Th e student ‘news’paper of Imperial College London

Issue 1,403 felix Friday 16 May 2008 felixonline.co.uk

Inside

Return of the Singh

Pages 10 & 11

Architecture Vs. Fashion

Pages 16 & 17

Guns, gorillas & Generals

Pages 20 & 21

Hangman – Two bookable Brown love offences? IC Football Club loses £1,000 and is accused of criminal damages and intimidatory behaviour at a Knightsbridge hotel, see page 3 Page 23 2 felix Friday 16 May 2008

News News Editor – Andrew Somerville, News Goblin – Matty Hoban [email protected]

NSS rigging undermines MPseudoSci: is Imperial credibility of league tables lending credence to rubbish? Kingston University lecturer caught red-handed trying to influence her institution’s standing in national league tables

national league tables, employers will be led to believe students’ degrees are “shit” rendering them essentially unemployable. As a result of this, students are told to artificially inflate the scores for each of the twenty-two questions posed. “... If you think something was a 4, my encouragement would be, give it a 5”, says the Kingston academic to a lec- ture room full of students. In response to national media coverage of the inci- dent, the university’s Vice-Chancellor has called this an “isolated incident” and that the lecturer’s comments were “inappropriate”. Homeopathy in action. Active molecules? 1 in 1060 , if you’re lucky The story was picked up by IC news website, Live! (live.cgcu.net) and subsequently by the BBC, The Daily Kadhim Shubber In the past, the Centre for Homeo- Telegraph and The Times. This has pathic Education has booked rooms One lecturer at Kingston University was recorded encouraging prompted an escalating number of Concerns have been raised this week for classes on Imperial campus, al- students to inflate their scores on the National Student Survey comments being sent in to a variety of by a Felix reader over the misleading lowing their graduates to misleadingly news websites and publications. Ac- use of Imperial College’s name by sev- (though semantically accurately) claim cording to the BBC Education website, eral alternative medical organisations. to have studied ‘at’ Imperial College. Afonso Campos dergraduates’ points of view. Theoreti- students across the country have come The Centre for Homeopathic Edu- The London College of Clinical cally, this anonymous poll is meant to forward to tell their tales of how their cation was incorrectly listed as being Hypnosis (LCCH) is guilty of a similar An audio recording that discredits the be an accurate barometer of a student’s own universities have been employing based at Imperial College London by offence. The LCCH runs a weekly Di- validity of the National Student Survey opinions regarding his or her course. similar conniving tactics in order to ul- several websites, including worldho- ploma Course in the Skempton Build- (NSS) has been made publicly available The recording on the protest website, timately increase their standing. meopathy.org and worldhealthnow. ing; with this week’s lessons scheduled on the Internet. The recording first however, comes as somewhat of a blow The NSS surveys are heavily weighted com. The address given, however, is in for Saturday 17th and Sunday 18th at came to light on a website aiming to to the credibility of results gathered. In in both the Guardian’s and The Times’ Islington, a part of London where no 10:00am in Lecture Theatre 201. reveal supposed truths about Kingston the recording, Dr Fiona Barlow-Brown league tables. As a result, universities Imperial College sites exist. College has contacted the homeo- University’s lack of ethics and below- of the university is heard blatantly try- who do not less-than-amicably ‘force’ Further confusion was caused as sev- pathic sites that were claiming to be average teaching. ing to influence the students through their students to give glowing reports eral homeopaths cited Imperial Col- based at Imperial College and they The Survey is sent by post or email a sly form of intimidation. The lecture of their teaching will invariably be lege London as the institution at which have agreed to cease using Imperial to final year undergraduates in the UK makes mention that these surveys pushed down the rankings. For the they studied homeopathy. The Bi-Aura College’s name. The LCCH, however, and aims to be a feedback tool, meas- “feed in” to league tables and rankings. past decade, Imperial has consistently foundation said of honorary member has not yet changed its information uring the quality of a course from un- Should Kingston be poorly placed in been in the top three or four in the Jayney Goddard: “[she] studied for over with many Clincial Hypnotists cit- country. In this year’s Guardian rank- five years at Imperial College.” With no ing Imperial College as their place of ings Imperial placed in sixth behind record of Jayney Goddard gaining a study. This incident raises questions the usual suspects, but also Warwick degree at Imperial College, these com- about who can book rooms at Imperial An apology to the RCSU and St Andrews. ments are questionable at best. College and how efficiently the College It is unclear whether this catastro- In an email to Imperial College alum- safeguards the Imperial brand. In recent issues, Felix was under the impression that “RCSU” had phe will impact assessments for future nus Simon Singh, she later clarified her In the meantime, however, if you’re been dropped from the Science Challenge title. This was a misunder- league tables. Hopefully the authors relation to the College, saying that “my fed up with Geology or MechEng, for standing and we would like to clarify that the Science Challenge is still will take this opportunity to review homeopathy college was only based a measly £2,500 you could have a Di- the “RCSU Science Challenge,” organised by the RCSU committee. their criteria and restore confidence in there at the time”. However, these com- ploma in Clinical Hypnosis, ‘from Im- the rankings. ments are equally misleading. perial College.’

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London felix 1,403 SW7 2BB. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. Printed by The Harmsworth Printing Ltd, 17 Brest Road, Derriford, Plymouth. Registered newspaper Friday 16/5/08 ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2007.

Felix was brought to you by:

Editor-in-Chief Business Editor Music Editors LOLCATS Tom Roberts Afonso Campos Peter Sinclair Susan Yu Deputy & News Editor Politics Editors Andrew Somerville Li-Teck Lau Technology Editor Kadhim Shubber James Finnerty

News Editor OF TEH WEEK Matty Hoban Arts Editors Travel Editors Rosie Grayburn Ahranyan Arnold International Editor & Caz Knight Nadine Richards Busybody-in-Chief David Paw Ammar Waraich Gilead Amit Emily Wilson Fashion Editors Copy Editors Nightlife Editor Sarah Skeete Louise Etheridge Greg Mead Daniel Wan Tom Culley Anthony Maina Film Editor Sports Editor Gilead Amit Zuzanna Blaszczak Jovan Nedić Jesse Garman Games Editors Photography Science Editor Azfarul Islam Sally Longstaff Ed Henley Sebastian Nordgren Vitali Lazurenko Friday 16 May 2008 felix 3 [email protected] News Hotel retains ICFC’s £1,000 deposit Rembrandt episode follows confrontations between IC and Royal Holloway football fans one week earlier

Tom Roberts to disturbed guests was large enough Editor-in-Chief to account for the whole amount being retained. The captains also suggested Aggressive behaviour, intimidating that the hotel was “bitter because it conduct, inciting fights and criminal didn’t take the deposit from the Rugby damage – these are all accusations Club” at a similar dinner event held which have been levelled at Imperial last year. College Football Club (ICFC) after two It is true that the Rembrandt Hotel events over the Easter break. The first is no stranger to boisterous behaviour incident involved ICFC supporters from some of Imperial’s other socie- and fans from Royal Holloway’s Foot- ties. Last year, the Rugby Club was ball Club (RHFC) who are reported to almost fined and banned for damages have clashed at the University of Lon- after an event held at the hotel. How- don Union (ULU) Challenge Cup Final ever, the following morning the charg- on 8th March. The second occurred a es were dropped when members of the mere week later on 15th March, when club spoke and apologised to the own- ICFC held its Annual Club Dinner ers. Similarly, this is not the first time at the four-star Rembrandt Hotel in that the Football Club has appeared Knightsbridge, allegedly causing nu- in these pages this year. Felix reported merous damages to the property, re- Left, the main function room in the four-star Rembrandt Hotel and right, the sparkling male toilets on allegations of “homophobic chants” sulting in a £1,000 deposit being kept and harassment in the Union in the by the proprietors. Autumn term, and members of the Felix’s source from the Rembrandt glass and frames. edge of any criminal damage commit- park, with one of them reportedly Football club have made several state- Hotel said “a handful of students de- As the footballers left the hotel they ted within the Rembrandt Hotel. The throwing a punch. ments in Felix over what they believe is cided that drunken and intimidating are said to have been “noisy and in- representatives gave Felix their account At the time of going to print, Felix a persecution of their club, which they behaviour was perfectly acceptable, timidating”, singing offensive chants, of the evening, confirming that the toi- has been unable to contact ULU for perceive as unfairly perpetuating their whereby they conscientiously and wil- as well as being abusive towards some lets and ice buckets were used for vom- its version. The Royal Holloway Union poor public image. fully caused damage to the hotel.” A members of staff. iting in, and that hotel staff were not President, Joff Manning, told Felix that Some disciplinary action has been number of students vomited into ice It has also emerged that during the happy with “100 men leaving the hotel “supporters from both sides allowed taken against ICFC following these buckets in the hotel’s function room, ULU Challenge Cup Final the previous loudly.” However, they refuted claims themselves to let natural tension … spill two most recent events. Mr Toros- food was strewn across the floor and week, ICFC supporters were involved made about aggressive and intimidat- over into aggression,” and that, “individ- sian said the club has been kept in the some ICFC members are also reported in confrontations with Royal Holloway ing behaviour. uals have let us down in this instance.” dark about decisions made against it, as having attempted to provoke a fight students in the stands of Motspur Park When questioned about the incidents ICU echoed this latter statement say- citing Sport Imperial’s decision to ban with one of the hotel’s personnel. football ground. Banter between fans surrounding the scuffles at Motspur ing that there is a “minority [within the them from attending this year’s IDEA The accusations extend beyond turned into fighting, leading to at least Park, they said their supporters felt Football Club] that haven’t been reined League Tournament as one example. disorderly and threatening conduct, one seat being ripped from the stands provoked by the Royal Holloway con- in sufficiently.” However, ICU criticised He said that he found out about the however, and into the realms of crimi- and punches being thrown. The extent tingent. “We feel we were the innocent ICFC for their “blanket denial” of the ban via third parties, although he ac- nal behaviour. According to the Rem- of the fighting is unclear, as is the issue party … they came over to Imperial’s events on both occasions. knowledged it was a fair decision. The brandt Hotel source both the male of culpability. For their part ICFC have side of the stands celebrating in front When asked by Felix why they Union has told Felix that it will be fol- and female toilets were defaced with stated that one of their members was of IC fans,” Mr Torossian explained, thought the hotel owners kept the lowing-up with some form of discipli- graffiti; an emergency light was pulled “assaulted by several Royal Holloway” “looking for a fight.” According to the £1,000 deposit, the football club admit- nary action, the severity of which is yet off the wall; plants outside of the hotel fans. captain, once the game had finished, ted they didn’t expect to lose it entirely, to be decided upon. were damaged and left on the pave- Felix spoke to current Football Club two RHFC supporters who had been however, they believed that the cost of ment; and two paintings were taken captain Garo Torossian and captain- ejected from the stands earlier in the replacing broken glasses, cleaning the For a statement from the ICFC off the wall and smashed, breaking the elect James Skeen, who denied knowl- day challenged the IC team in the car function room and refunds being given Club Captain, turn to page 9 Shock! College likes its students Imperial tops at least one league table this week: only £6k is made by College from library fines each year

Kadhim Shubber than those from around the country. The University of York, which has a Figures obtained under the Freedom similar number of students to Impe- of Information act have revealed a sur- rial, generated £83,953 in library fines, prising uniqueness about Imperial and more than ten times that of Imperial’s. perhaps a level of benevolence on the Of course, one can interpret these part of College. results differently and conclude that Imperial College London makes the Imperial students are uniquely consci- least amount of money from library entious about returning their books. fines out of 20 top universities sur- A cynic might scoff that it’s probably veyed, including LSE, Oxford, Cam- due to the fact that few people can bridge, Manchester, UCL and St An- withstand the Sahara-like conditions drews. The information provided by of our library long enough to take out Exeposé, the Student Newspaper of a book. Exeter University, shows that in the The library is often a source of com- year 2006/07, UCL made £168,942 and plaint amongst Imperial students and Manchester University made £190,338 these figures provide a refreshing from library fines whilst Imperial Col- change. But with the news that the lege accrued a miniscule £6,474. As an refurbished floors of the library are average this amounts to around 50p set to re-open in early July, including per student. increased space for study and a brand LSE comes top as the university with new café area, Imperial’s conquest of the highest fine-per-person figure of this latest league table may be one ac- £10.50; more than 20 times the figure colade that we can hold close to our for Imperial. The second-cheapest for heart; no matter what the University the year 06/07 is Cambridge university Listings say. which made £34,302, 3 times less than However, more studious library- its rival Oxford. goers are unlikely to find comfort in Taking into account all 20 universi- the fact that we only get a pat on the ties surveyed, the average amount of bottom, instead of a kick up the arse, fines is approximately £90,000. since the current problems with the The statistics indicate that Imperial’s library will not be resolved before the library fines are significantly lower end of this exam period. Depending on your willingness to part with 50p, you might want to return these on time 4 felix Friday 16 May 2008

International [email protected] Headlines from around the globe The world beyond College walls...

Bush on Tour

Israel

Gilead Amit President Bush has started his tour of the Middle East with a visit to Israel on Wednesday, and intends to make week has gone by, stops in Saudi Arabia and Egypt on his five-day trip. He and the world is still arrived in Israel exactly 60 years to the day after the state an eventful place. Election Results II declared its independence, and was warmly greeted by Two almost equally United States his hosts. Though this is Bush’s second visit to the Middle A devastating natural East this year, many commentators are sceptical about disasters hit Asia, provoking two The long road to the Democratic nomination looks about fruitful negotiations arising out of his years in office. staggeringly different reactions to get longer. The results of the West Virginia primary Most are of the opinion that Bush has only ‘discovered’ from the respective governments. are a landslide by anyone’s count, with Senator Hillary the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in his last year in office, The aid is trickling into Burma, Clinton defeating Senator Obama 67% to 26%. This and that his relations with the Arab states are hardly whose military government has has made Clinton ‘more determined than ever to carry such as to give the talks the momentum he wants. virtually refused access to for- on this campaign until everyone has had a chance to make their voices heard.’ Next round starts on June 3rd, eigners, and seems oblivious to when both Democratic candidates face off in Montana. the magnitude of the disaster. As a result, the story, as well as the devastation on the ground, is well into its second week. Contrast this with the almost instantaneous de- cision by the Chinese government to send in thousands of troops to provide assistance. Nature isn’t the only villain in this week’s issue, as bombs ex- plode in the historic city of Jaipur, and Hezbollah now reveals itself Border Closes to be the real power in Lebanon. To quote Prime Minister Siniora: “We thought the threat [to] our Sudan country was from our historic en- emy Israel. But recent experience Last week’s attacks on the Sudanese capital by Justice and now shows that our homes and Equality Movement (JEM) rebels have been linked by Sudan’s our democracy is being held hos- officials to neighbouring Chad. As a result, the border tage by our own brothers’. Hezbol- between the two countries has been closed, and all trade ties lah is so powerful in Lebanon that have been severed. Relations between the two states have there is now no choice but to ne- been poor all year, with Chad having accusing Sudan of an gotiate with what the US and the attempted coup in February. Sudan’s ambassador to the UN UK have long designated as a ter- has said that ‘this is a moment of truth for the international rorist organization. community [to] send a message to Chad to desist from acts I never cease to wonder at how of destabilization.’ Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon has fickle public attention can be. I condemned all violence in the region. wonder even more at how fickle I am myself - I only pick up on some of these stories while researching for this page. The situation in Leb- anon is not getting the attention it deserves, and Sudan isn’t a word that’s made it into the headlines these past few weeks, though the state of affairs in that part of the world is still catastrophic. Still, look on the bright side - the US election is still as unconclusive as ever. Oh, and Bush is in the Mid- dle East. That’s something to look forward to. Friday 16 May 2008 felix 5 [email protected] International

‘Civil Disobedience’

Lebanon A comparative calm has settled over Beirut, following some of the most brutal sectarian violence seen since Lebanon’s civil war in the 1990s. Monday saw the Lebanese government revoking Hezbollah’s telecommunication privileges, an action Hassan Nasrallah, the group’s leader, claimed was tantamount to ‘a declaration of open war.’ Very soon after fighting between Hezbollah and the Lebanese army began, the group took control over Western Beirut and blockaded the airport. The blockade has since been lifted to allow a handful of international mediators into the country. Negotiations are due to start in the near future, but there is no question that Lebanon risks being torn apart from within. Earthquake – 7.9

China

The earthquake that hit China’s Sichuan province on the 12th of May has left some 20,000 people dead, according to unofficial figures. Thousands of people remain trapped in badly damaged cities, with many more reported missing. The Chinese government’s reponse has been almost immediate, with over 50,000 troops being sent to the eight affected provinces. Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao was at the quake’s epicentre on Wednesday, and is personally leading the relief effort. China has announced that it would be grateful for any international aid, though none has yet been formally offered.

International Aid? Bomb Attacks Burma UN figures for the deathtoll due to cyclone Nargis India are almost double what they were a week ago, with an estimated maximum of 100,000 dead. The Burmese government’s reaction has seemed surprisingly slow to 63 people are dead and over a hundred more are many, with only limited access being granted to external wounded after eight bombs exploded in the Indian city aid workers. Expert opinion on the ground is that the of Jaipur. The bombs all detonated within twelve minutes military junta’s offhand approach suggests they are not of each other, and in a radius of half a kilometre from fully aware of the extent of the crisis. A $187 million UN the city’s historic centre. Local officials have reported appeal is underway, receiving grudging support from the that a ninth ‘medium intensity’ bomb was defused, and local government that motorcycles seem to have been used in the attacks. The city of Jaipur, which is a popular tourist attraction, has no real history of religious violence. The incidents have been condemned both in India and abroad as acts of terrorism, though no group has as of yet taken responsibility.

Designed by Gilead Amit & Kadhim Shubber 6 felix Friday 16 May 2008

Comment, Opinion Let us know your views: [email protected] Letters may be edited for length and grammar purposes & Letters Views on these pages are not representative of Felix In response to the PPS Chair Imperial College Union President, Steve Brown, replies to the comments made by the Political Philosophy Society Chair, Ammar Waraich, in last week’s issue of Felix about the club’s recent ‘Criminalising War’ event

or the record, I would also like to publicise my version of the events surrounding the former Malaysian Prime F Minister’s visit to Imperial College on Friday 25th April. The Po- litical Philosophy Society (PPS) has laid on several excellent events this year and I too feel it is a shame that only the more controversial ones have received the lion’s share of the public- ity. No-one in the Union or the College has ever doubted the intentions of the society and I hope that Ammar is able to ignore those individuals who criti- Steve Brown cised him and the PPS anonymously President from behind a computer screen rather than talking to him personally. It is easy to criticise if you are safe in the knowledge that you yourself are im- mune from response and I would hope that the PPS can rise above the risible rantings on message boards. War Crimes badges from Dr Mahathir’s Perdana Global Peace Organisation, available after the event Your article does fail to mention, The however, the short time-scale over which decisions regarding this event to campus there would be uproar and I understand that you think that the foul of the Union’s Code of Practice on reputation of the had to be made. I received a complaint I would like to think that there would terms placed on this talk were over- Freedom of Speech. The onus is cur- from one of our fellow students that be no tacit acceptance that the anti- bearing but please understand that rently placed on the organisers to flag PPS, the Union your society had invited a speaker who Semitism espoused by Dr Mahathir is this decision was taken in the context up any circumstances which might “ had previously made racist comments somehow a less serious form of rac- of whether the event should be allowed indicate that an invited speakers’ pres- and the College on the evening of Tuesday 22nd April. ism by any student at Imperial College. to take place at all. The College and the ence will result in controversy. The At no point before this date did your Having gained knowledge of his rac- Union have a duty to take reasonable Code of Practice required that you as could have been society inform anyone in the Union ist views, please forgive me if I do not steps to ensure free speech within the principal organiser should have given or the College (as they are required to share your concerns that Dr Mahathir law and it would not be responsible for notice of the event 2 weeks in advance, damaged if Dr do) that in light of his previous com- felt “insulted” by the steps the College either party to allow an event which including a written statement of any ments there may be a problem with took to ensure that the talk and subse- was partly organised by an external circumstances which give rise to con- Mahathir went this speaker which would mean that quent discussion remained focused on organisation whose conduct you were cern about potential disturbances. additional security measures would the advertised topic. If he is still un- “disappointed” with to take place on Dr Mahathir’s racist views are well- off topic have to be introduced. To arrange a happy I would suggest that in future he their terms. The reputation of the PPS, documented and I apologise if the meeting with all concerned parties to thinks twice about parading his bigotry the Union and the College could have Union has failed to adequately convey discuss a mutually acceptable solution on the world stage which has seen him been damaged if Dr Mahathir went off this duty to students who are inviting was not possible at this late stage due condemned by governments and right- topic as if he repeated any of his rac- speakers to campus. If this had hap- to scheduling difficulties. You com- thinking individuals across the world. ist comments it would have been in pened then it would have been possi- ” plain that you were only given notice You also admitted in your article that breach of UK law. Neither of us would ble for you and the students who were of the restrictions placed on this event you were disappointed with the con- have wanted this and whilst it is easy worried about Dr Mahathir’s visit to 24 hours in advance but at the same duct of the Ramadhan Foundation. It with the benefit of hindsight to take have been more involved in the deci- time no formal notice was given that was clear a couple of days in advance the attitude that “everything would sion making process as then time pres- a speaker was invited to Imperial Col- of this event that the overwhelming have been fine and a fuss was kicked sure wouldn’t have been the issue that Imperial lege who has a history of inciting racial majority of guests would not be mem- up over nothing” this would not have it was. hatred. As a result of this incident our bers of the College thus if this organi- been an appropriate response to give As I have already stated, I do not room booking form is now going to sation wished to host Dr. Mahathir in advance of this event to students doubt the noble intentions of the PPS College be updated to make this obligation to then they should have booked a public who approached me as President to and I think that you have done a lot event organisers a lot clearer. venue rather than effectively hijacking raise concerns about an individual of excellent work this year which has Union Several contributors to Felix last a student society. If they were being, as with a history of inciting racial hatred contributed enormously to College week spoke for the whole student body you said, “uncooperative and decep- coming to campus. life. If the correct procedures were fol- when registering their disgust that a tive” on the night then in my view this Your proposed solution that in fu- lowed this would have avoided the dif- member of the British National Party vindicates the decision taken to ensure ture it should be the responsibility of ficult situation which as a result of our had been elected to the London As- that this event was kept under strict concerned parties to contact you well updated procedures will hopefully be sembly. If a BNP speaker was invited control. in advance of PPS events would fall avoided in future.

As a result of this incident our“ room booking form is now going to be updated to make this obligation to event organisers a lot clearer ” Former Malaysian Prime Minister, Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad, takes a question from an audience member Friday 16 May 2008 felix 7 [email protected] Comment Some whine to go with your drivel?

ave you noticed how has to be said, the further you progress JCR are true then Imperial not only has tened to one recount a drug-addict ex- whiny some of us are into a medical degree, the more you a much higher proportion of females but-not-ex-you-know-right-girlfriend when it comes to this lose touch with the reality of what the than I originally thought but they all he’d recently taken to sex therapy after time of year? I don’t world is like. appear to be conniving, backstabbing, she’d hit him with a bottle of alcohol H want to place myself too Grab a seat in a café or restaurant in daughters of bastards. Sally invited you during intercourse. squarely in any particular examina- South Kensington, and if you’re lucky around for a drink just after breaking And this was a genuine complaint, A. Geek tion schedules, because as all members you’ll find a group of students. A typi- up with your best friend’s cousin, but delivered with all the enthusiasm and of the Football Cl- sorry, Imperial – cal conversation will start off in a fairly just before asking you if you wanted to anger of myself at the fish counter in know, anonymity is what I get off on in mundane way, normally updating – in go to Chelsea Flower Show with her? Sainsbury’s enquiring as to why there my sweaty Summer evenings alone in a quite funny parallel to Facebook – What a shit! wasn’t any plaice in stock. my geeky hole. one of the parties to the goings-on of In fact in that sense, students today What is wrong with you people? I won’t bait any more, as the Editor the other, normally involving someone seem even more active than they were According to the media and People would presumably like a week where called Mary. I don’t know whether it’s twenty years ago, and society appears Older Than Lecturers, the youth is a he doesn’t have some kind of humour- the same Mary; but if it is, she’s a bit of to have more restrictions and prob- hive mind of rapping, apathetic shits, less babbling idiot writing in about a slut. But eventually, inevitably, we’ll lems than even Jane Austen managed and whilst one out of three isn’t bad it discrimination. But the whining arses reach something that’s controversial. to cough up onto her manuscripts. still does raise questions about what it – not you, Phil Meier, you’re more like I have to say, at this point, that those People did this, but didn’t do that, or is you’re doing with your spare time. The exams a metronome attached to a cat’s tail – of you undergoing exams presumably did it wrong, or did it at a bad time, or You’re anything but apathetic, but babbling on about how the examina- do have genuine cases occasionally. did it with the wrong body part, and you’re firing off in every direction at tested you on tions work, or the landlord’s treatment I’m sure there are times when mistakes it was totally out of line, do you know once with such ridiculous criticisms of them, or how difficult it is to choose are made, but most of the time there what I mean? that either you’re wishing you actually something he’d between the Azores and Honolulu for isn’t really much to complain about. No. I don’t know what you mean. In had something worth whining about a Summer getaway; well, they’re all re- I’ve heard it all. The exams didn’t fol- fact, I couldn’t give a toss: which only – and you know who you are, you “ self-indulgent tits – or you genuinely mentioned in ally starting to grate. low your line of guesswork. The exams serves to increase my smugness as I I know I’ve mentioned things like Fa- tested you on something he’d men- suck down a cup of Starbucks Soul De- think that things like the fact that you cebook before, but this goes way, way tioned in lectures but you were sure stroyer and listen on. need to revise more than one subject lectures but beyond that. It’s not just that a lot of he’d hinted you wouldn’t need. The ex- But it doesn’t stop. The guys will at once or how the price of nice things you seem to think the world owes you ams included something that would’ve generally talk about more bizarre stuff increases with time, are actually worth you were sure a little bit, it’s that you genuinely, re- taken ages to revise, and really, in this than the girls. Admittedly, the girls complaining about. ally think the world owes you some- day and age, how is that fair anyway? don’t make a lot of sense but that could Which is probably why people like he’d hinted thing tangible, in an entirely serious Or if you’re a girl, maybe there’s some- just be because I’m not one of them, Phil Meier exist. So think of it this way, way. Particularly – and I know this is thing inherently unfair about some but the guys are just way beyond that. I Phil – my being anonymous means you wouldn’t like putting a dead horse onto a cir- other woman on your course? That’s a can’t work out if they’re just very open that I can be whoever you want me to need cular conveyor belt onto which whips favourite too. Good lord, if even half of about their lives or flagrantly making be, baby. Just fire away with the criti- ” have been attached – the medics. It the stories I hear spewed out across the shit up, but the other day I sat and lis- cisms and I’ll lap them up. Reduced Guardian weekend magazine

ront cover – a picture of organic ingredient or hollows out and some food. Caption 'Are stuffs with other organic ingredients. organic almond oil dressed This week he tackles acorn-fed domes- non-pareille capers really tic pets. F the secret to good living?' Page 61: Around Britain with thou- Page 7: My continued degrading emas- sands of pounds in my wallet. An culation by Tim Dowling. Tim Dowling ageing Bruce Willis writing under the David Stewart bemoans his daily moral turpitude due pseudonym of Matthew Fort spends to his existence as a middle-class, mid- vast amounts of money on organic dle-age married father of two whose food so we can learn how better to live. only job in life is to get up and bemoan He visits a free-range almond farm and his daily moral turpitude due to his organic non-pareille caper orchard existence as a middle-class, middle- and finds that the heady mix improves age married father of two. He leads us one's longevity. to conclude that if everyone else were like him then natural selection would Page 63: Matthew Norman eats some surely cause the extinction of the hu- lobster and tells us how tiresome the man race. He is immensely smug about whole thing is. his gross incapacity. Page 65: Wine. Victoria Moore gets Page 9: Life as a sufferer of Down's- pissed on Chateau Lafitte before felch- syndrome trapped in a feminist's body ing her way through the sort of disgust- by Lucy Mangan. Mangan explains in Food, glorious organic food ing Fairtrade filth that a penurious but lurid, tedious detail that she finds all socially-conscious Guardian reader aspects of life frightening. She rolls might drink. out yet another report of her infeasibly Lake, a person who wishes they had graphs of actual real peasants living in witty conversations with her partner. more money relates some experience our very own British Isles. It comes to Page 69: Doctor, Doctor. Socially-con- Essentially she moans about her cool, associated to having too little money the conclusion that they are all people scious Guardian readers ask about how sassy life in lieu of telling us how im- or in some cases limbs. The reader is too and that a truly socially-conscious to avoid Deep Vein Thrombosis on mensely smug she is about all aspects invited to weep where he or she finds Guardian reader should not think of their carbon-offset flights to Hawaii. of her cool, sassy life. himself or herself unspeakably moved. them as peasants (even if they must be because they read the Daily Mail). Page 73: What women don't under- Page 11: An interview with someone Page 16: Letters. Pertinent questions stand about men. The next three sec- with a 'personality' who, when asked are posed by extremely eloquent, witty Pages 31-53: Fashion. Ugly people wear onds of the saga are unveiled. Pages the question, 'When were you happi- and socially-conscious Guardian read- ugly clothes so that uglier readers can est?' will invariably resort to the smug ers regarding the Weekend supple- point and laugh at how their betters Page 79: Interior design. Socially con- 56-60: My response 'When I got up this morning.' ment's lack of circumspection or inat- have fallen. scious Guardian readers ask about the which warms the cockles of the read- tention to detail. All the points raised best way of storing Fairtrade things in favourite organic er's heart. are extraordinarily valid and impor- Page 55: Beauty. Stuff made out of avo- organic things or vice-versa. “ tant. For instance, contributions are cado is applied to faces and reviewed. ingredient by Page 12: How to … write a 'How to … made to the lengthy debate on the true Waitrose's organic guacamole gets five Page 81: Gardens. How to make the [blank]' column by Guy Browning. In a origins of the omelette. stars. peasants who actually live in the area series of deft forays into post-modern- surrounding your Cornish holiday The Reverend ism the witty yet eloquent author dis- Pages 20-30: What People In The Real Pages 56-60: My favourite organic home jealous with a few well-chosen appears completely up his own arse. World Are Actually Like. The Weekend ingredient by The Reverend Hugh perennials. Hugh Fearnley- sends out a witty, socially-conscious Fearnley-Whittingstall. Hugh extols Whittingstall Page 14: An Experience. The left-wing reporter with a photographer to tell the virtues of an organic ingredient (All other pages filled with adverts for ” middle-class answer to watching Rikki the stories through words and photo- which he then stuffs inside another organic food.) 8 felix Friday 16 May 2008

Comment [email protected] Freudian projection

ealous eyes now scrutinise ics of those lectures when you had a you have left to wage a war on your calculus you will tumble into the abyss dusty and thick textbooks world-class expert teaching them and ineptitude. Do not be so misguided as of the maths of rents and work. When and cryptic notes on bind- answering any questions you had when to think that everyone is, to use a col- most of the workforce at least has a er hooks. No doubt you your pride yielded to your fear and you loquial expression, in the same boat (I degree in something, even something Z will now want a chance to sought them out during office hours. especially would never be in the same absurd and pathetically easy, how are draw breath after that adventure of an What could possibly make you think boat as you, I do not travel in economy you with only your precious A-grade opening sentence; not only does the you are going to understand it any bet- class). Look around you; look at the A-levels going to compete? first word begin with a Z (ensuring ter when you revisit the topic in some people you study with. There are the I myself would just borrow Lord Kel- that letter’s extra largeness, how often enigmatic, unchanging textbooks for gifted, whose gifts will compel them to vin’s idea and pay an impoverished but Viscount do you see a big Z?) but it also sort of ten minutes between bouts of weeping pass no matter the effort they expend. educated person to do science for me Kensington rhymes. under the strain? You couldn’t answer Then there are the hard working: those and then pass it off as my own to the Like my peers Lord Byron and Lord those problem sheets when they were who did not go out, those who did Royal Society: but that option is hardly Tennyson, both only mere Barons, I am on a single topic you had just covered their essays on time and had no need available to you. No, the only option clearly an artist of the first rate. Still, it fifteen minutes ago in a lecture and to invent excuses to get an extension. available to you is failure. You will fail is unbecoming of me to so flaunt my you had your notes right out in front Then there is you. All those optional at everything, you will be abandoned many merits when I am about to strip of you. How could you possibly an- homework sheets you did not do. All by everyone, you will die both young away any illusions a mother’s uncritical swer problems comprising of not just those lectures you missed because and poor. love may have given you (or your Gov- one course, but several, when the last you were nursing a hangover or were Well, I suppose you could always end erness, if like me, your parents were time you saw the relevant notes was sharing a bed with a woman or man up at the University of Soho. The only far too important and far too rich to 5:00AM the previous morning when or animal whose name you could not course may be a very practically-orien- have the time or the need to raise chil- you succumbed to tiredness and fell even remember. What have you done tated biology one, but there are not any dren). The truth of the matter is, you asleep in a puddle of your own tears, to deserve to pass? Oh, my apologies, tuition fees, far fewer lab reports to do are all inviolably doomed. Do not ask drool and all other manner of egested I forgot that you attended every single and you get to spend most of your time for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for the and excreted material? Make no mis- student night at ‘Tiger, Tiger’, how very in bed albeit with a fat, balding, mid- upcoming examinations which you are take: the Sword of Damocles swings foolish of me. dle-aged man. No doubt his weight will going to sit and fail. softly overhead (small angle approxi- And without science, you are noth- be measured not in stone but tectonic Your ignorant retort may be to claim mation for sine applies). ing. Brook no illusion: You have no plates and he’ll have a dazzling array that you still have time to revise and There is no hope: the passing sec- other skills; there is nothing to fall back of highly disturbing sexual fetishes. put things right. How very naïve of onds are your foe, gnawing on your on. When you lose the safety blanket Worst of all, he will probably work in you: you didn’t understand the top- chances, stealing the opportunities of a world of the maths of algebra and the City.

Of recent criticisms

ello all once again. I seem terpretation of you: "I'm a little pansy of vitriolic knobcheese off your stupid trol of your 'players' and shift your half- to have caused a shitstorm wimp, boo-hoo. Why does everybody chins and move on. By writing in wh- arsed attempts at drinking elsewhere of balti-sized proportions keep slagging me off, I don't like it... inging pussy letters to Felix, all you're for once. with a whole two IC Foot- BAAAAAWWWW". Obviously some doing is confirming your wannabe- My parody was not aimed at the en- Hballers writing letters to of my comments hit a little too close to alpha-male-but-lack-the-qualities per- tirety of IC Football, rather the idiotic Felix about me (all by themselves, with- home for your liking! sona that makes you so easy and enjoy- yobbo nobodies that it attracts. You out any help from their mums – aww Well I couldn't give a flying fuck. able to mock. don't have to make your club suffer, cuteness!). I was going to whap out an Don't try blaming me for your failings You don't like your club's bad reputa- guys. Indeed, you should be proud to even worse parody of the greasy snot- as people. The IC Finance Tarts may tion? Man up and do something about wear your skanky overpriced train- bags, but since the sun is shining – I'm be completely lacking in decorum and it. People calling you homophobic? ing tops around campus. However, the Linnearse going to be nice and reply instead: self-awareness, but at least they know Organise a bar night with the Imperial ones with the power to change your Ok IC Football Club, I admit what I when to take a dick to the face (oh my, Queers (you might even meet a nice club's image won't be me, nor the Felix wrote about you last month/term/eon how well they do it!). Take my verbal boy or two…). People getting annoyed Editor – it's going to have to be you. was incorrect. Here's my revised in- cockslap like men. Wipe my lashings with you trashing the Union? Take con- Good luck, girlies.

My summer condition

think we can officially say that My enjoyment comes precisely from summer is here. Midday tem- being above the moment – from crack- peratures are above 20 degrees, ing jokes at the moment’s expense, and it’s impossible to survive in a by revelling in its weaknesses. That I closed room without opening comes in handy for braving a lot of a window, and t-shirts and shorts are life’s vicissitudes, but it’s worth bugger once again invading the streets. all in the summer. You can’t be ironic This state of affairs may make some about heat. Make fun of dehydration as of you happy. Shame on you. You can much as you want; you’ll still end up in cheer if you want, but don’t expect me the Emergency Ward if you don’t drink Gilead Amit to join in with the general euphoria. I something. dislike Heat with a passion I find diffi- Now I’m not being intentionally cult to express without vomiting. To be dense – though I obviously can’t ex- quite frank, I’m allergic to the damned cuse myself of any accidental idiocy. I thing. When the temperature rises understand that people like the sum- above 20 or so degrees, my skin starts mer, and I even understand why. The to ooze a warm, clear liquid, I turn red, daily message I get smothered in from and various parts of my body start to mid-May to late September almost itch. It’s not a pleasant thing to talk My eyes! It burns! It burns! every year is: ‘being warm is so much about, I know, but my doctor tells me more relaxing than being cool’. there’s nothing I can do about it. Just Dandy. You prefer warm to cold, I grin and bear it. having in the great outdoors. Perhaps. It certainly stems from within me. prefer Table Tennis to Badminton. It’s So I do. Or try to, at least, as the glo- I can’t state unequivocally that my The summer is a great time to relax, to a choice, and like every choice, it re- rious cool months inexorably fade into unusual preferences don’t stem from let one’s hair down and be immersed in veals something about one’s character. the hellish days of summer. My grin some long-standing feeling of inferior- the moment. Apart from the obvious I don’t mind being in the minority, I does get considerably less prominent, ity. Perhaps I choked on a Pictionary difficulty arising from the compara- don’t mind being the only person smil- though, when my face starts to melt in card defining the word ‘hot’ as a child, tive shortness of my hair at the present ing as the weather announcer predicts the summer heat. or maybe a freak sweating accident at time, I find it very hard to relax. I’m cloudy weather, and I don’t even mind I know, I know, this is just me being the age of eight left me permanently tense, I’m controlling, I’m analytical people telling me I’m weird. But one weird and obnoxious, trying to ruin the traumatised. Somehow, though, I don’t and I’m obsessive: but hey, let’s not fo- thing I can’t stand is the Heat. fun all you lovely normal people are think so. cus on the positives. And it’s only May. Friday 16 May 2008 felix 9 [email protected] Comment IC Football Club responds... In reply to this week’s news article concerning the Football Club, which can be found on page 3, captain Garo Torossian gives ICFC’s account of the events that occurred at the Rembrandt Hotel and Motspur Park

ULU Challenge Cup final Imperial College offence as it occurred floor and no damage was done to any tournament in Zurich (although both on our side of the stand. We take full property or any individuals. Following Sport Imperial and ACC Chair Luke and Annual Dinner responsibility for this damage and will the clear-up it was found that 2 bottles Taylor failed to notify the Club of this take the appropriate action to have it of alcohol which were not purchased decision and we were only made aware replaced. at the hotel bar were brought into the of it through informed contacts and As reported in Felix this week, there The incidents from the day can be venue (such action is in conflict with third parties). This has directly pun- were incidents at both of these events summarised as isolated minor scuf- the hotel’s policy) . Furthermore, with ished members of the club who were which brought the image of the Club fles and are certainly not condoned by access to our function room requiring contending the ULU challenge final, by and the College into disrepute. The the club. However, we do feel that we passing through the main hotel lobby denying them an opportunity to play at football club takes full responsibility were the innocent party in this event and bar, several hotel guests were dis- FIFA headquarters. for the actions of its members and in and any aggressive behaviour was the turbed at the end of the night by the The Football Club Committee and no way wishes to justify the incidents. result of provocation which could have departure of a crowd of approximately I are deeply disappointed by both of Nevertheless, through this statement been prevented by superior stewarding 100 men – which I dare say was not a these events and have been working to we wish to clear up to the student body of the event by the University of Lon- quiet occurrence. fully resolve these matters as quickly the exact nature of the events. don and Motspur Park. The Club has nothing to hide regard- and as fairly as possible. I would like Garo Torossian For example, on several occasions ing this event, indeed both the Union to personally apologise for the actions Club Captain a group of Royal Holloway students President and a member of Sport Im- of the Club and for any shame it has ULU Challenge Cup Final crossed from their side of the stands to perial were invited as guests to the oc- brought upon the Union, the College the Imperial side and confronted our casion (although neither were available and our fellow students. This notwith- members in an aggressive manner. The to attend on the evening). A £1,000 standing, the Football Club also brings The incidents at the cup final were the stewards were aware of this on each deposit was taken from the Club; how- honour, achievement and a vibrant so- result of an initially good-natured in- occasion, but failed to prevent it re- ever, with previous experience of these cial body to the College, a factor which ter-team rivalry ending on a sour note occurring. ICUAFC have played in 7 of events and the nature of the contracts, seems to be overlooked with regular with minor scuffles in the car park. the past 11 ULU Challenge Cup Finals the loss of deposit was at best feared occurrence. Whilst no individual blame can be ap- and this is the first, and we wish it to and at worst expected. Hence, this cost The frequency with which the foot- portioned to our members at this mo- be the last, time that such an incident was budgeted for. Since the event the ball club continues to make Felix head- ment, they were subject to abuse from has occurred. football club have been banned by the lines astounds me. We are the largest the opposing Holloway fans, which Rembrandt Hotel from using their fa- sports club on campus, entirely male, resulted in several members of the cilities again, although it should be and very socially active. Perhaps this Royal Holloway fans being forcibly re- Rembrandt Hotel noted that this is a result of both this helps to draw a bad press, but equally moved from the car park and detained incident and a further incident last I am aware of many similar incidents by the Motspur Park security officers. year caused by a separate ICU Sports from other sports teams which fail to No Imperial College students or sup- The Rembrandt Hotel was used as the Club, a similar incident which this pa- make the headlines of Felix. What's porters were perceived to be worthy of venue for the Football Club annual per failed to report on. more, I know that some of the accu- detainment by the Motspur Park secu- dinner on Saturday 15th March. The sations made against us in this week’s rity officers as a result of this incident. event was in keeping with previous Felix were a result of the poor behav- During the match one member of the years; however, there were some iso- Outcomes iour of another ICU Sports Club and Club was asked to leave the stands for lated incidents worth reporting. We have wrongly being attributed to us. It having an unopened can of lager in have not been directly notified of the is only fair for us to distance ourselves his possession (there was an alcohol specific damages but through inves- Since the aforementioned incidents from these accusations and make the ban at this year's cup final). He was tigation we are aware that the men’s the Football Club has been under in- student body aware of this. Whilst I completely co-operative and left im- toilets were used for vomiting, as was vestigation by the college body Sport enjoy reading Felix each week, know- ICU Football mediately. Since the event the Club has an ice bucket. Also, accidental dam- Imperial. As a result of these events ing this does raise the question of the been made aware (informally) that one age was caused to a number of wine the football club was punished by re- level of impartiality and degree of sen- Club seat was broken and deemed to be an glasses, however these broke on the moval from this year's IDEA league sationalism in the reporting.

Editorial Felix responds to the ongoing back-and- forth between the ICFC and its critics

his week’s statement from ICFC feels persecuted by Felix’s “sen- the Imperial College sationalist” reporting. The criticisms Football Club (ICFC) is are directed at a series of Comment long overdue. The Foot- articles and two separate news stories T ball Club has taken um- involving them this year. They also brage with articles written about them highlight there has been a lack of nega- throughout the year, even going as far tive coverage of other sports club. as questioning: “Is there nothing bet- Felix is not biased against the Foot- felix ter for Felix to do than damage the ball Club. We have printed both com- image of the Football Club?” Yet, up plaints levelled at the ICFC as well as until the publication of the statement responses from the Club’s members. above, the Club’s correspondence has Mr Torossian states that “many similar largely been defensive rather than pro- incidents from other sports teams ... active, and has been labelled by some fail to make the headlines of Felix.” Yet as reactionary, including columnists in we have not received reports of these this issue. It is, therefore, promising to incidents. If a story is newsworthy, Fe- see that the Football Club is finally ac- lix will always report on it, regardless knowledging responsibility for some of of which club is involved. its actions. If the Football Club wants to avoid Even though this is a step in the right doing damage to their image, and avoid direction, the Football Club has failed appearing within the news pages of Fe- to apologise to the Hotel proprietors, lix, perhaps they should not put them- an action which other IC sports clubs selves in a position where their actions have done in the past. Furthermore, are newsworthy. ICFC have displayed a surprising will- With the information available to us, ingness to deflect the blame onto other we continue to stand by the news sto- societies, other universities, and even ries as they appeared both in this issue this newspaper. and last Autumn. 10 felix Friday 16 May 2008

Science Science Editor – Ed Henley [email protected] Singh on alternative therapies Simon Singh, author, science journalist, and Imperial alumnus, speaks to Felix about his new book

Edmund Henley Science Editor

Simon Singh recently got in contact with Felix, mentioning he'd got a new book out, "Trick or Treatment? Al- ternative Medicine on Trial", which he'd co-authored with Edzard Ernst, and asking if we wanted an interview. Naturally, we leapt at the chance, which resulted in the following conversation, outside a Richmond pub on a sunny af- ternoon last week.

It’s very informative - I’ve picked up a lot of things I’d not twigged, such as chiropractice being completely different from what chiropodists do…

I think that’s an important point: I sat in on a lecture for some trainee GPs – I surveyed them before the lecture, and it was quite clear that half of them had no real idea what homeopathy was – they thought it was to do with herbal medicine – they didn’t realise it was just sugar pills. On the one hand, GPs shouldn’t hand out homeopathy, but on the other, they will encounter pa- tients who will say “Oh, I’m thinking about this – what do you think about this”. You say you learned a lot read- ing this book, I think GPs could too, because alternative medicine, like it or not, is an area they’ll come across again and again.

How did this book come about – when did you meet Edzard Ernst, and where did your personal interest come from?

Although I started off as a physicist, I then went off to become a TV journal- ist and an author and so I skip about all over the place – from pure maths Simon Singh: if you've not read his previous books (e.g. Fermat's Last Theorem), you've missed out on some exceptional science writing. Change in Fermat’s Last Theorem to cosmol- this today – go pick up a copy of Trick or Treatment? Alternative Medicine on Trial. Or, if you're feeling lucky (punk), try out our competition ogy in the Big Bang to cryptography in The Code Book. So in a way it’s not surprising that I skip over to alterna- her off to West Africa unprotected. where I’d say ‘Can you have a go at this’, only get better; they take them when devalues medicine… tive medicine, except that it’s very dif- That’s when I thought: hang on – so he’d send me the material, and I they’re already taking conventional ferent from maths and physics. there’s something here that needs to might go away and reshape it, reword drugs, which may help them, yet they Yes, it encourages irrationality; it’s a The way it started was that I’d heard be written; for the public. Even people it, and shorten it a bit but he always credit the homeopathy; they think it gateway to people who think well if ho- of people using homeopathy to prevent close to me – members of my fam- gave me stuff that was already read- works because of misleading things meopathy works for my cold, maybe it malaria, and I thought this cannot re- ily – have used homeopathy. They’re able. And in other cases, I’d say ‘I want they read in the press. And the body will help for my malaria protection. ally be true. I know for a fact that ho- good parents, smart people, and if to write a section on herbal medicine heals itself. So if you have a cold, with Also, it encourages a culture of lying – meopathy’s just sugar pills and that of they’re turning to homeopathy, there’s and I’m particularly interested in the homeopathy you’ll get better in 7 days, if homeopaths are allowed to lie to us, all the alternative therapies it’s the one clearly a public education thing going safety aspect. Can you send me some without it you’ll get better in a week, are big drug companies? Who else is that we know just doesn’t work – both on here, as well as a fascinating history material?’ And he’d send me essentially but again you’ll credit homeopathy. allowed to lie to us? from a theoretical and an experimental as to how homeopathy emerged, how it a dossier of all the most important ma- But one of the reasons is the placebo And why on earth would you have just basis. I think an important point of the grew, and what’s going on in the minds terial. I’d read outside that too, but he effect – the sheer thought of taking a a placebo when you can have a real book is that we’re not anti alternative of people who are spending money and would give a good starting point. remedy which you think will help you medicine plus a placebo: if you have a medicine, we’re just pro-evidence, and investing hope in therapies which don’t And perhaps the most important will have some positive effect. We ex- back pain Ibuprofen has a real effect as sometimes we’ll embrace an alterna- work. That’s when it all came together, thing is that we always said our conclu- plain the placebo effect is incredibly well as the placebo. tive treatment, and in other cases we during the homeopathy study, meet- sions about particular therapies would powerful, and clearly of benefit to pa- And the more we run down conven- won’t; homeopathy’s one we abso- ing Edzard and realising he’s spent 15 always be based on the scientific evi- tients. So even if homeopathy is just a tional drugs (which admittedly aren’t lutely reject. Having heard these sto- years studying this and writing a hun- dence – we’re not writing a book about placebo, if a placebo is generally bene- perfect) the more we remove their pla- ries about malaria, I thought it would dred academic papers, but wondering what food we like – we’re looking at ficial, what’s wrong with homeopathy? cebo effect, and stop their real effect. be good to do a bit of a survey, and so whether his message was getting out to whether or not a treatment works, and That’s a very powerful question we can I worked with a young graduate, who a wider audience. the way you do that is through a scien- get to. The problem in the debate is This raises a few issues - as you went to ten different homeopaths - it’s tific trial. Science is never as cut-and- getting homeopaths to agree it’s just a point out, alternative medicine one of the stories we tell in the book. Though you’ve worked in many dried as people might think it is – it’s placebo in the first place! If we can get is attractive to many because of Because I’m not a specialist, I collabo- different areas as a science always open to slight interpretation, that far there’s an interesting debate its individual approach, which rated with some tropical medicine spe- journalist, this was your first but at the end of the day it’s quite clear as to whether or not we should use maximises the “therapeutic cialists. They said you should say this book-length piece in this sort of whether or not acupuncture is effec- placebos. Some people would say we relationship”. Has this effect been woman’s going to West Africa, where area. How was the process of tive for eczema, or is there adequate should - it provides an instant benefit investigated? the most serious cases are. I double- collaborating? evidence that it’s effective. at relatively cheap cost for people who checked with Edzard, as I knew he was I think the only area where we could have otherwise untreatable conditions Yes, studies have shown that if a doctor the world’s first Professor of Alterna- It worked incredibly well, much better have had disagreements, and it’s a real- like chronic back pain. But Edzard and gives you medicine personally, rather tive Medicine, to check if there was any than I could have hoped for. There are ly interesting area, is on the placebo ef- I agreed that we would not want to go than a prescription, this enhances evidence homeopathy could be used to nightmare scenarios where authors fall fect. We could have said “Homeopathy down that route. the placebo effect. There are prob- avoid malaria. That’s when I first met out with each other. But this was ut- has no pharmacological effect in and ably things conventional medicine can Edzard, and when I first became aware terly painless, for a variety of reasons. of itself, so why does it work, why do They’re interesting, the reasons learn from alternative therapists. But of how scandalous what’s going on is One of them is that Edzard’s a good people think it works?” Well there are you raise as to why you think one of the ways you elicit the placebo – that ten out of ten homeopaths were writer – he’s written columns, articles various reasons – one is they take them this is unethical, that the ends effect is purely through time. I had my willing to treat this young lady, sending for the public – so there were sections when they’re at their worst, so they can don’t justify the means. You say it first acupuncture session recently – a Friday 16 May 2008 felix 11 [email protected] Science photo for an interview. I’ve deliberately at Westminster had the guts to stand avoided all alternative therapies be- up and say “I’m a biochemist here and cause I shouldn’t base the conclusions I care about what we stand for, and I in a book from my own personal expe- don’t want to be in a university where, riences – how arrogant would that be of in one part, we teach that the more me to say acupuncture worked for me, dose you give someone, the bigger the so everyone should use it? So it was my effect, and in that little bit, they teach first session, and it was an hour long – the opposite”. someone talked to me, held my hand, One interesting thing here, to go back seemed to do some level of diagnoses. to your earlier question, is that I love For half an hour, I had acupuncture, physics, and maths and the pure sci- for 20 minutes of that I lay down in a ence side, still more than anything else. quiet room, with music playing gently, The direction here is not just a shift in for the last 10 minutes I had a head subject matter, it’s also shifting to an is- massage. It’s an hour long procedure, sue which faces society and which just which probably cost around £50. Now makes me angry and frustrated. I think if you can invest that kind of money, it’s a role for young scientists and un- you’re bound to get a placebo effect, dergraduates, to get involved. but unfortunately money’s always go- ing to be limited, which is why, I’m very In what way? happy to say, we can’t waste money on unproven therapies. Say going to pharmacists and asking “You’re selling this stuff, do you be- Is alternative medicine on the lieve in it? How does it work?” I think rise? there’s a level of involvement, becom- ing active. There’s an organisation, Yes, undoubtedly, increasingly there the Voice of Young Scientists (VOYS), are all sorts of weird and wonderful and they’re great – there’s a cosmetic, things on almost every high street – which is supposed to block radiation, why is this? One reason is we’re an af- and they’ve just rung up the company fluent society, we have money to pam- which makes it, and asked “How does per ourselves and give ourselves the it work? Sounds fantastic!” They’ve illusion we’re helping ourselves. When basically been causing a little bit of people have a real crisis – breaking And the ones that mother gives you, don't do anything at all. Well, if they're homeopathic that is mischief, and forcing people to justify a leg – they go to A&E. Alternative what it is they’re selling. And I think medicine caters for these diseases the more that scientists can confront which annoy us, where people get frus- be regulated. How easy do you it up! We look at the 30 most popular out of the NHS”, and they’d lose votes. these issues, and talk about them, and trated with mainstream medicine, say think it would be to impose this herbal remedies, which have been the Rather than do that, they’d prefer to cause trouble with the people that sell colds or back pain, where mainstream regulation? most investigated, and say what they’re perpetuate this lie that homeopathy is them, and try and talk to other people medicine has nothing to offer. And it’s effective for. If it was mild depression, some kind of effective medicine. who may be less aware of how science partly about mainstream medicine’s I don’t know – it’s a funny one – if I and it was St John’s Wort, which really And similarly universities which works, the better! lack of sensitivity to the public, and the want to fit a gas meter in my house, does seem to be effective (though it teach alternative medicine – absolutely way a minority of doctors treat their whoever does it has to be CORGI reg- does have some side effects) then I’d go bogus science – and which at the end And so what now – any ideas for patients. istered. If someone wants to give me and speak to my GP. I was recently giv- of it give people a BSc. I’m really proud the next project? I imagine you’ll But I think the main driving force is a checkup, it could be anyone. You en some pills by a herbalist, of which of my BSc from Imperial College. I’d be sticking with this one for a the mainstream media – in any Sunday could go home tonight and put up an I was supposed to take 30 a day, and I always understood what it meant was while. supplement you’ll see articles about advert calling yourself a homeopath, said I’d like to talk to my GP first. Their that lots of clever scientists in the past the benefits of crystal therapy, or “My and nobody could stop us. You have response was “There’s no point telling had built up this body of knowledge, These things do roll on for a while – I’ll Reiki guru”. And if you’re reading that to be trained to install a gas meter, but your GP, they’re not a herbalist, they and that other clever scientists had be going to America in August, to talk you’ve got to think there’s something in you don’t have to be to treat someone won’t know what this is.” That’s the taught it to me, and that I’d accumu- about the book there. It’s a fascinating it. And you look across the street, and else. This is where the regulation falls level of irresponsibility and huckster- lated this body of knowledge of what process, writing a book, but it’s also ex- Boots is selling homeopathy. Boots sells apart - the really bizarre thing is that ism that’s out there. I’m shocked – the science is, and what science has taught hausting – for two years I’ve not read medicines that help me, surely there- although I can treat anyone who wants sort of things we talk about in the book us, and where it’s going in the future, a novel or any other non-fiction. It’s fore homeopathy must help me, other- to see me and pay me, I can’t treat any – if a GP did that, they’d be struck off! and that I could walk out of Imperial a lovely to think that this summer I’ll be wise why would they be allowed to sell animals – to treat animals you need little budding scientist, who’d learned able to sit down and read a book. And I it. Neal’s Yard, just last week, were very to be a fully trained vet. Animals have Should this be a criminal offence? something. At other places, when you might read one which triggers my next heavily criticised by the MHRA for more protection than us! do a BSc, in complementary medicine, project – these things fall into your lap selling a homeopathic remedy which About 180 MPs signed an early-day you’re being taught pseudo-science. in a way which you never expect! Now claimed it could treat malaria. So all of Say you suffered from something, motion in support of homeopathy. It’s As a student you’re being misled, and I’m writing about things which appal this stuff is going on around us, so it’s say irritable bowel syndrome, the most extreme example of political if you later go and treat people later and anger me. I’ve got involved in the not surprising the public thinks there’s which hasn’t responded well to cowardice I can imagine – they’re be- you’re misleading your patients. debate on some of the bad and ludi- something in it. conventional treatment. You then ing asked to endorse a form of medi- I think it’s an utter disgrace that crous anti-science which tries to ex- come across an alternative ther- cine most doctors don’t seem to sup- Westminster University, which in so plain global warming isn’t serious, isn’t You promote an idea of Dylan apy, which as a scientist sounds port. If they campaigned to get rid of many ways is a respectable place, with caused by humans. I’m a firm believer Evan’s, suggesting alternative plausible and useful. How would it, they know about 15-20% of their good research and good teaching, is there’s a scientific consensus that glo- medicines and therapies should you go about investigating it? constituency, who maybe use home- prepared to undermine the integrity of bal warming’s real, and that we need to come with disclaimer labels; that opathy, would say “how dare you try to British education in this way. It would act – so maybe my next book will also this £40 billion industry should I’d get a copy of my book and I’d look deprive me of this medicine, or cut it be wonderful if some of the academics be this angry sort too! Competition!

Simon Singh and Edzard Ernst's new book, "Trick Or Treatment? Alternative Medicine On Trial" is a great read, combining the story- telling and lucidity we've now come to expect from Singh with a fair and rigourous assessment of a range of alternative therapies, from herbal medicine to acupuncture. Supplemented with histories of the therapies' often baffling origins and a thoughtful discussion of the ethics involved, the book is rounded off with useful refer- ence material on the most often-encountered alternative therapies. Simon Singh and Transworld Publishers have kindly donated a competition copy to Felix, which can be all yours, if you get the following question right.

Which higher-level institution was Singh based at for his Ph.D.? 1. Exeter University 2. Cambridge University 3. Imperial College London 4. The Centre for Homeopathic Education

Answers to [email protected] by Tuesday 20 May, 7pm. Correct answers will be put into a hat, and the winner of the draw will be notified by email. If you don't win, we suggest you console yourself by buying a copy – it's worth it! These ones, on the other hand, do apparently. Don't think Alice took fish oil capsules though unionpage SummerImperial College London Bal 2008 21.06.2008 16 MAY £30ENTERTAINM PRICES VIP ENTS TIC £50

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The biggest football match of the year is taking place next week, the UEFA Champions League Final.

The Union will be showing the game on our big 0 - BUY ONLINE NOW! screens as Chelsea take on Manchester United in the fi rst all English fi nal in Champions League history. Not to be missed! Wednesday from 19:30.

The Imperial College London Summer Ball 2008 is a fund raising event for Imperial College Union with all proceeds going towards the Building Redevelopment Fund. 14 felix Friday 16 May 2008

Picture of the Week

Coast, by Edmund Henley Postgraduate Physicist

We want to exhibit your art. Send in your photographs. [email protected] Friday 16 May 2008 felix 15

Culture & Arts Editors – Rosie Grayburn, Caz Knight, David Paw and Emily Wilson Budding culture vulture? Write for us. The Arts [email protected] Corrie for cultured people Rosie Grayburn sees the World Premiere of Harper Reagan at the National Theatre

t’s amazing when anything re- LIFE CRISIS. We follow Harper on Rosie Grayburn motely related to the North of her journey to South Manchester, and Arts Editor England pops up on my radar around many stage sets which rotate in here in London, so imagine my a very elaborate fashion, as she tries to ust prior to the time of writing I delight when I found a new play find some answers to life’s questions. this column of writer’s block, I at the National Theatre which was In a simple way, the play is like an en- was angry. The sun had buggered partly set in my hometown of Stock- tire year of Coronation Street played J off and the 1st day I had decided port! Harper Reagan is a new play by a out in 2½ hours, with an in-depth and to wear shorts had gone terribly fellow Stockportian, Simon Stephens, darkly comic exploration of sex and wrong as I was greeted with ice-cold and it is the most wonderful piece death. You wouldn’t get this on ITV. wind slapping my poor legs. This made of theatre I have seen in a long, long Apparently, Simon Stephens origi- me especially aggravated as I wanted to time. nally wanted the play to be about a write a nice column extolling the sum- Poor old Stockport never gets a man but then obviously decided that mer season. Now I’m going to have to look-in when it comes to culture-type the play would be far more interest- write about art. Shit. things. It’s stuck in a limbo between ing if the main character was a wom- In this week’s pages, we have been Manchester and Macclesfield - both an. Lesley Sharp’s Harper is a brilliant creeping around small, unfamiliar gal- far more interesting places, it has to be ‘heroine’. She is slightly adolescent leries and theatres in London. David said – and contains a dirty shopping in her awkward manner, but this just Paw has discovered the Embankment centre, a deserted entertainment com- shows she is at an odd stage of her life. Gallery in Somerset House. When he plex, council flats and a hat museum. I Harper is thrown into disarray when told me its whereabouts, it sounded am so glad it gets an airing at the Na- she doesn’t manage to see her father very much like he had gone on an In- tional Theatre’s most intimate stage, before he dies and consequently goes diana Jones style escapade to get there: although I have to say Stockport looks wild – sleeping with strangers, glassing “I swung across the Thames using my a fair sight better at the theatre than in uncouth men in pubs and stealing their handy liana rope, and then I had to real life. clothes. I don’t blame the woman – her Harper is heartily disappointed on visiting Stockport’s Hat Museum answer the Sphinx’s riddle and then The play focuses on one seeming- life is unravelling around her and only I crossed a lake of molten lava, then I ly ordinary person, Harper Reagan, when it gets really bad does she return was there. Easy. Or get the number 9 played by the fantastic Lesley Sharp. to her distraught family in Uxbridge. sweet man and my heart was wrenched else, go and see this play. It is sparkling bus”. Harper works in an office. She has a Every character we encounter on when we learned about his past. new theatre and it glitters with atti- But maybe this is the time of year to grungy teenage daughter and a lov- her journey up and down the country I left the theatre feeling enlightened, tude. Ee by ‘eck, I loved it. take a break from the sweltering galler- ing husband, who has a sinister secret. is watchable and interesting. Her very thoughtful and gobsmacked: all the ies of London. There are so many beau- For this reason they have moved from eccentric boss (Michael Mears) is just emotions one should feel when one Harper Reagan is on until 9th tiful parks in London, and all have their Stockport to another limbo, Uxbridge. one of those people you’d wish to avoid goes to see a play. I loved the fact the August. The National Theatre own individual character. My favourite On a hot autumn day, Harper leaves in the corridor at work, whereas Harp- play was spoken in Northern, when release Student Standby tickets is London park is Hampstead Heath, her family without telling them and er’s mother (Susan Brown) is half Man- nowadays you get so many actors who every day 45 minutes before the probably because it has a hill. Coming gets on a plane back to Manchester. cunian Hyacinth Bucket, half emo- sound like they have a plum in their show starts. These cost £10 and from ‘Up North’, I do like a good gradi- You see, children, Harper is having tional wreck. Seth Reagan (Nick Sidi), gob. If you hark from up north, go and you get the best seats in the ent and the views across the city and what is commonly known as a MID Harper’s husband is a wonderful, calm, see this play. If you’re from anywhere house. Yummy! surrounding countryside are splen- did from the top of the heath. Heaven would be lying there on a sunny day in the long grass with a good book. In heaven there is no such thing as a grass allergy or hayfever. Next week we will feature a tube map of parks to explore around the city. Over the summer, I have decided to drag my poor boyfriend to Florence and Siena. “I don’t like art,” he stated, “but I will when we get there.” There is nothing but art there, except for large helpings of espresso, pasta, and ar- mies of tourists. Maybe to wean him onto Italian art, I should take him to a new gallery that has cropped up on my radar: The Estorick Collection in Islington. It is described as “One of the most civilised ways to spend an hour in London” and is set in a listed Georgian building with a sumptuous café and 6 galleries containing London’s finest modern Italian art. At the moment there is a lovely exhibition of prints from a well-known collection in Italy. However, I am really looking forward to the exhibition opening on the 25th June at the Estorick: The Mountain Photography of Vittorio Sella. What could be more beautiful than seeing nature’s own art that has been cre- ated over millions of years? The way the snow folds down the mountain is better than the best couture at Fashion Week and the mountain looks at you in a formidable manner, unlike any por- trait in the NPG. If you would like to get involved with Arts, please contact us at arts.felix@ imperial.ac.uk and we will give you free tickets in return for your articles. It’s like that bit in the Little Mermaid, except we won’t take your fishtail or give you legs… in fact it’s completely different. Harper Reagan (Lesley Sharp) and a generic drunk Northern bloke (Jack Deam). People in Stockport don’t have jobs: they have pints of lager. 16 felix Friday 16 May 2008

Arts [email protected] Shades of Purity: Skin & Bones Fashion and architecture may not appear to be the most obvious pairing. David J Paw reviews one of the year’s most important exhibitions fresh from the Museum of Contemporary Art in Los Angeles

fter making your way down the steps of Som- erset House’s south en- trance, you find yourself A in the shade of two arch- ing canopies rising from the sidewalk of the Victoria Embankment. Who would have thought? The Embankment Gal- leries seem to be the sort of small and largely-ignored establishment one gushes liberally about to one’s friends over lazy afternoon drinks. Not any more. As Rebecca Johnson stated a couple of months ago in the London Student, this exhibition was long over- due in London, one of the key cities in the progression of the worlds of fash- ion and architecture. Skin and Bones’ mission statement concerns the convergence of the afore- mentioned disciplines in recent years, citing examples from each. The ex- hibition starts in the 1980s, perhaps appropriately as the Japanese fashion designers led by Issey Miyake invaded the Paris shows and began to make their impact felt, quickly followed by the hastily-labelled “Hiroshima chic” of Comme des Garcons and the great Yohji Yamamoto. These designers created unconven- tional outfits, treating clothing more sculpturally and including liberal dos- es of asymmetry and sheer volumes more associated with architecture. As you head into the dark of the gal- lery through a set of heavy curtains, a collage of old magazine clippings from the time sets the scene perfectly, with liberal lashings of the new breed of de- signers such as Comme and John Gal- liano. Though not quite the juggernaut of modernism, the exhibition recog- nises the exciting potential of the crea- tive exchange and movement early on. Though the creations and techniques of previous couturiers such as Cristo- bal Balenciaga had been described as “architectural” in form, the eighties provides the perfect starting point for the uninitiated as the technology avail- able was light years ahead of traditional pattern cutting techniques, thus allow- ing a new spirit of creative enterprise to flourish and allowing a convenient entry point. The exhibits are perfectly The Japanese designer Yohji Yamamoto’s sculptural and tastefully clean clothes are design favourites in the world of architecture presented and in a logical order that is a pleasure to view. For an avid fan of design, it is a heaven of sorts. organic so often referenced in both exhibition are also distinctly in the section, in which a technique normally ture Systems’ design for the Selfridges Zaha Hadid’s angular building pro- fashion and architecture. Wind up the fashion camp – leggings, status bags used by fashion designers such as Mat- store in Birmingham. Rei Kawakubo of posal for The Peak commercial centre underlit staircase and you find yourself and wedges galore, though occasion- thew Williamson is splayed in ceramic Comme des Garcons has notably been on Hong Kong Island is quickly fol- staring down a two corridors in which ally a lost architecture student wan- tiles across the roof of Santa Caterina honoured with inclusion amongst the lowed by a massive full-wall projection the thick of the exhibition lies. ders in and provides some contrast to market in Barcelona by the dynamic world’s best architects in Taschen’s Ar- of Belgian duo Viktor & Rolf’s 2002 Despite its billing as an exhibition of the crowds counting the layers rapidly architecture group EMBT. chitecture Now annuals for her input in Long Live The Immaterial collection, architecture and fashion, the general accumulating on model Maggie Rizer Similarly, the use of paper tubes is designing Comme’s store in Manhat- in which models wear designs cut feel is that of architecture influenc- in Viktor & Rolf’s 1999 Russian Doll contrasted between architect Shigeru tan, a shimmering aluminium tunnel from bluescreen material. The effect is ing fashion more than the converse. show, in which a model has progressive Ban’s paper tube shelters used to taking the shopper from an unassum- wondrous, with projections of sprawl- Of course, this is not without reason. tiers of dresses layered upon her. house refugees in Rwanda, and Yohji ing sidewalk into a futurist labyrinth ing Los Angeles freeways and reef fish As architects increasingly begin work- Yamamoto’s stunning and innovative laden with Kawakubo’s idiosyncratic skitting excitedly across tucked and ing on smaller-scale household items, use of them in his “secret dress” from clothing designs. draped dresses and tops. Several out- clothing also makes an interesting ex- “The exhibition his 1999 Wedding collection. Their So besides spectacularly highlighting fits from Bouddica’s Invisible City col- periment. It is far easier for a designer innovative and surprisingly practi- the similarities between the disciplines lection are also displayed in the flesh, of clothes to incorporate architectural recognises the cal application (used in the latter in and recognising a long-overlooked and allowing viewers to marvel at their sensibilities into his or her work on lieu of zips to “lock” sections of ma- significant design trend, what else does tautly suspended hyper nylon dresses, a small and relatively low-cost scale, exciting potential terial together) is a testament to the the exhibition succeed in? Well, as interlocking shapes and finlike pro- than it is for an architect to boldly ex- forward thinking of visionaries such stated before, the space is a fashion and jections that were more Boeing than periment with couture techniques on a of the creative as Yamamoto and Ban. Though they architecture junkie’s dream come true. Brooks Brothers. A video schematic massive scale under even larger com- won’t be in the mainstream any time Finally, after the frivolity of purely aes- showing British designer Hussein Cha- mercial pressures and logistic con- exchange” soon, the path is already paved. thetic fashion with its frills and over- layan’s remote control dress from 1999 straints. It is more straightforward to In addition to comparisons, collabo- sized bows comes fashion anchored plays on loop. The room is silent. work alone with yards of silk and crepe The upstairs takes techniques from rations are also evident. Those who in pure design sensibility and with it, The space the exhibition takes place than it is to work with several engi- each discipline such as draping, decon- take note of luxury trends will note the names not normally seen in show- in was designed by architect Eva Jir- neering teams and construction firms struction, printing, use of geometry now-established trend of collaboration rooms and boutiques, let alone major icna, and is in itself worthy of marvel. on a project involving steel beams and and volume, and compares the crosso- between fashion designers and luxury exhibitions. For this alone the fashion Flat silver panels roll into undulating fragile glass panels. ver of each technique into the domain labels with prestigious architects. The and design community owes the or- carbon black surfaces, juxtaposed with Thus it seems somewhat simpler to of the other. The appeal of this is made given examples here are Herzog & De ganisers no small gratitude. gorgeous jabs of teak to punctuate the find examples of architecture in fash- starkly apparent in many examples, but Meuron’s collaboration with Prada on Wired ensembles and jaw dropping contrast between the artificial and ion than vice-versa. The crowd at the none more so than in the “printing” an epic store in Aoyama, Tokyo, and Fu- technocouture dresses by Junya Wa- Friday 16 May 2008 felix 17 [email protected] Arts tanabe vie for your attention along with a deconstructed Margiela piece and suspended harness dresses by New York design wizard Yeohlee Teng. More mainstream pieces such as a Vivienne Westwood piece in Duchesse satin or an incredible Alexander Mc- Queen piece from The Widows of Cul- loden (2006) are the icing on the cake. In particular, those not fortunate enough to have witnessed Hussein Chalayan’s performance set piece dur- ing 2000’s Afterwords collection will see it here in all its glory, albeit with the actual clothing and the video of the “performance” on loop adjacent to the display. Chalayan was interested in ref- ugees in the context of identityand the idea of having to pack one’s belongings to flee undesirable circumstances. His piece consisted of a few chairs surrounding an ordinary circular wooden table. When the models ap- pear, they remove the cloth from the chairs and don them as dresses, and the frames fold into suitcases. After, a model steps into the centre of the ta- 12 ble, which then folds into a tiered skirt, before the group walks away. Visually powerful and iconic in the world of fashion and design, this is worth the admission alone. And what of the architecture die- hards? Thankfully, there is ample to satisfy here on that count as well. The great and the good, from Daniel Libeskind to Jakob and MacFarlane are represented, and superstars are in abundance as well. Thankfully, Frank “Powerful and iconic, Afterwords is worth the admission alone” Gehry’s inclusion avoided the obvi- ous reference,sinstead focusing on his pleated and muscular design for the IAC Building in New York and his gorgeous Walt Disney Concert Hall in downtown Los Angeles. Someone once wittily observed that 3 4 fashion was so vapid that without at- tachment and association to other cre- ative mediums, it would evaporate into thin air. In this instance, it attaches itself to that other peripheral medium, architecture. As demonstrated by the exhibition, there are more similarities between the two than you might give them credit for. Neither is really ac- cepted by the old guard and thus it is left to the likes of the more progres- sive-minded younger generations to identify and integrate it as such. No, fashion and architecture will probably never be as expressive as pure forms like sculpture and painting, but then one isn’t intended to wear a sculp- ture or live beneath a canvas. Though to some the references and parallels will appear obvious, Skin and Bones evidences just how deeply the design symbiosis runs as there is much here to astound and inspire. Its last parting shot is a Chalayan piece from last summer’s Readings col- lection. Bundles of burning red lasers sear across the enclosed glass, cutting swathes of jagged, angular lines. The illusion of geometrical structures rise and fall in the melee like the organised chaos of a Jackson Pollock, suggesting an architecture of the space around the body, Regardless of medium, the essence of design comes down to line, 56 line, line. Both disciplines in the purest sense strive to free themselves of the limits of convention and diktat. And Above: Hussein Chalayan’s LED design for Readings (1); Wilkinson Eyre Architects’ folded Bridge of Aspiration at the Royal Ballet School (2); in the world of art where most of the Hussein Chalayan’s Afterwords (3) and Daniel Libeskind’s design for the Jewish Museum in Berlin both draw cues from embedded notions of work is in the intention, what more is identity; Yeohlee’s increasingly complex use of structuring and suspension (5) draws from long established architectural principles, as evidenced there to it than that? in Foster & Partners’ Millau Viaduct (6) 18 felix Friday 16 May 2008

Music Music Editors – Peter Sinclair and Susan Yu [email protected] Efterklang live at Southbank Efterklang have risen to become one of the most popular and admired electronic acts today. Peter Sinclair went to see them at the London leg of their current world tour Peter Sinclair Music Editor Efterklang hen I next write Queen Elizabeth Hall here I will be twen- 2nd March, 2008 ty. While there will be no physical, tem- From the release of their first EP W poral or emotional ‘Springer’ in 2003 to their second and gap between 11:59pm on the 15th of latest full-length LP ‘Parades’ in late June, and 12:00am on the 16th, I think 2007, Efterklang have experienced a in a few years it won’t be hard for me level of success enjoyed by relatively to mentally separate the two decades – few bands who still manage to retain the teens being as they were filled with their independence and individuality. hormonal instability, getting drunk in Parades, which was met with almost the park and Slipknot, and the twenties unanimous excellent reviews in the with its forthcoming vast riches, super- music press upon its release, contin- model girlfriends and utopian technol- ues a trend observable throughout all ogies. I tend to think of the awkward of their albums - away from the colder, teenage years as very much overrated, more introverted electronic sounds of but hearing of Slipknot’s fourth studio their earlier works towards a more live, release some time this summer has got almost orchestral feel. It is a trend seen me reminiscing. in virtually all electronic genres today, I must have been about thirteen, or and represents something of a coming- fourteen maybe, when I first heard the of-age for the whole style. band – I think my brother bought their In a tour which has taken them first album and I must have stolen it off around Western Europe and will soon him at some point. Until then, I had take them to the US and Canada, been bored by the Britney vs. Christina Efterklang’s 33rd date was London’s whore-off that dominated mainstream Queen’s Hall in the Southbank Centre. teenage music culture at the time, so Embracing the sumptuousness of the tended to react to most music with venue, the band’s newfound warmth bewildered disinterest. But Slipknot was brought to a level only hinted at was a revolution. Drop D guitars, two on the LP, with all instrumental parts drummers, screaming and rapping all (excluding beeps and clicks) being per- in the same gruesome (albeit slickly formed by five of the core members, marketed) band. Add to this the hor- with Anna Brønsted of Our Broken ror masks, and I was in love with nu- Garden filling in for the fifth. Even the metal. This whole world opened up to choral arrangements were performed me: Deftones’ ‘Back to School’ played live, with all members of the band sing- on my DiskMan during most of my ing in harmony. Given the dreamlike, Efterklang live at The Queen Elizabeth Hall, Southbank Centre highschool education, Korn inspired sometimes whimsical sound of the rest countless attempts at starting bands – of the music, these sections were par- it was a good time to be 13. ticularly powerful, ushering the mood go live – like when watching a good replaced by a whistling solo, and sev- I had my initial doubts when hear- Through nu-metal I heard about from the sombre to the divine. movie, there isn’t time to question how eral members of the band miming the ing ‘Parades’ for the first time, but in grunge, and through grunge I heard Efterklang really have managed to real the characters are when they act so air-violin. At the end of the show, in a what seems like a complete reversal about The Smashing Pumpkins. By the perfect the art of the live show, despite beautifully. charming twist, the band played their of roles, this is an album which must time I got into them they were long the complexity of the music which Like the music, the band’s perform- final song while parading through the be appreciated live. When recorded, it gone, so I had the whole catalogue of must make its performance a night- ance is playful and sometimes whim- audience in the style of a marching sometimes feels slightly melodramatic albums to discover. I loved the creamy, mare. There were no points where sical. The violin solo which was sup- band, the main vocalist and multi-in- and at times contrived, but live it is so brittle distorted sound, and I lived vi- the veneer of the music faded and you posed to be played during one of the strumentalist Casper Clausen donning real and so organic, it couldn’t be any cariously through the ‘1979’ video. could see through to the technicalities, songs by the missing member (stuck a snare drum and taking the role of different. I actually met one of my best friends as happens when some electronic acts in Sweden due to UK visa issues), was Drum Major. Peter Sinclair through our mutual love of the Pump- kins – I was wearing a ZERO t-shirt, and we spent hours talking about the breakdown of ‘Geek U.S.A.’ and the dizzying apex of ‘Hummer’. This column is taking me so long to Mystery Jets play live at Scala write – I keep taking 20 minutes out to trawl YouTube for all of these old as clear as they sound on the album on tunes. I hadn’t listened to Hummer for Mystery Jets Scala’s fantastic soundsystem. years before 5 minutes ago, and I had Scala The relentless cheering of the crowd, barely given Deftones a thought since I 24th April, 2008 however, brought the band back on was 16. When I first saw the ridiculous stage to play an encore. Along with promo video that Slipknot have put After the release of their second album them came Henry, who played a very out to promote their new album, I was ‘Twenty One’ on the 24th of March, much missed guitar part for ‘You Can’t ready to cringe at myself for ever hav- and kickstarting their tour in Man- Fool Me Dennis’ and the show’s closer, ing liked them, but I now realise that I chester, Mystery Jets came home to ‘Zoo Time’. The audience’s chanting of actually had excellent taste in music as London to play a very special show at “Zoo Time, Zoo Time, Zoo Time” add- a teen. I still think the horror masks are Scala on the 24th of April. ed to the already hyped atmosphere cool (although cutting off your dread- The band came out with a roar of and made a kickass addition to the end locks and sticking them to a mask is applause from the audience , start- of an impressive show. It is safe to say definitely not cool, and quite disgust- ing off their show with ‘Hideaway’, the that the 80s-influenced vocal harmo- ing). Maybe I will buy another Slipknot first track from their new album. The nies and synth-heavy melodies of the t-shirt. I probably appreciate it on a crowd was made up of artsy indie kids Mystery Jets rocked Scala that night. different level now to how I liked it and people you wouldn’t normally as- The band will be continuing their back in the day, but it’s comforting to sociate with the electronic style of the tour until Christmas this year so you’ll see that while my tastes have changed Mystery Jets, but nevertheless they have the chance to catch them in Lon- since highschool, I still deep down love all swayed and jumped in harmony don at Kentish Town Forum on the my nu-metal upbringing. to tracks like ‘Young Love’, ‘Veiled in 28th of May (alongside the likes of Grey’ and my personal favourite, ‘Hand Maximo Park and Blood Red Shoes), at Does anyone even read this bit? Me Down’. Victoria Park the 9th of August and at Special mystery prize to the first Although the band no longer play Astoria on the 23rd of October. three people who email music. with Blaine’s father Henry, they still [email protected] Contrary to popular belief, that is in fact hair and not a shit managed to reproduce their tracks live Roman Hochuli Friday 16 May 2008 felix 19 [email protected] Music Lost causes and a love of the steam locomotive

monition of their success to come. ping your feet and humming along. It The band was used to playing to wild maintains that get-up-and-dance pace iLiKETRAiNS crowds in packed-out venues in and for the first four songs, only slowing Shepherd’s Bush Hall around Manchester, and went down down momentarily for ‘Please Don’t’, 2nd March, 2008 well with The Coral audiences as the a sweet little track telling the all-too- supporting act of their UK tour. Un- familiar story of the messy break-up, Mournful post-rock signal men iLiKE- suprisingly then, their first headlining asking “Please don’t pretend that we’ll TRAiNS made it to London to give a tour in October was extremely popu- stay friends.” Frontman Liam Fray lesson in chess players, fictional prime The Courteeners Chooooooo! Kill me now St Jude lar with their devout following of live describes this track as “Better than ministers and the great fire of London. ★★★✩✩ music lovers, finishing with a sold- anything I’ve heard in years” and his Drawing on events or people from genre’s predictable structure and Dav- out date at Shepherds Bush Empire. slurry Manchester vocals seem just as the past, David Martin deeply crooned id Martin’s voice. When Guy Bannister The band have since released 3 more comfortable with this sentisitive and over a solid reflective post-rock base (guitarist) harmonised, the sound was The Courteeners are a four piece Indie singles, the last two of which - ‘What melancholic number as they do in the in Shepherd’s Bush. They performed given more depth, but this was unfor- act from Manchester and are tipped to Took You So Long’ and ‘Not Nineteen more common explosive, upbeat and a wide set both from their excellent tunately an effect the band only used be the next big thing with their debut Forever’ - have been top-20 hits, and general feel-good tunes which follow debut EP ‘Progress Reform’, and their sparingly. album ‘St Jude’ currently at number their album St Jude has been eagerly it. The album does slow down to catch first-but-not-as-good album ‘Elegies Oh but the Venue! Trundle along 27 in the official album chart, 4 weeks awaited. its breath again in ‘How Come’ and the to Lesson’s Learnt’. Nevertheless, live, Uxbridge Road for a little further than after its release on the 7th April. You The album opens with the catchy lovely ‘Yesterday, Today & Probably the band where clearly engrossed with Google would have you believe and might have been hearing them since and dramatic tune ‘Aftershow’, which Tomorrow’ which closes the album their music, as were the audience, you’ll find the Shepherd’s Bush Hall, August last year when they released gives us a taster of the wholesome like a goodnight kiss. sucked in through their mesmerising the Empire’s smaller, more regal little their first single ‘Cavorting’ on the in- pop-indie goodness which fills the al- So yes, it’s good. But it’s not really visual displays. Each song has a specif- brother. The atmosphere and deco- dependent label Loog Records, which bum from start to finish. It’s a strong anything new. They are trendy, cardi- ic setting and date, for example ‘Terra ration of the venue made the gig feel sold out immediately, serving as a pre- beginning and is sure to have you tap- gan-clad, indie Manchester boys and Nova’, which recounts Captain Scott’s like the house party of a member of while the lyrics do occasionally deviate expedition to Antarctica. The setting the minor aristocracy who keeps in- from the usual topic of love-life related was exhibited with striking, often black die scenesters and long-haired 30-50 misery, such as the binge drinking, pill and white grainy images that dragged somethings as close friends. The walls popping culture of today’s youth in Ca- the audience forward. The visuals were were exquisitely covered in mouldings vorting and a quite bitter criticism of especially lovely if you aren’t partial to of cherubs and scrolls and there were the posey and image-desperate stere- starring at beards. During the last song no fewer than six chandeliers (and one otype of the ‘alternative’ music fan in ‘Spencer Percevel’, David Martin broke small disco ball), hanging from the Fallowfield Hillbilly, these references his guitar in the sheer emotion of the ceiling. As I arrived the ‘party guests’ are still far from insightful. nine minute epic. Lucky for us, how- were sitting in circles or nonchalantly In short, St Jude isn’t going to change ever, they also previewed a new as-yet- leaning against the wall just a little your life, but it you love indie, it will untitled song, which hinted that the passed out. It wasn’t tacky, despite my sound great, and your CD collection future of iLiKETRAiNS may be slightly description, and iLiKETRAiNS’ sound won’t be complete without this energy- more upbeat. Good, as after an hour made the whole place cry of a dysto- oozing gem. of melancholy historic post rock, it pian future. Westlife. Ho ho, not really. It’s the fucking Courteeners Fiona Watt all starts to merge together due to the Sarah-Emily Mutch

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Monday 2nd June at 14.00—16.00, Room 311, Level 3, Sherfield Building, South Kensington 20 felix Friday 16 May 2008

Travel Travel Editors – Ahran Arnold, Nadine Richards and Ammar Waraich [email protected] The Democratic Republic of Congo Ammar Waraich finally delivers Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) Part 2 of 2 (Part 1 in Felix 1,397). Gorillas, guns and Generals are on the cards as he discusses the issues and situations surrounding his visit

dmittedly this piece has taken more than the one week promised since the first part, but better late A than never! As those of you who remember read- ing the previous piece may recall, I spent some time in the DRC last sum- mer when I literally walked into the country on foot alone, looking for ad- venture. But what I got in return was being stuck in civil strife; being reduced to having only $7 in my pocket; brib- ery; and having to escape the country by taking a boat past armed gunmen. The Democratic Republic of Congo was a country that instantly caught my imagination. Precariously straddling the line between extreme lawlessness and raw livid excitement, one doesn’t really know whether they should hop Overlanding it on a motorcycle taxi onto the next motorcycle taxi to try and overland it to capital Kinshasa across vast jungles, armed militias and never-explored terrain; or whether they should cower in the toilet at the border upon entry and wait for the for- eign office to send a rescue helicopter. This country has so much to offer - from active volcanoes and undiscov- ered wildlife to bona fide pygmy vil- lages and a surprising amount of good international cuisine! I did not spend long enough there to savour every- thing but one thing I did do, which was almost a life-changing experience, was to visit the Highland Silverback Goril- las of the Zaire basin. Poverty and lava structures in Goma, DRC Taking a bumpy 3 hour journey into the Virunga NP, my guide - a local man named Kennedy - and I ventured into I felt frustrated that I would have to out with our machetes and AK-47’s, dense pristine rainforest. Deep lush deal with these guys and see the Goril- we knew roughly where the Gorilla The people of Congo green in colour and truly stretching as las under their jurisdiction, but I soon family group were, but tracking them far as the eye could see, this was also learnt from Kennedy that the defunct was still pure exhilaration. Any bird rebel territory; and the regular check- park rangers had abandoned their or insect that moved fooled me into points as well as gunmen all along the posts a long while ago and in fact these thinking that a Gorilla was upon us, road constantly imposed this on us. rebels had defended the Gorillas with and made me simultaneously tremble These were ex-soldiers under the com- their lives during the recent bouts of with expectation and lock my limbs mand of General Laurent Nkunda, a conflicts. in full photography posture, copiously former army General turned rebel. The expressions on their faces made extending my zoom lens. As we drove on into Virunga, our it clear that I had to tip them as hand- Although these jolts of unjustified jeep nearly ran over a young kid who somely as I could. After some reflec- excitement eventually smoothed out, decided to step into our vehicle’s path the feeling of actually coming across at the last second. A rebel soldier who your first Gorilla is out of this world. witnessed this caused an uproar and As we unwittingly got closer, I heard demanded that the child’s mother be “the feeling of the first surefire sounds of Gorilla ac- brought to him. When she appeared, tivity. It was the delicate patting of the he arrested her on the charge of dis- actually coming huge jaws of one of these gentle beasts. turbing foreigners and being negligent. Next came a huge crash as it broke Despite our protests he demanded a across your first down a tree, followed by the sighting minimum 2 dollar bribe for her release, of rustling leaves. I had to look hard in- and therein I think he exposed the real Gorilla is out of itially amongst the tight undergrowth motivation for the rebellion. but was then able to spot a massive jet Self explanatory Poverty was clearly rife and the dif- this world” black form feeding. ference between the DRC and Rwanda I couldn’t see its face as it had its or Uganda was astounding. Within my tion I came to the conclusion that back to us, but then suddenly upon no- first 2 days there I was able to compare maybe they deserved this, having seen ticing us it turned 180 degrees. In an the DRC to towns in these neighbour- their poor condition and compared it instance it stepped out into the light, ing states, a mere 4-5 kilometres away, to the much better-off Gorilla rang- stopped eating and just gawped at us and see the stark differences. They had ers of Rwanda next door. I was not too in amazement for a precious few sec- the ability to look after their people, comfortable, though, with the knowl- onds. Although I took plenty of photos provide a much better infrastructure edge that my money may be used to of this moment, I had to force myself to and even protect their Gorillas more fund the rebel activity, but Kennedy stop and marvel at the situation. robustly. In the Congo, roads were an- assured me otherwise. This was one of the rarest species on cient; small weak children begged for As expected, rebels appeared in their the planet, numbering only 700, and I empty bottles and pens; and the park droves when I agreed to pay them to was lucky enough to see it and interact rangers were totally clueless. There was escort me through the battle-hardened with it in its natural habitat. How many no local produce here and all goods Virunga forest towards the Goril- people get to do that!? Our group were were imported from Uganda; and this las. This was a much less professional only humble guests in the home of was the most developed region in the service than the one in Rwanda but these majestic creatures and the onus area! I could almost feel the gripping was consequently a lot cheaper and was on us to show them the utmost re- desperation of the people here. less restricted. spect here. Upon arrival at the gate of the Go- I cannot emphasise enough the sheer As we stood in near paralysis, new rilla sanctuary, Kennedy and I were joy of the next part of the experience members of the family group also ap- greeted once again by rebels. Initially – approaching the Gorillas. As we set proached. First came the children, cu- The headquarters of MONUC in Goma Friday 16 May 2008 felix 21 [email protected] Travel

My first Gorilla sighting. He gawps at our group in curiosity

The alphamale Silverback grazes on some leaves

Females grooming The vast rainforest jungles of Congo rious and playful, always wanting to Congo cannot be underestimated, but their community against Hutu rebels NUC headquarters in Goma to try and but alas, even though he agreed to a get close and touch us. Second came as Kennedy exclaimed “I don’t think still active in east DRC following their get some information for myself dur- phone call that night, he did not pick the females, socialising amongst them- our President even knows we have Go- forced removal from Rwanda post the ing this latest round of uncertainty. up as the rebels stepped up engage- selves through grooming and commu- rillas in this country”. This sums up the 1994 genocide there. Posing as a ‘foreign journalist’ (essen- ment with the Congolese army. nicating. Next came the fighting ado- situation here quite neatly, and sadly As usual in conflicts of this nature, tially true as I am now writing this in Kennedy advised me to leave as soon lescents; and then finally the dominant this is not the only challenge facing the pretty soon this faction of the army be- the Felix), I approached the MONUC as possible after that night for my own alpha male Silverback of the group. DRC right now. came rebels and took up arms against headquarters in Goma, hoping that safety and so I left early the next day by He was by far the most imposing fam- Goma, the town where I was based, the government. The problem is now they will be able to tell me something taking a boat across Lake Kivu. Sadly ily member, being the largest, the loud- was one buried under lava after several far beyond the simple initial disagree- of interest that I could take back to this meant that this once-in-a-lifetime est, the most ferocious and the most eruptions from the local Nyiragongo ment and according to recent reports, the settlement of Nkunda supporters scoop for the Felix had to be forsaken! gentle. He had a thick lining of silver volcano. Consisting of a few dusty ash the fighting is still rising in intensity. amongst whom I was temporarily re- Therefore, I left Congo feeling a bit hairs on his back, almost like a crown, filled streets and some stunning lava siding. Fate was on my side as the MO- worthless and slightly upset. From my and we watched him break numerous landscape; there was not too much to NUC staff let me in to meet with the brief visit, life appeared to be made dif- trees to distance himself from us. He do here. To find activity one had to “playing head of PR, who guided me through ficult by many things beyond scarcity. hid in bushes and brooded in corners look beyond its confines and although I the history of the conflict but was tight Estimates of child soldiers are rising before finally coming out into the open had been told to the contrary in neigh- badminton lipped about recent developments. as more of the young take up arms, to thump his barrel chest. All of this bouring Rwanda, the area surrounding Judging by the inactivity of the UN with no reason for them to stop. The made for spectacular viewing and be- it wasn’t totally stable. and having troops who were spending time play- government and the rebels are ratchet- fore we knew it, our designated hour Unexpectedly, General Nkunda and ing badminton and having barbecues, ing up the language on both sides. The with the Gorillas was up and we had to his rebels mentioned above had decid- barbecues, it did it did not seem like the UN was actively most recent reports have also indi- start on our way back to civilisation. ed to launch an attack on government participating beyond providing equip- cated that the very UN troops drafted I was not too happy to find out that troops and the presidential guard in not seem like the ment to the Congolese army. in to aid peace are the ones working the park soon after suffered an out- the local North Kivu region almost im- I took my perceptions from this against it by smuggling gold and ivory break of Ebola virus that claimed 133 mediately after I returned from my Go- UN was actively meeting back to where I lived but no in exchange for providing militias with lives, but in retrospect the risk was rilla visit. This abrupt and unfortunate one I talked to was surprised at the lack ammunition and weapons. worth the intimate photos I got of these development was obviously a source of participating” of UN involvement. Conversely they If someone like me, who as a west- extraordinary beasts. It was unfortu- misery to the locals who wanted noth- were quite excited that a ‘foreign jour- ern tourist passing through, cannot nate that in order to get close enough I ing to do with politics getting out of Resolution is a far cry and this is a sad nalist’ was living amongst them, much see much hope in the near future then had to get Gorilla excrement, the main hand but was, dare I admit it, a new manifestation of the Rwandan conflict to my embarrassment. These were what must the people of Congo who transmitter of Ebola, smeared on my source of excitement for me. spilling over into DRC. resilient Nkunda supporters who had have to face this situation day in day shoes and trousers but like I said, it was Nkunda was a Tutsi who joined the The UN was sent over to this war unknown to me and as chance would out feel? well worth the risk! DRC army under the government’s torn mix to try and aid things. Func- have it seen it fit to organise a meeting I do not know the answer to that as I The endangered Silverback Gorillas ‘mixed brigades’ programme that was tioning under the name of MONUC, between myself and General Nkunda have never lived there, nor have I been currently find themselves in a perilous initiated to absorb local Tutsi groups. its job was to try to bring and maintain in person! brought up there, and people’s happi- situation. Not only is their habitat be- However, recent government orders peace, and to move the DRC towards a This was undeniably quite an excit- ness is not necessarily linked to their ing destroyed at an unprecedented rate meant that these brigades were to be credible election process. Considering ing opportunity and I felt quite the fool levels of consumption and wastage. but they are also facing threats from relocated to other parts of the country, that it was the UN’s largest and most for getting myself more involved than However, I do know that I fell in love poaching and hunting. Last year in the something Nkunda and the soldiers un- expensive mission, hopes were high. necessary, but I didn’t want to turn it with Congo and I do know that there DRC, five members of a family were der him didn’t agree with. They want- I didn’t know any of the above when down. We were scheduled to meet in a is great scope for a lot of change and a shot and killed for no apparent reason. ed to remain deployed in areas close to I arrived. Feeling restricted by the nearby town called Masisi but intense lot of betterment. And in time no one The importance of the Gorillas to the Tutsi community they belonged to, conflict and bewildered amongst the fighting made that impossible. We can say how the situation may change. the natural world and the economy of in order to oversee the protection of sudden military activity, I went to MO- therefore arranged a phone interview Here is sincerely hoping for the best. Need a place to stay this summer? Imperial College London offers accommodation over the summer if you are planning to stay a minimum of 4 weeks

A selection of single rooms are available starting from £95.00 per week

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To book, or for further information, please refer to our website at http://www.imperial.ac.uk/accommodation/ currentstudents/summeraccommodation Friday 16 May 2008 felix 23 Hangman Putting the cat out to dry Felix Editor stabbed twenty-five times in smut-related attack

ondering why this week’s Felix is seem- ingly devoid of inter- Westing material? Aghast that someone has let a couple of com- plete fuckwits loose on an entire page? There’s a simple explanation, Tom Roberts is dead. Details on this brutal and entirely pre-meditated attack have finally been released by the police. He was stabbed in his home a total of 25 times before slowly bleeding to death. 25 being the Shocking as it seems, his skeleton turned out to be plastic... number of editions of Felix this year and therefore the number of missed opportunities for pornographic Page a daily thing. I could set my clock by However, IF it was me that had a 3s. it; every day at 23:15 I could hear Mr grudge against Tom Roberts and IF it His last words are reported to Roberts revelling in the excitement of was me who forced him to watch the have been “gash-balls” but this re- what was either some very entertain- video for Wham’s Club Tropicana 800 porter questions the accuracy of this ing paper-mache session or a wild orgy times before putting him out of his relevation. with his harem of gorgeous but invari- misery I know why I’d want him dead. He had been dead several days before ably under-age female partners”. Look to your left, those are some awe- being discovered. When questioned, As yet, the police have no suspects some Imperial breasts. By failing to his friends said of their complacency but a conspicous Grand Theft Auto provide the dribbling masses with fine over his disappearence “We thought he 3-style trail of bloody footprints from booty in the form of Page 3 smut, Tom was on one of his marathon Pokemon Mr Roberts’ flat to Beit Quad may yet Roberts forfeited his life in the same sessions, last time we disturbed him throw up some leads. way that I forfeited my dignity when I during one of those, I lost an ear”. With no concrete leads, the motives jacked off to an episode of Q.I... twice. A neighbour finally raised the alarm of such an attack remain in the land of If you would like to pay your re- when she realised that she had not speculation. Mr Roberts had no known spects to the deceased Editor, we have heard his roof-raising cries of orgas- enemies, except perhaps personal propped up his body in the Felix office, This Page 3 model is still at Imperial. You have a chance! mic ecstacy for several days. “It was hygiene. you know... just for shits and giggles.

Presidents love themselves Imperial (and each other) very much Kids: Sartorially uncool; fact Researchers have confirmed the ex- istence of an extremely dangerous virus found at Imperial College’s South Kensington Campus. The origin of this virus is un- known to date but some advances have been made in our understand- ing of its mechanism. It somehow blocks transporters of dopamine (the chemical responsible for ‘cool- ness’) to the brain, therefore mas- sively reducing the amount of this The Union President caught embracing his successor chemical reaching the synapses. In non-nerd, that means Imperial are he heat can do strange things to people: it can make them inappro- dressing and styling themselves like priately cheery in the face of exams, even cause them to throw re- tools. Shortly before death, the af- vision to the wind and choose a tan over a degree. In the case of flicted begin wearing shitty t-shirts these two lovely people, the beautiful sunshine has caused romance and getting even worse haircuts, as T to blossom. seen on the left. Jennifer Morgan has been spending a lot of time with Union President Stephen While an antidote is currently be- Brown of late, learning as much as she can from the incumbent before her term ing worked on, there is no known as President begins next year. But after weeks of sexual tension and lustful looks cure at present. Government offi- across the water-cooler it appears that advice isn’t all Stephen’s been giving Jen. cials suggest that students alleviate Not all are pleased about the amount of love in the air, with Deputy President their suffering by getting a) a life; b) (Finance and Services) Chris Larvin voicing concern about the amount of work Please donate to find a cure, he needs your help... desperately a partner c) a mirror. Stephen will get done, now that he’s installed a sex swing in his office. 24 felix Friday 16 May 2008

Fun & Games [email protected] Needy McNeedy: blazing-up London since 1666 Lovin’ it before the big M stole her only catchphrase. Email your problems to: [email protected]

f you have agony, you might Everyone has embarrassing fetishes: Dear Anon. Dear PartyGirl, want to get it checked out by I once had a friend who made special the professionals. Needy Mc- journeys into college at night just to This situation requires one of my all- Us party animals must stick together! Needy specialises in “beating smell the Rector’s chair for a while. Once time favourite things: a party! Throw Some people swear by drinking a bot- I some sense into those who need he even left him a packet of mints. But, a party in either flat, invite all your tle of champers in the bath before bed, it”, with a diploma in those hugs that seriously, exams? You need counselling. friends (I await my email invite eagerly, although I’ve never tried it so this one make you feel all warm and fuzzy in- You could try popping into the toilets not that I won’t already have something comes without the Needy guarantee. I side (she’d refer to herself as “cuddly” outside the Great Hall and knocking better to do that evening.), make some find chilled Lucozade Sport is a must in a personal ad and everyone knows one out before the exam just to reduce jugs of extremely strong Pimms and (get the bottle that you can tip upside that means fat). To check these quali- the fervour of the excitement, or even do wait… either until you “discover” them down without spilling so you can lie fications, email her on agony.felix@ it in the exam if you can be quick and at it in the airing cupboard or you’re so semi supine and still drink), but the ab- imperial.ac.uk. discrete, although please try not to get intoxicated that you don’t care about solute best cure for a hangover is slow shpaff on your exam paper, because I’ve asking them why they don’t just get it all sex: the endorphins with quell even the asked some lecturers and the general out in the open if they’re going to make most potent headache. You need to find Dear Needy McNeedy, consensus is that it’s probably not a de- it so bloody obvious. someone who will ignore your hangover sirable bribe for good marks. musk and doesn’t mind getting a bit I had my first exam the other day, and Needy xxx fresh the morning after. I was so stressed trying to remember Needy xxx everything I needed to know. It was Needy xxx such a relief to finally get in the exam Dear Needy McNeedy, hall and let it all out that I got a huge Dear Needy McNeedy, erection. In the exam! I’m pretty sure I I get the worst hangovers ever. It’s now wasn’t really turned on by the paper or My flatmate has recently started a rela- summer party season, and I seriously anything, just I felt a rush of relief and tionship with a girl in a flat nearby. All can’t cope with lying in bed all day after [Dear Reader, then I got quite hard. It was so embar- of us in the two flats get on really well a single glass of dry white at every bar- I would like to point out that rassing and completely put me off the with each other, but my problem is that beque I attend. I like to go out a lot but the second problem in last exam, I wasted a lot of time thinking they seem to like separating themselves I’ve got a project to do which means I week’s column was a hoax, of unsexy things (like maths) trying to off thinking that we don’t know what is need to be in college every day. It’s not probably planted by the maniac relax. How can I stop this from hap- going on. How do I get them to inte- like I even drink that much the night from the horoscopes section. pening again? grate back as I just want to tell them before! What’s your advice for curing If you have any real finance that we all know what is going on? the most awful hangovers? related questions, sod off to an FreakedOut investment bank seminar. Anon. PartyGirl Needy xxx] Dear FreakedOut H to the o, r, o, sizzle copes – it’s the Horoscopes

Aquarius Taurus Leo Scorpio

This week you Against all advice This week you You find that life as realise you can’t and rational judge- find out that being a fat, impotent guy be mates with the ment, you travel to pushed down a is slightly boring. guy across the hall Austria. You eye up flight of stairs isn’t The only erection anymore. He has a all Austrian men as actually that bad. in your life is that fucking motorbike, possible abductors You find yourself of your horny cat, leathers and a flat-top haircut. Anytime I come and find your heart problem exacerbated as flying across fields of gold like that time you who seems to get more hot ass than you. You within a hundred miles of him, I look like a you fail to find a calm moment. Against all took crystal meth in lectures. But what’s that? begin to wonder how many bestiality-obsessed douche-fag by comparison. Yeh I watch Pow- odds you make it home without been impris- A blinding light – you hear faraway voices girls are at Imperial and you have the best erthirst, GODBERRY! KING OF THE JUICE. oned, raped or hacked to death by an axe, telling you to come back. You flee the light, idea. Cover yourself in fur, take some viagra So we’re buds now? Wanna go on holiday? but then your room-mate pushes you down a return to life but find yourself completely and jump out from the bushes at some girls. You’ve got one booked already? Cunt. flight of stairs. impotent as a result of your injuries, HA! Remember it’s not rape if you yell ‘surprise!’

Pisces Gemini Virgo Sagittarius

Mountain Dew, Hours later you Post-apocalyptic Oh yeh btw the the most awesome awake dazed with a impotence isn’t police and legal drink in the world. melon-sized lump nearly as fun as you system take a dim Second only to the on your face, where thought it would view of rape. Oh I triple-distilled urine your nose used to be. It’s as bad as didn’t mention, soz of your lecturer. be. You stagger back that night you spent dude. After 15 years This week he notices you collecting his piss to your room to phone an ambulance, worried listening to the guy next door fucking his in prison you come out with a fresh outlook in a bottle and slashes your grades. After that no-one found you or that they didn’t labrador. You almost call the NSPCC but then on life, and a new motto too. ‘Dead girls can’t unsuccessfully pleading with him you decide bother to help. You pick up your mobile and realised that it’s for kids. Come to think of it say no’. 14 deaths later and you’ve made quite a the only way to redeem yourself is through notice there’s no signal. In addition to all these your neighbours name is Fritzy and ‘orphans’ name for yourself. Teachers at school who said an elaborate web of deceit and lies which lead problems you look out the window and notice keep being left at his door. You take the law you would never make it must be sorry now. inevitably to the consumption of faeces. that the apocalypse has come. into your own hands and violently rape him. Well you’ve got them locked in your basement.

Aries Cancer Libra Capricorn

This week it’s your The building is You finish with his This week, OMGZ birthday but being a empty, apparently elderly bodice and THERES NO POLI- sad, lonely fucker it everyone has gone run to the basement TICS SECTION passes uneventfully. to heaven except and find, not an THIS WEEK, gash- Instead you dream YOU. Oh and that imprisoned family balls. You hardly of gashing some ho guy in the corridor. but an alternate even notice because in the face when you realise “hey I’m being Oh no it’s your paedophilic Uncle and he’s universe where everybody literally looks like your interest in the outer world goes only as far really mysognistic and I’m actually ashamed”. touching himself, sigh. You’re stuck for muppets. One of next year’s Sabbs looks like a as “yeh man the slopes in the alps are bear safe.” When you confide this to a female passer-by, eternity with a guy who eyed you up as a child shrimp. There I said it, so what! You know it, Speak like a normal person you posh fucking for a moment you connect with another soul, with nothing to do but masturbate. To pass the I know it, even he knows it. The question is, twat. You might feel smug because you voted but then you just gash her in the face anyway. time you set upon him with a cheese grater. what are we going to do about it? Boris but deep inside I know you have no soul Friday 16 May 2008 felix 25 [email protected] Fun & Games

Slitherlink 1,403 1,402 solution lines between the dots to create one common place to start on a Slith- long, and most importantly, looping erlink grid is by drawing crosses line. It should have no start or finish; around any zeros. Drawing crosses 2 2 33 just like an elastic band. is purely done to so that you know Each number indicates how many where there can’t possibly be a line. 3 3 3 2 12 1 322 3 lines should be drawn around it, for So, take the pattern below as an ex- 22 2 2 3 example: ample. Begin by drawing crosses, 2 2 1 3 2 1 3 122 then by filling in some lines: 13 22 0 1 2 3 3 21 2 3 1 2 0 2 3 x 3 2 2 2 2 Cells which don’t contain a number x x 2 2 2 2 2 0 3 21 1 can be surrounded by any number of x 3 33 33 lines. 1 2 3 Remember, the line must form a The winner of Slitherlink 1,402 was loop, so the line cannot branch. The Hringur Gretarsson yet again! Awe- following situations are not allowed: 1 2 3 1 1 some cheesecake with blackcurrent Now the lines can only continue in puree and a cinnamon biscuit base. the following directions: 3 1 2 2 2 2 2 We’ll give a prize out in the summer. The more entries, the better your 2 2 3 1 2 3 2 1 chances. How to play: x 3 x 0 x 3 2 Crudely speaking, Slitherlink is simi- Squares are not allowed either. There x lar to Minesweeper mixed with a are never cells containing the number 3 3 3 dash of Sudoku. 4 in Slitherlink. The object of the game is to draw So, where do you start? The most

Wordoku 1,403 This week’s texts: “Private accom!!!”

O G “Maybe the dimethyltryptamine molecules are fuckin’ psychoki- Z M I O T netic... Move to my demand and induce a state-a-mind hallucino- genic... Diffusin outta the grass in M Z C lil gangs of eight and nine... Flowin’ thru my nasal cavity, they raidin’ M Y my mind... Nah, prob’ly just the 1,402 Solution Wordoku is identical to Sudoku; same shit, in your cranium you’ll G Y A T I O we’ve just replaced numbers with find...” R T A C E I S R F letters. Once you’ve completed 07980 148 785 A G I E R A S F C O T the puzzle, there is a hidden word “...AMAZING FACTS... S C F O R T E A I to find. Email answers to sudoku. . A Z Y T R S I A E F C O [email protected] TEXT US! OR Fact 1: u cannot touch your lower F A C T O R I S E lip with your tongue...” The winner of Wordoku E I O F C S A T R WE WON’T 1,402 was Fu-Howe Lee. “bruv I rolled the ronak of all zuts O Y I G Z R F E S T A O I C Congratulations! The hidden FEED THE CAT! 4 monday. proper chunky one. lol.” A O T E I C R F S word was: FACTORISE. Keep M C C S I R F O T E A those entries coming in.

Adlib by Tevong You www.tevong.co.uk 26 felix Friday 16 May 2008

Sport [email protected] ICBC squads intensify training in France

Continued from back page tasting excursion was a fitting warm up Mackenzie & Anna and Andy & Mike. to what lay ahead. Shower caps were distributed to John The novi were split into teams of four ‘The Handbrake’ Davey and Dan ‘The Day 2 – Let the pain begin and pitted against each other. I formed Bicep’ Everall for some undisclosed The change for daylight savings com- a quarter of the highly competitive nocturnal shenanigans. I humbly ac- bined with the time zone difference women’s team. On the clock and at a cepted the inaugural Duffy Award of a resulted in a befuddled bunch of row- searing pace we gulped and chomped box of nails for continuing to row, de- ers at 7 am on Sunday morning. Not our way through station one, consum- spite having involuntarily donated half quite awake yet, we desperately tried to ing a baguette, an onion, a clove of gar- my hand to the aquatic vertebrates of comprehend the freezing air and pitch lic and a bottle of wine. Striding into the river. A proud moment for Duffys black conditions while freshly applied the lead we hit station two performing across Ireland. suncream melted and dripped from a four-man square press-up. Craving Donning shower caps, goggles and our faces in the drizzling rain. Much to something sweet to finish off our meal handbags, ICBC celebrated a success- our disappointment, similar conditions at station one, gentleman Will McFar- ful week with a trip to the Castle bar were expected for most of the week. land took excessive pleasure in brand- across the road for a ‘quiet’ drink, or The training schedule involved three ing the letters ICBC in cream on our two, or maybe a few more. sessions a day, two in the morning bodies and instructing us to lick it off and one in the afternoon. Some brave each other. Day 8 – Shaped up and shipping troopers knuckled down to revision be- De-creamed and decorum-free we out tween outings while the rest of us en- dashed to the riverside and into a scull- The final day had arrived and our last gaged in some activities such as biking, ing boat for round three. One member outing was scheduled for 8:00 am. kayaking, blister repair and extreme Carlos Schuster getting creamed by Will McFarland had to scull and the other coxed while After sweating out a few time trials power sleeping. Crews and boats were downing a glass of wine. Out around down the river we paddled back, and varied throughout the week introduc- the yellow buoy where cox and scull- began derigging and loading the boats ing club members to a wide range of American girl Anna Jones was bidding quarantine early on, seeking comfort er switched seats and sculled back to onto the trailers. Breakfast was an rowing and sculling techniques. farewell to her teenage years and we in bowls of Lipton tea while Mackenzie swap with the other team members. emotional time having formed strong Some of the afternoon sessions were celebrated with a club trip to the lo- Clavin reported hallucinating during We finished the water race in record bonds with Coco Pops, Miel pops, the land-based, making use of the weight cal vineyard. Our French translators the time trial. Kate Wylie was struck time while the boys were still trying to occasional Choco Flake, hot chocolate training facility, gym, pool and sauna. Charles Sanders and Junior World by tedonitis of the wrist while Carlos figure out what the second oar was for. and of course, the endless supply of ba- The centre itself was very impressive Mime Champion Ludo Garreau were Schuster was struck with ‘a pain in With victory in sight the final stages guettes. Coaches and boats departed with ensuite accommodation, catered at hand to tell us when it was and the back of my knee’. Blisters were dis- involved lashing our blistered hands early for the long drive home while the meals and a complimentary laundry wasn’t appropriate to start drinking. cussed and compared for location, size in alcohol and high fiving Rob Manton rest of had the day to unwind. service. After a brief sniffing competition, a and density. Carrots could be peeled before washing down yet another bot- ICBC members sprawled their weary After-dinner entertainment usually pleasant stroll around the manufactur- with our bare hands as they hardened tle of wine and contorting our bodies bodies across the grass where flesh involved scrutinising video of the day’s ing area and some mandatory oohing into callouses. An infected foot blister to spell the letters ICBC. Dripping with was revealed, sun cream was applied rowing to improve our technique. De- and ahhing at the undulating topogra- forced Andy Forrester off the water wine, faces sticky from cream-licking and Kieron broke out the champagne spite Steve’s informative narration and phy of wine barrels, our patience was and into the emergency room where he and emitting a strange garlic/onion in style. critique of the video, most minds were rewarded. was prescribed antibiotics for the rest odour, we took first place earning some In the late afternoon four of the larger focused on whose muscles looked big- The age-old wine tasting process of the week. Reams of used micropo- well deserved beer and gum. paddle boats were strung together in a ger and how better to expose their own of See, Swirl, Sniff, Sip, Savour was rous and electrical tape, empty tubes of The concoction of sunlight, wine, makeshift raft and we floated down the sculpted features for the next outing. replaced by ICBC’s preferred ‘down antiseptic cream and bottles of Dettol onion, garlic and beer successfully river with our mini picnic of biscuits, With great intentions for the nights the hatch’ approach. First came the piled high. And that was just my room, blurred the lines of reality and caution beer and wine. The entertainment activities, physical exhaustion won ‘catch’ where eager outstretched hands after the first day. was thrown to the wind. Also thrown was provided by seat-racers whom we out with few remaining conscious for competed to claim the freshly poured to the wind (or rather into the freezing didn’t distract at all. movie watching or a few drinks at the glasses. This was immediately followed Day 7 – Initiaition Carnage river) were coxes, coaches and rowers Like all good things, camp had come local. by the ‘drive’ as wine was hurtled down Friday was the last full day of rowing alike. The slightest movement or mis- to an end. The coach arrived and after the esophagus. Next was the ‘extrac- camp and the sun had finally made an placed eye contact initiated a Lord of a scenic route to the airport it was just Day 3 – Beach Bum tion’ as upended glasses were removed appearance. Some Deeps-style ‘strip- the Flies type pursuit. Coaches Nigel fifteen minutes before check-in closed On Monday night Exeter University from the throat before winding down page’ ensued and some questionable Atkinss and Ross Smitheson meekly when we arrived. Boat Club, also training at the centre, at the ‘finish’ by clinking empty ves- footage of her ‘technique’ was filmed retreated to the trailers, Nigel impres- Rumours of cheese being confiscated had a club-only celebration at the bar. sels onto the counter for refilling. The in the morning sessions. With the af- sively entangling himself around the at security had ICBC members franti- ICBC members were only too willing ‘recovery’ would come much later and ternoon off, revising, sunbathing and trailer’s beams before giving in to the cally unwrapping and chomping down to show some support on the night. be a more unpleasant affair with much snoozing were the day’s main activi- wine-soaked mob. Deeps thrashed on their baguettes supplied earlier by Although rain was prevalent for the body-swing and rock-over reported ties. Erica Thompson and myself re- herself about like a fish out of water the camp caterers. Exhausted, aching initial days of camp the evenings were overnight. turned to the water confident enough while Selina repeatedly demonstrated and blistered we arrived at Gatwick mild. Pleasant temperatures permitted Having thoroughly assessed the ch- in our water skills to jump in a pair of her leg-press capabilities to the bit- Airport late on Saturday night and Ben Newland to take his stool out of arcter and complexity of every bottle kayaks with our double-bladed pad- ter end; but neither could escape the went our separate ways to recuperate... the bar and down to the beach before on offer, some period of time passed dles. We eventually made it down to drenching. before training on Monday. closing time. Despite this premature and we staggered back to the bus. Al- the dam despite the kayaks’ best efforts With calm temporarily restored and Great people make great memories evacuation, Ben still managed to leave ready weakened knees were barely able to randomly spin us anti-clockwise; initiation residue showered off, it was and with images of Richard Winches- his mark on the night which offered to carry the crates of wine onboard. which we later attributed to our bow- time for the last supper before depar- ter experimenting with facial hair and a welcome release from the intense Much of the wine was purchased as side-edness and nothing to do with our ture the next day. The novice boys a sighting of Ross in lycra, this was a training. gifts for home with this status being kayaking skills. were each presented with a delightful week that will require a lot of psychi- reviewed as the week went on. Upon our return and sore from an handbag to accentuate the feminine atric hours to forget. All of the crews Day 4 – Thirsty Work afternoon of hilarity it transpired that qualities they had been displaying all moved on significantly over the week, After two tough water sessions on Days 5 & 6 – Dropping like flies the senior men’s squad had been very week. Mogens Mathiesen and John as demonstrated by ICBC’s domina- Tuesday morning, including several 2 As the days passed, the crew lists short- busy plotting the novice initiation. Dick looked particularly fetching on tion of the BUSA Sprints on April 20th. km time trials, the afternoon was set ened and the injured/ill list length- ‘Preparation’ is one of Steve’s top-five the night. Goggles and swimming We look forward to a highly successful aside for a club activity. ICBC’s token ened. Emma Murray was confined to training buzz words, and so the wine hats were awarded to pair-swimmers summer season of racing!

Iain Palmer is launched into the river Novice women at wine tasting Friday 16 May 2008 felix 27 [email protected] Sport Imperial’s Kendo Club in combat galore

Tim Simpson Capt. Myoshi showed how best to cut with a good cut to the men. Takayuki wrists and heads, and the other mem- was out, but with a well deserved third It’s been a busy couple of weeks for bers of our team fighting their oppo- medal. Finally, in a show stopper Theo the honourable members of the Kendo nents to draws. Our next foes were the Rutter (2nd Dan) managed to over- Club. Just before the Easter Break the UCL team- who had a formidable mix come Nagumo (4th Dan) of Oxford in team marched off to Cambridge to of grades and experience. Unfortunate- a final that went into encho (overtime take part in the annual UK University ly this team proved too much for our “first cut wins”). Therefore Mr. Rutter Competition. Imperial was off to try to number to contain and we lost by two lays claim to being the best Dan-grade best our showing of a year previously matches. Due to the vagaries of on-the- University student in the country. Not where we claimed joint third with some spot re-organisation, where once we surprising really as he is on the British lesser university (methinks it was Ox- would have gone on for further fights, National team and was competing at ford…). The team consisted of a mix of the pool system was dropped meaning the European Championship ... dan grades, Takayuki Myoshi (Taisho), that Imperial was out of the competi- In our next outing the team took part Theo Rutter (2nd in command and tion, which UCL went on to win. in the first London Cup (organised by winner of ACC Full Colours), Gareth Luckily all was not lost, as after lunch the University of the Arts, London). A Morris (proud holder of a large beard) the individual matches took place. Re- fantastically charged event with over and two ikkyus (Christos Argryakis venge was had as both Tim Simpson 170 competitors from across Europe, and Tim Simpson). and Christos Argryakis progressed including national teams from Italy, The team competition began in ear- to the quarter finals of the kyu grade Portugal, and Sweden this competi- nest after a stern lecture from a visiting competition (beating UCL opponents tion was spread over two days. Unfor- Japanese 7th Dan who laid down the previously seen in the team matches). tunately, injury and unforeseen events rules and tried to get some semblance But the best was yet to come. Takayuki meant two of our number couldn’t of discipline on the bunch of unruly Myoshi and Theo Rutter progressed all attend as planned. Nevertheless, un- students. First up our team came up the way to the later stages of the dan daunted, and with a member of the against one from Oxford- who we hap- grade competition. In the semi, Theo Madrid kendo club standing in (name pily managed to beat. Theo Rutter and just pipped Takayuki to the victory of Yolanda Rubio) our team (featur- ing Chris Tang, Tim Simpson, Eugene Baxter, and Pichit Hongsaranagon) did battle against that very same Madrid kendo club. Unfortunately fate did not shine on us that day, and although we put up a good fight gaining two draws and with one of the newbies (Eugene) to the shiai court scoring an excellent kote against his opponent, our more able adversaries won the day. A pity but still a good learning experience. The team competition was won by the Italian National Team, who through- out the competition had been getting perfect scores. The individuals the next day proved slightly more fruitful. Tim Simpson managed to scare his opponent from the ring twice, winning a point that meant he moved to the next round. Unhappily, he then encountered a dan grade of UCL (Stephane Helstroffer) who managed to overcome his block- ing and end his winning streak with a cut to the wrist and head. This chap then went on to win joint third place overall, whilst first place went to H. Miyatake of Wakaba club, London. So all in all a mixed bag of goodies. Some won, some lost with a little bit of Pichet versus Jordan glory for the club garnered on the way. The Kendo team looking pretty mean

Crossword No. 1,403 Answers to: [email protected]

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 ACROSS DOWN 1 Small Spanish cape makes a run 1 Imitate being dead; after a flightless 8 for it (6) bird (7) 4 Shouldn’t touch the tip of strong 2 Frank movie director (5) 9 10 dynamite (7) 3 One part hen, one part reveals 9 HIGHER TRIAL (9) Greek monument (9) 10 Eskimo is in it around you (5) 4 One rousing start can be 11 To shame a party (5) burdensome (7) Congratulations to this week’s winners, 11 12 12 Information I’m familiar with on 5 Barbecue question (5) The Burnt Face Men. the ridge (9) 6 ed (9) Tell me: are the crosswords getting bet- 13 Former wife’s original colour has th ter, or am I just deluding myself? died out (7) 7 Noble idiot took charge (6) 13 14 15 16 15 Serious cut on Edward’s head (6) 8 Steal alien coat (6) Enoch 17 Allows both Avram and Ulysses (6) 14 Soundly beat an aged entrance (9) 19 In addition to that, Sidney was 16 Dream of Aryan origins makes one Solution to Crossword 1,402 covered in bees (7) a prophet (9) I M P R O V I N G A B W S N C 17 18 19 20 22 Killed American mothers are holy 18 Crap spy rounded up, but still has A A A E A I M O E G R O T T O (9) fighting spirit (7) 21 P R O V O K I N G N E O E A N 24 Twist a rope as a Wagnerian 19 Bird can move around me (6) O O O A S I T P C B A N A N A artform (5) 20 Red wound for hire (7) C O M M I N G L E L K L M M R 22 23 24 25 26 All around a fight (5) 21 Weaken pixie gas (6) I N E P D G O U D A D R I F T 27 Real vampires sear without being 23 Change what sounds like a religious G A S T S E I S O L O S R I I primitive (9) table (5) E P I T H E T N E W T O N S 28 Bolshevik force translates ‘Ready, 25 Heartless football team of Elrond’s R R G H A N S H E O N I N A T 26 27 Mr?’ (3,4) kin (5) M I N I M A E A E A E J L S S 29 Sound ring of baby swan (6) I O A P B A A D U L T E R E R N E T T L E I D S B A R S N O A P O T I R S O L I P S I S M 28 29 T H R O N E I C O O R E I E M RE T Y A G S S K I N N Y D I MP Send in your sport reports: felix [email protected] sport High resolution photos only Sun’s out, guns out

Christina Duffy outdoor games sports centre at Le Temple sur Lot, two hours northwest of Day 1 – Arrival Toulouse. As the standard of conversa- Shiny new bikinis were purchased tion rapidly deteriorated mile by mile, and legs were waxed in anticipation it wasn’t soon enough that we reached of ICBC’s week-long training camp in the centre. Coaches Steve ‘Want to see Toulouse – but Nigel Atkins and Ki- my gold medal?’ Trapmore and James eron Turkington weren’t the only ones Blackley had arrived the previous day excitedly preparing for camp. Lycra to make our beds and put mints on the and electrical tape shortages were re- pillows after driving from London with ported across London due to the mass the boats. Rooms were assigned and exodus of all ICBC squads. boats were rigged in time for a quick After a short flight from Gatwick water session. airport on Saturday morning we were whisked from Toulouse airport to the Continued on page 26 Imperial men’s rugby win Middlesex Sevens

Chris Lau Fletcher scoring a hat-trick, without reply from LSE, bringing a close fought A hot sunny day on the 3rd May saw game to an end with the final score Imperial College’s 7’s team arrive at of 29-17 to Imperial. A no show from Richmond for the 3rd annual Mid- Southbank meant that we had topped dlesex 7’s Student Competition. With the group and were through top the fi- perfect conditions for 7’s & a runners nal vs. GKT (Kings’ Medic Scum). up spot here last year, a youthful Impe- The final was played on the same rial team were in high hopes. We were pitch as the Varsity game, and with drawn in a group comprising Kingston, many of the team having lost to Medic LSE & Southbank, knowing that if we Scum on this pitch before, it was not came top we would once again be in something we wanted to happen again. the final. With Imperial fired up for this chance The 1st game against Kingston of silverware, we started off brilliantly started shakily due to our lack of 7’s with Joe Brown scoring twice immedi- practice, with Kingston putting early ately after kick-off. We dominated the pressure on us. However this didn’t game being ruthless in attack & tight last long & we started to dominate in defence with Joe Brown scoring an- with tries from Joe Brown (3), James other 2 tries, Freddie Chalke scoring 2 Fletcher (2), Chris Lau & Remi Wil- & James Fletcher scoring 1. GKT man- liams. Kingston managed to get back a aged to get 2 consolation tries meaning try to give a comfortable score line of a resounding final score of 47-12 and 45-7 to Imperial College. Imperial College crowned as champi- The 2nd game was against LSE. The ons of the Middlesex 7’s Student Men’s game started off badly with LSE scor- Competition for the 1st time. ing straight from the kick-off. Tom Led by the Skipper the team strode Coggrave pulled one back but LSE up to receive the Cup, a plaque & a scored again from a disappointing try bottle of wine. Special mention goes bringing the half-time score, 2 tries to to Freddie Chalke’s mum for provid- 1 in favour of LSE. After the half-time ing a delicious hamper of food for the talk & a few changes we immediately team for which she received the bottle scored another try through Joe Brown of wine from a grateful team. With this but LSE once again scored another dis- renowned title under our belt and the appointing try from the resulting kick- strength throughout the club, Imperial off. We finally pulled ourselves togeth- College can look forward to more sil- er after that try with Captain James verware in the future. Captain James Fletcher with the squad collecting their trophy