The Solve It Squad Takes a Chill Pill!

written by

Brian Rosenthal, Corey Lubowich, & Joey Richter

Tin Can Bros V1 COLD OPEN

1 INT. SOLVE IT SQUAD CLUBHOUSE - DAY 1 Scrags is passing out new case files. Gwen furrows her brow as she taps away at her phone. Esther’s eyes are glazed over and a strand of drool drips from their mouth. Keith takes a page from the case file to fold into a paper football. SCRAGS The next case on our docket involves none other than the Sugar Daddy Snack Cake Corporation. The manager of the plant walked into a cake-tastrophe this morning and they suspect foul play. The donut hole machine-- KEITH Love me some of Sugar Daddy’s Tasty Holes. SCRAGS I'm sure you do. So, the donut hole machine is malfunctioning and adding an extra hole to the–- GWEN (not even looking up from her phone) Aren’t those just tiny donuts? SCRAGS What? GWEN Donut holes with holes in them? It’s literally a tiny donut. Sugar Daddy can still sell them and we can pass on this case and I can get back to re-theming my website using the sleek and intuitive features of Squarespace. Hashtag: not a sponsor... yet! Keith flicks the paper football into Esther’s mouth, and they startle awake. ESTHER Excuse you! I was power napping over here. Do you realize how dangerous it is to interrupt a REM cycle?? I could've killed you. 2.

SCRAGS Oh, I’m sorry, I don't remember changing my name to Captain Snooze- Fest. Gwen, we're not in a position to pass on cases. Keith, stop it with the origami. And Esther, why don’t you stand up so you don’t sleep through any more important exposition. Esther stands up and tries to pace around the room, but their legs crumble beneath them and they collapse. SCRAGS (CONT'D) What's wrong with your legs? ESTHER They’re just so exhausted from carrying this entire team. KEITH Got 'em! SCRAGS Oh please, Esther. The case last week–- ESTHER -–was my last case of Four Loko. And I had to kill it to solve that bank heist. And that was on top of my normal cocktail of phennies, demmies, buttons, and percs! They pull out a handful of blue pills, crush them on the table and snort it all in one go. ESTHER (CONT'D) See? A week’s worth of study buddies, and nothing. I hate to admit it but I think it’s finally time... for me to take a sober day. Reset my tolerance. A full reboot. I just feel like a zombie. Esther slumps back on the floor, ass up in the air. KEITH We’re all tired, busy, and horny. You don’t get to take a break from being a grownup! 3.

Keith flicks the paper football into Esther’s asscrack. Scrags immediately removes the paper, unfolds it, and places it back in the case file. SCRAGS I'm with Keith here. GWEN Oh big surprise! The men have decided how we should feel! You know what Esther? I feel like a zombie too! A zombie with a to-do list! I’m just expected to trudge along, in an undead state, eating the brains of my kids, the brains of my career, the brains of keeping the Squad relevant on TikTok... Plus things have been sorta strained with Nicholas, and I’m not even sure that I should keep eating his brains... SCRAGS This analogy is getting out of hand. Gwen, people are counting on us. So, we need to buck up, put on a happy face, and power through to avoid the growing emptiness deep inside. GWEN I didn’t even rank on the Peloton leaderboard this morning. (beat) At this point, something’s gotta give. KEITH Scrags, have you no heart? She’s falling apart! Motion to skip the case in favor of Hashtag self-care? Esther, Keith, and Gwen's hands shoot into the air. SCRAGS Fine. Can't argue with democracy. We'll take the day off and pick up bright and early tomorrow. Enjoy your face masks and bubblebaths. GWEN Ha! I wish! While you all clock out, I'm clocking in as Mother, Wife, and Career Woman. (MORE) 4. GWEN (CONT'D) Those sponsored posts about the Charmin toilet paper subscription aren't gonna post themselves. ESTHER Church. KEITH No. I can't stand the thought of my two gals working for a living. Tell you what, Scrags and I will take care of everything on your to do list today! SCRAGS What?? I thought we voted--? KEITH It's high time you lean in and make the patriarchy work for you! Why don’t you two go chillax and have a girls' day? ESTHER Actually, I’m gender non- conforming. GWEN And Keith is gender non-coherent. Even between the two of you, there's no way you can get all my stuff done in one day, and I bet Esther has-- ESTHER No lists! That’s how they track you... "They" being the deep state. KEITH Give me your phone. What’s at the top of your to-do's? GWEN The nanny called in sick so I have to pick up the kids from school. But really I think she’s just sneaking off to visit her mother in the hospital. Again. KETIH Call me Kerry Washington because you can consider it handled. 5.

GWEN But what if they need–-? KEITH The only thing anyone needs from you is to bliss out with Esther. Put all your trust in us. ESTHER Isn't it beautiful? Democracy in action! We all got what we wanted... except Scrags. 6.

OPENING CREDITS

2 MUSIC CUE: SOLVE IT SQUAD THEME SONG 2 Zoom in on a NEWS ANCHOR on a 90's CRT television set. NEWS ANCHOR Back in 1995 four meddlesome teens and their talking dog Cluebert achieved pseudo celebrity status by solving mysteries that had somehow stumped adults. They called themselves The Solve It Squad! Montage: The Solve it Squad, as kids, busting bad guys. SINGING VOICE Cracking cases in the 90's style Showing crooks crime never pays But then Cluebert got murdered in a Satanic ritual And everybody went their separate ways! NEWS ANCHOR Flash Forward! Montage: Introducing the present day gang. SINGING VOICE Esther's been on LSD every other day Gwen went into acting to pretend the pain away Scrags was in the FBI with PTSD Keith is just a fuckin' loser living in a van! The Solve It Squad, The Solve It Squad Gettin' back together cause life suck on their own The Solve It Squad, The Solve It Squad Scooby dooby ruby booby zooby doo bop! Dow! END MUSIC. END OF OPENING CREDITS 7.

ACT 1

3 INT. TALENT AGENCY OFFICE - DAY 3 Nicholas, Gwen’s husband, sits behind a huge desk, squeezing a grip strength trainer. He’s taking a call on a bluetooth headset. NICHOLAS After five seasons of Officer Dr. Cop, MD, Gwen can't really get excited about going back to the grind of television. But we've got a lot of feature offers on the table and her schedule is filling up... He picks up a framed photo of him, Gwen, and their kids and gives it a loving glance. NICHOLAS (CONT'D) Really? No audition, straight to offer, 10% over her quote? Hell, let’s do it. She’ll be thrilled to star in your dark and edgy reboot of the Magic School Bus! Nicholas hangs up the phone and does a celebratory fist pump. He pushes the button on his desk intercom. NICHOLAS (CONT'D) Monica, get a bouquet from that florist Gwen likes, a baby sitter the kids, and a reservation for two at Spago–- Nicholas's eyes widen and he squeezes the grip trainer so hard that it breaks. He's just received four texts from Gwen in quick succession: "It’s over. Pack your things. I’m getting back with Keith. Keith’s always been The One." His eyes well up with tears.

4 INT. KEITH’S VAN - DAY 4 Scrags drives while Keith finishes sending Nicholas text messages from Gwen’s phone. He draws a line through the first item on Gwen's to-do list. KEITH "End things with Nicholas." Done and Done. Damn, we just put a dent in this bad boy. 8.

SCRAGS You know, before roping me into doing all of Gwen’s chores you could’ve asked me if I had my own pressing matters to attend to on our day off. Like, that pile of clean clothes in my bedroom isn't going to fold itself! Keith suddenly grabs at his throat, choking. SCRAGS (CONT'D) Keith! What's wrong?? KEITH (dropping the act) Sorry, Scrags, I just have a selfish allergy! Geez, bro. Try doing something for someone else for a change! It feels good. SCRAGS (rolling his eyes) So, what's next? Keith enthusiastically gestures to his list with Gwen's phone, tapping it with growing intensity. KEITH Ok, here’s the game plan: Pick up the kids, do some returns at the mall, get her phone battery replaced–- He smacks the phone too hard and shatters the screen. KEITH (CONT'D) And... get her screen fixed.

5 EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO - DAY 5 Gwen and Esther sit at a two top in a hopelessly hip restaurant. It's a trend dumpster, featuring every Instagram decor fad: banana leaves, pastel walls, neon signs, and ring lights at every table. GWEN So, after our bottomless mimosa brunch, I have the whole day planned out for us. (MORE) 9. GWEN (CONT'D) Some highlights include: combination Thai-Swedish massages, a custom athleisure fitting at Lululemon, and a consult with my plastic surgeon. And as long as the Kybella appointment doesn’t run over, I’ll be home by bedtime to tuck in the kids, with everything crossed off my relaxation list. ESTHER (sarcastically) I think you forgot to add “relax” to the relaxation list. Esther slowly slouches down in their chair. GWEN Actually, it's right here between the facialist and the fecalist. An overly chipper waiter, TAYLOR, approaches the table. TAYLOR Hey there, gals and non-binary pals. Welcome to The Grotto! I hope you’ve been enjoying the complimentary hand foraged seed mix while you look over our brunch menu? I’m totally obsessed. (he eats some) Yum! If you're dining with us for the first time, we do things a little differently here, m’kay? Every gorgeous serving is for sharing. I like to let people know up top that they can expect half the food for twice the price. Any questions? GWEN Where’s the restroom? Taylor points to a spiral staircase. GWEN (CONT'D) (to Esther) I’ll hurry so it doesn’t put us too behind schedule. Gwen heads off. At this point, Esther has slouched to basically under the table. 10.

TAYLOR Can I get you anything while you wait? ESTHER A less uptight friend and a new waiter. TAYLOR Ooh! Shots fired, sis! Well, hopefully a few mimosas will melt the ice queen a bit! ESTHER (muses) It'll take a lot more than that...

6 INT. KEITH’S VAN - DAY 6 Keith slams the van door, waves to a group of PARENTS, and hops back in the passenger seat. Scrags pulls away from Mayberry Middle School. In the back sit Gwen's children: CAM, a relentless 8 year old boy with big coke-bottle glasses who speaks faster than he can breathe. And his 11 year old sister, PARIS, dressed in black, her hair pulled into a tight ponytail with a big bow like a goth Jojo Siwa. KEITH Aaaaand, as promised, some candy! He leans into the back seat and pops some Nicotine Gum into the kids' hands. PARIS Why do these smell like grandma? KEITH Because Grandma is trying to rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic! CAM So you're friends with our mom? KEITH You bet, Cam! Uncle Keith and mommy go way back. CAM Why doesn’t she talk about you? 11.

KEITH (flustered) It’s probably tricky because... well, we totally used to... and she probably regrets... SCRAGS She probably wants to focus all her love on you and Paris! And not bring her work home. CAM No, Mommy loves "The Work." Do you have kids Uncle Scrogtaski? SCRAGS Well, I used to have a dog! So... no. PARIS (deliberately) Did the dog die? Did you watch? When was the moment you knew that its soul had left its earthly meat sack? Scrags's eyes well up with tears. KEITH (hushed, to Scrags) Don't you dare give her the satisfaction. CAM Where are we going? SCRAGS (irritated) To run some errands for your mom. CAM Why? SCRAGS Because she is feeling overwhelmed. CAM Why? SCRAGS Well, I think society sets unrealistic expectations for women because men are threatened by-- 12.

CAM How fast can you drive? KEITH This baby can hit 55 if she's going downhill! You wanna see? CAM Why is your name Keith? KEITH It just is! (to Paris) What about you, Paris? Why are you named after a hotel heiress turned DJ? PARIS Actually, I was named after the place where my dad impregnated my mom. Same with my brother. Right, Camry?

7 EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO - LATER 7 Gwen and Esther have shut the place down and the waiters are putting the chairs up on the tables behind them. GWEN OMG Esther, you are so right! ESTHER I know I am. GWEN I’m the one closing myself off to Nicholas. Like, he’s the best thing to ever happen to me, but I never tell him that. It just all starts to feel a little stale after awhile, ya know? ESTHER Not really. I don’t lay with a sexual partner more than twice. Two times is a coincidence, but three? Three's a pattern. GWEN Yes! The pattern! It’s the same grind day in and day out. (MORE) 13. GWEN (CONT'D) I’m antsy for the next thing, in case it might be better. But why do I even think that? What we have is great. ESTHER Oh yaaaa. You're great. He's great. I'm great. We're great. GWEN Yeeeaah. But I know everyone calls me a bitch behind my back. ESTHER WHOA! Hey now! We say it to your face, too. GWEN But like, no-one takes me seriously, ya know? I have skills! I am fully certified in hand-to- hand stage combat. AND broadsword. I'm not just a hapless damsel in distress waiting for some man to give me permission to live my life. ESTHER (snapping between each word) People. Do. This. In. Movies. Sister. GWEN You know Esther, I’ve always considered you my closest friend. Like a sibling, even. But I never realized you’re such a good listener. It’s so easy to open up to you! ESTHER Nah bitch, I’m a stone cold Grinch. That’s just the Molly doing its job. GWEN Excuse me? ESTHER You were really harshing the vibe, so I spiked the mimosas with some primo MDMA. So, now we are ready to relaaaaaax! 14.

GWEN (growing panic) Oh no, we’re gonna miss our Lululemon appointment and then I’m going to... and then we'll... ESTHER Yes, yes. Best laid plans and such... But how do you feel? GWEN Like I wanna hug you. And squeeze those eyeballs right out of your head like one of those squeezy- clown toys. ESTHER Hard pass. But see? Now we both can have fun! Let 'ol Esther here take the wheel. GWEN If Shonda’s Year of Yes taught me anything, it’s that I can probably get a book deal out of this either way! Let's do it! ESTHER You don't have a choice! I already drugged us! GWEN Wait both of us? I thought you were supposed to be taking a sober sabbatical? ESTHER You have so much to learn, Gwen. Molly isn’t drugs. It medicine. TAYLOR Sure is! Reveal Taylor, who has been standing there with a credit card terminal, Gwen’s card still in the reader. TAYLOR (CONT'D) Or it isn’t. TBH really doesn’t matter to me, but my shift ended two hours ago so I’d really love to just sashay on outta here, if you catch my drift. Gwen and Esther burst into laughter. 15.

ACT 2

8 INT. GAS STATION - DAY 8 Cam is waiting outside the bathroom door, antsy dancing. CAM Can you hurry up Uncle Keith? I really really need to go. The sound of a flush. Keith exits the bathroom and hands Cam the bathroom key, which is zip-tied to a toilet seat. KEITH Try not to let the key dip into the toilet bowl if you're pooping. Also don't touch anything in there. Also you should hold your breathe. Ok have fun. Cam opens the bathroom door, and green toxic fumes emerge from it. He plugs his nose and ventures in. Keith peruses the gas station’s wares. He tries on several pairs of dark wraparound sunglasses and checks himself out, while aiming finger guns.

9 INT. KEITH’S VAN - DAY - CONTINUOUS 9 Scrags and Paris sit in silence. SCRAGS So... (beat) You are... in school. (beat) Do you like it? PARIS No. SCRAGS Do you have friends? PARIS Yes. SCRAGS What are they like? PARIS They're ghosts. 16.

SCRAGS Like they ghost you a lot? Or are they--? What...? PARIS It's rude to talk about someone in front of them. SCRAGS Ok... So, what do you wanna talk about? PARIS Whether you think we should abolish the police or try to reform a broken system. SCRAGS Uhhh... It's complicated. You've got to walk a delicate line. PARIS (to an empty seat) Yeah, and that line's getting thinner and bluer by the day. SCRAGS (to himself) Oooh I didn't mean--! We definitely need to overhaul... You see I'm an ex-cop and--!... I just think the phrase "defund the police" is confusing for people over a certain age. GHOST (O.S.) Oooookaaaay boooooomerrrr! SCRAGS Who said that?! Paris smiles coyly at Scrags.

10 INT. GAS STATION - DAY - CONTINUOUS 10 Keith tries on several hats while he waits: Baseball cap with antlers that says "Horny." A pink novelty cowboy hat that says "Gettin' Hitched." And finally a ski mask. The sight of the ski mask and the sunglasses makes him chuckle. He pays for them and crouches behind a shelf. Cam emerges from the bathroom and Keith pops out and grabs him from behind. 17.

KEITH Did you wash your hands? CAM (lying) Yes...? KEITH Liar! You're coming with me, kid! Cam screams and starts laughing! Keith attacks him with tickles, puts him over his shoulder, and carries him back to the van.

11 INT. SMASH & TRASH RAGE ROOM - DAY 11 GWEN I don’t know, Est! Smashing a bunch of things isn't really my scene. I'm not a confrontational person, ya know? ESTHER Trust me. The only thing we’re smashing is the barrier between you and good vibes. Just see where the music takes you... Esther puts noise cancelling headphones on Gwen. Her ears are flooded with the opening notes of “In the Hall of the Mountain King” from Peer Gynt. Gwen and Esther begin a beautiful pas de deux, smashing small things with tiny mallets in time with the music. Teacups. Faberge eggs. Cuckoo clocks. As the music increases in volume and speed, the objects they destroy get bigger... as do the size of their mallets. Toasters. Laptops. Printers. Fishtanks. All elegantly destroyed. The music crescendos to a climax, as they pirouette, swinging ACME sized hammers at Rocking-horses, Bird scooters, and Jeff Koons sculptures. The music cuts out. Reveal the POV of a RAGE EMPLOYEE, who stares on, horrified, as Gwen and Esther have brought their destruction into the lobby. They make primal grunts as they indiscriminately smash everything in sight. GWEN (too loud with her headphones) I THINK I'M HAVING AN EMOTIONAL BREAK THROUGH! 18.

Gwen releases her mallet and it flies across the lobby and smashes into a TV playing reruns of Officer Dr. Cop, MD.

12 INT. APPLE STORE - DAY 12 Scrags, Keith, and the kids stroll around a gleaming white Apple Store. Keith has rolled up the ski mask and is now wearing it like a normal beanie. CAM Are you getting a new iPhone? KEITH As if. I’m still rocking my iPhone 5. Works great as long as I keep it plugged in at all times and don't make any calls. PARIS I’ve only seen relics like that in old movies like Inside Out. CAM Are you getting us new iPhones? SCRAGS Absolutely not. Too much screen time will rot your brain. PARIS Like Gwen's? KEITH Excuse me, young lady. Please show some respect. Too much screen time has rot your mother’s brain. But it’s a necessary evil like cheating at Monopoly or divorcing your agent husband so you can marry your one true love. CAM Can we go now? I’m bored. APPLE STORE EMPLOYEE Hey there! What can we help you with today? KEITH Uh, fixing this phone, genius. 19.

APPLE STORE EMPLOYEE Alrighty then. And what name is the appointment under? KEITH Don't worry about it. You can do it quick. APPLE STORE EMPLOYEE Well, I am sorry but I don’t have any appointments available until later... next month. But you’re welcome to hang out and wait in the standby line. He points to a line that snakes out the store. SCRAGS Wow, that line is longer than at Subway after they brought back the five dollar foot long... Anyone? Anyone? CAM Can I go pee? SCRAGS You just peed. CAM What if I saved some? SCRAGS Zoinks. Ok, let’s go find the bathroom. Keith, can you handle Paris on your own? PARIS He can try. Scrags heads off. APPLE STORE EMPLOYEE Good news! It looks like a Genius just freed up since someone got tired of waiting and just bought a new phone instead. You've synced your cloud? KEITH Umm, yes. My cloud is totally... up there... full of rain... 20.

APPLE STORE EMPLOYEE Just sign this waiver saying we’re not at fault if we lose all your data that isn't on the cloud. Or, if you’re not ready we can reschedule you for next... KEITH NO! Just give me one sec. Keith quickly flicks through the phone and frantically uploads a bunch of stuff. PARIS How many child workers in your factory die each year on the line? APPLE STORE EMPLOYEE (annoyed) We don’t use child labor. PARIS (she holds up her hands) You need tiny hands to make tiny phones... APPLE STORE EMPLOYEE (more annoyed) Sir, if you’re not ready I’m going to have to-- KEITH NO! Leave me be for just one second you needy troll! PARIS Mom says that all the time to daddy. And Cam. And Me. And the maid. And-– WHOOSH. WOOSH. DING. DING. DING. The files upload. KEITH Done! Your move, Einstein. He thrusts the phone into the Employee's hand.

13 INT. BARRYWOOD HOME - LIVING ROOM - DAY 13 Nicholas is completely distraught, trying to remove every trace of himself from the family home. He packs two very sad suitcases. The TV is on in the background, playing an entertainment news program. 21.

TV NEWSCASTER Actress Gwen Barrywood is in hot water after an anonymous source leaked screenshots of her group texts today. The messages revealed Ms. Barrywood making fun of fan fiction on the site AO3, inspired by the cancelled procedural, Officer Dr. Cop, MD. Barrywood played the titular crime fighting physician for eight seasons before leaving the show due to a medical-- Nicholas’s phone rings. NICHOLAS Hi, Marty. Yes, she’s so excited about the show... Of course, fandom is SO important to her! Her fans mean the world to–-She would never make fun of... no. I understand. Fan fiction is the lifeblood of fandom. And that trust with the audience is sacred. I just hope you’ll consider her for guest appearances when this all dies-- The line goes dead. Nicholas dials his assistant. NICHOLAS (CONT'D) (getting emotional) Monica, cancel the flowers, the sitter, the dinner reservation. Also, cancel the vanity plates for the new Mercedes. Also, cancel the new Mercedes. And Monica... I probably can’t afford to pay you anymore, so I’m going to have to let you go too. (beginning to sob) But I’m realizing I probably should’ve told you this later cause now you’re not going to do those other things.

14 INT. BEDROOM - LATER 14 Gwen and Esther are in a bed. Their faces are surrounded by blankets, rugs, towels and sheets. Gwen pulls a blanket out of the pile. 22.

GWEN Ooh, look at this one. It feels like the velvet ropes outside the HBO Emmy's Party! ESTHER Weird flex, I think? But who cares. (Esther pets the velvet) Shit, Gwen, you have a good eye. GWEN Aww, thank you Esther. It would mean more coming from someone who I thought had good taste, but I appreciate the sentiment! ESTHER (sarcastically) Way to really stick the landing on that compliment, fuck you very much. GWEN And I love that you just call me out on it! You say the things I wish I could say, but I can’t say without coming off like a bitch. But then I don’t say it and I come off like bitch anyway! Why do we let them get in our heads? ESTHER Yas, queef! Eat the patriarchy! (handling a new blanket) Woah woah woah this one, no joke, feels like a cloud. I need this around me forever, I'm afraid. Go ahead and wrap me like a mummy. Pull my brain out through my nose. GWEN Oh, shut up Esther. You don’t wanna die. I bet there’s so much more you wanna do with that big brain. ESTHER Nah, I've done it all. Except the Ice Bucket Challenge. But that was a choice. GWEN How do you find the time? Aren't you constantly pulled in different directions? (MORE) 23. GWEN (CONT'D) Between your duties to the Squad, and the fan base of the Squad, and the fan base of the show, and your book, and your two shitty kids, and I guess... Nicholas? And unfortunately Keith. But that's more of a Squad responsibility... ESTHER Well for one, I eliminate people who care about me and replace them with chemicals, who don't. But it's the same issue: all of that stuff you listed is time spent doing shit for other people. What do you do... for YOU? You gotta do what makes you feel better. Paint your fingers. Buy a Goop. Bleach your asshole. GWEN I mean... you’re totally right. ESTHER Once again, I know. GWEN If I don’t take care of myself, no one else will. There are no understudies in life and it’s not fair for other people to get me at my "Wednesday Matinee" when they could be experiencing me at my "Saturday Night." ESTHER (a beat, then) Sure. GWEN I don't have to tend to Keith's insecurities! (feeling naughty) Even though he would completely crumble without me! And that thought gives this bitch strength and makes her feel all warm and fuzzy... and warm... and fuzzy... Gwen is compulsively rubbing her face against a shag rug, sighing with pleasure. A SALES ASSOCIATE clears their throat. 24.

SALES ASSOCIATE Just so you know, I’m not authorized to ask you to leave but I will hover awkwardly until you do. Or buy something. Reveal that Gwen and Esther are in the bedroom display of a home decor store, “Here Duvet, Gone Tomorrow.” Esther sighs and pulls a hefty set of brass knuckles out of their jacket. ESTHER I really hoped I wouldn't have to do this today-- GWEN I’ll handle this, Esther. (to Employee) That won't be necessary. Because we’ll take anything we’ve touched-- BUT ONLY IF WE’VE TOUCHED IT. We've made very specific piles. She hands over her credit card. CHA-CHING!!

15 INT. MALL BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS 15 Scrags and Cam walk past “Here Duvet, Gone Tomorrow” and into the bathroom. CAM So, why are bathrooms divided by gender? SCRAGS Umm, because Victorians were prudes? CAM Why is the toilet paper so thin? SCRAGS Because the mall is cheap? CAM Why doesn’t mommy love us? Cam enters a stall. SCRAGS Oh, I don't know, Cam--! I mean. She does. Love you. She just expresses in her own unique way. (MORE) 25. SCRAGS (CONT'D) Just between you and me, I think she's worried about defining herself by motherhood. Modern women are burdened with–-But also I’m part of the problem and benefit from my privilege--Um... privilege means you have an advantage over someone else--but you’re not better than them! Well you can be but--You done in there buddy? CAM No. SCRAGS Did you pee, yet? CAM No. SCRAGS Why not? CAM I didn’t have to anymore. SCRAGS Ok, well then what’s taking so long? CAM I pooped. SCRAGS Congrats. Don't take that for granted as you get older. Now, let’s get going. CAM I pooped in my pants. Scrags crinkles his nose.

16 INT. TOY STORE - SIMULTANEOUS 16 Keith and Paris peruse the endless aisles of toys at “Helen of Toy.” Paris rolls her eyes at Keith's desperate attempts to win her over. KEITH C’mon. Parenting can't be that hard. I got Cam on my side! What's it gonna take to buy your love too? (MORE) 26. KEITH (CONT'D) What about this Lego set, do you want that? PARIS No. KEITH How about this little plastic blonde chick? PARIS Ew, a Barbie, no. KEITH Just tell me the ideal price range that would make you happy! PARIS Material happiness is an illusion. Life is pain. KEITH WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?? In his frustration and fury, Keith punches an endcap display of dodgeballs. His fist bounces off and punches himself in the face. The force causes the cage to fall open and dozens of colorful balls topple out, each one hitting Keith on the head. Paris cracks a smile for the first time and begins to laugh. KEITH (CONT'D) Stop laughing, this isn’t funny. Keith grabs a ball and spikes it into the ground. It bounces high into the air, knocking a sprinkler and causing it to go off. Keith slips on the water and hits his head on a shelf, hard. Paris laughs even harder. Now, this Keith she can work with! He pulls himself back to his feet, and begins to slide around like a doofus, intentionally crashing into shelves and injuring himself for Paris's pleasure. Boxes of Legos come crashing down on his head. Blinded by the lego bricks, he knocks into another endcap filled with stuffed Nemo plushies that spill out all over the wet floor. His feet slip out from under him again and he goes SPLAT on the floor, wriggling next to the damp stuffed fish. PARIS Now, THIS is fun. Keith and Paris share a laugh, Keith’s very pained. A TOY STORE EMPLOYEE rushes over. 27.

TOY STORE EMPLOYEE Ugh, what a mess! (into the store intercom) Paging Jeremy. I need backup for some major cleanup in aisle four. And bring a bucket and a mop for these wet-ass plushies. Keith gets up slowly, nursing his back like a geriatric. TOY STORE EMPLOYEE (CONT'D) Excuse me sir, but you’re going to have to pay for all of this. These knock-off Nemos can't get wet. What do you think this is, a Disney Store? KEITH Fine. Just charge it. Keith hands over a credit card. The Toy Store Employee swipes it, looks at the name, and hands it back. TOY STORE EMPLOYEE Thank you for your business, Mr. Barrywood.

17 INT. MALL FOOD COURT - LATER 17 Scrags sits with Cam and Paris, who are blindfolded with two plates of pretzel bites in front of them. One from Wetzel's Pretzels. The other from Auntie Anne's. SCRAGS Now, one might ask themself, "Why two different pretzel stands in the same mall?" But the subtlety in flavors justifies it. You just have to tune your senses. Now-- PARIS Are these gluten free? SCRAGS No. Ok, lets take a bite-- CAM Are you a Jedi? SCRAGS Hmmm... in a way, yes. 28.

Keith marches up to the table and parks it in a chair. Paris removes her blindfold. KEITH Returned the thing to the place for store credit. Picked up the iPhone. We are D. U. N. DONE. SCRAGS Huh. That only took like two and a half hours. Not sure what Gwen was so stressed about. PARIS Well, just shows you what's possible with two adults who are actually engaged. KEITH Oh, no. We're just work partners. I'm in love with your mom. CAM (still blindfolded) Can we do something fun? SCRAGS Excellent segue, Cam. Let's go check out the solar panel kiosk and see how much we can save by selling energy back to the grid. KEITH Nah nah nah. We're gonna show you kids what we used to do for fun back in the day. And this is on daddy! Keith holds up the credit card.

18 INT. MALL MONTAGE - CONTINUOUS 18 Over the following montage, Del Amitri's "Roll to Me" blasts in a righteous display of freedom, fun, and capitalism. -Gwen and Esther emerge several times from a dressing room in couple’s halloween costumes. Beauty and the Beast. Gollum and Frodo. Shrek and Donkey. Finally, they are back in their street clothes... but with their outfits accidentally switched! They plop all the costumes on the counter and swipe Gwen’s credit card. 29.

-Keith, Scrags, and the Kids run through a laser tag arena, blasting in every direction. Keith tries to smoothly move through the course, but clotheslines himself on a low-hanging banister. He looks up to see a group of CHILDREN and a smiling Paris pointing guns at his face. They all fire. Game over! Keith gestures for “one more!” And swipes the Barrywood credit card. -Gwen sits on a bale of hay at a petting zoo, nuzzling up to a bunny. Reveal that Esther is petting Gwen. Reveal that an alpaca is petting Esther. -Keith, Scrags, & the Kids pose for silly photos in a Photo Booth. After one flash, the girl from the ring appears behind them and everyone but Paris flees the booth. -Gwen and Esther are eating a bowl of pasta while getting tramp stamps. On Esther’s lower back is a tattoo of the Charlie Chaplin character, “The Tramp.” On Gwen’s is a tattoo of the cartoon dog from “Lady and the Tramp.” They end up doing the "Lady and the Tramp" kiss. They laugh and swipe the credit card. -Keith, Scrags, and the Kids cheer on a knight at Medieval Times! Keith has painted his face and chest like Braveheart. Scrags fits an enormous turkey leg in his mouth, and pulls out a clean bone. Keith looks over to see that Paris is bored. He walks behind a horse and smacks it, causing the horse to kick him through a wall. Paris laughs. -Gwen and Esther, covered in day-glo colors, dance at a rave while drumming on a barrel, splashing neon paint everywhere. Reveal that they are onstage at a Blue-Man Group show. 3 Blue Men stare at them quizzically. -Keith, Scrags, and the Kids are in an Internet cafe. They’re all screaming, laughing, and smashing keys on their keyboards, like they're playing a multiplayer computer game. Reveal that they are actually trading stocks. Keith groans as the chart on his computer plummets into the negative. Paris snickers at Keith and he swipes the credit card to buy more stocks.

19 INT. LONELY MAN SELF-STORAGE - DAY 19 Nicholas puts his last cardboard box in a storage unit and rolls the door down. The rest of the storage units are dotted with similarly down-in-the-dumps looking men unloading their belongings. Nicholas goes to the cashier to pay for the unit. He swipes his credit card. Declined. He tries again. CASHIER I’m sorry, but it’s been declined. 30.

NICHOLAS That can’t be right. CASHIER Yah, it’s saying that your account’s been frozen on account of unusual purchases and suspicions of fraud. Nicholas breaks down in tears. NICHOLAS This is the worst day of my life. CASHIER You'll be alright, fella. Wherever the ex-misses is, she's hurting too.

20 INT. ARCADE - BALL PIT - CONTINUOUS 20 Gwen and Esther fall backwards into a ball pit. Gwen makes a strained face as her lips start searching in the air for something. She finally makes contact with a long swirly straw that stretches over to Esther, who’s holding a plastic bucket that’s labelled “Bucket O’ Margs.” They both sip, content. GWEN You know...? ESTHER I do. GWEN Yah. They both smile. A beat. GWEN (CONT'D) I just realized I haven’t had the impulse to check Instagram for hours. Imagine that! It’s like I was... addicted before! ESTHER That’s how it's designed. So each of those "likes" is a little orgasm of self-esteem. 31.

GWEN Without that urge... it’s almost like I don’t care about whether or not strangers like me! Because... I like me! ESTHER Oingo Boingo, baby. That’s called living in the moment! GWEN I know how to live in the moment! I am classically trained in Stanislavski. This feels different... (she looks around) Man, it’s been ages since I’ve been to a Pizza Rat Family Fun Zone. (fondly) The kids were still super young. My career hadn’t really taken off yet. Nicholas and I were still eating dairy. There was something here for the whole family: Cameron played Whack-a-Troll for hours. Paris would hide at the bottom of the slide to scare other kids. Nicholas always tried to win enough tickets to get me the giant stuffed Pizza Rat Plush. And I’d study the other moms for character inspiration, and what not to wear. ESTHER Puke my guts out that sounds miserable. GWEN It was. And I miss it...

21 INT. ARCADE - DINING AREA - CONTINUOUS 21 Across the room from the ball pit, families sit in the dining room, among them Keith, Scrags, Cam, and Paris. In the background Pizza Rat’s Animatronic Subway Busker Band performs “Pizza in the USA", a pizza themed parody of "Party in the USA." PIZZA RAT ANIMATRONIC (singing) Gotta put my sauce on! And pepper-oni! The parmesan's here to stay! (MORE) 32. PIZZA RAT ANIMATRONIC (CONT'D) Cheeeeeeeeeeese! It's a pizza in the U.S.A.!! PARIS God, this place sucks. SCRAGS Language! PARIS Gwen and Nicholas used to bring us here so they could ignore us, and each other. KEITH (sighs, then) Time to turn that frown upside down missy! Keith dumps the whole shaker of red pepper flakes on a slice, and shoves it in his mouth. He turns red, fire spews from his mouth, steam comes out of his ears, and he starts crying. Paris cracks a smile. CAM (thrilled) Mom never let us have the normal pizza here. Only cauliflower crust with vegan cheese. KEITH Ew, gross. Hurry up and clean your plate so we can snag dessert on the way out. SCRAGS Keith, that kind of rhetoric encourages unhealthy associations with food. No one has to clean their plates. (then) Unless they want to! Scrags winks and inhales everyones left over crusts like a human vacuum cleaner. BURRRRRP. Everyone laughs. KEITH Oooh! I saw a Dippin’ Dots stand by the Aeropostale! PARIS You can still get them? I’ve only seen them in vintage King Bach Vines. 33.

KEITH What do you mean?! Dippin’ Dots are the ice cream of the futu--Fuck, Scrags. Are we old? CAM Language! Scrags, Keith, and the Kids get up to go. On the way out, they pass the now empty ball pit. Suddenly, a loud siren goes off everywhere in the restaurant. Gwen starts screaming at the Fruit Ninja arcade game she's playing. GWEN OMG I did it! I won the grand prize! ESTHER Wait, I thought Fruit Ninja was an app. GWEN No, the arcade version is a totally different game. ESTHER How so? GWEN It’s bigger. ESTHER And-- GWEN You can win PRIZES. A TIRED MOM shuffles by, with a toddler hanging off her arm, and two more in a stroller. TIRED MOM No, you just got the banana bonus. The siren was an amber alert on everyone's phones. Some kids have been abducted from their school. GWEN (overly empathetic) Oh. my. god. I can’t imagine a more terrible scenario for a parent to be in. 34.

TIRED MOM Right?! It would be terrible... (conspiratorially) and glorious. The cops almost always catch those fuckers within the first few hours. But in the meantime, mommy gets some peace and quiet in the back of a squad car. ESTHER Ok, this lady has her priorities straight. Tired Mom walks off, revealing another child in a Baby Bjorn strapped to her back. GWEN Esther, are you thinking what I’m thinking? Gwen pulls Esther in tight, their noses almost touching. ESTHER That every surface in this place is riddled with infectious disease? GWEN Yes... But also that we can totally get those kids back! After our day of pampering, we're perfectly equipped to solve this case. And with your brain and my... brain. There’s nothing we can’t do! ESTHER Hyperbolic much? But Good Golly Miss Molly, I’ll allow it. First, we’re gonna need some gear. Esther runs to a skee-ball machine, pounds their fist and pops the ticket compartment open. They pull out an enormous roll of tickets and plop them on the prize counter. ESTHER (CONT'D) We’ll take everything you got. Including the big Pizza Rat plush, for my wife. Esther winks at Gwen. 35.

ACT 3

22 INT. TAXI - DAY 22 Esther and Gwen pile into a taxi with all the day's purchases, armed with Nerf Guns, sticky hands, and slap bracelets galore. The Pizza Rat Plush takes up a seat and a half. The cab driver turns to them. TAYLOR Where to? GWEN To catch a crook! TAYLOR Tbh I just moved here so I’m not super familiar with local–-Oh you two again. The driver is Taylor, their waiter from brunch. Gwen and Esther’s eyes narrow. They absolutely do not remember him. TAYLOR (CONT'D) Girl, please. You think I make enough scratch waiting tables? You're as delusional as my ex- boyfriend. The hustle never stops, sis! ESTHER Sure, whatever. We’ve got to stop a child abduction, so drive!

23 INT. KEITH’S VAN - CONTINUOUS 23 Everyone is eating Dippin’ Dots with wooden sticks. Keith is driving with his knees. The van is veering dangerously all over the road. SCRAGS Can you just wait until we get to Gwen’s before--? KEITH It’ll melt by then, Scrags! I'm not gonna be the only one here having soup for dessert! PARIS And how much pain do you think that would cause you? 36.

Scrags notices a police car tailing them in the rearview mirror. SCRAGS Keith, get your hands at 10 and 2 and maybe let this cop car pass. KEITH Nah, they’re still really far back. He checks his side view mirror, which is fully filled by the police car. It reads "Objects in mirror are closer than they appear." The police car flips on its siren. SCRAGS Actually, I think they want you to pull over. KEITH That could be for anyone. POLICE (O.S.) (through bullhorn) We want you to pull over. The man with van. The tan colored van. KEITH Nope. The MANUFACTURER LABELED THIS COLOR AS “Dreamy Creamy.” LOOK IT UP! SCRAGS That's disgusting. CAM Why is that disgusting? SCRAGS I’ll tell you when you’re older. Keith, just pull over and see what they want. CAM Do you have any police friends, Uncle Keith? KEITH No, all cops are bad. Why? CAM Daddy got a ticket once and–- 37.

PARIS Gwen got so upset with him that she wouldn't talk to him for a month. CAM He only got out of it because he got the police chief tickets to the premiere of Trolls 2. KEITH Kids, I can promise you this: I will never let your mom get upset EVER again. (under his breath) And maybe I won't be Uncle Keith for much longer. Keith floors it. To 40.

24 INT. TAXI - CONTINUOUS 24 TAYLOR (tapping his phone) So “child abduction” isn’t coming up on Google Maps. Do you have a cross street for that or–- Suddenly, another amber alert comes through his phone. “Suspects spotted leaving the mall in a tan and burgundy Volkswagon Minibus. Police in pursuit.” A van matching that description drives past their window. GWEN Oh, shit. That’s them! Step on it! FOLLOW THAT VAN!! The police car barrels past the taxi.

25 INT. COP CAR - CONTINUOUS 25 POLICE Don’t worry, sir. We’re gonna get your kids back. Nicholas sits in the back, a crying and disheveled mess. He begins to pray. NICHOLAS Oh patron saint of family comedies, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: May the light of your smile guide the way back to my children. (MORE) 38. NICHOLAS (CONT'D) May your work ethic be the anabolic injection I need to stay strong. And may this squad car move at the speed that you release movies. Amen.

26 EXT. MAYBERRY STREETS - CONTINUOUS 26 Keith tries to dodge and weave through traffic with the van to lose the cop car and taxi in close pursuit. He floors it, and the speedometer inches past 45 mph. Keith makes a sharp turn down a side street that slopes downward. The van starts gathering speed, finally reaching 55 mph at the bottom of the hill. All three vehicles crash through a construction barricade that reads “BRIDGE OUT.” The vehicles fly into the air in slow motion. Nicholas is sobbing. Esther and Gwen have huge smiles and hug Pizza Rat. Keith’s face is crazed. Cam screams. Scrags is mortified. Paris smiles. Tiny pellets of Dippin’ Dots ice cream fly through the air. The vehicles land with a thud and continue on. Keith weaves past more construction obstacles. They crash into a CONSTRUCTION WORKER carrying a box with a question mark on it, and Keith reaches out the window to grab its contents: three tiny turtles. He hurls them backwards at the cop car. The cop starts chucking banana peels at Keith’s van in retaliation, causing it to swerve wildly. Thrown all the way from the taxi in back, a blue turtle hits and cracks the van’s back windshield, and then ricochets under a wheel. CRUNCH. POP. The turtle is crushed and one of the tires blows. The van rattles onward.

27 INT. KEITH’S VAN - CONTINUOUS 27 SCRAGS Cut it out Keith. Just pull over and face the consequences. KEITH Absolutely not. You don’t just tell Tom Cruise to “pull over” in Mission Impossible. You don’t tell Vin Diesel to "pull over" in Fast & the Furious. You don’t tell Paul Blart to-- SCRAGS Except they aren’t real and, contractually, CAN'T die!! (MORE) 39. SCRAGS (CONT'D) You, on the other hand, are gonna get us all killed. Paris perks up and turns to the empty seat next to her. PARIS See you soon, Arabella.

28 INT. TAXI - CONTINUOUS 28 Gwen clutches her Nerf gun. GWEN I think that blue turtle hit, but we’re not in Nerf range. ESTHER What about "pedal to the metal" don't you understand, guy? TAYLOR So, I have to lease this car from the cab company and we’re not allowed to go above 50 because of wear and tear on the hybrid drivetrain. I just really can’t afford to take another hit on my take home pay today... GWEN THIS SHOULD COVER IT! KEEP DRIVING. Gwen throws a fist-full of Tootsie Rolls at him. ESTHER I'd rather cheat and win, then drive the speed limit and lose. Here, I know a shortcut. From the back seat, Esther reaches forward, grabs the steering wheel, and makes a sharp turn. Taylor screams. The cab veers up a ramp and jumps over a construction vehicle and disappears from view. The OPERATOR is reading Brene Brown's "Rising Strong." She looks up at the taxi in amazement.

29 INT. KEITH’S VAN - CONTINUOUS 29 CAM Can we stop? KEITH For the last time, NO! 40.

CAM What if I have to pee? KEITH IMPOSSIBLE. You’ve gone like 6 times today already. Hold. It. CAM What if I can’t hold it? KEITH I believe in you, son. SCRAGS We’re gonna have to pull over, Keith-- KEITH ABSOLUTELY NOT. I am not getting a ticket and a fourth strike. CAM Can we please please please stop? I’m gonna wet my pants! KEITH Aww, hell no. Don’t you DARE ruin that upholstery. I’ve been trying to get the smell of dog piss out of it for twenty years! PARIS (crinkling her nose) Try harder. SCRAGS KEITH. JUST DO IT. Suddenly, the taxi flies out of an alley in front of the van and swings to a stop, blocking the way forward. Keith makes a sharp turn to avoid collision and Tokyo drifts into a parallel parking spot in front of a 7-Eleven, a seemingly perfect maneuver. But before the van comes to a complete stop, it suddenly jerks forward and back, crushing the fenders of the cars on either side, and hitting a fire hydrant which starts spewing water. CAM (O.S.) Ok. I don't have to go anymore! 41.

30 EXT. 7-ELEVEN PARKING LOT - CONTINUOUS 30 Cop cars surround the van and a SWAT team pins Keith to the ground. Gwen runs out of the taxi and shouts towards the officers. GWEN Take THAT Mr. Amber! Your days of abducting children are over. Case fucking closed! Gwen and Esther jump to hi-five, but miss and start giggling. ESTHER Time for these shitty kids to resume being a problem for their shitty parents. CAM PARIS Mommy! Gwen! GWEN Those shitty kids look an awful lot like my shitty kids. Cam and Paris run from the van to hug Gwen. CAM Can we hang out with Uncle Keith and Scrags more?! I drank four sodas! PARIS I think we killed a turtle! Nicholas stumbles from the police car to join the hug. NICHOLAS I can smell what The Rock was cooking... and it's a miracle. GWEN Uuuugh. I love you all so so so so much I just--Cameron, why are you soaking wet? NICHOLAS Gwen. I've spent all day trying to figure out what I did to screw this up. And honestly, I'm no closer to making sense of things. But... do you think... we could try to make this work? 42.

GWEN Nicky, je t’aime... (beat) I'm sorry but, it's been a long time coming. I think we need to end things between us... Professionally speaking, of course. I’m dropping you for agents at CAA. NICHOLAS So... you don't want a divorce? GWEN Of course not! Why would you ever think that? Gwen glares at Keith, who shrugs. She clutches her family tighter while petting everyone’s hair. GWEN (CONT'D) I just wanna hug you until your heads pop off. This feeling will never end! Esther looks at their wrist that has no watch on it. ESTHER Yeaaaaah. We got about 40 minutes before our high wears off. SCRAGS High?? I thought this was supposed to be a sober day? ESTHER Hey, get off your high horse! I was sober... aside from the Molly. Which is medicine. And the booze. Also medicine. Scrags looks skeptical. A police officer handcuffs Keith. POLICE Alright, time to go down to the station, buddy. KEITH Woah, woah, woah. This was all a misunderstanding. SCRAGS (to the cops) Gentlemen, surely you care about serving justice! 43.

The officer blinks. NICHOLAS Can I speak to you for a moment, officer? There’s really no need to make this a whole to-do. We’re not interested in pressing charges and would love to keep this all... discreet. POLICE Ah, but my hands are tied. My precinct has an arrest quota and we’re this close to beating out the boys on the east side for that year-end ice cream party. NICHOLAS Ok, fine. How about you can book him BUT he walks tonight with no marks on his record? POLICE Fine. But we’re gonna rough him up down at the station. NICHOLAS We’re not gonna go for that. POLICE We'll barely touch him! It'll be like we're dealing with a Capitol- insurrectionist. NICHOLAS (looks to Gwen) For my client, "roughing him up" is a non-starter. Counteroffer: you can drag out the booking paperwork into overtime, and then keep him overnight before he walks. POLICE Mmmm... Deal. NICHOLAS See! Everyone wins! Really earned my 10% cut of that ice cream, huh Gwen? Maybe instead of your agent, I could be your manager instead? GWEN Hmm, I guess you did successfully produce these two projects. 44.

Gwen gestures to Cam and Paris. NICHOLAS (flirting) Is it time to make it a trilogy? GWEN Maybe we should have a little chemistry test tonight... NICHOLAS Ok, but be prepared for a long, hard negotiation. They begin furiously making out on the trunk of the police car. Keith is handcuffed inside and can’t see what's happening KEITH Nicky?? Nick! Bro! Am I getting off? Am I free to go?

31 INT. JAIL CELL - SUNSET 31 The door slams shut as Keith stumbles in. A PRISONER lays on the lower bunk. Keith looks down at the to do list, to the last remaining item: "Prove your devotion to Gwen with a grand gesture. Flowers?" He crosses it off the list. POLICE Lights out! The PRISONER starts to play a harmonica. Keith peers longingly out the barred window toward the setting sun and a single tear rolls down his face. KEITH (singing mournfully) Say it ain’t so I will not go Turn the lights off Carry me home Na-na, na-na, na-na, etc. END OF EPISODE