CREATED BY Nick Kroll | Andrew Goldberg | Mark Levin | Jennifer Flackett
EPISODE 3.02
“Girls Are Angry Too”
When a shop class mishap inspires a sexist dress code, Jessi rebels, Missy struggles to keep her alter ego in check, and Andrew gets a wake-up call.
WRITTEN BY: Hayley Adams | Joellen Redlingshafer | Kelsey Cressman
DIRECTED BY: Bob Suarez
ORIGINAL BROADCAST: October 4, 2019
NOTE: This is a transcription of the spoken dialogue and audio, with time-code reference, provided without cost by 8FLiX.com for your entertainment, convenience, and study. This version may not be exactly as written in the original script; however, the intellectual property is still reserved by the original source and may be subject to copyright.
MAIN EPISODE CAST
Nick Kroll ... Nick Birch / Maury the Hormone Monster / Coach Steve Steve / Rick the Hormone Monster / Lola / Ladybug (voice) John Mulaney ... Andrew Glouberman (voice) Jessi Klein ... Jessi Glaser (voice) Jason Mantzoukas ... Jay Bilzerian / Guy Bilzerian (voice) Jenny Slate ... Missy Foreman-Greenwald / Mirror Missy (voice) Fred Armisen ... Elliot Birch (voice) Maya Rudolph ... Diane Birch / Connie the Hormone Monstress / Miss Clinkscales / Parrot (voice) Jordan Peele ... Cyrus Foreman / Featuring Ludacris (voice) Neil Casey ... Lars (voice) Jessica Chaffin ... Shannon Glaser (voice) Jon Daly ... Judd Birch (voice) Kat Dennings ... Leah Birch (voice) Nathan Fillion ... Nathan Fillion (voice) Ileen Goldsmith ... (voice) Crissy Guerrero ... (voice) Rob Huebel ... Mr. Lizer (voice) Richard Kind ... Marty Glouberman (voice) Jak Knight ... DeVon (voice) Heather Lawless ... Jenna Bilzerian (voice) Paula Pell ... Barbara Glouberman (voice) Chelsea Peretti ... Monica Foreman-Greenwald (voice) Andrew Rannells ... Matthew (voice) June Diane Raphael ... Devin (voice) Gina Rodriguez ... Gina Alvarez (voice) Mark Rivers ... (voice) David Thewlis ... Shame Wizard (voice) Michaela Watkins ... Cantor Dina Reznick (voice) Joe Wengert ... Caleb / Lump Humpman (voice)
1 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:09,676 -Previously on Big Mouth season two, baby! -[school bell rings]
2 00:00:09,759 --> 00:00:12,053 -Boobs! -Boobs, boobs, boobs, boobs!
3 00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:16,141 -Why is everybody so obsessed with boobs? -Your chest is concave.
4 00:00:16,224 --> 00:00:17,392 It's like a spoon.
5 00:00:17,475 --> 00:00:19,477 My mom says I'm going to develop in my own time.
6 00:00:19,561 --> 00:00:22,188 -Hah! You fell for that? -Holy heck!
7 00:00:23,064 --> 00:00:25,442 My girl's parents are going through a dee-vorce!
8 00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:28,361 I am so tired of feeling bad.
9 00:00:28,445 --> 00:00:30,155 I've got it from here, love.
10 00:00:30,238 --> 00:00:31,865 Not the Depression Kitty!
11 00:00:31,948 --> 00:00:33,491 Let go of everything.
12 00:00:33,575 --> 00:00:35,660 -[purring] -This feels so nice.
13 00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,163 [yelps] Who are you?
14 00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:39,456 Who am I?
15 00:00:39,539 --> 00:00:41,666 The Shame Wizard!
16 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:42,751 Oh.
17 00:00:42,834 --> 00:00:45,837 -Slut, Nicky, dick boy, filthy perv... -[yelling]
18 00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:48,339 -Leave us alone! -You truly believe
19 00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:50,967 -you'd be better off without me? -Oh, we know
20 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,094 -we'd be better off without you. -Oh!
21 00:00:53,178 --> 00:00:55,346 A world without shame, baby!
22 00:00:57,807 --> 00:00:58,933 [fire alarm blares]
23 00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,560 Steve, you are fired.
24 00:01:00,643 --> 00:01:03,438 It's gonna be weird not to be Coach Steve any more.
25 00:01:03,521 --> 00:01:05,273 [chuckles] I guess now I'm just...
26 00:01:05,356 --> 00:01:06,191 Coach.
27 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:08,902 God! I love fucking you both.
28 00:01:09,194 --> 00:01:11,154 But in such different ways!
29 00:01:11,237 --> 00:01:13,823 I just need some time to figure out who I am.
30 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,408 I'm the only out kid in the school.
31 00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:17,535 -That's terrifying. -I know.
32 00:01:17,619 --> 00:01:19,412 Holy shit, I think we've got one.
33 00:01:19,496 --> 00:01:20,914 -Bye! -Bye!
34 00:01:20,997 --> 00:01:24,834 I need a new hormone monster, and this time, I want someone good.
35 00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:26,294 [rattling]
36 00:01:27,462 --> 00:01:30,673 Hello, my tasty little tortellini.
37 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:33,885 -Connie? -Baby, you are in very good hands.
38 00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:35,261 Your own!
39 00:01:35,345 --> 00:01:36,763 [groans]
40 00:01:36,846 --> 00:01:38,765 -I know you like me, okay? -Of course!
41 00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:40,683 So why don't you know that you like me?
42 00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:43,311 -Aah, Andrew, you're freaking me out! -Well, Missy--
43 00:01:43,394 --> 00:01:44,479 What happened there, cowboy?
44 00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:48,191 Can't you see what's going on here? He's trying to steal you from me!
45 00:01:48,274 --> 00:01:49,859 -I bet he can walk! -Stop it!
46 00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,111 -[grunting] -[all gasp]
47 00:01:51,194 --> 00:01:54,823 -Are you okay? -Jeez Louise, the optics on this.
48 00:01:54,906 --> 00:01:55,949 [yelling]
49 00:01:56,032 --> 00:01:56,991 [grunting]
50 00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:58,993 [cheering]
51 00:01:59,077 --> 00:02:01,830 -Missy! -Missy!
52 00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:04,165 -Jesus. -That is some weird-ass
53 00:02:04,249 --> 00:02:05,917 toxic max-culinity.
54 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,002 All right! You're all caught up!
55 00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:11,381 Get ready for season three, baby! What are you gonna do?
56 00:02:12,924 --> 00:02:14,342 [birdsong]
57 00:02:14,425 --> 00:02:16,386 [cello music]
58 00:02:18,513 --> 00:02:21,432 "A Chode to Spring" by Maurice Beverley.
59 00:02:21,516 --> 00:02:22,851 [clears throat]
60 00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:26,563 Behold the sun, the fiery anus of the sky
61 00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:29,774 Melting away the woolen clothes of winter
62 00:02:29,858 --> 00:02:33,736 Exposing skin, sweet flesh A budding side-boob
63 00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:37,949 A peek of midriff and legs, legs, legs
64 00:02:38,032 --> 00:02:42,704 Lean haunches Squatting low beside a bike rack
65 00:02:42,787 --> 00:02:44,789 Revealing a butt crack
66 00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:48,293 Oh, glorious spring, a rebirth!
67 00:02:48,376 --> 00:02:50,670 A fresh start for everyone
68 00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:53,381 Except you, Andrew Glouberman.
69 00:02:53,464 --> 00:02:55,884 Ugh. Do you think everyone remembers?
70 00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:58,511 -[grunts] -Oh, my goodness, Lars!
71 00:02:58,595 --> 00:02:59,929 They do now.
72 00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:01,806 -[groans] -I told you he needed that chair.
73 00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:04,684 Yes, obviously. In retrospect, he needed the wheelchair.
74 00:03:05,310 --> 00:03:06,436 I think.
75 00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:10,231 Andrew, I made you a doghouse. Get in, you bald bitch.
76 00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:12,358 I thought you said it was growing in nicely?
77 00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,235 Look, I think you're gorgeous.
78 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:16,654 Uh, everyone, I have a brief statement.
79 00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:18,865 These past two weeks have been a difficult,
80 00:03:18,948 --> 00:03:21,534 but very necessary, learning experience for me.
81 00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:24,954 And frankly, I'm ready to rejoin the middle school community
82 00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:27,081 and pretend that none of this ever happened.
83 00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:28,833 Can you believe this guy?
84 00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:31,252 Just waltzing in here like nothing happened?
85 00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:33,379 It just makes me so, so--
86 00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,256 It's okay, Missy, he's not worth our energy.
87 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,342 You're right, I just need to cool down
88 00:03:37,425 --> 00:03:39,302 and go to my happy place.
89 00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:40,595 [exhales]
90 00:03:40,678 --> 00:03:42,222 Oh, Missy, this is the life.
91 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:43,598 Indeed, Nathan Fillion.
92 00:03:43,681 --> 00:03:46,476 There's nothing more gratifying than flying through the cosmos,
93 00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:48,019 spreading peace and understanding.
94 00:03:48,102 --> 00:03:51,231 Yes, if only our space janitor was doing his job.
95 00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:52,190 You know what, folks,
96 00:03:52,273 --> 00:03:54,901 it's not that easy flinging shit out of the window by hand.
97 00:03:54,984 --> 00:03:57,070 [chuckling] Oh, please. Monkeys do it every day.
98 00:03:57,153 --> 00:04:00,573 Oh, Nathan, your wit is only matched by your fat package.
99 00:04:01,282 --> 00:04:02,450 [sighs]
100 00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:05,036 Fat package. I feel better now.
101 00:04:05,411 --> 00:04:06,996 What does Lars have that I don't?
102 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,623 Well, for starters, a full head of hair.
103 00:04:08,706 --> 00:04:11,167 You look like a coconut that fell into a campfire.
104 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,752 -[chuckling] -Andrew! Focus up!
105 00:04:12,835 --> 00:04:14,879 We're supposed to be making a shit-sucking birdhouse!
106 00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:15,880 Why is he so angry?
107 00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:18,841 Well, because Jay has quit masturbating for a currently unknown,
108 00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:20,468 but, I'm sure, very fucked-up reason.
109 00:04:20,551 --> 00:04:22,971 It's definitely not because I banged a male couch cushion,
110 00:04:23,054 --> 00:04:25,265 and now my dick is confused about who she wants to fuck!
111 00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:26,933 Hold on. You think your dick is a woman?
112 00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,102 Yeah! I'm not gay, dude.
113 00:04:29,185 --> 00:04:31,145 So you're not gonna jerk off at all?
114 00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:33,356 -You're just going cold turkey? -Cold turkey?
115 00:04:33,439 --> 00:04:36,442 If I was gonna fuck a turkey, I would warm it up,
116 00:04:36,526 --> 00:04:38,653 like a goddamn gentleman!
117 00:04:38,736 --> 00:04:40,238 I bet you 20 bucks,
118 00:04:40,321 --> 00:04:43,074 by the end of this episode, that boy's gonna bone a turkey.
119 00:04:43,157 --> 00:04:47,120 Oh, man, gulp-a-roni! Look at all that exposed skin.
120 00:04:47,495 --> 00:04:51,541 Hey, Jay, why don't you baste me? Gobble, gobble.
121 00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:53,710 Hey, bro, what about me?
122 00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:55,712 I wanna get stuffed too.
123 00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:56,671 Ohhh!
124 00:04:56,754 --> 00:04:59,590 -Look at that crispy, buttery skin. -What?
125 00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:00,925 -[Jay groans] -[Andrew screams]
126 00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:03,720 -My favorite finger! [yelps] -[all gasping]
127 00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:05,638 -[class clamoring] -Oh, my God!
128 00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:07,515 Andrew just fingered me.
129 00:05:07,598 --> 00:05:09,517 [yelling]
130 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:10,435 Fuck!
131 00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:18,693 ♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪
132 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:27,910 ♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪
133 00:05:28,661 --> 00:05:30,621 ♪ Oh, in my life ♪
134 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:35,293 ♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪
135 00:05:43,801 --> 00:05:44,761 [Marty] Oh, please.
136 00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:47,680 Your barbaric boy maimed my idiot son.
137 00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:50,516 And the trials of Andrew Glouberman continue.
138 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:53,019 -You're gonna pay for this, Guy. -I'm not paying for shit.
139 00:05:53,102 --> 00:05:56,314 It's not Jay's fault, he was distracted. These girls are dressed like whores.
140 00:05:56,397 --> 00:05:58,232 And the guys are dressed like straight-up hunks.
141 00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:00,526 -What the hell are you talking about? -Myself. I'm a hunk.
142 00:06:00,610 --> 00:06:03,780 And if that makes me gay, then I should probably just go and what?
143 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:06,824 I don't know, jerk off? Sh-Should I? Is that a nod?
144 00:06:06,908 --> 00:06:08,576 Couldn't we have done separate meetings?
145 00:06:08,659 --> 00:06:12,663 My name is Jay's Mom and I'm an alcoholic.
146 00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:15,124 I'm not payin' for this crazy woman's bullshit rehab.
147 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,335 Stop quoting my legendary law commercials.
148 00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:20,838 Look, folks, I have 49 days until retirement.
149 00:06:21,714 --> 00:06:22,590 And?
150 00:06:22,673 --> 00:06:24,884 That's it. That's my take on this clothing issue.
151 00:06:24,967 --> 00:06:26,969 I hear you all, I really do.
152 00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:30,390 As Dean of Student Life, I think I have a solution.
153 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:32,558 -[feedback whistles] -Okay, let's dialogue.
154 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:37,313 So, we all agree there's a lot of toxic masculinity at this school, right?
155 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:39,315 -Yeah, the other day I was-- -Hey, Jessi.
156 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,484 Now's the time to listen, okay?
157 00:06:41,567 --> 00:06:44,362 Now, clearly, the male students can't control themselves.
158 00:06:44,445 --> 00:06:46,572 -They're animals, that's not their fault. -What?
159 00:06:46,656 --> 00:06:49,450 So, to protect our strong, empowered women
160 00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:51,911 from the white-hot male gaze...
161 00:06:51,994 --> 00:06:54,497 Oh! More like white-hot male glaze.
162 00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:56,749 [groans] My balls are about to shit.
163 00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:58,668 ...we'll be implementing a dress code.
164 00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:00,420 -Dress code? What? -Oh, what?
165 00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:01,337 Ah, come on!
166 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:04,090 Why don't you just teach the boys some impulse control?
167 00:07:04,173 --> 00:07:05,341 Well, that seems hard.
168 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:08,219 Now, to show you what students can no longer wear,
169 00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:09,887 here is Lola Skumpy.
170 00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:10,805 Lola?
171 00:07:10,888 --> 00:07:13,266 Now, all you fuckwads who say I'm not a model
172 00:07:13,349 --> 00:07:15,309 can munch my brunch hole.
173 00:07:15,393 --> 00:07:18,938 No leggings, jeggings, short skirts, short shorts,
174 00:07:19,021 --> 00:07:21,732 tank tops, crop tops, halter tops or tramp stamps.
175 00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:26,279 'Cause this is my money maker and you don't get a receipt.
176 00:07:26,362 --> 00:07:29,365 Um... Okay. I'm sorry, but those are all girl clothes.
177 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:32,452 Apology accepted, Missy, but you know what? Why don't you stand up?
178 00:07:32,785 --> 00:07:34,954 -Uh... -Now everybody look at Missy.
179 00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:38,291 There's absolutely nothing provocative about her clothing.
180 00:07:38,374 --> 00:07:42,420 The way she's dressed, she could be a boy, or a girl, or a Minion
181 00:07:42,503 --> 00:07:44,547 -from the Despicable Me franchise. -What?
182 00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:47,216 Some of you sexy girls should be more like Missy.
183 00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:49,260 Oh, God, my happy place.
184 00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:51,637 [sighs] That's better.
185 00:07:51,721 --> 00:07:54,390 Captain, since you're such a nice space girl,
186 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:57,435 I want you to transport a dangerous prisoner,
187 00:07:57,518 --> 00:08:00,813 the most shrill and unhinged young woman in the galaxy.
188 00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:04,192 You got that right. What's up, mother truckers?
189 00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:08,070 Oh, no! It's my angry psycho clone, Mirror Missy.
190 00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:10,490 I'm a bad B with a big itch,
191 00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:13,784 and I'm gonna scratch your eyes out and finger fudge the holes.
192 00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:16,496 -Ooh. She's unpleasant. -Why is she so scary?
193 00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:19,457 Men are threatened by women who don't shy away from conflict.
194 00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:22,502 I'm sorry, Commander, but we cannot transport this prisoner.
195 00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:25,755 -This is a peaceful ship. -[Mirror Missy] More like a piece of shit!
196 00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:27,131 Andrew's holding a piece of shit.
197 00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:30,384 Well, I'd rather have a piece of shit than a fat package.
198 00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:31,594 -Really? -No.
199 00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:34,847 Captain, you serve at the pleasure of the Federation.
200 00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:37,517 Be a sweetheart and do as you're told, sweetheart.
201 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:39,018 Um... Okay.
202 00:08:39,101 --> 00:08:41,687 And so, in summary, great job, Missy.
203 00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:43,648 Way to dress like a unisex toddler.
204 00:08:43,731 --> 00:08:44,774 -Thank you? -You're welcome.
205 00:08:44,857 --> 00:08:46,400 Missy, you did not just thank him.
206 00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:48,778 Yeah, I heard it, I don't know why I just did that.
207 00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:50,238 Hey, Lizer, would you like to speak
208 00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:52,657 to how this dress code will affect the boys?
209 00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:54,033 Oh, shut up.
210 00:08:54,116 --> 00:08:56,327 Thank you, Jessi, I was just gonna get to that.
211 00:08:56,410 --> 00:09:00,706 The boys are not allowed to wear T-shirts with curse words
212 00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,667 or luchador masks.
213 00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:05,002 I feel personally targeted.
214 00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:07,421 Ugh! Lizer's infuriating.
215 00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:09,423 That fake feminist motherfucker!
216 00:09:09,507 --> 00:09:11,175 Let's burn his Chevy Volt.
217 00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:13,886 Why are you so angry? You don't even wear those clothes.
218 00:09:13,970 --> 00:09:16,764 Yeah, she always wears red pants and a purple shirt.
219 00:09:16,847 --> 00:09:19,767 Nick, that's not the point. It's the whole sexist,
220 00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:21,894 "You're asking for it in that short skirt" thing.
221 00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:23,020 It's called rape culture.
222 00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:25,773 Whoa-oh-oh! Oh-ho! Droppin' the R word over here.
223 00:09:25,856 --> 00:09:29,527 Jessi, I admire your passion, but I think we should all just calm down.
224 00:09:29,610 --> 00:09:31,362 No! The girls should not be punished
225 00:09:31,445 --> 00:09:33,823 because the boys won't control themselves.
226 00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:36,325 We can't control ourselves, Jessi! You heard Lizer.
227 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:39,537 Boys are animals, full of cum and fury.
228 00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:41,330 Is that true? Are we animals?
229 00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:44,166 -Is that why I freaked out on Lars? -Yeah, you're animals.
230 00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:45,960 I mean, have you seen the boys' bathroom?
231 00:09:46,043 --> 00:09:48,170 It's like the toilet's a suggestion.
232 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:51,924 Hey, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think Jay is right.
233 00:09:52,008 --> 00:09:52,883 -What? -Fuck, yeah!
234 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,093 Jay's never been right.
235 00:09:54,176 --> 00:09:56,012 Well I do feel out of control all the time
236 00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:58,973 and I think I'm gonna use that as an excuse for my actions.
237 00:09:59,056 --> 00:10:02,977 No. Because that's-- That just means that you can just do whatever you want
238 00:10:03,060 --> 00:10:05,396 and cut off fingers and pull wheelchairs out of people.
239 00:10:05,479 --> 00:10:07,523 -Missy, you sound crazy right now. -Oh.
240 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:11,694 Just jerk yourself off and get your shit together!
241 00:10:12,486 --> 00:10:16,407 I'm gonna blast you out of the universe, you science lesbo.
242 00:10:16,490 --> 00:10:17,825 Missy, we can't take another hit.
243 00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:19,660 We should surrender, he's a mad man.
244 00:10:19,744 --> 00:10:21,454 Fire back! Right in the crack!
245 00:10:21,537 --> 00:10:23,998 But he's so loud and confident, I can't even think.
246 00:10:24,081 --> 00:10:27,168 So don't, dork, just blast his butt wide open!
247 00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:29,754 No, Missy! Your non-confrontational nature is one of the things
248 00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:31,213 I find most attractive about you.
249 00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:34,008 Okay, yeah. Uh.... evasive maneuvers!
250 00:10:34,091 --> 00:10:35,343 Retreat, retreat!
251 00:10:35,426 --> 00:10:37,136 Whatever, never mind. I mean, I love science!
252 00:10:37,219 --> 00:10:39,597 And if I were a lesbian, that would be fine! What? Oh!
253 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,932 Hah! Did you guys see me win that conversation?
254 00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:44,268 She walked away making flustered noises.
255 00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:46,187 You guys are all such pigs.
256 00:10:46,270 --> 00:10:48,606 Yeah, y'all are raw, dirty pigs,
257 00:10:48,689 --> 00:10:50,358 filled with trichinosis and worms!
258 00:10:50,441 --> 00:10:52,443 Me? Hold on. Jessi, what did I do?
259 00:10:52,526 --> 00:10:54,820 Yeah, what did he do? He just stood there and said nothin'--
260 00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:57,365 Oh. You just stood there and said nothin'!
261 00:10:57,448 --> 00:11:00,159 Like Billy Bush! I miss him on Extra!
262 00:11:02,453 --> 00:11:05,039 It's the first day of the dress code at Bridgeton Middle,
263 00:11:05,122 --> 00:11:07,750 and things are already super weird.
264 00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:09,835 -Uh... Too short over here. [chuckles] -Ugh.
265 00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:11,921 You'll be wearing the Grimace costume today.
266 00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:14,256 That's right, folks, the offending girls have to wear
267 00:11:14,340 --> 00:11:16,175 the excess wardrobe from the fall play,
268 00:11:16,258 --> 00:11:18,219 The Ronald McDonalogues.
269 00:11:18,302 --> 00:11:19,762 ♪ Ba-da-da-da-daaa ♪
270 00:11:19,845 --> 00:11:21,347 I'm really enjoying this.
271 00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:24,266 Excuse my French, but isn't this a little bit bogus?
272 00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:27,645 Yeah! I can't believe he made me the Hamburglar!
273 00:11:27,728 --> 00:11:32,066 Even though I do steal burgers from McDonald's. Rubble, rubble.
274 00:11:32,149 --> 00:11:36,737 It is bananas that we have to dress up like fast-food mascots or get sent home.
275 00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:38,989 Ugh, this costume is ridiculous,
276 00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:41,450 -I'm gonna have to get naked to shit. -Uh...
277 00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:44,537 Yes, I'm an attractive woman and I shit.
278 00:11:44,620 --> 00:11:47,164 Devin, she's just like us.
279 00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:51,627 You know what, we should all just wear our sluttiest outfits tomorrow.
280 00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,755 That's... actually not a bad idea.
281 00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:56,549 It could be like a form of protest.
282 00:11:56,632 --> 00:11:58,384 Yeah, protests are cool now.
283 00:11:58,467 --> 00:12:02,513 Hold on. Are you suggesting, like, an Amber Rose Slut Walk?
284 00:12:02,596 --> 00:12:04,432 Ooh! I love that.
285 00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:08,227 Um... "Do we really wanna call ourselves the S-word?" is the question.
286 00:12:08,310 --> 00:12:10,020 All right, pitching...
287 00:12:10,104 --> 00:12:13,107 What about, "A bunch of skanks walking the plank?"
288 00:12:13,190 --> 00:12:16,694 Yeah, let's be sexy pirates with peg legs made of dildos.
289 00:12:16,777 --> 00:12:19,989 Let's just stick with Slut Walk. We're gonna take back that word.
290 00:12:20,072 --> 00:12:24,452 I'm Captain Jack-off My Sparrow, I loves red wine and scarves.
291 00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:25,995 Bwark! Free the nipple.
292 00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:28,956 Um... Mom, do you have any sexy clothes?
293 00:12:29,039 --> 00:12:32,626 Mm, I have a corduroy photographer's vest that won't unzip.
294 00:12:32,710 --> 00:12:34,712 -Is that what you mean? -I don't think so.
295 00:12:34,795 --> 00:12:35,921 Why do you ask, firefly?
296 00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:39,425 Well, um, all of the girls are wearing sexy clothes tomorrow,
297 00:12:39,508 --> 00:12:41,510 -to protest the dress code-- -Protest?
298 00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:44,722 That's important work. Do you want some bras to burn?
299 00:12:44,805 --> 00:12:46,557 That's the only reason I have them.
300 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,935 But don't give them all away. I use one of them to gather radishes.
301 00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:54,857 Huh. Okay, I'm not sure I actually feel comfortable dressing provocatively.
302 00:12:54,940 --> 00:12:58,319 Well, it's your choice how to dress. That's the whole point of the protest.
303 00:12:58,402 --> 00:12:59,612 I can just wear my overalls?
304 00:12:59,695 --> 00:13:01,781 -Of course you can. -Oh, thank goodness!
305 00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:04,658 And just to be clear, I put the radishes in the bra.
306 00:13:04,742 --> 00:13:06,243 -I don't wear the bra. -Okay, Dad.
307 00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:09,830 Great, just as long as we're on the same page about the radish bra.
308 00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:11,749 -Do I wear it? -No!
309 00:13:11,832 --> 00:13:14,668 And then Jessi called us pigs, and none of it was my fault.
310 00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:16,670 Well, did you speak up on behalf of the girls?
311 00:13:16,754 --> 00:13:18,172 What? No, why would I do that?
312 00:13:18,255 --> 00:13:21,926 Because your dumbass, misogynist friends might listen to you.
313 00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:24,762 Yeah, but I don't wanna be the guy that tells other guys
314 00:13:24,845 --> 00:13:27,097 -they're being misogynistic. -Well, why not?
315 00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:29,183 -Because they'll call him a pussy. -Thank you, Judd.
316 00:13:29,266 --> 00:13:32,353 Since when did being called a beautiful genital
317 00:13:32,436 --> 00:13:33,521 -become an insult? -[groans]
318 00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:35,815 I must have missed that lesson at Man University.
319 00:13:35,898 --> 00:13:38,108 You guys don't understand the politics of childhood.
320 00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:40,694 Nicky, the girls are going through something right now,
321 00:13:40,778 --> 00:13:44,824 and you can either be an ally, or an asshole, like Judd.
322 00:13:44,907 --> 00:13:47,576 I'm a gaping asshole. Respect my truth.
323 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,788 Well, if you're a pussy and you're a gaping asshole,
324 00:13:50,871 --> 00:13:53,999 then I must be the world's luckiest taint.
325 00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:55,084 [giggles] Mm!
326 00:13:55,167 --> 00:13:56,001 [dog barking]
327 00:13:57,002 --> 00:13:58,671 Whoa. Um...
328 00:13:58,754 --> 00:14:00,798 What are you wearing, Jessi Bear?
329 00:14:00,881 --> 00:14:02,299 We're protesting the dress code.
330 00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:05,177 That's great, but that's a lot of skin.
331 00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:07,805 -Are you saying that my body's not my own? -Of course not.
332 00:14:07,888 --> 00:14:10,432 That I don't know what I'm doing and that I'm objectifying myself
333 00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:12,601 and maybe this is a terrible idea and I should just--
334 00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,770 I think you look really powerful, Jessi.
335 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:17,439 -Oh. Thank you. -Yeah. Thank you, Dina.
336 00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:20,651 Oh, shit! Cantor Dina likes it?
337 00:14:20,734 --> 00:14:24,071 -Is this whole thing a mistake? -I don't know, but we're in too deep.
338 00:14:24,154 --> 00:14:25,906 I already got a tramp stamp.
339 00:14:25,990 --> 00:14:27,366 It says "Slut Walk," right?
340 00:14:27,741 --> 00:14:28,742 Um...
341 00:14:29,451 --> 00:14:33,080 Ladies and gentlemen, mesdames and monsieurs, bienvenue!
342 00:14:33,163 --> 00:14:37,084 The filthy tweenage girls of Bridgeton Middle present,
343 00:14:37,167 --> 00:14:38,586 "The Slut Walk."
344 00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:40,004 ♪ Sluts ♪
345 00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:43,465 -♪ Come on, girls ♪ -♪ Ooh ♪
346 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:47,052 ♪ Don't need the man up in our business ♪
347 00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:50,931 ♪ Don't need permission or forgiveness ♪
348 00:14:51,223 --> 00:14:55,102 ♪ We're gonna strut and stride You'd better step aside ♪
349 00:14:55,185 --> 00:14:57,897 -♪ For the slut walk ♪ -♪ Slut walk ♪
350 00:14:58,772 --> 00:15:02,151 ♪ There ain't no jive in our gyration ♪
351 00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:05,988 ♪ Prepare to submit to Slut Nation ♪
352 00:15:06,488 --> 00:15:08,240 ♪ We're gonna show some skin ♪
353 00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:10,159 ♪ The revolution will begin ♪
354 00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:12,995 -♪ With the slut walk ♪ -♪ Slut walk ♪
355 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:17,416 ♪ You're fired up and filthy And we like it a lot ♪
356 00:15:17,666 --> 00:15:21,003 ♪ Who knew that civil disobedience Could be so hot? ♪
357 00:15:21,086 --> 00:15:21,921 I did.
358 00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:25,257 ♪ Keep it in your pants, boys It's not for you ♪
359 00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:29,094 ♪ We thought you wanted our attention Wait, now we're confused ♪
360 00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:31,639 Being a cock tease is every woman's right.
361 00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:33,182 -Well, not exactly. - ♪ Slut walkin' ♪
362 00:15:33,265 --> 00:15:35,351 These feminists make my underwear tight.
363 00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:36,685 I think you missed the point.
364 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,562 It's empowering to be jiggly,
365 00:15:38,646 --> 00:15:40,356 -hot and twerky. -What?
366 00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:44,193 ♪ I wanna baste you Like a Thanksgivin' turkey ♪
367 00:15:44,276 --> 00:15:45,194 Okay, stop.
368 00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:47,571 -♪ Slut walkin' ♪ -Stop! Stop the music!
369 00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:49,114 That was fun, what just happened?
370 00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:50,908 I though we were really finding our groove.
371 00:15:50,991 --> 00:15:52,993 You guys are being disgusting!
372 00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:56,288 So much skin! Uh, sex... Uh... meat! Sex meat!
373 00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:59,416 -[barking and howling] -Jesus, Jay, just go jerk off already!
374 00:15:59,500 --> 00:16:02,419 Oh, my God, you guys are all, like, total animals.
375 00:16:02,503 --> 00:16:05,255 Exactly. That's what I've been saying, we're animals.
376 00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:08,384 You're not animals, stop saying that.
377 00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:11,220 Well, why don't you stop telling me what I can and can't say?
378 00:16:11,303 --> 00:16:13,389 Yeah, this country was built on hate speech!
379 00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:16,517 -How about this? Stop being a creep! -I'm not being a creep.
380 00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,185 You're the ones that dressed up all sexy,
381 00:16:18,268 --> 00:16:20,187 and then you get mad at us for saying you're sexy.
382 00:16:20,270 --> 00:16:22,272 -What do you bitches want from us? -[all gasp]
383 00:16:22,356 --> 00:16:23,941 -Bitches? -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
384 00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:26,443 Andrew, they're not bitches, they're sluts.
385 00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:27,695 Don't call us sluts!
386 00:16:27,778 --> 00:16:30,531 -But you're calling yourselves sluts. -We're allowed.
387 00:16:30,614 --> 00:16:33,450 Look, I'm just trying to be an ally to women.
388 00:16:34,868 --> 00:16:36,620 Why are you taking the girls' side?
389 00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:39,039 -Yeah, you're a pussy. -Oh, no. Judd was right!
390 00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:41,041 I bet you have a pussy. Let me see it.
391 00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:43,168 I can't win. What the hell am I supposed to do?
392 00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:45,713 I don't know. Apologize on a podcast?
393 00:16:46,213 --> 00:16:47,464 Oh. Am I late?
394 00:16:47,548 --> 00:16:50,217 Yes, Missy, and you're not wearing the right clothes either.
395 00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:51,635 But didn't you see my sign?
396 00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:54,054 Who cares? You're, like, a traitor to your gender.
397 00:16:54,138 --> 00:16:57,474 Okay, I will process that social pain on my own time.
398 00:16:57,558 --> 00:16:59,727 Uh, Jessi, could I get a little backup here?
399 00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:02,604 I mean, that is just what you wear every day.
400 00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:04,565 Why do you always have to be such a goody-goody?
401 00:17:04,648 --> 00:17:06,233 But wha...
402 00:17:06,316 --> 00:17:07,401 [Jessi] You betrayed us!
403 00:17:07,484 --> 00:17:08,902 Die, Space Judas!
404 00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:11,905 You're just like when I testified against my mom.
405 00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:13,949 Missy, the ship has sustained too much damage
406 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,910 from the previous attacks, and Andrew's clogged the toilet.
407 00:17:16,994 --> 00:17:18,746 And I still have more to give.
408 00:17:18,829 --> 00:17:22,166 You gotta get pissed! Fire back at those fudging girls!
409 00:17:22,249 --> 00:17:25,377 I can't! I'm likable, that's my thing.
410 00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:27,671 Well, then, let me out! I'll do it.
411 00:17:27,755 --> 00:17:29,506 -No! -The ship is malfunctioning.
412 00:17:29,590 --> 00:17:31,675 And the toilet's overflowing, Andrew!
413 00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:34,511 -[Andrew] I'm sorry. -Whoo-hoo! I'm free, bitches!
414 00:17:34,595 --> 00:17:35,721 [Caleb groans]
415 00:17:35,804 --> 00:17:37,556 Oh, no, the prisoner escaped!
416 00:17:37,639 --> 00:17:40,642 What am I gonna-- No. Oh, no, no.
417 00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:43,979 [sobbing] I just wanted to... be a... part of this.
418 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,647 Ew! You're crying now?
419 00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:49,234 -Classic girl move. -Oh. Now she's yelling and she's crying.
420 00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:52,029 You know what? This might be my morning soda talking,
421 00:17:52,112 --> 00:17:55,157 but fuck everybody, I'm outta here.
422 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:58,577 And all the clocks in this school are showing different times.
423 00:17:58,660 --> 00:17:59,495 [tutting]
424 00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:00,996 Well, well, well.
425 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:04,416 It looks like the girls have "gone wild," as they say.
426 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,835 We're protesting, your sexist dress code.
427 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,420 And because of that, guess what,
428 00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:10,672 you all just got yourselves detention after school.
429 00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:13,092 My classroom, girls, do not change clothes.
430 00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:15,385 We're not girls, we're ladies.
431 00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:16,553 Oof!
432 00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,765 Fuck, my cock-sucking ankle.
433 00:18:20,307 --> 00:18:22,142 I mean, they say they don't want us to look,
434 00:18:22,226 --> 00:18:24,478 but then they're parading around in these short skirts.
435 00:18:24,561 --> 00:18:27,689 -These prude-sluts are so confusing. -I can't even think straight.
436 00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:30,234 You know what you need to do? Ah! Put your opinion online.
437 00:18:30,317 --> 00:18:31,860 Don't think-- Shout out to UCB.
438 00:18:31,944 --> 00:18:34,196 Fuck it, we'll do it live! Shout out to Bill O'Reilly.
439 00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:38,200 Hey, what's up family? It's Fart Boy, you know me.
440 00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:39,868 I farted into a dumpster.
441 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,370 I ripped one into a dirty puddle.
442 00:18:41,453 --> 00:18:43,997 But I'm not here to fart today. I'm here to toot the truth.
443 00:18:44,081 --> 00:18:45,457 -Toot, toot. -Can you smell it?
444 00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:47,793 'Cause it's not silent, but it is deadly.
445 00:18:47,876 --> 00:18:49,586 Holy cow, Andrew, this is perfect.
446 00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:52,256 -What do women want? -Shout out to my boy, Mel Gibson.
447 00:18:52,339 --> 00:18:53,799 'Cause I don't know.
448 00:18:53,882 --> 00:18:55,217 There was this girl, okay,
449 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:58,053 and I tried bein' the sweet guy they're always sayin' they want--
450 00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,639 -But they don't want no nice guy. -And she dumped me.
451 00:19:00,722 --> 00:19:02,975 -Ooh! -So then I tried to be the cool guy.
452 00:19:03,058 --> 00:19:05,060 -Kangol hat, y'all. -But she didn't like that either,
453 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,563 'cause I guess I pulled a kid out of a wheelchair or something?
454 00:19:07,646 --> 00:19:08,605 Fake news.
455 00:19:08,689 --> 00:19:11,024 Guys, it's just hard to be a boy these days.
456 00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:13,068 Hard out here for a Fart Boy! Fart fart!
457 00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,444 Anyone else feelin' me?
458 00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:15,988 Less talk, more farts.
459 00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:17,698 Press your ass against the camera and fart.
460 00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:19,992 Please check out my fart videos! Big fan!
461 00:19:20,075 --> 00:19:22,995 Hey, man, there are a lot of guys out there who feel the same way.
462 00:19:23,078 --> 00:19:23,912 Really?
463 00:19:25,914 --> 00:19:26,748 Hey, should I go?
464 00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:29,168 Meet up with a bunch of random men from the Internet?
465 00:19:29,251 --> 00:19:30,836 Um, yes, please.
466 00:19:31,461 --> 00:19:33,964 It's completely unfair the girls got detention.
467 00:19:34,047 --> 00:19:35,883 Have they repealed the First Amendment yet?
468 00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:39,303 Look, as a Fox News Jew, I think they were dressed like trollops.
469 00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:42,598 Well, as an NPR woman, who was born Jewish,
470 00:19:42,681 --> 00:19:46,810 but no longer practices Judaism, I think the boys acted terribly.
471 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:49,479 God, you're so shrill. You sound like a goddamn teapot!
472 00:19:49,563 --> 00:19:52,733 -Don't talk to my wife like that. -I don't need you to defend me, Cyrus.
473 00:19:52,816 --> 00:19:57,821 My name is Jay's Mom and I have a secret daughter.
474 00:19:57,905 --> 00:19:59,323 -Sit down! -Damn it, Lizer!
475 00:19:59,406 --> 00:20:01,700 You did a dress code, and it didn't work!
476 00:20:01,783 --> 00:20:03,952 So what are you gonna do now, you weasel schmuck?
477 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:04,870 Uh...
478 00:20:04,953 --> 00:20:07,456 -Yeah, what are you gonna do? -Uniforms?
479 00:20:07,539 --> 00:20:11,251 -Uniforms? -Stiff, scratchy, unattractive uniforms?
480 00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:14,087 I, for one, wanna hear more about that secret daughter.
481 00:20:14,713 --> 00:20:17,132 Ugh! I look like a fucking Mormon.
482 00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,092 -Hey. -Oh, good, you look like shit too.
483 00:20:19,176 --> 00:20:20,761 Whoa. What's your problem?
484 00:20:20,844 --> 00:20:23,847 -I'm pissed off, asshole! -She's pissed off, asshole!
485 00:20:23,931 --> 00:20:26,558 Look, I get it, it sucks that you got detention.
486 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:30,020 Come on, give him a break, he's sympathetic.
487 00:20:30,103 --> 00:20:32,940 You don't get it. You don't know what it's like being a girl.
488 00:20:33,023 --> 00:20:34,983 -People tell you what to wear! -I just--
489 00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:37,152 The whole world tells you how big your boobs should be.
490 00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:38,528 -Really? -And you called us sluts!
491 00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:41,281 Well, I'm sorry for all of that stuff,
492 00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:43,367 but, Jessi, I'm on your side.
493 00:20:43,450 --> 00:20:45,452 I just literally don't know what to do.
494 00:20:45,535 --> 00:20:47,204 Well, I don't know exactly either!
495 00:20:47,287 --> 00:20:50,249 I think it might just be this long conversation we all have to keep having!
496 00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:52,626 -Well, fine, then let's have it. -I think we are having it.
497 00:20:52,709 --> 00:20:54,461 -Really? Right now? -Yes, this is it.
498 00:20:54,544 --> 00:20:56,088 -Well it's not that bad. -It's fine.
499 00:20:56,171 --> 00:20:57,172 -All right! -Go ahead.
500 00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,383 -Great! -Can I have the last word for once?
501 00:20:59,466 --> 00:21:00,926 -Yes. -Just don't be the guy
502 00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:02,678 that always has to say the last thing.
503 00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:04,388 -Okay. -Don't do it!
504 00:21:04,471 --> 00:21:05,722 -Can I just give you a hug? -No!
505 00:21:05,806 --> 00:21:07,140 -No? -Oh, okay.
506 00:21:07,224 --> 00:21:11,645 Damn, y'all are in middle school and you havin' this big-ass conversation.
507 00:21:11,728 --> 00:21:13,647 I loves you guys.
508 00:21:13,730 --> 00:21:16,566 [Coach Steve] Hey, my best friends are best friends again.
509 00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:18,443 -Coach Steve? -Oh, I wish!
510 00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:22,864 I got fired from Walgreens and now I'm Coach Mannequin Steve.
511 00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:24,866 Downside is, you know,
512 00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:27,577 I'm technically no longer a human being.
513 00:21:27,661 --> 00:21:30,372 Upside is I can pop my arm off
514 00:21:30,455 --> 00:21:32,541 for awesome high fives.
515 00:21:32,624 --> 00:21:33,583 High five!
516 00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:35,919 I love you, my very quiet dudes.
517 00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:38,380 Uh-oh, there goes Richard.
518 00:21:38,463 --> 00:21:40,257 [sobbing]
519 00:21:40,340 --> 00:21:43,176 All I wanted was to keep wearing my overalls.
520 00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:47,931 And now I have to wear this stupid skirt and everyone's mad at me.
521 00:21:48,015 --> 00:21:50,851 Oh, quit the waterworks, you pathetic little butt munch.
522 00:21:50,934 --> 00:21:54,688 No, stay away from me! I just wanna be sad.
523 00:21:54,771 --> 00:21:57,482 Bull honky! You're not sad, you're angry.
524 00:21:57,733 --> 00:22:01,278 Furious! You're a cop and someone just killed your partner.
525 00:22:01,361 --> 00:22:03,613 The day before he was supposed to retire.
526 00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:05,949 It's a tragedy! He bought a frigging boat!
527 00:22:06,033 --> 00:22:08,035 Ah! Stop it! I hate you!
528 00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:09,911 [sobs] You're mean and ugly
529 00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:12,205 and I don't want people to think that I'm like you.
530 00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:14,374 Well, guess what, Hitler's nut?
531 00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:16,084 I am you!
532 00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:17,544 Shut up!
533 00:22:17,627 --> 00:22:19,004 Gah! What have I done?
534 00:22:19,838 --> 00:22:22,799 That's what I'm talkin' about, baby.
535 00:22:22,883 --> 00:22:23,717 [smacks lips]
536 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,260 Tastes like power.
537 00:22:25,635 --> 00:22:29,473 Hey, firefly. So, here's the bra with several radishes in it.
538 00:22:29,556 --> 00:22:31,641 As you can see, I'm not wearing it, right?
539 00:22:32,100 --> 00:22:34,061 -Okay, Dad, yeah, I get it. -Then say it.
540 00:22:34,144 --> 00:22:35,771 You don't wear the bra.
541 00:22:35,854 --> 00:22:37,147 -And? -It's for radishes!
542 00:22:37,230 --> 00:22:39,191 Sweet dreams, firefly.
543 00:22:40,692 --> 00:22:42,611 [sniffing] Ooh.
544 00:22:42,694 --> 00:22:44,237 What's that sexy smell?
545 00:22:45,697 --> 00:22:47,949 Mm!
546 00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:50,911 Whoa! What are you doin' here?
547 00:22:50,994 --> 00:22:53,246 [laughs] There's never food in this house.
548 00:22:53,330 --> 00:22:55,415 -[burbling] -Ohhh.
549 00:22:55,499 --> 00:22:56,917 You're not for eating.
550 00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:58,377 [burbling]
551 00:22:58,460 --> 00:23:01,046 Let me make sure I understand what you want.
552 00:23:01,129 --> 00:23:02,714 You're saying I need to fuck you
553 00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:05,092 before my body completely shuts down?
554 00:23:05,175 --> 00:23:06,635 -[burbling] -Uh--
555 00:23:06,718 --> 00:23:09,846 Ohhh. You've busted your trussing, you dirty bird.
556 00:23:09,930 --> 00:23:10,764 [burbles]
557 00:23:10,847 --> 00:23:13,100 Yeah, I'm surprised I knew that word, too.
558 00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:17,104 So we get to the restaurant, and I don't open the door for her
559 00:23:17,187 --> 00:23:19,231 because I guess I'm not supposed to now.
560 00:23:19,314 --> 00:23:21,274 Didn't you get the memo, Dan? Chivalry's dead.
561 00:23:21,358 --> 00:23:22,192 [laughter]
562 00:23:22,275 --> 00:23:23,819 Yeah, yeah, we're all laughing.
563 00:23:23,902 --> 00:23:26,988 And then she freaks out at me. It's like, what do they want from us?
564 00:23:27,072 --> 00:23:29,741 See, this is what I'm talkin' about! We can't win!
565 00:23:29,825 --> 00:23:32,244 -This kid gets it! What's up, little dude? -Hello, other dudes.
566 00:23:32,327 --> 00:23:34,413 Hey, buddy, welcome. Share your struggle.
567 00:23:34,496 --> 00:23:36,415 Okay. Well, there was this girl--
568 00:23:36,498 --> 00:23:38,083 -[all] Boo! -Yeah, thank you.
569 00:23:38,166 --> 00:23:40,794 Exactly. Women are all mixed up nowadays, right?
570 00:23:40,877 --> 00:23:42,379 They seem to have forgotten
571 00:23:42,462 --> 00:23:45,424 that their biological imperative is to have babies.
572 00:23:45,507 --> 00:23:46,425 Oh, okay.
573 00:23:46,508 --> 00:23:48,760 Because... And this is science, right?
574 00:23:48,844 --> 00:23:51,513 Women's brains are smaller.
575 00:23:51,596 --> 00:23:52,681 No, they're not.
576 00:23:52,764 --> 00:23:55,142 And that's why my wife was stupid enough
577 00:23:55,225 --> 00:23:57,769 to leave me for a "black doctor,"
578 00:23:57,853 --> 00:24:00,272 -whatever that means. -Probably that he went to medical school.
579 00:24:00,355 --> 00:24:03,859 And then her Jew lawyer says it's because I beat up my gay neighbor.
580 00:24:03,942 --> 00:24:05,110 It's PC bullshit.
581 00:24:05,193 --> 00:24:07,779 That's why we need a patriarchal ethno-state
582 00:24:07,863 --> 00:24:10,282 of pure European blood!
583 00:24:10,365 --> 00:24:11,575 -Yeah! -Truth, man!
584 00:24:11,658 --> 00:24:14,327 Okay, I get it now. They're Nazis. We're with Nazis!
585 00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:15,954 All right, lock the door, Andrew.
586 00:24:16,037 --> 00:24:18,290 We're gonna Inglourious Basterds these A-holes.
587 00:24:18,373 --> 00:24:20,542 You want to light the room on fire and kill everybody?
588 00:24:20,625 --> 00:24:21,751 Yeah, what were you thinking?
589 00:24:21,835 --> 00:24:23,920 I was thinking we just leave the Nazi meeting.
590 00:24:24,004 --> 00:24:26,798 -I mean, nobody knows we're here. -Hello, Andrew.
591 00:24:26,882 --> 00:24:29,176 -Oh, God, of course, it's you. -Mm-hm.
592 00:24:29,259 --> 00:24:30,927 Bring it on. I'm a bad guy,
593 00:24:31,011 --> 00:24:32,220 I've made another series
594 00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:33,638 -of terrible choices... -Yeah.
595 00:24:33,722 --> 00:24:36,641 And now I'm hanging out with white supremacists.
596 00:24:36,725 --> 00:24:40,353 Yes, yes, all those things, that's why I'm here. [chuckles]
597 00:24:40,437 --> 00:24:43,273 Hey, man, how you gonna pay for this Nazi dildo?
598 00:24:43,356 --> 00:24:45,066 -Your card got declined. -Ugh.
599 00:24:45,150 --> 00:24:48,945 Swipe it again, I-- I-- I literally just bought a Twix.
600 00:24:49,029 --> 00:24:50,113 Oh, yeah.
601 00:24:50,197 --> 00:24:51,865 -[groaning] -[burbling]
602 00:24:51,948 --> 00:24:53,533 -Oh, yeah. You want that gravy? -[burbles]
603 00:24:53,617 --> 00:24:54,868 -Oh, yeah! You do? -[burbles]
604 00:24:54,951 --> 00:24:57,037 Oh, my gravy boat's so full of gravy.
605 00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:59,206 -Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah! -[burbling]
606 00:24:59,289 --> 00:25:00,248 Oh, that's right.
607 00:25:00,332 --> 00:25:01,500 -[burbling] -Oh!
608 00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:03,418 Get stuffed!
609 00:25:03,502 --> 00:25:04,503 [barking]
610 00:25:04,586 --> 00:25:06,129 Rarty. Party. Party.
611 00:25:06,463 --> 00:25:08,465 I made that turkey for a dinner party.
612 00:25:09,174 --> 00:25:10,467 Hey, Nick. How am I?
613 00:25:10,550 --> 00:25:12,427 I'm okay, I went to a Nazi meeting.
614 00:25:12,511 --> 00:25:14,137 -Oh, Andrew. -Oh, no, no. I didn't like it.
615 00:25:14,221 --> 00:25:15,347 Well, that's good news.
616 00:25:15,430 --> 00:25:16,890 Hey, what's goin' on with you lately?
617 00:25:16,973 --> 00:25:19,059 I don't know, it's-- it's just been really hard
618 00:25:19,142 --> 00:25:20,685 with the Missy and the Lars thing,
619 00:25:20,769 --> 00:25:24,022 'cause it made me so angry and I thought that I was the victim,
620 00:25:24,397 --> 00:25:27,067 but now I think that maybe I'm the asshole.
621 00:25:27,150 --> 00:25:28,902 -That is possible. -[sobbing]
622 00:25:28,985 --> 00:25:30,695 I don't want to have hate in my heart.
623 00:25:30,779 --> 00:25:33,615 -Aw. Come here, buddy. -Oh, God. They hated Jews so much.
624 00:25:33,698 --> 00:25:34,699 I know, it's hard.
625 00:25:34,783 --> 00:25:36,409 You know what's not hard? My dick!
626 00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:38,245 -That's great, Jay. -Don't you wanna know why?
627 00:25:38,328 --> 00:25:39,704 Let me guess, you fucked a turkey.
628 00:25:39,788 --> 00:25:41,831 What? No, you wish.
629 00:25:41,915 --> 00:25:44,876 Okay, I did and it was awesome.
630 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:45,794 I called it.
631 00:25:45,877 --> 00:25:48,880 Get this. At one point, it was on top!
632 00:25:48,964 --> 00:25:52,050 The turkey rode me, reverse turkey girl.
633 00:25:52,133 --> 00:25:53,885 Oh, Jay, how did I ever let you go?
634 00:25:53,969 --> 00:25:55,804 Ooh, and she let me cheese on her giblets.
635 00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:57,556 Whoa. Guys, check it out.
636 00:25:57,639 --> 00:25:58,640 [gasping]
637 00:25:59,474 --> 00:26:01,142 Missy's not wearing her uniform.
638 00:26:01,226 --> 00:26:05,313 Miss Foreman-Greenwald, what am I not seeing on your body?
639 00:26:05,397 --> 00:26:07,065 Uh...
640 00:26:07,148 --> 00:26:10,902 You've broken the rules, Captain, and now it's time to pay the price.
641 00:26:10,986 --> 00:26:12,320 Missy, we must surrender!
642 00:26:12,404 --> 00:26:15,407 He's too strong for us! We're all gonna die!
643 00:26:15,490 --> 00:26:16,533 Mr. Shit is right.
644 00:26:16,616 --> 00:26:19,327 No, Mr. Shit is wrong.
645 00:26:19,411 --> 00:26:21,037 It's time to fight back!
646 00:26:21,121 --> 00:26:24,541 Yeah, it's time to finger fudge some eye sockets!
647 00:26:24,624 --> 00:26:25,667 Don't trust her, Missy.
648 00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:27,419 Shut up, you sweet beefcake,
649 00:26:27,502 --> 00:26:29,337 with your pillow lips and your perfect skin.
650 00:26:29,421 --> 00:26:31,840 Tick-tock! It's dick punch o'clock.
651 00:26:31,923 --> 00:26:34,175 And I don't like to be late!
652 00:26:35,927 --> 00:26:38,096 I'm not wearing my uniform
653 00:26:38,179 --> 00:26:39,889 'cause it's butt ugly and stupid!
654 00:26:39,973 --> 00:26:42,517 And you are a creepy, sexist fudge face!
655 00:26:42,601 --> 00:26:43,893 -[cheering] -Yeah, Missy!
656 00:26:43,977 --> 00:26:46,313 Oh, now you're cheerin'? Rah-rah-rah!
657 00:26:46,396 --> 00:26:48,398 Your cheers are hollow.
658 00:26:48,481 --> 00:26:50,400 You shamed me for what I wore!
659 00:26:50,483 --> 00:26:52,611 All you girls are a bunch of hypocrites!
660 00:26:52,694 --> 00:26:55,488 -Ha-ha! Suck it, ladies! -Oh, button your yap, Jay!
661 00:26:55,572 --> 00:26:57,240 -Yeah, that's my bad. -And just so you know,
662 00:26:57,324 --> 00:27:00,035 boys aren't animals, they are capable of self-control!
663 00:27:00,118 --> 00:27:01,453 I learned that, too, Missy.
664 00:27:01,536 --> 00:27:03,580 -And you! -Oh, no.
665 00:27:03,663 --> 00:27:07,125 We went out for, like, five fudgin' days.
666 00:27:07,208 --> 00:27:10,045 I don't owe you squat-diddly! Get over it, Señor Poop!
667 00:27:10,128 --> 00:27:11,463 Okay, Missy, that's enough!
668 00:27:11,546 --> 00:27:14,716 Chow down on your vertical frown, Lizer!
669 00:27:14,799 --> 00:27:16,968 What is that supposed to even mean to me?
670 00:27:17,052 --> 00:27:19,554 Uh, what that is actually supposed to mean
671 00:27:19,638 --> 00:27:22,390 is that now it is time for you to eat your own ass, you bozo!
672 00:27:22,474 --> 00:27:23,350 [gasping]
673 00:27:23,433 --> 00:27:26,811 -Caleb, are you rolling on this? -I got everything after "Señor Poop."
674 00:27:26,895 --> 00:27:30,857 This? My asshole? You can't talk to-- No.
675 00:27:30,940 --> 00:27:32,233 -The kid's right, Lizer. -[scoffs]
676 00:27:32,317 --> 00:27:33,234 Eat your own ass.
677 00:27:33,318 --> 00:27:35,153 -I-- -I got 45 days left,
678 00:27:35,236 --> 00:27:37,280 and you've made a mess of everything.
679 00:27:37,364 --> 00:27:40,033 Now, kids, whose names I don't know,
680 00:27:40,116 --> 00:27:43,119 middle school is the worst time of your life.
681 00:27:43,203 --> 00:27:45,246 No need for us to make it any harder, right?
682 00:27:45,330 --> 00:27:48,500 So no more uniforms, no more sexist dress codes.
683 00:27:48,583 --> 00:27:50,585 -[cheering] -I'm happy, too.
684 00:27:50,669 --> 00:27:52,629 The next person who speaks to me is expelled.
685 00:27:52,712 --> 00:27:57,634 [chanting] Missy! Missy! Missy! Missy! Missy!
686 00:27:57,717 --> 00:27:58,927 [cello music]
687 00:27:59,010 --> 00:28:02,389 Ah, spring. A new season has begun.
688 00:28:02,639 --> 00:28:04,641 And as the days grow longer,
689 00:28:04,724 --> 00:28:07,310 like so many math class boners,
690 00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:09,896 the dreams, they grow wetter.
691 00:28:09,979 --> 00:28:13,274 For April showers bring Austin Powers.
692 00:28:13,358 --> 00:28:16,111 Do I make you horny, baby?
693 00:28:16,194 --> 00:28:17,737 Season three will.
694 00:28:18,071 --> 00:28:20,532 Whoo! Season three is underway.
695 00:28:20,615 --> 00:28:24,077 Did you see that one episode is called "How to Have an Orgasm"?
696 00:28:24,160 --> 00:28:26,287 In my case, it's a bottle of rosé
697 00:28:26,371 --> 00:28:28,498 and getting my wings choked out.
698 00:28:28,581 --> 00:28:29,499 Hit it, Luda.
699 00:28:29,999 --> 00:28:32,293 -♪ Whoo! Back again ♪ -♪ That's right ♪
700 00:28:32,377 --> 00:28:34,087 Luda! [laughing]
701 00:28:34,170 --> 00:28:37,215 Feel this, just gets meaner and meaner each time, baby.
702 00:28:39,050 --> 00:28:40,427 Feelin' real good, too.
703 00:28:40,677 --> 00:28:42,345 -♪ Holla at 'em ♪ -♪ What up, Uncle Face? ♪
704 00:28:42,429 --> 00:28:44,806 -♪ Yeah ♪ -♪ Causin' lyrical disasters ♪
705 00:28:44,889 --> 00:28:45,890 ♪ It's the master ♪
706 00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:49,602 ♪ Make music for Mini-Mes Models and fat bastards ♪
707 00:28:49,686 --> 00:28:52,355 ♪ These women tryin' to get me out My Pelle Pelle ♪
708 00:28:52,439 --> 00:28:55,817 ♪ They strip off my clothes and tell me "Get in my belly"♪
709 00:28:56,151 --> 00:28:58,778 ♪ Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls ♪
710 00:28:58,862 --> 00:29:02,657 ♪ Ludacris sit down And take over the whole world ♪
711 00:29:02,907 --> 00:29:05,326 ♪ Whoa, don't slip up or get got ♪
712 00:29:05,410 --> 00:29:06,453 ♪ Why not, man? ♪
713 00:29:06,536 --> 00:29:08,663 ♪ I'm comin' for that number one spot ♪
714 00:29:08,747 --> 00:29:10,039 ♪ All right! Whoo! ♪
715 00:29:10,123 --> 00:29:11,875 ♪ Rappers swearin' they on top ♪
716 00:29:11,958 --> 00:29:12,917 ♪ Nuh-uh! Uh-uh! ♪
717 00:29:13,001 --> 00:29:15,295 ♪ But I'm comin' for that Number one spot ♪
718 00:29:15,378 --> 00:29:16,296 ♪ All right, man! ♪
719 00:29:16,379 --> 00:29:18,506 ♪ Scheme, scheme, plot, plot ♪
720 00:29:19,132 --> 00:29:21,551 Ha, ha. Good At Bizness.
721 00:29:21,634 --> 00:29:23,011 [kazoo plays]
722 00:29:23,636 --> 00:29:24,637 -Chirp. -Fathouse.
723 00:29:24,721 --> 00:29:25,555 [light bulb buzzing]
This transcript is for educational use only. Not to be sold or auctioned.