Everyone's Fine with Virginia Woolf
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EVERYONE’S FINE WITH VIRGINIA WOOLF BY KATE SCELSA DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE INC. EVERYONE’S FINE WITH VIRGINIA WOOLF Copyright © 2019, Kate Scelsa All Rights Reserved EVERYONE’S FINE WITH VIRGINIA WOOLF is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention, the Universal Copyright Convention, the Berne Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), or stored in any retrieval system in any way (electronic or mechanical) without written permission of the publisher. The English language stock and amateur stage performance rights in the United States, its territories, possessions and Canada for EVERYONE’S FINE WITH VIRGINIA WOOLF are controlled exclusively by Dramatists Play Service, 440 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016. No professional or nonprofessional performance of the Play may be given without obtaining in advance the written permission of Dramatists Play Service and paying the requisite fee. All other rights, including without limitation motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, and the rights of translation into foreign languages are strictly reserved. Inquiries concerning all other rights should be addressed to HCKR Agency, 214 West 29th Street, Suite 1203, New York, NY 10001. Attn: Mary Harden. NOTE ON BILLING Anyone receiving permission to produce EVERYONE’S FINE WITH VIRGINIA WOOLF is required to give credit to the Author as sole and exclusive Author of the Play on the title page of all programs distributed in connection with performances of the Play and in all instances in which the title of the Play appears, including printed or digital materials for advertising, publicizing or otherwise exploiting the Play and/or a production thereof. Please see your production license for font size and typeface requirements. Be advised that there may be additional credits required in all programs and promotional material. Such language will be listed under the “Additional Billing” section of production licenses. It is the licensee’s responsibility to ensure any and all required billing is included in the requisite places, per the terms of the license. SPECIAL NOTE ON SONGS/RECORDINGS Dramatists Play Service neither holds the rights to nor grants permission to use any songs or recordings mentioned in the Play. Permission for performances of copyrighted songs, arrangements or recordings mentioned in this Play is not included in our license agreement. The permission of the copyright owner(s) must be obtained for any such use. For any songs and/or recordings mentioned in the Play, other songs, arrangements, or recordings may be substituted provided permission from the copyright owner(s) of such songs, arrangements or recordings is obtained; or songs, arrangements or recordings in the public domain may be substituted. 2 For Amanda and Mom and Dad EVERYONE’S FINE WITH VIRGINIA WOOLF was produced by Elevator Repair Service (John Collins, Artistic Director; Ariana Smart Truman, Producer) at Abrons Arts Center in New York City in June 2018. It was directed by John Collins, the scenic design was by Louisa Thompson, the costume design was by Kaye Voyce, the lighting design was by Ryan Seelig, the sound design was by Ben Williams, the special properties design was by Amanda Villalobos, and the stage manager was Maurina Lioce. The cast was as follows: GEORGE WASHINGTON .............................................. Vin Knight MARTHA WASHINGTON ................................. Annie McNamara NICK SLOANE ................................................................ Mike Iveson HONEY SLOANE ......................................................... April Matthis CARMILLA, PhD CANDIDATE* ..................... Lindsay Hockaday * In the program for the original production, the Vampire was billed as “CARMILLA, PhD CANDIDATE” to avoid spoiling the Vampire’s appearance. The author strongly suggests using the same trick in future programs. 4 CHARACTERS GEORGE WASHINGTON An English professor, specializing in the work of Tennessee Williams. Martha’s husband. MARTHA WASHINGTON A woman with ambition. George’s wife. NICK SLOANE A professor and slash fiction writer. Honey’s husband. HONEY SLOANE A woman with no ambition (currently). Nick’s wife. THE VAMPIRE A feminist vampire and grad student. SETTING Acts One and Two: George and Martha’s living room and kitchen. Act Three: The road to hell. 5 EVERYONE’S FINE WITH VIRGINIA WOOLF ACT ONE Scene 1 Martha and George’s living room. The front door opens. George is standing in the doorway, staring at the living room. It’s a mess. GEORGE. What a dump. Martha pushes George aside and enters through the front door singing. She immediately starts straightening up the messy living room, mostly shoving things under couch cushions, into drawers, etc. MARTHA. (Singing.) Everyone’s fine with Virginia Woolf. Virginia Woolf. Virginia Woolf. Everyone’s fine with Virginia Woolf. La la la de da. GEORGE. Martha… MARTHA. (Still singing.) I’m totes cool with Virginia Woolf. She’s my bitch. I love her. I like how she was super gay. La la la de da. GEORGE. Make me a drink, Martha. MARTHA. (Still fussing around the room.) Look, some people are coming over, because I invited them, because they seem fun and we 7 never have any fun anymore. I just want to be those kinds of people for just one night, okay? Those people who go to a party but then the party keeps going. They can’t stop the party ever. Until someone says something stupid and someone’s feelings get hurt and then you go to bed crying uncontrollably and asking your god for literally any kind of assistance she can muster, but, listen to me, that bitch is busy. That. Bitch. Is. BUSY. GEORGE. I’ll make my own drink. George closes the front door behind him, goes to the bar, makes himself a drink. MARTHA. This couple that I just met at Daddy’s party—I think there’s a chance for a swap, okay, so don’t fuck this up for me. I’ll take either one of them. I don’t care. Just, please please leave the option open. Don’t say anything stupid, like, “My wife and I are totally monogamous and would never think of doing some kind of either heterosexual or homosexual swap with another couple that we met at a party.” Please, for the love of Athena, do not say anything like that, okay, George? GEORGE. (Talking to his drink.) Why am I being chastised? MARTHA. Don’t start with that. Don’t start with “beaten down man who secretly has the upper hand.” I told these people all of our secrets at the party to get them out of the way, so now we can just have a nice time and pretend that we’re young and don’t just secretly want to go to bed. GEORGE. What did you tell them? MARTHA. You’re totally gay and I’m a little gay. We have an imaginary son and an imaginary dog and I loved the dog more and you killed the son. And your parents. You have your job because of my father and you hate it and I’ve never had a job. Because of my father. And I love it. GEORGE. Did you tell them about the plants? MARTHA. Which part? GEORGE. (Suddenly furious.) How you couldn’t keep a goddam fucking plant alive if your life fucking depended on it? Even though you have nothing else to do ALL DAY besides not KILL PLANTS. 8 MARTHA. I didn’t tell them that. So for fuck’s sake, don’t bring up the plants!!! Goddammit I knew something was going to go wrong tonight. The doorbell rings. That’s them! (Sings.) I’m super in-to my own bo-dy. My own bo-dy. My own bo-dy. She opens the door. Nick and Honey are standing there. (Still singing.) I’m super in-to my own bo-dy. And soon you will be too. NICK. This is where the afterparty is, I presume? Mr. and Mrs. Sloane, at your service. HONEY. I’m not pregnant. I just found out. MARTHA. I kill plants. (To herself.) Fuuuuuuuck. (To them.) Not on purpose. I’ve never been pregnant. Not even with an idea. Please come in. They come in. Martha takes their coats. NICK. (Jovial.) I was pregnant once, but only in fiction. I used to write fan fiction, and then I moved on to slash fiction, which is fan fiction where you make everyone gay even if they’re not. (To Martha.) I believe I mentioned this earlier at the party? MARTHA. Oh yes. FASCINATING. NICK. (To George, excited to share more.) Well! Then there’s this thing called mpreg where you write about preexisting fictional male characters having sex with each other and then getting pregnant. For example, a werewolf and a vampire from a popular vampire- centric franchise; maybe their names are Jacob and Emmett? I don’t know, it’s just an example. But I was spending a lot of time writing stories for the slash fiction community messageboard, and it was also this thing called Mary Sue where one of the characters is a thinly veiled version of yourself, and you’re really just writing it for your own pleasure, as your own secret kind of fantasy that maybe you should have kept to yourself. And this is really looked down on in the community because it’s not seen as generous. And the slash fan fiction community is really into generosity for some reason.