A Toast to Prohibition

Written by: Melanie/Wendy Gall Directed by: Wendy Gall Actor(s) names: Melanie Gall

© 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall This transcript is to support those who might benefit from reading the script ahead of time to assess whether or not the show will be accessible for them. Or that it can support them in engaging with the show by understanding more context before, during or after the performance. We kindly ask that you use this script only for the purpose of reviewing the show for your access needs to enjoy the show. It is intended that this script is for your private use only. Please do not download, share, copy or recreate this script in any way. This script remains the property of the artist and is shared with you in this good faith agreement. If you have any questions about transcripts and what you are allowed to do with them you are welcome to contact Drea, Ottawa Fringe’s Access and Outreach Coordinator: [email protected].

Beginning of script: I love a good toast. In England: “Tally Ho!” In Scotland: “Freedom an’ Whiskey gang thegither.” In Australia, the eloquent: “Cheers, Big Ears!” And my favourite – source unknown – “One drink is good/Two at the most/Three I’m under the table/Four I’m under the host.” Well tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I am your host. So turn on the lights, start the music, and let’s begin! FILL YOUR GLASSES HIGH WITH THE BEST OF SCOTCH OR RYE LET ME HEAR YOUR HIGHBALL GLASSES CLINKING NOW LET’S DRINK A TOAST TO THE LAND WE LOVE THE MOST AND THE LAW THAT STARTED PEOPLE DRINKING. HERE’S TO THE EIGHTEENTH AMENDMENT LONG MAY AMERICA BE DRY THINGS ARE GOING VERY WELL FOR THE GENTLEMEN WHO SELL TO THE MANY THIRSTY GENTLEMEN WHO BUY HERE’S TO MY PAL MISTER VOLSTEAD AND TO THE MEMBERS OF HIS CREW JUST AS LONG AS THERE’S A THROAT FOR WHAT JUST CAME OFF THE BOAT THREE CHEERS FOR THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE! HURRAH FOR THE LAND OF THE FREE! WE CAN SMILE WITH CONDITIONS VERY CHEESY BECAUSE WE ARE HAPPY TO BE AMONG THE MILLIONS OF CIVILIANS SPEAKING EASY GET A CUP! FILL IT UP! WITH THE DRINK YOU LOVE THE MOST!

3 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall GET A STEIN! FULL OF WINE! LET US DRINK ANOTHER TOAST! HERE’S TO THE EIGHTEENTH AMENDMENT LONG MAY AMERICA BE DRY THINGS ARE GOING VERY WELL FOR THE GENTLEMEN WHO SELL TO THE MANY THIRSTY GENTLEMEN WHO BUY HERE’S TO MY PAL MISTER VOLSTEAD AND TO THE MEMBERS OF HIS CREW JUST AS LONG AS THERE’S A THROAT FOR WHAT JUST CAME OFF THE BOAT THREE CHEERS FOR THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE! Ladies and Gentlemen, Neckers, Dewdroppers and Swells: Welcome, one and all to the Tipsy Sparrow. Where ‘It Girls’ can show off their knee-dusters… Snuggle Pups can ‘beat their gums’ in the back…the perfect place for a lollygagger to spend his evening. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m Gladys, and I…Tonight I…Oh, what’s the point?

It’s over. It’s all over. Well, in an hour from now; it’s all done, then. When the clock strikes midnight the ball will end. The lights go out. Prohibition will be finished. Repealed. Done. And what a ride it’s been, jellybeans, what a ride it’s been. The music: Duke Ellington, Louie Armstrong... And the dances: The Charleston, Lindy Hop… The 18th Amendment changed the world: From trade to tourism. Boat design to the English language. And all because thirteen years ago, a 112-word amendment to the American constitution specifically outlawed the production, transport, and sale of intoxicating liquors. Now, I bet some of you don’t even remember how this ‘noble experiment’ came about. So, here’s an idea: Shall we skip the usual floorshow on this special night? Cut the jugglers a break…Lay down the feathers and give the dancing dames a rest? Shall we instead spend our last hour of lawlessness looking back at how this madness came to be? Because, not only is this canary the owner and proprietress at the Sparrow, I’m also a bit of an amateur historian. Prohibition fundamentally changed the way we all lived. But how did it happen? How did a staunchly freedom-loving nation decide to give up a private right that had been freely exercised by millions since the first Europeans arrived in the New World? How could the nation’s fifth-largest industry become extinct overnight? How the hell did it happen? Well, like any flame, burning so out of control that it consumed everything in its wake, Prohibition needed a spark to set it all off. And that spark was… the temperance movement. THE DEMON OF RUM IS ABROAD IN THE LAND

4 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall HIS VICTIMES ARE FALLING ON EVERY HAND THE WISE AND THE SIMPLE, THE BRAVE AND THE FAIR NO STATION TOO HIGH FOR HIS VENGEANCE TO SPARE O WOMAN THE SORROW AND PAIN IS WITH YOU AND SO BE THE JOY AND THE VICTORY TOO WITH THIS FOR YOUR MOTTO, AND SUCCOR DIVINE: THE LIPS THAT TOUCH LIQUOR SHALL NEVER TOUCH MINE THE LIPS THAT TOUCH LIQUOR SHALL NEVER TOUCH MINE THE HOMES THAT WERE HAPPY ARE RUINED AND GONE THE HEARTS THAT WERE MERRY ARE WRETCHED AND LONE AND LIVES FULL OF PROMISE OF GOOD THINGS TO COME ARE RUINED AND WRECKED BY THE DEMON OF RUM LET WAR BE YOUR WATCHWORD, FROM SHORE UNTO SHORE TILL RUM AND HIS LEGIONS SHALL RUIN NO MORE AND WRITE ON YOUR BANNERS, IN LETTERS THAT SHINE: THE LIPS THAT TOUCH LIQUOR SHALL NEVER TOUCH MINE THE LIPS THAT TOUCH LIQUOR SHALL NEVER TOUCH MINE!

A toast, to the Temperance Supper/With water in glasses tall/And coffee and tea to end it/And me – not there at all!

Demon Rum – and bars that served it - have been around for a while. Around…for men, anyway, since respectable women weren’t even allowed through those swinging doors. Throughout the 18th century, saloons were the mainstay of any community. They cashed paychecks and issued credit, had toilets and somewhere to wash. There were free meals: Clams, frankfurters, potatoes and cheese: salty foods, so the men would get thirsty and drink even more.

But by the start of the 20th Century, the Anti-Saloon League and the Woman’s Christian Temperance Union were all pushing to outlaw liquor across the nation. They called themselves Teetotallers, adding a ‘T’ to their signature to flaunt their commitment to temperance. And then…along came the Great War. The determining factor. Dry advocates claimed that barley used in brewing beer could be made into bread to feed American soldiers. And don’t forget: lots of brewers were German, which didn’t exactly help popular sentiment.

I remember the day in October 1919 when Congress passed the Volstead Act, over President Woodrow Wilson’s veto. Just under three months later, national Prohibition went into effect. And the party began.

5 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall THERE WILL BE, THERE WILL BE QUITE A NATIONAL AFFAIR; WAIT AND SEE, WAIT AND SEE, EV'RYBODY WILL BE THERE! ALL THE FOLKS WILL COME FROM EV'RY STATE, EV'RYWHERE THEY'LL CONGREGATE, IT WILL BE THE NIGHT BEFORE THE PROHIBITION LAW!

[REFRAIN REPEATED TWICE] WE'LL BE AT THE PROHIBITION BALL, THERE WE'LL MIX WITH MISTER ALCOHOL; FOLKS WILL PAY THEIR LAST RESPECTS TO HIGHBALLS AND TO HORSE'S NECKS; THE GIN WE GOT FROM THE LAND OF COTTON, WILL BE GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN. THEY WE'LL SAY FAREWELL TO OLD CHAMPAGNE, WE MAY NEVER TASTE A DROP AGAIN; IT'S GONNA TAKE TILL EARLY MORN TO SAY GOODBYE TO BARLEY CORN, WE'LL CELEBRATE AT THE PROHIBITION BALL Thirsty Days Hath November/April June and September/All the rest are thirsty too/So what’s a thirsty gal to do? A toast - To Speakeasies: Prohibition’s worst-kept secret. You’re here, so you probably already know a fair amount about speakeasies. But do you remember the early juice joints: Green door…a whispered code word to a bouncer… Remember the “Striped Pigs… The Blind Pigs…Blind Tigers”? Where customers would pay to see, say, a common farmhouse hog, painted with colourful stripes. And, as a bonus, they would get a free drink? So that way, they weren’t technically buying liquor… Remember the early Cocktails: The Mary Pickford, the Barbary Coast, the Bee’s Knees, the Sidecar… Filled with juice and mixers, so we could barely taste the vile homemade alcohol. We’ve come a long way since then. The floor show, Italian fountains, mini golf in the back…And the freedom. Men and women of all colours mingling…drinking…dancing without a chaperone. Rich and poor, all rubbing shoulders, with two goals in common: Getting our hands on the best illegal liquor around, and avoiding a ride to the police station in a paddy wagon. …But back when Prohibition first began, nobody knew at first how things would go… EVERYBODY SEEMS TO TALK OF PROHIBITION AND WHAT THEY’LL DRINK WHEN EVERYTHING IS DRY HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET AROUND THIS NEW CONDITION AND KEEP A HAPPY TWINKLE IN YOUR EYE?

6 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall IT’S VERY EASY NOW TO GET A DRINK BUT TELL ME DID YOU EVER STOP AND THINK HOW ARE YOU GOING TO WET YOUR WHISTLE, WHEN THE WHOLE DARN WORLD GOES DRY WHAT ARE YOU GOIN’ TO DO IN THE MORNING WHEN YOU NEED A NIP TO OPEN UP YOUR EYE NOW WHAT OF THE WEDDING AND THE CHRISTENING AND THE WAKE WHEN YOUR DEAR FRIENDS DIE, OH, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO WET YOUR WHISTLE WHEN THE WHOLE DARN WORLD GOES DRY? NEV’R AGAIN WILL ANY MAN BE LATE FOR DINNER NEVER WILL THEY MISS THE 5:15 ALL THE FLESHY BOYS WILL FADE AND GROW MUCH THINNER AND EVERYONE WILL BE A CANDY FIEND IF THEY TOSS THE SODA FOUNTAINS THROUGH THE DOORS AND TURN THE BARS ALL INTO DRYGOOD STORES HOW ARE YOU GOING TO WET YOUR WHISTLE, WHEN THE WHOLE DARN WORLD GOES DRY WHAT ARE YOU GOIN’ TO DO IN THE MORNING WHEN YOU NEED A NIP TO OPEN UP YOUR EYE ALL THE POOR BARTENDERS WILL BE WORRYING ABOUT A RIBBON COUNTER JOB IN JULY, OH, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO WET YOUR WHISTLE WHEN THE WHOLE DARN WORLD GOES DRY? Every path/Hath its puddle/You must go on/Without a muddle A toast – to resilience! When Prohibition swept the nation, distilleries and breweries had to get creative: There was Malt syrup, that could easily be turned into beer by adding water and yeast and waiting for it to ferment. There were Wine bricks and Raisin Cakes: Chunks of grape concentrate which would ferment if customers “forgot” to eat them. Yuengling and Anheuser Busch refitted their breweries to make iced cream. Pabst made cheese. Coors became one of the leading producers of malted milk, which was marketed as baby food. They also used the mud near their factory in Colorado to produce spark plugs, pottery, and even – ironically – cups and saucers, for the teetotallers.

7 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall Meanwhile, if you were keen for some giggle water, well, you went out to hunt down the closest green-painted door… OR, you stayed at home. With liquor from your cellar. DOWN IN MY CELLAR, DOWN IN MY CELLAR I’VE BEEN CHANGING EERYTHING AROUND I’VE A SECRET HIDDEN THERE, I’LL GUARD IT WITH MY LIFE THE ONLY ONE MISTAKE I MADE: I TOLD IT TO MY WIFE NOW EV’RYBODY WANTS A KEY TO MY CELLAR MY CELLAR, MY CELLAR PEOPLE WHO BEFORE WOULDN’T GIVE ME A TUMBLE EVEN PERFECT STRANGERS ARE BEGINNING TO GRUMBLE ‘CAUSE I WON’T LET THEM HAVE A KEY TO MY CELLAR THEY’LL NEVER GET IN, JUST LET THEM TRY THEY CAN HAVE MY MONEY, THEY CAN HAVE MY CAR THEY CAN HAVE MY WIFE, IF THEY WANT TO GO THAT FAR BUT THEY CAN’T HAVE THE KEY THAT OPENS MY CELLAR, IF THE WHOLE DARN WORLD GOES DRY DOWN IN MY CELLAR, DOWN IN MY CELLAR I’VE BEEN HAVING PARTIES EVERY NIGHT PEOPLE THAT I NEVER KNEW COME UP AND TALK TO ME THEY’RE TRYING HARD TO FIND OUT WHERE I HANG MY CELLAR KEY NOW EV’RYBODY WANTS A KEY TO MY CELLAR MY CELLAR, MY CELLAR PEOPLE WHO BEFORE WOULDN’T GIVE ME A TUMBLE EVEN PERFECT STRANGERS ARE BEGINNING TO GRUMBLE ‘CAUSE I WON’T LET THEM HAVE A KEY TO MY CELLAR THEY’LL NEVER GET IN, JUST LET THEM TRY THEY CAN HAVE MY MONEY, THEY CAN HAVE MY CAR THEY CAN HAVE MY WIFE, IF THEY WANT TO GO THAT FAR BUT THEY CAN’T HAVE THE KEY THAT OPENS MY CELLAR, IF THE WHOLE DARN WORLD GOES DRY SOUND CUE 9 (backing music for joke)

8 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall Ladies and Gentlemen: Have you heard the one about the man who had a bottle of hooch in his back pocket. When he fell down the stairs he heard something break and reached down to find that the back of his pants were wet. Before he looked to see what it was he cried out: “Oh, I sure hope that’s blood.” What day is it…? Thursday? Well, I’m thirsty too! In a way, Prohibition was the biggest gag of the decade. But, according to some, alcohol was no joking matter. In 1922, both the Orpheum and Keith’s Vaudeville circuits – with dozens of theatres across the nation, banned jokes about prohibition. The circuit owner, Mr. Keith, claimed that the management was not taking sides in the matter, but that they implemented the policy because so many actors relied excessively on the subject of prohibition for their laughs, and that the jokes had lost the quality of entertainment. In 1926, Will Hays, the president of the Motion Picture Producers of America, banned both prohibition jokes and drinking scenes from all movies, as he felt it was promoting pro-liquor propaganda. He vowed that “The screen shall never be used in a manner which encourages the slightest disregard for any law, no matter what the law might be.” And so, no more drinking on the silver screen. And in theatres, we stopped hearing songs like this one – And I know it’s an old chestnut of a tune, but it’s still pretty swell: IT’S FUNNY HOW WE GO THROUGH LIFE EXPECTING DAY BY DAY THAT SOMETHING WE’VE BEEN PROMISED WILL SURELY COME OUR WAY BUT THERE ARE STILL SOME FOLKS WHO THINK THERE’S STILL A SANTA CLAUS WITH ALL THEIR DISAPPOINTMENTS THEY’RE HAPPY NOW BECAUSE TEMPERANCE IS COMING TEMPERANCE IS COMING WE USED TO HEAR THEM PREACH IT HERE AND THERE PROHIBITION CAME AND THINGS ARE NOT THE SAME NOW YOU CAN GET YOUR LIQUOR ANYWHERE THEY ALL SAY THAT THE COUNTRY’S DRY BELIEVE IT IF YOU CHOOSE THE BUTCHER AND THE BAKER AND THE ICEMAN’S SELLING BOOZE THEY TOOK THE 5-CENT BEER AWAY

9 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall IT’S EVIL SO THEY SAID SO WE MUST PAY A HALF A BUCK FOR POISON NOW INSTEAD TEMPERANCE IS COMING TEMPERANCE IS COMING WE USED TO HEAR THEM PREACH IT HERE AND THERE PROHIBITION CAME AND THINGS ARE NOT THE SAME NOW YOU CAN GET YOUR LIQUOR ANYWHERE TO TELL THE TRUTH I’M WORRIED IT’S GOT ME ALL ON EDGE THE COUNTRY’S GETTING WETTER EVER SINCE WE’VE TOOK THE PLEDGE I NEVER HAD A LITTLE NIP TO OPEN UP MY EYE I NEVER HAD A GOOD DRUNK ON UNTIL THE STATES WENT DRY TEMPERANCE IS COMING TEMPERANCE IS COMING WE USED TO HEAR THEM PREACH IT HERE AND THERE PROHIBITION CAME AND THINGS ARE NOT THE SAME NOW YOU CAN GET YOUR LIQUOR ANYWHERE Prohibition brought out a whole new language: In America, we now have more words for ‘drunk’ than Finland has for snow: “Blotto, canned, bent, fried, plastered. Boiled as an owl, zozzled, spifflicated.” New words for liquor: “Hooch”, “Stuff”, “Giggle Water”, “Horse liniment,” “Tarantula juice”, “Coffin varnish”. “Cellar smeller” – someone looking for a free drink. “Fire extinguisher” – a chaperone. “Struggle buggy”: The back seat of a car, and a parent’s worst nightmare. Not that my parents ever had to worry about me. They think that I’m here in the city working as a secretary. Just for little while, you understand, to help the family back home. Until I get married…they think. They picture me living at a respectable ladies’ boardinghouse, protected from dangerous men – and women - by the ‘safeguards of a good home’. They picture me spending my evenings knitting, my weekends

10 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall chaperoned on outings to ‘improving’ events, such as an afternoon at the museum, lectures or classical concerts. What they don’t know certainly won’t hurt them…or me. And the Sparrow… well, this is my home now. And you – all of you are my family. And besides, if this canary were a secretary, what would all you cats do on a Saturday Night? WE ALL SAVE OUR PENNIES UP FOR SATURDAY NIGHT ‘CAUSE THAT IS THE NIGHT THAT WE GO OUT UPON A SPREE FELLOWS TAKE THEIR GIRLIES OUT ON SATURDAY NIGHT WHEN THEY GET THEIR SALARY HERE’S WHAT I WANT TO FIND OUT HERE’S WHAT I’M WORRIED ABOUT: WHAT’LL WE DO ON A SATURDAY NIGHT WHEN THE TOWN GOES DRY? WHERE WILL WE GO AFTER SEEING A SHOW TO MAKE THE WEARY HOURS FLY IMAGINE A FELLOW WITH A CUTE LITTLE QUEEN TRYING TO WIN HER ON A PLATE OF ICED CREAM WHAT’LL WE DO ON A SATURDAY NIGHT WHEN THE TOWN GOES DRY? WHAT’LL WE DO ON A SATURDAY NIGHT WHEN THE TOWN GOES DRY? WHERE WILL WE GO AFTER SEEING A SHOW TO MAKE THE WEARY HOURS FLY WITH NO PLACE TO SPEND OUR MONEY WE’LL GET OFF CHEAP WE’LL SIT AT HOME AND ROCK THE BABY TO SLEEP WHAT’LL WE DO ON A SATURDAY NIGHT WHEN THE TOWN GOES DRY? A toast, to Carrie Amelia Nation!

Because ladies and gentlemen, if we’re talking Prohibition, we mustn’t forget Carrie! Born in 1846 in rural Kentucky. Her father - a slave-holding plantation owner. Her mother believed herself to be the lady-in-waiting to the Queen of England. Her daughter was committed to a madhouse. Her husband was a preacher with the

11 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall “Disciples of Christ” church. Now, Carrie wrote his sermons. And on Sundays, when she decided her husband had preached enough, she would walk to the front of the church, announce: “That will be about all for today, David!”, shut the bible, hand him his hat and tell him to go home.

And then, in June 1900, things got interesting. Carrie awoke from a dream in which God suggested she go to Kiowa, Kansas and break down a saloon. So…she did. With rocks and a billiard stick. By the time the hotel detective finally got there, he found Carrie beating furiously on the bar with a brass spittoon.

When Carrie got home, her husband David suggested – as a joke – that perhaps she should use a hatchet next time to cause even more damage. Carrie replied: “That’s the most sensible thing you’ve said since I married you.”

From that day forward, Carrie Amelia Nation had a goal: To ‘Carrie A Nation’ (like her name?!) to Temperance. She described herself as: A bulldog running along at the feet of Jesus, barking at what he didn’t like. Over the next 10 years, she was arrested 30 times, for what she called “hatchetations.” She sold souvenir hatchets and photographs of herself at lectures to raise money for bail. She published newsletters: ‘The Hatchet’ and ‘The Smasher’s Mail.’ She even appeared in a vaudeville show about herself.

Other targets of Carrie’s vitriol included: tobacco, corsets, skirts of improper lengths, and… foreign food. In New York City, famous heavyweight bare-knuckle-boxing champion John Sullivan came face-to-face with Carrie Nation in a saloon…and he ran away.

So a toast to Carrie! As reads the inscription on her gravestone: “She hath done what she could.” HURRAH FOR CARRIE NATION WHILE HER HATCHET SHE SWINGS IF YOU’RE HUNTING FOR TROUBLE, COME GET IN THE RING THE SWING OF THE HATCHET IS NOW OUT OF DATE JIU-JITSU AND RACING AND BOXING’S THE GAIT YOU HAVE A JACK JOHNSON AND JIM JEFFRIES PUNCH SO CARRIE, DEAR CARRIE, COME ALONG WITH THE BUNCH AN ALL-AROUND SPORT’S WHAT THE WORLD DEARLY LOVES SO CARRIE, DEAR CARRIE, COME PUT ON THE GLOVES YOU HAVE A JACK JOHNSON AND JIM JEFFRIES PUNCH SO CARRIE, DEAR CARRIE, COME ALONG WITH THE BUNCH AN ALL-AROUND SPORT’S WHAT THE WORLD DEARLY LOVES SO CARRIE, DEAR CARRIE, COME PUT ON THE GLOVES

12 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall I came to New York to sing. At the Cotton Club, at the Apollo… but with 20,000 speakeasies in town, New York is lousy with singers. I always had a swell set of pipes, but I didn’t have the gams to be a dancer. Didn’t want to end up as just a skirt, tied to some palooka… I was a modern woman. A clever woman, more than just a dizzy dame. When Prohibition became the law of the land, a new kind of woman was born: One who left her corsets at home and cut her hair short. Who drank, smoked, and (gasp!) danced with members of the opposite – or same – sex. Who dated publicly instead of chaperoned drawing room courtship. Who instead of a chaste kiss on a satin glove would sit in the back seat of their cars all night, making whoopee until dawn… And the married men – well, instead of going out to the club alone to drink with their friends, they would take their wives along with them. Or they would choose to spend an evening at home, pulling down the shade and hosting a dinner party: The food garnished with parsley, paprika…and accompanied by all the illegal hooch he could find. JONSEY USED TO ROAM STAY AWAY FROM HOME HE’D GO OUT WITH THE BOYS AND LEAVE HIS WIFIE ALL ALONE BUT WHEN THE TOWN WENT DRY JONES BEGAN TO CRY: “WITH NO CAFES OR CABARETS, I KNOW I’M GOING TO DIE!” FOR WEEKS IT HAD HIM WORRIED BUT NOW HE’S FEELING GAY I HEARD HIM TELL A FRIEND OF HIS WHILE ON THE STREET TODAY – SAY! I NEVER KNEW I HAD A WONDERFUL WIFE UNTIL THE TOWN WENT DRY THE WAY I SPENT MY MONEY ON WOMEN WAS A CRIME I FOUND THAT WITH MY WIFE I COULD HAVE HAD A BETTER TIME I SENT HER TO THE COUNTRY AND I’D ALWAYS YELL ‘HOORAY!’ BUT I SAW HER PICTURE IN A BATHING SUIT THE OTHER DAY I NEVER KNEW I HAD A WONDERFUL WIFE UNTIL THE TOWN WENT DRY! I NEVER KNEW I HAD A WONDERFUL WIFE UNTIL THE TOWN WENT DRY!

13 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall I USED TO MAKE EXCUSES AND GO OUT THE CLUB AND WHEN I THINK OF WHAT I’VE MISSED I KNOW I’VE BEEN A DUB TO KEEP HER SHAPE I THOUGHT MY WIFE USED ALL THOSE GIRLISH TRICKS SINCE I’VE STAYED HOME I’VE FOUND OUT SHE’S A PERFECT THIRTY-SIX! I NEVER KNEW I HAD A WONDERFUL WIFE UNTIL THE TOWN WENT DRY! *gasp* Wait! Who’s there? A foot on the stair, an ear to the door… This is still unlawful, you know, for a little bit longer. I think it’s all right though. He’s not out there. And by ‘Him’, I mean ‘Pussyfoot’ Johnson. If you ask me, though, he’s more like a weasel than anything else. A Toast to William Eugene ‘Pussyfoot’ Johnson! Started as an editor of a Temperance newspaper, then joined the anti–Saloon league. He once dumped 25,000 bottles of liquor into the Arkansas River. Arrested over 6000 bootleggers. One group of Saloon-Keepers offered a $3000 reward for his death. Pussyfoot has traveled the world to promote forced temperance. But the results weren’t always how he hoped. In Australia, a parade was held in his honour. But in Windsor, the Canadian city at the hub of "rumrunner" smuggling—the crowd became so hostile that Johnson had to be surrounded by police and whisked back across the river to Detroit. Pussyfoot claimed in his speeches that ‘even the cats and dogs are happier’ with alcohol gone. Well, the American cats and dogs may have liked it – nobody asked them – but the British bulldog had something else to say about it altogether. In London, Pussyfoot was mobbed by students at Essex Hall after one of his fiery speeches. He was hit in the face by a barrage of flour, captured and paraded for hours through London streets on a stretcher. The police, having attempted – and failed – to rescue him, ended up marching alongside the procession. Students chanted: “Pussyfoot, Pussyfoot, why are we here? We've come to prevent you from stopping our beer. “ Well, you know what they say…it’s all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. And… uh… that day Pussyfoot lost his hat. And his composure… And his left eye. I MUST ADMIT, I’D HAVE A FIT IF DEAR OLD ENGLAND GOES DRY WHO’D DO WITHOUT , THEIR GLASS OF STOUT BRANDY OR THEIR BIT OF RYE?

14 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall NEVER TO DRINK, I REALLY THINK I’D MUCH RATHER DIE, OH, STAY AWAY, FADE AWAY PUSSYFOOT FOR THE BULLDOG DON’T LIKE YOU! WHY DON’T YOU STAY IN YOUR USA WAIL IN YOUR OWN BACKYARD WHO ARE YOU, WHERE ARE YOU PUSSYFOOT? DON’T YOU KNOW HE HEARS YOU ‘MEOW’? THOUGH YOU’VE GOT THE PUBLIC PUZZLED THE BULLDOG ISN’T MUZZLED SO GET! SCAT! IS MY ADVICE TO YOU! YOU’D NEED MILK TO MAKE YOU FRISKY BUT GIVE ME GOOD SCOTCH WHISKY SO GET! SCAT! IS MY ADVICE TO YOU A toast – to us! Here’s to the flapper, good and kind/Let’s drink her health in toddy/With nothing much upon her mind/And less upon her body. You boys call us frails – we’re not, you know. Oh sure, we can’t lift a barrel of whiskey without a helping hand, but just because we can’t (mime lifting a barrel) hold our liquor, doesn’t mean we can’t…well, (tap head) hold our liquor. Or, for that matter, become a woman of industry and run a speakeasy. A toast to Mary Louise “Texas” Guinan, the first female Western movie star. When Prohibition began, the mob helped her open her own place. “Texas” was hostess and mistress of ceremonies, with Ziegfeld Follies chorus girls and a full floor show. Regulars at her place included: Rudy Valentino, Charlie Chaplain, Babe Ruth. She used to greet her customers with: “You may be all the world to your mother, but you’re just a cover charge to me.” And then, of course, a toast to Helen Morgan. Born in Toronto, discovered at the age of twelve while singing a French-Canadian ballad from atop the cowcatcher of a locomotive. She was one of the first Torch Singers, and created the role of Julie in Showboat. Helen would perform in Showboat on Broadway in the evening, and then moonlight onstage at her clubs late at night: stretched on the top of a grand piano, Warbling songs of loneliness, of romantic devotion to wayward men, her sultry voice twining through the curling smoke.

15 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall SHADES OF NIGHT ARE FALLING AND I'M LONELY STANDING ON THE CORNER FEELING BLUE SWEETHEARTS OUT FOR FUN, PASS ME ONE BY ONE GUESS I'LL WIND UP LIKE I ALWAYS DO, WITH ONLY

ME AND MY SHADOW STROLLING DOWN THE AVENUE ME AND MY SHADOW NOT A SOUL TO TELL OUR TROUBLES TO

AND WHEN IT'S TWELVE O'CLOCK, WE CLIMB THE STAIR WE NEVER KNOCK, CAUSE NOBODY'S THERE JUST ME AND MY SHADOW ALL ALONE AND FEELING BLUE

ME AND MY SHADOW STROLLING DOWN THE AVENUE

AND WHEN IT'S TWELVE O'CLOCK, WE CLIMB THE STAIR WE NEVER KNOCK, FOR NOBODY'S THERE JUST ME AND MY SHADOW STROLLING DOWN THE AVENUE ALL ALONE AND FEELING BLUE The ‘Three Miler’ – Or ‘Three Mile Limit’ - Cocktail:

1 2 ⁄3 oz. rum, ⁄3 oz. brandy, teaspoon of grenadine, dash of fresh lemon juice, …Shake until chilled, about 15 seconds. Strain into a chilled highball glass and top with lemon twist to garnish. There. The three miler. Created by Chips Brighton at Harry’s New York Bar, and christened after the distance – 3 miles - between American soil and international waters. Three miles – not a long way. You see, when Prohibition was signed into law, a three- mile limit was imposed around the United States. Which, to be honest, didn’t deter anyone from bringing in alcohol, and within weeks of Prohibition rum-running was in full swing. Canadian boats built false bottoms beneath fish bins. High-speed craft were engineered for the ship-to-shore runs, fitted with aircraft engines, armour plating, even machine guns. Rum Row stretched from New York to Atlantic City, with dozens of boats anchored in the water, with signs advertising their wares and free samples on offer. “Cruises to Nowhere” became all the rage, where ships would sail to International waters and just float in circles while the party raged on. In 1924, though, American lawmakers got wise and extended the distance from the shore to international waters from 3 miles…to 12. Twelve miles… And you had better believe that someone named a cocktail after it.

16 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall EVER SINCE THEY PASSED THE PROHIBITION LAW I’VE BEEN PUZZLED OVER SOMETHING THAT I SAW I’VE NOTICED LATELY WHEREVER I GO MOST EVERYBODY IS LEARNING TO ROW THIS IS WHAT’S GETTING MY GOAT EVERYONE’S BUYING A BOAT WHERE DO THEY GO WHEN THEY ROW, ROW, ROW THREE MILES AWAY FROM THE SHORE WHY DO THEY GO THERE, AND WHAT DO THEY GET THEY GO OUT DRY AND THEY COME BACK SO WET WHY DO THEY LOAD UP WITH DOUGH, DOUGH, DOUGH THEY MUST HAVE SOMETHING IN STORE WHY DO YOU SEE EMPTY BOTTLES AFLOAT AND WHY DO THEY ALL COME BACK ROCKING THE BOAT? WHERE DO THEY GO WHEN THEY ROW, ROW, ROW, THREE MILES AWAY FROM THE SHORE? WHERE DO THEY GO WHEN THEY ROW, ROW, ROW THREE MILES AWAY FROM THE SHORE MEN WHO AGREED PROHIBITION WAS RIGHT HIRE A BOAT AND THEN STAY OUT ALL NIGHT WHY DO THEY LOAD UP WITH DOUGH, DOUGH, DOUGH THEY MUST HAVE SOMETHING IN STORE IT’S NOT THE OCEAN, IT MUST BE THE FOAM THAT MAKES LOVING HUSBANDS COME STAGGERING HOME WHERE DO THEY GO WHEN THEY ROW, ROW, ROW THREE MILES AWAY FROM THE SHORE? Okay, now nothing I’m about to say can leave this room. For our safety – for ALL of our safety. Understand? Capiche? But - I mean, we can’t really look back over Prohibition without at least mentioning Alphonse Capone: Opera lover, banjo player, philanthropist – he ran a soup kitchen at the start of the Great Depression. Younger brother of a Prohibition enforcement agent. And boss of the Chicago Outfit, the biggest organized criminal gang that sprung up when lawlessness ruled the day.

17 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall The Chicago Beer Wars. The Bootleg Wars. The Valentine’s Day Massacre, where a dog was the only survivor. Thousands of people killed, lives destroyed… people were so afraid that… well, at the Valentine’s Day shooting, when one dying man, Frank "Tight Lips" Gusenberg, was asked who had riddled his body with 22 bullets, he replied, with his dying breath, "Why…nobody shot me." The thing is, you just don’t refuse the mob. Even if you’re just an entertainer. Jazz pianist Fats Weller was kidnapped at gunpoint to be a surprise guest at Al Capone’s 27th birthday party. He was released three days later, blind drunk, his pockets filled with tips. When comedian Joe Lewis accepted a gig at a speakeasy which was a rival to the one owned by “Machine Gun Jack” McGurn, Capone’s favorite hitman, McGurn sent over three ‘Hatchet Men’ who burst into Lewis’ hotel room, cut out part of his tongue, and gave him a ‘Harlem Sunset’ (make throat slitting motion). Now somehow… SOMEHOW… Joe Lewis didn’t die. Capone got wind of what happened. He was a huge fan of Joe Lewis, said he was the only entertainer who could make him laugh. He paid for Lewis’ medical care, and the gangsters who carried off the botched hit disappeared…forever. Sure, Al Capone may have been involved in a lot of hits. But one of his hits was more of the…music sort. Yes, Alphonse Capone penned a love song, a romantic ballad written just last year in Alcatraz for his wife, Mae, and smuggled out by a visiting priest. And here it is: MADONNA MIA YOU’RE THE BLOOM OF THE ROSES YOU’RE THE CHARM THAT REPOSES IN THE HEART OF A SONG MADONNA MIA WITH YOUR TRUE LOVE TO GUIDE ME LET WHATEVER BETIDE ME I WILL NEVER GO WRONG It’s never exactly been a good time to be Jewish. I mean, people always hated us, they certainly didn’t trust us, and nobody wanted to be us. But then…along came Prohibition. While some people turned to making their own bathtub gin and moonshine, others… discovered another way to get their booze. You see, there was a loophole – a workaround – based on the First Amendment, prohibiting religious discrimination. And because of that, the 6th section of the 18th Amendment specifically allowed for the manufacture and purchase of “sacramental wine” for religious rites. This included Catholics, who used wine for Mass, and us Jews. But the difference was: Catholic Sacramental wine was for church use only. And Jews… well, historically we

18 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall drank our wine at home, unsupervised. So Rabbis were almost the only people in America allowed to legally purchase wine. And in the words of one journalist: “If a man says he’s a rabbi, who’s to say he isn’t?” In some states, a person only needed 10 signatures on a petition in order to get a rabbinical license. Synagogue congregations swelled from a few dozen to thousands of members. So – l’Chaim! And then…there were doctors. Is anyone here a doctor? … Does anyone know a doctor? Because booze has been illegal for over a decade, but not medicinal alcohol… one of the only other legal exceptions to The Volstead Act. Specifically, a pint per patient of whiskey or brandy or gin could be prescribed every ten days by a doctor and dispensed by a pharmacy. Whiskey for a julep? That’s a beverage. No dice. Whiskey for a headache, though…That’s medicine. Thousands of doctors, pharmacists, dentists…even veterinarians, hold permits authorizing them to prescribe alcohol. So, to anyone suffering…from anything: Take two shots of whiskey…and call me in the morning. MOST EVERYBODY YOU MEET NOWADAYS SEEMS TO BE FEELING SO BLUE THEY SAY IT IS AN IMPOSITION TO ENFORCE THIS PROHIBITION AND I THINK SO TOO! BUT CONGRESS HAS GIVEN DOCTORS THE POWER TO HAND OUT THE BRANDY AND RYE AND NOW IN THEIR OFFICE AT ‘MOST ANY HOUR YOU’RE BOUND TO HEAR SOMEBODY CRY OH! DOCTOR, OH! DOCTOR, I’M FEELING BLUE OH! DOCTOR, OH! DOCTOR, IT’S UP TO YOU THE DRUG STORES ON THE CORNERS ARE FILLED WITH LIQUOR MOURNERS I TOLD A DRUG CLERK MY CONDITION

19 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall HE SAID: “GO SEE YOUR PHYSICIAN!” OH! DOCTOR, OH! DOCTOR, DON’T FEEL MY PULSE THAT’S NOT WHAT I NEED FOR RESULTS WRITE THE PRESCRIPTION AND PLEASE MAKE IT SAY “TAKE WITH YOUR MEALS” – I EAT TWELVE TIMES A DAY OH! DOCTOR, OH! DOCTOR, HELP PULL ME THROUGH FOR I’LL NEVER GET WELL TILL YOU DO! A toast… to Canada. Because without our creative friends to the North, we would be a lot thirstier down here. From the secret tunnels in Moose Jaw, which led directly to train tracks heading to America, to the Pacific coast of Victoria, where over a million cases of whiskey were transported over the 15-mile gap between the shores. There was a good profit to be made in Canada: A case of whiskey bought in Quebec for $15 could be sold in New York State for $120. Liquor was smuggled across the border, in touring cars, in boats, in school buses filled with children. And then…there’s Montreal. The most lively, thrilling, decadent city in North America. Just 50 miles from the border, called the “Little Harlem” of the North. Gamblers, racketeers, and the world’s greatest Jazz musicians flocked there. And the next song, well, it’s known as Montreal’s unofficial anthem. I’LL BE LEAVING IN THE SUMMER, AND I WON’T COME BACK ‘TIL FALL GOODBYE BROADWAY, HELLO MONTREAL! WITH A STEIN UPON THE TABLE I’LL BE LAUGHING AT YOU ALL GOODBYE BROADWAY, HELLO MONTREAL! I’M ON MY WAY, I’M ON MY WAY, AND I’LL MAKE WHOOP, WHOOP, WHOOPEY NIGHT AND DAY! ANY TIME MY WIFIE WANTS ME YOU CAN TELL HER WHERE TO CALL: GOODBYE BROADWAY, HELLO MONTREAL! THAT OLD TIN PAIL THAT OLD TIN PAIL

20 © 2021 Melanie Gall, Wendy Gall WAS NEVER MADE TO CARRY GINGER ALE! THERE’LL BE PHOTOGRAPHS OF BREW’RIES ALL AROUND MY BEDROOM WALL GOODBYE BROADWAY, HELLO MONTREAL! And now it’s over. In just a minute or so – over. We get the bum’s rush. The ball is finished, and like modern Cinderellas, we leave music, light and magic behind to stumble off alone into the night. To live our lives as law-abiding citizens. Dinner parties, with wine paired to each course. A friendly cocktail served before dinner in the parlour, a nightcap drunk openly on the porch. How easy…How respectable...How… dreadful. Things have come so far – we can vote! We can dance away the night without our reputation being irrevocably sullied. We can sit at a bar, elbow-to-elbow with strange and exciting men. I don’t… I don’t want it to end. When the clock strikes, does this mean you’ll all leave? Go back to your lives. Without this Speakeasy, , though, what’s left for me – the dutiful life of the spinster: knitting, housework, stifling domesticity? Maybe drink isn’t the only reason you’re here. Maybe it is the music, the feathers, the jugglers, dancing girls, maybe… If you do leave, you’ll come back. Someday. Tomorrow even. But there. It’s time. And I can’t…I’ll just…leave if you want. But you could stay. *COUNTDOWN* (Auld Lang Syne plays, clock strikes. Pause.) You’re still here. You’re STILL HERE. Strike up the band, the party’s just starting! HERE’S TO THE EIGHTEENTH AMENDMENT LONG MAY AMERICA BE DRY THINGS ARE GOING VERY WELL FOR THE GENTLEMEN WHO SELL TO THE MANY THIRSTY GENTLEMEN WHO BUY HERE’S TO MY PAL MISTER VOLSTEAD AND TO THE MEMBERS OF HIS CREW JUST AS LONG AS THERE’S A THROAT FOR WHAT JUST CAME OFF THE BOAT THREE CHEERS FOR THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE!

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