The Collegian

Volume 111 2013-2014 Article 22

4-1-2014

Volume 111, Number 22 - Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Saint Mary's College of California

Follow this and additional works at: https://digitalcommons.stmarys-ca.edu/collegian

Part of the Higher Education Commons

Recommended Citation Saint Mary's College of California (2014) "Volume 111, Number 22 - Tuesday, April 1, 2014," The Collegian: Vol. 111 , Article 22. Available at: https://digitalcommons.stmarys-ca.edu/collegian/vol111/iss1/22

This Issue is brought to you for free and open access by Saint Mary's Digital Commons. It has been accepted for inclusion in The Collegian by an authorized editor of Saint Mary's Digital Commons. For more information, please contact [email protected]. MORAGA, NORTH KOREA VOLUME 111, NUMBER 14 TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 DAKULLEJUHN.NET TWITTER: @DAKULLEJUHN • HASHTAG: #(HECKIT

The ruinors are true: Saint Mary's College INSIDE THIS to be closed for unreleased reasons WEEK'S EDITION Unexpected closure assumed PAGE 69 to be part of Everyone only cares about Crime Beat mysterious "Strategic Plari of Excellence" OoooP1N10N PAGE 420 Articles that make BY SECNARF ARAS ONE COOL CAT people mad at us

Recently, emails concerning an NIC::KELB~\C::K unclear "Plan of Strategic Excel­ lence" have been circulating the !f' ,, campus, stirring about rumors of NOT DETOUR PAGE 1402 what this plan really entails. Ac­ cordingto its informational page on Walk, walk, fashion the College's website, the plan "is baby. Werk it gurl designed to gaelvanize the College community around a gaelpelling gaelvision and future possibilities for continued gaellectual vibrancy, financial gaelitude, and gaelova­ PAGEO tion." Some believed this meant IF vou ARE READING THIS, send help. I have been under Da Kullejuhn's couch for 15 years with no chance to escape. (Brad Pitt/DA KU LLEJ UHN) a campus-wide extermination of will be canceled, but students will basketball victories and YouTube entitled "Blackcat." The official Sports sports sports the feral cats, while others feared be required to remain on campus clips of bulldogs being adorable. also said that the Saint Mary's and basketball an end to Sundae Sundays. throughout the months of May Following the evacuation of all lower townhouse tradition of a Da Kullejuhn investigated this and June to help move out and load furniture and students, construc­ human petting zoo will continue Plan of Strategic Excellence and furniture onto moving trucks. The tion crews will flock to campus to in some form. Since the dorms will Dorms to be discovered that it is actually a front furniture and students will then begin a massive new redevelop­ remain intact, the WealthandHell­ for a plan to close Saint Mary's be delivered to their new school: ment plan that follows Moraga ness Center will be converted to a converted College permanently. Within the Gonzaga. city code. With exception of the Moraga-based clinic that will be­ past week, both an anonymous Art Saint Mary's esteemed rivals dorms and Oliver Hall, the entire gin to offer contraceptive services History professor and some Resi­ have graciously agreed to accept the campus will be demolished to make under the Affordable Care Act. Of into dent Advisors have confirmed that displaced students into their bo­ room for the massive Moraga Zoo. course, this redevelopment will the rumors are true, and that the som. However, there is not enough The new zoo plan boasts acres of not occur until after the usual two Sections closure will take effect May 1, 2014. room forthe Saint Mary's students grassy land for the feral cats to to four years it takes the Moraga BY BECK SANDERS We're not really sure when this in the dorms, so the newcomers will frolic. In an interview with Da development committee to actually Assis. DIGITAL MANAGING EDITOR decision was made or who voted on have to construct a shantytown on Kullejuhn, an anonymous Moraga approve something that the College it, nor has Da Kullejuhn confirmed the edge of campus with the furni­ townspersoncloselyinvolvedin the wants to do. With the announcement of the it with official sources, but what we ture moved from their old school. development of the zoo said that Moraga residents can now closure of Saint Mary's College, do know is that everyone should In addition, a Gonzaga representa­ the park will also have a stage where breathe a sigh of relief that the Moraga town residents are eager start panicking now. It is clearthat tive said that the school will force feral cats will be trained to perform College, a nuisance to their mild to see the College's new redevelop­ this decision has been underway the Saint Mary's refugees to prove tricks like jumping through flam­ Moragan lives, will now be gone ment plan. For years, some Moraga for some time, because the Plan of their allegiance to their new col­ ing hoops and doing complicated forever. Students are welcome to residents have complained of the Strategic Excellence also includes lege by publicly burning all Saint astrophysics equations while danc­ stage protests, but that really will presence of over 2,000 predomi­ a breakdown of what will happen Mary's clothing and paraphernalia, ing the electric slide. People can not change anything. The best thing nantly upper-middle class liberal to the displaced students and the and submitting to an extensive expect that someone will soon to do now is cry and start brushing arts college students ruining their abandoned campus. Due to May 1 brainwashing procedure where produce a documentary about the up on your knowledge of Spokane city; but now residents are angry serving as the date of closure, finals they must watch reruns of Gonzaga mistreatment of feral show cats history in preparation for May 1. at the College's announcement to turn its 20-something residence halls into Section 8 public housing Cross goes bye-bye again, will return before May 1 beginning May 1. "These places are truly a dump," BY.DRACO MALFOY thing's off." said Abdul Hafeez Anderson, Con­ MY FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS! Prompted by concerns from tra Costa County Planning Com­ the community, Campus Facili­ missioner. "These buildings are Just two weeks after its tri­ ties re-examined the Cross, and not only some of the shabbiest in umphant return, Saint Mary's found that both its dimensions the county, but they were only a College's beloved and iconic and proportions were complete­ few weeks away from being served Victoria Cross is once again ly incorrect. In a pigeon-carrier a condemnation notice. They're coming down. This time, it is exchange with Da Kullejuhn, perfect for public housing." not the fierce Moraga winds, but Hafeez Anderson cited a num­ Campus Facilities. ber of issues with nearly all of Saint The return of the Cross was The invention of the Mary's residence halls, chiefly with a glorious day for the College, the outbreak of endemic black and it was all professionally and shovel was ground mold. The Campus Dormitory As­ elegantly documented by this breaking, but it was the signment Bureau, however, pre­ newspaper. However, shortly af­ fers to use the term "gentle spring ter the non-ceremony, students invention of the broom dampness." and staff could be seen craning that swept the nation. James T. Kirk/USS ENTERPRISE "We are sad to see the college their necks and squinting their of basic aesthetic proportions Unfortunately, the -news of students go," said Moses Dos San­ eyes in the sun as they looked for centuries, and it just slipped the Cross has not been kept tos, the current Vice Provost of the at the Cross. It soon became Professor Seymour Butz of their minds." within the mHd hills of Moraga, Campus Dormitory Assignment apparent that something was the Math Department angrily Aside· from "looking lopsid­ and in a recent interview with Bureau. "How students paid al­ amiss. decried the total ignorance of ed," as one student described L'Osservatore, the Vatican's of­ most the same amount in rent for "It looks funny," students be­ Fibonaccian principles in the ·it, the flawed dimensions of the ficial newspaper, Pope Francis what they could get for a Victorian gan to murmur. Scratching his Cross' design. "They've com­ Cross also impairs it structur­ derided the College, saying, in the Inner Sunset, I have no idea chin, Brother Gulliver mused, pletely forgotten the Golden ally, leaving it vulnerable to "How can they teach the Catho­ how we got away with it all these "Something's not right. Some- Ratio. It's been the foundation falling over once again. see BIG MISTAKE, page 1402 see DAMPNESS, page 1402 69 DA KULLEJUHN • TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 DAKULLEJUHN.NET 'DEM INSIDE PAGES Doe Saint Mary's to welcome Cats-Fo-Yo-Grass to campus

BY POEDA DENVER WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

The Great Goat Escape is so last year. This year, Saint Mary's College has employed cats to clean up the overgrown grass down by the lower townhouses. Cats are smaller, make less noise and mess, and just simply make more sense. College officials wanted Saint Mary's students to know that these cats will be here 71Ba J!ullejubn FORMERLY OF SAINT MARY'S COLLEGE What is it called when 1865 Winner Batman skips Mass? Kentucky Fair Pie Eating Contest 13th Best of Show Christian Bale. P.O. Box 5555 Moraga, North Korea 2014 to work, not to be used as furry 420 Catacombs therapy. Benedict Cumbercat, owner of Cats-Fo-Yo-Grass, Telephone: No. informs students that "these Twitter: @dakullejuhn cats are highly trained. They are Courtesy of dailymai l.co.uk Website: dakullejuhn.net NOT for your enjoyment or use. will be pitted against the Cats­ campus. Before their departure, in the Soda Center on April Please leave them to their work." Fo-Yo- Grass cats to see who the Cat-Fo-Yo-Grass cats will 29 before the College closes T-MOBILE CHARKICK Despite this setback, the cats is the most gangsta. Students appear in a social justice piece forever. The cats will all be pre­ ANNA WINTOUR will have a greatly positive im­ will be able to watch and bet in Saint Mary's College Dance sented tiny sombreros with the Mom&Dad pact on Saint Mary's. Other than on winners. The loser of each Company's spring production. inscription "Many thanks fur cleaning up the grass, the cats match will be thrown off campus The collaboration of dancers your purr-feet work!" to com­ AD DIGGER will also be used for ridding the in shame and must sustain the and cats will bring awareness to memorate their contributions to Makes da Money campus of its pesky and inferior punishment of living with the the deeply pervasive issues of our campus. Their service here feral cats. During the first week­ scariest cats around - the cats cat culture - hairball buildup, will be one step for Saint Mary's BEYONCE end in May, Campus Activities of the popular musical "Cats." loss of territory, and awareness campus as it prepares for its Grammar Boss Board will be hosting cat rap They will also be useful to of the tail in space. closure, but an even bigger step battles, in which the feral cats the dance department here on A farewell dinner will be held for cat-kind. ASH KETCHUM Quack Master DAMPNESS: Public housing units popular with Baypoint refugees MATT THE CAT With a Hat continued from the big page

CHEESE STRINGER years. The conversion to public sought after by Pittsburg/BayPoint Opinion Padawan housing will hurt our bottom line, residents seeking another locale but we're glad that we'll still be able that is equally distant from BART MRS. JAMES FRANCO to be in business after the closure." lines. Dos Santos and the rest of the Done Before 12 The current plan calls for all Campus Dormitory Assignment residents to move out by 5 p.m. on Bureau will continue to manage ELEVEN MINESTRONE April 30. With the relocation of the properties and will continue Sliiiiide to the Left many students to the previously­ to utilize a Babylonian-era lottery #Update NSA says agerits 'greatly en1oy all of reported shantytown at Gonzaga process in determining unit place­ CONDOR University in Spokane, Wash., the ment. the S'.1apctiats pouring o...1t of SMC on weekends, Basically a Superhero dormitories will undergo some mi­ Moraga residents are not pleased and weanesdays a' RoundJp #Cnecklt nor paintwork so as to conceal the about the change, however. Few of LAKERSFAN "gentle spring dampness" mold them could have imagined such #Update: #New #fariTerm t .. ave co...1rses China Moon Aficionado and somewhat approach health a drastic economic change that d'"'nourced me ud111g #Vic:,it1rg #Profosc;o #B I codes. Afterward, all Contra Costa would have a more detrimental #C rito l's course to #NorthKorea. #CrieckL TED NUGENT County residents will be able to use impact on the town of Moraga than Creep creep public dollars to subsidize the oth­ a school of higher education. How­ erwise unjustifiable rent. The new ever, there's little for them to do Da Kullejuhn is the official newspaper of housing units are purportedly well anything about it at this point. the former Saint Mary's College of California before itwasshutdown by the Plan ofStrategic Excellence. Da Kullejuhn is published only on Wednesdays at 4:20 p.m. when the planets are aligned and it is an exact 56.6 degrees 'Dat Hoodrat Fahrenheit. Da Kullejuhn's Editorial Board is Stuff comprised ofliterate feral cats who pass as hu­ man beings because they have evolved oppos­ 4/1/14 4:20 a.m. 4/1/14 8:15 p.m. is it Freitas, we.'11 never know); to levitate his Math professor and able thumbs. When we aren't causing a ruckus ended up actually successfully on the daily, weenjoydrinkingmargaritaspool Incident: Breaking Bad Incident~ Weird stuff referred to Food Network. side, jamming lo Nickleback, and using our Synopsis: Meth lab found in Thille Synopsis: Five goat-sized cats and levitating the professor out the printing stipend to spend long weekends at townhouse; referred to Chemistry six cat-sized goats found conduct­ 4/1/14 4:49 p.m. window and on top of the roof; the Four Seasons Hotel in Tora Bora. Incident: Student handbook vio­ referred to ... wait, you actually If you want to write for us or submit an Department. ing a pagan ritual in the Redwood advertisement, we accept sacrificial offerings Grove under the light of a full lation don't believe this, do you? of freshly cut purple tulips, black cats with 4/1/14 ll:ll p.m moon; referred no one, because Synopsis: Obnoxious behavior while feel, and Petrarchan sonnets about our reported in Assumption Hall; but 4/1/14 3:34 p.m. marvelous flowing locks of hair and impec­ Incident: Life choices who really wants to deal with that? cable fashion style. Ifyou want to send a Letter Synopsis:Studentboughalargeabun­ what else is new? Incident: What? lo the Editor we would prefer that you did not. dance of chocolate and wine at CVS; 4/1/14 8:00 am. Synopsis: Public Safety threw The other day, I was fired from my job at the to Incident: Noise violation 4/1/14 5:55 a huge party in main office, had calendar factory. l can't understand why- all referred stress therapy and Netflix. a.m. I did was take a day off! Synopsis: Student cited for loudly Incident: Grand theft auto to be cited by Moraga Police for 4/1/14 3:89 a.m. complaining that it was too early Synopsis: Two raccoons broke noise violation, too many people Incident: Juvenile anarchy in the morning to go to class as he into a car, hotwired it, and took in a room, and possession of drug Synopsis: One boy with a light­ sipped his venti Americano and it on a joyride through Moraga paraphernalia; referred to... well, ning-shaped scar on forehead shuffled along in his Toms shoes; and picked up some Taco Bell on it was going to happen sooner or found waving a wooden stick at referred to a reality check and his the way back to campus. Car was later. locked catacombs entrance in an mother. unharmed except for a cheesy attempt to break in; referred to gordita crunched stuffed into the 4/1/14 25:67 a.m. air conditioning unit; referred to Incident: Paranormal Activity "A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away Mission and Ministry Center. 4/1/14 6:30 p.m. In mild Moraga born and raised Incident: Fire alarm disbelief Synopsis: Ghosts attacking resi­ Reading Da Kullejuhn on the daily 4/1/14 12:30 p.m. Synopsis: Some dumb kid decided dents in Aquinas Hall and gener­ It's gelling hot in here that he was the new Bobby Flay ally causing mischief; referred to So take offall your clothes Incident: Grammatical assault 4/1/14 2:30 p.m. Nothing go/dean stay Synopsis: Student slapped for not and decided to cook a complicated Incident: More weird stuff the Ghost Busters This quotes makes no sense using Oxford comma; referred to gourmet meal and burned down Synopsis: Student arrested after Taco Cal" the English Department. the entire Fritos townhouse (or he claimed he was a Jedi and tried -ALBERT EINSTEIN MORAGA, CALIFORNIA VOLUME 111, NUMBER 22 TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 STMARYSCOLLEGIAN.COM TWITTER: @SMC_COLLEGIAN FACEBOOK.COM/SMCCOLLEGIAN

Four faces, four eras represented in "Antigone(s)" ALSO INSIDE Spring production melds text and questions about human character adjustments

BY CHARLIE GUESE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Human civilization continues to evolve throughout the ages, and while eras, societies, cultures, and moral standards may change, does human character change as well? Town of Moraga leaves This is just one question that the students with nothing to do Performing Arts Department will address this week with its spring production of"Antigone(s)." Seminar students may remember reading the original Sophocles trag­ SPORTS PAGE 7 edy in which Antigone, Oedipus' daughter, seeks a proper burial Baseball climbs to 5-1 for her slain brother Polyneices in in conference play spite of her uncle Creon's refus­ als. However, the Performing Arts Department's production adds an More news online at additional S to the name, signify­ st ma ryscol legia n .com ing an adaption of Antigone into a multi-faced character throughout the ages. Director Frank Murray has mination, empowerment, and blended the Sophocles version of anti-establishment are themes that Antigone along with that ofBertolt are applicable to nearly all time Brecht, the German turn-of-the­ periods, giving relevance to the four century dramatist playwright, as portrayals of the same character. well as other sources in order to Ricci related the timelessness of the create a script that is not found text with its somewhat prominent anywhere else. The four Antigones placement in the Saint Mary's cur­ shift from the traditional Greek one riculum. "We have the Great Books (portrayed by Haley Leitman), to program to begin with, so the fact an Antigone placed in World War that we're still reading Antigone I (Nakia Gibbs), to a contemporary shows that there is relevance to this Antigone (Sam Ricci), and into the text and to our students. I think, future in a digital Antigone (Kalise perhaps not dying for what you Ahern). The ensemble cast also believe in, but standing up for some­ shifts between the four different thing and believing in it is really eras in the midst of adjusting to important, especially to the Saint changes in era-specific circum­ Mary's community," Ricci said. stances, and a reportedlywitty cho­ Both actors interviewed ex­ rus weaves the narratives together SAM R1cc1 AND MICHAEL KuzMACK perform in an ensemble cast of a multifaceted production of Sophocles' "Antigone." (Courtesy of Michael Cook) pressed excitement at playing a to form only one set of characters character that they view as an ad­ represented through multiple faces. plurality of characters. "They're going to continue on and oh. Even tionalAntigone has to deal with the vocate for social change, especially "She's one character just put into going for the same thing - ulti­ though these people are from the laws and religion that she was living with the adaptation's Brechtian in­ different situations," said Sam Ricci mately, they all want to do what's past or the future, it's a continuous in, and she also has other limits put fluence. "She pushes people to move in an interview with The Collegian. right, honor their brother, and experience." upon her because she's a woman, forward," Leitman said, extrapolat­ Ricci's portrayal ofAntigone is set in bury Polynices," Leitman said. Ricci also addressed the dif­ and in that time, women didn't have ing the themes of the production a post-September 11 timeframe that "But it's a collaborative effort. It's fering perspectives that the four a lot of agency oftheir own, whereas into the surrounding community accounts for changes in authority an ensemble-based cast, so it's one viewpoints place on the audience. my Antigone is very feminist. She and the contemporary society in figures and her own personal goals. voice, but for multiple different "[The modern Antigone] has a dif­ reminds me of an activist...." which we live. "She pushes people In a separate interview, Haley perspectives. It's commenting on ferent kind of agency in that the Antigone is one of the stron­ to question authority, and I think Leitman, who portrays the tradi­ howeachofus could be an Antigone traditional Antigone is driven by an ger female characters in classical we do need to question authority tional Antigone, elaborated on the and how this story doesn't end. It's outward force," Ricci said. "Tradi- literature, and her story of deter- see ANTIGONE, page 3 Gloria Schaab explores how science and religion may unite Presentation explores how the two may be used to discuss the other in context

BY CJ COSAS logian, as well as an associate ence and religion. Rather than disciplines can actually be used related than many would think. NEWS EDITOR professor of systematic theol­ further dichotomizing these "as lenses or contexts for one In an interview with The ogy who teaches both graduate two ideas, Professor Schaab's another." Her program descrip­ Collegian, she emphasized that This Thursday, April 3, and undergraduate classes on a tion says that the presentation the one thing she would want Saint Mary's will be welcom­ variety of subjects in theology: "explores how the insights of students to learn is that science ing Professor Gloria L. Schaab subjects include theology of God The insights of each each discipline can deepen one's and religion does not have to as she gives her presentation as Trinity, on Christology (the discipline can deepen understanding and appreciation be in conflict with one another. titled "Theology and Science study of Jesus Christ), and on one's understanding of the mystery of God and the She said, "I would want stu­ in Context: Seeing from Where Pneumatology (the study of the cosmos." She will explore during dents to know that belief in the We Stand." Traveling all the Holy Spirit), and others. and appreciation. her presentation how these two theology of God as Creator and way from Barry University in The presentation will explore stances can be explored in new acceptance of an evolutionary Florida, Professor Schaab is the relationship between two presentation takes the oppor­ and surprising ways and that account of the universe need a Catholic evolutionary theo- seemingly opposing forces: sci- tunity to show how both these perhaps the two are more inter- see THEOLOGY, page 2 2 THE COLLEGIAN • TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 STMARYSCOLLEGIAN.COM THE INSIDE PAGE THEOLOGY: science and religion are not mutually exclusive ideas continued from page 1 Christian theology that studies age, especially to the students well as the Associate Dean for and interprets Christian faith whom I teach." General Education, College of not be in conflict and can be and doctrine with the goal of In addition to being a profes­ Arts and Sciences. Her presen­ mutually enriching." She cited formulating an orderly and sor at Barry University, Gloria tation "Theology and Science in the Catechism of the Catholic coherent expression of belief." L. Schaab is also the Director of Context: Seeing from Where We Church as she pointed out that it As a systematic theologian, Graduate Programs in Theology Stand" will be given on Thurs­ acknowledges the vast number Professor Schaab stressed that and Ministry in the Department day, April 3, at 7:30 p.m. in the of scientific discoveries that part of her job is to interpret of Theology and Philosophy, as Chapel. have made progress toward and present God and Christian­ understanding the beginning ity in an accessible way that fits of the world and the universe. the contemporary culture that As the Catechism indicates, needs access to it. though, these discoveries do She said that, "Since language, not necessarily have to disprove knowledge, concepts, and cul­ God, as they can instead lead tures change over time, as a Set your own hours to fit your availabi ity • $12/hr to s a \!tbe QCollegian people to understand and more systematic theologian, I strive SAINT MARY'S COLLEGE OF CALIFORNIA deeply appreciate the extent of to communicate the eternal ocal Online Web Based t>u ·ne$$..OrtlineCEUcredJt com God's works. truths of God and of the Chris­ P.O. Box 4407 Professor Schaab later stated tian tradition in words, images, A Great Resume Bui1der Moraga, CA 94575 that she felt it was important concepts, and experiences that mail Resi.:. an0>'0 Quetions to . 206 Ferroggiaro Hall for students especially to learn are accessible and meaningful [email protected] about theology because she to people of faith in this day and www.strnaryscollegian.com believes that "God has a deep Email: [email protected] relevance and significance for their lives." She cited Saint Telephone: (925) 631-4279 Thomas Aquinas as she ex­ Facebook.com/smccollegian plained that as people learn Twitter: @SMC_Collegian more deeply about God, they are also learning about "God's SARA DESANTIS relationship with creation and CHARLIE GUESE all of its creatures." Which she Edi tors-in-Chief stated is important because it leads students - and people ISABELLA HAYDEN in general - to start looking at Business Manager the questions of human exis­ tence and meaning. She stated ALEXA GAMBERO that by exploring these ideas Copy Editor of meaning and why everything exists, that, "The hope is that SHAWNY ANDERSON the study of theology creates a Faculty Adviser dynamic experience which leads to knowledge about God, self, CJCOSAS and others within a particular News Editor religious tradition and where reflection on that knowledge MATT RINGARD leads to service to others in just Opinion Editor and responsible ways." At this moment, Professor TORI STRINGER Schaab is currently working on Assistant Opinion Editor "a new book on the mystery of God and suffering under con­ MAHSA DINYARI tract with Anselm Academic." Culture Editor As both a Catholic evolution­ ary theologian and a professor Exciting new positions on the Editorial Staff EVELYN MINAISE of systematic theology, she are now open. The Collegian is currently hiring Assistant Culture Editor explained that these two things explain her own religious tradi­ for a new Assistant News Editor. The position is DANIEL CONMY tion, her academic profession, Sports Editor and the interpretive lens that an excellent way to gain experience and become she used for this presentation. more involved. For more information and to apply, EMILIO BUENROSTRO She stated that a principal in­ Assistant Sports Editor terpretive lens that she uses look closer at stmaryscollegian.com/join . as part of her work and also ANDREW NGUYEN as part of her presentation is Chief Photographer through "evolutionary theory and quantum physics." She fur­ Look closer Applications available at ther explained that, "systematic \!tbe

The Collegian is the official newspaper of Saint Mary's College, publislred weekly, except during examination periods and academic recesses. The Collegian reserves the right to hold and edit Crime Beat all submitted materials, solicited and unsolicit­ ed. The Collegian's Editorial Board is comprised of all oversight staff members. Other opinions 03/20/2014 2:00 p.m. 03/22/2014 9:10 a.m. 03/24/2014 7:41 a.m. 03/26/2014 4:45 p.m. expressed are not necessarily endorsed by The Incident: Information Incident: Fire Alarm Incident: Water Flow Damage Incident: Petty Theft Collegian, its contributors and/ or advertisers. Synopsis: Hit and run vehicle Synopsis: False alarm - no fire, and Flooding Synopsis: Missing Computer Advertisers do not necessarily reflect the view of The Collegian. The Collegian strives for ac­ incident in Soda Center Upper smoke, or scorching - alarm Synopsis: Water sprinkler head mouse from office in Dante Hall; curacy and fairness in the reporting of news. If Parking Lot; closed reset in Galileo Hall; referred to broken off by accident, damage referred to ITS a report is wrong or misleading, a request for a Facilities Services to Augustine Hall 1st and ground correction or clarification may be made. 03/21/2014 2:55 p.m. floors; referred to Campus Hous­ 03/27/2014 9:30 p.m. Incident: Information 03/23/2014 2:30 a.m. ing Incident: Unlawful Entry/Mis­ Synopsis: Stalking incident from Incident: Medical Assist chievous Conduct non-student in Guerrieri West; Synopsis: Intoxicated student 03/26/2014 (Incident Oc- Synopsis: Room found in disar­ ~- suspended transported to John Muir Hospi­ curred 3/5/14@ 2:10 p.m.) ray in Justin Hall; referred to

"' ,.. ~ ,. ~, tal from Augustine Hall; referred Incident: Theft of Parking Per­ Community Life ' -::. -"' t·~~· "'< '"'· ~~ ,,~": ,<;' 03/22/2014 1:50 a.m. to Community Life and Facilities mit ·. Incident: Student Handbook Services Synopsis: Removed permit from 03/28/2014 12:34 a.m. ''To act upon one's convictions Violation another vehicle to avoid getting Incident: Student Handbook while others wait, Synopsis: Underage possession/ 03/23/2014 8:00 p.m. a citation - theft incident oc­ Violation To create apositiveforce in a world consumption of alcohol and Incident: Fire Alarm curred off campus; referred to Synopsis: Marijuana and tam­ where cynics abound, To provide information to people noise violation in Augustine Synopsis: False alarm - no fire, Community Life pering with a smoke detector in when it wasn't available before, Hall; referred to Community smoke, or scorching - alarm Freitas Hall; referred to Commu­ To offer those who want it, Life reset in Syufy Hall; referred to nity Life and Facilities Services a choice-"' -TED TURNER Facilities Services STMARYSCOLLEGIAN.COM THE COLLEGIAN • TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 3 NEWS Because there's a whole Beyond the Bubble world out there ... Campus California rat poison sales building regulations of the state the role of the Phantom. Lewis' new record-breaking endeavor, to encounter restrictions are being questioned. Washing­ performance in "The Gershwins' the Guinness World Record Calendar The California Department of ton residents have began pres­ Porgy and Bess" earned him a guidelines capped the amount Pesticide Regulation has plans suring their representatives for Tony nomination in 2005. He of people able to participate to Woodrow Wilson Visiting Fel­ to control the sale of certain rat housing reform that monitors will reunite with Sierra Boggess, around 350. Starbucks, Monster, lows: Jeffrey Brown and Paula poisons starting July 1. Select landslide activity and prevents who will play Christine, for their and Diabolo are sponsoring the Crawford pesticide products made from building in dangerous areas. first time since their roles as event. Zeta Phi _Rho emphasized Tuesday, April 1 at 7:00 p.rn. brodifacoum, bromadiolone, di­ King Triton and Ariel in "The that while they are trying to Wednesday, April 2 at Community fenacoum, or difethialone will be San Jose homeless camps Little Mermaid" in 2008. Though break a record, the bigger picture Time and 6:30-9:00 p.rn. taken off of the shelves and will bring citywide problems Lewis is the first African-Amer­ is that they are trying to help Contact Nancy Clark only be available for purchased California environmental and ican actor to play the role of the and make a difference in their x4111 by trained pest-control profes­ wildlife officials have filed an Phantom on Broadway, other community. The event is set to sionals with a state-issued pur­ official complaint against the African-American men have happen on Friday. As Seen on Youtube! chasing license. Such substances city of San Jose, claiming that played the part in off-Broadway Tuesday, April 1 have had lethal effects on non­ the trash and debris at the city's productions. Lewis' opening Comedy duo posts second 7:00p.rn. target species, such as the coyote, homeless camps are jeopardizing night is set for May 12. "Kimye" spoof Intercultural Center barn owl, and the San Joaquin kit the Coyote Creek waterway. This James Franco and Seth Rogen Contact CAB fox. The Department hopes that violation of the state's Clean Wa­ USC fraternity attempts released a Photoshopped image x4146 this sales regulation will protect ter Act could gather fines of over to break sandwich making of Kim Kardashian and Kanye California wildlife, and is cur­ $100,000. The city of San Jose record West's Vogue magazine cover. Theatre Production: rently relaying the message to claims to be lacking the proper Zeta Phi Rho's USC chapter The comedians' portrayal of the "Antigone(s)" retailers all over the state. resources to tidy up around the is working in coordination with so-called "#worldsmosttalked­ Wednesday, April 2 through Sun­ creek, but the state does not the University's Special Events aboutcouple" features Franco as day, April 6 Washington landslide vic­ show any signs of coming to their Committee in an attempt to West and Rogen as Kardashian, 8:00 p.m. Wedensday-Saturday, tims still missing aid. Police have reported that break the world record for the the same roles they played last 2:00 p.m. Sunday The death toll of the devastat­ the city has refused in the past most sandwiches made in one November in their parody of Le Fevre Theatre ing landslide that hit Oso, Wash. to clean up its homeless camps. hour. Along with other partici­ West's "Bound 2" music video. Contact Performing Arts Depart­ on March 22 has most recently Currently, San Jose has the fifth pants, the frat and the committee The real cover photo of "Kimye" ment been reported at 18. The search highest homeless population in are hoping to make 20,000 ham (Kirn and Kanye) shows the x4670 for bodies has been ongoing, but America. and cheese sandwiches to break soon-to-be-married Kardashi­ officials have recently released the record, which they will then an in a Lanvin wedding gown Moraga Information Session­ a statement saying that some Norm Lewis to become donate to homeless people living with her fiance's arms wrapped M.S. in Accounting of the victims may never be Broadway's first African­ on Skid Row in downtown Los around her in the background. Wednesday, April 2 found. In addition, the suspected American Phantom Angeles. The current Guinness The Franco-Rogen spoof photo 6:00-7:30 p.m. number of missing people has Tony nominee Norm Lewis World Record for sandwiches has merited close to half a mil­ Hagerty Lounge decreased from 90 to 30. While will join the cast of "The Phan­ made in one hour is set at 5,721. lion likes on Facebook. Kimye's RSVP on SMC Website the rescue teams and search tom of the Opera" as the first While there were over 450 peo­ edition on Vogue was released Contact smcmba@stmarys-ca. dogs continue digging, the home African-American to be cast in ple signed up to help with the early last week. edu

ANTIGONE: SMC Presents Bay Area Poets Wednesday, April 2 Performance 6:30-9:30 p.rn. Hagerty Lounge travels across Contact Raina Leon time x4369 continued from page 1 Student Success Portal Drop-In Information Session nowadays, because there are a lot Thursday, April 3 of problems in Saint Mary's, in 3:30-5:00 p.m. the world, in California, and in the Garaventa 240 United States, so I think if people Contact Tracy Pascua Dea take that element out of the play, x4349 they'll be able to translate it into their own daily lives." Theology and Science in Con­ As is not unusual of Saint Mary's text: Seeing from Where We performances, this year's produc­ Stand tion of "Antigone(s)" discernably Thursday, April 3 takes a direction on the familiar 7:30p.m. story that can be found in no other SMC Chapel script, though both Leitman and Contact David Gentry-Akin Ricci, who are graduating seniors, [email protected] expressed excitement at the op­ portunity to join the ensemble Saturday of Service cast and crew in reinvigorating the Saturday, April 5 Sophocles tale into an entertaining 9:00 a.m. - 2:30 p.m. Powerful. Flexible. Practical. and challenging performance for Various Areas audience members with themes Register on SMC Website Azusa Pacific's biblically centered Master of Arts in Youth Ministry (MAYM) program prepares men that are applicable regardless of Contact Damali Burton and women for the specialized field of youth and family ministry. time. Leitman hoped that the "clas­ x4855 sical meaning" of Antigone will Learn from leading experts move audiences, adding "but I also Study under thought leaders in youth and family ministry, such as Jim Burns, Doug Fields, hope they can empathize with the and Mark DeVries. characters and really find them­ selves in these characters. These Flexible format are historical figures. Antigone is a Choose from online courses and one-week summer intensives, or a traditional classroom setting. historical figure, and by bringing her into the present moment, people Hands-on experience can continue on that story." Intentional integration of academic and experiential components enhances learning and The Performing Arts Depart­ advances your career. Planning an event? ment production of "Antigone(s)" runs Wednesday through Satur­ Want it in The Collegian? day at 8 p.m. in LeFevre Theatre, I& For more information on the MAYM program, along with a final performance on E-mail us with the details Mil contact the Graduate Center at (626) 815-4564 or Sunday at 2 p.m. Tickets are $5 for of your event at: AZUSA PACIFIC [email protected], or visit apu.edu/maym/. the Saint Mary's community, $8 [email protected] UNIVERSITY for non-Saint Mary's students and or call for more information: senior citizens, and $10 for general (925) 631-4279 Other degree programs offered: admission. Tickets are available at D.Min. I M.Div. I Pastoral Studies, M.A. I (Theological Studies), M.A. the theater's box office, through Due to space limitations, extension 4670, or at brownpaper­ we cannot list individual tickets.com. club meetings. 4 THE COLLEGIAN • TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 STMARYSCOLLEGIAN.COM CULTURE Tips for navigating internship andjob application season Tips and tricks to help you as you apply for summer jobs and upcoming internship opportunities

BY ANDEE MCKENZIE ing the interview process, make STAFF WRITER sure not to chew gum, play with Tips and Tricks to Win the Job your hair, or do other ticks as "What are you going to do af­ they can be distracting from ter college?" is, by far, the most the process. Also, ask questions. complex and terrifying question Start early. Many applications are due Good questions to ask your to answer as an undergraduate two months prior to the job's start date. employer would be what your student. Those heading straight job description would entail in to graduate school have the detail. Remember that the com­ pleasure of evading this ques­ Have a resume. Keep it clean and t1p to pany also has to condense their tion, but what about everyone date. job description, so make sure else? There is also an inherent you know that everything the pressure that comes with an­ job requires is what you really swering this question. If you do Use online resources. lnternmatch. want. Another great question is choose to answer, you risk that com and Linked In can help narrow ~our Job to ask what the turnaround rate awkward moment five years is, or how long people usually post-graduation when that same search and get connected. stay in the job. person asks you how "x, y, and z" The most important part of are going and you fqrce a smile Interviews. Dress to impress and ask the interview process is to be and say you are "reevaluating yourself. It is likely that you some things." On the flip side, questions. were invited to interview, mean­ if you do not answer, people ing that whoever invited you assume you have no drive. So, Be The interviewer wants to. know the real you. wanted to see and meet you. Af­ how do you win? Here are some yourself. ter your interview, good or bad, tips and tricks when it comes to make sure to send a thank you achieving successful employ­ Add a classy touch. Send a thank you note to your interviewer. card, or some sort of response to ment. your interviewer thanking them The first step on the path to for the opportunity to come in. successful employment is start­ Illustration by Sara DeSantis/COLLEGIAN This is a classy touch that most ing early. Most internships and Applying for internships and are currently employed in and as that sounds, it is one hundred people forget about, but it will jobs ask for applications and jobs can be an extremely over­ get connected. percent true. Not only does it definitely impress your poten­ resumes two months prior to whelmingprocess. Internrnatch. After researching, resume boost your professionalism, tial future employer. the start date of the job. In terms corn and Linkedin are great on­ uploading, and connecting, but it also provides a major Hopefully these tips will help of resumes, make sure yours is line resources in terms of jobs the next step is to interview. confidence boost. Remember, everyone out on their road to a clean and up to date. Employers and internships. Internmatch Interviews can be pretty nerve­ recognize and go with the cul­ successful internship or post­ will recognize that you are an allows its users to narrow down wracking, especially if you are ture of the place in which you graduate career. These are bits undergraduate or recent gradu­ what they are most qualified for not comfortable with talking are interviewing. For example, and pieces of advice that I have ate, so your resume should be by interest, area, and season un­ in front of people or answering if you are interviewing at a cre­ received over the years, and no longer than a page. Keep the til they find the one that is just questions one-on-one about ative, lively, and young startup these tips have recently helped descriptions of your jobs short right. Linkedln has an amazing yourself. Have no fear, there are in the city, wearing an all-black me to be hired for a media in­ and simple, and remember you program that allows you to make many ways to ease the nerves pantsuit may not be the best ternship in San Francisco. So, try can always explain them further a "shout out" to Saint Mary's and have a rocking interview. option in terms of attire, even to keep these tips in mind, and in an interview. alumni and see what fields they First, dress to impress. As cliche though it is professional. Dur- happy job hunting, everyone. The best snaps of the selfie craze Photo-taking technique has become a universal trend

BY EVELYN MINAISE retweets, beating the previ­ him, and many people mark this ASSISTANT CULTURE EDITOR ous record held by President as yet another piece of evidence Obama. Now, people are copying that Pope Francis is one of the Our generation has a selfie DeGeneres' idea by squeezing most progressive popes thus far. obsession. Selfies are taken with as many people into a selfie as "Smart Guys" Presidential a phone or camera by extending possible. selfie: Bill Nye the Science an arm out and taking a photo Jimmy Kimmel's Clinton Guy posted a selfie with Presi­ of yourself and the people, or Selfie: This past week, Kimmel dent Obama and Neil deGrasse things, around you. Analyzing tweeted, "@TheEllenShow - Tyson. With some of the most what that means for today's No Brad Cooper but 3 Clintons intelligent men, this selfie gar­ young people, you'll probably & a Kimmel @BillClinton @ nered a lot of attention among end up with the conclusion that HillaryClinton @ChelseaClin­ the science and politics com­ it means we are self-absorbed or ton #selfie," a very obvious poke munities. incredibly into outward appear­ at the #oscarsselfie. Kimmel Beyonce selfie: A fan at a ances. But you have to admit took the photo after an inter­ concert took a selfie with the hit that selfies have brought a lot view with the Clinton family. music star mid-concert, posted of interesting things to social it on her Turnblr page, and the media. Here are a few of the internet went wild. best selfies since the birth of Our generation has Space selfie: Astronauts are this photography phenomenon: a selfie obsession ... getting in on the selfie hype! A Student Special... "#selfie": It may not actually recent photo taken by Japanese be a photo, but this song by the You can analyze what astronaut Aki Hoshide included Chainsrnokers is just as ridicu­ that means for today's the sun behind him and racked 20°/o OFF lous as the selfie itself. The song up over 3,000 retweets. The All units 9 x 10 or smaller and video follow young women young people, and clever caption.read, "There are as they venture out on a night you'll probably end up selfies, and then, well there are And, these prices will hold for 4 months! on the town together, being sure selfies." to take a selfie every step of the with the conclusion There are so many other fa­ Move i11 with our 5A vtm way. The catchy beat between that it means we mous selfies out there that are FREE wizen you re11t! the funny comments about are self-obsessed gaining popularity by the sec­ i ==*--"'w:J choosing filters makes the song ond, but these are just a few to ~ ·-i:-~· an odd, yet likely, hit. or incredibly into show how enthralled the world .,;';. '•-=-. #oscarsselfie: This selfie set is by the selfie phenomenon. outward appearances. - .•.! records and began a trend to New photos are being uploaded ~ fit as many famous people (or so quickly; surely a new selfie 455 Moraga Road,. St~ F normal people in the copy self­ Selfie with the Pope: Last will become famous in a matter ies) in a single frame as possible. year, Pope Francis participated of days. Keep your eyes out and (925) 631-7000 Ellen DeGeneres' selfie featured in the first-ever "Papal Selfie." maybe your favorite celebrity, nnt on li11e: 5Aspace.rom OJft'f'S Expire /1111.e 30, 2014 movie stars from the Oscars Teenagers who traveled to meet or your very own selfie, will be and generated over 2 million the Pope scored a selfie with the next trend or hit. STMARYSCOLLEGIAN.COM THE COLLEGIAN • TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 5 CULTURE Quinoa: an ode to the superfood and its versatility in cooking is one that is understandably meal of the day? Quinoa hash shocking. Even more shocking is browns. the ease and little time required Traditional hash browns with in cooking quinoa. You can make the added bonus of the nutty a big pot of the fluffy seed and flavor of a superfood? Yes, please. eat it throughout the week as a First, combine 2/ 3 cup water and side dish or mixed with curry and 1/3 cup quinoa and cook. Mix 1 vegetables as a meal. Directions 1/2 cups peeled and grated raw for cooking quinoa can usually be potato with the cooked quinoa, 1 found on its packet, and it can be egg, 1 teaspoon salt, 1/4 teaspoon done in a pot or in a rice cooker pepper, and a few dashes of other - but remember to strain the seasonings on hand (this recipe quinoa before cooking to avoid an used thyme and garlic salt). Once unwanted bitter taste. Those who those ingredients have all been ac­ purchase quinoa that is without quainted with one another, heat a directions A pot of cooked, fluffy large skillet over medium heat and quinoa unlocks the door to a new melt some butter in there. Scoop culinary experience beyond sim­ out about 1/3 of the mixture and ply nuking a Hot Pocket in the drop it onto the skillet, flattening microwave. it out with a spatula. Cook the Are you a fan of oatmeal? Try hash browns for about 5 minutes this easy breakfast recipe instead, on each side until they are a lovely, beginning with heating up left­ crispy golden brown. Repeat the over quinoa in the microwave (or process with the remaining mix­ quickly cooking up a fresh bowl ture. This recipe makes enough Sara DeSantis/COLLEGIAN of quinoa in a pot). Once you have for two people (or just yourself, BY SARA DESANTIS "Quin-what?" but the real ques­ nuts, then it is not pleasing at all your warm quinoa, pour milk over no judgment); and they are deli­ EDITOR-IN-CHIEF tion you should be asking yourself and is actually a turn-off). Quinoa it, and add your toppings. One de­ cious with an egg served over-easy is why you haven't yet added this is the superstar of seeds, and is an licious combination is raspberries or sunny-side-up on top. These Once only found by those brave superfood to your college cooking essential ingredient in any col­ and chopped walnuts with honey also can keep in the refrigerator enough to breach the liminal space repertoire. Even though it's actu­ lege dorm kitchen because of its drizzled over the top. This is a for your late night hash brown between conventional consumer ally a seed, quinoa earns its title versatile uses in cooking. That's unique twist to the usual oatmeal hankerings. groceries like dinosaur chicken as the "mother grain" and "the right - quinoa is actually much in the morning, and can be cus­ Now that you have been"intro­ nuggets and healthy produce like gold of the Incas" for being high more than something to mix with tomized to your tastes by adding duced to the wonderful versatility rainbow chard by shopping at in fiber, essential vitamins and your kale salad. any sort of fruit or nuts. It's also of quinoa, cook up a pot of your Whole Foods, quinoa has come a nutrients, and all of the essential The revelation that something total comfort food and can really own and experiment with creative long way to the mainstream gro­ amino acids. It also has a pleasing so healthy and wholesome for be eaten for any meal of the day. recipes. It's more than just a seed cery world. You may be asking, nutty taste (unless if you don't like your body can actually be tasty What else can be eaten for any - it's a lifestyle. Making our music meaningful The truth behind the lyrics of pop songs Weekend Diary 0 Reel to Real Nightlife BY ALEXA GAMBERO Ripped gloves, rain coat / Tried to April 3 COPY EDITOR swim and stay afloat /Dry house, wet California Academy of Sciences clothes." Must I go on? Behind the in San Francisco Musicisunity;musiciscreativity; pleasant voice and excellent critical Price: $12 music makes an impact. There are reception, "A Team" is a painful story Colorful, "film-centric" videos too many genres to list, and there of struggle. will be shown at the California are too many songs out there to What's more, some of the most Academy of Sciences, includ­ try to choose favorites. We don't all popularpartysongshold softhearted ing fascinating selections like have to be blues or rock fans, and, sentiments. I have yet to go to asocial "Rodents of Unusual Size" and even though it is hard for me to say, gathering this year where I have "One Day on Earth," which is a we don't all have to bow down to not heard the song "Latch" by Dis­ 24-hour project filmed in every Beyonce. I have noticed that people closure. This song, another catchy country in the world on a single tend to gravitate toward songs and one, boasts an exciting beat and its day. There will also be a special artists that speak to them. It may unusual high-pitched vocals make planetarium show and live music be fun to sing "Timber" at the top it unique. It certainly is a crowd by Sweater Funk. of your lungs while cruising down · pleaser, but I wonder if all the party the windy Moraga roads, but when people who love listening to this song 8 "0ffthe Grid" Friday Night you're stuck in your room having an have thought about the lyrics. It is a Food Truck Party emotional breakdown, those sort of song aboutlove, about latching on to April 4 upbeat party tunes may not serve someone. The idea of being "shack­ Fort Mason Center in San Fran­ you the way a more mellow mix led" in someone's "embrace" and cisco might. Though we allhave different never being let go of can either seem Price: Free entry tastes, I am certain of one thing: sweet or super creepy. Listening to There will be food trucks galore music is what we make of it. thesongloudlyinthecarontheway at this event. Taste different We allknowwhen a song is getting to a party might make you excited, kinds of food, as there will be 15 to be overplayed. We mighthear the but the romantic side of it is a little new vendors and 24 established samesongfivetimesaday;butnever hard to realize when you're drown­ favorites coming this Friday. realize what the lyrics mean because ingin the bass, trying to screech-sing This eclectic taste in food will we are so caught up on its overbear­ every word. In this case, listening be accompanied by DJs and live ing radio presence. Last year, Ed to an acoustic version of this song bands. Bring all your friends for Sheeran tore up the charts with his might help you to learn new things this event too, which starts at happy-sounding hit "A Team." The about it, such as what the words ac­ 5 p.m. and runs until 11 p.m., to morbid meaning behind the song tually are. Songs like this are perfect taste, dance, and shop. is masked by a catchy melody; it is for parties, but sometimes acoustic IndieFest. without question about a struggling renditions give us an awesome new 9 Roller Disco 0 Local Treasures Bay Area drug addict. It wasn't until an in­ perspective on these songs and even April 4 G Push the Feeling DJ Night Photography class close reading of the lyrics that on music in general. The Women's Building April 5 April 5 it hit me - this song is super sad. It Searching for the hidden mean­ 3543 18th St. # 8, San Francisco Lower Haight in San Francisco Berkeley Art Center could be that the idea ofbeing in the ings of songs can be fun sometimes, Price: $10 Price: Free until 10 p.m., $6 past Price: Free "Class A Team".went right over my but other times it is a tedious pro­ If you're looking to go out on a lOp.m. This biannual exhibition allows head. In the United Kingdom, where cess that may or may not warrant Friday night, switch it up this This monthly event in the Lower developing artists to practice Ed Sheeran hails from, drugs are satisfaction. Nonetheless, we have week. Convince your friends to Haight is the dance party that around the Bay Area. This in­ classified into classes, which differs the ability to take music for what it go to the roller disco, where disco everyone looks forward to, as both cludes contemporary photog­ from the section-based classifica­ is to criticize or to explore and find costumes are encouraged, but not local and out-of-town DJs per­ raphy and both traditional and tion system in the United States. a way to make it work for us. Who required. Rent skates and take form. This month, DJs YR Skull non-traditional techniques. The doomed fate of the poor girl in knows? You could be pleasantly photos in the photo booth, while and epicsauce will be welcoming This is a free event, so get your the song is made apparent through surprised to discover how personal listening to oldie disco jams at a new set of guest DJs. The dance dose of art appreciation and see haunting imagery: ''White lips, pale and impactful certain songs can be. the same time. Tickets are just party is free before 10 p.m., and $6 what talents are present in the face / Breathing in snowflakes... Bring on the feels. $10 and benefit the San Francisco past the hour. Bay Area. 6 THE COLLEGIAN • TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 STMARYSCOLLEGIAN.COM OPINION The definition Saint Mary's and the Lamorinda area dissatisfy students of art is ever-. A lack of activities to do on- or off-campus justifies students' claims that Moraga is boring

BY JAMES SCOLAMIERI on whether anyone who believes events of the year, Oasis and Gaela­ are simply left to their own devices. changing CONTRIBUTING WRITER thatthere is nothing to do has a right palooza. Not only did these events This brings me to my next point, BY OLIVER REYES to such a claim. bring together the majority of the possibly the most important. Mor­ STAFF WRITER s there enough to do at Saint As you read, know that I do realize student body, but they were also as­ aga is a terrible place for college IMary'sCollege?Thisisthecrucial I am treadingin dangerous waters. I sociated with alcohol consumption. students. There is a noticeable he question "What is art?" has question, one that many decision­ don'tmean to insult the people who Is there a correlation here that has disconnect between the youthful Tbeen askedforcenturies and for­ makers ofthe College must consider plan and put on the excellent events gone unnoticed?Perhaps it's not for population on campus and the rest ever will be challengedand disputed, as a part oftheir tedious and difficult that take place here at Saint Mary's. me to say. of Moraga surrounding us, and dy­ but the current artistic landscape task of creating an environment If anyone is first to blame for there Before we jump to any conclu­ namics would change if there were holds a few indisputable themes that to keep the students from sticking notbeing enough on-campus events sions aboutwhetherthereis enough any exciting Oegal) activities going might lend an answer, ifthere is one. needles in their veins and order­ and a~tivities, it's the student body. to do, let's examine the sorts oforga­ on for college students to attend in Today's art reflects the industrial, ing Craigslist hookers. But hidden Ifpeople are bored, ehances are they nized activities on campus. Looking the Lamorinda area. There aren't. online-driven, and immensely pub­ within this question is an important are just more inclined to be boring at one of the many bulletin boards If you have a car or are familiar lic era we live in. Over five centuries distinction that will give us a better and disinterested people, and they around campus, one sees thatthere with the bus schedule, you can drive of art history are easily accessible idea of whether the students really should find something they like to is a boatload ofinterestingyetpoorly to Berkeley or San Francisco for online, and ideas are constantly be­ have aright to be bored discontents. organize their own events around. attended events which include events, but this is far too much of a ing passed around from all over the To make this distinction, allow me Just as apathy is the opposite of lectures and discussions on racial hassle for most students to do more world. The result is an eclecticrrrix of to pose and compare two different good, not evil, lack oforganization is equality and rape culture, cultural than once a week; most that I know styles and influences resting on over questions. The first: what is there what keeps events from happening, nights, literature-related events, go even less than that. 500 years of artistic traditions. In for students to do on campus and not rules and regulations. theatrical performances, commu­ Well that's it. That's all there most cases, today's art pieces can ei­ in the surrounding area? And the Regardless ofthese facts, one can­ nity time events and a variety of is. We're not much better off than ther celebrate those traditions or go second: what do the Saint Mary's not deny that the restrictive system other school-sponsored events. Is when we started. I'd say we're worse. out of their way to rail against them. students want to do? If you ask any which, according to my knowledge, this enough to create a sufficient Is there enough to do? Like most Either way, art is made to provoke student if he or she thinks there is has only recently been employed amount of recreational activity for of the other students, I will give questions about existence, personal enough to do on campus, as I tried to stamp out alcohol consumption the student body? Perhaps for some, a loud, unapologetic "no" as a re­ experience, or art itself. to do in writing this article, you will in the residence halls and at on­ but it seems that most students are sponse. What does Sophocles say Skrillex's latest album "Recess" hearthe same answer over and over campus activities discourages stu­ only interested in two or three of in Oedipus, "What is happiness but sets out to challenge traditional again-aresounding"no:' Ifwe can dents to participate in events which these categories of events, some the seeming and the falling away?" conventions of music experiences. see where the answers to these two refuse to cater to their more "illicit'' even fewer. We have had some ar­ Never has this been as true for me as Its sounds, structure, and means of questions I have posed do not match recreational activities. Considerthe tistic performances that draw larger in my expectations and the truth of distribution are all non-traditional up, perhaps we canget a better grasp recent cancellation ofthe two major crowds, but on most nights students what there is to do at Saint Mary's. Meanwhile, Wu-Tang Clan recently announced that they will only re­ lease one singular copy of their up­ Facebook invests in invasive facial recognition software coming album "Once Upon a Time in Shaolin." It will be encased in a Possibility of invasion of privacy leaves people questioning just how far technology will go handcrafted nickel-silver box, rest­ BY CALLIE COKER Facebook seems to have lulls of There were rumors a few years want to set up our profile how we ing in a Moroccan vault. Its unique­ STAFF WRITER popularity, as it often gets mixed ago that Facebook was trying to see fit, we should have a say in who ness and presentation resemble reviews depending on age and gen­ develop technology that allowed gets tagged in our photos and who traditional art, which makes people re you one of those people who der, but a face recognition software someone snapping a photo of an­ doesn't, and we should have some question whether someone like Wu­ A aretoolazytotagpeoplemyour probably wouldn't increase the other person to be able to pull up control over our social media. The TangClancanmakeamarkin theart photos on Facebook so you justwait amount of visitors to the site. I feel their online profile. If that is not facial recognition software tak~s world thatway. for them to tag themselves? Well, it's obvious that as people become an invasion of privacy, I'm not sure some of that away from us, pull­ The video game "Proteus" has Facebook recently invested in Face. increasingly dependent on tech­ where the line would be drawn. ing up tags we may not want to be no scores, objectives, or story. This com, a face recognition software de­ nology they won't mind having a Facebook is a great tool for com­ there. Ultimately, there should be alone provokes the question "What veloped in Israel. The new program mechanism thatautomaticallytags munication, and a great way to find limits to our social media usage and is a game?" and immediately de­ is called DeepFace and can match their friends in photos. However, as links to Buzzfeed quizzes and other how much it intervenes with our bunks alotofcriticisrnsaboutgames two photos that have the same we move further into a technologi­ things, butl thinkalevelofmystery everyday lives. The Facebook face not being art. It is an atmospheric face in them. If you ask the people cal age, it scares me how much our and privacy should be maintained. recognition software seems creepy experience where you explore a directly involved in the develop­ lives are controlled by social media The technology that Facebook is and almost as if people are literally nature-inspired, beautifully crafted, ment of the software, it is strictly Also, the fact that face recognition currently dabbling with seems to becoming objects on a screen, able pixelated world. Animals react for academic research, but ifyou ask software would label our friends be pushing boundaries that society to be recognized or pulled up for to your presence, soothing music Facebook users, it's a bit eerie. How instead of us manually doing it would otherwise be unaware of. I simply appearing in a photo they matches your surroundings, and far is technology going to go? We no makes me question how personal cannothelp butwonderifFacebook may not even want to be associated surprises abound. longer have to recognize faces in our our interactions would be. We seem is simply devising ways to grow its with. Facebook's facial recognition The seriousconsiderationofvideo photos because our computers do it to already be a society that relies on empire or if they truly think that software is pushing the line, and if games as art is fairly recent (within forus. ThoughFacebookishesitant Instagram photos or tweets to figure facialrecognitionisnecessarytothe they actually formulate software thepastfiveyearsorso),andibelieve to install the software immediately, out what our friends are doing and, Facebook experience. In my opin­ that pulls up people's profiles once that they have the potential but are in case the general public is unwill­ if we don't even have to tag them in ion, the face recognition software you photograph them, I thinkwe're not automatically assumed as "art" ing to accept it, the idea still remains photos anymore, there goes another seems superfluous. on the verge ofmaking stalking legal as it is with music, drawing, or other a possibility. small communication piece. As Facebook users, we should through social media mediums. The thing that separates a child's doodles from artwork that looks like a child's doodles is the New scientific research feats relying on private donations contexttheyareputin, thewaythey are displayed, and the authoritative Privatization will help get things done, but may marginalize certain fields of discovery presence they have. Not to say that BY JAMES SCOLAMIERI that is, a movement toward scien­ will begin to change the course of proposals to the National Science there's an arbitrary hierarchy or CONTRIBUTING WRITER tific discoveries being initiated and scientific discoveries, which means Foundation and National Institutes standard of good and bad artists, employed bybillionaire philanthro­ less popular fields of research will of Health to be granted or denied, but some artists have more of an anyourememberthedayswhen pists. While well-intended, the truth become more at risk of going un­ scientists more often play the "dat­ authoritative stance than others. Cthe U.S.govemmentapnounced isthatthisprojecthasbeendwarfed derfunded. The second implication ing game," seeking out an inter­ Whether that presence comes from its exciting discoveries in the race incomparisontomanyofthecontri­ is a result of the fact that social ested philanthropist and courting critics, the public, or the work itself, a for scientific achievement? Our na­ butions made by the wealthy. problems are perceived differently them into funding a project. This piece of art that comes from Marina tion battled against world powers Across the nation's prestigious among classes. People of different complicates things, relying on the Abramovic is more likely to be con­ to prove its worth as the patron of university campuses, multi-million socioeconomic backgrounds might interests of the wealthy to choose sidered "art," than ifJoe Shmo from the common good. If you're a Saint dollar science research buildings are be more prone to support different which projects are funded instead sales produces the same art piece. Mary's College undergraduate like being erected bearing the surnames discovery efforts. American disease of a team of government scientists Similarly, artwork that is dis­ me, the answer is probably not. ofthe most economically successful research has shown to be one of the who coordinate research funded in played in a museum or sold in a Recently, the state's funding of sci­ men and women around. Scientific most lopsided fields, as funding from agiven year. This decentralization of professional manner has a higher entific research has become less and philanthropy is, without a doubt, a philanthropists has targeted cystic scientific research is bound to alter chance of being considered art. less fashionable. Talk about an em­ great way for the most successful fibrosis, melanoma and ovarian the patterns of American scientific Critics, committees, highly repu­ pire in decline. In 2013, many of the capitalists to re-invest their wealth cancer, all illnesses which are more discoveries toward the interests of table people, and the public to some scientific projects that would have into society. It gives projects that predominant in white people. the most successful. If this trend extent, need to give the thumbs up been guaranteed federal grants did would otherwise go unfunded a This being said, with federal continues, let's hope that the more for an art piece to be displayed in a not receive their expected funding. chance to produce something truly funding for scientific research on common scientific discoveries are theater, a museum, or another place Last year, however, President useful and beneficial for the whole of the decline, philanthropy could · not left behind because of the de­ dedicatedfor artistic mediums. So, in Obama announced a $100 million humanity. However, billionaire phi­ be the best hope for the future of sires of playboys. Unless of course a very marginalized sense, art is what scientific research initiative into lanthropists tend to fund projects scientific discovery. As the field of you plan on becoming a scientific you make of it and video games can the many unexplained parts of the which address their own political, scientific research continues to research philanthropist, in which takeapartinthatjustasmuchasany human brain. This project could be economic and racial interests. become more privatized, scientists case I charge you to remember that other medium. Or can't they? Can an attempt to stifle or stimulate a This has two implications. First, are adapting to get fundingfor their I want to see a time machine before they provoke questions? growing trend in scientific research; the desires of the philanthropists own projects. Instead of submitting I die. STMARYSCOLLEGIAN.COM THE COLLEGIAN • TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 7 SPORTS Rowing beats Golf finishes ninth at Duck Invitational, sixth at The Goodwin Alabama Cody Robinson BY MIKE YOUNG STAFF WRITER leads the way Pitted against a respected Ala­ in Oregon, bama program, the Gaels were able to come out with a victory, Maclayne with the help of a record breaking performance from junior Natalie Marr strong Livingston and the second varsity eight team on March 23. in Palo Alto The junior from Santa Cruz walked on to the Division I rowing BY DANIEL CONMY AND CAITLIN team as a freshman and now sits as McLAIN the coxswain on the second varsity SPORTS EDITOR AND STAFF WRITER eight - she is what pushes the team to their best, which definitely came Saint Mary's took their tal­ out on Lake Natoma that Saturday, ents up to Creswell, Oregon to finishing at a record time of 6:59.6. face-off in the Duck invitation­ "When we got our official time al. Cody Robinson led the way of 6:59 it was such a great feeling," for the Gaels shooting a 2-over Livingston said. "Ourwhole boat was par on the first day of the Duck so stoked. Being early in the season Invitational. Overall, the Gaels and having success like this was a finished in 11th place out of 16 huge confidence booster:' teams. Oregon State University MACLAYNE MARR had a terrific outing at The Goodwin over the weekend (Courtesy of SMC Gaels). The record time pushed the Gaels took the lead in the tournament infrontofAlabamatohelpthemwin. at the end of the first day with a No. 7 Stanford led their team familiar with this course and it other on Saturday, they were Right away though, Natalie and the 6-over par. event on its home course, the means a lot to play well in the also facing the elements. Un­ rest ofher teamknewthattheycould On the second and final day 6,727 yard, par 70 Stanford last regular-season tournament fortunately, the Gaels dropped not settle at that time. "We quickly of the Duck Invitational, Cody Golf Course, with a 12-under of my college career," stated the to sixth place overall after a 16- set our sights on the next goal, which Robinson led the way again for par 268. Saint Mary's was only senior. "I was comfortable from over par second round. is to drop another 5 seconds." the Gaels. Luckily, the Gaels three back of the Cardinals at start to finish today." Maclayne Marr was able to A quick 2v8 team is a good sign were able to move up two plac­ the end of the first day. They Dalan Reifoglu and sopho­ battle through the rain and shot of depth on any team. The coxswain es to finish 9th overall in a are also the only unranked team more Maclayne Marr both shot a 1-over par. He is sitting in sixth steers, times, and motivates the 16 school field. Overall, Cody among the leaders. 3-under par 67 and, at the end place moving in the final round boat to get them to the finish line as Robinson finished 15th in the Coach Scott Hardy comment­ of day one, were tied for seventh at The Goodwin. quickly, and as straightly, as possible. individual field of 88 golfers. ed on the great round by say­ overall. Unfortunately, on the last day Next weekend, the Gaels head After the Invitational, the Gaels ing, "We executed our course "I stayed really patient the of the tournament, the Gaels down south to Mission Bay for the looked forward to The Goodwin, management very well and whole day and my iron game finished in seventh place after San Diego Crew Classic, and will face which took place just down the whenever you are making putts, was on," said Refioglu. "I played shooting a 5-over par as a team. WCCconferencerival Gonzaga "We road in Palo Alto. it will be a good day." smart and gave myself a lot of Stanford won The Goodwin know we can't be complacent, and Three of the top seven indi­ Senior Cody Robinson shot a birdie looks." tournament by 20 strokes. It in order to get what we want, every viduals were Saint _Mary's golf­ career-low 4-under par 66. That Alex Bungert and Tye Gabriel does not come as too much of a minute of every day is important," ers. The Gaels scored the second amazing score tied the 12th low­ finished at 1-over par and tied surprise as the Stanford Cardi­ Livingston said. "We have to stay lowest team round in school est score for a Saint Mary's in­ for 38th overall. nal were playing at their home aggressive and focused heading into history, finishing their first day dividual. Robinson also finished The Gaels and other golf golf course. The Gaels do not this weekend." in second place at The Goodwin. 3rd in the 93-person field. "I'm teams weren't just battling each play next week. Woinen's basketball loses to UTEP in Round 2 of NIT

BY EMILIO BUENROSTRO prove to the basketball nation that Mary's owned a 33-28 lead, hoping ASSISTANT SPORTS EDITOR they belonged. to maintain their defensive intensity And they were able to prove just in the second half. Although the Saint Mary's wom­ that, after showcasing a strong all­ TheRoadrunnerswouldcomeout en's basketball team's chances of around effort that saw them slow of the locker room with the strong earning an automatic bid to the down the Roadrunners by a final offensive ferocitythat they had dem­ NCAA Tournament were cut short score of75-68. onstrated all season, taking a 39-37 by a loss to the Gonzaga Bulldogs in As they have shown all season, the lead with 17:23 to go in the second. the quarterfinals ofthe WCC Cham­ seniortrioofJackieNared,Danielle Fortunately for the Gaels, CSUB pionship, it didn't mean that all hope Mauldin, and Kate Gaze led the wouldn't build their lead any larger, of postseason play was diminished. way for the Gaels. Nared scored 27 as Saint Mary's would focus on their The Gaels would accept an offer to points, along with grabbing 11 re­ defensive pressure to bring a stop to participate in the Women's National bounds and dishing out five assists. the high scoring Roadrunners and Invitational Tournament, making it Mauldin, who was a dominant force eventually come away with the first their eighth postseason appearance on the boards, recorded her 24th round win. since2000. double-double of the season, finish­ With the seven point victory, the Saint Maiy's would welcome the ing with 10 points and 12 rebounds. Gaels would set themselves up for a Roadrunners out of Cal State Ba­ Gaze did a strong job of orchestrat­ second round matchup against the kersfield for a first round matchup ing the Saint Mary's offense as well, UTEP Miners three days later. Courtesy of SMC Gaels on March 21 at McKeon Pavilion. with a stat-line of 5 assists and 10 The Miners, who are one of six However, unfortunately for the points and 9 rebounds in 38 minutes CSUB, who competes in the West­ points. teams from Conference USA to Gaels, their 2014 postseason run of play, while Mauldin recorded 15 ern Athletic Conference, earned Although Saint Mary's seemingly participate in the WNIT this season, would come to an end, with an points. an automatic bid to the WNIT due led Bakersfield in each department, earneda25-7recordfortheirregular eventual loss to the Miners by a final The women's basketball program largely in part to the offensive domi­ it was the streaky shooting from season. score of76-64. says goodbye to a trio of seniors, nance that they displayed through­ beyond the arc that kept the Road­ Saint Mary's would travel to El The Gaels would finish their im­ who have contributed so much to out their season. runners in the game, finishing with Paso, Texas, in front of a hostile pressive season with a record of 23 the team these past few years, as Upon hearing the news that the 9 three-pointers in the game, com­ crowd, where the Miners had just wins, which ties the College's record Nared, Gaze, and Mauldin suited up team was left out of the NCAA pared to the Gaels' two. defeated Arkansas State three days for the second highest in history. for the last time in the Saint Mary's Tournament, the Gaels were out to At the intermission mark, Saint prior in front of 4,500 UTEP fans. Naredfinished with a stat line ofl9 red and blue.

Women's Tennis Baseball Wed. vs. San Francisco 2:00 p.m. Tues. @UC Davis 2:30 p.m. Sand Volleyball Sat. @ Pacific TBA Fri. vs. Pepperdine 3:00 p.m. Wed. @San Francisco 2:00 p.m. Sun. @Sacramento State 1:00 p.m. Sat. vs. Pepperdine 1:00 p.m. Fri. @Boise State 3:00 p.m. #GOGAELS SPORTS THIS Sun. vs. Pepperdine 1:00 p.m. Sat. @ Cal Poly 9:00 a.m. Follow us Women's Lacrosse Sat. @California 3:00 p.m. facebook.com/smccollegian WEEK Fri. vs. USC 4:00 p.m. Softball @SMC_ Collegian Sun. vs. Oregon 12:00 p.m. Sat. vs. Loyola Marymount 12:00 Men's Tennis stmaryscollegian.com p.m. and 2:00 p.m. Sat. vs. Pacific 12:00 p.m. Track Sun. vs. Loyola Marymount 12:00 Fri. @SF State Carnival All Day p.m. Rowing Fri.@StanfordlnvitationalAll Day Sun.@ SD Crew Classic 8:00 a.m. 8 THE COLLEGIAN • TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 STMARYSCOLLEGIAN.COM Go GAELS! SPORTS Baseball takes two of three froin wee foe BYU James vs. Strong pitching performances for the third week in a row lead to victories Durant

BY KEVIN BROWN CONTRIBUTING WRITER

With less than a month left in the regular season, the NBA's MVP race is coming down to the wire. While LaMarcus Aldridge, Blake Griffin, and Kevin Love have made huge strides this year, they still have to compete with the league's best stars in LeBron James and Kevin Durant. Aldridge has led the Blazers, who were a lottery team last season, to their current 5th seed in the ultra-competi­ tive Western conference. Griffin stepped up while Chris Paul was out for extended time, averaging 30 points and 10 boards in Febru­ ary, and the Clippers sit in the 3rd spot in the West behind the Spurs and Thunder. Ifthe Timberwolves were a better team, Kevin Love would get serious consideration for the MVP given his outstanding stats. His 27. 78 player efficiency rating (PER) ranks third behind Durant and James. This is an all-encompassing stat measuring everything a player does on the floor. He averages 26.3 points, CAMERON NEFF threw his third complete game of the season against the BYU Cougars. Nell's ERA is now sitting pretty at 1.96 (Courtesy of SMC Gaels). 12.6 rebounds, and 4.4 assists. BY DANIEL CONMY with runners in scoring position scored three late runs to steal the Usually, when Cameron Neff His three-point range is great for SPORTS EDITOR as DonAndre Clark, Anthony first game of the double header. gets the ball, he throws a complete a guy of his size and rebounding Gonsolin, and Colin Ferguson Brad Nease came out to relieve game. It certainly seemed that ability at 38.5 percent; usually The Gaels had a wacky week­ were all able to record RBI singles. Gonsolin in the top of the eighth way and Neff needed 101 pitches the league's best rebounders are end of baseball. Tuesday's game It was smooth sailing the rest of inning, as Coach Eric Valenzu- to get the win on Friday afternoon not great shooters, making him a against Stanford was canceled due the afternoon as Jacob Valdez for the second game of the double rare talent. to rain, but Saint Mary's was able recorded the last out in the bot­ header. The Gaels won the game Moving on to the two guys in to fit in a 3-game series against tom of the eighth inning. Corbin handily, 6-1. With the victory, Neff head-to-head competition for the BYU before the rain returned. Burnes came on and had a 1-2-3 award, Kevin Durani: has played Ryan Brockett toed the mound inning to secure the victory for slightly better than LeBron this on Thursday afternoon and he the Gaels. With the impending year. But that's not a knock on continued his dominant season. weather on Saturday afternoon, BYU "With Neff doing his LeBron, who is shooting a career The senior went seven and two­ BYU and Saint Mary's faced off in thing in game two, he high 57 percent, and only trails thirds innings, allowing three a double header on Friday. ela wanted to play the match-up was able to hold out Durant's PER by 1.34 as of March runs. Giving up three runs actu­ Friday's first game saw Anthony game, as two lefties were due up 28. Some analysts were critical of ally raised Brockett's ERA, but Gonsolin take the mound. Gon­ for the visiting Cougars. Nease long enough for us James after posting a career-high the Gaels won the game handily solin threw a solid seven innings was able to record the first out, to get an execution 61 points against the Bobcats in 10-3. It was a hit parade, as every against University of Portland last but then pinch hitter Bret Lopez early March, but his performance starting position player had at kept the inning alive for BYU as inning like we had in in Indiana on March 26 showed least one hit in the afternoon. he singled up the middle. Dillon the seventh when we just how good he is, restoring the Colin Ferguson registered his Robinson followed that up with a faith in him lost by many NBA first 4-hit game of the season Saint Mary's 1 bloop single that dropped just in scored four." pundits. Even if LeBron James and he also picked up three RBI's front of DonAndre Clark. Brock doesn't win this year's award, you and two runs. Anthony Gonsolin Whitney came up with the finish­ could still make a case for him continued his hot season, going 3 BYU ing blow with a double to deep drops his ERA to an outstanding being the league's best all-around for 5 with an RBI and three runs right-center field to score two. number of 1.96 ERA and pitched player ahead of Durant. He also scored. The game was a lot closer weekend and he followed that up Clark made a diving effort and his third complete game. "In a has a chance to win his third NBA than the end score might show. with throwing 7 and 1/3 innings almost made the most acrobatic doubleheader, there's no time title in as many years if his sup­ Before the bottom of the sixth giving up two runs (one earned). catch, but unfortunately he was to really think about it or any­ porting cast heats up to out-duel inning, the score was 2-1. Luck­ Unfortunately, the Gaels were inches away. BYU went on to win thing. You've got to get going in the league's best in Indiana, Chi­ ily, Saint Mary's performed well not able to keep the lead as BYU the game 4-3. cago, San Antonio, Houston, and the Durant-led Thunder. As for Kevin Durant, he might v1salign· Saint Mary's • just be the best scorer in the league, and he has the stats to prove it. This season, he has the BYU highest scoring average since 2006 whenKobeBryantandAllenlver­ 30 minutes," Saint Mary's coach son averaged 35.4 and 33 points Eric Valenzuela said. "We did a per contest, respectively. Durant's Great opportunities start with a beautiful, good job of that, and it all starts game doesn't just stop at his 32.2 healthy, straight smile. on the mound like I always say. points per game; he also averages With Neff doing his thing in game 7.5 rebounds and a career-high two, he was able to hold out long 5.6 assists. The Thunder also lead enough for us to get an execution Miami by 3.5 games in the overall inning like we had in the seventh league standings through March when we scored four." Those late 28th, due in large part to Durant's runs helped Saint Mary's take dominant play. He has averaged the series. more than 34.8 points per game With the victory, Saint Mary's since Jan. I and has lifted his squad Call for your complimentary moved to 13-13 overall and 5-1 in in the absence of point guard Rus­ conference play. sell Westbrook, who has missed 33 consultation today! The Gaels will play a midweek of the team's 72 games this season. game against UC Davis and then Overall, Durant is my pick for 925.376.2800 come back home to face Pepper­ the regular season MVP as he has 1016 Country Club dr. Moraga CA, 94556 dine University for another tough scored at an elite level and gotten wee matchup. Friday's first pitch his teammates involved all year. www.hudsonandaxelrodeortho.. com will be at 3:00 p.m. MVP: Kevin Durant DAKULLEJUHN.NET DA KULLEJUHN • TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 1402 NoozE Meet Da Kullejuhn

Kempos Kelendahr

Tuesday, April 1 4:20 a.m. - 4:20 p.m. Assumption Hall Contact... who cares? Free food!

Fight Club Courtesy of Staff Portrait Artist No date given Why? First rule of Fight Club: don't Because there's a talk about it Beyond the Bubble Butt whole world in there ... Gael Cinema Presents: Some Puns scientifically proven to the works include ''KeepingUpwith Brothers reveal secret under­ names out of a fishbowl. President Movie starring Ryan Gosling be funny the Gaels," which will follow a select ground five-star restaurant Obama expressed his hope that his Tuesday, April 1 A guy is taking his girlfriend to group of students as they adapt to A while ago, the Christian Broth­ "Sister Wives Act" will improve 3:30a.m. prom. He waits in the ticket line for living in a shantytown on the edge ers revealed that there has been a national camaraderie. Tennis Courts a really long time but gets them. He of Gonzaga's campus and becom­ secret underground restaurant hid­ Contact Men's Rowing goes to rent a limo. The rental line is ing part of the Bulldog culture. The den beneath Saga in the catacombs. Free-thinking cat poops out­ x8888 really long but he eventually does it. new station will also have various The residing chef at the moment is side the litter box He goes to buy her flowers. The line competition shows, such as a ''Danc­ Wolfgang Puck, and the restaurant Admiral Fluffingtons rocked that Housing Hunger Games atthefloristisreallylongbuteventu­ ing with the Stars" remix where the currently has a five-star rating and catworld when he decided to be orig­ April3 and4 ally he gets the flowers. At prom she Gonzaga men's basketball players is first on Conde Nast's list of "Top inal and poop outside ofthe litter box Allday asks him to go get punch. He goes to will be paired up with the ex-Saint Three Catacomb Restaurants." in his Detroit,Mjchigau, home. The Contact Campus_Housing the refreshment table and there's no Mary's men's basketball players to There are actually only three cata­ cat, a self-described "free-thinker" Good luck, man, you're gonna punchline. compete in assorted dance numbers comb restaurants inthe world Actu­ and "scratch post connoisseur" said need it Astronomers got tired after such as the foxtrot and the tango. ally, I'm not sure on that so don't cite that the idea crune to him while he watching the moon go around the Rapper Xzibit of MTV fame is also this as reliable information. Always was on a wild catnip trip. Admiral Cards Against Humanity Earth for 24 hours so they decided slated to present the new sensation fact check Anyway, the restaurant Fluffingtons is a recent graduate of Tournament to call it a day. Spring is almost "Pimp my Gael" boasts loyal Moragan delicacies like Reed College in Portland, Oregon, Tuesday, April 1 here - I'm so excited I almost wet red wine braised deer shank and where he majored in Philosophy. 5:04p.m. my plants. Airline food is pretty Invisible People Awareness salads made from the tender weeds He is currently working on his first Contact Mission and Ministry plane. Do you think seagulls have Day parade goes unnoticed found around campus. Saint Mary's novel: "Hairballs: Questioning the Center seagoals? One time, I did a theatri­ Residents of New York City (fun students are not encouraged to seek Morals of Fancy Feast." His owners x8912 cal performance about puns; it was fact: that's in New York) were dis­ out the restaurant because it is well were less than pleased andAdmiral a play on words. Archaeologists mayed and embarrassed to learn outofthecollegestudentbudgetand Fluffingtons has since been taken Pie Eating Contest digging within a pyramid in Egypt that they had completely missed the is booked up for 20 years by notable off the catnip until he learns to poop Tuesday, April 1 have found a mummy covered in Invisible People Awareness Day pa­ namessuchasPresidentObamaand backinsidetheboxagain. Neverthe­ 8:00a.m. chocolate and nuts; experts believe rade last Monday. Even though the Harry Potter. It will remain under­ less, cats around the world are copy­ Contact Wealth and Hellness it to be Pharoah Roche. Are these parade participants banged bongos ground and intact despite the closing ingtheirfurrybrotherand exercising Center punnyyet? and honked horns, people merely of the College on May 1. their right to be free-thinking cats. x4567 attributed the noise to the general What a world we live in. Gaelvision (it exists) to be hullabaloo of the city streets. The President Obama makes po­ Hu.man Petting Zoo added to Comcast lineup Invisible PeopleAwarenessAssocia­ lygamy alaw Bubble butt discovered on Tuesday, April 1 In an announcement made last tion is a rather elusive group, majnly While dining at the secret un­ campus 2:47a.m. week at some time that we don't because Visible humans have ahard derground catacomb restaurant Bubble butt, bubble, bubble, bub­ The Lower Townhouses really care enough to look up, Com­ time findingtheirweeklygatherings on campus, President Obama had ble butt Bubble butt, bubble, bubble, cast announced that it made a deal despite the Association's effort to a wonderful epiphany. In an an­ bubble butt. Tum around, stick it Summer Break with the Saint Mary's College to hold them in frequently trafficked nouncement to the national publi­ out, show the world you got a .. Bub­ NEVER acquire Gaelvision. This was done places like zoos and in the lobbies of cizedonFoxNewsandDaKullejuhn, ble butt, bubble, bubble, bubble butt Your soul belongs to school in anticipation of Saint Mary's May 1 hotels. "We just wanted to be seen," the president armounced that he Bubble butt, bubble, bubble, bubble Abandon hope closure. Gaelvision will now occupy said one upset Invisible Person (we would be making polygamy an en­ butt Bubble butt, bubble, bubble, Kiss your GPA goodbye channel 420. Even though students could only gauge his emotional state forced law. BeginningAprill,allmen bubble butt. Turn around, stick willberelocatedtoGonzagaafterthe from his voice). ''Butlguessthatwas will be required to inlmediatelywoo it out, show the world you got a ... Farewell to Saint Mary's school closes, Gaelvision will still be arathertransparentwish. We'llhave and marry four women. His wives Bubble butt, bubble, bubble, bubble Mayl centered on the ex-Gaels. Shows in to be clearer next time:' will be chosen randomly by drawing butt 12:00a.m. Contact "Strategic Plan of Excel­ lence" BIG MISTAKE: Cross to return Episode V: Fluff Strikes Back x0420 after a Brazilian blowout BY JEDI MASTER FLUFF fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff A VERY TIRED EiC fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff Planning an event? continued from page 1 fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff Fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff Whatever. lie mission if they cannot even to outdo itself, the College's fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff build a cross?" He followed up next Victoria Cross will be made fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff E-mail us with the details the comment with an official of Brazilian cherry and paint­ fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff of your event at: cancellation of his visit to the ed in Pottery Barn's "eggshell fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff dakullej [email protected] College in April (before the white" shade. To pay for the new fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff or please don't call us school's closure), where the Cross, the College will be creat­ fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff ever (like ever): Pontiff was set to deliver this ing a special fund in the Plan of fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff (111) 222-3333 year's commencement address. Strategic Excellence to have the fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff or send carrier pigeon mail to: The Cross will be taken down Cross back in place before the fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff Mount Everest, or page us at: later this week. Always seeking school closes on May 1. fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff fluff. (444) 555-7777 DAKULLEJUHN.NET DA KULLEJUHN • TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014 0 SPORTS 'N STUFF & FLUFF Kanye West to give graduation address Limited edition campus tour will include catacombs

BY HAN SOLO time for students and visitors alike SCRUFFY-LOOKING NERF HERDER to appreciate everything the cam­ pus has to offer. The rumored Saint Mary's cata­ Student Ambassador Shirley combs' existence has been proven Ujest is looking forward to this as the Office of Admission has change: "I've always heard about added them to their campus tours. the catacombs," she said. "Now I Catacombs are a series of pas­ get to finally see them when we sageways typically affiliated with undergo a new Student Ambas­ religious practices. The Saint sador training program to learn Mary's catacombs are located un­ how to incorporate this into our der the school and connect various tours." When asked what she is parts of campus together, provid­ most looking forward to, she an­ ing easy access and quick trans­ swered, "discovering if the school portation to campus hotspots. is actually haunted. If it is, surely Previously, the Christian Brothers we'll find out in the catacombs." on campus forbade students from When mentioned at current entering the catacombs, causing tours, however, potential stu­ Courtesy of businessinsider.com a flurry of rumors about buried dents were either more drawn to Step aside, T-Swift: Kanye expected to party at plots as well bodies and hidden breweries and or more hesitant about choosing wine cellars. Saint Mary's. Of course, their BY HOLLY MARY off the original $120. This is a off with their own performance But now, not only will students hesitation may be due to the fact CASHIER AT BOB'S BURGERS bargain of a deal for Kanye West, ofthepopularvideo. Who would find out for themselves, but po­ that the school will be closing who is being so gracious to this do such a thing? tential students will, too. The Of­ next month. But current students Kanye West has graciously small tight-knit, and soon to be The town of Moraga is ex­ fice of Admissions discovered the think this is a good idea, many be­ accepted the role of being the disbanded, community at Saint tremely excited for this great catacombs and negotiated with lieving that this will lead to more commencement speaker for Mary's. Kanye will also stick opportunity, hoping to shed the school, saying it was neces­ access through the catacombs this upcoming graduation after around to party it up with the light op. how great a community sary to tour families, potential and easier transportation to and the Pope decided to rescind his graduates on Chapel Lawn. Moraga really is. students, and alumni through from class. It also adds to the ex­ role as speaker following the We interviewed Pat Hiscawk Graduation will, of course, the catacombs as to paint a more plorative aspects about campus, removal of the disproportion­ about having West as the com­ occur before May 1 due to the accurate picture of the school to as many people enjoy hiking and ate Cross. Kim Kardashian and mencement speaker and he closing of the College according visitors. They further backed up walking around campus. But it Kanye West will be performing claimed, "This will be great for to the Strategic Plan of Excel­ this argument by pointing out raises another question - will the their awarding winning music Saint Mary's! I can only think lence. However, the College that, since the school will only be general public have access to the video "Bound 2" for the newly of great things when I think of has decided to not release the open for a little while longer until catacombs for the limited time graduated seniors. There have Kanye West. Have you seen that graduation date. Instead, the its May 1 closure, there is limited that Saint Mary's still exists? been reports that James Franco music video? 'Bound 2,' that is date will be revealed 48 hours and Seth Rogen will come in _ just a work of art. It is a shame prior to the commencement, and do their own rendition of that James Franco and Seth simply because having families Chipotle to claim Oliver "Bound 2" as well. Rogen had to make a mockery compete to buy airline tickets On sale at this ceremony will of such a masterpiece." and fight for parking on gradu­ I be the Kanye West plain white Hiscawk will not be too excit­ ation day will assuredly raise Hall after Ma t-shirt, which will be sold for ed about the unofficial plans of the level of excitement for the $110, which, of course, is $10 Rogen and Franco cutting West auspicious occasion. Oakland Athletics moving to Moraga baseball team would eventually of the residents. MLB team tak­ be finding a permanent home in Gertrude Timberlake, who has San Jose. lived in the town of Moraga for ing advantage The much-anticipated Joseph the past 116 years and who was L. Alioto Recreation Center, the leader of the group of advo­ of the College's which was scheduled to open in cates who advocated the drastic the spring of 2015, has declared change of Saint Mary's leaving scheduled May to stop production immediately their turf field lights on until 10 and begin its new development p.m. to 9 p.m., led the movement 1 closure with of the A:s new stadium, which to bring the Athletics to Moraga. will be located where Louis Guis­ At the age of 186, many credit ALL HAIL our Chipotle Burrito Overlord, blessed be thy cheesy, spicy, salsa, guacapocalypse new stadium to Field is currently stationed. the move possible due to Tim­ goodness. We swear allegiance to your flour tortilla wrapping. (peachesandhotsauce.com) Rumored to be ready by the berlake's constant active nature BY BROCK LEE adding never before seen features. 2016 baseball season, the new on Twitter and Instagram, gen­ VEGETABLE EATER Chipotle will be implementing a BY ADAM BOMB stadium will spread out toward erating 100,000 followers in each chip tree as well as many new meat ASSISTANT SPORTSBALL Guy the lower townhouses, which of her social media accounts. Since Saint Mary's will be closing options. Zebra, lion, and tiger meat will be converted into Section 8 "It is a great opportunity for May l, Chipotle has decided to take will all be available and will replace While there has been much public housing, as Da Kullejuhn the city of Moraga," Gertrude over control of Oliver Hall. Chipotle the beloved chicken, steak, and speculation over the past few has previously reported. told Da Kullejuhn. "My use of CEO, Chris P. Bacon, stated, "Saint carnitas options. years as to whether or not the Saint Mary's junior, Ray Zen, the hashtag really got this thing Mary's has always been a desirable The store manager, Gail Force, Oakland Athletics would be per­ had his speculation over the past going." place for a Chipotle, and now that talks about the meat changes: menantly leaving the Oakland year, as the school kept having According to Ns management, the school is closing, our Burrito "Changing the meat was the best Coliseum, which has been their to push back the anticipated there has been an immense Overload has ordered us to strike!" decision for us. No one likes to get home since 1968, it appears that opening date of the promised amount of bids for the naming Although the "Guacapocalypse"had into a routine of what they eat. I we finally have a resolution. rec center. rights of the future stadium, with worried many Chipotle-goers, Chi­ have never heard anyone say they Well, temporarily, that is. "It's not cool dude," said the notable companies such as: Bob's potle will be converting the Legacy have a 'regular' or 'the usual,' so Upon hearing the news that irate Ray Zen. "But at the same Burgers, Dunder Mifflin, and Garden into a massive avocado farm what better way to keep things fun Saint Mary's College of Cali­ time, there's no more seminar Prestige Worldwide. to assuage any latent fears. Since than change the whole menu!" fornia was going to be perma­ since school is closing, so that's However, according to TMZ. the rest ofthe school will be turning Chipotle has decided to raise nently shut down on May 1, the cool I guess." com, the most believable rumor intoazoo,asifitweren'ttosomede­ prices of their guacamole to $4.50. Athletics' co-owner, Lew Wolff, With last spring's catastrophe swirling out of Oakland is that gree already, Chipotle will not need Quesadillas and tacos will not be recently revealed to media out­ of the turf field's lights having to Chipotle Mexican Grill is the to go far to slaughter their meats served anymore as the High Burrito lets with close proximity to the be shut down an hour earlier due forerunner for rights to the sta­ for their new restaurant. Regional Council in Denver deemed them East Bay that the Athletics will to complaints from the residents dium's name. Manager, Sue Flay, also sees the zoo "not filling" and "unworthy of our be temporarily moving to the of Moraga, many believed that an These rumors appear to be the as a great addition to the area. Flay Burrito Overlord and being in such small, quiet suburban town that athletic move of this magnitude most logical, due to recent word said, "People always askwhere their a prestigious fast food restaurant." so many of us reluctantly call would not be plausible. that the campus of Saint Mary's food comes from and you know Many people from the town of home: Moraga. However, to the surprise of will be transformed into a zoo what? Now we can let them know Moraga are excited about this new This comes as an unfortu­ many, the motion to begin sta­ and that Oliver Hall (formerly and just point outside. It is flawless great addition to the community. nate surprise to thousands of dium development received a go Saga) will be turned into a mega for our company." Of course it will take two to four baseball aficionados across the from the Moraga town council, Chipotle restaurant, much to the Considering that Oliver Hall years until this Chipotle will start South Bay, who were ecstatic to while simultaneously receiving joy of burrito lovers throughout (formerly Saga) will be the biggest with construction, pending design hear rumors that their beloved full support from 99.9 percent the East Bay. ever Chipotle created, they will be review boards and permits.