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The Solve It Squad Takes a Chill Pill!

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The Solve It Squad Takes a Chill Pill! The Solve It Squad Takes a Chill Pill! written by Brian Rosenthal, Corey Lubowich, & Joey Richter Tin Can Bros V1 COLD OPEN 1 INT. SOLVE IT SQUAD CLUBHOUSE - DAY 1 Scrags is passing out new case files. Gwen furrows her brow as she taps away at her phone. Esther’s eyes are glazed over and a strand of drool drips from their mouth. Keith takes a page from the case file to fold into a paper football. SCRAGS The next case on our docket involves none other than the Sugar Daddy Snack Cake Corporation. The manager of the plant walked into a cake-tastrophe this morning and they suspect foul play. The donut hole machine-- KEITH Love me some of Sugar Daddy’s Tasty Holes. SCRAGS I'm sure you do. So, the donut hole machine is malfunctioning and adding an extra hole to the–- GWEN (not even looking up from her phone) Aren’t those just tiny donuts? SCRAGS What? GWEN Donut holes with holes in them? It’s literally a tiny donut. Sugar Daddy can still sell them and we can pass on this case and I can get back to re-theming my website using the sleek and intuitive features of Squarespace. Hashtag: not a sponsor... yet! Keith flicks the paper football into Esther’s mouth, and they startle awake. ESTHER Excuse you! I was power napping over here. Do you realize how dangerous it is to interrupt a REM cycle?? I could've killed you. 2. SCRAGS Oh, I’m sorry, I don't remember changing my name to Captain Snooze- Fest. Gwen, we're not in a position to pass on cases. Keith, stop it with the origami. And Esther, why don’t you stand up so you don’t sleep through any more important exposition. Esther stands up and tries to pace around the room, but their legs crumble beneath them and they collapse. SCRAGS (CONT'D) What's wrong with your legs? ESTHER They’re just so exhausted from carrying this entire team. KEITH Got 'em! SCRAGS Oh please, Esther. The case last week–- ESTHER -–was my last case of Four Loko. And I had to kill it to solve that bank heist. And that was on top of my normal cocktail of phennies, demmies, buttons, and percs! They pull out a handful of blue pills, crush them on the table and snort it all in one go. ESTHER (CONT'D) See? A week’s worth of study buddies, and nothing. I hate to admit it but I think it’s finally time... for me to take a sober day. Reset my tolerance. A full reboot. I just feel like a zombie. Esther slumps back on the floor, ass up in the air. KEITH We’re all tired, busy, and horny. You don’t get to take a break from being a grownup! 3. Keith flicks the paper football into Esther’s asscrack. Scrags immediately removes the paper, unfolds it, and places it back in the case file. SCRAGS I'm with Keith here. GWEN Oh big surprise! The men have decided how we should feel! You know what Esther? I feel like a zombie too! A zombie with a to-do list! I’m just expected to trudge along, in an undead state, eating the brains of my kids, the brains of my career, the brains of keeping the Squad relevant on TikTok... Plus things have been sorta strained with Nicholas, and I’m not even sure that I should keep eating his brains... SCRAGS This analogy is getting out of hand. Gwen, people are counting on us. So, we need to buck up, put on a happy face, and power through to avoid the growing emptiness deep inside. GWEN I didn’t even rank on the Peloton leaderboard this morning. (beat) At this point, something’s gotta give. KEITH Scrags, have you no heart? She’s falling apart! Motion to skip the case in favor of Hashtag self-care? Esther, Keith, and Gwen's hands shoot into the air. SCRAGS Fine. Can't argue with democracy. We'll take the day off and pick up bright and early tomorrow. Enjoy your face masks and bubblebaths. GWEN Ha! I wish! While you all clock out, I'm clocking in as Mother, Wife, and Career Woman. (MORE) 4. GWEN (CONT'D) Those sponsored posts about the Charmin toilet paper subscription aren't gonna post themselves. ESTHER Church. KEITH No. I can't stand the thought of my two gals working for a living. Tell you what, Scrags and I will take care of everything on your to do list today! SCRAGS What?? I thought we voted--? KEITH It's high time you lean in and make the patriarchy work for you! Why don’t you two go chillax and have a girls' day? ESTHER Actually, I’m gender non- conforming. GWEN And Keith is gender non-coherent. Even between the two of you, there's no way you can get all my stuff done in one day, and I bet Esther has-- ESTHER No lists! That’s how they track you... "They" being the deep state. KEITH Give me your phone. What’s at the top of your to-do's? GWEN The nanny called in sick so I have to pick up the kids from school. But really I think she’s just sneaking off to visit her mother in the hospital. Again. KETIH Call me Kerry Washington because you can consider it handled. 5. GWEN But what if they need–-? KEITH The only thing anyone needs from you is to bliss out with Esther. Put all your trust in us. ESTHER Isn't it beautiful? Democracy in action! We all got what we wanted... except Scrags. 6. OPENING CREDITS 2 MUSIC CUE: SOLVE IT SQUAD THEME SONG 2 Zoom in on a NEWS ANCHOR on a 90's CRT television set. NEWS ANCHOR Back in 1995 four meddlesome teens and their talking dog Cluebert achieved pseudo celebrity status by solving mysteries that had somehow stumped adults. They called themselves The Solve It Squad! Montage: The Solve it Squad, as kids, busting bad guys. SINGING VOICE Cracking cases in the 90's style Showing crooks crime never pays But then Cluebert got murdered in a Satanic ritual And everybody went their separate ways! NEWS ANCHOR Flash Forward! Montage: Introducing the present day gang. SINGING VOICE Esther's been on LSD every other day Gwen went into acting to pretend the pain away Scrags was in the FBI with PTSD Keith is just a fuckin' loser living in a van! The Solve It Squad, The Solve It Squad Gettin' back together cause life suck on their own The Solve It Squad, The Solve It Squad Scooby dooby ruby booby zooby doo bop! Dow! END MUSIC. END OF OPENING CREDITS 7. ACT 1 3 INT. TALENT AGENCY OFFICE - DAY 3 Nicholas, Gwen’s husband, sits behind a huge desk, squeezing a grip strength trainer. He’s taking a call on a bluetooth headset. NICHOLAS After five seasons of Officer Dr. Cop, MD, Gwen can't really get excited about going back to the grind of television. But we've got a lot of feature offers on the table and her schedule is filling up... He picks up a framed photo of him, Gwen, and their kids and gives it a loving glance. NICHOLAS (CONT'D) Really? No audition, straight to offer, 10% over her quote? Hell, let’s do it. She’ll be thrilled to star in your dark and edgy reboot of the Magic School Bus! Nicholas hangs up the phone and does a celebratory fist pump. He pushes the button on his desk intercom. NICHOLAS (CONT'D) Monica, get a bouquet from that florist Gwen likes, a baby sitter the kids, and a reservation for two at Spago–- Nicholas's eyes widen and he squeezes the grip trainer so hard that it breaks. He's just received four texts from Gwen in quick succession: "It’s over. Pack your things. I’m getting back with Keith. Keith’s always been The One." His eyes well up with tears. 4 INT. KEITH’S VAN - DAY 4 Scrags drives while Keith finishes sending Nicholas text messages from Gwen’s phone. He draws a line through the first item on Gwen's to-do list. KEITH "End things with Nicholas." Done and Done. Damn, we just put a dent in this bad boy. 8. SCRAGS You know, before roping me into doing all of Gwen’s chores you could’ve asked me if I had my own pressing matters to attend to on our day off. Like, that pile of clean clothes in my bedroom isn't going to fold itself! Keith suddenly grabs at his throat, choking. SCRAGS (CONT'D) Keith! What's wrong?? KEITH (dropping the act) Sorry, Scrags, I just have a selfish allergy! Geez, bro. Try doing something for someone else for a change! It feels good. SCRAGS (rolling his eyes) So, what's next? Keith enthusiastically gestures to his list with Gwen's phone, tapping it with growing intensity. KEITH Ok, here’s the game plan: Pick up the kids, do some returns at the mall, get her phone battery replaced–- He smacks the phone too hard and shatters the screen. KEITH (CONT'D) And... get her screen fixed. 5 EXT. RESTAURANT PATIO - DAY 5 Gwen and Esther sit at a two top in a hopelessly hip restaurant. It's a trend dumpster, featuring every Instagram decor fad: banana leaves, pastel walls, neon signs, and ring lights at every table.
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