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A Toast to Prohibition

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A Toast to Prohibition A TOAST TO PROHIBITION Written by: Melanie/Wendy Gall Directed by: Wendy Gall Actor(s) names: Melanie Gall © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall This transcript is to support those who might benefit from reading the script ahead of time to assess whether or not the show will be accessible for them. Or that it can support them in engaging with the show by understanding more context before, during or after the performance. We kindly ask that you use this script only for the purpose of reviewing the show for your access needs to enjoy the show. It is intended that this script is for your private use only. Please do not download, share, copy or recreate this script in any way. This script remains the property of the artist and is shared with you in this good faith agreement. If you have any questions about transcripts and what you are allowed to do with them you are welcome to contact Drea, Ottawa Fringe’s Access and Outreach Coordinator: [email protected]. 2 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall Character Gladys Beginning of script: I love a good toast. In England: “Tally Ho!” In Scotland: “Freedom an’ Whiskey gang thegither.” In Australia, the eloquent: “Cheers, Big Ears!” And my favourite – source unknown – “One drink is good/Two at the most/Three I’m under the table/Four I’m under the host.” Well tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I am your host. So turn on the lights, start the music, and let’s begin! FILL YOUR GLASSES HIGH WITH THE BEST OF SCOTCH OR RYE LET ME HEAR YOUR HIGHBALL GLASSES CLINKING NOW LET’S DRINK A TOAST TO THE LAND WE LOVE THE MOST AND THE LAW THAT STARTED PEOPLE DRINKING. HERE’S TO THE EIGHTEENTH AMENDMENT LONG MAY AMERICA BE DRY THINGS ARE GOING VERY WELL FOR THE GENTLEMEN WHO SELL TO THE MANY THIRSTY GENTLEMEN WHO BUY HERE’S TO MY PAL MISTER VOLSTEAD AND TO THE MEMBERS OF HIS CREW JUST AS LONG AS THERE’S A THROAT FOR WHAT JUST CAME OFF THE BOAT THREE CHEERS FOR THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE! HURRAH FOR THE LAND OF THE FREE! WE CAN SMILE WITH CONDITIONS VERY CHEESY BECAUSE WE ARE HAPPY TO BE AMONG THE MILLIONS OF CIVILIANS SPEAKING EASY GET A CUP! FILL IT UP! WITH THE DRINK YOU LOVE THE MOST! 3 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall GET A STEIN! FULL OF WINE! LET US DRINK ANOTHER TOAST! HERE’S TO THE EIGHTEENTH AMENDMENT LONG MAY AMERICA BE DRY THINGS ARE GOING VERY WELL FOR THE GENTLEMEN WHO SELL TO THE MANY THIRSTY GENTLEMEN WHO BUY HERE’S TO MY PAL MISTER VOLSTEAD AND TO THE MEMBERS OF HIS CREW JUST AS LONG AS THERE’S A THROAT FOR WHAT JUST CAME OFF THE BOAT THREE CHEERS FOR THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE! Ladies and Gentlemen, Neckers, Dewdroppers and Swells: Welcome, one and all to the Tipsy Sparrow. Where ‘It Girls’ can show off their knee-dusters… Snuggle Pups can ‘beat their gums’ in the back…the perfect place for a lollygagger to spend his evening. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m Gladys, and I…Tonight I…Oh, what’s the point? It’s over. It’s all over. Well, in an hour from now; it’s all done, then. When the clock strikes midnight the ball will end. The lights go out. Prohibition will be finished. Repealed. Done. And what a ride it’s been, jellybeans, what a ride it’s been. The music: Duke Ellington, Louie Armstrong... And the dances: The Charleston, Lindy Hop… The 18th Amendment changed the world: From trade to tourism. Boat design to the English language. And all because thirteen years ago, a 112-word amendment to the American constitution specifically outlawed the production, transport, and sale of intoxicating liquors. Now, I bet some of you don’t even remember how this ‘noble experiment’ came about. So, here’s an idea: Shall we skip the usual floorshow on this special night? Cut the jugglers a break…Lay down the feathers and give the dancing dames a rest? Shall we instead spend our last hour of lawlessness looking back at how this madness came to be? Because, not only is this canary the owner and proprietress at the Sparrow, I’m also a bit of an amateur historian. Prohibition fundamentally changed the way we all lived. But how did it happen? How did a staunchly freedom-loving nation decide to give up a private right that had been freely exercised by millions since the first Europeans arrived in the New World? How could the nation’s fifth-largest industry become extinct overnight? How the hell did it happen? Well, like any flame, burning so out of control that it consumed everything in its wake, Prohibition needed a spark to set it all off. And that spark was… the temperance movement. THE DEMON OF RUM IS ABROAD IN THE LAND 4 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall HIS VICTIMES ARE FALLING ON EVERY HAND THE WISE AND THE SIMPLE, THE BRAVE AND THE FAIR NO STATION TOO HIGH FOR HIS VENGEANCE TO SPARE O WOMAN THE SORROW AND PAIN IS WITH YOU AND SO BE THE JOY AND THE VICTORY TOO WITH THIS FOR YOUR MOTTO, AND SUCCOR DIVINE: THE LIPS THAT TOUCH LIQUOR SHALL NEVER TOUCH MINE THE LIPS THAT TOUCH LIQUOR SHALL NEVER TOUCH MINE THE HOMES THAT WERE HAPPY ARE RUINED AND GONE THE HEARTS THAT WERE MERRY ARE WRETCHED AND LONE AND LIVES FULL OF PROMISE OF GOOD THINGS TO COME ARE RUINED AND WRECKED BY THE DEMON OF RUM LET WAR BE YOUR WATCHWORD, FROM SHORE UNTO SHORE TILL RUM AND HIS LEGIONS SHALL RUIN NO MORE AND WRITE ON YOUR BANNERS, IN LETTERS THAT SHINE: THE LIPS THAT TOUCH LIQUOR SHALL NEVER TOUCH MINE THE LIPS THAT TOUCH LIQUOR SHALL NEVER TOUCH MINE! A toast, to the Temperance Supper/With water in glasses tall/And coffee and tea to end it/And me – not there at all! Demon Rum – and bars that served it - have been around for a while. Around…for men, anyway, since respectable women weren’t even allowed through those swinging doors. Throughout the 18th century, saloons were the mainstay of any community. They cashed paychecks and issued credit, had toilets and somewhere to wash. There were free meals: Clams, frankfurters, potatoes and cheese: salty foods, so the men would get thirsty and drink even more. But by the start of the 20th Century, the Anti-Saloon League and the Woman’s Christian Temperance Union were all pushing to outlaw liquor across the nation. They called themselves Teetotallers, adding a ‘T’ to their signature to flaunt their commitment to temperance. And then…along came the Great War. The determining factor. Dry advocates claimed that barley used in brewing beer could be made into bread to feed American soldiers. And don’t forget: lots of brewers were German, which didn’t exactly help popular sentiment. I remember the day in October 1919 when Congress passed the Volstead Act, over President Woodrow Wilson’s veto. Just under three months later, national Prohibition went into effect. And the party began. 5 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall THERE WILL BE, THERE WILL BE QUITE A NATIONAL AFFAIR; WAIT AND SEE, WAIT AND SEE, EV'RYBODY WILL BE THERE! ALL THE FOLKS WILL COME FROM EV'RY STATE, EV'RYWHERE THEY'LL CONGREGATE, IT WILL BE THE NIGHT BEFORE THE PROHIBITION LAW! [REFRAIN REPEATED TWICE] WE'LL BE AT THE PROHIBITION BALL, THERE WE'LL MIX WITH MISTER ALCOHOL; FOLKS WILL PAY THEIR LAST RESPECTS TO HIGHBALLS AND TO HORSE'S NECKS; THE GIN WE GOT FROM THE LAND OF COTTON, WILL BE GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN. THEY WE'LL SAY FAREWELL TO OLD CHAMPAGNE, WE MAY NEVER TASTE A DROP AGAIN; IT'S GONNA TAKE TILL EARLY MORN TO SAY GOODBYE TO BARLEY CORN, WE'LL CELEBRATE AT THE PROHIBITION BALL Thirsty Days Hath November/April June and September/All the rest are thirsty too/So what’s a thirsty gal to do? A toast - To Speakeasies: Prohibition’s worst-kept secret. You’re here, so you probably already know a fair amount about speakeasies. But do you remember the early juice joints: Green door…a whispered code word to a bouncer… Remember the “Striped Pigs… The Blind Pigs…Blind Tigers”? Where customers would pay to see, say, a common farmhouse hog, painted with colourful stripes. And, as a bonus, they would get a free drink? So that way, they weren’t technically buying liquor… Remember the early Cocktails: The Mary Pickford, the Barbary Coast, the Bee’s Knees, the Sidecar… Filled with juice and mixers, so we could barely taste the vile homemade alcohol. We’ve come a long way since then. The floor show, Italian fountains, mini golf in the back…And the freedom. Men and women of all colours mingling…drinking…dancing without a chaperone. Rich and poor, all rubbing shoulders, with two goals in common: Getting our hands on the best illegal liquor around, and avoiding a ride to the police station in a paddy wagon. …But back when Prohibition first began, nobody knew at first how things would go… EVERYBODY SEEMS TO TALK OF PROHIBITION AND WHAT THEY’LL DRINK WHEN EVERYTHING IS DRY HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET AROUND THIS NEW CONDITION AND KEEP A HAPPY TWINKLE IN YOUR EYE? 6 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall IT’S VERY EASY NOW TO GET A DRINK BUT TELL ME DID YOU EVER STOP AND THINK HOW ARE YOU GOING TO WET YOUR WHISTLE, WHEN THE WHOLE DARN WORLD GOES DRY WHAT ARE YOU GOIN’ TO DO IN THE MORNING WHEN YOU NEED A NIP TO OPEN UP YOUR EYE NOW WHAT OF THE WEDDING AND THE CHRISTENING AND THE WAKE WHEN YOUR DEAR FRIENDS DIE, OH, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO WET YOUR WHISTLE WHEN THE WHOLE DARN WORLD GOES DRY? NEV’R AGAIN WILL ANY MAN BE LATE FOR DINNER NEVER WILL THEY MISS THE 5:15 ALL THE FLESHY BOYS WILL FADE AND GROW MUCH THINNER AND EVERYONE WILL BE A CANDY FIEND IF THEY TOSS THE SODA FOUNTAINS THROUGH THE DOORS AND TURN THE BARS ALL INTO DRYGOOD STORES HOW ARE YOU GOING TO WET YOUR WHISTLE, WHEN THE WHOLE DARN WORLD GOES DRY WHAT ARE YOU GOIN’ TO DO IN THE MORNING WHEN YOU NEED A NIP TO OPEN UP YOUR EYE ALL THE POOR BARTENDERS WILL BE WORRYING ABOUT A RIBBON COUNTER JOB IN JULY, OH, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO WET YOUR WHISTLE WHEN THE WHOLE DARN WORLD GOES DRY? Every path/Hath its puddle/You must go on/Without a muddle A toast – to resilience! When Prohibition swept the nation, distilleries and breweries had to get creative: There was Malt syrup, that could easily be turned into beer by adding water and yeast and waiting for it to ferment.
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