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The Seductive Withholder Will Again Holders

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The Seductive Withholder Will Again Holders LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS By Mandy Peterson ARE YOU BEING TAKEN FOR A RIDE ON A RELATIONSHIP MERRY-GO-ROUND? Seductive Withholders may attempt The Seductive to reinitiate the relationships they sabotage. They are one form of what’s Withholder termed an Ambivilant Love Addict. Like Romance Addicts, Seductive Withholders are a form of Ambivalent Love Addict. Susan Peabody was the first to create the term “Ambivalent Love Addiction”–see her book Addic- tion to Unrequited Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships. Ambivalent Love Addicts tend to crave ilar to the Saboteur, except they don’t of intimacy or of rejection. Whatever intimacy and closeness with a partner, completely walk away from the rela- the case, a pattern is set up; one which but fear it at the same time. They tend tionships they sabotage. A Saboteur keeps the relationship hot and cold, or to keep relationships at a superficial will usually not look back once they on and off. Seductive Withholders will level through various means. This pro- have sabotaged a relationship. Howev- often continue this on-and-off process tects them from having to develop a er, if such a person does look back, and for as long as their love interest(s) is closer and more intimate relationship. if they re-initiate this pattern over and able to endure it. According to Susan, the different types over with the same partner, they then of Ambivalent Love Addicts include: become a “Seductive Withholder.” Thus, Seductive Withholders could be • Torchbearers – those who are attract- defined as those whose love style is to ed to unrequited love relationships Seductive Withholders may also have swing back and forth between with- • Saboteurs – those who sabotage rela- Torchbearer tendencies as well, in the holding sex, companionship, commit- tionships at the point they get serious sense that they may attempt to re-ini- ment and affection, and then offering and who don’t look back tiate relationships they sabotage due them again when it feels safe or con- • Romance Addicts – those who are to a subconscious desire to see if their venient. addicted to multiple partners; bond- love is still requited. However, if after ing with each one, but at the same a reconnection the relationship grows According to Susan Peabody, there time avoiding a deep involvement and to become deeper and more intimate, are two main kinds of Seductive With- commitment the Seductive Withholder will again holders. The first behavior is narcissis- • Seductive withholders – those who feel tempted to break the connection. tic-based. The second behavior is fear- repeat a pattern of being available and The reason could be distinctive for dif- based. then unavailable, or offering sex and ferent types of Seductive Withholders. then withholding sex. For some, it could be because a high For the narcissistic Seductive With- has worn off (i.e. the thrill of the chase) holder, seducing someone over and When it comes to the Seductive With- and boredom has set in. For others, the over again after abandoning/provok- holder, this type of love interest is sim- cause may be an overwhelming fear ing a break-up becomes a kind of game. 80 • Bellesprit Magazine • www.bellesprit.com Bellesprit Magazine • www.bellesprit.com • 81 LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS According to Susan Peabody, through seducing and it can be painful for them to think this will not happen Yes! Unlike the narcissistic Seductive Withholders, has feelings. then withholding, the narcissistic Seductive With- (which this fear addicts them to needing the partner the fear-based type genuinely cares for and is attract- holders can get a “high” off of playing with a partner’s to want them back). I’ve had many clients call me in ed to the person(s) they seduce and then abandon. While making up brings the intense feelings back, as feelings. They do not always fully break up with a love fear saying; “I’m scared. I don’t think he/she will take Also, because their behavior is fear-based rather than soon as things become settled again, they may fear it interest, but can begin to withdraw, not return phone me back this time.” They begin to fear that this means narcissistic, these types can often respond better to means the love is dying. Thus, their fear of rejection calls, withhold sex or become more distant or unfaith- they were the one who was rejected, even though therapy. According to Susan Peabody, part of their gets triggered again. They need, in such situations, ful (which sometimes provokes their partner to initi- they initiated the break up. healing involves learning to attract a partner who is to understand that there are phases in a relationship, ate a break). They seem to lack empathy toward the the right type for them; usually a person who is in- and that just because an infatuation phase wears off, hurt they cause. Then, when some time has passed, For others, returning to seducer mode after with- dependent and self-sufficient, but also patient. They, this doesn’t mean they will be abandoned or are not they reinitiate contact if their partner hasn’t attempt- drawing can stem from a pervasive feeling of lone- then, have to learn to stick with the relationship even loved anymore. The most dangerous types of partners ed to reinitiate on their own. From speaking with cli- liness (whether in or out of the relationship). For the when their fear comes up. for the fear-based Seductive Withholder are narcissis- ents I have given love readings, I have observed that lonely type, they may feel lonely and unhappy within tic Seductive Withholders, Romance Addicts or indi- this type of love addict will often reinitiate contact in the relationship. They begin to obsess on this and on I also find that some of these types of Seductive With- viduals who are too emotionally distant. Their doubts a way in which they act like nothing happened. This how unhappy they feel; sometimes projecting that holders are highly sensitive and empathic. They tend and intuitions in such relationships can get the best can be very confusing to their partner. The behavior is their partner must feel the same. They, then, can then to feel so much that when a relationship becomes of them and sometimes are founded. often left unaddressed because although the partner feel the overwhelming urge to leave the relationship. more settled, they become acutely aware that their feels hurt or confused, they may be happy to be pur- Yet, after backing away from such a relationship, they partner is less obsessed with them. Feeling this lack Fixer-Upper Seductive Withholders – I Love-Hate sued again and do not wish to rock the boat. may still find they feel lonely, wanting what little they of passion in their partner can make them assume all You had back. sorts of things; such as their partner doesn’t care, is How can one recognize a narcissistic Seductive With- unhappy or about to break up with them. They, then, In my work as a relationship psychic, there is a third holder? Is there hope for the fear-based Seductive Withhold- begin to panic. Breaking up can sometimes be a way type of Seductive Withholder, often female, that I am er? to bring the passion back or to test if their partner still often presented with. This Fixer-Upper Seductive The narcissistic Seductive Withholder presents with Withholder begins a pattern of withdrawing from a sense of entitlement, a pattern toward being ma- their partner out of a need to fix or punish them. nipulative in order to get what he/she wants, a lack When it does not work, they return back to seducer of empathy towards others, a resistance to chang- mode. You can recognize these Seductive Withhold- ing their ways, inability to apologize, or a pattern of ers through how they often begin a dance with a love projecting all the problems of the relationship onto object in which there is an initial infatuation followed their partner. You can often recognize these types of by a love-hate relationship. love addicts because they may have a collection of ex-partners or flirtations around them who they want There are two forms of Fixer-Uppers: those who are to keep in their circle. They often have no difficulty not being abused and those who are. with dishonesty or with accusing a partner of being crazy or unstable for suspecting them of infidelity, In the first case, the Seductive Withholder is usually even when they are in fact guilty of it. Relationships hot and cold due to exasperation. Many are with part- usually revolve around their needs rather than what is ners who are emotionally unavailable or who are not best for their partner. seen as good enough or doing enough on some level. This may leave the Seductive Withholder always try- In contrast to this, the fear-based Seductive With- ing to “fix” them through “if you love/miss/want me holder assumes that getting too close to a love inter- enough you will change” type thinking. They can then est means potentially getting hurt. feel frustrated if they have been expecting change but it doesn’t happen, or if the partner does not do If they leave fearing being hurt, why do they return? what they want. Thus, such Seductive Withholders For some, a pattern of returning to the relationship may withhold sex or initiate a break up as a means after pulling away stems from a fear of rejection to punish or manipulate their partners; usually out and abandonment.
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