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My Life As a Goth of Colour

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My Life As a Goth of Colour BEAUTY MY LIFE AS A GOTH OF COLOUR Beauty director Anita Bhagwandas is part of a subculture that revels in paleness – she recounts her emotional journal of self-acceptance PHOTOGRAPHY: REPUBLIC OF PHOTOGRAPHY p until fairly recently my in a £1 black pencil eyeliner and wear my The outsider Twitter bio read ‘brown mother’s blackberry-coloured Bourjois If I’d felt like a sub-par goth at home in goth’. Not hugely lipstick (whenever she wasn’t looking). But Newport, university in Cardiff challenged my professional, I know. But my dark skin almost seemed to absorb the U identity to my darkest core. At the freshers’ incredibly telling. Those smudgy black rings around my eyes, so fair, I signed up to GRIMsoc (Goth Rock two social constructs of I started wearing foundation that was Industrial Metal society) and met amazing- race and subculture two shades lighter in an attempt to looking cyber-goths and goth punks were how I’d always chosen to define create a contrast. In reality, I just looked through to trad goths and elegant gothic myself to the outside world; less of a bold like a greying corpse, in a way that would Lolitas. But the one thing they all had in statement but more of an explanation – make even Dracula recoil. common was their paleness. My immediate ‘This is why I like coffins and am obsessed Over the years, I spent countless hours instinct, despite being resplendent in 30inch with Halloween, but why I’m not blindingly staring at the pictures of my porcelain wide-legged black jeans and a plethora of pale.’ Because the goth scene, to most, heroes (everyone from Tairrie B from My skull-shaped adornments, was that I wasn’t evokes images of ghostly pale skin and Ruin to Jessicka from Jack Off Jill) on my goth enough to join these beautiful long dark hair; think Morticia Addams, bedroom wall, trying to recreate their goth creatures. But I did – and had a bat-covered Winona Ryder in Beetlejuice or Siouxsie membership card to prove it. Yet I still felt Sioux – widely seen as goth’s original THE ORIGINAL PALE like my ‘look’ was letting me down. ICON: SIOUXSIE SIOUX poster-girl after the term was coined in the Ultimately, it was a trip to see Nine Inch Eighties as an off-shoot of punk. And it’s Nails play at The Astoria in 2005 that those heavily kohl’d eyes, angst-ridden kick-started my self-acceptance as blanched pallor and blood red lips that still a dark-skinned goth. In the smoke-filled sets the dominant gothic aesthetic to this crowd I saw a tall Asian girl with metallic day – an aesthetic that, it turns out, is silver eyeshadow, black contouring laborious to recreate on dark skin. To underneath her cheekbones (it worked on say the very least. her!), forest-green lipstick and dread falls I’d spent most of my life being an (clip-in dreaded extensions) in bright outsider, truthfully. I’d always had this colours. Her skin was even darker than uneasy feeling of ‘otherness’ that’s hard to mine – yet her make-up was unmissable. contextualise at any age – let alone as a She stood out in a mesmerising, goddess- child. I was one of the few non-white kids in like way and I stared at her, rather than aesthetic. But there was always something my school, I was a bit chubby (me and singer Trent Reznor, for most of the show. off. Black lipstick looked a bit nothing, while puddings go way back) and I was quite I’d spent years thinking that goth had jet black eyeliner made me look more introverted. I muddled along, not really to mean dark and gloomy, but from then questioning why my experiences of ‘traditionally’ Indian, as if I was channelling on I experimented daily with new ways to everything around me felt so jarring, but as the kohl-rimmed eyes you’d see in express myself. Yet even though I spent all I hit my early teens, I finally found an outlet Bollywood films (which I loathed – far of the money from my part-time job on the for my malcontent – music. I came to adore too much joy). I wanted to choose my boldest shades I could find in Boots and indie goth bands like Manic Street own identity, rather than have it dictated Superdrug, most of it failed to show up – Preachers, Mansun and Placebo who to me by society or my heritage. even a bold cobalt in the packaging looked dominated the Nineties and, like them, soon In a fit of deviancy, I shaved off my like a greyish-shade on my skin. I thought my wardrobe solely consisted of black eyebrows and drew them back in super thin I just had to keep re-applying it – but that velvet, lace and band T-shirts on rotation. – as was (and still is) part of the goth look. didn’t work either. I now know the Trying to copy my idols’ make-up was But nothing I did to be part of my chosen pigments weren’t created with dark a different story though. I’d ring my eyes subculture felt like it was quite enough. skins in mind. At one stage I hunted BEAUTY down stage make-up, but after all of compliments from strangers. And while black 10 minutes the oil-based formulas nail polish didn’t have the dramatic signalling oxidised, looking brown-ish and dull. of ‘goth’ against my skintone, the bright But the fire had been lit. Determined, white polish I spied on another girl at an I stalked every beauty counter and ignoring Avenged Sevenfold gig did. The key, I finally the fact that I couldn’t afford it, stopped at realised, wasn’t paleness, but contrast. It the new Nars stand. Picking the brightest didn’t make sense that I’d consciously shades I could – an eyeshadow duo called rejected the confines of society’s beauty Mad Mad World in a vivid blue and green – norms, just to pander to another set. I could I swiped it on my hand and the colour was make ‘goth’ anything I wanted it to be. seriously bright. I eagerly handed over my cash and skipped away (with a giddiness A happy goth? goths probably shouldn’t have). I’d realised Ten years on, so much has changed for that if I wanted make-up to show up on me, goths of colour. There’s a YouTube tutorial I needed really good, strong pigments. Back for every skintone and subculture, and the then, the cheaper brands didn’t cut it – the beauty industry has evolved to a place where big US ones (Mac had opened up too) it (mostly) takes dark skins into account seemed to work. But I resented that I had to before products are designed rather than as spend 10 times as much on make-up as my ANITA AGED 20, HONING an afterthought. While the high-end brands peers and it didn’t quell the internal fire of HER GOTH LOOK still offer a bold colour pay off, goths of colour feeling like an ‘other’ in a group already on with less cash can get the shades they need the edge of society. Being a brown goth was Soho (now a Byron burger, sadly) with from brands such as Sleek and NYX too. And tough on the purse as well as tough on my a black cybergoth and Asian gothabilly. Instagram and Pinterest are a playground of already tortured soul. “Babe,” slurred the former, “us goths of colour gotta stick together.” Over the next inspiring people just like us, in a way my few days I kept muttering it to myself – young, Wales-bound self could only dream A whole new world “goths of colour”. I’d finally found of years ago (check out #gothsofcolour and But things were about to shift. I moved something – a label to explain ‘me’. #browngoth for inspiration). to London to intern on a rock magazine in From that moment, I made a mental note In fact, with individuality being so strongly 2007. This was unlike anything Wales had of what make-up every other ‘goth of asserted today, I can resolutely say that it’s to offer – the vast melting pot of London colour’ wore. A mixed-heritage girl working never been a better time to be a goth of meant that there were goths of all shades in a bar wearing white eyeliner introduced colour. And for those who aren’t of the and they looked awesome. I remember one me to inverting the customary black liner for gothic persuasion, let Halloween be Bulleit-fuelled conversation in the toilets of dark skin. I tried it out at a gig with a neon the night you embrace your alter London’s best goth pub The Intrepid Fox in pink eyeshadow and had tonnes of ego. Go forth and be merry (ish). ANITA’S FAILSAFE GOTH KIT The suit-all shades for goths everywhere… THE EYE BRUSH THE BROW THE THE LIPSTICK THE BRUSH Glimmer Effect Boy Brow, £14, FOUNDATION Powermatte Lip Shade And Light Eye Brush, £18.50, Kat Glossier Pro Filt’r Soft Matte Pigment in Paint It Eye Brush, £24, Von D Foundation 410, £26, Black, £23, Nars Kat Von D Fenty Beauty THE NAIL POLISH Sixty Second Super Shine in White Hot Love, £2.99, Rimmel THE BLUSH Inner Glow Crème Pigment, £24, Rituel De Fille THE PRIMER Photo Finish Lid Primer in White, £18, Smashbox THE BAG The Large Essential Cosmetic Case in Jet Black Lizard, £95, Aspinal of London PHOTOGRAPHY: PIXELEYES, GETTY IMAGES STOCKISTS: ASPINAL (ASPINALOFLONDON.COM), FENTY BEAUTY (HARVEYNICHOLS.COM), GLOSSIER (GLOSSIER.COM), KAT VON D (DEBENHAMS.
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