Addiction Is Definitely Real

1. Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with 1. We seek to develop a daily relationship with a Higher Power, and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them. knowing that we are not alone in our efforts to heal ourselves from 2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to our addiction. painful, destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs 2. We are willing to be vulnerable because the capacity to trust has from ourselves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from been restored to us by our faith in a Higher Power. friends and loved ones, ourselves, and God. 3. We surrender, one day at a time, our whole life strategy of, and 3. Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pur- our obsession with the pursuit of romantic and sexual intrigue and sue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, some- emotional dependency. times having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time. 4. We learn to avoid situations that may put us at risk physically, 4. We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, morally, psychologically or spiritually. pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued. 5. We learn to accept and love ourselves, to take responsibility for 5. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though our own lives, and to take care of our own needs before involving we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relation- ourselves with others. ships and sexual contacts. 6. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and 6. We become willing to ask for help, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and learning to trust and accept others. envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for nurtur- ing care, and support. 7. We allow ourselves to work through the pain of our low self- 7. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control esteem and our fears of abandonment and responsibility. We learn to feel comfortable in solitude. others. 8. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or 8. We begin to accept our imperfections and mistakes as part of sexual obsessions or fantasies. being human, healing our shame and perfectionism while working on our character defects. 9. We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally unavailable. 9. We begin to substitute honesty for self-destructive ways of expressing emotions and feelings. 10. We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or compulsive sexual activities. 10.We become honest in expressing who we are, developing true intimacy in our relationships with ourselves and others. 11. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery. 11.We learn to value sex as a by-product of sharing, commitment, trust and cooperation in a partnership. 12. We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expecta- 12.We are restored to sanity, on a daily basis, by participating in the tions. process of recovery.

© 1990 The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. © 1990 The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved All Rights Reserved theJournal Issue #144

Table of Contents

Letter From The Editor 3 Sex And Love Addicts Anonymous Preamble 4 The Twelve Steps 5 Question Of The Day 6

Theme: Sex And Love Addiction: What Is Real?

Acting Out Was A Full Time Job 10 Sex And Love Addiction Might Be Real, If... 12 How I Know Sex and Love Addiction is Real 14 Addiction Deeply Damaged My Soul 16 Addiction Is Definitely Real 18 A Slip Is A Slip 19 No Longer A Vague Idea Of What I’m Powerless Over 20 There Has To Be More Than This 23 Share Space Finally, I Choose Me 24 Facing My Fears 33

1 Issue #144 theJournal

The Conference Journal Committee, a service body within Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, publishes the Journal for the good of the international S.L.A.A. membership. Oversight and policy is provided in accordance with the Ninth Tradition.

Stories, interviews, personal testimony, and other content contained herein are authored by members of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. The opinions expressed in the Journal are not necessarily the opinions of The Augustine Fellow- ship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc., F.W.S. office, Annual Business Conference or any other Conference committee including the Conference Journal Committee or the Journal production staff. Motions adopted at the 1989, 1990, and 1991 Conferences chartered the Journal, but it is impractical for all of the content of a periodical such as the Journal to be Confer- ence-approved. Each recovery group can determine its own position on the use of content from the Journal at its meetings.

The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. 1550 NE Loop 410, Suite 118 San Antonio, TX 78209

1-210-828-7900 Tuesday-Friday 9:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. CT except for holidays

(fax) 1-210-828-7922. www.slaafws.org

For subscription concerns, please visit: http://www.slaafws.org/subscriptionhelp

Managing Editor Lisa C. Outreach Director Stirling Art Director Fiona Editorial Assistant Tom B. Proofreaders for this issue Rita H. Jill W.

2 theJournal Issue #144

Letter from the Editor

Dear Reader: Trusted websites say that there is much debate among mental health professionals about whether sex addiction is real. Sex addiction won’t be in the fifth edition of the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders,” which is used to diagnose mental disorders. (But they just added binge-eating disorder as an official diagnosis, so maybe they will consider sex addiction next time.) It took 150 years for alcoholism to be recognized as a disease (from the time medical professionals called it a disease in 1804 to the Ameri- can Medical Society officially declaring alcoholism an addiction in 1956). But those of us who have experienced sex and love addiction know at the core of our being that it’s real. Some of us have to experience horrible pain before we realize it and others just believe. We have some really great stories in this issue about the moment that some S.L.A.A. members realized that this truly is an addiction and that they have the disease. Hopefully society and the medical profession can catch up soon! When I came in to S.L.A.A., I believed in sex addiction but wasn’t so sure it was my problem. When I finally got in enough suicidal pain, I realized that I definitely was a sex addict. But love addiction was more difficult to believe in. When I was hit over the head with the hammer of love addiction though, I woke up and finally found relief from my disease. Like they say in A.A.: “I came to meetings, then I came to, then I came to believe.” I will always be grateful to S.L.A.A. for helping me realize sex and love addiction is real, for giving me a place to go where I am understood, and for helping me stay out of the disease one day at a time. Lisa C., Managing Editor, the Journal

Correction: Issue #143 published a flyer about the Greater Delaware Valley Intergroup Inspirational line but left off the phone number. It is reprinted in this issue on page 36. The editor regrets the error.

3 Issue #144 theJournal

First Things First Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Preamble Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is a Twelve Step, Twelve Tradition-oriented fellowship based on the model pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous.

The only qualification for S.L.A.A. membership is a desire to stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction. S.L.A.A. is supported entirely through contributions of its membership, and is free to all who need it.

To counter the destructive consequences of sex and love addiction we draw on five major resources:

1. Sobriety. Our willingness to stop acting out in our own personal bottom-line addictive behavior on a daily basis.

2. Sponsorship/Meetings. Our capacity to reach out for the supportive fellowship within S.L.A.A.

3. Steps. Our practice of the Twelve Step program of recovery to achieve sexual and emotional sobriety.

4. Service. Our giving back to the S.L.A.A. community what we continue to freely receive.

5. Spirituality. Our developing a relationship with a Power greater than ourselves, which can guide and sustain us in recovery.

As a fellowship S.L.A.A. has no opinion on outside issues and seeks no controversy. S.L.A.A. is not affiliated with any other organizations, movements, or causes, ei- ther religious or secular.

We are, however, united in a common focus: dealing with our addictive sexual and emotional behavior. We find a common denominator in our obsessive/compulsive patterns, which transcends any personal differences of sexual orientation or gen- der identity.

We need protect with special care the anonymity of every S.L.A.A. member. Addi- tionally we try to avoid drawing undue attention to S.L.A.A. as a whole from the public media.

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1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a Power greater than ourselves, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to sex and love addicts, and to practice these principles in all areas of our lives.

* ©1985 The Augustine Fellowship, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, Fellowship-Wide Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved. The Twelve Steps are reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. Permission to reprint and adapt the Twelve Steps does not mean that A.A. is affiliated with this program. A.A. is a program of recovery from alcoholism only. Use of the Twelve Steps in connection with programs and activities, which are patterned after A.A., but which address other problems, does not imply otherwise. THE TWELVE STEPS OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

5 Issue #144 theJournal

Question of the Day The Question of the Day from & Answers from Yesterday the last issue was, “How did you become aware that sex and love addiction was real?” Here are some wonderful responses for your enjoyment. They are not presented in any particular order. The next two questions are: Issue #145 — Ad- diction in the Age of Technology — “How has technology affected your addict behaviors?” — The deadline for submissions is 9/15/13; and Is- sue #146 — After Sober Dating: Not Losing Yourself in the Relationship — “Have you ever felt like turning a healthy relationship into a closed/ enmeshed relationship? What tools did you use to stay healthy?” The deadline for submissions is 11/15/13. Please send answers to www.slaafws.org.

“HOW DID YOU BECOME AWARE THAT SEX AND LOVE ADDICTION WAS REAL?”

My therapist told me about I became aware it was real on S.L.A.A. and I thought she was the night that I had a lovely din- crazy! I think she not only ner with my wife before a Mon- wanted me to get to a meet- day meeting, and as she drove ing...but to run as fast as I off for home I realized I could could! I was in such disbelief scoot back to the office in my car that I did an internet search and get in at least 7 minutes on on the term and was able to the internet adult chat room be- read a lot about the subject. I fore having to report to the related so much and it eventu- meeting. ally led me into the online —RAY,SACRAMENTO room, then months later to phone meetings and face to face meetings. I’m grateful that the chaos that almost led I became aware that sex and me to suicide actually drove love addiction was a legit addic- me into this recovery room! It tion when my first A.A. sponsor has changed my life.....for the suggested I seek help from the better! S.L.A.A. program. —LISA, TX —JAX,LONG BEACH, CA

6 theJournal Issue #144 QUESTION OF THE DAY

I thought I was an alco- I was in a relationship for a holic who got myself into few years with the man of my trouble with men when I dreams, and I found myself was drinking. After I quit intriguing uncontrollably. I drinking my desire to act knew the risks and I could not out did not go away. That is stop. The fact that I knew my when I realized that alcohol partner was by far my chosen was not my primary addic- partner whom I loved, appreci- tion. ated, and wanted made the disease glaring. I knew it was an — D., DALLAS, TX addiction and not just a question of choice. My partner was my choice and a tormenting fantasy was a compulsion I After my first relationship could not change on my own ended in a blaze of glory, I power. Recovery restores me to made a promise to myself to choice: The greatest gift. never commit, never be at- — ANONYMOUS tached to another person, to “be a free spirit,” which quickly turned into a constant pursuit of one night stands About nine years after a friend with secret expectations they labeled me a sex addict, which I would turn into a relation- poo-pooed, I was in rehab and it ship. By about a year later, I dawned on me that I had a prob- knew that I was “S.L.A.A.-ed” lem. It was later driven home in a out and needed help. Step study. —REBECCA K.P., HOUSTON, TX —JIM B., DALLAS,TX

It became apparent to me that sex and love addiction was real when I realized that I was willing to continue in my acting out behavior even though I was about to lose the one relationship that meant the most to me. —GORDY B., DALLAS, TX

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“HOW DID YOU BECOME AWARE THAT SEX AND LOVE ADDICTION WAS REAL?”

I was always aware, on some I never thought it wasn’t real. level. Throughout my life, I’d I knew the relationships I was referred to myself as a “passion having with people were toxic. junkie, one-week wonder,” and They were more harmful than other such endearing terms to narcotics. label my (un)certain dis-ease. I I saw that other people didn’t was grateful to finally learn that have the same problems. One a group of me actually existed. day, after an awful incident with —MADELINE,LOS ANGELES a man I could not break up with, I found myself wondering if it were possible to be addicted to a person. I did some internet research and was introduced to My symptoms of emotional the terms “codependence” and ups and downs, with the pres- “love addiction.” ence and absence of my quali- I found my way to a meeting fier, lead me to believe that I and when I heard the have an addiction. He calls and “Characteristics of Sex and Love says he is coming over. I slip Addiction” read in the from low energy into high over- preamble, I heard a concise drive. He is here and I am so description of my relationship happy and grateful for his pres- history and my way of thinking. ence and hang on every word. I felt an immediate sense of He leaves and I am fallen in relief. mood and spirit with a sadness For years I had struggled to so profound! Then oddly I en- “be like everyone else” but I counter an email regarding ad- couldn’t. I thought I was just a diction. freak and I was doomed to live a I share my immediate experi- horrible life. When I heard that ence of painful withdrawal and list and realized there was a as I feel my spirit’s center, I am name for my affliction, I knew grateful for a program that rec- that in the diagnosis there was ognizes this suffering. hope. My problem had a name Thank you for this tool and and therefore could be treated. I many others that are helpful in found hope. Today, five years my recovery. later, I am indeed living a new, —WENDY S. positive, unfolding life. — T., TUCSON

8 theJournal Issue #144 QUESTION OF THE DAY

The pain caused by my I wanted to return to two fantasies was huge. When the possible men who had given bubble popped, the pain of me an STD. When they reality was great. rejected me, I began to search —EVEY,TUCSON, AZ for new relationships. —TONI,TUCSON, AZ

I stayed with partners that I It clobbered me in the head! did not love, for sex. I also fell —ROGER,TUCSON in love with a man before actually getting to know him. —MELISSA,TUCSON, AZ I needed to stop/prevent abusive relationships in my life yet I was surrounded with I developed a pattern that I abusive people because that could not control. was what was comfortable for —PAMELA,TUCSON me because of my past and my relationships in my childhood. I could NOT stop Yet another relationship ended. on my own. —GITA,TUCSON —KATHY,TUCSON

I realized addiction was real when I read a book about love I read two personal accounts addiction that was written by a (in a magazine) from two mental health professional, and celebrities about their it told the story of every experience with sex and love relationship I’ve ever had and addiction. everything I was ever taught —RASHAD,TUCSON about relationships all the way back to childhood! —MADDY,TUCSON My girlfriend read every email, for 8 hours, that I sent to I realized it was real when I women during our relationship. went through physical withdrawal The scope of my powerlessness because I could not act out. became evident. —ELIZABETH,TUCSON, AZ —JARED F., LOS ANGELES

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Acting Out Was A Full Time Job

hat? Sex and love addiction is real? Okay, W bad joke. I tend to joke when I’m nervous, which is what I am right now writing this article. Sex and love addiction is real folks. Trust me, it’s very real. But before I explain how I became aware of its existence, let me give you a brief glimpse into my pre- program life. Buckle up my fellow S.L.A.A. peeps, it’s a bumpy road. Women, women, women. All day long women. Women in the morning, women at night, women during the day at work, women helped me feel alright. Yes, I was going for a rhyme there. I hated my life. Scratch that. My life was empty. I was alone and didn’t like myself — didn’t like the man I saw day at work just to feel right. Yes, in the mirror one bit. My head more rhymes. Hopefully you get told me I was a loser. Ugly. Stu- my point. I was an addict and pid. Worthless. A nobody. All of didn’t know it. Honestly, I didn’t these thoughts equaled pain and a see anything wrong with my be- lot of it. Pain equaled the need to havior. “numb” out. Acting out as we call it was a And numb out I did. Numbed full time job and I was good at it. out with porn, massage parlors, Each day I’d wake up and cast hookers, swingers, and phone out as many lines as I could — chat lines to name a few. literally trolling the web for a Numbed out in the morning and bite. numbed out at night. I even I was praying that someone numbed out in the middle of the would like me — praying that

10 theJournal Issue #144 someone would want to meet me, all be it, into the idea that sex and more specifically be with me. and love addiction was real. My head, which we’ve established I was drawn to one site in par- is a dangerous neighborhood, told ticular — S.L.A.A. — Sex and me that without the validation of Love Addicts Anonymous. a woman I’d die. Gotta love those 40 questions. Did I see this as an addiction? I read and related to each and Heck no. I just thought it was nor- every one of them. Yikes. Sitting mal. Onward with the acting out! there in shock and very uncom- So I kept at it day in and day out fortable, I quickly logged off the for 13 years. It was my life’s work site and went looking for a hit — my thesis — my holy grail — my online. I need a woman’s valida- addiction?? tion — not a cure to my so called Something interesting hap- problem. Self-powered cure, pened— a shift if you will. The here I come! highs from acting out started to Yuck, more pain. So I revis- pale in comparison to the lows I ited the S.L.A.A. website a couple felt afterwards. of days later. This time, I read I’d feel dirty. Cheap. Used. Dis- the characteristics of sex and gusting. Yet I kept acting out. I love addiction. Are you kidding kept searching for more highs fol- me? lowed by deeper lows. I couldn’t I was all of them. How did stop. I think I was starting to want this happen? Am I really an ad- to stop, yet I couldn’t. dict? Is someone messing with One girl a day turned into two me? I decided it was time to and then three. Tested before check out a meeting. each one of them for STD’s? It was a Wednesday night Nope. And on and on it went each newcomer meeting and I sat in time with deeper and deeper lows. the far back corner of the room Help came from an alcoholic. — watching, listening, picking up “Dude you’re a sex addict,” he told on everything around me. me. Pardon me? I felt like a child among men “I know an addict when I see and women. More importantly one,” he said. Me, an addict? No though, I heard, both through chance. Yet my gut knew it to be struggles and recovery, my story. true. I looked online for sex and Perhaps just a little bit from each love addiction and was shocked at person, but from each person I what I found. Tons of informa- could relate. tion. Probably right then and If they were sex and love ad- there was my first glimpse, minor dicts, then perhaps I was one,

11 Issue #144 theJournal too. My shirt was drenched in to say I belong. I’d have to say sweat. Shame. That happens that’s when I knew sex and love when I feel shame. Yep. I’d have addiction was real. —ZACHARY,LOS ANGELES

Sex And Love Addiction Might Be Real, If...

veryone in our group and you honestly can’t answer laughed when I read this because you know better, sex Equestion. It’s obvious, and love addiction might be real. isn’t it? Yet this is the very question my addictive self would 3. If you have a running list love for me to “get into my head” that you are actively maintaining and focus in on the theory. It is of who you are going to marry as if my addict is telling me when your spouse dies and you “before you get started, you need already are planning the to thoroughly research this, honeymoon with the top person, being very objective and sex and love addiction might be scientific, of course.” real. Meanwhile, I am destroying 4. If there is a news story or my life while debating whether documentary about prostitution the carnage around me is “real.” or porn stars and you feel it is But, if I need to know for your civic duty to stay up to sure, here are some helpful watch this so you may “keep reminders from my life: abreast of current events,” sex 1. If you choose to stay in a big and love addiction might be real. city while the dog is being 5. If you feel a moral obligation trimmed because you don’t want to visit an adult book store or to spend ten bucks for gas to massage parlor because you drive home but then you spent visited another one in the city two hundred bucks on a and it is only fair that both get prostitute, sex and love addiction equal revenue, sex and love might be real. addiction might be real. If, when asked by a doctor 2. 6. If you ever ran from a trailer working for the county, “why and drove away down the alley didn’t you use protection when expecting you might get shot having sex in the back of a car?”

12 theJournal Issue #144 because the girl’s boyfriend came redhead, Asian, Hispanic, home unexpectedly, sex and love African-American, etc.) and you addiction might be real. feel dissatisfied and you suddenly realize that what you If you know your STD or HIV 7. really need is to have sex with status for only up to a month or (choose: blond, brunette, two because you do things so redhead, Asian, Hispanic, often that require you to retake African-American, etc.), sex and the test, sex and love addiction love addiction might be real. might be real. 10. If the only time in your life If you ever turned off the 8. you don’t feel “less than” is when safe search feature and typed in someone else is pursuing you or innocuous words hoping that it giving themselves to you or would “accidently” bring up having sex with you, sex and love porn, sex and love addiction addiction might be real. might be real. I could go on, but make your 9. If after having sex with own list. (choose: blond, brunette, —DAVID,BOONE,NC the Journal themes and deadlines for 2013

Issue Theme Question Of The Day Submission # (QOD) deadline (articles and QOD) #145 Addiction in the Age “How has technology affected Sept. 15, 2013 of Technology your addict behaviors?”

#146 After Sober Dating: “Have you ever felt like Nov. 15, 2013 Not Losing Yourself in turning a healthy relationship the Relationship into a closed/enmeshed relationship? What tools did you use to stay healthy?”

#147 Fantasy versus Reality “Do you find it difficult to live Jan. 15, 2014 in/see reality? What helps you stay out of Fantasyland?”

Submit your writing at www.slaafws.org 13 Issue #144 theJournal

How I Know Sex and Love Addiction is Real

o ask my addict brain if it sire to die. can define itself is an im- Suicidal ideation resulted in a Tpossible task. But that stay at the local psychiatric hos- does not mean that I think sex pital and then a month-long and love addiction isn’t part of treatment for depression and reality. It only means I must rely anxiety. Only in the last week of on outside proof that this condi- my inpatient work did I see a tion has run my life without my specialized therapist for a sexual knowledge for the past 34 years. compulsivity consult. I still re- In my, comparatively, very member the shame that burned short time in recovery it is obvi- my face as I read my schedule for ous to me that I have a real, the week, seeing this consult that painful disease called sex and no one else at the treatment cen- love addiction. ter mentioned as part of his or Three and a half months ago her regimen of recovery. my relationship with my quali- The therapist recommended fier ended. I thought my life as part of after care that I attend ended at the same time. The pain S.L.A.A. meetings. CODA was was unbearable. I could find no good, but I really needed to other solution than to take my make it to a meeting of sex and life. love addicts. Even at that time, it I tried the common recovery had not sunk in that my every things – seeing my therapist, thought and action was run by acts of self-care, journaling, this addiction. I attended my reading recovery books, activi- first S.L.A.A. meeting — which ties I previously enjoyed, etc. I just so happened to focus on learned all of these tools in re- withdrawal. I was suffering covery from codependency. through the intense symptoms of However, little did I know that withdrawal, barely able to my recovery had only scratched breathe or make eye contact and the surface of my deep-seated heard the characteristics of a sex disease of a complete life- and love addict. I thought, strategy and obsession of sex and “Wow, I am home.” emotional dependency. The shares of my fellows that Anything I did had no posi- night only reinforced that I had tive effect on the suicidal finally found a group of people thoughts. Any reminders of my who think just the same as me. I qualifier only intensified the de- found myself nodding in famili-

14 theJournal Issue #144 arity with share after share, and the only peace I could find would I knew to my core that I was be through a God of my under- home. It was a feeling I had standing. I had previously never never known before. In the connected to this source, but meetings I attended, the through days and weeks of endless S.L.A.A. text I read, and conver- praying, often as simple as repeat- sations with fellows and my ing, “Please God restore me to san- sponsor, I found an explanation ity,” hundreds of times an hour in that resonated in my heart for an attempt to save myself from my every crazy thought and action addict brain, I finally felt the con- I’ve ever had. nection to my Higher Power which A new understanding was brought with it such peace and revealed to me about each failed, love that I had never known. toxic relationship and sexual A couple months later, as I re- liaison I could and could not re- flect back on this experience, still member. And most importantly, feeling the effects of withdrawal, I I had a reference for each self- wish that peace and love from my destructive and obsessive Higher Power could be summoned thought and action that perme- upon demand. The clinical major ated my being. I was deep in the depression is still heavy as I do my throes of withdrawal, but at least best to reintegrate into my life, but I had a guide provided by the I do find moments of peace and countless others who had gone serenity at my daily S.L.A.A. meet- before me. ing. Sex and love addiction is a real Support was given to me at disease that I struggle with every turn as I shared my misery whether awake or asleep. It perme- and pain with my fellows at each ates radio, television, and movies, S.L.A.A. meeting. The commu- so the reminders of my obsession nity and fellowship alone could are hard to avoid. be proof that sex and love addic- I used this addiction to self- tion is real. I had never felt medicate the depression, and something more real than the therefore I now have two demons belonging I felt in the Augustine to battle that feed off each other, Fellowship — strangers reaching both wanting to kill me. I know out to support someone they this is real because it is my life. As had never met before but identi- hopeless as it feels, my Higher fied in the same disease. Power continues to give me mes- However, there was a greater sages that it will get better. I won’t proof of this addiction. The give up before the miracle hap- Steps’ suggestion of connecting pens. to a Higher Power convinced me —AMANDA

15 Issue #144 theJournal

Addiction Deeply Damaged My Soul

am learning that sex and love S.L.A.A. shortly before my last addiction is real on a daily bottom in 2009. Ibasis. I came to “S” programs That first exposure to “S” re- in 2001, and eventually found covery pierced the darkness and

16 theJournal Issue #144 was the first shock to my system. dem with pornography and ob- It made me realize that the jectifying women. progression of the disease had Once crossing this threshold, taken me into frighteningly ad- it is not a far leap for me to start dictive territory. I compromised paying for things and using oth- my values in ways that I never ers, which to me are the most thought I would, and placed my addictive, unmanageable, and health at risk and deeply dam- emotionally scarring acting out aged my soul. behaviors. I was like a deer in the head- However with 42 months off lights when I saw my history in bottom lines, it still sneaks up on such stark relief. In those early me that I am still a sex and love years, I tried to stay sober and addict. had up and I’ll find myself down results. taking double Half of the There is power in claiming looks in public time I was try- and objectifying ing to stay sober powerlessness and there is women; I’ll linger on my own ef- power in rejecting the old on sexual fanta- forts, and the lifestyle one day at a time. sies of the past or other half of the think of what I time was will- might do if I were fully acting out to go back to deep in my farthest bottom line behav- bottom-line addictive behavior. iors. These are serious middle line I had not yet gained what I areas for me. When I am faced have heard called “the gift of des- with them, I pray very specifi- peration,” that ultimate crushing cally to my Higher Power that I of the spirit that causes one to need him to take them away be- lose all hope in their previous way cause once the arousal has cre- of life and leads one to cling to ated an emotional hit, I am pow- the lifesaver of recovery with the erless over them. tenacity of a drowning soul. Yes, I became aware every day Today I have 42 months sober that I am a sex and love addict, from call girls, prostitutes, strip- but there is power in claiming pers, pornography, and mastur- powerlessness and there is bation. On a side note — I can not power in rejecting the old life- engage in masturbation since I style one day at a time. always used it in the past in tan- — D.B.

17 Issue #144 theJournal

Addiction Is Definitely Real

Photo by James E. don’t know if ever I thought it’s just that the substance is sex that sex addiction was not and love. Ireal. I don’t know if I ever Ultimately, in my recovery, I really thought about it. I knew it discovered the disease was not was real for me when a prostitute real. Referring to the old and a therapist told me I might be acronym F.E.A.R. (False an addict and I sort of knew Evidence Appearing Real) — self already. But then I began a -centered fear is at the root of my concerted effort to stop on my dis-ease. own. I put all my effort into it. This is sort of a paradox. The closest I got was switching Addiction is real for me because addictions to legitimate massage. I am an addict. When I pull apart But then the frequency my 4th Step, I see that all the increased. What was once fears driving the addiction are weekends became multiple times not real. It is my believing in during the week, and driving over them that make them real. In my forty miles one way to get there. disease I end up taking the Addiction is real. action that proves the disease to It exists. Addiction to sex and be real. I act out and reprove the love is like any other addiction, belief about myself that I am

18 theJournal Issue #144 broken, and then the cycle uncomfortable truth by doing begins again. the actions of the program, The same is true for my working the 12 Steps and being Higher Power. If I believe in the of service, imperfectly — one God of my understanding, He is more day. I do not truly real for me. If I do not believe, understand the addiction. Of He is not there for me and the course, I truly do not understand disease fills the void. Today I the solution. And maybe trying simply choose to believe in a to understand something I am power greater than myself and as not capable of understanding is I do I cease to believe the lies. part of the problem. And I am living in the sometimes —JOHN B

my most outrageous behaviors. A Slip Is A Slip After this moment of acting out, all worthless ten minutes of know that Sex Addiction is it, I was consumed with guilt and real because I just had a slip fear. I told the people I knew I Iafter my longest period of had to tell, and was loved and sobriety of three and a half years. counseled to get back on the I slipped on a small time bottom horse and take it easy on myself. line, but in working a truly honest In a way, the very fact that program, a slip is a slip. I didn’t people were telling me “the see a prostitute, I didn’t spend a solution” made it clear that there night in a strip bar. But I did find does exist a problem, and that myself seeking out arousing “less- problem is called sex and love than-pornographic” images on my addiction. smart phone, and wound up Today, on day six of sobriety, masturbating. I can see how this slip has been The addiction took me places I positive in a way. I didn’t hide didn’t want to go; my hand and continue acting out, when in trembled uncontrollably as I the past I would have hid. I saw flipped through the pictures. that with three and a half years I was fully aware that this of sobriety I was not bullet proof. constituted relapse, but I have had the affirming compulsively, I continued down support of others; I have also this dark path that is a gateway to had the opportunity to feel that

19 Issue #144 theJournal this is still difficult for me to that I have been struggling with receive. I have the opportunity to for more than four months. And engage in Step Eleven more to maybe I’ll have greater gratitude increase my conscious contact and surrender and see things as with my Higher Power, a Step one day at a time. —ANONYMOUS,CALIFORNIA

No Longer A Vague Idea Of What I’m Powerless Over

can’t pinpoint one moment when I realized sex and love Iaddiction was real because I don’t believe it happened in one instance. For me, the addiction’s realness shares itself with me in phases, a continual reminder presented to me to ensure my familiarity with its realness. It occurs just as often as the ocean waves meet the shore. One of my first moments of seeing that the addiction is real came from hitting my bottom and sitting in my first meeting. Every person in the meeting looked characteristics and the shares it quite normal... I am not sure what seemed undeniable to me that my I expected to see. life was in bondage to something Perhaps ex-pimps and former very, very real indeed. porn stars? Whatever I imagined, People shared things about it wasn’t that. Sitting in a room their lives that rang true of mine with these “normal” looking as well but they were things I people, I listened as best I could would never dream of saying out once the meeting commenced. loud, especially to a group! They After hearing the reading of the shared without abandon, and,

20 theJournal Issue #144 from what I could pick up on, this phase of my recovery as without shame. Furthermore, “finding the basement of rock they shared that program is what bottom.” brought them to their acceptance During the relationship I of their addiction and this freed continued to work with my them to share about their sponsor, went to meetings, and struggle. If each person in the utilized the tools of program. room experienced the dark, Through that relationship I saw unspeakable things that made up first hand, in real time, the my life, I had to believe I was not powerlessness I had. alone and what we (what I) faced I had a growing awareness that was a true reality – addiction I couldn’t NOT act out... I couldn’t itself. NOT answer the phone when he There were multiple layers to called... I couldn’t NOT see him. I grasping the concept of the would go to a meeting, hear realness of my addiction. One of shares about the toxic nature of these layers was sheer exposure to addictive relationships, and then the language used in the rooms experience the toxicity of my own and literature. I mean, the relationship later that night language expressed my nearly word for word. Drinking to experience precisely. I had to numb my pain while in his believe that if there was a term for presence, calling fellows sobbing it, I was not unique in at 2am after discovering he was experiencing it. I no longer had acting out outside of the the luxury of living with a vague relationship with multiple women idea of what I was powerless over; yet again, and still not being able it was there in front of me, in to leave. That was my reality, my black and white, clear as day. This reminder. While that relationship awareness left me with feelings of ended with a great deal of pain, I relief and terror. I finally know could not have had a better lesson what this pain is... but how will I in reinstating that my addiction ever find a way out? was real. One of the most devastating After that, the addiction’s yet greatest gifts of realization reality came to me when full- was a toxic relationship I got into fledged withdrawal hit. The big after being in program for two book talks about the anguish and months. I was not done acting out pain of withdrawal and expresses at that point and dated a man on the experience to a T. If addiction and off over the course of six wasn’t real then why was my months. I affectionately refer to physical, emotional, and

21 Issue #144 theJournal psychological response so I think that’s the beauty of why intense? In my outreach calls to people identify themselves as others I was told time and time addicts in meetings regardless of again, “If you’re in pain and their sobriety time. I’ve never discomfort it means that recovery heard someone say, “I’m so-and- is working and you’re doing it so and I used to be a sex and love right. The only way past is addict but now I just come to through.” these meetings for fun.” I was reminded of the No. Each person who has promises of our program, which struggled through the relentless are also real, when I came out of fight and eventual acceptance of withdrawal and experienced relief their addiction identifies. No true and hope. The obsession had addict is above his or her lifted and I was able to look back addiction. We have all come to see and see the insanity and the mind-altering nature, the unmanageability of my past. realness, of sex and love While the “white-knuckling” addiction. aspect of my addiction isn’t The story doesn’t end with something I commonly sitting in that reality, though. experience anymore, I am under There is hope, beauty, and no notion that I am cured. I still renewal on the other side of all struggle with triggers, addictive the awareness that releases us wants, and fantasy. The reality of into being the best possible addiction is in my conscious versions of ourselves. awareness now, which is why I —SARAH,LOS ANGELES still identify at meetings.

Enhance your recovery by allowing others to get the same benefit that you get from reading the Journal. It is a great way to carry S.L.A.A.’s message of hope and practice the Twelfth Step. The fellowship needs volunteers of all skills and levels of availability. Become a Journal Representative for your intergroup or home group, encourag- ing the use of the Journal as a source of topics, letting people know that there are Journals for sale, and ensuring that plenty of Journal subscription cards are always on the literature table. Contact info: http://www.slaafws.org/contact/jeditor

22 theJournal Issue #144

There Has To Be More Than This

first became aware of sex and love addiction because the Ipain I was experiencing at the time was such that I felt like “there has to be more to life than this.” I found S.L.A.A. through an internet search. Years later, after going to another program, my sponsor in that program suggested I go to S.L.A.A. I broke down in tears, thinking, “you mean...there’s really something wrong with me?” meetings. Underneath that fear, Sounds dramatic, but it felt was willingness and surrender. like a big deal at the time. As I I only needed a nudge from a continue to go to S.L.A.A. trusted servant in my other meetings, and talk to people, sex program to uncover the and love addiction slowly willingness, discover, surrender, becomes more and more real and and discard my fear. And now I less and less like a big, scary continue on this fact-finding and monster. fact-facing process, discovering My friend, who also goes to the twists and turns in my another program, told me when I thinking that have patterned and first started my journey in conditioned my sex and love S.L.A.A., “this stuff is real.” Now, addiction. S.L.A.A. seems like more of a well Through meditation, I get to go -kept secret that helps so many within and be present for my people be free from their thoughts without trying to fix or addictive patterns of sex and love hide or contain them, but simply behaviors. I’m so grateful my letting them be, and then I can Higher Power brought me back to talk to my fellows about my S.L.A.A. because even though the thinking and ideas instead of initial pain was real enough for acting on them or becoming a me to discover S.L.A.A., the fear slave to my emotions. held me back from going to —ANONYMOUS

23 Issue #144 theJournal

Finally, I Choose Me

am the oldest child of a between two abused adults, dysfunctional family, the practically children themselves Iproduct of an unhappy union when they married. My father was

24 theJournal Issue #144 born to an alcoholic father and about his lot in life and I was his mother who had 12 children. As favorite captive audience. a young man, he dropped out of Maybe it was because he knew high school to join the Army. that I still adored him, longing My father dabbled in for the fantasty father he once marijuana and other drugs, and represented. From the age of eventually became an alcoholic, eight, I was forced to sit at the himself. My mother endured her dining room table for hours at a own difficult childhood, as the time, listening to my father curse single adopted child of and complain about everything alcoholics. So, it seems my and everyone, including my parents were drawn together by mother. their shared misery. When I appeared inattentive Ah, yes, the first man I ever for any reason, he threatened to loved and fell in love with was hurt me or resorted to calling me my father. But he was also the names and belittling me. Out of first man to break my heart. No fear, my mother never one was more handsome than intervened. my daddy; no one was as smart, Instead, I was left to face my funny or resourceful. father alone and I walled myself And no one could cook like off in an attempt to protect my him. He even knew how to sew! young, impressionable mind and But my father was away from my fragile ego. Mentally, I home for months at a stretch. By travelled to distant places and the time he returned to civilian moments in time where I felt life, I was seven years old and safe and happy. Everybody loved completely enamored with him. me and I was accepted just as I However, the daddy of my was. I created my own fantasy dreams was left behind. The man world because the one I who came back to us was angry, inhabited was too painful to morose and volatile. To deal with bear. the pressures of life, my father The real world was filled with turned to alcohol every day. chaos, strife, terror and utter His after-work routine loneliness. I never felt like I consisted of buying a few large belonged to my family at all. I bottles of beer and spending the often imagined that I had been rest of the night drinking them. separated from my real family — In the meantime, he ranted my perfect family — and they

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were out there waiting for me. made me feel like I was finally Ironically, thanks to my part of something, with no mother, no one could have criticism, rejection or guessed our existence was so condemnation of any kind. hellish. My sister and I attended As I entered my teenage mass regularly and participated years, I discovered another way in other activities in and out of to fill the emotional void that I school. We were altar servers, we felt and also a way to perpetuate sang in the choir and we were my fantasies. My first romantic girl scouts. relationship initiated a lifelong To everyone who knew us, we cycle of obsessive love affairs, seemed to be a normal family. followed by periods of unbridled But that was never the truth. I promiscuity. I was almost 15 hated myself for taking part in when I met my first boyfriend at the lie, for smiling when I felt a summer camp. like crying, and for pretending He seemed shy, awkward, and everything was alright. I was a bit withdrawn. I sought him helpless and hopeless. I couldn’t out and introduced myself after reach out to anyone — not my learning from another camper extended family, my priest, my that he was interested in me. teachers or my friends — Yes, he was, and so began an on- because I was afraid that my and-off relationship that lasted parents, especially my father, for eight years. would find out. I wrote him love letters every Meanwhile, my self-loathing day, drafted a dating contract for manifested itself in intrusive, him, and practiced hyphenating negative thoughts and ritualistic my last name with his. I masturbation. The pay-off for fantasized about us getting my behavior was two-fold: I married, having children and used it to both soothe and growing old together. punish myself. I could turn to Over time, I would discover masturbation any time I felt that the boy who inhabited my unloved, neglected, lonely, romantic dreams really wasn’t frustrated, sad or angry. him. The young man I was I even concocted a fictitious dating criticized my looks, my organization in my mind that intelligence, my family and my required me only to masturbate friends. He didn’t like what I to maintain my membership. It said to others when he was in

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earshot and he would critique my engaged in casual sex with performance at the earliest numerous men, sometimes opportunity. And he took unprotected. I didn’t advantage of everything I had to discriminate and I didn’t insist give, including my money, my on using condoms or other work and my time. contraceptives. Looking back, I felt pity for my In the summer after my boyfriend because he was two freshman year, I was attacked grades behind me. His stepfather and beaten by a sex partner was an alcoholic and I during an argument, and I empathized with him. I wanted to landed in the hospital for a few rescue him with my love, to days with mono. Later, I had to bolster his confidence and self- testify against him in court, after esteem. I needed to feel needed. receiving anonymous threats for Despite my friends’ and six months, and it was family’s protests, we dated until I humiliating. left for graduate school. Before His defense attorney labeled that, no matter how many times I me “the campus whore” and strayed from the relationship, I tried to assert that I provoked felt compelled to go back to him. the violence. But I had cultivated Surprisingly, my first sexual a bad reputation at school, experience was at age 17 with a though, and I made few friends boy I barely knew. The encounter because of it. I couldn’t even join left me feeling confused and a sorority. shameful about my sexuality, Yet, in spite of the drama, I reaffirming the messages my still maintained my double life. I parents — namely, my father — excelled in my studies, held onto had given me about sex as I my scholarships and participated entered puberty. in extracurricular activities like Sex was a dirty thing that student judiciary and senior could only bring me disease and class council. I graduated with a unwanted pregnancy. There was solid GPA, earning both my nothing good about it. The only bachelor’s and master’s degrees thing that mattered was holding by the time I was 23. on to my virginity and it was As a grad student, I met my gone. I was nothing and nobody second serious boyfriend. He special anymore. was completing his MBA after a During my college years, I four-year stint in the Army and

27 Issue #144 theJournal

though it wasn’t love at first because I didn’t really develop sight, he grew on me. any friendships or other supports A born-again Christian and when I moved to Maryland after admitted sex addict, he was grad school. My ex was my adamant about staying celibate connection to the people I had until marriage. But, in Jamaica met. They were really his family, on vacation, we had sex for the his friends and his associates — first time and that was the end of not mine. And I hadn’t joined an his ideals. organization or participated in Our three and a half-year any ongoing activities. relationship was Unconsciously, I an intense one. We What started with a had abandoned my fought constantly goals of defining and then we made heated exchange of my own identity up passionately. words often ended with and creating my But somewhere verbal assaults and own life as a young along the way, we adult in a new began to fight physical abuse. place. more than we Facing this reality made up, and what started with alone for the first time, I resumed a heated exchange of words often my pattern of having sex with ended with verbal assaults and almost any man who showed physical abuse. I threw things at interest and suited my tastes at him, he put me out of his car. I the time. slapped him, and he dragged me This included a guy in my down a flight of stairs. That last workplace, a pot-smoking older episode led to our final breakup Ph.D. student and a middle-aged over 10 years ago. We had parted married man with two children. once before, but sex led us back In particular, the short-lived to each other. extramarital affair that I engaged After that relationship ended, in carried some serious risks. I travelled back onto the It distracted me from my work promiscuous path. I was responsibilities, as my married suffering from the loss of a lover worked in the same boyfriend whom I thought would building. be my husband; I no longer had I would spend hours away my bearings. from my desk, sneaking down to I suddenly felt disoriented his office or driving out to a

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public place with him. I also left returns, helping him pay all the work early some days to interest, fines and penalties, and rendezvous with him at my getting the judgment removed so apartment. If my supervisor he could get auto insurance. I also had noticed, I surely would helped my husband repair his have been disciplined or fired. credit rating and get a promotion Coincidentally, I met my at work. first husband while I was in the For the first few years, I reveled midst of my sophomore foray in being my husband’s savior. He into the world of sex without called me his angel and lavished conscience, responsibility or me with gratitude and commitment. I needed to appreciation. escape that world, and another But as our marriage progressed, monogamous relationship I saw him as a burden and I provided the perfect pushed him to assume more of a opportunity. leadership role in our home. And Twelve years older than me, he started to resent me for making he was coming out of a 13-year demands on him. When we first relationship. And he was also a met, I didn’t set any expectations. child of divorce and had an My husband-to-be was yet another alcoholic mother. My parents fascinating project for me, divorced when I was 21, so I someone I could mold into what I was no stranger to it and of wanted. course, we thought our In return, I received loyalty, marriage would be different marital status and the prospect of than the relationship our children. Now I was asking him to parents had. Ours probably fulfill my fantasies, to be what he was, but it still dissolved. wasn’t. And that was a strong, We married after dating for successful and confident man. The two years and again, I became man I married — my real husband obsessed with the need to feel — was an alcoholic who suffered needed. He brought to our from chronic depression and low marriage 12 years of unfiled tax self-esteem. returns, bad credit and a After five and a half years, our judgment for auto insurance marriage ended in divorce, fraud. heartbreak and despair for both of I came to his rescue, paying us. So, feeling abandoned, an accountant to file the disillusioned and severely

29 Issue #144 theJournal disappointed with being single longest-lasting of my online and childless, I embarked on liaisons, I resolved to be celibate two years of living dangerously. until I could be part of a I tried to surround myself monogamous relationship. with positivity, joining a church I had tried months earlier, to no and spending more time with avail, but I was determined to family and friends. And I lost 85 make it this time. However, I pounds through diet and hadn’t reached rock-bottom in my exercise. But these things only sex and love addiction yet. Well, I proved to be distractions. I didn’t even know I was an addict, never allowed myself to grieve but I did suspect that I had a the pain of my loss. Five months problem. And so I met my second after my husband left, feeling husband on a social media site in slender and confident, I hit the early January of this year. online dating scene. He was charming, affable and It was a feast for my sexual affectionate, declaring his love for addiction. My first date ended me only two weeks after we met. I with a one-night stand and I abandoned my common sense and spent the entire year hooking up ignored my instincts because, with men I met on the dating although I never really loved him, I site. Some of the encounters fell in love with the idea of him. lasted longer than others, but For me, he represented the they all evaporated as I grew renewed possibility of achieving tired of each man or he was my ultimate fantasy. I would done with me. finally have the perfect husband, Also, during this time, I the lasting marriage and the coveted other men who crossed beautiful children I’ve always my path, including my personal desired. trainer, my golf classmate, a guy Although our early encounters I met at a birthday party and a took the form of emails and online man who worked out at my gym. chat sessions, we eventually spoke The brief fling with my personal on the phone and used Skype for trainer is most memorable. I lost virtual dates. My romantic my own company’s first and obsession took on a life of its own, only contract because I became and my love addiction possessed so obsessed with him that I me. I couldn’t eat or sleep. totally neglected my work. I barely completed my work By late 2011, after enduring a assignments because I spent my medical crisis and finally days chatting with my newfound breaking things off with the love or daydreaming about him.

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But it really wasn’t him that I would discover that my second wanted, it was the fantasy. And husband is the sole provider for soon, my experiences would his immediate family back in confirm that. Africa and he has a child whom On the first of February, he never revealed to me. Truly, barely a month into the this marriage would be my most relationship, I travelled to painful, confusing and costly Florida and met my then- relationship to date. boyfriend. Despite some After months of dramatic ups misgivings and last-minute and downs, I started feeling jitters, I decided to follow desperate and I wanted to end through on our plan to move him the marriage. I was on the edge of to Maryland with me. madness for the first time in my Although all of the warning life. No longer fantasizing about flags were there — he lived on my perfect spouse, I distrusted scarce resources and had little to and despised my husband. offer me — I again acted on my My thoughts revolved around need to be needed. And the sex removing this man from my life. only encouraged my addictive And I was overwhelmed by my behavior. So, after being stranded wifely duties. I cooked, cleaned, in South Carolina for two days did laundry and transported my with hardly any money, we husband to and from work. At arrived at my home. first, it was my pleasure to do A week later, we married and everything. I wanted to show him settled into connubial bliss. But it that he had indeed married a didn’t take long for the fantasy to woman of virtue who could begin unraveling. My new handle anything that was thrown husband turned out to be an at her. opportunist who lied, hid the And I did this, to my own truth, rationalized his actions and detriment. I fell behind on my became very defensive when work responsibilities and my confronted. supervisor called me out on my Ten days later, I received an poor performance. Financially, I email from a woman claiming to struggled to pay my husband’s be his ex-girlfriend and stating debts, support his family and still my husband owed her a large make ends meet. I even began to sum of money. He denied any gain weight because I was eating romantic relationship with her. differently and missing workouts. Over the next three months, I I also distanced myself from my

31 Issue #144 theJournal family and friends, believing But he wasn’t. None of that most of them disapproved of my mattered anymore. My life was marriage, even though they’d shattered and it was time to pick never met my husband. up the pieces. Due to our short courtship After the sudden separation and seemingly whirlwind and my miscarriage, I started romance, I chose to lie to them journaling and reflecting on about how long we dated before what happened. As I wrote my marrying and the circumstances thoughts and feelings, I of how we met. Deep down uncovered a pervasive pattern of inside, I knew they would think I negative, destructive was delusional and I was afraid relationships with men. to admit the truth to myself — In fact, I learned that I’ve that my decision to marry a man never had a healthy relationship I’d only known for six weeks was with a man. Somehow, by the indeed pure insanity. grace of God, I knew that I By mid-June, I had broached needed professional help to the topic of separation with my identify the source of my husband twice. On the third behavior and learn new ways of occasion, he decided to go, meeting my own needs and of abruptly packing his belongings relating to other people from a and leaving in the middle of the state of wholeness. night. I suffered a miscarriage 10 I found a wonderful counselor days later and my job was who diagnosed me as a love threatened by a series of addict. With that revelation, I unexcused absences that I took did some research on love to accompany my husband to addiction and came across the doctor’s visits. S.L.A.A. website and the 40- This second husband project question survey. At first, I didn’t had ended badly. Once again, I want to admit that I’m also a sex rescued a man for the sake of addict because it seemed more fulfilling my own needs. I had acceptable to be a love addict. relocated him, helped him to But I followed through and secure employment, to get his began attending meetings. GED and to resolve his medical Now, I’m working with a issues. And I paid his debts. I different counselor to address thought he would be loyal, my codependence issues and committed and grateful to me. addictions to sex and love. And I

32 theJournal Issue #144 am very blessed to have not one, grief class. but five sponsors: God, my I recently joined a church, program sponsor, my service and I also want to take cooking sponsor, my therapist and and nutrition classes. For at least myself. the next year or two, I’m focused I am reaching out to recovery on living a sober, celibate life — partners, too, for experience, no dating — and just getting to strength and hope. My personal know myself. I will love and care recovery program also includes for myself, I will learn what God working the 12 Steps, performing truly has planned for me and I service, committing to top line will break my lifelong cycle of behaviors, going to S.L.A.A. and romantic obsession and sexual Codependents Anonymous promiscuity. After many years of meetings, participating in an choosing to be with anybody but Adult Children of Alcoholics myself, finally, I choose me. group, and attending a divorce —YANA N.

Facing My Fears fears is nothing short of jumping off a cliff — a leap of faith. You, my fellows, know of what I or some 35 years, I have speak. hid behind love to escape We are standing in our alone- Fmy fears – my fears of fail- ness now. It is not easy. Many ure, abandonment, loss and, tears. Many fears. most of all, loneliness. And yet, I am so deeply grate- With the 12-Steps as my solid ful to say that since taking my foundation, I am in an open field last swig of the sweet elixir of now... vulnerably naked… no addictive love, my profound lover to obsess upon so that I sense of gratitude is continually might escape from myself. growing and strengthening. Addiction is just that — From the depths of my soul, I whether through alcohol, drugs, thank God that I am finally, FI- sex, food, gambling, love or co- NALLY, strong enough to face dependency — it is our avenue of that which I have so greatly escape. To let go of that which feared… myself. has served to keep us from our –KIM K.

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the Journal Calendars are 12-month wall calendars (size: 8.5” x 11”) with inspirational excerpts from the Journal and they are available for $10 at the F.W.S. store –www.slaafws.org The Journal calendar can be used:  To celebrate the Journal, our meeting in a magazine  To let other S.L.A.A. members know about the Journal  As an incentive to subscribe to the Journal What you can do:  Buy a calendar for yourself to support FWS and the Journal  Vote to sell the Journal calendar at your Intergroup or meeting literature table and let people know what it is  Give away a calendar as an incentive to subscribe to the Journal

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Meditation Book Project IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO PARTICIPATE IN THIS PROJECT: A WORD TO CREATIVE CONTRIBUTORS: FEEL FREE TO SUBMIT UNCOPYRIGHTED, ORIGINAL WRITING (WITH THE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT S.L.A.A.-FWS, INC. MAY FREELY EDIT, COMBINE, DECLINE, OR REASSIGN MATERIAL) TO BE PUBLISHED AS: 1. PERSONAL SHARES FOR MEDITATIONS (MAX. 350 CHARACTER COUNT INCLUDING SPACES). 2. POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS/ PRAYERS (MAX. 100 CHARACTER COUNT INCLUDING SPACES). 3. SOURCED QUOTES FROM S.L.A.A. CONFERENCE-APPROVED LITERATURE (MAX. 120 CHARACTER COUNT INCLUDING SPACES). FOR NOW, PLEASE EMAIL SHARES (RELEASING COPYRIGHT) TO [email protected] AND/OR THE CLC CHAIR WWW.SLAAFWS.ORG/CONTACT/CLC

WITHDRAWAL

Withdrawal is a painful process. It seems that when in the grips of withdrawal, the Universe opens up with possibilities of ways to slip back into that familiar way of life we know as addiction and not face the gut wrenching experience. In the beginning, I went to S.L.A.A. meetings and heard people describe their pain as they were withdrawing from Sex and Love addiction. They also described the heart-breaking experience of breaking their bottom-line behaviors during withdrawal. I didn’t really understand what they meant until it was my turn.

AFFIRMATION: Higher Power, Please help me do the things necessary to stay sober throughout my withdrawal. Help me to remember to go to S.L.A.A. meetings and to develop a healthy support system.

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 Our busiest day is Thanksgiving and there is never a busy signal, so you will get through to receive inspiring thoughts !

 The Inspiration Line has been in existence for 27 years!

The Inspiration Line is presented to the SLAA Fellowship by the Greater Delaware Valley Intergroup. To find out more or to volunteer, call the Line 36 and leave a message. 1. Having few healthy boundaries, we become sexually involved with 1. We seek to develop a daily relationship with a Higher Power, and/or emotionally attached to people without knowing them. knowing that we are not alone in our efforts to heal ourselves from 2. Fearing abandonment and loneliness, we stay in and return to our addiction. painful, destructive relationships, concealing our dependency needs 2. We are willing to be vulnerable because the capacity to trust has from ourselves and others, growing more isolated and alienated from been restored to us by our faith in a Higher Power. friends and loved ones, ourselves, and God. 3. We surrender, one day at a time, our whole life strategy of, and 3. Fearing emotional and/or sexual deprivation, we compulsively pur- our obsession with the pursuit of romantic and sexual intrigue and sue and involve ourselves in one relationship after another, some- emotional dependency. times having more than one sexual or emotional liaison at a time. 4. We learn to avoid situations that may put us at risk physically, 4. We confuse love with neediness, physical and sexual attraction, morally, psychologically or spiritually. pity and/or the need to rescue or be rescued. 5. We learn to accept and love ourselves, to take responsibility for 5. We feel empty and incomplete when we are alone. Even though our own lives, and to take care of our own needs before involving we fear intimacy and commitment, we continually search for relation- ourselves with others. ships and sexual contacts. 6. We sexualize stress, guilt, loneliness, anger, shame, fear and 6. We become willing to ask for help, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and learning to trust and accept others. envy. We use sex or emotional dependence as substitutes for nurtur- ing care, and support. 7. We allow ourselves to work through the pain of our low self- 7. We use sex and emotional involvement to manipulate and control esteem and our fears of abandonment and responsibility. We learn to feel comfortable in solitude. others. 8. We become immobilized or seriously distracted by romantic or 8. We begin to accept our imperfections and mistakes as part of sexual obsessions or fantasies. being human, healing our shame and perfectionism while working on our character defects. 9. We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally unavailable. 9. We begin to substitute honesty for self-destructive ways of expressing emotions and feelings. 10. We stay enslaved to emotional dependency, romantic intrigue, or compulsive sexual activities. 10.We become honest in expressing who we are, developing true intimacy in our relationships with ourselves and others. 11. To avoid feeling vulnerable, we may retreat from all intimate involvement, mistaking sexual and emotional anorexia for recovery. 11.We learn to value sex as a by-product of sharing, commitment, trust and cooperation in a partnership. 12. We assign magical qualities to others. We idealize and pursue them, then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expecta- 12.We are restored to sanity, on a daily basis, by participating in the tions. process of recovery.