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Openair@RGU the Open Access Institutional OpenAIR@RGU The Open Access Institutional Repository at Robert Gordon University http://openair.rgu.ac.uk This is an author produced version of a paper published in Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace (ISSN 1802-7962) This version may not include final proof corrections and does not include published layout or pagination. Citation Details Citation for the version of the work held in ‘OpenAIR@RGU’: PEDERSEN, S., 2014. Is it Friday yet? Mothers talking about sex online. Available from OpenAIR@RGU. [online]. Available from: http://openair.rgu.ac.uk Citation for the publisher’s version: PEDERSEN, S., 2014. Is it Friday yet? Mothers talking about sex online. Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace, 8 (2), article 4. Copyright Items in ‘OpenAIR@RGU’, Robert Gordon University Open Access Institutional Repository, are protected by copyright and intellectual property law. If you believe that any material held in ‘OpenAIR@RGU’ infringes copyright, please contact [email protected] with details. The item will be removed from the repository while the claim is investigated. Pedersen, S. (2014). Is it Friday yet? Mothers talking about sex online. Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace, 8(2), article 4. doi: 10.5817/CP2014-2-4 Is it Friday yet? Mothers talking about sex online Sarah Pedersen Department of Communication, Marketing and Media, Robert Gordon University, Aberdeen, United Kingdom Abstract Inspired by the media furore over ‘penis beaker gate’ (October 2013), this article investigates the discussion of sex on the UK parenting website Mumsnet. It asks why there was such shock at finding mothers discussing sexual matters online, what types of discussion related to sex can actually be found on Mumsnet and why women use Mumsnet to discuss these matters. It suggests that the Internet in general offers a new place for women to discuss and discover their sexuality and that Mumsnet in particular offers an interactive and anonymous forum for women whose needs in this area are not met by the mainstream media. On Mumsnet women seek advice and support from others in similar situations, attempt to establish ‘norms’ relating to sexual behaviour, and supplement information given by health professionals. Keywords: sex; mothers; Mumsnet Introduction In October 2013 the mass media in the UK was gripped by what became known as ‘penis beaker gate’. A poster with the pseudonym ‘SaraCrewe’ started a thread on the discussion forum of the popular parenting internet site Mumsnet to ask other women whether her partner’s behaviour was normal. She explained that he kept a plastic beaker filled with water by the side of the bed during sex and then ‘dunked’ his penis in afterwards to clean it. The discussion thread attracted hundreds of posts, but 100% of posters assured her that, no, this was not normal behaviour. The thread, which was described in the media in terms that ranged from ‘bawdy’ and ‘funny’ to ‘sleazy’ and ‘obscene’, soon became notorious outside the confines of the Mumsnet boards and was discussed throughout the Internet and in the national and international press. There was a high-brow comment piece in The Guardian newspaper that managed to reference Rousseau and anarcho-feminism (although tongue-in-cheek), reports of the Mumsnet server nearly crashing in The Daily Star and The Mirror newspapers and comment pieces in Cosmopolitan magazine. A male reporter from The Independent ventured onto the Mumsnet site and returned, shaken, to write an article on ‘the darker side of Mumsnet’ having found a thread entitled ‘Just Shagging Part 18’, although he did eventually admit that the thread was a support thread for those trying to conceive naturally (Peck, October 25, 2013). Meanwhile, the doyenne of the Radio 4 programme Woman’s Hour, Jenni Murray, herself a campaigner on issues relating to women’s health, wrote a piece for The Daily Mail detailing her shock and horror at the material she found on the Mumsnet discussion boards. In particular she was upset by a thread entitled ‘Just wondering how often people have sex when you’ve been together and have kids. What’s normal?’ and another written by a poster who was considering engaging in a threesome. Blaming Ann Summers and Fifty Shades of Grey for the sharing of ‘too much information’ on the site, she concluded, ‘I think, in my heart, I feel that what goes on in the bedroom — and I don’t really care what it is as long as no one is coerced, forced or harmed by it — should remain in the bedroom’ (Murray, October 25, 2013, p.16). This article asks why there was such a reaction to the idea of mothers discussing sex online, what exactly the users of Mumsnet are talking about, and why they need to go online to find advice on sex. Why did the revelation that mothers could talk about sex in a humorous, bawdy manner, sharing information and tips, so shock and horrify commentators? It is part of a wider study of Mumsnet that is investigating the uses that women (and some men) make of Mumsnet (see Pedersen & Smithson, 2013, 2010). It is argued that Mumsnet is a place where women can seek the advice and support relating to sexual practices that is difficult to find elsewhere. While women’s magazines frequently run articles on sex, the vast majority of these are aimed at younger women, who are usually not in long-term relationships and have not had children. Neither do parenting magazines offer much advice on the topic of mothers and sexuality (Shipps & Caron, 2013). Advice on immediate post-birth sex and any complications can be accessed from midwives and other health professionals, but there are few places where advice about sex with long-term partners, in the years following childbirth and with the complications of family life, or after divorce with a new partner, or as a middle-aged woman with concerns about her changing body, can be freely accessed. While feminists have criticised the limitations placed on the sex education in school (Frith, 2014), there is even less information available to adults. One place that does offer such information is the Internet, but the use of the Internet for sex-education purposes and the quality of what is available is under researched (Boynton, 2007; Daneback, Månsson, Ross, & Markham, 2012). There is a need to further research the sex advice available through the Internet, which may help us to identify the particular needs of different groups and thus tailor the information provided (Daneback et al., 2012). This article argues that discussion forums such as Mumsnet allow women the opportunity to interact and share experiences and advice anonymously with other women. In particular, they allow women such as SaraCrewe to establish ‘the norm’ without suffering the embarrassment of discussing her personal situation with friends, family or health-care professionals. Literature Review We don’t like to think about our mothers having sex. Studies of the portrayal of mothers in popular media suggest that women can be either mothers or sexual people, but not both, and that the topics of sexuality and motherhood are mutually exclusive (Shipps & Caron, 2013).There is limited discussion of sex in the context of pregnancy and childbirth advice once pregnancy has been achieved, and what discussion there is mostly focuses on ‘post-partum sex’, which is often portrayed as the time when mothers might force themselves to have sex again after childbirth to see ‘if their bits work’. This is not portrayed as an enjoyable act. There is very little written in parenting advice books or magazines about mothers enjoying their sexuality or about the ways in which their sexual desires and concerns might change after childbirth. For example, an analysis of American pregnancy and parenting magazines 1991 to 2011 (Shipps & Caron, 2013) suggested a very limited coverage of issues relating to sex in these magazines, with only 2.3% of articles analysed including content on sexual matters, and the majority of this coverage focusing on the topic of ‘balancing children and a sex life’, with little discussion of issues such as desire or sexual functioning. In addition, what coverage there was assumed that the reader was in a heterosexual marriage. This is also true of the clinical literature – Williamson (2008) points out that health professionals do not readily discuss the sexuality of pregnant or post-partum women and their partners beyond their choice of contraception. At the same time, the media still portrays women as responsible for the marital sexual relationship and also the monitoring of the sexuality of female children (Clarke, 2009; Trice-Black & Foster, 2011). The concept of mothers having sex is problematic, both for wider society and indeed for mothers themselves. Trice-Black (2010) points out that societal definitions of sexuality within the context of motherhood can be particularly challenging. The Madonna/whore dichotomy gives the message that there should be a split between motherhood and sexuality – indeed that a highly sexual woman cannot be a good mother (Friedman, Weinberg, & Pines, 1998). A woman who has been pregnant and given birth will have experienced changes in her body. She – and her partner – can no longer ignore its reproductive function. Breasts have a sexual function before childbirth, but after they have a nurturing and nourishing function (Trice-Black, 2010) – can they be sexy as well? At the same time, women are confronted by images in the media of the new supermom – ‘a seamless, bloodless, stretch-mark-less version of pregnancy and childbirth’, as Zeavin (2011, p. 59) has described her. These issues can be difficult to discuss with either partners or best friends. In her study of mothers’ perceptions of their sexuality, Trice-Black (2010) found that mothers reported discomfort in discussing sexual matters of a serious nature with other women.
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