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- SO -- -'--mIo -6; THE FIRST VOO DOO So Howie Schwartzman called me up the other day and said, "John, you used to work on Voo Doo, write us an editorial about the old days," and I said, "sure, Volume XXXIV November, 1950 No. 6 Howie, there's nothing I'd like better to do." For those were the days, you know, the good old days, right after the great war, if I remember right - way VOO DOO back in '45-48. M. I. T. HUMOR MONTHLY ESTABLISHED In those days things were different. Winters were 1919 Winters then, none of this slushy stuff we have now. SENIOR BOARD I remember one time the Charles River froze up so damn tight that if it hadn't been for the sixty feet HOWIE SCHWARTZMAN General Manager of snow on top of it, the State of Massachusetts sure RIP TODD Managing Editor could have announced it as a new super highway. DAVE FINDLAY Business Editor BOB SCHWANHAUSSER Yes sir, in the good old days Tech was Tech where Associate Editor Men were MEN. None of this sissy humanities stuff JUNIOR BOARD they hand you now. You can't eat it; you can't drink it; you can't sleep with it; what good is it? None of CHUCK WHITNEY Literary Editor these easy schedules either. Classes straight through RANDY PAULLING Art Editor nine to five. For lunch a man had vitamin pills with MAURY DAVIDSON Features Editor BILL DUNN Publicity benzedrine chaser. Each classroom had two lecturers Manager ALLAN HOFFMAN Make-up Editor talking on different subjects at the same time. A man JOE VAN HORN Joke Editor who couldn't write with both hands couldn't last a BILL CHANDLER Advertising Manager week. NICK BADAMI Oh, I don't want you to get the wrong impression, GENE KOCH Co-Sales Managers we had fun too, all right. No doubt about it, Fun ROBERT L. HARDY Treasurer was Fun - Phos knows that. We used to play tricks JERRY HATHAWAY Office Manager on our favorite professors. I remember one prof who STAFF ASSOCIATES was particularly good-natured. One day as a joke, we pulled out his fingernails. What a laugh! Then JOKES ART Jack King John Medal Jack Freidenthal Dave Lissner there was the freshman we ground up and had served Larry Lewin Manny Rotenberg Fred Cohen in Walker for hamburger. Imagine the look on every- Stan Silverman Bob Hayfield Leonard Gross John Luger Charles E. Lenz John Annese body's face when we told them what they'd eaten! Jack Halsell Dick Locarni Charles Mather Those were the days. Ernie Sanlovenzo Charles B. Kurz Sheldon Herskovitz Jack Winfrey Lee Karney John Roof Ah, yes, memories, memories. Things aren't what Len Schwartzman Horatio de Garcia MAKE-UP they used to be, the younger generation is going soft. LITERARY OFFICE Bill Moffatt Parties were Parties back then. A man always brought Dick de Neerguard Stan Benjamin Bill Rice Bill Schlesinger at least two dates to a party because it was a sure Miguil Rivas Jr. FEATURES Bob Garvin Joseph lannicelli thing one of them would pass out before ten-thirty. Carl Schiff man SALES James Eyer Drinking was for Harvard dilettantes, the he-men at Dave Kessel John Meader Howie Briscoe Dimitre Tatistcheff Tech took morphine with a needle, Sherlock Holmes Tol Twitchell E. S. Carlson Phil Hallof Bill Whittington Frank Cruickshank George Stevens style. We used to scare the girls by turning a few TREASURY Manuel Liverman rattlesnakes loose on the dance floor when the lights Bill Wollenberg John Medgyesy George Bromfield Paul Shannon John Clegg were out. For chaperons we always got somebody from Marty Greenfield Dick Ahrons ADVERTISING John Crowe the deaf, dumb, and blind institute. Oscar Kaalstad PUBLICITY Joseph Cahn Yep, I'm an old timer now like Phos, and remember Charles Abbott Jack Taub Bob Chapman how things ought to be. I won't moralize, though Robert King Tom Moore J. M. Knight it does seem to me that in the old days Morals were' OFFICE CAT: PHOSPHORUS Morals - and nothing more; and I do want to say that times haven't changed completely. Stuff like Copyright, 1950, by the VOO DOO Senior Board. Published by the Senior Board for the Students of this in print is proof that Bull is still Bull. the Massachusetts Institute of Technology J. D. C. L. Office: 303 Walker Memorial, Cambridge 39, Mass. Office hours: 4:30 to 5:30 P.M., Monday through Friday Published monthly from October to May. Twenty-five cents a copy. Subscription: $2.00 for Eight Issues. 53.00 in Pago Pago. thanks to Chick Kane, Director of the Alumni Our Entered as second class matter at the Post Office at Cambridge, Mass. Fund, for his- many helpful ideas and for the cover, which he drew back in '24. It was banned for being too suggestive. Have times changed? Congratulations to Maury Davidson and Joe Van Horn on their election to the Junior Board. I Harding, nor the Honorable James Curley. Making the local constabu- lary the butt of its jokes. Cutting the Fire Department's hoses. Bah!" The cat stroked his belly with partially extended claws, against the lie of his fur. There were cats, too, cats with great thermal ca- pacity for the Winter, and with a good strong under-fur odor for the Spring term. Phos permitted himself a tiny smile, until his thoughts returned to that dread- WH R Icame ful Activities Ball with the tailless in, and its all a little disheartening. Manx kitty, and the smile was "The shades of yesteryear, "said replaced by his usual expression Phosphorus, "haunt me. You un- of gall and wormwood. derstand why 1 am occasionally "My heroes," and he made as somewhat bitter." He drained his if to spit. "Every year you know can of beer and reached for an- it all, and then you come here and College." A knife sang past the other. "You miserable pack of acquire a sense of humility and cat's head and parted his mustache. dirty-minded, yelping puppies," he leave the place ruined. No mo-re "Some of you learn. I suppose added quietly. confidence. Bums. Milquetoasts. it can't be helped. Things may "A long time," he said. "Lo and No moral fibre. Nothing remains have progressed from Mercer Run- woe, a long, long time it has been. except trained pulp. After four abouts to Willy's Jeepsters, from And yet, looking about me - with years you retch when you touch Raccoon coats to duffel coats, from some revulsion, peons - I wonder lemonade, and your sluts find gin to gin, from garter to girdle. what deep changes there have been, sweeter pasture at Calvin Coolidge The broads have changed their if any. I remember my first days appearance a little from time to here, green and callow, full of time, but never in essentials. Plus ca myself and the search for life, love, change, plus c'est la meme chose!" and a modicum of classroom wis- Phos extended his rough tongue in dom. Pah!" The scarred and the French manner, and savored grizzled cat wiped his mouth with his lips. the back of his paw, and carmin- "Whoever threw that knife," ated. he said," I congratulate you. I "At least presidents come and believe that you at least belong to go," he grunted," William Barton that gentle brotherhood which has Rogers of the splendid beard, Karl learned to bear its liquor like T., who came to the Institute for gentlemen and its children like world travel, education, and a ladies. As a matter of fact, friends, career, and Jimmy, who wanted you're not quite as black as I paint to have his picture on the wall of you. Some of you are pretty bright,
Course XV corridors." I. % and get to be major generals and Phosphorus thought back to the millionaires and the like." The air hammers with which the new 0: door flew open and the general presidential garage had been erect- manager dropped in, heavily, a ed, and fixed the world with a glassy stare in his eye, and in bloodshot eye. O0 fn his hand a torn brassiere. "Tech men are always the same. "I tear her battered ensign The student endureth. Wise guys. down!" he shrieked. Razz McKinley. Taft. Teddy Cco "That," said Phos, "sounds like Roosevelt. Roosevelt. Truman. the place Nothing sacred. Neither Warren RVG/RVWT after glass
the new beer that's both light gan dry
The F. & M. Schaefer Bamwing Co., New York
OUR H A N D HAS N E V EER LOST ITS S K I L L 1, A 4115
v 49
VOS - BOOINGS .. .
Phos presents on these pages a taking pity on the poor girl's plight we attended one of the double selection of VOOdoings dating all releases her, while the lovers are feature programs which are a the way back to those days when a asleep, from her spell and awakens weekly event at Keith's Memorial. Republican smiled in public, and her. She, reclining on the moss, You know how it is-you see last there was a turkey in every pot and recounts her dream, the conver- week's show and then next week's, two quarts in every baby carriage. sation being as follows: and walk out feeling exhausted. Here they are, carefully shoveled Queen: "I dreamt I was en- As is usual, the theatre was from the top of the pile, every one amored of an ass." crowded, and we were faced with fetching up a happy memory or three. King: "There upon the ground the unenviable necessity of standing lies your love." up for four long hours. But after And the donkey's name was walking around the dim reaches Bottom. -492 of the balcony for a little while Phosphorous took a holiday and we at length found a place to sit went to the movies the other night, down. Far, far up in the primeval mostly on account of he knew- wilderness of dim lights and car- that he could slip in as the collar peted stairways we found a railing on some lovely lady's coat. He Prof. Wiener stopped at a small of solid marble. rather likes this pose, and is usually resort this summer, we hear. One Now this railing didn't look very sorry when he gets inside and has morning he walked to the general comfortable, but we were rather to slip down. But to cut a short delivery window of the tiny post- weary, and reasoned that if the story long, Phos saw "Midsummer office, hesitated a few seconds ancient Romans could rest on Night's Dream," which mystified there and then slowly turned away marble slabs, then so could we. and amazed him very much. And with a countenance graced by a So there we sat in solitary splendor, being a clever cat, with his wits combination of embarrassment and peering at, a diminutive screen sharpened from years of figuring bewilderment. As he reached the over rows and rows of human heads. out Voo Doo jokes, he unearthed door, he was greeted by an ac- We were rather lonely at first, a pretty subtle joke dating back quaintance, "Good morning, Pro- but the railing gradually filled up, to Shakespeare. fessor Wiener," spoke the latter. and before we knew it a jolly feeling In the course of the story, by Hardly taking time to return the of being in the same situation, a means of a clever machination of greeting, the good Prof. turned on strange kind of bonhomie existed the notorious Puck, an unfortunate his heel, strode briskly and bravely among us. We sang the songs of actor (James Cagney) finds his back to the window and asked the picture in an impromptu chorus, head turned into a very realistic innocently, "Is there any mail and made comments on the tech- donkey, and by further enchant- for Professor Wiener today?" nique displayed by the amorous ment, a very beautiful fairie finds -932 couples in the back row. It was herself in love with said donkey, all very chummy. We began to leading to a rather terrific love think that there, was something in scene. But the king of the fairies, Being thrifty souls by nature, this Roman idea after all. -1936 5
Almost invariably when we at- is the best policy, but sometimes We had to celebrate Christmas tend the movies, we find ourselves people can go a little farther than vacation - just because everyone seated beside the strangest people. necessary. For example there is else was doing it, not that it wasn't It seems a kind Providence picks a certain bright spot on a darker our own idea, too. But at one of our prize characters just to titil- street off Broadway. It has a these country club dances where late our erratic fancy. (The nasty prominent sign. Three Shows there is always a terrifically mixed thought also creeps in that maybe Nightly - No Cover. -roS up crowd, the orchestra leader Providence is doing the same for started calling for the Big Apple the people we sit beside). and the older crowd - mothers At any rate we found ourselves and fathers, started swinging out in Loew's State one night, seated in gay fashion, but when it came beside two elderly ladies. They to getting enough of the younger had highpiled hair, a matronly group together, he ran up against manner, and bore an air of quiet The girls of Smith College have a stone wall. He tried coaxing one respectability. During most of the a delightful custom which we feel of the sub-debs and her escort out, show they remained courteously is worthy of the Institute's notice. and she practically slapped him silent. Each year on some beautiful day down. "Do you suppose I want At length we came to the part a bell is rung without warning and to make a perfect fool of myself in the newsreel which showed the classes are dismissed for one day. doing that crazy stuff?" she said services for his beloved majesty, This startling procedure is known as she and her partner went into George V. It was very impressive, as Mountain Day, the original an animated version of peckin'. and the two ladies were obviously purpose being to give the ladies -1938 moved. As the bagpipes wailed an opportunity to have a try at out a weird Scottish lament, we climbing a nearby hill. The truth noticed how attentive they were. of this tale was confirmed for us Finally the wild howling came to by the recent arrival of a Smith It was in one of those joints a close. After a respectful interval girl who dropped in unexpectedly where the waitress behind the one of the ladies leaned over to the on a Tech friend. Outside of seeing counter shouts, "Two cups of other. a handy way to have Smith dates in Java and sinkers" to some invisible "I always love that," she said. these tire-less times, think of the person that we found this inspiring "Chopin's funeral march, you possibilities that lie here if we were little poem. know." -r36 to institute such a day at Technol- As you ramble on through life, ogy. We would of course go in Brother - a much more spectacular manner. Keep your eye upon the doughnut The President would cut a satin And not upon the hole. A ribbon, our factory whistle would As we were leaving the same We chanced to notice a svelte, give a blast, and all power and restaurant of sorts, a rather tough smooth, young lady in one of the machines would be turned off. looking person stopped beside the newer of the new short skirts ap- Then after a parade by the freshmen cashier and said, "Hey, Bob, when's proaching us on Beacon Street the and free beer for all, the Institute me and you going out to lunch?" other day. We had just jotted would be dismissed to allow us to Good advertising. down a mental note regarding the swim the Charles River. We could -'9*4- shapeliness of her calves when two call this River Day, and with pa- dowagers in front of us caught our tience and time it might become eye. They had both turned to one of the most colorful bits of follow her with their combined pageantry in the town. Picture, gaze, and as we passed one re- if you can, scores of engineers marked to the other in a dark green pushing the water ahead of them tone, "My dear, did you ever see as they churn madly across the such a pair of gains." -r937 river to the Esplanade and free- dom, to the shouts of a multitude of enthusiastic Cambridge urchins. The matter is being presently dis- Some people insist that honesty cussed with the proper authorities. -1042 I ---_w
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111 I 1920
FOUR STUDIES IN THE MODERN STYLE When three's not a crowd
When there's an important selling job to be done, after hours, on some moonlit roadway, or shadowy campus drive, nothing gets you off to a better start than one of those new sport roadsters being built by Chevrolet. The front seat has plenty of room for the great American blonde, yourself, and several tons of raccoon coat-as well as a second blonde, if you believe in numbers. Then, if some offensive male decides that he'll go along too, there's a pleasantly remote rumble seat, where he can be placed in cold storage indefinitely. In addition-with Syncro-Mesh and Free Wheeling, you can let the car practically drive itself. Chevrolet's six-cylinder motor runs so noiselessly that you can put across your personality without using a gold-lined megaphone. And just as the Chevrolet Six never cramps your technique, it never cramps the allowance, either. Gas, oil, and servicings can be paid for, with plenty of change left over for cover charges and refreshments. And as for first-cost-well, bless your soul-just The Sport Roadster, $405 snap on the bifocals and take a look to the right! Twenty beautiful new models, N E W CHE VR OLE T SIX at Pri es ragi g from' 475 to 660 NEWprices f. o. b. Fint, Alich., special equipment extra. Low, delivered prices and easv G. Al. A. C. terms. Chevrolet Afotor The GreatAmerican Vaiue for 1932 Company, Detroit, Aichizan. Division of General Motors. 8 UT Voo DRY DAZE
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HEAR YE - In the good old days of hard liquor a man who went The benefits of prohibition are too vast to be en- out stayed out. But now a guy has to get up three tirely enumerated in three sets of the Encyclopedia or four times during the night. Britannica. Yet what open-minded person cannot see their extent even from such a meagre list of pro- posals as this: Put the yeast back in the bread! Look at all the dough we'll save! Look at all the men employed in the American breweries! Look at all the work we can save them by doing away with liquor!! They can spend the rest of their days in one long vacation and not have to sweat over hot distilleries! A thermos bottle of hot tea must replace the hip flask! A new beverage must be found to be drunk with the pretzel! The goblet of the gq s must henceforth drip with Coca Cola! Away wit' the stein, forward the Lily cup! Down with cognac, up with clam juice! Whiskey has to go away, Chicken broth is here to stay, Cherry phosphate avery day, Drink to me only with thine eyes, and I'll not ask for wine!
Sailor (travelling cross-country): The time has come when we can no longer have "Porter, get me another glass of beer in our midst. Its evils are too terrible for it to ice water." stay. Porter: "Sorry, suh, but if I Only the other day, we saw a man coming down the takes any mo' ice, dat corpse in street staggering under the influence of drink. He de baggage car ain't goin' to keep." seemed a good man too, probably with a wife and -192S children. But due to beer, he could hardly walk. He careened from one side of the street to the other, almost falling at every step. He rolled and sagged. He didn't seem to know where he was going, and all because of intoxicating liquor. Stooge: "What does 'non-trans- It was a pitiful sight. People stopped to look at ferable' mean on this dance bid?" him, But not one person there was kind enough to Stewed: "It meansh that no give him a hand with the barrel of beer he was carry- pershon'll be admitted unlesh he ing on his back. comesh hisself." -937 9 DOOc~-
A man was fumbling at his key- hole in the small hours of the morn- ing. A policeman saw his difficulty and came to the rescue. "Can I help you to find the key- hole, sir?" he asked. "Thash ald right, old man," said the other cheerily, "you just hold the house still and I can manage."
"Are you positive that the de- fendant was drunk?" asked the A modest girl is Sadie Bentz, She never goes out without her judge. pentz. "Well," replied the officer, "I 1933 saw him put a penny in the patrol I May, box on Fourth Street, then look up at the clock on the Presbyterian "A little hair tonic, sir?" shout, 'Gawd, I've Church and "Yes, I'll take a glass." lost fourteen pounds!"
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"The Veil of Bigotry, Shame, HANDICAPS A look of disgust is written on Falsehood, Etc. Is Torn Aside," A one Act Play in the One and Only his face. Addresses first young quoth Phos in'January,1929. "The Back Bay Garment Shop lady. Truth Revealed," he prophesied, "In Time: The present. 11:30 Tues- Man: "Got any ladies' bloom- the BACK BAY NUMBER." The day night. The one and only store ers?" Truth, as revealed in the issue of supplying ladies' unmentionables. Clerk: "Certainly. What size?" February, 1929, sold completely out Purveyors to Back Bay's elite He: "Don't know. Let's see in a couple of hours, started investi- young ladies. some." gations by everyone except the League Scene: The small store is de- She goes behind counter and pulls of Nations, and resulted finally in void of customers, and the two out a box, takes out a nice pink a completely new Senior Board, female attendants are rearranging pair and holds them up. Phos having gone in hiding in a the pretty pink and blue dainties She: "Will these do?" Back Bay h--s-. on the supports prior to going home. He: "I guess so, I'll take 'em. We've selected and reprinted here Enter a young man, rather well Got any more?" some of the items that made up Voo dressed, yet showing the effects of She takes out another and last Doo's most resoundingly (and al- a hard evening. His tie is awry, pair in the box. Holds them up most disastrously) successful issue. hair mussed, and many creases in again and starts elaborating on trousers and coat. their fine elastic, etc. He: "Fine. I'll take them. Wrap 'em up. Got any more?" She goes poking around counter and finds another box. Opens box and starts to display another dainty pair. He: "Good, I'll take the box full if I may. Wrap them up. Got any more?" When she starts for another box a worried look crosses his face, but just for an instant. Clerk rummages around behind counter for some time, finds more, and goes to store room. Comes out with three more boxes. She: "I'm afraid this is all I have. Would you care to see them?" He (a broad grin passing over his face): "No, don't bother, just wrap them all together. How much?" She, while wrapping starts cal- culatinggnentally, gives up, pulls pencil out of hair and calculates on box. Announces result as $27.32. He passes her three tens and looks well satisfied. He (as he takes bundle): "You are sure you have no more?" She (calling to manageress): "Sue, there ain't no more bloomers 'cept He (unconsciously): "Drive slowly through the park." those that were on left shelf?" DOO 11
Sue: "Sure not. All those gone?" THE LOWDOWN SUNRISE SONG She (mumbles): "Yes." Here lieth ye dapper remains of "Let's dew it!" He starts to go out and gets ye flapper, as far as the door when the girl Whose ways were so racy and who waited on him calls to him: rough - "What makes people walk in "Say, mister, Wouldya mind She made her abode down on Audo- their sleep?" telling me just what you want bon Road, "Twin beds." with all them bloomers?" And God! How that kid knew her He (about to close the door from stuff! outside): "Burn 'em. I hate the She died with her shoes on; I'll godam things!" give you the news on Collegian: "Have you an open- The ending of this baby's life; ing for a bright young fellow?" She tried - she could not get a Manager: "Yes, but don't slam Harvard man hot, it on the way out." First Distance Swimmer: "There's So she ended it all with a knife. a rip in your suit, Honey." Second Ditto: "That so? Hand me the grease gun, will you?" Tourist: "How do you get out Dean: "Don't you know you of this Back Bay district, anyhow, shouldn't play strip poker?" young feller?" Sweet Young Thing: "Oh,- it's VI-A: "Well, lots of 'em goes perfectly all right. It's not really I'm just all hot and bothered." down to Gainsborough Street and gambling." "Well, I'm hot, now if I could passes out quietly." Dean: "What!" only be bothered." S.Y.T.: "No; you see we get our clothes back."
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"Lissen, D'Artagnan, you do that again and I'll slap yer ears off!" THE COWARD -a chilling effect, which damped "Won't you wear my pin? I Se lay quietly on the bed, look- his ardor, cleared his brain, and wart you to be mine forever. I ing at him with appeal in her eyes - made him see that this thing, was may not be on the football team those wide eyes, so unafraid, so impossible. He tore himself from like Jake Smith and I won't have inviting. He returned her gaze, her. as much money to spend on you as not without passion, and arose Lifting his head, he called out Smith would, but honey, I love you from the cushioned divan on which down the stairs, "Mary, will you- more than any girl I've ever met." he had been reclining. come up here and change the baby?" "I love you too, sugar, but where "Oh, beloved," he whispered, "do is this Smith fellow?" you really want me to do this thing?" She, in her demure fashion, said nothing. The magic of her eyes became, if possible, a bit more She: "Let's go places and do alluring, more compelling. Her things." breathing became more rapid. Cayo: "Say, kid, we don't need He remained standing for a -to go places." minute, as if torn between two choices. He seemed about to relax in this upright demeanor, and to rush to her to perform that which she craved above all else, and which "Is this a dress rehearsal, Mr. even so stern a man as he admitted Carroll?" was very vital. "No, keep your shirt on, sister." Her soft, virginal bosom rose and fell with quickening rhythm. -' 4' A low, thrilling moan escaped her " What! Again? " e lips. ~ #~ f. He was unable to forestall ~ r. ~ this 1~ critical episode, evidently. Seeing this, he advanced toward her, leaned over her and caught Marry in haste and beget at leisure. her in his arms. Her hands caressed his cheek and entangled themselves in his hair. Slowly, gently, his hand crept downward and seized "When my girl began acting high the bottom of her skirt. hat I asked her to please take off Then, at the last minute, a wave her brassy air. Now she won't She: "Is Back Bay expensive?" of compunction swept over him even speak to me. I wonder." He: "Silence is golden!"
THE BACK BAY SKY LINE GIN-CRAZED.YOUTH
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-1928
WHERE DO YOU EAT? I Cafe be iarts ATTENTION GENTLEMEN!! Near 12 D'N, Do you long for the ecstasy, sublimity HAVILAND Boylston Street ++ the joy of complete abandon' Do and STREET your youthful feet tingle to glide care- MassachusltsAvenue free over a smooth, beautifully illum- inated dance-floor, under artistic, silken muralsV Are is the place where you get full value for you in the mood to dance 'midst alluring, Parisienne your splendour? Want to cheer the heart with sweet, hot, money in food and service dance-compelling music furnished by two world- All Home Cooking famous bands which fill the air with continuous music? Well, - - BE NONCHALANT - Just Just think of getting a reach for a gorgeous, beautiful maiden lust waiting to be taken into your strong arms and whisked away Seven Course Dinner to heavenly joy on Cosmopolitan's Magic Carpetl for 50 cents Cupies Invited - I),,rin, FREE
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-1922 DECEMBER, 1928
0110- 61onday cuts or Cuthber,
CUTHBERT had a weakness for "And how," we rise to remark, you throttle back the motor to land, week-ends. Friday night means for our COMMAND-AIRE you still have the same' uncanny fish to some people, but it was just a plane does command the air. In control. train ride to him. And Mondays- stability of control, it has no equal. When you combine this amazing it was simply shameful how that We have photographic proof of stability with the power of the boy treated his Mondays. His assort- how our pilot left the cockpit, COMMAND-AIRE 90 to 150 H. P. ment of cuts-looked like a hand of straddled the fuselage and the motors, and the vivid beauty and Stud, with the Dean's as the buried COMMAND-AIRE flew placidly on efficiency of our custom-like job, card. without, as the biscuit advertise- our buyers invariably say, "Why Suddenlyeverythingwas changed. ments say, the touch of human didn't you think of it sooner?" Mondays would find Cuthbert sit- hands. We did. Our importe4 designer ting on the chapel steps waiting for That's what air-minded people has been working for years. Now the janitor to open up. On two call stall speed control.- Should we have production up and price slightly hazy occasions he peered your engine go dead, or when down. Only $3,250 f. o. b. Little through the mullioned Rock. Write for our doors and said cautiously, booklet, and watch for "You know me, Emil." demonstration at the His friends were even University. more amazed than if Cuth- bert had answered the waiter in French. Pressed for an explanation of his amazing reformation, Cuthbert uttered the cryp- tic word, "COMMAND- AIRE."
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LWIkWIT$
Nobody knows how many bil- gnarled and bony Phoenix drip- someone's battered appendix from lions of human Leings inhabit the ping fetid water on the living room the hood. We race to the nearest earth. Perhaps a million or so live rug. Salvatore Dali should know bar. in or about Boston. Several odd what he is missing. 10:00 a.m. Lo! The Esplanade. thousands attend the Massachu- 7:15 a.m. Gottlieb is pouring 11:00 a.m. Discussing our 11:00 setts Institute of Technology, of breakfast. I am watching, rapt class over a beer. which we are on speaking terms and eager, when a low moan 12:00 a.m. Discussing our 12:00 with about one hundred. Think emerges from beneath the arm- class over a beer. of the mathematical odds, the chair. Scraping and bumping fol- 12:00 noon. Lo! Hoofschnabel. combinations and permutations. low. A gartered and hairy leg And a Hoofschnabel rakishly at- Who do I live with? Gottlieb? protrudes from below. I fling aside tired in Gottlieb's blue serge pants Six feet two of sin, bones, and the chair to encounter the repul- and my last clean shirt. Gottlieb disease, Gottlieb is the prototype sive features of Gottlieb's crony, and I console ourselves with the of all that is loathsome and in- Alphonse Hoofschnabel. I am put thought that into every life a little compatible. Gottlieb has a small in mind of a day in my youth Hoofschnabel must fall. We watch collection of black-widow spiders when, hiking through the swamp, in awe and genuflection as he dunks and keeps an octopus in the wash- I lifted a large, flat stone to espy a his' doughnut in a cup of gin. basin. Every night he locks him- fat, white slug thereunder. Our self in the pantry to get his in- limacine friend opens one swollen 1:25 p.m. We rush back to the structions from. Mephistopheles. and bloated eye, belches reproach- apartment for the daily icebox The following is a brief sketch fully, and returns to intellectual derby. This derby is practically of the normal day with Gottlieb. obscurity. unique among sporting events. It 6:50 a.m. I am awakened by 8:30 a.m. Routine discussion is based on the competitive esti- sounds of hacking, hawking, and of futility of attending classes. mation of refrigerator travel dur- spewing from the adjoining bed. 9:00 a.m. Gottlieb and I are ing excitation. Let me explain. Gottlieb is having his morning now resplendent with baggy cloth- Gottlieb has procured for us a consumption. The room is soon ing. My hair is combed; Gottlieb's phenomenal piece of refrigeration permeated with hordes of raven- skin well polished. Hoofschnabel mechanism: every day at 1:40 p.m. ous bacilli and micro-organisms. I is swept into a neat pile. We sally it indulges in an epileptic orgy. can hear the soft humming of their forth in quest of our respective The tebchnique of icebox derby is voracious little teeth as they vehicles. to mark the initial position with champ away at the walls of my 9:30 a.m. We discover mine. It a piece of chalk on the floor. Es- lungs. I lurch into the living room, is attached to a fence. We debate timates are recorded. Then all atomize a -quart of lysol, and col- whether to leave part of the car dishes, bottles, glasses, and other lapse on the couch. there take part of the fence smashables are removed from the 7:00 a.m. I am dreaming of a along. -*We resolve to let fate de- kitchen and the door locked. Gott- litter of armadillos playing leap- cide. The result is a little of both. lieb, Stempf, and Hoofschnabel frog in the chandelier. I awake to 9:50 a.m. Gottlieb's car; eureka! crouch behind the day bed in the sound of bone rattling against He wipes a bit of nerve-tissue abject reverence of the cosmic porcelain. Loud thumps ensue. from the door handle and climbs forces soon to be unleashed. At Gottlieb is taking a bath. in. Several glands are lying on 1:40 sharp a wild shriek of pri- 7:10 a.m. Gottlieb emerges from the seat; these he contemptuously meval exultation assails our ears. the bathroom, a threadbare and disposes of. I accommodate by We cower. Billows of soot and haggard Venus Anadiomenad, a removing part of a stomach and brimstone seep through the tran- DOO 17 som. Earth and cosmos shake' in a 5:00 p.m. Still only two. of voo-doo drum dance on my desk, spasm of physical law unshackled 5:30 p.m. Hoofschnabel leaves screams some similar remark. for the Old Howard. 11:'30 p.m. The party is dis- 6:15 p.m. My date accounted solved by three ganglions of the for, Gottlieb descends upon Welles- management bearing revolvers and ley like the wolf on the fold. bull whips. Vanishes into a stately brick edi- 12:30 p.m. Dates safely in arms fice. of waiting house-mothers, Hoof- 6:30 p.m. Gottlieb emerges with schnabel inserted head first in Amnesia Flatbush (bound and waste basket, Gottlieb and I pre- gagged) and deposits her on the pare to retire. We brush the beer front seat. Amnesia turns to greet bottles off the beds. us. I wince. My date is staring 1:00 a.m. Sleep that soothes in sheer incredulity. Amnesia is the tattered bosom. like a breath of foul air. 1:05 a.m. Lights on. Gottlieb 6:45 p.m. As we roar off, Am- wants a drink. nesia adjusts her hair and teeth. 1:09 a.m. Sleep. Suddenly Amnesia emits a charm- 1:15 a.m. Gottlieb lands on ing, ear-piercing little gasp. We floor. Thumping and thrashing. have to go back to Wellesley. Snakes again. At least the cataclysm is spent. Amnesia has forgotten her eye. 1:20 a.m. The pause that re- Muffled sobs of agonized mechan- freshes. ism alone remain. Gottlieb gin- 1:37 a.m. Swishing noises, sev- gerly tries the door. We encounter eral crashes, followed by noises of a shambles of metal parts and breaking glass, and a splat right powdered masonry. Gottlieb's over my head. Bats. Gottlieb re- guess of six feet wins. We return turns to bed, pushing the corpses the still shuddering machine to on the floor. the origin, sweep up the floor, and 1:50 a.m. Sounds of a fire siren indulge in a stiff sedative. winding up nearby. Good, Hoof- 2:00 p.m. Time for lunch - schnabel is asleep. Hoofschnabel pouring. 2:00 a.m. Noises reminiscent of 3:00 p.m. Routine discussion of a freight train loaded with empty inadvisability of exposing our- tin cans sideswiping a cattle train. selves to the jibes of professors at Gottlieb is in the arms of Mor- afternoon classes. pheus. I sleep. 4:00 p.m. Gottlieb is getting "that look." He condescendingly declares that if I will get my woman 7:30 p.m. Supper in the Statler and Hoofschnabel will get his, bar. he, Gottlieb, will get another bag. 8:00 p.m. Routine discussion of Hoofschnabel and I are not ex- inanity of preparing for classes we actly men among men, but Gott- don't go to. lieb is not even a mouse among mice. We squat on his head and 10:00 p.m. Back at the apart- stomach and amuse ourselves by ment. Gottlieb is making unneces- playing at "she loves me not" sarily obscene noises into the tele- with the sparse hair on his con- phone in response to the fourth cave chest. Gottlieb's chest is consecutive complaint. Hoofschn- so sunken that every time he takes abel, who has meanwhile oozed in, a deep breath he gets hunch- screams something into my ear backed. about bigots who can't tolerate 4:30 p.m. We have dug up two a little innocent fun. Amnesia, dates. who is executing a horrible variety 18 O P Voo TlEt h0AEINC TWENTIES "Marie is getting quite modern! Some time ago she said when she got married she was going to have two children. Now she's changed her mind." "What about, the kids?" "No, about getting married!"
street-ceaner'sprayer The answer to the "Who's that?" "Girl I used to sleep with." "Shocking! Where?" "Physics lecture." - 1028
"Pardon me, Lady Astor" Professor: "How wa Alexander II killed?" Student: "By a bomb." Professor: "How do you explain that?" Stude. "It exploded." - 1i21
Sweet Young Thing: "But I've never been kissed before." Unbelieving Young Man: "What?" "Your forefathers made you a Sweet Young Thing: "Before break- better man." fast." "It's a good thing my old man - 1 didn't hear about the other three." - iron Try this on your piano
How sad the story of Jane McCleek, Her will was strong, but her won't was weak. - 103
Day Before Yesterday, Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow DOO 19 Prosperity Was Just Around the Corner "Yep, I had a beard like yours once, "Oh, what a funny looking cow," but when I realized how it made me the chic young thing from New York look I cut it off." told the farmer. "But why hasn't it "Well, I had a face like yours once, /1 any horns?" and when I realized that I couldn't "There are many reasons," the far- cut it off, I grew this beard." mer replied, "why a cow does not have horns. Some are bqrn without horns, and some do not have them until late years m life. Others are dihorned, while still other breeds are not sup- A backwoods mountaineer one day posed to have horns. The reason this found a mirror which a tourist had cow does not have horns is that it is lost. not a cow at all, but a horse." "Well, if it ain't my old dad," he said, as he looked in the mirror. "I never knowed he had his pitcher took." He took the mirror home and stole into the attic to hide it. But his actions didn't escape his suspicious wife. That night while he was asleep she slipped up to the attic and found the mirror. 'Hum-um," she said, looking into it, "so that's the old hag he's been chasin'."
American college student touring Europe tries to pick up a little Spanish
"Who was that lady I seen you with last night?" "That was no' lady; that was your wife!" qA
Sweet Young Thing: "I'm in tears, positively in tears. I havent any bathing suit to wear." Innocent Spectator: "Did you lose it?" S. Y. T.: "No, a moth ate it." -1928
"Sergeant, somebody stole my car" 20 15AD'VOO
TIHIE 00AINf TWENTIES If it's funny enough to tell, it's been She wants to get married just to prove tod; if it hasn't been told, it's too that she can. dean; and if it's dirty enough to She doesn't want to get married just interest a frosh, the editor gets kicked to prove that she doesn't have to. out of school. If she doesn't, they'll say she can't. If she does, they'll say her career is ruined. "Guess who?"
The month's best music hit: "I don't mind your looking up my family tree, but let my limbs alone."
Train Robber: "Out with your dough. I'll kill all men without money and kiss all women." Elderly Gent: "You shall not touch these ladies!" Fast young ladies, like fast race Old Maid in upper berth: "You horses, often win by a bare neck, and leave him alone. He's- robbing this yet with this difference -the horse's train." 1Q22 victory is due to space covered quickly 25&4- -the young lady's to space not covered at all. in a cigarette it's the taste; in an "But I stroked the crew" Austin it's impossible.
"Dear Charlie, We should have been more careful for I am with Byrd. Love, and on a biplane it's impossible." Mabel. DOO 21
Murgatroyd
oil
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This is Murgatroyd This is Varicose. This is Treponema. She is a nazi, He is Murgatroyd is a Tech coed. Murgatroyd loves Varicose. bulgar spy. Murgatroyd hates a Ireshman See the maggots. Treponema. See his M S uniform? Whew!
Look! Treponema has lured V aricose. Treponema wants to know what is a Treponema is mad. Look what she is She will ply him. She will spy him. cadet officer. Varicose does not know. doing. We said she was bad. Treponema is bad. Varicose has foiled Treponema.
Murgatroyd has Oh! Look! Here is Murgatroyd! Murgatroyd has seen Treponema! saved Varicose. Will Murgatroyd see Treponema? She has also pilfered the potion. Murgatroyd will be all right. She will vomit. '!fje *opel Zeorbing to 'atnt Joe translateb out of tit Original Oretk anb itb tbe Jformtr aranulations biligtntlp compartb anb rtbiseb bjp 6ptcial Coaimanb
',p unto pou, marrp not an engineer for the engineer is a strange being, posseseb of manp bebilo; pea, be speaketb eternallp in parables 'bitb be calletb "formulao", anb be batb but one sible,-a banbbook. t talketb alwiapo of stresse anb trains, anb initbout enb of tbernobnamic. je boinetb altnaps a serious aspet anb zeemetb not to knowi bow to smile; anb be picketb big seat in tbe car bp the springs tberein anb not bp tbe bamsel biegibtbim; neitber boar be know a Waterfall sabe for its power, nor the gunset except for ber absorption spectrum. ZftWapo be carritetb big zlibe rule Witb bim anb be entertainetb big maiben Witb steam tables. Verilp, tljougb big banel expectetb cbotolates, Wiben be calletb be brings samples of tron. ea, 'be bolbetb big bamsel' banb, but onlp to measure tie beat content tbereof, aub kises but to test tje bicositp. Jn bit epe tbinetb a faraWav -look Wbitcb i nettber lobe nor longing -but a barn attempt to recall a formula. lfbere is but one kep to bis beart, anb tjat is tbe Mau Meta i kep; anb one lobe letter for Wbicb be pearnetb anb tbat an "3"; anb wiben to big bamsel be Wuriteth of lo~t aub signetb Witb crosses, take not tbest spmbols for kiae but ratber for unknown quantities. (ben a a poutb, be pulletb a girl's bair to test its elasticitp, but as a man be bitcobereb bifferent bebites; for be Woulb count the bibrations of ber beartstrings anb reckons ber otrengtb of materials; for be steketb eber to pursue scientific inbestigations, anb inscribetb btig passion in a. formula; anb big marriage is an equation inbolbing tWo unknoWnns anb pielbing biberst anfter0.
DECEMBER, 1945 23
FAMOUS LITTLE SPEECHES ~T-fha's Masfied l 1. Juliet to Romeo: Ah, perjure not the love you swore In former times, nor wreck, Jo's With new vows, faith you've pledged before; But come on up; let's neck. 2. Sir Walter to Elizabeth: I care not that you've soiled my coat, Sweet lady that you are; But ah, to clutch your pretty throat - You've crushed my last cigar! The naked hills lie wanton to the breeze, The fields are nude, the groves unfrocked, Bare are the limbs of all the shameless trees; No wonder that the corn is shocked. 1923
"I don't understand women. They never seem to You'll be singin' a song as ya' roll mean what they say. Take the other night, for istance. I goes over to call on Mary. When I gets there, she along in these easy-action, casual tells me the brother has lent her the car for the evening. "Would I like to go for a little ride?" "I would!" So Mansfield Jogs. Reet for feet and we starts off, Mary driving. Well, we gets about ten miles from town when suddenly the car gives one hep to step. Out-of-this-world last wheeze and stops - and not a house in sight! "Goodness," says Mary, "What can be the matter?" comfort... style ... long wear, at a and she sinks back sorta helplessly. "Mebbe I can price. do something while we're waiting for a car to come down-to-earth $995 along! says I. "You might try, anyway," she retorts, sarcastic-like. So I climbs out and starts tinkering with the engine. Then she says she's cold and don't me up to my neck in grease I know what to do - and Other Mansfields $9.95 to $13.95 trying to find out! But I gives her my coat and keeps right on working. Well, after I've fooled around with the carburetor for about an hour, I', darned if she doesn't discover that the switch had got snapped off somehow!! So I climbs in, and back we drives; she muttering under her breath all the way about "Dum- bells who don't know anything" - and after I've done TECHNOLOGY STORE everything I could think of -and it being all her fault anyway!! I don't understand women. They Patronage Refund to Members never seem to mean what they say!'" 1928 HUNTER HAIG
only
$35 the sportcoat 958 the suit
and the best of course
When your hair has turned to yellow
I will love you just the same; - cashmeres Even tho I liked you brunette * handwoven shetlands e9 harris tweeds cYou, too, Will I have only style to blame. * sharkskins . flannels like the fresh, If you use an orange lipstick * tropicals 0 * gabardines minty flavor Of that ultra-violent hue, And you wear skirts to your ankles, and relaxing I can even stand that too. refreshment of
But the first day that I catch you Beech-Nut Playing backgammon on the sly, HUNTER HAIG Gum" Or listening in on Rudy Vallee 30A PLYMPTON ST. Then it's goodbye, my sweetheart, CAMBRIDGE -near Harvard -
1931 goodbye. LEARN TO DANCE "THE SHAG" New York's dance craze which is The Southern father was introduc- sweeping the country. Also "The He: "Jack had tough luck in ing his family of boys to a visiting Swing," "La Conga," "Westches- court, this morning." governor. ter," Tango, Waltz, Rhumba, Fox She: "How's that?" "Seventeen boys," exclaimed the Trot. You will enjoy learning from He: "He was arrested for kissing father. "And all Democrats but John, Boston's foremost instructors. Over a woman. The judge took a look at the little rascal. He got to readin'." 35, male and female. Beginners and her and fined him $10.00 for being advanced pupils never too old to drunk." learn even if you are a beginner. A staff of experts - dependable - teach you how to lead or follow - balance - poise - position - and give "I understand that Norwegian boys you confidence to move "Ma, can I go out to play?" and girls go on skiing parties that last smoothly and lightly. SPECIAL "What, Willie' With those holes in for weeks." RATES - 15 PRIVATE LES- your trousers?" "That's all right - if they keep SONS $5.00. Hours 10 A. M. to "Naw, with the kids across the their skis on." 12 P. M. Dancing to orthophonic street." -1I.6 - radio - orchestra music.
Blue eyes gaze at mine - Vexation. Wife: "Oh, you needn't explain Soft hand clasped in mine - Pal- Eliot about that last escapadeI I'm divorc- pitation. ing you because of your table man- Fair hair brushing mine - Expec- Flower Shop ners." tation. Husband: "What do you mean?" Red lips close to mine - Temp- Flowers for All Occasions Wife: "Last night I saw you in a tation. night club with a fried chicken on Footsteps - Damnation. CORSA GES your lap." Our Specialty - 1936 "The boys in the fraternity Special Service to Tech Students must be out. The lights are not on." "No. They are giving a party." -1929 Telephone: Kenmore 6470 things apart to "My Dad takes 87 Massachusetts Avenue see why they don't go." "How did you happen to tip the ''So what?" canoe? Did you change your seat?" Boston, Massachusetts "So you'd better go!" "No. The girl changed her mind." -1930 '- r0s6 i6l Q^/" Voo
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"OKI OKI - A pterodactyl brought you. Now, are you satisfied?" Here I come, ready or not.
"My pen leaks."
"Damn doq diedI" ME TARLN-YOU JANE'
T'hell with this: it just goes in one ear and out the other. I'm saturated. 28 Ww aw VUU
"We'll run an editorial to raise enthusiasm so tha other activities can get good men, too."
Chorus Girl: "How did you L OoK, MA, /C/M/OR'3 BEEN find your new Harvard friend?" MAE4 ED/TOR O"c 7HE 3CHOOL Second Glorified Girl: "I just PA PeR. unbuttoned his coon-skin coat and
there he was." 8 -gzo &t A cousin of Siefgried Sassoon Once wiped out half a platoon By making them choke Prof to Soph: "Your work is ter- On a horrible joke rible. Your themes lack interest, Which he clipped from the Har- unity, coherence, and logic. What do vard Lampoon. you do in your spare time?" Soph: "I'm a reporter for The Tech, sir."
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