JAPAN, 1974. ONE ORGANIZATION, THE SPECIAL SCIENCE PATROL, STANDS READY TO DEFEND THE HOMELAND FROM DANGERS THAT WOULD MENACE JAPAN AND ALL MANKIND. RETURN WITH US TO THAT AGE OF GLORY AS WE REVIEW ONE OF THE SSP’S GREATEST CASES OF ALL TIME AS QUIRK BOOKS PRESENTS: SAINT PATRICK VS. GODZILLA into hot water again, much like the time we had CHAPTER 1: to rescue him from the boiling lava pit of the THE THREAT FROM BEYOND THE ROOM subterraneoids during the Case of the Missing PROFESSOR LOLLIPOP could not understand Mole People. His great intellect is matched by an why no one would take him seriously. Here he was, incredible tendency to blunder into inconvenient Japan’s top scientist, presenting important trouble.” Not unlike a certain junior agent of the research at the Big Science National Symposium, Special Science Patrol, Tananaka thought to and none of his colleagues himself but did not say. “What certain agent of the appreciated what he had AS FAR AS TANANAKA discovered. “In conclusion,” he Special Science Patrol?” asked WAS CONCERNED, THE concluded, “The islands of Tananaka’s partner, because it BOY HAD THE Japan and Ireland were once a turned out Tananaka had spoken PERSONALITY OF A single continent, split apart by an his thought out loud after all. I unimaginable force. And the HADDOCK. have to stop doing that, thought residual power of that cataclysm remains locked Tananaka, adding aloud, “Did I beneath the earth like the layer of mustard within say that out loud as well?” this corned beef sandwich!” He jabbed the “Say what out loud?” queried SSP agent Jimmy sandwich at the audience for emphasis, only to Jacko, who was Tananaka’s partner and a have a fleck of mustard fly out and strike him in the constant source of irritation. Jimmy was just ten eye. years old, making him the youngest SSP agent by “Why that’s absurd, Professor,” a scientist in the far, and though he was credited as a boy genius front row shouted at him. “It’s crazier than your and had invented more than thirty-five different theory that turtle-monster Gamera was created by giant robots, as far as Tananaka was concerned the people of ancient Atlantis, rather than the boy was an obnoxious clod with the descended from prehistoric petroleum-consuming personality of a haddock. fire-breathing reptiles as we know him to be! Ha It was beyond Tananaka’s comprehension why Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!” this boy, whose 35 robots had each exploded in The professor could only step away from the massive balls of flames just minutes after being podium and wipe the mustard from his eyeball. created, was permitted to be an SSP agent at all, The ridicule of his peers was more painful that any let alone go on dangerous missions where he eye-searing mustard, even of the spicy brown inevitably stumbled into some death trap that variety, could possibly be. complicated everything tremendously. Meanwhile, in the back of the room, two As Tananaka contemplated drawing his agents of the Special Science Patrol regarded the electro-pistol and administering a severe electric professor’s antics with detached ignorance. The charge to his partner, the room was shaken by a first to speak was Gary Tananaka, top and loud explosion. handsomest SSP agent. “The professor got himself “Ahh!” Cried Jimmy. “Gary, look there!” 1 QUIRKBOOKS.COM “Yes, Jimmy,” answered Tananaka, “There’s a But then Scar Brow dropped a smoke grenade, collapsed wall and a huge plume of smoke filling the area with oddly-hued plumes that directly in front of us. There’s no need to direct my enabled the criminals to make their getaway. attention to it. Obviously I’m going to look there.” The far wall of the auditorium had been blasted CHAPTER 2: to rubble, and through the opening pored a half- THE MULTI-TENTACLED MENACE dozen men wearing matching purple jumpsuits, LATER, AT SSP HEADQUARTERS, Gary Tananaka black fedoras, and dark sunglasses. approached the reception desk, where the SSP's only female agent Mitzy Mitshushi was in the midst IT WAS THE PURPLE SPIDERS GANG. "It's the of her critical duties, mainly answering the phone Purple Spiders gang!" shouted Jimmy, and light typing. unnecessarily. Putting on his most charming face, Tananaka Tananaka gave Jimmy a stern warning: "Stay leaned over her desk like a crane eager to find a back, Jimmy, and don't…" but it was too late. In plump frog in a marsh. "Come on, baby," he said the sixty seconds it had taken Tananaka to don his to her. "Let's flirt a bit, why not?" radio helmet, snap the chinstrap into place, and "Our ancient traditions of emotional suppression properly knot the jaunty cravat which completed have sustained us through centuries of turmoil. It the standard uniform of the Special Science Patrol, would be foolish to cast aside the honorable Jimmy had blundered right into the Purple Spiders. cultural norms of our ancestors simply because of The irritating boy was now hanging by his ankles the modern fad for western-style frankness," she from the ceiling with a time bomb strapped to his replied succinctly. “Also, I find it confusing that you chest. spend so much time with that boy Jimmy Jacko." "Stay back, or the boy will be blown to bits," "But let me tell you about this elegant cigarette threatened Scar Brow, leader of the Purple holder I'm thinking of buying—" Spiders. He raised his cigarette holder to his lips Tananaka's retort was interrupted by the and took a deep drag from the cigarette that bellowing of Commander Arigato. "Tananaka! Get smoldered evilly but elegantly at its tip. "Heh heh back in here immediately!" As Mitshushi watched heh heh," he chuckled, satisfied by the smooth the gangly Tananaka scramble pathetically down flavor of cowboy-harvested American tobacco. the hall, she thought, When will I find the courage Tananaka wished he could think of a way to to tell him how much I love him? ask Scar Brow where he'd purchased the cigarette holder. He wondered if it was standard issue for MEANWHILE, DEEP BENEATH THE SEA OF JAPAN, Purple Spider agents. Their uniforms are so much King Mollusk paced in his throne room, his more stylish than ours, Tananaka mused, glumly. tentacled face furrowed in frustration. For how "Don't worry about me, Gary!” shouted Jimmy long had he desired to conquer the surface world Jacko, uselessly, from his vantage point above the and resurrect his lost aquatic race from their fray. slumber underneath the waves? Several years, "You know, that boy is one of our top agents," probably. Yet his every move was frustrated by the Tananaka said to Scar Brow. "He's a boy genius. If air-breathers. we lost him, I don't know what we'd do. Now "Fools!" he shouted. "Where is my chief scientist? about that cigarette holder you have there…” King Mollusk demands results.” The craven Doctor Shiver stumbled into the chamber. "Here sire! I am happy to say that we 2 QUIRKBOOKS.COM have identified the substance that our agents "I'm sorry, my liege." retrieved from Professor Lollipop.” "Now...we'll need to keep the bulk of the "And?" Science Patrol distracted. And I have just the "To be specific, it is a partially-consumed distraction we need...yes…" corned beef sandwich." "Sire?" "WHAT?" "Yes, quite a large distraction in fact. A large "With, er, mustard Sire." distraction indeed." "Curse the Special Science Patrol! Those clever "Excellent, sire." devils! They encoded his data in the form of an "You will understand what I mean when I tell edible matrix of organic matter!" you, this particular distraction is quite...big." "Yes, sire, that's the only possible explanation." "A fine choice, sire." "I want that sandwich taken apart molecule by "One might say it is...monstrous." molecule! You must break the code of the corned "It's Godzilla, isn't it, sire?" beef!" "Eh?" "Certainly sire." Dr. Shiver began to back out of "I mean, we have to be talking about Godzilla, the room. right?" "Wait!" “THEIR CUSTOMS OF “Fine! It’s Godzilla! What else "Yes, sire?" JIG-DANCING, CLAY PIPE would I be talking about? God "The Special Science Patrol is SMOKING, AND WHISKY- forbid we waste any time enjoy- bound to confer with the Professor. DRINKING MAY SEEM ing the moment. Of course They may try to acquire the hidden Godzilla! Now go! Unleash STRANGE TO US.” source of power he has Godzilla, idiot!" discovered that we are also attempting to locate." The grotesque sea monster stroked his face- GARY TANANAKA AND JIMMY JACKO tentacles in a disgusting gesture of deep thought. clambered out of the hyperjet cockpit and leapt "Sire?" to the ground, landing with dramatic grunts of "Heh heh heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh." King heroic effort. Mollusk's eerie chuckle caused the blubber "We made it," Jimmy exclaimed. "I can't believe around his throat to quiver. it takes a whole 45 minutes to fly from Japan to "Heh heh heh…" laughed Dr. Shiver, cautiously, Ireland!" and then with more conviction. "Heh heh heh "That's the best that the technology of 1974 heh…" Japan can do, Jimmy," Tananaka responded, "Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh!" regarding the grassy, soddy field in which they "Heh heh heh…" had landed, but unable to see very much "All right, stop," blurted King Mollusk. "You're because it was night time. He made a motion to making me uncomfortable." shake the mud of his Special Science Patrol boots, "Sorry, sire." then gave up, because as far as he could tell, this "Keep the Special Science Patrol under place was all mud.