Xmas New Dordt Sundial music sport joins moved comes at B10 early Dordt page 2 page 3 page 6 page 2

November 15, 2016 Issue 5 Follow us online

NO HATE NOVEMBER Freemason Breath Hower – Staff Writer and manly power!” male community on Dordt’s campus; however, Other men on campus are convinced that “No- women are also being affected by the ban on conspiracy at The month of November is commonly noted to Shave November” is, in fact, a very exclusive “No-Shave November.” be a month of celebration for men—specifically, and oppressive idea towards men who cannot One woman said she resented all the men who as they attempt to grow facial hair to prove their grow facial hair. Rule-abiding senior Josh rallied to enact this change. Dordt manliness. But this year, a different reaction has Perkinson, beard and stache extraordinaire, “I can’t go the whole winter without shaving William Morgan – Staff Writer arisen among the populace. admits he has seen the light of equality. my legs, even though they’re going to be It turns out that almost one-third of men “I love my beard and stache, but I will not covered by my jeans anyway?” she said. “How When seniors John Jacobi and Jonathan cannot grow facial hair. Many others can only wield it to oppress others,” Perkinson said. ridiculous is that? I mean, what difference does Janssen arrived at Dordt College in the fall of grow small amounts—just enough to make “I think that growing a beard can indeed hurt it make that I don’t shave?” their junior year, the last thing they expected people think they are creepy or gross-looking. others feelings, especially men who can’t grow Other women on campus, including faculty, was getting caught up in a conspiracy theory. Men around Dordt’s campus are growing any hairs on their chinny chin chins. Therefore, are joining the resistance movement. But merely a week later, they, just like many angry rather than hairy this November as a new I’m doing what’s right and shaving every couple Some campus women are angry because others before them, were browsing the far movement has arisen in protest of the social days so that I can keep my follically-challenged their boyfriends or husbands look much better reaches of the internet and building their own norm. friends without any hard feelings.” with beards, and now they are being forced to tinfoil hats. By direct order of the president Erik Hoekstra, But for those on campus like junior Adam shave them off. One woman even stated that she Stemming from an excited conversation student services has deemed the “No-shave Heynen, who cannot grow facial hair, the decree would leave her fiancé if he shaved his beard between two roommates, Jacobi’s investigations November” tagline a discriminatory social is a real victory. and stache combo. began when senior Juan Benitez told him about construct that needs to be abolished. Protestors “I’m so sick of men with beards getting Another woman argued that she was very the influence of Freemasonry in Paraguay, among the student body have called for change privileges I can’t receive during November,” thankful for the executive decree, as she hates Benitez’s home country. and their voices have been heard. Heynen said. “And on top of that, I’m always the nothing more than kissing a furry lip. “He said that they are really shady over there But no change comes without costs. brunt of the crude jokes my bearded classmates The Zircon will continue to investigate and everyone knows it,” Jacobi said. “Like, The ban of “No-Shave November” has men make about how I’m really participating in the matter and be a mediator between the two firefighters went to a Masonic Lodge to put out like Levi Knight extremely angry. ‘No-Shave November’ but no one knows! It’s hostile groups concerned with “No-Shave a fire and there was a skeleton on an altar in the “I’ve been growing my beard for a long time criminal—that’s what it is, and oppressive. Men November.” But remember, folks, it should front. But then, he told me about the Masonic and it keeps me warm,” says Knight, “and now I who can’t grow beards are no less manly than always be “No-Hate November,” whether it is stuff at Dordt.” am being told I need to shave it off because it’s a those who can! And that’s a fact.” “No-Shave November” or not. The “stuff” of which Benitez spoke were the symbol of oppression? Give me a break!” It is obvious that tensions are high among the Continued on page 2 Unfortunately for Knight, the change is being enacted all around campus. Student services has The “Eye of Providence,” a notable symbol in affirmed with the Zircon that they will have free the Masonic society makes its mark on The Gift and enforced shaving stations around campus to Photo credit: William Morgan ensure no beard or mustache is left unshaven. Still, many people on campus are refusing to conform to the new executive order. Even faculty have joined in with a group of resistors. Dr. Ploegstra, a well-known beard endorser on campus, has claimed that men who can grow facial hair should get social recognition, showing they are superior to men who cannot grow beards. “A beard is a symbol of manliness that definitely is deserving of praise and social recognition,” Ploegstra said. He then performed the exclusive and secretive beard salute that has become a symbol between all men on campus who are holding out against the president’s No-Shave November: Nothing but skinny skin skin on their chinny chin chins: Dordt men forced decree. “Stay strong and hold on to your dignity to shed their winter coats. Photo credit: Kyle Fosse #1 in ambiguity: Student confusion may invalidate survey results B. Autriss – Staff Writer right?” “And I don’t think those students would have differently if I had read the questions right,” But Van Derstra was not an isolated case. responded differently even if they had read the Smith said. “I hope I didn’t skew their results Every student and faculty member at Dordt “I mean, when you see ‘engagement,’ what’s questions right.” or anything.” has recently become used to having the words the first thing you think of?” said senior “I would have responded completely “Number One in Engagement” thrown at them Engineering major Phillip Maynard. “I guess at every opportunity. President Erik Hoekstra I just didn’t think twice when I answered the is understandably excited about the good questions.” press that the Wall Street Journal results have Unfortunately, Van Derstra and Maynard brought about. But perhaps he and the rest of the were among a multitude of mistaken students. administration shouldn’t be so quick to spread While it is hard to calculate an exact number the results of the survey around. of students who misinterpreted the survey, we After talking with those who filled out the have yet to come across a Dordt student who survey, it seems an ambiguity in the word interpreted the survey correctly—and we have “engagement” caused confusion in students and interviewed more than 379.5 students from inaccurate results in the Wall Street Journal’s varying majors and years. research. “My roommate got engaged the week before In typical Dordt fashion, students defined they sent out the survey, and I kept seeing “engagement” as betrothal, instead of the level proposal pictures from people on Facebook,” of interaction and interest in a classroom setting. said senior Business major Alex Smith. “When “I’m actually really embarrassed about it,” they asked about engagement, it was a no- junior Social Work major Christine Van Derstra brainer. A literal no-brainer, I guess.” said. “I’m just hoping I was the only one that “I don’t think the confusion is as widespread was confused. I mean, just one person can’t as you assume it is,” Hoekstra responded when mess up [The WSJ’s] statistics that much, confronted with the reality of student confusion. Engagement: ‘Ring before spring’ mentality ruins engagement survey. Photo credit: Kyle Fosse page 2 · News ·

Perilous Sundial to be moved The True Presidential Email inside academic building Scandal Berna Sanderas - Staff Writer position is abusing its powers beyond emailing Leighton VanderMooi - Staff Writer After announcing the new location, Dordt’s friends and family members. community offered mostly overwhelming In shocking new developments, the president Commenting on the accusations, the president After being relocated earlier this year, the support for the new site. The lounge was chosen is under investigation due to an email scandal. said, “I am not doing anything illegal and I do Sundial is on the move once more. For the entire for its abundance in natural lighting and the That’s not the President of the United States, not understand why the FBI has to be concerned semester, Dordt Maintenance fielded complaints skylight in the center of the room. mind you, but the President of Dordt College. with my private email. At this time, I will not be from commuters and faculty regarding the The Sundial will be placed directly under the President Hookstra is under attack and being resigning because of the investigation. I hope Sundial’s hazardous and distracting qualities. skylight so students and faculty will still be able investigated by the FBI all because a certain to spend the rest of my years at Dordt College Pamela Smith, head curator of Dordt’s to tell the time using this unique and historic private email account popped up on the dark before I retire to a small house on a lake in Campus Community Arts Initiative, facilitated device. web. The FBI will not share its findings until Florida.” the sundial’s first move after multiple student Dr. Janette Solders, professor of Ancient the investigation is complete, a process that Not everyone believes the president is as bystanders were injured by campus golf Antiquities and Historical Artifacts, was one may take months, even years. innocent as he appears. One staff member, who accidents. The Sundial had been a popular spot of the few members of the Dordt community to What could the President have been doing? withdrew his or her name from the record, said, for the golfers, but the balls that ricocheted off protest the Sundial’s initial creation. Talk among the faculty offices reveals suspicion “Word has it that he has been doing this for the dial posed as a safety hazard. “This is an absolute disgrace,” Solders said. that the president was giving out students’ years. It is truly horrible to see such a thing to “Students were coming into Campus Health “The Sundial is not historically accurate, nor personal information, such as Social Security happen to a great college. with bruises, welts and occasionally a broken are the students intelligent enough to know how numbers and banking information. The investigation will continue and new nose,” Smith said. “It came to our attention that to use it.” For a still unknown reason, this man whom items will appear throughout the next coming we needed to remove this threatening presence Criticism aside, the Sundial is set to be everyone trusted for many years is being asked weeks. In the worst case scenario, the president before someone died.” unveiled in its new location on Sunday, Nov. to step down from his current office. will spend three months in jail, according to In response to the complaints, maintenance 31, 2016. It may be argued that there is no reason for FBI authorities. relocated the Sundial to a spot behind the the college president to have a private email science building, hoping to discourage campus account at all, especially if the person in that golfers. However, there were still consequences. The Sundial now calls the Bosma Lounge its George Townson, a junior commuter, said the new home. Photo credit: Kyle Fosse Sundial distracts him as he attempts to tell the time every time he drives by. “[The Sundial] is in a bush, so when I drive by I have to stretch my neck extra far to make sure Freemason conspiracy at Dordt I can read it,” Townson said. “If it’s a cloudy day I don’t know what time it is and I’m late (cont.) to class.” One of these days, he said, will be his last, all Continued from page 1 that is still being formed. Incidentally, within because of a piece of art. stained-glass windows on either side of the BJ Masonic symbolism, a broken pillar stands for With growing concern surrounding the Haan Auditorium. On the west side is a stream a fallen leader. Three broken columns. Three placement of the Sundial, Smith said the art of white letters that read “In thy light shall we past presidents of Dordt. One standing pillar. department and maintenance decided that see light” (taken from Psalm 36.9 KJV) with One current president. One future column. One the Bosma Lounge in the Ribbens Academic a white symbol next to them. On the east side future president? The math seems to add up. Complex is the best place for the Sundial’s new is a single Latin word – “PHOS” or “light” And, of course, with a simple widening of home. – encased in a black, double-pointed oval vision, one will notice that The Gift is in the reminiscent of the shape of an eye. shape of a triangle within a brick inlay. Setting Jacobi, after some investigations of his own, aside the obvious allusion to masonry brought told Janssen about his findings. about by the use of brick (a suspiciously “I didn’t really take any of it seriously until the ubiquitous material on Dordt’s campus), the thing happened with José,” Janssen said. “That triangle is also chopped off at the top, making Professors come to grips with was when I started to wonder if something was it resemble the pyramid on the back of the U.S. actually going on.” Dollar Bill – a symbol often tied to Freemasonry The took took junior José Benitez – also from and other secret societies. increased minimum class size Paraguay – on a tour of campus, at which time Jacobi’s and Janssen’s search eventually led they pointed out the white symbol on the west them to the local Fruited Plain Café where their Basil the Bat Lord - Staff Writer classes at Dordt and some have even gotten side of the BJH and asked him what it looked barista, Dordt junior Jennifer Allen, heard of creative with ways to engage a whole person like. their findings and alerted super-senior Chris How many students does it take to screw in a for a 50-minute lecture. “Masones…?” said José, clearly alarmed. “ Geels – who ran home and returned with a box lightbulb? For Electrical Engineering professor Theology professor Ben Lappenga is planning What is going on? Why is that on there?” full of Masonic sashes. According to Geels, Douglas De Boer, the answer depends on to relocate his office to the Fruited Plain and What José spotted was the symbol of the around 30 masonic robes and sashes were found how many students enroll in Fundamentals have class over coffee. Freemasons, a secret fraternity of stone masons when the costume shop had cleaned out its stock of Household Electronics. If the class fails to Environmental Studies professor Rob De dating back to the late 14th century which in the previous spring. enroll the new minimum number of students Haan is already anticipating the spring semester has been the subject of endless scrutiny and And the Dordt Theater Department confirmed recently approved by administration, it will be and the opportunity to take his one student out criticism by concerned parties worldwide since that they never, nor would they ever, have cut from next semester’s course list. on excursions into nature. the 18th century. One such party of interest to performed anything requiring that great an Starting in spring 2017, all Dordt courses will “I pulled the old tandem bicycle out of my the Dordt community is the Christian Reformed amount of identical costumes. be required to have at minimum one student garage and oiled up the chain last night,” De Church (CRC), which split from the Reformed “My entire body had chills running through enrolled in order to be considered a legitimate Haan said. Church in America (RCA) in 1857, citing the it,” Janssen said. Jacobi said it was “super class. Students can be difficult to get to know in the RCA’s allowance of its members to join the freaky.” According to provost Eric Forseth, the class setting, and some professors find it easier secretive Masonic society as a major reason for Where does this investigation lead? Dead ends decided number of one student represents a to invite them to special events. dispute and eventual separation. and laughs at each turn. And yet, the sashes sit, shaky compromise between the majority of “If engaging one-on-one is too daunting,” said The idea grows more disturbing when one testaments to the truth of Masonic influence at faculty and the administrative leadership. Math professor Valorie Zonnefeld, “do what I realizes that “In thy light shall we see light” is Dordt. Attempts to trace the sashes tied them “The professors were pushing for a one- do: invite your husband along. Ryan and I spent a phrase that is specific to one relevant event: back to a Lodge manufacturer that provides fourths of a person minimum class size,” our last anniversary dinner chatting with a Math the initiation of a new member into the Masonic for a Masonic chapter based in Modesto, CA – Forseth said. “But through many conversations Education major.” brotherhood. Here they are said to receive the same location of many Dordt benefactors, and much prayer, they graciously consented to Professors who teach classes that historically the “light” (read: “phos”) that is offered to all including Henry and Henry Van Klaveren, who raise the class size to one student.” have averaged equal to or more than one student members of the Freemasons. sponsored a $1 million “campus beautification” President Erik Hoekstra declined to comment enrolled – such as upper level history, literature These symbols are instantly recognizable program in 2011 primarily consisting of the new on the firestorm that resulted from the increased and theatre classes – are not worried about the in Paraguay, which led senior Paola Alonso clock tower. class size. confirmed change. to sleep with a knife underneath her pillow And who taught them to be so generous with The balance between accommodating the “I have experience teaching classes with when she became aware of the BJH windows, their funds? As an archived Voice edition on enrollment of as many fractions of students at least one person, so it’s not such a shock,” according to Juan. their program proclaims, “That education began as possible and ensuring good stewardship of History professor Walker Cosgrove said. “You Continuing the search out from the BJH, under the leadership of former Vice President both classroom space and a professor’s salary is just have to learn how to get to know a single Jacobi and Janssen arrived at The Gift sculpture for College Advancement Lyle Gritters and always a touchy business. student.” on campus. Underneath the figure’s foot is a Development Representative Harold De Wit in “I wouldn’t say I am angry, but yes, I am Cosgrove encouraged professors who really blue slate with several conspicuous symbols the mid 1970s. Gritters and De Wit were raising angry,” Education professor Dave Mulder try to get to know their student by name to rely engraved on its face, including an eye with rays money for Dordt’s first major fund raising said. “Forcing a professor to cancel a class that on some tried-and-true methods for keeping a of light shining down from it and an hourglass campaign—to fund the chapel, today’s B.J. sparks interest in less than a single full person person straight. with an angel wing and a devil wing on either Haan Auditorium.” should not have to happen.” “A seating chart can go a long way,” Cosgrove side – intriguingly, many of these signs have Still wondering why you should care about Mulder’s frustration is shared by many said. direct ties to Masonic symbolism. Masonic influence creeping into Dordt College, faculty, but his viewpoint is softening over time. Whether or not this minimum class size affects On the other side of the figure are four pillars, that school that you call your own? Do a quick Though the initial pushback to the new the culture on campus and Dordt’s reputation one standing and a bit weathered, and the other Google search on my name. Open your eyes. minimum class size was fierce, most professors for a low teacher-to-student ratio remains to be three trailing away, increasingly beaten down Stay paranoid, my friends. have resigned themselves to the reality of larger seen. as they go. Underneath the figure is a pillar · News · page 3

New phone, new form of Surprise spending exasperates protection students Rain Mudsplash - Staff Writer has dropped by 60% as potential victims, instead Akra Nym - Staff Writer from students to serious artists.” of disturbing the 911 officer-on-call (which The week before, Engineering professors Have you ever been angry at a friend and can take anywhere from minutes to hours), Last week Thursday, the Engineering sent out students in search of a simple thrown your phone across the room? Ever felt have begun to just toss them at the perpetrator, Department professors sent out an email mathematical calculator that was not capable of trapped by your social media apps and wanted making sure that they no longer commit crimes. requiring specific erasers for class. Many graphing functions. VanDeer especially argues to get rid of your phone in a fit of fury? Or Angela De Pain was walking on the street students are dissatisfied with this demand, that he wants to challenge his class, and being wanted a legal hand grenade? of Chicago one blissful night when she was only the latest of several incidents in a chain of forced to use a basic hand-held calculator deters The Samsung phone Note 8, which will be disrupted by two men with guns. She recalls strange requests. them from taking the easy route. replacing its predecessor the faulty Note 7, them forcing her to hand over her bag. As The email called specifically for “large “What’s the big deal?” engineer Jake Wade focuses on protection and relevance through the they were scavenging through her things, they Paper Mate Pearl Pink erasers” which students asked. “First the calculators, now erasers!” said new additional feature of “mini-bomb.” picked up her phone. Their finger print did not consider unnecessary. Wade, “I didn’t come to college expecting to “We want to give our customers the register, and the phone violently responded “I’ve been using the same old purple pencil- invest this much cash into my classes. Don’t opportunity to explore new horizons, to be to the denial with a fizzing sound and a burst topper eraser for twelve whole weeks, and it’s they know college students have low budgets?” productive and to have more uses for a phone of bright light, after which De Pain woke ten been working just fine,” said freshman Amy So far, Wade hasn’t experienced any problems than just being a phone,” said Samsung’s CEO feet from the scene with a broken arm but was DeLynn. with using a graphing calculator for his Fixda Fone. otherwise completely unharmed. DeLynn remembers seeing the email for assignments, and he’s not happy with professor The bomb deploys after users mistype the “I feel more secure with the phone around,” the first time, peering closely at the screen in expectations for new tools. Wade expressed four-number code or when they press “timer” she said with fondness. “I grew up on a farm far disbelief, and then slamming the lid of her concern over this progression, even warning on the clock application. In both scenarios, a from civilization, and each time I visit big cities laptop closed in disgust. But she isn’t the only other students about taking that course next wave of fire surges ten feet from the device. like New York or Chicago, I feel safe now.” one who was miffed by such requests. Several semester. Many customers have praised Samsung for Sioux Center resident Ben Drool told the others spent their Friday afternoon on the steps “Next thing you know, they’ll make us show their new products, posting online videos on Zircon about how one cold night, he was locked of Jacob’s Ladder with large cardboard signs in up to class with brand-name staplers,” said the usefulness of the “mini-bomb.”Critics and out of his house. He was frozen and could not protest, but so far with no results. Wade. governments officials around the globe have move. Then, he remembered his phone, which “I don’t even like pink,” said DeLynn, In true thrifty fashion, Wade and a handful praised the invention as “super safe” and “super allowed him to blow open the front door of his sighing in frustration. of other students pooled their funds and scoured useful” and “biggest literal blockbuster of the house. Sitting back in his cushioned black swivel Amazon for the best deals. They soon agreed year.” Officials have attributed the reduction in “I’m gonna get more of these,” Drool said. chair, Professor VanDeer related his reasoning that the three-pack calculator was a serious violence to the invention. “It’s the most valuable phone of 2016.” for sending out the email. save. Governor Pet Instone said that gun violence “I want the absolute best performance from The Education department has been suffering students,” VanDeer said. He has concluded that as well. Next week the education classes won’t top test results are achieved when only optimum be using the traditional number two pencil – tools are used. According to the internet, he they’ll be filling in the bubbles on their quizzes Quidditch at Dordt College claims, the rubber elastomer compound with with Crayola crayons. Professor Martin DeVin which the erasers are made create negative explained that the Scantron wasn’t accepting space with the exact precision that he finds anything else but Crayola marks as of late. Whilhelmina Krum - Staff Writer well throw out all their Reformed textbooks the assignments require. In further research, “We’ll market the change as ‘There’s a child since they’ve practically tossed out all their VanDeer found that this particular pink in all of us’ or something,” DeVin said. “I am delighted by this, I really am,” J.K. convictions by allowing such an immoral parallelogram was designed to suit “everyone Rowling said in response to a reporter who sport to infiltrate campus. The athletes play on asked her how she felt about Dordt College’s brooms, for Pete’s sake!” adoption of the sport that she personally created. Leading up to the crucial vote on whether That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, Quidditch or not to bring the sport to Dordt, there was is coming to Dordt College. serious debate about Dordt College’s ability J.K. Rowling initially created the sport to be to take on another sport. Those in opposition played at Hogwarts, a school of magic buried argued that college students aren’t ready to New department chair looks to deep in the English countryside. The sport decide for themselves whether their personal surpassed cultural boundaries, however, when convictions would allow them to play or even recent election candidates for it gained popularity with American youth and watch this controversial sport. After all, in terms young adults after professional Quidditch player of the recent election, college campuses across Harry Potter became famous in 1997. The game the nation are finding themselves protecting new curriculum gained even more acclaim when documentaries students because apparently young adults are Liber Tar’yan - Staff Writer The department is adding additional defense about Harry Potter first became popular in 2001. physically incapable of handling objections or classes entitled Terrorism: Where and How to “Who would have thought that my little bad news. After the recent election, Dordt College Suspect It and Build the Wall: Making America idea could have spread to the outskirts of “Clearly students must be pamper – I mean, has decided to hire a new Political Science Great Again. civilization, to the northwest corner of Iowa, protected! We wouldn’t want someone to have Department Chair, Gary Partisan, to educate The International Relations class hopes of all places. When I designed it [Quidditch] I their ideas or opinions challenged. College is students in Hillump politics. He plans to to expose students to politics around the never could have foreseen this,” said Rowling a time to have fun, not a time for growth and incorporate these political ideas in all Political world while teaching them about America’s when questioned on the scope of Quidditch’s conviction. I’m afraid the addition of this sport Science classes. superiority to other countries. reach. just presents too much of a serious question Professor Partisan received his “I’m excited to see what I saw in the Dordt students are thrilled about the new for students to answer on their own,” said a undergraduate degree in Political Studies from election debates, in the political commercials sport. Although team members have not yet concerned Dordt faculty member. American University in Washington D.C., with and on my Spotify station playing a key role been selected, fierce competition is in the air as “My mom didn’t let me read the books or a graduate degree in Scandal and One-Liner in my classes,” said Levi Vander Molen, junior try-outs loom in the future. From freshmen to speak about you-know-who [Harry Potter and Political Persuasion. Political Science major at Dordt College. seniors to commuters, all men and women of all his friends], so of course I’m not going to try “Our students seemed distraught and In the spring, Partisan plans to teach a ages will compete for a spot on the team. out for the team!” said a Dordt freshman who confused as to how to vote in the recent Global Security Issue class focused on keeping While many of the students are enthusiastic was homeschooled until this fall. election,” said Dordt College Political Science immigrants and refugees out of America. about the athletic addition, others are not so “Besides,” she adds, “it would be immodest to professor Jeff Taylor. “But the exemplary “It may seem unfamiliar” he said, “but it is the exultant. ride astride a broom with my jean skirt, and I’m politics and intellectual talk shown by each trend, and it coincides with the Build the Wall: “It’s baffling. I can’t believe that people are not allowed to wear anything else.” candidate were novel.” Making America Great Again class offered in so interested in this idea,” said one disgruntled Despite the few protesting voices, though, Taylor teaches American National Politics, the fall.” local Reformed church leader who wishes to the majority won out, and Quidditch will be International Relations and Contemporary In addition, spring classes, American remain anonymous. offered as an official sport at Dordt College next Political Thought this semester. Next fall, Constitutional Law and Public Policy, will “It’s witchcraft, it’s evil, and Dordt might as fall. he plans to adjust those classes to include include topics related to email etiquette and Three new Dordt transfer students take to the skies in an aggressive game of Quidditch. the perspectives of the previous two party healthcare reform. Photo credit: Kyle Fosse. candidates—Hillary Clinton and Donald “Even though I did not support either Trump. of the two main party candidates this year, Partisan saw the candidates as good I feel Professor Partisan will help students worldwide exposure for America. Their understand the trends in Hillump politics,” said contribution to American politics cannot be Caeden Tinklenberg, Senior Chair of Student forgotten. Symposium. “Understanding and engaging Partisan’s graduate degrees emphasized culture—even politics—is what we do at “winning” in debates, using your hands to make Dordt.” your points and appropriately using the word The election increased interest in politics “WRONG” (with emphasis necessary for full and the Poli-Sci department expects student effect) to contradict your opponent. He also enrollment in the program to grow. mentioned the importance of incorporating “We are excited about potential student scandal into politics as a form of distraction and growth,” said Partisan. “Using the modern using private emails for the majority of political techniques and practices from our recent two dialogue between colleagues. party candidates allows us to remain engaged in Next year, Taylor plans to teach American the present direction of politics.” National Politics from a defense perspective. page 4 · News ·

Merry Christmas and Crappy Extreme Dutch bingo: Oh, New Year brother, THERE art thou Elleley Cammuizinga - Staff Writer finding a sibling. Maybe I’ll, like, totally write Belinda Eeyore - Staff Writer with ideas of what to get your special someone one.” for Christmas, no worries - you have about two Many of us have found relatives at Dordt As it turns out, Vanderslaag was accidentally Imagine yourself, a poor college student, full months to look at all the different options to we never knew existed, all thanks to Dutch left behind at the hospital and had been taken walking through the aisles of Walmart just two get them. The preview magazines usually come bingo. But all of the Dutch bingo stories shared home by one of the night nurses. The nurse, days after Halloween, looking for some cheap out before Halloween and then the gifts will be over stroopwafels and fancy tea are nothing curiously named Vanderslaag, assumed the candy. While looking for Halloween candy, you available for the next several months. compared to the experience of junior English child was hers when she noticed the label on stop for a minute because you hear what sounds But we can’t forget about Black Friday. You major Jenna Vanderslaag. the basket. like Christmas music. You think to yourself, have probably already seen ads going around She found a sibling. “I think it’s because they, like, misspelled my “It can’t be Christmas music already. It’s only the past couple weeks showing all the good “People on campus have been, like, telling name or something,” Vanderslaag said. “The two days after Halloween.” But sure enough - deals you can attempt to get –as long as you us we, like, look alike for almost two years,” space is really important. Like, crucial.” it is Christmas music. Then, to your surprise, don’t get trampled. Thousands of other people Vanderslaag admitted. “I just, like, wow, I can’t It should be noted that children are not while wandering throughout the store, you find are rushing around, too— trying to get the best believe I, like, found a brother, you know? I’ve normally placed in baskets and labelled at that there’s no leftover discounted candy to be deals on items that will be just as cheap, if not wanted a brother for, like, ever. Soli Deo gloria, hospitals anymore, strictly to prevent situations found. At all! cheaper, after the holiday season. right?” like this. Research shows that the exact same After giving up the solo search, you finally Merna Vandenberg, a 58-year-old Walmart Her long-lost sibling turned out to be none thing has happened at hospitals near rival hunt down a Walmart employee to ask for help. employee, said she used to always love other than fellow student and senior English colleges Northwestern, Calvin and Hope, each To your despair, they tell you they’re already Christmastime until she started working at major Ryan Van Derslaag (the space is silent). with a different name but the same tragic story. sold out of Halloween candy, but they do have Walmart nearly 3 years ago. Now, instead of “We met in one of those department meeting “It’s sad to think that, like, this has, like, full-price Christmas candy. being enchanted by Christmas, she almost things that no one ever goes to. Apparently, happened all over the place,” said Vanderslaag. So what happened to Thanksgiving? There are dreads it. She has to listen to Christmas music she’s my long-lost sister or something?” Van “I mean, it was really fun to figure out I had, like, more Christmas decorations out there than you for two and a half months, knowing all seven Derslaag said. “Not long-lost enough, I guess, a little brother, but I wish I had, like, known him can throw a stick at. songs by heart thanks to the endless repetition, ‘cause she found me.” longer. Had the chance to, like, do his hair when Sofia Martinez, a valued Walmart customer, and she has to listen to parents complain when Years of couch-potato living and a pizza- he was too young to care, and make him watch just recently moved to the United States from they’re sold out of “the only toy little Timmy only diet stunted Van Derslaag’s growth long rom-com movies with me, like, all the time.” Mexico and mentioned that she always buys wanted for Christmas.” ago, making him a year older and nearly a foot “I’m really glad I didn’t meet her sooner,” said discounted candy for her children, as well as Honestly, the simplest solution would be to shorter than Vanderslaag. Van Derslaag. “Actually, given the choice, I’d for her nieces and nephews. She also liked to move the holiday up a month to save us all the “A little brother,” Vanderslaag says. “That’s probably have postponed the meeting a couple stock up on the discounted costumes for them prolonged pain. Stores wouldn’t have to worry how it works, right? I don’t, like, know these more years. There’s only so many ‘likes’ I can to use the next year, but they were sold out of about decorating early. After all, they already things. I watched The Parent Trap, like, four take. I’m not a Facebook status.” those, too. decorated for Christmas on Nov. 1. times, but there’s no manual for suddenly, like, With Thanksgiving about a week away, Candy cane streamers are everywhere. Next all of these crazy truths are even more true. thing you know, we’ll see lawn decorations of Everything “pumpkin spice” will soon turn Santa Clause and his reindeer and elves in yards into “peppermint spice.” Starbucks has already long before the first actual snow, even while brought out their red and green cups for there are still leaves on the ground. Maybe Student in search of Commons Christmas. If you’re having trouble coming up before there are leaves on the ground. cutlery chokes on chicken Have a holly jolly Thanksgiving? Walmart saturates store with premature Christmas cheer. Mergern DeGerf - Staff Writer knife. They’re not gonna give me a fork; fine. I’ll innovate. I’ll work around what I’m given. Last week, freshman Dina Eetsfast began the I’ll think outside the box. I just didn’t expect it process of suing Dordt College Dining Services to cause so much pain,” she said, with a single after an incident involving a knife and an tear falling from her left eye. undercooked chicken. The knife lacked proper sharpness and the “I was just eating my half-cooked chicken chicken was not cooked enough to cut it into breast one night,” she reminisced, her face pieces, but Eetsfast again got creative. She growing darker as she considered the horrors of stuck the whole chicken breast on her knife that fateful evening. “It was a sunny evening, a and bit off pieces using her large and strangely good time to walk to the Commons to eat dinner knife-like teeth. with my friends. Unfortunately, everyone else But out of nowhere, the grease and butter seemed to have the same idea.” lathered on the white meat caused the chicken Dina had to stand in a long line for her to slip off the knife, and she felt her life flash undercooked chicken and overcooked carrots, before her eyes as the entire piece of meat slid and she was then forced to wait for an awkwardly down her throat, choking her. tall guy to move out of the way so she could get “It was so sudden,” she said, weeping. some fruit. By the time she and her friends were She added that some good did come from the ready to sit down, the silverware was gone. horrible event. “I’m thankful my boyfriend was “There were just… no forks. None,” Eetsfast right there to give me the Heimlich and save my said. “It was a disappointing moment for me. I life. I’m so blessed to have him. We’ve already really expected better.” been dating for two weeks and I think this really Student found unconscious in But after waiting in line for so long, Eetsfast sealed the deal.” would not give up that easily. She would never Eetsfast hopes to win the case in order to bring Covenant Hall let such a small setback ruin her dinner. to light the issues surrounding student dining “I basically said ‘screw it’ and grabbed a and the dangers of cutlery shortage. Lucinda Woods - Staff Writer my homework so I went to bed,” Swaan said. “Until you started freaking out.” On Thursday, Nov. 13, sophomore Swaan was quickly taken to a doctor and Engineering major Becka Vonke frantically evaluated for comatose symptoms. called Student Health Services to report that “Going to bed at 9?” Vonke says. “You’ve got she had discovered her roommate, sophomore to be kidding me! This is college! It had to have Dordt adds Canadian culture to Theater major Anna Swaan, unconscious and been serious. I thought she had to be delirious. wrapped in blankets on the floor of Covenant There was no other explanation.” 399 at 9:05 p.m. CST. “It’s rather rare for this sort of thing to occur core program “Anna’s not moving!” Vonke is reported to on college campuses,” said Director of Campus King Leo - Staff Writer human being with the presidency. Many have said, according to 911 call records. “I came Health Services Beth Baas. “I certainly can’t Canadians are ecstatic to have Americans take into the dorm and she’s just lying unresponsive remember another case like this.” Dordt faculty and staff are excited to this class because of the lack of knowledge that in bed! Something’s wrong!” Swaan is now doing fine and has returned to announce a new class within the culture studies Americans have about that wild north yonder. However, while Vonke was explaining the classes and college life as normal. She issued program: Canadian 101. Professor Canadeh Canaday Veldhuzien, a Canadian student, says situation to the emergency respondent and most a statement via tweet early Saturday morning. Tremblay will teach this course that promises to she is excited to see Dordt bringing in some of the students who happened to be in the hall “I don’t see why everyone is freaking out feature “the uniqueness of Canada.” Tremblay Canadian culture. at the time, Swaan shocked everyone by sitting right now. I just went to bed a little earlier than will offer helpful hints to mastering many “I’m really tired of people asking me all the up. normal,” Swaan said. “Honestly, I used to go to of Canada’s cultural idiosyncrasies, such as time, ‘what other words do Canadians say,’” “Becka, please stop yelling,” Swaan is bed at nine every day!” the pronunciation of sorry (ˈsɑr·i) to (sore·i) Veldhuzien said. “It will be nice for Americans reported to have said groggily. “I’m trying to After five days of recovering from the trauma, to pull off an authentic accent, in addition to to take this class to finally learn what real sleep.” Vonke was able to calm down enough to reflect methods of correctly adding “eh” to the ends Canadian lingo involves.” Vonke wasted no time expressing concern for on the experience. of sentences and effectively introducing maple Dordt’s Academic Enrichment Center invites her roommate. “Anna! Are you OK?” Vonke “I’m so relived everything turned out alright,” syrup to every diet. native Canadians to apply for the position purportedly yelled. “You were passed out on Vonke said. “I can’t imagine what would have Tremblay will teach Americans authentic of peer tutor in anticipation of the influx of the bed!” happened if I hadn’t done anything. It’s just not politeness and the right way to stay out of Americans who will have a hard time grasping “What? I was just sleeping, I was done with natural to go to bed that early in college!” politics – that is, how to avoid honoring a Canada’s language and culture. · News · page 5

Dordt faces new threat from Protestors make headlines legalization of essential oils post-St. Carle election Leighton VanderMooi - Staff Writer But in a shocking turn of events, only a week Limberbutt McCubbins - Staff Writer resonate with these comments, including and a half after the election, the protesters had Robert Taylor III, Dean of Students. “Dordt After a long and malicious campaign season, convinced the government to name Ms. Smith In an election cycle featuring two of the most will take the necessary actions to prevent any the country of St. Carle held its presidential the new-new president of St. Carle. polarizing presidential candidates in recent real trouble on campus in the next few months. election on Nov. 8, 2016. Supporters of Mr. Doe began protests of their history, many were thankful for the merciful In the meantime, the college is planning on A winner was announced later that night: John own before having to disband in order to go ending given on Nov. 8. While Gary Johnson going to court to seek exemption and remain an Doe, the leader of the Open Freedom Party back to their jobs. and Jill Stein provided abstract hope to a voting Essential Oils free campus,” said Taylor. The (OFP). His victory came as a shock to the small Ms. Smith recently held a press conference population fixated on Donald Trump and Hillary current plan to seeking exemption is based on nation of 5 million people. addressing the change in events. Clinton, another important voting measure the claim that the new law inhibits the religious The perceived favorite was Open Progressive “So, it’s been what they call a historic event, lurked beneath the surface. Unbeknownst to practices of the institution. “We are aware of the Party (OPP) leader Jane Smith. She achieved but to be really historic, we have to do a great many Iowa voters, the controversial substance fact that students often attempt to replace the her fame as the first woman running for job,” Smith said. “And I promise you that I will known as Essential Oils was on the ballot to be Holy Spirit with the supposed healing qualities president in the country’s 550-year history. not let you down. We will do a great job.” legalized starting in 2017. of the oils,” explained Taylor, “These oils offer Tuesday night, protests erupted all over the In other national news, Donald J. Trump was Essential Oils is a substance often used in the false promise that a person can bring about island as citizens chanted “Not my president.” elected President of the United States. diffusors to alter a person’s mental and/or calm and peace in their own life; something The rallies and demonstrations lasted throughout Protestors of St. Carle take to the streets. physical state. Examples of this substance’s only God and the Holy Spirit can accomplish.” the week as more people turned out in force, Photo credit: Kyle Fosse effects include relieved stress and tension, Dordt is planning on pulling their top hoping to change the government’s mind on drowsiness, and even altered physical lawyers from the case seeking exemption from their newly elected leader. Other protestors appearance. Once these oils are placed into Obamacare and the abortion drug to fight the were in mourning, needing emotional support a diffusor, they are vaporized and can impact new law. from fellow citizens. anyone in the enclosed area. The total impact of this new law has yet to James Jones, Dordt’s new badminton coach Unfortunately, any news about this law be seen, but be sure to expect changes to come and the school’s only connection to the small went unnoticed thanks to the media directing soon to Dordt and the rest of Iowa. To get more island nation, said he wasn’t surprised at the attention towards the presidential race; resulting information about Essential Oils and how they outcome of the election, nor at the people’s in the vote passing with little resistance. can affect your life, go to youngliving.com. response. What are the implications for Dordt “St. Carlians are a very passionate and College? Since the college resides in Iowa, the temperamental people,” Jones said. “They don’t campus students can now openly trade, sell and Controversial essential oils in their natural like when they are wrong or things don’t go habitat. use essential oils freely – news that is music to their way. Especially the younger generation.” the ears of some Dordt residents. For several years, students had been dealing behind closed doors and out in dark parking lots like Siberia. Among the students who rejoiced upon hearing the news was Henry Muers, a well-known Satanic rituals spell trouble for dealer in Southview. “This definitely changes things for my business,” Muers exclaimed, “I’ve been having Kuyper residents to smuggle [Essential Oils] across the Canadian Artanis Knarf - Staff Writer we have dealt with this situation accordingly,” border for over two years.” said Taylor, remarking that the names of the Muers and others are optimistic that an open The dog days of summer are finally over and offenders were surprising. “Some of our best market will encourage safer use along with a the cooler temperatures are seeing the advent and brightest, most outgoing students were sense of open mindedness. of students walking outside, and with this, the involved in the sacrifices – many of your Despite the positive feelings arising from the evidence of satanic rituals. colleagues and friends. They will be undergoing student population, Dordt faculty and staff are In the bushes behind the BJ Haan, a large extensive counseling sessions offered by Pastor wary of the implications of the new law. Derek amount of incriminating evidence was Baart and other local ministers.” Buteyn of Residence Life at Dordt College discovered, revealing multiple Dordt students’ After talking with the students, police stated, “This isn’t a joking matter, and we don’t involvement in Satanic rituals. Pentagrams, discovered that they had turned to the rituals want a substance as dangerous as Essential Oils candles, spell books and dead animals of every after their complaints about low internet in the hands of our student body.” sort were found after a student – who wished to bandwidth speeds in the Kuyper apartments Several other members of Dordt’s hierarchy remain anonymous – caught sight of a horse leg appeared to go unnoticed by Dordt College’s poking through a hedge. faculty and maintenance. “I saw the foot and pulled on it. I fell back “They said they had tried everything they onto the ground when I realized that it wasn’t could think of,” said Chief of Sioux Center attached to anything,” said the traumatized Police Paul Adkins. “They talked to various Student lobby for early student. “After poking through the bushes and faculty members, complained frequently to finding a pentagram, I called campus security.” professors, submitted maintenance request Thanksgiving Break wins Robert Taylor, Dean for Campus Life, was forms via email – they were out of ideas. Then horrified at the news of Satanism occurring on someone had the idea to appeal to the Prince of campus and ordered a full investigation of the Darkness for help.” approval area. According to Kuyper apartment residents, the Bertha Bedraggled - Staff Writer students across campus are creating a buzz “We take every case that comes before us internet speeds had improved significantly since about their plans over break. Word on the street very seriously,” said Taylor. “It grieves me that the time that students professed to have begun For college students, the enticing allure of an has it that many students are planning to play students are resorting to this sort of behavior their sacrifices. approaching break seems to always correlate hooky, skipping out on classes on Monday the and makes me wonder whether Dordt College “Oh yeah, the internet was great,” replied with a sharp plunge in motivation, attitude and, 21st to gain a whole extra weekend. is fulfilling its intended purposes.” one student who wished to remain anonymous. for the Huck Finns of campus, class attendance. “There’s no way I’m sticking around till Among the evidence, police found an “Every once in a while the internet browser This year’s Thanksgiving break has proven to Monday night to go home,” said Missouri abundance of DNA evidence and the word would open up to weird websites with ‘666’ and be no exception. native Scott Byus. “Giving us Tuesday off was ‘wi-fi’ frequently spelled out in many of the ‘Behold the Antichrist,’ but I just thought I had The student body has once again come a gift that will just keep on giving. They gave us rituals and spells. Through the DNA and further an annoying virus or something.” together in protest against holding classes on an inch, so I’m taking a mile.” interrogations, 13 students were found to be The student also brought up the fact that the last day before break begins — Tuesday, Many professors, fearful of exactly this sort involved with the rituals. Dordt authorities bandwidth speeds had decreased significantly Nov. 22. After an unblemished dry spell of no of insurrection on campus, object to the early refused to release the students’ identities. since the perpetrators had been caught. mercy, the Dordt administration has finally dismissal. They’ve slaved long and hard over “We are still processing what has transgressed “Honestly, I think I’d be alright if they started come to their senses and decided to cancel all their lesson plans for that particular Tuesday and here, and we think it would be foolish to give out up again,” the student said. “It seems like a classes on Tuesday the 22nd. feel that it’s a waste of educational resources for their identities for the campus newspaper until small price to pay for good internet.” “It just doesn’t make sense to keep my their students to miss out on a day of learning. The Kuyper Apartments may look innocent on the outside, but underneath, they hide a dark students caged up in the classroom when they’re “It’s just a tragedy that students are being secret. all dying to leave, anyway,” said Professor Barb allowed to leave early,” said Professor Dane Hookstra. “It’s pointless to teach when only Bahema. “I’ve been teaching here at Dordt one-third of the class shows up. That’s why I for 31 years and not once have I seen such told Eric he was going to be sleeping in North manipulation rise up from the masses of the Hall if he didn’t give the kids the day off.” student body. Today’s youth are just plain out All across the country (and Canada), moms of control.” are setting an extra place at the table with sheer Regardless of how rebellious or manipulative joy that their babies are coming home a day today’s college kids may be, they’ll no doubt early. Desperate empty-nesters cherish Dordt enjoy their extra day – or weekend – to go more than ever now that Dordt is respecting the enjoy quality time with the family members that fact that students miss their moms and want to they’ve missed so much. go home. Ecstatic with the news of early dismissal, page 6 · Sports ·

Dordt to join B1G conference Modest is hottest

Samantha Ponder – Staff Writer schools.” Xander York – Staff Writer you play good. Plus, my boyfriend likes the Other coaches around the conference aren’t shorts.” Due to the newfound success of the football so sure about this change, especially in the Dordt College volleyball hosted a press Other players are against the move for program, Athletic Director Glen Bouzma held realm of football. Michigan football head coach conference on Friday, Nov. 11, to announce practical reasons. a press conference this week to announce Jim Harbaugh is uncertain as to what kind of new guidelines for uniforms the team will “As a defensive specialist and libero, I that Dordt will enter the Big Ten Conference. message this will be sending. He doesn’t want adhere to, including switching spandex shorts need to be flexible and range in all directions Bouzma said that he feels all of the sports at people thinking that just because their schools’ for sweatpants. to dig spikes, serves and so on,” said Jill Dordt are now up to par with fellow Big Ten teams are improving that they can all join the “The move really was a simple decision,” Scholten. “Sweatpants will only prohibit that schools and Dordt can compete with the best Big Ten. said Defender volleyball head coach Chad ease of movement, and I think it’ll put us at a of them. “I know my team just got beat by the Hansons. “Modest is hottest. It’s really about disadvantage.” “I think we can all safely say we saw this Hawkeyes, but how far will Commissioner making everyone feel more comfortable, from Players aren’t the only faction against the coming,” Bouzma said. “It was just a matter Delaney take this?” Harbaugh questioned. the players to the fans.” volleyball uniform changes. A faction of of time and a matter of logistics to get all the “There are already 14 teams in the Big Ten. We Hansons felt strongly about the move, one male students on Dordt’s campus — calling details ironed out.” need to put the kibosh on this nonsense.” he’s been trying to accomplish during the past themselves Sports Need Shorts — is planning Reactions around campus regarding this Going into effect during the 2017-2018 two seasons. weekly protests outside the clock tower on change have been mixed. Most of the coaches school year, all of Dordt’s athletic teams will “If our women are concerned about how they Fridays at 11 a.m. are excited for this new challenge to present be competing in the Big Ten. Bouzma will look on the floor, they’ll be distracted from the “Whether Dordt realizes it or not, attendance to their athletes. Some welcome the change, also be looking into adding gymnastics, field gameplan,” Hansons said. “Plus, now nobody will go down,” said Eric Van Maanen, a Sports saying it has been a long time coming and hockey, rowing, badminton, swimming, tennis, can claim our women are causing men to stray Need Shorts member. “The short shorts aren’t it’s about time this is happening. One of the wrestling and women’s lacrosse in the coming down a sinful path. Sweatpants scream, ‘Keep the only reason I go, especially if Dordt is good, college’s newest coaches, football Head Coach years. it in your pants.’ Spandex shorts, not so much.” but they certainly make the whole experience Joe Pender, is glad he could help accelerate this Contributed photo All uniform changes will go into effect better for the fans.” process. starting with the 2017-18 academic calendar. As part of the protests, Sports Need Shorts “I knew this was something Bouzma wanted The changes will have no effect on this season members plan to wear speedos in attempts to to do – it was talked about in my hiring process,” as Dordt gears up for this year’s national demonstrate the allure of revealing the legs, Pender said. “I just didn’t expect it to happen so tournament. even through the winter. soon. I’m thrilled we have helped the process The uniform changes appear to have the “We’re a little concerned about wearing along and the decision practically made itself.” full support of the Dordt College Athletic speedos outdoors through the winter, but Big Ten Conference Commissioner James Department. sometimes you have to do something crazy to Delaney says he is excited to admit Dordt into “Look, this motion has been presented at our make a lasting point,” Van Maanen said. the conference as the group’s first small, private yearly fall athletics conference in August for Hansons is confident that, given time, people school, and he hopes that this will open the door two straight years,” said Dordt Athletic Director will come to support this uniform decision. to other smaller schools. Glenn Bouman. “We just couldn’t take hearing “I recognize not everyone is happy with “I want to start something of an athletic his same speech anymore, so of course we went the move to sweatpants,” Hansons said. “But revolution,” Delaney said. “Maybe if all goes along.” if we look at this issue again in four years, I well with Dordt, we can start a Big Ten of small Not everyone is happy with the volleyball think more Christian colleges will start to lean uniform changes. Several players voiced their toward our decision and follow suit. We have disapproval for the move from spandex shorts the chance to be real trendsetters in our modern to sweatpants. society.” “I’m not going to lie: I feel hot in those tight, For now, Dordt volleyball will attempt to turn short shorts,” said defensive specialist Audrey its focus to the NAIA national tournament. Cross country team runs to Brake. “When you look good and feel good, Loose movement may not require tight pants as Dordt volleyball ditches spandex for sweatpants. meet; still wins Photo credit: Dordt College T. Swizzle - Staff Writer productive anyway.” Team Manager Jennie Droog drove along Long distance runners often say, “Cross with the team en route to Sioux City, passing out country is 100% mental…and we’re all insane.” water bottles to thirsty runners. Every couple of Last week, the Dordt College cross country miles, she held up a sign that said “Run Forest team proved the statement with equal amounts Run” and cheered for her boyfriend – a lanky of insanity and sheer domination when the team kid who, oddly, resembled a young Tom Hanks. ran 45 miles to their meet in Sioux City and then Forest was the first to arrive at the racecourse proceeded to win the competition there. and proceeded to win the men’s 8K race. “We just needed to get in a few more miles Coach Wolf commented on the progress of to reach our weekly mileage goal,” said senior the team after both men and women swept the Ben Brockmueller. “So we figured that running team titles at the Briar Cliff Invite. to the meet would be a good way to boost our “We’re doing better at getting our mileage mileage and get us warmed up for the race.” in and not wasting excess energy,” Wolf said. Several freshmen on the team, still a little raw “This team just wants to go, and I got tired of from high school, said their legs felt slightly like holding them back. Now that they’ve had a Jell-O on the 45-mile run. They also complained taste of a 45-mile warm-up, it’s going to be hard that they lost too much sleep. In order to make to keep them satisfied.” it to the race, which started at 10 a.m., the team If he’s feeling generous, Wolf claims that had to start running at about 3 a.m. he might let the ladies run part of the way to While the long run may have been a bit of the National Championship meet in southern a shock to some athletes’ bodies, head coach Illinois. Mannequin becomes Nate Wolf believes that it’s healthy to get those “I can’t wait to run more,” said junior Erika competitive juices flowing with a longer warm- Douma. “It’s a craving that I just can’t quench.” up. Thirsty for more, the Defenders look to mannequin-not challenge Much of the team agrees that it’s a good way turn their wheels a few thousand more miles Austin Hough, Ace Reporter – Staff Writer all, and we couldn’t do anything! We quickly to expend some nervous energy before the race. between now and Nationals. rushed him to the E.R., where they finally got “I just can’t get enough of running, so that A brand-new, social media challenge has him to start breathing again.” jog to Sioux City was legit,” said senior Caleb recently emerged. Many remember the ice Students hope and pray for a quick Drake. “I have restless leg syndrome, so I bucket challenge, the cinnamon challenge, recovery for the anonymous freshman as he is might as well get up at 3 a.m. and do something and others - but this one stands out from the on bed-rest for the remainder of the month. rest. Introducing, the mannequin challenge! Professors say that the mannequin challenge In this contest, people stand absolutely still, should be banned from Dordt’s campus because trying not to make a single movement or even of how dangerous it has proved to be. breathe – like mannequins – while making a “The college will be going into a detailed Diamond Staff 2016-2017 video. A popular hit with many sports teams investigation of the incident, but for now we Editors: Features Editor: Ashley Huizinga Anna Veltkamp across the nation, this pastime is not without recommend that none of the college teams, or Jonathan Janssen Jaden Vander Berg Clarissa Jenna Wilgenberg consequences. Recently, the Dordt Blades actually any students, try the challenge until Ashley Bloemhof Kraayenbrink Alli Young Sports Editor: Aaron Ladzinski Christian Zylstra decided as a team to take on the challenge, but we receive more information on the subject. Layout Designers: Christian Zylstra Lydia Marcus the results proved disastrous. If it proceeds to become a life-threatening Brittany Duncan Josh Meribole Photography: As senior Dylan Bartels described the scene, event, then we need to protect ourselves,” said Staff Writers: Eric Rowe Kyle Fosse he had difficulty recounting the majority of President Hoekstra in a bold statement shortly Copy Editor: Josh Bootsma April Socolofsky Heath Brower the story – the tears were almost too much to after the incident occurred. Ashley Huizinga Ana Timmer Staff Adviser: handle. These challenges are becoming more Janelle Cammenga Cory Van Gilst Lee Pitts Elizabeth Helmkamp “All I remember is everyone was super still, dangerous and continuing to harm people. This and were doing great! But as soon we were is just one of multiple examples which, though done…that one freshman whose name I can’t devastating, will hopefully bring people to their remember was on the ground, not breathing at senses. · Opinion · page 7

Picking up the pieces after Cry for help drives student to election action with new food pantry Wilhelmina Maxima van Oranje - Staff Writer is actually more popular than both sports Mergen DeGerf - Staff Writer anime somewhere else” because “it’s weird,” combined. It’s our national pastime, and we or it could have become a spot for his action We’ve spent the past year being treated to take great pride in it.” Paying for food while living in the apartments figures to be displayed. But sitting in his kitchen continuous discussions of the best and worst Many students have expressed similar is tough. Like, super hard. I have been eating eating the last cup of Ramen in his pantry, it candidates for the office of Commander in sentiments. Dordt senior Abraham Bavink says Ramen noodles for the past three weeks. Morale struck him. He could do some real good for the Chief of the United States. These discussions that, like any other sport, election season should is low and the troops are suffering. There are community with this extra space. have been consistently gracious, enlightening be an annual affair. dirty dishes piled high in the sink and I don’t So VanMan took all his money out of the bank and encouraging. In the days preceding Nov. 8, “We do have elections every year,” corrects even know what food they’re from, because and generously spent that fifty dollars on food citizens radiantly expressed confidence in the Bavink’s roommate Nathan Vander Sluis. “We I haven’t eaten anything in so long. It’s like items. He got mostly cheap stuff like Ramen and future of this country. just need to publicize them more. Like, maybe they’re mocking me, telling me that I could saltines, but he also splurged on a few healthy However, now that Election Day has passed, we should have local candidates leave things have some real food if only I’d go to Walmart options as well. After packing his purchases a pall of epic proportions covers the country. in our mailboxes and put ads on YouTube. And and pay for groceries. That pile of dishes is a into his vehicle in the Walmart parking lot, he The nation has been deprived of its favourite there should be stuff on Facebook and the news memorial of stubbornness that hurts me each estimated that he had “like, ten pounds of baby form of entertainment, and citizens do not know about local elections, too.” time I walk out the door. carrots and bottles of ranch, a ton of apples, what to do with all the free time they have to Bavink also proposed that the Maybe I could go to the Commons and use some grapes and even a few bags of lettuce.” contemplate things besides government. No presidential election season should begin two those five ever-so-helpful meals I get each week, He also dragged the spare fridge he used for longer are they fed character assessments of years in advance. “It’s a big decision, you know. but that sometimes seems even more daunting his root beer into the room and set up a pantry. politicians in every YouTube ad, pleas for We need all the prep time we can get. Also, it than preparing my own food. I would have to After he was happy with the finished product, support in television commercials or helpful seems like by the time Election Day comes walk all the way across campus, straining my he used Microsoft Word to create some really political brochures in their mailboxes. around, we’ve only just gotten started. There is poor little legs from their normal position on my snazzy posters advertising his food pantry and “We have to wait three whole years before so much more mud-slinging and muck-raking couch. Once there, I would not only have to eat hung them up around school — after getting the next presidential election season begins,” to do. It seems unjust to cut it short like that.” the food offered there, but I’d likely sit at a table them approved by Student Services, of course. says sophomore Michaela van den Winkle. Like any sort of withdrawal, the beginning is with another person and probably socialize with Visit Johnny VanMan the next time you’re “I just don’t know what I’m going to do now. tough, but it gets easier with time. some freshman or something. I get shivers just feeling low nourishment-wise, and he’ll help Maybe I’ll have to take up a hobby. Like cage “I’ll get used to it soon enough, I guess,” says thinking about the possibility. you survive. fighting. But I just don’t think it’ll be the same.” van den Winkle, “and I like our new President. But lo and behold, a hope rises in the distance! Political Science professor Herman Kuyper But I am looking forward to electing the next See him, our blessed hero, shine and bring us Contributed photo says, “Although most people would think one. Watching the elections is such good stress justice! From the great land of Hull, IA, he has football or baseball would be America’s relief from normal life.” come to deliver me and my fellow sufferers favourite sport, they don’t realize is that politics from our torturous lives. He has come to save us! Johnny VanMan has risen to the occasion and decided to bring help for the malnourished college students. Last week, he realized what a Student joins list of celebrities widespread epidemic this has become, and he decided to become not the hero people deserve, moving to Canada due to but the one they need. After one of his roommates moved out last year, VanMan was overwhelmed with the President-Elect Trump possibilities for the other half of the bedroom. He could have turned it into an additional TV Leighton VanderMooi - Staff Writer EB: Lena Dunham and Miley Cyrus space for when his suitemates tell him to “watch are starting a city of American refugees in Elle Blondisky, a sophomore Business major, Manitoba, near Winnipeg. They promised to joins the ranks of those threatening to move to offer solace to all Americans who can’t handle a the Great White North after the recent election. Trump presidency. Zircon: Let’s get right to the point - how are Z: Interesting…and what, do you think, drew you dealing with Hillary’s loss? them to Canada? A letter to Aaron Cubswinski Elle Blondisky: Not good. I seriously can’t EB: [Canadians] have such a stable handle this anymore. People are just so mean; government. Their leader is a really good Josh Bootsma and Cory Van Gilst - right? Oh wait. They both have three. they elected a big meanie. They are just super politician and you can tell he comes from such Staff Writers So although we can’t fault you for being sexist, not voting for a woman. America just a political background, unlike Trump. They a fan of a team whose starting pitcher takes hates women, and that’s why I’m leaving. also have snow - I like snow - and moose. On Dear Aaron Cubswinski, scissors to his jerseys and who now play at Z: Yes, you did post on various social media another note, they’re also still under the Queen You’ve been through a lot in the last two weeks “Guaranteed Rate Field,” a company whose platforms that you’ll be leaving. Are you still of England so having a queen would be pretty and, let’s be honest, it’s been embarrassing. logo is literally a big red arrow pointing into planning on following through with that? cool. From all of us at here at the Chicago Cubs the ground, we still think you should recognize EB: Of course! The protests around here Z: You seem adamant on going. I guess you organization, we’re sorry for you. You’ve been greatness when you witness it. Whether or not aren’t even making that much of a difference. haven’t heard that all of the celebrities who using our World Series drought to slander us you “hid away from any TV,” the world didn’t If you really want to make a point and stick promised to leave are now saying they’ll stay. since the day your parents told you that you end like you said it would. In fact, millions of it to the man, you have to leave the country Lena and Miley are backing out of their refugee were a Sox fan. And now that’s gone. We’re people woke up on November 3rd entranced in altogether. That’s why I am doing this. city plan as well. Thoughts? sorry to disappoint. We really are. Because now, the euphoric surrealism of a world where the Z: So, what’s next? What are your plans once EB: Well…looks like I’m staying. let’s be honest, the article you wrote two weeks Chicago Cubs actually won the World Series. you get there? ago is pretty embarrassing. So please. Stop calling our fandom desperate, Let’s think about it. As you astutely pointed our success overrated and our drought pathetic out, we fell to the “Miracle Mets” in ’69, during and just realize that the greatest moment in a year we thought we could win it all. And the American sports happened two weeks ago and road to victory has been tough. We thought we you got to witness it. You’re embarrassing Engineering degree to include might pull it off in 2003. And again in 2008. yourself. And last year. But you’re right; we didn’t. Sincerely, minor in singleness in 2017 But Aaron, the goat, Steve Bartman, the Your 2016 World Series Champion Chicago deaths of Ron Santo and Ernie Banks, and the Cubs Melinda Windstorm - Staff Writer be an option, due to the enormous amount of restoration of Wrigley Field were not, as you homework given on a daily basis.” say, “bad years.” They were merely a part of “Sorry I can’t hang out tonight – I have a date The minor is automatically given to all an elongated saga that ended in the rapturous with my homework” is a phrase too-commonly incoming freshmen as they adjust to the Contributed photo applause of millions of Cubs fans worldwide. uttered among Dordt’s engineering majors. advanced workload and multitude of complex Whether or not you want to say it, Aaron, it So, the department has decided to make a classes. is our year. It happened. This year, 2016, is the move on the issue. After seeing that student Dordt super-super-senior Travis Harris uses year that the greatest baseball team on the planet relationships were being affected by the the minor to help him keep his life organized won the most prestigious baseball award on the business of engineer’s lives, faculty and staff and bat away unwanted advances. planet, resulting in the greatest moment in the have come up with a minor in singleness in “The minor was a great way to let girls know history of American sports. What else could order to help engineering students cope with that I was too busy to enter a relationship,” possibly compare? Did White Sox World Series the stress that a heavy workload can put on Harris said. “Most of my Saturday nights viewership in 2005 reach 40 million viewers romantic relationships. were spent in the Science Building anyways, worldwide? Did the Cleveland Cavaliers wait “Engineering is one of the most time- so I didn’t see the need to question the minor. 108 years for their first championship? Did consuming majors when it comes to course Actually, I use the minor in my life even today the Denver Broncos’ victory parade draw load,” said Dug De Pit, bi-molecular – still single.” the seventh largest gathering in the history of engineering professor. “With this new minor, However, some engineers do drop the minor mankind? No, Aaron. They didn’t. But hey, engineers will simply be able to hand their due to the impending senior scramble and at least the Sox have had a 108-year head start transcripts to friends in order to make it known prioritizing relationships over a good night’s to win way more World Series than the Cubs, around campus that dating for them will not rest. page 8 · The Back Page ·

Cubs fanbase grows in Gym to become new “Brown numbers over past month Sphere Theatre” Xander York – Staff Writer “White Sox fans are starting to get fed up Sue Doenim – Staff Writer Glenn Bouma, the Athletic Director for Dordt with spending all that money and not having it College, said, “At first I thought this was a cruel Sports Illustrated released its yearly Sports translate into wins on the field,” said ESPN’s The tables have turned on the athletic joke, but then I started to see the logic behind Fandom survey on Thursday, Nov. 10, revealing Buster Only. Especially after last season’s department Friday, Nov. 11, when President the plan: the athletes run and the coaches can a 232% increase in Chicago Cubs fans among Adam LaRoche incident involving his kid, it’s Erik Hook-n-draw revealed a new 16-part plan just use the golf carts to get to and from the high Millennials, and a 156 % increase in the overall just not a good look for the White Sox.” to turn Dordt into a theatre-majority campus. school.” Cubs’ fanbase size. Sports Illustrated plans to run extensive The plans will not be underway until the 2017- However, there were still many left confused. Chicago is the third-largest city in the United studies on what factors directly correlate with 18 school year, but there are going to be major Teresa TerHaar, the head of the Theatre States of America, but researchers and experts the Cubs’ rise in fanbase population. It is changes coming to campus soon. Part 1 of the Department said, “I’m not sure why this is are flabbergasted at how many new Cubs fans unclear when to expect the study results to be 16-part plan is to hand the DeWitt gym over to happening. It doesn’t really make any sense to have emerged from the bushes. completed. the theatre department in order to renovate it take away the gym. I was hoping to get a little “I’m perplexed,” said Sports Illustrated senior “We just have no clue what the data will into a theatre. more space to create the bigger set pieces, so editor Emma Spain. “The Cubs were bad for so present,” Conweigh said. “It’s only after we “I always see the theatre students walking to we don’t have to keep making the set, taking long, but WGN America made them household receive all the data and start to sift through it the high school for their shows,” said Hook-n- it apart, bring it over to the high school, put it icons. Now they aren’t on WGN America, and that a timetable can start to develop.” draw. “I thought to myself, they don’t need that back together and repeat at the end of the show, their fanbase grows. It makes no sense.” Until the extensive study results are available much exercise, they’re just in theatre; it’s the but we didn’t think they would do this.” Slight increases and decreases in fanbases are to the public, only theories will suffice. athletes who really need it.” There is not a budget set yet, but they are common on a yearly basis, but such a sizable Starting next school year, many sports teams excited to move forward with the plan. Other increase is impossible to predict. Millennials show their true colors once more, will not be taking advantage of the convenient steps of the plan include the distribution of “Our prediction models, based on a specific but now they’re royal blue and red. two-minute walk to the DeWitt gym, but will scholarship money to favor theatre, ban any formula calculated for each professional team, now be forced to take the longer stroll down the sports stories on the home page of DCC to had the Cubs’ fanbase decreasing by 3%,” said street to use Sioux Center High School’s gyms. include more theatre stories and change Game mathematician John Horton Conweigh. Most people were not happy at first, but many Day into Performance Day, which would be One theory is the popularity with the Cubs’ came to an understanding by the end of Hook- held on opening night of the fall mainstage color scheme. n-draw’s presentation. production. “Blue and red is such a common combination in baseball, but Cubs’ blue and red just brings a different hue to the table,” said graphic designer Todd Radum. “Most teams have a navy blue, but Cubbie blue has been proven to sit well with Athletic department hires new both sexes.” Other baseball experts have pointed to the assistant lack of success the Chicago White Sox have Erin Andrews – Staff Writer meantime. While scrolling through a website of experienced over the past half-decade. Credit to Xander York. job postings, Manning said the position at Dordt This week, Dordt College Athletics just seemed to jump out at him. announced that it will hire Peyton Manning to “I was first drawn in by the name – ‘Dordt’ fill the position of administrative assistant. The is pretty unusual and caught my eye right former Colts and Broncos quarterback will join away,” Manning said. “After reading the job Core 130 draws new HHP the Dordt team all the way from New Orleans, description, I thought it was just what I needed LA, the city which Manning called home after so I submitted an application, went through the his retirement from the NFL in March. process and now I’m moving to Iowa.” majors due to high nappability Manning is excited for this new opportunity Bouzma says that Manning will start in his and hopes to use this time as an opportunity new position on the first of December. The Captain Red Beard – Staff Writer was a ‘do-nothing, worthless’ class,” Maximus to supplement his repertoire outside of athletic department will waste no time in said. “Core 130 gives such a great basis for the professional football. Athletic Director Glen training him on secretarial duties and other After a successful year of staying really busy meaningful and God-glorifying career that can Bouzma said now that so many sports are in the various tasks that Manning will eventually be with his Engineering major, sophomore Otto be had in health. It changed my life.” thick of their seasons that he has been looking responsible for. Bouzma says he plans to hit the Maximus from Lynden, WA, decided to switch In order to fit a radical major switch into his for an assistant to help out. He also said he was ground running and get Manning acquainted his career path after nodding off in a dark schedule next semester, Maximus decided to not expecting such a big name to apply, but he with Dordt, Defender Athletics and the football lecture hall last Thursday. drop his KSP and Theatre minors, as well as his will gladly accept the help. tradition they carry at the school. Maximus realized God was calling him weekly Magic: The Gathering tournaments. “Peyton still had to go through the rigorous Not ready for the Iowa winter, some of the to study HHP: Exercise Science instead of Maximus was refreshed to learn that it’s not application and interview process, but he passed biggest things Manning says he’ll miss are the a triple emphasis in Biomedical, Chemical socially ostracizing to be an HHP major and with flying colors,” Bouzma said. “Once we warm southern air and Tuesday nachos with Eli. and Industrial Engineering after he lost admits that he only picked Engineering because interviewed him, we thought ‘There’s no way He says it’s a tradition that will continue despite consciousness in the back of a Core 130 class his mother always said that his Lego towers we can’t hire him for this position.’ He brings so the distance between them – even if it has to be while watching NFL highlights on YouTube. were the bomb-diggity. much experience to the table and is also willing over Skype. “I was surprised when I heard that Core 130 to learn from us.” “Eli and I have always been pretty competitive, Manning views the position as an activity to fill so I know he will for sure be jealous that I have his newly open schedule. Eventually, he wants a new job as potentially prestigious as this one,” to work as a football analyst or broadcaster, Manning said. but wants to do something more low-key in the A brief review of upcoming movies

Thatafricanwhiteguy – Staff Writer Allied – Aw, Brangelina. Hey, it’s the chick from Inception! Doctor Strange – Benedict Cumberbatch has A Monster Calls – Freaking Liam Neeson. an American accent. Wasn’t there a book or something? Trolls – Justin Timberlake did the music. Fences – I am a sophisticated moviegoer. Hacksaw Ridge – He’s a Christian. Gold – Alright, alright, alright. I’m Not Ashamed – I’m a Christian. Why Him? – Franco plays himself. Cranston Jack Reacher: Never Go Back – I liked the plays himself. Should be good. first one. Collateral Beauty – But it must be good. Look Arrival – Aliens n’ stuff. who’s in it! Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk – Vin Bleed for This – Whiplash whiplash. Diesel. Lol. BONUS ROUND Beauty and the Beast – Moana – I am a strong, independent Disney A Beautiful, Timeless Classic of Music, Joy, female who don’t need no man. Also, The Rock. Heartbreak and Life Lessons: The Remake. Assassin’s Creed – Hardcore parkour. Rogue One – Episode 7 wasn’t as good as I thought it wa- OH MY GOSH THERE’S ANOTHER ONE I’M SO FREAKING PUMPED. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them – Harry Potter, but not. Passengers – Sexy and funny.