a sponsor has been very has been through the literature, work with my helpful; going through the Steps; getting ongoing sponsor and commitment to and participation in feedback from group members;. making amends. service for the Fellowship that I have been faced — Steve, OH with many character defects. The support of members of S.L.A.A. have created a safe environment to heal. I actually never thought too much about my — Andrew H., Elizabethtown, KY character defects until I read an A.A. book call “Drop the Rock.” Before then, I had considered Steps 6 and 7 to be very simple steps that required Good question — the tool of service helped very little action. You ask God to remove them and me deepen my sobriety but also revealed my then you’re done. character defects of perfectionism and What I realized by reading this book was that I workaholism. The healing comes from recognition am also required to take some action by letting go and a gentle acceptance of who I am and a of my character defects. God can’t remove them if I willingness to let Higher Power help me let them don’t let go. go. — Andrew K., Dallas, TX — Rita H., Montreal, Canada

the Journal Issue #139 7 By identifying and not engaging in destructive patterns. — Marcelo, San Diego, CA Allowing and accepting — “being called out” on my behavior. — Jack S., Largo, FL

I participate in after-meeting fellowship regularly, so I can practice accepting others and relating in a humble and honest way. The calm that came with working step 5 has — Conrad G., Oakland, CA enabled me to look at possible character defects without getting to “spin-y” or going off track. Once I can see the defect clearly, this solution is straight forward. Outreach calls — working the Steps — — Jacque, Los Angeles doing service. — Jonathan K., London, England To be present, all we need to do is notice our breathing: breathe in — be calm. Breath out — be happy. 10. Step — Tod, Los Angeles — Anke, Heidelberg, Germany

The 4th step inventory helped me “connect Sponsoring/service work the dots” of my addiction and helped guide me — Elizabeth, Houston, TX through this process. — Chris, Los Angeles

Spirituality: Journaling is one way I connect with Higher Power. And through the I ask God to remove them. — again and again. writing process I sometimes receive clarity on my With all the humility I can muster. character defects. Journaling also enables me to see —Ben, Los Angeles where I’m experiencing healing and progress. — Kelli, Austin, TX

When I have a conflict with another person — I go right to God. I’m able to respond with Working the Steps with my sponsor. patience and gentleness. I know it’s not about me. — Jack S., Seminole, FL — Jason, Los Angeles

the 8 Journal Issue #139 My sponsor had me write out a broad list of character defects — pride, anger, envy, greed, lust, Learned to pray, hope and not worry. sloth, gluttony, lack of self discipline, and self- — Brian, Monrovia, CA seeking fear — for my Sixth Step. He wanted me to see how these operated in my daily life and in my thinking, so he had me write down synonyms and Meetings, reaching out, listening and antonyms for each of them. And he had me do some learning to embrace my screaming little girl. writing about specific examples. — Claudine For example, with the defect of anger, I recounted how I would develop bitterness and resentment, and strong hostility towards people, places, and institutions. My sponsor wanted me to meditate on these twice a day so that I would when I have acted out Recognizing recognize these character defects when they reared and instead of beating myself up, I get on my knees their ugly heads. Only by seeing them, when they and pray. came about, (in whatever guise they were using at — Tommy the moment) could I “ask God to remove them (Step 7.)” The other day, at work, I was growing frustrated by the inefficiencies of some of what co-workers and I go to my Higher Power to help me take I do. I was getting irritated and I wasn’t seeing responsibility, apologize if necessary and begin the things well. It was to the point that I was losing process of forgiving myself. serenity. “Oh,” I then thought, “this is turning into — Kathryn unhealthy anger. God, please take this defect of character from me.” It’s been months since I had been on Step 6, but it came to mind at just the right time. Sponsorship — with my sponsor’s — Victoria H. experience and strength, and my willingness to be open to new ways of being, I’m a better person. — Dorit G., Austin, TX Before, I was oblivious to everything around me, including how my actions affected building a relationship with my Higher others. Now, I am able to be present in the moment, By and I am learning to listen — listen to my sponsor, Power. Once I realized that I could accept help from my sponsees, my family, and most importantly, to others, my life turned around. I get in pain, but then my Higher Power. I get honest. Once you “know” you cannot “not know.” —Phillip W., Little Rock, AR — Terry, Little Rock, AR

the Journal Issue #139 9 efore making my way over to the Barnes and Noble to pen my share, I was reminded how casting out my character de- Bfects is like playing a game of whack-a-mole.

I whack down one or two and In the hotel this morning I lost ironing board and ended up three more pop up. my temper with an uncooperative breaking it beyond repair.

the 10 Journal Issue #139 (Remind me again how adults like “score, victory” and without sneaking off to the crack- handle this.) Later, I made “euphoric.” In doing my Fourth cocaine stashed somewhere in amends at the front desk — Step, I discovered more the forbidden forest. reporting the incident — and appropriate words for this Third, when my character offered to pay for a new one. behavior: “predator, cheat” (left defects raise their ugly head, it is Then while driving here, work early; came home late) and not my Higher Power throwing someone began to tail me while “exploitive” with follow up words: up His hands saying, “There you honking their horn. Responding “shame, fear,” and “depression.” go again! You idiot! Another in kind, I flashed my brakes failure!” Rather, it is an invitation hoping to make his life miserable. from my Higher Power that says, Ticked off, the driver spun his car “David, what’s going on? It around mine slowed down and sounds like your engine is a little opened his door. Sensing the rough this morning. Would you danger, I made a wide arc around like us to look under the hood him, turned a hasty u-turn safely together and see what might be before oncoming traffic and haul- happening?” Why did I get so tailed it out of there. ticked off this morning that I OK. I’m a middle-aged headed towards rage? Do I need professional who falls into the to adjust my sleeping pattern? Do state of mind to let this crap I resent the fact that I am not in happen! This is just one morning control of all my vacation time and it doesn’t include my many and I didn’t get to go for my jog other bad choices, let alone the Second, the program helped this morning? Is there a junk in my brain that I just don’t me to go deeper than simply legitimate concern or am I being have opportunity or time to understand what my character obsessive and selfish? If jogging actually act on. defects are, by getting a sense of is a legitimate need (third circle This is discouraging because I the process and dynamics. For exercise) how can I have a thought the program was instance, I am a dishonest conversation to make sure it fits supposed to make the bad stuff person. The reason I am into the vacation plans? go away. I thought there was dishonest is not because I want to Did something in the long car some sort of magical promise we cheat, manipulate or do harm. ride last night trigger me back to read where, by working the steps, Rather, it is because I am afraid. the old narrative of my wife I was going to rise up to the At the risk of doing a where “she doesn’t meet my spiritual level of Gandhi — psychological dump here, women needs and the only way I am cruising through life with a smile in my life were often very strong, going to fix this is to sneak out on my face, a feeling of peace in powerful beings who did not, as a and act out?” my heart and wise proverbs rule, have my best interest in A manifestation of my rolling off my lips to help those mind – or at least that is how I character defect is not a failure. It who are new to the program. perceive them. In my internal is an invitation to look at my Before my sponsor catches me belief system, I came to think interior life in conversation with beating myself up too badly, let that the only way to get my needs others while noting the danger me think about how this program met was to be creative and signals on the path. I may not really has worked in regard to my sneaky. If I am not up front about come up with some sort of character defects. my needs (that never works solution to my current feelings. I First, it helped me identify anyway) I can find a way to work might have to move it all into the items that I didn’t know were around the system and get my realm of “this too shall pass.” character defects. In my acting needs met. Fortunately, there is a But the important take-away out career, I mentally portrayed whole adult entertainment is awareness and a determination driving down the boulevard in industry that caters to people like to be very careful and connected hunt-mode looking for the me. for the rest of the day knowing dubiously-dressed women who Seriously, knowing how the that things are amiss inside. This would have been walking by. I character defect of fear and is important for me because would use words such as dishonesty drives me, I can have acting out will only makes things “exciting, adventure” and conversations with my sponsor worse. “thrilling” to describe such and discuss how I can establish — David S., Boone, NC activities. I would even use words true and legitimate intimacy

the Journal Issue #139 11 have a friend in program who Seven more than once, in more bouts of dishonesty and the like. frequently reminds us that than one program. The first Now according to my friend’s Inowhere in the Twelve Steps Seventh Step I did was at the statement, I figured I had done does it say we need to work on suggestion of a former sponsor what I was supposed to do… I had our character defects. I used to who directed me to go someplace asked my Higher Power (I believe dismiss that statement as being solemn (I went to a chapel) and humbly) to remove my defects of merely an expression of semantics get on my knees and recite a character. So why then was I still until I really thought about it one heartfelt prayer that I had written struggling all too frequently with day. as part of my Step work. That patterns of conduct that revealed If you carefully read the Steps, prayer was basically a the strong presence of those very you will see that it is indeed a true personalization of the prayer same defects that supported my statement. Step Four only tells us known as the Seventh Step Prayer sex and love addiction? to list the character defects. In from the Big Book of Alcoholics The second time I worked the Step Five we only share them. In Anonymous. Steps was in S.L.A.A. That time, I Step Six we become willing to While a helpful exercise, I did carefully took my prior Fourth have God remove them. In Step not find that the character defects Step, reviewed and expanded it, Seven, we ask God to remove were suddenly and miraculously and spent more time praying for them. removed from me. I was still the willingness before moving on Let me start by saying that I contending with all too frequent to Step Seven. Part of my Sixth have worked Steps Four through episodes of pride and ego, some Step exercises was to review my

the 12 Journal Issue #139 Fourth Step inventory and to list compassion. I then proceeded, them go. the opposite traits of my over a number of months, to pray I certainly don’t profess to character defects. For example, and meditate on those having rid myself of all my the opposite of my lying was characteristics. character defects; I am very honesty; the opposite of my pride I also resolved to carry this much human. I will still was humility. I was struck by the spirituality with me, not only occasionally find the need to passage on pages 88-89 of our when I meditated, but as I went wear one of my old rubber band Basic Text which points out that through my daily activities. One bracelets (most often the one when we ask for the defect of trick I used was to take a wide marked “humility” as I continue impatience to be removed, we rubber band and write on it, with to struggle with ego). need not practice patience. a pen, the trait I was praying for. I do believe that I am a much Instead, we get honest about our I would then wear that rubber better person than I was before self-centered willfulness and band on my wrist throughout the and I realize that it is Step Six impatience disappears as we day noticing that it said which was a key to my growth in practice thoughtfulness towards something like “honesty.” I did recovery. I had found a way to others. It seemed to me that this this for a number of months, enlist my Higher Power’s help, approach was indeed the way to carrying with me each of my not only in removing my proceed through my Sixth and “spiritual characteristics” to keep character defects, but in Seventh Step. me mindful and open to my becoming entirely ready to have From my list of “opposite” Higher Power’s presence within them removed. traits, I created a list of those me. Instead of dwelling on the Now, when I hear my friend’s things, distilled to their most negativity of my character often-made point, I remember a simple form, that represent my defects, I worked hard to keep very important corollary: it is spirituality – the essence of what my focus on the positive true that nowhere in the Steps I believe my Higher Power gives strengths bestowed by my Higher does it say I have to work on my to me through prayer. I came up Power. For me, such an exercise character defects; it does say, with a personal list of character is the essence of prayer. By such however, that I have to be traits which seemed to me to be prayer, I found the unconscious “entirely ready” and that, in my the characteristics that come grip on my character defects case, takes a lot of work. directly from God, things such as slowly loosening and I became — Anonymous honesty, humility and loving more and more willing to let

the Journal themes and deadlines for 2013

Issue Theme Question Of The Day (QOD) Submission deadline # (articles and QOD)

#141 Developing True Intimacy: Sober Dating “How has your idea of intimate Jan. 15, 2013 Plans to Healthy Relationships relationships/sober dating changed through working the S.L.A.A. program?”

#142 Safety in Meetings “Have you ever felt unsafe or triggered by a March 14, 2013 member at a meeting? How did you (or your Group/Intergroup) handle the situation?”

#143 How Do Newcomers Become Old-Timers “Why do newcomers leave S.L.A.A.? How May 16, 2013 ** ABM Issue do old-timers stay?”

Submit your writing at www.slaafws.org

the Journal Issue #139 13 ne of the many times I did He didn’t deal too well with my Fourth and Fifth the drama of jealousy (I thought OSteps, I had a sponsor who most guys would find it flattering sat with me and listened, but he — a way I could rationalize my also pointed out my character defect and not have to pray so defects. He told me to write each much about it.) character defect in the last I kept praying for it to be column of my Fourth Step. removed but it was so stubborn For each resentment on my and wouldn’t go anywhere. It list, my sponsor gave me four or stuck to me like glue and made five character defects that I never me not want to go anywhere with thought I had. This, of course, my boyfriend for fear it would angered me, But I had the crop up and choke me. My humility (or maybe fear of jealousy became very painful. I, conflict) enough to do what he not so patiently, dealt with it for a said (even if I planned on ripping year — trusting that God would the paper into tiny little pieces eventually remove it. I guess in later.) some small corner of my mind, I He told me to go home for my thought it was keeping me safe Sixth Step and write each (as if believing my boyfriend character defect on a notecard. I wouldn’t cheat on me would jinx ended up with 150 notecards! I me somehow and only then was told to put the cards in a would he cheat.) drawer and take one out each day I must have still had that and pray for it to be removed. I belief in a trickster God who was beat myself up with this for up in the heavens laughing at all months until I felt like I couldn’t my misfortunes as he played take it anymore. Then a friend in cruel games with my emotions — A.A. told me that he takes a black even with all the evidence to the marker and makes a big X contrary. After my lightening bolt on me? (That’s not worse for him through the character defects and spiritual experience I was an by far — but, of course, I’m a acts as if God is removing that entirely different person — but selfish addict.) defect and eventually, it goes that’s a story for another time. What if I had chosen a away or at least has less power With this particular defect I cheater? Then everyone in over him. I tried that and prayed for an entire year. One S.L.A.A. would call me a fool, I’d instantly felt lighter. day, my boyfriend had the day off look bad (ego.) I wouldn’t be able But I had a huge problem with from work but for some reason, I to trust that God’s got my back jealousy. After a nine year didn’t. When I called him at (selfish, self-centered fear, taking relationship with a guy who home in the morning, he didn’t things personally, etc.) cheated on me constantly, I answer. I called him again at On my way home from work, found it hard to trust anyone. lunchtime on his cell phone with my mind in a whirlwind of When I finally got sober in number. He still didn’t answer. I crazy thoughts, I called him again S.L.A.A. and followed a sober was getting anxious. (controlling, dangerous driving, dating plan with the man that I Abandonment issues came up. and stalking by this point.) He am now married to, jealousy was What if he got in an accident? still didn’t answer. a huge problem. Worse, what if he was cheating I was convinced that God was

the 14 Journal Issue #139 trying to tell me something. I had couldn’t take any more, I jumped It wiped away all the fear and been praying for this character up from the table I was sitting at doubt that I had been feeling defect to be removed for an and made up my mind to go next about him just moments before. entire year. Why wasn’t it going door to the market to buy a pack It made me feel foolish for away? A thought popped into my of cigarettes. listening to the addict voice — mind. “Maybe God isn’t taking “I was completely resigned to but I know that’s part of my this character defect away the fact that I was just going to disease. because my boyfriend is actually be a smoker and die of lung From that moment until now, cheating on me and God wants cancer, when who walked I realized that I don’t have to give me to realize that and break up through the door and blocked my in to the crazy addict voices. I with him.” path? Your boyfriend with a can tell them to go away. I prayed for a sign. group of guys. And whenever I think I called again. “They had just come from something is a sign from God I He didn’t answer. some A.A. marathon meeting or need to do what the A.A. big “That’s what it is. I need to something and I was so shocked book says, run it by someone else break up with him. God gave me to see another “smober” Nicotine and see what they think before the sign,” I thought. Anonymous member that I just you run off and do something All the way home, I planned sat down and cried. He asked me stupid (paraphrasing here.) the break-up. I would call him what was wrong and sat and And once my (then) boyfriend (cowardly way out) and tell him I talked to me for two hours trying joined S.L.A.A. I realized that I knew he had been cheating on to convince me not to smoke. I don’t have to take it personally if me that day. God gave me a sign. haven’t lost my smobriety! Can he cheats on me. (not crazy sounding at all, right?) you believe it?! I know society says otherwise. I ran up the stairs to my “Who would have thought But if he cheats, that’s his disease apartment full of steam and that just at that critical moment and it’s not about me. I can trust ready to go. As I approached the help would come in the form of that he has his own Higher telephone, I noticed the message another member of NicA? Power and his own path. light was blinking. “I’ll just listen “Amazing hunh? I think I can I can trust my Higher Power to the message and then get right stay smober today! and God will give me the to the business of breaking up,” I “Love you and thank you for strength to follow His plan, thought. sponsoring me.” whatever that turns out to be. “Hi, Lisa. It’s J.” It was my With that she hung up the Don’t get me wrong. I know it Nicotine Anonymous sponsee phone and I could have caught would be an awful, painful road leaving me a voicemail message. flies with the shocked expression if that were to happen. I had been working with her for a on my face. But I have the support of my while and she struggled with My boyfriend is actually a S.L.A.A. group and my Higher terrible cravings for cigarettes (I stand-up guy and not some Power to help me get through know the feeling.) cheating creep that my head life’s difficulties and to hopefully The tone of her message makes him out to be? stay sober through whatever sounded uncharacteristically The fact that he wasn’t happens. light and calm — most of the answering the phone was not a And when I demonize, that time I got frantic messages from sign from God that he was a allows me to forget that I was her. cheater at all — it was just a once a cheater myself. Realizing She said, “I just got the most healthy behavior for him that my that we’re all human and fellow amazing God shot. I was sitting addict mind twisted into sufferers helps me live in reality at the local coffee house reading darkness. and brings me closer to my and all day long I’ve been having He wasn’t out there running fellows. cravings for a cigarette. They around naked at all — he was God heals my character were so powerful that they helping the addict who still defects as long as I can quit paralyzed me and made it suffers. And the fact that he playing God long enough for Him difficult to breathe. helped someone who was in a to do his work. Hopefully I will I kept praying for the strength position to tell me about it and try to help Him along the way! not to smoke. But the cravings not some random stranger was a — Lisa C., CA were relentless. Finally, when I huge God shot for me.

the Journal Issue #139 15 A Sex And Love Addict Story In Three Parts

Editor’s Note: This story contains content that may be triggering to some.

PART TWO sex so that I could exclaim to book store but the sex shop was him, “Yes! Yes I was! I was just much harder to steal from if I From the last issue of the journal... having sex with a girl! Aren’t you couldn’t even be admitted. So, Dying from the pain of my proud that your son isn’t gay?!” with the fake ID, I’d run in and first gay experience I gave more Later on in the evening, as I buy and steal toys and then run efforts to being straight. watched the young, naked male into the woods near my home to Ironically I found a Mormon girl slowly download onto my screen, play. and I finally had straight sex! I found myself thinking that I eventually got bold and tried Thank you for the cheers and there has to be a faster way to get stealing videos. After I was applause. Unfortunately, my porn. caught, my father told me that father came home in the middle If my brothers and I couldn’t what I was feeling about guys was of it. bond over typical guy things, at just a phase and that it would go And the story continues... least we could do it over alcohol away. I believed him. I ran up to question him about and fake IDs. Being 15 and With the pressure off a little his early day and to my surprise I looking 18 helped to get me into bit now, knowing that this gay found myself, instead, praying he sex shops. I learned to effectively disease was leaving, I began to would ask me if I was just having steal porn magazines from the explore it a little more first.

the 16 Journal Issue #139 Across the street was a boy I grew my head said it was so wrong. short while. By this time, I pretty up with that as we got older he And D would certainly ruin me. much gave up on girls. I did became more and more But that stupid thinking only however become an incredible effeminate. People started to lasted a few months because I manager of gossip and built a make fun of him, and I learned to was hooked. façade that was undetectable. I stay away, in public at least. The rest of our high school made a few unwitting allies into Through the internet I found my career we attempted to beards. way into his bedroom. We didn’t understand, manage and survive D lived with us for an entire know what we were doing but I this covert love affair. We traded school year. It was a dream for knew I didn’t want any intimate love notes twice a day. We took me to have him there but the contact. I just wanted to sexually the same classes. We had the consistent fear of being caught abuse his body. The disgust I felt same friends. We did the same was always between us. One seemed to excite me. I began to drugs. We did the same jobs. We night when we drunkenly passed bully him during the day and played the same sports. We out on each other, I awoke to then have sex with him at night. dressed the same. We wanted to screams and my older brother After meeting up a few times, I be “the everything” in each throwing D across the room. To couldn’t handle the shame other’s lives. stop the bashing, I jumped in my anymore and pulled away By sophomore year, I would brother’s face. entirely. ache when he wasn’t around. I I said I wasn’t going to hit him I tried to hide again in a would sneak over in my parents’ so he hit me. I made sure that I relationship with a new girl who minivan during school nights and got back up quickly to defend D. thankfully didn’t pressure me to we’d drive off to dark places and My brother continued to hit me have sex. But again I be with each other. Or he’d spend and say things like “I love you compulsively found my next the night every weekend. Or he man,” “you’re not a faggot.” He hunt. This time he was a peer and would sneak over in his parents’ finally stopped and ran to wake my first great love addiction; car. The longest I went without my mother. She made me drive D a.k.a. my first qualifier. seeing him was a week and it was home that night and banned him We met in middle school but awful, I fantasized about him from ever coming back. We were came together in high school. We missing me as much as I did or the ones punished. both were freshman and part of worse; moving on. I thought the During senior year, D found the football team. Usually after a level of my pain proved the depth another friend to live with which game night, we’d go out drinking of my love. made it very difficult to get away with the boys but one night, after We both tried to maintain our with our covert relationship. As a the others passed out, D and I straight lives, double dating result, D and I began to fight snuck back onto the football field. sometimes. Unfortunately my more and more. I started to drink His embrace was like injecting best friend, who was a girl, was in during the school week and the heaven and cured all the painful love with him, and he was still blackouts on the weekends were feelings I was having. It made me confused about everything like I more frequent. I also began to want to live. I was already was, so we’d all hang out and I’d explore heavier and heavier drinking to get drunk and watch them engage. It hurt. We’d drugs. Alone on the weekends, I exploring heavy drugs, looking at get drunk at parties and fight in started acting out sexually with porn everyday, masturbating front of people, sometimes being boys from the internet. One of everywhere and prowling the psychically abusive using beer these boys knew D and told him internet but he was suddenly the bottles or our fists. Our friends what had happened. “thing” I’d been waiting for when just got used to it, figuring we I remember feeling bad, but I I didn’t know I was waiting for it. drank too much. But really there also remember thinking that I He felt like all I needed. I was a deep unhappiness starting had to be smarter about it. It was thought maybe we could forget to resurrect in me. So I tried to always okay for me to act this our lives, our dreams and just pull D closer. way, but if D ever came close I’d run away. I remember thinking At the start of junior year, be destroyed. how accurate all the Hollywood knowing that D’s home situation Finally, I survived high school. movies were, and finally, all the was physically abusive, my I fooled them all and had been love songs that I used to dedicate mother allowed him to move into exactly what they wanted me to to the girls actually made sense. my bedroom. Now I had him all be. I played the part so well that I So I pushed him away and began the time. I thought this would fix was voted “Typical Senior.” I was to bully him like I did the any unrest he and I were so damn proud of myself, I neighbor kid. He felt so right, yet beginning to feel. And it did for a practically won an Oscar. And I the Journal Issue #139 17 only had me to celebrate with with one hand on my shin. I felt a and that was enough to send me because D and I were rapidly little “seen” by my mother that back to Virginia and back to my falling apart as I moved on to night. original college. We started college. The brighter side of making an attempt at a long I was offered an acting attempting suicide was that I had distance relationship. scholarship (at least somebody to tell everyone what was going However, when I was at my recognized my talents for being on, which was my opportunity to school, it was as if I wasn’t in a people I’m not) at a college in come out of the closet. My poor relationship. I started doing Richmond, VA, ninety miles mother asked questions like, “Do heavier drugs that would keep south of my family and D. My you have AIDS?” and reminded me awake all weekend and then first semester away was me of her view of the Mormon I’d get home, find sex online and miserable. I found myself faith, “It’s okay to have the crash. This was my pattern for a frequenting trips home on the feelings but not to act on them.” whole semester, making excuses weekends, saddened when it I spent the following semester why I could not come up to see R. came time to go back down to at a community college away My school work began to suffer school. To deal with it, I started from D, who now moved to my because I had no time for it sleeping with more guys from the old college town. I found excuses between trolling the men’s internet, since I now had new to go down and visit so that I restroom, navigating the sex territory to prowl. Then D and I could spy on him or somehow be sites, downloading new porn, attempted to sort of break up but around him. I would almost managing the short term flings, found the pain like a rubber band always inevitably get too drunk planning the drug crazed that would sort of snap us back and black out or pass out and weekend, and dealing with the together. make a fool of myself. Then I met overall constant craving for I was beginning a slow coming R. more. out process, hanging out with gay R was somebody I never It came as no surprise that I people in public, well hell — I was wanted to be in a relationship felt relief when R broke up with a theater major anyway, but with — so I stayed with him for 2 me — it was one less thing to definitely still fighting to be a years. I didn’t want to be alone manage. Regardless, all I could macho joke. On a trip to visit me and feel lonely. He had all the focus on was the tidal wave of and my new gay friends, D took qualities I think I wanted for pain that I was trying to board interest in one of them and off myself. He went to an Ivy League up. Again came the wonderful they went. school. His parents loved that he victim-speak of “How could he do Even though we were was gay. He seemed very this to me? Doesn’t he know how beginning to break up, I still went confident. And so I believed great I am? He’s the one who has bat-shit crazy, running through dating him gave more value to problems,” and my very favorite; the night, drunk and screaming. I who I was. as I would look at the world became extremely paranoid and To him, I was a straight-acting around me, “Oh, they don’t feel shut myself away from anyone I -attractive-ball-playing-trophy as bad as I do. They don’t know knew because I believed they boyfriend and I was okay with what it’s really like; they don’t were all against me. The episode that. Trophies just hold poses feel pain like this.” came to an end one night at my and never speak, but mostly During summer break, I tried parents when I punched a mirror they’re fake, plastic and dead on to find excuses to be around R, and used the broken shards to the inside. I would visit him at hanging out with “friends” which slice my wrists. I made a good his school and feel like a total were really his friends. We even bye phone call to D telling him I fraud. I felt less than these attempted to work at the same had nothing to live for. I wanted intellectuals and fabulous famous summer job together and help him to hurt as much as I did. people. So I tried to make them run a convention. We pitted a He needed to know that he want me and to impress them poor bartender between us, using was taking my whole world away with my drinking/pot smoking him as a pawn to make the other from me. After I hung up he kept skills. It’s all I thought I had to jealous. We said we were both calling back until it woke my offer. having sex with him separately, mother. She found me and I moved to New York to be although I was lying when I said wrapped my wrists up, put me in closer to R and his school. we did it. This ended in hateful bed and then slept on the floor Around that time 9/11 happened sex between R and I that led to

the 18 Journal Issue #139 more misery and confusion. director that I would never work like just over my shoulder was a When I came out of this in that town again. I left DJ too stockpile of pain waiting to fall convention experience, I went because he was holding me back. down on me at any moment. My out to the D.C. clubs to dance it He didn’t provide enough drugs life became whittled down to just all away. And then I met DJ. and meth had fueled my the base primal desires; I became I was out well into the next willingness to act out my a wild animal. I isolated in hotels morning at an after hours party fantasies. Word of caution: room cruising two computers at a when DJ came walking in to Fantasies never ever happen like time, stopping only to sell drugs. make some deliveries to the they do in your head! I found the hunt was a bigger dying crowd. He took one look at When next I saw my family, I pay off for me than the actual sex. me and pulled me into the flat out told them I didn’t need I cared more about sustaining the bathroom. He had drugs, meth, them because I was making high from being horny and used and lots of it and so I kissed him. enough money drug dealing. I the meet ups as set pieces for my He took me out of that party and was very proud of this new role glorified masturbation. I on the rest of his drug runs. that I was successfully playing. I travelled up and down the east The combination of the meth wanted my parents to react and coast stopping at all the bath and the excitement from doing try to stop me. They seemed houses. I was always having sex the deliveries made any thought more embarrassed that I was with people I didn’t want to and of R vanish from my mind and nodding out at my grandma’s found them never good-looking gave way to an incredible funeral than about anything else. enough. A few times I felt profound thought, “why can’t I It was as if I was becoming more compelled to join in on orgies but feel like this all the time!” So I and more invisible like a ghost; it was always with men that did, or tried to. my skin was turning grey, I was disgusted me. Maybe I thought I I have a very involved drug sinking into my body and I deserved it, like maybe when I story that took me from dating couldn’t stand to be in the sun. was 13. this drug dealer to taking over The following year was a plane The scariest was when I was and dealing drugs for myself. I crash. I began the experience alone because I would constantly say this because I want to weave feeling like I was superhuman. push the limits of how many through my story with the sex All my life I gave my power away different drugs I could take and and love addiction thread and needing the world to love me, how much I could take to reach not the drugs. The drugs that I and now I felt like I had all that more and more extreme orgasms. took were tools for the addictions back when I was dealing and I frequently woke up later from to act out; it was like feeding doing meth. I felt visible, blacking out not knowing what cancer to cancer. And I believe desirable and like I could do happened. sex and love addiction led the anything. parade. Unfortunately, I did have to TO BE CONCLUDED in the I flunked that semester, left keep increasing the dose to next issue of the Journal school and was literally told by a sustain this new feeling. It felt

the Journal Issue #139 19 y first S.L.A.A. meeting service work and there wasn’t any meetings and be a part of. I was in March 1999. I talk about or encouragement to actually became involved in the Mknew I belonged long do service work, people just said, Intergroup, rather than just before this meeting because I had “Go to lots of meetings.” showing up. People didn’t met another sex addict in another All of my life, I just tried to fit threaten me with their friendship, state while going to A.A. in, to be a part of, usually with didn’t want anything, and didn’t meetings, trying to fix my wife. little success. I never let people shame me when I made a He shared with me about S.L.A.A. get close. I had invisible walls mistake. They just acted like they and was able to get me a Basic surrounding me. And even understood and had been there Text. though I had already failed in two before. I immediately started going to marriages, no one had ever In service work I have made seven meetings a week. I went to penetrated those walls. great friends, male, female, gay my first Intergroup the next I began to show up at meetings and lesbian that I care about and month. I knew nothing about and help set up chairs, lead I know they care about me. I have

the 20 Journal Issue #139 learned true intimacy and how available. I have also served as lessens my shame. It gives me unconditional love works both chair of the local planning unconditional love. It gives me ways. I can tell anyone that I love committee for the IRC (twice) many other things as well, too them and there truly is no strings and chair of the host committee many to list here. attached. Because of service work for two ABC/M’s. Service work has made it I have learned what a true non- I have, and still do, serve on possible for me to travel to places sexual relationship can be with Conference committees in- I would have never been able to another human being. cluding Chair of a committee. I go to on my own. It has also given I can ask for help and support, have been to seven ABM’s over me a vast knowledge of the something I would have never the years and made great friends, Traditions that you don’t find at done in my addiction. I can stand including people I met 11 years the local level. I am sober today face to face with an attractive ago at my first ABM, and still lean because of the service work I am woman and have a conversation on them for support when doing. It has given me and listen, not thinking of how I needed. relationships I would have never can get her into bed. My service work has been the thought possible. My service work above the keystone to my recovery from sex It is said, “We can give back local group level over the years and love addiction, as well as my what we freely receive.” That is has included Intergroup chair, relationship with my wife. It what I and others do, and the treasurer and vice-chair. I have helps me stay accountable to rewards of service have been also served as the helpline person myself, my wife and all of my absolutely incredible. and literature person. In our area, friends in recovery. I write this in memory of my I have participated in a local It gives me character. It gives first sponsor, Dave K. recovery conference for the last me confidence. It gives me — Jack S., Largo, FL 12 years serving in every position courage. It gives me guidance. It

Phone Meetings Step One Speaker Share Meetings. See www.slaafws.org for There are numerous phone meetings. A good place to start is more details. the S.L.A.A. F.W.S. website: http:// directory.slaafws.org/ UPCOMING EVENTS intl_phone Fri, November 23, 2012 to Telemeeting Series Sun, November 25, 2012 Healthy Relationships 16th Annual Spiritual Renewal & Recovery Retreat To receive our schedule of telephone meetings and topics Presented by: Los Angeles Intergroup simply email: [email protected]. Where: Malibu, California More Info: Our 16th annual SLAA Spiritual Renewal & S.L.A.A. Women’s We Are Not Alone Withdrawal Recovery Retreat will be held, once again, at the Serra Re- Workshop Telemeeting Series treat Center, Malibu, California. Serra Retreat Center is a Event Date: Sat, July 07, 2012 to Sat, December 29, 2012 monastery located in the foothills of the Santa Monica For Inquiries: [email protected] Mountains and overlooking the Pacific Ocean. Join us for a More Info: Each Saturday at 7:00 pm (Eastern Time zone) week end of speakers, small group sharing, time for person- through December 2012. The S.L.A.A. Women’s We Are Not al reflection and conversation. Alone phone meeting group will be exploring the process of withdrawal as detailed in Chapter 5 of the S.L.A.A. Basic S.L.A.A. is here to help! Text. The first three Saturdays of each month will be devot- Go to www.slaafws.org ed to a different section of The Withdrawal Experience. The Fourth and Fifth Saturdays of each month will be S.L.A.A.

the Journal Issue #139 21 t the core of my addictive behavior is fantasy. Like many of us, I started my imaginary life at a young age, and I used A fairytales, comic books, and children’s fantasy stories to escape painful everyday situations.

the 22 Journal Issue #139 Mostly, as a child, I felt intent of impressing whoever middle of the night going confused. I was raised by a might see it in my bathroom through physical withdrawal. I secretive alcoholic, and we lived cabinet. Everything, from which had cold sweats, cramping, and I in a foreign country where I school to attend, to which was doubled over in pain. In my encountered language barriers apartment I lived in, was decided confusion and fear, I cried out and culture shock. I often didn’t based on how to get something loud, “Please help me! I don’t understand what was going on from someone else. know what to do.” around me, and I turned to As my disease progressed and And, from somewhere else, an imaginary narratives to make I got older, flirtation became my answer came back to me. It said: sense of the world. main tool of manipulation and “Get enough sleep (rest when Not only were the fairytales escape. I flirted with everyone: needed). (and later, television and movies) my parents, my friends, Eat good food (cook for a great tool of escape, I colleagues, men, and women. I yourself). considered the stories manuals flirted my way through job- Drink enough water. for living. Since I wasn’t opening interviews, job-exit Exercise. receiving consistent direction interviews, uncomfortable social Go to meetings.” from my parents, I turned to gatherings, birthdays, weddings, This was not the answer I was another educational outlet. I and funerals. I left a close expecting. As addicted to drama really thought that if I wore a friend’s wedding in order to as I was fantasy, I was looking long blue dress, sang with birds rendezvous with an ex-boyfriend. for, “Become a nun! Climb the in the forest, and then ate an And I had a grand old time at my Himalayas!” Somehow, “Drink apple, the resulting conclusion grandfather’s funeral because I enough water,” wasn’t the would be a happy sunset with had ended the night with a important answer I had hoped Prince Charming. I poured over prospective date. I used to gauge for. And yet… the beautiful the imaginary stories looking for the success of any social activity simplicity of it, the accessibility guidelines to happiness and love. by how many women were of it, was moving. It felt like wise This all led to my most intimidated or envious of me, council. I fell asleep and slept destructive fantasy: the belief and how many men wanted to soundly. that I had the power to control date me. And I gauged the My recovery began that night. other people’s feelings. I thought success of any relationship by These simple acts of self-care that if I wore the right outfit, had how many of my boyfriend’s became my antidote to fantasy. I the right haircut, the most friends were secretly interested had been spending 100% of my interesting job, or the nicest in me. (That means I’m a good mental and physical energy on laugh, that I could make people girlfriend, right?) the fantasy world of mani- love me. If I correctly intuited When I came to the program, pulative thinking – who loved how to look and behave in any I was in a long-distance me, who didn’t love me, how to given moment, then I would get relationship with an active be rescued by so-and-so – that I the love, affection, respect, or alcoholic. We were making plans had ignored the physical reality desire that I so desperately for him to leave his son and ex- at hand (that of just eating a wanted. If things didn’t go as wife to move in with me, and I balanced meal or drinking a glass planned, I thought it was because was miserable. Even as the of water — reality!) I had mis-read the situation. (“I fantasy of ‘marriage’ was in plain Through my recovery, I must have worn the wrong shoes, sight, I knew that something was surrendered my entire life or I should have dressed more very wrong. After going to my strategy and went through a athletic-looking…”) second meeting, I found myself painful withdrawal. Previously I This kind of manipulative sobbing uncontrollably with didn’t know how to communicate strategizing permeated my entire recognition, remorse, sadness, without flirting, and I had to life, and was the underlying and an awareness of the pain I start from scratch. agenda to every decision I made had caused myself and others. I I re-learned how to talk to during the course of a day. I knew I belonged in S.L.A.A., and people (and how to walk away if chose my breakfast based on the thought was terrifying. needed), how to wear clothes what might be most desirable I somehow drove home on the that were comfortable for me, and cool to the other person. And highway while crying, and went how to pick healthy food that I I picked out toothpaste with the straight to bed. I woke up in the enjoyed.

the Journal Issue #139 23 There were a lot of very shared by my sponsor, my kindness. I work toward awkward moments, but the fellows, and all of you. communicating openly and exercise was effective. I began When I first started the clearly, without manipulation, learning how to take care of program, I came with the fantasy and accepting that which is out of myself, and how to be present for (of course) of what recovery my control. others. This was also the would look like. I imagined the These goals bring me purpose beginning of my spiritual perfectly balanced life filled with and are a constant, invigorating practice, which is centered a loving partner, our beautiful challenge. around awareness in the present children, my successful career, I’m currently in a committed, moment. I consider my Higher our house in the hills, etc. I long-term relationship and I’m in Power to be reality, in this thought the promise of these awe of all that I learn on a daily moment, which includes typing things was the reason to work the basis. My life today is much my story for you, sitting in a large Steps. These are no longer the calmer, more centered, and chair, with a glass of tea. Because prizes of recovery for me. Today simpler, and I’m very grateful to of this, I hear my Higher Power I strive to treat myself with be on this journey with you. through the wise things that are kindness, and to treat others with — Elise

s I sit here shoving a letting myself get too hungry, getting my PhD. in Step 4, each buttered brötchen in my that remind me that my and every one of my various and A mouth, I think about how upbringing wasn’t one that sundried character defects have those of us who were never fostered self-love or care in any come out to expose themselves taught some of the most basic way, shape or form. So I guess like a de-needled Christmas tree. adult skills resemble more it’s no surprise really when one My personal favorite flavor of orangutan than human. I’m abused, needy adult meets sex and love addiction is a specifically thinking about another, the insanity which dependency so desperate it qualities more along the lines of ensues resembles a lot more makes a paperclip look like a can expressing anger appropriately “Adventures of the Serengeti” opener. I needed his approval to and stating one’s needs, but the than “Leave it to Beaver.” live almost as much as water. way I’m eating also leaves more In the spirit of a completely And if you’d demanded from me than a little decorum to be random yet apropos non- a choice of the two I would have desired. sequitur, I feel it’s important to readily proclaimed, “Death by One of the first things my note that I’ve somehow eaten thirst, please!” It’s no wonder sponsor stressed in my first three bananas today. that by the time I came into the hellacious days of recovery, was I can’t speak for my partner, rooms, I had seriously con- learning how to feed myself but my behavior alone, rife with templated suicide more than a properly. Something that seems control, judgment, and mani- couple of times. quite obvious and, well, almost pulation (particularly of the Endowed with the gift of infantile for the likes of a 34-year passive aggressive persuasion) desperation that still drives me -old woman. But it’s still these clearly doomed even the purest six months in, I’ve worked this basic program tenants, like not of loves to misery. Currently program as if my life depended

the 24 Journal Issue #139 on it, because it did. I left a Sobbing myself through this city, you two have more in common relationship with the man I love I’m confident that I’ve financed than you think.” in a foreign country where I had the Tempo tissue company’s Little did I realize at the time no job, no friends, nowhere to summer family holiday on the how accurate my statement live and didn’t speak the Riviera. I’ve walked and cried actually was. I have hope that this language. To say that S.L.A.A. hundreds of kilometers just to program will someday restore me saved my life might be a bit of an keep from going crazy. to something resembling more understatement. A couple years ago I took care adult woman than wild ape or The past six months have been of Cookie for a weekend, a poor incontinent dachshund. Until the hardest of my life bar none. little hot-dog who had been then, I’ll continue tearfully Sure, I’ve experienced hundreds beaten almost to death as a wandering the cobbled streets of of difficult periods, but now that puppy. She was so neurotic that this increasingly less foreign city. the addiction has stopped and the every time I would leave the If not wild beast, at least I can damn onion peels away, I’m left house she would pee the floor. I always use the excuse of being grieving 34 years of stored anger, said to myself one day while just another crazy American. abuse, abandonment and shame. impatiently walking her, “Be nice, — anonymous

Service opportunities for the Journal

The Journal is a basic recovery tool for S.L.A.A. groups and individual members, and it is a key outreach tool into areas that do not yet have an S.L.A.A. presence. We’re looking for people with writing, drawing, outreach, web design, production, and printing skills to assist in the creation of the new, deeper, more re- freshing publication. Please assist us in creatively carrying the message of recovery. Please go to http://www.slaa.fws.org to submit your writing.

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