HONI SOIT Issue 2 March 9th 2011 12.15PM • • Feminists and lovers of women Unite for the • WOW FILM FESTIVAL: WORLD OF WOMEN’S • CINEMA SHORTS at Custom’s House Library. FREE 8.30PM• Get ya fill of gypsy jazz and swing from TUE • COPE STREET PARADE at 505, Surry Hills. $10 8th | Get a glimpse of STONEFIELD before they hit 8PM up Glastonbury mid year. They’ll be rocking it out at The Beach Road, Bondi. FREE
• 4PM Get kicking to the SULS KICK OFF WED CARNIVAL, dose yourself up on Cloud Control, free drinks and a whole lot of law! FREE
8PM BELLE AND SEBASTIAN take over the Opera House for a night. Rad tunes a plenty! $70 • 8PM Show your Uni spirit and check out the new THU SUDS production, STAGS AND HENS, Cellar Theatre.
$2/$3/$4
• • 5pm The WEEKEND WARM UP at Manning will get you feeling toasty for the nights of • FRI debauchery ahead. FREE • 8pm Head to THE WILD DUCK at Belvoir Street Theatre for a [quacking] good time! $39 04
• 10AM • - 5PM Get your star gazing going with a trip to the ANNIE LEIBOVITZ EXHIBITION at the Museum of Contemporary Art. Get a load of a naked and pregnant Demi Moore for 05 only $10 (Running until April 26) • 77pm Ditch the Southern Cross tattoos and show your SAT patriotism by checking out the AUSTRALIAN FILM FESTIVAL’S screening of A HEARTBEAT AWAY, Randwick Ritz, $13 12th 12• -7PM Wrap up your weekend with some afternoon 07 delight at GARDEN MUSIC. Take a picnic and dance the day away to the sounds of Jonathan Boulet, Jinja Safari, Deep Sea Arcade and more. Taking SUN over Government House, $25 • 9pm Last chance to check out the culinary delights at the TASTE OF SYDNEY food fest! Get your finger 08 licking going at Centennial Park for $25 entry
6.45• PM Bring your ironic moustache along for the FRENCH FILM FESTIVAL’s screening of LES ARRIVANTS (THE ARRIVALS), Palace Norton St, $15.50. BYO baguettes MON • 7:30pm Jazz lovers! CRAIG SCOTT & FRIENDS bring a Monday night alternative to a sleazy night at Scubar. Sweet tunes abound from the Music Cafe, The Con $10 DISCLAIMER THE LOVECHILD: Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney, O RETRACTION Level 1 Wentworth Building, City Road, University of Sydney, NSW, 2006. The SRC’s Germaine Greer operation costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Adam Sandler The editors of Honi Soit would Sydney. The editors of Honi Soit and the SRC acknowledge the traditional owners of this land, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Honi Soit is written, printed, and like to apologise for the swarm distributed on Aboriginal land. Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the SRC’s of locusts we released last directors of student publications: Pat Massarani, Rhys Pogonoski, Deborah White, The DVC week. We admit that this Pierce Hartigan, Alistair Stephenson and Meghan Bacheldor. All expressions are both exceeded our authority published on the basis that they are not to be regarded as the opinions of the SRC replies unless specifically stated. The Council accepts no responsibility for the accuracy as editors and violated a to Andy TUE of any of the opinions or information contained within this newspaper, nor does it substantial number of health endorse any of the advertisements and insertions. Honi Soit is printed by MPD. Fraser! codes. Our hats are off to the ADVERTISING: To advertise in Honi Soit, contact Tina Kao or Amanda LeMay [email protected] Andy fiesty engineering student who www.src.usyd.edu.au managed to recapture about responds 60% of them - you will be p.6 missed, whoever you were. THIS WEEK’S TEAM
(This week it will be bats.) EDITOR IN CHIEF WAZOO: Laurence Rosier Staines EDITORS: Jacqueline Breen, Neada Bulseco, DAD JOKE OF THE WEEK: James Colley, Bridie Connell, Shannon Connellan, 4 Andy Fraser, Julian Larnach, Michael Richardson, Tom “See you at tennish?” This ain’t so bad. Walker
“Tennish? But I haven’t got a racquet!” REPORTERS: Hannah Bruce, Monica Connors, Shaun The Crowe, Paul Ellis, Laurence Del Gigante, Jim Fishwick, week in Michelle Garrett, Hannah Lee, Chris Martin, Hannah Morris, James O’Doherty, Mekela Panditharante, verse: Hannah Ryan, Tim Scriven, Felix Supernova it’s art, HONEY SUAVE CONTRIBUTOR: Carl Recsei bitch You are like a rave tent CROSSWORD: Mark Sutton because I just want to THU go crazy inside of you. COMIC: Cyrus Bezyan & Tom Walker COVER: Illustration by Caitlin Kenny, colouring by Michael Richardson, lolz by Julian Larnach & Laurence Rosier Staines 6
Vulla facipsum HONI SOIT zzriureros doloborer WEEK 2 ISSUE aciliquamBUILD A doluptatieBEAR tie feugait alit 8TH MAR 2011 utatem iliqui CONTENTS tat. Molore consequat, MAIL PROFILE sis del utpat. 04 So we have mail now. Including one 11 TIM SCRIVEN has a tea with Cat Duis am il do from the office of The Spence. Rose, the convener of Community Action Against Homophobia. 9 CAMPUS 05 HONILEAKS grills Manning, the FEATURE shortened revue season and UNION 12 JACQUELINE BREEN logs on to the French UNION UNION! afterlife, exploring grief and social LAURENCE DEL GIGANTE looks at the media. kiss a English faculty’s boom. ANDY FRASER and the USU cosy up. THE ARTS BIT dead JAMES O’DOHERTY loves college. 14 CHRIS MARTIN reviews Radiohead’s tongue SHANNON CONNELLAN takes a look at The King of Limbs. the Con’s Conversation publication. HANNAH BRUCE snaps up the new Leibovitz exhibition. 07 NEWS MEKELA PANDITHARANTE tells you PAGE ... 16? about International Women’s Day. 16 CARL RECSEI is not Kyle Reese from SHAUN CROWE waxes lyrical on the The Terminator, but still has some 16 week that was. things to say about fighting robots. MICHAEL RICHARDSON is a ‘new games journalist’. It’s a thing. FARRAGO A big 08 HANNAH MORRIS just can’t face SRC GRIBBLIES Facebook anymore. goddamn 17 Reports from the President, FELIX SUPERNOVA is a dick from beyond the grave. General Secretary, Education Officers & Welfare Officers. crossword TIM SCRIVEN argues for the internet’s potential for social change. TOM WALKER tells you about CRYPTONOMICON torrents - and how to torrent them! 20 Crossword by MARK SUTTON Comic by CYRUS BEZYAN & TOM MON SPORT WALKER 10 PAUL ELLIS talks about that game you play with your feet and a ball. 20 JACQUELINE BREEN learns the ju-dos and ju-don’ts of Judo ... yep, I really just wrote that. 3 ?
University. It is hoped that agreement on the detail the Anti Racism Collective (ARC). SEND YOUR MAIL TO: will be reached in the next few months and that We were denied a stall at O-Week,
letters there will be a transition of commercial operations our funding was slashed and any effort to [email protected] by the end of the year. make an appeal was ignored. Sidler is part of a hard-right faction of the Young Liberals, a party The Union has a long and proud history of which is known to be anti-unions and anti-student enhancing student life on campus and the USU organisations. When Young Liberals have gained and the University both want to make sure that control of student unions, they have attempted to continues. stamp out student activism. Im some cases, like at Melbourne Uni and Macquarie, they have run the Professor Derrick Armstrong, unions into bankruptcy. We held a protest stall to THE Deputy Vice-Chancellor (Education) & Registrar not only let students of our university what is going on, but also to send a message to those in the SRC EDITORIAL that we won’t be taking this kind of treatment lying Week two is upon us, as is the The USU says down. Week two edition of Honi Soit. By now you have determined which something different We are not the only collective at risk: publication of the Women’s handbook, “Growing Strong” lectures you can unashamedly sleep Dear Honi, through and have Face-stalked any was pushed to semester two, making it virtually inaccessible to students. The Climate Action smokin’ hotties in your tutorials. In light of last week’s article on the USU-University Collective had their submissions for the Orientation negotiations, I write to provide some clarification Handbook removed and have had similar - if not The next step, if our calculations are correct, for our members and the student body. is a few weeks of being kept afloat by alcohol, more subversive - battles to the ARC. adrenaline and nocturnal excursions, then the Firstly, there is no formal agreement on the But student activists will not stop campaigning eventual sinking into a digital mire of late night University’s proposed transfer of the USU’s simply because some right-wing bullies don’t like e-procrastination. Nothing could be more natural. commercial operations. We have serious concerns us. about the proposed loss of revenue, loss of student In line with the internet’s now-clichéd permeation control and the loss of operations that are intrinsic Eleanor claims that the banning of spruiking is a of everything, we present a vaguely digitally- to the student experience, like the bars. themed Honi. In these pages you will find articles logical and worthy move of the University for the smooth-running of O-Week, but spruiking rights on the way social networking affects the grieving Contrary to the impression given in last week’s are actually given only to those who can pay - process, the internet’s capacity for inciting political article we have done everything we can to share this year’s highest bidders were Vodafone and revolutions, torrenting advice, complaints about our concerns with the membership and inform Commonwealth Bank. Our university should not be Facebook and SMS and also some stuff about them about what’s happening with the University. a place where corporate money can buy student robots. Who doesn’t like robots? Get outta here. We held a forum on this in 2009, we have provided opinion and attention. updates in The Bull and last year we frequently Of course, this is in addition to our usual swathe of asked Honi to report on the issue -to that end we’re news, views and reviews. Also, follow the arrows Let’s correct some more facts: We were not very pleased that this Honi is taking this issue as protesting in front of any stalls, just in open area, for the blowback from a campus news article last seriously as we are. More importantly, we have week. Curiouser and curiouser ... and had notified those we were near of our been negotiating with the University in good faith intentions. Eleanor asked us to point to an SRC Finally, if anything inspires, offends or otherwise and it hasn’t been appropriate to be running a policy supporting a cause we campaign for. She elicits a reaction, send us an email or else we’ll just public campaign at the same time. only needs to look through the SRC minutes from every executive and general meeting this year to use this page to store pictures of unicorns. Last year as part of those negotiations the see the clear acts of censorship imposed upon the University signalled [sic] it’s [sic] commitment ARC by Chad and his friends. Further, the tickets Laurence Rosier Staines to student control of the student experience most councillors ran on in last year’s election have editor-for-life and a joint vehicle to jointly run the commercial clear links to the Young Liberal Party, who ran on operations, with the exclusion of the bars. We “Stop the Boats”, a racist fear-mongering slogan. thought this was a very positive step; they have Furthermore, Eleanor quotes one of our chants, however, reneged on this agreement. Whilst we but she - perhaps deliberately - misquotes us: A response from the are willing to re-engage with the University with our full chant was “Stop the Intervention, Free negotiations, we still have serious reservations DVC’s office the Refugees. We will fight the Liberals til we free about their proposals and we reject any suggestion the SRC!”. The material we were handing out was Last week’s article Union Losing Dollars and Spence that we’ve reached an agreement at this time. also very clear about our aims, which were clear contained some serious errors of fact and gave a As the year progresses, depending on how the to everyone who read it. Perhaps in her mission misleading picture of the current negotiations with negotiations go, it may be necessary to run a more to slander the ARC, Eleanor forgot to read our the University of Sydney Union. public campaign. material to gain facts and instead went on naive It is important to note that that the investigation We appreciate the patience and support of our hearsay. into the Union’s electoral issues was requested by members at this time and we will continue to We would like to mention briefly that we have a member of the Union Board and is provided for provide updates. in the Union’s own constitution. This investigation applied to Honi to have an article published about honi has our treatment by the SRC, which was denied on is entirely independent of the University’s current Yours sincerely, nothing to say the grounds of there not being enough room in the negotiations with the Union. about these David Mann developments. publication - yet there was room for a half page For some time now the University and USU have spread condemning us. We feel Honi needs to USU President Just kiddinG - been in discussion about the best way to guarantee Page 6, reassess its values. the long term financial viability of the Union and bitches. ensure it can continue to provide a wide range of Finally, Honi contacted two of our members in activities and programs for students. regards to writing an article about the protest stall in “HoniLeaks”. It was not mentioned that an Unfortunately for some time now the USU’s opinion piece would be published. Who are the commercial operations have not been financially Honi editors afraid of? viable, only being maintained with extensive The Anti-Racism funding and subsidies provided by the University. The ARC will continue to fight censorship by Chad The University also provides more than $4m Collective bites back and the Liberals and mobilise students to against annually for the upkeep and maintenance of its Budding journalists are meant to search for truth, racism. Eleanor is welcome to join us in that fight. buildings which are occupied by the Union. not simply editorialise, however Eleanor Gordon- The ARC meets on Mondays, at 12pm on the New Smith’s opinion piece in last week’s Honi lacks both Our discussions with the USU are focussed on Law Lawns. Come learn about our causes and join journalistic integrity and an ability to deliver simple the need to place the Union on a sound financial in the fight to save student activism! facts. footing to enable it to do what it does best as the Laura Hopkins, major provider of activities for students. We Let’s set the record straight. Upon gaining control Anti-Racism Collective are agreed that responsibility for food, and of the SRC - on a sham campaign that insulted 4 retail outlets should be transferred to the voters - Chad Sidler and his cronies set out to attack "
Students’ Representative Council HoniLeaks JULIAN LARNACH and MICHAEL RICHARDSON The University of Sydney are registering their names as trademarks.
News of the possibility of a shortened revue season has hit the University of Sydney. The Revue season is a chance for the faculties of the university to show The SRC provides the following off their creative side, sponsored by the University of Sydney Union and usually
services to SRC members... running for six weeks. The shortened season will run for three weeks, apparently campus on order from the Seymour Centre who don’t want their space consumed by one market for too long. This will force a schedule of at most two shows per week into Student Support & Advocacy a tense period with shows forced to compete for audiences. With Revue season • Centrelink Advice ASK US already stretching students’ budgets, this will, as Commerce Revue Co-Director Ian • Academic Appeals Ferrington put it, “cannibalise crowds”. Education and Social Work Revue Director ABOUT Rhys Evans stated that the move will ‘railroad shows into certain venues’, with • Discontinuing/Withdrawing newly formed revues such as Queer and Women’s into the Downstairs Theatre • Students at Risk whilst the more established revues will fight it out for the Everest and York. The • Show Cause York, the largest Seymour Centre theatre, will likely hold the largest revues: Law, • Exclusion Science and Medicine. • Tenancy Advice • Fee Refunds SRC Sexual Harassment Officer and unsuccessful Union Board candidate Tom Lee • Harassment & Discrimination was banned from Manning and Hermann’s for two months after sneaking into the over-capacity O-Week Under the Sea UV Party. “Wish Sydney Uni students would • International Students get a bit of Libyan about them and just rush the manning doors,” he tweeted. Also • Plagiarism & misconduct attempting to get into Beachball, Tom Lee was met by an army of bouncers and the licensee. We’re not taking sides on this, just saying people have done some bad things in these places and haven’t been banned. Like ‘that’ Engineering guy SRC Legal Service - NEW! having sex in the toilets. That’s right, even he’s getting some. • Referrals • Discrimination & Equal Opportunity • Employment law If you’re wondering why the Manning BBQ has vanished, it’s all above board; the BBQ needs a cage to comply with health and safety, and will be back in April. • Minor criminal matters/traffic offences/ fines Rumours that the bar was being sued for food poisoning have been dispelled. • Victims of violence • Debts SRC Books - Big savings on textbooks on campus! English Faculty Reshuffle • Buy & sell your textbooks LAURENCE DEL GIGANTE explores the potential strain • Search for books online at www.src.usyd.edu.au the English Faculty faces as student numbers boom. Located: Wentworth Level 4 (opposite the International Lounge) The English Department at the University more funding to extend and deepen of Sydney is currently finalising a review its research culture and to improve its Emergency Loans which will significantly alter the study of already healthy publication record. The English at USYD. department attracts substantial research $50 emergency loans for students in need investment in the form of grants, but “In 2011 [the department] will be offering these are proportional to the amount of marginally fewer units – without, it is Student Publications time professors have to engage with their believed, under- or misrepresenting research. • Honi Soit - the SRC’s weekly newspaper the discipline or impoverishing the pick-up a copy available on campus experience of the students,” says The review stipulates more staff and Department Chair Will Christie in late more funding which equates to more • Student Handbooks: O-week, Counter Course, 2010. “Where in 2010 we were teaching free time and a lighter work load to International Students & Women’s Handbooks. 52 units at undergraduate level, in 2011 engage in more scholarly pursuits, as we will be teaching 48.” well as an increased quality of teaching. Additionally, the introduction of Student Rights & Representation The combined undergraduate courses undergraduate creative writing courses SRC Representatives are directly elected by students offered by the department of English has been proposed. regularly receives enrolment of between each year to stand up for students’ rights on campus 1800 and 2200 students per semester, “One way of rationalising our offerings and in the wider community. representing approximately 40% of that was proposed was to cut out students enrolled in Arts faculty units of completely the advanced units and/or study. These students are taught by 29 reduce the numbers of honours seminar BECOME A MEMBER! staff members in the department, down courses required for 4th year students,” Join in person at the SRC Office from 53 in 1991. Enrolments in English Christie says. have continued to increase while the “Both, it seems to us, would be most or SRC Bookshop (details below) department diminishes in size, which only unfortunate.” leads to a compromised education for all We are located at.. students and staff. At the moment, the department is considering introducing more stringent Level 1 Wentworth Building “There is a perception within the SRC prerequisites for the advanced units down Stai department at the moment that its (under City Rd footbridge) RS of study, as well as restructuring some scholarly activities are being seriously Ph: 02 9660 5222 senior units to incorporate lectures to compromised by an unduly heavy Student cover content heavy subjects. www.src.usyd.edu.au Central teaching and marking load. Marking loads If you are at another campus, wentworth building are currently running at a phenomenal The changes are expected to become email: [email protected] 500,000 words per semester and often effective this year, or the next, once the more,” says Christie. review has been finalised. The review aims to reduce pressure In this, it is straining for a compromise on professors and also increase the between quality and burden. The SRC’s operational costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. quality of learning for students. The department would also like to attract 5
Please phone us before bringing in your books. Please phone us before and reserve a book. and reserve NEW Location! Building Level 4, Wentworth • We buy & sell textbooks according to demand buy & sell textbooks according • We can sell your books on consignment. • You open to USYD students & the public are • We for text books online Search www.src.usyd.edu.au/default.php Call 02 9660 4756 to check availability (Next to the International Lounge) Hours: Mondays to Fridays 9am - 4.30pm Phone: (02) 9660 4756 Email: [email protected] on
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o Main Gate R r e www.src.usyd.edu.au h Mereweather is F Current second-hand text books on sale now! Current googled ‘goon’. googled inspiration in inspiration Conversation This image came up when we up when we came This image handwriting and thoughtful sketches; a sketches; handwriting and thoughtful pages. these into has gone lot of love performance from ranges The content to reviews to theatre notices gonzo- a to musician profiles student in of a performance account style to all us takes Yeldham which Justice as and uses a piece of glass Radtown the spread, In a double an instrument. Association Students Conservatorium as ‘totem introduced are Executive cut-out haphazardly with animals’, and owls of cheetahs images magazine Adorably the pages. to roughly ‘stuck’ analogue. Cheng finds and independent press street Australian combining his arts publications, to with a need handmade aesthetic of a wide range cover professionally “A projects. creative Sydney-based of publication press street favourite and with interesting mine is RealTime, artistic to responses informed well “I hope he says. Australia,” in practice in this direction Conversation steer to – writing about a spectrum of creative myself exposing and Sydney, in practice than our more to colleagues and my world.” musical immediate , of Conversation copy pick up your To at find it online can you http://conconversation.wordpress.com/ the Music or pick one up from and Con library. Cafe with up a Conversation strikes CONNELLAN SHANNON own of Music’s Conservatorium of the editor the new publication. The Conversation hits stands at the Con at hits stands The Conversation for another is flowing The Conversation Cheng, current the Con. Ivan at year publication of the fortnightly Editor of Music of the Conservatorium into has put a lot of love Conversation with the pencil- publication, this year’s on stands booklet handmade A4 drawn, now. born as the was Conversation the rebanded mouthpiece to Association Students Conservatorium as a fortnightly in 2009. Conceived bag it functioned as a mixed publication, opinion articles, reviews, of publication and a whole satire, horoscopes, novelty the was “It shindiggery. written lot more lunchtimes,” forecourt of sunny fodder Cheng. says together issue first Cheng put this year’s hands. Flipping two with his own magazine, the A4 self-stapled through and first-person the DIY aesthetic the mistake one to cause might content “The journal. own Cheng’s for magazine not only as an introduction issue stands but representatives, student our new to running up to also as a diary… the week day.” press publication. is a playful Conversation with an the rules Cheng thwarts reader, for the respect affectionate formatting conventional throwing smile. the wind with a polite rules to Photoshop- completely issue is The first his own Cheng has drawn free. words own his hand-written layouts, Each and pencilled his own graphics. embellished with neat article is lovingly
Honi Soit more relaxed approach to initiation rituals. Students Students rituals. initiation to approach relaxed more drink – although to forced no longer supposedly, are, the memo. get didn’t seem to Paul’s at the mentors down made to were some freshers Anecdotally fresher a Drew’s one saw Night the week. over goon A senior. a Paul’s (and hospitalise) sucker-punch elicited night the second Wesley at over party toga and using room an unclaimed dump in a Wesley a drunken even was as urinals. There showers a cup for save naked, around man walking Drew’s dick it out, my people, “check telling his crotch, over Tooheys.” by is sponsored This also controlled. was the seniors Hazing from 5.30am, running of bed at out being forced involved and singing kneeling campus, the university around some it lost However, chants. college traditional only half the freshers that the fact by grandeur half stayed other The smarter bother. seemed to other aspect the miss it. This highlighted in bed to was all participation mentioning: worth of O-Week as have to wanted just and the seniors voluntary, stories all the horror After much fun as the freshers. a it was of demeaning rituals and peer pressure, old where culture college find a surprise to pleasant so seriously. taken aren’t traditions theme of college the general note, On that A whole year. the for the scene has set orientation drinking and socialising is of traditions, culture it, you feeling aren’t but if you the taking, for there home and at staying on for down be looked won’t rap bad of a how I know year, As a second studying. bad. not that we’re In reality, get. students college drunk. getting like just We is the declaration is the declaration
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for those that missed of a commercial services agreement. services agreement. of a commercial claims But hold the phone. Armstrong and the Union have the university that and food, for responsibility that “agreed to should be transferred outlets retail Mann and while David the University”, suggestion any “reject the Union Board at an agreement reached [they’ve] that somebody must Now Zowie! this time”. doesn’t person a fib and if that be telling for the time out soon it’s forward come to an answer tuned for Stay both of you. win a chance to your and for the mystery goose*. gooooolden competition *Conditions apply: all be geese. must applicants makes no claims to the contrary and the contrary no claims to makes thought if you fool be a dayum you’d The you). for star otherwise (no gold the be made regarding to only point disqualified Board of two repercussions on the Union’s is its effect members viability in a negotiating diplomatic realm. of ingredient notable the most far By to Honi sent the letters For all you intent followers – ye star star – ye followers intent all you For stickers star gold pupils with your the electoral that says – Armstrong VC and the by (launched investigation is indeed senate) the by conducted of current independent entirely negotiations. University-Union until this until
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UNI vs. USU ROUND 2 ROUND vs. USU UNI
, , Union Losing Dollars and Spence I <3 College!!!!!!1 JAMES O’DOHERTY also hearts goon. also hearts goon. O’DOHERTY JAMES ANDY FRASER is holding a competition. Read on for details! for on Read competition. is holding a FRASER ANDY information has come to light that needs that to light come has information that be told to No one likes addressing. the this is why Perhaps wrong. are they responded in office has Vice Chancellor’s manner defensive an unprecedentedly I this is also why p. 4). Perhaps (refer: Professor with an interview am pursuing regarding (Deputy VC) Derrick Armstrong article week’s last that his accusation of fact”; this errors “serious contained and to be substantiated needs allegation towards will be directed the interview finding out said errors. that the point does raise Armstrong the Union Board’s into the investigation by a Union requested was 2010 election was that information director, Board Honi Soit to not presented Michael reportedly is time. This director that only assume Buckland. One can due Buckland supports the investigation during the his backing of Deb White to considering the potential 2010 election, in the board to be elected her to for back. It is equally of a count event to according that, note to important still the it is constitution, the Union’s (Michael Spence’s) Vice Chancellor’s the to initiate whether prerogative investigation. There is a psychological technique that that technique is a psychological There socially be used when reducing can two between tendencies aversive common of a parties: the introduction If Honi Soit enemy. enough, well and the Union University along. they’ll get maybe both just article week’s of last follow-up In a brief titled As far as university personalities go, there are few few are there go, personalities as university As far in travel They fresher. insular than the college more lunch in class and rush home every you ignore packs, this through even speaks, existence The fresher hour. So, in time. with origins lost of traditions punctuation, college of the concept the to demystify in an attempt the university to freshers and introduce O-Week a ‘O-Week, present: now we large, at community Tale.’ Fresher’s arriving (parents students expect: It begins, as you’d dust- Audis and the occasional in Beamers, in tow) the Hume. Bright-eyed from Holden straight covered smiling at stairs, up and down furniture move students speeches dinners, Formal looking their best. everyone, no wastes administration and trivialities ensue. College prestige the to business, cultivating down getting time We resent. students non-college many and pride that to for being lucky enough back-patted continuously are problems world true. As first – and it’s college attend none. have essentially we go, leave, teary parents to bed and the go the suits After replaced off, come gowns Academic fun starts. the real initiation! fresher Time for goon. with academic (and feared the most one of initiation, Fresher have seems to O-Week, aspects of College revered) college Media scrutiny, with age. some lustre lost a enforced have and pesky litigation administration
campus 6 " E Why does International The Conversation hits stands at the Con Women’s Day matter? News Tuesday March 8 is the 100th anniversary of International Women’s Day. In MEKELA PANDITHARANTE covers the girl power. Briefs What is the most provocative we play in these various spheres. that was owned by everyone, f-word? Forget your basic curses and Second: there remains progress to with no boundaries between rich The week that was in verse with profanities – if you want to get a big be made in the advancement of and poor, Muslims and Christians, SHAUN CROWE. reaction, “feminism” is your best bet. women’s rights across the world. In women and men.” Ultimately, we Feminism has made the transition developed nations, women remain should be looking to a future where Each week when we’re scouring the news, from pertinaciously powerful to under-represented in the political female voices and leaders have an About Egypt or maybe Tom Cruise, possessing all the charisma of an system and underpaid as working equitable role in shaping. We highlight and synthesise, airborne disease in the space of a professionals. In developing nations, Draw out the truth from the lies, few decades. At the recent launch of gender-based violence, maternal Advocates around the world work So in tutes you are not forced to lose. an International Women’s Day stamp health, educational disparities and to make International Women’s series, Prime Minister Julia Gillard, economic hardship are in dire need Day matter. Various breakfasts, To Libya the revolution has spread, By Gaddafi they refuse to be led, the Australia Post executive director of attention. brunches and dinners are scattered His speech has been hazy, and even the notorious Germaine across Sydney featuring inspiring International Women’s Day is keynote speakers from a range of If not bat-shit crazy, Greer failed to mention the term. As the people still call for his head. When questioned Greer replied: important because it emerges backgrounds. There are also artistic from the political quagmire to say and cultural events, as well as a “Feminism? Oh it’s such an old- New Zealand continues to cope with the quake, simply this: we should celebrate rally for equal pay on March 12. fashioned word anyway.” Her peers Which put so much life and prosperity at stake, went further, describing the f-word as the past achievements of women, You can get directly involved or How odd to place a limit, traditionalist and conservative. The and we should also look to the even just take the time to rethink On that thing called Aussie Spirit, semantic battle – over the radicalness challenges ahead. On this, the 100th any reservations about activism on When it’s obviously there across the lake. anniversary of the day, we can be women’s issues. As Sen Raj, a friend or conservativeness of the term – news reveals the latent political nature of buoyant about the fact that we are and proudly self-proclaimed male Julia Gillard has a mountain to climb, the debate. tracing a positive trajectory towards feminist, observes, “the human On the great moral challenge of our time, the elimination of obstacles to rights of women are an issue for “It’ll make us all richer, There are two bare facts that all equity. We live in dynamic times, and all people, regardless of sexuality Just see the big picture!” young women (and men) should the voices of women are being heard or gender.” Dare to dream of a day This ain’t about ethics, just a dime. agree upon regardless of political or like never before. At the last UN when we don’t need the slightly Republicans are threat’ning a lock-down, social persuasion. First: the women Commission on the Status of Women, frightening prospect of a tiny, To reclaim the Obama crown, who preceded us have done an three Egyptian women shared their mulish Germaine Greer silently Democrats must spend less, extraordinary amount to ensure that experiences of calling for democratic lecturing us from a postage stamp To reduce fiscal stress, we have greater access to the social, transformation during the recent to remind us of the formidable Or everything stops in Washington town. professional and political spheres of demonstrations. One said that her achievements of women in the past life. Moreover they have done a great life would be forever shaped by the century. The death penalty for poor Bradley Manning? deal to ensure that we have greater moment in Tahrir Square when she Terrorists he was supposedly fanning, choice in determining what roles realised that “this was a revolution As a foe of the state, The law governs his fate, And on The Chair his skin might be tanning.
see Another chapter in the story of Sheen, internationalwomensday.http:// Who has a penchant for more than caffeine, org.aau/iwd/Events/ns At the studio’s behest, He was forced to drug test, for more information. w And was proven miraculously clean.
Best Actor for Britain’s Colin Firth, To Jane Austen fans the hottest bloke on earth, He beat out Jesse Eisenberg, SAVEon A second-rate Mark Zuckerberg, No match for his bumbling English mirth.
Playing on a flat Bangalore wicket, Fact: Ireland beat England in the World Cup of cricket, So out of left field, Time began in 1954. Was this soft Pommy yield, BOOKS That only Indian bookies could pick it. get your Textbooks CheAp Current second-hand text books on sale now! HONI FROM THE VAULT “Review of the Gay Mardi Gras” - Issue 2, 1986 www.src.usyd.edu.au As the t-shirt of one sexually emancipated this Honi Soit reporter saw gay nurses, • We buy & sell textbooks according to demand gentleman so aptly read, ‘Closets are for soldiers, surfers, doctors, dinosaurs, brides, • You can sell your books on consignment. clothes’. No single statement could have nuns, even a gay pope! There were Gays Please phone us before bringing in your books. been a more accurate description of the Gay for Catholicism, an exhibition of the macho • We are open to USYD students & the public Mardi Gras of Saturday, February 22nd. The fruits of ‘Queens-land’ and all manner of Festival was an indication of the growing entertainment for the young-at-heart and Search for text books online number of ‘un-closeted’ homosexuals in limp-at-wrist. Eastern Avenue Carslaw www.src.usyd.edu.au/default.php Sydney. Yet I, like many of the thousands of In spite of the outward gaiety, I detected an Call 02 9660 4756 to check availability heterosexual onlookers, found the mobile F underlying tone of serious concern for the ish er and reserve a book. homo-sexibition to be for the most part Roa d Footbridge AIDS problem throughout the proceedings. Main Gate entertaining, and I believe the organisers Jane Foss NEW Location! This was evident, as many concerned This image came up when we CITY ROAD deserve congratulations. Butlin Avenue Level 4, Wentworth Building elements within the parade were distributing googled ‘goon’. Level 4 (Next to the International Lounge) Oxford Street, the traditional haunt of gay large quantities of literature pertaining to Mereweather Wentworth Hours: Mondays to Fridays 9am - 4.30pm night life was transformed into a sensational the ‘Safe Sex’ movement. This faction of the Phone: (02) 9660 4756 carnivale, not dissimilar to something one gay society seems (at least temporarily) to Email: [email protected] might expect to experience at a New Year’s have had a pleasing effect on the attitude of Eve Festival in Rio-de-Janiro. the gay community towards proven ‘unsafe’ sexual practicies. Contrary to Reverend Fred There were many eyebrow-raising Nile’s predictions, the Mardi Gras did not homosexual manifestations of many contain foul exhibitionism or sexual activity ... traditionally ‘straight’ typecasts. For example, 7 The idea that the internettool is for a spreading powerful democracy recently, thought was, to until be glib - of an technological triumphalism. instance Now it’s in vogue again. It seems almost that undeniable the ongoing revolutions Arabian around Peninsula the are being coordinated in some part via writer-journalistGladwell, Malcom skeptic, the internet. But believes that risky one social activism depends on strong social formed via the internet. bonds I think wrong. he’s that cannot be An astonishing invention once allowed a series of revolutions to sweep broadening the world, by orders of number of magnitude people the who speed the increasing and discussion political could partake in at which ideas could flow. printing This press, which was certainly didn’t work the by creating strong social all. at bonds any create it did rarely - people bonds to between people more allowing by worked it Instead about including join ideas, the conversation how is this suggesting not I’m ideas. political the internet works, but clearly social bonds are not the beginning and end of political change through communication networks. Here’s one way the internet to could work bring having Even claim. Gladwell’s contradicting about social someone with bond social strong particularly a change without does ofnot grant the power amongtelepathy; close friends there are delays in of the information. spread Gladwell makes a America of60s in sit-ins point waves the to referring of but even by his own account these built It is days. difficult over for againstrevolutions up in a similar gradually to build regimes brutal manner because the this first leaves protestors very vulnerable. But the internet allows large protests to begin very suddenly, because the virally of spread times can and dates event the many ofcourse are There friend. to friend from a other sudden ways protest can -be achieved massacre, a like event triggering a instance, for - but the internet is one powerful tool among many for solving coordination problems. There’s circularity in Gladwell’s that argument since the revolutions of been the all past about have close bonds, so revolutions. must The future claim me I are making is and that the internet others creates qualitatively a new like approach to social action. Steven Pinker recently ran an argument that a key to revolutions is a phenomenon called common knowledge. Everyone’s been in situation a where they agrees. else someone think whether know don’t they something, but Without entering into the finer points of the argument, what if revolutions are people at like a bar who two each rather fancy access to the pants. other’s Neither dares say a word though, not knowing hate may in a dictatorship everyone the Similarly, other’s feelings. the dictator, but no one has a chance to say it for fear of being ratted on, and this clamp on free expression rising up. But prevents the internet is a people more difficult beast from for autocrats to tame. It can overcome this coordination problem in a novel way. The of empyrical internetquestion the any makes revolutions evidence aiding from revolutions not Articulating recent “if the ”, process but is that easy, not “how”. but necessarily possibilities certainly this believe is exist. one of the most Iimportant new questions in social theory. It’s time to exploring these start possibilities in greater detail, both for their intrinsic interest, and so we can strugglinggroups aid to possible everything do to liberate themselves around the world. TIM SCRIVEN discusses the discusses TIM SCRIVEN internet social revolution. and The Web That Binds That Web The
settings there is little time to actually examine your profile and see what information you information whatsee and are are sharing and in what ways Facebook has tapped into your your into tapped has Facebook privacy. privacy. It makes you wonder just how much Facebook expects you to give up in order to create the ultimate social experience it so desires. so it experience social
to to and proceed to play with without questionare in actuality serving to connect us in an unprecedented manner through the public sharing of our private information.
You You may have noticed thatthe advertisements that run down the right hand side of Facebook seem personally geared towards you. That’s That’s you. towards geared personally because Facebook provides your information to third party groups that advertise on the website in order to more effectively target their particular markets or demographics. Only recently did Facebook alter its privacy settings so that default the setting for information sharing was that Facebook would release your information to websites, games and applications whenever any your of Facebook friends used them, thus effectively removing your control over your personal information and leaving it to your ‘friends’.
On their privacy settings page, Facebook justifies these actions with the somewhat sinister slogan ‘The more info you share, the more social the experience’. What frightens
me however is that Facebook is so
prolific in updating and changing its
children’s faces if we have any. have we if faces children’s
photoshopped onto my spouse’s and and spouse’s my onto photoshopped
photos on here too, with Lucy’s face face Lucy’s with too, here on photos
I’ll probably dump all my family family my all dump probably I’ll
and sell them to communist China. China. communist to them sell and
the government steal our thoughts thoughts our steal government the
put fluoride in the water to help help to water the in fluoride put
with ramblings about how aliens aliens how about ramblings with
on the Window Licker EP intercut intercut EP Licker Window the on
visualised will make images like like images make will visualised
I’ll have white noise, which when when which noise, white have I’ll
conspiratorial video and audio files. files. audio and video conspiratorial
going to fill this with enigmatic enigmatic with this fill to going
digital ephemera in one place. I’m I’m place. one in ephemera digital
however this one collates all your your all collates one this however
MyLifeBits is yet another database, database, another yet is MyLifeBits
debilitating shame. debilitating
shelves. Oh the shame, the harrowing, harrowing, the shame, the Oh shelves.
a Glenn Beck book somewhere in the the in somewhere book Beck Glenn a
nappies for the washing up and hiding hiding and up washing the for nappies
pages of Fantastic Mr. Fox, using cloth cloth using Fox, Mr. Fantastic of pages
the best: gluing together selected selected together gluing best: the with my online life. Simple steps are are steps Simple life. online my with
park. I don’t even skate!”park. even I don’t
blindingly obvious when compared compared when obvious blindingly
with my real life that will become become will that life real my with
need some (albeit buried) consistency consistency buried) (albeit some need legal activity, Facebook then created
the ‘see friendship’ the‘see option, distressing a unfortunate thing about this is it will will it is this about thing unfortunate amalgamation of all the information it could find on two people and
fusing them together under another creating a furry Second Life avatar. The The avatar. Life Second furry a creating arbitrarily chosen “friendship photo”.
3) And who can forget ‘Photo
as my handle) and possibly even even possibly and handle) my as memories’, that universally abhorred
feature feature in the right hand column that (I’m thinking commanderinchimp69 commanderinchimp69 thinking (I’m only ever seems to feature photos of one’s one’s current boyfriend or girlfriend
making out with their ex, or photos of
DiaperBook.com, a Fox news profile profile news Fox a DiaperBook.com, your friends at parties thatyou weren’t
invited invited to? It was almost as if the communities as possible, spanning spanning possible, as communities programmers of Facebook thought it would be a hilarious prank to give the
feature feature the misnomer Photo Memories
to join as many freakishly absurd absurd freakishly many as join to when it should be A Slideshow of Fun
Times Being Had By Everybody Else
to online communities. Here I plan plan I Here communities. online to That Make Me Want to Cry or Question
My Current RelationshipStatus.
a database for all your memberships memberships your all for database a The Social Network may have given
us all the idea that Facebook is an too, but its key feature is serving as as serving is feature key its but too, innocent social networking site that
simply taps into the needs of this
generation’s technologically savvy, Entrustet.com compiles passwords passwords compiles Entrustet.com information-hungry and socially wired population. But over the last few
years, years, Facebook has slowly but surely
become a more invasive social tool. All
way. She’ll be devastated (lol). (lol). devastated be She’ll way. the tweaks and changes that we adapt
who out competes her in every single single every in her competes out who
that I’ve had an affair with someone someone with affair an had I’ve that
Upon my death my spouse will think think will spouse my death my Upon
friend the hottest person on the list. list. the on person hottest the friend
search this name on Facebook, and and Facebook, on name this search
name – let’s say Lucy McMahon. I’ll I’ll McMahon. Lucy say let’s – name “So I bought Greece and turned it into a skate
acquire one) and one random female female random one and one) acquire
spouse (assuming I live long enough to to enough long live I (assuming spouse
around five to ten younger than my my than younger ten to five around
change all my passwords to a date date a to passwords my all change other familial trivia. My plan is to to is plan My trivia. familial other
two- acedtwo- book
It’s now even easier to stalk even HANNAHnow It’s MORRIS.
himself with post-mortem e-chaos. e-chaos. post-mortem with himself
are loved one’s birthdays, names or or names birthdays, one’s loved are
that a high proportion of passwords passwords of proportion high a that
death or disability. It’s well known known well It’s disability. or death
be recovered in the event of your your of event the in recovered be
passwords on a database that can can that database a on passwords
among other things, stores all your your all stores things, other among
LegacyLocker.com is a service that, that, service a is LegacyLocker.com
beyond the grave. the beyond
know, I can keep being a dick from from dick a being keep can I know,
Assange-like ‘doomsday files’, so, you you so, files’, ‘doomsday Assange-like
passwords, blog memberships and and memberships blog passwords,
horrific secrets embedded in my my in embedded secrets horrific
going to leave a trail of increasingly increasingly of trail a leave to going through all my online content, I’m I’m content, online my all through Over the summer, many of us
experienced the notable transition
through the painful process of filtering filtering of process painful the through from the old to the new Facebook
profile. As is consistent with the and my family and friends have to go go to have friends and family my and initially we adult, young the of paradox resisted Facebook’s cheerful requests requests cheerful Facebook’s resisted
for us to “upgrade to the new profile” new the to “upgrade to us for
becoming big business: when I die die I when business: big becoming en it denouncing statuses created and
masse. But as always the realisation even more compelling is that this is is this that is compelling more even that all our friends were in fact upgrading to the new profile litthe
fire of fear underneath our meece and meece our underneath fear of fire
did just two generations back. What’s What’s back. generations two just did we hastily clicked in conformity. to more concisely than physical items items physical than concisely more In the four years I have been a Facebook user there have been a few few beena have userthereFacebook
major changes in Facebook profile
updates identify our individuality far far individuality our identify updates formatting. But these changes do
not even begin to take into account such as blog postings and status status and postings blog as such the minor yet increasingly invasive profile tweaks andupdates that
last for maybe a day, a week or
loved ones, but ephemeral objects objects ephemeral but ones, loved a few months, that only users as
prolific as myself may notice yet like holding on to the keepsakes of of keepsakes the to on holding like simultaneously accept and adapt to as part of our ever-expanding web
of Facebook tweaking tolerance. For identities of the deceased is much much is deceased the of identities example, does anyone remember:
1) When Facebook chat was created? created? Whenwas1) chatFacebook Our fetish for maintaining the online online the maintaining for fetish Our All of your 500 Friends suddenly appeared at the right hand corner of your screen at once in what seemed like like a less user friendly version of MSN messenger, so one was forced forced was oneso messenger, MSN to to either waste time talking to all their friends at once or permanently or once at friends their lurk around on “appear offline” and feel like an internet pervert.
2) How about that time when two people would get into a Facebook relationship and Facebook would arbitrarily pluck a photo out of cyberspace of the two of them together and deem it to be the
couple’s couple’s ‘relationship photo’.
Continuing on its relentless and terrifying plan to make stalking a
entertains entertains felix supernova supernova felix
Death surfs the internet the surfs Death FARRAGO R So The WebThatBinds internet andsocialrevolution.internet TIM SCRIVENdiscussesthe o ieae hmevs rud h world. the around themselves liberate to do everything possible to aid groups struggling can we so and interest, intrinsic their for both detail, greater in possibilities start these exploring to time It’s theory. social in questions new important I most the of one exist. is believethis certainly possibilities necessarily but “how”. not easy, that is but process ”, the “if recent Articulating not revolutions from aiding evidence revolutions makes any the question internet empyricalof The way. novel a in problem coordination this overcome can It tame. to autocrats for from beast difficult more people a is internet the prevents But up. rising expression free on clamp this and on, ratted being of fear for it say to chance a has one no but dictator, the feelings. other’s Similarly, the everyonedictatorship a in may hate knowing not though, word a say dares Neither other’spants. the to access fancy rather each two who bar a like at people are revolutions if what argument, the of points finer the into entering Without but something, they don’t know whether think someone else agrees. they where a situation in been Everyone’s knowledge. common called phenomenon a is revolutions to key a that argument an ran recently Pinker Steven action. social to approach like new a qualitatively creates others internet the that and is making are I me claim future The must revolutions. so bonds, close have about past all the been of revolutions the since argument that Gladwell’s in circularity There’s problems. coordination solving for many among tool powerful one is internet the but - for instance, a triggering event like a massacre, achieved be - can protest wayssudden other a from friend to friend. There are course of many the eventdates and can times spread of virally the because suddenly, very begin to protests large allows internet the But vulnerable. very protestors leavesfirst this the because manner brutalregimesbuild togradually similar a in up revolutionsagainst for over difficult days.is It built these account own his by even but of referring to the waves point sit-ins in 60s of America a makes Gladwell spread information. the of in delays are there friends close telepathy;among powerthe grant not of does without change a particularly strong social bond with someone social about contradicting Gladwell’s claim. Even having bring work could to internet the way one Here’s networks. communication through change political of end and beginning the not are bonds social clearly but works, internet the political ideas. I’m not suggesting this is how conversationthe ideas,join including about Instead it worked by allowing more people betweento bonds people - rarely did it create any bonds at all. social strong creating by the work didn’t certainly was which press, This printing flow. could ideas which at in partake could political discussion and increasing the speed who the people magnitude of number of orders by world, the broadening sweep to revolutions of series a allowed once invention astonishing An be cannot that he’swrong. think I bonds internet. the via formed social strong on depends activism social one risky that believes But internet. the skeptic, Malcom Gladwell,writer-journalist via part some in coordinated being are the Peninsula around Arabian revolutions ongoing the undeniable that almost seems It again. vogue in it’s Now instance triumphalism. technological an of - glib be until to was, thought recently, democracy powerful spreading a for is tool internet the that idea The awarded for thefirstcompletedbear. bear.astounding grizzly Aprizewillbe one) toeventually buildyour own (or whenever we remembertoinclude Bear! Cutoutanew pieceeachweek This year HoniSoitbringsyou Build-A- BUILD-A-BEAR should, butthat’s still pretty annoying. they thinkthey’re better thanus?They slack-jawed slot jockeys. What, do horribly addicted to like agaggle of reinforcement that therest ofusare NEED thedrugofconstant positive implicit suppositionthat they don’t their lackoforganisation ortheir with theirfreewheeling attitude, have phonesorFacebook annoy us Conversely, thosefriendswhodon’t probably take themfor granted. friends at any timemeansthat we fact that we can reach any of our this expertly-crafted analogy. The Instant communication islike her visits.Ruined. dionysian extravaganza that typified we nolonger associated herwiththe mire ofbitterness andfrustration until and sweetness would collapse into a could, butintimeherinfinite patience amazing orange jellyasoften as we constantly. At first, we would ask for would have beenifshewere around the deal.Butconsider how different it pleasure, thejellyadmittedly sealed for reasons muchbeyond thissimple little ones.Whilehervisits were loved to make amazingorange jellyfor us would come around every sooften When Iwas young my grandmother gestures tohiscrotch. LAURENCE ROSIER STAINES e t a c i n u m m o c y l t n a t s n I
How rad is nature?! #natureFTW THIS! HORRIBLE FUTURE. home. WELCOME TO THEHORRIBLE, party andaddedustheminute hegot greetings to thata guy we met once at too busy sendingdeathless birthday don’t have time to findout. We’re least not asfar asany ofusknow. We wouldn’t happenintheolddays. At once you’ve left thehouse?That someone onlyto have themcancel How often have you gone to meet available to usthesedays? Fuckyou. you actuallyvalue thesocialplanning What’s that? Beyond allthecynicism, train. you. Time’s a-wastin’, lovers! Board the you, andintwo Imay bedonewith NOW NOW! Andinaweek Iwillknow circumstantial mystique. Reply NOW too self-indulgent to hopefor any and intoday’s impatient world itis of ourattention-starved paramours, on whatever whimenters theheads out offashion, now we’re reachable delivered by thecavalry having gone hell. Windswept bi-monthly letters Romance, too, issucked down to
Photo by David Ma
is Bob Delaney Bob is
Torrenting with TOM WALKER name real Dylan’s Bob The internet holds the sum total of human knowledge in its cyber-hands. Every date, fact and “fact” that we hold dear is easily summoned by the most perfunctory of Googles, yet it’s hard to fully take advantage of this modern wonder without some research. With that in mind, here’s our handy guide (ENTERTAINMENT-ONLY AND OFFERED SOLELY FOR SATIRE) on how to steal adulthood-defining amounts of entertainment from the internet. Download Limewire if you want one of two things: the smug “fuck you, Dad” satisfaction of
using basic Limewire to download the paid-for quality of LimewirePro, or countless viruses. Johnny Soit presents Fact: For everything else, grab uTorrent (Transmission if you have a Mac). uTorrent allows you to leech (in your role as a “leecher”) data off other people; how many people is dependent on the popularity of your download, and how fast your download is depends on how many people you are collecting it from. Surf over to a torrent searching site like thepiratebay.org or isohunt.com, plug in a search and, if the result has two or more “seeders” download your object of desire’s .torrent file (watch out for cyber-mirages that attempt to imitate download links). Open that file in bitTorrent and watch your numbers grow! After, of course, you’ve made sure that the files you’re downloading are your property, being purposely shared with you by the creator or are freely available under the Creative Commons license. You wouldn’t steal a car, so why would you freely copy an unowned portion of data that you probably can’t afford anyway? You’d better not be some sicko who borrows CDs.
“Anarchy!” purpose calculations mechanically, general- do would that machine a Babbage1837, beganIn designing street nuisances. banning laws pass to politicians children). He eventually convinced of frivolities the by caused were window each smash (he decided that most of cause broken the ascertaining panes, its counting factory a in weeks two spent He time he lost from such distractions. far as to calculate how much work these of bothered him at work. He went so both for playing roll-a-hoop, children and musicians street as such nuisances against vigourously campaigned Babbage energies. his of targetrecurrent a His distaste for boisterousness was that, butwhat achamp. volcano. God knows why he did all a into lowered once was and fans), was cryptoyou (forall ciphers Vignére lighting, the both broke oven, an the in baked with about messing of purpose the for solely theballet a correctedwrote Tennyson's poetry, also and He cow-catcher. opthalmoscope the spedometer, the to, limited not were but included, inventions His side projects. was a man continually plagued by He (1791-1871). Babbage Charles for empathy of deal great a feel I analytical engine. JIM FISHWICKisan THE LIFECRITIC steampunk superhero Charles Babbage:
people thought ofhim. what caring not and interest his of decline society, the dabbling in whatever took against railing of the last great British eccentrics, independently. one being in is legacy Babbage's principles with his up come to had designers computer Later death. his after obscurity into somewhat faded building nineteenth work Babbage's the century, fucking was in computers he Although these (admittedly stupid) laws. streetprotesttonighthis day and and brass bands performers, marched up and down Musicians, circus house. actors, his noise outside of a in parade resulted near-constant had enact helped had he laws music-banning The ridicule. of figure a died Babbage mentioned I above didn'thelp, either. projects side The machine. the for parts the make to invented be to had machines - complexity machine's the funding, and government maintain to failingengineer, his frustrating Babbage to due was This lifetime. Babbage's within wasn't functional fully machine the but made, if you will. Several full designs were to avoid human errors. A computer, Crazy old Mr Babbage Mr old Crazy
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Where’s his FOOT? Where’s For more info: http://www.sydneyjudo.com/ info: more For Tell me a bit about the dedicated women’s classes? women’s the dedicated a bit about me Tell out in the sport starting are who those for class is catered The women’s mixed general the joining before fitness build up some to like and would more be would some women that also understand We sessions. training is their if self defense especially women, with other training comfortable the normal begin at often members female said that, Having main focus. and do great. training you between and why? you and a bear, between fight Who would win a (there team Honi Soit editorial you and the entire Between and a snake? sharp pens)? really have of us and we are ten not sure. I’m A snake? kinda stuff. that for train We easy. A bear? Sure, The a snake. against tactics about judo hard thought really never I’ve might But I think there a chance. stand I would’t team? editorial entire martial art. a new create can we maybe here, potential great be some it “pen-do”? call Could we No. fighting for their lives over the next few months. next over the for their lives fighting
literally
JACQUELINE BREEN throws down with Judo superstar Tom Shaw. Tom Judo superstar with down throws BREEN JACQUELINE people. year? last moment proudest What was the judo club’s also We judo competitions. in a number of the NSW had solid results We only in Canberra tournament open an international to competitors sent division. in the under 100kg weight winning bronze ago, about a month A beginner will start by learning basic movements such as how to fall, fall, to such as how learning basic movements by will start A beginner members keen Eventually and chokes. downs hold learning throws, then training. competition on will begin focusing every a club barbecue organise we club: sociable an incredibly We’re So it training. after dinner together grab often and then and we now new meet looking to if you’re life university addition to a great we would How frequently does the club meet, and what happens when you get you get happens when and what does the club meet, frequently How together? as and Thursday Tuesday, on Monday, sessions training weekday have We all 7:30pm, 5:30 to session on Wednesdays, training as a women’s well coaches. professional by taught I joined the club in 2009 with only a vague idea about the sport. sport. idea about the vague I joined the club in 2009 with only a operations day to day overlooking I am the club president Presently, direction in the right club is heading the that as making sure as well been though we’ve Even and development. growth long term regarding strong enjoying still are we 100 members, with over 1954, since active be a part of that. to exciting and it’s this year growth good thing is that judo is about throws rather than kicks and punches, and punches, than kicks rather judo is about throws is that thing good you as much as defense and dynamic self effective practise to get so you a bruised eye. and getting hit on the head without getting like and what is your role at Uni judo, Sydney with involved did you get When the club? Judo is both a sport and a martial art, and it surely gets the best of both of both best the gets it surely and and a martial art, Judo is both a sport yourself. defend to fit and learn get to way better is no There worlds. your to and force momentum opponents your use learn to you In judo, alone. This means strength on brute than relying rather advantage or girl. Another boy big or small, you’re whether it, practise can anyone The Locker Room Locker The What’s so great about judo? What’s
PAUL ELLIS explores the European side side the European ELLIS explores PAUL the beautiful game. of GOAAAL! It is the time of year when English Premier League football fans get a little giddy. a little giddy. get fans football League year when English Premier It is the time of you all the fuss about, finish. What’s is nearing its sprint season The marathon for the in contention teams normally only two are there this stage, ask? By Without a finals series, shouldn’t all the other than three. more rarely title and the in the EPL aside from for play is much to No. There interest? lost have teams avoid being to battle aspect of the league is the interesting the most title. Often league end of each premier the at teams ranked lowest The three relegated. is known what sides from best the three by out and replaced kicked season are football. The tier of English as the English ‘Championship’ league, the second in the EPL guarantees of pride. Playing a matter of this is not just significance rights. television million pounds in of twenty-five minimum a bare clubs the below on just which goes is that league fans premier to interest Also of keen honour is actually winning, the greatest that without saying While it goes top. tiers two are There up prize. runners is a significant in Europe play qualifying to all the big from the best the Champions league, where football; of European slightly Europe’s league, which involves and the Europa play leagues in Europe for the qualify English sides automatically three The top clubs. done by harder qualify via playoffs. the opportunity to is given Champions League, while fourth League Champion’s competition. the Europa Fifth and sixthgo into in the EPL tens clubs guarantees stages the group A run past cash-cow. is a massive football on this and Chelsea rely United Manchester of millions of pounds. Big clubs like performance Europa strong squads. A fund building international to revenue by the is offered to what comparable is also a financial boon, though not Champions League. While it appears season is particularly interesting. league premier This year’s for the title, contention in are and Arsenal, United Manchester teams, only two champions league spots. coveted the two vying for are teams three below just as a big launch Tottenham could league football of Champion’s Another year the time of At from. recover to years several take club; Chelsea missing out could as meaning as many from eleventh, twentieth separates writing, only six point’s will be nine teams
sport U the tealeavesofchange an infusionofactivism a sugarcubeofvigour ROSE CAT WITH ... A TEA
by Tim Scriven in Australia after the Marriage Act was amended in 2004 to ensure that gay marriage would notbe marriage gay that illegal ensure currently to is 2004 in marriage Gay wasamended Act rights. human Marriage basic the after for Australia struggles in its and community queer the esoe n iciiain gis te ue cmuiy Se s en o mhsz ta achievingequal that emphasize keen to is She community. queer the a is against it because discrimination issue core in a such keystone is marriage equal that beat a missing without replies Cat important? more on toarguablyarethat focus poverty,issues global of or number warming, a anyoneglobal of or Whynot marriage? equal chosen she has is why question first my upbringing, and age of pleasantries the past we’re After counterproductive.”being up ended actually has bigotry of lot a got so we passed, then Eight they and Prop here, like boost when big boost marriage a another gay us gave amendment about 2004 talking the illegal, start explicitly made really was it didn’t until now people to legalize do movement of now the lot “A Right pressure. building in California. is marriage gay marriage ongay included aban which rights Eight, marriage Proposition gay of against backlash passing wide the world a of part system, court the via introduced on commentary of wealth a with reticence personal this for up makes than more she Fortunately in isolation - has many potential flow-on effects in the fight to end discrimination againstqueers. discrimination toend fight the queerphobia. for in end the of beginning effects the be might inequality marriage flow-on of ending potential the then Perhaps many when considered - has even enough -big isolation issue in the marriage but altogether, discrimination end won’t marriage One of the most fascinating things about CAAH is its capacity to bring people together from together people bring to capacity its is CAAH about things fascinating most the of One across the political spectrum. Cat puts its success in this area down to its focus on concrete on focus its to down area this in success its puts Cat spectrum. political the across to say. hard It’s the speaker? with message the confound to wanting not or shyness, this Is life. university that she really got going. However, she seems almost reluctant to talk about her personal her However,going.about gottalkreluctant really toalmost she seems universitythat she goals, such as the equal marriage campaign. She also sees the breadth of activism within activism of breadth the sees also She campaign. marriage equal the as such goals, into and school high of out came she when was it but topics, activist of range a about caredalways CAAH as a sign of a community which is beginning to mobilizetoitself, beginning is which community a talkweabout of when sign a as CAAH Mardi Gras for instance she says “I think Mardi Gras has been listening to criticisms to listening been has Gras Mardi think “I says she instance for Gras Mardi she’s says she further; little a probe I well.” as young are conveners the that surprising not it’s “so that it had depoliticised itself, this year the theme is ‘say something!’ and I don’t think to her, she modestly turns down the implicit compliment. “CAAH’s members are very young,” she says, that’s a coincidence. Many groups are beginning to work towards this common goal, common this towardswork to beginning are groups Many coincidence. a that’s out this point I When AgainstgroupsAustralia,rights (CAAH). Action queer in Homophobia Community there are twenty three floats in this year’s parade with an equal marriage theme.” marriage equal an with parade year’s this in floats three twenty are there important most the of one convening and old years 23 she’s age: Cat’s by startled be but help can’t I Though it has gathered a broad coalition, not all are satisfied with CAAH’s are satisfied with gathered all has not broadcoalition, it a Though on strong focus the equal marriage campaign. A number of activists have doubts about CAAH’s singularity of singularity CAAH’s about doubts have activists of number A campaign. marriage equal the aim, suggesting that it marginalises other queer issues like the struggles of the community.Trans the of struggles the like issues queer other marginalises it that suggesting aim, Cat thinks that this imposes a too simple dichotomy between the gay marriage issue and other and issue marriage gay the between dichotomy simple too a imposes this that thinks Cat sus eeat o h qer omnt. Bcue h eul arae apin a such has campaign marriage equal the “Because community. queer the to relevant issues visibility, getting Trans’ and other people involved can be a great way to raise thevisibility to way a great be can involved people other and Trans’ getting visibility, of many different kinds of people in the queer community.” Nor should CAAHbeseen should Nor queer community.” the in of people kinds different many of s ouig n arae nqaiy o h ecuin f l ohr ol - h i a pis to pains at is she - goals other all of exclusion the to inequality marriage on focusing as remind me of their campaign for queer refugee rights and their calls for an investigation an for calls their and rights refugee queer for campaign their of me remind no h dah f eoia atr a Aoiia Tas oa wo id n custody. in died who woman Trans Aboriginal an Baxter, Veronica of death the into When I ask her what message she’d like to send to our readers, what she tells she what readers, our to send to like she’d message what her ask I When me is simple: “This is the year.” While no one can promise success, Cat thinks Cat success, promise can one no year.”While the is “This simple: is me that the chances of achieving marriage equality in the near future are better are future near the in equality marriage achieving of chances the that o ta te ee hv be. Lbr a mvd owr is conference its forward moved has “Labor been. have ever they than now by a year, and one of the key topics to be debated will be equal marriage. equal be will debated be to topics key the of one year,and a by hs a t b a e mmn fr u mvmn. Se lo xedd a extended also She movement.” our for moment key a be to has This personal invitation to readers of al a Tw Hl o Mrh 9 I fr n, oe o e yu there. you see to hope one, for I, 19. March on Hall Town at rally Honi Soit to come to the equal marriage
profile X “... we wanted to be able to model to be able to model people’s relationships on Facebook, but how do you deal with an interaction with someone who is no able to log on?” longer Let’s get factual. Eight years ago, Facebook did not exist. the socialToday, networking 600 million active over has site eclipsed and long ago users pornography as the number has Google activity. one net this watching whiplash from phenomenon score the world’s most popular website spot. If Facebook were a country third world’s the be it would largest. Justin Timberlake to it. Social his appletini raises but a not a fad media was way shift in the fundamental we communicate. Now it is a fundamental for responsible we grieve. ways shift in the the initial shock of it, “After one of my first reactions was to check his Facebook account.” with their online life? “We had had “We with their online life? about this thought really never way,” in such a personal before “Obviously, continued. Kelly we wanted to be able to relationships people’s model do you but how on Facebook, deal with an interaction with able who is no longer someone log on?”to on a function decided Facebook mark the loss and preserve to the memory. “When someone leave don’t they us, leaves our memories or our social reflect said. “To Kelly network,” idea the created we reality, that of ‘memorialised’ profiles as a save can people place where of their memories and share Friends passed.” those who’ve can still write on their mate’s wall and see their photos, but insensitively no longer the site urges members to “reconnect” with deceased users. report To the profile of a deceased contact friend must a person, the company with proof of death. Kelly urged family company help the to members memoralise their loved ones, properly memory their can “so live on among their friends on Facebook.” the mortal coil and ignited the the and ignited coil the mortal one. digital After re-shaping the cultural foundations of contemporary social media today society, and death in to is bleeding 2.0 Web The interactive grief. revolution has restructured and rest the norms of work, and its social Facebook play. media sidekicks are committed to “digitally mapping people’s real-world social connections.” of experiences The real-world loss and heartache are now unreal-world, in the manifesting online. of head Facebook’s 2009 In late security, Max Kelly, announced policy regarding new the site’s deceased members. Kelly blogged about the death of and co-worker a Facebook friend, and recalled how the how over had deliberated team to acknowledge him online, after life. “The question came do about do we up: What Kelly profile?” his Facebook uncertainty The team’s wrote. mixed users’ their mirrored feelings about death, grief, and social media; after burying the dead in real life, what do we do When Jordan died I did not know where to click. Conventional sadness flowed easy enough; cards were written, flowers were sent, friends were hugged. But my hand hesitated at the the over and froze mouse, keyboard. Us digital natives, and easy normally so casual on the screen, with our lives were baffled by where to “grief”. type Jordan liked computer games, theatre and (to quote his best friend) everyone around him. He was nineteen, studying science and arts, loving and living with his girlfriend. One night, while strolling home with friends after theatresports performing comedy at university, he stepped into the path of a passing taxi. The news trickled slowly our cyber spaces, through swamping news feeds in slow motion like a muted was he after bomb. Hours confirmed dead his older brother announced the news on Jordan’s profile page. We felt the shock screen. the through wave Jordan had shuffled off
The internet is reshaping the way we deal with loss, writes JACQUELINE BREEN writes JACQUELINE with loss, deal we The internet the way is reshaping GRIEF 2.0
feature 12 N Jeremy hadcollected on his friends of number huge The they’d never seen before. that world the travelling of photographs oftheir son parents discovered hundreds resource,” she says. Jeremy’s became themost valuable sudden hisFacebook page a of “All profile. Jeremy’s to turned Lisa presentation funeral the together piecing began she When everything else changes. quotes remain unchanged while and photos their and page, the digital footprint pads across on the deceased’s profile. Their disbelief, questions andanswers of crescendo a to build then a death flickbetween friends, of Whispers heart-warming. and simultaneously heart-breaking goodbye. Grief onFacebook is used Jeremy’s profile to say Grieving friendsandfamily home expressed theirshock. at friends and news the of overseas sought anexplanation from day, friends the of hours all at and languages different In came from allover the world. the messages onJeremy’s wall that found student, university 22-year-old a Lisa, through, clicked she When there.” not sudden a of all is who someone page asaway oflatching onto many people hadgone to his So quick. so was “It accident. her cousin, Jeremy, aroad in of death the about Lisa says utopian proclamations spun spun proclamations utopian the avoids but cathartic, be can grieving collective and digital agrees Chesher Chris academic Cultures Digital University Sydney you’re notalone.” that same, the feeling are others that validation get to and feelings, express to opportunity classic espiritdecorps. It’s an is abondingexperience. It’s the momentum. “Collective grieving as internet-based therapy gains closely watched has and people young with primarily works who Sydney, of University the from psychologist DrPhilRenner makes itmore bearable,” says process. “Sharinganexperience grieving the in media social and internet the of role the similarly enthusiastic about are counsellors grief Many experience. personal and raw most this with incompatible feels that world digital the about something is There friends. by left messages out andlaminated hundreds of printed Lisa life, online Jeremy’s into poured nostalgia and love grandfather. To capture the his bewildered travels the digital world that feels feels that world digital the about something is there core, its at And high. too was factor crazy the decided but of detailing hisawesomeness, message inbox an him sending considered I Wall Jordan’s on posting finally Before weird. bit a seems just also Technical difficultiesaside, it impermanence ofdigital media.” the of “because lost are era this from artefacts intangible where age” dark “digital a for he says, notingthepotential risk,” of degree high a “There’s friends. lost of mementos or when concerning photographs become particularlysensitive can which online, storage data of safety the overstating against warns also Chesher limits. definitive have technologies all like but operations, websites are sophisticated grief onFacebook. media Social the socialsite,” Chesher says of of power the to limited is about of theperson you’re grieving you can express theidentity way the and experience “Your social mediaformats allow. utilitarian the than autonomy his brother online withgreater memorialise to freedom Chesher allowed site independent The of tunesandcheeky humour. dedicated to hismemory, love created astand-alone website friends 2003, in away passed brother his when – grief to the phenomenon ofonline He hasapersonal connection memorials. media social around covered withspam. get don’t graves real least At all. after deleted get can ones digital out, turns it and, lonely, get graves Real less? and less would friends clickthrough passed seasons and years and months the As cease? traffic the would When Jordan. online the to happen would sometimes wondered what I away passed he Since digital future. the into on march will friends that peoplewilldie, andtheir is sure for know we thing only The ways. uncomfortable interact innew, beautifuland continuespectrum will to The internet andthe emotional year. each die members 000 Facebook says that over 200 it.” do to supposed you’re how about template cultural no “There’s out. points Chesher something you practise for,” not “It’s grieve. to way wrong or right no course, of is, There process.” but definitely notadigital and anemotionalprocess, process, physical a is grief think I wall. his on write to myself way. Personally Ican’t bring that in grief my publicising carefully. “I’m notcomfortable admits she cringe,” me makes that it about something “There’s thing. whole the remains ambivalent about Lisa media, social by made contributions positive the see bothers me.” Althoughshe can really that it to element exhibitionist an there’s think “I compromises theirsincerity? internet the over emotions Surely publiclyplastering your experience. personal and raw most this with incompatible N 13 feature P s KING OF LIMBS ne RADIOHEAD u CHRIS MARTIN goes out on a limb.
T What’s the point in writing a negative review of music? I mean, a bad album isn’t really going to he hurt anyone, and a critical panning won’t help you avoid wasting your money on bad music, because T nobody pays for anything nowadays anyway. What’s the use of a bad review when the artist is almost always giving it their best crack, and they’re going to keep on doing so regardless of the ultimately insignificant criticism? And if there’s no point in the criticism, then everything I write from here in will be positive, and if music journalism is just saying the same nice things about every piece of music, then what’s the point in saying them over and over again? Well, thanks to The King Of Limbs, I have my answer. Because once, Radiohead changed my life, and that doesn’t matter a moment to you, except maybe they changed yours as well. They did it graciously and without asking for anything in return, so, as is natural with such things, I wanted them to do it again and again. But that’s not greed, really – just because you and I weren’t blessed with the ability to produce it doesn’t mean we should be deprived of amazing music forever. It’s more like these artists have a responsibility, dammit, to keep sharing their rare talents with us, because that’s what music was for in the first place. In the past, Thom Yorke, Jonny Greenwood and the rest of Radiohead have proven themselves capable of unleashing powerful music on us mere mortals like a gift to humankind. So from here on in, it will be a sure disappointment when they don’t live up to such lofty standards - and this time, they haven’t. As an album, The King Of Limbs doesn’t quite convince – it sounds like Thom had a handful of demos, proclaimed “that’ll do, fellas”, and quickly threw together his soundtrack to a bland October midnight. Background music really, for when there’s nothing in the foreground. What initially drew me to Leibovitz’s work were her intriguing portraits of film stars. Leonardo The first four songs have three independent musical ideas between them, and one of them – the De Caprio with a swan draped around his neck. melody to ‘Little By Little’ – is just an inferior rewrite of the bridge in ‘Where I End And You Begin’ Jim Carey sitting bar-chested, mouth wide and on Hail To The Thief. neck-veins straining. A very pregnant and very It all comes hurtling together, somehow, at ‘Lotus Flower’ – at last, a song (not a few minutes’ naked Demi Moore. But some of my favourite worth of sounds) that stands up against anything on 2007’s In Rainbows, and for originality too. photographs are her family ones - the series Thereon, the final 15 minutes of the record restore some grace and that familiar haunted refrain of the Radiohead oeuvre. It’s a reminder of what Radiohead can still achieve after of mumsy shots of Annie’s plump mother in all these years, and more than a touch frustrating that they didn’t round out the ideas American her swimmers at the kitchen sink, and a sweet that could have made this one just another brilliant release. photographer shot of her daughter Sarah in a pink fairy dress Annie Leibovitz framed by tomato vines. These shots candidly Turned off by the first half, I think I’m only still listening to this album because it’s by has been described Radiohead. I know I’m only disappointed for petty reasons, because it lags behind encapsulate the “physical exuberance” which what they’ve done before. And, yes, only Radiohead could have made an album as many things - “Barbara Leibovitz describes her family as having. that sounds just like this, so true originality deserves applause. And I accept that Streisand with a camera”, I’ll put this album on again in a few months from now, hear it anew, and “daring”, “the tallest and most A short film documentary made by Leibovtiz’s eventually decide I was wrong this whole time. authoritative unsure person”, “a sister Barbara complements the exhibition, giving But still, this album – this statement of intent for the next major chronicler of our country” by a prelude to her earlier work and a narrative to decade, if Kid A did it last time around – it could, should Hilary Clinton and “way too grand and the editing process involved with putting the have been so much more. important to work for Vogue” according to book and exhibition together. It shows how Anna Wintour. Since the early 1970s when her Leibovitz’s shots of a naked John Lennon curled For another take on the album, head shots of rockers such as Patti Smith, Mick Jagger and over Yoko Ono were taken only hours before to our website: www.honisoit.com John Lennon and Yoko Ono began to appear in Rolling he was shot and Leibovitz describing how an Stone, Leibovitz has produced some of the most iconic injured solider died as she was photographing images of modern popular culture. Going on to work at the scene around his hospital bed in Sarajevo. Vanity Fair and Vogue, her legendary body of work grew as The doco also shows Leibovitz’s early career she snapped beautiful, intimate and recognised portraits as rock and roll cover photographer for Rolling of public figures like the Queen, Leonardo de Caprio, Stone which fittingly led to a stint in rehab after Bill Clinton, Nicole Kidman, Nelson Mandella and R2-D2. she toured with the Rolling Stones (Mark Morris Her exhibition, Annie Leibovitz: A Photographers Life openly admits to not remembering a couple of 1990-2005 is currently gracing the walls at the Museum Leibovitz’s photographs of him on that tour). of Contemporary Art. First presented at the Brooklyn THE EXHIBITION Museum in 2006, this collection of 192 photographs unites The winner for me was Jack Nicholson standing Leibovitz’s personal and assignment work of the most on a raised putting green, cigarette in mouth,
the arts bit prolific and turbulent years of her life. putter in hand with robe billowing – what’s not Annie to love. Leibovitz: A After the death of her partner Susan Sontag, an intellectual Photographer’s and writer, in late 2004, Leibovitz began sorting through Leibovitz herself describes her work as being her personal photographs. What began as a memorial for the greatest relationship of her life but humbly Life 1990 - 2005 Sontag grew into a larger collection of Leibovitz’s work espouses that “life is so much bigger than this over a decade and a half, with her assignment works as one dimensional moment” and her photographs a professional interspersed with personal archives. The are just “getting a little slice” of these lives. exhibition and book of the same title are the products of Annie Leibovitz: A Photographers Life 1990-2005 is HANNAH BRUCE thinks Annie’s got guts Leibovitz’s mourning. She writes “photographs take on new running at the MCA until April. and is just downright great. meaning after someone dies”.
Walking around Newtown the audience and launched But the multiple Tony, health care coverage by last Friday night you’d have headfirst into topical issues Emmy and Grammy award claiming “your health is our thought k.d. lang was in like climate change, gay winner dusted off all the business, not our concern.” town. But it wasn’t a white- marriage, legalising marijuana old characters which her suited pop-star performing at and social networking. The made famous during that Back in 2007 it looked like the Enmore but rather actress former West Wing, Desperate three-year run on the sketch Lily Tomlin had lost the and comedian Lily Tomlin who Housewives, Will & Grace comedy series, Laugh-In. plot. When two videos were was there to perform to a and, more recently, Damages The delightfully grotesque leaked showing her having sold out crowd before hosting star used rapid-fire quips Madame Lupe (the world’s epic meltdown (á la Christian the Mardi Gras the following to great effect but by the oldest beauty expert), Edith Bale) on the set of I Heart lily tomlin at night. Tomlin has never end of the two-hour show Ann (the precocious six- Huckabees, she quickly been shy about identifying it was clear that Tomlin year old) and Ernestine (the became a YouTube sensation. the enmore as a lesbian and apparently is more comfortable as a churlish telephone operator) But with a career spanning theatre neither has her uggboot performer than a comedian. all made appearances to over 40 years, Tomlin is firmly loving audience, whose She seemed unrehearsed thunderous applause. established as one of the MONICA CONNORS learns about heckles were numerous and when not playing one of her Progressing with the times, legends of American comedy old-school funny from Lily Tomlin. downright filthy. many characters and paced Ernestine is no longer in and four years on from that the stage when talking about the employ of Ma Bell hiccup, she has recovered in In head-to-toe black, Tomlin her past growing up in 1950s and instead works for an spectacular form. At the age took to the stage following Detroit. insurance company, where of 71 she is nowhere near 14 chants of “LILY, LILY” from her job is denying people slowing down. P
THE SCREEN: The Company Men THETHE STAGE HANNAH LEE doesn’t seem to enjoy the company of men. Not that there’s anything repetitively, and in delivery, fails to excite or provoke WILD wrong with that. in any way other than the tried and tested methods of unravelling your typical Hollywood drama. Despite Economic recession sucks. It sucks even more if the Academy Award winners who make up the DUCK you’re sacked because of corporate downsizing, ensemble cast, the performances aren’t enough NEADA BULSECO likes ducks in all forms but is have a family to feed and have to say goodbye to the to make this film compelling as the characters now feeling a little guilty about eating them. swanky cars you used to drive. So I guess you could themselves lack a sense of distinctiveness without say Bobby (Ben Affleck), Phil (Chris Cooper) and Gene much opportunity to leave powerful impressions. (Tommy Lee Jones) – three men at different stages One exception, however, is Bobby’s brother-in-law, of their life, holding different positions at a company Jack Dolan, played by Kevin Costner. In an effectively Clearing the cobwebs from an Ibsen classic, Simon called GTX – feel pretty sucky when they have to join small role that makes Costner stand out, Jack’s stone breathes new life into The Wild Duck. the ten percent of the working population who aren’t unspoken kindness towards Bobby as the humble actually working anymore. In fact, it’s downright owner of a small construction company carries the Taking the lead from Belvoir’s new artistic depressing. idea that work and people should not be treated as direction, its most recent production is refreshingly simple economic chess pieces, with greater weight innovative and intelligent. Reappropriating can be The Company Men finds drama in the concerns than any of the other characters. a dengerous game but Stone’s liberation of The of the career-centred man by looking at how the Wild Duck from its stale tongue and old world rust loss of status within American upper middle class Punctuated with some brief moments of humour, was just what this play needed to compete in the corporate hierarchy can challenge one’s perception The Company Men does well in downsizing blatantly 21st century. Reframed in modern and familiar of themselves as a capable husband, father and emotive lines or cheesy inspirational moments dimensions, and endowing its characters with a individual. But while the anxieties of the characters that may have been tempting to use in such a film. whole lot more street cred, was the Midas touch are made abundantly clear in The Company Men BUT when it comes to telling a story that is deeply this ol’ Duck needed to get up and quacking again. with a strong message about the value of humanity, involving and dramatically provocative – get back to the film unfolds in a rather mediocre fashion. It’s a rare treat for Sydney theatregoers and will work! hopefully be the first of a glut of exciting plays Like a slow boardroom meeting, The Company Men The Company Men hits cinemas on March 10. from Belvoir for its 2011 season. discusses and explores the worries of unemployment Stone’s exposed the framework of The Wild Duck, down to the bare bones of ‘humanity in extremis’. The care taken in this undertaking is evident in every moment of stage time and every detail is executed with great thought, and without a complete divorce from Ibsen’s original Belvoir Street Theatre intentions. As a tale of two families intertwined and the misfortune they bring upon one another, The Wild Duck the realism that Ibsen pioneered remains an is showing at Belvoir integral part of the play. Keepin’ it real, with a Upstairs Theatre contemporary tone, only furthers this heartache until March 27. borne of realism home. Tickets $39 for students As a play that is founded on exposing the defeating moments of one’s life - our own moments of tragedy - it is hardly surprising that The Wild Duck will resonate with you hours later. From the Judaism. Treslove, resident Gentile, becomes recounting of a man’s loss due to manipulation fixated on Judaism and promptly winds up from a colleague, to the story of their sons decades THE FINKLER nestled in the plump bosom of Juno (Jewno – get later and the hardships they now encounter. No it?), while Finkler and Sevcik function as barely one is immune to death, deceit or pain. It is with nuanced mouthpieces for both sides of the Zionist both great noise and quiet whispering that this QUESTION debate. Unsympathetic and uninteresting, the story unfolds. From intimate duologues to crazed By Howard Jacobson three fail to shed any light on the aforementioned hysteria, your empathy will run rampant with Question, beyond the utterance of such ill- HANNAH RYAN thinks the Booker selection written tripe as ‘God, being Jewish had stuff going these talls of woe. committee has a lot to answer for. for it!’. Jews value family. Jews are a minority. As an audience, you will mourn for all of these Jacobson’s cast spends 300 pages circling around characters. This is far from hindered by the I stopped reading properly at age 15, so I’m well- such truisms like toothless sharks trapped by unremarkable prose. dynamic performances of a cast of Australian versed on my John Marsdens but not so good on theatre heavyweights. Their performances are as new releases. This wouldn’t be a problem except I work in a bookshop. Customers are relentlessly And funny Jacobson is not. Declining to be anticipated: brilliant. The two leads, Ewan Leslie demanding things of me – opening hours, change described as “the English Phillip Roth”, Jacobson the arts bit (as Hjalmar) and Anita Hegh (as his wife, Gina), and, most frustratingly, recommendations. This replied that he rather saw himself as the “Jewish own that stage for that 90 minutes every night. summer brought me a glimmer of hope. The Jane Austen” a presumption of greatness that They both deliver remarkable performances, critics had it as funny and philosophical; it won seasons the novel. But even Corinne Grant is supported by a tenderness that flares the the motherflippin’ Booker. I relentlessly pitched funnier than Jacobson. The narrative relies on goosebumps. Howard Jacobson’s The Finkler Question to every Finkler’s superior wit, an absurd humour in customer who pestered me for advice - right up Treslove’s mutterings, and general Jewish funny These captivating performances combined with until I finally read it. to make real the characters’ interactions – but bold production choices make for a delightful Jacobson can’t sustain it. He’s just not good evening treat. Even the Perspex wall that frames Jacobson, one assumes, has written himself enough. into his protagonists, all of them losers. Julian the minimalist stage is used well throughout There was scope for this book not to be a the entirety of the play, though perhaps overly Treslove is a professional lookalike, suffering (understandably) from an inferiority complex, load of codswallop. Gentile curiosities about symbolic. It provides a pretty clear aesthetic who will only sleep with women whom he can Jewishness, Jews’ allegiance to Israel, the impact statement about the transition to modernity too. imagine dying in his arms (perhaps a subtle tinge of circumcision on the female orgasm – these of necrophilia here). Sam Finkler is an ‘Ashamed themes are generous and important. Yet Jacobson The Wild Duck is something great to behold. Jew’, circumcised but critical of Israel. Libor dilutes them with his taste for the mundane and Setting a beautiful tone for a new year of theatre, Sevcik, 90, also Jewish, is a paint-by-numbers the unlikeable until they’re barely there at all. it will have you longing for the next Belvoir widower, mourning in clichéd fashion for his production and have you feeling queasy about The Guardian said that The Finkler Question recently dead Malkie. These three are particularly was ‘full of dangerous shadows and dark, deep eating the next peking duck thrown your way. odious in their dismissive attitudes to women. water’. The same goes for a long drop toilet, and In the Jacobsonian lexicon, ‘Finkler’ means I’d rather experience the latter. At least you don’t ‘Jewish’, thus the book deals predominately with have to pay for that shit. 15 P GAME THEORY: THE NEW LORDS OF WAR MICHAEL RICHARDSON has played Bulletstorm, and this is what he thought of it. CARL RECSEI weighs in on the increasing use of military robots. Hurl a soldier out an airlock, you get an EJECTULATE - 25 points. The use of robots in war is a concept most people a dangerous battlefield - they don’t molest Shooting a mutie in the throat nets you GAG REFLEX - 50 points. are familiar with from fiction but believe is absent civilians or open fire indiscriminately when Impale a miniboss with a charged spinning drill and stomp the from real-world conflicts. Indeed the invasion of placed in stressful situations. drill all the way through his stomach to receive 100 points and a Iraq was accomplished without a single robotic STOMACH PUMP. Or you could shoot him so much he falls to the helping hand, but less than a decade later, more However the reverse can also be true. Robots are ground, and rip his head off with an energy rope for WHIPLASH. than 12,000 robots perform front-line roles in complex systems not immune to malfunction in That’s 250 points. the US military there. Technological advances the rough and tumble of warfare. Case in point: What do you think of that? Are you revolted or searching for coupled with a weakened public stomach for the in a 2007 training exercise a robot in the employ your wallet? Pre-release opinions of Bulletstorm were similarly death of human soldiers have seen the military- of the South African airforce, rather than firing divided. Some people found it tasteless. The developers told industrial complex develop an intensive focus directly upward (a display of firepower intended me the gunplay would bring fun back to the genre. I wasn’t on unmanned technologies; over 50 countries as a demonstration of the robot’s abilities), aware it had departed. The truth of the matter is that the highly- now employ military robots. instead levelled its weapon and fired into the assembled audience. Attempts to disable the publicised skillshots - the pithy labels you receive for killing The international market for such systems robot were unsuccessful. In under a minute, the your enemies in Bulletstorm - aren’t the heart of the game at is anticipated to grow from US$5.8 billion machine had exhausted the 500 high-explosive all. They’re the crystallisation of its agenda, which is to torpedo in 2010 to more than US$8 billion in 2016. rounds at its disposal, killing 9 personnel and the sci-fi/military FPS and fling its corpse into a wall. TORPEDO, Of the approximately US$1400 per annum injuring a further 14. This was nebulously PILEDRIVER - 150 points. the average American citizen contributes to termed a ‘software glitch’. I didn’t want to like this game. I knew the developers were purchasing weapons for their military, only a pitching it as subversive, but I didn’t think they could pull it off. small proportion is currently spent on robotic Such behaviour is characteristic of modern It looked stupid - bold and bright, but stupid. Early gameplay systems, but the growing appetite of the top artificial intelligence systems. Robots deployed showed some inventive cursing, but that didn’t help. I wasn’t brass for robotics is evident. “Make ‘em as fast to protect US bases in Baghdad use their superior buying it. And really, I didn’t buy it even after the first hour of as you can,” an army general told the director reaction times and uncanny accuracy to create play. It was only when I had a look at how far the game had of iRobot, creator of the Roomba vacuuming a wall of bullets that destroys incoming mortar come, and what I had done, that I realised what was going on. robot and the most widely used military robot shells, but the pace of such a response is such that the system would be useless if it required - the PackBot. US$6 billion is earmarked for the The game was progressive in the most literal sense. The locales human approval to fire upon detected threats. development of new unmanned aerial vehicles changed. The characters’ relationships changed. The protagonist This arrangement is advantageous, save when (i.e. drones), which are among the most useful underwent change. To my surprise - and I don’t say this lightly the computer decides to target its own side - as of robotic technologies, capable of carrying out - it was a well-scripted game. It had a beginning, middle, and a happened when the system took unanticipated reconnaissance and attack missions without satisfying ending. Where other games hover around an emotional offense to an American helicopter. The American risking a human pilot. Hundreds of these core without ever truly developing it, lacking as they do the command that shot down Iran Air Flight 655 on machines maintain a constant vigil in the skies capacity for competent writing, Bulletstorm hits it. I know it the advice of a computer could compare notes over the Middle East. sounds far-fetched, but when these burly military men talk about with the robot’s designers. These problems their feelings it’s compelling dialogue. Why robots? The promoters of robotic ruffle many epaulets in the halls of power but technology cite the precision and rationality are hardly novel. At the dawn of automated robots are expected to display in the battlefield. weapons technology (1960) the US Ballistic Calmly moving into the line of fire to rescue Missile Early Warning System identified the a wounded solider, bandaging or otherwise moon rising as the unholy glare of a Soviet treating their wounds and carrying them to nuclear ICBM strike ‘with 99.9% certainty’. safety is an example of the type of role to which few would object for unmanned systems in An oft-repeated phrase from the US military war. As for lethal systems, the robot sniper is establishment is that ‘humans will always be silent, efficient, infinitely patient and chillingly in the loop’; or, more evasively, ‘people will accurate. For now the robot is controlled by a always want humans in the loop’. Aside from solider, although it targets potential enemies the fact that robots empowered to fire upon automatically and works out ways to navigate their own recognisance are already in service, the terrain autonomously in order to carry out these platitudes ignore the obvious advantages The big monster in the background is fightable. You fight him. Page 16 commands. Supporters of unmanned warfare that removing human weaknesses (including, It changed gears constantly. I fought my way through a argue that such systems are less prone to act hopefully, unlawful brutality) from the battlefield dilapidated mall, trussing up psychopaths with my new flail gun irrationally than humans who are present upon would bring to the modern military looking for and detonating the flails. I was blowing up groups of them at an edge in 21st century combat. once (GANGBANG X 3, 75 points), and experimenting by snaring one and kicking him into his friends for HOMING MISSILE, 100 points. A helicopter crashed into the bridge ahead, and I started MICHELLE GARRETT gives you an kicking them into the spinning blades. SUCKER, it said. 100 Crash a classroom! introduction to Latin. points. Then a five-metre tall behemoth leapt between me and the rotors, an enemy I’d never seen before. I kicked him into Latin is a dead language. It’s the linguistic my English professor. I found out the word ‘emo’ the fans, too, for MINCED MEAT and 250 points. “It’s a murder equivalent of the skin cells that you exfoliate off was the verb ‘to buy’, and began to think of our party, starring ME!” said my character. He was real happy. It was your face once a week, and accordingly most tormented black-wearing brothers and sisters so fucking stupid and genuine that I laughed. And just twenty people avoid it like a slimy insect and enrol in as merely compulsive shoppers. My mind was minutes later, there was a genuinely touching moment between other classes that appear more valuable to life blown each week as I revaluated my ordinary the protagonists - I won’t spoil it, but it left me wondering why experience. I took Beginners Latin to defy these vocabulary and incessantly informed my friends Call of Duty doesn’t slow down for ten fucking seconds and people and placate the bleating academics who and acquaintances of the links. breathe every once in a while. lose sleep over the possibility of it dying out altogether. I felt like a martyr walking into my Other important things to note from Latin classes I need to talk about the setting for a moment - all the action Latin lectures and valiantly conjugating verbs, included the overwhelming amount of words the takes place on a paradise world covered in mutated psychopaths. rescuing the ancient world from oblivion. Romans appeared to have for nouns like ‘war’ and It’s great, straight from the pulp scifi of the 20s and 30s. It’s ‘blood’, and the verb ‘to kill’. Latin is seemingly borderline nonsensical but internally consistent, from sunny Though I was forced to withstand lengthy vocab associated with a violent sort of sentiment, as plazas strewn with exploding hot-dog stands (SAUSAGE FEST, 250 lists and incomprehensible passages from the well as incest, bestiality and lovesickness. A typical points) to a collapsed skyscraper spanning a gorge, walls made of King James Bible, I discovered with delight that translation was littered with fallen warriors and exposed rebar (VOODOO DOLL, 100 points) and housing a fragile studying Latin opens up the way for interjections molestation. Latin-speakers were an angry and grand piano. Bulletstorm also showcases the shortest Sewer into conversations. For example: sexually voracious people. Level ever. The Sewer Level is in every shooter ever, and it always sucks; in Bulletstorm, it’s over in thirty seconds. “Nathan was totally dux of our school - ” We all have a “CARPE DIEM” fantasy in which we “Dux? Ha, well intriguingly, that comes from the shout the words with wild eyes and gesture wildly I haven’t mentioned the Godzilla with machine guns called noun ‘dux ducis’, which means ‘leader’ in Latin.” à la Robin Williams, but as a snarky interjection Waggleton P. Tallylicker. I haven’t talked about the girl who into this vision, I’d like to inform you that the noun threatened to kill all of my dicks. I’ve been silent about the The vocab lists often uncovered some gems. ‘diem’, meaning day, is a fifth declension noun in way the first door I opened swung back and smacked me in I was thrilled to discover that the verb ‘disco’ the accusative case. Bam. You are seeing the fruits the mouth, or how my character whistled while he slid down a meant ‘to teach’. Classes began to feel more of Latin study. Impress your companions with Latin waterfall. I don’t want to talk about the awesome, actually-quite- festive as I imagined strobe lights illuminating until they tire of your intellectual martyrdom. subtle-when-you-think-about-it stuff in this game, because it’s there for you to find yourself - I’m just trying to assure you that it’s 16 not the stupid, over-the-top, puddle-deep parody it could’ve been. SRC HELP At SAtELLItE CAmPuSES: V A Long time Ago in a ASK ABE Q & A with students who need help Galaxy Far Far Away... and a dog who has all the answers... Send your letters to: [email protected]
While the majority of students at the University Legal Help on Satellite campuses Dear Abe, of Sydney study on either the Darlington or Students studying at satellite campuses of the It feels terribly odd asking a dog, but I really need to Camperdown campuses there are many other University of Sydney are also able to seek legal know how to see a ‘bulk billing’ doctor (I don’t really campuses that make up the University. These advice and representation from the SRC Legal know what this is) in Sydney. Given I am so far away I “satellites” include [but are not limited to] Service that runs out of the SRC office at the cant see my normal doctor while I am here but I have Cumberland campus, Mallett Street, Sydney Darlington campus. an ongoing thing that I see her about. What should I College of the Arts, Sydney Dental Hospital, do to make sure I can continue to get good treatment? Westmead, Camden and the Conservatorium of The service offers advice on a range of legal A N Onymous Music. issues, including insurance matters, debt, traffic offences, discrimination and sexual harassment Some of these campuses have some services complaints as well as a number of other legal Dear A N Onymous available to students, but most are lacking when problems that a university student might compared to Darlington/Camperdown. encounter. The solicitor is also able to represent It is a really good idea to have a doctor in Sydney when you in court. There is no charge for the service you are living here. They can be there to help manage your However, for students seeking help from the but you will need to become a member of the health and make sure you have access to the medications SRC we have a specialized satellite Caseworker SRC. you need. This is a much better option than relying on a and Policy Officer. She spends her week doctor a long way away who you cannot see quickly. I am You are welcome to ring the solicitor at the not sure whether you are a local or international student, so traveling to most of these campuses to provide SRC office on 9660 5222. You will be asked to I will give you all the info I can think of. a face-to-face service for students. If you need provide some confidential information over the to ask a question or clarify some information or Bulk billing effectively means that if you are a local student phone or to fill out a form that will be sent to get some help with an appeal or Centrelink or the cost of the consultation is free for you. If you are an you by fax or email. You are also welcome to anything else you can contact her to make an international student then the cost of the consultation is email the solicitor at [email protected]. appointment. covered by your health insurance. I can recommend the If you can attend the Darlington office you can University Health Services on campus. (www.unihealth. Some of the issues the SRC attend without an appointment on Tuesdays and usyd.edu.au) Otherwise, if you want somewhere near your provides support with include: Thursdays from 1:00 to 3:00 pm or you can ring home, look to see – or ask – if they are bulk billed. the receptionist to make an appointment at any If you are a local student you may need to get your own other time. • Centrelink Advice Medicare Card. It is easy, you just take 100 points of • Academic Appeals identification (like a driver’s licence and a credit card • Discontinuing/Withdrawing and your student ID) to a Medicare office (see www. • Students at Risk For SRC Help contact: medicareaustralia.gov.au/public/claims/offices.jsp for locations). Medicare will then send you a card in the mail. • Show Cause Breda Dee, the Satellite Caseworker This does not cost anything. • Exclusion 0466 169 664 / 9660 5222 or email: b.dee@src. • Students with a disability usyd.edu.au or Skype: SRChelp. Regardless of where your previous doctor is you can ask • Legal Advice for undergraduate students your family doctor to send a copy of your files, or a letter • Tenancy Advice of reference outlining all the information your new doctor • Harassment and Discrimination needs. When it comes time to leave this Sydney doctor • Interest Free Loans and go back home, you can always get you information sent back to your doctor the same way. • International Students • Plagiarism Abe
The Students’ Representative Council (SRC) Legal Service has a solicitor on campus to provide free legal advice, representation in court and referral to undergraduate students at Sydney University.
We can assist you with: Appointments • Family law (advice only) • Consumer complaints Phone the SRC Office to make an appointment 9660 5222 • Criminal law • Victims compensation Drop-in sessions Tuesdays & Thursdays 1pm-3pm (no need for an appointment) • Traffic offences • Discrimination and harassment Location • Insurance law • Tenancy law Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney • Domestic violence • Administrative law (government etc) Level 1 Wentworth Bldg, Uni of Sydney • Employment law • University complaints 02 9660 5222 | www.src.usyd.edu.au • Credit & debt • Other general complaints ACN 146 653 143
Note: The solicitor cannot advise on immigration law but can refer you to migration agents and community centres. For Family The SRC’s operational costs, space and administrative Law and Property Relationships Act matters we can refer you to solicitors who charge at a fair rate. support are financed by the University of Sydney. SRC HELP & LEGAL
Contact SRC HELP If you are not on main phone: (02) 9660 5222 email: [email protected] campus contact SRC www.src.usyd.edu.au Level 1, Wentworth Building on: 0466 169 664 17 V Donherra Walmsley [email protected] PRESIDENT’S REPORT twitter: @srcpresident
Last week I wrote about the Base first proposed in 2009 by the Labor SSAF, because you support excellent Funding Review, one of the two big Government to provide revenue for organisations such as the SRC (or if Federal issues for higher education universities to revive vital services and you are 100% in favour of the bill for this year. The other big issue is the amenities that had been demolished the same reasons), then you would Student Services and Amenities under VSU. It didn’t get through the probably care about the fact that as Fee (more commonly known as the Senate, but with the new Greens- it stands student organisations won’t SSAF), which had some coverage dominated Senate coming in in July, the necessarily receive any money from in the O-Week edition of Honi Soit, legislation is well and truly back on the the fee. I believe that if students are but I’d like to explain in some more cards. going to be charged a fee, we should detail in my report this week. have a say in where it goes, and at least Why the SSAF is NOT a return to a portion should be spent on student Before we start, a bit of background compulsory student unionism (or, you organisations, which is why I support the on the issue. can hate on the SSAF but at least be amendments proposed by the National accurate about it): Prior to 2006, organisations such Union of Students: as the SRC and USU were financed 1. The fee would be deferrable in a 1. Representation should be among the by Compulsory Student Unionism HECS-HELP style loan, meaning you allowable spend items in the Bill (CSU), which meant that every single wouldn’t have to pay it off until you’re student had to pay an upfront fee earning serious money. That could be 2. The Bill should require that a which went towards supporting years away. portion of fee revenue be allocated to these organisations. The Howard independent, democratically elected, Government introduced Voluntary 2. As the legislation currently stands, student controlled organisations at each Student Unionism (VSU) which came universities are under NO OBLIGATION university. into effect in 2006, meaning, as the to give ANY of the money from the 3. The Bill should require universities name would suggest, that students SSAF to student organisations. In fact, to consult with their independent, had the choice of whether or not representation – i.e. – what the SRC democratically elected, student- they would support their student does – is currently among the prohibited controlled organisations regarding organisations by paying fees. This spend items, so it’s a pretty big stretch division and expenditure of fee revenue. is the system under which we’re to call it a return to compulsory University, however, as long as there is currently operating. student unionism. Universities could The National Office Bearers from nothing in legislation forcing them to quite feasibly spend all the money the National Union of Students have support us, the continued existence of At Sydney University, we’ve been on buying out their student union’s been in Canberra lobbying Federal the SRC (and other organisations like the incredibly fortunate to have an commercial operations and then trying politicians to try and get support for USU and SUPRA) is completely at the administration who has seen the to make a profit out of them, rather these amendments, with some success. whim of the University administration. value of student organisations, and than supporting their student unions. We need to show the politicians that This is particularly concerning for under VSU the University has funded Hypothetically. Seriously though, the fee if we’re going to be charged an extra the SRC, given that we regularly take us out of their own pocket. Without is designed to ensure vital services, such fee, we want student money to go stances against the University in the the support of the University, we as health and counselling, are provided to students, not to the University’s interests of students – at any point the would be dead, like so many student on all campuses across Australia. At the bottom line. To show support for the University could decide that rather than organisations around the rest of moment many universities, particularly NUS amendments to the Bill, we’ve put providing an important accountability the country. Sydney University is those which are less affluent, don’t together a photo petition, which some mechanism and ensuring fairness as the only one to still have a weekly provide these services, nor do they of you might have seen at O-Week. If much as possible for students, we are an student newspaper, and that is have any “campus life” to speak of, so you missed it at O-Week, don’t worry! annoying thorn in their side. All it takes due in large part to the University it’s about making sure that students at We’re going to be running petition stalls is a University administration who can’t continuing to support the SRC under all universities have the opportunity to up on Eastern Avenue on Wednesdays be bothered with those pesky students VSU, where other universities have have access to a reasonable standard and Thursdays from 10-12, so if you’ve always hassling them about things like left their organisations to wither of, as the name suggests, services and got any questions about the SSAF, or library opening hours and fair plagiarism away into insignificance – either want to show your support for the procedures, and the SRC could cease to because they didn’t believe they amenities. amendments by taking a photo with a exist. were important, or because they So what? sign (like the one of me at the top of this were not in a financial position to be If you support students’ money going article), drop by the stall! able to support a substantial student Well, it’s relatively certain-ish that this to students, and organisations like the organisation. legislation will end up getting through, The indications that have been given by SRC continuing to fight for your rights so if you’re absolutely anti-SSAF, sorry. our University so far suggest that they at uni, then I really do encourage you to So what does all this have to do will continue to fund the SRC, because drop by our stall to find out more and be with the SSAF? If you are thinking that you kinda sorta maybe might be in favour of the they recognise the importance of the involved with our photo petition. Well, the SSAF is a bill that was organisation within the culture of the
WOMEN’S OFFICER REPORT [email protected] And the award for the best fake As a young feminist I have often field of work. The fact of the matter orgasm in Hollywood since When grappled with this idea of balancing is that anyone and everyone have the Harry Met Sally goes to… Natalie a successful career with a child. How ability to be a feminist and fight for this Portman. This woman has done it all: do feminists who decide to have freedom of choice. she’s a Harvard graduate, could pull children struggle with the idea of what off a shaved head and as of last week the presence of children can do to a I am delighted to see the amounts of commanded the Academy Awards seemingly egalitarian relationship (if “This is what a feminist looks like” shirts taking out the best actress award. they have a child within the context of a and bags floating around the university. She is the name on everyone’s lips, relationship)? And what does a child do But what I find most emphatic is but among feminists all over the to a blossoming career? the amount of other people proudly
src world it’s for all the wrong reasons. sporting the slogan, because you don’t Her thank you speech sparked a lot of These questions often spring to mind need to burn your bra, cut your hair the infinite array of choices that men controversy due to the fact that she but at the end of the day I would really short and wear doc martens to already have and women in many ways thanked her partner for giving her actually like to stick up for Natalie be a feminist. You also don’t have to do not. So drop by the SRC office and the “greatest role of all”, that is the Portman, her life choices, and what give up the option to get married and pick up a shirt or a bag, and you can role of motherhood. They question, she stated in her speech, because after have kids, or give up the option to have help us spread the word and show that that as soon as Portman reached all isn’t feminism all about choice and a successful career, or as in Natalie you believe in this freedom of choice for the pinnacle of her flourishing the freedom to do so? This freedom of Portman’s case give up the option to women. career, why she put herself into the choice is what we strive to equalize as have both. stereotypical female role of a mother. feminists; The choice to have a child; I guess what I am trying to say is that as Does her decision to have a child, and The choice to become prime minister; a woman I want to be able to choose her pride in doing so, take away from The choice to have the option to be paid any lifestyle and not be discriminated her thus far successful career? equally as men; The choice to attain to 18 the highest levels of employment in any for it, and as a feminist I am fighting for V
GENERAL SECRETARY’S REPORT [email protected] This week I want to address some issues The Anti-Racism Collective campaigns incidents of child sexual abuse linked to from queers to those with disabilities. concerning the Anti-Racism Collective against the “Northern Territory alcohol and pornography is ‘racist’. These students, inclusive of Liberals, (ARC) that were responsible for a protest Intervention” and illegal refugees. They should be accepted as legitimate during O-Week. Now you might have also appear to have a third agenda to I ask you to consider what constructive members of the SRC and free from been wondering to yourself, “What is campaign against and seek to destroy campaigns the Anti-Racism Collective personal vendettas such as those of the the Anti-Racism Collective?” You might our democratic institutions starting could be undertaking with their time Anti-Racism collective, otherwise the be thinking ‘Anti-Racism’ that sounds with our SRC representatives. They have and the SRC’s resources. This however equality they fight for is frivolous and like a good cause, and I agree removing undertaken vendettas against individual gets more to the point of what should shallow. the detriment of racism from our society SRC councilors, failing to realise the SRC your SRC be doing, undertaking partisan is a very worthy cause. is a place for all students of any political campaigns or supporting you the or personal persuasion. students. Unfortunately, rather than fighting racism the Anti-Racism Collective has The “Northern Territory Intervention” It is this partisan campaigning I take detoured from its main purpose in occurred as a response to the report gripe with. The Anti-Racism Collective recent months, undertaking vendettas ‘Little Children are Sacred’ outlining has spent a majority of its efforts against individual SRC representatives. the aggrieved sexual abuse and neglect labeling and condemning myself, It is a very disappointing situation of children in the Northern Territory. members of the executive, members of considering the important cause and The Anti-Racism Collective believes the council as Liberals. I feel there is an SRC resources at their disposal. the “Northern Territory Intervention” appropriate time and place for partisan provides an infringement upon the campaigns, however it is not from your Firstly let’s ask ourselves, “What is the sovereignaty of those indigenous student collectives, especially those SRC here for?” Put simply the SRC is tribes, however endorses a situation collectives who could provide central here to protect your rights at university. of continuing social instability in support against racism. Every week I encourage anyone with the region. All children deserve an Most importantly, the SRC is a place university related issues to contact us upbringing unmarred by sexual, physical and take advantage of our assistance where all political and personal or emotional abuse. What confounds persuasions are accepted, there is “Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in services! Likewise, we are here to me is how responding to a section of represent your views to the university! support for a wide range of identities the hallway. One hat says to the other, the community with above average ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’.”
EDUCATION OFFICERS’ REPORT [email protected] When you finish university, you graduate the amount that Universities can charge behind this is two fold: obviously, universities full of hope and possibility as you enter the students for their contributions (a could always do with more money, but also workforce, with a piece of paper that says system which is arranged into brackets because to have a ‘cheaper degree’ was seen you have suffered for several years for the depending on what you study). Dissecting as a concession that your degree was of an privilege, and in most cases, with a debt Spence’s ‘admin-speak,’ what he wants is inferior quality to that of other institutions. over your head that you will be paying off the ability to charge an amount that he In this awkward game of one-upmanship, for a good while. Most people don’t mind sees fit, not restricted by a legislative cap. students are always the losers. so much, as they recognise that student contributions improve the quality of And in Dr. Spence’s Fantasy Land, The notion that increasing fees does not tertiary education in this country. However, institutions (including this one!) would prevent students from going to university currently the government is conducting appropriately price education at a level is predicated on the inaccurate, and frankly a ‘Base Funding Review’, which could which reflects the true cost and value ageist notion that young people are never OECD studies have shown that the potentially drastically increase the amount of education, and does not unfairly debt averse. It is true that many people government’s per-student contribution that you pay. limit the ability of those without means burden themselves with a HECS-debt to tertiary education is, on average, $US to access it. Truth bomb: institutions without acknowledging the implications for 7,324, far below the OECD average of $US In a pretty poorly publicised submission don’t function that way. The last time future employment and earning capacity, but 10,424. Increasing student contributions to the review on behalf of the University, educational institutions were given the the idea that no potential student makes the is not a workable or equitable solution. Vice-Chancellor Michael Spence writes liberty to value the price of their degrees calculation between Uni fees and the chance that ‘Giving institutions greater flexibility as they saw fit (when the HECS Act gave to enter the workforce is absurd. If you would like to contribute to the SRC over the contributions that students make them flexibility to cost their degrees or Education Action Group’s submissions towards the cost of their education would 5% above or below the government’s All of this is on top of the fact that to the Base Funding Review, shoot us lead to improved levels of institutional recommended level), virtually all government contributions to higher an email with some details of how your diversity, quality and equality of access.’ universities charged as much as they education in this country are woefully HECS contributions are affecting you. Currently, there is a legislative limit on could for their degrees. The reasoning below the average for the developed world.
WELFARE OFFICERS’ REPORT [email protected] 2011 is set to be an exciting year for was a fantastic response, given the Breakfast Stall program. Throughout the Welfare Department, with many Welfare Department has not previously February we approached a number campaigns planned for the duration run campaign planning sessions for of businesses to get their support of Semester One and Semester Two. students. for our stall. The response so far has Over the last two months we have been been great, and we intend to continue engaging with students and the wider NUS- Student Income and Welfare building community support for the community to build support for some of Survey program. the campaigns listed below. This year NUS will be running several Additionally, throughout this semester, O- Week welfare specific campaigns, and we we will start to look into creating a more were delighted to run the Student sustainable Breakfast Stall, through With the second half of January Income and Welfare Survey at our creating partnerships with several of Currently we are in the process of dedicated to organising campaign ideas, stall. The focus of this campaign is to the bigger businesses. The aim of this designing postcards for students to we were able to set aside the first two build data on students’ experiences is to ensure the efficacy of the Welfare send to the Vice-Chancellor, calling weeks of February for designing our at university, which will be incredibly Department and will mean we won’t for more support for rural and
O Week material. In order to give the helpful when lobbying at a university, face the current stresses of whether a regional students, as well as those src department a higher level of promotion state, and federal level. The survey was smaller business can or cannot afford to who have relocated from another than in previous years, we created a well received, and we will continue donate. state or territory. brochure detailing our plans for the encouraging students to take part year. In addition to this we also had throughout the semester. Rural and Regional Students Forum We are also in the process of starting information about our Volunteering our lobbying to relevant student We started this campaign during O campaign, student support services Breakfast Stall support services within the university Week and attracted many students and NUS Welfare campaigns. In total, and are also starting to look at One of the priorities for the Welfare who had relocated through our banner, over forty people signed up to be part speakers for our forum. Department in 2011 is to restart the which encouraged participation. of our Campaign Planning Group. This 19 D CRYPToNOMiCON ACROSS! DOWN! 1. Electricity surrounds man in Los 1. Outcomes of personal property (7) CRYPTIC CROSSWORD Angeles, according to reference book (7) 2. General is certainly no 7-Down (3) MARK SUTTON 7. Etch in French tombstone (7) 3. Untidier, unkempt remises (7) 13. Charge first for each element (3) 4. Las Vegas sign ate newborn (7) 14. Back inside Roger’s true self (3) 5. Long time since I had a turn (3) 15. Extinct bird cuts grass, they say (3) 6. Iconic tenor’s fee, surprisingly, is 16. Half-cousin will fall from grace (3) lollies (15) 17. Decorate/renovate so often (7) 7. Timpani section: a discordant man 18. Judge Welsh rarebit (7) who agrees with Lincoln (15) 19. Enjoyment starts finishing up now (3) 8. Return 52-Across for conjunction (3) 20. Temperature is at one-hundred and 9. Talk on Cambodian currency with fifty-one, friend”(7) Byrne (7) 23. I heard you’re securing the roof (7) 10. Great dancer heard a step (7) 26. Neck and neck-wear (3) 11. Compete for odd voice (3) 27. Check over the phone for facial 12. Angers when she half-enrols for a twitch (3) very long time (7) 28. Fires limitlessly in his wrath (3) 21. Recline whopper (3) 29. Italian capital not open-minded about 22. Can return 39-Down (3) eggs (3) 24. Historical period in any generation 30. Snake makes unusual present (7) (3) 32. Friends allows straw mattresses (7) 25. Negating word annotated within (3) 34.Terrorist group for Gershwin (3) 31. Live advertisement, with no Middle English, for ugly (but so cute) dog (3) 35. Love Lear’s daughter? Love herb (7) 33. Official record of firewood (3) 40. Last Post aimed to be confusingly interlaced (7) 35. Trials or hands out cards (7) 46. Grumbled about Barbados booze (3) 36. Regret French street (3) 47. First war in Norway - victory! (3) 37. Hires corrupt mole/spy (7) 48. Shorter Pisa built on Queensland 38. 49-Across and then some make a comedic axis (7) TARGET mountain (3) 39. 22-down returns louse (3) 49. Statewide, one in three are in 41. Hide a species of snake (3) astonishment (3) 42. I, Robin, a war-torn place in Africa (7) o d a 50. Let deep excavation reduce resources 43. Grid, nuts, tail, etc. (7) (7) 44. Sheep lost in sewer (3) 51. Love Pilates outside finishing school, u l h 45. Of Spanish sibling, Eliot ceases (7) then take drugs (7) 54. Might arrive before June (3) 52. Return 8-Down to Burgundy (3) t o d 55. Open Sesame! Morning Mr Neill (7) 53. Vanessa is crazy, so I roam (7) 57. Hopper goes back inside doorway (3) 56. Fe, that is, open-slather for playfully unexpected changes in circumstances (7) 58. Consume awful tea (3) 59. Secular deposit (3) 60. First, make an exit West (3) 61. Oddly snobby weep (3) 62. Act poorly as feline (3) 63. Last words of Final Fantasy arises from methods (7) 64. Work hard for aliens to use the lav (7) fun
20 NO FUN ROBOT by Cyrus Bezyan & Tom Walker The Garter Press GADGET FANS IS THIS ROADTEST REVOLT CAT AGAINST SPYING OPRAH ON YOU?
iPad crushed by bus. Demand basic freedoms, another car. We ask crazy people. OUR TRUTH, YOUR PROOF HUNDREDS DEAD TEEN BITTEN BY BILLIONS STILL ALIVE RADIOACTIVE Elizabeth Hedgely SPIDER, DIES. Human Correspondent Maria Avenue Chorus Pond Ant Correspondent The world has reported that a major disaster in Hawaii has left hundreds Local teen Peter Parker was bitten by a of people dead, but billions the world radioactive spider on a school excursion over still very much alive. This is being yesterday, say medical officials. viewed as a ‘relative win’. Reportedly, the kind of radioactive UN Secretary General Ban Ki Moon spider that often give young teens super announced to the specially convened powers was responsible. Peter died a general assembly that this disaster short time after. “should not be measured in the Parker, who was reportedly the victim number of people killed, but rather the of bullying at his high school, might number of people who are still living have been able to turn the tables on his relatively comfortably in other places.” bullies had the chance biting delivered While the radioactive fallout will leave him some of the qualities of the spider the small island nation completely that delivered the bite, instead of uninhabitable for the next ten Most of these people are not being vaporised. delivering him a speedy, untimely death. thousand years, scientists were quick The President of the United States that is directly related to the incident, “This spider had miraculous abilities,” to acknowledge that there are other was quick to respond to the tragedy, as travellers remain aware that the said scientist Aleshia Candle. “Its places you can visit. Nice places. although the majority of his finely- majority of the globe is untouched by enhanced strength, speed, climbing crafted speech concerned the excellent disaster. “My home has been reduced to ability and even precognition would standards of living in the forty-nine drastically change the life of any teen rubble,” said Paul Whitherson, resident Area man Jack Rose commented that remaining states of America. gifted with similar, proportionally of the former city of Honolulu, “My “[he has] never died and it never did increased powers. Unfortunately, so wife has been reduced to ash. My Major world powers and not-for-profit [him] any harm.” When asked if he had would the gigantic dose of poison it children have been reduced to tears. charity organisations deemed Hawaii’s any plans to die, “Well, even if I did I’m inflicts on victims of its bite.” I have [found solace in the fact that likelihood of financial aid ‘small to sure everyone else would go on living.” there are people whose lives are non-existent,’ in proportion with their Super-poisoning is believed to be The sole survivor of the disaster, entirely unscathed by this tragedy] updated population. another incredible power that may have Leslie Gardiner, remains hospitalised nothing left.” been transmitted to Parker had he not Said spokesperson Lisa Aimes, after five percent of his body was not been horribly poisoned. Witnesses attending funerals report “We feel that redirecting funds to severely burned. Though he remains that people are crying over one person countries with citizens alive to spend comatose, it is expected that when Parker’s uncle Ben mourned the loss dying instead of being happy for the it will be a much better use of our he regains consciousness, his first saying “It should have been me [that bit thousands who remain alive today. resources.” communication will be his resounding Parker and caused his untimely death.]” These ceremonies have been derided joy that the entire population of the as ‘inefficient’. The global tourism industry has world remains unharmed. reported a net increase in revenues INSIDE IMMIGRANTS STEAL GOVERNOR BANS “KART MARX” STEVE JOBS Elliot Matrice “I mean, the Bowser Shell? Come on. In a written rebuttal, Walker derided Only Bill Gates can afford the ransom Commie hater / Journalist / Commie hater Is there a better metaphor for big the ACLU through a long-winded tirade P.2 government?! No, I haven’t read Animal aimed at Italian American tradespeople Citing its ‘Marxist undertones’, Scott Farm. It’s probably full of Commies, and moustaches in general. Walker, Governor of Wisconsin, has though. All word-books are full of LADIES LOVE enacted a state-wide ban on Mario Commies.” In October, Walker’s Twitter feed ALEXANDER SANDERS Kart. Invoking his rarely used executive controversially labeled Princess Peach a Alexander Sanders’ in-depth exposé power, it is now illegal to purchase, In compensation, Walker has created “typical female driver,” accused Rainbow P. 4-23 distribute or possess what his office has the country’s first buy-back scheme Road of having a “homosexualist derided as ‘Soviet propaganda’. aimed specifically at video games. agenda,” and called Yoshi a “c**t”. “Citizens in possession of the game can, WHICH MIDDLE EASTERN “The game is as red as Mario’s hat. It at any certified state office, swap it for Ending the press conference with a COUNTRY WILL RIOT NEXT? punishes success, rewards mediocrity something more in line with traditional question from WIRED on his broader We let you decide! and generally ‘spreads the wealth’. American values - something made by approach to the gaming industry, Walker P.15 The skewed allocation of boxes exploiting the third world’s resources.” reacted defensively. “I don’t hate all comes straight outta The Manifesto video games. What’s that game that – Nintendo seems to base economic Challenging the constitutionality of the lets you take a dump on poor people? IRELAND BEAT policy on ‘to each according to their law, the American Civil Liberties Union Whatever that game is, I love it!” ENGLAND IN CRICKET need’. Who has ever got a Lightning has described it as a ‘frankly bizarre Punchline thoroughly unnecessary Bolt coming first?” encroachment on personal freedom’. P.35 Opinion The Garter Press
General Gaddafi The people of Libya “Ruler” of Libya Should Gaddafi step down? All of them. What Libya needs is stable I will do that, my friends. of Commerce. I am the FUCK OFF! you did? You shot us. Yes, I don’t think you would leadership and when you I plan to stay on as long leader and I will continue SERIOUSLY, FUCK OFF! you did. You did, Gaddafi. make a good leader say stable you say General as the public wants me to lead until the next COME ON MAN, JUST Stop denying it, we all saw of Egypt. BECAUSE Gaddafi and when you say or atleast as long as I election, which I will never FUCK OFF! it. No, don’t look at the YOU’RE FUCKING General Gaddafi you seem refuse to acknowledge the hold. FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF, ground - look at me. You CRAZY, GADDAFI! to scream something after overwhelming evidence FUCK RIGHT OFF, did, didn’t you? Thank it, just before you hurl a that the public doesn’t want Should I stay on as leader? FUCK OFF, FUCK OFF, you. Now, if you would be No. You are, Gaddafi. You brick at my office. me. Is that even a question for FUCK OFF. so kind please fuck off, and are crazy. Don’t look at the me to answer? It is and I PLEASE FUCK OFF. if you can find the time, ground - look at me. You’re I can only assume this Let’s face it - I am the am. PLEASE. please fuck yourself on crazy, aren’t you? Thank sentence is “Thank you leader of Libya. Read the your way out. you. for being such an excellent wikipedia page. Okay, it’s If the people really wanted Look, we tried to be calm leader of my country. been edited but usually me out they would hold about this. We tried to be No, you don’t get it. It’s We’re really very polite. Please continue governing. it says I’m the leader of rallies in the streets and nice. We really did. We over. It’s really over. Over polite, if anything. In fact, please use this brick Libya. Also I never elected NOT be shot at. That quietly lined up and asked I don’t care where you go! So, please, look into your to build another well run an ape as the Minister of simply isn’t happening. you really quite sweetly Run for election in Egypt “heart” and fuck off. ministerial office.” Defense. He was Minister if you would please stand for all I care! down. Do you know what Well, if you’re asking - no
THE WORD OF it was time to throw a MY FLOAT BELONGS painful way possible. Is this party to celebrate the too much to ask? WORDS ABOUT THE great achievements of this IN THIS YEAR’S NIGHT OF NIGHTS industry. And so, the Oscars MARDI GRAS Some nay-sayers out there were born. think that we’re just trying to use the parade for publicity, I was swimming in cocaine, without any genuine interest with Oscars correspondent Oscar bathing in champage, in gay and lesbian rights. Not killing whoever I wanted! It Roger Killwhale, Whale Killer genuine? It’s talk like this Another year of Oscar glitz beautiful people. I ran a seemed like the good times For the fourth year in a row Sure, it might not be about which makes me want to kill and glamour has come boutique café in the middle would never end. and gone, and it was the of Sunset Boulevard, and it my float has been denied all the media’s ‘big’ gay a whale. Luckily, I have. same as always. Gowns was the local hang out for Then the good times ended. entry to the Gay and Lesbian issues, like marriage and as voluminous as hot air all the stars. You wanted A man came to my door Mardi Gras, and what adoption, but that doesn’t To those who think as I do, balloons, hair as high as to have a good time, see a and handed me a cease and supposed reason does “The mean it doesn’t deserve any fight for gay and lesbian Charlie Sheen, speeches as friendly face? You came to desist letter. It seems that Man” give? It seems “The representation. Pro-whalers rights and kill a whale today. boring as a Mexican fucking Oscar’s. You wanted the another Oscars ceremony Man” doesn’t believe “a pro- have a voice, and we want it contest and, as per usual, best soy macchiato this had been running for decades. whaling float is befitting the heard - if that means I have to To the rest of you, I leave no one mentioned me. Me, side of Napoli? You came spirit of Mardi Gras.” murder a whale in cold blood you with this question: Oscar. THE Oscar. to Oscar’s. You wanted So I was sent back to my in the middle of a parade Can you call a world dry-cleaning? You went to trashcan, like a forgotten Can you see the bullshit then that is what I’ll do. And truly equal when loveless Oh sure, I hear ya, grouchy Wendy’s Dry Cleaning - Jon Lovitz in a trashcan. I have to put up with? It’s if it doesn’t mean that, that is heterosexual marriages old Oscar having a go at all about fighting for man’s still what I will do. are considered ‘right’ and which is next to Oscar’s. This industry may have the pretty people in their right to slaughter the largest hunting endangered animals forgotten me but I can’t forget pretty dresses on their pretty creatures on Earth! What is I just believe you can is considered ‘wrong’? But one day things changed. it. So tonight I will assume night. To hell with you, more homosexual than that? both support the rights of It was 1963, a year that saw my alter ego and blend hypothetical enemy! Nothing. That’s what. homosexual people and want I know I can’t. Neither can over 14 movies hit the big in the crowd. Tonight, screen, and I thought whales to die in the most the whales I murder. I was once one of the Johnny Depp rises again.
Sometimes life just falls into place. Like slammin’ a dunk, scoring a free beer or picking up a hottie. But what do you do if your penis develops a knuckle? Right now, there is no answer. Call the Dick Knuckle Institute on 1800-DICKKNUCKLE for information on upcoming clinical trials and counselling. The Back Page The Garter Press
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JONES’ EEL RESERVOIR: MY ABRASIVE EMERITUS FLAVIUS: SOME SAY that you choose It’s eely good! 9564-8837 COLUMN∞ PERSONALITY: May be to Roman senator, AD 301 your career. Others believe do with all the gin I’ve been - AD 355. Body only just that your career chooses you. JONES’ SEAL RESERVOIR: neglecting. SEND ME GIN. discovered. Apologies to his I believe you should buy some “I am an opium addict,” says Albert It’s sealy good! 9564-8838 family who must have been fucking yaks. Contact Jones’ Neimeyer. “It is time I came to terms MY PLETHORA: I had so with this. I am in a place of negativity JONES’ COW RESERVOIR: worried sick. Yak Reservoir 9564-8840 many things in there! and despair and want only relief.” It’s cowy good! 9564-8839 More like Nope-ium, Albert! Hope YOU: Timmy, we left you JONES’ YAK RESERVOIR: PERSONALS WANTED this helps. in the Bondi Westfield BUY A FUCKING YAK! newsgents. Just don’t panic, 9564-8840 ZOOKEEPER NEEDS OFFENSIVE MALE: To “I think purple is the new black. But and ask the clerk to call us LOVE: Anyone interested in pose as woman’s husband for purple is still a colour! What should I on 94527601. And remember a little animal husbandry? three days. May be required do?” asks Edo Kleitzmann. Don’t be FOR SALE to pay for this newspaper or to continue charade on so shallow, Edo. they’ll send you to prison. I HAVE STOLEN YOUR A KILO OF WHEAT: It’s Carribean holiday. Must be HEART: You will get it back On the topic of similes, Sarah says an all-you-can-wheat buffet! SOUL: I gave her my heart open to possibility of true when I am done with it. “Everyone tells me I have a nice Provided you can only eat a but she wanted my soul. I love: contact any Hollywood simile.” That is a metaphor, Sarah. kilo of wheat. think she was a demon. THE FARMER WANTS A writer.
WIFE: Yours will do. Give RETURN OF THE JEDI: Warren Gilroy of Bronte notes, “The THE MOON: Pick up only. MY MARBLES: A-fwibbity- me your wife, FOR I AM I left the Jedi in the fridge moon appears to be twice as big as it wibbity woowoo. THE FARMER WATERGATE TAPES: with my name clearly labelled did when I was little.” That’s actually B-Sides include rare “Tricky HAVE YOU SEEN THE I LOVE YOU, MATHS: Will on them. Return by this because the moon is now four times as Dick Remix” BACK OF MY HEAD: I you give me your imaginary afternoon and there will be no close, Warren. Duck! never have. Is it pretty? number? questions asked. DINOSAUR SWEAR Continuing our debate over fresh WORDS: Authentic WILL YOU MARRY ME? SOME FUCKING YAKS: versus frozen foods Armagenodos the diplodi-cuss. SERVICES This is a command. Will, you I need more fucking yaks Invincible sends in a parcel containing marry me. You marry me to sell. Contact Jones’ Yak ICE CREAM MAKING a human leg. Score one for fresh, ASHFIELD CREMATORIUM: right now, William. Reservoir and sell me some ROBOT: Permanently stuck Armagenodos! We put the ash in Ashfield! fucking yaks! 9564-8840 in à la mode. (Or where desired) 9889-7477 “I never thought I’d say this ...” writes Trevor McMahon. Well, we’re surprised too, Trevor! which is indifferent to tea). Albert Einstein famously once A TIME FOR SPACE The first person to land on the looked at the moon. If only “Imagine if there was someone called moon immediately regretted we knew what he had said ‘Attention,’” writes Jacqueline Wade their decision to go to the upon observing it. Alas. of Pymble. “Everytime somebody said moon as all his astronaut With Professor Mansfield ‘Pay attention!’ they’d become richer!” friends went to legoland As always, we have received a This is an impractical economic Man of Science instead which is classified as question from a loyal reader system, Jacqueline. 37% cooler than the moon. and fellow Scientogapher Jamie Lubens, aged 8, who asks: Welcome back, space-i-teers! that rockets are powered by Another teasing riddle from Elliot After all, you can build the Mr. Mansfield, Strap in your rockets and the fear of reprisal from the Hastings of Pyrmont who writes moon out of lego but you Why does the moon look so small set your turntables to cosmonauts within! “Where’s my wife?” That’s a tough can’t build a lego out of even though it is really really big SpaceStation learning! one, Elliot! But why would we want to go moons! Reports of Duplo Love Jamie remain unscientific and I, Professor Mansfield, will to the moon? Why can’t the More on the museum crime spree unverified by the community Well, Jamie, it looks like you be teaching you the physics moon just come here? The from Andrew Clarke, “I spotted some at large. Such megafauna forgot one thing: my name is behind getting to the moon He-Moon or She-Moon could men trying to steal a bust of Skippy could not be supported on the Professor Mansfield. I didn’t and back again and then stop by and we’d have a lovely from the natural history museum so moon’s inhospitable surface. spend 6 months getting a maybe to the moon a third cup of tea, a bit of a crumpet, I replaced it with a live one!” Sounds Masters in Scientificiking to time if you’d like to go again. and massively effect the tides like you played the old Switch-a-roo, As Robert Heinstein once be called Mister. of the world’s oceans. Andrew! You might be wondering said, the moon is a harsh what powers a mighty rocket? Luckily, Science provides an mistress. Science has since That’s all the Infotainmation Angels? Sparkledust? The answer. Thanks to the element proven that the moon is a we have room for this week. NEXT WEEK bones of angels?! Caesium, the moon hates tea! gentle lover, a mighty bird and Join us next week when we a true friend to those in need. ask which ape man evolved Worry not, my students, no Since time began man has Also, it controls the tides. from, Australopithecus or DISNEYLAND DEMOTED angel will die today. Every dreamt of visiting this tea- After all, it is our sole source Dunstan from Dunstan of Moonium (tm)! Checks In! TO 2ND GREATEST PLACE good physicalitist and some hating titan (Not to be ON EARTH good biocommodles know confused with the moon Titan, Congratulations Nowra!
LADY GAGA CREATES OUTRAGE AT FASHION SHOW The Garter Press is ACTUALLY, I AM Murders two people in cold blood. censoring the following AN ACTOR contributors: HOW MANY SQUIDS ARE Garry Windham, Thespian TOO MANY SQUIDS? Tom Walker, Ciaran Magee, WORKSHOPS, CHILDREN’S BIRTHDAYS, The answer is eight. Michael Richardson, Laurence STREET ART - Ealdorhim from Lord of the Rings OSCARS FASHION WRAP UP Rosier Staines, Bridie Connell, (scenes deleted) Who made The Garter’s - Etiquette-bot #2 (Star Wars II) James Colley, Shaun Crowe, Best/Worst/Not Dressed list? Julian Larnach - Globe Theatre’s Macbeth: Senior lighting advisor (scenes deleted) CHARLIE SHEEN They are wrong. The earth - Acquaintance of Hugo Weaving CONTROVERSY Newspaper now - Vice-President of SUDS is flat. completely powered by jealousy CALL 1800-ACTOIRE