'We're Not Alone in This'

‘WE’RE NOT ALONE IN THIS’ Amid pandemic, nurse helps grieving families cherish memories in Iowa maternity ward

McKenzie Harreld knew the moment she most feared would come. But she didn’t know how deeply the actions of a kind nurse would rever- berate in her life.

Courtney Crowder, Des Moines Register alvin Blake Har- reld’s short staccato wails — more alarm Cclock than classic baby cry — bounce off the walls, echoing through the delivery room. They were earsplitting evidence that the steroids meant to ensure he’d be strong enough to make his earthly debut at 37 weeks had worked, and worked well, mom McKenzie Har- reld says. Nurse Kelsey Short- ley places the newborn on McKenzie’s chest, and little Calvin promptly pees all over himself and his mother. She and dad, Clayton, laugh. Their baby is OK, all systems working. If these young parents’ Clayton and McKenzie Harreld hold their four-month-old son, Calvin, at their home in Slater on Feb. 17. adoration had a sound, its for,” McKenzie says. “I She knew this moment noise would rival Calvin’s just wanted that happi- would come, the tragic caterwauling, reverberating ness.” foil to her new joy. She well beyond their suite’s Ten short minutes lat- knew she couldn’t put it walls. er, her contractions start off any further. “It was a love I’ve nev- anew. The doctor looks at Planners all their lives, er felt before, and it was McKenzie: Ready to push the Harrelds like to have a that overwhelming joy again? blueprint, to know exactly that we’d been praying She nods her head yes. how everything is going to happen, in what order, and to sort out all their emotions beforehand. For weeks, they worked through the logistics of this scene, checked their feelings and tried to gauge their reactions. But then came the silence. At home, Cherish Shu- ka’s phone rings. A nurse at Mary Greeley Medical Center and a photogra- pher, she’s off work, but anticipated this call. She had offered to take -snap shots of the family of four in the few fleeting hours they’d number as such. She grabs her camera and sets off into the night. The coronavirus pan- Clayton and McKenzie Harreld hold their four-month-old son, Calvin, at their home in Slater on Feb. 17. demic has interrupted an untold number of plans, forcing even the most ar- dent of life architects to face an uncertain future and reckon with a vari- able reality. In hospitals across America, emer- gency plans become best laid plans when surges hit. Doctors create procedures but break them when the difference is life and death. A new need arises; someone steps up. And a couple of young parents in a maternity ward have decided they want to remember what they knew would come but couldn’t really prepare for, and a nurse decides to help them. Birthways nurse Cherish Shuka had never been in the room for a stillborn delivery, but agreed when asked to offer Click. Click. Click. grieving families stillbirth photography. The shutter of Cher- ish’s camera is just audi- of such loss, McKenzie drove to her first OB - ap enzie had seen herself as ble over the room’s din. and Cherish know what pointment. Twelve weeks a mom, imagining cheer- Each click captures the they’ve been called to do along, the ripple effects of ing at her kids’ games and crossroads that would — to break the silence. COVID-19 closures had tournaments just like her empower and bond two pushed her initial eight- parents had. women, one in front of the WHEN EVERYTHING week meeting back a Both from farm fami- lens and one behind it. CHANGED — BOTH month. lies in small central Iowa While most of us are TIMES She and Clayton, both towns, both athletic, just starting to weigh 26, always wanted chil- McKenzie and Clayton how we’ve been changed A mix of elation and dren, at least two, but met as freshman members by the past year and con- adrenaline flowed through probably three, she says. of the Briar Cliff Univer- sider how to make sense McKenzie’s veins as she For her whole life, McK- sity basketball teams and McKenzie Harreld shows off her baby bump on July 18, when she was about 22 weeks along. | The box McKenzie and Clayton Harreld used to reveal their pregnancy to her family, who are all big doughnut fans.

almost mechanical pump- “It was a love I’ve never ing was proof they really felt before, and it was were pregnant, that her that overwhelming joy imagined life was coming that we’d been praying closer to reality. for. I just wanted that COVID-19 wasn’t a happiness.” huge concern, her doc- McKenzie Harreld tors said. The disease was new, but there wasn’t compelling evidence that quickly paired off, each the virus would affect her one falling in love with pregnancy. Do what ev- the other’s kindness. They eryone else is doing, they got engaged on Easter in said. Mask up. Wash your 2016, made their home hands. in Slater about a year lat- About two months later and tied the knot on a er, McKenzie lay on an summer afternoon. exam table, Clayton sitting After trying for a cou- by her side, as a sonogra- ple of months, two lines pher wielded the wand appeared on McKenzie’s for their first ultrasound. McKenzie Harreld holds a sonogram of her twins in their nursery. pregnancy test in March Rorschach-esque blobs — just as a new virus be- moved across the screen. “This is your first ultra- their faces, but the cou- gan seeping into Iowa. The couple watched duti- sound, isn’t it?” she asks. ple’s eyes were as big and The technician found fully, unsure of what they Uh-huh, they say. bright as flash bulbs. Con- the baby’s heartbeat easi- were seeing. “Well, you’re having sidering McKenzie wasn’t ly, and McKenzie breathed The technician seems twins.” gaining extra weight and a sigh of relief. That fast, surprised. Masks covered half technicians always found a heartbeat quickly, no Harrelds’ reimagined life one ever thought to look collapsed. around for a second, doc- “You can’t put into tors told them. words when you get the They were going to news that you’re pregnant, have a boy and a girl — just all the excitement the American dream. you feel. But it’s double, By then, nearly half- triple that when you get way through the preg- the news the other way,” nancy, the Harrelds had Clayton says. prepared for their life as “It was just everything parents, planned a nursery changed, in the worst way and started buying essen- imaginable.” tials. But then the second News of twins felt like shoe: The babies were far starting over, McKenzie Birthways nurse Cherish Shuka prepares to give a newborn a bath at Mary enough along that both of says. Now, they needed a Greeley Medical Center on Feb. 17. them — Calvin and his new plan: two cribs, two sister, Blakely — would chairs, two mobiles. This need to be delivered. new reality took awhile to sink in, but soon McK- AT THE BEDSIDE, enzie and Clayton “could THROUGH A VIEW- visualize the two of them FINDER running around together,” she says. Cherish always under- The babies lay head to stood that her work as a feet, like a fetal yin and labor and delivery nurse yang. Her feet were low would come with heart- on McKenzie’s stomach break. Even in the hos- and his feet were high, pital’s most joyous unit, so they could always tell she knew not every story who was kicking when. would have a happy end- At night, Clayton read ing. McKenzie Harreld looks at her daughter Blakely’s footprint, which she the twins “Time for Bed,” keeps with other mementos in a handcrafted box her dad made. An extrovert and an a picture book McKenzie empath, she’s naturally memorized as a child long bubbly, with a spirit so before she ever learned to she says. They went in for an- vibrant and energetic it’s read. On weekends, they “I was really dehy- other appointment at 32 contagious. But speculat- redesigned their nursery: drated, and I didn’t have weeks, just over a month ing how she would feel two cribs, two chairs, two an appetite, but I knew from when they’d give about a fetal death, plan- mobiles. I needed to stay healthy, birth. The technician mea- ning how she would com- A routine formed. so I’d wake myself up sured the baby boy and fort those patients, was In early September, and eat and wake myself listened to his heart. All “terrifying,” she says. they went to a family up and drink fluids,” she good. A Level Two hospi- gathering, seeing a rela- says. Then, the girl. The so- tal, Mary Greeley doesn’t tive who later tested pos- She called her doc- nographer furrowed her see many high-risk births. itive. They took tests to be tors, but they held steady. brow, moving the ultra- A nurse for nearly two safe and got their results years, Cherish had been simultaneously. “It was just everything changed, in the on shift when a stillborn Him, negative. Her, worst way imaginable.” was delivered, but not in positive. Clayton Harreld the room. Waiting and She thought back to wondering when she was what the doctors said: There was no reason to sound wand around and going to be at a patient’s No compelling evidence. worry unless she started around. She turned off the bedside for a complication At first, she didn’t have cramping or bleeding. monitor and turned to- was like constantly fear- symptoms, but then a fe- So the couple kept read- ward the couple. ing a bogeyman around ver struck and she lost her ing, kept counting kicks. “I’m sorry,” she said. the next corner. sense of smell. She was And the twins seemed co- “There’s no heartbeat.” “If I can’t wrap my already pretty tired, but pacetic as McKenzie re- No heartbeat. Two head around it,” she says, the virus knocked her out, gained her strength. words, one breath, and the “how am I supposed to be hauled in her camera bag for a co-worker’s delivery. But there had also been a death that night, a 17-week-old baby, in a room down the hall. “I just was like, OK, here we go,” she says.

FOR A FEW FLEET- ING HOURS, A FAMI- LY OF 4 After a few push- es, McKenzie delivers Blakely still in her amni- otic sack. Nurses quickly shuttle the little one away, cleaning her up and hand- ing her back to the couple, wrapped in a tiny pink blanket. Having passed in utero McKenzie Harreld looks at photos taken by nurse Cherish Shuka of herself, her husband, Clayton, and their a month before, Blake- newborn twins, Calvin and Blakely, who was stillborn. ly didn’t look like they’d hoped, not like her broth- er. “It’s that reminder Unfazed by the deliv- that, oh, yeah, it’s not ery room’s chaos, Calvin just a happy time. It’s sleeps soundly in Clay- ton’s arms, his little chest a sad time, too.” rising and falling. For McKenzie Harreld weeks, McKenzie had lived in fear that she’d there for the patient?” lose Calvin, too. If she Cherish, 23, wanted didn’t see him moving, to be a nurse as far back didn’t feel his kicks, her as she can remember, a mind ran wild with what choice spurred by a long ifs. line of medical workers “Seeing him in the in her family. But grow- flesh and actually being ing up in Hawaii, majestic Clayton Harreld says Cherish Shuka did a really good job capturing the able to hold him, you landscapes and skies often good memories of their twins’ birth and what the Harrelds want to remember looked at him and it was painted in technicolor also about their daughter, Blakely. complete joy,” McKenzie helped nurture a passion says. “And then you turn for photography. ic hit and the hospital After a few of those and see her, and it’s that At Northwestern Col- stopped allowing most shoots, the unit’s bereave- reminder that, oh, yeah, lege in Orange City, she outside visitors, Mary ment nurse asked Cherish it’s not just a happy time. shot roommate photos for Greeley canceled its new- what she thought about It’s a sad time, too.” girls in her dorm. Those born photography service photographing stillborn Doctors told the cou- soon led to engagement — not a big deal for par- babies. Those parents ple that COVID-19 didn’t shoots, which led natural- ents who leave the hospi- don’t get to leave with contribute to Blakely’s ly to wedding photogra- tal with their baby. their baby, the nurse said. death, instead pointing to phy. Knowing Cherish’s Those parents have just a placenta or umbilical Before COVID-19, she work behind the camera, a one shot to commemorate cord issue. Research into saw her day job and her few pregnant co-workers their child. COVID-19 in pregnant side gig as separate — one asked her to take photos Absolutely, Cherish re- women is in its nascent a vocation and the other of their deliveries. Sure, plied. stages, but a recent British an avocation. she said, dutifully toting On a busy evening a study shows no connec- But when the pandem- her gear to work. few weeks later, Cherish tion between stillbirth and McKenzie Harreld says the photos of her twins’ birth taken by nurse Cherish Shuka offer physical proof that her daughter, Blakely, existed. the virus. “There’s a lot of shame behind (pregnancy loss), for Bed” and starts to read. Behind the lens, Cher- “It’s time for bed, little ish keeps her emotions at and I’m not sure why. But it’s nothing to be mouse, little mouse. Dark- ashamed of.” bay by clearing her mind, McKenzie Harreld ness is falling all over the focusing intently on the house,” he reads. task at hand — what’s They’d had a few hours next, what’s after that, and her hands and her feet on ories of when they were with their baby girl, more after that. the special blanket McK- four to be there, waiting in than women who have She moves about the enzie’s grandmother knit- their inbox. miscarriages, McKenzie room quietly as the couple ted. The young parents Blasting worship mu- says. But now she has to holds the babies, grief and hold Calvin, oohing and sic on her drive home, put her daughter down and happiness in equal mea- aahing over him. Cherish cries and prays. never pick her up again. sure. She doesn’t like to “You could hear her in She’s still figuring out “It’s time for bed, little overwhelm parents with there working, like, ‘Oh, how to find peace after goose, little goose. The exact poses, just catch the these are really good,’ these shoots. stars are out and on the natural, unvarnished emo- ‘Oh, this is cute. I like She texted one of her loose.” tion of the moment. this,’” Clayton says. “It co-workers: How the heck They call in the nurse. Click. Click. Click. was just nice to know that, do you handle this? How They’re ready to let her Clayton perches on the OK, they’re getting some do you go to work the next go, they say. bed next to McKenzie; he good pictures.” day and deliver a happy, It’s time for bed, little holds Calvin, and McKen- Click. Click. Click. healthy baby? cat, little cat. So snuggle zie has Blakely. McKen- Cherish wraps up and in tight, that’s right, like zie leans her head against leaves, hoping to edit and BEING THERE FOR that. Clayton, eyes closed, smil- send the images before the THE RAW, THE “You almost had to say ing. Harrelds are discharged. REAL, THE HURT goodbye twice,” McKen- Click. Click. Click. They’d leave the hospital zie says. “You had to say Cherish lays Blakely in as a family of three, but After a few devotions, goodbye when we found her bassinet for close-ups, Cherish wanted the mem- Clayton pulls out “Time out that we lost her. And then you had to say good- a nurse gave her before bye to her physical body a discharge. month later. And we know “From one angel mom- it’s not ‘goodbye.’ It’s ‘see my to another, may these you later.’ But it doesn’t petals bring you peace,” make it any easier.” reads the accompanying When McKenzie said card, signed with peace goodbye the first time, and love by “Eva’s Mom- there were just a few days my,” another mother of a before calendars turned to stillborn child. October. Unexpectedly, The Harrelds put off her social media started looking at Cherish’s pho- surfacing stories of wom- tos, fearing the memories en who lost their babies, they’d bring back. Friday stories of people surviving after Friday they’d plan to and moving forward after look that weekend. Then, the unthinkable. Sitting Sunday after Sunday on her couch, one hand they’d back out. I’m not on her belly, McKenzie having a great day. I’m sopped up every word. not ready. Not tonight. October, it turns out, is But by February, the pregnancy and infant loss behind (pregnancy loss), through and know they time had come. With noth- awareness month. and I’m not sure why,” she survived. Maybe a little ing on their schedule and “That month was real- says. “But it’s nothing to broken, maybe a little bat- Calvin asleep, the pair sat ly hard for me, because I be ashamed of. You don’t tered, but here. down on their couch and was trying to go through have to keep it a secret She can’t save wom- pulled out the photos. Her all those emotions,” McK- because you’re scared of en from the hurt of losing hands, her feet, the special enzie says. “And it was re- what people might think.” their babies, but she can blanket. ally helpful hearing other Cherish shot a few give them a way to re- Physical proof, McK- people’s stories and see- more stillborn babies in claim the hurt. enzie says, that her baby ing all that stuff, because addition to the Harrelds’ “Walking through the existed. it helped me know I’m not and was the bedside nurse hard times and getting, “She did a really good alone. We’re not alone in for one of those parents, not past it, but grow- job of capturing the things this.” helping them along their ing through it together,” that we want to remember “It might feel like this delivery journey as well Cherish says. “Just being about Blakely,” Clayton is the first time this has as taking photos. there in the raw, the real, says. “And keeping the happened to anybody, but “Every single story is the hurt, the screaming, good memories there and it’s not.” very hard,” she says. “Ev- the crying, the grief, like not some stuff that was Talking about Blake- ery single time it happens being in that completely hard to see.” ly is a salve for the pain is a dreadful thing.” present, and completely The photos surfaced they know they’ll feel for- “But it’s something raw and real with people other memories, too: the ever. And in opening up, that I feel like is a way to is huge. I think we need joy of Calvin’s birth — they’ve had more people give back to those wom- more of that.” those alarm clock shrieks than they ever would have en,” she adds, “and to — their flashbulb eyes at imagined share their own just come alongside them AN ABIDING COM- the news of twins. story of loss. through every step of MITMENT: BREAK- You go back to those In mutual despair, they the process, being there ING THE SILENCE moments where every- have found mutual heal- during that labor, during thing seems normal, Clay- ing. that time with their baby McKenzie’s dad craft- ton says. But now, here, A young mother hoping and capturing those mo- ed the couple a wooden with these photos, they to grow in her accounting ments so that they can music box to hold Blake- could marinate in the du- career, McKenzie hasn’t have those forever.” ly’s mementos and, for ality of their experience: figured out exactly how Behind the lens, Cher- now, her ashes. Inside, pain and relief, joy and she wants to create a space ish faced her bogeyman. McKenzie keeps the sadness, remembering and for women to be open As a documentarian, nameplate that hung on moving forward. with their stories. Publicly she experienced the heart- her bassinet, her booties, Four-month-old Calvin sharing her own, stepping break she feared while a packet of forget-me-not Blake is just starting to de- in front of the lens, is sort also finding a way to let seeds, and a few locks of velop his personality. He of the first step, she says. patients look at the hard- her hair. Nestled among recognizes Clayton and “There’s a lot of shame est thing they’ve gone the keepsakes is a pendant McKenzie now, smiles when they walk into the alongside him? scale blueprints any- room. Recently he start- For a while, it was more, but to take life day ed saying “goo.” Once he both. But as time goes on, by day. gets going, Clayton says, their first feeling is joy. When the snow melts, you’ll hear him talking for “I remember finding McKenzie wants to cre- a good 15 minutes. out (we lost her) and ate a little outdoor space And he has this smug thinking like, ‘How are dedicated to her daugh- Courtney Crowder is the Register’s face they each think is we going to get through ter. She’ll plant the for- Iowa Columnist and the editor of Iowa hilarious; not happy, not this? How are we going get-me-nots around a Mourns, the Register’s collection of obituaries written to honor Iowans who sad, just chill. to do this?’” McKenzie memory stone her mom have died from COVID-19. Reach her When they first got says. “There’s not an an- inscribed with Blakely’s at [email protected] or 515-284- 8360. Follow her on Twitter @court- home, Clayton and McK- swer for that. You just name and hang a special neycare. enzie feared his mile- figure it out.” wind chime Clayton’s Zach Boyden-Holmes is a photog- rapher for the Register. Follow him on stones. Would they be able Grief isn’t like a play parents bought them. Twitter @Boydenphoto. to be happy for him? Or unfolding over set acts, With every gust will Reprinted from the March 1st, 2021 issue of would their first thought they understand, so they come a chorus of ting, The Des Moines Sunday Register with permission be sadness, knowing she take it as it comes. They ting, tings, she hopes, each from The Enveritas Group. was supposed to be right try not to make large- one breaking the silence. https://www.enveritasgroup.com