AND RELATIONSHIPS LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

By Mandy Peterson

ARE YOU BEING TAKEN FOR A RIDE ON A RELATIONSHIP MERRY-GO-ROUND?

Seductive Withholders may attempt The Seductive to reinitiate the relationships they sabotage. They are one form of what’s Withholder termed an Ambivilant Love Addict. Like Addicts, Seductive Withholders are a form of Ambivalent Love Addict. Susan Peabody was the first to create the term “Ambivalent Love Addiction”–see her book Addic- tion to : Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships.

Ambivalent Love Addicts tend to crave ilar to the Saboteur, except they don’t of intimacy or of rejection. Whatever intimacy and closeness with a partner, completely walk away from the rela- the case, a pattern is set up; one which but fear it at the same time. They tend tionships they sabotage. A Saboteur keeps the relationship hot and cold, or to keep relationships at a superficial will usually not look back once they on and off. Seductive Withholders will level through various means. This pro- have sabotaged a relationship. Howev- often continue this on-and-off process tects them from having to develop a er, if such a person does look back, and for as long as their love interest(s) is closer and more . if they re-initiate this pattern over and able to endure it. According to Susan, the different types over with the same partner, they then of Ambivalent Love Addicts include: become a “Seductive Withholder.” Thus, Seductive Withholders could be • Torchbearers – those who are attract- defined as those whose love style is to ed to unrequited love relationships Seductive Withholders may also have swing back and forth between with- • Saboteurs – those who sabotage rela- Torchbearer tendencies as well, in the holding sex, companionship, commit- tionships at the point they get serious sense that they may attempt to re-ini- ment and , and then offering and who don’t look back tiate relationships they sabotage due them again when it feels safe or con- • Romance Addicts – those who are to a subconscious desire to see if their venient. addicted to multiple partners; bond- love is still requited. However, if after ing with each one, but at the same a reconnection the relationship grows According to Susan Peabody, there time avoiding a deep involvement and to become deeper and more intimate, are two main kinds of Seductive With- commitment the Seductive Withholder will again holders. The first behavior is narcissis- • Seductive withholders – those who feel tempted to break the connection. tic-based. The second behavior is fear- repeat a pattern of being available and The reason could be distinctive for dif- based. then unavailable, or offering sex and ferent types of Seductive Withholders. then withholding sex. For some, it could be because a high For the narcissistic Seductive With- has worn off (i.e. the thrill of the chase) holder, seducing someone over and When it comes to the Seductive With- and boredom has set in. For others, the over again after abandoning/provok- holder, this type of love interest is sim- cause may be an overwhelming fear ing a break-up becomes a kind of game. 80 • Bellesprit Magazine • www.bellesprit.com Bellesprit Magazine • www.bellesprit.com • 81 LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS According to Susan Peabody, through seducing and it can be painful for them to think this will not happen Yes! Unlike the narcissistic Seductive Withholders, has feelings. then withholding, the narcissistic Seductive With- (which this fear addicts them to needing the partner the fear-based type genuinely cares for and is attract- holders can get a “high” off of playing with a partner’s to want them back). I’ve had many clients call me in ed to the person(s) they seduce and then abandon. While making up brings the intense feelings back, as feelings. They do not always fully break up with a love fear saying; “I’m scared. I don’t think he/she will take Also, because their behavior is fear-based rather than soon as things become settled again, they may fear it interest, but can begin to withdraw, not return phone me back this time.” They begin to fear that this means narcissistic, these types can often respond better to means the love is dying. Thus, their fear of rejection calls, withhold sex or become more distant or unfaith- they were the one who was rejected, even though therapy. According to Susan Peabody, part of their gets triggered again. They need, in such situations, ful (which sometimes provokes their partner to initi- they initiated the break up. healing involves learning to attract a partner who is to understand that there are phases in a relationship, ate a break). They seem to lack empathy toward the the right type for them; usually a person who is in- and that just because an phase wears off, hurt they cause. Then, when some time has passed, For others, returning to seducer mode after with- dependent and self-sufficient, but also patient. They, this doesn’t mean they will be abandoned or are not they reinitiate contact if their partner hasn’t attempt- drawing can stem from a pervasive feeling of lone- then, have to learn to stick with the relationship even loved anymore. The most dangerous types of partners ed to reinitiate on their own. From speaking with cli- liness (whether in or out of the relationship). For the when their fear comes up. for the fear-based Seductive Withholder are narcissis- ents I have given love readings, I have observed that lonely type, they may feel lonely and unhappy within tic Seductive Withholders, Romance Addicts or indi- this type of love addict will often reinitiate contact in the relationship. They begin to obsess on this and on I also find that some of these types of Seductive With- viduals who are too emotionally distant. Their doubts a way in which they act like nothing happened. This how unhappy they feel; sometimes projecting that holders are highly sensitive and empathic. They tend and intuitions in such relationships can get the best can be very confusing to their partner. The behavior is their partner must feel the same. They, then, can then to feel so much that when a relationship becomes of them and sometimes are founded. often left unaddressed because although the partner feel the overwhelming urge to leave the relationship. more settled, they become acutely aware that their feels hurt or confused, they may be happy to be pur- Yet, after backing away from such a relationship, they partner is less obsessed with them. Feeling this lack Fixer-Upper Seductive Withholders – I Love-Hate sued again and do not wish to rock the boat. may still find they feel lonely, wanting what little they of in their partner can make them assume all You had back. sorts of things; such as their partner doesn’t care, is How can one recognize a narcissistic Seductive With- unhappy or about to break up with them. They, then, In my work as a relationship psychic, there is a third holder? Is there hope for the fear-based Seductive Withhold- begin to panic. Breaking up can sometimes be a way type of Seductive Withholder, often female, that I am er? to bring the passion back or to test if their partner still often presented with. This Fixer-Upper Seductive The narcissistic Seductive Withholder presents with Withholder begins a pattern of withdrawing from a sense of entitlement, a pattern toward being ma- their partner out of a need to fix or punish them. nipulative in order to get what he/she wants, a lack When it does not work, they return back to seducer of empathy towards others, a resistance to chang- mode. You can recognize these Seductive Withhold- ing their ways, inability to apologize, or a pattern of ers through how they often begin a dance with a love projecting all the problems of the relationship onto object in which there is an initial infatuation followed their partner. You can often recognize these types of by a love-hate relationship. love addicts because they may have a collection of ex-partners or flirtations around them who they want There are two forms of Fixer-Uppers: those who are to keep in their circle. They often have no difficulty not being abused and those who are. with dishonesty or with accusing a partner of being crazy or unstable for suspecting them of infidelity, In the first case, the Seductive Withholder is usually even when they are in fact guilty of it. Relationships hot and cold due to exasperation. Many are with part- usually revolve around their needs rather than what is ners who are emotionally unavailable or who are not best for their partner. seen as good enough or doing enough on some level. This may leave the Seductive Withholder always try- In contrast to this, the fear-based Seductive With- ing to “fix” them through “if you love/miss/want me holder assumes that getting too close to a love inter- enough you will change” type thinking. They can then est means potentially getting hurt. feel frustrated if they have been expecting change but it doesn’t happen, or if the partner does not do If they leave fearing being hurt, why do they return? what they want. Thus, such Seductive Withholders For some, a pattern of returning to the relationship may withhold sex or initiate a break up as a means after pulling away stems from a fear of rejection to punish or manipulate their partners; usually out and abandonment. Some will fear that if their part- of frustration and unhappiness. When the frustration ner doesn’t chase them back or moves on quickly, passes, they are back to wanting affection and/or a re- it means they were never cared about. Some reject lationship again. This pattern might repeat whenever their partner, after all, fearing to be rejected them- the Seductive Withholder feels frustrated or unhap- selves. So, if they are used to the partner coming back, py. They would do best to focus on either accepting

82 • Bellesprit Magazine • www.bellesprit.com Bellesprit Magazine • www.bellesprit.com • 83 LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS their partner as they are or deciding to leave. This is of the fear-based Seductive Withholder if they have partner was more worthy or hoping to improve them because their tactics rarely get them what they want strong fears of rejection accompanying their strong somehow. and do not resolve the inner sense of unhappiness feelings of anger. they feel with their partner and relationship—wheth- Why does a Seductive Withholder’s partner keep er their partner ends up making changes or not. In some cases, their partner is being dishonest about taking them back? infidelities or perversions, or denies being abusive The second form of abused Fixer-Upper attempts to stating it is “all in the head” (also called “crazy mak- This is an important question, because the danger is fix more serious issues in their partner out of a faulty ing”). This can create a lot of confusion for the abused the Seductive Withholder who is in an abusive rela- belief that if their partner truly them enough, Fixer-Upper who doesn’t know what to from one tionship misinterprets being taken back as a sign of then certain abusive patterns in their partner will moment to the next. Their off-and-on behavior may true love or that the relationship will improve. I have change. Such patterns may include: be marked by their tendencies to waver between ide- heard women say “He must really love me to take me alization, denial and fantasy versus seeing the reali- back all the time.” • physical or emotional abuse ty of their situation. This can create black and white • infidelity thinking and shifting moods and behaviors. The lon- In the case where a Seductive Withholder is with an- • perversion (i.e. sexual abuse, etc.) ger these Seductive Withholders remain in these rela- other who is a narcissist or a Casanova, such a narcis- • sex addiction tionships, the more damage can occur to their psyche sist may accept the comings and goings of their on- • narcissistic seductive withholder tendencies or to their ability to trust their intuition. The Seductive again-off-again partner because they are not overly withholder in this situation would do better to under- invested and thus do not feel too much distress over Despite knowing the relationship is abusive, the stand that their partner’s issues don’t stem from any- the behavior. For example, while a Fixer-Upper may abused Fixer-Upper believes it can be fixed through thing they have done or from their being unlovable. be obsessed with a Casanova, they may forget that love one moment and hate the next. Like the less ex- This is easier said, however, than integrated. a Casanova may have a string of backup options to treme form of Fixer-Upper, when in the hate phase, keep them occupied and is used to this type of behav- the abused Fixer-Upper believes that through with- Whatever the case may be, as soon as this type of ior from his many of his on-again-off-again liaisons. holding love and commitment it will punish the abus- Seductive Withholder breaks with their love interest er or make him/her change his/her abusive or unfaith- (not able to tolerate the relationship and wanting Other types of partners may get a similar high off the ful ways. The hope, of course, is that their partner will change), they may afterwards (and sometimes only comings and goings. If the pattern has occurred for take it as an ultimatum and offer to change, be more within a couple of hours) become terrified of losing a while, the Seductive Withholder’s break ups might honest or faithful, etc. The love/seduction phase can their love object, or that this person may move on not be taken seriously anymore and the partner may then fix things when they fear the hate phase hurt the and forget about them. After all, part of the uncon- become smug or callous about it or simply waits for partner or drove them away. scious motivation toward leaving is the hope that it them to come back around again. would incite some sort of reaction (a gesture of love, These individuals are not the same as those who validation, caring, a promise to change, an offer to be Those who are unfaithful may use the on-and-off be- leave relationships out of fear and feel seduced back faithful or more honest, etc.). When such a reaction havior as an excuse to carry out infidelities without by their partner. These individuals feel angry over does not occur, this Seductive Withholder may feel feeling guilty. Some even know how to trigger the feeling used, abused, cheated on, etc. and may feel a intense fear that they have been taken for granted or seductive withholder in order to set them into “flee” real intention of leaving in the moment, but in their were never loved. They then want back into the love mode for this purpose. heart their real hope is an idealistic one: that their objects good graces again to test whether they are partner will change for them and validate that they still loved and accepted. In the case that a Seductive Withholder (a form of were loved and appreciated. In many of the situations Ambivalent Love Addict) is dating another Ambiva- I have read, some abused Fixer-Uppers can become All in all, on some level, the Fixer-Upper Seductive lent Love Addict, sometimes, the only relationship verbally abusive themselves when in the hate phase. Withholder (of either type) does not feel the love ob- that will work or last for either is to be with someone They can also feel regrets and shame over their be- ject is worthy of them. However, at the same time, who is as frightened of intimacy as they are. I often havior when in the seducer phase. they can feel that they are unworthy to their love ob- tell those who are blaming themselves because their ject (i.e. “if he loved me he would change”). I usually ambivalent partner is expressing frustration at be- Because these Fixer-Uppers have been abused, they ask them to regularly visualize being with someone ing dumped all the time, to try not breaking up for a may develop patterns of denial, idealization or oth- they would consider more worthy. For some, this is while and see if their love interest doesn’t on his own er coping mechanisms to cope with the pain of why hard to even visualize. It feels much safer for them begin to distance himself, call less, etc. Sure enough, they remain in such a relationship (usually not be- to attract partners who don’t threaten them and this is usually what will happen. Another danger is lieving they can attract or deserve someone who whom they can feel in some way superior. They, then, that once the Seductive Withholder catches on to the will treat them better). They can also have symptoms however, can succumb to resentments; wishing their fact that the only way to keep another Ambivalent’s

84 • Bellesprit Magazine • www.bellesprit.com Bellesprit Magazine • www.bellesprit.com • 85 LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS interest is to break up repeatedly, this can become the partner back unless the partner first agrees to go another reason for them to initiate break ups (out of to counseling or to change their behavior. Many are a fear of being rejected if the relationship goes stale). afraid to ask this however, or are told “no.” Missing This behavior is one of the most damaging to the their partner and in seducer mode, they can feel they self-esteem that I have ever witnessed within clients. must resign and return to an abusive relationship. This is because it often subjects this kind of Seductive They accept the abuse while hoping for the miracle Withholder to even more mistreatment as a way to that their partner will change. However, it needs to get their love object back. The love object, if abusive, be understood, that if a person is abusive and refuses takes their return as a sign they will tolerate more to change or get help, it is likely they do not even see and more abuse, infidelity or callousness. Many who a need for change. If narcissistic, they may prefer that return may be treated casually, called “crazy,” “par- their partner change to accommodate and accept anoid” or “untrustworthy” (for suspecting or their abusive natures. deceptions), or may be made out to be the unstable partner. It is part truth, because the Seductive With- Lastly, some Seductive Withholders may start to holder’s own instability keeps them going back to an doubt they can have a normal relationship or be in unstable, unfaithful or abusive partner. one without the temptation to withdraw. The dan- ger arises that the Seductive Withholder can become Any Other Advice? addicted to the drama of the ups and downs, or to the sense of competition (to see if they can win love For those Seductive Withholder’s who are not narcis- or approval from someone they perceive as unloving, sistic, many who I read need to work on grounding distant or cruel) etc. This can make it difficult to return issues and making decisions, rather than being led by to feeling comfortable within a normal uncomplicat- their emotions, empathy or whatever they feel needs ed relationship. So, practicing being able to visual- to happen or is going on with their partner. They tend ize being in a relationship that is loving and healthy, to be very scattered types who avoid/are too proud while not running away, may help to some degree by to ask for what they want or to set boundaries. Some- giving the Seductive Withholder another way to see times because they break up so much, they feel they themselves in a relationship.. have no right to ask for anything. Some can only ex- press their feelings to a partner while in the process For my other Bellesprit articles on Love Addiction, see: of breaking up. I think the real fear is of rejection if they state their feelings or put forward a boundary Are You In A Relationship With Unpredictable Re- that isn’t agreed upon. wards

Healing past traumas may help as well, since some of Addiction to Unrequited Love: The Torchbearer these on-again-off-again types may have repeated the same pattern in childhood (pulling away from a For Susan Peabody’s book Addiction to Love: Overcom- parent if feeling rejected or abused but then return- ing Obsession and Dependency in Relationships, see ing affection again). Others may have a history of be- here>> ing in an abusive relationship which took time to get strength to fully leave. Sometimes a betrayal may set the pattern off or a Seductive Withholder may have suffered a harsh divorce where they were slandered or taken for almost everything they had. Relation- ships become perceived as a source of fire where one is frightened to get burned or too close to the flame. So, to keep safe, there is adapted a touch-and-go type of maneuvering; fearing to get too close, but deeply wanting intimacy and love.

In an abusive situation, I always suggest not taking

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