the Journal Issue #139 1 © 1990 The Augustine Fellowship, S.L.A.A., Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved © 1990 The Augustine Fellowship, S.L.A.A., Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved the 2 Journal Issue #139 4 Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Preamble 5 Letter From the Editor 4 The Twelve Steps 6 Question of the Day Theme: Healing Character Defects 10 Those Ever-Appearing Character Defects 12 Not Working On My Defects 14 Letting God Forge My Character While Trying to Participate Share Space 16 Storied Limitations, Part Two 20 I Came Into The Fellowship Looking For The Expressway And Found The Service Road 22 Fantasy: The Core Of My Addictive Behavior 24 Monkeys And Bananas the Journal Issue #139 3 Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Preamble Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is a Twelve Step, Twelve Tradition-oriented fellowship based on the model pioneered by Alcohol- ics Anonymous. The only qualification for S.L.A.A. membership is a desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction. S.L.A.A. is support- ed entirely through contributions of its membership, and is free to all who need it. To counter the destructive consequences of sex and love addiction we draw on five major resources: 1. Sobriety. Our willingness to stop acting out in our own personal bottom -line addictive behavior on a daily basis. 2. Sponsorship/Meetings. Our capacity to reach out for the supportive fellowship within S.L.A.A. 3. Steps. Our practice of the Twelve Step program of recovery to achieve sexual and emotional sobriety. 4. Service. Our giving back to the S.L.A.A. community what we continue to freely receive. 5. Spirituality. Our developing a relationship with a Power greater than ourselves, which can guide and sustain us in recovery. As a fellowship S.L.A.A. has no opinion on outside issues and seeks no controversy. S.L.A.A. is not affiliated with any other organi- zations, movements, or causes, either religious or secular. We are, however, united in a common focus: dealing with our addictive sexual and emotional behavior. We find a common denomi- nator in our obsessive/compulsive patterns, which transcends any personal differences of sexual orientation or gender identity. We need protect with special care the anonymity of every S.L.A.A. member. Additionally we try to avoid drawing undue attention to S.L.A.A. as a whole from the public media. ©1985, 2003, 2012 The Augustine Fellowship, S.L.A.A., Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved. The Twelve Steps of S.L.A.A.* 1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Power greater than our- selves, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts, and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives. * ©1985 The Augustine Fellowship, S.L.A.A., Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved. The Twelve Steps are reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. Permission to reprint and adapt the Twelve Steps does not mean that A.A. is affiliated with this program. A.A. is a program of recovery from alcoholism only. Use of the Twelve Steps in connection with programs and activities, which are patterned after A.A., but which address other problems, does not imply otherwise. THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. the 4 Journal Issue #139 Letter From the Editor Dear Reader: This issue’s theme “Healing Character Defects,” is one that is very important to me, as I suspect it is to many in the S.L.A.A. program. Coming to an understanding and accepting our character defects can be a long and painful road to walk. It’s definitely not for the faint of heart. When I was young, I had a friend that used to say I needed to get a thicker skin. I thought that meant I needed to feel less emotion, to numb out. But I end- ed up discovering what that truly meant when I started doing the work of uncovering areas that needed to change in my personality in order to become a more healthy, spiritual person. Steps Four through Seven do some really intense work in this area. The solitary writing of the Fourth Step uncovers a lot of defects we didn’t know were lurking in the dark corners of our minds. And when we give it over to another human being, they may reveal even more defects and assure us that their Higher Power or work with the Steps has healed those very same defects, for them, so it can happen for us as well. And in Steps Six and Seven, we give everything to our Higher Power and we may start to see defects that have plagued us for years, fade away. Sometimes I forget that I was once as messed up as I was. But people who knew me then remind me! And I’m grateful for the change. I didn’t always want to see or change my character defects. Relationships with other people cures that aver- sion. I surrounded myself with people who called me on my stuff and weren’t afraid to communicate if my behavior harmed them (and were self-assured and aware enough to do so.) And if I behaved badly and was called on it, I cared about keeping the relationship enough to honestly look at myself and see if they were right in thinking my character defects were causing damage (which they so often do without my permission or even knowledge sometimes.) And program has taught me the humility to admit when I’m wrong and change my behavior instead of lying and manipulating. A lot of my character defects I was holding on to because I thought they kept me safe when they were actual- ly harming me. Sober behavior and Higher Power are what keep me safe. I’m grateful the program opened my eyes and taught me the truth. Lisa C., Managing Editor, the Journal The Conference Journal Committee, a service body within Sex The Augustine Fellowship, and Love Addicts Anonymous, publishes the Journal for the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, good of the international S.L.A.A. membership. Oversight and Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. policy is provided in accordance with the Ninth Tradition. 1550 NE Loop 410, Suite 118 San Antonio, TX 78209 © November 2012. The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights 1-210-828-7900 Tuesday-Friday 9:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. CT Reserved. except for holidays Stories, interviews, personal testimony, and other content con- (fax) 1-210-828-7922. www.slaafws.org tained herein are authored by members of Sex and Love Ad- For subscription concerns, please visit: http:// dicts Anonymous. The opinions expressed in the Journal are www.slaafws.org/subscriptionhelp not necessarily the opinions of The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc., Managing Editor Lisa C. F.W.S. office, Annual Business Conference or any other Confer- Outreach Director Monique ence committee including the Conference Journal Committee Art Director Fiona or the Journal production staff.