THE

The Independent Newspaper Serving Notre Dame and Saint Mary's OLUME 42: ISSUE 110 TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2008 NDSMCOBSERVER.COM Immigrant admission policy examined Burglary Undocumented students could gain acceptance to University, but few actually apply cases may grants - to apply and enroll. are admitted. Saracino said he Because undocumented stu­ By BECKY HOGAN "Once we began researching wasn't certain the University dents are treated like interna­ News Writer we started finding that it is had any undocumented stu­ tional students, they must "be entirely possible for undocu­ dents enroll in the past 10 able to show the University that be linked After last fall's campus-wide mented students to be admitted years. they have the funds to pay for a forum on immigration, senior [to the University]," Kozak said. The applicant pool is so small four year experience at Notre Michael Kozak was left with Assistant Provost for in part because a limited Dame," Saracino said. questions about the University's Enrollment Dan Saracino said amount of fmancial aid is avail­ "A U.S. citizen and or a per­ NDSP description role in the debate. while the University does not able for international students. manent resident is eligible for matches Valpo suspect Kozak, who had completed a prohibit undocumented students According to the Office Of federal grant money and federal four-credit field study course on from applying to Notre Dame, it Undergraduate Admissions Web loans, and then we are capable Mexican immigration last does require that they apply as site, the University "meets 100 of meeting the difference of By BILL BRINK semester, was inspired to international students. percent of every student's what the federal programs pro­ News Editor research the University admis­ "We have no policy against demonstrated need," though it vide," Saracino said. "We cannot sions process for undocumented admitting an undocumented also requires international stu­ afford to offer admission to Notre Dame Security/Police students. lle wanted to find out student if the student is aca­ dent applicants to submit a undocumented students who (NDSP) has received new if Notre Dame allowed undocu­ demically qualified," Saracino Certificate of Finances proving can't afford to pick up the tab information about burglaries mented citizens - a genteel said. they can pick up the costs for in Lyons Hall last week that euphemism for illegal immi- However, few apply, and few their education. see IMMIGRANT/page 4 may identify a suspect and link him to similar crimes at Valparaiso University, NDSP director Phil Johnson said Monday in an e-mail to The ColU11111ist says era of religious right at an end Observer. During the burglary, three laptops and two wallets were Dionne claims Christian voters have shifted party affiliation over past three decades stolen from two unlocked rooms last Wednesday, NDSP assistant director Dave what it means to be a Christian Chapman said last week. By CLAIRE REISING in public life," he said. News Writer Johnson said "several peo­ Dionne said religion has tra­ ple" had seen the man NDSP ditionally been a conservative considers to be a suspect. He After over 20 years of associ­ force but religious Americans was described as a black ation with right-wing conser­ are now focusing on other faith­ male, between 5-foot-8 and 5- vatism, Christians are redefin­ influenced issues such as social foot-11, with a thin build, ing their relationship with poli­ justice and Jesus' emphasis on "frizzy, long, black hair" in a tics and moving away from the serving the poor. pony tail or braid, possibly religious right to support the "This is a change which is bad or missing teeth and pos­ Democratic Party, Washington now underway, for liberals and sibly facial stubble, Johnson Post columnist E. J. Dionne Jr. conservatives alike, to abandon said. said. their sometimes narrow view The man had a duffle-type "The era of the religious right about who real Americans are bag, Johnson said, and is over. The end of the religious and what they believe," he said. entered unlocked rooms when right does not signal an end to Voting trends among young students were present. When conservative Christianity," people indicate this ideological he saw the students, he asked Dionne said in a lecture shift, Dionne said when he com­ for someone by name who did Monday in Carey Auditorium. pared Ronald Reagan's 1980 not live in the room, Johnson "It's a sign of a reformation election with today's political said. among Christians who are dis­ climate. Voters under 30 voted NDSP learned from entangling their great religious three to two for Reagan, who Valparaiso that similar rob­ movement from a political was a Republican, but in 2006, beries took place on its cam­ machine." young voters supported demo- DUSTIN MENNELLA!The Observer pus in recent months, and the Christian conservatives have Washington Post columnist E.J. Dionne Jr. explored the effect of adopted "a broader definition of see DIONNE/page 3 faith-related issues on voter thinking Monday. see LYONS/page 4

Maura Weis details fatnily's struggle CAMPUS LIFE COUNCIL Husband, Charlie, leaves practice early to help promote wife's new book Group discusses change

By SARAH MAYER to Orientation forn1at News Writer

To introduce of his wife's referring to socializing activi­ By KATIE PERALTA book during a discussion and ties between men's and Assistant News Editor book signing in McKenna women's dorms typically Hall, Notre Dame football planned for students during the coach Charlie Weis said In its last meeting before the orientation days. Monday was the first occa­ new administration takes Coughlin said students have sion in coaching career that office, the Campus Life Council too little time to move into their he has ever left a practice (CLC) discussed improving the rooms and say goodbye to their early. format of First Year Orientation parents during the current FYO "I told the guys this morn­ (FYO) Monday. schedule and advocated free ing this is something impor­ Brian Coughlin, assistant vice time for the students in his pro­ tant enough for me to leave president for Student Activities, posal. practice for," Charlie said. presented a plan to update and He also said more in-dorm Maura Weis' book, "Miles improve the first three days a activities should be planned for From the Sidelines: A freshman experiences on cam­ the weekend to foster friend­ Mother's Journey With Her pus. ships among men and women Special ·Needs Daughter," "The programming lof FYO] in their respective dormitories. focuses on the tribulations JESSICA LEE!The Observer seemed awkward and forced ... "[We want to plan activities in Maura Weis, left, discusses her book "Miles From the Sidelines: A with some of the inter-gender see WEIS/page 6 Mother's Journey with Her Special Needs Daughter" Monday. socialization," Coughlin said, see CLC/page 4 page 2 The Observer+ PAGE 2 Tuesday, April 1, 2008

INSIDE COLUMN QUESTION OF THE DAY: Do YOU PARTICIPATE IN A CAMPUS SPORT, IF SO, WHICH ONE? A guide for vvriting to Vievvpoint Jason Briggs Julie Lambe Meagan Conway Michael Lutkus Avery Ambrose Liam Leyden It's that time of the year again junior senior senior senior junior freshman when Viewpoint becomes intensely Z.ahm off-campus off-campus O'Neil Keenan Keough 'Monologues' oriented. So here it is, a shameless plea Kara King "Varsity beer 'Tm president "I used to play "Rowing: it's "Water polo - "I row for the for letters. But pong. " of the ultimate flag football more than a best sport illustrious not just any let­ Viewpoint ters. Good let­ team sport- until my broken sport. ever. mens crew ters. Articulate Editor men's rowing, finger injury of It's a way of team. " lntters. Lett11rs because I like to 2005- then I life." with a logical argument. retired.,, Below arc some helpful tips for let­ boss guys ter-writing, guaranteed to incrnase around." your chance of publication. 1) Proofread - Don't just write a letter in anger and send it off. Hemember that you are submitting this for publication. It is not just a friendly (or not-so-friendly) e-mail. IN BRIEF If there are typos or basic grammat­ The Notre Dame softball icAssociated Press. [email protected] Viewpoint is representative of our community. If you l'ind it boring, change it. The views expressed in the Inside Column are those of the author and not TODAY TONIGHT WEDNESDAY THURSDAY FRIDAY SATURDAY necessarily those of The Observer. c:: Contact Kara King at LIJ kking5@nd. edu :::1: ~ LIJ

CORRECTIONS 3: •• 6 6 •• & 6 •• 6 • ••• t ..... ®••• • ® ••

Tuesday, April 1, 2008 The Observer + CAMPUS NEWS page 3

Instead of arguing over issues like Roe v. Wade, which legalized Dionne abortion in the United States, Scholar discusses sex in Shakespeare continued from page 1 Dionne proposed that both pro­ life and pro-choice advocates cratic candidates three to two. should seek abortion-reducing Lecture examines sexuality in Elizabethan society, literature Likewise, in the 2008 presiden­ policies, such programs that tial primaries, young voters are combine abstinence and contra­ showing the most support for ceptive approaches to prevent sexual experiences are scarce on the subject, he By MADELINE BUCKLEY reflected in his writing, Wells said. However, one prison "Obama-style progress," he said. unwanted pregnancy. News Writer Dionne said Democratic politi­ While some religious said. In Shakespeare's "As record indicated the exis­ cians' greater openness to dis­ Americans are redefining their You Like It," Rosalind dis­ tence of a prostitute from cussing religion's influence in political priorities, Dionne said Shakespeare scholar cusses pre-marital sex, and Shakespeare's hometown. A politics and their personal reli­ secularism and neo-atheism are Stanley Wells used public in his Sonnet 151, woman by the name of gious lives might be an explana­ on the rise on the American records from Shakespeare's Shakespeare gives an Elizabeth Evans lived a color­ tion for this shift. He said Barack political scene. hometown Stratford-upon­ "extraordinary description of ful life as a prostitute until Obama has created a "new pub­ In a study conducted by Pew Avon to understand the sexu­ an erection, detailing the ris­ she was finally arrested for lic language" Forum Religion al behavior of Shakespeare ing and the falling of the using a 5 year-old girl to earn about religion, and Public Life, and his contemporaries dur­ penis," he said. money as a prostitute, Wells and Hillary "The era of the 16 percent of ing his lecture "Sex and This frank discussion of said. Literature in Shakespeare's sexual encounters gave Clinton discuss­ religious right is over. Americans now Homoeroticism was anoth­ es religion in a claim no religious Time" Monday. Elizabethan theater a bad er scandalous literature sophisticated, The end ofthe religious affiliation and 31 Sexual misconduct was not reputation, Wells said. There theme "in vogue" at the time personal way. right does not signal percent of that blatant under the eye of were some religious leaders of Shakespeare, he said. Dionne said sample said Q u e e n who blamed Although sodomy was pun­ an end to conservative Elizabeth, the plague ishable by death, "male-to­ despite this Catholicism was "It was a sexy move away from Christianity.'' their childhood who was often that spread male relationships were com­ the religious religion, Dionne referred to as business. Rumors throughout mon," he said. Most famous­ the Virgin Europe on the­ ly, accounts detail the sexual right, there are E.J. Dionne Jr. said. He offered circulated about the still polarizing several reasons Queen, and atrical per­ exploits of Queen Elizabeth's Washington Post the church or sexual conduct of the formances and successor, King James I, religious issues, columnist for this trend, like abortion. such as disputes the state did players." Wells com­ Wells said. His "fondness for Dionne also over science and not tolerate pared the handsome young men" is well said the problem of abortion the notion that religion implies adultery, players who documented, he said. incontinence Stanley Wells dominated the While homoerotic themes needs new solutions, since it has conservatism. Shakespeare scholar been legal for 35 years, and even Dionne said although some or pre-marital Shakespearian were popular in the literature if Roe v. Wade was reversed, he atheists take belief seriously and sex, Wells stages to the of Shakespeare's contempo­ said most states would still allow engage in intellectual discourse, said. current raries, and many believe that early-term abortions, and women the neo-atheists can be as "Stratford records give celebrity culture. some of Shakespeare's work would obtain tl_1em illegally. adamant in their right-wing con­ record of prosecution for for­ "It was a sexy business," he falls in the same category, "Our rate is much higher than servative Christian views. nication," Wells said. said. "Rumors circulated Wells is skeptical that in other countries where abor­ "They are operating in a tradi­ In spite of the danger of about the sexual misconduct Shakespeare's writing can be punishment, evidence shows of the players." Like actors tion is legal," he said. "It seems tion too," he said. "There's a sort classified as homoerotic. to me the time has come for pro­ of elitism in some of their line of that Shakespeare himself now, players were scrutinized "Shakespeare succeeds in choice people to acknowledge argument, which I find no less engaged in pre-marital sex, for more than their acting writing verses that could be that abortion is a moral problem troublesome than a right-wing as his wife Anne Hathaway skills, Wells said. applied to homoeroticism," and tci understand why right-to­ Christian who votes differently was already pregnant at the While prostitution was also Wells said, "but ultimately, he lifers see abortion as a moral evil than I do in every political con­ time of their marriage, Wells a component of Elizabethan simply captures the very and for pro-lifers to say, 'Let us test." said. It seems as though he society, it is left out of much essence of human love." literature of the time, Wells pursue a strategy that will sub­ escaped prosecution for this Contact Madeline Buckley at stantially reduce the number of Contact Claire Reising at and escaped "scot-free." said. Although the practice did occur, public records are abortions in our nation."' [email protected] Shakespeare's personal [email protected] page 4 The Observer + CAMPUS NEWS Tuesday, April I, 2008

Kozak, however, said the poli­ evaluates undocumented immi­ plans to work with the rectors of cy should be changed to simplify grants just as they would any each dorm and implement a for­ IIDinigran t the process of applying as an other applicant. CLC mal University committee on ori­ undocumented student or to "We accept undocumented continued from page 1 continued from page 1 entation. receive a student visa. students because when we go According to Coughlin, a jun­ for the full four years." "Undocumented immigrants through the admissions process ior or senior hall orientation Kozak is not satisfied with the have to physically go back their we may or may not know if a the dorm that] talk about dorm coordinator will take the place University's claim that undocu­ country [of origin! to get a visa student is undocumented," traditions as well as the brother­ of the current sophomore com­ mented students are a financial ... getting an international stu­ Meyer said. "The decision is just hood and sisterhood of each missioners that have served burden. dent visa is extremely difficult in based on academic qualifica­ dorm," Coughlin said. "We want each dormitory in previous "We're not talking about and of itself," Kozak said. tion. We do not want to penalize to look at what makes each hall years. droves of undocumented stu­ Kozak said reevaluating the a student if she is undocument­ unique." "We need someone with a little dents." Kozak said. "We're not current policy is part of the ed." l-Ie said the new proposal bit more experience before they dealing with huge numbers. University's duty as part of its When an undocumented stu­ introduces activities that "take become the coordinators of Personally. I don't think that it's Catholic mission. dent applies for financial aid at some of the attention away from events," Coughlin said. the burden (the University( is "In the same way that the Saint Mary's, she is not guaran­ some of the running around and making it out be." University does not deny admis­ teed to receive full financial aid chanting" of current activities. In Other CLC news: lie thinks the University's poli­ sion to poor people because of from the College since Saint In the newly formatted FYO, Sheena Plamoottil, head of the cy of meeting 100 percent of the additional burden they will Mary's does not guarantee there will be a divergence from Task Force on Campus students' demonstrated need place on financial aid, it ought meeting 100 percent of stu­ other types of scheduled activi­ Environment, announced a pro­ unfairly prevents undocument­ not deny admission to undocu­ dents' demonstrated need, ties, such as anything that is posal to advocate proper serving ed students from enrolling due mented immigrants based on Meyer said. physically demanding, which, sizes on dining hall trays was to lack of financial aid. financial ease alone," Kozak "She has to rely on her family Coughlin said, can alienate peo­ rejected. Saracino said said. "This is a and her extended family to ple. Plamoottil said Notre Dame it's critical for moral decision fmance her education," he said. "We want to keep this as Food Services recently ordered studenLo:; to have "This is a moral and one that Unlike the University's policy, organic as possible," he said. around 15,000 new trays which permanent resi­ decision and one that ought to reflect however, undocumented stu­ Coughlin also advocated elimi­ nullifies the task force's plan to dency, since ought to reflect our our Catholic dents are considered for schol­ nating certain activities between print the serving sizes of' each that status sense of morali­ arships from the College in the men and women's halls, such as food group on the trays. makes them eli­ Catholic sense of ty." same way any other student tie or shoe exchanges. "[The idea is] to focus on eat­ hrible for federal morality." Kozak said it is would be considered. According to Coughlin, in the ing a balanced meal, not just aid. imperative for "We also make a decision on newly proposed schedule, first­ showing what foods are "But if' an the University to the level of academic scholar­ year students will participate in healthy," Plamoottil said. Michael Kozak undocumented reevaluate the ship she qualifies for," Meyer more activities within the dorm The group now is looking into student applies senior policy because said. "We apply the same stan­ for very specific reasons. getting plates made with portion to us and won't there are public dards across the entire appli­ "[First-year students will] get sizes marked off. be a permanent and private non­ cant pool." to know their floor-mates, sec­ "It will give a visual estimation resident, we can't offer them Catholic colleges and universi­ Saint Mary's did change the tion-mates and dorm-mates of how much meat, dairy, veg­ admission unless they have ties that admit undocumented way undocumented students before moving out into the etables, et cetera, that students someone who can sponsor them students and offer them aid to apply for aid this year. They are greater campus in general," should eat," Plamoottil said. (to help ofl'set tuition costs]," he finance their education. now required to complete a Coughlin said. said. lie said Harvard University paper version of the Free He said in order to implement Contact Katie Peralta at Saraeino mentioned a female and Princeton University are Application for Federal Student the new proposal, Coughlin [email protected] applicant from California who is two of the non-Catholic, highly Aid (FAFSA). The College uses in the ·proc-ess of attaining per­ visible institutions that accept this application to assess a stu­ manent residency prior to join­ undocumented students and dent's eligibility for aid. ing the Class of' 2012. provide them with financial aid. 'This year the change in poli­ said. _ "We just sent .a letter to I Iarvard had 10 undocumented cy was carefully analyzed and Chapman said last week the California Senator (Dianne( students and Princeton had at reviewed. We feel it's consistent Lyons police assumed the two thefts, Feinstein on behalf of' the stu­ least one in 2006, the most with our mission as a Catholic continued from page 1 which took place between 11 dent asking her do her best to recent year for which figures institution," Meyer said. a.m. and 3 p.m. last expedite this process .... We are available. Although Meyer could not give suspect matched the descrip­ Wednesday, were related. want that student to be able to Kozak said there are local an exact number, he said that tion NDSP had, Johnson said. Johnson asked students to start here in the fall," he said. institutions that accept undocu­ there were less than a dozen "[The] suspect askledl for contact NDSP at 574-631- Saracino said tlwre has been mented students, like Saint undocumented students admit­ someone using the same ficti­ 5555 and to refrain from no discussion about changing Mary's. ted last year. tious name used at (Notre attempting to confront or the University's 1:urrent policy Dan Meyer, vice president of Dame I when confronted by detain the suspect. toward undocumented immi­ enrollment management at Contact Becky Hogan at students in the residence Contact Bill Brink at grant applicants. Saint Mary's, said the College [email protected] halls at Valparaiso," Johnson [email protected]

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INTERNATIONAL NEWS Mideast peace talks seem productive HUD Secretary resigns from duty AMMAN, Jordan - Secretary of State Condoleezza Hice said Monday that Mideast peace Jackson steps down from post amid speculation of political favoritism talks are "moving in the right direction," although U.S. ollicial'i conceded it would be a hard slog to Associated Press meet the goal of an Israeli-Palestinian deal in 2008. WASHINGTON - I-IUD Speaking after two days of talks in the region Secretary Alphonso Jackson, during which she wrung hard-fought but limited his tenure tarnished by alle­ concessions from Israel to ease the economic iso­ gations of political lation of Palestinians in the West Bank, Rice said favoritism and a criminal more needed to be done, and singled out a halt to investigation, announced his Israeli settlement as key. resignation Monday amid "I think it's all moving in the right direction," the wreckage of the national she said at a news conference in the Jordanian housing crisis. capital after meeting Palestinian President I Ie leaves behind a trail of Mahmoud Abbas. unanswered questions about whether he tilted the New digging project at Stonehenge Department of Housing and LONDON - Some of England's most sacred Urban Development toward soil was disturbed Monday for the first time in Republican contractors and more than four decades as archaeologists cronies. worked to solve the enduring riddle of The move comes at a Stonehenge: When and why was the prehis­ shaky time for the economy, toric monument built? with soaring mortgage fore­ The excavation project, set to last until April closures imperiling the 11, is designed to unearth materials that can nation's credit markets. be used to establish a firm date for when the In announcing that his last first mysterious set of bluestones was put in day at I-IUD will be April 18, place at Stonehenge, one of Britain's best Jackson said only, "There known and least understood landmarks. comes a time when one The World Heritage site, a favorite with visi­ must attend more diligently tors the world over, has become popular with to personal and family mat­ Druids. nco-Pagans and New Agers who attach ters." mystical significance to the strangely shaped Some Congressional eircle of stones. but then1 remains great debate Democrats had pushed for about the actual purpose of the structure. him to leave. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton said that while NATIONAL NEWS Jackson's resignation is "appropriate, it does noth­ Family seeks to appeal MySpace suit ing to address the Bush NEW ORLEANS - The family of a teenage girl administration's wait-and­ who says she was sexually assaulted by a 19- don't-see posture to our Housing and Urban Development Secretary Alphonso Jackson speaks at a meet­ year-old man she met on MySpace.com asked a nation's housing crisis." ing in Washington, D.C. in Sept., 2007. Jackson resigned Monday. federal appeals court Monday to revive their House Speaker Nancy lawsuit against the social networking Web site. Pelosi, D-Calif., said I-IUD years, first as the agency's and Guppies" - well-edu­ strongly disagree with that A federal judge in Austin, Texas, dismissed the will be called on to work No. 2 official and since 2004 cated, young, black and gay sentiment." $30 million suit in February 2007, rejecting the with Congress on assisting in the top slot. upwardly mobile achievers On Monday on his way out family's claim that MySpace has a legal duty to refinancing for borrowers Despite a strong commit­ - with expensive cars who of the country for a trip built protect its young users from sexual predators. faced with imminent fore­ ment to housing for those in bought $400,000 homes around a NATO summit, U.S. District Judge Sam Sparks also ruled that closure. need, Jackson was capable with little or no money Bush said he wants interactive computer services like MySpace are The ethical allegations of ill-advised public com­ down. Congress to modernize immune from such lawsuits under the against Jackson "meant that ments. In announcing his depar­ HUD's Federal Housing Communications Decency Act of 1996. the Bush administration's Last year, after the sub­ ture, Jackson said that in his Administration, allowing ineffective housing policies prime mortgage crisis time at I-IUD, "We have more struggling homeown­ Ohio soldier's body finally recovered were being burdened by an erupted, many policymakers helped families keep their ers to refinance their mort­ BATAVIA, Ohio - The parents of Staff Sgt. even more ineffective I-IUD underlined the dispropor­ homes. We have trans­ gages. Keith Matthew Maupin had vowed never to let Secretary," Sen. Patty tionate impact of the high­ formed public housing. We In October, the National the U.S. Army forget about finding their son. Murray, D-Wash., said after risk, high-cost mortgages on have reduced chronic home­ Journal first reported on the Their elTorts included trips to the Pentagon Jackson's announcement. minorities and the elderly, lessness. And we have pre­ criminal investigation of and even meeting with President Bush, but President Bush called who often are targets of served affordable housing Jackson. The FBI has been they ended in disappointment Sunday: An Jackson "a strong leader predatory lending practices and increased minority examining the ties between Army general told them the remains of and a good man." Ties that lure people into loans homeownership." Jackson and a friend who Maupin, a soldier who had been listed as miss­ between the two men go they are incapable of repay­ Bush has been cool to the was paid $392,000 by ing-captured in Iraq since 2004, had been back to the 1980s when they ing. idea of a big federal housing Jackson's department as a found. lived in the same Dallas Asked about the problems rescue. "The temptation of construction manager in "My heart sinks, but I know they can't hurt neighborhood. It was with subprime mortgages Washington is to say that New Orleans. Jackson's him anymore," Keith Maupin said after receiv­ Jackson's personal ties to last June, Jackson insisted anything short of a massive friend got the job after ing word about the remains of his son, who Bush that brought him to that many such borrowers government intervention in Jackson asked a staff mem­ went by Matt. Washington, where he dis­ were not unsophisticated, the housing market ber to pass along his name On Monday, Defense Secretary Robert Gates played a forceful personal low-income people but what amounts to inaction," the to the Housing Authority of expressed sympathy to Maupin's family. style at I-IUD for seven he called "Yuppies, Buppies president said recently. "I New Orleans.

LOCAL NEWS CUBA Indiana toll road increases rates HAMMOND, Ind. - Motorists who pay Resorts opened up to Cuban citizens cash to drive on the Indiana Toll Road will see their rates increase starting Tuesday. Associated Press foreigners were previously permitted salons and other previously off-limit The highway's private operator is author­ to buy. facilities. Cubans can even rent cars ized under its contract with the state to HAVANA - Raul Castro's govern­ But the latest surprise, allowing for the first time. increase tolls as it starts operating an elec­ ment opened luxury hotels and ordinary citizens into luxury hotels For now, few Cubans can afford a tronic toll transponder system on the full resorts to all Cubans Monday, ending and resort beaches long reserved for night at a hotel on a government length of the 157 -mile highway. a ban despised across the island as rich foreigners, is a particularly sym­ salary, but that could change if The toll for the full length of the toll road "tourist apartheid" and taking bolic victory for Cuba's everyman. Castro succeeds in increasing his cit­ will rise to $8 from the current $4.65 for another step toward the creation of a "I was born here and live here. I izens' spending power. car drivers paying cash. Drivers who use a consumer economy in the socialist believe, as a Cuban, I have the right Meanwhile, the government is cre­ transponder won't see a toll hike until 2016. state. to it all," said Elizabeth Quintana, a ating the kinds of consumer incen­ All drivers of vehicles with three axles or Cuba has made a series of crowd­ Havana resident. "It's good. Really tives any economy needs to thrive. more automatically will pay toll increases, pleasing announcements in the past good." For many years, Cubans haven't regardless of whether they use the electron­ few days. Cubans with enough cash While there was no official word been able to buy certain electronic ic tolling system known as 1-Zoom. will be able to buy computers, DVD from the government, hotel employ­ goods, lounge by the rooftop pool at "Tlw spirit of the toll freeze is for local players and plasma televisions start­ ees said Ministry of Tourism officials the Hotel Capri or enjoy a drink at users," said Matt Pierce, a spokesman for ing Tuesday, and soon they'll even be told them that as of Monday, Cubans sunset on the grounds of the historic the Indiana Toll Hoad Concession Co., the able to have their own cell phones - can stay in hotels and resorts across Hotel Nacional, no mattPr how much highway operator. consumer goods only companies and the island, and pay to use gyms, hair money they earned. page 6 The Observer + NEWS Tuesday, April, 1 2008

diagnosis for the seizures but We is she began receiving treat­ ment. The family learned Judge warns of alcohol dangers continued from page 1 Friday the treatments Hannah recevied were suc­ Maura and her husband have cessful and she should never Magistrate takes courtroom to high school to shaw drunk- driving consequences encountered raising their have a seizure again. autistic daughter, Hannah. Maura said the family has cially in the weeks leading she said. "But here, it's actu­ /\II proceeds of the book go to adapted to Hannah's wheat­ Associated Press up to the prom and gradua­ ally being brought to us. It the Weis' charity, Hannah & free diet and she has had a tion. does happen, there are con­ Friends, which helps children positive impact on those she BELEN, N.M. - Marlene Hawkes, whose program is sequences." with special needs. comes in contact with. Chavez stood before a unique in New Mexico, also Michael A. Martone, a Charlie called the book "a "Charlie Jr. has learned hushed courtroom, acknowl­ senteneed two people at the Michigan judge, started the heartfelt. sincere story of liv­ patience and tolerance and edging the consequences of school last year. lie brings first court-in-schools pro­ ing the lifo of a parent with a to love someone uncondition­ her second drunken-driving with him a plywood court gram in 1993, sentencing special needs child" during ally (through llannah)." offense. Among the specta­ bench emblazoned with a offenders who pleaded guilty his introduction. Maura said. tors were hundreds of New Mexico Supreme Court to charges ranging from lin said any parent with a Maura said Hannah has teenagers who hung on her seal. The makeshift court­ drunken-driving to assault child that has special needs also impacted Charlie's life. every word. room also includes U.S. and and battery. lie has held could have written the book "Coach loves her. she is his "I lost a lot of things," said New Mexico flags. hearings at high schools and but his wife was a good can­ little angel," Maura said. "My Chavez, 43. "I left my vehicle Ed Chavez. chief justice of middle schools in Troy and didate because she has truly husband is a wonderful in the impound so that I the high court and no rela­ Clawson, Mieh. experionced what it is like. human being. He does not don't do drinking and driving tion to Marlene Chavez, said In 2000, Martone's pro­ After the introduction, play golf or go out with his after that. And I lost my he would like to see the pro­ gram became the model for WNJ>U's friends; being house. 1 lost my kids to their gram go statewide. the outreach program at thn Maureen with his family father so that they can go When the hearing began, National Judicial College in McFadden is his hobby." stay with him because I had 18-year-old Angel Mendez Heno. Nev. Hawkes said he interviewed Maura admit­ nowhere to go." didn't realize the seriousness learned of the program while Maura on both ted having a Chavez had already plead­ of the proceedings. But after attending the judicial eol­ the book and "{llannahl used to daughter with ed guilty. Now a judge gave watching Marlene Chavez lege. her back­ want to be around special needs her four days in jail and a and four other repeat offend­ Other touches he came up ground as a people but suddenly has been a $500 fine. But her sentence ers get sentenced, he with himself, including his parent of a struggle. came with an additional changed his view. mobile courtroom, which is special needs she just wanted to be "No one indignity: It happened in a "I thought it was pretty hauled around in a trailer child. by herself" looked at us high school auditorium, shocking just to see them that he bought for $6,800. Maura said like; hey can I where 400 students stared as like that. I didn't think they On the side of the trailer is: she knew Maura Weis give you a she lifted one leg, then the would have them in shack­ "Judicial Outreach Team. something hand," she other, to let jailers shackle les," he said. Courts are the crossroads of author was wrong said. her feet. Guards also Elizabeth Sluder, 17, was prevention. It's NOT KOOL to with Hannah In spite of wrapped a chain around her initially skeptical, too, think­ SKIP School. Stay in school." around the this, Maura waist and handcuffed her. ing the hearing was overly Sluder was struck by the time she said the South When the hearing ended, staged. But she also ehanged emotional impact of the sen­ turned two. Bend communi- she was escorted out of her mind by the end. tencing and the statements "She used to want to be ty has been very supportive. Belen High School, about 30 "You see your friends, you from the defendants. around people but suddenly "OK, the weather's not miles south of Albuquerque, know, they're like, 'I'm going "I can't imagine how those she just wanted to be by her­ great," she said. "But I and locked up. to go out to this party.' But people felt standing up and self," Maura said. wouldn't want to live any­ Magistrate Daniel Hawkes you never see the conse­ having to talk to all of us Hannah was diagnosed with where else." brought his courtroom to the quences of them getting in kids, especially because we autism and at age 10, she school in hopes that the pro­ trouble or getting in an acci­ ean see them in the commu­ began t-o have seizures. Contact Sarah Mayer at ceedings will show students dent, or any kind of conse­ nity," she said. "It just makes Doctors were unable to find a smayerO 1 @saintmarys.edu the dangers of alcohol, espe- quence of driving drunk," it real."

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Tuesday, April I, 2008 USINESS page7 MARKET RECAP New economic strategy proposed Stocks Dow Federal Reserve overhaul will not ease current problems but help in the future Jones 12,262.89 +46.49 Associated Press Up: Same: Down: Composite Volume: 2,204 3,691,156,260 1,111 102 WASHINGTON - It's a AMEX Herculean task: revamping !7231.83 a financial regulatory sys­ NASDAQ "'?1??9~10 +17.92 tem dating back to the Civil NYSE . 8,797.29 War to deal with 21st cen­ S&P 500 +7.48 tury crises imperiling the NIKKEI (Tokyo) country. Under an ambitious Bush FTSE 100 (London) 5:702.10 +9.20 administration plan, the COMPANY %CHANGE $GAIN PRICE Federal Reserve would take on the unwieldy role SCHERING PLOUGH CP -25.99 -5.06 14.41 of uber cop in charge of S&P DEP RECIEIPTS (SPY) +0.35 +0.46 131.97 financial market stability. POWERSHARES (QQQQ) +0.53 +0.23 43.72 Other regulatory agencies could see their in!1uence CITIGROUP INC (C) +2.83 +0.59 21.42 diminished. The proposal won't fix Treasuries the host of economic and 10-YEAR NOTE -0.98 -0.034 3.432 financial problems that threatens to plunge the 13-WEEK BILL -5.56 -0.075 1.275 United States into a deep 30-YEAR BOND -0.90 -0.039 4.306 recession, but it might help 5-YEAR NOTE -2.68 -0.068 2.467 guard against future trou­ bles. It would take years Commodities and a lot of political wran­ gling - in Congress, on LIGHT CRUDE ($/bbl.) -4.04 101.58 Wall Street, in statehouses GOLD ($/Troy oz.) -15.00 921.50 and elsewhere - to imple­ PORK BELLIES (cents/lb.) -3.00 76.40 ment all the changes envi­ sioned. Yet, the initiative, formal­ Exchange Rates ly announced Monday, YEN 99.8550 casts a fresh spotlight on the best way to protect the EURO 0.6340 country from financial CANADIAN DOLLAR 1.0217 catastrophes in an intricate BRITISH POUND 0.5038 web of complex, often­ changing financial prod­ Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson announces the biggest overhaul of financial regula­ ucts and the wide array of tions since the Great Depression during a speech at the Treasury Department Monday. financial players using them in the United States for millions of distressed up today when really this consolidation of the vari­ IN BRIEF and beyond. That debate homeowners clobbered by had nothing to do with the ous supervisory bureau­ probably will take center the housing collapse and current problems we're cracies is very important Lehamn Brothers filing suit for fraud stage in the next presi­ credit crunch. Foreclosures facing?" recognition that we are in TOKYO - Lehman Brothers filed suit Monday dent's administration. have hit record highs. Democratic presidential a global economy, and against major Japanese trading company Asked if President Bush's "We must take steps now contender Hillary Rodham transparency and closer Marubeni, demanding $350 million in damages goal was to get the revamp to provide help to families Clinton was even more oversight is necessary," he in a case of alleged fraud. approved before he leaves who are hurting," said emphatic: "No amount of said. Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc. is seeking to office, press secretary House Speaker Nancy rearranging the deck The plan would greatly recoup funding it provided to another Japanese Dana Perino acknowledged Pelosi, D-Calif. chairs can hide the fact expand the role of the Fed, company that the U.S. bank says employees of the enormity of the plan. Senate Banking that our housing and credit created in 1913 after a Marubeni Corp. helped secure. "We'll have to see. It is a Committee Chairman Chris markets are in crisis and series of bank panics, to The Tokyo District Court confirmed the lawsuit big attempt," she said. ·Dodd, D-Conn., called the they are sinking deeper oversee the stability of the was filed. A Lehman Brothers official, who spoke Democrats in Congress administration's proposal a every day." entire financial system on condition of anonymity citing policy, said the said the administration "wild pitch." Sen. John McCain, who including commercial lawsuit demands $350 million. Other details should be focusing its "It's not even close to the has wrapped up the banks, investment banks, were not immediately available. efTorts on easing the coun­ strike zone," Dodd said. Republican nomination, insurance companies, Marubeni, which has repeatedly denied wrong­ try's current woes, includ­ "This is a very legitimate welcomed Paulson's rec­ hedge funds, private-equity doing, said it has not yet seen the lawsuit and ing providing more relief issue, but why bring this ommendations. "I think firms and others. could not comment. But it reiterated it has no obligation to repay the money, which was provid­ ed to a unit of ITT Bio-Pharma, a medical con­ sulting_ company. The unit has since declared bankruptcy. Vytorin's makers see drop in shares Smaller com crop means higher prices NEW YORK- Shares of Merck & Co. and Schering-Plough Corp. fell to record lows syrup is used in soft drinks and many Richard Lobb of the National Monday, as analysts warned new clinical data Associated Press other foods, including lunch meats Chicken Council said recent increas­ would cause sales of their blockbuster choles­ WASHINGTON - From chicken and salad dressings. Corn is often an es in the cost of corn feed have been terol drug Vytorin to fall further. nuggets to corn flakes, food prices at ingredient in breads, peanut butter, absorbed by larger chicken compa­ The companies market Vytorin through a joint grocery stores and dinner tables oatmeal and potato chips. nies, such as Pilgrim's Pride Corp. or venture, but earlier this year, partial results from could be headed even higher as Corn components are even used in Tyson Foods Inc., that provide feed to a clinical study showed that it was no more farmers cut back on the land they're many grocery store items that aren't poultry farmers. But that could effective at limiting plaque buildup than Merck's planting in corn this spring. edible - including disposable dia­ change. Zocor, a drug that is already available in generic Corn prices already are high, and a pers and dry cell batteries. "At a certain point we have to form. Full results of that study weJ,"e released drop in supply should keep them ris­ When the corn that goes into those readjust and get back to square one," Sunday. ing. Combine that with the huge products goes up in price, increases Lobb said. "The only people who Vytorin is a combination of Zocor and demand for corn-based ethanol fuel eventually can be passed along to have money ultimately are con­ Schering-Plough's drug Zetia. - and higher energy costs for trans­ consumers. sumers." Schering-Plough shares plunged as low as $14, porting food - and consumers are And corn prices have skyrocketed Tucker-Forman of the Consumer touching their lowest levels since August 1996. likely to see their food bills going up in recent years, almost tripling since Federation of America and Scott Merck shares fell as low as $36.82, their lowest and up. 2005. They have been pushed along Faber of the Grocery Manufacturers since June 2006. Farmers are now expected to plant by the burgeoning ethanol industry, Association both say rising food Leading physicians are now recommending 86 million acres of corn this year, the which turns the crop into fuel, and prices could be stemmed if Congress the use of older drugs called statins before put­ Department of Agriculture predicted by rising worldwide demand for food. would pull back subsidies for the ting patients on Vytorin. Many physicians had Monday, down 8 percent from last "People who are working families, ethanol industry. prescribed Vytorin in lieu of higher doses of year, which was the highest since just barely making it and already The number of ethanol plants has statins because of what some said was an undue World War II. paying higher prices for gas and almost tripled since 1999 and more fear of side effects. Corn is almost everywhere you look home heating oil are going to be shot are being built, according to the "There was an irrationality to begin with," said in the U.S. food supply. Poultry, beef in the pocket by higher food prices," Renewable Fuels Association. Such Dr. John LaRosa, president of State University of and pork companies use it to feed said Carol Tucker-Foreman of the plants could gobble up more than a New York Downstate Medical Center. their animals. High fructose corn Consumer Federation of America. quarter of the country's corn crop. ------~~------

THE OBSERVER

page 8 IEWPOINT Tuesday, April 1, 2008

THE OBSERVER LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

P.O. Box 779, Nou< Dame, IN 46556 024 South Dining Hall. Noue Dame, IN 46556 Back to the issues EDITOR IN CHIEF Chris Hinc This is no response to any specific Party that is fair and worthy to produce as a senator to affirm those belief's. Sure, Viewpoint article, but rather to the over­ a candidate to the general election. it is easy to go on his Web site and read MANAGING EDITOR BUSINESS MANAGER flow of press coverage regarding Barack Obama recently answered questions about it, but I want to listen to him artic­ Jay Fitzpatrick Kyle West Obama's relationship with his church regarding his relationship with Wright, ulate it more. I want the media to foster AssT. MANAGING EDITOR: Katie Kohler pastor, Hev. Jeremiah Wright. It and even went on to comment on racial debate about the issues. I want to know AssT. MANAGING EDITOR: Deirdre Krasula occurmd to me that the media has divisions that still exist today. how Obama will manage to stabilize the seemed to place an unfair weight on the I have to admit I was extremely Middle East with his steady withdrawal Ntws EDITOR: Bill Brink relationship Obama has shared with impressed with the articulate Obama of American troops. I want more VIEWPOINT EDITOR: Kara King Wright over the ye<:W"s. For anyone and can fully understand why he is such specifics on government-sponsored SI•OIUS EDITOR: C:hris Hine unaware of the issue, Wright is the pas­ an attractive candidate to a lot of people. healthcarc. Exactly how will it work? SCENE EDITOR: 'Jae Andrews tor of Trinity Church and recently But even with his answers, the media What are the consequences? SAINT MARY'S EDITOR: Liz Harrer became famous for his controversial did not let it go. They still ask the pierc­ These arc only a few of the many PHOTO EDITOR: Jessica Lee remarks regarding race in America. ing questions concerning his character, issues on which the media could focus, I almost as if to make up for previous lack but instead their attention is elsewhere. GRAPHICS EDITOR: Mary Jesse While do not need to go into the specifics of his comments, they are seen of scrutiny. Do I think scrutinizing character is ADVERTISING MANAGER: Jessica Cortez as quite heated and contentious. All I ask is that we do not forget the unimportant? No. But I do believe the AD DESIGN MANAGER: Kelly Gronli The media since then has been highly issues. While it is easy to say that this media has to do a better job balancing CONTROLLER: Tim Sobolewski critical of Obama's relationship with his upcoming election is a momentous one that with debate among the issues. SYSTEMS ADMINISTRATOR: Christian Sagardia pastor, and rightly so. If we are to elect for the history of our country (every I do not support Obama, and I disagree an individual to the highest public office presidential election cycle says that), it with what I do know of his stance on OFFICE MANAGER & GENERAL INFO in this country, are we not allowed to does have importance. We are currently issues. Alii ask is give him an opportuni­ (574) 631-7471 scrutinize their character? After all, a lot in a war that has passed its fifth ty to make a case for what he believes FAX may to be said by the people with whom anniversary. We have major issues with in. Debate amongst the issues will better (574) 631-6927 we associate. However, the media has the continuation of social security. The serve this country in the long run. ADVERTISING (574) 631-6900 [email protected] taken it too far. economy appears to be in a slump. We EDITOR IN CHIEF Before I go on, I should state that I am have serious thinking to do in the com­ Patrick McDonnell (574) 631-4542 not a Barack Obama supporter, nor am I ing years. freshman MANAGING EDITOR a Clinton supporter. I simply want to see I want to know both where Obama Fisher Hall (574) 631-4541 [email protected] a fruitful debate among the Democratic stands and what he has done in the past Mar. 19 ASSISTANT MANAGING EDITOR (574) 631-4324 BUSINESS OFFICE (574) 631-5313 NEWS DESK (574) 631-5323 [email protected] VIEWPOINT DESK 'Monologues' Support academic (574) 631-5303 [email protected] SPORTS DESK (574) 631-4543 sports.! @nd.edu SCENE DESK refusal freedom (574) 631-4540 [email protected] SAINT MARY'S DESK I am a woman. I refuse to be objectified. I refuse to be While I personally wish the would realize. At Notre Dame, smc.1 @nd.edu PHOTO DESK mocked. I refuse to be trivialized. I refuse to be debased. I Vagina Monologues were not unlike most if not all other (574) 631-8767 [email protected] refuse to be used. I refuse to be stereotyped. I refuse to be performed at Notre Dame (or campuses, there are real SYSTEMS & WEB ADMINISTRATORS violated. I refuse to be valued only for one part of my body, anywhere for that matter). I choices. Such choices, it (574) 631-8839 and for how I utilize that part of the whole that is myself fully support Fr. Jenkins' deci­ seems to me, are only to be - a woman. I especially refuse to do so under the guise of sion to allow the performanc­ expected in an environment THE "empowerment." I refuse to support "The Vagina es this year, consistent with where both Catholic charac­ OBSERVER ONLINE Monologues." the guidelines on academic ter and true academic free­ www.ndsmcDbserver.com freedom he articulated two dom are vibrant. In addition POLICIES Morgan Cullen years ago. to the performance of "The The Observer is the independent, daily newspaper Kimberly Stoddard I have been criticized by fel­ Vagina Monologues," students published in prim and online by the students of the Agata Michalska low alumni in my local region at Notre Dame last weekend University of Notre Dame du Lac and Saint Mary's Ann Weber for that support. One member hosted the Edith Stein College. Editorial contem, including advertisemems, is Joanna Emilian of our alumni club removed Conference lor the third con­ not goVl'rncd by policies of the administration of either Elliott Marie Argue me from her e-mail list, stat­ secutive year. Notre Dame institution. Th,· Observer reserves the right to refuse Laura Lindsley ing that Satan is clearly at students have also developed advertisements based on contenr. work here because our a Notre Dame-specific alter­ The news is reported as accurately and objectively as Natalie Rauch possible. Unsigned editorials rcprcsem the opinion of Mary Forr friendship has been am~cted. I native play. There are just so the majority of the Editor in Chid; Managing Editor, Rachel Miller don't understand this. We many examples of God's work A,sistanr Managing Editors and department editors. Esther Sims have a different understand­ on campus and among the Commentaries, letters and columns present the views MaryKDaly ing of academic freedom; that alumni. Once again let it be of the authors and not necessarily those ofThc Kelly Levis in no way affects how I feel said, "Only At Notre Dame." ()bscrver_ Jacqueline Libaudais about her as a friend and fel­ Viewpoint space is available to all readers. The !Tee Mary Liz Walter lowalum. Jack Fremeau ,·xpression of all opinions through letters is encouraged. students One thing keeps coming to alumnus I .c·tters to the Editor must be sign~d and must include I Class of 1971 contact inlormation. Notre Dame mind that wish she and Mar. 28 Bishop D'Arcy and others Mar. 28 Qtmtiow "1/:arding Ohsm;rr po/ici(s shott!d b( dim·ted to Editor in G..hiifC'hris Hin~

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TODAY'S STAFF OBSERVER POLL QUOTE OF THE DAY News Sports Liz Harter Fran Tolan What are you most excited about Becky Hogan Laura Myers for football season? Nikki Taylor Genie Alfonzo Graphics Scene Jon Tenuta's arrival "Fool me once, shame on ... shame on Andrea Archer Jess Shaffer Mike Haywood taking over play-calling you. Fool me... you can't get fooled Viewpoint duties again." Maria Stohler Jimmy Clausen's new haircut President George W. Bush Vote by Thursday at 5 p.m. at www.ndsmcobserver.com ------

THE OBSERVER

Tuesday, April 1, 2008 IEWPOINT page 9

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Patriotic protest Impressionable youth As a senior leader in Army ROTC a government decision, and the best "The Vagina Monologues" have tion propaganda." "The Vagina who faces the likely prospect of being way to support the troops in that case stirred up a lot of passion in many Monologues" offered students an sent to Iraq in the next year or two, I is to discourage the government from students at Notre Dame. This led stu­ opportunity to discuss complex issues found the discussion about last week's sending troops into harm's way (in a dents to a debate with each other and of female sexuality, and each panelist protest interesting. I would like to thoughtful manner, of course). panelists, and as a result, I witnessed gave an alternative to the sexual rev­ offer my two cents and thank those A soldier's mission is to support and one of the most compelling and olution. who started and continued what I defend the people of the United States insightful conversations I have ever Is there a better place to be found to be a thoughtful and well­ and its Constitution; to support a sol­ seen. exposed to the sexual revolution than timed protest. dier is to support this mission, not This exploration of sexuality Notre Dame? I doubt that, had the What are you supporting by sup­ necessarily a particular war. strengthened my own ideas on the play been held elsewhere, anyone porting the war? The Army does not Patriotism does not mean blindly fol­ subject, which I would classify as would have cared to conduct such a declare war, Congress does. A soldier lowing the dictates of the present conservative. Not changed, strength­ respectable conversation as the takes no part in deciding whether or administration; it means encouraging ened. Bishop D'Arcy has noted that debate on Friday night. not to go to war; a soldier goes to war the course of action which is best for college students are impressionable, You cannot hide reality from us. It when he or she is told to by the gov­ our nation and the whole world. and such a play could be dangerous will hit us eventually. I thank Fr. ernment. The recent protest, by provoking to our Catholic understanding of sex­ Jenkins and the organizers of "The Since we are fortunate enough to be thought and discussion about that uality. Vagina Monologues" for offering a governed by a democracy, "the peo­ best course of action, was an act of There are many aspects of the . dose of the reality of sexuality in the ple" are essentially the ones who patriotism. world we live in that could be danger­ world today, and providing me with a decide to go to war, and our support ous for a young Catholic to see. For remarkable and beautiful response of the war means supporting the Phillip Hicks example, The Keenan Revue protrays that I probably would not have cause and the deployment of troops to senior college boys who are open about their recieved anywhere else but Notre realize that cause. If you do not sup­ Dillon Hall sex lives, scenes of masturbation, and Dame. port the war, you are simply opposing Mar. 28 scenes demeaning to women. Yet tick­ ets to the Keenan Revue sell out with­ Flannery Kearney in half an hour of availability. sophomore Clearly, Notre Dame students are Pangborn Hall Disability awareness regularly exposed to "sexual revolu- Mar. 29 not just for March Revive the concert Bored on a cold day, watching UCLA the article to find out why this epic Disabilities are something that I'm sure and I am very proud of the work we have blow Xavier out of the water, I was lis­ endeavor was never carried out. I many people on our campus do not think done. We have had panels, simulations, tening to music on my computer to found it: University spokesman Matt much about. I think about them every and socials, and have worked with other make the game go by faster. I was lis­ Storin said the proposal was not day. groups such as Best Buddies and the tening to Bruce Springsteen when I approved by the administration. I have a learning disability, and at the Logan Center. It has been a very reward­ wondered, when was the last time "Several university officers considered very beginning of my freshmen year, I felt ing journey. Bruce played at Notre Dame? this proposal and decided that we did like I was the only one on campus who I write because March is Disability Let's just go this far, most readers of not have the resources or personnel to did. That all changed when I was invited Awareness month. There have been the Observer weren't born yet. So I pull off an endeavor of this size within to get together with other students with many great events, but the promotion of decided to look into the online the necessary time frame," Storin disabilities to create a group. We started disability awareness does not have to archives of The Observer to find a said. meeting every week and eventually end. There is so much that you can do. mention of the Boss, and one com­ At this I became very upset. I mean, called ourselves Perspectives. This came You can be more understanding of people pletely blew me away. a university that has enough security, about because we feel that being a per­ with disabilities all year and educate Just over four years ago, on Feb. 9, personnel, parking, and other son with a disability at Notre Dame gives yourself. 2004, there was an article labeled: resources to maintain order on the six you a different perspective, but also I invite anyone who is interested in any "University rejects concert." I first to seven home game weekends each because we want people with normal of this to join Perspectives. It has been thought, "they canceled a potential year can't provide enough for a one­ abilities to try and understand that. one of the best parts of my four years Bruce concert!" I then reasoned with time concert that would cater to far Our goal is to offer support to each here at Notre Dame. myself that there probably wasn't fewer patrons? Notre Dame had a other and promote awareness and edu­ enough money. I continued to search chance to host one of the greatest con­ cation about disabilities. Having a dis­ Molly Rivard on, but upon returning to "University certs of the decade and the adminis­ ability is not a necessary component to senior rejects concert," I discovered a horri­ tration balks. membership, just an interest in our goal. Welsh Family Hall ble incident. I also wonder what happened to SUB We worked hard to gain group status, Mar. 30 According to the article, Norte Dame continuing to fight for this endeavor. SUB has planned potentially the great­ At the end of the article there is a est concert in Notre Dame history­ mention of how this idea will come to even greater than the 2001 U2 con­ be, but there have been no echoes of it cert. U2 and Bruce Springsteen in the coming to fruition, not a mention in PERSPECTIVES: APRIL 1, 1991 Stadium. the rest of the Observer archives. Upon reading this, I choked on my In the end, I can only stare back at Arizona Iced Tea and did a double the University's missed chance to host take. I was shocked that SUB could two musical talents that have com­ pull something like this together, but bined to sell more than 200 million once again I thought, "It must be a albums. The chance of a lifetime pipe dream and there is not enough spurned. funding." As I read on, I discovered I hope that SUB has great events in that SUB had raised $250,000 over the motion for the 2008-09 season, but I estimated $1.25 million required for also hope this can get gears turning this show. Not only was money not a again because settling for one hit won­ problem, but the reason for the con­ ders and alternative rock shouldn't be cert was not just the pleasure of Notre the highlights of a year Dame, St. Mary's, and Holy Cross stu­ dents, but for a greater good: all pro­ TtmStaub ceeds from the concert were going to sophomore fund the AIDS effort in Africa. Dillon Hall After skimming it, I read deeper into Mar. 30

The mural on the Hesburgh · Ubary. which 'lilf~s t6rrrierty of Jesus, now sports a new upolitically correct" figure. This Perspective was originally printed in the April 1, 1991, issue of The Observer. THE OBSERVER page 10 CENE Tuesday, April 1, 2008

exp \o~1 on.s 1n -the skj RICH at1d REAL

Since coming unto the scene in 1999, Explosions in the Sky has mad some of' the most intense, emotionally rich music in tlw genn~ of post-rock. Put simply, post-rock is the use of' rock instruments like guitars, drums, and bass to creato musical styles that are not common to rock music. Most post-rock bands, including Explosions in the Sky, arn purely instrumental. The band creates beautifully layered textures and narra­ tivn guitar linus with their instruments, and uses this talent to grab the listener. In 2000, they released their first album, "!low Strange, lnnoconee". It was first released on just 300 CD-Rs, but they rn-reloasnd it in 2005, and fans were able to soc how they got thnir start. In tho dobut album album, their sound is more stripped down. but their car for arrangemonts is apparent. Songs like "Snow and Lights" and "Glittering Blackness" show basie tcxturns that are tho beginnings of more thir:kly layered songs on their later albums. Thn album "Tho Earth Is Not a Cold Dead Place" from 2003 presents a hopeful view of life. While the title says the Earth is not awful. one had to think it was initially to need that kind of' assurance. In "Tho Earth Is Not a Cold Dead Place," the band fully Photo courtsey of ww•l.au>;un~•ou.coJm.l realizes everything they are trying to achieve. Intricate gui­ Explosions in the Sky releasd their debut album in 2000, and just tar lines, precise drum work and explosive crescendos lend premiered their new album, "All of the Sudden I Miss Everyone." to an ~~motional palette only Explosions in the Sky can cre­ ate. The songs "Mmnorial" and "Your Hand in Mine" are Everyone." For the 11rst time, the album did not show any perfect representations or what the band does best. measurable development in the band's sound, besides a Finally, in 2007, they released "All of a Sudden I Miss small introduction of piano into their music. But this latest work still provides some solid songs. The band also released an EP entitled "The Rescue" in 2005, in which they wrote and recorded a song a day for Explosions in the Sky eight consecutive days. In many ways, this is their most accessible due to the relatively short lengths of the songs. Reccommendecl Tracks: Memorial, Your The band also did the entire soundtrack to the film "Friday Hand in Mine, Yasmin the Ught, Day Two Night Lights." The music of Explosions in the Sky is some of the most explosive (no pun intended), rich, emotional, cathartic and beautiful music you will ever hear. The fact that they are. able to draw so much out of basic rock instruments is· incredible. The music of Explosions in the Sky is almost too epic, if only it didn't fit so well within our lives.

Contact Mychal Stanley at [email protected]

ANDREA ARCHER I Observer Graphic ~' ------

THE OBSERVER

Tuesday, April 1, 2008 CENE page 11

cacophonic ride of li an there. Drums, bass, guitar and piano managed to cre­ ate a sound full enough to elevate the crowd to eupho­ ria. Stepan Center is not exactly the ideal spot for a con­ The crowd stood on its feet the whole time as differ­ cert. Not only is it acoustically stifling, but also remi­ ent people sang along with different snippets of songs. niscent of chemistry related events, including dreaded Though few people know the album by heart, man Organic Chemistry exams. Additionally, it takes a bit of people have heard their songs and were able to get into a hike from civilization to reach the complex. it along with McMahon. Nonetheless, on Friday night the lights came up on The artist spent the evening banging on the piano. He Stepan Center when Jack's Mannequin took the stage. felt the music to the point that he appeared almost par­ Jack's Mannequin's Andy McMahon was a member of alyzed at moments. McMahon never sat, but hunched Something Corporate before writing his own songs over the keys and sang into the mic with his head while the band was taking a break. His songs from the turned toward the audience. It was almost existential hiatus became the first and only album of the newly to watch him completely living within the sound of his formed Jack's Mannequin, "Everything in Transit." The own music. album has slowly gained a wide following, and a new Most of the songs from "Everything in Transit" were one is expected soon. performed. Near the end of the evening, McMahon s The real story behind Jack's Mannequin is unusual calmly at his keys and played a more introspective for a band riding the punk-pop wave. After the album off the album yet to be released. was recorded in 2005, the band was ready to go on The band played for an hour and 20 minutes, includ­ tour to promote it. Just before the tour, McMahon was ing one encore. When they left the stage the second diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia. His little time they ignored the cr·owd 's cry for another song, sister was the marrow donor, and he made a full recov­ leaving the audience to mistakenly cheer the roadies ery. They are now touring and will eventually end up the lights came up. The evening was generally deemed on the Warp Tour circuit. a suc;cess by everyone. The energy that had bee The set was typical, except for the large black grand buzzing for an hour and a half was carried out into piano center stage. No opening band in sight, Andy night as students walked home under the stars. McMahon and his crew bounded onto the set at around 9:15. Bursting into the opening chords of "Dark Blue," Contact Stephanie DePrez at [email protected]

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ANDREA ARCHER I Observer Graphic ------~ ------

page 12 The Observer + CLASSIFIEDS Tuesday, April 1, 2008

CLUB SPORTS Men's water polo hosts alumni tournament Women's water polo wins Miami Invitation; Rugby beats Loyola 66-0; Rowers begin season at Lubbers Cup

sistent season thus far, the took control and didn't relent, numerous break away the Notre Dame Alumni Special to the Observer Irish looked to gain some sta­ beating Notre Dame in consec­ attempts from rookie Kirk team. In addition, a Notre Women's water polo bility and momentum going utive sets and sending the Irish Post, the pace of the race was Dame B squad competed. The nation's top-ranked club into nationals. home with a third-place finish. fast. But the rest of the pack The team was comprised proved worthy of its status as In the opening day, the Irish worked against Post and kept mostly of the club's large Notre Dame captured the pres­ were placed in a six-team Rugby him on a short leash. The Irish freshmen class. tigious Miami Invitational in pool. Notre Dame played Notre Dame swept Loyola benefited, though, with Nate In Notre Dame's first Oxford. Ohio this weekend. On tough all day, but was unable College in a pair of dominating Farley netting fifth place and game, against Monmouth on Friday, the Irish opened play to pull out any victories. The victories on Saturday in Josh Johnson finishing eighth. Saturday morning, the club against the Pennsylvania, the Irish dropped dose contests to Skokie, Ill. The A-side opened Post came in just behind in came out strong to take a No. 8 team in the country. The Minnesota, Indiana and play with a convincing 66-0 12th place. quick 4-0 lead in the first game was back-and-forth, Cincinnati, while defeating win marked by Chris Laura Simons and Caitlin quarter before winning 15- with the Irish coming back Bowing Green. The Irish went Harrington's three tries. Sullivan competed in the 3. from a two-goal deficit in the 1-3 on the day, losing five sets Patrick Toole and Bob women's B race and finished In their second game, the fourth quarter to tie it at 9-9. by a combined 11 points to put Huguelet each added a pair of 18th and 22nd. Veterans Jenn Irish faced a much tougher After Bridget O'Neil fouled out them in a deep hole for the tries, while Ben Frost, Andy Perricone and Meghan opponent in Mercyhurst, a early in the fourth quarter second day. The Irish entered Mullen and Chris Brown Johnson new the argyle in the division II varsity team with with five goals, Kelly Horner the single elimination bracket scored one apiece. Don women's A 45-mile race. The several All-American play­ took over in ovnrtime, scoring portion of the tournament with Greiwe was 8-of-10 on two­ soft and difficult dirt section ers. The Irish fell 12-6. a hat trick in the extra periods the No. 17 -seed and plenty of point conversions. The Irish took its toll on the field. Notre Dame came out fired to lead the Irish to a 12-10 vic­ difficult matches ahead of preserved their 28-0 halftime Perricone came in 1Oth behind up and managed to hit the tory. Ali Durkin, Kristen them. lead with a three-minute goal an old and experienced field back of the net five times in llarchut and Cristina Homano Notre Dame's first opponent line stand to close the half. with Johnson taking 13th. the first half as Fordonski nach contributed a goal, while Sunday morning was Grand Dan Blakely also scored The men's A race consisted and Dunn each scored twice goalie Betsy O'Neill made 12 Valley State. The Irish came three tries for the Irish in the of 35 riders, including Tim and senior Zhan-Wei Khaw saves. out flat in the first game, giv­ B-side's 55-0 whitewashing of Campbell and Mike Lavery. netted one to forge a 5-5 tie On Saturday, the Irish ing up several short runs that Loyola. The 55-mile race started off at the half. defeated Wisconsin 14-4. turned into a large deficit and pretty tame, but the attacks But the Irish were unable O'Neill and Homano led the a convincing 25-18 win for Men's rowing started the third lap of the to keep up the pace in the squad with four goals apiece, Grand Valley State. Aggressive Notre Dame opened its race. Campbell finished slight­ second half and began to and Horner added another serving by freshman Jason spring season with a trip to ly behind the dwindled main seriously tire in the third three. Durkin, Emily Harig Healy kept the Irish in the sec­ Grand Rapids, Mich., where field in 13th place. quarter. Mercyhurst quickly and Beth Nagel also each ond game, which was close the team raced in the Lubber's The D men, who started pulled ahead by five goals splashed one home for the until the end. A strong defen­ Cup Regatta. The Irish raced right after the A men, had a and the Irish were only able Irish. Goalies O'Neill and sive push tipped the score in in fours and eights in a fast short 20-mile race. The entire to respond with one by Maggie Hyde split the cage, the favor of Notre Dame as current and unusually warm field was on the attack, but it Connors. The game slowed making a combined nine saves. they closed out a squeaker, 25- regatta conditions. Notre was Irish riders John in the fourth quarter as The Irish then defeated No. 6 22. The momentum carried Dame faced some of the best McDunough and Adam Bee Mercyhurst scored two more Michigan 5-3 Saturday night. into the third set as the Irish crews in the northern Indiana that joined another rider the unanswered goals for the In the championship game dominated, 15-8. and Michigan area, along with make the 3-man break of the easy victory. on Sunday, the Irish finally met The next match pitted the the University of Rochester day. McDunough drilled the The last game of the day No. 3 Cal Poly in a long-antici­ Irish against conference rival from New York. pace hard and consequently for the Irish A team was pated game that lived up to its Marquette, a team that defeat­ The Irish novice boats were dropped back from the group against the ND Alumni team. expectations. In the end, the ed Notre Dame twice during the highlight of the Notre to rejoin the pack, finishing The two squads kept the Irish came from behind to win the season. But the Irish Dame performance as they 13th. Bee went on to win the score neck-and-neck for the 4-3. O'Neill hit a lob shot in played their most inspired vol­ took home a total of 16 medals sprint for first place, giving the entire game before the Irish the second quarter to tie the leyball of the day as they burst and one trophy. In the eights, Irish their first win of the sea­ pulled out an 11-10 victory. score 1-1 at the half. Poly out of the gates. Outside hit­ the novice first boat had a son. John Dailey and Mike The final game of the opened the second half with ting by Mark Iandolo carried dominating performance. The O'Connor also finished with weekend against Purdue was two goals, taking a 3-1 lead at the Irish to the end as they crew won the race with open the pack and did not place. also a nail-biter, with the the end of the third quarter. took the first set easily. But the water on the next boat and Sunday's races started with a Irish squeaking out a 10-9 But Notre Dame picked it up in Golden Eagles did not go down brought the large, golden cup twilight D men's criterium on win. Connors lit up the goal the fourth quarter, scoring easily as they responded with trophy back to Notre Dame. the University of Michigan in the first quarter, scoring three unanswered goals. a strong 17-25 win that sent The second novice boat took campus. The D men had a three right off the bat before Homano hit a cross-cage shot the match into a third game. second in its race. In the fours, short but furious 20 minute Dunn added one to make it on a man-up opportunity then Middle blocker Mike Nejedly the Irish novice continued to race. All four Irish riders 4-1 the end of the quarter. Harig nailed one from outside. fueled Notre Dame's early show powerful performances, drilled the pace on the course Purdue bounced back in the Finally, Kennifer muscled the push with phenomenal attack­ winning both the novice A race and caused mass suffering in third quarter to tie it up, winning goal by the keeper ing, giving the Irish an early and the novice B race. The the peleton. McDunough pulled and the two teams battled it from set, as the Irish won by a lead they never relinquished third novice four took fourth in front in as he went for the out in the fourth with final score of 4-3. O'Neill came on their way to the match vic­ place in the B race as well. victory, but his push was Connors, Dunn, and up huge in the win, keeping tory, 15-11 in the third game. reeled back in. This set up Bee Fordonski scoring one goal -.. the goal clear for two quarters In the quarterfinals, Notre Cycling once again as Bee won the each. Purdue answered with while recording five saves. Dame defeated Dayton 25-17, The Irish resumed competi­ group sprint. Dailey took an additional three goals to 26-24. tion at Michigan State and fourth place and O'Connor knot the score at 7-7. The Men's volleyball For the right to play in the Michigan with racers in every came in slightly out of the game ended in a shootout as In their final tune-up before championship, Notre Dame category but men's B. The placing. goalie Jon Kelly performed nationals, the Irish traveled to faced No. 4 Lakeland College. road race consisted of a 4. 7- spectacularly for the Irish, Columbus, Ohio, to play in the Despite forceful hitting by out­ mile loop with a 1.25-mile sec­ Men's water polo blocking three Purdue shots. annual MIVA tournament. The side hitter Dan Zibton, who tion of dirt road. The men's C The Irish hosted their Damian Sharratt, Sebastian tournament brought together was also named all-confer­ had an all-star line-up looking annual Alumni Tournament Andres-Testero, and - 30 teams from three of the ence, the Irish looked as if the to win the race, while the B at Rolfs Aquatics. The event Fordonski all scored in the most competitive conferences seven previous matches had entry women's squad was featured Purdue, shootout to give Notre Dame in the nation. With an incon- taken their toll. The Muskies seeking more experience. With Mercyhurst, Monmouth, and the victory.

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OUND THE NATION Tuesday, April I, 2008 CoM PI u:n FROM THE OBSERVER'S w1 RE SERVJCEs page 13

NCAA Men's Baseball NCAA USA Today /ESPN Poll rank team record prev 1 Arizona State 25·1 1 2 Miami FL 21-2 3 2 Florida State 23·3 2 4 North Carolina 21·5 4 5 UC Irvine 19·3 7 6 South Carolina 18·7 9 7 Missouri 20·5 6 8 Vanderbill 18·6 13 g Long Beach 51 17-7 5 10 Nebraska 21-4·1 17 11 Wichita St. 20·3 11 12 California 18·5·1 19 13 Florida 20·6 18 14 Texas 18·8 10 15 Virginia 23·5 15 16 Rice 19·9 12 17 Kentucky 22·4 14 18 Arizona 14·9 3 19 Texas A&M 21·6 22 20 Stanford 12·7 21 21 Georgia Tech 22·5 NR 22 Coastal California 21.6 20 23 (tie) Ole Miss 16·11 16 23 (tie) CS Fullerton 15·9 25 25 San Diego 19-10 23

NCAA Women's Softball Top25 rank team record prev 1 UCLA 26-3 1 AP 2 Arizona Stale 34-2 2 Tar Heels forward Tyler Hansbrough scores a basket during North Carolina's 83-73 win the NCAA Regional Championship 3 Alabama 27·3 3 game over Louisville. Hansbrough and Kansas State's Michael Beasley were top picks for the All-America team. 4 Florida 35-2 4 5 Stanford 31-2 5 6 Michigan 25-3 8 7 TexasA&M 31-6 9 8 LSU 2H 6 AP selects younger All-Americans 9 Tennessee 28-5 8 10 Arizona 21-8 10 11 Houston 28-4 11 Associated Press freshman to lead the country rebounds) and lived up to his recognition I deserve," said 12 Fresno State 30-5 13 in rebounding, were named "Psycho T" nickname while Douglas-Roberts, Memphis' 13 Oklahoma 27-8 22 North Carolina's Tyler on all 72 ballots and leading the Tar Heels to a first All-America since Penny 14 Long Beach State 24-9 12 Hansbrough and Kansas received 360 points from the school-record 36 wins and Hardaway in 1993. "But I 15 Lousiana·Lalayette 20-8 14 State's Michael Beasley were same national media panel their 17th Final Four. still say when people look at 16 Northwestern 13·9 16 unanimous selections to The that selects the weekly Top Douglas-Roberts, the third that All-American list, it's a 17 Hawai'i 24-10 17 Associated Press' All­ 25. member of the All-America motivation because I'm the 18 Georgia 30-8 18 America team Monday. For "To be one of just two team playing in the Final one that people know the 19 Baylor 18-8 24 the first time, no senior was players in the country to Four, had 52 first-team votes least about. n 20 North Carolina 27·6-1 15 chosen. receive such an honor is and 309 points. The 6-7 Notre Dame sophomore 21 Mississippi Slate 26-9 19 Beasley and Kevin Love of very humbling, n said 22 swingman averaged 17.2 center Luke Harangody was San Diego Stale 27-10 20 UCLA made it two straight Beasley, who led Kansas points and 4.1 rebounds and sixth in the voting with 211 23 California 29-10 23 24 years there were two fresh­ State to its first NCAA bid shot 44.9 percent from 3- points, and he was joined on DePaul 19-9 25 men chosen. Sophomore D.J. 25 Washington 21-9-1 since 1996. "I have never point range for the Tigers, the second team by seniors NR Augustin of Texas and junior been about individual who lost just one game this Shan Foster of Vanderbilt, Chris Douglas-Roberts accomplishments, but about season and earned the D.J. White of Indiana and .-,... rounded out the selections, helping my team win games. school's second No. 1 rank­ Roy Hibbert of Georgetown, Women's Softball shutting out the seniors. I wish we were still playing, ing. and college basketball's Big East Standings Until this group, but I am happy with the suc­ "It's an honor. I've put a lot newest star, Davidson sopho­ Hansbrough, a junior and cess we had this season." of work in, over the sum­ more guard Stephen Curry, team record streak· the . Atlantic Coast Hansbrough, a second­ mers, during the season and who led the Wildcats to the USF 4·0 W5 Conference player of the team selection last season, staying after practice just regional final by averaging Louisville 4·0 W6 year, and Beasley, the Big 12 compiled impressive num­ trying to improve. I feel now 34.5 points in the NCAA Pittsburgh 3·1 t1 player of the year and third bers (23.0 points, 10.4 that I'm finally getting the tournament.

Syracuse 3·1 l1 . --::-. DePaul 1·1 t1 NOTRE DAME 1·1 W1 Providence 1·1 W2 IN BRIEF Connecticut 1·1 W1 Indians' Martinez out with Loi!ar~'s lucl.cy pJitt lands him OIY.mpic torch lightinJ! in St. John's 2·4 L4 a hamstring injury an mvlte to the Masters Beijing goes without prolest Villanova 1·3 ·W1 CLEVELAND-Indians All-Star catch­ NEW ORLEANs-Peter Lonard figured BEIJING-The elaborate ceremo­ Rutgers 1·3 W1 er Victor Martinez left Cleveland's sea­ the closest he would get to the Masters ny to rekindle the Olympic torch 0·6 L5 Seton Hall son opener on Monday in the second this year was in front of his television. went off without a hitch Monday in inning after injuring his left hamstring Thanks to a 5-foot par putt on the final closely guarded Tiananmen Square while rurming to second base. hole that he thought was only worth - with hundreds of cheering Martinez had opened the Indians' money, he was added to the field Monday women in brightly colored T-shirts, - around the dial seven-run inning with a single off by squeezing into the top 50 in the world flower--toting children and confetti. Chicago White Sox starter Mark NCAA Women's Regional Championship ranking. There were no protests in Buehrle. Later in the inning, he drove Lonard was at No. 72 and figured he Beijing, although some are expect­ Texas A&M at Tennesse home Travis Hafuer with a two-out base had to win the Zurich Oassic. ed during the 85,000-mile world 7:00 p.m., ESPN hit. When reliever Nick Masset's pitch He was one shot behind Andres Romero tour. got away from catcher A.J. Pierzynski, and faced a 45-foot birdie putt on the 18th Demonstrations are expected as Rutgers at Conneticut the slow-footed Martinez attempted to to force a playoff. Lonard ran it 5 feet by the torch goes to London, Paris 9:00 p.m., ESPN take second. the hole, then made that to finish alone in and San Francisco. Even stops in But he stumbled as he neared the bag second. Had he missed, Lonard would Kazakhstan on Wednesday and and fell with an awkward slide. have tied for second with Tim Wilkinson Turkey on Thursday could be flash NIT Basketball Tournament Martinez also got hurt in the 2007 and moved up only to No. 53. points for China's Muslim Uighur Massachusetts vs. Florida season opener against Seattle, straining The Masters now has 93 players minority living abroad. 7:00 p.m., ESPN2 his left quadriceps while running to first expected to compete, with one more spot President Hu Jintao presided at base. available to the winner in Houston if he is the elaborate ceremony in Beijing's However, the 29-year-old never went not already eligible. Among those still not Tiananmen Square, where the Mississippi vs. Ohio State on the disabled list and batted .301 with eligible is Davis Love ill, whose 70 consec­ flame - carried from Greece in a 9:30 p.m., ESPN2 a career-high 25 homers and 114 RBis utive majors is the longest streak among lantern aboard an Air China flight for the AL Central champions. active players. - reignited the Olympic torch. page 14 The Observer + SPORTS Tuesday, April 1, 2008

SMC TENNIS NCAA BASKETBALL Belles look to end Stanford brothers to go pro Twins Robin and Brook Lopez announce intention to enter NBA draft dry spell at Olivet "This has been a very diffi­ nals for the first time sinee Associated Press cult deeision for me because I 2001. The Lopez twins are going really enjoyed my two years at Both Brook and Hobin will Saint Mary's searching for first MIAA win pro together. Stanford," Hobin Lopez said in hire agents and thus forgo their Stanford sophomore Robin a statement released to the AP. remaining two years of college Lopez is joining his 7-foot "I have always hoped I would eligibility, their mom said. have an opportunity to play in "That's something we're still By MEAGHAN VESELIK their potential," Hubino said. brother Brook in entering the "We still have a way to go NBA draft. the NBA and I feel now is the working on and finalizing," she Sports Wrirer until we peak." The brothers made their right time to make that dream said. "It's a 'definite decision. Rubino said his team is announcement to The a reality." We'll be hiring agents." Saint Mary's (4-8 overall, hungry for a long-awaited Associated Press on Monday Brook Lopez, a third-team lie averagnd 16.0 points and 0-2 MIAA) continues confer­ win. through thP.ir mother, Deborah All-American and a first-team 7.1 rP.bounds in his two college ence play on the road "Unfortunately, we had to Ledford. Pac-1 0 selection, averaged 19.3 seasons, blocking 101 shots Tuesday at 4 p.m. when it play two of the better teams It was expected that Brook points and R.2 rebounds to go and shooting 48 pP.rcent from takes on Olivet (6-1 overall, right away, but we'll certain­ would declare himself eligible with 56 blocks this season. He the field in 53 games. Brook, 0-2 MIAA) at Michigan State. ly get our chances in the con­ for the NBA, but Hobin was not scored the game-winning bas­ who missed time earlier in the Tuesday's match will be the fp,rence mep,t in a couple of so certain. They were prep ket with 1.3 seconds left in an season bceause he was aca­ third conference competition weeks," Rubino said. stars in Fresno, Calif., and 82-R 1 victory over Marquette demically ineligiblP., scored in this season for both teams. came to Stanford together. Now in the second round of the double figurp,s in 41 gamns and "I feel pretty good about Contact Meaghan Veselik at they will depart as a tandem, NCAA tournament to put scored a career-high 31 points playing OlivPt." Belles coach mveselO 1 @saintmarys.edu too. Stanford in the regional·semifi- at Washington this season. Chuck Rubino said. "They are not pickPd as one of the top tPams in the conference, like who wp'vn been play­ ing." The Belles have played Albion and Calvin in their first two eonfen~nce matches this season. Albion (10-1. 3-0 MIAA) is currently leading in the MIAA. and Calvin (8-2, 1- 0 MlAAl is third. Saint Mary's fell 6-:{ to both Albion and Calvin in the past two weeks. "UnfortunatPly. the confer­ ence teams we have played so far have been two of the three toughest teams in the MIAA. so they havfl brought some pretty good competi­ tion." sophomore co-captain Camille (;ebert said. "Tomorrow's match should be slightly easier than the teams we've been playing so far. llopcfully it will be a good match to bring us out of our slump." The Belles are coming off a 0-2 weekend at the Jack Swartz Invitational at Wheaton College. Ill., where they lost to Olivet Nazarene and Wheaton College, both rankPd teams. The Belles lost 6-3 to NAIA No. 16 Olivet Nazarene on Friday, and 8-1 to Wheaton. which is ranked No. 28 in Div. Ill, on Saturday. "We had a lot of tough matches this weekend and I think we're going to put that experience into this match," Rubino said. Rubino said one main prob­ lem in the weekend losses was his team's doubles play. "I want to see improvement in our doubles," Rubino said. "Singles did well this past weekend, we want to contin­ ue to improve in singles, but I hope to sweep the doubles and if we can - the singles, too." Saint Mary's heads into competition today having played better teams than - Olivet. However, both teams have yet to win any confer­ ence matches. and will be going into play hungry for a win. "I just don't want to go in FREEBIES ISIJ8S & CLIJBS ONLY) therp, overconl'ident," Hubino Onion. lettuce. alfalfa sprouts. tomato. mayo, sliced said. "It's not like playing cucumber. Dijon mustard. oil & vinegar. and oregano. Albion or Calvin. Olivet isn't at that level, and we want to eontinue the play that we had this weekend." I WE DELIVER! 7 DAYS A WEEK~ Olivet team is similar to 1290 E. IRELAND 138 S. MICHIGAN 54570 H. IRONWOOD DR. 5343 N. MAIN ST. Saint Mary's in that both lP.ams are comprisP.d mostly 574.291.1900 574.246.1020 574.277.8500 574.968.4600 of frp,shmen and sophomores. SOUTH BEND SOUTH BEND SOUTH BEND MISHAWAKA To Hubino, this means his Belles have a lot of untapped potential. "YOUR MOM WANT$ YOU TO EAT AT JIMMY JOHN'S!" © "We are starting to get to ,, that level of playing up to Tuesday, April 1, 2008 The Observer+ SPORTS page 15

MLB Royals win in extra innings on opening day Indians defeat White Sox with help from seven-run second frame; Jim Thome hits two home runs

ners, including Clete Thomas, Associated Press who was on third base with DETROIT- Money can't buy only one out in the 11th. wins. Just ask the Detroit Joakim Soria got out of the Tigers. jam and earned the save by Tony Pena Jr. hit a two-out, striking out Edgar Renteria and tiebreaking single in the 11th getting help from third base­ inning and the frugal Kansas man Alex Gordon, who snared City Hoyals held on to beat the Placido Polanco's grounder in big-spending Tigers 5-4 in the hole and threw him out. Monday's opener and give Trey "We had one of the best hit­ Hillman a win in his major ters in baseball up with a man league debut as manager. on third and two outs the last Detroit eloscr Todd Jones said inning," Leyland said. ''I'll take a team's payroll is "totally" that situation every time." irrelevant on any given day. Miguel Cabrera hit a homer in "But the beauty of baseball is his Detroit debut, helping the it's all about the long haul, not home team go ahead 3-0 one game," Jones said. through five innings, but Justin "Hopefully with the kind of tal­ Verlander had a lackluster start ent we have, we'll find a way to to spoil the party. grind out more wins than other "This is just Game 1 of many, people." you can't get too upset about Hillman made the right moves it," Verlander said. and his players executed in the Leo Nunez (1-0) threw two field to rally from a three-run hitless innings. deficit and hold off a late come­ "He was probably the unsung back. star of the game," Leyland said. AP "This is pretty cool for me," Denny Bautista (0-1) was an Kansas City Royals catcher John Buck tags out Detroit Tigers outfielder Magglio Ordonez in the third said Hillman, who was success­ out away from pitching two inning of Kansas City's 6-5 win in 11 innings Monday in Detroit. ful as a manager in Japan. "It's scoreless innings, but Pena's a great honor, it's humbling." single to center brought John Carlos Guillen helped send the The defending AL Central Shoppach and Jhonny Peralta The Tigers will spend about Buck home. game into extra innings with a champions won in familiar opened the eighth with sin­ $138 million on their star-stud­ Trailing 3-0, Gordon hit a solo shot in the eighth. fashion at Progressive Field gles off Dote! {0-1), who ded team, putting them in the two-run home run in the sixth - their ballpark previously bounced back and got two pack with Boston and the New and the Royals scored two more Cleveland 10, Chicago 8 known as Jacobs Field - as quick outs. Franklin York Mets - behind only the while facing four pitchers in the CLEVELAND - As the Casey Blake hit a three-run Gutierrez, who hit a three­ Yankees. seventh. inning unfolded, C.C. Sabathia double in the eighth inning run homer in Cleveland's Kansas City, meanwhile, will Leyland raved about the 24- felt as if he was watching a Monday for a 10-8 opening seven-run second off Mark try to compete with a payroll of year-old Gordon, who favorite movie, one with a win over the Chicago White Buehrle, walked to load the approximately $58 million - impressed him last year as a dialogue he knows by heart Sox. bases. ranking among the smallest. rookie. and predictable ending. Blake's shot off the wall Blake fell behind 1-2 in the "I don't think we'll win most "This guy is a big-time player "Not to sound cocky," the against Octavio Dote! capped count before lifting a shot of the time just because our waiting to happen," Leyland reigning AL Cy Young Award a 3-hour, 21-minute opener high off the 19-foot-high wall payroll is big," Detroit manager said. "He's got a tremendous winner said. "But I think that featured five homers, in left, barely missing a grand Jim Leyland said. "We just left swing. I think he'll be a star in everybody knew what was controversial calls and unsea­ slam but starting a new chap­ some guys on base and we left a this league before it's over with. coming." sonably pleasant weather in a ter of memories for Indians couple pitches up." That's why he was a No. 1 play­ Say this for the Cleveland city finally thawed out from fans, who have resisted the The Tigers stranded 10 run- er." Indians, they can do drama. the snowiest March on ballpark's new corporate record. moniker. After blowing a 7-2 lead, "I was begging for a the Indians loaded the bases homer," said Blake, who bat­ in the eighth on two singles ted just .190 with runners in and a two-out walk before scoring position last year. Blake's clutch hit. Chicago's Jim Thome hit a "It was not that big of a sur­ pair of two-run homers off prise," said Sabathia, who Sabathia, who couldn't pro­ made his fifth and potentially tect a 7-2 lead but wound up final opening day start for the with a no-decision. The lefty Indians. "Nobody in this club­ struck out seven in 5 1-3 house was ever in doubt. We innings. always have faith that some­ The White Sox threatened in body would come through and the ninth as Jermaine Dye it was Casey- once again." homered off Joe Borowski, They may not play in the last year's AL saves leader Jake anymore, but everything who once again had pulses else seemed in place for the racing before retiring Joe Indians, who won 23 times in Crede on a foul pop to get the their final at-bat last season. save for winner Rafael With the score 7-7, Kelly Betancourt.

Coffee at the Como For Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Questioning Students at Notre Dame

Thursday, April 3 7:30 p.m.- 9:30 p.m. 316 Coleman-Morse

The Core Council invites gay. lesbian. and bisexual members of the Notre Dame family, their friends, and supporters to an informal gathering at the Co-Mo.

Every011e is welcome and confidentrallty rs assured.

CURE C~UHCil FUR GAY l LESBIU AP STUDENTS Cleveland catcher Kelly Shoppach tags Chicago's Joe Credy in a controversial eighth inning play. The Indians won the game 10-8. page 16 The Observer+ SPORTS Tuesday, April 1, 2008

BOOKSTORE BASKETBALL Congratulations Are you ready to Class of 2008! graduate? Jordan's Nephews downs SensAsians

second period. By MEAGHAN VESELIK As the second half started, Sports Writer Jordan's Nephews started to ease up on the SensAsians, let­ SensAsians tried for the third ting the team take more shots, April2-3 year in a row to make it to the most of which ended up being second round, but its dreams airballs. The boys continued were shot down by five tall guys with their long passes and fancy lOam -7pm who hardly gave the team a shots they knew would never chance to score work on any other Hammes Notre Dame Bookstore in the first half. court. SensAsians Jordan's started to gain some Nephews took "It was fun, but momentum, but was Herff Jones, Framing Success and Balfour will be present to take your down the hope­ hopefully one year stopped short by the ful SensAsians we'll win a game." Jordan's Nephews squad 21-5. ball-hawking orders for class rings, diploma frames, and cap and gown fittings. Jordan's defense. However, Nephews, led Jenn Nguyen the men did ease up by captain SensAsians captain on their defense a Cap and gown portraits will be available from T o m m y little, standing in Mumford, were front of the basket Traditions Photography, $10 sitting fee will apply. taking fancy with their ians captain Nguyen said. with a lively cheering section. "We have a little bit of a disad­ NoTRE SensAsians was down 11-1 at vantage with the height. It was BOOKSJDREDAME~ halftime, with its only point fun, but hopnfully one year we'll IN THE EDK CENTER coming from Melissa llarintho. win a game." phone: (S74) 631-6316 • www.ndcotolog.com Ilarintho scored three more in 070066503, 308A the second half. and Tatiane I Isu Contact Meaghan Veselik at added a basket early on in the mveselO 1 @saintmarys.edu

John Paul II and the Jews Presented by ordained Rabbi Dr. David Dalin

Room 13 8 DeBartolo Hall - 7:30p.m. Thursday, April3 ------

Tuesday, April 1, 2008 The Observer + SPORTS page 17

court. It was just me and her," Mulligan said about the block. Bookstore "As soon as I smelled weakness, continued from page 20 I attacked." Mulligan sent the ball flying LOOKING FOR Although the lack of energy out of bounds, but the damage proved detrimental to team 490, had been done. The Scurrying the squad put up tough resist­ Lemurs' confidence was shot ance as 535 tried to get the last and Carolynn's Chub Club, the THE BEST J·OB ON two points in the second half. dirtiest team name to sneak by Lipp said 535 will not signifi­ the Bookstore censors in years, cantly cb.ange its approach. took over from there. "[Our strategy] will probably After facing an 11-2 deficit not change. Our goal was to win heading into halftime, the CAMPUS? one game and we did that." Scurrying Lemurs thought they had a good second half plan to Spiny Backed Arabian get them back in the game. Tortoises 21, "We need to get the ball to our VISIT OUR JOB FAIR! Team Bad Life Decisions 15 secret weapon," captain Holly The Spiny Backed Arabian Hinz said to her team between Tortoises earned a well-fought halves. Thursday, April 3rd, 11 :00am-2:30pm victory over Team Bad Life What they failed to account for Decisions. Although the male was Mulligan's game-breaking Lafortune- Dooley Room Tortoises ended up winning, the ability that ultimately sealed girls from Decisions played them their fate. even the whole game. "We tried to pull it together The Development Department Phone Center is In the hour and 10 minute and make a comeback," Hinz seeking students with excellent communication game, the defense of Decisions said. "It just wasn't enough and Notre Dame skills, enthusiastic attitudes, and a love for Notre made it difficult for the we came up short." ANNUAL FUND Tortoises. However, their offense Dame. couldn't handle the intense LHOOQ 21, Equestrians 3 defense from the Tortoises, The Notre Dame/Saint Mary's EVENING STUDENT CALLER CAMPAIGN STUDENT CALLER which proved to be the differ­ Equestrian Club usually just POSITIONS AVAILABLE POSITIONS AVAILABLE ence in the contest. Both teams rides horses and travels to com­ threw up multiple airballs and petitions, but Monday it took to Call alumni, parents, and friends on behalf Call alumni. parents, and friends an behalf of displayed questionable passing, the bookstore courts to take on of Notre Dame's Annual Fund. i i Notre Dame's Development Department. but the game intensified as the LHOOQ, a team named after a Tortoises couldn't make their French painting making fun of • No experience necessary • No experience necessary fmal shot. the Mona Lisa. • Fun environment • Fun environment After several failed attempts, The Equestrian girls came out • Evening hours • Day & evening hours Tortoises guard Kyle Hanratty in almost full gear, mostly in rid­ • Paid training • Paid Training ended the marathon game with ing breeches, a few in riding • Merit pay increases • No solicitation calls a corner shot from three-point boots, one in riding boot socks Summer and '08-'09 academic • Summer and '08-'09 academic range. covered in flames, and one in a year positions available year positions available riding helmet. Their opponents We're the Real Reason Brett were two guys, one in short Questions? Contact Matt Young or Laura Questions? Contact Lori Rush, Phone Center Favre Is Crying 23, U Got A Thesing, Program Managers of the Annual Coordinator, at PCSQirlN!>nd.edv or 631 -7935. shorts and sunglasses, the other Fund. at [email protected] or 631-3152. Bad Draw 11/2 21 in shorter shorts and a bandana In an epic struggle that lasted around his eurly mass of hair, nearly an hour and forty-five and three girls, all in regular minutes, We're the Real Reason sweatpants and tee-shirts. Brett Favre Is Crying held off U The game started off as a con­ Got A Bad Draw 1 1/2 in the test of which team could actually biggest upset of the tournament hit the rim first. Airballs were so far. the trend for much of the first Bad Draw, which was com­ half, but the Equestrians squad posed of club lacrosse players was the first to draw iron. from I Ioly Cross, came out with However, LIIOOQ scored the first a fiery display of confidence. point of the game, which was But this cockiness was short­ somewhat surprising sinee the lived as the all-female team, team had a majority of the Brett Favre, stormed out to an game's air balls up until that 11-5 halftime lead. point. "We simply need more elec­ Equestrians was unable to trolytes," Bad Draw team mem­ seore many points in the first ber Dave Bendel chanted as he half, with its only point scored by ran over to his team's communi­ helmet-clad Katrina Stuart. But ty Gatorade bottle. it did keep i:ts opponents fighting Similar to the bottle of for the ball as they raced up and "Michael's stuff' from the movie down the court. The most "Space Jam," the Gatorade aggressive Equestrians players seemed to revitalize Bad Draw were Heather LaDue, Kelley as it managed to fight back and Daniels, and Andrea Kochert, tie the game at 17. the team captain. The guys from The final minutes of the game the LHOOQ team weren't too were grueling as the two teams happy with having to tight for traded baskets. the ball with girls, but they still As team members from other showed no restraint. games began to come over to LHOOQ led 11-1 at the half, cheer for the ladies of "Brett and carried its momentum into Favre," the girls capitalized on the second half. The Equestrians the crowd momentum and scored its second point of the pulled ofT the narrow victory. game, made by Stuart again, "We absolutely played our after LHOOQ had scored three hearts out today. We kept it more times. LI-IOOQ continued to together at the end when we score but the team's baskets needed to," captain Emily Dore were few and far between. said. "It was truly amazing." Daniels scored the third basket Bendel was quick to dismiss for the Equestrians, bringing the the loss. score to 18-3. LHOOQ pulled out "I blame it on the weather ... the win after a 50-minute game and the hot girls," he said. of air balls and back and forth On this day, the only thing play. sloppier than the rainy weather "It was a really physical game, was the play of the two teams. but both teams played hard until Frequent turnovers, errant the last point," LHOOQ captain shots, constant complaints, and Stephanie Brauer said. even a 15-minute seoreless peri­ "We played mean and strong, od all contributed to the ridicu­ and it showed with our amazing - lous length of this contest. three points. But we could out­ horsebaek ride them any day," Carrolynn's Chub Club 21, Equestrians captain Andrea Scurrying Lemurs 12 Kochert said. A bone-chilling, earth-shatter­ ing bloek by Patriek Mulligan Contact Eugenia Alfonzo at was all Carolynn's Chub Club, [email protected], Alex Barker at needed to down the Scurrying [email protected] and Lemurs Monday at Lyons courts. Meaghan Veselik at "I saw her coming down the mveselO 1 @saintmarys.edu -----~------~--

page 18 The Observer + SPORTS Tuesday, April 1, 2008

retired the last eight Notre tic of the MAC. want to see us do the littll~ things Dame batters for the complete "When we played them last that are necessary to score runs." Broncos game win. MAC year they had very good hitters," On Wednesday, the Irish will continued from page 20 The Irish split the Saturday continued from page 20 Gumpf said. "And this yPar they take the field against Toledo, doubleheader with a narrow havP added an outstanding trans­ another offensive-minded MAC including an eight-run fourth 4-3 victory in the nightcap, the few areas of eoncern for the fer pitcher, junior Tiffany team. inning - and cruised to an and picked up a strong per­ Irish of late, an area that Gumpf Garofano, so it is going to be very "Toledo is another great hitting easy victory over a weaker formance from senior starter has addressed with her squad. tough." team, and we just need to find a Western Michigan team. Wade Korpi. The Irish "Our defense really does need Gumpf.said the kPy to bPating way to eontrol thPir hitters," Facing the improved bullpen, led by closer Kyle to improve," Gumpf said. "What I thP Cardinals is Notre Dame's Gumpf said. "I believe Jody Broncos tomorrow will be an Weiland, hung on the preserve believe the problem to be is that pitching. [Valdivia! will eontinue to do a Irish team that has played the win. we are not keeping everything "To beat Ball State we are real­ great job." well of late, winning eight of In the closing game Sunday, simple. Sometimes I feel like we ly going to have to loeate our Gumpf also wants to see the its last 11. But the team has the Irish fell just short in a are rushing things and we just pitches and control their hitters," team be patient at the plate also sufTernd several frustrat­ ninth-inning comeback, falling need to slow down and watch the Gumpfsaid. against the Bockets. ing (OSSflS. 4-3. Despite giving up an early ball into the glove." On the offensive side, Gumpf "I want us to wait for and swing Notre Dame is batting .305 4-0 lead, Notre Dame fought The Irish will first face a Ball would like to see thP tPam main­ at good pitehes," Gumpf said. on the season, and the team its way back with relievers State team they bested 3-0 at tain its strong showings of the Both games will be at 5 p.m. on sports a 4.52 EHA. The Irish Weiland and freshman Cole home last year. Gumpf is not tak­ past couple weeks and keep Ivy Field. also lead the Big East in field­ Johnson holding Cincinnati ing the contest lightly, as she foeusing on the fundamentals. ing but have yet to see their seoreless in the final seven knows Ball StatP has strong pitch­ "Ofl"Pnsively, we rPally nend to Contact Jared Jedick at offensive output translate into innings. Sophomore David ing and good hitting eharacteris- keep it simple," Gumpf said. "I [email protected] as many wins as they would Mills attempted to score on a like. two-out single in the ninth, "It's frustrating to play well but was thrown out at the as we have and lose some plate to end the game. *+ tough games," Irish coach Schrage said the Irish foeus .EEJJ Dave Schrage said. "We haVfl on making plays in the non­ to step up a11d make some conference and exhibition ~ plays, hit with men in scoring games this week in prepara­ UNIVERSITY OF position, do the little things to tion for the Big East series win." this weekend. The Irish were unable to do "We really want to get back NOTRE DAME the little things over the week­ on traek this week and build end, dropping two games to some momentum before COLLEGE OF the Bearcats by a total of another big series against ARTS AND LETTERS three runs. Notre Dame lost 5- Hutgers this weekend," 3 Saturday in the first game of Sehrage said. a doubleheader and struggled The first pitch against to score ofT Cincinnati starter Western Michigan is sched­ Dan Osterbrock. uled for 5:05 p.m. at Eck Despite tying the game in Stadium. the seventh, the Irish bullpen Invites N

as heavily in the offense as he Bonding was before, Weis said eoach­ ing the whole team has Sheedy Award continued from page 20 become a little easier - and a little more fun. "When the head coach "You just see more. When come in your you don't have Each year, the Sheedy A ward, named for a former dean of the College of meeting, that's to zone in on Arts and Letters, honors one member of the Arts and Letters faculty for good," Brown one aspect, outstanding teaching. said. "When the "lie's still the same you can see lw ad eoac h is coach Weis and he's more or a big­ watching your still about business ger picture," Both students and faculty are invited to submit nomination letters for individual Weis said. this year's award to: drills, that's and about winning." "This has been good. There an1 kind of fun, to no negatives to Maurice Crum, Jr. tell you the Stuart Greene that. nonn. It Irish linebacker truth. It's not puts the players like I don't say Associate Dean for Undergraduate Studies on alert, it anything to I 04 O'Shaughnessy Hall makes sure the the offense ... coaehes are doing what but I'm also getting an oppor­ you're supposed to do, which tm~ity to.. say something to the you should be doing anyway." defense. Deadline Weis has also become a fre­ quent attendee - and has Contact Chris Hine at Monday, April 14, 2008 brought a Iittlll humor - to [email protected] the defensivn nwetings. "I sat in tlw dnl'ensive baek meeting room I Friday!. It's funny beeause Corwin's coaching and I'm in the back of the room and hn 's making run or his guys bncausn they Best Value 1n Town have a gunst visitor in the elassroom," Weis said. "It's actually been kind of fun to Come See Why.' tl'll you the truth." So far. the playnrs have n~spond1HI in different ways ,.. I:nt:lt10r/ Oul't:loor Te:n.nis a:nJ Ba.skel'ba:ll to the incrnasnd presence or ,.. Free Ta:n:ni:ng Weis in llwir lives, but ulti­ mately, the players know ,.. Heal'et:l Pt10l what Weis is trying to accom­ plish with thn change, rising ,.. Hela..zi.:ng Jacuzzi f'if'th-ynar senior Mauriee ,.. Gal'et:l Co.m.m u:nil'y Crurn said. "lie's letting the guys know ,.. Co.m.m u:nil'y Busi:ness Ce:n l'er lw's tho coach but he wants to be morn a part of the team. ,.. No App}ical'io:n Fees for SJ'u Je:n l's Somn guys tighten up, and at ,.. Close l'o everyl'.hi:ng_ _. far from ort:li:nary! tlw same time, guys get a bet­ ter understanding or who Coaeh Weis is and what he means when he speaks," Crum said. "lie's still the same coach Wnis and he's still about business and about winning. With him being Castle 1'oi ~80~1 nt around more. it just lets you C2eve2and Bd_ South Bend, IN 46637 know he's willing to ehange Phone: l574} 272-8~~0 Fax: l574} 272-8~~4 and he wants to do whatever it takes to win." Hlnl' _cppj _COII't Now that he's not involved Tuesday, April 1, 2008 The Observer+ TODAY page 19

MICHAEL MIKUSKA HENRI ARNOLD BLAcK DoG JUMBLE MIKE ARGIRION

THAT SCRAMBLED WORD GAME JJIJJJWIIDJLJE. by Mike Argirion and Jeff Knurek Unscramble these four Jumbles. one letter to each square, to form four ordinary words. D ~- I LURBY ~ 1» £ <:.~"\..._, I [J I I I He's a real @2008 Tribune Media Services, Inc. daredevil All Rights Reserved I YLDMO I [) I ) -~ )-yt DIDIER LEWIS b . LOLLERSKATES ~!1-. • I ~ PORRAL .t t WHAT H!:: TURN!::D J I I I INTO WH!::N Hf;: www.jumble.com b ~T TO SKYDIVING SC.I-bOL-. term ORA FIT Mid .. Now arrange the circled letters week at to form the surprise answer, as I I (J I [) suggested by the above cartoon. Saint Mary's Print answer here: A[IIIJ[IIJ (Answers tomorrow) Jumbles: VITAL IVORY NIBBLE SLOGAN Yesterday's I Answer: Watching an ironworker high on a skyscraper can be - "RIVETING"

ANOTHER UNFUNNY COMIC LIZ MURPHY & SARAH MUSCARELLA HOROSCOPE EUGENIA LIST

CELEBRITIES BORN ON THIS DAY: Pavel Bure, 37; Ewan McGregor, 37; Rhea Perlman, 60; Christopher Walken, 65

Happy Birthday: Check out all the possibilities rather than assuming everything will go according to your plans this year. You are likely to overreact if you aren't prepared. Oversee everything. Detail and precision will be key to your success. Your numbers are 2, 10, 26, 29. 35,40

ARIES (March 21-April19): Settle down and let everyone else take care of things for a change. You need to break away from the stress and give yourself a chance to reclaim what's really important to you. 2 stars

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): You have the right idea and will certainly be able to convince others that you know what you are doing. Take care of any matters that require dealing with banks, institutions or government agencies. 5 stars

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): You can pick up valuable information that will allow you to help someone from whom you need a favor. Make a change at home and you will rid yourself of some of the tension you've been facing. An older individual will reveal some family background. 3 stars

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Take a dynamic approach to whatever you do and you will excel. Be a little unique, bold and no-nonsense and you will capture the attention of someone who will support what you are doing. 3 stars

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): Emotional matters are likely to escalate. A business trip will lead WILLSHORTZ to an interesting meeting with someone who can help you see and do things a little CROSSWORD differently. An offer regarding your vocation and what you want to pursue is heading in your direction. 3 stars

Across 25 Scientology 64 Garden plant VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Get your chores out of the way so you are free and clear to founder support enjoy friends, family or someone you love. A love connection can be made if you are single 1 Puppies' plaints or a commitment made from the heart to someone you are already involved with. Be a Hubbard 5 Cobb of "12 65 One hired by a participant. 3 stars 28 For no profit corp. board Angry Men" LIBRA (Sept. 23-0ct. 22): So much of what you do will depend on how you treat the 9 Icy look 32 Sister of Marge 66 McCann of people close to you. If you have been overreacting, expect to apologize but. if you have Simpson country music been helpful and understanding, expect a pleasant surprise. Don't mix business with 14 Oratorio pleasure. 5 stars 67 Cheated, highlight 36 Forsaken slangily SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Don't take anything or anyone for granted. You will not get 15 Di or da 38 Get the the respect or the help you require even if you ask for it. Do the work yourself and you will have no regrets or apologies to make. Someone is probably withholding information. 2 stars preceder in a habit 68 One of "The Addams Family," Beatles song 39 Enjoying an SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Hard work and dedication will pay off and will keep informally you too busy to get into trouble on a personal level. Someone you are involved with will be 16 Moves like outing, of sorts 69 Comrade in sizing up his or her situation. You may want to distance yourself. 4 stars sludge 42 Homecoming figure, for short arms CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): You will be the driving force behind what gets done. 17 "What Did" Your outgoing nature and your big ideas will take you over the top and on to massive (classic 43 Yin's counterpart projects. An emotional encounter will prove beneficial in the end. 3 stars Down children's book 44 Checking out AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feh. 18): Hidden matters will lead to trouble. Try to keep everything with a punny Comic Smimoff 45 Michelin offering out in the open so you aren't blamed for something that is not your fault. A partnership can title) 2 Tehran denizen take a turn that will lead to greater security if you are honest. Share how you see things 47 Flagston family unfolding. 3 stars 18 _ Spee (old pet 3 Actress ZaSu German PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You can gain ground by the way you handle situations today. 4 Greet cordially warship) 49 Gin flavoring You will be able to make professional headway by making a few alterations to your resume. 5 Paul Bunyan, A change at home will allow you to make extra cash doing something that is second nature 19 Catcher's 51 Edit to you. 4 stars e.g. position 56 Enjoying an Birthday Baby: You are sensitive and caring. You are strong, steadfast and determined. 6 River of Spain 20 Enjoying an outing, of sorts You aren't afraid to pitch in and help or to ask for assistance. 7 Mideast airline­ outing, of sorts 61 Like wild tigers Eugenia 1s Web sites: astroadvice.comfor fun, eugenialast.comfor confidential consultations 23 "Gets the red 62 Drought relief a Port of Israel Puzzle by Victor Fleming out" sloganeer 63 Hi Flagston's 9 Treat leniently, 24 Italian auto, for wife, in the with "on" 33 Former 46 Trued up 55 Lamb or Bacon 10 Talkativeness Connecticut short comics 48 Twist badly piece 11 France's Cote governor Grasso 50 Everglades 56 browns ANSWER TO PREVIOUS PUZZLE d'_ 34 Speak well of 35 "I can't blame wader (diner fare) 12 Actor Stephen anyone else" and kin 52 Home 57 Analogy part 37 Latvia's capital overlooking the 13 Renaissance 40 Fishing line sea, maybe 58 Havana aunts family name material 53 How some tuna 21 China's Zhou 41 Georg who wrote is packed 59 Kind of stand "The Philosophy of Right" 54 Dexterity 60 Doesn't dally - 22 Trolley sound 26 Gymnast Korbut 2? Ad infinitum For answers, call 1-900-285-5656, $1.49 a minute; or, with a credit card, 1-800-814-5554. 29 ''The Love" Annual subscriptions are available for the best of Sunday (R.E.M. hit) crosswords from the last 50 years: 1-888-7-ACROSS. 30 British W.W. 11- Online subscriptions: Today's puzzle and more than 2,000 era gun past puzzles, nytimes.com/crosswords ($39.95 a year). 31 Chinatown gang Share tips: nytimes.com/puzzleforum. Crosswords for young 32 Exchange jabs solvers: nytimes.com/learning/xwords. THE OBSERVER

Tuesday, April I, 2008 PORTS page 20

FOOTBALL BOOKSTORE BASKETBALL Changing priori ties ND bailers Weis devotes more begin play time to coaching 'D'

By CHRIS HINE in tourney Sports Writer By EUGENIA ALFONZO, Coach Charlie Weis said he ALEX BARKER and wantnd to get to know his MEAGHAN VESELIK tl~am nntirn a little better - Sports Writers not just the offense- and this spring, the dnl'ense is finding out exactly what that mnans. The 2008 Bookstore It nwans thny sec a lot more Basketball tournament kicked of thnir coach on the field in off Monday. Dnspite bad weath­ practice and ofT the field in er, the first day featured excited the wnight room and in meet­ players and at least one big ings. upset. Weis said part of his reason­ ing bnhind giving play-calling Team 535 21, Team 490 10 dutins to o!Tnnsiv•~ coordinator Team 535 dominated team MichaPI Haywood was to 490 and won with intricate pass­ nnhane•~ his rdationship with ing, great teamwork and key his playnrs and becomn morn steals and blocks. But the strate­ involved in their individual gies of the two squads also dnveloprnent. And the deff1nse proved to be a key in the well­ has notiend a little more W<~is played game. in tlwir day-to-day operations "Our strategy to win the game sincn thn beginning of spring was to just wing it," said senior pradien. Derek Lipp of' team 535. "Wn "lin's dnfinitnly a more visi­ have four seniors and a fresh­ bln figure, in the ofT-season man on this toam and it was and practice," rising senior especially fun for the seniors Kyle McCarthy said Monday VANESSA GEMPIS and IAN GAVLICK/The Observer because this was our first win after pradicn. "Whnn you're At left, rising senior David Bruton intercepts a pass during Notre Dame's 31-14 loss to ever." on dnfnnse and you'rfl not Michigan State on Sept. 22, 2007. At right, Charlie Weis looks on at practice Monday. It was a different story for used to seeing coach Weis team 490, who dedieated the behind you, you're kind of _coach a lot more players Weis has left most of the "He's been around for a long game to physics professor tripping a bit, but it's boen instead of having to just schematic adjustments to time. There's nothing I've Christopher Kolda. good. It's bnnn putting the worry about the quarterback defensive coordinator Corwin done in my career - having "Our gameplan consisted of pressuro on some guys but I or the offense," Weis said Brown and assistant head faced him two times and going to the Hock two hours think !.t's going to work well after practice Friday. "I coach/defense Jon Tenuta, being here -:- that he doesn't before our game and scrim­ for us. stoppHd practice more times who was the defensive coordi­ understand how we do it or maged some random team," Wnis said his increasnd visi­ IFridayl to give a coaching nator at Georgia Tech for the why we do it." freshman Ben Linskey said. bility with the defense at point and I'll probably give as past six seasons. Brown said having Weis "Then we went to dinner after­ practice has onablcd him to many of them to the defense "He's going to be the first help out more during practice wards, so we had absolutely no interaet with the playnrs and as I give to the offense. I'm one to evaluate the talent, put could only improve the team energy when it came time to coach more on that said of the not talking about scheme of the guys in the right positions in the long run. play." ball. the defense, but there's things of how he sees it and go from "It gives me a chance to that I notice." there," Tenuta said Monday. see BONDING/page 18 see BOOKSTORE/page 17

ND SOFTBALL BASEBALL Irish prepare for pair Squad looks for home win

of :m_id-week contests By MICHAEL BRYAN Sports Writer Monday after notching two By JARED JEDICK shutoul'i in 10 and 2/3 innings of Arter dropping two of three Sports Writer work. She limited IUPUI to three in a tough series against hil'i and a walk with seven strike­ Cincinnati this past weekend, Notrn Damn hopos to enjoy outs in the home opener the Irish will look to rebound somn sunny skins - and play Wednosday before handing in a non-eonferenee game sornn good softball - when it DePaul its first regular season against Western Michigan hosts Mid-Anwrkan Conference loss of the season. today. opporwnl'i Ball Statn (20-1 h) and "She did a great job this week The Broncos (12-7-1) suf­ Tolndo (6-1 0) Tuesday and with her two shutouts," Gumpf fen~d a three-game sweep at Wndnnsday. The Irish will said. "She just gets better every the hands of Ohio in their first attnmpt to build on thnir monHm­ time she goes out onto the three MAC conference games. tum from a double-header split mound." Sophomore catcher Chris against No. 17 DePaul on Sunday. This is the third time in seven Lewis leads Westnrn Michigan Notrn Dame ( 17-1 0) starting weeks that an Irish pitcher in most ofl'ensive categories. pitdwrs Brittney Bargar, a junior. nabbed Big East pitcher of the In 19 games this season, and frnshman .Jody Valdivia have wnnk honors. Bargar has narned Lewis is batting .403 with four been outstanding for tho Irish the honor twice this season, and home runs and 19 HBI. The thus far. Their latest strong pPr­ hold DePaul to two runs on lour Broncos offense is batting over f(mnanc.n mmn in a 2-0 Valdivia hits Sunday. .300 combined this season, shutout Sunday. "Brittney [Bargar! pitched a scoring almost seven runs per ".Jody IValdivial really moved really great game, as well, in the game. tlw ball around well against first half of the double-header," The Irish will hope for a DePaul," coach Deanna Gumpf Gumpf said. "But she had trouble result similar to last year's said. "With tlw misting and eold gntting enough support from her game, a 17-9 Notre Dame win conditions, sho was really defense." at home. Notre Dame pounded irnpr<~ssivo." The defense has been one of the Broncos for 22 hits - VANESSA GEMPISfThe Observer Valdivia was named the Big Junior pitcher Kyle Weiland pushes off the rubber during the East pitcher of the week on see MAC/page 18 see BRONCOS/page 18 ninth inning of Notre Dame's 4-3 win over Cincinnati Saturday. THE

The Independent Newspaper Mocking Notre Dame and Saint Mary's VOLUME 6: ISSUE 66 TUESDAY, APRIL 1. 2008 NDSMCYOMAMA.COM Vaginas present at ND since 1 72 Expose rocks campus; Bishop, alumni express outrage

Lady has welcomed v*****s edict, but he suspects it will By PHYLLIS McFILLY since autumn of 1972 is incorporate the essential parts Vaginal Correspondent appalling. If God wanted us to of each opposing view. honor and respect all parts of a "While the presence of the An Absurder investigative woman, he wouldn't have made vagina would seem an egre­ report that vaginas have been female sexuality embarrassing gious violation of Church teach­ enrolled in the University since and offensive." ing, it might be acceptable in a 1972 drew outrage from University President Father strictly academic setting," already-riled opponents of "The Jim Spankins said he is not yet Spankins said. "Or maybe not." Vagina Monologues" this week­ ready to draw conclusions Vaginas were initially brought end. about reported presence of to the University during the Chief among critics was vaginas on campus. He said, tenure of University President Bishop Tom Farcy, who argued however, that he plans to initi­ Emeritus Father Fred that females - and all parts ate campus-wide discussion Messburg, an outspoken propo­ associated with them - should about the spiritual and academ­ nent of vagina equality. be kept private. ic significance of the vaginas. "I had started to notice that "As spiritual guardian of this "We must join together in the longer I was at Notre Dame, community, I must denounce thought and prayer to deter­ the more brutish the men were the presence of the v***** at a mine the place of vaginas at an becoming," Messburg said. supposedly Catholic university," institution that is both Catholic "Without women, men degener­ Baby snatch Farcy said in a prepared state­ and a university," he said. ate into something less than Have you ever wondered where babies come from? That's right - ment Friday. "The recent find­ Spankins said it is far too boxes. ings that the University of Our early to predict his eventual see VAGINAS/page 3 Thousands of fetal corpses found under South Quad NDSP names no suspect, but encourages students to report 'all suspicious townies'

Notre Dame Right to Life Club By IGNOMINY were moonlighting as gravedig­ Staff Cynic gers. All students involved were SOUTH QUAD - In a shock­ immediately tased. ing turn of events, the white "Using our full force of six crosses that adorn this quad security - I mean police -offi­ periodically to commemorate cers, we were able to appre­ aborted fetuses were shown to hend the suspects," said NDSP mark the graves of thousands of spokesman Jill Phonson. actual fetuses. Phonson was unable to say The fetuses were discovered the last time a troupe of pro-life Monday night by an NDSP sting activists had buried fetuses on operation, the first of its kind to campus. He did not have access be launched entirely on a fleet to information about the time, of Segway and Rascal scooters. exact location, number of sus­ Alerted to the possibility that pects, where the fetuses came vandals would desecrate the from or where they would be demonstration - popularly taken. known as Graveyard of the The Absurder contacted Right Innocents - the responding to Life President Virginia GOVERNOR CASEY/ The Absurder officers were shocked to find NDSP believes that '[flipping] townies' hacked into the Notre Dame tunnel system to create the the executive board of the see FETUSES/page 3 morbid scene. Thankfully, Notre Dame students had memorial crosses at the ready. HEADLINE INFLATION: A ONE-PART SERIES University considers Tuition or grades: which rise faster? a deal with the Devil

% Students will get more ~ ~· ~ Desperation drives Spankins to seek Satan -... ~~ -..... ·>$., points for more money ·~· !» ~ Dame football team, which had ·-~ x ~· a 5 ~ By RITA SKEETER By MARVEY HERSFELD a miserable 3-9 record last sea­ ·- Wizard Authority son, would go 13-0 en route to Divinely Anointed £ ~ ~ r - winning the national NCAA ...- ~ ~~ Absurder sources have Championship over Ohio State Citing competitive pressure from g learned that University by no less than a 45 point mar­ other leading universities and the - ~ ~ President Father Jim Spankins >.'* ~ gin of victory. popular notion of "you get what you x .... is currently weighing accepting In return, Satan asks only .. ;... Q pay tor," University Prnsident Father --::::: a deal with the Devil himself, that "The Vagina Monologues" ~ Jim Spankins announced that the ~ 0 who also goes by the Prince of become required First Year of average GPA of a Notre Dame gradu- -... "" 8 "'w x Darkness, Lucifer, Satan and Studies curriculum for all stu­ ate will increase 4.8 percent for 2008- •, 5 Mephistopheles. dents. 09 academic year. E 10 'I* ~ Under the proposed agree­ "It's a pretty simple deal," the "We need to remain competitive ""' ~ ment, Lucifer himself would see moo 20'..!0"' (;~t.) see $$$/page 5 to it that the University of Notre see SATAN/page 5

------page 2 The Absurder+ PAGE THE SECOND Tuesday, April I, 2008

LAST MINUTE COLUMN QUESTION OF THE DAY: WHO IS NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL'S TOP RIVAL? I declare a Vie-wpoint

-war!!! Boob Davies Lionel Losingham Ryans Myth Yellow Mate Melvin Black super fast ... or athletic I ley fellow Domers! Inside Column ESPN2 white amateur a new Talley here. Sorne of you may know me from noise generator golfer super stud? director my daily musings on life, but others of you may pass right over me on "High "When you say "Bike locks. " "JD scanners. " "Stanford. " your way to Sports expectations. " 'rival,' you have to read about to encompass Charlie Weis' rose-seented what is and bowel movements what is not. or those other When you realize "sports" that we tolerate in what there is between football not, you find seasons. John Mark Karr what is." If you're one of my fans, then I want to say Still Creepy thanks for being BOXERS OR BRIEFS? there for me through the years as I write about top­ ics that only I care about, like spring Former New York governor weather. assorted lists, passing torches Eliot Spitzer will be on the or 9/11. But if you do enjoy reading me Saint Mary's campus today. lie everyday, then you 'II notice that I don't may or may not have $5,500 to get quite as mueh attnntion as a eer­ burn. but either way he'd like to tain otlwr snction of this paper. I'm get to know you better. rnady to makn a 1:onf'nssion: I hate Viewpoint and I'd like to take this NDSP will put an underage opportunity to dedare war. Viewpoint drinker in the stocks and pelt war. him with tomatoes tonight at 7. I nwan, why hasn't there bmm an The University community is Inside Column vs. Viewpoint war yet? invited to attend. Bring your Suw I don't talk about the state of own tomatoes. Notw Damn's Catholie identity or the irwfl'edivmwss of student government, Turtle Creek Apartments will but opinion is opinion and at least I showcase its units tonight in a don't ramble on about soap operas and session gearnd at underelass­ "I low I Met Your Mother" or whatever men entitled "Y()u, the Excise else Se1~1H1 & I Ieard feels the nm~d to Police, and Turtle Creek: A talk about as she watdws marathons Winning Combination." of "Anwriea's Next Top Model" all day. Beverages will be served. And it's not like Viewpoint is little Miss Perfect either. I was driving to my University auditor Will apartment in Clover Ridge and I totally Igetasmoochie faces a HesLife caught Viewpoint walking baek from hearing Wednesday. lie was Turtle Creek wearing the same yelling "COLLEGE!" while Britney-worthy dress and red high JAYSON BLAIR/The Absurder caught playing drinking games Senior Khornelius Wrigglesworth emulates his idol Pretrial McBiarney in an in the hall. heels from the night before. Humor has intense game of one-on-none basketball. it, she's been spending a few too many nights at Sports' apartment. For as Finnigan's and Club Fever much as she's against the "Vagina announced they will raise Monologues," her vagina sure has been Thursday night cover charges doing a lot of talking lately. Maybe BEATOFF to $15 a person. The statement she's getting some pointers from those came as part of the South Bend Saint Mary's girls she seems to love so Heath Ledger jokes finally "E! is reporting that pro­ proved to be false. Instead. Bar Association's "What the hell much (Ah! Stereotype!). deemed fumy duction has begun on 'The the students reportedly else are you going to do around Actually, I hear Viewpoint has been GOING TO HELL, Kan. - Patriot 2.' Heath Ledger shaved their heads in soli­ here?" campaign. A bar around the block with everyone except Although the premature will once again play the darity with Britney Spears, spokesman said underage girls for Scene. Scene's too busy watching passing of the Oscar-nomi­ role of the dead son," who has made great will still be allowed to cut you in "The Wire" and talking about how nated actor Heath Ledger Classy jokes. strides in recent months line as long as they give the excited he is for the new "Indiana in January was a tragic But her favorite joke toward a comeback. bouncers sexual favors. Jones" movie. end to a young life, celebri­ goes, "What do Jake "We, like, Jove Britney! All I know is that if Viewpoint wants ty expert Classy B. has Gylennhal's cherry and a She's super cute and not The Irish Rover is seeking to keep her credibility. she better stop decided that jokes about bottle of Paxil have in com­ fat, and her new CD is, new writers. Applicants should flirting with Comics so inuch. I mean, the deceased heartthrob mon? They both got like. Shakespeare," said exhibit poor grammar and a seriously? All he does is sit on his futon are now funny. popped by Heath Ledger." sophomore Kimberly self-important attitude that playing "Halo," thinking of lame jokes "Enough time has Johnson. "Why would we lends itself to holier-than-thou about squirrels or ugly girls (because passed," says Classy. "His SMC students shave heads shave our heads for can­ "journalism." guys here really have room to talk). death has become open for Britney, not cancer cer? Cancer patients aren't So bring it Viewpoint. I hear game, just like AIDS, 9/11 FIRECROTCH. Calif. - famous." Seriously, who goes to talks on Crossword and Horoscope talking and poverty in Africa." Reports on Monday that Jamaican immigration from behind your back everyday. And it Classy believes that her Saint Mary's students had Information compiled by 1962-67? turns out that Question of the Day and favorite Ledger jokes are shaved their heads in sup­ someone who just wants to Oflbeat were talking smack too before I sensitive and thought-pro­ port of cancer patients be famous. Really, that's If you have something to sub­ scared them ofl' in the bathroom so I voking. undergoing chemotherapy all she asks out of life. mit, you have no life. could smoke cigarettes rolled with old copies of the Irish Hover and Scholastic. So let's start a war and try to give Notre Dame students a break TODAY TONIGHT WEDNESDAY THURSDAY FRIDAY SATURDAY from all this talk about vaginas. a: Hetaliation is up to you. 1.&.1 The views expressed in the Inside ::J: ~lY(;r~ 1!1 1!1 - Column are divine revelation so !ct 1.&.1 SAINT SAINT don't get so uiorked up about it. 3: ~'; M_ARY'S MARY'S COLLEGE COLLEGE ~ ~ NUrlll; DAMI!. IN NOI'II..I: UAM.t. IN CORRECTIONS c::J ;::) LL. HIGH 17 HIGH -12 HIGH 107 HIGH 22 HIGH Pi HIGH 32 The Absurder regards itself as a professional LOW 5 LOW 50 LOW 10 LOW N/A LOW 0 LOW 22 publication. But, truthfully, we pretty much suck. Scholastic sucks more. That's what she said. Think we made a mistake? Suck it up. Hotlanta 46 I 33 Beantown 38 I 29 Chi-town 22 I 10 KC 34 I 20 Houston 68 I 42 City of Angels? 60 I 43 New York 39 I 31 Nick's mom 39 I 30 Phoenix 66 I 37 Seattle 44 I 26 St. Lunatics 29 I 17 Tampa 74 I 59 Do you really read the weather? -----~------~- --~------~ ~------... NATION & STUFF Tuesday, April 1, 2008 CoMPILED FROtv\ THE ABsuRDER'S WIRE SERVICES page 3 Obama taps ND coach to lead Dept. of Defense Illinois senator's approval rating among Big East basketball fans falls sharply; choice provides 'balance,' analysts say

Agence Ken Presse Sen. Barack Obama has named Notre Dame basketball coach Mock Tee his expected nominee to become Secretary of Defense if the Illinois Democrat wins November's presidential election. Obama cited Tee's visit to Kuwait last summer as "undeni­ able evidence" that Tee was "far more qualified than myself' to lead the nation's military. But Republicans immediately attacked Obama's decision. citing Tee ineffectual defenses in his current role. Tee responded harshly, arguing that a strong offense can com­ pensate "Did real good in Denver, eh Mike?" snickered one staffer for Sen. John McCain. Top Obama advisers responded that Tee's strongest quality is his recruiting success. "The U.S. military has long had a disproportionate number of minorities when compared to the population as a whole," said Rob Lowe Obama's new chief of staff. "When you look at Mock, you think of 18, 19, 20-year-old white Photo courtesy of Donny Rumsfeld kids." Irish coach Mock Tee kills some Arab terrorists. That's what she said. Tee has said he believes there is one major issue causing the mage" with Guam, marijuana and cocaine during ing Tee, who was once pho­ the FBI's Chicago office earlier disparity of athletics between the "The point is, we're trying to his high school and college years. tographed waving a $1 bill in this week. When asked for con­ races in the military. get ready for what I like to call On the other hand, Tee has a front of his wife as 18-year-old tact information for the inform­ Under his leadership, Tee said, our 'tough conference slate,"' Tee strong history of punishing pot "Porn Squad" exhibitionists per­ ant, investigators mistakenly the U.S. military will schedule said. "You know - Iraq, Iran, smokers harshly. formed during a Notre Dame released the address and phone minor conflicts with Andorra, India, Pakistan and China." Tee, however, may meet legal football pep rally. number of Rainn Wilson, the Congo, the Democratic Republic Tee also counters Obama's obstacles before his nomination. Police said a Wisconsin resi­ actor who portrays fictional char­ of Congo and Bangladesh. He image as a historic drug user; the Federal investigators confirmed dent with the last name Crean acter Dwight Schrute on NBC's also scheduled a "war scrim- senator has admitted to using Monday that they are investigat- forwarded the pictures of Tee to "The Office."

main campus thoroughfare quorum. name it," Christianson said. "In doesn't convince this student Though the burials typically this case, they said our mem­ Vaginas Fetuses body of the seriousness of pro­ take place after dark, some bers can be excused from continued from page 1 continued from page 1 tecting human club members classes for what is, after all, an life, I don't know "Jfplanting the experience activity that supports our mis­ what will." scheduling sion." human. That's why God put vagi­ Christianson at her Grotto Within student remains ofthousands conflicts with University spokesman Bennis nas here, because he didn't want office, where she was praying government, of babies ... doesn't their night Drown said he cannot com­ the world to be a zoo." for the souls of "the tased, the Council of convince this student theology class­ ment on specifics of the case. Meanwhile, the entire Notre tasers and the babies." Representatives es. "The University supports in Dame female population When asked why Right to was called to an body of the serious­ "Fortunately whole the traditionally Catholic responded by running through Life had not revealed sooner emergency ness of protecting for us, Notre mission - and tactics - of the LaFortune wearing only crotch­ that the "Graveyard" was not meeting to human life, I don't Dame has Right to Life Club," Drown less panties. in fact a metaphorical demon­ advise student been accom­ said. "Sometimes the ends jus­ "We thought the administra­ stration, Christianson said body president know what will." modating to tify the means. Look, [insert tion realized accepting vaginas campus apathy required dras­ Izza Clown any- and all reporter name], haven't you was part of becoming a co-ed tic measures. about responses Virginia Christianson - requests for ever heard of the Inquisition?" institution," one student said. "They just weren't getting to the Graveyard self-righteous funding, heavy it," Christianson said. "But if revelations. The machinery, Contact Phyllis McFilly at planting the remains of thou­ group was dis- exceptions to Contact Ignominy at [email protected] sands of babies beneath the missed after failing to meet SAO regulations ... Really, you [email protected] Sexually Frustrated?

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page 4 IEWPOINT Tuesday, April I, 2008 THE ABSURDER Motorola brings voice of truth l~O. Box 779. 'Not« Dame, IN 46556 024 South Dining Hall. Notre Dame, IN 46556 Thank God for Greg Motorola. If it fight the good fight through the pages Parts I and II and now I continue fight­ EDIIDR IN CHIEF weren't for his biweekly columns of The Observer's Viewpoint section. ing the good fight on the pages of this Bryans Id Lick defending truth, justice and the conser­ "Absolutely not," he answered after newspaper." MANAGING EDITOR BUSINESS MANAGER vative Catholic-American way, I would being asked whether his advancing age "I bleed red, white, gold and blue." ll ryans Is Lick Bryans ld Lick have long ago doused the pagan pages has made him lose touch with his col­ As far as the coincidence that he hap­ of this godless lege audience. "Nothing about starting pens to share his surname with the AsST. MANAGING EDIIDR: Bryans Id Lick newspaper with Tayshaun to write for my alma mater's student communications giant corporation by As.H. MANAGING ElliTOR: Bryans ld Lick holy water and "the" Prince newspaper nearly a decade after the the same name, Motorola says, "Of NEWS EDITOR: Bryans ld Lick watched them burn "of the Palace" fact screams 'impending midlife crisis.' course I do. I'm the great communica­ VIEWPOINT EomlR: Bryans ld Lick in the righteous In fact, like the late and great Strom tor." SPORTS EDIIDRS: Bryans ld Lick fires of damnation, not to mention can­ Thurmond, I firmly believe that I only And as far as The Vagina Monologues Bryans ld Lick celled my subscription. continue to get better with age." go, Motorola says, "Well, to be quite SCENE EDITOR: Bryans ld Lick I recently had the privilege and As far as his personal morals go, honest I don't know much about the pleasure of interviewing this freedom Motorola refuses to compromise. "I former, but I know a thing or two about SAINT MARY'S EDITOR: Bryans ld Lick fighter. Fellow true Catholics and good don't get a lot of what you might call the latter. My column is a monologue in PHOTO EDITOR: Bryans ld Lick people of America, sit back, enjoy and 'play,"' Motorola said. "Or 'action,' or its own right - a defense against the GRAPIIICS EDITOR: Bryans ld Lick relax in the comfort of knowing we [rear end] or [posterior]. Fortunately, I left-wing liberal agenda threatening to ADVERTISING MANAGER: Bryans ld Lick have one of ours dedicated to shedding have a lot of Photoshopped Ann Coulter destroy the fabric of this country." light on the increasingly murky morals porn which gets me through the long An DF.SIGN MANAGER: Bryans Id Lick "I defend those most persecuted in of Notre Dame. Blue state bleeding lonely nights." this country - middle to upper class CoNTROu.ER: Bryans ld Lick hearts, read with caution, as the sheer "Hell, l said as much in my recent white men." SYSTEMS ADMINISTRATOR: Bryans ld Lick amount of hard truth contained in the column, 'Challenging Male Critics have leveled charges of being OFFICE MANAGER & GENERAL INFO following paragraphs may make your Promiscuity.' I've never been afraid to "crazy" at Motorola, but he remains (900) 444-PJNK liberal eyes to go blind or cause your call people out, even if that means steadfast in his conviction. "If 'crazy' FAX brains to sublimate inside your very indicting myself." means being the voice of reason and (574) 631-6927 ADVERTISING skulls. Upon being asked whether he would justice, then bind me up in a straitjack­ ELITEVII'@cscorts.com "I calls 'em like I sees 'em," Observer ever consider defecting from The et and waterboard me until! scream EDITOR IN CHIEF columnist Greg Motorola says. "I like to Observer to leave and write for The 'Freedom!' like my hero, Mel Gibson, in (574) 631-5000 think of myself as the voice of reason, Hover, Notre Dame's fortnightly toilet 'Braveheart,"' he said. "I see myself as MANAGING EDITOR or maybe the voice of the people. Or paper substitute, Motorola giggled soft­ a combination of Jesus II. Christ and (574) 631-4541 [email protected] even better, as the lightbringer carry­ ly to himself and replied, "See, therein Prometheus. I'm a martyr and a torch­ ASSISTANT MANAGING EDITOR (574) 631-4324 ing the torch of truth to the people, all lies the beauty of it all. You know how carrier. I'm not afraid to be nailed to a BUSINESS OFFICE over campus, regardless of whether or them terrorists got sleeper cells work­ tree or have my liver pecked out by a (574) 631-5313 not I still attend that campus." ing undercover? Same goes for me. I'm crow for all of eternity if it means con­ NEWS DESK Whether that involves calling out lib­ like a covert agent planted deep within tinuing to rain down the fire and brim­ (574) 631-5323 [email protected] erals for being the fascists that they The Observer's liberal left-wing agen­ stone of truth on these mindless liberal VIEWPOINT DESK (574) 631-5303 vit•wpoint.l @nd.edu are, or calling out Barack Obama and da, behind enemy lines." sheep." SPORTS DESK his millions of supporters as a pop-cul­ Just don't question his patriotism. (574) 6.~ 1-4543 sports.! @nd.edu ture fad, Motorola slings word counts Upon being asked about the ethnic ori­ The views and opinions expressed in SCENE DESK the way a cowboy slings lead -hard, gins of his last name, Motorola flew this column are those of the author and (574) 631-4540 scene. I @nd.edu fast and straight to the heart. And into a rage. "Absolutely not,'' he said not necessarily those of The Absurder, SAINT MARY'S DESK unlike gunslingers, who can pack a after being asked whether or not he although unless you hate freedom, love smc.l @nd.edu PHOTO DESK mere six rounds into their sharpshoot­ was an immigrant to the United States. terrorism and detest the Almighty him­ · (574) 631-8767 obsphoto<"'nd.cdu ers, Motorola's lengthy columns prove "Of course, my great grandfather was, self, you will agree 116% with all of the SYSTEMS & WEB ADMINISTRATORS he never lacks ammunition. and he fought in three world wars. My above printed material. (574) 631-8839 Ever since Motorola graduated nearly father, who was born on the Fourth of Contact Tayshaun Prince at notgoing­ THE a decade ago in 1999, he has wanted to July, fought in Korea, Vietnam and Iraq togetbyboston@nbaplayoffs. com ABSURDER ONLINE www. ndsmcyDmama. com

POLICIES LETTERS TO THE EDITOR The Absurder claims nothing in this paper to be true. Anything you read in rhis special section is nor subject to review of the Norre Dame administration. We hope it will remain that way. Hall of science must go Redux Special thanks to: BiiiiGrk It has recently come to my attention that the the floor itself depicts the blasphemous con­ Saint Mary's is treated Jeff Shoup wisdom of the papacy has been ignored. This ception of our solar system that Galileo sought unfairly. Brian Coughlin problem goes far deeper than the compara­ to sponsor, placing the sun at the center of the Fetuses do not have Dennis Brown tively superficial conflict of The Vagina planetary orbits. the rights they deserve. Phil Johnson Monologues. When, exactly, did Notre Dame stop teach­ Abortion is morally Melanie McDonald And the solution starts here. ing retrograde motion'? Why were the alumni reprehensible. Matt Smith Notre Dame is a leading Catholic University, . not consulted? The "Vagina and as such it has no legitimate justification The solar system, however, was nothing Monologues" are offen­ for a statue of Galileo above the entrance to compared to the shock I received upon laying sive. the Jordan Hall of Science. eyes on another floor depiction. "Nothing in Homosexuality is dif­ (~umions regarding Absurrkr policies art! inane. Shut Galileo was the Eve Ensler of his day, pen­ Biology Makes Sense Except in the Light of ferent. Too different. the hell up and go home. ning the equally egregious (though mercifully Evolution." The comics are offen­ devoid of vaginas) "Dialogue Concerning the All the while the current focus remains sive. Two Chief World Systems." steadfast on the equally blasphemous yet Don't do that one POST OFFICE INFORMATION Galileo was a heretic, and we aren't comparably tolerable "Vagina Monologues." cheer that offends peo­

'11\l' Abturdrr (r~lli.klm numhtn KO hm:) i1pubhd1cd ou April foo!'.s. Day each year. required to see eye to eye with John Paul II's Catholics of Notre Dame, realign your per­ ple at basketball games. A lub.ow.:riptwn ru The Amurder would be- puindew apology. The Catholic Church made it perfect­ spective. Fight for what you know in your soul ·The football coach Tiwis;dl. Tht! Absurder il published .u: POSTMN>TER ly clear the first time around in its formal con­ to be right. Join me tonight at midnight to should be fired. 024 Suuth Dining HaU Send addtes.'l cortttlions to: demnation of Galileo, and should never have raze Jordan where she stands, and put an end The football coach Nurre: Dame, IN 465S6-0n9 ThAmurdtr l~rioxliaaJ JM)IliAgl!' paid ;u Nocre D-lmt P.O.Boxn9 backpedaled in the face of prevailing, new­ to this dark chapter in the history of our lady. shouldn't be fired. omd .1dclitiono~l mailing offices. 021 South Dining ~IJJI Natre Dame, J N 465l,;6-0n9 fangled opinion. Notre Dame need not follow Notre Dame isn't such a cowardly example. Ptolemy Barberini Catholic enough. After saying seventy our-fathers and under alum

The Atumnler t~ 11 member nt liUmc: stupid wire scrvitt. All rcprod~Ktion riWus ouc vio­ the escort of a priest, I made my way inside Class of 1943 Everyone l.ucd. the offending building, only to discover that Mar. 31 Mar. 31

TODAY'S STAFF OBSERVER POLL News Sports QUOTE OF THE DAY Timmy Plauson Martha Burke Do parietals prevent you from thinking about the opposite sex? Darryl Fingers Buster Olney "Outside ofthe killings, Washington Out-of-position Ron Reagan Jr. (A) Yes. has one of the lowes[ crime rates in Mohawk Warrior (B) Most ofthe time. the country. " Marion Barry Graphics Viewpoint Former mayor of Washington, D.C. Ronald Talley Rev. Jeremiah Vote by paper ballot in the Wright University president's office.

------~-- Tuesday, April 1, 2008 The Absurder + SPORTS/FEMALE SEXUALITY/ED ITO RIAL page 5

hat, but it reads NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL on it. Plus, and not The Absurder endorses student Satan to sound hopeless here, but we continued from page 666 all hoped and prayed and went to the Grotto last year, and all it governinent. All of it. Devil said in an interview in the netted us was three wins and a basement of South Dining Hall. trip to the toilet bowl." Student government has done it again. a mob assembled outside DeBartolo and began Wreathed in shadows, he "I mean, let's cut to the chase Despite the student body's typically demanding chanting their names. After stepping outside, appeared only as a pair of glow­ here: either we get better at expectations, no one was students rushed to place them atop separate ing red eyes set amidst a football soon, or I'm out of this surprised when, mirroring last year's success, thrones, which were subsequently carried to swirling coil of darkness some­ chair anyways, 'Vagina all student body concerns were South Quad for the ceremony. what similar to the smoke mon­ Monologues~ or no." addressed in the productive, This is exactly the sort of leadership advocat­ ster seen on ABC's popular tele­ "Besides," he said, "winning issue-oriented approach that Absurd Staff ed by The Absurder. The illustrious reign of vision series "Lost." "Eve Ensler cures all evils, does it not? So if is my homegirl. Deal or no deal. you follow my line of thinking, has come to characterize Editorial Beige and Lawn, though over in principle, will everything about student never be over in spirit. Of course, it must also be Let's go, I have other things I we'll start racking up the Ws government at Notre Dame. noted that their accomplishments were bol­ could be doing, such as luring next season and maybe the "We had a great year," said outgoing student stered greatly by the loyal service of senator souls to the precipice of eternal whole 'deal with the devil' thing body president Fiz Beige at the impromptu, stu­ Tim Dockwood, whose puppet rule master plan damnation." will just sort itself out." dent-organized recognition ceremony held last was a shining example of student government in The Devil himself admitted While he wouldn't set a hard Friday. "For one, student government single its purest form - empty debate over internal that he "drove a hard bargain," deadline regarding the Devil's handedly stopped the Common Council ordi­ procedures wholly unadulterated by confused but said that Spankins didn't offer, Spankins did say that tim­ nance," she continued, referring to the proposed attempts at action. have much choice in the matter. ing had a large part in deter­ legislation cited as unconstitutional by lawyers The future, too, looks bright. "Did you seriously think last mining when he would and unenforceable by SBPD. Campaign posters for all successful tickets season was what, a fluke?" the announce his decision. Katie McDomer, who helped to organize the were a fitting tribute to the best student govern­ Prince of Darkness continued. "Obviously, you can't go public surprise ceremony, summed up the general atti­ ment values: Smiling, eye contact, bullet points, "A few bad bounces against the with a deal like this on say, tude of the more than 2,500 present, an attitude and postures that are both powerful and friend­ Irish? A few breaks going the Good Friday. That wouldn't be echoed here at The Absurder. ly. wrong way? Come on, people. kosher," Spankins said. "After "I just couldn't sit down and let their tireless, Going above and beyond simple posters, the That was all me." the rebirth of newly risen Lord, unflagging commitment to student issues go winners of the presidency/vice presidency - Satan also reiterated his rela­ the Devil tends to be a little uncelebrated," McDomer said. "I haven't even Rice and Smith- combined all the key ingredi­ tive position of power in the weaker, a little less confident. been paying attention to key student issues like ents of a good poster with the more wide-reach­ negotiations, intoning, "What? Who knows, maybe he'll sweet­ resume-padding and meaningless political ing platform of a Web site. Lofty, immeasurable Do you think I won't do it again en the deal and toss in a guar­ machinations," she continued, referring to stu­ goals like "bridging the gap" and "forging rela­ this season? 'Cause I will. You anteed berth for our men's bas­ dent government's well-known policies designed tionships" are the key to building on the monu­ all laughed because I helped ketball team in the Elite Eight to harness the prestige associated with illusory mental accomplishments of the last regime. Appalachian State topple your next season? For now, it's best power. The Absurder knows that student government rival in Michigan last year. " to sit and wait. We still have Beige and student body vice president Paris will continue its impressive and formidable While he wouldn't hint at the time before the season starts." Lawn had been forced to leave their class after legacy. Keep up the good work. precise nature of his dastardly "Absolutely not," the Devil plans, the Devil did say, "You all raged after hearing of Spankins' have San Diego State first on the plans to sit on his hands. "Who schedule this year. At home, does this guy think he is? First nonetheless. Can you say, off, I put Mike Brey in that posi­ Big East 'sequel?"' tion for a reason. The best The Big East's new teams "Obviously, there are pros and defense against having a good continued from page 8 cons whenever you're consider­ offense, or a good defense, is ing a deal, especially with an hiring Brey. If he hadn't Browns, the New York Knicks entity such as Hades himself," approached me and cut a deal and Bookstore Team No. 451. Spankins said of his current first, he'd have fulfilled his des­ "We feel this diverse group musings. "When you push back tiny of selling used cars in of teams makes us one of the Memphis from the bargaining table and Nebraska for all of eternity." most, if not the most, compet­ shake on [the deal]. you kinda While the delay continues, the itive conference in the coun­ want to make sure you still have Devil said he has big plans for try," Trogese said. "We want­ all your fmgers attached after­ Notre Dame's spring training. ed to make sure we got to 24 Xavier wards." "Expect to see a lot of ankle teams because I think there's "What people don't realize is, sprains," he said, "and more some way you can do a tour­ heavy is the head that wears the mysterious bone spurs in Jimmy nament with that many." crown," Spankins said, sighing Clausen's throwing shoulder. Trogese said that while and slumping in his chair. "Or Tell Spankins to call me when most of the new teams will Davidson the papal hat, which represents he's ready to deal" he said not play football in the Big our strong Catholic morals here, before disappearing into the East, the Cleveland Browns or the mortarboard, which rep­ ground with an accompanying will make "good competition resents academic freedom. You thu~derclap. "He has my num­ for Louisville, West Virginia see, I have a lot of hats I have to ber. and Rutgers" in that sport. Harvard wear here as the president of The Cleveland Browns will the University, and one of them Contact Rita Skeeter at also compete in basketball, happens to be, well, a baseball [email protected] something that excites back­ up quarterback Quinn Brady. North Florida "I was on a pretty good intramural team in college," across all departments for either Brady said. "Maybe I'll be $$$ the College of Business or the able to start for Browns bas­ College of Arts and Letters. ketball." Cleveland Browns continued from page 1 "We need to take the lead on Trogese said he's looking this issue, and bring collegiate forward to the cross-town with other leading institutions of grading policy into the 21st centu­ battles between Saint John's higher education," Spankins said. ry," Foo said. "If only all the mar­ and the New York Knicks at "The bottom line is we can't keting majors were as stupid as Madison Square Garden. New York Knicks charge more for a diploma with­ the engineers, then everyone "Although we do not expect out making it more attractive to could get a 4.8 percent increase. either of those teams to be the market. Our customers expect It doesn't make sense to punish competitive with the league demonstrable increases in quality our college for the unmatched at large, it will be nice to Bookstore Team 451 to account for superinflationary work ethic of its students, as evi­ have a major event in New pricing." denced by their high GPAs." Foo York," Trogese said. Spankins said specific increases added that a marketing class was Trogese also said he is would vary by department. l-Ie in the midst of developing a con­ excited to have Memphis, expressed his concern that a 4.8 vincing Powerpoint presentation Xavier and Davidson in the percent grade raise would not be that she felt would sway fold because "they're really possible for all departments, as Spankins' thinking. good." North Florida and Bookstore pus rivalry between his team increasing an average GPA higher Addressing concerns aboqt the "Memphis is in the final Team 451. and the Irish grows. than 3.8165 by 4.8 percent would impact higher grades would have four." he said. "PI us X a vier "They were going to be on "We're hoping to have them put it over the currently allowed on distinguishing between the and Davidson beat West our non-conference schedule over to pregame before we maximum of 4.0. best and worst students, Spankins Virginia and Georgetown. My anyway," Tee said. "It's nice play," O'Hanahanahan said. "We expect the greatest benefi­ explained that greater weight policy is, if you can't beat to have them in our league." ciaries of the 4.8 percent average would be given to previously less them, have them join you." Bookstore Team 451 cap­ increase to be the College of significant decimal places. Notre Dame coach Mock Tee tain Miles O'Hanahanahan Contact John Thompson IV at Engineering and the College of Spankins emphasized funda­ said he can't wait to play said he hopes the cross-cam- [email protected] Science," Spankins continued, cit­ mental economics as the basis for ing the possibility of increases as the Board of Trustees' decision to high as 25 percemt without hit­ up grade inflation. "You have a ting 4.0. Other departments $129,648 degree with a 3.4 GPA expressed displeasure with this in 2008, and then in 2009 you dissimilarity. expect a $136,476 degree with a Business school dean Caroling 3.4 GPA to be flying off the - Foo called the 4.0 maximum shelves? Please. Be reasonable. "absurd" and "anachronistic." Make it a 3.56." The limitation of any increase to a 4.0 maximum is speculated to Contact Marvey Hersfeld at cause the lowest grade increase [email protected] page 6 TheAbsurder + SPORTS Tuesday, April 1 , 2008

SMC BASKETBALL FOOTBALL ND releases 2009 schedule

By DeKENDRICK FOWLAH Senior Kevin White Correspondent 2009 Notre Dame Football

Athletic Director Melvin Week 1: Idle Black on Monday announced Notre Dame's Week 2: Idle 2009 football schedule. Week 3: vs. Michigan (International Falls, Minn.) The schedule will be a historic slate, with Notre Week 4: vs. LSU Dame becoming the first Week 5: vs. Tulane (Pyongyang, North Korea) team to host an opponent twice in the same season. Week 6: vs. Louisiana Tech The Irish will play Stanford Week 7: vs. Louisiana Lafayette in Week 9 and then again in Week 12. The second Week 8: vs. Louisiana Monroe game ol'ficially will be a Week 9: vs. Stanford n e u tr a I s i t e g a m e a t Mishawaka's Penn High Week 10: vs. Navy School, as part of the two Week 11: vs. South Florida neutral site games in Black's new 8-3-1 schedul­ Week 12: vs. Stanford (Penn High School) ing model, but all gate Week B: at Southern California receipts and TV revenues will go to Notre Dame. Week 14: Idle Saint Mary's basketball fans camp out in front of the Angela "Stanford is perhaps the Athletic Center before a recent game against Calvin. greatest school in the country for combining aca­ mitment." against Louisiana Tech, demic and football excel­ That commitment Black Louisiana Lafayette and lence," Black said. "Why mentioned is Notre Dame's Louisiana Monroe follow in Hardcore fans can1p wouldn't we new initiative: South Bend. want to the Bayou "We're proud to have the schedule "Why wouldn't we Bungle. Notre opportunity to represent them as want to schedule Dame will play Notre Dame in many out in 'Belle-topia' many times [Stanford] as many all five national - and interna­ as possible? Division I foot­ tional - games," Black phere than those at other major times as possible?" By NEWBIE FRESHMAN Sure, we're ball teams in said. "We believe this basketball powers. upset that Louisiana in schedule represents a true Couldn't get a hold of the coach "When we're not breaking we will be Melvin Black consecutive return to the barnstorming down the latest MIAA standings unable to Notre Dame athletic weeks. The days of Knute Rockne. We SAINT MARY'S, Ind. - In the or discussing zone defense, we fulfill our director Irish will kick also feel that this schedule midst of one of Saint Mary's best­ usually talk about boys and three-game off the mini- is well-balanced, well­ ever seasons, the campus has clothes," O'Katiehan said. commitment slate in Baton rhythmed and well­ caught basketball fever. "Sometimes we do each other's with the Big East, but Rouge against Louisiana planned." At 13-13 (8-8 MIAA), the Belles hair." that's because we've State. They will then travel have as many wins as losses for Saint Mary's coach Jenny replaced them with an to Pyongyang, North Korea, Contact DeKendrick Fowlah at just the third time Hanraid said the even better regional com- to battle Tulane. Games [email protected] in school history, rowdy home and the crowds at crowds have the Angela "We just love Belles given her team HOCKEY Athletic Center an advantage it have never been basketball!" hasn't had in bigger. previous years. But it isn't the Katie O'Katiehan "Before, we crowds inside the Late-running season scares tean1 SMC sophomore didn't have many arena that have student fans," attraeted attention she said. "Unless playing in the Frozen Four. him when he tries to skate, - it's the crowds you count the Players not used "They thought 6 a.m. was down he goes," Van Builder out<>ide. girls on the to having games in bad? Wait till they see what I said. "It's sad, really. We all A group of Saint Mary's stu­ treadmills on the second level." have planned," Jefferson said feel bad for him. Most days he dents has taken to camping out The Belles have won three April, run in fear in between clean and jerks of a has to skate with a traffic cone the night before the game in straight games at home. I-Ianraid dazed and badly beaten CCHA or else he falls down." order to get the best seats. They said the team hopes to increase referee. "I bought a slave gal­ The body of freshman goalie eall themselves "Belle-topia." that total next year. By ADAM BANKS ley out on Lake Michigan. Sherm Lips lay at center ice, "We just love Belles basketball!" "We open with Rose-Hulman, District 5 They're going to row until they the naive victim of a dozen sophomore Katie O'Katiehan said. and that will be a tough game," learn teams win games with Notre Dame players who The campoul'i are organized by she said. "We're going to need all A frightened and confused offseason work." believed a sacrifice to the the Angela Angels, a group of the help we can get from our Notre Dame hockey team The Joyce Center rink was a hockey gods could protect rowdy students that has its own crowd." refused to step onto the ice for chaotic scene the rest of the them from April hockey. Led section at games. practice today after seeing that afternoon. by junior center Islam At the all-female school, the Contact Newbie Freshman at the calendar had changed to Seniors Steve Stankin and Branson, the players built a eampouts have a diiierent atmos- [email protected] April. Rock Greehan attempted to fortress of pucks along the The Irish, who are headed to blend into the fencing practice goal line and lured Lips into play in the Frozen Four in less above the arena but were their trap with promises of than two weeks, became dis­ kicked out when they speared more playing time and tips on orientated when they entered the team's best fencers with how to survive puberty. the locker room and realized their hockey sticks. "Playing this late in any sea­ they had to play hockey after "They were Eastern son goes against everything March. Several players broke European," Stankin protested. Notre Dame athletics stand down in tears, while others "That's the only way you can for," athletic director Melvin fled to protect themselves from slow them down." Black said. "I applaud the the month. Stankin, screaming that efforts of Branson and compa­ "This just isn't right," said April was coming for him, had ny to try to keep national Irish captain Clark Van to be removed at saber-point. championships away. That Builder, who had wrapped Greehan hacked his way out of Lips kid had it coming any­ himself in tin foil to camou­ the fencing gym and immedi­ way." flage himself from April. ately put himself in the penalty There were a few Irish play­ "We've never had to do this box. ers, however, who weren't before, ~tnd we're all scared. I Junior right wing Connor ready to give up. heard thai. if you play hockey Eriksson patrolled the outside Senior defensemen Stan Call I in April, yout face grows a of the Joyce Center in a motor­ CaNard and Ryan Farsi offi­ beard. Can you imagine that?" ized scooter, wearing only a cially transferred today to the Notre Dame head coach Jack jock strap and carrying a stick. Irish women's club hockey Jefferson, furious upon learn­ The Notre Dame Security team, where they will compete ing that his team was still Police were called when for the fifth and sixth spots on playing hockey in the crucial Eriksson began to challenge the women's blue line. offseason training period, passersby to joust. "Hey, at least they'll let me called the Irish "the biggest NDSP followed Eriksson in a play there," CaNard said. "And bunch of lazy, cake-eating pan­ slow-speed chase to the I'm pretty sure no one can Properties stiJl'a sies he had ever seen." library, where the deranged hurt me for once." Jefferson vowed the Irish will forward jumped out of his 2008-09 s pay dearly for all the 6 a.m. scooter and fell flat on his face. Contact Adam Banks at workouts they will miss while "The same thing happens to [email protected] Tuesday, Aprill, 2008 C.E. TheAbsurder + SPORTS page 7

kind a dangerously." angry." the rebuilding of an actual to continue spring practice "The team sucked last Michael also said that God building," associate profes­ as planned. Wise y e a r , considered using a giant fin­ sor Abicus O'Hoolihan said. "We're just going to keep continued from page 8 Michael ger to smite Wise, but that O'Hoolihan was later working hard," Krun said. said. "And he decided on the lightning found in his office trans­ "We're just trying to get requested that he be struck e v e n bolt "because it's way cool­ formed into a pillar of salt. better." dead if he used the word though er." God was not available for Linebackers coach Tom "rebuilding," the Supreme God does­ The Notre Dame theology further comment. Thanuta was promoted to Being said. "He used that n't care department was quickly Former Notre Dame defen­ defensive coordinator in word today. In accordance who wins convened to discuss the sive coordinator Corduroy place of Braun. with heavenly policy, Mr. football implications of the smiting. Braun was promoted to "Thanuta no scared," he Wise was summarily smote." games, his "We felt that God acted interim head coach. said. "Thatuta blitz!" Heaven press secretary mother God unfairly, because Wise was Linebacker Marty Krun said Michael the Archangel said does. And clearly talking about a the team, while sad at the Contact Horseman No. 3 at that Wise "had been living you do not want to see Mary rebuilding season and not loss of coach Wise, expects [email protected]

Sharpey said. For a time, it was. Sharpey Sharpey started every game NDN continued from page 8 for the next few months and continued from page 8 hit six home runs. But Crag "He was the No. 1 coming said he wasn't satisfied. were like piranhas - fat, nerdy, out of fall baseball," Crag "He took way too long to non-athletic piranhas." said. "But when he got hurt, swing," Crag said. "He took By nightfall, the tensions that had we had to pursue other too many looking strike­ run through the crowd all day options." outs." changed to fear as the members For the first few games of So starting tonight, Tauson realized what the ramifications of the season, with Tauson will be the starter at first. their rally would be. hurt, Crag decided to start "He's finally healthy," 'Tm not sure how we can go base-stealing Crag said. "He's back to the old ways," poster e x p e r t not banged up Senior You Never See Who Lives in Demetri anymore. We're the Single said. "Before, we posted Smith. "{Tauson] was No. I very excited to anonymously from our computers "We were coming out offall see what he can and no one knew who we were. We hoping to d 0. " were untouchables, there was no surprise baseball. " accountability anywhere. Now ... Liberty, Note: we've seen faces, talked to people. Iowa, and Agro Crag +Crag said My God, we've seen souls. We can Albany by Irish head coach that outfielder never go back. There's responsibili­ playing small Silver Trait, who ty now. Not like it was." ball," Crag, saved Notre The planned roast of football who usually Dame's 11-10 coach Charlie Weis over a fire pit prefers power hitters, said. win over Maine March 4 had to be cancelled as dispirited But the Irish mustered just with several diving catches, and frightened posters headed two runs against the will not play regularly until back to their cubicles. Flames, and Smith made six he learns to catch balls that 'Today was really a big success errors as Notre Dame are somewhere other than for us," Cappuccino said. "I was allowed 14 and 12 runs over his head. disappointed we had to cancel the against the Hawkeyes and "As you saw, he's great at roast, I was really looking forward Great Danes. Crag pulled going back," Crag said. "But to the months of leftovers we would him and inserted Sha'!"pey. we're not satisfied with his have had. But if we get another Frustrated, Smith trans­ ability to come in or move to three-win season, trust me, we will ferred to Cincinatti. his right or left." feast." "I thought when he left, HIGH SCHOOL BOYS MAKE ME HOT/The Absurder that it was my chance to Contact Kosuke Fukudome at Freshman first baseman Timmy Tauson addresses the media Contact NDSWEET1509150 at show what I could do," [email protected] at the College Baseball Hall of Fame last spring. ndnation.com Help Wanted Position Open: Quarterback -who can run the - spread option -No previous signal calling experience necessary -Kinesiology course credit available If interested, please contact Rich Rodriguez at [email protected]

MICHIGAN - ® The Leaders and Best THE ABSURDER

Tuesday, April 1, 2008 PORTS page 8

.. FooTBALL NO ATHLETICS God strikes Wise dead Big East to expand Coach says 'rebuilding,' is smote by Supreme Being as requested

By HORSEMAN NO.3 to 24 teaiTIS Of The Apocalypse

In August, Notre Dame 'We didn't think 16 coach Chuck Wise told reporters that "God strike was enough schools,' me dead" if he used the commzsswner says word "rebuilding." Monday, God delivered on that rnqunst. By JOHN THOMPSON IV During a post-practice Ferus · news conference, Wise updated the media on his Just three years after plans for a new headquar­ expanding to 16 teams, the ters for Banana and Big East is getting bigger Friends, his charity for again. developmentally disabled The league is raiding children. several different other "We aren't buying any conferences and will add new land," he said. "We're eight new members next rnally just rebuilding the school year. existing headquarters." "We didn't think 16 was At that moment, the roof enough schools," confer­ of the Guglielmo Athletic ence commissioner Mikail Centnr was ripped open and Trogese said. "We need a a lightning bolt from heav­ few more to have a com­ en smote Wise. petitive conference." (;od later issued a state­ The new teams will be ment explaining the smit­ Memphis, Xavier, ing. Davidson, Harvard, North "Mr. Wise expressly Florida, the Cleveland THEODORE THE INTERN ANGEUThe Absurder Former Notre Dame football coach Chuck Wise stares into a blinding flash just before God smote see WISE/page 7 him with a lightning bolt from heaven. Wise said the word 'rebuilding• right before the smiting. see BIG EAST/page 5

BASEBALL Sharpey loses starting job to freshman yet again

world recruit El Jimador the best chance to win, and academics," Tauson By KOSUKE FUKUDOME He was expected by many Paulson last fall, will not be Crag said. to turn pro after being said. Japanese Dude in the lineup at first base Tauson, who hit .432 and drafted by the Tampa Bay Crag said that Tauson for tonight's game against hit 103 home runs over four Rays out of high school, but, would have started "from For the second straight Western Michigan at Frank years at Westlake High in a highly publicized the very beginning" if not season, junior Eric Sharpey Eck Stadium, coach Agro School outside Los Angeles, announcement at the for a bone spur in his has bonn beaten out by a Crag said. was the No. 1 high school College Baseball Hall of throwing elbow that frnshman. Instead, freshman Timmy player in the country last Fame, he decided to come to required surgery over Sharpey, who was passed Tauson will start for the year. The Eagles never lost Notre Dame. Christmas break. ovnr for the starting quar­ Irish. a game with him in the line­ "I was really impressed by - terback job in favor of all- "I think Tauson gives us up. the combination of athletics see SHARPEY/page 7

INTERNET CRAZIES NDNation gathers in person, mongers hate

this really leL<; us get together and a circle and dropped to their knees By NDSWEET230 15 channel all our hate at once. It's around a life-size statue of oflen._c;ive llnint(mncd Smanass way better than the time I wrote a lineman Sam Young made from a haiku about Zbikowski's pac;s cov­ mixture of Spam and their own Members of the Notre Dame erage. He sucks." tears. An Plaborate ceremony fol­ sports messag1~ board The revelers pounded Appletinis lowed in which pale, out-of-shapP ndnation.com gathered oul-;idn tlw and Fuzzy Navels well into the postnrs fought each other to the South Bnnd Tribunn building filr a afternoon until rally leaders cut death with sharpened keyboards. rally Monday that onlookers mis­ back alcohol consumption when it "Wn fight so that we may livn. WP took aftnrnatdy fi1r a large all-main was discovered that preparations live so that we may watch. We orgy and pagan blood sacrilkn. li1r an Elephant Walk had almost watch so that we may ridicule oth­ The postl~rs. many of whom had bnnn completed. ers nwrcilessly from behind our lnf't tlwir eomputers for the first But then the day's festivities computer screens while our wife limn sinm Si).,'lling Day, wnro hrrent­ kicked into high gear. goes grocPry shopping with the Pd by thnir lnadnr, Kim Cappuedno, The posters danced naked kids," said poster I'm Bored at - and ln~atnd to a long-windnd, opin­ around a burning effigy of Kevin Work, Hate My IJfe and Am Filled ionatml and ofll'n violent opening White, tl1eir bodies eovnred in blue With Irrational Anger. address. Al'tN the speneh nndnd. and gold paint and their faces Notrn Dame anthropology profes­ tlw thousands of screaming rnnn smnared with the blood of South sor Winfred Q. Brentley observed slrippnd naknd and did an intnrprn­ Bend Tribune columnist Jeff thP rally with students from his tative danco basnd on the lWJ6 Carroll. Several dancers became Introduction to Cults and - Mkhigan Statn game. confused at the remarkable like­ Groupthink dass. "Normally we like to relive our ness of the efligy and received "The sheer inten._c;ity of their hate mllnge ynars vkariously through tl1ird-degree burns in an attempt to for any and all things is just mind­ thn message board," said poster "teach him how to make a sched­ boggling," Brentley said. "They Photo courtesy of Stanford07 Brady's Flulli.~r. who would only be ule." NDNation posters revel in their common hatred of athletic idmtifind by his online h