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Jewish Ethics and Family Responsibility for the Elderly

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Jewish Ethics and Family Responsibility for the Elderly JEWISH ETHICS AND FAMILY RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE ELDERLY LOUIS J. NOVICK Executive Director, Maimonides Hospital Geriatric Centre, Montreal The responsibility of offspring to their parents, which is expressed in honoring them, supporting them financially when they require it and the children have the means to supply it, and being physically present when such presence is necessary to sustain the emotional health of parents, is a basic tenet of Jewish ethics. When aged parents require a level of care that their children cannot themselves provide, seeking admission to a good long-term care facility may fulfill the imperative of the Fifth Commandment, "Honor your father and your mother. " his article examines the basis in Jew­ "lead him in and out" is defined as receiv­ T ish law and ethics for the assumption ing the parent joyfully when he visits the of responsibility by adult offspring for the son's home and accompanying the parent well-being of their aged parents, the nature when he leaves until he is out of sight. of this responsibility, and the lengths to Honor for a parent is expressed therefore which it should extend. It also presents by giving him direct personal service. situations in which the assumption of such The duty of honoring one's parents falls responsibility clashes with other values and on daughters, as well as on sons. Thus we in which the negative reladonship between learn in tractate Kiddushin 30b, "Every aged parents and their mature offspring duty relative to the father that is given to makes this assumption of responsibility the son to perform on behalf of his father difficult to achieve. falls equally upon men and women." It is From the Fifth Commandment (Exodus recognized however that "a man has the io:ii) is derived one form of responsibility means to carry out his duty whereas a that oflfepring have for their parents: "Honor woman does not have the means to do so your father and your mother." The gram­ because she is subject to the authority of matical root of the Hebrew verb for honor, another (i.e., husband)." However, "If she "kabed," connotes weightiness. Thus, the be divorced, both of them (i.e., son and Fifth Commandment demands that one's daughter) are equally obligated." parents be endowed with weight or worth. Although it might seem obvious that How are we to express by our actions the veise in Kiddushin that imposes upon the sense of worth that we feel for our the son the responsibility of giving services parents? The Baraita in tractate Kiddushin to his parents imposes upon him simulta­ 31b of the Babylonian Talmud, in defining neously the responsibility of financing these how a son is to show honor (kavod) to a services, there is an apparent difference of parent, states, "Honor means that he must opinion between the Jerusalem Talmud give him food and drink, clothe and cover and the Babylonian Talmud with regard him, and lead him in and out." The phrase to the latter responsibility. The Jerusalem Talmud states that honoring father and mother includes financial responsibility on Presented at the World Conference of Jewish the part of the son, whereas the Babylonian Communal Service, Jerusalem, Israel, July 4, 1989. Talmud states that it does not. The author is particularly indebted for information derived from "Honor Thy Father and Mother" by Some commentators feel that the two Gerald Blidstein. Talmuds are not in fact in disagreement 387 / Journal of Jewish Communal Service because their conclusions relate to two concrete services but of relating to them different sets of circumstances. They hold with an attitude of respect and reverence. that the Babylonian Talmud discusses a Concrete services may or may not be accom­ situation in which either the father is pros­ panied by such an attitude. The Hebrew perous or the son is poor. Consequently, word for reverence is "mora." the obligation of the son's supporting his The obhgadon to show reverence for par­ parents does not even come into question. ents is derived from a passage in Leviticus The Jerusalem Talmud, in contrast, dis­ 19:3 that states, "You shall each revere his cusses a situation in which the son is pros­ mother and father." Examples of reverence perous and the father is poor; hence the are given in the tractate Kiddushin 31b as commandment of honoring one's father follows: "Reverence means that he (the and mother demands that the son support son) must neither stand nor sit in his his parents financially. This understanding (father's) place, nor contradict his words, of the two Talmuds, however, leaves unre­ nor tip the scale against him" by taking solved the stand of the Babylonian Talmud sides with his antagonist with whom he concerning the responsibility to be assumed has a dispute. The principle inherent in by a prosperous son whose father is poor. these examples is that everything must be Faced with this dilemma, Rabbi Achei, done to sustain in the parent a sense of author of Sefer She'iltot who lived in the self-worth. eighth century in Babylon and Israel, ruled Rashi, in his commentary on the above- that a son was indeed obligated to give mentioned passage in Leviticus, states that financial assistance to his parents if they the verb in the phrase, "You shall each were poor. However, this obligation was revere," appears in the plural rather than rooted not in honor but rather in tzedakah. the singular form in order to indicate that The right of parents to charity dispensed the obligation to revere one's parents is by their offspring took precedence over incumbent on both women and men. the right of others to that charity. In all the talmudic discussions of what From a practical point of view. Rabbi constitutes honor to one's parents, no Achei's decision ensured the financial sup­ mention is made of the value to parents port of needy parents by their offspring of their offspring's physical presence, which since medieval Jewish communities were can bring much satisfaction when the par­ granted the autonomy of governance that ent-child relationship is a positive one. permitted them to enforce the giving of Neither do the medieval codes of Jewish charity. However, they would not have law—Maimonides, Tur, and Shulchan been able to enforce financial support on Aruch — 6iscuss the factor of physical pres­ the basis of the requirements of the Fifth ence in relation to the factor of honor. Commandment alone. The necessity of such presence is implied, Concerning the extent to which a son nevertheless, since how else could ofl&pring was obhgated to go in financing his parents' give direct service to parents. needs, Rabbi Moses Sofer, also known as However, the physical presence of chil­ Chatam Sofer (i76i-i839) and who lived dren is described in the midrashic literature. in Hungary, ruled that, although the ex­ Thus, in B'raishit Rabbah 2. (P:369), we tent of giving charity is ordinarily limited read the following concerning God's com­ to one-tenth (tithe) of one's assets, in the mand to Abraham to leave his father's instance of charity given to parents "as house and go to the land that God would long as he (the son) possessed enough for show him: his own sustenance, he must give the rest to his parents" (Responsa Chatam Sofer, Now the Lord said to Abraham: "Get thee •Yoreh De'ah 2.51:3). out of thy country and from thy kindred Anothet responsibihty that offspring and from thy father's house unto the land have for parents involves not the giving of that I will show thee" (Genesis i2.:i). What Family Responsibility for the Elderly / 389 is written in Scripture just prior to this? Maimonides based his decision on the "And Terah died in Haran" (Genesis 11:31). incident in tractate Kiddushin 31b involv­ Rabbi Isaac said, "Terah actually lived 65 ing Rabbi Assi who lived in Babylonia. years more after Abraham left." But firstly "Rabbi Assi had an aged mother. She said we infer that the wicked are called dead to him, T want ornaments.' So he made even when they are alive, for Abraham was apprehensive saying, "When I leave, men them for her. She then said, 'I want a will profane the name of God because of husband as handsome as you.' Thereupon me, for they will say, 'He left his aged father he left her and went to Palestine." and went off.' " So God said to Abraham, Faced with the hint of incest in his "/ release you from the obligation of honor­ demented mother's remarks, Rabbi Assi ing your father and your mother but I will reached the limit of his endurance in caring release no other from their obligation; fur­ for her personally. Although the Babylonian thermore I will inscribe his death (in the Talmud makes no mention of the provi­ Bible) before I inscribe your departure." sions for his mother's care made by Rabbi Assi before he left her, Maimonides states Rabbi Solomon Luria, also known as that it is inconceivable that a person with Rashal, who lived in Poland (i510-1573), the high moral stature of Rabbi Assi would stated that a son's leaving his father in have ignored the dictates of the Fifth order to go live elsewhere can be "bitter as Commandment that he must, at the very death" to the latter (Yam Shel Shlomoh, least, make arrangements for meeting his Kiddushin, 1:71). mother's needs through other people. The Physical presence does not require that Talmud probably makes no mention of parents and offspring live in the same these arrangements because their having house.
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