The University of Surrey Students’ Union Newspaper issue 1035 www.ussu.co.uk THURSDAY 12 SEPTEMBER 2002 free The Union welcomes all students back to university with an offer they can’t refuse UNIS 35TH ANNIVERSARY A day of celebration to commemorate past and future success | page 3 Stella: £2 a pint S NEW USSU’ THE UNION HAS now started selling By Richard Watts prices. Ian Gribben, the Bars & Catering DIRECTION Stella Artois Premium Lager for (hold on manager of the union said “it’s a fantastic Non-commercial serv- to your hats) £2 a pint. All of the pumps result that has allowed us to provide the ices and student train- have been connected, some extensive the third year in a row that the Union has students with what they hopefully want. ing focus | page 6 taste-testing has been performed and the held its drinks prices, making it one of the Though people expected a premium lager reassuringly inexpensive lager is set to most competitive bar and entertainment at a premium price, we were adamant that lubricate all of your big night’s out from venues in Guildford and the surrounding the price would be £2, and £2 it is.” this point onwards. area. Stella is available in the recently The move to Stella from Kronenbourg redecorated Helyn Rose Bar and all of 1664 arose as the result of a consortium BAREARTS FESTIVAL the Union bars as well as in Chancellor’s, of Students’ Unions across the country, BUMPER BONANZA where it has already shown itself to be a supplied by NUS Services Limited Reviews of the Guilfest, V2002 and success since the summer refurbishment (NUSSL), responding to demand from Reading weekend festivals | page 14 during a week in August. their respective student communities. Alongside Stella, the Union will be NUSSL negotiated with Interbrew for a selling Grolsch at £1.95 a pint and new brewery deal, which then allowed Carling at £1.80, meaning that this is Union’s to supply Stella at competitive Below: Chancellor’s Bar and Resturant - just one IN THIS WEEK’S PAPER of the Union bars at which Stella is just £2

Deposit scheme to be shelved The accommodation office are to stop charging £50 deposits at the start of the academic year. News | page 3 Life beyond university Preparing for graduation and beyond with careers advice, placement student reports and an alumni profile. page 7 Brand new arts section ‘Insomnia’ reviewed inside; classic book and author of the week; the Lewis Elton Art Gallery. barearts | page 8 Fiddling about in lectures NUS asks students “don’t do drunk” Interactive section with a crossword, who wants to be a millionaire? and the THE NATIONAL UNION of Students recently by the NUS and the Portman Zoe Williams, writing in The ever faithful lyrics quiz. page 17 has begun a new campaign to highlight Group, more than a million 18 to 24- Guardian dedicated an entire column to the dangers of alcohol abuse using the year-olds consume alcohol purely to get ridiculing the campaign, commenting Life after the womb slogan “if you do do drink, don’t do drunk every week. that “conceivably there will be three or drunk”. The crusade has been launched The campaign, which will be four students in the country who will Just when you thought you’d managed amid rising fears of Britain’s alcohol highlighted by posters and billboards take it seriously, but they will be of a to get away from it, back it comes for culture, particularly amongst young across UK universities and colleges, has feeble-minded stamp who never get another year of silly thoughts. page 21 women, and is being pushed in the run- already met tough resistance from many lashed up properly in the first place.” A up to Freshers’ Week’s on UK campuses students who seek to ease the pressures of letter following Ms Williams’ comments, Football & hockey tour reports when about 80,000 new students will looming degree exams with free-flowing from Arindam Rej at Leeds University, More debauchery from the usual begin their courses. quantities of lager, alcopops, spirits and said “...Williams is wrong to condemn suspects in places where anonymity is a Jean Coussins, director of the Portman experimental cocktails, as well as many the government and media for ‘getting definite requirement. Sport | page 24 Group, the industry-funded alcohol- journalists in the national press. into a twist about girls on alcopop research organisation that is backing the binges’. Of course they should be campaign, said “most of us enjoy a drink concerned. Think of all those poor girls without harming ourselves or others but INSIDE missing out on proper tequila binges.” some people don’t know when to stop. However, NUS National President Our campaign aims to show them the barefacts believes: perhaps the NUS Mandy Telford said: “There is a new downsides of drinking to excess and to should be worrying about student funding dynamic to student life these days. Many encourage moderate drinkers to challenge students can’t go out partying all night the behaviour of their friends and loved Comment: Paul Wright suggests “stu- like they used to - they’re more often ones who might go over the top”. dents are the best people to decide what is than not found working behind the bar According to new research conducted best for them” these days.” 2 NEWS 12 September 2002 New accommodation on campus

THE UNIVERSITY HAS begun building By Richard Watts and their up-keep a new four-storey housing project that is is maintained intended to house almost 300 students include a warden’s fl at. It is thought at throughout their from the beginning of the 2003-2004 this point that the accommodation will be employment. Within academic year. Work on the site opposite used primarily for postgraduate students, this partnership, the the new Daphne Jackson Building (the though this recommendation has not yet university allows Advanced Technology Institute) began in been fi nalised between university and the HA to build a July of this year and is due for completion accommodation offi cials. There are also complex upon its land some time in August 2003. rumours that this development could be and then pays rent The design of the accommodation, converted to offi ces if such a move was for the residences. provisionally known as “Bank required in the future. The university Residences”, is similar to that of These residences are another project, then sub-lets to all Millennium House (the “train”) and the following Millennium House, Bellerby students requiring planned residences of Manor Park, and Court and Wycliffe Residences, that a c c o m m o d a t i o n , The Bank Residences building site and the new Daphne Jackson Building will contain 258 en-suite rooms, divided has been developed in partnership with whilst the HA performs up into forty-three fl ats of six rooms each a Housing Association (HA), which all residential and maintenance work for point the accommodation is handed over with a kitchen/dining room; it will also ensures that the quality of the residences a period of thirty years, at which to the university. Chancellor’s summer success during usual ‘quiet period’ CHANCELLOR’S BAR AND restaurant has had its By Richard Watts Games, as well as ensuring that all of the support and most successful summer to date, catering for numerous logistical staff were well fed and able to look after Commonwealth Games events and a host of summer Chancellor’s provided a series of events for athletes the athletes. Although the games were held some 200 conferences during a time of the year normally considered competing in the shooting competition at the local miles away in Manchester, it was apparent to all that the “quiet” due to the holiday period. The performance of Bisley shooting range, including buffets for both the atmosphere within Chancellor’s made the athletes feel a the bar re-iterates Chancellor’s position as the leading opening and closing ceremonies of the Commonwealth part of the spectacle they were taking part in. eaterie on campus and lays to rest the memory of the This year is looking even better for Chancellor’s, fi nancial diffi culties it was facing some two years ago. with drinks prices held for the third year in a row (see Ian Gribben, the Bars & Catering manager, commented adjacent article) and entertainments such as jazz and “the work that everyone has put in over the summer big-band nights, quiz evenings and general debauchery has been fantastic - without the full support and effort ensuring that it doesn’t rest on its laurels and continues to from all the students, casual staff, stage crew, security, provide a service to the whole of the UniS community. customers, management and staff, we would never have If you would like to work in Chancellor’s or any of reached the position we are in now.” Such hard work is the other Union bars, then please get in touch with Ian evident in the new paint job that the bar received in the Gribben on extension number 9343 or pop into the bar last week of August, completing a Union overhaul that and ask for an application form. incorporated a new look for the downstairs bar and a The staff of Chancellor’s brand new activities centre. Working at the Royal Surrey County Hospital “Knowledge gaps” in widening Why don‛t you turn your spare time participation agenda into spare cash? • Competitive rates + Holiday Pay TWO GOVERNMENT RESEARCH By Richard Watts • contracts tendered at the end of August Hours to suit your needs have revealed that very little is known education institutes staffi ng requirements • Access to the Social Club and subsidised food at the about how a target of 50% participation is entailed by the 50% target” and “in hospital‛s restaurant in higher education is to be achieved, which disciplines...are the biggest • No previous experience required and that there are “signifi cant gaps” increases expected”. • training & support provided in knowledge about the fi nancial and The goal of attracting 50% of all eligible • staffi ng implications of the government’s young people into higher education by A chance to develop your interpersonal skills and meet increased participation scheme. The 2010 was set by Tony Blair nearly three new people admission highlights a severe lack of years ago as part of the government’s knowledge regarding how many extra commitment to the education sector. A Join us and help us to make a difference locally! staff such a move would require and how deadline for this research has yet to be much it will all cost. confi rmed as it is still to be commissioned. The Department for Education and A spokesperson for the DfES said “the Skills (DfES) declared that it put out research will inform the development of the contracts to fi ll “evidence gaps” policies to help the government meet its highlighted by the Treasury during the higher education priorities”, and that the latest spending reviews. The fi rst contract projects were designed to “help us say is required to fi nd “how the expansion something” about the expected costs and For further information or to visit call: can and is likely to occur and what the staffi ng issues. Louise on 01483 406662(NHS Professionals | nursing) costs of alternative ways of achieving the Other research is also being undertaken, Maria Rana 01483 4641999 (House-keeping) target are”. This is primarily associated including investigation into a possible Zara Robinson on 01483 402711 (Recruitment Advisor) with varying costs across different “retirement time-bomb” in academia and Evelyn Koh 01483 464836 (R&R Facilitator | nursing) institutions, course types and students. how UK academics are paid relative to Human Resource Dept on 01483 402727 The second research request involves their professional counterparts in other email: [email protected] analysis of “what increase in higher countries. 12 September 2002 NEWS 3 “Surrey Scholar” addition to High Street Statue unveiled as part of University’s 35th anniversary celebrations in town centre

A NEW STATUE, commemorating By Richard Watts celebrations of the University, offi cers of the the 35th anniversary of the University in which offi cials of UniS and university, the of Surrey and its relationship with a stainless-steal frame inserted into Guildford Borough Council Mayor of Guildford, has become a notable the bronze to support the structure. came together to celebrate, in Guildford addition to the High Street in the Located in perhaps the busiest the words of the Vice Chancellor Councillor town centre since its unveiling at part of the High Street, where Professor Patrick Dowling “the T o n y the end of May. The bronze Surrey people gather to meet friends and close collaboration and mutual P h i l l i p s , Scholar, which took six months to listen to the street musicians who inter-dependence of ‘town and C i v i c create and was produced by the often play there, the sculpture was gown’ and ...Guildford as a place of Dignitaries highly acclaimed sculptor Allan designed specifi cally for the site, culture and scholarship”. and various Sly, is nearly seven feet in height exploiting the dramatic slope of The events of the day were timed m a r c h i n g and weighs almost 500kg; it is so the hill without obscuring any of to coincide with the program of bands, street heavy that it requires the views both up and down the the Queen’s Jubilee festivities entertainers shopping walkway. According and began with a ceremony in a n d ooh - those rascals to the sculptor, who is a Fellow the cathedral, attended by the m u s i c i a n s , of the Royal Society of British Chancellor of the university, HRH resulting in Sculptors, the Surrey Scholar has The Duke of Kent KG. Honorary a strong carnival been designed to amplify the sense degrees were conferred upon two atmosphere and local of movement as the fi gure skips recipients during the ceremony excitement. down the hill, with precariously and Miss Penelope Keith OBE, Following the unveiling balanced books and mortar board the High Sheriff of Surrey, of the Surrey Scholar, adding a strong geometric contrast performed a reading of a piece an exhibition took place on to the fl owing lines of the academic entitled “Comments on The Wind campus of the history of UniS gown. Another, less intentional, in the Willows” by E H Shepard. and its future, after which the aspect of its design is its propensity Immediately after the cathedral celebrations continued ‘long’ towards added ‘accessories’, which ceremony, an academic procession into the night with members of the public have already made its way through the town a barbecue, live taken care to exhibit (see picture). centre from Holy Trinity Church to music set and The unveiling of the statue took the location of The Surrey Scholar. disco in the Hall The Surrey Scholar avec headgear place during the 35th anniversary The parade consisted of the high complex.

The Surrey Scholar, right, was created by Allan Sly in his studio at the height it would be seen in the Deposit scheme to be shelved High Street and took nearly a year to make.

THE ACCOMMODATION OFFICE By Richard Watts has informed barefacts that the deposit scheme for the majority of university for students at the start of the year and UniS becomes residences is to be shelved for the new to ease the administrative load within the academic year. At the moment, students accommodation offi ce.” are required to pay a £50 sum alongside Freshers arriving at the university the heart of their initial rent payments in order to pay in September will be some of the for any damages their room may sustain fi rst students to benefi t from the new postgraduate during their time of residence. Under a initiative, though (continuing) students new scheme, residents will be invoiced living in Bellerby Court, Hazel Farm for damage, loss and extra cleaning after and the fl ats of Millennium House, representation a room check has been completed and University Court and Twyford Court are make appropriate payments if required. still required to pay deposits due to the By Richard Watts promoting the aims and policies of the According to Richard Paxton, the head agreements made between the university management committee of the NPC to of accommodation, the idea has been and the Housing Associations responsible CURRENT PHD STUDENT Tim the general public in particular. It is a introduced “to reduce the initial costs for those residences. Brown has been elected as General full-time sabbatical position and takes Secretary for the National Postgraduate effect for one year from 1st October. Committee (NPC) at its recent annual NPC is a national organisation that has general meeting in St Andrews. It is been in existence for about ten years Perrier prize-winner to play Union the only national sabbatical position now with almost 40 affi liate members, currently in existence in the UK and, including the University of Surrey; it By Richard Watts the headline act and was so popular, the as a result of this, will be hosted by the has a stated purpose of “advancing, Union decided to ask him back. Students’ Union to ensure the unique job in the public interest, the education of THE WINNER OF the Perrier comedy For more is performed as ably as possible. postgraduate students within the United award, Daniel Kitson, will be appear- information His election to the post means that Kingdom”. It is involved in representing ing on the Tuesday comedy night during regarding Tim will be working from USSU as the the interests of postgraduates on a the freshers week entertainments at the f r e s h e r s UK’s only full time representative for the national level and has performed Union. In a remarkable stroke of good week enter- 400,000 postgraduates across the country functions in the past as varied as creating fortune, Kitson will grace the Union tainments, and will result in an exceptional year for a funding charter for postgraduate stage along with the ever-popular Men please have Surrey with regards to postgraduate funding (which is considerably different in Coats and Nina Conti. The comedian, a look at representation, affording the Students’ from that of undergraduates) with which who has also won the Time Out award the USSU Union an excellent opportunity to expand to lobby the government and producing for best comedian in the last few months, website: its support to postgraduates. employment charters for postgraduate appeared at the Union last year as the Tim’s responsibilities will include policy research students who teach. master of ceremonies for a previous ussu.co.uk administration, liaising with member More information about NPC and the can comedy evening, at which Phil Kay was Perrier award-winner Kitson institutions and recognised bodies, and be found at www.npc.org.uk 4 COMMENT 12 September 2002 Welcome to barefacts 2002-3

GIVEN THAT WHAT you are holding prehensive reviews and articles on fi lm, THE UNIVERSITY OF SURREY STUDENTS’ UNION in your hands at this precise moment is literature and, hopefully, theatre. It’s WWW.USSU.CO.UK probably somewhat unfamiliar to you, I hoepd that this will give you more of thought it best to introduce a couple of an idea of the opportunities available the new sections in this year’s bf and say around campus and Guildford for your Maybe it is time UniS stopped a little about the design. entertainment. The basic concept behind this year’s One last thing I’d like to say is that if ‘building’ a better future paper is to take all of the you want to write - then good bits from the previ- do - that’s what the STUDENTS RETURNING TO the just leave campus as it is?” The green ous years and put them newspaper is here for. university on Monday will have noticed spaces that are left are relatively few and all into one paper - a bit barefacts can only exist if some pretty big changes around campus far between and, in time, will be areas cheeky, I know, but hope- people write for it: simple since they were last here: a brand new requiring the German approach to pool- fully worthwhile. really. structure in the Daphne Jackson building side recliners if people want to sit out in The news will be more appropriate to So I’m not going to beg any more - lord (known also as the Ice Cube), a half- the sun during lecture-breaks or lunch- what’s going on locally and in the educa- knows everyone does enough that of complete Surrey Business School and hours. Do we really want visitors to this tion world: that is to say, the things that throughout the year. I’ll simply leave the an all-new, fully boarded-up building otherwise beautiful campus greeted by affect students as a body. The comment, e-mail address below site that at some point next year temporary traffi c lights and scaffolding which you can contribute to in any way, [email protected] will become the “Bank residences”. galore? Should freshers’ fi rst impression be it by letter or feature article, is de- and go on my merry way. Remember, though, that all of this of university be a workman’s bum and signed to react to and offer opinion on (Oh - and if you see a strange chap ar- follows the completion of Millennium 60ft cranes holding concrete planks up such news. ond campus with a digital camera in his House, the Duke of Kent building and, a in the air? Will the average student’s The arts section will be a little less hand - that’ll just be me getting stuff for little further a fi eld, the complex over at traditional lie-in always be disturbed by music driven and introduce more com- Caught on Camera). richard watts Bellerby Court – meaning that building the sound of drilling and general building work for almost fi ve years now has been site noise? continually “in progress”. (Lest we not The answer to all of the above questions forget that the long-term Manor Farm must surely be a resounding “no” – so development is just around the corner.) please: let’s all have some respite from Though it is commendable that the the building works on campus and be Do you do drunk? university is developing its facilities left to enjoy the lake and the rest of our and buildings, is it not now reaching lovely surroundings for what they really BACK IN AUGUST member. It is, in fact, the the point where it is time to say “let’s are: beautiful. the National Union of second largest purchaser Students (NUS) launched of alcohol behind only the a new campaign aimed at British Armed Forces. A step in the right direction reducing the amount of Reading more into this THE DECISION OF the accommodation means six people or more having to share binge drinking amongst we have two large bodies offi ce to shelve the current deposit scheme one shower then so be it – many of us university students. Titled with vested interests in at the start of a student’s residential period are used to the experience of the ‘almost ‘If You Do Drink, Don’t volume sales of alcohol on campus is a welcome change to the communal’ shower anyway and would Do Drunk’, the idea was PAUL WRIGHT attempting to promote accommodation system: any move that probably consider it part of the lifestyle. to get students to consider drinking in moderation reduces the fi nancial burden on students The accommodation offi ce, of all how much they consume which seems to make no at the start of the long fi rst semester must the university’s various departments, on individual nights out. We fi nd ourselves in the sense. An additional issue be applauded and accepted thankfully. comes in for the largest amount of stick On the face of it this situation where every is that NUS do not even By removing the deposit scheme from those it tries to serve – it was, campaign makes logical Tom, Dick and Harry has practice what they preach: and, more importantly, building extra after all, only fi ve months ago we were sense, as alcohol can be a some sort of degree during the three summer accommodation such as the Bank demonstrating against the rent rises. Such problem area for a number training events I attended residences to house students, the action, however, highlights that we must of reasons including personal health. not one of them had any provision for accommodation offi ce and university be considered when any kinds of plans For the majority of fi rst year students, non-alcohol related social events – even is moving in the right direction - but are being thought through and that it is university is the fi rst opportunity to the quizzes and fi lm nights were all it must remember to provide a wide perhaps wise to consult us, as a collective live outside parental supervision in all housed in the local bar. On a number range of accommodation for students body, before important decisions are aspects of life and this inevitably tends to of occasions delegates missed morning of all fi nancial positions and studying made. This way, any new developments include alcohol-fuelled socialising until sessions due to excess drinking the night arrangements and, when thinking of can benefi t both the student body and the the early hours of many a morning. before; to quote one: “It’s a big part of future developments such as Manor university in equal measure and help to Now, this is all fi ne and dandy until what training is all about”. Park, make provision for those it was ensure this establishment can continue to you consider the parties behind the On a personal level, I defi nitely went originally intended to provide for. If this prosper for another 35 years. campaign: on the one side we have the through a learning curve with alcohol Portman Group, who are made up of during university - now and again I Accessories for the Surrey Scholar a reminder Bacardi-Martini Ltd, Pernod Ricard UK, am reminded by a thumping hangover Diageo plc, HP Bulmer Ltd, Interbrew that I still have some way to reach the of real student values UK Ltd, Scottish & Newcastle plc - asymptote. I think that students, armed WHEN THE SURREY SCHOLAR was unveiled in the town centre some three months simply put, the majority of the UK based with all the relevant information, are the ago, it was only a matter of time before the books, mortar board and academic gown brewery companies. On the other lie best people to decide what’s best for them were augmented by a more popular variety of student attire: a traffi c cone. The result NUS who created and sit on the board and not, perhaps, two large organisations of some undoubtedly drunken endeavour most-likely provided a small group of of NUS Services Limited (NUSSL) with their fi ngers in an inappropriate pie. students with ten minutes worth of fi ne entertainment and caused, except for the odd - the largest alcohol buying consortium As for me - I’ll be having a quiet drink raised eyebrow and wry smile, nobody any harm. for Students’ Unions throughout the in the bar on Friday. No doubt I will see For the majority of students, some sort of drinking is an accepted part of the country, of which USSU is a shareholder you there... university lifestyle, and for the NUS to run a campaign such as “if you do do drink, don’t do drunk” it is not only, in this paper’s opinion, somewhat hypocritical, but also the last thing many students want to hear when they leave home and become truly independent, in many cases for the fi rst time. HOUGHT FOR THE WEEK Perhaps the NUS should be worrying more about student funding and the problems T that that is causing its members instead of concentrating on a campaign many students “One reason I don’t drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.” aren’t going to listen to anyway. NANCY ASTOR (1879 – 1964), POLITICIAN AND LADY 12 September 2002 COMMENT 5 Examinations are meant to be diffi cult, aren’t they? AS PREDICTABLE AS a lottery winner reach the required level for is eminently capable and the situation where every Tom, Dick and saying “the money won’t change me”, admittance to a university one who is not, then is Harry has a 2:1 in this or a 2:2 in that. education critics have declared that and higher education it not right that the latter Surely not everyone is good enough to “A-level examinations are getting institutes desperate for such should not attain a mark have a degree classifi cation?) easier” because of a rise in the number students in order to secure related to the other students An underlying problem here is the stigma of successful candidates. Ladies and any sort of funding in the grade? A person who is attached to failure – it takes a remarkable gentlemen, I give you ‘nothing new’. future, all in the name of not performing well in amount of courage to say to your peers “I In fact, I give you ‘bloody-well staring ‘widening participation’. their chosen subject should didn’t complete my course”. In order to you in the face’, for what can people It has a familiar ring to it, perhaps give thought to not combat this, therefore, perhaps it is time RICHARD WATTS expect when the government is hoping to don’t you think? continuing in that particular universities offered regular exit times at admit 50% of the eligible population into I fi nd this situation direction. (This situation which point those with less ability can higher education? Would such a target ridiculous – inherent in the We fi nd ourselves in the is true not only of further pick up a diploma, let’s say, and move on as that be greeted with unattainable entry nature of examination is situation where every education, which is to say to something that suits them better. That requirements and impossible examination failure, and if people are not Tom, Dick and Harry has A-levels, but also of higher way, everyone who eventually attends papers in order to guarantee its success failing, what does that say some sort of degree education as well. Many university will have a qualifi cation that – one would have to answer resoundingly about our examinations? It a time has the argument suits them and refl ects their abilities “no”. Instead, such a goal would require says, to me at least, that the exams are been stated that the more people who accurately. Let’s just hope it doesn’t something more like an education system not performing their task: if you want complete a degree, the less a degree will affect universities performances in that helps inept or disinterested students to differentiate between a student who actually mean: we fi nd ourselves now in league tables too much, eh?

September 11th woke America LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Letters must be received by 5pm on the Friday before publication to guarantee their presence in the next newspaper. up to its own vulnerability Letters may be edited for length or clarity | E-mail: [email protected]

THIS WEEK AND last in the wake of last year was Dear Editor, has focused largely on ANNA MARGREE added to by its subsequent the anniversary of the target – a man who, to Once again I feel it necessary to write to you regarding the inappropriate approach September 11th tragedies, 9-11 has, quite all intents and purposes employed by Endsleigh Insurance regarding their marketing tactics. Campus has, for the loss of innocent lives, rightly, knocked the does not come across as a the second year running, been plastered by posters nearly threatening students with the courage and bravery United States down a psychopathic killer. If we the fi nancial consequences of theft, suggesting they “think again” about the safety of of the emergency services peg or two were to compare Osama their possessions on campus. and the bereavement, shock Bin-Laden to Saddam Though I agree that taking out an insurance policy of one variety or another with and wilderment that has affected New Hussein, for example, he would be the most suitable and competitive insurance company is the sensible thing to do, for York, the United States and the rest of nothing but a slight man. Propaganda a student to be ‘bullied’ into such an action is highly un-thoughtful on Endsleigh’s the world. would have us believe that the latter is behalf - we must remember that many of these students will be leaving home for the I have always believed quite strongly not to be trusted simply because of his fi rst time and, as a consequence, are somewhat timid and insecure. that, although it is virtually impossible moustache. Placed next to Bin-Laden, That “one in fi ve” students is the ‘victim’ (a somewhat sensationalist term there, to sweep under the carpet of history the whom my lecturer described as “quite ‘victim’) of theft I do not doubt - indeed this is a recognised national statistic - it terrible consequences these events had attractive”, then this gentle man seems is worth noting, however, that Guildford is a relatively safe place to live and the on the world, it wouldn’t be inaccurate as unlikely to be capable of anything number of reported thefts on campus is no where near this fi gure. to say they have had some small degree more than hippy-day-dreaming in white Given that Endsleigh are associated so closely with NUS (as they are always quick of positive impact on the world as well. clothing. to point out), surely they are able to get more accurate statistics for each individual The United States has long been the So it is even more meaningful that higher education institutes? That way, at least, they might be slightly more justifi ed all-powerful, all singing and dancing America was not shot down by a large in the wording of their marketing materials. nation of the globe, confi dent in its own militant coup from another powerful morality and apparent rightful position as country nor attacked from within, but Yours, the most powerful of the Superpowers. rather by an organisation of strong (That the President is commonly thought political and religious belief, led by a NAME AND ADDRESS SUPPLIED. of as the most powerful man in the world man who may or may not, in the name of is a testament to this belief). For such a his convictions, decide to strike again. country to be dealt a blow as the terrorist Perhaps, a year on, we might want to attacks last year has at least made it start looking out for the quiet, dreamy barefacts is an editorially independent newspaper and is Do you have a complaint against aware of its own vulnerability and has type ones and take a look at our published by the University of Surrey Students’ Union this newspaper? made it a little less blasé about its foreign convictions. Either that, or stop turning Communications Office. The views expressed within the paper are those of If you have a complaint about any item in policies. to bombing for the answers. individual authors and do not necessarily represent the this newspaper which contains inaccuracy, th In short, September 11 , or 9-11 to use views of the Editor, the University of Surrey Students’ harassment, intrusion or discrimination write to American parlance, has knocked the Union or the University of Surrey. our editor about it. United States down a peg or two. This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in If you remain dissatisfied please contact the part, stored in any form, copied or distributed, without Press Complaints Commission - an independant The US has always offered the puffed- the express permission of the publisher beforehand. organisation established to uphold an editorial out, bravado approach to its patriotism All submissions must include the author’s name and Code of Practice for the Press. This newspaper and own greatness which, due to Britain’s Union or Staff Number. Submission is no guarantee will abide by their decision. own eagerness to associate itself with of publication. Uncle Sam, has had a knock-on effect to Press Complaints Commission Anonymous and Pseudonymous articles will not be published. 1 Salisbury Square our own great miniscule island. Our only London EC4Y 8JB triumphant cries could ever be of a) our barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions. Telephone: 020 7353 1248 Facsimile: 020 7353 8351 military potency and b) our language. [email protected] Yet at least we are beginning to realise we are not quite so effective as maybe WWW.USSU.CO.UK Printed by South West Wales Publications we once were. Adelaide Street, Swansea Tel: 01792 510000 The humiliation experienced by the US © USSU COMMUNICATIONS OFFICE 2002 6 UNION 12 September 2002 Welfare is here for you! oney As a new sabbatical offi cer Care Services and anyone (3 months into it already else who might have the – guess I’m not that new expertise to trouble shoot. atters any more) I have really On a more general level, Welcome back to everyone. The team at the been thrown in at the deep it’s up to me to be aware StudentM Advice and Information Service hope end. The kinds of things of problems that affect that you have had good holidays and have come that I am prepared to deal the whole population, like back with some hard earned cash in your bank with, and have to some safety, crime, awareness accounts and no debts. However, if you do have extent already, are simple, TONI BORNEO and understanding of fi nancial problems during the forthcoming year then don’t forget where we are (but basic issues that can have VICE PRESIDENT EDUCATION health issues, and hopefully PLEASE do not leave it too late). Any help that we may be able to provide can take massive repercussions. AND WELFARE good practice in the quite a lot of time to organise – it is certainly not instant – so think and plan ahead. Money, housing, health, University academically It is worth remembering that students who get into trouble are the ones who don’t stress and academic problems are the and pastorally. I can’t guarantee instant think about their fi nances until they are already running out of money. Our priority main ones and there are defi nitely ways change to everything that isn’t perfect groups for this year are around them with a little help from me but I will raise issues for improvement fi nal year students | students with dependent (especially single parents) and the people who have proved to be and be involved in what to do about it. students with special needs | mature students with dependents a source of real support to me and the For example, I think Course reps can be If you are not one of these groups is does not mean that there is no help available as we student population. really useful for demanding an excellent also help students who fall into students when they least expect it. I think it’s really important to have standard of education (if you don’t ask, COME AND SEE US – we will try to help you (or read this bit of barefacts every really easy, accessible services so I you tend not to get) and the Union really week). am lucky enough to have this space to can provide support and training. And highlight problems or areas of concern Senior Residents are such a good way Student Advice& Information Service (SAIS): Wey Flat 2 | Surrey Court for us at University. I will take this of making sure everyone in residences t: [68]9261 | e: [email protected] chance to explain the background is doing ok, and if not, at least some one behind them and steps to take deal with knows and can also seek advice about them, on practical and personal levels. how to help them. I’m not qualifi ed to provide every I guess it’s about everyone taking kind of advice, of course, though I’m responsibility for taking care of each happy to listen and talk with people any other, and I am happy to guide people words: scott farmer time. This means that I rely on having who don’t know where to start. Good a good relationship with University luck everyone, I’ll keep you posted.

DAVE is the name of the brand new skills project to be delivered by the Students’ Union and its partners from across the university from this term. Societies celebrations where has DAVE come from? Society awards results for last year Well in actual fact DAVE has been around a bit but not using the current name. It is now generally accepted that words: charlotte dawson | VP SOCIETIES AND CULTURE graduate recruiters want more from today’s graduates and As a new academic year starts it seems fi t to celebrate the enormous success of last therefore a greater ability to translate soft skills into year’s societies. At the last Societies Standing of the year an awards ceremony was the work environment and everyday life. held in the downstairs bar of the Union. Eighteen awards were presented, many hotly contested. The competition was tough for the judging panel, but the eventual winners What exactly is the DAVE project? can be seen below. MaDsoc received two awards after a packed year producing a pantomime, musical, The DAVE Project is USSU’s local arm of the National drama workshops and a smaller production. This year we have Fame to look forward Student Learning Programme (NSLP) and aims to disseminate to plus many other cultural events. The Green society work hard this year to organise key skills among students through peer-based training. a successful Green week and in honour of her commitment to the Union, Emma Van Husse collected the ‘Lifetime Achievement Award’. The Nordic society performed Now at the end of its fourth year, the NSLP network exceeds an amazing ‘phoenix from the fl ames’, mainly thanks to president David Lundin a total of 1100 student trainers who in turn have trained and his dedicated team. The ‘Best Society Overall’ was won by GU2 radio. After its over 9,000 students in various key skills each year. The fi rst full year of transmission, it can boast to have involved 90 students through the programme is currently established in 80 unions nationally year with over 80 hours a week ‘on air’. It’s defi nitely a society you won’t be able to and growing with Surrey joining for 2002/03. avoid this year. Congratulations to all societies and the individuals who received awards. How does it work? President | Sarah Butterworth | MaDsoc Secretary | Danny Dixon | St John NSLP organises a minimum of fi ve “Training the Trainer” Treasurer | Llia Sanger-Stevens | Nightline residential courses twice a year across the country. Publicity Offi cer | Anwar Hossein | Islamic These are intensive 3-day events where students will be Social Offi cer | Niemesh Amin | Asian equipped with the knowledge and skills needed to deliver Other Committee Member | Reuben Thompson | GU2 + Barefacts basic training. Newly-qualifi ed trainers return to their Non Committee Member | Ahmed Shuja | Pakistan union with materials to then train others in valuable and Webmaster/site | Robert Frost | Chemistry transferable skills based around all student activities International Society | Asian provided by the Students’ Union. General Society | Green In addition to their own personal development, student Cultural Society | MaDsoc trainers can also gain the NSLP Trainers Award which Welfare/Representation Society | PGA (Postgraduate Association) is becoming increasingly recognised by many potential Religious Society | Magick & Pagan employers. Further support is offered in the form of Entertainments SocietyStage | Crew Network Days which give student trainers the opportunity Revived Society | Nordic to network in their region with others and gain extra Newcomer Society | Active Thinkers training skills.

Society Overall | GU2 Radio Watch out for more on DAVE in the coming weeks as it Lifetime Achievement Award | Emma Van Huysse Green + Windband develops its ID amongst you! 12 September 2002 PROFESSIONAL PAGE 7

THIS IS THE new professional page - a section dedicated to helping you find a career. Each week, we will have Dr Russ from the careers service with his advice, a profi le of The end is nigh for fi nal a student placement and, from the Alumni offi ce, a profi le of a student who has gradu- ated from UniS. If you have any comments please e-mail [email protected]

year students This weeks careers & skills talks THERE USED TO be a chance to practise aptitude Choosing a career | Monday Wk 2 | 1pm LT F Personality and career choice | Wednesday Wk2 2pm LT B guy who walked up and tests. You could speak to Dr Russ Clark, Head of the Careers Service, will This workshop is based on the Myers Briggs Type down Oxford Street with a careers adviser or browse suggest a number of ways to help you to make a Indicator. It will help you to relate various aspects a sandwich board which through the huge range of good career choice. He will include examples of of your personality to your future career. said ‘The End is Nigh’ on information we carry about careers open to graduates who want to consider Please register by 13 September. jobs unrelated to their degrees. one side and ‘Peanuts Are jobs, employers, grants and Good For You’ on the other! postgraduate courses. We If you’ve just entered your also have a computer aided Final Year - at least one of DR RUSS CLARK guidance programme. those messages may have a If you would like a certain prophetic ring to it. convenient summary of When I started my fi nal If you’ve just entered your these things, why not pick year at University, I fi nal year, then ‘the end is up a copy of our Career remember thinking that it nigh’ may have a Planning Guide 2003. It was my last chance to party prophetic ring to it includes a Final Year JAMIE O’DOHERTY every weekend before I hit Careers Diary to help you L&IS Degree the real world. The trouble was I also keep track of important events. We will wanted a job to go to and I knew that also have a regular spot in Bare Facts to Graduated: 2000 fi nding one would eat into my partying keep you up to date with everything that’s time. In the end I compromised. happening. Everyone is different of course, and We do hope you’ll make the most of the IEVENTUALLY you’ll have to make your own decision Careers Service before you leave. Some GRADUATED from Surrey about how much time, if any, you invest students drop in for fi ve minutes, pick in 2000 with an L&IS Degree in sorting out your future career before up details about a vacancy, and are never in German, Economics and you leave. One thing is certain however, seen again. Others seem to spend most European Studies. I started there probably won’t be another year of their time here. You can rest assured, my course in 1995 and spent in your life when you’ll have quite the we try to cater for all tastes! By the fi ve great years studying a bit and playing hard. University life was my fi rst real taste same opportunities to weigh up all the way, if you haven’t been to the Careers of freedom (as a supposed adult) and I felt that I did get the balance of work and play possibilities. Service before, you will fi nd us next to right, in my fi nal year. Despite having to repeat my third year, I ended up with a solid Over the next few months we’ll be the Accommodation Offi ce in the Philip 2:2. I felt that the whole university experience was a massive learning curve, for me, running a Careers Information Fair, Marchant Building. and something, which I will always look back fondly on. giving talks on particular careers, offering PS I shall be giving a talk on “Choosing a Life at UniS greatly improved my social skills and ability to adapt to differing workshops on application form and Career” on Monday 16 September from 1 environments. On an L&IS course, students used to spend the second half of their interview technique and giving you a - 1.45 p.m. in LT F. second year and second half of their third year on placement abroad. My placements were spent in Germany; the fi rst being in an offi ce at the DAAD in Berlin and the second at a golf club near Eisenach. Both were greatly contrasting environments, AND SO THE alarm goes off again. Six but they equally improved my language skills and general confi dence. They helped thirty is far too early for a student to be me prepare for the outside world because I developed as a person through meeting getting out of bed! What time did I get a variety of differing people. I learnt how to accept and understand different views, home? Hmmm, can’t remember, but lacement beliefs and culture. Going on placement, for me, was very benefi cial, because it not the pounding in my head tells me I got only got me prepared for the 9 to 5 routine, but also made me more organised and have pissed again. And you though 9 o’clock better time management for my fi nal year. I especially remember the Berlin placement lectures were bad!!! S EAK being very hectic; every night there was something happening. We met people from So placement, what’s it all about? Why the universities there and from various universities in the UK. We crammed so much bother? Obviously getting up about three into each day, that I was only getting 5 hours sleep a night. In my fi nal year I was hours earlier than you have been for the elected as University golf captain and that year we won the BUSA title. I learnt a past couple of years is a bit of a shock great deal from the experience, the team spirit that was generated and the attitudes of to the system, but you soon get used to words: Rob Johnson my team-mates. That certainly was my proudest moment and a terrifi c way to end my that. On the plus side, getting paid every P student life. month is clearly a bonus! When I started, are defi nitely treated as part of the team. I would defi nitely have to say that the most valuable thing that I learnt at university the company subsidised a boat trip on the No one is making the coffee or doing the was how to relate to people. It certainly helped me with my current chosen career Thames for all the new students, which photocopying. Everyone is working on path, which is in the fi eld of sales. Immediately after leaving university (due to rather gave everyone the opportunity to get to real projects, with real business value heavy debts!), I had to move back home with my parents. There, I was offered a job at know each other – must admit it’s all – and there is an expectation to learn The Paradise Group, which is one of the UK’s leading holiday ownership companies. a bit hazy though. You can also get a quickly and get the work done. You I started at the bottom of the pile in the telesales team but within six months my pint from our Sports and Social Club for don’t get spoon-fed the knowledge that telephone skills and sales had greatly improved. After a year, I was made assistant cheaper than in the Union. So, clearly you need to complete your job either. team leader and was training up my own team; but I desperately wanted to move out there’s plenty happening on the social It’s been up to me to ask questions and do my own thing. So I moved to Guildford again to be closer to university friends, side of things. where I don’t understand (which is who had remained there after completing their courses, and to continue my career in I occasionally do some work as well, quite frequently) and to seek relevant a sales environment (where wages are higher here as well!). I currently work for a in between my coffee breaks, e-mailing training courses, which will enable me to company called Gidden Place; we are a creative, marketing solutions fi rm dealing in sessions, Internet surfi ng and team complete my tasks more effectively. print, design and supply of exhibition systems. My role involves increasing the client building courses! The work is generally Obviously, I can only speak from my base and managing newly attracted accounts. I really enjoy the variety and challenge pretty different to things I’ve done on own experience, but I am enjoying my of the sales executive position. Every day is very different and I speak to many my course, so there’s a steep learning placement. Yes, it is hard work at times different people not only over the telephone, but also face-to-face. curve. I’ve also been surprised how (such as being expected to complete I feel that the most important characteristics, which I took to my fi rst jobs after much fl exibility I’m given. It’s certainly tasks that I have no idea whatsoever how graduation were enthusiasm, a desire to achieve/progress and being more aware of not a, “Today you will do this…” culture. to do!), but the working environment is a working environment. I certainly feel that university life and the placement year It’s up to me to organise my time and get relaxed and the experience has been a was of benefi t to me: it broadened my horizons considerably and I highly recommend projects completed. The students here worthwhile one. making the very best of it to any new student captain andthedrug-trafficker, men responsible. After murderingacorruptpolice that and familyadvisors Tom HagenandSal Tessio persuades hishotheadedeldestbrotherSonny from asecondassassinationattempt,Michael connections wasrejected. After savinghisfather request foraidfromtheCorleones’ political in theemployofadrug-trafficking rivalwhose the donbarelysurvivesbeingshotbygunmen “business.” A fewmonthslateratChristmastime, Kay, wholearnsforthe firsttimeaboutthefamily of hissisterConniewithnon-Italiangirlfriend, family business,Michaelshowsupatthewedding returned awarhero.Havinglongagorejectedthe enlisting inthe Army tofightin World War II,has Michael, afreethinkerwhodefied hisfatherby “godfather” or“don,”theheadofaMafia family. Corleone is,intheparlanceoforganized crime,a respectively. Itisthelate1940sinNew York and as Vito CorleoneandhisyoungestsonMichael, time starringMarlonBrandoand Al Pacinostar imitated, quotedandlampoonedmoviesofall The Godfather Classic of the week Insomnia passion thathebroughttohismorepersonalfilm. written by others, and is itself a remake of the 1998 Swedish film of the same name. Perhaps since it’s a big-budget, star-driven, studio movie, Nolan doesn’t contribute the same for Worst of all, none of the flair that Nolan showed in is buriedundernumerousothersubplotsandcontrivances. exciting at its peak. moderately The action sequences only feel more obligatory than becomes they are necessary arrived and he’s the film’s once central moral dilemma and, (is the criminal’s up, crime shows worse than that offirst the cop?) Williams before especially dull, deathly is The story is told well enough, and the performances are good enough - so what’s the problem? Well, the movie criminals formulaintoafairlytiringparableaboutthemoralambiguityofsaidcopsandcriminals. the girl (Robin Williams) enters into a war of wits with Pacino. The film then shifts from a standard cops-and- of murderer the and killed is character a until pilot the Peaks of Twin plot the follows much pretty film The Insomnia: stoletheodeon’s font Memento he shouldbetheonetoexactrevengeon , withitsexcellentcastandhotyoungdirector, could’vebeenagreatmovie,butunfortunatelythescriptisbungled,leadingtolessthansatisfyingfilm. ’s

originals, and an autopilot ending for ending autopilot an and originals, the godfather isoneofthemostwidely to upper Alaska along with his partner (Martin Donovan) in order to investigate to order in Donovan) (Martin partner his with along upper Alaska to year,the of Set in Northern Alaska, where the sun shines around the clock for six months out special about itthatwarrantscomparisontothedirector’s ingeniousdebutfeature. particularly nothing there’s yet yarn, law against enforcer law enough Insomnia, the latest thriller from starring Al Pacino,Robin Williams, HilarySwank directed byChristopher Nolan shining sundoesn’t helpmatters oncehearrivesin Alaska. events back in California (Internal Affairs is looking into his work), and the ever- to due troubled clearly already is detective 17-year-oldgirl. The a of murder the F Insomnia Insomnia is the tale of a distinguished LAdistinguished sent a Pacino) of (Al tale detective the is Memento Memento I don’tseemvery happy, doI? Considering you just lickedmyear, murderous revengeagainstthosewhooncetriedto Sonny isalsobutcheredspectacularly, havingbeen recovers andmakespeacewithhisrivals,realising ILM betrayed byConnie’s husband. As Michaelreturns wipe outtheCorleones,consolidatinghisfamily’s Robert DeNirotriedoutforthe Incidentally, didyouknowthat Corleone enemiesinanattemptonMichael’s life. home andconvincesKaytomarryhim,hisfather that anotherpowerfuldonwaspullingthestrings later played Vito Coreleone in part ofMichaelbutfailed;he as thenewdon,heleadsfamilytoaera gang warfare.OnceMichaelhasbeengroomed erupts athome.Fallinginlovewithalocalgirl, power andcompletinghisownmoraldownfall. another “must-see”movie... Godfather II,though,which of prosperity, andthen launches acampaignof is present anywhere in Insomnia. He substitutes conventional narrative for the earlier film’s puzzle, stock characters behind thenarcoticsendeavourthatbegan Memento Michael hidesoutinSicilywhileagangwar Michael marriesher, butsheislaterslainby ’s

shocker.While director Christopher Nolan, is a decent Memento of theword;remember kids:waxonoff!!!!!!! trains hardand comesbacktoshowthemwho’s boss. An utter classicineverysense man afterbeing pickedonbyabunchofkarate trainedruffians. Needlessto say he Kid movie out.Lastlyandbyabsolutely nomeansleastcomesthetrueclassic Incidentally, if you everwanttoseeamaninskirtkicksomeseriousbutt, checkthis opinion is practically everyboneinhisbody -somemanytimesover. Hisbestmovieinmy no oneismorepleasedthanI. This guyisanabsolute proandwell,hehasbroken friends, isquality. NowthatJackieChanis finally gettingthecredithedeserves, for anopiumring.Lotsofclassyass-whuppingsandhigh pitchscreams–this,my based aroundamartialartstournamentthatiscoverforthe recruitmentofpersonnel kung fumaestroofalltime,hisbestmoviearguably being legends asBruceLeeandJackieChan.Now, BruceLeeisundisputedlythegreatest The kungfugenreisoneofmypersonalfavourites,including themoviesofsuch In wit’memates was an original idea written and conceived by Nolan and his brother,his and Nolan by conceived and written idea original an was ; thestoryofaskinnylittlerunt takenunderthewingofanoldChineseoddjob Young Master all words:stewfudge always e-mailmeandtellme:[email protected]). fancy any of my suggestions. (Of course, if you don’t, you could you if see and back sit So in. come I where is film...which the is now need you’re you all – with of down sit to friends and, the have lucky,you munchies the have you drinks, the got You’ve not-quite-so-old and old some videos to you can pick up in any good guide (or probably bad) video store. of sort Wit’ “In a of Mates”, Me instalment premier the and thefirst week” the inculdes of “classic which section, film new all the to Welcome F If yousayoncemore thatDeNiro isbetter thanme,I’llknockyour blockoff ...and hasbloody ESTIVAL guilfest, v2002& carling weekend barearts goesto , whichhasgoodfightsequences andintertwinedcomedy. good time! Do youmindnotstandingsoclose? just keeplookingaheaddanielson S PECIAL yes danielson Mr Myagi? muse hullabaloodvd crumbs! madness! C fridge magnets easy question! Enter The Dragon OMPETITION free things! Insomnia Karate ; afilm was 12 September 2002 THEATRE & LITERATURE 9

LIFE X 3 BY YASMINA REZA THE CIRCLE BY W. SOMERSET MAUGHAM directed by Jennie Darnell Theatre directed by Mark Rosenblatt starring Belinda Lang, David Haig, Serena Evans, David Elland starring Wendy Craig, Tony Britton, Jeremy Child

“Life x 3”is from the writer of the popular comedy Somerset Maugham’s most famous work, The Circle, in production ART, and tells a farcical story revolving around which he captures the poise and elegance of high society in a couple whose dinner party guests arrive at the event a the 1920’s, was recently voted one of the greatest plays of day early, thus ensuring that panic and chaos are rife in an the 20th century. It tells the story of a mother who abandoned already tense situation. The evening, which had originally her husband and child, only to return thirty years later to fi nd been planned as an attempt to impress an employee’s boss, her daughter-in-law is faced by the very same scandalous involves only cheesy wotsits and chocolate fi ngers for predicament of her earlier years. nourishment and, unless things take a different turn or two, The play, which is undergoing an extensive tour of Britain will ultimately be disastrous for the surprised hosts and one with its distinguished cast, is one that might appeal to of their respective job prospects. someone who enjoys The production itself was originally staged at the National Theatre and has since the almost clichéd ‘period drama”, highlighting gone on to a successful run in the West End, where it was nominated for the 2001 the aristocratic propensity to saving face in Olivier Award for Best Play. The cast, who are all familiar faces on British television ‘inappropriate’ circumstances whilst at the same through their roles in such shows as Two Point Four Children and The Thin Blue time delivering bountiful wit and ruthless sarcasm. Line, are a very accomplished bunch and have thus persuaded theatre critics The latter is exemplifi ed by the older members throughout the country to sing their praises and laud admiration upon them for their of the cast, most notably the male leads of Tony performances. Britton and Jeremy Child, whose exchanges The play is running at the Yvonne Arnaud Theatre in Guildford (next to as lover and cuckold respectively delight the Debenham’s department store) from Monday 16th September until Saturday 21st audience and offset the edgy drama of the younger September with matinee performances on Thursday and Saturday. To book tickets, generation’s affairs. phone the box offi ce on [01483] 44 00 00. A review of the play (and an interview Though not perhaps the preferred evening of with one of its stars) will appear in barefacts next week, giving you just enough time entertainment for most students, theatre offers the to squeeze in a quick show if you’re lucky enough to get hold of a ticket. chance to observe notable actors in more intimate settings – the Yvonne Arnaud is one such example – and can provide a welcome, ‘cultured’ change “The Circle” is running at the Yvonne Arnaud Theatre until Saturday. For tickets, from the usual cinema trip or night out. contact the box offi ce on [01483] 44 00 00. Tickets are available.

Literature AUTHOR OF THE WEEK Peter Heg classic | lolita | vladimir nabokov International best-selling author Peter Hoeg captured the attention of mainstream readers through an impressive string of daringly unconventional yet meticulously crafted novels, each a highly original exploration of various literary genres. His First published: 1955 Lolita’s mother, and thus becoming the jack-of-all-trades sensibility as an author, steeped as peripatetic forays into time and Lolita has, thanks to the fi lm adaptations girl’s sole guardian, he travels across space, as well as a thematic concern with ethnic and cultural outsiders refl ect Hoeg’s of Vladimir Nabokov’s tragic story, the country with her, eventually losing grab-bag collection of previous occupations; he brings this same restless virtuosity to become so much more than merely the her and ultimately, therefore, the will to his writing. His talent lies mostly in his ability to reinvent the traditions of whatever book Nabokov wrote. It is the story of exist. It is a tragic love story - a paean literary genre he locates himself in whilst maintaining his own intellectually the young nymphet, Dolores to America; a sordid tale; a complex, highly imaginative voice. Haze, nicknamed ‘Lolita,’ work of comic genius. Originally published in Denmark in 1988, Hoeg’s fi rst novel, The History of Danish and her seducer, Humbert The events of the book are Dreams, a tangled tale of multigenerational dreams, displayed intermittent fl ashes of Humbert, and tells of the terrible – at its focus, after all, brilliance amid the fl oundering complexity of its weighty plot and theme. That Hoeg cosmopolitan European’s are the sexual liaisons of a man was largely successful and critically acclaimed speaks to his talents as not only as a fi ght with his sexual desires aged forty engaging in with writer, but also as an aesthetic daredevil. His second novel. Tales of the Night, could regarding his young relation. a barely pubescent girl - but be classed as the only predictable aspect of his bibliography, swerving as it does It is a remarkable work of Nabokov’s great achievement away from magical realism to an equally rigorous motif: the nature of love. elegant, erudite narration is the humanization of his Hoeg’s third, and perhaps most well-known novel, Miss Smilla’s Feeling For Snow, and rightly stands amongst characters. Above all, Lolita turned him into a writer of international renown. Widely praised by critics and the the fi nest written novels in seems to be an assertion of the public alike (and later made into an acclaimed, if not barely watched fi lm), Hoeg’s English of the second half of power of the comic spirit to novel stood out starkly from the usual pack of suspense thrillers with its uncanny the twentieth century. wrest delight and truth from mix of scientifi c subtext, misanthropic female protagonist, and subtly poetic prose. The story is well-known: Humbert the most outlandish materials. It is one In it, antisocial Danish scientist Smilla, a cynical snow expert, questions the facts Humbert harbours desire for young of the funniest serious novels and the surrounding her six-year old Inuit neighbor’s “accidental” death, whose supposed girls - certain maidens “between the age vision of its abominable hero, who never fall off their apartment’s roof doesn’t match the tale his footprints in the snow tell, limits of nine and fourteen” - whose deludes or excuses himself, brings into nor does it square with his fear of heights. Smilla, half Greenland Inuit herself, had allure certain “bewitched travelers” can grotesque relief the cant, the vulgarity, gone against her own isolationist spirit and allowed herself to love the child, and occasionally succumb to. Humbert is and the hypocritical conventions that in her obsessive pursuit for the truth of his death collides into a titanic, submerged one such traveler and after marrying pervade the human comedy. conspiracy of racism and corporate murder. Hoeg’s most recent novel, The Woman and the Ape, (which followed his previous effort Borderliners) though a truly unclassifi able work that shatters the boundaries The University of Surrey Book Circle is an informal group that meets in the of realism, contains elements reminiscent of Nabokov’s Lolita. A strangely erotic, Willow Room of Wates House approximately once a month to discuss a book of almost fable-like satire of love between a woman and a highly intelligent new breed a member’s choice. Many of the books discussed are modern novels but classics, of ape, the book is the fi rst to reveal Hoeg’s sense of humor, which had previously non-fi ction books of interest or volumes of poetry are sometimes chosen. Ideas and lain dormant. reactions are shared on a Monday from 5.30-7pm. The Book Circle is open to staff, students and members of the public and new members are always welcome. Book To Start With: Miss Smilla’s Feeling For Snow The fi rst meeting will be on Monday, 23rd September (week 3), at which The First If you like Peter Hoeg try: Salman Rushdie; all dark-edged fantasy with an interest Man by Albert Camus will be discussed. in national history and the skeletons in the closet of that history 10 MUSIC 12 September 2002

SOMEDAY Music The Strokes Having now confi rmed their only-recently-found status over the festival period, The Strokes continue their assault on the record-buying public with the release of their Of all the bits in barearts, it’s probably the music bit that most people have qualms third single “Someday”. A decidedly jolly drum-beat, jangly guitars and typically with. We’re still not quite sure what to do with it, so if you have any suggestions lazy vocals all mix together to form a three minute song that will please those easily then please let us know. Even better, why not tell us what you are listening to and pleased and barely raise a smile from those who require a little more than retro see what everyone else thinks. clothes and music that, though decent enough, never really strikes you as particular If you enjoy chatting about music, be sure to log on to the bulletin board - a striking. six muzik section awaits especially. www.bb.ussu.co.uk SINGLES

BRING IT BACK DEAD LEAVES... McAlmont & Butler The White Stripes Would it be unreasonable to dismiss As the old adage goes, “familiarity the return of this duo as Fine Young breeds contempt” - a suggestion that Cannibals meets S Club7? Would it be the more you hear something, the less unfair to say that re-uniting after one you might actually like it. With the heck of a feud was possibly not the best White Stripes, and in particular ‘Dead move for the former Suede guitarist and Leaves and the Dirty Ground”, it’s not outlandishly gay singer? Should “Yes” that there is actually anything to dislike belong in the same back catalogue as but more that you want something with Above and below: smug this repetitive, Four Tops-reminiscent a bit more depth musically and not just little poppy number? The answer to all guitar and drums. Though Jack White’s of these questions is ‘possibly’ – edging delivery here is edgy enough to make up on the side of caution, this release must for this lack of substance, you can’t help be assumed to be a precursor for a more but think that the ideas will dry up soon defi nite statement with any subsequent enough. six singles to be released from the album of the same name. fi ve

They don’t look like this anymore, but they do UP THE BRACKET get on. Apparently. The Libertines Though perhaps an ill-founded claim, it EXTREME WAYS is a testament to The Strokes that they Moby HERE TO STAY have already plagued the majority of The second single to be taken from New Order up-and-coming bands with the tag line Moby’s 11th (yes, 11th) album is a This single is taken from the soundtrack ‘The New Strokes.’ The Libertines surprisingly short affair that takes the to ‘24 Hour Party People’, the fi lm are accordingly no exception, though familiar shuffl ing style associated with released in April of last year (see next quite where the similarities lie one can the bald one and gives it a Charlatans- week’s Film Section), and suggests that only hypothesise: reminiscent of The esque keyboard loop. The result, New Order should have thought a little Clash circa ‘London Calling’ (which is propagated by the usual catch-line lyric longer about re-uniting. Associated unsurprising, given that it is produced (in this case “then it fell apart”), is as always with Joy Division (and, to a by Mick Jones, the former guitarist/ typical of Moby and suggests not too lesser extent, the Happy Mondays, both vocalist of The Clash), “Up the Bracket” radical a departure from that which we of whom also appear on the soundtrack) hints at more than a fad if the melodies come to expect – though advertising the 80’s electronica outfi t only remain melodic and the decent use of companies may well have used all of disappoint with this offering, especially fi lls and gaps, in much the same way as their ‘Moby-tokens’ up with “Play” and after the excellent “Get Ready”, and Moby: plays football Jimmy Eat World, help the song along thus will probably pass this track by. have delivered, in all honesty, a half- instead of frustrate. six fi ve hearted attempt at a decent track. four

6TWENTY D4

ALBUMS New Zealand’s rising starlets attempt to break into the U.K. market with ‘rocky’ ‘6TWENTY’. The D4 style can be classed along with other MERCURY MUSIC PRIZE NOMINEES ‘rock’ bands such as the White Stripes, the Hives Various Artists and the Strokes, demonstrating a raw ‘rock’ Ms Dynamite: doesn’t work if wet sound. ‘Ladies Man’ stomps along at a decent It is that time of year again when the occasionally pretentious music industry awards pace, combining guitar rock with sixties-style this most prominent honor to an artist that they believe to have produced something organs - making it the most accomplished track special. Now, how they come about this decision is anybody’s guess and, to be on the album. In the fl ood of new rock bands, fair, is probably best left unsaid; nevertheless, this year’s collection of nominated D4 could easily be lost but if you’re into that artists is one of the fi nest for many years, ranging from the soul searching rapping kind of scene then delve that bit further to fi nd of Ms Dynamite to the indie trappings of The Electric Soft Parade, via the ingenious what lies beneath. The up-tempo ‘Come On!’ is ramblings of the number one contender for this crown, The Streets. As always uplifting, continuing their frantic approach further there are a few artists that only a few of us mortals would have heard of (Joanna to produce another well packaged track. With MacGregor and Guy Barker to name but two) but it is this aspect of the awards that the album lasting under 40 minutes, it is fast and expands the normal delights of such a commercial compilation to the far reaches furious but hits the spot rather than being made of of obscurity. As far as the music goes this compilation is defi nitely for those who fi llers. At times D4 show sparks but do not have are perhaps a little more knowledgable - as for the rest of us, stick with buying the that star quality; they do, however, have masses of artist’s albums. six potential and are one to watch in the future. six 12 September 2002 MUSIC & ART 11

THE MUSIC The Music Chancellor’s

‘The Music’ already have an element of hype surrounding them that is truly justifi ed Challenge from early glimpses. With previous EP’s increasing their profi le day by day, it was not long before NME took them under their wing well before the debut albums Now - before you start, I know it is release. This Leeds four–piece have had to earn respect heading their way and with neither music nor art, but I feel it my the latest single, the superb ‘Take The Long Road And Walk It’, confi rmed great duty to tell you that Chancellor’s Chal- things were ahead for these twenty something musicians. Displaying blistering lenge will now be moving to a Thursday instrumental prowess, The Music’s musical display overrides the vocal talent at evening. I will repeat: Chancellor’s times. With the sound similar throughout, some may fi nd this repetitive, but the pure Challenge will be moving to a Thursday energetic consistency more than makes up for this. ‘Turn Out The Light’ is more (which, for those of you who are unsure, vocally driven, to great effect, and stands out high along with upbeat ‘Get Away’. is the day after Wednesday, which itself Already developing their own unique sound, using improvised guitar echoing along is usually in the middle of the week). The Music: northern cagoul wearers with moody vocals, The Music truly speaks for itself. eight If you could all please adjust your The “dividing oneself” fashion never caught on EXPOSURE diaries accordingly so that you can still Gary Numan participate in theis weekly challenge then I would be very much obliged. The man who brought us number ones hits ‘Are Friends Electric’ and ‘Cars’, Gary You may also like to note that your Numan brings together a collection spanning four decades. Recent homage has new quiz-master will be one Charlotte highlighted Numan’s glory years with heavy sampling of ‘Are Friends Electric’ on Dawson. I am not sure what her quali- the Sugarbabes recent hit ‘Freak Like Me’. An ambassador of Electro and Techno – fi cations are for this role, though I am Rock, Numan made his mark on music inspiring and being inspired by commercially sure that she is adequately equipped for untouched styles at that time. With an unforgettable persona, he’s a love or hate him such a role. character that has kept in a time warp with his distinctive style. The unforgettable ‘Cars’ is a classic electronic track that shows his career at his prime, which sadly CHANCELLOR’S CHALLENGE was never to be reached again. This extensive double CD biography of his musical career is for an avid fan or for a nostalgia trip - but sometimes it would be have to be ITS THE SAME - ONLY ON A THURSDAY said its best to look foreword rather than back. fi ve 8PM ONWARDS

Perhaps someone could explain it to me Ok - the prizes are the following: because I don’t seem to understand this winner: muse hullabawullagadubba- principle: we ask you a very easy ques- Competition[s] tovimmabaloo dvd! tion (so as not to have to abide by lottery runner-up: a tub of fridge magnets! regulations as opposed to other regula- How to address this What to do now problem tions) and you answer it, which then problem? has been addressed? (I’d rather be a runner-up...). Anyway gives you the chance to win a probably- - your starter for ten: very-good prize if you’re a bit lucky. Number one: don’t, and But wait - there’s more, for usually keep all the prizes for Number one: tell everyone what does DVD stand for? whenever we run a competition we have myself. what the prize is the grand total of six, maybe seven en- Number two: do, and take Number two: think up a Q trants. By my reckoning, that gives you great pleasure in giving out really easy question and tell E-mail your answer to a, erm, one in seven chance of winning. the prizes with the smae everyone how to enter and [email protected] That aint bad, that. sort of pleasure of giving all that other sort of stuff The closing date is the day before fresh- So - question | answer | probably win if pressies out at christmas, you normally see associ- ers fayre and the judges decision is fi nal, no-one else can be bothered. except I haven’t paid for ated with competitions and whoever the judge is. Have fun. Right-o. anything. the such-like.

THE LEWIS ELTON Art GALLERY

The current exhibition at the Lewis Elton Art Gallery (the building opposite the entrance to the psychology and sociology department) is a series of paintings by three local artists, each of whom are members of the Royal Institute of Painters in Water Colours. Charles Bone, a former president of the Institute and governor of the Mall Gallery in London has exhibited many times at the University. Many of his paintings have been shown at the Royal Academy and the New English Art Club, as well as forming parts of private collections including those of HRH The Prince of Wales and HRH Prince Michael of Kent. His book Charles Bone’s Waverley outlined the history of the villages and towns in this area and two of the watercolours in this exhibition will be originals for his book on cathedrals. Lisa Graa Jensen was born in Sóborg, Denmark. Since 1978 she has worked as a painter and illustrator of books and greeting cards and has won the Royal Academy Christmas Card competition (1986), the Imperial Cancer Research Christmas card competition (1995) and the R I Kingsmead award (1997). She has exhibited widely in this country. Finally, Terry McKivragan left the commercial world as an art designer, illustrator and graphic designer to concentrate on watercolour painting and acrylics. He has won a number of awards, most notably the Royal Institute’s Medal Award and has had paintings hung in the Royal Academy’s Summer Exhibition. His work is included in two publications: Acrylics Masterclass and Paint! Seascapes and Waterways, and is represented by limited edition prints, calendars and greetings cards. The exhibition runs until 26th September. Admission is free. Opening hours: 10am-5pm Monday to Friday, 2-5pm at weekends.For more information, contact the Arts Offi ce. 14 FESTIVAL SPECIAL 12 September 2002

Tents The summer season of fun, hedonsim and music at Guilfest, V2002 and Reading Waterproof + Mud festivals

words: dave moore of LIVE (every alternative tuesday in t’ut union) wide as you’d expect at the big cheeses like Reading As festivals go, Guilfest doesn’t exactly have a reputation as a spoke in the ever- or Glasto, and there wasn’t much of a representative turning wheel of youth culture. If anything, I’d gained the impression that it was of alternative music with appearances from Lonnie a magnet for ageing hippies and Rolf Harris fans. However, being an intrepid Donegan and the aforementioned Mr. Harris. That seeker of all things musical (and the owner of an access all areas media pass) I was said, I did get to see Jools Holland as well as the prompted to brave the elements and give it a try. coolest ex-con on the planet, Huey from the Fun I have to admit, to my embarrassment, I was a bit of a festival virgin before my visit Lovin’ Criminals who headlined Saturday night to a to the planes of Stoke Park, Guilford, so any comparisons I make between Guilfest capacity crowd. Other highlights included Mercury and any of its counterparts are taken purely from my experience of watching John Rev, Echo and the Bunnymen and the fantastic Peel on telly, wading around Glastonbury in his wellies and Mogwai t-shirt. Glen Tillbrook (previous frontman of Squeeze) The principle difference would be the size. Not much chance of losing your tent at whose solo acoustic version of Voodoo Chile will live with me forever. Huey: cool con Guilfest as, of the 12000 visitors who pass through the gates during the three days, Not all the music wafted down the middle of the road though, thanks to the only a small proportion choose to bring their accommodation with them. Most, like inclusion of the Liveclub (no relation to LIVE) Unsung Heroes Stage, expertly me, obviously had a much more comfortable bed within walking distance, which maintained by our very own USSU Stagecrew. Unsigned bands (with a few seemed like a far more practical solution than sleeping on the ground. The site was exceptions who just weren’t quite big enough to get onto a larger stage) from the big enough to hold four stages (one being a dance tent – my only visit to which was local area were given the chance to perform to a festival audience and make a name to see Bez from the Happy Mondays who, in true Happy Mondays style, didn’t do for themselves. Familiar names like Reuben, Hotel Lounge and recent LIVE anything except prance around like a goon), each of which hosting pretty much performers Hipslinky featured, as well as some slightly newer arrivals such as the continuous music all day as well as a comedy Itchy Tits All Girl Punk Show (who formed a matter of days before the gig so I’ve tent. been told – not that it showed…). After a few fi nancial diffi culties last year, the If music wasn’t your thing (though why you’d be at a music festival if it wasn’t organisers obviously had to stick to a budget I’m not really sure) there was the usual plethora of stalls selling everything children and the stages did look a bit shoddy. The site of the earth could ever need, as well as an array of fast food vans to gamble your did however have the feeling that you weren’t in gastrological safety with. There was also the opportunity to buy ‘legal drugs’ from a heavily sponsored area and defi nitely left me a friendly retailer, which you could then go and ingest in the chill out lounge over feeling much more relaxed than I would have herbal tea complimented with a joss stick whilst a yeti waved a didgeridoo over you been if, for instance, I couldn’t get away from a banishing negativity. huge Carling logo wherever I went. The laid back Okay, so maybe I have been a bit cynical about it, but I genuinely enjoyed myself at atmosphere of the festival prevailed. Guilfest. Maybe it is oozing with middle class and middle age, but that’s part of its The range of music available wasn’t really as charm and providing there’s a few good acts, I’ll defi nitely be returning next year. ‘Do you know what it is yet?’ “The same set as last year, Rolf?”

A warm and generally sunny weekend – not Chemical brothers and Badly Drawn Boy (have to And I just have to mention Nickleback. I seemed to the weather you’d expect for a say, don’t think Travis were missed – get well soon ‘n love this for the same reasons most moved on to watch music festival, and though all Mr Drummer!). I opted for Badly Drawn Boy and Beta Band (who I shouldn’t have missed apparently): it may not be as ‘rock they were certainly one of the highlights for me, despite American Pirotechnics jam packed from beginning to n roll’ as wading knee being in the sweat pit arena at the end of the weekend end, stacks of speakers that clearly weren’t all being high in mud from stage to stage, it seemed an with outrageous backache. Damien Gough was a true used, and of course, tight jeans… fantastic! Another added bonus to the already enjoyable V festival entertainer and performances - fl awless. festival memorable moment came during “how you 2002 at Weston Park. Turin Brakes preceded these with an acoustic set; remind me” (of course they played it) when, timed to The less than obvious choice, Beverley Knight kicked ‘thought we might appreciate something a bit different’. perfection, the heavens opened for the only time during off performances on Saturday. The crowd consisted And we certainly seemed to. Has anyone else noticed the weekend: true ROCCCKKKK! (complete with hand mainly of gals singing along with disinterested how yummy the lead guitarist is? Well worth missing gesture – couldn’t stop myself, sorry!!!) boyfriends in tow. Many of the campers were most of Alanis Morrissette for that reason alone; So all in all, very impressed by the performances more than likely still recovering from pre-festival although I hear she was pretty damn good, belting out and organisation of the festival. Only complaints are celebrations! However, the poor turn-out didn’t all the old classics. the usual overpricing of merchandise and food (come seem to affect our Bev, and she did a good show! A Ed Harcourt, 1st act on Sunday was sensational. Very on Mr Branson, God’s been kinder to you than most, very talented lady: a refreshingly different style to dramatic, theatrical performance from a great musician. show a little gratitude), and the peculiar layout of the usual festival artists. In fact, praise should be given Could not touch on Gemma Hayes as one of the best toilets. As a girl I didn’t much enjoy having to to the festival organisers for some brave choices and of the weekend (in my humble opinion). Beautiful girl walk past a line of men in full fl ow in order to consequently a diverse range of acts over the two days. playing beautiful music, beautifully. The album ‘night get to a cubicle, and I can’t imagine As always you can’t see everything you want to, but I on my side’ was really brought - unless you were particularly proud of didn’t miss much; didn’t actually sit down at all on the to life by the live performance. your meat and two veg. -you chaps did Sunday! I’ll take you through a few of my faves, in no And what a voice! Shivers either! And apparently, the bit you particular order. down your spine: don’t think had to aim into was quite a way off Stereophonics as Saturday’s headliners couldn’t really I’ve heard better. the ground, and my 5ft 71⁄2 inch tall disappoint could they, with their dedicated following Athlete – hadn’t heard much boyfriend didn’t appreciate having to stand and sticking to classics such as 1000 trees and handbags of their material but their on his tip- toes to pee! I suggest a re-think and gladrags? Enjoyed. Gemma Hayes: performance persuaded me to for next year. Sundays headliners – what a choice! The Manics, lonely, though beautiful buy the album. Great band. words: holly cox 12 September 2002 FESTIVAL SPECIAL 15

words: chris hunter Weezer: apparently aware they are being In the morning I was woken by the cold. looked at thorugh a microscope We arrived early to the Reading I sat there for about 45mins thinking “I’m campsite by one of the back entrances, really cold”, then decided to put on (over Friday and were about the 40th car in the car the top of my PJs) combats, 2 tee-shirts, park. On the long trek from where we and a fl eece. Woke up again 4 hours later feeling warm, and we all left for a pub left the car to where we pitched, my breakfast (not keen enough to stove cook!). We entered the arena, and the fi rst thing I arms reminded me why I said “I won’t did… was to get my phone charged. take that patrol tent next year”! Three Mercury Rev kicked off - I saw them a month ago at the intimate Cambridge trips later we were pitched around the Junction, so I was not sure they would go down well at 2pm Saturday afternoon on base of the “Yellow Road 3” sign, and the main stage. They started off quite weakly, but fi nished as confi dentally as in The the alcohol was freely fl owing. To our Junction. Dot Allison was very pretty, but I didn’t hear much of her music. White amusement a guy across the path was Stripes: everyone was talking about them (or was it more about their brother/sister going bottomless, and asking girls to relationship?) although I’d not heard any of their music before. I was very impressed help him fi nd his pants. The amusement with how varied their music was with just 2 of them on stage. wasn’t what he was doing, but him and Weezer were late on stage, and the crowd was really frustrated. Finally they came his friend getting arrested! on to an immense wave of support. They played a good set, full of sound problems, and almost every song had the crowd jumping. Pulp played their best set I have ever seen live. They were a real change from all the thrashy guitars and behaviourally challenged screaming singers. The rain had seen off the people that didn’t want to be there, and for a Pulp fan this set was a great sing-along! The Strokes played the same set as last year, but with more arrogance. There was a lot of talk afterwards as to whether Mean Fiddler should have just put a CD player on the stage with their album on it, and not actually paid The Strokes to be there at all. Aphex Twin were recommended by a random guy that had fl own from Australia to see them – so I saw them. Not really heard this style of dance music before, but everyone seemed to recognise the songs(?). The tent was jammed, and I had just Andrew WK: angry he only came second in a The White Stripes: shy about enough room to have a little jigg. Would pay to see them again! Jesus look-a-like competition Beatles, and at least they could all play their instruments, but they just didn’t do Saturday it for me. As I’d already put the 2 teeshirts and PJs Ash were fresh from a coach crash in on I expected not to wake up. So I woke America. The only sign that anything up at about 5am feeling cold, put the had happened was the white collar combats and fl eece on again, and next around one of the support musician’s woke up at breakfast time. Another pub neck – the set perfect. However, I don’t breakfast later and we were back in the think it was as good as last year’s Radio main arena. 1 stage performance, but the crowd liked Andrew W.K. was the guy that it! Muse. Just before they came on the EVERYONE wanted to see. I was right rain started to pour down. As I’m really at the front, and the guy looked like clever I had this plastic blanket thing he was having the best time you could saved from the morning, and although it ever have. He was loving every minute was nice that we made loads of friends of it, and most of the crowd were just with the people that seemed to suddenly enjoying the fun of the set. This was the join us under the blanket – there was best feel-good set of the festival! Less no room for my back under it! The than Jake were quite fun, although not weather suited the music, and I would as fun as Greenday. I had an interesting say they were one of the best bands I’d moment where I was caught in the seen at Reading this year. Foo Fighters middle of 2 circle pits, although the best came on to an ecstatic crowd…. who part about this set was seeing a Kermit fell silent at the fi rst few notes, when puppet held aloft and singing along to they all realised that it was a new song all the songs (although technically he and they didn’t know what to sing or wasn’t actually singing. He is not real!) when to jump. The old favourites soon The Hives were meant to be good, but I followed, and Everlong was the last just can’t see what’s different about the song before their massive fi reworks screaming arrogant Sweeeedish band. display took everyone’s attention, and Ok, they all were trying to dress like the the Foos slipped quietly off. Matt Bellamy of Muse: having to deal with his erection “abnormalities”

After sleeping in the combats, 2 tee-shirts and PJs I woke up cold at 4:45am-ish to don the fl eece. I’ve been in Scouting since the age of 5 – you’d think I should’ve got this right by now! One of my campmates seemed to have had a good night, and was still lying unconscious by the fi re at around 11am! No pub meal today because it was a Sunday (I still don’t understand why not?). My mouth/throat/nose/lungs had just about recovered though, so I could talk again… and I did. NoFX were not going down well with the people around me (near the back on the left), until they played the song “Idiot son of an Asshole president”, and suddenly the people around me realised that the band don’t take themselves or anything else too seriously, Sundayand started to enjoy it. Cornershop played an interesting set, and after playing their most well known song a lot of people left the tent. All I wanted was food, but the blumin Chinese food van needed restocking, and I had to wait. The Offspring. I FINALLY got my noodles and we went to see Offspring. We watched them from the right of the thing in the middle of the arena fl oor, and there was quite a lot of room around us which meant some girls were skanking. Good fun that skanking thing. Offspring were not playing well, and seemed to be expecting more from the crowd. The lead guy even said “Why aren’t more of you throwing yourself over the bar? Enough of you were doing it for NoFX and Slipknot”. They were enjoyable though. Prodigy. The winner of the Best Reading Festival stage design for the last 3 years award - goes to Prodigy! The stage was amazing: a huge metallic matrix with 18 massive strobes, 4 searchlights, neon glowy things, and 6 huge vertical light bars (and obviously all the normal lights as well). The best effect was when the 6 huge light bars turned into the green/red graphic equalisers, and beat in time to the music! They covered a Madness song, and played very well. Very very well for Breathe and Firestarter. After the bands fi nished, and we left the arena, the fun started. Every last night at the festival you can say what you want and do what you want, and people will play along with you. At 2am I had this great idea about giving guided tours of the telegraph pole by our tents – I gave my last guided tour at 4:30am! During this time Chris, Ray and Stuart were giving Andrew W.K. impressions to keep the waiting tour victims happy. Andew W.K. would have been proud! 16 COMMUNICATION 12 September 2002

GU2 Radio The University of Surrey Students’ Union Radio Station GU2 – the radio station of the University THE RE-LAUNCH of Surrey Students’ Union is re-launching During the fi rst few weeks of broadcasting keep your ears glued to the radio and very soon – the 22nd September, in fact, so eyes on the GU2 website (www.gu2.co.uk) for the latest information on everything keep an eye out for the crew during freshers that’s happening on campus and all planned GU2 events which will be open for all week. Live outside broadcasts will be taking members/non-members to attend. place throughout the week starting off on SOME DATES nd Sunday 22 where new arrivals will be The fi rst meeting for existing members will take place today in the new committee welcomed by GU2 members in car park 4. room (5pm for committee and6.15pm for everyone else). There will also be appearances on Thursday, Following recruitment at the freshers fayre, there will be an introductory session Friday and Saturday nights from in and for all new members and for those interested on Thursday 3rd October in one of the around the union building so make sure you lecture theatres (details to be confi rmed). It will be an evening session from 6.30- come along for your chance to win free cds 9.00 including refreshments and activities. All interested parties please sign up at and many other prize give-aways. Top of the the freshers fayre or email us at [email protected]. Please note that all those agenda however is making sure everyone interested in joining GU2 would benefi t from attending the volunteering open day is having a good time and facilitating their also taking place on this date during the day. enjoyment by getting them involved in crazy Soon GU2 1350am will be heard in F? quality throughout the union building and games and competitions. Chancellor’s, so whatever you’re doing there you’ll be able to hear us. Now is the time to get in touch with the GU2 team if you’ve always been interested If you’re a GU2 virgin and want to fi nd out more about the station before it goes in getting involved and never got around to it or wanted more information. You can back on air, a new updated version of the website will be up and running in the th either email us at [email protected] or better still come and visit us on Friday 27 near future, but for the time being get a feel for what we do at www.gu2.co.uk. at the freshers fayre to sign up and ask any questions. Alternatively email: [email protected].

A LITTLE BIT OF RECENT HISTORY Good luck everybody for the new academic year - give it all you’ve got and make GU2 is now under the new management of me - Bianca Toy. I’d like to take this the most of GU2 - a valuable aid to getting the most out of life here at the University opportunity to say once again thanks to my predecessor Gareth Davies for his valuable of Surrey. words: bianca toy contribution as manager for the past two years. Now that I’m in the driving seat, so j-team.biz j-team.biz to speak, there will be some noticeable changes in the station as a whole which will - benefi t all members of GU2 and our audience. Some of these changes will be outlined team weekly in barefacts. J

“Well, after years of mystery, barefacts can fi nally reveal the truth behind JANET. We can fi nally tell you that the whole JANET saga was carefully orchestrated by none other than our very own.... wait for it... GU2 “J Team”. Back in the days of Guildford Campus Radio the J Team hosted one of the very few shows on GCR and are now an integral part of GU2. The whole plot was basically a publicity stunt, although because nobody realised it was the “J Team” it didn’t really bring them that much publicity... doh! As to the reason for choosing the name JANET. Well, you’ll just have to ask them: www.j-team.biz” – Tristan O’Dwyer:former editor

We’d like to begin our barefacts careers with a big warm welcome back to everybody. We hope you all had fantastic Summers! Readers of the ‘barefacts - Graduation Special’, available earlier this Summer, will recognise the above as The bulletin board is a forum in which everyone gets together and has a “chat” a quote from the section concerning that odd, nearly three year old phenomenon about what it is they want to chat about. It’s tremendous fun and well worth a visit ‘Janet’. Tristan approached us prior to writing the above article and asked if we (although can be highly addictive and hugely entertaining.) If you want to join in the would explain all. Truth is, time got the better of us so Tristan had to make a valiant fun, here’s a taster of what you will be greeted with when you get there: effort alone. Until now, that is! That’s right, for the fi rst time in black and white (or whatever colour Rich decides to print this in) is the full Janet story. Well, kind of. Is student apathy a valid concept? Mr. Tea was bored out of his brain and plonked in the KUB of one Stag Hill 22. RIP Channies sofa’s...Long Live the Sofas A pair of scissors in one hand, cardboard box in the other, many letters were being Waking up as a member of the opposite sex... churned out. T’s, N’s, A’s, J’s and, in case you hadn’t guessed, E’s, were appearing all over my table. Mr. Tea was no longer bored. What he was though was insane. I What song would you have played at your funeral? had only known him a month or so and the madness-making brains we possessed had Shockingly bad pick-up lines so little between them. It was therefore no surprise when he agreed to my suggestion Endsleigh adverts that we go running round campus sticking these letters up everywhere. The verb ‘to Janet’ was born and our new pastime ‘to go Janeting’ had been created. just how personal is religion anyway? When I look back it seems like months on end we were out on these crazy missions, “in today’s society when religion is becoming increasingly subverted to the but it was probably only a night or two over a couple of weeks. The aim had become beliefs and values of the individual, where people pick and choose like a buffet from purely to make it into this here publication. It worked alright. Front page. Twice. After the initial publicity, the Janet 7, as we were then called, gave it a rest. Janet the religions on offer, what good is organised religion anyway? Is religion still so was only dug out on special occasions, such as Valentine’s Day. Mr. Tea and I had institutionalised in society that people feel the need to fi nd a label for themselves and discovered Guildford Campus Radio and were concentrating all of our efforts on the crawl into a pigeonhole they probably don’t fi t in?” show. The show, by the way, that was then known as ‘The J-Team’. Guess what the have your say ‘J’ stood for… The J-Team Classic movie of the week – Back To The Future Trilogy (Rating - JJJJJ)

The J-Team Classic will return to your 1350AM wireless on Thursday 26th September from 7pm. Be there for the re-launch of j-team.biz, the offi cial J-Team website! 12 September 2002 INTERACTIVE 17

WELCOME TO THE new interac- then you would all know the answers. Who Wants to Be A Millionaire? tive bit of barefacts. Well, we say new You see what we’re getting at, though). Ok - so we haven’t got the life-lines and there is certainly no dramatic music to make when what we really mean to say is Anyway, please enjoy it and let us know the atmosphere tense. Indeed, there is no money actually involved; but don’t let that ‘re-hashed’ because everything you what you think - constructive or not, stop you - compete as if you were sitting in a sticky leather chair and check your see on this page has appeared at some we’d like to hear your comments. answers on the bottom of page 21 (depending on whether I’ve remembered to put point or another in previous years. (Not them there or not the exact same bits, obviously, because [email protected] £100: Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote a musical called “The Phantom of the…” what? a: opera | b: pantomime | c: ballet | d: mask Lyrics Quiz Lyrics Quiz Lyrics Quiz

£200: on television, which one of these pubs is in Walford? Ah yes - the good old lyrics quiz, whose quest it is to titillate, infuriate and irritate a: the rover’s return | b: the woolpack | c: the nag’s head | d: the queen you with small snippets of song lyrics in the vague hope that you will be able to victoria “name that tune”, as Lionel would have said. Each and every week will take artists beginning with various letters of the alphabet, and so what better place to start than £300: what sort of race was athlete Sebastian Coe’s speciality? where it all began: a’s. (answers are/are not* on page 21) *delete as applicable a: sprint | b: middle distance | c: hurdles | d: marathon 1. “Shying away - oh, I’ll be coming for your love, ok?” £500: which of these is both a Beatles hit single and a street in Liverpool? 2. “And you know: it ain’t fi ction - just a natural fact” a: abbey road | b: penny lane | c: blue jay way | d: electric avenue 3. “I’m lying alone with my head on the phone thinking of you ‘til it hurts” 4. “He’s too stoned (Nintendo). I wish that I could make her see” £1k: which bird’s name means “two under par” in golf? 5. “I ain’t got no more tears to cry and I can’t take this no more” a: duck | b: albatross | c: eagle | d: vulture 6. “I spend my cash on looking fl ash and grabbing your attention” 7. “The colors of a rainbow - so pretty in the sky” £2k: when somebody suffers from mumps, which body parts swell up? 8. “Jimmy quit and Jody got married: I shoulda known we’d never get far” a: joints | b: ears | c: glands | d: feet 9. “Today I sleep in the chair by the window, it felt as if you’d returned” 10. “Just one look and I can hear a bell ring; one more look and I forget everything” £4k: which car became known as a “Tin Lizzie”? a: austin 7 | b: model t ford | c: volkswagen beetle | d: mini WORD £8k: which US state is nicknamed the “empire” state? This is a crossword. It might be diffi cult, or it could be easy. The point a: new york | b: california | c: alaska | d: texas is that it’s here, at least, and that, my interactive friends, is a start. £16k: which racecourse was founded by Queen Anne in 1711? X a: newmarket | b: epsom | c: aintree | d: ascot

£32k: which of these Oasis songs did not reach number one in the UK singles chart? a: wonderwall | b: some might say | c: d’you know what I mean? | d: all around the world

£64k: the fi rst three king Edwards belonged to which royal house? a: plantagent | b: lancaster | c: york | d: tudor

£125k: what kind of animal is a “moke”? a: monkey | b: donkey | c: sheep | d: dog

£250k: what is produced by the Haber-Bosch process? a: sulphuric acid | b: ammonia | c: pvc | d: stainless steel

£500k: on which date in October 1929 was “Black Thursday”, the day the Wall Street Crash began? a: 24th | b: 25th | c: 28th | d: 29th

£1m: Ginger Rogers won a Best Actress Oscar for the fi lm “Kitty Foyle,” released in which year? a: 1934 | b: 1936 | c: 1938 | d: 1940

lucky reader. Wannabe DJs will have a chance to strut their stuff in front of a panel of judges including BBC Radio One’s Lottie and other music industry across down The University of Surrey will be professionals. Lottie will also take to the 1. hampshire town [7] 1. collect [5] hosting a regional heat for MixitMoto, decks to give union revellers a night of 5. banquet [5] 2. small drop [7] a nationwide competition for wannabe class tunes. 8. farewell [5] 3. guarantee [5] DJ’s on Wednesday 30th October. DJs will be marked on originality, 9. misgiving [7] 4. holiday destination [6] The fourteen-date tour will land at the innovation, technical skill and ability to 10. chemical element [7] 5. incinerator [7] Students Union, where one student will entertain the crowd. All winners will 11. vigilant [5] 6. plentiful [5] be able to prove they are the daddy on then go onto the fi nal being held at a top 12. fuel [6] 7. playhouse [7] 14. grinding implement [6] 12. attitude [7] the decks. Not only will one lucky lad London club where a fantastic package of 17. uncertain [5] 13. greek epic [7] or lass win the accolade, NUS Ents are prizes can be won. For more information 19. welsh dish [7] 15. smoking material [7] also providing barefacts with a motorola contact Shruti on 020 7490 0946 or 22. item of household equipment 16. cavort [6] phone to give away as a prize for one [email protected] [7] 18. skilful [5] 23. place of pilgrimage [5] 20. latin american dance [5] 24. access [5] 21. snares [5] 25. soft leather [7] answers on page 21. maybe.

12 September 2002 A DAY IN THE LIFE OF... 19 A Day In The Life Of... The fi rst in an occasional series looking at who does what CHEF and where in and around campus 11.40am: Coffee fi x with most staff necessary to calm down! tense moments, when all the staff, having a fi ve/ten minute break to get 3.30pm: Prep for evening shift, pull front and back of house have a laugh re-aquainted with the coffee bean, and knives back out of walls and each other and take time out, together, safe in the cool down outside/warm up outside, down of the ceiling. knowledge that there are never any depending on the weather. This is 4.50pm: Late, tired and hungry, get serious arguments or discussions, and mostly done with one or two people all apologise on the very rare occasions still serving and prepping as the kitchen when there are, they all get along, and Chef: Katy Jackets work is nonstop all day every day, the teams that work here in the Union sometimes is very hot circumstances. are so well adjusted and work so well 7.45am: Fall in through the door, trip 11.45am: Specials and menu info together, even the newer members of over: mop/delivery/own feet. gathered and passed on to front of house staff, feel welcome and relaxed straight 7.46am: Prop eyes open with matches in so they are well informed and can adjust away. typical “studentstudymode” style. boards and menus as necessary. All our It is a good thing to see the staff Switch on coffee machines, struggle food is freshly cooked and home made. perform well under pressure and with lack of caffeine/sleep/patience. Being made from scratch and with fresh showered and changed, chill for fi ve still all relaxed when the pressure Swear and curse under breath as coffee ingredients, there are times when our minutes with evening shift and go home, is eased. There will be times when machine continues its personal vendetta suppliers cannot supply with the correct which normally involves sleeping the tickets are wrong, when the customer against all staff. or the volume we need, so it is a tribute evening away and getting up to do it is not satisfi ed or when the chef 7.50am: Sit down with gathered staff, to all the staff, front and back of house, all over again! Working in kitchens simply makes a mistake. It is the pride refl ecting on events of yesterday and/or that only on rare occasions do you guys does tire people out but it can be a good and professionalism that prevents weekend; arrange staffi ng locations for get to know about it. crack, with the right team and the right these issues being problems on most the day, discuss specials, menu planning 12.00pm: LUNCH! As most of you will place. Union house is onesuch place. occasions and that is why everyone can and each other. know, this can be a busy time for the During any kitchen shift in any kitchen take a bow, whether it is catering for the 8.00am: The working day begins, with kitchen! Being a victim of your own in the world, there are really busy CommonWealth Games (and we will all staff starting to prep for breakfast, success can sometimes mean we cannot times and not so busy times, and these keep mentioning that one!) (see news do battle with dishwasher (which serve as many people as we would like, can sometimes have tense moments as section - ed) or resuming normal term always wins) and organise selves into as often as we like, but that does not everyone tries to achieve the ultimate time service, this is a challenging and areas for session. Whilst doing this, stop us from trying. There are always goal of getting satisfi ed customers. yet satisfying environment to work in report any breakdowns and equipment issues with catering, that, on the surface The mark of a good team is that even and never a dull moment. Chef! failures, check and record hygiene of it to the untrained eye or customer though there may be some slightly and temperatures, ensure satisfactory would seem daft, but quite often, that standards are the least we begin the day person will be in the minority. People with. moving tables or themselves is a typical 8.30am: Breakfast begins, with a few event, which the staff try to manage regular orders coming in, the usual mass well, by trying to remember names or ordering of breakfast Wraps and the faces, and looking around them to trace LADYMEAD daily University Caffi ne Haul. From the customer, but it happens! this point on, more and more serious The biggest danger in this instance work begins with the prep for lunch is having to go into the kitchen and RETAIL PARK and the arranging of specials, menu tell the chef that we cannot fi nd the planning and general cooking and customer, and the meal is still here, dealing with the heat of a kitchen hotter whilst ducking to avoid the frying pan than re-entry. All of this goes on for the as it goes whistling past our ears!!! morning, alongside deliveries, issues This may seem a trivial issue to us as such as equipment breakdowns and customers, but to the kitchen, it could WE ARE CURRENTLY SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC PEOPLE general service. Whilst it seems that the spell a problem. Is there someone with equipment breaks down often, it is in the wrong meal? Has someone been (WHO MUST BE OVER 16) fact the sheer usage all pieces get, with missed? Has the chef simply over- many and most being used constantly estimated how many dishes to prepare? to work from 8.00am to 9.00pm, most days of Either way, we try to deal with it in so the year. that never affects the customers. FULL TIME | PART TIME | WEEKENDS | EVENINGS

* Hours to suit * Full Job Training * Free Meals * Management Opportunities * Free Parking

Behind the scenes of your lunchtime grub: the kitchen of Chancellor’s £4.50 per hour The kitchens are running effi ciently 2.30pm: Orders and deliveries to be nowadays, with the right levels of staff received and placed, normally by the and this means, as most hardworking ever fun game of telephone tennis people will agree, that most times are with the people on the other end, (who always busy times, whether they will all appear to be nortern). During this Call Kyle on [01483] 539822 0r [07904] 389413 be actually making meals or cooking or time, all try to take a break, have spot placing orders. of lunch, get a drink or do whatever is 20 PERSONALS & STARS 12 September 2002

Dogs wanted, all shapes Rawson massif 2002 ALMOST ACCURATE and sizes welcome - 2003: Bring on the (although scuffy and photographs ASTROLOGY mangy items not usually (written by a member of the Society of Fake Astrologers in wanted by anybody else And so the new series of preferred). Call the MaD Soc Soap close association with many sentient beings and other super- Sledge on 0891 Personals Opera begins... natural creatures) PULLED BY DOGS words and predicting: jo wallis Bearded Brother 3 anyone?! Ginger one, alledegedly, Virgo Pisces in need of a brain. only at Surrey we’re proud of Is there something you There’s something to applicants above 43 IQ and our fi ne mallards... should be doing today or are celebrate this week so let’s below 130 on new scale.... you letting the grass grow go out to the nearest bar and .wait.....no....damn it these amazing creatures under your feet? On the contrary - you buy everyone a drink. Suddenly you will be the centrepiece are doing the right thing in the right have strength, direction, purpose and Dicktionnairi wanted of our tour of the way, so prepare to be given a wonderful power. From now until mid October you for Bio Kem student, campus....be sure to pick gift. will be journeying towards fulfi lment. who can’t type or spell up your Surrey Duck mug for tofee. Tuition also from our bookshop on the Libra Aries considered, must be above way out from...ugle A watched pot never boils, There is always going to proimary skool level or so the saying goes. Of be someone or something It’s just toothpaste, course it boils it just takes and more often than not Wanted: Sick bucket for daddy. longer. Feel free however to focus on these two will be connected. Either the Fresher, alledgedly 2nd any simmering preoccupation’s, but someone will cause the something or Team Hockey captain, but Wanted: DJ. Must be able stop short of stirring the pot. Keep your will have been charged with clearing cannot drink for toffee. to write hello backwards. wooden spoon it may come in useful it up. This is going to be a surprisingly later. good week, tough there is likely to be one foot cock for sale. Pob for President. Oh, I someone or something. needs constant attention. forgot he already is... Scorpio comes with human body. Salmon can fi nd their way Taurus please contact dunj on j has a nice bum - at home over a distance of Whose world is it really? If it 696969 least i think so anyway many thousands of miles: is truly yours and mine, why this is why there’s hundreds of tins in does so much seem out of the supermarket. They’re all trying to our control. Take back that control this fi nd their way home. Lets hope you have week and listen. You should allow some this talent on your way home! Welcome sympathy for the reasons behind the to a week of confusion and dubious issue but make sure you end up happy. How To Submit A Personal augment. Some maybe amusing. Some It has been a while since the personals never a good idea. may leave you exasperated. Gemini section of barefacts has spilled over to Some far-fetched notions a second page and people considered Step 2.75: in fact, a shared bottle of Sagittarius turn out to be surprisingly it their sole purpose in life to humiliate vodka is never a good idea either, but What’s the difference valuable and viable. their friends (or enemies) with one what the heck. between a good idea and Sometimes you are too quick to pour cutting, cryptic sentence that no-one else a bad idea? Often the cold water on new ideas: in general it is had any idea about. This, dear reader, is Step 3: sit back as you watch your implementation. Some really bad ideas always best to err on the side of open- a shame, and so perhaps it is now time ‘friends’ make fools of themselves have been carried out very successfully mindedness. Don’t be too cautious and to wake the dormant giant that is “the with various members of the student but some good ideas have sunk without you’ll fi nd yourself remembering the personals” so that once again we can all population and/or security during said a trace. Enthusiasm and application things you did for years to come. revel in each others misery and laugh at evening. Note down distinguishing count for a lot these days, when both are the misfortune of others who probably occurrences in the little notebook you used its possible to put gloss on dross. Cancer should have known better. Below is a should have taken out especially for the This weekend use a little discrimination I remember sat colouring brief guide outlining how to submit a task and relish the printed words that and then get cracking. Good luck! one day with my best friend; personal. You may need to read this in will signal your friends misery in the we decided to mix all the order to exact your revenge on those too new edition of barefacts. Capricorn colours together, to make the best colour devious to share it with you. Why do we sleep? Think of in the world. I was about four I think. It Step 4: type out your personal and send the hours wasted across the didn’t make the best colour in the world, Step 1: make some friends. It is it in by placing any one of world - think what else you just a patch of muddy, dirty brown. So, preferable if they display an obvious could be doing! Does sleep generate not being put off we tried again, putting ability for temporary stupidity or are [email protected] wealth? Does it contribute to the gross the colours on in a different order, we likely to demonstrate a severe lack of [email protected] national product? The only people who got the same results. As with crayons all good judgment at any point in the future, [email protected] could be profi ting out of this activity is subjects have the potential to overlap, especially when under the infl uence of the bed manufacturers. Surely it should by keeping them separate the colours alcohol that you will probably provide in the appropriate place on one of these banned? Well no but you take my point! stay bright and nice. Apply this idea this them with. new-fangled computer things (with Not everything in life has to be practical week and you’ll have a bright and nice “personals” in the subject matter, if you or make a profi t. Be lead by your heart week. Step 2: suggest to aforementioned would be so kind). An e-mail program not your bank balance this week friends that the Union would be a such as elm, pine or the internet should Leo good place for an evening’s frivolities be able to help you with this. Aquarius They say beauty is in the and ensure they are all in agreement Be on the look out for a eye of the beholder, so what concerning the approach to be taken to Step 5: be sure to pick up your copies hidden agenda this week. does that make ugliness? Is that evening’s possible events. of barefacts and thus ridicule your You cannot see this unless that just a mere projection? All of us see friends when they see the fruits of your you look and you won’t see properly if only what it is we want to see. A veil is Step 2.5: for added effect, you dastardly and cunning plan. you’re too busy. Be one step ahead of being lifted from your eyes this week. could offer to cook dinner and the game and you will fi nd an amazing Confusion should turn to inspiration and then accidentally forget to buy any Step 6: do it all again (taking care not to solution. an alternative week. food...drinking on an empty stomach is become a victim yourself). 12 September 2002 ConC & LATW 21

Lots of people on campus. Pictures of said people. Simple, really. If this is you circled below, pop by the barefacts offi ce and pick up your free entry to the Union aught for a FNO. Nice. (Please send in your piccies...)

CA M E R A

ife After The Womb words: rich w

Life After the Womb is veryL privileged to have with it this week Sister Rosa Harringdon of the St Mary the Virgin and Dressmaker Convent in Godalming, who mia” “mama – Abba 10. mars” from “girl – Ash

is here to discuss and answer some reader’s questions regarding the portrayal of 9. ‘69” of “summer – Adams Bryan 8. world” wonderful a “what – Armstrong Louis 7. deliver” and love” 4. American hi-fi – “fl avor of the weak” 5. Anastasia – “i’m outta love” 6. Adam Ant – “stand “stand – Ant Adam 6. love” outta “i’m – Anastasia 5. weak” the of avor “fl – hi-fi American 4. love”

: 1. A-ha – “take on me” 2. Paula Abdul – “opposites attract” 3. Air Supply – “all out of of out “all – Supply Air 3. attract” “opposites – Abdul Paula 2. me” on “take – A-ha 1. : heaven in popular culture. Our fi rst question comes from Jack, a second year physics Quiz Lyrics

student: traps 21. | rumba 20. | adept 18. | frolic 16. |

Led Zeppelin suggested in the most famous song of their expansive back catalogue tobacco 15. | odyssey 13. | posture 12. | theatre 7. | ample 6. | furnace 5. | resort 4. | vouch 3. | driblet

: 1. amass | 2. 2. | amass 1. : down

that there is only a stairway to heaven and not the usual choice of ascension to the chamois 25. | entry 24. | mecca 23. | utensil 22. | rarebit 19. | shaky 17. | pestle

X

1. alert | 12. petrol | 14. 14. | petrol 12. | alert 1. 1 | sulphur 10. | scruple 9. | adieu 8. | feast 5. | andover 1. : across :

pearly gates, such as escalators and lifts. Is this not a little exclusive on behalf of word : d]. d]. : £1m [ a]; : £500k [ b]; : £250k [ b]; : £125k [ a]; : £64k [ a]; : £32k d];[ : £16k

the heavenly planning authorities, given that lesser-able-bodied people and older [ : a]; a]; : £8k [ b]; : £4k [ c]; : £2k [ c]; : £1k [ b]; : £500 [ b]; : £300 [ d]; : £200 [ a]; : £100 [ WWTBAM: folks struggle with stairs?” Answers Upside-Down Sister Rosa answers: indeed, that is a fair point and one would think that the design of heaven – which I should state at this point operates an “all-inclusive” policy at all times – would accommodate those that are perhaps not so mobile as the more sprightly amongst us. What we must remember is that Robert Plant and Jimmy Page wrote that song in 1971, just before heaven underwent an extensive refurbishment and so weren’tweren’t aware of the plans to install some better ascension equipment. Though these plans were a little way-layed, I have consulted with The Almighty on this and can confi rmrm that,that, asas ofof SpringSpring 2003,2003, heavenheaven willwill bebe openingopening upup somesome newnew lifts (in the spacious, glassy post-modernist style) to help people move on into the next world. That’sThat’s all very well Sister Rosa, and I commend the LordLord for being so gracious, but was it not Maria McKee who sang “show me heaven”, suggesting that her experiences with the guided tours of eternal paradise werewere not quite up to scratch, and thereforetherefore prpresumablyesumably lacking of decent elevating facilities? Sister Rosa answers: I’ll agree that it was Maria McKee who made such a request, though it is worth noting that Jessica Andrews repeated that demand some years later in what I believe to be her somewhat inferior cover.cover. As for the appeal itself, heaven has long been applauded for its extensive information tours – it even won a prestigious Celestial AwarenessAwareness AwardAward just last year for the comprehensive sightseeing services it provides beating competition from such sources as the We’reWe’re Not That Mythological Greek God TToursours and Not Of This Universe David Icke Tradition. Out of interest,interest, do these tours transverse all of the half-pipe lay-out of heaven or just the troughtrough running down the middle? OPM did, after all, claim that “heaven is a half-pipe”. Sister Rosa answers: I don’tdon’t know how they got a hold of that information, but I can tell you that when Jesus found out about the revealing of heaven’s layout, he was none-too-happy.none-too-happy. All that hard work getting people to sign secrecy disclaimers for some bunch of rogue angels to spoil it all was really quite disappointing – it’s a sore point even now. The truth is that heaven is indeed a half-pipe, though skateboarding is not the only activity we allow: bmx-ing, snowboarding, ultimate frisbee, bungee jumping...you name it, we do it. The only thing we don’t allow is parachuting – there have been a couple of instances where people in planes have become a little scared by “apparitions” fl oating outside of their wing-side window. Causing “tears in heaven” presumably? Sister Rosa answers: that’s absolutely right. Though Eric Clapton was more than likely referring to actual angels, his hypothesis was actually correct. It goes without saying, of course, that the inhabitants of heaven don’t have much to cry about; in fact, taking into account the ‘eternal happiness’ clause of residency, things are pretty much as good as they can get for every citizen. Apart from the fact they’re dead. Sister Rosa answers: true. There is that, I suppose. 22 FOOD 12 September 2002

No frills, no grandiose recipes; just an attempt to get you interested and competent in cooking Monica Bites healthy, exciting and affordable meals. THIS WEEK: mince words | cullinary wizadry: monica cox Here it is, then - a cookery guide to keep BASIC MINCE RECIPE NEED: you going throughout the long semester Single portion basic mince recipe Chilli con Carne when the loan cheque dries up in about NEED: 1/2 teaspoon chilli powder week 8 and going out to eat is simply no 250g minced beef | 1 tablespoon oil 1/2 small tin (225g) red kidney beans-drained longer an option. 1 onion (peeled + chopped) STAGE 1: make basic mince recipe - adding chilli at Stage 2 It’s a simple affair and is designed 1 clove garlic(peeled + squashed) STAGE 2: put rice into pan of boiling water - takes 15 mins (see recipe below) not to be too elegant or diffi cult - just 1 tin tomatoes STAGE 3: add red kidney beans 5 minutes before ready. recipes straight up that pretty much 2 tablespoons tomato puree 45 minutes - 1 hour | serves 2 anyone can cook (hence no pictures...). 2 glasses red wine(1 4 U, 1 4 pot) To start, we have a basic recipe that 1 teaspoon oregano (or basil) will keep coming up: mince. (Veggies salt | pepper NEED: Use measuring jug RICE - just use veggie mince or that substitute 100mls water plus stock cube 5 fl .oz/150ml L.G.Rice stuff known as Quorn etc.). Conversion ACTION: 10 fl .oz water (boiling) [boiled to perfection] charts and required cooking utensils will Oil in pan on gentle heat. 1/2 tablespoon oil follow next week...fi rst of all, though, Onions+garlic in & fry for 5 mins. Pinch of salt a good cook needs a well stocked store Heat on high. Add minced beef, fry ACTION: Take 1 cupboard. for 10 mins - stirring. Add all other Oil into pan on low heat. Put rice in and stir for 1 minuteuntil nice and shiny. Get these items early on and they will ingredients in and cook until it bubbles Add boiling water and salt. When it bubbles, stir then put lid on and heat to very last the year. 45 minutes - 1 hour | serves 2 low. Simmer for 15 minutes EXACTLY. Water should be completely absorbed and Salt and pepper | Various Spices Too sloppy? Take lid off and cook for grains fi rm, but tender. Tip out into dish and fl uff up with fork Tins: (apart from lager!): another 5 to 10minutes until it reaches 15-20 minutes | serves 2 tomatoes | red kidney beans your desired thickness. sweetcorn | corned beef | tuna Too thick? Add small amounts of water NEED: 3 potatoes (Desiree are best) peeled, cut into 4 + rinsed. baked beans | pineapple rings at a time until right consistency - bring 25g (knob) butter peaches | soups back to boil. 3 tablespoons (splash) milk Dry Goods: longer it cooks = better the fl avour salt and pepper favourite cereals | porridge oats ACTION: plain fl our | cornfl our Good Thinking: Potatoes into pan and cover with cold water. Add salt. High heat bring to boil. Heat custard powder | baking powder Cook enough for 2 portions: save one to very low. Simmer gently for 15-20 minutes until they begin to fall apart. Drain off pasta - spaghetti and penne for later. To defrost with no microwave: most water. Add butter and splash of milk. Fluff up with fork until nice and creamy. ultanas | peanuts + almonds put bag into bowl of warm water for 20 Add more milk and pepper as required. rice - long grain | sugar - caster minutes. 15-20 minutes | serves 2

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freshly made pizzas, pastas, ice creams, des- serts, drinks and lots more minimum amount for delivery: £7.50 last order for delivery taken @ 11:30pm Any regular standard or BIG MEAL DEAL 2’S SPECIAL Pizzaman now open in Union House Any large Popular or Speciality 2 Regular Popular or Speciality speciality pizzas for only Pizza, 1 Garlic Bread, 1.5 Litre Pizzas, 1 Portion Potato Wedges next to the barefacts offi ce Bottle of Drink OR 1 Portion BBQ chicken wings £5.00 £11.99 £13.99 Sun and Tue- collection only collection or delivery collection or delivery

for our full menu listings and products visit our website Any large standard or LARGE DOUBLE DEAL REGULAR DOUBLE DEAL Buy any Large Pizza and get Buy any Regular Pizza and get speciality pizzas for only a second Large Pizza up to the a second Regular Pizza up to www.pizzamanonline.co.uk same value for only the same value for only £7.99 £6.00 £4.00 offers valid until 31.10.02, vouchers not to be used in conjunction with any other offers, side orders only delivered free Sun and Tue- collection only collection or delivery collection or delivery when purchased with a pizza, menu items subject to availability, prices may be subject to change without notice, 12 September 2002 SPORT 23 Welcome to UniSPORT OPTIMUM Well it’s been a Summer of Wimbledon, the World Cup, Commonwealth Games, European Championships and now its University of Surrey Sports, Exercise and Health & fi tness Dance for the re-motivated ‘YOU’ All clubs and many classes start from Monday 9th September. Clubs will have As most of you are aware, you have Sports Injury and Holistic alternative on your received their confi rmation of space allocation from the Union Sports Offi ce, and the doorstep at ‘Unisport’ Sports Hall on campus. Sports Timetable will give students an overview of the activities taking place in both We have two NEW treatments; ACUPUNCTURE and AURICULAR THERAMATHERAPY. University sites and for some clubs off campus. Please check the start dates for all classes and courses in the dance and exercise Acupuncture is used for a wide range of medical conditions including: muscular- leafl ets. All courses and some classes will start during FREE WEEK 30th September skeletal disorders, sciatica, tennis elbow, arthritis, frozen shoulder, sports injuries. – 6th October. Neurological disorders treated include migraine, headaches, stress, anxiety, insomnia, M.S., M.E and addictions. Other conditions treated include I.B.S, sinusitis, asthma, EW EMBERSHIP YSTEM N M S menstrual and reproductive problems, weight loss and many other things. It stimulates the nerves in the skin and muscle and can produce a variety of effects, one of which is Over the summer UniSPORT have installed a new entry system and now students and an increase in endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers. staff need to use their university card as their membership card. Also the Fitness Club Theses hormones also have a calming effect, which explains why acupuncture is so can only be entered by swiping your membership card so please remember to bring good at treating stress related illness. it with you. Due to the new system being installed there may be queues in the Sport Modern research shows that acupuncture can effect most of the body’s systems Centre reception so please be patient and allow extra time if you are going to a class – the nervous system, muscle tone, hormone outputs, circulation, antibody production or playing sport. and allergic responses as well as the respiratory, digestive, urinary and reproductive systems. The beauty of it is, if you do not wish the usage of needles, then you have the alternative of Electro-Acupuncture.

Auricular thermatherapy Hopi ear candle treatment is used to help conditions such as compacted ear wax, ear or sinus irritation, headache, migraine, sinusitis and glue ear. The therapy also includes gentle massage of the face and ear and refl exology of the ear which helps with the reduction of stress and stimulates the lymphatic and circulatory systems. The treatment takes 45mins, and a Hopi Candle is placed inside the ear – pain free, once lit, the heat works as an ‘vacuum’ and withdraws wax and waste products. Once the treatment has fi nished, the client feels relaxed, able to breath more easily, hearing FORTHCOMING EVENTS improved, and reduces headaches.

National Squash Week: 21st – 28th September @ the Varsity Centre SPORTS INJURY CLINIC Curry Night: 4th October @ the Varsity Centre Quiz Night: 7th October @ the Varsity Centre Here at ‘OPTIMUM’ we pride ourselves with our ‘Sports Therapy’. Not only do we Latino Evening: 11th October @ the Varsity Centre treat Sports Injuries acute and long term, but also specialise in ‘Back Problems’. National Squash League We have a large referral scheme with local GP Surgeries, Chiropractors and UniSPORT Guildford vs Lexden (National League Champions) Physiotherapists in Guildford. Many of these referrals suffer from ‘back problems’ 22nd October@ the Varsity Centre as do students and staff. This is mainly due to poor posture, long hours in front of Tango Workshop: 27th October on campus the PC, muscular tension/soreness, headaches/migraines and so on. Treatment is very often thought about too late. With applying manipulation/massage to the superfi cial For all the latest information on classes, courses, events and news visit our revamped and deep tissues, the conditions as mentioned above can be relieved within a few website: treatments. www.unisport.co.uk We offer reduced rates to all students and staff at Surrey University. Other treatments available include Refl exology | Indian Head Massage | Holistic Facials | Aromatic Massage

For all bookings and enquiries please contact the clinic on tel: [01483] 452028 or e- Students’ Union Redevelopment mail [email protected]. Otherwise keep an eye out for ‘OPTIMUM TIPS’ regularly in barefacts.

Many of you will notice that the Union building has undergone somewhat of a spectacular overhaul during the summer period. The new activities centre, which will simply be known as “The Students’ Union”, is the result of a £40,000 development and will be the heart from which all non-commercial Union activities will be run. A feature on the new centre will feature in next week’s edition of barefacts, along with details of the offi cial opening, which is planned for Friday 27th September. Until then, the activities centre will operate ‘as usual’ with computer terminals, photocopying facilities and, most importantly, sofas for all students to use. Please do drop by and have a look.

FRESHERS ANGELS: if you want to help out during freshers week and the moving-in day, pop into the Union and sign up for your £15. Alternatively, you could e-mail toni borneo via [email protected] 24 12 September 2002 SURREY PRIDE Absinthe-minded football tour to Prague a stormer

PRAGUE: CITY OF twenty-four hour By Dave ‘Jonah’ Jones drinking, destination for the 2002 USFC ‘Absinthe-minded tour’, and a bloody and company [allegedly] got him into all long coach journey from Guildford. sorts of trouble before midnight but to his Calais provided the opportunity to fi ll credit he drooled his way to dawn, while up on suitable liver training products, his fellow freshers fi lled the dance fl oor which allied with a selection of dodgy with spilt beer and boogie. About half of videos and Sid Waddell’s microphone the tour must have helped Jack through antics helped pass the time. In the the Metro as the throng fumbled their some might prefer to conveniently forget bourgeois meals, instead opting for the fi rst instalment of the tour’s ‘passport way back to the hotel, but fortunately Sid what they got up to, for fear of gaining a tequila challenge laid down by some debacle’, Old Man Lough had to fl y Waddell was on hand to commentate the reputation. For some this could apply to annoying American college kids. He to Frankfurt after missing the boat journey. several nights’ antics. But after all, what was soon dribbling down his shirt and (literally), where the tour bus caught Very few got up in time to see the goes on tour… made for an early bath, while the rest up with him. An overnight stop gave opening World Cup match, but those Swiftly changing the subject, lets turn of us made the most of the night, safe most of the Surrey boys a chance to who made the effort were rewarded to our exploits on the pitch. Clearly in the knowledge that the return journey recover from the journey and sample with a Senegal victory that set up suffering from the night before, our fi rst would provide ample recovery time. Jack some German cuisine, but Sid Waddell, alcoholic celebrations for we neutrals. two games resulted in a 0-0 stalemate secured his claim on the coveted ‘Dick Roland, Unhinged and Uber-Geek had An afternoon spent kicking a ball around followed by a 0-5 drubbing by the local of Tour’ by leaving his passport in a bag other ideas. The Frankfurt nocturnal the local park topped off the perfect Czech farmers. ‘If we’d played them at at the hotel, thus extending our border entertainments offered up in ‘Pig Alley’ summer’s day as anticipation grew for the Varsity it would have been a different crossing, while Roland came a close weren’t quite up to expectations but they our tournament exploits next morning. game’ observed the lads, ‘but at the second to ‘Man of Tour’ Toonie (Sid). provided plenty of comedy stories for the My memory of that night draws a blank, varsity we can’t drown our sorrows for Finally, I’d like to repeat our words next day’s coach journey. as I’m sure it does for many of us – but 26p a pint!’ Inspired by these thoughts, of thanks to the Stevenson Twins and I use the phrase loosely, but ‘before we triumphed 2-0 in our fi nal fi xture Mark Richards, who masterminded we knew it’ we had arrived in the city thanks to a delicate lob from Aged 10 the whole shebang and did a mighty of a hundred spires, settled into the 12th (Avery) and a cool round-the-keeper fi ne job. Rumours of their return to the fl oor of the hotel and decorated our fi nish from Uber Geek (Jonah), who had union tomorrow night are by no means balconies with patriotic St George’s deserted his centre back station. unfounded, I know I’ll be buying them fl ags. Looking down it became clear that The disappointment of the England v a round. any impersonations of the Absinthe Fairy Sweden result cast a shadow over our Footy Training has resumed - details on would end up very messy, but this didn’t fi nal day’s drinking but the Happy Hour the Notice Boards by USSU Reception. stop Jack throwing caution to the wind cocktail bar was an excellent antidote. Hope to see plenty of new and old faces on the fi rst night of Carnage á la Praha. ‘Co-Habit’ opted out of a fi nal night of there. First fi xture September 14th. Mr Zoot (ask Smithy for a translation) Man of tour Toonie (l); dick of tour Jack (r)

ON AUGUST BANK Holiday weekend, the well for the wooden spoon, having struggled to regain University Of Surrey Hockey Team prepared Austin Powers look-a-likes the sobriety that the Hockey club so often holds… for the annual descent to Barnstable on hockey (Hmmmm). M&M’s had won one of 5 matches; KFF tour. Though there were many whispers of “what descend on Barnstable lost 3 and drew one. With these results, several of the goes on tour, stays on tour” were heard, I am here to By Malibu (real name unknown) team members went off to celebrate the results, others provide you with a brief dialogue of what happened. to drown their sorrows. Whatever their motivation, preparation for our 10.30am start. During the evening, We were all told to meet at Chancellors at 12 for a 2 the entire team went off to get hideously drunk, and Duncan, the 2nd team captain, did not pay suitable start, this being the regular expectancy of Delay within in this (at least) they were successful with at least half respect to an old boy and hence felt it necessary to the team. All were meant to arrive in Austin Powers the team staying up all night playing three man, and the drink several pints of Snakey B within a couple of theme. Malibu arrived fi rst dressed as Mustafa, and others just dancing away in the disco….beer in hand. minutes. This unfortunately backfi red on Malibu, sat in HRB with Chancellors being closed, wearing a The results continued in an alarmingly consistent who was sharing a tent with this poor fresher, and was rather fetching fez. Before long he was joined by Miles manner until the Sunday, whence some of the team forced to look after the boy whilst being “rather ill.” (1st team captain) with a rather seductive (depending actually refrained from alcohol, feeling that some had The Saturday saw the beginning of the actual hockey on your inclination) side parting: obviously he was had too much. When the results were announced, both being played…please note that the term hockey here Number 2. Then we found our fi rst victim, Pob arriving teams were bitterly disappointed to have missed the is used in the loosest terminology possible, with most on time but decidedly not in tour costume. “I didn’t wooden spoon competition by one place. The end of of the team being drunk, and Malibu being injured, want to look silly walking through town,” he said. He the tour drew close, and the team decided to actually (which, incidentally, earned him the ‘Dick of the Day was suitably fi ned, and forced to dress in a tux at least visit the town centre, rather than just McDonalds, which shirt’ with the fi tting tribute “Fat B*stard” on it. At 4 sizes too large for him, dressed as Random Task, had seen many a hockey player that weekend. It was the end of the fi rst day, both teams (Malibu And the though disappointingly (though probably more safely) decided in a local Spoons to vote for ‘Dick Of Tour’ and Mixers and the Kwik Fit Fitters) were contending without spare shoes. One by one the full band arrived, ‘Man of Tour’. Malibu got the DOT, as he is and will and we made our way to the minibus, and the games probably remain, and “if in doubt”, Sledge, Miles and began, with Special being voted in as acting chairman. Duncan for M.O.T. After a “short” 4-hour journey, we arrived at our location, Deciding to fi nish with a drink-off, Miles polished off suitable ruined and then set about trying to set up our tents his pint as usual within 3 seconds, Mabs 4 seconds, for the rest of the weekend. I will simply say we struggled. and Sledge and Duncan both fi nished easily the better Then it was time for the fi rst evening’s entertainment… side of 10 seconds. All in a great weekend was had by meaning we found the bar and drank until at least 3 all and made us remember why the hockey team go to in the morning. This was without a doubt the best Barnstable year in and year out.