The Ruinors Are True: Saint Mary's College to Be Closed For
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The Collegian Volume 111 2013-2014 Article 22 4-1-2014 Volume 111, Number 22 - Tuesday, April 1, 2014 Saint Mary's College of California Follow this and additional works at: https://digitalcommons.stmarys-ca.edu/collegian Part of the Higher Education Commons Recommended Citation Saint Mary's College of California (2014) "Volume 111, Number 22 - Tuesday, April 1, 2014," The Collegian: Vol. 111 , Article 22. Available at: https://digitalcommons.stmarys-ca.edu/collegian/vol111/iss1/22 This Issue is brought to you for free and open access by Saint Mary's Digital Commons. It has been accepted for inclusion in The Collegian by an authorized editor of Saint Mary's Digital Commons. For more information, please contact [email protected]. MORAGA, NORTH KOREA VOLUME 111, NUMBER 14 TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 DAKULLEJUHN.NET TWITTER: @DAKULLEJUHN • HASHTAG: #(HECKIT The ruinors are true: Saint Mary's College INSIDE THIS to be closed for unreleased reasons WEEK'S EDITION Unexpected closure assumed PAGE 69 to be part of Everyone only cares about Crime Beat mysterious "Strategic Plari of Excellence" OoooP1N10N PAGE 420 Articles that make BY SECNARF ARAS ONE COOL CAT people mad at us Recently, emails concerning an NIC::KELB~\C::K unclear "Plan of Strategic Excel lence" have been circulating the !f' ,, campus, stirring about rumors of NOT DETOUR PAGE 1402 what this plan really entails. Ac cordingto its informational page on Walk, walk, fashion the College's website, the plan "is baby. Werk it gurl designed to gaelvanize the College community around a gaelpelling gaelvision and future possibilities for continued gaellectual vibrancy, financial gaelitude, and gaelova PAGEO tion." Some believed this meant IF vou ARE READING THIS, send help. I have been under Da Kullejuhn's couch for 15 years with no chance to escape. (Brad Pitt/DA KU LLEJ UHN) a campus-wide extermination of will be canceled, but students will basketball victories and YouTube entitled "Blackcat." The official Sports sports sports the feral cats, while others feared be required to remain on campus clips of bulldogs being adorable. also said that the Saint Mary's and basketball an end to Sundae Sundays. throughout the months of May Following the evacuation of all lower townhouse tradition of a Da Kullejuhn investigated this and June to help move out and load furniture and students, construc human petting zoo will continue Plan of Strategic Excellence and furniture onto moving trucks. The tion crews will flock to campus to in some form. Since the dorms will Dorms to be discovered that it is actually a front furniture and students will then begin a massive new redevelop remain intact, the WealthandHell for a plan to close Saint Mary's be delivered to their new school: ment plan that follows Moraga ness Center will be converted to a converted College permanently. Within the Gonzaga. city code. With exception of the Moraga-based clinic that will be past week, both an anonymous Art Saint Mary's esteemed rivals dorms and Oliver Hall, the entire gin to offer contraceptive services History professor and some Resi have graciously agreed to accept the campus will be demolished to make under the Affordable Care Act. Of into dent Advisors have confirmed that displaced students into their bo room for the massive Moraga Zoo. course, this redevelopment will the rumors are true, and that the som. However, there is not enough The new zoo plan boasts acres of not occur until after the usual two Sections closure will take effect May 1, 2014. room forthe Saint Mary's students grassy land for the feral cats to to four years it takes the Moraga BY BECK SANDERS We're not really sure when this in the dorms, so the newcomers will frolic. In an interview with Da development committee to actually Assis. DIGITAL MANAGING EDITOR decision was made or who voted on have to construct a shantytown on Kullejuhn, an anonymous Moraga approve something that the College it, nor has Da Kullejuhn confirmed the edge of campus with the furni townspersoncloselyinvolvedin the wants to do. With the announcement of the it with official sources, but what we ture moved from their old school. development of the zoo said that Moraga residents can now closure of Saint Mary's College, do know is that everyone should In addition, a Gonzaga representa the park will also have a stage where breathe a sigh of relief that the Moraga town residents are eager start panicking now. It is clearthat tive said that the school will force feral cats will be trained to perform College, a nuisance to their mild to see the College's new redevelop this decision has been underway the Saint Mary's refugees to prove tricks like jumping through flam Moragan lives, will now be gone ment plan. For years, some Moraga for some time, because the Plan of their allegiance to their new col ing hoops and doing complicated forever. Students are welcome to residents have complained of the Strategic Excellence also includes lege by publicly burning all Saint astrophysics equations while danc stage protests, but that really will presence of over 2,000 predomi a breakdown of what will happen Mary's clothing and paraphernalia, ing the electric slide. People can not change anything. The best thing nantly upper-middle class liberal to the displaced students and the and submitting to an extensive expect that someone will soon to do now is cry and start brushing arts college students ruining their abandoned campus. Due to May 1 brainwashing procedure where produce a documentary about the up on your knowledge of Spokane city; but now residents are angry serving as the date of closure, finals they must watch reruns of Gonzaga mistreatment of feral show cats history in preparation for May 1. at the College's announcement to turn its 20-something residence halls into Section 8 public housing Cross goes bye-bye again, will return before May 1 beginning May 1. "These places are truly a dump," BY.DRACO MALFOY thing's off." said Abdul Hafeez Anderson, Con MY FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS! Prompted by concerns from tra Costa County Planning Com the community, Campus Facili missioner. "These buildings are Just two weeks after its tri ties re-examined the Cross, and not only some of the shabbiest in umphant return, Saint Mary's found that both its dimensions the county, but they were only a College's beloved and iconic and proportions were complete few weeks away from being served Victoria Cross is once again ly incorrect. In a pigeon-carrier a condemnation notice. They're coming down. This time, it is exchange with Da Kullejuhn, perfect for public housing." not the fierce Moraga winds, but Hafeez Anderson cited a num Campus Facilities. ber of issues with nearly all of Saint The return of the Cross was The invention of the Mary's residence halls, chiefly with a glorious day for the College, the outbreak of endemic black and it was all professionally and shovel was ground mold. The Campus Dormitory As elegantly documented by this breaking, but it was the signment Bureau, however, pre newspaper. However, shortly af fers to use the term "gentle spring ter the non-ceremony, students invention of the broom dampness." and staff could be seen craning that swept the nation. James T. Kirk/USS ENTERPRISE "We are sad to see the college their necks and squinting their of basic aesthetic proportions Unfortunately, the -news of students go," said Moses Dos San eyes in the sun as they looked for centuries, and it just slipped the Cross has not been kept tos, the current Vice Provost of the at the Cross. It soon became Professor Seymour Butz of their minds." within the mHd hills of Moraga, Campus Dormitory Assignment apparent that something was the Math Department angrily Aside· from "looking lopsid and in a recent interview with Bureau. "How students paid al amiss. decried the total ignorance of ed," as one student described L'Osservatore, the Vatican's of most the same amount in rent for "It looks funny," students be Fibonaccian principles in the ·it, the flawed dimensions of the ficial newspaper, Pope Francis what they could get for a Victorian gan to murmur. Scratching his Cross' design. "They've com Cross also impairs it structur derided the College, saying, in the Inner Sunset, I have no idea chin, Brother Gulliver mused, pletely forgotten the Golden ally, leaving it vulnerable to "How can they teach the Catho how we got away with it all these "Something's not right. Some- Ratio. It's been the foundation falling over once again. see BIG MISTAKE, page 1402 see DAMPNESS, page 1402 69 DA KULLEJUHN • TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 DAKULLEJUHN.NET 'DEM INSIDE PAGES Doe Saint Mary's to welcome Cats-Fo-Yo-Grass to campus BY POEDA DENVER WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS The Great Goat Escape is so last year. This year, Saint Mary's College has employed cats to clean up the overgrown grass down by the lower townhouses. Cats are smaller, make less noise and mess, and just simply make more sense. College officials wanted Saint Mary's students to know that these cats will be here 71Ba J!ullejubn FORMERLY OF SAINT MARY'S COLLEGE What is it called when 1865 Winner Batman skips Mass? Kentucky Fair Pie Eating Contest 13th Best of Show Christian Bale. P.O. Box 5555 Moraga, North Korea 2014 to work, not to be used as furry 420 Catacombs therapy. Benedict Cumbercat, owner of Cats-Fo-Yo-Grass, Telephone: No.