JAPAN, 1974. ONE ORGANIZATION, THE SPECIAL SCIENCE PATROL, STANDS READY TO DEFEND THE HOMELAND FROM DANGERS THAT WOULD MENACE JAPAN AND ALL MANKIND. RETURN WITH US TO THAT AGE OF GLORY AS WE REVIEW ONE OF THE SSP’S GREATEST CASES OF ALL TIME AS QUIRK BOOKS PRESENTS: SAINT PATRICK VS. GODZILLA

into hot water again, much like the time we had CHAPTER 1: to rescue him from the boiling lava pit of the THE THREAT FROM BEYOND THE ROOM subterraneoids during the Case of the Missing PROFESSOR LOLLIPOP could not understand Mole People. His great intellect is matched by an why no one would take him seriously. Here he was, incredible tendency to blunder into inconvenient Japan’s top scientist, presenting important trouble.” Not unlike a certain junior agent of the research at the Big Science National Symposium, Special Science Patrol, Tananaka thought to and none of his colleagues himself but did not say. “What certain agent of the appreciated what he had AS FAR AS TANANAKA discovered. “In conclusion,” he Special Science Patrol?” asked WAS CONCERNED, THE concluded, “The islands of Tananaka’s partner, because it BOY HAD THE Japan and Ireland were once a turned out Tananaka had spoken PERSONALITY OF A single continent, split apart by an his thought out loud after all. I unimaginable force. And the HADDOCK. have to stop doing that, thought residual power of that cataclysm remains locked Tananaka, adding aloud, “Did I beneath the earth like the layer of mustard within say that out loud as well?” this corned beef sandwich!” He jabbed the “Say what out loud?” queried SSP agent Jimmy sandwich at the audience for emphasis, only to Jacko, who was Tananaka’s partner and a have a fleck of mustard fly out and strike him in the constant source of irritation. Jimmy was just ten eye. years old, making him the youngest SSP agent by “Why that’s absurd, Professor,” a scientist in the far, and though he was credited as a boy genius front row shouted at him. “It’s crazier than your and had invented more than thirty-five different theory that turtle-monster Gamera was created by giant robots, as far as Tananaka was concerned the people of ancient Atlantis, rather than the boy was an obnoxious clod with the descended from prehistoric petroleum-consuming personality of a haddock. fire-breathing reptiles as we know him to be! Ha It was beyond Tananaka’s comprehension why Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!” this boy, whose 35 robots had each exploded in The professor could only step away from the massive balls of flames just minutes after being podium and wipe the mustard from his eyeball. created, was permitted to be an SSP agent at all, The ridicule of his peers was more painful that any let alone go on dangerous missions where he eye-searing mustard, even of the spicy brown inevitably stumbled into some death trap that variety, could possibly be. complicated everything tremendously. Meanwhile, in the back of the room, two As Tananaka contemplated drawing his agents of the Special Science Patrol regarded the electro-pistol and administering a severe electric professor’s antics with detached ignorance. The charge to his partner, the room was shaken by a first to speak was Gary Tananaka, top and loud explosion. handsomest SSP agent. “The professor got himself “Ahh!” Cried Jimmy. “Gary, look there!”

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“Yes, Jimmy,” answered Tananaka, “There’s a But then Scar Brow dropped a smoke grenade, collapsed wall and a huge plume of smoke filling the area with oddly-hued plumes that directly in front of us. There’s no need to direct my enabled the criminals to make their getaway. attention to it. Obviously I’m going to look there.” The far wall of the auditorium had been blasted CHAPTER 2: to rubble, and through the opening pored a half- THE MULTI-TENTACLED MENACE dozen men wearing matching purple jumpsuits, LATER, AT SSP HEADQUARTERS, Gary Tananaka black fedoras, and dark sunglasses. approached the reception desk, where the SSP's

only female agent Mitzy Mitshushi was in the midst IT WAS THE PURPLE SPIDERS GANG. "It's the of her critical duties, mainly answering the phone Purple Spiders gang!" shouted Jimmy, and light typing. unnecessarily. Putting on his most charming face, Tananaka Tananaka gave Jimmy a stern warning: "Stay leaned over her desk like a crane eager to find a back, Jimmy, and don't…" but it was too late. In plump frog in a marsh. "Come on, baby," he said the sixty seconds it had taken Tananaka to don his to her. "Let's flirt a bit, why not?" radio helmet, snap the chinstrap into place, and "Our ancient traditions of emotional suppression properly knot the jaunty cravat which completed have sustained us through centuries of turmoil. It the standard uniform of the Special Science Patrol, would be foolish to cast aside the honorable Jimmy had blundered right into the Purple Spiders. cultural norms of our ancestors simply because of The irritating boy was now hanging by his ankles the modern fad for western-style frankness," she from the ceiling with a time bomb strapped to his replied succinctly. “Also, I find it confusing that you chest. spend so much time with that boy Jimmy Jacko." "Stay back, or the boy will be blown to bits," "But let me tell you about this elegant cigarette threatened Scar Brow, leader of the Purple holder I'm thinking of buying—" Spiders. He raised his cigarette holder to his lips Tananaka's retort was interrupted by the and took a deep drag from the cigarette that bellowing of Commander Arigato. "Tananaka! Get smoldered evilly but elegantly at its tip. "Heh heh back in here immediately!" As Mitshushi watched heh heh," he chuckled, satisfied by the smooth the gangly Tananaka scramble pathetically down flavor of cowboy-harvested American tobacco. the hall, she thought, When will I find the courage Tananaka wished he could think of a way to to tell him how much I love him? ask Scar Brow where he'd purchased the cigarette holder. He wondered if it was standard issue for MEANWHILE, DEEP BENEATH THE SEA OF JAPAN, Purple Spider agents. Their uniforms are so much King Mollusk paced in his throne room, his more stylish than ours, Tananaka mused, glumly. tentacled face furrowed in frustration. For how "Don't worry about me, Gary!” shouted Jimmy long had he desired to conquer the surface world Jacko, uselessly, from his vantage point above the and resurrect his lost aquatic race from their fray. slumber underneath the waves? Several years, "You know, that boy is one of our top agents," probably. Yet his every move was frustrated by the Tananaka said to Scar Brow. "He's a boy genius. If air-breathers. we lost him, I don't know what we'd do. Now "Fools!" he shouted. "Where is my chief scientist? about that cigarette holder you have there…” King Mollusk demands results.” The craven Doctor Shiver stumbled into the chamber. "Here sire! I am happy to say that we

2 QUIRKBOOKS.COM have identified the substance that our agents "I'm sorry, my liege." retrieved from Professor Lollipop.” "Now...we'll need to keep the bulk of the "And?" Science Patrol distracted. And I have just the "To be specific, it is a partially-consumed distraction we need...yes…" corned beef sandwich." "Sire?" "WHAT?" "Yes, quite a large distraction in fact. A large "With, er, mustard Sire." distraction indeed." "Curse the Special Science Patrol! Those clever "Excellent, sire." devils! They encoded his data in the form of an "You will understand what I mean when I tell edible matrix of organic matter!" you, this particular distraction is quite...big." "Yes, sire, that's the only possible explanation." "A fine choice, sire." "I want that sandwich taken apart molecule by "One might say it is...monstrous." molecule! You must break the code of the corned "It's Godzilla, isn't it, sire?" beef!" "Eh?" "Certainly sire." Dr. Shiver began to back out of "I mean, we have to be talking about Godzilla, the room. right?" "Wait!" “THEIR CUSTOMS OF “Fine! It’s Godzilla! What else "Yes, sire?" JIG-DANCING, CLAY PIPE would I be talking about? God "The Special Science Patrol is SMOKING, AND WHISKY- forbid we waste any time enjoy- bound to confer with the Professor. DRINKING MAY SEEM ing the moment. Of course They may try to acquire the hidden Godzilla! Now go! Unleash STRANGE TO US.” source of power he has Godzilla, idiot!" discovered that we are also attempting to locate." The grotesque sea monster stroked his face- GARY TANANAKA AND JIMMY JACKO tentacles in a disgusting gesture of deep thought. clambered out of the hyperjet cockpit and leapt "Sire?" to the ground, landing with dramatic grunts of "Heh heh heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh." King heroic effort. Mollusk's eerie chuckle caused the blubber "We made it," Jimmy exclaimed. "I can't believe around his throat to quiver. it takes a whole 45 minutes to fly from Japan to "Heh heh heh…" laughed Dr. Shiver, cautiously, Ireland!" and then with more conviction. "Heh heh heh "That's the best that the technology of 1974 heh…" Japan can do, Jimmy," Tananaka responded, "Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh!" regarding the grassy, soddy field in which they "Heh heh heh…" had landed, but unable to see very much "All right, stop," blurted King Mollusk. "You're because it was night time. He made a motion to making me uncomfortable." shake the mud of his Special Science Patrol boots, "Sorry, sire." then gave up, because as far as he could tell, this "Keep the Special Science Patrol under place was all mud. observation. Follow them and they will lead us "Gosh, this country of Ireland sure is strange," right to the hidden treasure we seek. The fools!" Jimmy added. "Where is everybody?" "Heh heh heh heh…" Dr. Shiver took the "This is a simple land of farmers and sheep- opportunity to stroke his beard as he laughed. herders, Jimmy," explained Tananaka. "Their "Stop laughing! I'm not through yet." unassuming customs of jig-dancing, clay pipe

3 QUIRKBOOKS.COM smoking, and whiskey drinking may seem strange Tananaka eventually extricated his hand from to us, but we mustn't feel superior just because we the Irishman's grip. "Er...yes...well...we appreciated have electricity and running water." Tananaka you meeting us on short notice." swatted at some type of fly that buzzed near his "Tis nothin' " O'Shaughnassy bellowed. "An' who left earlobe. "Anyway, I expect most of the be this wee leprechaun you have with ye, then?" population is attending the festival of Saint Patrick. Tananaka groped for the phrases he had They’re probably all at his temple making prepared for this situation: He's just a mentally offerings." disturbed boy who follows me around for some "Gary, look! Someone's coming! It must be our reason. Please don't talk to him. This is part of his contact." therapy. But as always, the irritating child was too The stranger, once he was close enough to be quick to respond. observed in the dim moonlight filtering through the "Jimmy Jacko, sir. Honorary junior agent of the thick clouds, proved to be a man of average Special Science Patrol. Pleased to meet you." height, dressed in the uniform of the Special "Aye, sure an ya are boyo! Such a t'ing, a wee Science Patrol Irish Branch: green breeches, bairn like yersself, raisin' yer fists agin' evil like ye buckle shoes, flat tweed cap, wool sweater, and a was yer man Jack Dempsey! A burra wurra brah shamrock-shaped identification badge. He do de didey dooly doo…" gripped a tall walking staff in one hand and in the As O’Shaughnessy’s dialog trailed into an other carried a long clay pipe from which a incomprehensible string of gibberish, Tananaka miasma of tobacco smoke drifted. Tananaka found himself wondering what language they'd all indicated the pipe to Jimmy with a sidelong been speaking. It seemed unlikely that the glance, and the two nodded knowingly. Irishman knew how to speak Japanese, and he and Jimmy certainly didn't know how to speak CHAPTER 3: Irish. Is Irish even a language, Tananaka THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND wondered? Or is it just another version of English? "GARY TANANAKA, SPECIAL SCIENCE PATROL, Which didn't matter, since neither he nor Jimmy Japan Branch." He saluted and then held out his could speak English either. hand, wondering suddenly if hand-shaking was "So," Tananaka interrupted, causing the custom in this foreign land. O'Shaughnassy to cease the high-stepping jig he'd But the stranger, placing his pipe between his inexplicably started, "Can you help us locate the teeth, gripped Tananaka's hand and shook it spot on this map?" He snapped his fingers at enthusiastically. "Top O' the mornin' to ye lads!" He Jimmy, who stared back at him blankly. "That exclaimed. "Me name's Seamus O'Shaughnassy, means give me the map," he hissed. liaison officer for the Special Science Patrol, Irish "Lucky for us," Jimmy told O'Shaughnassy as he branch! Saints preserve us but I had a divvil of a handed him the document, "The professor time calmin' down ol' farmer O'Malley when he absentmindedly placed the map in his lunchbox cast his eye on yer big metal bird there, landin' in and his lunch in his briefcase!" his potato field like the tree of St. Brigit. Off his nut, "Boondock saints preserve us, ye sure have the he was, raisin' a ruckus like to be heard from here luck o' the Irish wi' ye, laddie," O'Shaughnassy to Dublin'. Though 'tis likely it was jest the Arthur answered. "Fer it's sure as a the skin on a potato Guinness talkin' " that I ken just where this spot be. Mother McCree, 'tis not far, but, a mere tiddle across Fagan’s glen."

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"What luck!" exclaimed Jimmy. "Can you take "... clear skies and warm temperatures us there now?" tomorrow for Tokyo and the surrounding areas," "Aye, boyo, and faster than you could say 'Who the announcer was saying. He shuffled his stack of put their trousers in Missus Murphy's chowder?'! But papers. "And now for the monster forecast. Well, first allow me ta freshen up with this bar of Irish with Mothra still in hibernation, and King Ghidorah Spring. It’s a soap strong enuff fer a man, though not seen since his disappearance at the hands of me wife admits that she likes it too. Now how’s the Futurions, there are no monstrous threats in the about I regale ye's wit' th' tale o' how the vicinity…" suddenly the announcer raised a hand McGillicutty brudders got some Arthurs in 'em and to his earpiece, and his flat expression changed to old man Fagan…" one of bug-eyed anxiety. "Ladies and gentleman! "Tell us while we walk," Tananaka interrupted, I've just been given a late bulletin! Observers slapping Jimmy on the back of the head to snap report that...can I get a his attention away from the Irishman's monolog. confirmation...approaching Tokyo Bay at this very moment... none other than the terrifying Godzilla, BACK AT THE HEADQUARTERS of the Special King of Monsters!" Science Patrol, Commander Arigato looked up "Oh!" gasped Mitshushi. from his desk as agent Mitzy Mitshushi entered. "To repeat for those who may have gasped," "Thank you," said Commander Arigato as the the announcer continued, "Tokyo is under young woman handed him his afternoon tea. immanent threat of Godzilla attack! And we can "Commander, any word from Agents Tananaka confirm that this is not Mechagodzilla nor Space and Jacko, who are on a remote mission at the Godzilla, but the original Godzilla himself! All island nation of Ireland attempting to locate the citizens of Tokyo prefecture are advised to area calculated on the professor's map?" implement preparations to run for their lives." "They must find the ancient source of power "This is most disturbing," the Commander identified by Professor Lollipop declared. before our enemy King Mollusk gets hold of it," answered the “OH!” GASPED CHAPTER 4: commander. "But we both know MITSHUSHI. CLASH OF THE ICONS these things already. There was no OUT IN THE PACIFIC OCEAN, reason to say them. No, I have not The awful truth was true. heard from them." He took a sip of Godzilla, the King of Monsters, was on the move. his tea. It had been ages since the great beast was “They may be in danger. How I wish I could roused from his home beneath the sea, and the have gone with them on their mission,” said enormous gargantua could hardly decide what to Mitshushi. “After all, I too an a trained agent of the do first. He spotted a small fishing vessel which was Special Science Patrol.” tossed in the tsunami-like waves created by the “You?” the Commander replied. “That is enormous reptile’s passage. To Godzilla, the boat absurd, you are only a girl. The thought is comical seemed no more than a small plastic model to me. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.” The Commander’s jolly bobbing in a tub of water. laughter resembled the gasps of a robot being "Erraaarraaarreeeehahhhhaaaa!" the monster asphyxiated by an anaconda. "Silence," he roared, tickled at the idea that he was actually added. "The weather forecast is on television. I normal-sized and everything around him was tiny. have plans this weekend."

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He was in such good humor that he swallowed the "Jimmy, those drunk leprechauns were crazy. boat whole without first snapping it in two. You can't go around believing diminutive freaks who live underground. Didn’t you learn anything MEANWHILE, Gary Tananaka and Jimmy Jacko, from the Case of the Missing Mole People last boy genius, once again clambered out of the month?" hyperjet, this time placing their feet on the familiar, Jimmy pushed the shillelagh into Tananaka's well-organized soil of the nation of Japan. "Gary," hands. "We've got to try it! But how to activate its said Jimmy, "Where is everyone? The power…" landing field is deserted!" Tananaka regarded the "Yes," said Tananaka, “GET THAT HORRIBLE gnarled club. Maybe a rap "Something's not right. Well, no THING OUT OF MY FACE,” across the mouth would shut matter. It’s after five and I'm going TANANAKA CRIED. this kid up. home for the day, you just go do "I need to eat something to whatever it is you do when--" help me think," Jimmy said. "OOOOH!!! Gary, look!" "Luckily I have still have part of the professor’s extra "What is it? Probably nothing important, tell me corned beef sandwich—the same one that about it tomorrow." I think there's a shop near here convinced the leprechauns we were on their side." that might sell the same kind of cigarette holder "Yes, yes, leprechauns, I was there," Tananaka that Scar Brow was using… answered. "Jimmy, you're blocking the ladder to Tananaka's ruminations were interrupted by an the hyperjet cockpit." Off in the distance, Godzilla earth-shaking roar that nearly knocked the duo off flicked his tail, wiping out three all-night noodle their feet. With no other choice, Tananaka turned shops. to view the direction in which the boy was still "Do you want a bite of my sandwich, Gary?" pointing. And there, against the Tokyo skyline, he "Get that horrible thing out of my face," saw the great atomic lizard himself, Godzilla, King Tananaka cried. He waved the shillelagh. of Monsters, leaning casually against a skyscraper The corned beef sandwich struck the ancient and picking his teeth with the broadcast antenna sacred wood. of a nearby television station. There was a sudden flash of blinding, eldritch "King Mollusk must have released him from green light. beneath the sea, Gary! Remember Scar Brow alluded to a 'giant surprise' when he ambushed us ELSEWHERE, COMMANDER ARIGATO AND agent at the lost Tomb of Saint Patrick?" Mitshushi watched the tele-screen silently as the "Yes, Jimmy. Interesting. Well, I supposed the great monster Godzilla swatted a trio of jet fighters hyperjet has enough fuel left to carry one of us to out of the air, much in the way that a normal-sized a safe distance…" bipedal lizard might swat away three tiny but "If only…” Jimmy mumbled. "Gary, that's it! It’s extremely detailed model airplanes. the perfect time to use this!" Jimmy presented to The Commander sighed. "Our entire defense Tananaka a gnarled, crooked, wooden walking force is oriented towards protecting Japan from stick. giant monsters," he said. “And they fail every time. "Jimmy…" Even Godzilla himself looks bored." "The beta-shillelagh! The ancient cudgel of "Oh, Commander, shouldn't the Special Saint Patrick himself! The leprechauns said it Science Patrol be helping?" contains ancient power!"

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"We are helping," the Commander growled to CHAPTER 5 her. "Somebody has to test this monster-proof SHAMROCK SHAKEDOWN bunker. I'll stay here, five miles underground, “LOOK!” MITSHUSHI CRIED. during the entire crisis if that's what it takes to The two behemoths moved towards each prove the superiority of Japanese engineering and other, with ponderous steps so loud that they construction." shattered what few windows hadn't already been "Commander, look at that!" shattered. This would be a bonanza week for the "I'm already looking at the screen, Mitshushi, glass repair industry. Godzilla lunged forward, eyes there's really nothing else to look at in this room— yellow with rage, snapping at Saint Patrick with AWHAAAAAAH?!" teeth as long as several men standing on each An unbelievable tableau was unfolding, an other's shoulders. But the humongous Saint swung event literally twice as unbelievable as a giant his cudgel, swatting the great reptile like a woman atomic-powered mutant reptile. For now a second beating the dust out of a carpet on a clothesline titanic figure had appeared on the scene. because her husband was too cheap to buy a

vacuum cleaner. IT HAD THE FORM OF A MAN, a humanoid giant Godzilla staggered backwards, his tail knocking dressed in green robes, with a long gray beard down a hospital, a children's hospital, and a and carrying a wooden cudgel. On his tunic was a hospital for puppies. Opening his mighty maw, the green shamrock edged in gold. King of Monsters called forth his famous Atomic "Commander," Mitshushi said, interrupting the Breath, unleashing a hellstorm of nuclear energy stunned silence, "This is f*kin' nuts, right?" that erupted onto Saint Patrick like a waterspout of "I can hardly believe my eyes," the destruction. Commander whispered. Godzilla released his The great Saint fell to his knees. trademark bellow, and beat his reptilian fists Back in the science bunker, the commander against his chest in challenge. The green-clad groaned, "I knew it. Ancient power or not, stranger brandished his cudgel in a defensive Tananaka is making a mess of things." posture. "His mind is overwhelmed by the power of Saint "Who is that?" Mitshushi asked. "A roboclone of Patrick," Jimmy explained. "He needs my help— Metamorphic Monster M? A disguised version of with this!" The boy genius waved a ragged, stained Illusiotron the Invisible? Mothra? and dirty cloth in the air. "That's Saint Patrick!" The new voice belonged "Nobody's interested in a schoolboy’s to Jimmy Jacko, who apparently had entered the underwear, Jimmy," Mitshushi sighed. "This isn't one room at some point. "The power of Saint Patrick, of those clubs in Osaka." unleashed from the beta-shillelagh, has possessed "It's not underwear! It's a tapestry fragment with Gary Tananaka!" instructions on how to use the power of St. Patrick. I "Tananaka?" the Commander bellowed. "That translated it on the flight back." He sat in front of a lazy, incompetent boob?” He fumbled in his communications panel which had been in a pocket for the map to the secret sub-bunker, corner of the room this whole time but didn't bear hidden miles beneath this one, that only he knew mentioning until now. "’I’ll broadcast to Gary's about. Special Science Patrol communicator; he just may

hear me."

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"Sure, kid whatever," the commander replied. and slammed into Saint Patrick’s legs. The colossal "Agent Mitshushi, there’s room for two in the bishop of Ireland tumbled to the ground. Godzilla escape vehicle …" pressed his advantage, swinging one mighty leg "Giant Saint Patrick!" shouted Jimmy into what backwards and kicking Saint Patrick in the kidney. was probably a microphone. The gigantic saint rolled away, crushing a Saint Patrick had been lying on the ground as warehouse of emergency medical supplies and a Godzilla rained curiously human-looking punches clinic for depressed kittens. upon him. Then the huge mutant “Give me that microphone,” lizard stepped back, reached for demanded Commander THE COLOSSAL BISHOP the trestle of a nearby elevated Arigato. “I’m telling Tananaka to OF IRELAND TUMBLED TO train, ripped the metal structure let Godzilla eat him. Maybe the THE GROUND. out of its concrete mooring and monster will be satisfied and go began shaping it into a sort of back where he came from.” hammer. “There’s one more chance,” Jimmy said. Saint Patrick sat up, his expression changing “Giant Saint Patrick!” from confusion to slightly less confusion. “I don’t think you need to say his name every "Giant Saint Patrick," Jimmy commanded, "Use time,” Mitshushi noted. “I mean, he knows who he Shamrock Shuriken maneuver!" is.” Saint Patrick leapt to his feet. With a series of “Giant Saint Patrick! Implement… the Anti- wrist flicks, he threw a number of glowing Serpent Technique!” projectiles towards Godzilla. Each was shaped like a three-leafed clover, and when they struck the GODZILLA REARED his fearsome head back, great lizard’s hide they erupted in a shower of preparing to unleash another bout of atomic green sparks that knocked the mutant reptile flame. The incongruous jagged fins on his back backwards, crushing a convent and a home for crackled with energy. Saint Patrick pushed himself the blind. onto one knee. He bowed his head and clasped "Good, Giant Saint Patrick!" Jimmy was saying. his hands together. "Now, activate flaming shillelagh!” “He’s giving up,” the Commander shouted. The humungous Saint raised his wooden cudgel “This is just the kind of thing that makes it before him. Suddenly it erupted in scratchy red impossible for the Special Science Patrol to get flames, which surged forward as Godzilla regained any funding.” his footing. With a roar that burst the eardrums of “No, commander,” Mitshushi responded. “Look several dozen schoolchildren hiding nearby, what’s happening to Godzilla!” Godzilla retreated from the spout of fire. The King of Monsters seemed puzzled, to the “Jimmy,” the Commander said, “Tell Giant degree that a face with the consistency of thick Saint Patrick to run away. You know, lead Godzilla rubber might be said to have an expression. Saint back to the sea or something.” I’m grasping at Patrick remained in his kneeling pose, and now a straws, the Commander was thinking. My years at faint green glow was enveloping him. the academy of giant monster defense tactics “Of course,” Mitshushi exclaimed. never prepared me for this. But then Godzilla suddenly spun to the side, his GODZILLA TOOK A STEP BACKWARDS, seemingly mighty tail whipping around, pulling down a grove trying to resist some invisible force. Saint Patrick of thousand-year old endangered cherry trees, stood, spreading his arms wide, and Godzilla

8 QUIRKBOOKS.COM staggered backwards again, this time crushing an “Thank god that’s over and that I sold my Tokyo ambulance and a circus wagon full of clowns. condominium last week,” the Commander sighed. “What’s happening?” the Commander asked. “Saint Patrick drove all the snakes out of EPILOG Ireland,” said Mitshushi. “He has the power to repel reptiles. And Godzilla…” Gary Tananaka opened his eyes to find himself “…is part reptile,” the Commander finished. “Of sitting on a pier in Tokyo bay. There were plumes of course! It’s so blindingly logical!” smoke everywhere, sirens wailing, and the Step by home-destroying, life-ending, overpowering scent of burning wood, scorched infrastructure-shattering step, Godzilla was forced asphalt and overturned aquariums. His Special towards the waters of Tokyo bay. In the end the Science Patrol communicator was beeping like an monster seemed resigned to the outcome. With angry sea urchin. He stood up, brushing dirt from an anticlimactic shrug, Godzilla turned to face the his uniform, and flexed his aching shoulders. His ocean and began the long walk to his undersea foot tapped against something, some sort of domain. gnarled branch of wood. Tananaka picked it up, “Good work, Giant Saint Patrick! Giant Saint turned it over in his hands, and then tossed it out Patrick?” Jimmy’s voice trailed off in confusion. For into the ocean. That does it, he thought. I’m the tele-screen now showed no sign of either of quitting the Special Science Patrol and going to the two titanic combatants. All that was visible work at my uncle’s glass and roofing repair was the incomprehensible loss of life and property business. left behind by the clash of gigantic forces beyond the ken of man. written by Rick Chillot

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