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Bride of Portable Hole: the Book of Neurotic Fantasy

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Bride of Portable Hole: the Book of Neurotic Fantasy BrideBride ofof PorPortabletable HoleHole TThhee BBooookk ooff NNeeuurroottiicc FFaannttaassyy ChainmailChainmail Bikinis!Bikinis! PrestigelessPrestigeless Classes!Classes! WeaPuns!WeaPuns! BeaverBeaver hunting!hunting! and the return of the Flumphinomicon,Flumphinomicon, Poodlemancy,Poodlemancy, BEER,BEER, Orcs,Orcs, andand PIE!PIE! this page intentionally left blank TheThe BookBook ofof NeuroticNeurotic FantasyFantasy CREDITS TABLE OF CONTENTS Written by M Jason Parent & Denise Robinson with d200 Result Chad Barr, Arthur Borko, Leonard “Half-Mad” Briden, Cameron “Fitz” Burns, Matt B Carter, Mike Chapin, Michael 00 Cover Dallaire, Mike “Ralts” Downs, Danny S Dyche, Horacio 01 Credits & Table of Contents Gonzales, Gareth Hanrahan, Brannon Hollingsworth, Neal 02-003 Introductions Levin, Peter Lustig, Joe Mucchiello, Shawn “Zanatose” 04-005 Eric and the Dread Gazebo Muder, Ryan Nock, Hong Ooi, M Jason Parent, Darren 06-442 Prestigeless Classes Pearce, Stefan Pietraszak, Charles Plemons III, Johnathan M. 44-552 Feats Richards, Chris Richardson, Chrystine Robinson, Geneviève 54-778 Encounters Robinson, W. Shade, John Henry Stam, Samuel Terry, Beau 54-60 Return to the Orc & the Pastry Yarbrough, Zjelani 61-66 Revenge of the Orc & the Pastry 67-68 Lost Penguin Colony 69-71 Himover, Poodlemancer 72-75 Elemental Plane of Candy Illustrations by 76-77 Deus Ex Machina Tony ìSquidheadî Monorchio 78-1101 Monsters 78-85 Flumphonomicon with 86-94 Monsters of the Metagame Matthew Cuenca, Johnathan Fuller, J.L.Jones, Kayvan Koie, 95-101 Templates Frank Krug, Jolyon Minns, Todd Morasch, Danilo Moretti, 102-1116 Equipment & Alchemy Juan Navarro, Nica, M Jason Parent, Gillian Pearce, 102-104 Sporting & Culinary Goods Shop Benjamin D. Richards, aka s/LaSH, Chrystine Robinson, 105-108 ENArmoury: Chainmail Bikini Geneviève Robinson, Keith Romero, Sialia, Samuel Terry, Jim 109 Bed, Body & Boudoir Zubkavich 110-111 Better Living Through Chemistry 112-113 Devious Drinks 115-116 Drinking Games 116 Portable Hole Full of Beer? Cartography by 117-1123 Reviews & Previews M Jason Parent 117 Reality Check 118-120 Romance & Relationships 121-122 Academically Speaking 123 Bestiary of Oozes Cover by 124-1125 Pick-UUp Lines for Horny Gamers Frank Krug 126-1138 Spells 126-136 I Be Magik! (www.frankkrug.net) 137-140 Dylarth Birdhouse 141-1171 Magic Items 141-155 Portable Hole Full of Magics 156-163 More Magic WeaPuns Layout & Art Direction by 163-165 The Half-Mad Magic Shoppe Denise Robinson 166 Leo’s Tiny Chariot 167-169 Magics of Love & Romance 170-171 Migical Vestments of the Loins 172-1175 Beaver Hunt Big Thanks to 176-1190 Roll Again Peter Adkison, The Annual Gen Con RPG Awards (the 191-1195 Roll Again Twice ENnies), Arthur Borko, the Brood, Monte Cook, Ryan 196-2200 GM’s Choice Dancey, Dark Quest Games, Dragonclaw Games, ENWorld, Fantasy Flight Games, Horade Publications, Natural 20 Press, Ryan Nock, Throwing Dice Games, Anthony Valtera, Wizards of the Coast 1 E.N. Publishing BBrriiddee ooff PPoorrttaabbllee HHoollee Introduction to Introduction to BRIDE OF PORTABLE HOLE SON OF A PORTABLE HOLE Goodness! It’s 2005, and here we are again, plugging This was where the introduction to this book was away at all hours to get out the latest “Portable Hole”. supposed to be. It was going to be an insightful explo- Somehow 2004 just got away from us, but we’re back ration of the importance and symbolism of our obses- with a vengeance. Maybe that should’ve been the title. sion with portable holes, beer, orcs and pastry. But due When I first heard speak of the controversial “Book of to a massive computer crash on March 28th and the Erotic Fantasy”, I thought it was Neurotic Fantasy, loss of many files and hours of work, that's all gone. and I knew I had to use it as a product title. We col- Hours of profanity, blood, sweat and tears later, we lected submissions along the theme from the good managed to rescue most of the work we did, but not all folks at EN World, and they collected electronic dust, of it. The rest will appear over the course of the spring but are finally released herein! as webhancements. In this issue, we’ve got more feats, spells, magic All that work. Gone. So why didn't we just say items, monsters, encounters and horrible jokes. We’ve screw it and just cancel the project? Especially since even got a card game to tickle your fancy. At the same it's not a paying piece. Granted last year's Portable time, we’ve compiled the works from the original Hole Full of Beer made us into an Award-Winning Portable Hole Full of Beer (Ambient Inc., 2002) and Company (the capital letters are important), but the Son of a Portable Hole (E.N. Publishing, 2003) into real reason is probably the same reason we got so many this massive tome. Heck, I’ve even tried my hand at enthusiastic and talented contributions: for the love of updating them to 3.5 Edition rules. Unfortunately, I’m the game. And because it was fun. not that great with gay... sorry, game mechanics, so This is the feared and awaited sequel to the ENnie the occasional mention of Intuit Direction skill might /GenCon Award-winning Portable Hole Full of Beer slip in once in awhile. Forgive me. (this product contains no alcohol). This book is the As Portable Holes go, this one gets pretty racy at culmination of a year of positive reaction from the times. Some of the humour in here is pretty sopho- community regarding the original award-winning moric- we’ve got references to sex, drugs, and flatu- April 1st release. Within these pages are the works of lence. Heck, I even authorized a sexist cover and art- many community members, both graphically and in work for the Chainmail Bikini, and the return of the the material presented. Girls of Gar’Udok Pinup Calendar. It’s all good fun. I would like to take this small piece of electronic If these topics tend to offend you, then I suggest you space to thank everyone who voted in the GenCon move on and stop reading right here. /ENnie awards last year, and everyone who insisted But if you’ve got a well-developed sense of humour, on feeding me a portable hole worth of beer at the par- I think you’ll appreciate this. This book goes out to all ties afterwards! Also a million thanks go out to Denise the fans of the old Dragon magazines April issues, and for cracking the whip to make this and the previous those gamers out there who still like a good laugh. portable hole release a reality, as it always seems that A special thank you goes to the writers and authors my health and timing get in the way. If the current who have donated their work to make this product trend continues, I’ll be typing in the next Portable what it is. Thanks to my own personal cheerleading Hole installment (Bride of a Portable Hole) from a section, my friends on LiveJournal, espcially Maldur! hospital bed in intensive care. Mostly, though, to the Gelflings who have gone with- Additional thanks must go out to the publishers out gaming for two weeks while we worked on the who have helped us in our quest for hilarity - includ- book, and my partner, Hound, who tried so valiantly ing Anthony Valtera at Wizards of the Coast for kind to write more, but got too caught up in keeping his 4.0 permission to use the Flumph and College Life and GPA to be more involved in this year’s production. I Greg Benage at Fantasy Flight Games for permission hope this lives up to his standards. to use Romance and Relationships. Denise Robinson M Jason Parent April 1, 2005 April 1, 2003 E.N. Publishing 2 TheThe BookBook ofof NeuroticNeurotic FantasyFantasy Introduction to Portable Hole Full PORTABLE HOLE FULL OF BEER of Beer (this prod- uct contains no alcohol) One night, siting in the crane at work, designing Ambient Inc. 2002 Prestige Classes for Librum Equitis volumes 1 & 2, I got burned out working on a series of Yuan-Ti Cover Illustration by crossbreed spy and assassin prestige classes. I closed Tony Monorchio my notebook and started to drift when a whole new series of prestige classes (or as I called them at the time, Prestigeless Classes) struck me. Of course, including the Reefer Madman or Field Chef in one of the Librum Equitis series would be pretty out to lunch, and on top of that the material quickly expanded into too large of a selection to be included as a web-enhancement for Librum Equitis volume 1. Son of a Portable So... next thing we know, a Portable Hole Full of Hole Full of Beer E.N. Publishing, Beer (this product contains no alcohol) was been 2003 born, our mishappen love child. This book is silly. It’s not all laughs and chuckles Cover Illustration by silly, but it’s definitely not serious enough for a Richard Pace “normal” sourcebook. Some of the material is not 100% suited to all readers, as there are references to drugs and drug use and, even worse, beat poetry! If something like that offends you, just remember that we labelled the product as being for mature audi- ences, close your browser and delete this file. Once again, this book is silly. We don’t expect much of this material to actually be used in a “nor- mal” campaign (although I’m sure one of our old gamers would want to make the Prestige Classes in here into core classes in his game), although certain- Bride of Portable ly some elements could be carried over.
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