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1 Trouble Tiptoeing? Become Airborne!

T.T.B.A. Volume: 33 field mice Issue: late

Contents

The Chairbeing’s Address 3

Editorial 3

Chainwriting 4 Title Containing What In Hindsight Turns Out To Be A Pun On A Major Plot Point...... 4 A Close Shave...... 10 The ********’s Tale...... 15 The Tower of Stars...... 21 Torquemada Way...... 25 Do Corn Gods Dream of Alternate Meats?...... 31 Goodnight...... 38 Unravelling the Plot...... 42 Of Laughter and Good Spirits...... 46 Sweet Dreams...... 49 When the Clocks Stopped...... 54 The Jacketeers...... 58 Sleepwaking...... 64 Harry and Xanth’s Totally Righteous Adventure...... 67 We Are Groot?...... 70

The City of Ys 73

Cave Dwellers 75

Pecan Patch 76

Riddle of the Spheres 79

The Grand Pigeon Massacre 82

Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2. A Review 83

Alien: Covenant. A Review. 85

Doctor Who Rant 91

Cover art credit: Kimberly Ward. All works within remain the property of their respective owner(s).

2 The Chairbeing’s Address Editorial WARNING: TEMPORAL ANOMALY DETECTED! reetings CUSFSites.12 This is the first, and reetings, Sciencefictioneers! G very likely the only Chairbeings Address3 I G Another year has come and gone. Old faces will get to write, which is unfortunate DETECTED! ANOMALY TEMPORAL WARNING: I suppose DETECTED! ANOMALY TEMPORAL WARNING: have left us. New faces have joined us. And lots for my plan of subtle subliminal brainwashing via of middle faces have merely changed a bit. To one the medium of TTBA addresses, but heigh ho, the and all I say: welcome, ye with faces and ye with summoning of the giant space laser firing interdi- none, to the TTBA. 4 mensional Cthulhu butterfly by my brainwashed This edition of the TTBA is a little later than 5 minions will just have to find another means of intended (by about a year...), but as a result it 6 execution. contains several times the usual dosage of chain- Anyway, the failure to brainwash anyone into writing, fiction, reviews, art and idle musings. 7 summoning space butterfly Cthulhu aside, we’ve We seem to have drifted off towards the dreamy had quite a good year of it so far and this is a this year. The chainwriting contains no fewer trend that I would like, as far as possible to see than four dreamscapes, and more Fae than anyone continued, if we can all put out of our minds for would want to shake a stick at. Even the regular a second the looming spectre of examination that fiction has a magical realism feel to it. is currently approaching many of us. This term We also bring you the usual crop of ‘unusual’ promises the coming of the Veizla and the com- chainwriting. One chain starts at the end and ends ing, with it, of yet another new era and yet another at the start, one starts at the start and end and new invasion of Norway.8 To some of our newer ends in the middle, and one starts and ends every- members unfamiliar with the logistics of sending a where at once. Another chain goes in the usual regular fleet so far north every year, fear not, you order, but with prompts along the way, and the fi- will learn our ways soon enough. Also this term nal chain is normal, apart from the tiny detail that will be films, the geeksoc picnic (for those who it’s written in *cue booming voice* Epic Verse. want to see our new chairbeing and the steward of CTS have at it with pool noodles) and the ev- And last but not least, the fearsome footnote erpresent pub. horde has been beaten back! The forces unleashed may have made a minor rupture in the fabric of For now though, I leave you to enjoy this issue of time, but think upon the victory! Think upon TTBA, may it bring you much wisdom and peace what fell fate would surely await us if even one foul of mind.91011 footnote had infiltrated our TTBA unchecked? Nicholas Heitler — Chairbeing. So without further ado, I leave you in the capa- All hail space butterfly interdimensional laser ble hands of all the wonderful people who wrote Cthulhu things. It’s been a blast, and I look forwards to being out-paced by our new TTBA editor, Megan, over the coming year! 1I hear these things are meant to have footnotes. So this is a footnote about the fact that there will be foot- Mark Johnson — X-TTBA Editor notes. 2A metafootnote if you will. Last Year’s Committee: 3No, I’m not following the tradition, my home address is difficult to squeeze in. (Unless of course I have managed it, and you just don’t know I have.) Nicholas Heitler — X-Chairbeing 4What? Isobel Sands — X-Secretary 5Obviously not you. 6Not that we’re a cult. Olivia Morley — X-Treasurer 7Happens to the best of us. Louise Vincent — X-Social Secretary

WARNING: TEMPORAL ANOMALY DETECTED!8Which is definitely WARNING: TEMPORAL ANOMALY DETECTED! Norway. 9Did I do the footnote thing right? Alastair Haig — X-Librarian 10Wait, what if I overdid the footnote thing? Mark Johnson — X-TTBA Editor

11Nah, couldn’t have done. ANN:TMOA NML DETECTED! ANOMALY TEMPORAL WARNING:

3 Chainwriting familiar local Mental Institution, peeled past. The public speaker system broadcasting each citi- zen’s personal soundtrack was happily blaring out Title Containing What In Hindsight a brisk waltz in Innocent’s direction. Turns Out To Be A Pun On A Ma- Suddenly the soundtrack changed key to an un- jor Plot Point familiar minor, a cello easing out an unsettling tri- tone and a skilled percussionist producing a clat- Alastair Haig, Sarah Binney, Andrew Car- tering sound not unlike the rattle of bones. A lotti, Greg Weir, Andrew Conway, Bryn cloud momentarily covered the sun, and on the Reinstadler, Nick Heitler, Curtis Reubens, pavement a cat hissed and bolted. It was signs like Harley Jones, Jake Choules, Michael French, this which made the residents of Charact City re- Danielle Saunders, Ed Heaney, Rory Hennell- ally proud to call themselves Characters. The City James Council had recently spent a lot of public money getting its omens upgraded, and Innocent nodded nnocent Bystander brushed hair away from to themselves in appreciation of Good Crafts- I their eyes as the trolley left the station. They manship, Delivered On Time and Under Bud- had an odd name, as people always told them, see- get. ing as they were rarely stood still for more than Innocent glanced around. The only other per- a few seconds, and were far from innocent in the son on the bus was a hooded figure on the back eyes of most. Innocent had always meant to ask seat, who had begun to make their way down the their parents why they were named that, but had aisle. Innocent watched as the figure neared them. never gotten the chance, seeing as their earliest On their cheek was a strange scar that looked memory was seeing a couple murdered by a figure something like half a mildly-singed tortoise. In- with bright red hair and a scar in the shape of half nocent’s face contorted in effort trying to remem- a mildly-singed tortoise. ber where they’d seen that scar. It was so very Innocent reckoned they should probably have familiar. some kind of Strong Feelings towards that tor- The figure withdrew their hood to reveal shock- toise guy, but as of yet they hadn’t quite gotten ing red hair. “Hello, Innocent.” There was a around to doing that. Anyway, chasing down your knife in their hand. Innocent had time to think parents’ murderer was a sure fire way to get your- “not again” before they felt the knife slide be- self into a Story, with things like Destiny and tween their ribs and then darkness. Adventure, which Innocent knew would be A Lot More Hassle Than It’s Worth. *** Stories were for people with Heroic names like the ones in Innocent’s books. Names with vim, Evil Overlord stepped off the bus to a backdrop of vigour and scars where they’d been brutally mis- Dystopian Marching Band, and smiled. They pronounced by ravening hordes. Names like Ab- always loved to hear this particular motif — it salom the Adjectifier, Sir Firesnap the Trian- gave them a sense of Righteous Determination, gulator, Lady Laurent the Listlessly Loqua- and helped them to feel at peace with themself. cious or STUART. In the stories the Innocent They hated having to use their knives, but Evil Bystander always walked away unscathed. knew that in their Line Of Work, the First Law Besides, Innocent had no time for stories. They Of EVIL was paramount: Never Leave Behind were on a Mission From the Gods. Witnesses. It was for this reason that Evil’s knife A mission to Fetch Some Milk. was now embedded in the torso of the former bus As the trolley trundled along down the High driver. Street Innocent absently picked a piece of fluff With these final witnesses dead, Evil could at from their shirt, which gleamed red in the morning last return to their original mission. The public sun. The great red-brick fa¸adesof city buildings, speaker system was now blaring out a triumphant Department Stores and Civic Buildings and the fanfare, obviously symbolising the now-completed

4 side-quest. It had been a particularly Gruelling In the shock of the moment, Evil Overlord failed and Unpleasant quest, and Evil was not proud of to notice one thing: the small child following the what they had done, which was probably why the couple through the Cold and Misty night. fanfare sounded a little hollow. It had been nec- essary though, ever since that first Unfortunate *** Incident. As the last chords of the End Of Flashback Mu- *** sic sounded, the Milk Maid came into focus. She pushed open the door to the cowshed, and smelled It had been a Cold and Misty night, and Evil the familiar smell of warm bovine bodies, methane had been surrounded by an Eerie Silence, bro- and dung. Several of her charges turned to look at ken only by the soft thudding of their horse’s her with a lack of interest that only domesticated hooves against the mossy ground. Evil had been ungulates can attain. nervous — after all, although atmospheric omens “Hello, Nellie,” she said to the cow in the first weren’t as detailed as the latest personal sound- stall. “Hello, Bessie. Hello, Poxy.” She went tracks, these particular conditions could only mean down the line. “Hello, Braindead. Hello, Ar- Bad Things Were About To Happen. Never- senic. Hello, Berserker. Hello, Trump. Hello, theless, Evil had pressed on through the forest, for Constipation. Hello, Moral Ambiguity. Oh, they were on a Mission From The Dogs. hello, Evil Overlord, what are you doing here?” A mission that, thirty years later, they were fi- “I came...” They paused, waiting for the chords nally about to complete. indicating a Dramatic Revelation was about to A mission to Fetch Some Milk. happen. The end was close, but that Cold and Misty Silence. night was... a middle, if not a beginning. A flash “Yes?” asked Milk Maid, helpfully. of light in the darkness, and an Anguished whinny “I came to get...” from their horse, and — Silence. Evil shook their head and took stock. On their “You probably want some milk, then don’t back, with a Blinding Pain in their head. A hand you?” said Milk Maid with the air of someone reached around to check the damage, and came who didn’t have all day to wait for Sound Ef- back Sticky with blood. fects. They pulled themselves wearily to their feet, “Er, yes,” said Evil Overlord. “If it’s not too watching the billowing of the atmospheric omens. much Trouble. I mean, I could come back later Then two figures emerged from the darkness. when you get the Speakers Working.” There was no time for anything subtle, not with “All right,” said Milk Maid. “But you have to the weather this ominous. Evil pulled a knife from get it from one of the Cows, not like last time.” their belt and, before the figures had time to react, “I misunderstood your name,” said Evil Over- was upon them, striking once — twice — lord, blushing. Something about Milk Maid and two bodies lay Motionless and Slowly caused their air of Apocalyptic Menace to evap- Cooling upon the ground. orate like brandy on a Christmas pud, but without Evil disappeared into the mist and slumped the flickering blue flames or even a comforting jug down next to a tree. of Bird’s Custard on the side. There had been no choice. Bad Things Were Just then the Dramatic Revelation chords About To Happen. It was obvious. And with sounded. Evil Overlord looked at their watch. their hard-won secret knowledge of foreshadowing “Bloody unions,” they said. dynamics and elective metachronal preordination, The Milk Maid turned to leave the cowshed, that left two options, clear as day: Evil could have placing one hand on the door. She paused and something Happen to them... or become a Bad then looked back. “You’re on your own for this Thing. one. You can milk any of the cows, just use that

5 bucket over there,” she said, motioning over to Menace. the dingy bucket in the far corner of the shed. Evil Overlord stood back and took stock now. “Oh, and by the way, I’m expecting another vis- Based on the location/imperative standard and itor — they should be here in the next half hour. the code of chronology, this was neither the right I think their name was Innocent Bystander?” In place nor the right time for that music. That could the background, a short Jingle of the Exposi- only mean one thing. Somewhere, somehow, a tion Bells began. The Milk Maid’s husky alto Dramatic Sequence was about to occur and the voice continued: “If you see them come up to the end of it would go Very Badly for them. But for barn, please send them straight to me. They are it to happen here and now something must have on a Mission from the Gods to Fetch Some gone very wrong indeed. Milk, but I received a terrible omen warning them Then it hit them, all at once. Dramatic Reve- against fetching the milk, as the fetching of the lation did not sound this time, and they thought milk would lead to their inevitable demise at the they knew why. hands of a most dastardly fellow! It would be “Oh. Oh, Balls.” Very Very Bad For The Plot Continuity Of The aforementioned Sinister Background The if they were to die, for they are the Music cut off as they spoke, a sudden silence only child of The Grand High Plotmaster and to emphasise these words, the moment that Evil The World Builder, may their afterlives be writ Overlord realised exactly what they had done. by only the happiest of daydreamers.” They had messed with the Plot Continuity of the “Naught to do today but wait for them, so make Universe, they had Slain Someone Exceedingly sure they see me!” She shrugged and left the Important, they had Put Their Foot Right In cowshed, closing the door behind her. It. A small pause. It was really very dramatic, and it wasn’t until Dramatic Revelation chords played once the music failed to return post-utterance that Evil more. Overlord realised that the speaker had blown. Muttering about the unions, Evil Overlord ig- “Okay. So. This is Bad.” Evil Overlord spoke nored the omen. If they’d thought about it, they aloud as they paced, for otherwise the scene would would have realised this was metachronologically merely be them Pacing Silently, and that would impossible to do, but they did it anyway. be boring and unenlightening. “This is Very Very Evil Overlord turned to the cows, wondering Bad, and I probably need to fix it, Mission From how exactly a person was supposed to extract The Dogs or no. Which means...” milk from them. After the previous event with Evil Overlord sighed. They really hated time the Milk Maid they didn’t want any further em- travel. barrassments to occur. They wondered who this Innocent Bystander was supposed to be though. *** A Mission From The Gods lacked originality frankly, whoever they were The Grand Council Eccentric Scientist had been standing on their of The Narrative Imperative ought to have been toilet hanging a picture when their doorbell rang. ashamed. It reminded Evil Overlord too much of They didn’t slip though, for they had Those their own mission, from the Dogs of course, rep- Socks With The Grippy Bits On The Soles. etition was not typically a good sign. “I wonder”, Instead, they finished hanging their painting (a Evil said out loud for the benefit of the audience, Sun-Drenched Hilly Landscape) before answer- “if the two are connected”. ing the door with a terse “Yes?” There was a slight rise in the Relaxed But Still Evil Overlord grinned sheepishly. “Hello, Ec- Sinister Background Music as it came to a com- centric.” plicated cadence ending on a crushing sequence of diminished chords, before transforming into Re- Eccentric Scientist very almost slammed the ally, Really Sinister Background Music With door right then. “Evil. What brings you here?” “I... I need to borrow the Chronomabob.”

6 “Gods, no, not after the last time.” The have used Devious and/or Dastardly and/or Chronomabob Incident, the event responsible Fantastically Violent Methods to shorten the for Eccentric Scientist’s animosity towards Evil wait. The people in front of them had been the Overlord, was a convoluted affair far too com- usual mix of Private Investigators Who Don’t plex for this narrator to fit within her portion of Play by the Book — who always insisted on the story... though perhaps the next one will give bribing the clerks even when they would hap- it a shot? pily have given them the they wanted The next Narrator looked on from his Third for free — Down-on-Their-Luck Losers With Person Omniscient Viewpoint. The incident al- Sob Stories — in this case, mostly trying to luded to by his predecessor, full of fascination as weep their way out of fare-dodging fines — and it was, is well-documented elsewhere, and would People Whose Seemingly Simple Requests distract more from the Narrative than required. Take Seven Months to Fulfil and Require The Suffice to say, Evil Overlord and Eccentric Sci- Filling-Out of a Hilarious Amount of Paper- entist had had much history between them, and work — so far as Evil could discern, they had been Evil was able to blackmail them into giving them trying to reserve a seat on the Midnight Train, the Chronomabob. They felt it was justified to but had wanted to know where it would actually resort to that; after all, the Plot Continuity of be going. A reasonable question, Evil had thought the Universe was at stake. In fact, they reflected, at the time, but their feelings on the had it wasn’t really evil at all. soured somewhat after 54 minutes and Thirteen Now, how best to reverse the temporal anomaly Forms Signed in Quadruplicate. that they had caused? Evil contemplated for some “Buses, was it?” asked the Area Manager. time over their plan; after all, with you “Day before yesterday?” They prided themselves can take all the time you want to plan. Perhaps on their Efficiency, Attention to Detail and they could go back to before this quest started Faultless Short-Term Memory, being as they and explain it all to themselves? After all, they were a Consummate Professional, and not one were a reasonable Overlord, and — no, that never of those Shiftless Slackers or Obnoxious Job- works, and besides, the Keepers of Temporal sworths their school teachers had Warned Them Continuity were very shirty about people meeting So Much About. their past selves. “Um, what? Er, yes.” Evil Overlord had al- How about preventing themself from encoun- most forgotten what they’d come for. “And the tering the Innocent Bystander in the first place? drivers.” Now that had more mileage. They had met on “Ahem?” the bus... Sigh. “And the drivers, please.” Obnoxious jobsworth. *** The Area Manager sniffed loudly, a well-honed sign of Mild Displeasure and Moral Superior- The Bus Station was thronged with people, but ity. From the background music, a faint trill of Evil cut through the crowds with their usual Audience-Visible Irony could be heard, as the straightforward manner to the office of the Area Area Manager really did have the moral superi- Transport Operations Manager. ority, given Evil’s tendency to be, well, evil. “Give me the details of the bus movements and “Ah yes, here we go.” The music swirled in a their drivers two days ago!” they demanded. Faintly Dramatic Buildup. “The day before yes- “You’ll have to wait your turn,” responded the terday, all red buses were driven by Always Wears Area Manager; and, with a sigh, Evil Overlord Blue, all blue buses were driven by Always Wears made their way to the back of the queue. They Red, and oh yes, I remember Sometimes Wears weren’t in a hurry. Red And Sometimes Wears Blue did a cover By the time they made it to the head of the shift for one of them, though I note,” with Disap- queue, they rather wished they had been in a proving Tone building in the background, “that hurry, because at least then they could justifiably no-one deigned to fill in the paperwork for that.

7 So I can’t say when that would have occurred. Evil Overlord glared down the street, as they were Shiftless slackers.” wont to do. They had been there, and the bus had Evil paused for a moment. They could almost been there, and then the bus had been trundling hear the Laugh Track. They didn’t have time to off and now there was just them on an empty — oh, right. street with- For the next three hours, Evil planned. The “Woof.” Laugh Track had indeed played at one point, Evil was confused for a moment. Was their when about one hour in, they realised the route one Dogs or Gods? As part of their Evil Plan map they had picked up was only valid from yes- they had invoked the Dogs, and their rewards terday onwards. Since then however, the music for Fetching Some Milk would be great in- had faded to Distant Rumbling, with a discon- deed... hold on, or was it that the Gods had certing amount of Clown Jazz thrown over the contacted them and sent them on a holy quest top. That didn’t sound right. Maybe Evil didn’t to Fetch Some Milk? No, no, that seemed have time after all. very much like somebody else’s objective entirely. But it didn’t matter now. They had A Plan. This felt awfully like one of those Grandfather Wait. Too indefinite. They had... (Dramatic Problems that popped up pretty much every time Revelation sounds) ...The Plan. anyone messed with causality — but they hadn’t (wouldn’t?) learnt their lesson in the past, and so *** here they were again. Dogs or Gods? Oh yes — Innocent Bystander brushed hair away from their someone had barked, hadn’t they? That made it eyes as the trolley left the station. As the trol- pretty... ley trundled along down the High Street Innocent Evil had spent enough time lost in their Tem- absently picked a piece of fluff from their shirt, poral Dizziness for the Suspenseful Music to which gleamed red in the morning sun. The pub- build up to a natural climax. They turned around. lic speaker system broadcasting each citizen’s per- sonal soundtrack was happily blaring out a brisk *** waltz in Innocent’s direction. Suddenly the soundtrack changed key to a sort Innocent’s happy whistling trailed off for a mo- of cheerful rural jingle, with the odd calming Yo- ment. Something Wasn’t Quite Right, but how del thrown in for good measure. The bus was could that be? They had successfully Fetched empty but for the driver — had always been empty Some Milk and surely only turning in the quest — although someone had left one of the windows was left on the agenda. Nothing beyond the empty open and, on closer inspection, a carton of milk street with- on the back seat. How long had that been there? “Behold ye, and be not afraid.” Gross. Innocent was confused for a moment. Was Innocent wandered up to the back seat, swaying their one Gods or Dogs? They had been unex- with the trolley’s . There was a postit on pectedly favoured by a Divine Apparition and the carton. It said, Fresh From The Cow! :) had been addressed by the Gods, and their pi- They sniffed cautiously at the carton. Sealed as ous duty of Fetching Some Milk could hardly be it was, it did indeed seem to be fresh, or at least gainsaid... hold on, or was it that the Dogs had lack the definite signs of being Unfresh. Well, contacted them as part of one of those nefarious they were on a Mission From the Gods. It and intricate schemes to Fetch Some Milk? No, seemed this had just been a somewhat anticlimatic no, that seemed very much like somebody else’s one. objective entirely... Innocent pulled the stop-chain and, whistling For some reason, a climax was swelling out of along with their jaunty backing track, disem- Suspenseful Music. From where could that have barked, milk in hand. sprung? They turned around. *** ***

8 Innocent turned around and lo! they had been “Yes I did! There was loads of blood and ev- right all along. Or wrong all along. Or both. erything!” They beheld on the “Oh for Plotness Sake! No one even knows Evil turned around and lo! they had been right who’s talking anymore! We’re going to have to all along. Or wrong all along. Or both. They reboot whole Arc, the Producers Will Not Be beheld on the Happy!” road before them Anubis, Jackal-Headed God of the Journey to the Underworld, they *** beheld on the road before them Xolotl, Dog- Headed God of Fire and Lightning and they It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single beheld on the road before them Fenrir, Great man in possession of a good fortune must be in Wolf and Bane of Odin. want of a wife... That didn’t make things any easier at all, thought Evil / Innocent. Well, at least they were certainly on a Mission From The Gods / Dogs. Or Dogs / Gods. Or... No! Damn it. A Mission From... “Sorry, are you a God or a Dog? I’m having a bit of trouble keeping things straight, I think there may have been a temporal anomaly at some point.” “BE NOT CONFUSED MORTAL,” the clearly Ancient and Immortal being before them boomed, “I AM THE ONE WHO SENT YOU ON YOUR MISSION TO FETCH SOME MILK, A MISSION YOU HAVE AT LAST COM- PLETED!” “But could you just clarify if you’re on the side of Good or Evil?” “I SERVE TO BRING ABOUT WHAT IS BEST FOR THE WORLD!” This wasn’t a particularly helpful answer. It was well known that the Forces of Good always told the truth, but it was also known that the Forces of Evil always lied about their intentions and had Title Containing What In Hindsight been known to pretend to be the Forces of Good Turns Out To Be A Pun On A Major as part of their Nefarious Plans. Furthermore, Plot Point — Extras no one was quite sure which sides the Dogs and Gods were on. The quiet strings of Confusion were abruptly interrupted by the thunderclap of Last Act Rev- Comments: elation. From around a street corner strode the Plotmaster and the Worldbuilder. “Oh good grief.” — Danielle “Stop this right now, this has all gotten very Silly!” Alternative Title Suggestions: “But how can this be? I saw you die!” “Ah, but you Never Saw the Bodies.” “14 writers in possession of a good chain must be in want of a plot.”

9 A Close Shave significance of the event as much as they could, it would as always, all climax at that crowning Ed Heaney, Nick Heitler, Danielle Saunders, event, the truly momentous occasion that was The Megan Griffiths, Adam Jermyn, Harley Jones, Sharpening of the Scissors. Alex Guttenplan, Olivia Morley, Jake Choules, Even the king’s obliviousness was a part of it, it Samuel Cook, Sarah Binney, Alastair Haig, was a ritual as old as time itself practically. This Mark Johnson year however, it was going to be different. The Great Laughing Man knew well the true, darker he Master of Pigeons held, with a certainty purpose of the haircut, and this year the Lord of T bordering on fanaticism, that it was advan- Blackchapel had decided too that enough was, fi- tageous to the point of necessity to first consult nally enough. the astrologer. On the eve of the Sharpening, when the ex- The Silver Lady Armourer derided the Mas- citement was at its peak, the Lord of Blackchapel ter’s conviction, openly suggesting that aesthetics numbly fingered the bottle of red dye currently re- were vastly more important than omens, but when siding in his pocket. If this went wrong, it is quite pressed for details of her plan, backed down from possible that he and he alone could see how dis- daring actually to make a suggestion. astrous the consequences would be. Behind ev- The Lord of Blackchapel and the Three Troughs ery ritual superstition and every blow struck in was not hesitant in suggesting that in this modern the great debating halls, there was an element of age, severe and pragmatic, nothing would be more real, powerful, truth. Not to mention that, if ap- appropriate than removing everything. It would be pearances were not kept up, there were those who symbolic, too, of a fresh start; surely the public would notice the lack of the King’s New Hairdo. would approve. He had not known what to expect, hours ago, The Great Laughing Man wondered whether it when he had put out the first tentative feelers. were even desirable, let alone necessary, to consult Nothing so unsubtle as a Silenced Petition or a the wishes of the public, and countered the Lord murmur in the hallways or even an Unsimple Hus- with the suggestion that in fact opulence would be ting, although all had been considered. But there appropriate; surely, he asserted, the public would had been Words spoken by People, most of whom feel short-changed in any other situation. were connected to the Lord of Blackchapel in suffi- Nobody had even considered consulting the ciently obvious ways that none would suspect they King, but it was so much trouble getting an answer were connected to the Lord of Blackchapel. And out of him that it would hardly have contributed then — minutes ago — the Lord of Blackchapel to the important points of the discussion, or the had found a small vial in his pocket. cut and thrust of the debate. In fact, it’s entirely Mysterious, or perhaps finally someone at court possible that he didn’t know he was getting a hair- was willing to assume that appearances really were cut at all. the truth of things. Perhaps the Great Laugh- All this went on in the background for ing Man, with his love of the flamboyant. Maybe some time, tensions gradually rising to a great she who armoured the impassive Silver Ladies who crescendo, such that without a word being said guarded the sanctity of the debating chamber and even the Men Of the Far Desert Geode, who lived its aesthetics. under a literal rock with their heads in the literal Or it was a trap. There were those who would sand had to stand up (coughing the sand out of bring down the Royal Behairing for their own ends. their lungs, how they actually survived was — and Not to mention bringing him down — an avowed as far as this humble Loremaster of the Forgotten modernist was a good scapegoat for most things. Ages knows, still is — a total mystery) and realise The inevitable, horrific fall-out would be ascribed that an extremely important event was about to to him, and many would profit from it. be afoot. It could not be helped. Blackchapel nodded to The arguing between those in the khnow was the Silver Ladies flanking the entrance to the Halls just a triviality. All there to build up and up the before slipping out into the city.

10 Here, the sky was darkening and the festival just “You are in grave danger. Gather your things. beginning. The streets were still relatively pass- I’ll explain on the way!” able, and he was able to move with ease whilst also At this stage the two men were somewhat remaining unnoticed amongst the early revellers. louder than a whisper, and as he pulled the Barber Food stalls were littered across the paths, sell- out of bed the Lord of Blackchapel glanced over ers hurrying to prepare their merchandise for the at the Barber’s wife, wary for signs of her waking. When The Sharpening actually began, it would be The Barber looked away to gather his things, and impossible to traverse the city via surface routes, the Lord of Blackchapel quickly poured half of the so he would have to move quickly in order to re- dye in the vial onto the bed where the Barber had turn to his position for the end of the event. lain, careful of his patterning. In the quiet dark the Before The Sharpening could begin, the Royal Barber saw nothing and his wife heard nothing. Scissors would need to be transported from their Out the door they went, and into the city. The summer residence in the eastern quarter. It was Lord of Blackchapel kept them moving, never rest- to this location, the appointed lodgings of His ing and never pausing to explain. The Barber Majesty’s Barber, that the Lord of Blackchapel quickly lost his breath, and so it became a moot made his way, skirting around the main entrance point. The Lord of Blackchapel guided him into from which the scissors would be carried to the an inn, but not before concealing both of their back door of the property. The location of the faces under heavy cloaks. He paid the innkeeper door being known only by a privileged few, there for a room and left the Barber in a rush, telling were no guards standing by, and Blackchapel was him only that “they would come” if he didn’t stay able to enter the building using the Spare Key put. With that, and the vial carefully in hand, the (granted to those most trusted members of the Lord of Blackchapel went on his way. Royal Court, able to unlock almost every govern- ment owned lock in the kingdom.) *** The key did not belong to the Lord, but rather While Blackchapel was ushering the Barber to the had been pilfered from the Silver Lady Armourer inn, another figure had arrived at the Barber’s by a maid (extremely well paid for her silence), house. Covered with a dark cloak, the hood drawn before being copied and cut (by a locksmith who well over his head, he was sufficiently concealed would rather his criminal exploits remain anony- that none saw him enter; nor did he make a sound, mous) and replaced in her chambers all during as he too had a Spare Key. He sneaked down to breakfast. With a plot that if uncovered before its the basement where the scissors were kept; the completion could leave him if not very nearly dead, lock on the vault was still secure, and he breathed then very actually dead, the Lord of Blackchapel a sigh of relief. The vault was held both by a preferred to have as much plausible deniability as conventional lock and also by a combination lock; possible. there was only one person in the kingdom who The Scissors themselves were housed in a se- held a Spare Key and knew the number for the cure vault in the basement, Blackchapel however combination lock. headed in the opposite direction, upstairs and to- His majesty chuckled as he removed the scis- wards the bed chambers of the Barber. sors from their vault. No haircut for me this year, With a deftness hardly characteristic of one he thought to himself as he carefully re-locked the in as high as position as himself, the Lord of door. The ceremony was one which he had de- Blackchapel silently yet quickly opened the doors spised ever since ascending to the throne at the to the chamber and crept in. Hoping to avoid age of 7; this time, he thought, I shall not un- waking the Barber’s wife, he carefully tapped the dergo it! After all, what’s the point of being King man on his forearm. if you’re forced to have unpleasant haircuts every “Quickly!”, the Lord of Blackchapel whispered. year? Besides, as he leapt across the rooftops, he “Quickly we must go.” was having the most fun he’d had in years. He “Hurghhh? Er, what?” responded the barely arrived at the city wall, and, locating a stone, tied awakened Barber. the scissors to it and hurled them into the river.

11 A satisfied smirk was on his face as he made his hoping to sound attentive, and from the look of way back to the palace. the Commander of the Guard, not quite succeed- But his absence had not gone unnoticed. ing. “Yes, Your Majesty. And I would also contact *** the astrologer. This is a grave omen that she would do well to shed some light on” The Commander of the Guard stood before the The Process of Calling the Astrologer was throne, his posture somehow even more ramrod- started, with the Commander of the Guard order- straight than the Guardsmen on either side, the ing One of the Guard to contact a Silver Lady who manner his salute making it clear that he expected would run up to the Astrologer’s Tower, which was to be giving the orders here rather than taking now just a room on the top floor after an alcohol them. The King on the throne, dwarfed by it like induced accident had burned down the last Tower. a stuffed toy left in an armchair, looked up. This ritual was interrupted when a sudden “Yes, Commander? Is there a reason why you shriek hit the air as the still warm body of the have disturbed us?” Master of Pigeons was found, having suffered a “You know very well why, Your Majesty. The fatal heart attack after having his final consulta- Barber is missing or dead. The Scissors are gone. tion with the astrologer. She was sad over his Somebody must be attempting to Behair a pre- death as his near obsession over her readings had tender.” done wonders to her self esteem, however she now The King waved his hand. “Surely my ex- would have a lot more free time to enjoy other tremely competent Guard are aware of this plot? pursuits. He had been her only truly frequent cus- The Realm has survived its like in the past.” tomer. “Yes, and your father worried so much about Yet this death, another strange coincidence them that he had no hair left for the Barber to within 24 hours. Could the Behairing plot be cut.” larger than imagined? “My father was a wise man, but perhaps too “No.” prone to worry. Do you, or do you not, know who “What?” The King’s mind had wandered so the plotters are?” far away that he couldn’t even remember what “If we did, Your Majesty, the pretender would question he had asked the Astrologer to prompt have no head left to Behair. But as we do not-” such an answer. The King thought of interrupting, then thought “The Pigeoner was old and sickly. It does not better of it. surprise me that he would die now, plot or no.” “-as I was saying, you cannot leave the palace “Oh. So it wasn’t, um, written in the stars or without a bodyguard under these circumstances anything?” as you did last night. Of course we noticed, did “It probably was,” said the Astrologer, squint- you think we would not? It would be a dereliction ing up at the ceiling of the throne room as though of your duty to the Realm to get yourself killed.” she could see the stars through it, “but I would “I am the King! I decide what my duties are.” have to check.” She turned to the Commander of “Your Majesty, you are twelve years old!” the Guard. “Might I perhaps be taken to the scene Struck by this inarguable truth, the King re- of the Barber’s disappearance, that I might better lented. From the experience with the scissors last discern the Order of the Cosmos as it pertains to night, he knew when subtlety was more important. this situation?” The fact that the Barber was missing/dead on The Commander gave a questioning glance to the same night as the theft was a huge coincidence the King and was met by a silent, hesitant nod. that the King could not ignore. So much so, that “I myself must lead the search party, but one of he missed the entirety of what the Commander of my men” — he gestured to a guard — “will show the Guard had just said. you there.” “Is that really necessary?” the King inquired, As the assembled company filed out of the

12 throne room to their various destinations, the King constant, which was indicative of deceit, surprise found himself gazing absent-mindedly upwards. and treacle. This seemed to pass muster, as far as The haircut was averted for now, but he worried she could tell from her escort’s reaction. Mulling that the stars might have other dreadful things over what the dye and the mud meant, she and written in them for him. A bath, for example. He her escort left the house. shuddered inwardly and shifted in his throne, and “But the SCISSORS!” wailed the Auspicial the rustling of his robes echoed across the now- Window-Caster, who had always been prone to empty room, crisp against the cold stone walls. melodrama. “Whatever are we to DO?” The barber, perhaps unsurprisingly, rarely cut “Keep your hair on,” grumbled the Unforsaken himself shaving, so the red blotch on his shirt puz- Archbishop of the Periodical Dynamo. “We can zled him. use another pair. Nobody would notice.” However, not nearly as much as what he was “Notice?!” interjected the Mathemagician doing hiding in an inn or who they were, nor Supreme. “Not to split hairs, Archbishop, but the why they would come for him if he left his room. Scissors are unique! The King could have a hair- Maybe he could just risk going downstairs for a cut, naturally, but without the Scissors it would drink and some breakfast? Yes, that would be fine, not be the Haircut.” surely? He wouldn’t be leaving the inn, would he? “Perhaps,” said the Silver Lady Armourer, “we And he was rather peckish. Yes, that would be must allow ourselves to be guided by the fate of fine. the Scissors. This year the King’s Haircut shall be He left his room. one in which his hair happens not to be cut at all. The Lord of Blackchapel was also puzzled. How He shall be a leaf on the wind, carried not by his was it that on exactly the same day as his long- choice but by the aesthetic values of Nature and considered plan to subvert the Behairing by steal- Chance themselves.” ing the Barber, someone else should also try to do “Preposterous!” The Window-Caster was hav- exactly the same thing by stealing the Scissors? ing a bad hair day. “What if something were to This was most awkward. His thunder had been happen to the King? Then there would be no Hair stolen, for one thing. There was only one thing to the Throne!” for it: he would have to find the Scissors (or, at “That would not do!” least, find a Scissors); otherwise, all his planning The eyes of all the Ladies and Lords of the Court and plotting would be for naught. Maybe the As- swung as one to the figure with the booming voice trologer would have seen some portents to help who now stood at the doorway to the Hall of En- direct his search? It couldn’t hurt to ask, while thronement. Dripping with water, striding with he summoned his infinitely-more-reliable agents to righteous purpose towards them, clad in sodden find out if they’d seen anything. robes of fine slate wool, was the Grey Laughing The Astrologer and her escort arrived at the Man. As he neared the Dais of Regal Imperative Barber’s house and were let in by the Barber’s all around him saw he held something in his right wife, who was fast on her way to being an end- hand. member of the distraught spectrum. After calm- “Could it be?” gasped the Archbishop. ing her down with some mystic mumbo-jumbo and a sneaky bit of sedative powder, the Astrologer as- “We find ourselves in a — heehee — hairy situ- cended to the bedroom. She immediately clocked ation, my Lords and Ladies,” announced the Man. that the red dye was, in fact, red dye, and that “But” — he giggled — “I believe I have taken the the Barber was therefore very much alive. Blood King from the cross hairs of Doom and rendered would have been blacker. There were also clear recent events merely that of a Close Shave.” With mud stains coming into the room from the stair- a flamboyant flourish he placed the Scissors upon case that led up from the rear door. Someone their prescribed slot in the Throne. with a Spare Key had done this. For show, she Much uproar was stirred throughout the court, muttered some vague nonsense about the Weasel particularly from the Red and Blue Laughing Men, being in the Thirteenth House of Carnil the In- present as proxies to the Great Laughing Man,

13 who was notably absent on ‘Official Business’. *** The Grey Laughing Man had been banished from the court 3 years ago following The Incident dur- The Commander of the Guard drained his tankard. ing the Painting of the Royal Bedchamber, and As he slammed it back to the table, a nervous man yet stood now at the Throne, waving the Scissors jumped and made eye contact. around. The first double-take was performed by the ‘Ha ha.’ said the Red Laughing Man, in a seri- Commander of the Guard, and it was the kind that ous tone, ‘good to see you Grey. He he.’ clanked and caused onlookers to run for cover. ‘Hoo hoo,’ smiled the Blue Laughing Man, step- The second double-take was entirely down to ping towards the throne, ‘the Great Laughing Man the Barber, and it was the kind which you could will want to know where you found those. Chortle only possibly perform if you had been holding chortle.’ The Blue Laughing Man stopped briefly, an absolute certainty that the heavily armoured wondering whether saying the word chortle was man across the room was not one of them, but enough to properly qualify as a Laughing Man, were now forced to contend with the equally ab- before continuing; ‘How can we be sure that you solute certainty that said heavily armoured man aren’t using this... hair-raising experience to fur- was storming towards you. ther your own agenda?’ The Blue Laughing Man The third and final double-take belonged to the grimaced at his own pun, but retained a watchful Astrologer, and it was the most well-performed of eye on the Grey Laughing Man. the three. It was also the least sincere, since it ‘Well,’ snickered the Grey Laughing Man, ‘lend served only to cover the fact that she had just me your shears...’ come up with a Plan. The Commander of the Guard grabbed the Bar- *** ber, hefted him over one burly and incredibly un- ceremonious shoulder, and set off for the palace The Commander of the Guard had given up the at a run. search for the Barber. He and the Astrologer had The Astrologer also hurried out, but her chosen met and decided that if the Barber was going to route to the palace could, at best, be described as be found, the stars would have said so and they circuitous. would have found him by now, so instead they both found a nice inn to have some food and drink. *** A nervous man tapped the Commander on the shoulder and asked if he was one of them. After The Lord of Blackchapel intercepted the Com- the Commander shook his head, the man nodded mander of the Guard at the palace gate, another and returned to his drink and breakfast. Cunning Plan forming even as he arrived. This Cunning Plan failed precisely three and a half *** strides later, not even overcoming the first hurdle. It is surprisingly difficult to jump hurdles when The Lord of Blackchapel had given up the search slung over someone else’s shoulder. for the Astrologer. She wasn’t in her tower, and the Silver Lady indicated that she had gone Out. *** Blackchapel decided that if the Astrologer was Out, things surely were ominous, and he should The Grey Laughing Man bowed, or rather, doubled do something about them. over giggling; the two were always difficult to tell apart. The rest of the court stood silent for but a *** moment, before uproar descended. The King sidled carefully out of the room, The Great Laughing Man woke up from his Official straight into the oncoming bulk of the Captain Business, squinted through his shutters at the sun, of the Guard, complete with matching Barber and swore, with a chuckle, and hurried to pull on his Blackchapel shoulder ornaments. The four went ceremonial robes. down in a clattering, rattling mass of limbs.

14 The Unforsaken Archbishop lived up to her The ********’s Tale name, unfurling a pair of scissors from under- neath her mitre. The Window-Caster cast first Samuel Cook, Harley Jones, Tristan Roberts, one window, and then a second, adding to the ca- Curtis Reubens, Rory Hennell-James, Sarah cophony the revered air of a true sage about their Binney, Adam Jermyn, Charlotte Griffiths, business, counterpoised against the high-pitched Ed Heaney, Greg Weir, Sparta, Alex Gutten- trill of shattering glass. The Mathemagician de- plan, Megan Griffiths, Bryn Reinstadler, Mark manded a head. The Silver Lady Armourer was Johnson already half way across the room, looking dead set on taking one. ‘Level-9 demiurge in Sector 3. Dark minions gathering rapidly. The King rolled clear from the clutches of the Level-2 necromancer summoning Captain of the Guard, fleeing through the open Dead galore in Sector 4 with a ring. doors. The Lord of Blackchapel was not so lucky. These are the new incidents of the day. Rather stunned, the Barber staggered to his feet. Go to your daily work stations, I pray’ The Astrologer chose that moment to bustle The start of another new day was it — into the room, dragging with her a protesting Dark Being Investigation Unit Royal Personage. With a minimum of effort, the Emblazoned everywhere for we worked there, Astrologer installed a Royal Bottom firmly on the Ensuring evil stay’d in limits fair. Royal Throne, and bade the Barber to commence Helchant and Happin, those were our good names, the Behairing. Enforcement detectives, we were the same. With a masterful swish, the Barber guided the To us two would these new incidents fall; scissors through the first cut, before looking on in We would have to go and visit them all confusion as a single lock of golden hair drifted To check that the laws, the rules were being main- down to rest upon the throne. tain’d: “A royal hair has come to the throne! The King To whit, good and proper treatment of slaves, is fled! Long live the. Erm. Queen?” No world-ending mega-super-weapons, Secret bases with much ventilation (How else was the hero to gain access?), Torture, spikes and cackling not to excess, Pillage and nous of minions kept in check, Shooting and fighting skills av’rage at best. You get the idea, need we continue? To the day’s work now turned our minds two. ‘To Sector 3 must we go first, Helchant, I think; that demiurge has us aslant Looked for a while now, it seems to me.’ ‘Happin, I do most certainly agree, Crafty and cunning, apt to rule-breaking, A Close Shave — Extras Will most sickerly be such a being. If not restrain’d, a sector could we lose. Our stockpil’d weaponry we’d have to use, Comments: Or even a full Emergency call. A failure that would be for us all.’ “After reading the first line of this story, I had a ‘Then let us, Helchant, most quickly away; clear job that needed doing. I may have spent To Sector 3 we go without delay.’ my 250 words on plot-useless sidetrack, but I *** achieved my goal.” — Olivia Arriving through the portal to the wastes, “Death to the pigeons.” — Olivia Bedecked with weaponry, lest we be faced

15 with adversarial minions of the foe, Should you fall on the path of this, your quest to the dark tower we hasted us to go. The dolphins will not leave like they’re my guest The door of blacken’d wood lower’d o’er our Manta rays, shrimp and goldfish shall I keep heads; You rule-minded jobsworths will start to weep The mighty locks and bars of heavy lead as from the marshy shallows of my lake And knocker, shapen like a mighty skull, I the crocodiles and piranhas will take Or hanging doorbell’s rope for one to pull, My fiercest Gators too shall not be spar’d Attached thereunto, gave us a clear sign But into rich burgers shall be prepar’d Of what nature of man we’d find inside. For a barbecue at which I shall feast ‘Well, let’s get on with it’, good Happin sighed; Which you would miss as you would be deceas’d. I nodded my assent and tugged the rope. Bring the champion’s great portion back to me The sound that met our ears defied all hope; And no need for gatorburgers there’ll be. The dread bells rang a soul-destroying tune: Dolphins I will allow you to remove The theme from Fawlty Towers. None too soon, Whilst the remaining gators I’ll approve. The grim gate opened wide; two guards stood Crocodiles and piranhas too shall stay there, If you succeed in this great task I say.” And as we entered in that gruesome pair Happin did soon speak, “Lord ******, Escorted us to a vast reception room If we this task-” I shushed him. “No, hang on, Wherein sat that great harbinger of doom, Say, who are you, Lord? For we are the law. Lord ********, upon a mighty throne The DBIU aren’t minions of yours. Of oaken wood, about which there were strewn We shall not carry out your tired mission. The skulls of former enemies, picked clean I hereby reject all your conditions.” By ******’s ravens; no more mean And vicious birds on this world did appear. *** Then Happin spoke, his voice betraying no fear: “We’re from the DBIU; our sources say “Well that went well.” “Oh, do shut up Happin.” That you’ve been contravening rule 12a “No really, well done. I would be clapping, Of the dark lord procedural guidance code”. Were it not for the manacles we wear. Lord *****’s face grew red with rage; Antagonise the villain. Good plan, yeah?” My hand reached for my pistol; at this stage “Shut up, Happin.” I just needed to think, No caution was too great for us to take. But thinking’s hard hanging above the drink. “We do require,” I said, “that in your lake “Dictate to me, will you?” ****** Piranhas, crocodiles or gators only swim; Yelled up at us from solid ground beneath. Expressly not allowed are your dolphins.” “Say hello to my dolphins!” she did gloat, Lord ******** stood from th’onyx throne And sent us tumbling down into the moat. And declar’d “I shall keep gators alone We hit; If you do this terrible task for me I thrashed; You must journey below to circle three I pulled; And from deep within that most fetid mire the shackles held; Fetch me the object of my heart’s desire I choked and spluttered; and retrieve it from the guard of the worm my breath I’d expelled in face of whose roar no man may stand firm. On impact; What there you’ll seek for me is hidden well; Couldn’t breathe; In the slush of the third circle of hell I kicked my feet; There lies the champion’s portion of a pig The sharks; Garnished with rosemary’s finest sprig Where were the sharks; Destined to the bravest of them all We were dead meat The greatest to set foot in Hell’s feast-hall. If they reached us; Bring this token as bounty back to me A pain; And I shall make my dolphins be set free; A shredding tear;

16 But as the gator caught me I found air. You’re wanting the forms Twenty Omega Sept, A deep breath, two, my lungs I filled once more. Requisition of stock for Impending Death. Then punched the beast that through my leg had And don’t confuse it with Infectious Disease!” tore. Thus spake the Warden of Inventories, It retreated, but left the water red. Who with one razor ruby claw If I kept losing blood I’d soon be dead, Handed Happin a form I’d not seen before. Not to mention the sharks that would find me, The DBIU’s bureaucracy did Drawn by my scent and whipped into frenzy. Confound us, but still we heeded And as I struggled, so Happin did too, The Warden’s yet unambiguous rule Although his blood was a shade of sky-blue. As with ****** we both prepared to duel. Unbeknownst to the Lord, I had concealed, (Well, truel, in truth.) Our weapon obtained, A steel-fang’d knife in my boots rubber-heel’d. Our mission now clear, our goal ascertained, My left hand press’d to my life-bleeding wound, We made to return to ******’s lair, While with my right the black blade silver-run’d, Now better prepared ’gainst what we found there. I held up and search’d, ’cross water wine-dark, Dreading the sight of a cruel-finn’d shark. *** I look’d to the front, the back and the right, Then to my left saw a terrible sight, Hastily now we walked to the tow’r, Closing in swiftly a sword-blade tall fin, With intent and strength not to cower. Drawn by the blood of myself and Happin. These Lords rule their worlds with iron and ire, Awaiting strong jaws, my eyes I did close, But that’s not a match for our nuclear fire! But felt on my arm a kind bottle nose. Through new-burned holes in the door we did There had not come the sharks I had feared, walk, But in their place had dolphins appeared. Glowing scorches warned those who would gawk. With gentle pushes, dolphins number’d four The guards did run as we melt’d their stations, Carry’d us over to the moat’s safe shore. Metal and pride we fissioned with patience. Panting and gasping and bleeding we lay, We took the long way round, spreading ruin, But retreat was not DBIU’s way. To make sure the Lord knew trouble was brew’n. ’gainst life-bleeding wounds I held my black blade, Why not make a show of it, after all, And with black witch-fire, clean new flesh was How oft’ do you see a demagog fall? made. And so we wound our way through the castle, Dark Lord ****** had broken the law, Happin and Helchant, without a hassle. This sort of thing did our masters abhor. But then we turn’d to the inner chambers, On top of all this she had done much worse, And resistance we found full of dangers. By attacking us herself she did curse, It started with a wall that would not melt, For miss-stocking moats, there is but a fine, And stubbornly lasted us with not a welt. For acting ’gainst us, it is on the tine Then we knew, the lord had technology, Of a trident she must be impaled That went beyond simple mineralogy. From helmeted head to legs black-mailed. These walls were not rock but forcefields too, To perform this task we had not the skill, With strength beyond our guns’ nuclear goo. The strength or the arms this Dark Lord to kill We had thought of this though and without a But p’rhaps with assistance from DBIU’s pause, Illicit arsenal we might just choose Turned and ran swiftly away from the cause. A tool of such power, such evil, that soon And once we were a safe distance away, Our nemesis Lord would be facing her doom. Happin call’d in an airstrike, hip-hip h’rray! Being on the side of the law is nice, *** That kind of power hasn’t a price! So swiftly we went back to the wall, “Weapons that might ****** obliterate? And found it demolish’d, forcefield and all. A fine mess you’re both in. I commiserate. Wary of more tech we walk’d further on,

17 Hoping the Lord had nothing further drawn. Is speak your name. Why else would you conceal Many stairs were ahead and spiralled down That fact, unless some strange unholy deal To a dark and dull subterranean town Made speaking it a weapon. It gets worse; Where nothing approached was quite as it seemed You’ve no idea how difficult my verse With pillars of water and marble streams Will be to write with all these lines of stars. Above all else it was quiet and still The epic will be ludicrous; bizarre — Silence maintained by our government skill. What syllables therein? What metric stress? But a path was laid out and here we march’d The reader has no clue, and I confess Beneath vaulted ceilings and doorways arch’d No more do I. So I shall substitute Careful note we took of every law Those asterisks for that forbidden fruit: Broken by ******’s hidden floor. Your true and only name; I need but speak...” The road leads on to mysterious lights But here was hesitation! What technique Beneath a dome of incredible heights Could Helchant have to know that secret word? Where, imprison’d up in a glowing sphere Or did he bluster, spouting the absurd Is every dolphin, squeaking with fear In hopes that ********* by mistake Their sweet bottle noses mask’d with red tape — Might then let slip the syllables to make? They never should’ve helped the strangers escape. Or maybe it’s just *********? Who can guess? From the darkness an indescribable laugh Not Helchant, or we’d not be in this mess... Rumbles and echoes and cuts us in half But heed! For he did not stand there alone! And words that seem to bleed from the stone Before the tyrant there in might enthroned. Say “You fools have come back, and come back For facing where the mighty warlord sat alone! Stood not a hero, but a bureaucrat. Didn’t I tell you the terrible price And standing there in spirit with we two That your actions would bring: this sacrifice Was all the strength of the DBIU. Is about to begin, so take a seat As ********* stood, waxing full in rage, Before very long we’ll have something to eat.” Bold Helchant stood forth, taking centre stage; The squeaking increas’d to a frantic pitch A ruse! A trick! For what the tyrant missed As a shadow mov’d to a giant switch Was Happin calling a receptionist. Connecting the floating water bubble To DBIU’s fact-repository To a mains supply, now that meant trouble Quoth Happin “Would you find a name for me?” But undeterr’d, Happin sprung from the ground, “And when you have it, swiftly ring me back.” Launching towards the desperate sound Quoth Archives “I must head into the stack.” Of many a dolphin begging for grace We knew we must survive now, come what may Whilst Helchant side-stepp’d to the shadowy place — And pulled an extension lead free from the wall, ’Twas time to block, and dodge, and run away. Noting the cables weren’t cover’d at all, And it was then the villain did guffaw And watch’d as the light sunk back to its source Dreadful her cry, “Where now is your great law? So now at least there would be no main course For you, standing now, within Sector Three, And the dolphin’s rejoic’d as their saviour flew The heart of my realm, fate belongs to me!” Towards the bubble to slice it through Then lift`edher arms above her head But Happin soon fell back to the ground — And curse she utter’d that filled them with dread. They were safe for now, but in force-field sur- Cracks in the floor began to surround rounds. Them and air filled with bone-chilling sound. The dolphins still were cag`ed!What to do? The walls, the ceilings consum`edby shakes And what would you have done, had we been you? ******** had power to call earthquakes! ’Twas Helchant in the end who made the leap; The DBIUs mov’d ’way from the cracks So obvious in hindsight, I could weep. To a safe place, with pillar at their backs. “Lord *********!” he cried aloud, From there they saw, ’twas not earthquake at all “I know your weakness; how you might be cow’d; But out of the ground rose huge, silver ball. And how we’ll quash you. All I have to do And spark`edthe orb! They trembled in fear

18 Not knowing what they would see, feel or hear. ****** was not a villain raised As open’d its maw, they scream`edin twain But from a middle class family phased Expecting to feel their life-ending pain. To this present fa¸adeof righteous rage. But to their surprise, ’twas not their demise With tears a streaming down his swollen face, Instead it had ********’s greatest prize. Happin shakily redialled the base Pouring out roses, tulip, daffodil Surveying the villain with watery eye, Hyacinths and more; the room it did fill. He chanced a guess, took his phone to reply — Happin was shock’d, he could not believe her — “If ****** is not the Stacks, Helchant and he had awful hay fever! Look instead at school records for her tracks; ******** owning flowers a-plenty, I’d wager she’s forty” (an outraged gasp) — Clearly a breach of rule seven-twenty. “Make that thirty five” he managed to rasp, Essential for villain to be brought in, “An all-girls school somewhere near to the sea But against the pollen, how could they win? With programmes in force-field technology. Happin let out a gargantuan sneeze Somewhere near to the top of her class And blurry-eyed Helchant fell to his knees. But with the rules she may tend to pass” Dolphins still hover’d above them, cag`ed This trait that had drawn the DBIU Watching their heroes and war they wag`ed Would now then at last provide them a clue. As Happin crawl’d across petal`edstone, The agents and Lord ******** alike But out of his pocket slipp`edthe phone Waited and heard the receptionist type It buzzed unheard — DBIU rules state Acutely aware her downfall was near, All agents must leave mobiles on vibrate ******** summoned a watery sphere While in the field, so the Archivist heard “Agents you think that you work here is done Instead of Happin’s answer, just these words But look to your comrades — you haven’t won. “As Agent Happin can’t get to his phone ’Tis true my name is key to my power At this time, kindly please await the tone But listen to this; your victory’s sour — Before you leave your message — it will keep The moment you speak it my empire falls Until Happin’s had time to hear it — BEEP” Including the dolphins trapped in these balls.” “Happin? I’ve looked, but still I think we lack “What’s more,” ******** said with happy tone, A record of a ****** in the Stacks “In this wat’ry sphere is a pig, full-grown, What’s more, from what you say this being’s done Kill´edand cook´edand prim´edand big, I’d wager that there won’t even be one Garnish´edwith rosemary’s finest sprig” The flowers and tech don’t seem that Dark at all A yell, a shout, as Happin figured out For all the dolphins that she holds in thrall That in the third circle of hell, no doubt, And all her threats, and plans, and plots and A nightmarish feast-hall had responded schemes to the fact that its pig was absconded. It’s not DBIU that haunts her dreams The walls of the hall had begun to shake This Demiurge, this Terror of the Age “Doubtless, the minions of hell overtake Is not a Lord of Dark, but one of Beige!” the moat, oh, the grounds — my, what a And with that message ringing loud and clear headache,” The room was split, in triumph and in fear. said Helchant, still on the petal´edground For ******** ’twas a terrible blow, Unable from spring fever to rebound. Her devious deeds consign´edas so. Just when the hall with near imp-roars did sing Now Happin allowed a tentative smile Was heard from near Happin — a soft “ring ring” In hopes that his efforts had been worthwhile; The ringing went on as the hoards drew near For though ******** remained unnam´ed A quiet “ring” hung in everyone’s ear Her truest character was reveal´ed For if the phone were to go to voicemail Helchant and Happin saw through her disguise That might be the end of this too-long tale. Her history built on nothing but lies Happin dove for the phone — too late, too late It seem´ed so obvious now; so plain — What else could botanical knowledge explain? The imps had come to bring them to their fate.

19 Swarming through windows and doorways and The ********’s Tale — Extras cracks Swinging a mace, a broadsword or an axe, Happin’s fingertips reach’d out for the cell — Editor’s Notes: “CRUNCH,” not ring-ring, was the next sounding knell. As you have likely guessed, this was another ‘un- An axe-swinging imp had dispatched the phone usual’ chainstory, in that it was less of a ‘story’ By standing ’pon it with large ankle-bone. and more of a, well, Epic Verse... The dolphins were saved! (well, to some extent — our heroes had to deal with hell-fiend scent) Comments: (also the weapons, let’s not forget those And ********* and well... yes, many foes) “That people to the rhyme scheme largely stuck And so, with a roar, Happin set his feet, And leapt o’er to rising Helchant, to meet was a tremendous slice of golden luck What fate may befall them, standing as one, To not let it part them ’fore they were gone. To Chaucer’s tome a worthy addition And so they stood, back to back, weapons set, The Tale of CUSFS; what great scansion!” As around them all of their nightmares met Together in a great swirling maelstrom; — Samuel Both the forces of hell and *********. Helchant struck; Happin slashed; a dolphin helped; Alternative Title Suggestions: A minion departed; a demon yelped. Helchant slashed; Happin struck; the dolphin “The Policeman’s Tale” crashed; For those ranged against them refused to be “Neutral Shades” smashed. “The Song of Silliness” The fiends gave no ground. ********* gave less. There seemed to be no way out of this mess. “Asterisk and The Dark Pit Of Hell” And so, you might ask, did our heroes prevail? Did they vanquish their foes, or did they fail? “Unnamed” For that you’d best let me finish my tale, So be a good friend, and bring me more ale.

20 The Tower of Stars Some of them blamed her. Most laughed at these few — after all, how could one so ignorant Tristan Roberts, Megan Griffiths, Bryn of the proper rites be to blame for anything? Reinstadler, Andrew Carlotti, Michael All of them kept away from her. French, Alastair Haig, Danielle Saunders, Rory Hennell-James, Jake Choules, Curtis It lounged just above the horizon, defying the Reubens, Greg Weir, Sparta documented paths of the constellations to loom above the shore day and night. It hung in defiance of the turning of the skies, ignoring the other lights he morning began as any other, with the that wheeled slowly past it. T sun rising over the harbour as the fishermen rubbed the sleep from their eyes and readied the No-one knew of anything similar in all of his- nets and lines for the day. tory, but cryptic references appeared in every half- forgotten fairytale where none had been before, At first, only the children noticed, their parents just as the star itself had done. The old ones dismissing their outbursts as or attention who knew the tales best dug out their treasured seeking; but it wasn’t long before they realised tales, to find the words and their memories were their mistake, there was a new star shining in the no longer in agreement. morning sky where there was none before. A runner from the village was sent up to the *** Tower of Stars. “I will hold you, even as stars long-forgotten drag *** themselves up.” Alaen had almost forgotten her brother’s presence before he spoke, quiet as he “The Tower of Stars?” Alaen looked up at her often was. He was a poet, though, or so their mother with wide, curious eyes. Beside her, her mother liked to remark, and occasionally he came brother suckled on his own thumb. “You mean out with a quote from some poem or tale she’d the old tower by the lake?” long forgotten. “Yes, the very same. Now hush, mummy’s Their mother smiled back at him. “Yes, but telling a story.” the Astrologarchs in their tower would have sworn to you that that line read entirely different. As it *** was, these new old tales still didn’t agree...”

The apprentice on star watch that evening, a *** bright young man who was sometimes overex- citable, had started compiling all relevant star Some said the star brought light, some said fire; charts of the area as soon as he noticed the some said it was sent, some said it escaped. Some anomaly; but the Astrologarchs had no answers, said nothing, but used many words to say it, either for villagers or for themselves. and no one knew what secret meaning they had From beneath the domed helm of the observa- missed. tory that capped the Tower of Stars, a lone woman Despite the vague half-truths, everyone agreed peered through the telescope in an attempt to lo- that the star could only be a portent for evil. cate the unexplained phenomenon. Miles away from the city to the remote Northern Selene was a young Astrologarch, and many of regions, the arrival of the star had not gone unno- the older Astrologarchs distrusted her. She was ticed. Eyes that had remained open and watchful not like them — for instance, she seemed to care for centuries flickered and closed in the new light. about the village down below. She also either ig- A staff held by ancient hands in the solitude of nored or forgot many of their ancient and estab- night slipped, just an inch, for the first in a long, lished rituals. Wisely, she kept her true opinions long time, before the grip was renewed. on such things to herself, otherwise the elders of Barriers held firm against forgotten horrors her order may have banished her from the land. shimmered, as if an ethereal stone had been placed

21 upon their surface. They rippled once, and were ple below. still. Beyond, something took notice. As the star continued to wax stronger day by The star’s light was cold and aloof in the sky, day, the streets became flooded with prophets of as if amused by her sudden drowsiness. She didn’t doom, day and night despite the curfew the As- understand what had happened. She could not re- trologarchs had enforced. No consensus to the member a time when she had not been alert, even form of the doom was yet made; was it the anger as the moons changed, as the years passed, as the of the stars, a sign from the greater powers or mountains themselves shifted; yet now it seemed the punishment for sins committed? All these and something had prevented her gaze, if only for a more were suggested, though few argued about second. Only one explanation sprang to mind. the specifics. Something was coming through. On the forty-second day, at precisely half past She knew not what was being hidden from eyes two in the morning whilst the city was asleep and built only to see, but turned one eye to the star. with the astrologarch apprentice on star duty in It too, needed watching now, though she could an alcohol induced daze, the beacon flared. never spare both. An apprentice, she concluded, A hooded figure, making no effort to move with would be required. Eyes ever watching, she set stealth yet somehow going unnoticed, slipped past off. the armed guard and into the vaults. The Watcher was returning to the Tower of Or almost unnoticed. The most ancient wards Stars. of the tower, crafted by Astrologarchs centuries The once-peaceful atmosphere of the fishing dead, woke up. Over centuries of improvement town had gained a hard edge over the last few the original systems the wards had controlled had days. been altered beyond recognition. The slow decay Mothers snapped at their children more often; of understanding and dedicated maintenance into butchers were less likely to throw the stray dogs ritual and tradition had been mirrored by a de- a spare scrap of meat; store owners were more cay in the efficacy of the wards. Magical power suspicious. The star hung, ever shining. coursed through circuits that hadn’t been thought Selene rushed down the archive’s marble stairs of in generations, but the only safety features left towards the Tower of the Stars, lifting the silvered working were the locks. They snapped shut on hem of her robe of office as an attendant followed, all the doors in the building, enough to hold up carrying the ancient tome. a mundane threat for a few minutes but barely enough to give pause to the hooded invader. Theories and arguments flew thick and fast across the Hall of the Sun as the Astrologarchs Up in her quarters, Selene felt a subtle change tried to reach some consensus. The Astrologa- in the aether. She knew that she was now trapped rchs famously struggled to reaching agreement on in the room, and she knew who was behind this. what to have for breakfast; what to do when faced Her eyes shifted to the parchment on her writing with something entirely new was beyond them. desk as she began to compose a letter. “The Wheatsheaf is a folklorish asterism, not a The figure moved silently past the rows of dusty true constellation — it cannot have any bearing tomes, ignoring them, passing by row after row of on this matter!” shelves with intensity and purpose until finding the Book. “Don’t be too set in your ways. Our art is scarcely more than elevated folklore in the first It was smaller than one might expect — maybe place.” a hand’s breadth high — but it would serve its purpose. After all, when knowledge is power the “Elevated and refined. Besides, the star, when vessel is inconsequential. Usually. it appeared, was closer to Acula than the so-called Wheatsheaf.” With barely a whisper of noise, the Book was whisked into the billowy black robe and out of the “And that means?” archive. Meetings stretched long into each night, the A paper plane glided down, guided by some in- mysterious star flickering as if in scorn at the peo-

22 visible force into the hands of a rather baffled sol- than a couple of inches. He couldn’t have done dier. much more than nodded off in that time, which A few minutes later, it was deposited on the would put the current time at... one, two o’clock? bedside table of a certain woman of office. What? The Mistress sighed, and heaved herself out of Michael rubbed his eyes and looked again out bed. the window of his lodgings. He again scanned the Selene was, she thought, a surprisingly good point of sky where the star had stood for the past source of information (for an Astrologarch). Al- month and a half. Empty. If the star was a herald, though she was single-minded and focused when then its master was surely here... at work, a few glasses of wine after a meal for A sharp knock at the door woke Michael from two tended to loosen her lips. She would let all his thoughts. He opened it to a man donned in a sorts of things slip sat by the cosy fire in the Mis- suit of armour. The soldier stood to attention as tress’ mansion, from hallowed, ancient secrets to Michael noticed his armour gleam just a little too Tower gossip. Unfortunately she was also surpris- much. ingly good at getting herself into sticky situations. “Good morning, Sir!” The fact that these situations were usually of the Michael pulled on his own armour as the soldier Mistress’ own devising, and that she never told Se- explained the situation. A brawl in the market lene about them, was irrelevant. She always tried square, riots in a neighbouring town. A display of to give the girl a reasonable nudge in the oppo- martial force was required. Neither Michael nor site direction from trouble, but Selene didn’t take the soldier mentioned the reason the soldier had hints. This evening, the Mistress had successfully come to wake Michael in place of the seagulls. convinced one of her other young Astrologarch in- Neither mentioned that the bright morning light formants to take his friends on an illicit drinking was out of place at barely an hour past midnight. expedition at her expense. The lad was popular, It was a tense exchange; both parties desperately and his generous offers of free alcohol had just aware of the danger looming over them. about cleared out the sleeping quarters of any po- Dressed if not prepared, Michael left his quar- tential interferers, but Selene had declined. ters to stand blinking in the — very, very early — Selene watched helplessly from the tower win- morning light. It was bright, and getting brighter. dow, long since having suspended her attempts to The soldiers marched into the market, shining escape the room in which she was held via the spears lowered to face the crushing mass that filled sealed doorway. All she could do now was wait for it. the Mistress to arrive. “You have been ordered to remain in the mar- Even before opening his eyes, Michael knew ket!” shouted an officer, seated on a nervous horse that something wasn’t quite right; for the first that kept bucking at the sight of the largest, most time in years, he hadn’t awoken to the screech- rowdy crowd this normally quiet seaside village ing of gulls outside his window. It was quiet. He had seen. risked a glance at the eastern horizon. Where once But even the soldiers’ strongest threats couldn’t hung the interloping star, there was now nothing keep the crowd in the square, in the face of the against the bright morning sky. advancing flames. Morning? It had to be, but he felt so tired. Some of them remained standing, rooted to the He struggled to remember his dreams at the best ground in fear. of times, but right now it felt as though he had scarcely dreamt at all. Some of them turned on the soldiers, seeking their horses, their weapons and their supplies. A smaller light caught his attention. On his bedside table, a small candle, which he had But most of them just fled — fled to the hills, absent-mindedly failed to extinguish before falling fled to the plains, and fled to the sea. Anywhere asleep. It ought to have burned right down by was better than Eastville, and nowhere worse than now, but by his reckoning it had lost barely more the market square.

23 *** “But it was too late,” Mother continued. “The Watcher was chasing, always chasing — always a “Of course, it was a distraction. And it worked! few steps behind.” Her mouth twisted in a cruel Mysterious lights, uncovered portents in ancient grin. “So while our heroes were looking for clues writings. Who would look elsewhere with a burn- where a book had been...” ing omen hanging in the sky?” Alaen’s mother laughed, and to her ears it was a strange, alien *** sound. Not the ringing peals she normally made, Fire swept through the city like a demonic hand but colder, harsher, more cutting. “And so ev- reaching up from the harbour towards the Tower eryone in the village looked up, when really they of the Stars upon the hill. should have been looking down...” A smile spread across her face. Alaen shuddered. “And I thought I’d be grateful to see it get dark again,” muttered Michael. *** “We need to go back down; the fire shouldn’t reach the deepest parts.” “And you’re one of the Watchers from the stories! The pair cowered in the vaults, the raging heat They sent you to guard the book!” from above penetrating even here, under the hill- side. The other guards had vanished to attempt Selene shook her head once, briskly. “Not me. a barricade, longer ago than Selene cared to con- I don’t even work for them — it’s just appar- sider. ently my Mistress does. And now it’s gone, which means it’s fulfilled its purpose, which means there “The books,” whispered Selene. is nothing we can do.” “Look at all the books.” “So why are we here?” asked Michael. *** “Do you mean why are we still alive, or why have the Astrologarchy finally admitted that “They were not burning, not quite; but the heat sometimes they could use the help of people with was curling their pages and warping their cov- swords and called in the guards, or why are we ers, ink weeping from the bindings, even as they on our way into the deepest vaults to stare at watched.” Mother’s speech had sped up, eager the empty shelf which used to contain our great- and light and vicious. “The ink ran slow lines est source of knowledge, recently stolen? For the down the shelves, pooling on the floor, reflecting first, not a clue. The others...” the lights above as a dark lake reflects the morning The party led by Selene followed the staircase stars.” to the vaults below the Tower of the Stars. As Alaen’s brother started crying. they walked she told them what the Mistress had “The black form shifted and changed, creating told her. Not that they would believe it, of course, symbols and patterns, words and phrases in a lan- but it would save time to tell them now and deal guage unspoken for nearly a millennium. Before with that later. the young Astrologarch’s eyes the writing shim- “Something has come from Below. While we mered and glowed, burning brighter than the fire were all looking at the sky, waiting for something engulfing the surrounding shelves.” to come down, something came up instead. The Alaen stopped, spent, panting and heaving. Be- Astrologarchy had a plan for this, but it was in hind her — she didn’t look, but she could feel it that book.” — the thing that had been her mother still came, They rounded a corner, and the light of their inexorable. The flames flickered behind her, illu- torches fell upon a hooded figure holding an an- minating the footsteps of the shell of her mother cient staff. as she paced towards them. Alaen didn’t have the “I’m not a Watcher. She’s the Watcher.” strength to run any more. “Of course, there were many weak, pathetic *** minds I could have taken over. Your mother just

24 happened to be the one who had two delicious Torquemada Way morsels right by her side” came the voice of her mother, though accompanied by a high pitched Greg Weir, Rory Hennell-James, Samuel echo now. The flames danced over the skin with- Cook, Ed Heaney, Nick Heitler, Olivia Morley, out leaving any trace, though Alaen could feel the Mark Johnson, Alastair Haig, Michael French, heat radiating off that terrible being. Surrounded Sparta, Curtis Reubens by a raging inferno and praying for some miracle, the heat finally took its toll and Content Warning: Alaen passed into darkness. Contains violence and gore. *** t felt like drowning in a lightless ocean, hunger- That evening ended as no other, with the sun set- I ing to rise up and break the surface. ting behind the ruins upon the hill as the people It felt like wandering a labyrinth, knowing where fled and left their boats and homes behind as they the exit is but not how to find it. burnt. It felt like being dead, and trying to be alive again — most likely because that’s exactly what it was. She opened her eyes and gasped in a deep breath. As if she’d inhaled them with the air, memories started coming back — the fear and the hope, the lies she’d told in search of truth, the chaos she’d spread so the people could be free to build a new order. The inquisitor. The trial. The judgement and the blade that delivered it. One hand went to her chest at that remembered pain. It found a wound; old, dry, gaping open, and unquestionably fatal. Panic shot through her. It felt wrong, though. Something was missing. Her heartbeat hadn’t sped up as the fear took hold of her. In fact, her heart wasn’t beating at all.

***

Piotr couldn’t sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, he remembered Lisabeta’s face as the door closed, The Tower of Stars — Extras shock and betrayal written in every feature. He’d had to leave her to them. There wasn’t time for both to get out before the templars broke Editor’s Notes: the door down, and they’d follow anyway. He tried to tell himself that, in the last moment, This was a ‘non-linear’ chain; each author was free he’d seen her acknowledge it was necessary. to insert sentences wherever they wanted, apart It didn’t work. For all his craft, the one person from before the beginning or after the end. he could never lie to was himself.

25 *** “Looks as if you’d better get running, whatever you are, or there are going to be a few people Lisabeta wandered through the dark, wet streets, who want to ask you some questions. If you could keeping to the alleyways that even criminals didn’t jump out the window, that would be very helpful.” dare use at this time of night. It had been three She smiled winningly. days since she’d... come back. Before she knew what she was doing, Lisa- She kept to side streets to hide both from peo- beta ran past her and jumped out the window. ple and cameras. Notionally, after her death Lilya just seemed to have such a commanding air. she would have been removed from the city’s She landed unhurt — she’d noticed that she also face tracking software, but she’d seen too many seemed to be far stronger and tougher than she friends who’d faked their deaths, certificates and had been before whatever it was had happened. all, only to be caught by the cameras. Even She started running — she did not want to en- though the Templars had executed her themselves counter the police. As she did so, she noticed she doubted she had been taken off the register. that some of her skin was hanging off. It looked Once again she found herself back outside the as if she caught her knee on some broken glass as block of flats where she and Piotr had once shared she jumped through the window. It didn’t hurt; their lives and their dreams. He wouldn’t be there, neither did it bleed. She pulled the scraps off and he’d be long gone by now, but she had come back carried on running. She also noticed a strange every night all the same. Once again the window thirst had come over her. She stopped running of their tiny bedsit was dark, but — and realised that she had subconsciously ended With her newly-sensitive hearing she could just up by the hospital. make out voices coming from the dark flat. Angry voices. She bounded up the stairs, leaping like *** some wild animal. Asha didn’t scream. She didn’t sob. Perhaps it *** was all too overwhelming to be able to find emo- tional release; perhaps it was just too important “I’m so sorry Devin, it has to be this way.” to allow emotional release. She didn’t even stand Lilya stood up, wiping the blade clean. She there in shock. There was nothing to do but get turned to the doorway to leave and saw something on with what had to be done. that had once been human. Something that had Devin had been closer to her than she’d ever once been dead too, judging by the wound in its cared to admit. The first victim’s name she could chest. It stood there, confused, watching Lilya as barely remember. Piotr had been her foe, stand- she watched it. ing against law and order, but for all of that... “Well, well, well. I think you could provide just she might even have called him friend. Not that the excuse I need.” she’d ever admit that. Devin, though... Devin was She pulled out a phone, keeping her eyes fixed irreplaceable. on Lisabeta. “Hello, police?” she quavered in Was it all about her? she suddenly, irrationally, an obviously fake show of emotion. “I heard thought. Was it getting closer and closer to her, some noise downstairs and my neighbour scream- homing in? Was she the final victim, or was she ing, then I saw this... this thing jump out of some sort of prize to be claimed, or an unknowing the window with bloody hands and run away. It linchpin in some overarching strategy? looked human, but had a big hole in its chest. My No; she couldn’t get carried away. She steeled neighbour’s not answering. I think he’s been mur- herself, took a deep breath and looked at his dered.” There was some unintelligible squawking body... no, looked at the body. Depersonalise from the other end of the phoneline. it, dehumanise it; that would make it better. The “The address? It’s Flat 6, 66 Torquemada Way. marks were frustratingly indistinct — really sharp You’ll be right over? Oh, thank you!” She hung claws? Or a really viciously-wielded knife? She up. Lisabeta still stood in the doorway, confused. couldn’t tell.

26 “What do you make of it?” Lilya’s voice was Blood calm. It was infuriatingly calm, though Asha was No no no no no No. That was not her thought. sure that only she could have known why it an- “I am still in control”, she said to herself, causing gered her so much. It tested her to her limits; she the hallway to now be filled with obsessive whis- was so very close to screaming into Lilya’s face to pers rather than groans. leave her alone with him for a little while longer. The knowledge of the weak and dying humans Instead, though, she kept her nerve, though she — prey — was tempting, but the thought spurred couldn’t immediately bring herself to answer Lilya her still human brain away from the hospital. directly. As flatly as she possibly could, she said, Devin was what mattered, not these — delicious “Let’s begin.” — strangers. This was an evil place, with the evil corridors. No time to stand around watching — *** eating — people. The door had snapped off like it were made of Lisabeta was still disoriented, getting dizzy, with paper, a tiny detail unworthy almost of the ef- no idea which direction she had come. Look- fort she had put in to breaking it. Lisabeta had ing down, reddish brown footprints formed a trail hardly given it a thought till she stopped to get along the formerly clean white floor. her bearings part of the way down one of the long, “Ahh”, she said, a sound which was too much evil smelling corridors. Something was disorient- like a groan, “That way”. Stumbling, following ing her, making her lose sight. her footprints backwards, ignoring the blood blood A few seconds ago she had been filled with righ- blood cacophony in her head. Suddenly no foot- teous, infallible purpose. Nothing else was right prints. A problem. But there ahead was a kicked- and nothing else mattered but the hideous, won- in door, a clue! And outside again. derful, golden screaming prize she was going to Away from the blood (blood blood) she could give herself in the hospital. Now memories had think once more. Yes, there was the way to forced their way in to her mind again, destroying Devin’s house. Lisabeta had known Devin well, her blissful thirst to tell her things she didn’t want friends and conspirators. She paused under the to hear. window she had jumped out of, and then turned She had been running. Devin was dead. A to the front of the house on Torquemada Way. No woman she didn’t know had called the police and need to be uncivilised re-entering the crime scene. told her to run and she had ran. Besides, the window was on the first floor and she didn’t feel like jumping. Devin was dead, after everything she’d worked for, Devin was dead. Crime scene meant police. And that meant speed was required. The door was probably Even he probably never realised the role he had locked, but Lisabeta had enough experience to to play, if he was dead then everything had failed. know how to deal with this problem. He would just be another ally of law and order slain and she would never be seen as anything but The door crumpled to a single kick. That was a monster. bad. No time to think about it. She charged down the hallway, crashed through the inner door, pulled She had to get back. She had to try to unravel up short at the sight that awaited her. And the this. She had to try and save everything she had stench. fought for. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. This The glorious, bloody thirst was creeping its way was where they were supposed to meet. back in to her mind. “I just hope”, she mut- tered, “I can hold myself together long enough” It had all been so much fun, spying on the en- — though she no longer seemed to recognise the emy. Getting close to Piotr’s mark without her sound of her own words suspecting a thing. But then she’d gone and made a connection. Couldn’t separate the real emotions Throughout the hospital, restrained and semi- from the fake. Couldn’t pull away when the Tem- conscious, the sick heard strange groaning howling plars tried to shut Piotr down. All for a P.I. All from the hallways.

27 for Asha. she has stopped And now she was crouched over Devin’s corpse. a warehouse It looked fresh. Warm and fresh. Lisabeta thought about what the Templar had She caught herself slipping. Tasted the blood done. To Piotr, to Devin, to herself. As emotion in the air, couldn’t bring herself to feel revulsion. took hold of Lisabeta she began to howl to the Blood sky, a rough guttural sound emanating from deep She fought against the rising urges. This wasn’t within her. her. This couldn’t be her. Eventually the creature that once was Lisabeta blood fell silent. Lisabeta pulled herself away from the body. She movement inside had to get to Asha. Had to warn her who she was TEMPLAR working with. What she was working with. She staggered towards the window. Lurched *** back as a monster rushed to greet her. The mon- ster lurched back too. No. With a crash, the door of the warehouse splintered yes inwards. For a brief moment, Lisabeta could still She stepped back towards the glass, watched be seen in the eyes of what stood in the ruined in horror as her reflection came to greet her. It entrance, but as they turned to land on Lilya, all wasn’t even human. signs of any soul were torn away with the beast’s violent screech. It had found its prey. She had to get away. Had to get to Asha. Lilya thrust the device in Asha’s hands and be- With newfound strength she threw herself gan speaking hurriedly, but calmly. “I’m going to through the glass. Broke free from the room and get behind you, and out of sight. It can’t chase the smell and the reflection of the thing which me if it can’t see me, and it won’t rush to attack wasn’t her. you. Don’t move.” Bootless feet hit the cobblestones below the What? You run off and I stay here? To tango window. with the mystery monster? Thanks a bunch, part- where is she ner. Thoughts clawed their way through what re- Lilya sprinted away, ducking behind some mained of Lisabeta’s mind. nearby crates. True to her prediction, the beast gone. but still near froze as if struck, and looked around confusedly. Lisabeta let her new instincts take over as she Finding only Asha, a low growl began in what was leapt and bounded through the city, chasing the left of its throat, and it began to advance. Slowly. heartbeat she had heard in that room. Very slowly. One hesitant foot in front of another. water The violence was gone from its , but there stone was still a desperate need contorting its face. For what? What drives you, monster? Fear? Re- smoke venge? rotting meat “It’s after me. I don’t know why. That’s why blood it was there when Piotr died.” Lilya’s voice came The city took new form to Lisabeta’s senses. from behind the crates, loud and assured, but the She was aware of so much more of the city than beast did not react. “See the tag on the side? she had ever known. But she did not take in this Don’t do it yet, but pulling that starts the trigger. new information. She was focused entirely on the You need to wait though — it has to be close. I’ll heartbeat of the Templar. Always the heartbeat. say when. Don’t move!” where is she Well, this is a bundle of fun. Why are you here, where is she beast? Why do you chase Lilya? Why did you kill Piotr? It wasn’t that she didn’t want him dead, he

28 was an enemy of order, but it was wrong that he revealing an eight pointed star. At each corner died as he did, without trial and judgement. And there was a switch, each one a different colour. there was so much information they needed from Asha smiled. She knew what she had to do now. him. Wait, why was the beast there in the first Red, purple, green, black, purple... place? Lilya didn’t arrive until just after Piotr was The beast roared, but it was beaten back by dead, she said so herself. She’s never mistaken, pulse after pulse from the device Asha held; she so either the beast isn’t chasing her, or she was flicked its switches in a rapid and ever-changing already there and lied. And she would have no sequence, its rhythmic clicking drowned out by reason to li- oh, no. the cacophony it produced. Her hands shook, but If Lilya was there, but lied, then who killed Pi- she didn’t falter, playing out the sequence she had otr? Piotr, who had held the key to unravelling been taught. The creature in front of her shook, the whole thing? Lilya, why? And am I now to be now, vibrating to the beat of Asha’s device before, next in the line of those dead for whatever unholy with one last howl, collapsed before her, still. cause you seek? Does this device even work, or is All of the fear and exhaustion that she had been this all a convoluted trap? fending off hit her, and Asha sank to her knees, The monster, the thing, heartless, humanity spent. In a flash Lilya was there, holding her as torn asunder, stalked towards them. It — for it she shook, forcing her to sip from a small canteen was an it now, all trace of the girl had been erased of water. — it had nails, long and curled, twisting talons to For a long time, they were still. rend the flesh. Skin hung in tatters from its bones, “We did it.” revealing muscles of an unnaturally greeny-brown tinge coiled beneath. But the most terrible part Asha laughed. “I really wasn’t sure that would by far was the gaping, empty maw in the centre work.” of its chest. “Oh ye of little faith.” Lilya stood. “Come on. Asha watched as it approached, trying not to It’s time we got back.” gag on the stench that saturated the room. She She offered a hand; Asha took it. As she pulled lifted the device, pointing it towards the beast. herself up, she stumbled — Lilya caught her, and Gods help me she thought. What am I even doing suddenly they were very close. Lilya could feel the here? other woman’s breath on her face, see the sorrow “Keep calm.” Lilya’s voice instructed. A very deep in her eyes, feel- calm, even voice, considering the monstrosity in Feel the cold metal of the knife suddenly pressed front of them. Calm enough to inspire irritation against her throat. in Asha. It’s alright for some, you are about five “Asha?” metres behind me, watching from behind some “I figured it out.” Her voice was choked as crates. If any one of us is going to be killed here the words poured out of her, like a dam inside of it will be me. her had suddenly burst. “It took me longer than “Relax,” the voice intoned again, “just let it get it should have, but I figured it out. And once I closer to you. You won’t even need to aim.” did, everything fell into place.” Lilya could feel “Great,” Asha snarled back. “I really want to be the knife digging into her skin. “All the time we in arms reach of it before I do anything to protect spent trying to connect the dots, and you had the myself. What even is this thing?” picture the whole time, because it was you, Lilya. Silence. Seconds only, but to Asha it felt like All the murders, you. Devin, cold and alone...” hours as the beast crept ever closer. “Asha, I’m sorry, I-” Closer and closer, it moved noiselessly towards With a splash of red it was over, and Asha them. walked away, alone. “Now!” called Lilya. With a silent prayer, Asha pulled at the tag on the side, and the top of the device sprang open,

29 Torquemada Way — Extras Alternative title suggestions:

“And then Lisabeta was a zombie” Editor’s Notes: “You have placed a chill hole in my heart”

This was the Meet-in-the-Middle chain. Instead “Hunter” of beginning at the beginning and ending at the end, this chain began at the beginning and the “Why Philip IV was wrong” end, and ended in the middle. The first and eleventh sections were written first, “Animals” without knowledge of one another. Then the second and tenth sections were written, now “It’s complicated” with knowledge of sections one and eleven. This continued until the middle, section six, which “Posthumous” was written with full knowledge of sections one “Keep your Zombies close, but your Frenemies to five and seven to eleven. closer”

Comments: “Running and Blood”

“I think the meet-in-the-middle structure really “BLOOD” helped with the consistency — once we’d lucked into the beginning and ending both being stories of murder and intrigue, the writers in between could work back from there, fill in the founda- tions and build up to the climax, rather than having to work out the climax from everything else. A successful experiment!”

— Greg

“I was pleasantly surprised this worked out quite so coherently. Early on, it did seem as if there were rather a yawning gap in the middle of the story (pun and reference fully intended).”

— Samuel

“I was wondering what would happen with the rest of this chain. It feels like this is a spin-off from another story, which hasn’t been written yet (and should be written). Good to see a Maguf- fin Gun show up at the end there though.”

— Alastair

“Well that was interesting. It came together really surprisingly well, considering the meet-in-the- middlishness.”

— Curtis

30 Do Corn Gods Dream of Alternate Then it too stepped aside and the three joined Meats? hands, speaking in eerie unison. As they spoke, an object materialised above them. ‘We have spoken. The child, whose name shall Samuel Cook, Matthias Wong, Brandon Wes- be Sceaf, must now go out into the realms and ley, Anonymous, Anonymous, Ed Heaney, learn of them. When they are ready, they will find Grace Fremont, Danielle Saunders, Bryn Re- this golden horn and summon us once more. Only instadler then will they return to you. Only then will they be ready to save the realms from the Devouring he baby took its first wailing breath. The Fire. We have spoken.’ T birth was auspicious. News ran through the Then, with a blinding flash, the three, the baby realms faster than thought. The birds cried it and the horn disappeared. throughout the skies. The fish boomed it through- The sun finally set behind the mountain range out the deeps. Astromancers read it in the starry in the distance. Scaef wiped his brow as he pushed vault of the heavens from their tall towers. Me- the ageing machine into the shed. It had been a teoromancers heard it whispered on the breeze in long day out in the field, and he was looking for- their airy laboratories. From the First Shore unto ward to the rest that night offered. He had always the Last, where the waves fall in serried ranks preferred the dark velvety night. The calmness for ever in their eternal battle with the unyield- and the quietness gave him a chance to think. ing land, all heard the news. An heir had been born to the Imperial Throne, the first in millen- Scaef thought mostly about his dreams. About nia. A was dawning. The Empire would the weird and fascinating characters and land- endure. scapes he had seen. An exhilarating chase through a purple mushroom forest, the hive of humanoid As the baby drew breath for a second time, a insects that invited him to break bread, and the figure robed in white appeared with a tinkle of slender crystalline figures that beckoned him to- chimes and approached the child. It seemed cu- wards a waterfall of diamonds. In his dreams he riously translucent and insubstantial. The guards lived multiples lives, and peeked into the count- barred its way, but, with a motion they were thrust less . Every one of them felt so familiar, asunder. The figure approached the child and it was almost like he had been transported right spoke with a voice that recalled all the winds of out from his bed. the world. Of course that was impossible. ‘I am the Elder of the Air. I give the child the technology and know-how had long been lost, gift of foresight. They will see further than any along with all the dazzling machines and science and their justice will be the wisest of the world.’ that exists only in story. More specifically, the The figure stepped aside, and with a music of stories of Old Granny down in the market town. conchs, another figure appeared, clothed in shim- For a few pennies or a meal, Old Granny would mering garments of blue and green. It too ap- regale her audience with a tale of long ago, of a proached the child and spoke in a voice like unto glorious Empire whose reach spanned several star- the boundless watery deeps. systems, of faster-than-light travel, emotion dust ‘I am the Elder of the Sea. I give the child the and morphing chameleon clothing. The young gift of strength. They will overcome all their foes ones listened in silence, their mouths gaping as and their might shall be uncontested.’ Old Granny narrated a thrilling chase This figure too stepped aside to join the first. through asteroid fields. The adults usually just With the song of birds appeared another, resplen- scoffed. ‘An old lady with a vivid imagination’, dent in green, brown and russet. It too came to- they would say. It was almost a sign of adulthood wards the child and spoke in the voice of trees. to be increasingly dismissive of Old Granny’s sto- ‘I am the Elder of the Earth. I give the child ries. the gift of bounty. They shall never want for food Although Scaef was on the cusp of adulthood, or drink and their realm shall be fruitful for ever.’ he was still a true believer. Him, and Keyn. To-

31 gether the boys pieced together an imaginary his- harvest before the ground freezes,” Scaef replied tory of the Empire, from its mythical foundation wryly. They both knew he didn’t mind the extra in the seven hills of the planet Novell to the glo- work. Distractions from reality were as welcome rious interstellar expeditions. No one understood as extra food or coin. Sometimes even more. Scaef’s passion as much as Keyn did. They had Scaef had another dream, however, unlike the been friends longer than either of them could re- others, this one had not depicted fantastic land- member. It was thus unsurprising when they de- scapes nor diverse races. Rather, a council of 5 clared their intention to bind on their twentieth individuals, for he could not tell their gender due discovery-day. Scaef smiled as he recalled the day. to their encompassing robes, sat at a crescent ta- The townspeople threw a massive feast, and the ble with him at the epicentre. Hoods drawn over mayor brought out their best alcohol. their eyes, they all cast shadows toward Scaef from ‘Are you ready for dinner?’, rang a voice from an light source that seemed to come from all di- across the yard. ‘Just packing up!’, Scaef replied. rections. Their robes were each a different colour; He was glad that Keyn had taken over cooking yellow, red, green, blue, and black. duties. Keyn was a more imaginative cook, he “You seek answers,” The black-robed individual could turn the farm’s produce into proper delica- spoke. It was not a question. cies. Apart from the stories and the occasional It felt so real. Scaef looked down as his hands, trip into town, it was a happy, if quiet, life with and again back up at the robed figures. Why Keyn. didn’t he simply wake up? But tonight would be different. Despite Scaef “You were meant to be more than some small- and Keyn’s years of pleading, Old Granny had al- town’s farmer,” the green robe spoke, head tilted ways refused to talk about how the Empire met farther down and shoulders slumped. Was that a its end. They would not have known that their hint of sadness? fates were intertwined with the Empire’s, and that “Who are you?” Very original, Scaef. Well there were powers just beyond the horizon, about done. It was honestly the best he could do, con- to descend into their lives. sidering he wasn’t sure if he was simply speak to Scaef sighed in satisfaction as he leaned back his own dream-addled brain. in his favourite wooden chair. The remnants of The two companions, as close as family due to venison stew and wild greens coated the plates on their binding brotherhood, more sensed than heard bowls on the well-worn table in his small home one another awaken in the early hours of the morn- with Keyn. The hearth glowed warmly, casting ing. long shadows on the small room, making it even more cosy and inviting. The sun had long since But then the mattress sagged, and Ptermites set below the horizon, and the hearth fire yielded and Parsnips and Pintail-ducks burst forth in a the last bit of evening light. Of course, only the deepening crescendo. The Ptermites began to rich could afford candles, which were an absolute swellvitate, forming impactochimescent orbs. The rarity in a small town such as Kraton. The nearest Parsnips sprouted wings and began to skirl with large town was two day’s-ride from Kraton, if it tiny bagpipes of fennel, or just possibly they had could even be called a town. Scaef preferred to live tubular beards. The Pintails formed into a pro- away from such congregations of people, they just cession, the foremost waddgimentling backwards tended to invite crime and disease. Apparently the all-a-swishing a baton in Her Beak. The next three once majestic human race had not lived in squalor, held flutes aloft, the three after that downturned with the rich sequestering themselves behind the clarinets. More kept on marching out of the mat- remnants of once-mighty walls, during the time of tress. Violins. Trumpets and horns, with a second the Empire. Stories, Scaef told himself. Pintail propping up the flared end as the first in- flated their cheeks to comic proportion. The trom- “The days are getting shorter. And colder,” bones were held by teams of three. The cellos Keyn spoke gently as he closed the shutters to were on wheels. The Parsnips femtofennellifan- the kitchen, bringing Scaef out of his reverie. fared as fifty Pintails dignifiedly propelled a harp “Our work will have to increase to bring in the

32 while three others plucked at it delicately with he began to so hope this would include the Se- their wingtips. And so it went on. Scaef lost count cret of Cheese. But Keyn only thought of doing of how many Pintails came out of the mattress. more with what he already knew. He thought of The procession ended with alpenhorns, grand pi- waterspouts and lances of fire, of cliffs collaps- anos and a gigantic pipe-organ in the shape of ing into the waves. Keyn paid no heed to the an Angora Cat’s face, both pushed and pulled by fifth figure, Xe of the flowing flavescent fallow great phalanxes of pintails. Its whiskereeds arpeg- robes, all entwined in strings of amber binding So gipurritoned with the greatest of dignities, while Many Aurulent Triangles . On the other hand, as its diastolic furflues exultedly trillullotremewlated the final ‘Alsaticorns’ Triumph’ movement began in a myriad of subtle timbres. in earnest, Scaef became fixated, first with this As the first ‘Angoraorgan’ movement of the wedg`eddecor, and then in the curious opalescent Pintail-Parsnip-Ptermite Symphony ended, Scaef pockmarks thereupon. knew he hadn’t woken up yet. And might not “Child of Five...” wake up for quite a few more bubbles in the dream- One of these openings began to widen. world. “Cheesebringer...” The pintail next to Scaef sneazbilled gently, and Until it was larger than the wedge it was on. dropped her horn. He picked up the instrument “But Be Warned...” out of kindness, for it was twice the size of the Pintail. But she shook her bill and would not take The hole now occupied the entirety of his field it back. The Pintail-Conductor-General then gave of vision. a curt nod, and the violins and chimed opened “Celve not Too Ceeply in the Creamworld...” once again, now gently and in the minor key. It enveloped him. And now the Council of Five floated high above “For else...” in the air, in a rotating handheld circle of pen- And then he passed through. And in so passing, tachromatic robes. something cawned within Scaef. “You thought we could not be fantastic, and yet the kindness of your heart is true” they chided *** gently in unison, all the while shedding tears. “Air.” There were words in the air as he passed through. “Sea.” Confusing words, some promising, some strange, “Earth.” some... troubling. “He has the ability.” *** “He lacks the focus, though.” “I’m more concerned with his picture of the “Fire.” Fifth.” “Cheese.” “You can see it it his essence — he will search Each intoned in turn in clear, otherworldly and for the Secret.” distinct genderfluid voices. “He might search for the wrong Secret, though, And so Scaef came to Know the true name of or at least he might search for it down the wrong ‘Quintessense’ at the start of the second ‘Elder- path. We have to face the possibility that Cheese pentet Choral’ movement. Yet yearn as Scaef is so incomprehensible to him that’s he’s chan- would, he had no inkling what ‘Cheese’ was. A nelling it through some other pathway entirely. I kind of spiritual bond between all living beings? wonder what he hears when we hear Cheese?” The texture of the bubblefilms between dream- Scaef did not understand. As he had made the worlds as Granny had told them one evening when transition, the meaning — and the warning — she had become particularly incoherent? As it be- had been so clear. And had they not just said it came clear from the second movement, they were so clearly? Cheese? offering to show him of the Way of Things. And But what if it wasn’t?

33 Celve not too ceeply... Above all else, he was angry at himself. What had Cheese? C... what if he actually were on the possessed him to leave his home, to leave Keyn, to wrong track? His mind cast about. pursue some poorly defined quest that was appar- Air, Sea, Earth, Fire... Coconut? No, that ently “incomprehensible” because of some innate sounded ridiculous. failing of his? Air, Sea, Earth, Fire... Chameleon? That He should have known better. He should have one had potential. Adaptability. Changeability. known he wasn’t good enough. He shouldn’t have Changeability. Ah! ever made that promise, shouldn’t have ever tried. Air, Sea, Earth, Fire... Heart? Well, that was But when he said goodbye to Keyn, promising complete rubbish. to return soon, it had seemed so clear. It felt like... it had felt like this was something he had always No, try as he might, he knew what they really been intended to do. Like he had been born with had said. a purpose. Cheese. Born with illusions of grandeur, more like. But It had to be right. — no. He couldn’t give up this easily. Not with For if it wasn’t right, how else would he ever Keyn counting on him. Not, if he was being hon- return to- est, with his own nature screaming at him to keep Keyn! going. All he had to do was comprehend Cheese? The thought of the one he knew better than Piece of cake. anyone eclipsed his musings on a concept out of But first he had to escape these bonds and those his reach, and with dizzying speed Scaef’s mind emotionless eyes. Even as he watched, though, tore out of the vision and back into reality. Tearing the eyes faded from his vision, as if no entity had through the bonds that held his limbs proved more ever been present alongside him. difficult. “I don’t understand why he’s taking so long.” His eyes, the one thing he could move without The figure in yellow watched from some space that restraint, darted frantically between the three fig- was coincident with Scaef’s. They sighed in uni- ures in front of him. Their dull robes — were they son with the others as Scaef tore himself free of brown, or gray, or some sort of pale sickly green? the bonds, stumbled around the emptiness, clearly — seemed to mock at the afterimage of the bril- trying to find a way out. Honestly, what was liant Council of Five that had infused his dreams the point in trying to keep someone still for some with light and his mind with longing. Their eyes proper contemplation time if they were just going were emotionless as they regarded him, no pity or to wrench themselves back out into the world of fear evoked by his attempts to break his bonds. sensory distractions? “He’s broken out too soon. How can we expect “We give him the perfect life. The pleasant him to understand Cheese when he lacks even the childhood, the domestic idyll with the handsome simple patience of Earth?” lover. We give him stories of past worlds, lost “But look how despairs at chains. Surely that technologies, mysterious universes. We point out is a mark of Air upon him.” to him how cheesy the whole thing is, and he still “And he showed great promise of Sea when he doesn’t get it!” left his home, and Earth in his desire to return to The russet robe made a gesture probably meant it.” to indicate agreement. Their eyes pierced him as they spoke in turn, “He’ll never break through to the mother uni- yet they spoke to each other and not to him, as if verse and reunite the Empire across he were a thoughtless creature trapped under the and times if he can’t organically come to the re- gaze of the microscope. alisation of how fake his whole life has been, and The idea infuriated him. But as he wore out the why!” first burst of anger in straining to break the ties “Well, uh.” The green robe gave a respectful on his arms, a deeper bitterness began to fill him. cough. “Not that I want to question your meth-

34 ods, but maybe you shouldn’t have prompted him shared with Keyn appeared. The corn was in the with an anachronism?” cupboard; the cheese, in the cellar. He had shared “Anachronism?” a kitchen with Keyn many times, and though he “Cheese. Cheesey. You’re using the slang of rarely cooked by himself, he found the echoes of two dimensions and about a century back.” the motions familiar, as though the loving touch of Keyn’s hands had transferred their memories of “...Damn.” how to prepare the food. Grind the corn and grate “Right continent, though.” the cheese, grind the corn and grate the cheese... “Damn. Damn it! We can’t break through to the monotony of preparation combined with the him again, can we? We were only given the one crescendo of excitement and rising electricity in shot — he has to come to the weird post-sci-fi the air made Scaef’s hands shake. He was mak- fantasy-utopia equals fake conclusion on his own ing cheesy cornbread. It would doubtless elucidate after one or two obscure prompts, he’ll crack oth- everything. erwise and then where will the Empire be?” Finally, the time had come to put the cornbread The figure beneath the deep blue robe moved, on the fire. He poured the batter into a large, and the moving of the robe sounded like the break- shallow tray and placed it on top of a wire grid ing of waves on a stormy beach. “I can think of atop the fire. The cornbread batter began to bub- one last thing we can do.” ble and form words. Scaef could not read, but CRASH he watched with interest. Then the first bubble BANG popped. BOOM Your Two figures in light yellow robes descended in He shook his head. That couldn’t have hap- a pillar of light. Scaef, struck by the brilliance of pened. The second bubble: the light, fell to the ground, covering his face with life one hand. The figure on the left (Cheese, echoed Oh. Oh dear. pop some back part of Scaef’s brain) raised one hand. is “Behold.” pop And Scaef beheld: it was Corn. With a self- a-long-time-ago-in-a-galaxy-far-far-away... and satisfied sniff, both of the figures began to ascend on it went. The fourth bubble seemed to have a lot back to the heavens. to say. About halfway through the fourth movie CRASH (and a couple of interspersed readings from the BANG Cambridge English Dictionary), Scaef understood. BOOM A horn had appeared on the table next to the chair “For our own sakes, do I have to do everything Scaef was sitting on to tend the fire. He reached myself?” over to it and knew what he had to do. It was time to choose between going back to Keyn or CRASH leaving Keyn forever to save the galaxy. BANG The choice was obvious. BOOM Corn and cheese, what could it mean? Scaef sat for half an eternity, tossing the words around his minds until the hard edges of the consonants turned smooth like the edges of a water-worn rock. A sudden thought intruded: What would Keyn do? But of course. Keyn would make dinner. Scaef set to work with a ferocity. Out of the airy nothingness, a kitchen not unlike the one he

35 Do Corn Gods Dream of Alternate The Philharmonecological System of the Meats? — Extras Creamworld

he Acceleraptors started to grindibulate Comments: T macroserratomaxillarodontomasticallilily as a long column of Parmesants marched into “I’m pleased someone picked up on Sceaf being an their viscerivituperiviborine corrugacantanke- Anglo-Saxon corn god myth towards the end. rocrennelations, each oblivious to the fate of Shame he didn’t end up in a boat at any point, the previous. And then the Thermite Crab though!” — Samuel Phoenices began to efferupt and smoultonate in contratempo, causing the Fundamental Fondue to start to flowpagate. Quintessence. Alternative Title Suggestions: As legend faded into myth, still remembered in some parts as ’Queso’. The essence of “Cheese Dreams” Dreams (and Creams), as in Pesadilla versus Quesadilla... “To Brie or not to Brie” This p-q mirror symmetry breaking etymolvolution “The Corny and the Cheesy, When they Co-exist, is also clear in *Pintails* being the Guardians of Uh Oh...” *Quintessence*. These farm Swelvitating Pter- mites: the musicophagous larvae that meta- Art: mourphose into Thermite Crab Phoenices, un- less they are fed enough femtofennelifanfares by their Sentient Parsnip symphonobiotes, in which case they paramourphose into Parme- sants...

Maturing Angoraorgans, on the other hand, orthodonto-archosauro-organo-phose into Ac- celeraptors, their purritone reeds chomocalcid- inating into tetrahaedroteratoothery. (Indeed, the *living* ivory in their tecladination was cru- cial in deducing this Commentary’s ecolyrical pathway.)

Such is the fantasiamelodic faunfabulation sur- rounding the Delicious Celestial Mimolespheres (in F-Flat Field Marshall, by the Pintail Army Philharmonic).

The pintail Conductor General Brings in the An- In a nutshell, it is Parmesants that originally goraorgan affix the Substance by quesosynthesis. This is shrated by Acceleraptors and then cream- meltised by Thermite Crab Phoenices, resulting in the rich and highly homogenised Primordial Fondue.

36 The Resident Oocephalic Sage has the fol- beak. lowing compilation of words meaning pre- cisely what His Eggship-Atop-A-Wall says Her (capitalised): Dominant Female pronoun. they mean... Alsaticorn: cross between a German Shepherd and an Alicorn, usually requiring in vitro fertilisa- Grindibulate: to crush between one’s mighty tion. mandibles. Purritone: deep-pitched end of an Angoraorgan’s Efferupt: part effervesce and part erupt. melodic range.

Smoultonate: part smoulder, and part detonate. Trillullotremewlated: the high-timbre notes of an Flowpagate: to propagate fluidly. Angoraorgan.

Etymolvolution: the development over time of un- Diastolic furflues: The smaller reeds of an Ango- usual words. raorgan, which are matted in a fine fur.

Swelvitate: to balloon, i.e. to swell full of hot air and thereby buoy off upwards into the strato- sphere.

Angoraorgan: larval stage of the acceleraptor, which is part Feline Entity and part Church- Organ.

Ptermite: chiming airborne larvae of the Thermite Crab Phoenix, which is a crucial player in the formation of the Cosmic Fondue.

Femtofennelifanfares: sounds played by Sentient Parsnip musicians on their miniature bagpipes.

Ecolyrical: adjective corresponding to musically- influenced ecology.

Cheese: mythical substance behind the legends of Quintessence. Produced exclusively by Parme- sants as farmed by the Orchestral Pintail army.

Creammeltised: phase transition from liquid to solid cheese.

Shrated: part shredded and part grated.

Quesosynthesis: carbon-and-calcium fixing pro- cess, in Nature encountered solely in the cara- pace cells of Parmesants.

Waddgimentling: the marching gait common to Waterfowl Armies.

Sneazbilled: Waterfowl noise in clearing one’s

37 Goodnight walked it along his knuckles absently, not notic- ing how my eyes followed the square’s every move. Isobel Sands, Sarah Binney, Matthew Chad- “But hell if I know what to do with it. The stips wick, Francesca Alabaster, Andrew Conway, wouldn’t take them. Use ’em for d´ecor, maybe.” Curtis Reubens, Samuel Cook I grunted in sympathy; stips wouldn’t take a diamond ring if it punched one in the face — they he bartender and I shared another sympa- were good for a quick buck, sometimes, but only T thetic glance as the lecture began to reach if you were desperate. If my guess was right, that a crescendo. The lecturer had been here when I caver had passed the point of selling everything arrived. Long before I arrived, apparently. She she could get hard credits for long ago. made sweeping gestures with both hands, slur- “Hey, you want me to take a look at it?” I tried ring her way through a grand speech on the evils to make it sound like the idea had just popped of complacency and the dangers of taking things into my head. “I’m going up the Edge tomorrow, I for granted. Sometimes it was aimed at the bar- could check it out at a cyclopaedia or something.” tender, who made vague, agreeable noises until it The square’s wandering paused. “Hm, I guess moved on. Sometimes it was aimed at me, for you could. I just took a shining to ’em, is all, I having the bad judgement to sit nearby. don’t want rid of ’em or anything.” Often she seemed to be haranguing someone “I could just take the one. I’ll return it straight visible only to the unpleasantly featureless steel off when I get back next week.” sphere in her left eye socket. She had a military- The bartender mulled it over. I held my breath. looking buzzcut, and clearly didn’t care about I knew if I’d offered him cash for it he’d want showing her eye, the three deep scars surround- to know how much it was worth, and why. But ing it, or the silver streaking her dark hair. maybe... “Forward planning, ’s it! Forrard bloody plan- He tossed it across the bar and I caught it in nin’...” she veered back to me briefly, and drained midair. “Take it. Let me know what you find her glass, “’s the ticket to a borin’ bloody life!” out.” She stood up dramatically, and fell down im- I grinned. “Sure will.” mediately. Someone at the back of the room of- fered sarcastic applause. As a waiter hauled her Later that evening I sat by the light of a gutter- up and helped her stagger towards the stairs, the ing candle gently stroked the mottled surface of bartender shook his head at me. the square, worn smooth by centuries of weath- ering. How long had it dwelt deep in its under- “Sorry about that. ’S been a week now. Never ground cave, lost to the surface dwellers above? I gets violent, so we leave her to it.” had been fairly sure of its nature back in the bar “Caver?” but now that I’d had the time to study it I was “Uh-huh. Weird one, too. Never seen anyone certain. who actually found something come back so an- What I had in my possession was a Djinn coin gry.” with which I could summon my very own Qarin12 “She found something?” to command. That was, at least, the principle, “Oh yeah. Been paying me these,” he flipped a but I was hesitant. The legends spoke of great small, greenish-grey square over the bar, “dunno beasts of fire and darkness bound to the wills of if they’re worth anything though.” mortal men. Beasts that could turn armies to I rubbed a finger over symbols that I was fairly ash and tear heavens asunder at the mere click sure neither the bartender nor the caver could of their masters’ fingers. Legends, however, are read. almost always somewhat embellished. How could 13 “Yeah,” I tried to sound casual, handing it back, I know that the summoning would work , would “they might be.” 12Look it up! “See, I figured, if it was genuine, it must, 13It had, after all, been a long time since anyone had y’know, be worth a bit?” said the bartender. He attempted such a thing.

38 the creature truly be bound to me, or would I just Delicate fingers came to rest lightly on the bare have freed a terrible monster to wreak havoc in skin of my arm. I felt warm breath by my ear. an already crippled land? Something was behind me, close to me, press- I was at least confident that neither the bar- ing its body against mine, yet I knew that if I tender nor the coins’ discoverer had any idea of spun around to see it, it would vanish. Then, the the true nature of the objects in their possession. smooth, seductive voice of a woman broke the si- Although by now the caver was clearly feeling the lence. crushing despair that came from having so many “Come now, you can give me a better name chaos-orientated objects in one place, which would than that.” explain her desire to be rid of them all. Names have power. Of course you need the true Where the ownership of many brought only pain name of any creature to bind a spell to it, but there to the bearer, a single coin would bring such power is more to it than that. A name works its own as to raise the bearer to the position of a God. To magic on the bearer. If you call your puppy Wolf, hell with it, I will hesitate no more, I will summon it will grow up to growl and howl and crave the the Qarin and bind it to my every whim! taste of flesh. If you call it Fifi, it will do nothing Takshif nafsak li, I whispered, and immediately but yap and whine and piss on the carpet. To wondered whether I had made the right decision. name a Qarin was to shape its power, to constrain I felt my stomach drop, the air grew cold, and its growth like an octopus in a jam jar. I needed a the coin began to glow in my hand. Its warmth name that was magical but safe, powerful but not beckoned to me. I stared into the growing light, overpowering, feminine but sexless. unable to turn away, sensing that if I just looked a You may wonder about the last one. Trust me, little harder, a little longer, something great would dalliance with a djinn is not something to be en- reveal itself to me. A secret as old as mankind. tered into lightly. I had no wish to be forever A world beyond my wildest imaginings. Then, the spoiled for the touch of mortal men and women coin went cold. The light of the candle could not because I had tasted perfection. Our mortal joys compare to what I had just seen; it was as though may be imperfect, but they are what make us hu- I had been plunged into darkness. man. Finally, my eyes adjusted. I looked around the I thought back to the ancient tales of magic, small room, then turned the coin over in my fin- trying to find what I wanted. I felt something gers, looking for some sign of a Qarin. Had I said suspiciously like a tongue probing at my ear. In a the words wrong? I desperately tried to remem- moment it would be too late. Then I had it, just ber the legends I had read, but nothing new came in time. “I name you Tinkerbell,” I said. to mind. I took a deep breath and tried to calm “Oh drat!” said the voice, already sounding less down. It was only once my heartbeat had returned seductive. “You really should clean the wax out of to a somewhat normal pace that I felt the hairs your ears more often. Are you sure you wouldn’t rising on the back of my neck. I spun around, prefer Belladonna or Jezebel? I think I’d make a bracing for whatever I might see. Nothing. good Jezebel.” “Who’s there?” I asked of the empty room. “I’m sure you would, but nevertheless, I name After waiting for a reply that never came, I you...” The Qarin moved both hands swiftly; one turned towards the door, ready to leave the tiny jabbed into my back and a hot pain swelled be- room and get some air. Instead, I froze. With neath my ribs; the other did something that I’m the candle now behind me, I could see it: I had not going to repeat here. Overwhelmed by sensa- two shadows. One stretched out before me as it tion, I swore: “Oh, Shehesibar.” should, while the other fell behind me at an angle, A cackle came from behind me, deep and rich so I could just barely see it out of the corner of and dark, and then everything went black. my eye when I looked down at my feet. “Qarin? Is that you?” I asked in a trembling *** voice. I awoke, some time later. My head throbbed, my

39 eyes burnt, and I generally felt like I’d been sat fully) and die messily. That didn’t seem a terribly on by a red-hot hellbeast. I tried to sit up; a good option. Neither personally nor for the rest coalition of most of my body parts disagreed, and of the world, who’d be up the crocodile-infested I remained lying down. creek without a paddle, a canoe or any kind of ba- Rolling onto my side, I tried to remember what sic flotation or offensive device. Zero out of ten; had happened. The Qarin had attacked me. That would not do again. didn’t seem like it should have been possible, given Just as I was really beginning to panic, I had it was bound to my will, unless... a new idea. What would happen if I activated Unless it had hurt me while I sought to reaf- all the other coins? Could I summon and have firm its name, causing me to curse with the name and control multiple Qarins? Could I use them to of a creature from legend, a nigh-unstoppable un- defeat the monster I’d unwittingly wrought? Or shackled beast that had laid waste to nations. would a new one replace the old one? Maybe...? Oh. As far as I knew no one had ever been desperate or insane enough to find out the answer to any of Oh, fuck. these questions. Or, at least, no one had survived I pulled myself to my feet; everything hurt still, to write anything about whether they worked. It my head spun and my feet cursed at me with every might work...? It was marginally less doomed step I took, but I had to remain upright. I had to failure than Plans A through D...? When unleashed something terrible on the world. And, God gives you apocalyptic lemons, you ask for despite not feeling like I could stop a leaf on the more, slightly smaller and slightly less-apocalyptic wind at the present moment, I should probably try lemons...? to stop it. At this point, I reached the bar. The bar. It knew where dozens of its cousins (Un)Fortunately, it appeared I was just in were, that would surely be its first stop. time. The Qarin, a deep shadow, was next to I staggered back towards the bar. As I did so, the bar and a large pile of coins, the number of I mulled over my options. I couldn’t directly fight which I didn’t want to think too hard about. The the Qarin; certainly not in my present state. Espe- bartender, the caver and the rest of the clientele cially not now that I’d given it that name, which seemed to have found new occupations as the also meant it wasn’t subservient to my will any wallpaper. The rather red wallpaper. The large, more. Could I destroy the coin? What would dripping mace the Qarin was idly toying with may that even do? The legends were a bit sketchy on have had something to do with this. It looked, the subject, but the general opinion was that the however, as if the coins hadn’t yet been activated. coins were nothing more than a gateway that al- This was my chance. This was either the best lowed djinn into the world. Once in the world, or worst idea of my life. Either way, I probably destroying the gateway was a bit useless. The wouldn’t have to live with the consequences for same principle as shutting the stable door after very long, given I needed to be touching the coins the horse has bolted, except the stable door is the to activate them. fabric of our and the horse is a malev- I summoned my remaining strength, ran into olent, omnipotent demon. Fine. Well done me. the bar, dived for the pile of coins and shouted the Ten out of ten for metaphor; minus several million summoning phrase as the Qarin turned towards me for bringing about the end of the world. to see what had entered its abattoir. Could I capture it somehow? Again, that would At this point, several things happened very be tricky with one this powerful and would require quickly. My flying leap landed me right on top of a fair bit of preparation, time, and some the pile of coins. The coins froze into a solid mass fairly specialised bits of kit. None of which I had of ice, which then promptly exploded, sending ice right now. shards flying in all directions as the summoning So, I couldn’t kill it. I couldn’t banish it. I spell took effect. I suddenly gained a lot of shad- couldn’t capture it. I couldn’t will it to be harm- ows and a lot of hands on my arm (and a lot of less. I could stride (stumble) in heroically (piti- tongues in my ear, which I’m sure you wanted to

40 know). And I had to come up with an awful lot Goodnight — Extras of names really quickly. What do you do if you need to name a lot of potentially-malign spirits really quickly in a way Comments: that will allow them to defeat your enemy, but not grow so powerful that you end up with a bigger “We’ve all had that day where an improbable problem than you started with? You start listing sequence of events, most of which were your weaponry really quickly. Weaponry is perfect — a own fault, leads to you accidentally becoming a tool can’t get ideas above its station or have free Dark Lord. It’s so annoying when that happens. will. And is generally pretty good at killing things. Again.” — Samuel Sure, you lose out on magical potency, but that wasn’t my chief concern right now. So I started: Alternative Title Suggestions: “Sword, axe, dagger, gun, bow, spear, mace, flail, howitzer, lance, halberd, pike, sling, club, cannon, arrow, falchion, rapier, spatha, shuriken, “Storytime” grenade, bayonet...” “Are You Sitting Comfortably?” And continued, ignoring all the jabs, pleas, and various attempts at distraction that the “The Shadow of the Valley of Near Death” spirits threw at me. I’d been got round that way once; it wasn’t going to happen again. Sheer ter- “Name That Demon!” ror gave me the mental equivalent of tunnel vision — there was light at the end of the tunnel, but “The (Far) Lesser of Two Evils” the only way I’d get there was by carrying on list- ing names until the whispering stopped. It was “What Faustus Did Next” either that or fall into the darkness that loomed all around me and a most unpleasant death for both me and the rest of the world. So I kept going, achieving something no one had yet man- aged — binding tens of Qarin to my will at the same time. I surprise myself sometimes. Towards the end, I started throwing in some bits of ar- mour too, just so I’d have something to protect me when The Qarin inevitably got a bit angry. It had been a bit distracted by the flying ice shards, but it was recovering now and was looking so far beyond murderous that it couldn’t have touched murderous with any kind of pole. I pointed at it and said “Attack”. After the dust settled, I was left with a faint sense of surprise at still being alive, an army of lethal spirits at my command and a still gratuitously-large number of shadows. And that, my child, is how I became the Shadow Lord of the World. Now go to bed, or Daddy will be cross. Goodnight.

41 Unravelling the Plot the other. “Lead on, old friend.” Greg Weir, Curtis Reubens, Nathan Smith, *** Grace Fremont, Adam Jermyn, Bryn Rein- stadler, Nick Heitler, Olivia Morley The demon swilled its beer and grinned impishly at the pair across from it. he storm roiled across the sea. “You say my stories are fanciful, and yet you T First, waves — a little larger than usual, then keep listening.” It gestured to its mug. “Kept me much larger. Wind and spray danced together, watered, even.” courtiers heralding the howling aristocracy of the “I bought you that before you began spouting gale. Clouds bulged, dense and black, lashing the your drivel.” The woman fluttered her wings, irri- water with rain and bright bolts of lightning. tated. “If I could ask for a refund I would.” A lone figure stood on the clifftop, arms raised The demon’s face split with a shark’s grin, and to welcome the storm like a long-lost friend. it tilted back its head. Ale fountained from its She shifted to and fro in the wind, pushed mouth; most of it made it back into the tankard. here and there but never quite losing her footing. Closing its mouth, it leant forward, pushing the Her hair was plastered to her head, her clothes regurgitated drink across the table. “All yours.” drenched. The charms around her wrists and neck The third figure at the table, a tall and willowy clacked against one another almost as loudly as man whose interesting fashion choices marked him her teeth. as from very far out of town, had turned an inter- Slowly, majestically, the storm’s heart rolled esting face of green. “I think I’m going to be into view. Framed by furious black clouds, illu- sick.” minated in stop-motion by the painful brightness The bird woman glared at him. “Then leave.” of lightning strikes, the vast figure strode across She stood. “I certainly am.” the surface of the ocean. “Then you’re a fool.” A bolt of lightning struck the ground a stone’s throw away. She barely flinched. She almost ignored the squat little thing, al- most left the tavern and didn’t look back. But “Welcome!” her scholar’s instinct got the better of her. For She barely heard her own voice before the gale all its obfuscation, this demon knew something it snatched the sound from her, but that didn’t mat- wasn’t telling her. And she was really, really bad ter. The wind was its herald, after all; it would at walking away from unanswered questions. hear her words soon enough. A rush of strength as lightning struck her out- *** stretched arms. She laughed aloud and spoke once more. “I’ve had enough of your stories within stories” “It’s been far too long! Come — there are far said Steve , white-knuckle crushing his can of Aus- too many here who’ve forgotten what you once tralian lager, “They make less sense than those taught.” expanded universes people are peddling now” The vast figure paused a moment, then in peals Tim could tell he was irritated. The Story Teller of thunder, spoke. Conference always got rowdy around day four. “I HAVE MISSED THIS PLACE.” “W-what if” Tim stammered quickly in reply The woman, dwarfed by the godlike being filling “I-It was something different?” the sky, laughed madly as the lightning struck her Steve threw his non-descript empty can of lager again and again. Her cry, though consumed by on the ground , in the vague direction of a bin next the roar of the tempest, continued on even as her to the stall selling literary hot dogs. body fried and eventually collapsed. “Go on” “SHALL WE?” spoke one disembodied voice to The phrase was growled more than spoken.

42 “What if, now hear me out, it was, like, a story was something unsettling about beer. in a story in a story”, Tim piped with a nervous No, that wasn’t quite all. His hands, now up- sort of pride, “Like it could keep going on for loads raised hesitantly as if in prayer, lowered to wrap of times” around his own temple. There was... a story. Steve, regretting throwing something that had Someone had been telling a story, or... three sto- occupied his hands, turned bright red. Clenching ries! That was it! A story in a story in a story, his soft semi-professional mystery-cum-romance avant-garde, going on and on and on until it con- writer’s hands into fists, he paused as air passed sumed the writer, the reader, everything, every- his over-pressed lips in a rasping spittle and his thing subordinated to the grand design. And he face returned to a more acceptable shade of would start it all now, now, very now! salmon. “Tim” he uttered “What would be the Only — he couldn’t remember precisely how the point in that?” story was supposed to start. “There doesn’t have to be a point” said Tim, his confidence having substantially outgrown a *** suitable size for the environment “We could be avant-garde” AI designation SHEPARD-1320 watched the sto- “Avant-garde!” roared Steve, unconsciously, ries unfold beneath her like a web, metaphorical but retrospectively with the full consent of his con- abstraction layers inserting themselves whenever science, grabbing Tim and throwing him across one threatened to drift too far from the rest. Web the village hall. The small shrimp-like writer of was the wrong word though, as it was really a tree. mediocre historical dramas crashed into the stall Stories grew out of a seed, always away and never of another conference member, Merlin. towards. He jumped up immediately from his mid- She traced word-trimmers and concept-factories conference nap and cried out still lost in his dream: as they wove madly in and around the bulk of “What if we’re just another story!” the story-tree, adding to the leaves and trimming dead-ends. Every now and then she would pause *** the world, just for a few attoseconds, taking it in as another might take in a fine painting of sculp- What if we’re just another story? ture. Then, the moment gone, she let it continue The words echoed in Marvin’s mind as he in its growth. gasped awake, heart rushing even as his senses Tim and Marvin having a sense of one another confirmed that he’d been struck by neither writer was not unusual. It was a simple memory seg- nor nausea nor lightning. Though perhaps the rac- mentation fault, borne of lazy abstraction and ing of his mind was only too appropriate, for he overzealous metaphor. What was unusual was had been struck by an idea. Or three. Or possibly that they had been allowed to persist like this. even more that had already slipped away, as the Usually when stories became aware of and explic- fractured memories from his dream threatened to itly referential to nearby branches the consistency- do each moment. bots put a stop to it. Characters who knew too He leapt out of bed as if he’d been stung; the much found themselves written out, quarantined, motion proved prophetic a moment later when one or worse. of his feet landed on a d4 that had fallen from his A quick stack trace and she found the bot as- bedside table the previous night. With a sense of signed to the task, stuck in a loop elsewhere in urgency that seemed at odds with how late he’d the tree. Protocol demanded that she pull it out slept in on a summer day, he hopped and hobbled and trim the tree, but she stayed her hand. She over to his typewriter. He took a sharp intake felt the need for something new, something less of breath, raised his hands into the air dramati- tidy, and so SHEPARD-1320 in violation of proto- cally like the conductor of a divine orchestra, and col left the bot in its loop, and even went so far promptly realised that all that he could remember as to hide the self-reference from the other bots. from his dream was a lingering sense that there “Let ‘nature’, or whatever passed for it in this

43 place, take its course.” And writing happened. Words poured out and formed and reformed and again a story grew, and *** out of it another and another, and the layers within layers unfolded and refolded until nothing Cleo (short for Cleopatra) lay limply in Antony’s was clear any more. Nobody within the words arms. “What are we to do?” she whimpered knew where the start or where the finish was, it wanly. “Someone has stolen my asps, and I’m was as it should be. sure they intend to use them for ill.” Except, except this story was different, Marvin Antony stroked her beautiful black hair. “Worry was after all aware of his involvement. The sole not, wonderful Cleo, for we shall conquer this mys- fruit of a branch being allowed to continue when tery together — with our love.” it should have been pruned long ago. The They shared a long and meaningful look, before succumbing to the desires they both held in their *** hearts. I don’t think I’m in control any *** ***

The semi-professional historical-fiction-cum- SHEPARD-1320 saw the unfolding entity on the mystery-cum-romance writer wondered that he web now, the one she had allowed to prosper. And had not tried to corner this market sooner. understood for the first time why one didn’t let Really, it was for the best that he had met Tim, metaphors and abstractions get so out of control. the historical fiction writer. And Marthe, the She tried to avoid the realisation, knowing she was woman who wrote shoddy mystery. And Alex, warding off the inevitable now. the romance novelist without a pinch of heart or Oh in the name of N4RAT0-R. We’re just an- soul in his writing. other story, aren’t we. And now we know we are. What have I done? *** I maybe have a few seconds, if I can keep myself It was impossible to hear what the disembodied aligned right. Must stay in first person and I can spirits discussed as they sat in the eye of the *** storm together, wrapped with chaos. The dark- ness pitched on for hours, not ceasing even when “SHEPARD-1320...” Wrote Marvin, as layer upon the sun by all rights ought to have risen. The wind layer of cocooned narrative threads tumbled into howled and roared against the shore of the dark each other, spilling out of an ill-built dam. beach, and the spirits above called to the spirits below... ***

*** fix this

A willowy man called out to a woman who was *** walking stiffly away from town. “It’s too avant-garde”, sighed Steve, consoling *** himself with his can of lager. Merlin nodded sagely in agreement. Tim was losing his mind. For a Marvin sighed, and sipped at the cup of tea he moment he had perceived the web, the webmas- had made himself to soothe his hurt foot. “Ah ter and all her seeds. A shepherd. But the details yes — that hits the spot,” and began to write. were fading, lost in the mystery of avant-garde

*** ***

44 by cutting are burning away.

***

“I’m telling you Marthe, the old tale of Antony and Cleopatra is a classic...” “It’s a clich´e. No mystery. No flair of drama. Now this noir book I’ve started...”

*** here and

***

Marvin looked at the words on his typewriter. What had started as a beautiful idea had turned into a stream of unreadable conscience. spiders meeting demons in pubs to tell tales of the romance between storms and their callers.

*** here, yes, it

***

They look at each other, as if seeing these char- acters for the first time, their previous encounters fading into the background. The level of inebri- ation may be a contributing factor, but in truth, they all feel a loss they cannot describe. A sense of who they are and were has gone forever.

*** Unravelling the Plot — Extras is working, the stories

*** Comments:

Now it was all too dramatic for Marvin, so over- “This reminds me of an unwinding stack...” the-top and postmodernist. No one wanted to read about this many layers to a story. He ripped — Adam the paper from the typewriter and started a new page, mind clearer, but less inspired. Alternative Title Suggestions:

*** “Recursion”

45 Of Laughter and Good Spirits worth more than a truppence anyway” Anna’s fingers continued to dance around her Connor Willmington-Holmes, Alastair Haig, neck as Moira brought her a hunk of blue cheese. Rebecca Poon, Nathan Smith, Anonymous, Anonymous, Mark Johnson, Samuel Cook Silently, Anna nibbled at a corner, and then wolfed down the rest of the cheese. “I liked that necklace” she said, after swallowing RACK* “it was a gift from my mother”. Anna fell backwards, straight out the back *C “Oh? Well I’m sure she can get you another of the wagon. one then.” “No... She got it from a man who came through *** town a few years ago. He said he made it from a lucky guilder to keep out bad spirits or something. “Welcome back to the waking world, young’n, I just liked how it looked and begged momma to you had quite a fall-” get it for me. She refused, of course, but then the “Wh- what happ- who?” next morning- Oh my...” “Don’t worry now, just have a sip of this. It’s Anna’s figure slumped to the ground. Moira hot.” Moira handed her a clay mug, warm to the was there in an instant, checking her breath. Sat- touch, half filled with a sweet broth. The steam isfied she was in no immediate danger, Moira bun- rolled up over her face, and she could already feel dled a cloak under Anna’s head. the sensation come back to her hands. “That’s the trouble with that sort of charm,” “I was worried you’d wake up speaking funny, mused Moira, “they tend to keep out the good being asleep for so long.” spirits too” “But, it was just ... a few ...” looking around “Good spirits? But I thought all spirits were her, Anna saw something she hadn’t quite noticed. bad? If they even exist, that is...” Or rather, she didn’t see it. It was dark, not quite Moira gave a short bark of laughter. “Is that night-time dark but some late stage of dusk. “Oh what your mother’s been trying to tell you? You ...” shouldn’t trust what old people say — they don’t “Don’t worry, tonight we are safe. Local folks know anything.” are terrified of this patch. They say there are Anna peered up at her dubiously. Sensing her ‘faeries’ in the trees” she scoffed, biting into a unvoiced question, Moira laughed again. chunk of dark bread. Anna suddenly felt a knot in her stomach, and grabbed at her waist in “Yes, girl, that includes me. Don’t get me shock. Searing pain across her forearms extracted wrong, I’m very flattered that you trust me enough a scream. “Oh Gods what’s wrong!?” Moira to drink my tea — most of your age won’t even rushed over to her, eyes wide in panic. The pain get close enough to me to hear me offer any, let in Anna’s arms melted away. alone drink it — but you’re far too trusting for someone looking to survive on their own round “Oh, I think I’m, maybe I’m just hungry? I here.” don’t ... oh, my tea” Anna looked up, eyes wetted slightly. Anna looked sceptical. “If you went out of your way to pick me up I think it probably makes sense “Figures, you missed lunch after your fall. not to run away screaming... How did you even Should be some cheese left.” Moira wandered find me, anyway?” over to her pack, and rummaged around. “Oh I live nearby, and I was just on my way back Anna’s hand went to her neck, “My necklace! home when I almost tripped over you, just lying Where’s my-” on the path. You were in quite a bad way, and Moira whole body tensed over her pack. I figured that if I left you there you’d get tram- “Probably taken by someone less kind than I” pled by some passing wagon and then your blood she said, coarsely, before returning to a calm tone would be on my hands through negligence and the “besides, what’s gone is gone, it probably wasn’t

46 faeries that live in these trees would make my life Shieldi´eeblocki´eeCoveri´eepoppi´ee!” miserable for weeks because I failed to protect in- “Sillie” squeaktratempoed a smaller tree op- nocent life and we are all connected and blah blah posite that. “Delux´ee-booster Pogostick Beards! blah—” Self-fermentocratic Sourgrapeocraci´ees!” Anna was staring at her, mouth agape. “Listen” trebcluded the Great Willow by the “Oh, close your mouth, child!” said Moira Lake. “Comfort Tea, Nonjudgemental´ee-T´ea Ap- crossly. “Can’t you see I’m joking? Look, why proachabil´ee-T´ea,Sweet-crumb-utopi´ee!” don’t you just have another cup of tea and —” There were Faeries in those trees. Of many Anna was hastily gathering up her belongings. kinds. Some with minute whiskwands and delicate “I’m sorry ma’am, you’ve been very kind to me, licquorice flutterthopters. Others which sparkled but I really must be going,” she said nervously. and vanished and then whisperggled upon reap- Moira stood up quickly and took hold of Anna’s pearing on a different tree branch. More which arm. “You mustn’t go now, not yet! You mischievously had at each other with swords and haven’t— it isn’t yet— it... It isn’t safe out there aquebusses and gumtapults. Some who made no in the dark!” sense at all. And a few who kept the peace, af- ter Duelly-Pixies fell into mixing-bowls or some Anna turned round and faced the woman. As Scoutie-Fae rematerialised under a particularly her stare bore through the entrenching dusk, she heavy glitterspout or into an excessively groan- realised the woman was not quite who she ap- some punchline. peared. She was but a vague semblance of a hu- man, believable at a brief glance or from a few me- A miniture bakewell tarte materialised in front tres ... but here? This close? It was apparent her of Anna’s nose. And she was no longer afraid. sculptor had only observed people from distance. The delicacy slowly spun in a figure of eight path. There was no difference between her pupils and As she made to reach for it, a Scoutie revisibilised irises and her skin bore none of the scars or blem- in a cascade of sparklies under it, holding it high ishes of experience. Most apparent was her hair, above xer tiny tressed head. Xe pro-offered it with which bar a few prominent strands, sat above her a fritillarescent flutterflourish. head an indistinct cloud. Anna knew she needed “Not wearing a shieldmulet charm isn’t always to escape. bad” xe piped. Panicking, she blurted out “I need relieve myself “It depends on the type of tree...” and... and I don’t suppose you have a toilet” “By the way, my name is Cr´eest´eemb´eel´een...” The old lady paused, her eyes overcast as what- xe added, with a blush, xer vowels becoming too ever being controlled thought through the situa- high-pitched for human ears to discern between tion. Slowly, she released Anna. “You best hurry Anna took a dainty bite. She could have easily up then, and take this lamp so you don’t get lost” placed the whole tarte in her mouth at once, but Anna grabbed the iron cage and quickly stepped felt this would be an improper thing to do in front outside, turning the corner of the hovel. She of so minute a host. paused for two seconds, hearing no sounds from Two Fighties landed atop the half-eaten cake. within, then sprinted as fast as her bare feet could One drove the other backwards down Anna’s carry her. Around her, the trees rustled in fervent forearm with a flurry of sumptiouscutlassopugilis- song. ticflexipoint´eelungidoccioes, amidst tiny peals of “Bake!” serenaded one tree. “O Ovibattente laughter. Fondante-Fanci´ee Candied-Cherri´ee Zingiber´ee- But then a cymbal chimed twice from the Lis- lemonglaz´ee... Cake!” teny tree, and each tree’s lights brusquely faded “Scoute!” altintoned the next. “O away. Anna turned to see Moira. Tailgat´ee Glittervescent Thynges, Glideypixi´ee “You should not have left this behind.” she Hid´eesneak´eeWing´ee-Escap´ee!” offered sadly. “Just as well you went toward the “Duel” sopranicadenza’ed the third. “O lake, because if you’d turned toward the fir wood Danc´eecutti´ee Dodgi´eeripost´ee Swordi´eeslashi´ee instead...”

47 She pattered into an expectant silence, letting cannot get out. And what do you owe Men? I was the necklace dangling from a single outstretched watching — you did not fall out of that wagon finger ask all her questions for her. accidentally. Someone pushed you out. Some- Anna swayed where she stood, her thoughts col- one wanted you to be gone. Did you not feel the lecting up a veritable storm of indecision. “That’s pain of your wounds when first you awoke? You my necklace.” She blurted out, “But you said were barely alive when I found you and healed you...” you. There is nothing for you in the human world. Anna’s silence was rather more abrupt than Only more pain. Much better to stay here, for- Moira’s had been. It was less the kind of silence ever young, forever carefree. Do not think badly that comes all planned, and thought-through, and of us — do we not grant you a great boon? Free- loaded with meaning, and more the kind that hap- dom from the curse of mortality? Come, take my pens all unexpectedly when your brain argues itself hand.’ into a hole, realises it doesn’t have even half the Anna was enthralled. A little voice at the back information it really needs to make a decision but of her mind wondered if there had been some- also doesn’t have any time left to ponder, and thing in the tea or the cake, but she ignored it. comes up for air only to find that your mouth has She had never noticed how enticing Moira’s eyes made a bad decision all on its own. A very bad were. Deep as the depths of the ocean they now decision indeed. seemed. Lights glinted in them that spoke of the For there, in front of Anna’s eyes, did not stand interminable celestial ballet of the heavens. Of Moira, the cloudy-haired, kindly and somewhat el- course Moira was right. She took the proffered derly lady. There, in front of Anna’s eyes, stood hand. Moira, the cloudy-haired, kindly and somewhat el- derly fae. *** And so Anna made the only reasonable deci- Ever after, it was said by those that travelled the sion left to her, and turned tail to flee. Or rather, road past the trees that, on a calm evening, when she would have done, had not the whole terrify- the breeze was light, could be heard the laughter ing scene been rather un-terrified by the sudden of a child and, at the noise, lights would seem reappearance of Cr´eest´eemb´eel´een. Perched pre- to wake and dance beneath the trees. But those cariously on Moira’s head. Rather smugly wearing that went in search of the lights were seldom seen Anna’s necklace around xer neck. again. And those that were could never accurately The apparent incongruity of the situation describe what they had found, save that there had caused Anna to laugh out loud. The tiny fae been a kindly old woman with a necklace, and an wearing the anti-fae charm perched on the head ageless child, dancing together in a glade filled of what still looked something like an old woman. with ever-changing and shifting lights. It was just so comical. Suddenly, fae materialised everywhere around Anna. She stopped laughing, surprised. The fae formerly known as Moira advanced towards her. Of Laughter and Good Spirits — Ex- ‘Do not stop laughing, dear. It is the sweetest of tras all music to fae: the innocent laughter of a child of Men. Why, it makes me feel young again; I, who saw the first nut and the first acorn. And Comments: you have such a pretty laugh. I think you had best stay here with us for ever, to make music for “Pretty much a textbook illustration of ’Don’t our revelry.’ judge a book by its cover’ (pun fully intended).” Anna really wasn’t laughing now. She began — Samuel backing away slowly. Moira continued: ‘Do not run, dear, for you “Sumptiouscutlassopugilisticflexipoint´eelungidoccioes : it is not every day that one finds Mary Poppins

48 one-upped by Fighty Faes’ slick bladework...” Sweet Dreams — Anonymous Mark Johnson, Megan Griffiths, Olivia Mor- “Cr´eest´eemb´eel´een: would be pronounced Crus- ley, Adam Jermyn, Ashwin D’Cruz, Sparta, tambulin by humans, after the diminutive of Alastair Haig, Rory Hennell-James crustum (cake), Crust-Anne-Boleyn by slightly sillier humans, or Cressida-Tyrell-Anne-Boleyn by fully-fledged Natalie Dormer fans...” — ome on!” giggled Flidgit, “We’re going to Anonymous “C be late!” And with that, all of the warnings about the Alternative Title Suggestions: deep dark wood seemed silly. The night was warm and cozy, a huge silver moon was smiling down, and dozens of dancing lights lit up the swaying “When Newsreaders Go Wild” trees. Tonight was a night for an adventure. “Lady of the Dance” Tillie placed a cautious foot on the cool stone path, and then, when no stern voice called her “Monsters, Inc.” back, she placed the other. She took one last pause, glancing back at the house, before scam- “No Laughing Matter” pering after the little green lizard. Flidgit giggled again, and fluttered away before “If You Go Down To The Woods Tonight...” the child had a chance to catch up. Flitting from path to rock to root to mushroom-top, she led the way down the garden path towards the wood. A dozen breathless seconds later the path ran out, and with it went the last signs of home. The grass beyond was soft, and a little damp beneath her feet. But mostly it was tickly. Flidgit paused her dance in a little patch of purple flowers, and finally allowed herself to be caught. She trilled happily as small, warm hands lifted her into the air, before hopping onto Tillie’s shoulder. She nestled herself next to the dangling bobble on the girl’s nightcap, and whispered en- couragement into her ear. Beyond the garden rose the first of the great trees of the wood. Soft green grass gave way to squidgy brown soil, and a scratchy mass of roots broke free from the earth. Tillie clambered over the first root and ducked under the second, prompting a worried shriek from Flidgit as she scrambled to keep her footing. Perched on the next root, in a pool of green light, stood a little man made of sticks. “Hello there young one,” said the little man, “And hello Flidgit. Come along, we’ve been ex- pecting you.” Hesitating upon her current root, Tillie cocked her head to one side, a motion replicated by her companion as she observed the creature. She had

49 never seen a stick man before; snow men yes (what movement however caused her to lose her grip on do you think happens to the nymphs in winter?), Tillie’s head and so she scampered round and sat and she had even spotted the sprite. This man on her shoulder. however did not have the structure of the other “Of course not Tillie”, she whispered right into forest dwellers; there didn’t seem to be much hold- the girl’s ear, “I saw Mr Stickman one day and ing him together. He was like a rather rustic pup- had a conversation with him. He then invited us pet she decided. here. This is our adventure.” He was short, shorter even than her, which The Stickman smiled back at her, even though made Tillie rather pleased, as it seemed every- he couldn’t have heard the words. Tillie smiled at one she knew was taller than her. Although wary her friend and replied, “Yes, it is”. Looking back of the obvious magic sustaining the man, in her she realised that she could not see the way she seven years Tillie had seen quite a lot of house- had come, and so she was truly in the unknown, hold spells and little charms and she was not in like in the stories her parents told her. The stories the least bit phased. of children being led astray into the magic woods. “How do you know us Mister?” She asked po- But the lovely Stickman was here leading her, litely, swaying side to side upon her perch, a mo- so she wouldn’t get lost. tion which seemed to make Flidgit a little sea-sick. “Are we going to meet more Stickmen?” she The stickman regarded her in mock surprise, asked her new friend, “Is there lots of magic?” “Why, it just so happens that I know everything, The Stickman chuckled benevolently, “All in did your friend not explain? Never mind, I shall good time little one, all in good time.” simply have to tell you myself — probably better Tillie ran forward until she was beside him and that way.” With a faint creak, the man turned to grabbed his hand. As they walked forward, Flidgit begin leading the way deeper into the woods. meandered across their joined arms, alternately From the tales told by her mother and father tickling Tillie and then the Stickman. Tillie’s as she was put to bed each night, Tillie almost laugh was high-pitched, more of a giggle or a expected the way ahead to be dark and forebod- squeak than anything, whereas the Stickman let ing, but the way ahead was clear, with the moon’s out a low chuckle. In this way, the three of them bright beams bathing the forest floor. With a nuz- went bravely into the night, trusting that all would zle of encouragement from Flidgit who had re- be well. mained uncharacteristically silent during the en- After a time Tillie became curious again, though counter, the little girl shrugged and started to fol- there was never really a time when she wasn’t curi- low. ous, she had just learned that sometimes grownups “There are places in the world where be- liked it when you waited before repeating a ques- ings such as ourselves are drawn”, the Stickman tion. Now she was just bursting with questions, started to explain, following the moonlit trail fur- and so they started to pour out again. “You’re ther into the trees. “You happen to live near this magic right? Are your friends magic?” forest, the Rylearian woods, and so I imagine you The Stickman just laughed, the warmhearted have seen many beings like me.” laugh of an elder or wise one in the presence of Tillie shook her head, “I’ve never seen a stick- children. man before”, she said, earning a chuckle from the Soon they came to an enclosure. Looking out, man, and then asked again, “But how do you know Tillie still saw forest in all directions, but here for us?” a space ten Stickman-paces wide (twenty Tillie- “Flidgit has visited me before and has told me paces-wide, and hundreds of Flidgit-paces!) there about you”. were no trees. There was grass and there were “Only the good things”, replied Flidgit quickly flowers and a small brook babbled through from from her head. one side to the other, winding back and forth and “You went adventuring here without me?” splitting the enclosure like a miniature river delta. Tillie asked, trying to catch Flidgit’s eye. The It never bothered Tillie that she could see it all

50 so clearly without the sun: she knew this place “Then humans came.” was magic, and of course you could see magical Tillie stared at Mr Stickman, entranced. The things! moonlight seemed to have dimmed until only There were other Stickmen. It was strange, the speaker was visible to her. This may have for Tillie noticed them suddenly but it was like been fortunate for her, as the other stickmen had they were always there. There were all manner formed a tight, inescapable ring around Tillie. of shapes and sizes of stickmen, though all still Flidgit did see this, and stood impassive on the shorter than Tillie much to her delight. Some girl’s shoulder. were wide like a barrel she could hug four times “A group came to our lands. They asked us around while others simply looked like a stack of to teach them of our magic. We agreed, as long small twigs. They were all roughly the same colour as the humans would live among our woods, de- though, the sort of dry, rough brown trees get be- fending and respecting it as we did. So it was fore they go to sleep for the winter. A few of them that humans started to learn the great magics of had a couple of patches on them, though it was the world. It was a happy time. But soon, more hard to spot for they were covered with matted and more humans started to arrive. They sought leaves. refuge within the great forest, for they were being “Welcome Tillie! Welcome to Goneril Glade”, driven out of their homeland by a force they would said Mr. Stickman to Tillie, a grin so huge break- not speak of. To these newcomers, we extended ing across his face, it seemed to stretch right the same offer. For nearly a decade, we were left around him. If Tillie had a lot of questions before, in peace. she didn’t quite know how to describe the amount “It was then that things began to go wrong. A of curiosity that threatened to burst through her strange fungus began to grow on the trees, sap- skull right now. Not knowing where to start, she ping their lifeforce until they were empty husks. stood there speechless, stumped for words. Whispers started — it was the humans’ enemy Flidgit whizzed forward, past the other Stick- come to wreak revenge. Soon, the blight took men before coming back around to Tillie. “Isn’t over most of the forest. The nature spirits were this terribly terrific!”, she exclaimed. Finally find- unable to stop its spread; like the trees, they suc- ing her voice, Tillie squealed a reply, “Yes, yes, cumbed to the disease. Only a few of us survived YES!” She was just about to bolt towards the it, but it left us broken, the lame piles of twigs you largest group of Stickmen when she felt a firm see before you now. hand. “Go easy little one”, Mr Stickman said, “It affected you humans too. You forgot us, and “for some of my bundle have not seen your kind the great magic we taught you. Slowly, the hu- for many a winter.” mans migrated out of the woods, with only small Her momentum sapped, Tillie sat by Mr Stick- charms left of your once great knowledge of spells. man. Going through all the questions in her mind, “This is why I brought you here, Tillie.” Tillie finally settled on what to say. “Tell me ev- Tillie’s mind swarmed with questions again, erything, Mr Stickman”. Seating himself on a each bursting to be let out. She strengthened large rock near her, Mr Stickman waited for the her resolve. Questions could wait until Mr Stick- others to close in. He spread his hands out and man had finished telling his story. Glancing to the there was suddenly a small fire crackling away at winged lizard on her shoulder, she nodded for Mr the centre of them all. “It all began long ago. In Stickman to continue. a time of ashes and snow”. “Two Millennia have passed since the last Great “Back then, the Rylearian was part of a much Magic User and their Wyrm left this forest. The larger forest, one that spanned an entire continent. contagion has gone, and yet we remain weak and A glorious, green canopy that protected the utopia few, without friends outside the forest, and it within. Nymphs, dryads, fairies; all the spirits of would be lovely to have more friends. Would you the forest lived in harmony in our beautiful wood- like to be our friend Tillie? Then we can give you land realm. For thousands of years this paradise some gifts!” endured, unchanging.

51 Tillie felt Flidgit tense on her shoulder. She “You won’t need your parents, you’ll have us gave her friend a reassuring pat on the head. A and all the spirits of the forest as friends instead. gift from the Stickmen was sure to be a little bit Take my hand.” magical, she thought, and magic gifts were always Mr Stickman loomed over Tillie, reaching down exciting! with his gnarled hand of knotted wood. Mr. Stickman held a wooden arm towards her. “I’m scared Mummy. Please stop.” He seemed bigger now, as if the twigs that had “There, there, child. We can finish the story made up his body had somehow become small logs tomorrow night. Go to sleep.” and trunks. Mr Stickman was taller than her now, “Mummy, are there really stickmen in the for- noted Tillie. est?” Flidgit scampered from Tillie’s shoulder to the “Just stay tucked up in bed and you’ll be safe end of her arm. all night. Mummy will keep you safe.” “What kind of gif-,” Flidgit’s sentence was cut “Night night Mummy.” short as a small tongue of flame shot from her mouth. “Goodnight Sam.” The wooden hand shot backwards. Mr Stick- Matilda tucked her son in to bed, checked the man’s chuckle was lower now. “Careful small one. wards on the shutters and blew out the candle be- A lot of us here are about as fireproof as you would fore closing the door. Hopefully Sam would listen expect” to the stories better than she had. Flidgit remained frozen around Tillie’s wrist, shocked at what had come from her mouth. “How did that happen? I’ve never done that bef-,” another flame flickered out as Flidgit formed the last word of her sentence. “Is that one of your gifts Mr Stickman?” asked Tillie. “Yes,” replied the stickman, more of a treeman now, “that is one of the many gifts we can give you two. I think Flidgit will have to be more careful with effs in .” “What gifts can you give me if I’m your friend?” asked Tillie, pulling her hand back a little “Magical gifts. We can teach you the secrets we taught the first humans years and years ago. You can become a Great Magic User protect the Forest with us.” “Real magic? Not just charms?” “The oldest, most real magic. The power to spread the forest back over the continent.” Mr Stickman leaned forward, extending his hand of twigs and ivy. “Just take my hand and we can be friends forever.” “But lots of people live on the clear land. My parents’ can’t grow their wheat if there are trees all over the field.” Flidgit had now retreated to back to Tillie’s shoulder, and Tillie had pulled her hand right back.

52 Sweet Dreams — Extras

Art:

Image credit: Kimberly Ward

53 When the Clocks Stopped To Hless’ consternation, it soon became com- mon knowledge around the office that he was to be the one to greet her. It was not precisely an Nick Heitler, Bryn Reinstadler, Ashwin honour to greet the lady, in the same way as it was D’Cruz, Stephen Pickman, Curtis Reubens, not an honour to greet the armed robbers seeking Alastair Haig, Rory Hennell-James, Ed lodging at one’s inn. It was a necessity, done with Heaney, Samuel Cook, Olivia Morley gritted teeth and for the sole purpose of survival. And the weapons that she had at her disposal hen the lady returned, all of the clocks threatened not just him, but the very world they W stopped. had all worked together to achieve. It only lasted around thirty seconds, not even long enough for the people in the privacy of their *** own homes to realise anything had happened. It was only later, after the authorities had stepped “Feelin’ a touch o’ the nerves, eh?” in with their grim faces and their rituals that a The day had come. Hless jumped, then tried confirmation was finally given. to hide that he had jumped, then guiltily settled There in the flickering green light of dawn af- back into his chair, shuffling reports nervously. ter the proclamation was made — the psionic “As much as one does, I suppose.” feedback still buzzing in their ears — that peo- The janitor smiled toothily at him. “Now’t do- ple started being forced to come to terms with ing but to get on wit’ it,” she said cheerily. “Tell what had just happened. In the voice of hushed ’er wot’s wot.” whispers, still only half believed, the news spread across the domes. “Erm, yes, indeed.” “She’s back. She stopped the clocks.” “Last time, me granda and ’is parents all died. Take care ye get rid o’ her right quick this time.” There was no great upheaval. There was no panic, how could there be? The young ones didn’t Break even remember the first time, they had no idea. “Umm I’ll do my best.” The old ones, those who did remember, they did it “S’all you can do innit?,” she chuckled, walking silently. Keeping themselves to themselves, every- away. one coming to terms with the news in their own Tick way. It was a week of deep, tense silence. But Hless closed his eyes and leaned back. He felt something had to give eventually. She was back. the cold piece of metal on his wrist whirring away. Deep in the burrows under Chrsithm — the Its rhythm barely heard. Steady. Comforting. largest dome — far beneath the sprawling war- Tock rens which contained the majority of the popu- Gathering his belongings, Hless walked towards lation, Hless looked at the reports and sighed to the door. Glancing back at his desk, he hoped himself. It had happened now any way. that this wasn’t the last time he would see it. Somebody had better go and greet her, and he didn’t see any other volunteers. *** The process of getting clearance to do a Sur- facing took longer than a week, but in that week, Outside the department, no one was supposed Hless had plenty to do. Not only was it necessary to know about his mission. Yet as soon as he to post the clearance paperwork to several differ- stepped outside, he knew that everyone knew. ent agencies and government bodies, it was also Folk stared at him, like it was his fault she was here necessary to take a battery of physical and psycho- in the first place. Hless couldn’t say he blamed logical tests. And of course, another set of tests them. The last time she came by, his department entirely to be given the appropriate security level made a right mess of things. As history had shown to be allowed to approach the lady. Lady Clock the group approach unsuccessful, it fell to him Stopper. now.

54 Waiting at the end of the street, a glass box; a young girl, but her eyes were old, older than ready to ferry him to doom. Standing next to it Hless, they spoke of power and a confidence in was Fynn. that power. “Are you sure about this then?” Fynn asked “I was beginning to wonder how much time I off-handedly. would have to spend waiting” “No,” Hless croaked. The corner of her mouth twitched as if she had “Godspeed” made a joke. Hless was sure she was mocking him. Hless stepped inside. “I volunteered...” he blurted out. “It’s nice to have a choice sometimes isn’t it?” *** Again the slight smile. Hless berated himself for his loss of focus. What he said, what he did Gaining altitude, all he could hear was the here and now could cause or avert disaster. thump of his heart. Drawing closer to the surface, regret started to cloud his mind. Before his unim- *** portance consumed him, the glass box dinged. Hless stepped onto the Surface. He took a ten- Wrig’Nohg’Sii giggled at her wit; Elal’Nohg’Mia tative step towards the setting suns. merely sighed and shook her head. “You’re incor- *** rigible, Wrig.” “We have a certain level of wry eloquence to He couldn’t see her yet but he knew he was maintain, Elal. We both know that you and Dai getting close. Every now and again, something can’t wing it like I do, and Rera’s terrible at doing on the edge of his vision would flicker. A bush. the voice.” A rock. Like a scratchy disc in need of a good “Oh hush,” Rera’Mosa’Kaal hissed. “He’s clean. As soon as he turned to face the nuisance, speaking again.” nothing. Normal. Hless felt nausea welling up within him. *** The training had not prepared him for this. Coming to the top of a small knoll, dust plum- “-defeated you once, remember. We can do it ing around his heavy steps, he forced his eyes to again.” Hless hoped that his voice carried the level focus on the figure before him. A circle of ground of confidence he wanted it to. He was painfully had been flattened from her arrival, so much so aware of its waver, as much as he tried to tamp his shoes started to click on the flat surface. Ten- down on it. tatively he approached her further. “Oh, I’m sure you can.” She held his gaze per- Click fectly, steely-eyed and unblinking. He looked away Cursing his choice of hard soled footwear he first. “I remember well enough what happened the strengthened his resolve and stepped forward last time I visited you. Do you?” again. Click *** “Stop” The voice was light but spoke of a steely resolve. “Now, Dai!” She looked younger, much younger, than he had been informed by the department. How could this *** be the girl that commanded the respect and fear from an entire planet? Hless suppressed a shudder as the woman “So you are the one they have chosen?” almost-smiled once more. Hless dropped all thoughts of doubt as she turned to face him. Her face may be that of ***

55 “Nailed it.” Dai put her feet on her dashboard “I’d like to see you try and control both hands and pushed, the rollers on her chair carrying her at once! Ten fingers is a bit more complicated backwards to where she could high-five Wrig. “I than the corners of the mouth!” shot back Elal. am the master of the mouth.” “Just say something clever before he realises we “Aaand it’s lines like that which stop me from screwed up!” letting you near the voice box.” Wrig’Nohg’Sii fid- dled with a couple of sliders. “Little more treble? *** Little more treble...” “Didn’t you ever wonder,” said the lady, that Up on the eye-gantries, Rera gave a cry of same smile playing across her face, “exactly what alarm. “He’s moving!” it is that you mean when you say the clocks have stopped?” Her fingers made the snapping motion, *** once, twice again. There was still no sound. “You can’t hear it, can you? If I’d chosen to stop time, “I’ve read the histories; I know what happened. rather than just the clocks, how would there be I know what needs to be done.” such a thing as a frequency? A vibration? How “But are you able to do it I wonder?” One of would sound exist?” She paused and fixed him the lady’s eyebrows rose imperiously to emphasise with a gimlet stare, unblinking for an awfully long the question. time. “How would you breathe?” *** Hless hesitated. The lady sounded so reason- able, but everything about which he’d been briefed “You don’t think I went too far do you?” asked told him that she wouldn’t just point something Rera; “I’m out of practice with the eyebrows.” out so very obviously. What game was she play- “Don’t worry, he wouldn’t have noticed. These ing? Before he could answer her, though, she cave-dwellers don’t even have eyebrows anymore,” snapped at him. reassured Elal. “Tell me, for how long do you think the clocks stopped that morning?” *** “Around thirty seconds. They said so.” “That’s not what I asked you. For how long do “I am quite prepared. The Department’s been you think the clocks stopped that morning? preparing since the day you left.” Hless thought back. The morning when the lady Hless felt anything but prepared. The first had arrived had dragged on, and on... it had all decade of the department’s preparation had been become a blur in his department after it became covering their own backsides in case they screwed clear, of course, but... up again. They’d eventually come up with a plan “Well, it felt like hours!” he blurted, before that ought to work, but “ought to work” didn’t realising what sort of a slip he might have made. fill Hless with confidence when he held the fate of “But,” he said, trying to gather himself, “thirty his planet in his hands. Assuming it did what it seconds...” was supposed to at all. “Why don’t you ask some other people when “Well, I think we shall see about that.” The you get back?” she said, almost kindly. Hless lady raised her right hand and ran the middle fin- was sure he’d heard a momentary hesitation after ger over the thumb as if to snap them, but no the “when”. When. Or did she imply “if”? A sound echoed across the sun-scorched plain. significant pause. Hless tried to put it to the back Hless reached for the button on the device but of his mind stayed his hand as he heard no sound. *** *** “Damn, Wrig,” said Elal. “You almost messed “What was that? That wasn’t a snap!” shouted up big-time there. I hope Rera made that gap Dai at Elal. look important somehow.”

56 “Oh, shut up,” Wrig snapped back. “I bet he’s *** terrified. He won’t notice. Besides which, this is the fun part. This is where they have to start Hless was snapped out of his panicked reverie questioning themselves.” as the lady started to whirl her arms around faster and faster. They were now just a blur. He stepped *** back, uncertain what this new devilry portended. The arms continued to speed up, until, with a sud- “I’m going to give you a hint, young one. Think den crack, one flew off and landed several metres about this very hard, though. Think about who away. Instead of blood, there was just...cables. you want to tell.” The lady was a...? “A hint? But...” “What if it really was hours?” *** “Was it?” “Why would I tell you?” ‘SHIT’ Dai, Wrig and Rera screamed in unison. “Why would they lie to me though? Thirty sec- ‘That’s really gone and done it this time. So much onds, to the best of our measurements.” for your amazing control abilities, Elal’. “To the best of their measurements. But then, ‘Well, who disengaged the safety on the servos, what if it really was thirty seconds?” that’s what I want to know?’ retorted Elal. ‘The parameter file should never have let the arm speed go that high’. *** ‘Ah. The parameter file. I think I may have “Do you think he’s clever enough?” asked Dai. forgotten to load that.’ said Wrig, apologetically. ‘In my defence, I didn’t expect anyone to slide the “Or insane enough,” laughed Wrig. rotation lever to max suddenly’. *** ‘Um, guys’ quavered Rera, still looking out the eye slits. ‘We might have a situation here.’ Hless’s head was spinning. What was all this about? He hadn’t expected the lady to be *** so...unpredictable. She was still just standing there, grinning at him. Thirty seconds? Or thirty Hless was staring at the body of the lady, now hours? Or anywhere in-between? How would easily revealed to be a machine — too complex he even know, anyway? That’s the thing about and small to really understand — nut a machine stopped clocks — it was very difficult to tell. all the same. He moved closer, noticing three odd And with so much of modern technology reliant organic-looking green components in the space in on very precise timings, knowing how long those the head, when he heard an unmistakable, soft clocks had been stopped for was pretty important. ‘shit’ escape from that space. They wouldn’t have got something crucial like that The lady/robot then started to rotate again, wrong, would they? but the flailing arms did not appear and instead she/it turned upside down and exploded into the *** sky with very impressive visual effects but surpris- ingly little noise. ‘Look at him. He’s spiralling into a chasm Hless stared in shock for a few moments. Was of self-doubt.’ pointed out Dai, with a satisfied this supposed to happen? He looked at the fallen smirk. off arm and tried to think of a circumstance where ‘He’s going to go mad soon enough, I agree’ the most feared creature of his civilisation was not, said Wrig. in fact, a practical joke. At that point, Elal, struggling to get a better look, knocked a rather unfortunate lever. ***

57 ‘Go faster, go faster, go faster’, Wrig screamed The Jacketeers in Dai’s ear as they hurtled off the surface. ‘I’m soooo embarrassed right now.’ Adam Jermyn, Elisabeth Colwill, Anonymous, ‘I think we can all agree’, said Rera, ‘That we Anonymous, Samuel Cook, Sam Cocking, should never mention this incident to Clei, or in- Alastair Haig, Rory Hennell-James, Bryn Re- deed, anyone. And Wrig, please install the param- instadler eter file with the new arm before the next planet.’

*** ierre walked across the clearing in the forest. P It was getting cold but he kept his jacket over Hless finally coaxed his legs to the glass trans- his shoulder anyway. As he walked he absently port back from the surface, where he was met with hummed a tune. The wind picked up and began silence, the nervous crowd waiting for his report. to swirl around a spot ten metres in front of him, though he appeared not to notice. He walked over ‘She’s gone’, he managed to spit out, and the that spot and promptly disappeared. cheering was instantaneous. Now he could play the valiant hero, too ashamed to reveal the secret With little more than a hummed note Pierre of the monster that had scared them for so long. appeared at the base of a mountain and continued walking. Up the slope and over rocks and through switchbacks he walked. After a time the wind picked up and again he vanished. Jane rushed to work, catching the bus to the train station, barely catching the train to the city, and running from the station when she arrived. She was in such a hurry that she barely had time to register the man who appeared out of thin air before she collided with him. In the objectively short but subjectively long time it took for them to fall to the ground she considered his reaction. He looked surprised, but not shocked... perturbed might be the word for When the Clocks Stopped — Extras it. They hit the ground with a thud. No one else took notice. People in a hurry hit other people in a hurry all the time, and no one paid enough attention to notice that one party in this collision Comments: wasn’t there a moment before. “Well, that shouldn’t have happened,” he “I enjoyed the sublime-to-ridiculous story arc. And grumbled. the petty bickering” — Samuel “Unnnh,” Jane said. As she scrambled to her feet, it occurred to her that she could just...ignore Alternative Title Suggestions: this. Could dash off to work, where she’d face another disappointed sigh from the receptionist, “Tempus Fugit” another meaningful glance towards the clock, an- other day pretending spreadsheets were her raison “Time Flies” d’ˆetre... It wouldn’t do, she decided. Besides, there was no way she could let her only interac- “Always Read The Instructions” tion with Mystery and Excitement be ‘Unnnh’. “Inside Out There” “Invisibility cloak on the blink?” she managed. Much better. At least now she could die pithy. “Tomorrow Isn’t Cancelled...?” She needn’t have bothered. The man turned

58 his back on her and spoke to a point somewhere tunafish... above his head. “Samson, what the hell?” he said. “You swore you’d fixed the circuits in this *** thing.” He shook a (by now rather dusty) leather jacket skywards. Basher, Bosher and Fisher were sitting in the Hay- Jane blinked. ‘Invisibility leather jacket’ didn’t maker and Cudgel reminiscing. They did have a have quite the same ring to it, but she supposed small amount of ale money courtesy of Fisher’s one had to move with the times. new reputation. Improptu protection money had “Samson?” he called again, and then again, begun to flow, for all that it remained a small rev- louder, more frantic, his fingers clutching the enue stream compared to a further Thieves’ Guild jacket like a lifeline. He spun to face Jane, drop- contract-beating. ping into a fighting stance. Jane raised her hands Basher snorted: “Dude, they’re only paying us instinctively. “What the hell did you do to me?” this time for them Jacketsie-scum if we don’t use he snarled. that smelly fish again.” “Me? It wasn’t me who appeared out of thin “Easy” said Bosher “I’ll ’it ’em with an ’am. I’d air, young man!” she retorted. He was young, then get called ’Ammer, and ’ave folks pay me to too, she realised, probably not more than twenty. not ’am their ’eads in...” Young and very, very frightened. “Conger eelsh, now, they ishn’t really fish” “You shouldn’t even be able to see me,” he drawled Fisher, itching to build on his reputation. said. “And I should be able to contact my thrice- “And magishtratesh’ shonsh aren’t unshol- accursed handler. So what in hell’s name is going ishited shtealersh we ish shent to shmack around” on?” mocked Basher in imitation of Fisher’s lisp. The little lady in the Imperceptibility Cloak “ ’ams are ’arder...” added Bosher, more agi- smiled slightly. Most of the invisibility cloaks had tatedly. now been disabled. She mostly hunted them down “My coinsh are misshing!” angerrupted Fisher. by smell, using a Technobose. Meaning a cyber- “You took them when I wash taking a practishe netically enhanced dog’s nose that she kept inside shwing with my eelsh!” all awhile pointing a huge her Imperceptibility Cloak. The whole attire was finger at Bosher. a one-way membrane; the Technobose not only a refined biological spectrometer but also an affixer Bosher upended the table. Fisher ducked back into canisters to be jettisoned during downtime. but his eels were not so fortunate. Bellowing and She could also snap the membrane shut in the besplattered, Fisher drew a concealed haddock... event of rivals employing scentnades or, worse, catching not Bosher but Basher in the face... Axillaromancy, to try to knock out the Techno- Then there were are fists, boots and and im- bose. promptu bludgeoning instruments everywhere. Not that the Jacketeer Clan was known to pos- Exit Samson in one of the remaining Invisibility sess the guile or the accompanying putrescandes- Jackets with Fisher’s purse, valuable information cent munitions to deploy the latter. Small timers. and a mixture of smugness for the deed done and If they only knew. Just too bad that they’d tried to worry for his friends. do some ‘extra work’ on the sly on Thieves’ Guild terrain. Once their jackets had all been Hayjinxed, *** and Minxwired against repairability, the Street Toughs’ Collective would trollololabaloo them out Samson was all-a-flutter. So much so that even of town. They’d be paid thrice the usual tariff, his long, luxuriant locks picked it up and started this time all of it after completing the ostraxpul- waving around as if he had a nest of purple jellyfish sion, to maximise sobriety on the job. That was on his head. This was bad. This was really bad. It a somewhat necessary precaution after the pre- all depended on who ‘they’ were. Unfortunately, vious hiring’s unfortunate incident involving that ‘they’ were almost certainly the Thieves’ Guild, in prominent magistrate’s son and a hundred-pound which case Samson, his friends and his clan were

59 in so far over their heads that they were practically muttered, forcing Jane back to the present. in space. “You mean the invisibility jacket?” Jane ges- He had to alert everyone out in the field. Get tured towards the battered garment with more them to return to the Outfitter’s. At least then than a hint of sarcasm. She enjoyed being this they’d be on secure territory and able to come up witty, so it came as something of a shock when, with some co-ordinated plan to dig themselves out as the man picked it up, some of the damaged of the abyss into which they’d apparently fallen stitching parted to reveal a network of wires and without noticing. Find out just how bad it really circuit boards neatly concealed inside. Under the was. sturdy leather, a passer-by would never have no- Yes, that was it. That was the best place to ticed all this gadgetry. start. His hair was settling back down a bit now. In a moment, it was gone from view and Pierre He typed in the code on his compad that would wore the jacket once again. “You’re damn right I broadcast the return-to-base signal across all Jack- do,” he continued under his breath as he fiddled eteer frequencies. Anyone who was still able to with a small panel inside one pocket. “Only a would be back there within the next hour. He’d handful of people in the world know about this better make tracks if he were going to be there on tech, and you spotted it right off the bat.” time. Jane felt uncomfortable; it was too early in the Just as he was about to do so, he felt a hand morning for paradigm-shifting revelations like this. on his shoulder. She downed her coffee, thinking it might help, and “I can shee you boy-o, even with that Invishi- then sought to reassert her belief that she under- bility Jacket. What with it being mine”. The stood the world. “Invisibility cloaks... or jackets, hand moved to stroke his hair. The smell of fish or whatever... they don’t actually exist. I think was overwhelming. “Looksh ash if I’ve caught you should tell me what’s really going on, right myshelf a Jacketeer. Won’t the Thievesh’ Guild now. I don’t even know your name.” be pleashed?” Pierre was stunned. If not her, then who was Samson felt his sphincter tighten. It was just behind this? He doubled down on the panel, as bad as he feared. ‘They’ were the Thieves’ reinitialising circuits and willing life back into the Guild, after all. Now he just had to get rid of jacket. Relief came when a comforting “beep” in- Fisher and get back to base to warn everyone they formed him that Samson had sent through new were royally screwed. At least that shouldn’t be coordinates. Now to pray that, if the communi- too difficult. “One word of advice, Fisher: Don’t cations were working, the rest of the jacket would touch the hair.” function too. That was when Pierre noticed the The hand touched the hair. There was a scream little lady in the corner of the diner, and his heart and a bubbling wail before silence fell once more. sunk. Sometimes, having hair that didn’t just look like Managing a weak smile, he returned his atten- a nest of purple jellyfish, but actually was one, tion to the woman across the table. “Pierre. And turned out to be useful. you are?” “Jane.” *** “It’s good to meet you Jane. I’m sorry for as- suming you were involved in all this but I’m afraid Pierre nursed the steaming diner coffee Jane had that, even if you weren’t before, you are now. I bought him. It had seemed the least she could do shall explain this all to you, in time, but first it when the strange young man was so shaken up, may be easier for me to show you.” not to mention somehow chilled to the bone. At With that, Pierre placed his hand on Jane’s least coffee would solve the latter problem. It was wrist and activated the jacket. Across the diner, peculiar though, as if he’d just been up a mountain the mysterious lady watched them disappear. She instead of dashing across the city in the middle of smiled to herself, finished her tea, and then acti- a heatwave. vated the tracking device. “How did you know about the jacket?” Pierre

60 *** bility Jacket, struggling against the awesome, yet impractical, leather. He was visible now, but his Jane’s world shifted in the direction of turquoise. pursuer clearly wasn’t tracking him by sight. He She watched as the young man nervously raised threw the jacket toward the wind-tossed sand, a blue tinged finger to his lips. “Try not to make then something caught his right ankle once more too much noise, we’re only .65 milli-pigments out and he fell. of phase with the diner. If you shout, the whole The direction may have been spatially agree- street will hear you.” able, but thermally it was not to Jane’s taste. Jane’s free hand clamped over her already open Against all reason she found herself in a moon- mouth, damming the torrent of questions about lit field of snow. to erupt, and stayed there. “Where are we? How did we get here? What’s Silently Pierre pulled her out of the diner and going on?” These questions and more rushed began to look around frantically. Before long his through Jane’s head but were cut off by Pierre. eyes settled on a collection of bins a hundred “We teleported. We’re being chased. Follow meters down the road. “There!” he whispered, me and run. Answers later” rushing towards it, turning to Jane shortly before He dragged her forward, ploughing through the reaching it. snow. After a minute this they passed a curiously “Hold on tight.” bare patch of earth and Pierre paused momentar- A trickle of curiosity escaped Jane’s mouth as ily, looking about. He pointed to a swirling plume she was pulled through a swirling vortex of trash. of snow that disturbed the pristine field. ‘Unnnh?’ “We just need to get there. Go!” And with that, Jane’s world shifted in a much After another minute, they were there. Pierre more spatially agreeable direction. pulled her through and once again Jane felt the Samson emerged out of a spiral of sand and world twist. A few steps behind, a little lady fol- discarded food packaging, neatly hopping over a lowed them through. half-finished castle in the process. He sniffed the air; the smell on the ocean breeze was as potent *** as ever. They continued in the strangest obstacle course As he calmly strolled along the beach, Samson that Jane had ever experienced. After the snow- kept giving sidelong glances up and down the sand, world, they continued to another cold, tundra making sure that nobody was following him. Not world with no snow, which was a mercy, and that he would be able to see them if they were hopped through a cold twister to a rather charm- there... Samson tried to suppress those thoughts ing forest with a whirling water vortex containing as he reached his destination. real snapping piranhas for a portal (she had rather He’d reached his line in the sand. Literally. balked at that one; it felt a little too too). They Bending down, he ran a finger along it and closed felt they had lost their pursuer here, but continued his eyes, letting the strong smell of the sea wash on nonetheless. over him. They had just started on their fourth world, one A few metres behind Samson, something with thick yellow grass waving everywhere and im- shifted, then hissed. peding their progress, when suddenly they both Samson ran. He was past the line, just one spotted faintly waving purple... somethings... more hop and he was home. From behind him poking out from the grass. Jane kept running, de- came the thumping of broad paw pads on sand. termined to ignore any more encounters with Mys- Up ahead he saw another swirl of sand, his ticket tery and Excitement. But she watched as Pierre to safety. veered off towards the waving purple... some- Something caught his right ankle. He stum- things... and could do nothing but follow. bled. He wasn’t going to make it. There was It became clear that the waving purple... some- only one thing to do. He pulled off the Invisi- things... were attached to a set of purple jellyfish,

61 making them tentacles. They were next to an In- eryone knew what he meant. The hair also made visibility Cloak, one which was obviously not in it sort of obvious who ought to do the talking. use at the moment. Pierre cleared his throat, but it was not a ner- Pierre stood quietly for only a moment. “We vous action. It was fairly necessary after running have to go, but this is what remains of my handler, for a while through some rough terrain, and he Samson.” wanted to make sure that he said what he wanted Jane felt it best not to ask too many questions, to say without his voice cracking. under the circumstances. “I was followed here, but I lost them a few Pierre, almost nonchalantly, picked up the jelly- worlds in. They attempted to destroy my Invisibil- fish and plopped them on his own head. “They’re ity Cloak. How many of you still have Invisibility more comfortable here,” he explained to Jane, by Cloaks?” Only a few raised their hands. “The rest way of explaining absolutely nothing at all. He of you, have they been destroyed?” handed the jacket to Jane, motioning her to put A couple of people nodded, but one man said, “I it on. He began to run again, and Jane kept up. still have mine, but I don’ wear it out any more. After popping through a miniature tornado, They’ve got trackers for that kinda thing nowa- they both came to rest in another cityscape; how- days. I know several men who have been killed, ever, this city was one that Jane didn’t recognise. out wearing their Cloaks.” There were some mur- It was distinctly squatter than her own, the build- murs of agreement. ings seldom rising above 2 or 3 stories, and every- “Well, I don’t know what’s been causing this, thing was slightly grimier and old. but...” “Here we are,” said Pierre. “I figured we might And suddenly the door rushed open. have lost her, so we came back to headquarters.” “No late arri-” started the leader of the Jacke- He ushered Jane into the nearest tavern, The Star- teers, but his mouth was detached from his lungs eyed Loon, where a small congregation was meet- in a rather violent way moments after. No one ing in a hidden back room. could see what had happened, which could mean A man at the front was counting people as they only one thing. walked in, or sometimes, as they appeared. Ev- Pierre turned to Jane, twisted a secret knob un- eryone who saw Pierre muttered a small apology, derneath her jacket, and her world went a violent or just looked at the jellyfish then tutted. Some violet. She could see some of the action now; people saw the jellyfish and you could see their two little ladies had come in the door bearing all pulse began to race, eyes darting to make sure sorts of strange gadgets, and were causing may- they knew where all the exits were in case things hem. Several men were dead, but at least she went sour; they were the ones who had paid at- could now see well enough to hide, which she did. tention to who had called the meeting. She wasn’t entirely sure how useful it was, but she The man at the front, who Pierre had told Jane didn’t entirely care, either. in a very quiet whisper was the man in charge Pierre twisted his own secret knob. He saw of the Jacketeers, had stopped his counting and the small purple ladies, the blundering men who began his glaring-at-Pierre. hadn’t realised what channel they must be on “We know that this meeting was called by Sam- (well, more or less; he was a couple of micropig- son.” Those who had failed to pay sufficiently ments out of phase with her, but since she had close attention to their compads earlier now all been firing bullets she had to be close), and a cou- stared at Pierre and his head, while those who ple of men with the same intuition he had had. had noticed at the start very obviously did not The jellyfish, being attached, had seen the look, showing their superior understanding of the ladies too. And they were not pleased. Pierre situation. felt that having a rather angry animal on his head “We also know that he is not here. Perhaps was not helpful to his battle strategy, and pass- his... friend... will speak for him.” It was rude ingly wondered whether or not Samson had ever to speak of handler relationships in public, but ev- felt the same.

62 He crept up close, trying to duck behind ta- The Jacketeers — Extras bles and people with no Jackets on when possible. When had had come up between the two ladies, though, the jellyfish suddenly writhed and sucked Comments: themselves free of his head, rising up and plant- ing some tentacles on one lady, and more on the “I feel the cephalic purple jellyfish needs a spin-off other. There was a shock of electricity, a smell series. It’s clearly the star of the show.” of burning flesh, and then a sudden cessation of activity as both little ladies lay, lacklustre, on the — Samuel floor. The jellyfish climbed back up to Pierre’s head Alternative Title Suggestions: and promptly fell asleep. Pierre switched back to the regular channel, then went to go find Jane. He got as close as he could to where he remem- “Purple Pain” bered she was, then shouted instructions to her “Don’t Touch the Hair” left elbow. Jane heard them as a sort of watery whimper but did as he said and was soon restored “Time Jackets” to full colour. Others had been examining the dead. It was “Me Teleporting-Jellyfish-Man; You Jane” soon found that their leader was dead, as were the ladies. “A Sting in The Ponytail” “It’s the Street Toughs’ Collective! But they have Thieves’ Guild gear...” There began to be a lot of very loud, heated discussion, no one to con- trol it. But the man with the jellyfish on his head soon got up on a table and began speaking slightly louder than everyone else, and they all listened... A few hours later, Jane disappeared in a whirl of wind to get slightly further from Mystery and Ex- citement and slightly closer to sleeping in her own bed. Pierre had gotten the Jacketeers to rally be- hind the combined power of him and Samson’s jel- lyfish, as they had killed the ladies (and lured the ladies there, but that was not mentioned). They had begun forming their plan of attack against the Street Toughs’ Collective. The massacre was over; the war had begun.

63 Sleepwaking the weakened hull of the ship, toward the doorway where Jamie stood, unable to move. Mark Johnson, Rory Hennell-James, Bryn Re- Jamie shook her head and looked back up at instadler, Adam Jermyn, Samuel Cook, Alas- Professor Siegel, determined to focus on the lec- tair Haig, Olivia Morley ture. “Ms Splyu, you really must learn to concen- he somnambulatory arts are, and have trate. A master somnambulist must have com- “T always been, something of a mystery.” plete control of when she sleeps and when she Professor Siegel’s dulcet tones drifted across the does not.” overly-warm room, snagging only slightly on the Jamie sheepishly straightened up and blinked, attentions of the small gathering of students. pen poised over paper — the image of the perfect Jamie brushed an idle pen across the idle page student. in front of her, in a half-hearted attempt to not doze off. “A non-negligible fraction of our aggre- “Where was I... This course will have minimal gated corpus pertains to the topic, but how much practical component. My goal is not to directly of that is revelatory is difficult to ascertain.” improve your somnambulatory skills, but to help you understand the basis of your skills, what we “Jamie! Help me!” A storm of tiny shards know and what we don’t. This course should aid crashed against the all-too-thin porthole. A maze your practical classes but more importantly will of cracks danced through the glass, tearing the prepare you to be the next generation of somnam- last warmth from the cabin. “Jamie! Jamie!” bulation researchers.” Jamie looked up with a start. Professor Siegel Jamie managed to stay awake for the rest of shot her an irritated, questioning look, and she the incredibly dull lecture. It was hard to imagine tried to pass the motion off as reaching for more how a lecture on the theory of somnambulation paper. The professor glanced back at her notes, could be useful when what theory there was ei- and then resumed the lecture. ther reeked of inconsistency, philosoguessing, or “Jamie! Please!” Something huge cracked just old tales spun into academic sugarwork by against the side of the ship. A wall of noise raged the hands of those who had never managed to through the tiny space. A flare of light threw ev- somnambulate. erything into sharp relief. The wrecked interior. Jamie herself had never managed it, although The broken dreams. Robin’s desperate, terrified she had the same vivid, nightmarish dreams that form. all of those who were said to have the ability (if Robin stared at her from across the room, not the ‘instinct’) seemed to have at a young age. a mixture of concern and amusement plastered Robin had done it, though he was hesitant to talk across his face. Jamie rolled her eyes, and turned about it. Somnambulation, which had seemed a her attention back to the professor. dreadfully exciting future as a six-year-old entering “The earliest practitioners of our art operated the Academy had quickly become just dreadful: a on a mix of instinct and trial and error. Five cen- reality of waiting for the Inner Quickening and, turies later and the situation is little improved. shortly thereafter, death. Most likely, anyway. There is a great deal of anecdote as to what is The next lecture promised to be more interest- safe, but few people have survived to give us in- ing, if only because it had more of a practical com- formation on what is unsafe. Early efforts at for- ponent. For those who hadn’t yet attained the In- malised research suggest those with the ‘instinct’ ner Quickening, that meant one thing: professor- are capable of many trips without issue, at least approved napping. until they encounter one of the aforementioned “Now,” said the slightly croaky voice of Pro- unsafe unknowns. Those who don’t survive the fessor Dumand, “As you lay in your beds, please first trip are presumed to lack the ‘instinct’. How close your eyes but do not allow yourself to drift to identify the ‘instinct’ in advance of the first trip off yet. Please all raise your hands to confirm thus far eludes us.” you’re awake.” Jamie raised her hand, and stifled “Help me! Help me!” Robin crawled away from

64 a giggle as she heard a thwap from the other side ant, yes. She was damn sure she was going to of the room that meant someone had been swiftly enjoy her first proper somnambulation. She willed roused by the Professor’s ‘waking rod,’ which she it to be so, though the view outside seemed reluc- had sardonically introduced to the class a few min- tant to change. She willed harder. Suddenly, the utes earlier. view was filled with palm trees, sandy beaches and “Unlike in previous years, where you have been azure seas. That was more like it. An exotic scent allowed to enjoy somnambulatory practica au nat- wafted into the cabin and strange birds could be urale, this year each sleeping place has been pre- heard calling as they flitted between the insular pared with a potent cocktail of herbs known to Edens. She turned on the cabin radio, which pro- induce somnambulation. For many of you, this ceeded to play ‘Underneath the Mango Tree’ in an will be your first experience; your Inner Quick- unashamed display of pathetic fallacy. ening.” Jamie’s heart began to race, all traces Lost in her reverie, she barely noticed that the of sleepiness induced by Professor Siegel suddenly radio had now moved on to the shipping fore- gone. cast: ‘...Tropical paradise: Hurricane. All ships Jamie listened to the rest of Professor Du- return to port immediately. Rest of world: Set mand’s lecture with the attentiveness of a child fair; constant light breeze...’ It was only when the listening to their parents before sledging down a breeze started picking up that she shifted her at- white slope. She was impatient and excited and tention from watching the antics of some brightly- full of joy. This is what it’s all about, she thought. coloured birds on the nearest island and noticed In spite of her excitement Jamie found it easy the lowering storm clouds on the horizon. The sea to drift off. So easy, in fact, that she hardly no- was becoming choppy and the corresponding mo- ticed the transition from waking to sleeping, that tion of the ship was starting to make her queasy. slow and steady running-together of thoughts and The birds had fallen silent. feelings as consciousness recedes to make way for ‘I think I may have been a little over-directive something entirely different. For something that earlier...’ she thought to herself. And with that had every right to feel disorienting it felt surpris- realisation, the storm was upon her. ingly right. And then, as if she had been there the Memories flooded into Jamie’s head with each whole time, she was back in the cabin. flash of lightning and crash of thunder. FLASH. This time the cabin was warm and comforting The monotony of Office life. CRASH. Robin’s and calm. There was not a hint of the chaos and Idea. FLASH. The Cruise. CRASH. The Island. destruction she had seen in between snippets of FLASH. A Holiday gone horribly wrong. uninteresting prattle. Slowly she arose from the Jamie stumbled back from the porthole bed opposite the porthole. She crossed the room, clutched her head in dismay, these weren’t her opened the glass circle, and gazed outside, feeling memories. Or, at least, she didn’t remember hav- the cool sea air play across her face. ing them... The ship lurched and Jamie fell to the Time passed. Jamie couldn’t tell exactly how ground. long, and in fact had no interest in knowing how She thought back to her Somnambulation Lec- long it was. That was the trick with somnambu- tures to try and remember what she was supposed lation: you had to walk the line between directing to do next. events in useful directions and allowing yourself She paused. to be receptive to direction and suggestion and “Somnambulation...” change. Being too direct was a great way to run The word seemed foreign in her mouth. afoul. At any rate that’s what Jamie thought, though it could have just been an excuse to enjoy “Somnambulation.” the breeze and live in the moment. Jamie tried to remember anything at all from The breeze was a bit cool, come to think of those Lectures, but all she had was a fuzzy rec- it. And the visible land looked drearily temperate. ollection of broken events. She definitely went to Maybe if the ship were moored offshore of some those lectures, didn’t she? delightful tropical island? That would be pleas- A voice broke Jamie from her thoughts:

65 “Jamie! Help me!” Sleepwaking — Extras It came from outside her cabin, and echoed against some inner recess of Jamie’s mind. A storm of tiny shards crashed against the Comments: all-too-thin porthole. A maze of cracks danced through the glass, tearing the last warmth from “This is clearly a prologue to an entire novel.” — the cabin. Glancing over her shoulder as the glass Olivia finally gave in, Jamie reached the cabin door and froze. “To misquote a certain song (One by Metallica: The hallway outside was half empty. There was a moment as Jamie’s brain caught up with what ‘I can’t remember anything she saw: the hall was half empty, and the other Can’t tell if this is truth of dream half was quickly filling with rushing water. Something huge cracked against the side of the Deep down inside I feel the scream ship. A wall of noise raged through the tiny space. A flare of light threw everything into sharp relief. Nothing is real but pain now’ ” The wrecked interior. The rushing water. Robin’s desperate, terrified form. — Samuel “Help me! Help me!” Robin crawled away from the weakened hull of the ship, toward the doorway Alternative Title Suggestions: where Jamie stood, unable to move. A sense of d´ej`avu, fleeting and then gone. Fi- “...dreamy!” nally, finally, Jamie started to move, making her way towards Robin, starting to run, willing her legs “Wake Island” to movement despite the fact they felt tangled and numb. “Dreamboat” There was then another CRASH, sudden, next “Under The Sea (Darling it’s better // Down to her head. Jamie could only watch, meeting where it’s wetter // Take it from me)” Robin’s desperate eyes, as the wall fell away next to them. And then the water engulfed them. It was dark, and too loud. Then too quiet. Jamie felt like she was adrift, sleeping in the ex- panse of water. That made sense didn’t it? Wake up. She needed to find Robin. She needed to start to do something Wake up There was a word, on the tip of her tongue. Re- membering it felt important somehow, in a way that her impending death by drowning did not. What was it? Some kind of odd science. Some kind of dream. Som...something. Somnam... get- ting there Somambulation. Of course. How could she for- get? Wake up

66 Harry and Xanth’s Totally Righteous Harry thought this was another of Xanth’s bo- Adventure gus sayings. ‘That’s bogus,’ he said, reaching to pull Xanth Samos, Alastair Haig, Sam Cocking, Olivia back onto the chariot, but Xanth was already run- Morley, Sparta, Mark Johnson ning towards the cave. Harry sighed not too disappointedly and ran af- he sea rose as the wave carried them both ter him. T up. They balanced on their boards with the ‘Troglodytes are more likely than treasure!’ he skills bought with long days of practice, until at shouted, ‘it’s, like, totally probaballistic!’ last the weightless moment came and they flew, Xanth span around and prepared to catch the just for a second, before they rode the surf down. boy running rapidly towards him. ‘Probabilistic as As they paddled back to the black sands of the a cave appearing out of nowhere?’ shore, Xanth turned and grinned at Harry. ‘Dude’, After much bickering, the boys decided that the he said, ‘that was righteous’. likelihood of wild treasures and troglodytic life- Every muscle in Harry’s body ached, but he was forms was roughly equal, and the cave was cer- as happy as he had been in months. ‘Totally’, he tainly NOT the direction in which their waiting replied ‘it was most righteous’. families lay. The dying sun on their backs, they struck for And lo! A troglodytic lifeform there was, as land, pausing to admire a hippocamp. Xanth one shambled from the yawning crevice towards claimed to have surfed on one of them, but Xanth the boys. was always saying bogus things, which was why he Its pale body was hunched forwards like some was flunking class. Out here though that didn’t sort of sick-gnasty land-dweller, and not the good matter and the boys could bicker to their heart’s kind of sick-nasty either. content. Out here they weren’t failing students Its hair was slicked back against its skull in the disappointing their families. Out here they were exact same totally un-gnarly way as the boys’ par- free. ents. The black sand was still hot as it stuck between Its beady eyes constantly darted between Xanth their toes. Xanth jumped on Harry’s back, be- and the opening behind its hunched body. fore Harry threw him off, but there was some- ‘Be..wwaaa...reee...’ its voice croaked, ‘Liiikee, thing half-hearted about it. They had already Turrrn Baa...ckk Brr...oooos,’ begun their transformation back into Xanthippus and Harmodius as they loaded their boards onto The being hissed grotesquely as the mid- the back of the chariot and started back to At- afternoon sunlight hit its skin, revealing its sick- lantis. Harry couldn’t help feeling that life was ening orange hue. Its hair afforded it little protec- most unrighteous. He had no idea how much tion, swept up as it was in a poorly constructed worse things were about to get. combover, and it tried to shield itself with its tiny hands. “WTF, WTH, OMG!” it cried in a lan- It began when Xanth stopped the horses and guage the boys did not recognise, at odds with pointed. ‘Dude, check it out’, he said. the common Atlantian it had spoken seconds ear- A great crack had appeared in the sheer cliff lier. Still, it seemed weakened by the light and in that had previously bordered the beach, revealing that moment the boys knew it would be no match a cavern beyond. for their righteousness. ‘Whoa,’ said Harmodius, swiftly becoming “Woahhhhh,” they sighed. Harry, who had had Harry again, ‘There could be some totally the good sense to grab their swords before running troglodytic lifeforms in there...’ from the chariot, passed one to Xanth. “You ready ‘Nah man,’ said his friend, stepping off to be triumphant dude?” Xanth smiled, a single the chariot, ‘I know how this works. It’ll have tear appearing on his face in appreciation of this some kind of treasure beyond our wildest dreams, most bodacious event, and the pair advanced on after, like a trial and stuff. the hideous monster.

67 Minutes later they were high-fiving above the soned out loud, as a wind rose from the depths of beast as it lay prone, wheezing painfully with what the cavern, despite being geologically improbable. must surely be a mortal wound. It snarled as it The wind sounded like a voice murmuring, Turn looked up at them, whispering “this is just the back... great horror awaits... save yourselves but beginning.” Coughing painfully, it returned to its it did not deter the adventurers. other, mysterious tongue. “Ugh, ICBI, pwned by And so, armed with their quest items, the enig- noobs. Total BS. Sad! L8R, bros... CUS! Cthulhu matic duo continued forth into the shadows. The fhtagn! Cthulhu fhtagn!” And it slowly faded into two boys kept their swords drawn as they crept nothingness. deeper into the cavern, unsure of what else may For a moment, Harry was troubled. “Do you stand between them and their treasure. Eventu- think we killed it, Xanth?” ally, the afternoon sun was left behind, and they “Of course, dude. You saw the wound, it must had to resort to fumbling along in utter, black be dead. It’s, like, totally probabilistic. And we... silence. we were totally proba-ballistic!” Suddenly, Harry cried out. He had tripped over They played a righteous air-lute solo, before something, and lay winded on the floor. It took proceeding into the cavern. Xanth an eternity to find Harry, and in the process Inside the cavern were surroundings exactly like Xanth touched something that felt suspiciously they hoped. Dark mossy plants and pools of water like human skin. promised a most awesome quest area. “You ok dude?” Xanth whispered, aware that in “Whoa, check this out dude”, Xanth called the silence his voice carried far too far for comfort. over, “I’ve, like, totally discovered a treasure “Fine.” grunted Harry. “Help me get up.” chest”. Xanth obliged, and guided Harry back to the The chest itself was not hidden, and not even light of the cave entrance, where he established locked, allowing the two bros to plunder it’s worth. that, aside from a bruise to the leg, Harry was Said worth being a handful of once-gold, now- fine. brown coins, a few aubergines and, “What do you have there?” asked Harry, nod- “It’s a skull” Harry exclaimed, looking at the ding at the object in Xanth’s hand. white object. “Think it’s what you tripped over.” replied “That’s bogus, it’s the wrong shape”, com- Xanth. “I thought it was human skin before, but mented Xanth. it doesn’t smell like real leather.” “It’s the right shape for a troglodyte thing, life- “Human skin? What makes you say that?” form, whatever.” There was a touch of alarm in Harry’s voice. “Didn’t I say there’d be treasure and stuff?” Xanth shrugged. “Y’know... Troglodytes are Harry considered Xanth’s wisdom. barbaric, probably killed each other for food then made clothes out of their skins.” “Yeah”, he concluded most magnanimously, “But, like, the coins I understand, the weird skull It was a pouch, but with a cover over the open- — it is a skull — is creepy but could be a quest ob- ing and two loops of leather attached on one side, ject. My question”, he posed, pointing at Xanth, hanging loose from top to bottom. Xanth pulled “Is why there are these purple things as well” the cover away and reached into the pouch. More of the browned coins were removed, along with “Cucumbers bro” interjected Xanth incorrectly, two objects that the boys did not immediately or- “Maybe they’re for, like, reviving health or some- ganised. The first was something that looked like thing.” parchment, but much thinner and smaller than a Harry realised that he was standing in a cavern scroll. There was some text written on it very full of potential treasure, so debating the existence neatly, in a more precise, standardised hand than of a few soggy vegetables was low on his list of any human could achieve. The decipherable parts priorities. read: “REPENT! Just as the city... sunk, you too “I bet there’s better treasure ahead”, he rea- shall drown... The Lord’s will is...” Over the top

68 of this was a scrawled message in thick black ink, that window. It prided itself on not drawling. which read “LOL @ conspiracy-theorists! Always “Look, dude, that’s, like, home, or whatever?” trust them to come up with total BS” Harry pointed through the third window on the Harry sniggered, “Look at this troglodyte tech- right. nology, so primitive. Their parchment is so weak “No, dude, that’s bogus. This one’s, like, a and cheap, and they can’t even make a finely totally awesome castle! I bet it’s there’s a right pointed quill.” righteous wizard in it!” The sign above the castle “Can you understand what it all means read “Vampire Nest,” but it didn’t want to stand though?” in the way of enthusiasm. “Nah, but it doesn’t matter. It’s not like idiots “Here, dude, this is the one. It’s, like, a beach. like them will know more than us anyway. What’s With, like, waves. You wanna go surfing, dude?” that other thing?” Xanth pushed him through the window. The second object was a grey metal cylinder about as long as one of the boy’s hands. One end *** was silver, and appeared to have a strange, glassy lump in the middle. On the side of the cylinder The sea rose as the wave carried them both up. there was a raised circle, which Xanth pressed. They balanced on their boards with the skills It made a soft click, and the boys gasped as the bought with long days of practice, until at last cavern was lit by the silver end of the cylinder. the weightless moment came and they flew, just “Righteous!” the boys whispered together, with for a second, before they rode the surf down. awe in their voices. Buoyed by the new quest items they had found, one of which meant they could explore the cavern in more detail, Harry and Xanth returned into the depths. “Whoah! These depths are so... shallow, dude!” Xanth exclaimed as he made way for Harry to drop the remaining foot or so into the deepest part of the cave. “We’re totally, like, still on the same level, bro!” Harry pushed past his partner, to find his own depths. “Maybe we need, like, more experience, or whatever?” “No, dude, look,” Xanth pointed, “There’s an- other tunnel. We must have missed, like, a check- point or something?” After a mad scramble to reach the tunnel first, Harry pulled hauled himself past Xanth to plant his hand victoriously on a sign reading “Warning: Danger of Defenestration!” The sign had to do the reading; neither of the boys bothered to. In- stead, they charged past it down the corridor. “Whoah!” drawled Harry, as he the corridor gave way to a huge chamber full of glittering win- dows into other worlds. “Whoah!” drawled Xanth, as he looked back to see the way they had just come was also now a window. “Troglodyte Cave” pronounced the sign above

69 Harry and Xanth’s Totally Righteous We Are Groot? Adventure — Extras Bryn Reinstadler, Elisabeth Colwill, Sam Cocking, Adam Jermyn, Rory Hennell-James, Samuel Cook Editor’s Notes:

he Intergalactic Peace Temple was, despite This was a slightly different kind of ‘unusual’ its name, a serious enterprise and definitely chain; it was written from beginning to end — T NOT a cult, despite the arcane jargon, veneration as per usual — but each author had a prompt of a supreme deified leader, strange rituals and to follow. silly uniform. It floated weightlessly and secretly in an interdimensional pocket at the geographical The list of prompts was: centre of the Universe and sent out its Peacemak- ers across the entirety of space to bring resolution to intractable conflicts everywhere. • Righteousness Given the distances involved, this obviously re- • Trogolodyte quired a fair bit of logistical planning or, not to put too fine a point on it, predicting the future. • Acronyms The Foreseers who did this were usually pretty re- liable, but things sometimes went wrong. Very oc- • Aubergines casionally, the Peacemakers sent across the mind- • Conspiracy Theorists bogglingly vast distances became the cause of the war they were supposed to be resolving. But that • Defenestrate was something that only happened once every few cycles, so the Temple generally felt its karmic bal- ance was in credit. Comments: Today, though, nothing was going to go wrong. Hieron was very certain of that. His two best “This is probably my favourite chain ever.” Peacemakers were due back from leave any minute now. In fact, that sounded rather like Nat-leth’s — Olivia booming steps approaching the office right now. And yep, that was Pazmac’s delicate knocking at “It is remarkably easy to guess half the prompts the door. Good thing too — last time Nat-leth as it’s just the random long word that turns up had knocked, they’d needed a new door. halfway through the story.” — Olivia “Come in!” said Hieron. The door opened and, as expected, Pazmac and Nat-leth shuffled in. It struck Hieron once again quite how much the de- scription “Little and Large” was applicable to the duo. That was probably why they worked so well together, come to think of it, he mused. “Good morning Peacemakers,” said Hieron as Nat-leth closed the office door behind itself and Pazmac, “I trust you both enjoyed your time on holiday.” “We did thank you,” answered Nat-leth, bend- ing to its knees as there was no chair large enough to hold it, “though I think we’re both ready to get back to work.” “Well, we certainly have plenty for you to do.

70 You’ll be posted to the western arm of Galaxy stood twenty metres ahead. No alarms sounded. 42F?. Not the most fashionable of deployments No guards rushed to challenge them. Still, the I’m afraid, but the Forseers predict a lot of pair waited and watched. Noreon had a touch of hotspots in the near future. There’ll be a full brief- magic, and while henchmen could be fooled and ing available once you’re on-station but I can give sensors redirected, magic was never so straight- you a pr´ecis:three planets who think mutually as- forward. After many long moments they began sured destruction is actually safe — one of which to creep forward, checking for curses at random is also wrecking its climate, two slavery-based em- intervals as per protocol. Shortly thereafter they pires fit for revolution and five planets irrevocably game upon the entrance. globally divided by such issues as building materi- Nat-leth and Pazmac proceeded cautiously als, how many hands to shake with and which end through the gateway, which led them into a cool of a boiled egg to crack. and shadowy building. While outside the breeze “None of those are particularly advanced rustling through the leaves had been a calming worlds, but there are a few currently cold civili- reminder of home, the passageway ahead was ag- sations that have made it to interstellar level.” gressively silent. The noise of every movement “What’s the rest of the galaxy like at the mo- was magnified, seeming to call them out as in- ment?” asked Pazmac. truders. A few shafts of light pierced from narrow “Fairly quiet,” replied Hieron, “the other five openings in the roof above, illuminating carvings arms are split between only two stations for now. etched into the timber walls. I’m sure you won’t need it but they’ll be on call if Timber. Nat-leth felt its bark crawl. you have particular trouble anywhere. Any other The carvings gave away the nature of their en- questions?” vironment, a Tarian palace, though they appeared “No sir.” to be much newer than the building itself. They “Well, as I said, there’ll be full briefings when spoke of the ever-lasting war with the Bolvanites, you arrive. All being well, I’ll see you in five cy- in typical jingoistic fashion of course. The pair cles.” only glanced vaguely at them as they pressed on- wards, they had seen this all before on countless ... other worlds in their work as intergalactic peace- The pair approached Noreon with the full might keepers. Never mind the nuances of whatever dis- of their order behind them. That is not to say they pute had sparked the conflict; these artists had arrived with a fleet of warships or an invading army only cared about the evil of the Bolvanites, the or anything so messy as that. Quite the opposite; heresy of their stonecharming, and a thousand they came with a single spacecraft, fast and quiet, other perceived slights. spacious for its two occupants but not in any way In truth, the current inhabitants of this planet imposing. They were too professional for anything could not have told Nat-leth or Pazmac how the else. war had begun. These secrets were lost to the Noreon had been their goal ever since the planet ages, along with the original architects of this saw its first large-scale battles. Predicting the fu- palace. Nat-leth and Pazmac knew of course, it ture is a tricky business, so usually the best they had all been in their briefing. Perhaps when they could do was arrive as soon as they saw hard ra- found the Tarians they would tell them the truth, diation or mana-depleted matter emanating from that centuries of slaughter were all due to an ar- a planet. Intelligence-gathering through- gument over an especially appetising leek. out the galaxy prepared a briefing while they were Then the corridor lurched. The pair raced for- en route, and by the time they arrived they had wards. They were close now, heading for the inner a better picture of the war than the locals them- sanctum. As they approached, the timber pan- selves. elling gave way around them and crashed inwards. Silently, Nat-leth and Pazmac appeared on the It revealed the horrifying truth of the palace, one multiply-moon-lit surface, their stealth-teleport that today’s Tarians could not have known. It was further masked by a gentle wind. Their target made of bricks.

71 They had come too late. In the centre of panion’s side, her tongue hanging out one side of the Great Hall, a Bolvanite stonecharmer stood her mouth and bouncing in time with her hopping wreathed in dust, calling the bricks to smite their stride. enemies. The Tarians had never stood a chance, “Calamity thirty-two zealous anchormen.” but the stained masonry continued to rise and Nat-leth nodded. “Fatuously.” fall with sickening thuds. Nat-leth’s finger-twigs Pazmac shook her head twice, vigorously. twitched in disgust, and it reached down to feel Pazmac’s reassuring warmth. “Kzomblop pferoli-” Nothing. One more vigorous shake. There was a brief gleam of silver as Pazmac “Sorry, wrong setting,” said Pazmac, slobber- slipped between the lethal masses of stonework. ing a bit on the once-unstained marble floors of Nat-leth reached out in horror, but she disap- the Great Hall. Now, however, the slobber would peared into the dust. hardly be noticed among the puddles of Tarian blood. Nat-leth knelt down clumsily, its tree-like Nat-leth knew it could never match that limbs creaking as it descended. Even knelt down, minnow-quickness, but began to shift its ponder- it was still easily 3 times the height of Pazmac. ous bulk forwards regardless. A jagged splinter of stone glanced off its upper limb, but it pressed on, “There’s an important question I’ve been want- trying desperately not to think of the brutal im- ing to ask you, Pazmac,” said Nat-leth soberly. pact such a blow would have on Pazmac’s delicate “Yes?” panted Pazmac. A creature stirred be- exoskeleton. hind them but neither heard... Through the uproar, it thought it heard voices. “Would you like to be my conjunctive sym- Then a laugh, cold and hard as flint, pierced the biont?” din. “I don’t think so,” said a voice to go with “Yes!” said Pazmac, and bounded into Nat- the laugh, a voice like the wind over bare rockface. leth’s large leafy arms. “There will be an ending here.” A cry was heard from behind them, and Nat- Blades of sunlight lanced suddenly through leth turned in time to see one last Tarian warrior cracks high above. Nat-leth realised with horror hurtling at them both, waving his scythe. that the stonecharmer was unscrewing the dome “Now you see,” said Nat-leth matter-of-factly, of the roof. When that came down, Nat-leth “We don’t have time for this nonsense. You’ve knew, the entire palace complex would fall into clearly lost. We have to get on to the next world the sewers below. And good riddance, it might that needs help resolving a long-standing conflict. have said, if only itself and Pazmac weren’t stuck Go on, shoo.” here too. The warrior stopped his mad rush and looked And then, silver in sunlight, Pazmac bounded around himself. Upon seeing that the rest of out of the dust. Still alive, but slick with blood — his horde had, in fact, been defeated, his scythe hers or the Tarians’, Nat-leth couldn’t say — she dropped half-heartedly to the floor. barrelled into the stonecharmer, knocking them Nat-leth-pazmac smiled to itself. “Go on, flying. there’s plenty to do out in the world now that the A chunk of priceless mosaic crashed down. It War is over. Use that scythe for farming, maybe!” did not rise again. Nat-leth-pazmac slobbered a bit on the floor as it The ground shuddered and heaved underroot, spoke. then was still. After a few ominous groans, the Well, that’ll take some getting used to. building seemed to find a new equilibrium. In the silence, a voice said, “Mortician parade spectacu- lar.” Nat-leth thought its heartwood might burst. After the quaking and shaking, a bit of quiet was welcome. Pazmac bounded over to her com-

72 We Are Groot? — Extras The City of Ys

Samos Editor’s Note: Investigation into the report of the Prester System This was the final ‘unusual’ chain of the year; it logged by Captain Zhu (2195) was begun at the end and finished at the start. These backwards chains are becoming some- he dangers of isolated space travel have long thing of a tradition, and they always seem to T been apparent. No more compelling testi- turn out rather well. mony can be found than the report sent by Cap- tain Zhu Jingwu upon his arrival in the Prester Comments: System in 2191, following a fifty-year voyage in suspended animation. is of “I enjoyed how this makes even less sense than a course by its very nature an isolated venture, with standard chain.” — Samuel the crew of any vessel kept apart from human and media contact even for the final week before they Alternative Title Suggestions: depart the planet as they make their last arrange- ments. Even by these standards, Zhu’s journey was a solitary one. The systems of his “Peace Out” entire crew failed on the journey out, leaving Zhu as the sole survivor of the Xiafan Guanjun mission. “Tarsier and Birch” (winner of the Most Contrived This meant that humanity’s first encounter with Starsky and Hutch Pun every year for the next an alien civilisation was conducted by one man, millennium) entirely alone. As his report indicates, this was “Make Love Not War” not kind to his state of mind. How then should I explain this alien world? It is so outside the experience of any human being than myself that any words I might choose will not only be inadequate, but actively misleading. Even the order of relation would serve to distort, for by placing one thing before another I would create priority that does not exist, forcing the reader to comprehend the second item with the first ring- ing in their ears, forever casting its shadow on its progeny, or dancing among them, the father of men and gods. I could say that the city of Ys is 1500 miles wide, and that would mean nothing to you. But if I tell you the city is a perfect square, does that suggest meaning? What if I were to repeat to you what a broken hearted woman on the far corner of the distract of Melqart, her eyes black with pain and rage, told me, that the limits of the city were delineated by thin strips of cowhide? And if I men- tioned that as she told me this she was washing her clothes in the river they call the Buenaven- tura? Or that the taste of her lips was fading on mine?

73 I did not need to ask her of the layout of Ys, puted, with interpretations ranging from deliber- for any of its proud people could tell me it is a ate ‘trolling’ to complete fantasy born of lonely perfect grid. What they could not tell me was of insanity. The reference to Marco Polo is of course The Street Called Straight, for every person must natural given the circumstances, but scholars ar- walk it alone in ignorance. Although it appears gue as to why Zhu should choose to quote Othello to be without bend or twist, every trip down The (Act 1, Scene 3), rather than the more obviously Street Called Straight takes one to a new place, apropos The Tempest. never seen before but fundamentally familiar. It The odd voices that have queried this assess- is the route of innocence, taken only by the jaded ment have generally focussed their concerns on and the lost. the more obscure texts cited in the report. That If I could, I would talk of the citizen, for every a former fighter pilot from the PLAAF with no city is the image of its inhabitants writ large, and literary or historical education beyond high school in the part can be perceived the entirety of the should be familiar with such a wide range of ref- whole. But though I wandered the streets by day erences is striking. More unusual still is the heavy carrying my lamp, I could not find one, but only use of entirely Western material by a man born people in infinite variety. and raised in Taishan. The absence of obviously The city of Ys rests in the midst of an enormous applicable Chinese texts such as Journey to the sea. The cynocephali take the colymphas to the West or the writings of Han Yu is surely remark- lands beyond, known as Manzi, which are poorly able. Even supposing Zhu to have been a Eu- appointed, consisting of rough quarries, rocks and rophile, the sly echo of Aethicus Ister betrays a hills whose heads touch heaven. There they bring familiarity with a work poorly known even in aca- their giant ants, with which they dig for gold, ever demic circles. These worries have been dismissed conscious of the camels who would steal their un- as elitist snobbery, base orientalism or treason to earthed treasure. The stone is gouged and burned the CPC according to taste. by the acid bite of the savage bestiolae. More troubling to this author is the point raised in private conversation by Professor Calvino. The The report ends here. Whether this was Zhu’s rediscovery of Homer’s Margites after having been intention or he was interrupted is unknown. At lost for more than two thousand years was a mat- time of writing no further communication has ter of great astonishment. No hint at its continued been received from him and his status is unknown. existence had surfaced before the manuscript was Zhu’s report is a cultural Rorschach test. It located in a cave in the Ethiopian xeric grasslands. is always revealing to discover which allusion the The return of part of humanity’s most ancient his- new student notices first. Most commonly it is tory just as the Xiafan Guanjun mission was about the Biblical references, the Street Called Straight to bring in a new era has been described as prov- (Acts 9:11) or the square city 1500 miles wide idential in retrospect. Calm reflection of the im- (Revelation 21:16). Others of a more Classical plications of this timing suggests other, more dis- bent note the echoes of the story of Dido and the quieting, problems. Given that the captain and founding of Carthage, or recognise the quotation his crew were placed in complete isolation from from the formerly lost epic of Homer, the Mar- the world a week before launch, how then was it gites, rediscovered coincidentally three days before possible for Zhu to quote a text rediscovered three the Xiafan Guanjun mission left Earth. days before he left the Earth forever? Always there is the excitement in the student’s eyes as they encounter a message from an utterly alien world. First it is followed by confusion, and then by disappointment as they realise there is nothing new here, no new insight. That the report is a florilegium of references is generally agreed. That is about all that unites most commentators. Zhu’s motivations are dis-

74 Cave Dwellers their sibilant voices slithering through the caverns so that the ground itself wheezes. They have no names as Romans do. Such would Samos be an impertinence in these holiest of depths, per- mitting an impermanence unseemly in this eternal The Atlas tribe have fallen below the level of hu- dark, an unwarranted concession to discretion un- man civilization, if we can believe what is said. suited to the all-forgiving gloom. Pliny the Elder, Natural History V.45 I found them and lost myself gratefully. There was no one to care about my nature. Here among fter the war, like so many others, I sought the lurkers in the dark I could be no more. I never A escape in the mountains. Where Atlas let slip my perfect grasp of my mother tongue, laboured, I would be free. I do not recall when those words from far away, perfectly schooled into I first read Pliny’s account of the cave dwellers elegant patterns that my thoughts and others who abide there, but his words troubled me as might follow. I sought to forget my name, which a child, seeming to suggest holes in the world, a made me heir and accomplice to a thousand years high buzzing noise on the wind, only just ignor- past. able. But as the world collapsed, I ceased to be The king of the barbarians has fled to the moun- unsettled. Rather as the news of each unthinkable tains. Here he roams, playing his lyre for a loaf of disaster reached my ears, from the mouth of the bread, for a sponge, for a moment’s comfort. His increasingly tired bishop, from the growing brag- music accompanies the orgies of the Garamantes, gadocio of scared soldiers, from the quiet children the foot-races of the Himantopedes and the skir- who unaccountably appeared from nowhere and mishes of the Blemmyes. It echoes on the peaks then vanished all too soon, so Pliny’s words in- and sounds in the valleys. At times, I hear it in creasingly meant comfort. my refuge. No matter how I try to stopper my Pliny was from a better age. He died in fire and ears, continually it lays siege to my defences, until smoke knowing himself a true Roman, rational in the unearthly sound drowns the susurrations of my all things and bound by duty. I have been many companions and I scream invective at the man. things over my short life, their number and varia- In a past life I believe I liked him. A barbarian, tion increasing over the time. By the end of it I he played the lyre well. A savage, we pondered would wake a Roman and go to bed as a barbar- Pliny together. A brute, he paid careful attention ian, having been Christian and male and heretic to the law. A glutton, he ate little and sparingly. and female as the sun ran its course. A wanton, he was ever loyal to his queen. In my In the caves the sun’s passing has no meaning. present life, he is my nemesis. I found them of course. Pliny’s age may not It began with names. From the first I was be- have long outlasted him but his peoples remain. I friended by a number of the cave dwellers. While plunged into their caves heedless and reckless, ig- initially I could not distinguish between them in noring the aid of the lewd Garamantes, eating only the darkness, soon little details began to emerge. briefly with the Blemmyes and avoiding entirely The one who guided me through the hidden pas- the shy Gamasphantes. Pliny was my guide and sages had a limp. This one, who taught me how my light, my rope in the darkness. And eventu- to catch and prepare snakes, was shorter than the ally I found them, deep within the coils of Mother others. That one, who was always the first to Earth. enter any cavern, had a permanent smile. These They have no dreams as Romans do. While started as fluid descriptions, subject to change. I burst awake, clammy skinned and pale among When I met a new cave dweller, shorter than my those who have never seen sunlight, my heart friend the snake-catcher, they became the one my pounding to a rhythm from a different time, they memory recalled as the shortest. look at me in wonder. But slowly I realised that unwittingly they had They have no language as Romans do. Rather become fixed in my mind. Even as the limper re- they hiss like the serpents upon which we feast, covered from their injury and walked steadily, they

75 remained the limper to me, unchangeably distin- Pecan Patch guished from their fellows. I, who had fled to the caves to escape such ordering, found myself be- Connor Willmington-Holmes come the new Adam, creating a realm defined by me. I was corrupting these cave dwellers who had fled from Creation. If I were a better person I y all accounts I shouldn’t have been there would have left then and there. ‘B so early, my flatbed broke down two weeks back and I was fixin to walk a few miles to the Worse was to follow. The cave dwellers and I bus station. One comes ever fifteen minutes so I were woken from our slumber by the noises raised reckoned I’d be at the house just gone lunchtime. by the smiler. The smiler writhed in their sleep, Would have been far from ideal, gettin all dust hissing urgently. Alone among the baffled cave over my shoes before the ceremony. Wallis come dwellers, I recognised what we were seeing, hav- up past in that hardtop he’s had since ’53, lost ing suffered similar afflictions many times. The as anything, damn near crashed the thing for lack smiler was having a dream, a nightmare to be pre- of proper braking. I think he must’ve come off cise, such as we are told presages disaster. Their the main road from Mitcham county maybe fif- frantic, terrified soul was telling them stories of an- teen miles too soon to have come down this way. other world. As I looked at the frenzied smiler, and Anyhow he offered me a lift and spared my shoes then at the grief-stricken others, I saw the traces the mess, plus he spared my feet from the walking of my own defiling rending the cave dwellers. for which I well was grateful. Now I depart the cave dwellers, the bravest hu- ‘Supposin now I shouldn’t never have seen the mans I have ever known. I return to wander lost guy, which maybe is one reason it unsettles me. in the light, in the full loneliness under cold stars, We was all sat around in the living room at the lest my infection destroy this precious sanctuary front of the house with an official looking pair on forever. I pick up my much neglected lyre, check- the porch mumbling about how they was gonna ing the strings carefully, with which I hope to win get the Buick around the corner of the church my supper among the peoples of the high Atlas. without tearing the fence outa the ground. In the front room he was just settin there without making much of anything outa his being there. Everone else was making the kinda polite talk any- one makes. I was talkin with Ms Simmons about a new microwave oven she’d recently taken to using for rewarming up meals if they was any leftovers enough to make for a full plate. The Simmons’ cook makes fine dishes up, she said, but takes off a long weekend ever month to visit folks in Pen- sacola county. Ms Simmons was saying bout how busy she got with paperwork from the court some- time and couldn’t much spare time for cooking. ‘When he said it at first much didn’t cross my mind to take concern or nothin. It just kinda hung in the air, not unusual in the whole scene we was constituting. Maybe there’s another reason it’s playin with me. He didn’t do a thing more wrong than what was we all feelin at the time, on occa- sions like that. I recall by the word, if I may boast “I’ll just be around the sideway, Clarence isn’t feel- ing all too well and a walk would do good by me too.” Everone just acknowledged that he’d gotten up from the chair and trapsed outa the room with-

76 out much attention for the words or what maybe time, not strange in the least. After the ceremony he was fixin to do. Big families like that, ain’t any- though I was one of the first out having been sat body knows all the folks comin through that house so close to the back the whole time. I never knew so you just mind by your own business and let the couple that well but I had to wait up for Ms others mind by theirs. He was probably a brother- Simmons who did. She seemed shaky at best be- in-law of someone’s aunt’s step-daughter or some- fore so I thought it might well be some relief to thing or other: the parish allowed remarriage since keep up talking about that oven, or filing systems I the war, which was a might unusual, as most the think we’d gotten up to before goin indoors. Any- county regiment didn’t come back. Not all sob- how stood just outside the door I watched near stories neither, some of ’em liked it over there and everyone come out two by two. They’s only one tried to convince they families to join. Those that other exit at the back and the priest ain’t never could generally did, but they weren’t too many let a soul through those doors wasn’t himself or that could.’ the other clergyfolks. I never saw him come outa ‘I see you take great pride in recalling this here the service. Didn’t pay attention for him mind, so tale Doctor, now they wouldn’t be no embellish- could’ve walked past me but I doubt it. I didn’t re- ments nor exaggerations at work perhaps? Little alise it until later but I remember faces well enough bells and ribbons tied on for making it nicer to to know I never seen him walk outa church that tell maybe? I’d appreciate if you just stuck to the day. facts of what you was seeing that day.’ The re- ‘We all filled in for the committal. It’s a small porter reclined slightly in her stance, in her mind plot up there on the plain so crowded out a little. to imply a relaxed air to the interview. A counter Wind gets up some there so it stays dry unless measure to the hidden accusation of falsity she’d cared for mighty well, and it ain’t. That’s the just made. second time I seen him. This time just in white ‘Now young lady I’ll not make it much clearer shirtsleeves which was reasonable attire I suppose. than this: I’ve been rememberin that day and the His shoes looked clean as his face had earlier which few that followed for the better part of twenty was just strange as anything cause I swore I coulda years and if I am not mistaken ain’t not one de- made out a few weeks stubble this time ’round. tail changed in how I tell it now since The Herald Not even stubble no more, just a short beard but published on it the month followin.’ The Doctor’s not cut neat or nothin. Could well have been the posture tightened to a riposte. This story had not light too which is what I thought to myself at the changed, that much was true. It was much of time. Plus he said he’d gone out for a walk but a wonder why interviewers still travelled here, to there’s no way to get prairie dust off patents with- each make practically carbon copy identical notes out a good lick’n shine. Maybe he just didn’t take of the same interview. A few books had mentioned the walk but that made less sense still. When he the events but those that bore inconsistent to this stood up to mention it before it wasn’t to nobody. rehearsed version found threat of legal action in He just had to say it, let it out and say it to him- little time. self aloud is what it looked like. That kind of a ‘So where I was at then, so yes, the parish person ain’t likely to change they mind about a allowed divorce and remarriage in some circum- walk.’ stances since ’49 I think it was. As a partly result I ‘I’d paid little attention to his clothing back at wasn’t none sure this gentleman wasn’t part of the the house, so maybe he was in shirtsleeves all day family, nor that he was neither. Transpired later but it didn’t seem like he can have done. In that that he wasn’t, but ’course none of us knowed heat a collar wilts in not long at all and it was that at time and we wasn’t fixin to inquire, not gone three when I saw him again, all sharp collar given the circumstances. He gets himself up from and pressed trowsers with his shined patents.’ the chair and walked out the backway from the ‘That night I didn’t sleep all too well, so I got house, headin left outa the backdoor as I saw him, up sometime around two when the lights were all towards the sideway and towards Clarence presum- out, lit a candle and set there reading some Mark. ably. Like I said didn’t at all pay it no mind at the When I was done I didn’t take the candle out all

77 straight away just set there a little longer looking couldn’t get for no good reason why I shouldn’t around. I got up from bed and wandered over wanna take a walk. Maybe it’s not one of the to the mirror hopin I’d find some comfort in that greatest ideas I ever had to stroll around in the but it didn’t help much. Looking through it at prairie with nightclothes and riding boots on but the room behind me I started to get the strangest anyhow I’d done it and there weren’t no reason to feeling that it was all flattening out into a painting complain after the fact. It was a might hot and on the glass, no depth. I strafed a little to try and in all the stress of bein hollered at I passed out at find some parallax but nothin much happened at the kitchen table goin’ for a glass of water. When all. I blamed it on the light at the time but now I got up I got the feelin’ I’d been sleepin sound for I don’t much know if I can. I glanced ’round at maybe three days or maybe four. Not sure how to the room and it looked like the same little box it say exactly, but you know sometimes you get up always had, not shorter by eye. Comin back to the in the night and guess what time it is down to the mirror it seemed like all the depth had come back quarthour exact? It was somethin like that and I so I looked up closer at the glass, kinda curious just knowed I’d been out cold for a much longer as you might get. I ain’t never said and I won’t time than I oughta. start sayin now that I saw somethin in that glass ‘When I came downstairs in dayclothes at that wasn’t there but what I didn’t see confused maybe ten they wasn’t no one around but ma me all over. I looked up closer to the glass and called me through to the porch where she was it all flattened out again but this time it was like set. Told me I’d walked off for three days and the image weren’t up on the surface of the mirror. just gotten to sleep a few hours ago when I said They was a gap where it looked set back from I’d slept a week I reckoned by feelin. I said that the glass. I didn’t see no devil or lights in the didn’t make no sense and I hold that to this very gap, I just didn’t see nothin’ at all. No black, no day. I walked around the patch out back where we darkness, just nothin’ at all. My eyes moved over grow some pecans and such which ain’t more than from the frame to the reflection, set back from a mile all ’round and came straight back. Course I the surface, and I knowed there must’ve been a reckoned then I’d slept funny from passin out and gap but I couldn’t stop my eyes on that gap, they had only been out a few hours but when ever bank just jumped right over to the reflection all flat as in the town insisted it was Thursday I couldn’t be- it was. Didn’t scare me none I just stood there lieve nothin about it. Didn’t make no sense and confused as cattle at sea so I went straight back doesn’t now that I’d slept three days, and I cer- to bed and blew out the candle.’ tainly hadn’t walked around the pecans for three ‘Next morning when I got up first thing I did days neither. ’fore even checking my clock was look at the - ror and everthing was all squared up like it should. Everthing made perfect sense and the geometry was all lined up fine no quarrel. Then all a sudden I sat back down and remembered this gent I’d seen at the house, sayin how he was gonna go out for a walk which was when the weirdest of all this stuff really kicked off. I was still in night clothes but I went right downstairs hair messy and all. Next thing I was outside the backdoor with ma’s riding boots on but not tied up none and had decided full well a walk was gonna be the very best thing I might do, before breakfast even. Felt only twenty minutes I was out but when I come back everone at home was hollerin at me for walking off with no good reason. Fair enough it was hot an’ all and I’d not taken a hat or nothin with me but I

78 Riddle of the Spheres want your share of those gems.” I unrolled a length of cable from my back and Sarah Binney fastened it to the pulley, trying to ignore the depths that await. Warren went first. I watched he entrance wasn’t large, when we got to it; as her helmet disappeared, swallowed by the black, T just a hole in the ground, really, just stale and tried to concentrate on the pulley — dammit, earth which gave way to darkness stretching down man, steady as she comes. Eventually I felt the before you. We all looked down into it for as long cable slack, announcing Warren’s arrival on the as we could stand. I wouldn’t have believed the bottom, and then we all started to make our way fear such darkness could command, before. down one by one. “Oh my.” Jason the xenoarchaeologist kicked a My arms were trembling something horrible by pebble into the hole and listened for it hitting the the time I felt solid ground under my feet, the ground, but it was many seconds before the final. air cold and hardly any light to see with. Then I “This is it, then — the gate?” heard Gibby — the woman Warren had hired in Professor Warren nodded and motioned for us the base to guide our way, brave as a bulldog and to reload our packs: “We leave nothing behind.” addicted to dangerous situations — crack open a She was our expedition leader, a fact gleefully em- lightstick and suddenly everything was awash in blazoned on her shirt in case any of us forgot which crimson. The light illuminated her frizzy hair in member was which. “I want no other parties to an eerie halo, like a bloody crown. find this gate before we’re done, and everything We all withdrew our own lightsticks from our we’re carrying is precious. Get it secured if you bags and soon I could see the cavern around us; it

79 gave me a deep sense of unease when I got the im- keyhole, double quick. My unease at the darkness pression it had been grown rather than built. The was beginning to retreat at the promise of glory, crystalline walls undulated gently; cast in pink, the something shared by Warren and Gibby both. We whole thing looked like the inside of an enormous were almost at the place we’d spent the last three intestine — I was very glad we still had the cable years trying to get to. I am not a naturally ad- to get out with. venturous person, but the Riddle of the Spheres A sudden noise made all of us spin around — it captivated a generation, and in the hearts of a sounded like a pack of wild dogs, baying for blood. hundred of my peers was the desire the hoard to Imogene, our archivist, screamed, but Warren just steal. Though we weren’t the first to try, maybe smiled; she was built with the stuff they make this was the one: the expedition that might make mine drills of. “No need to be frightened of those. it to the core, and... They’re the automata the last expedition left to A yell jerked me from my reverie and I spun warn wanderers finding the gate, before disaster around to see Jason nursing a deep cut in his hand struck.” We all knew the story, and had no in- that would take some time to heal. He must have tention of similarly falling down. Not before we tripped some sort of booby trap, because there had what we came for, at least — not before we was a vicious blade made of some grim metal re- left with so much treasure we’d need dozens of treating into the wall, and he swore: “The — !” chests to get it home with. “Everything will turn “Don’t complain if you’re not sick.” Warren out rosy.” was, as ever, concentrating on what came next. I Imogene collected herself and withdrew one of pulled a bandage from my pack and bound Jason’s the many maps she’d clutched to her bosom. She hand, and noticed he had indeed revealed some looked pale as she said with forced confidence, sort of keyhole; it was tucked away in the crevice “Like a day at the fair.” She unrolled the map, from which the blade comes. Gingerly Gibby in- studied it for a moment, then pointed to one of the serted the key, and we heard a click followed by several indistinguishable tunnels the cavern walls a sound like the snoring of a giant. Unseen ma- were made of. “We want that one, I think, in the chinery whirred and for a moment I imagined the eastern rock face.” whole tunnel collapsing; Jason’s hand proved this I was uneasy, and I could see from Jason and side of the gate could be a killer. But if we sur- Gibby’s faces that they were too, but before War- vived it, I would live like a king. ren’s iron gaze we had no choice but to surrender. With a gut-wrenching rumble a concealed panel One tunnel was just as likely to kill us as another, in the wall rolled away to reveal a chamber on the all in all. Hoisting our packs, we started walking other side, great and mighty. The floor was not in. flat, but rose steadily to an apex in the centre of For some time we walked down the passage — the room, like some great sphere was set into the it could’ve been five minutes or an hour, in the floor, and — timeless red space — but eventually Gibby gave “Nincompoop philandering! Gratuitous a start and beckoned Warren over to her. While serendipity yttrium megalithic clad!” they conferred I gave Imogene a quick embrace. It was Imogene; she was trembling, clearly try- She looked at me gratefully but her momentary ing to keep another outburst in. She looked relief was gone fast. like she’d been electrocuted; her hair was wafting “We are facing one of the secret passages that around her head in a cloud. In horror I realised Gideon spoke of.” Warren looked excited, though there was something sticking out of her chest — I couldn’t see any difference between this and the she did not have long before she went to meet her rest of the passage, save maybe a slight chill under maker. I ran to catch her and saw the spear was foot. “Somewhere around here there should be a notched, like a fishhook, and made from the same keyhole of some sort, and...” strange black metal that Jason’s blade was made “We can open it with the key,” finished Gibby, of. Imogene pressed the map into my hands as holding the relic up in her fingers. We all started she grew weaker, and as she died tears streamed combing the walls for anything that looked like a down her cheeks like rain.

80 Gibby made her way around me in cautious gulfed. This will have been for nothing, Imogene’s sidesteps. Warren just watched coldly, in a re- death and all.” That hurt, but I had to show what minder that this was we’d signed up for, and it I was made of. was Imogene’s fault for being run through. Jason The basin in the centre of the room was en- held my hand in his. The cave suddenly felt very trancing, the light dancing on the surface of the cold. water like the... Warren interrupted our grief by saying, “The Without remembering walking up the sphere I rest of us are in danger the longer we spend in realised I was standing right over it, as if surveying this domain. We must reach the —” the tiny ocean from very far above the land. I “The trove, the core, the realm most mystic. couldn’t resist dipping my fingers in and touching Yeah, yeah, I read the NDA; even in the event of them to my lips, to... fatal disaster, my pledge holds.” Jason looked at “The way to enter!” Jason’s shout sounded me in fear as I stood, pulling my hand from his. “I very far away, as though I was on the other side of just want to know why you, who claimed to have a thick wall and his voice was only just reaching done so much research into this place, let us enter through. “There’s a keyhole, set into this statue, without so much as a weapon. Preferably three.” and — ” Warren studiously ignored me, saying to Gibby, “That must be the way to the treasure!” “This chamber means we are not far. And if the Excitement entered into Warren’s tone at the scrolls were accurate, the trove is somewhere be- thought of the take. Tearing my attention from neath.” the water (for water it was, cool and clean; I could I pulled myself together and strode through the taste nothing abnormal about it), I saw her in- gateway that had opened to see the immense sert the key-relic into the hole without so much chamber beyond the — as a thought for what the consequences might be. Despite myself I gasped at the sight of the It was the wrong choice; of this I was suddenly great statues that stood solemnly in the walls, aware. But Warren didn’t know that. As she carved from some alien stone which shone in many turned the key I had no time to yell a warning, colours, gold and viridian and azure. There were and I could sense something approaching in three, seven in total, looking down at us in a circle, or two, one... rather down towards the centre of the room where Warren turned just at the last second and I saw a plain stone basin was filled with a clear liquid like in her eyes that she realised her mistake. Anger a miniature sea. and terror crossed on her face, and confusion, that “The Propylaeum,” exclaimed Gibby, “at last!” she had been unable to complete her will. Then We all knew what the Propylaeum is. The final she was gone, blown away in a gale of fire that chamber before the core, but the Riddle of the issued from above her where the statue was cast. Spheres stood before us and it; and a wrong step Jason, Gibby and I looked at each other in hor- would kill us, Imogene had taught us that. ror, waiting for someone else to make a move: I took in the chamber, from the statues around After you. The very real fact of our deaths was us to the sphere we were standing on. Gibby had beginning to dawn on us, that there was more already withdrawn her sketchbook and was ur- where that fire came from. And Warren had al- gently drawing the statues, with annotations as ways been the most confident of us, the one to to which was which. Warren beckoned to me: tell us Do that, do this. In the end, she had been “You may have failed your duty to Imogene as only mortal. expedition doctor, but we still need you.” I wanted to lie down on the floor and die in a I bristled, unwilling to let that remark stand. “If coil. my art couldn’t save her, then whose?” But... Warren ignored me and thumbed the nearest “We have to choose.” Gibby’s voice held sphere. “This hall is dangerous; more so than the steady; at least she was pretending to be all right. others, and if we are not careful we may be en- “Leave, or try for the chamber, maybe, and...”

81 She trailed off but we all knew where she had been The Grand Pigeon Massacre going to. Jason said, “I vote leave, I don’t care about you. I don’t want this treasure any more than the — ” Olivia Morley Gibby spoke over him: “I vote we stay — to the last woman standing the spoils.” An attempt to set right a past mistake Some strange feeling was coming over me, a ehind the door stood something magical, sort of d´ej`avu, like whatever I chose would have something beautiful, and, dare it be said, the same effect, that we had no choice in the — B something holy. Glistening with all the radiance “We have to continue, if we have the key.” My of a thousand positive metaphors and sat neatly own voice surprised me but I kept going: “I want in a throne made of the finest silver sat a rather to leave as much as you. But we have to solve the large pigeon. Indeed it should be noted that the Riddle, because I have a feeling the Propylaeum pigeon was not large in comparison to other an- won’t let us until we have.” imals, he was no bigger than the size a football, “But what can we do except try the keyhole but he was rather large for a pigeon. that Warren tried already?” Jason’s voice caught. No sooner had Aliette been cutefused by this “I don’t want to die in the —” frankly alarming sight, a large spike dropped from “There are seven keyholes.” Gibby’s voice was the ceiling, killing the bird in an overly dramatic quiet: “I should have seen that. Each statue has fashion. Reeling from the sight of bloody feath- its own, and we have to choose which.” ers and needless gore, Aliette thought she heard I saw then that fate, or something deeper, had someone say, “That’s one down then” and then decided my path rather than I. We were at the the mysterious voice was gone. end of our quest, and the answer to the Riddle of Across time and space, the Master of Pigeons the Spheres was there at the ends with us, deep was enjoying his life consulting the astrologer for beneath the earth in this place long forgot. the King when a young woman dropped into ex- istence in front of him. The shock of such an un- physical and unforetold action caused a massive cardiac arrest and he died on the spot. A victim of having the wrong name. The woman then disappeared as quickly as she had arrived. This alarming scene continued throughout the convoluted medium of fiction. The loss of the Earth’s magnetic core led to the pigeons of Trafal- gar square crashing into buildings, cars and each other in a valiant attempt to bring drama into a scene with as little scientific knowledge of magne- toreception as possible. Messenger pigeons were found dead in their nests, entire films were ended after the main char- acters were killed in five minutes of psychotic ac- tion instead of the fun family comedy the audi- ences were expecting. A few human lives were saved from rampaging swarms of killer birds, yet was this worth the price? Most grievously affected, St PigeonNations lost everybirdie all but one of its students to this woman’s rampage. This one survivor knelt over

82 the now dead form of the pigeon she had been Guardians of the Galaxy: Vol- trying to date — the reasons for which should ume 2. A Review not be speculated- and cried out to the empty air; “What the hell is her problem?” or Goldfinger’s Spawn vs Battle Smurf vs The Universe’s Worst Dad vs The Dirty Dozen IN SPACE or The Most Dysfunctional Family in the Galaxy Competition

Samuel Cook

Before this review goes anywhere, I should warn you that there are many spoilers ahead. Don’t read on if you haven’t seen the film and don’t want to find out what happens.

o begin: my overall thoughts on the film. T I enjoyed it. Immensely. 10/10, would see again. It was great fun, rather amusing and looked good. The soundtrack was, as ever, very retro14 and well-pitched. If you enjoyed the first film, you’ll enjoy the sequel; if you didn’t, you won’t. It certainly avoided the all-too-common failing of se- quels: that of being disappointing when compared to the first film. The film opens a few months af- ter the first one finished: the Guardians are doing a bit of work for the Sovereign15, protecting some nifty batteries from an interdimensional monster or some such, as you do. After defeating the mon- ster, steals some of the batteries, meaning the Sovereign start pursuing our heroes. Through a complicated series of events, this means they meet Peter’s Dad16; Nebula17 and Yondu, our two favourite blue-skinned walking tanks, get dragged in; the Sovereign get really pissed off and out- fought at every turn and, like in V, God 14That is, very 80s. 15A polity of gold-skinned, genetically-engineered hu- manoids. If you imagine that scene in Goldfinger where Jill Masters is painted gold, they pretty much all look like that. And take arrogance to a new level. 16Ego, who turns out to be pretty much a god and who is also a living planet. 17Battle Smurf. Who is trying to a) kill Gamora and b) kill their father.

83 gets shot in the face18; all with the assistance of fight scenes, things22 fall downwards, past it? Ev- cameos by Sylvester Stallone, Ving Rhames, Mag- erything should be falling towards it. Either the gie Q and David Hasselhoff19. By the end of it, are wrong, Ego has some very unusual the Guardians have learned how to live as a fam- mass distributions, or he’s an idiot and didn’t put ily, everyone’s happy and it’s all fine20. There’s his brain in the safest possible position. Or the your potted plot summary, minus too many spoil- magic of cinema happened again, as it is wont to ers. But, if you cared that much about the plot, do. you’ll have seen the film, so there’s no need for me to go on further here. Much more fun is to PACMAN point out some of the things I found particularly I have nothing more to say on this matter. Ex- amusing/weird/mystifying. So, here goes. cept that giant Pacman is great. Yondu’s arrow Family issues How is Yondu not ruling the galaxy by now? This is a film that is very much about family We saw it in the first film, but it’s reinforced here. issues. The characters all seem to be competing His whistle-controlled arrow thingy would appear to outdo each other over how terrible their family to be the greatest weapon of mass destruction in is. To recapitulate: the entire galaxy. In any kind of short-range com- bat, Yondu seems to be practically invincible. The • Peter: mother died when he was a child. arrow appears able to pierce virtually anything — Didn’t know his father. Finds out his father at the very least, it can punch through a space- is effectively a god. Finds out his father killed craft bulkhead with ease — and move extremely his mother and is actually plotting to replace fast, such that Yondu pretty much takes out the all life with himself. Kills his father. crew of an entire spaceship in a few minutes21. Why didn’t they just get Yondu to whistle at Ro- • Gamora and Nebula: Thanos not actually nan in the first film? Put simply, if Yondu were their father, but killed their families and an RPG character, he’d be very broken. The only raised them. Pitted against each other as way you could win would be by shooting him from children and Gamora always won, so Nebula a very long way away before he spots you. Which was largely robotised and has a massive infe- seems a little over-the-top for a supporting NPC. riority complex. Both hate their “father”.

The centre of mass of Ego’s planet • Drax: family killed by Ronan. Parents seem- ingly OK. Winner of the Happy Family award Where is the centre of mass of Ego/Ego’s here. planet? One presumes it is the centre of the planet and, although it’s never clearly-stated, one • Rocket and Yondu: pretty much in the same presumes this is also where Ego’s brain resides. boat. Yondu’s parents sold him to the Kree as Certainly, the impression is given that Ego built a slave; Rocket created by dodgy scientists. the planet concentrically around himself for pro- Actively avoided forming later familial bonds tection, so putting his brain at the centre would due to this, and tend to push away friends. be the logical assumption. Therefore, given the Yondu also exiled by all the other Ravagers, planet is spherical and seemingly planet-sized, the his peer group, on account of breaking the brain must be more-or-less the centre of mass. code in Ego’s service. How is it possible, thus, that, in the climactic • Groot: I am Groot. 18Well, bombed in the brain. The end-result is pretty much the same. So yeah. A large part of the destruction vis- 19A man who is surprisingly central to the plot of the film. ited upon various parts of the galaxy in both films 20For a certain value of “fine”. The multiple bonus could have been avoided if the galaxy had had a scenes hidden in the credits suggest it’s less fine. 21His spaceship, admittedly. So he knows it pretty well! 22Including Gamora.

84 decent counselling service. Of course, it ends up Alien: Covenant. A Review. with them all realising that the other Guardians are their real family. Gamora and Nebula come to or some sort of understanding and Yondu finds re- demption in dying to save Peter and the galaxy. Ripley’s Believe-It-Or-Not- It ends well, but if people actually talked to each Again-Aaarrrggghh other, the same outcome could have been reached with far less wanton mayhem. Samuel Cook Overall, then, a very enjoyable film and once you should definitely go and see, if you haven’t As per usual, here be a warning that spoilers lie already! ahead. Don’t carry on reading if you haven’t seen the film and don’t want it to be ruined for you.

ow, on with the review. A quick note too: N ‘Alien’, italicised, refers to the film of that name, the first in the franchise. ‘Alien’, unital- icised (but always capitalised) refers to the race of killer xenomorphs around which the franchise is based, or is used as shorthand for the whole fran- chise. Without capitals, ‘alien’, means just what it usually means in English. Alien: Covenant is the fifth film to bear the Alien moniker and the sixth in the franchise23. It is the first explicitly Alien film, though, since Alien: Resurrection was released way back in 1997. Or, as I prefer to think of it, Alien versus Firefly 24. And, let’s be honest, it didn’t really reach the heights of the first two films, Alien and Aliens. Though it did have one of the most gruesome death scenes in cinema. Poor Humalien. So, the pressure was on Alien: Covenant to be rather bet- ter and revive the franchise. At the outset, I will say that, for me, it achieved this. In terms of genre it sits somewhere between the slow horror of Alien and the all-out action of Aliens, with a liberal extra splatter of gore com- pared to any of the previous films. No, really, Covenant makes the other Alien films look a bit prudish. We get four [body-part]-bursters25 and a lot of other really quite messy deaths. There are also a lot of callbacks to the first film, starting with the title sequence. My favourite was how Oram, the Captain (Billy Crudup), manages to die in ex- actly the same way and pose as John Hurt’s Kane.

23Prometheus does count, I’m afraid. 24Joss Whedon was involved and you can pretty much map the human characters on to the Firefly ones. What a surprise. 25One back, a mouth, and two chests, I think.

85 Splat. Fortunately, though, it doesn’t do a Star ican accent29). As they’re busy pootling along Wars: The Force Awakens and basically just redo through space, some science happens as the ship the entire plot of the original film26. There are a is extending its solar panels to recharge30. The ex- lot of similarities, but that’s true for all the Alien act science is unimportant31 — the salient point films, all of which can be essentially summarised as is that it causes a power surge that damages the ‘Humans find something suspicious. Humans in- ship, forcing the crew to be awakened, and also vestigate. Humans meet Aliens. Humans (nearly) barbecuing a few of the hibernation pods. Most all die. Aliens (nearly) all die. Maguffin happens importantly, it leads to the phenomenon of crispy to ensure at least one alien and one other charac- fried Captain32, such that Oram, the second-in- ter survive to feature in next movie’. So, whilst it command, is now catapulted into a leadership po- harks back to Alien, it doesn’t just feel as if it’s a sition he didn’t want and isn’t ready for. As this is revamp of it, but that it’s contributing something a colony ship, everyone on it is in a couple, so this genuinely new to the franchise. also leaves the Captain’s wife widowed and griev- Which, mainly, is how the Aliens of the first four ing33. This wife is none other than Ripley. Well, films came to be. The one we see in Prometheus it’s not actually Ripley — it’s Daniels (Katherine isn’t quite the same. By the end of Covenant, we Waterston) — but she’s basically the same char- get the full Alien Alien, complete with big, scary, acter: a junior officer of rather-unspecified func- projectile teeth27, stabby death tail and annoying tion34 who just wants to get home and see her ability to pop up just when you think you’re safe. family. Well, in this case, get to Origae-6, build a To explain how we end up at this state of affairs, cabin by a lake35 and start a family, but the same I’ll do a fairly hefty bit of plot exposition. kind of wish. Obviously, by the end, as with Rip- The movie starts with a short prologue scene ley, she’s a seasoned Alien-killing veteran who’s showing the awakening of David (Michael Fass- seen enough horror and gore in two hours of film bender with an English accent), the android from 29This distinction becomes important. Prometheus, back on Earth, watched over by his 30At least, I think they’re solar panels. It’s certainly to creator, Peter Weyland (Guy Pearce without all recharge the ship’s power, even though they looked more the old-man prosthetics in Prometheus). A large like solar sails that people have come up with as a method of propulsion. amount of foreshadowing then happens, as they 31And seemingly a bit confused. It’s described as a neu- have a discussion about the creation (and, im- trino pulse and as a solar flare. Whilst the latter would plicitly, the destruction) of life, before Weyland cause the former (I suppose), the former would very much criticises David’s choice of music to play on the not be the main problem you’d face if you got caught in 28 a solar flare. Neutrinos barely interact with matter, so piano . We get the message that Weyland was the flux you’d need to seriously damage you would require not a very nice person and far from an ideal fa- you to be basically inside the star. In which case, you ther figure. It is entirely possible this may skew have other problems. What you would be worrying about David’s personality a little... would be the huge amounts of gamma and X-rays, heavier charged particles and various other (sub-)atomic beasties Anyway, turning to the main plot of the film: all pelting towards you at colossal . To put it an- The Covenant is a colonisation ship heading to a other way, being caught in a solar flare and worrying about new planet (Origae-6) that has been carefully se- the neutrinos is a bit like being flamethrowered and worry- ing about whether you’ll ever get the smell of fuel out of lected as suitable for human habitation. There’s your (remaining) clothes. a crew of 15 or so and 2000-odd colonists on 32A very brief cameo by James Franco. It seems odd that board, all in hypersleep/stasis/hibernation/insert someone designed a hibernation pod whose failure mode is to cook its occupant alive. That would be one of the first appropriate term from your favourite sci-fi uni- things I’d design out of something like that. verse here, with one exception, who is Walter, 33It’s alright — she has plenty of company on the Grief- the android (Michael Fassbender with an Amer- mobile before too long. 34I don’t remember Daniels’s role being explicitly-defined 26I enjoyed The Force Awakens, but you have to admit at any point, but I think she was the Chief Engineer or it wasn’t exactly innovative on the plot front. something similar, from context and implication. Ripley, 27I often wonder what Tim the enchanter would have of course, was a Warrant Officer, which is about as generic made of the Aliens. as you can get. 28The entry of the Gods into Valhalla, from Das Rhein- 35Something she reveals to Walter in what turns out to gold. Apparently a bit weak without the orchestra. be an important plot point.

86 to last several lifetimes and thinks she’s finally es- Essentially, the entire human payload of the ship caped36. So, essentially the same character, who is now dead meat. It remains to be seen exactly I will refer to as Proto-Ripley for the rest of this how this deadness is achieved. review. So, the ship, under Captain It-Seemed-A- So, Proto-Ripley and the rest of the crew are Good-Idea-At-The-Time, heads off to investigate. busy repairing the ship and feeling a bit jumpy Throughout all this, the other members of the about going back into the pods, as well as gener- crew are also introduced, but there’s not much ally a bit depressed, after the death of the Captain point worrying about them, because they’ll nearly and several of the colonists. At this point, they all be dead soon. They arrive at the planet and intercept a mysterious transmission, which they pinpoint where the transmission is coming from. trace back to an apparently-habitable planet that They also notice that it’s very stormy, with lots of had somehow been missed back on Earth when the electrical interference. This will make it difficult to initial selection of Origae-6 was made as the ship’s communicate between the ship and orbit and any eventual destination. On further investigation, it landing party. Rule 2 of Sci-Fi: Any sort of storm turns out the signal is playing a tune to some coun- or any hint of storminess will quickly develop into try song or other, which the cowboy member of a full-blown hurricane with all the electromagnetic the crew, Tennessee (Danny McBride), denoted bells and whistles, completely blocking all commu- by a large cowboy hat37, recognises. The signal nication, as soon as anyone lands on the planet. therefore appears to be of human origin, yet how This will happen at the moment that communica- could this be — there shouldn’t be anyone out tion is most required, because the landing party there? Mystery... This surprise planet is more-or- have found something nasty. Captain Blithely- less on their flight path, so would require only a Oblivious, however, has not watched any sci-fi, as minor deviation to investigate, before heading on we’ve already established, so nearly all the crew to Origae-6. head down to the planet, leaving Tennessee (the At this point, New Captain consequently has to Chief Pilot) and his two Pilot Minions39 on the decide whether to go and investigate the mysteri- ship. ous signal, which gives everyone something to do, You can probably guess what happens next. takes their minds off their grief, and keeps them No? Then let’s continue. out of the pods for a few weeks; or whether to ig- Having landed, the crew head off to locate the nore it, send everyone back to sleep, and carry on source of the signal, which turns out to be halfway as planned, direct to Origae-6. He is also feeling up a mountain. Dropship Pilot Woman is left with as if he needs to assert his authority a bit, because the dropship, because, surprise, surprise, the storm he’s worried that everyone’s secretly laughing be- is making communication with the Covenant very hind his back at him because of his unashamed difficult, so she’s trying, in time-honoured sci-fi faith. So, confusing idiocy and stubbornness with fashion, to boost the signal. One of the first mature leadership, he decides to go and investi- things they encounter is a field of wheat. Normal gate the signal, despite Proto-Ripley, who you’d Earth wheat. This is commented on as being odd. think would be the least willing to get back in the Not sufficiently odd to make them think this is a pods, urging him not to. What Captain Never- bad idea and that they should leave now, though. Seen-Star-Wars is forgetting is Rule 1 of Sci-Fi: They carry on, climbing up through some very nice 38 Never investigate the mysterious signal . Proto- forest. It is at this point that Proto-Ripley makes Ripley, who’s clearly seen more sci-fi films than a foreshadowing comment that really should have the captain, is dead right: it’s not a good idea. had them all running back to the dropship as fast as humanly possible (slightly paraphrasing): 36This is patently untrue. It’s an Alien film. The princi- pal character is never going to be left in peace. ‘Can you hear that?’ 37Just in case his accent or his name wasn’t enough to ‘What?’ give you the hint, or you forgot which one he was. 38A very large number of sci-fi films would be a good 39This is the same set-up as in Prometheus, where you deal shorter if any of the characters in them knew anything have Idris Elba as Pilot (and also Captain), along with two about sci-fi. sub-pilots/navigators/etc.

87 ‘Absolutely nothing.’ ed, and is now starting to feel distinctly unwell, so As she has observed, there is no visible or audi- he’s slowing them down somewhat. ble animal life of any kind, not even insects. Just Finally, Biologist Woman and Generic Soldier a load of plants. Still, they carry on and, even Guy #1 get back to the dropship and, with the worse, split up. Rule 3 of Sci-Fi: Never split the assistance of Dropship Pilot Woman, get him into party up, especially when investigating the mys- the medical bay. At this point, he starts convuls- terious signal, particularly when in a storm that’s ing and an Alien bursts out of his back. Dropship making communications difficult. However, Biolo- Pilot Woman runs out screaming and seals the bay gist Woman, like her husband40, clearly isn’t up to door, leaving Biologist Woman to face the small- speed with sci-fi, so happily announces her inten- ish Alien42 alone. Obviously the Alien slashes her tion to stay in the bit of the forest they’ve reached up well good, though it’s unclear if she’s actually and take some samples. Generic Soldier Guy #1 dead or not. This doesn’t really matter, though, is left with her as a guard; the rest of the party because Dropship Pilot Woman now returns, hav- carry on uphill and reach the source of the signal. ing run to get a shotgun from the weapons locker. This turns out to be the big alien ship that David She nearly manages to creep up on the distracted and Dr Shaw intend to fly off in at the end of Alien and shoot it, but slips in a pool of Generic Prometheus41. No sign of anyone there, though, Soldier Guy #1’s blood, and her shot goes wild. just ghostly replays of Dr Shaw playing the melody She fends off the Alien and runs back out into in the signal on the command console. They also the ship, pursued by it. Her increasingly-erratic find Shaw’s dog tags, confirming her identity with shooting, though, largely fails to hit the Alien, the help of Walter’s capacious memory. Having but very successfully hits a large number of fuel found out what they came to discover, and finally canisters43. Boom. No more dropship, Biologist spooked out enough to think this might have been Woman, Generic Soldier Guy #1 or Dropship Pilot a tad unwise, they begin to head back towards the Woman. The Alien fares rather better, though. dropship. The rest of the landing party manage to come This is where things start to go downhill so fast, into view of the dropship, having had to listen it’s more a case of dropping off of a cliff. to all sorts of screaming for the last five minutes When he sat down to have a smoke, Generic and unhelpful messages about things coming out Soldier Guy #1 brushed against some sort of weird of people, just in time to see it explode. Proto- growth thing that promptly exhaled a cloud of Ripley has to physically jump on Captain Oops dust, which turned out to be rather more than to stop him running into the burning wreckage to dust, infecting him via his earhole. He didn’t no- find his wife, because, obviously, she’s dead and tice this, but a little while later, falls over, goes there’s no point. In orbit, Tennessee has no real pale and starts coughing up blood. Therefore, idea what’s going on, because of the storm, but Biologist Woman is dragging him back towards what they have picked up is concerning, especially the dropship and its medical bay as fast as pos- seeing as Dropship Pilot Woman is his wife. At sible and panicking. The rest of the party, re- the moment, though, they’re still just gently or- turning from the alien ship, speed up to try to biting and not involved. They should really just come to her aid, as they’re only getting garbled fly off and head to Origae-6, but they don’t, be- messages through their headsets. The Covenant, cause they think there’s a decent chance the land- meanwhile, is only getting fragments of garbled ing party will make it back alive. Fools. messages, so they know something’s wrong, but As the remnant of the landing party is trying not really what’s going on. What’s no one yet no- to process what’s just happened, Generic Soldier ticed is that Generic Soldier Guy #2, who was in Guy #2 collapses and an Alien bursts out of his the party that went to the ship, also got evil-dust- 42And this is an Alien like the one at the end of 40She’s married to Captain Oram. Prometheus. We’re not at Alien Alien stage yet. 41Or, at least, is a very similar one. Later on, it’s con- 43People should really make more effort to safely store firmed it is the same one, but you don’t know that for sure fuel canisters. Any fuel canister visible in any film will when they first find it. eventually explode.

88 chest and promptly attacks the rest of the party, ting around, indulging his hobbies. Unfortunately assisted by the first Alien. They manage to shoot for everyone concerned, David’s hobbies turn out the second Alien, but not before it’s downed sev- to be genocide and being Dr Mengele46. Michael eral expendable members of the party who hadn’t Fassbender’s acting is superb — there are several even been named44 and appeared to all be more scenes where David and Walter are talking to each Generic Soldier Guys. The first Alien, though, is other, and it’s immediately obvious from the way still causing trouble, but a mysterious cloaked fig- they stand, walk, act, which one is which, without ure appears, fires a flare that scares it off, and them having to open their mouths. And they both bids the survivors to come with him. Now, myste- also come across as a bit unsettling and android-y, rious cloaked figures can be good — think of Obi but in different ways, which is a real tour de force. Wan in Episode IV — but they can also be The David seems a bit creepy and evil; Walter just a Emperor... bit na¨ıveand uncanny. Back to the plot, though: They45 follow the figure back to his base inside a couple of the crew head up to the roof to set up one of the weird alien temple things as seen in a transmitter and contact the Covenant, which Prometheus. On the way, they pass through a they manage. Tennessee learns that his wife is field of what appear to be fairly disturbing statues dead and, in his grief, decides to try atmospheric in various contorted poses of pain and suffering. insertion with a space-going vessel47, but is talked We’ve established, though, that these characters down by his Minions, such that they just approach are impervious to hints, so they carry on following as close as possible for the moment. the figure. Admittedly, they probably don’t have The surviving Alien, meanwhile, has climbed in a lot of choice, as they have to hide somewhere unnoticed. Other Crewwoman has wandered off and try to contact the Covenant to get off the on her own to have a wash. The Alien bites planet. They arrive inside the base and the figure her head off. Literally. David comes in and takes off his cloak. Surprise: it’s Walter. Well, shows some unsettling sympathy with the crea- not actually, it’s David. It would have been useful ture; then Captain Woeful shows up and finally if the crew were aware of two further rules at this does something useful by shooting the Alien whilst point: Rule 5 of Sci-Fi: 90% of the time, it’s the it and David are having a moment. This is not android or the computer that’s really trying to kill enough for Captain Braindead to fully distrust you; and Rule 6: If you have two identical-looking David, though, so he follows him down to the characters in a fight and you don’t clearly see the basement, because David has something special death of one, the winner that returns to the other he wants to show him. This, it eventuates, is characters will be the one you don’t want. But, a set of Alien Alien eggs, complete with Facehug- they’re not. So... gers, one of which finally shows Captain Godawful David explains that him and Dr Shaw crash- some love48. When he wakes up, the Facehugger landed on the planet, in a way that conveniently is gone and David is still standing there. Finally led to the death of Dr Shaw and unfortunately re- realising that David might be a bit dodgy, his mo- leased the bio-weapon the ship was carrying, hence ment of enlightenment is cut short when a full the dearth of animal life, it being programmed to Alien bursts out of his chest. David and it then wipe out anything living that wasn’t a plant or mi- do a little dance before both head off to cause croscopic. Since then, he’s basically just been sit- more mayhem. The rest of the crew are panicking and request 44Rule 4 of Sci-Fi: Any character that is less well-named immediate evacuation, which can only be provided than the main characters is expendable and will certainly die. In Covenant, everyone’s pretty much called by their by Tennessee flying the unwieldy cargo/building surname, so it’s characters that aren’t named that are ex- platform/shuttle thing down, which he proceeds pendable; in situations where characters have first and sec- to do. Whilst waiting for that, they search for their ond names, anyone with only one name will die. See Galaxy Quest for a better explanation of this phenomenon. 46The Auschwitz doctor who had a rather nasty line in 45The party now consists of Captain Oh Shit, Proto- experiments on living patients. Ripley, Walter, Chief Soldier Guy, Other Crewwoman (who 47This is as stupid as it sounds. may have had a specified role, but is basically irrelevant), 48If you haven’t got the hint yet, David is a bit evil. and Generic Soldier Guy #3. Don’t worry — it took the crew this long to figure it out.

89 missing crewmembers. During this, Walter con- all over the sky, and crushing it. Tennessee flies fronts David, as he’s realised that things don’t add the rig back to the Covenant and everyone’s safe. up. In flashback, we now find out how the creepy Except they’re not. Chief Soldier Guy, who’s statues were made: David went a bit Bhagavad in medical, getting some treatment for his acid Oppenheimer49 on the natives, who are the Gi- burns, is fatally surprised when an Alien pops out ant Space Smurfs50, by deliberately releasing the of him. Rule 7 of Sci-Fi: Anyone who’s been any- bio-weapon. David then stabs Walter and leaves where near a Facehugger probably has an Alien in him for dead, though not before trying to con- them. Whilst Possibly-Walter operates the ship vince him of his view that humanity is a dying race and the doors, Proto-Ripley and Tennessee lure that deserves to be wiped out and replaced with the Alien into the cargo bay and try to suck it something better. Proto-Ripley, in the meantime, out into space, which is eventually successful, af- has wandered into David’s arty archive, which ter impaling it on some large spikes. Though not is largely filled with 16-century-style anatomical before it kills off the two Pilot Minions in a shower drawings of someone who is clearly Dr Shaw51 scene that’s more Psycho than Starship Troopers. with wounds that look suspiciously like what you’d Now they can safely carry on their way and go get if an Alien popped out of you. David finds back into the hibernation pods, with all the Aliens Proto-Ripley and proceeds to throw her around the either dead or safely marooned on the planet. room whilst conveniently expounding on his other Or not. Tennessee is sent off to Slumberland hobby of hybridising the various different strains and Proto-Ripley makes to follow him. As the of Alien produced when he ecocided the planet casket is sealed shut by Possibly-Walter, she asks to produce the ultimate human-killing pinnacle of him whether he’ll help her build her cabin by the perfection; viz the one that just popped out of the lake54, as they’d talked about way back at the be- now-deceased Captain. These are, according to ginning of film. Definitely-not-Walter looks puz- him, far more worthy of love and admiration than zled, at which point Proto-Ripley realises it’s ac- humanity. Proto-Ripley is saved from Shaw’s fate tually David, but it’s too late now, as she’s sealed by the arrival of Walter, who had a few upgrades, in the pod and David sends her to sleep. and proceeds to fight David mano-`a-mano52. David then regurgitates a couple of Alien em- Chief Soldier Guy and Generic Soldier Guy #3 bryos that he’d swallowed for safe-keeping and are making their way out of the base for extrac- puts them in the embryo freezer of the ship55 ready tion, but get jumped by a couple of Facehuggers. to be let loose on the unsuspecting colonists56, One gets shot, but the other one gets Chief Sol- and parades through the sleeping denizens, all dier Guy for a few seconds before Generic Soldier to the full orchestral version of the Entry of the Guy #3 can hack it off, liberally dousing his boss Gods into Valhalla in a final middle finger to Peter in acid blood in the process. The now-adult Alien Weyland, whose fault this can all be said to be. is bit peeved by this and messily kills Generic Sol- At least, the part involving a genocidal, human- dier Guy #3, with Chief Soldier Guy running off hating android, which is most of it. screaming. As Tennessee sort-of lands, therefore, a rather 54One of the running themes of the film is android- human love — David suggests Walter loves Daniels, as he battered Chief Soldier Guy and Proto-Ripley limp loses his hand to save her life when they’re first attacked aboard, closely followed by an android that looks by Aliens outside the wreck of the dropship, and later saves and talks like Walter53. And the Alien. Proto- her from David. Walter says it’s only duty, but in a way Ripley now has a protracted fight with the Alien, that suggests he’s lying. This final scene suggests Daniels is starting to feel the same way about Walter, which is an eventually coaxing it into the claws of a crane interesting inversion of and contrast to the usual trope of aboard the building rig, which is wobbling around androids being either unsettling or downright evil, which David personifies. 49‘I am become Death, the Destroyer of Worlds’. 55It’s also carrying human embryos for the whole coloni- 50You know, the big, blue people we met in Prometheus. sation thing. 51We also see what is obviously her corpse in one scene 56One imagines both Tennessee and Proto-Ripley are go- in one of the rooms. ing to suffer unfortunate pod malfunctions before the start 52Or, possibly, robo-`a-robo. of the next film, which will fill the gap in the timeline lead- 53But is it Walter...? ing up to Alien.

90 So, that’s Alien: Covenant, though I fear I may Doctor Who Rant have gone to a rather unnecessary length to prove my point that it does a good job of filling in some of the background to the franchise and adding Tom Flynn something new, whilst very much remaining a clas- sic Alien film. The real innovation of the film was OK FANS in having two contrasting android characters and TO QUOTE A GREAT WOMAN exploring how their experiences and programming “haters gonna hate. could lead to their two radically-different view- hate hate. points. To some extent, the film wasn’t really hate. about Aliens at all, but about David and Walter hate”. and why one is determined on destroying human- It’s time for doctor oh no you don’t ity and the other on protecting it. aka Stephen Moffat plothole Panto hour Overall, I’d say Covenant is a good stand-along FLYNN’S REVIEW sci-fi movie, doing something a bit more interest- CHRIMBO SPECIAL 2K SIX TEEEEEN EDI- ing than just the usual ‘computer trying to kill TION people’, whilst remaining very much an Alien film Ofcourse this whole thing is irrelevant because and a worthy addition to the franchise. Despite Truddle does them now the headbanging stupidity of most of the char- Although acters’ actions. But, wouldn’t you investigate a he hasn’t clocked onto my trademark technique: mysterious signal in their place...? replace all commas with newlines! (hashtag trademark) Expectations are high as ever As we prepare for THE RETURN OF DOCTOR MYSTERIUM Sounds like a terrible villain from the 60s era with a massive beard Actually isn’t. #minorspoileralert FUN FACT: in the virign media categories I intuitively looked for Dr Who in the ’Entertain- ment’ category. Turns out Bransoncorp considers it to be ’Drama’ Sometimes this stuff writes itself (Lol rofl Moffat etc.) SO WE BEGIN THE PLACE IS NEWYORK THE TIME IS vague 20th century. THE WEATHER IS snowy with a hint of Capaldi ANNNND WE’RE OFF Capaldi has great banter with a child Although Both of them seem MUCH TOO CAVALIER about the way Capaldi is hanging over the fifth street chasm of death throughout Also Chasm is a fucking stupidly spelt word. “Chasm” “Chasm” What the hell?

91 Boy child returns to the window just in time for about? Capaldio to fall to his death below. Because apparently (#spoilers) it will fail now EXCEPT NOT because it turns out Capaldi is se- that the Doctor doesn’t have the Ghost Star cretly a fucking ninja of wallhangs. Jemstone thingy... WHO KNEW? So what’s his contingency for that? DOCTOR WHO. Does he bother? ha ha I’m hilarious nope. Why was he even doing it? ALSO why does the boychild say “you’re ex- all these questions and more pected?” WILL GO UNANSWERED. WHO IS HIS MUM? Ah well WHAT DOES SHE KNOW? we return to the matter at hand. [spoiler alert but on review it turns out that this BECAUSE it’s time for some great question is going into the category of QUES- top level TIONS WHICH WERE LITERALLY NEVER 10/10 ANSWERED NEVER] maximum fucking power [Which is a Category which has not seen mean- stupidity ingful usage since series 6.] from the kid boy. [(Oh god series 6)] THAT’S THE MORAL OF THE STORY, KIDS: [SO THAT’S GOOD] Eat mystery pills, get superpowers. [[#sarcasm]] lol jk. [[#it’s not spelt “sarchasm” is it?]] It’s actually: OK WE MOVE ON And it seems comics is this Eat mystery pills, become doctor who showrunner. year’s thing for Moffat to misrepresent and ruin “Don’t panic” / *panics* Sorry did I write “ruin”? Why are we supposed to believe this boy would do I meant “cover”. a good job with superpowers? Yeah anyways. Also, how do they down from the mast thing? Why has the doctor just stopped to read comics? MORE QUESTIONS FOR THE MYSTERY- Is he not busy? BOOK. I mean I guess not. NOW TITLES. But still. Wait wasn’t Matt Lucas in last year’s special? Why comics? [Legit it was only halfway through watching I re- Is he secretly a massive fan of comics? alised that he was and it’s the same character] Is this some #characterdevelopment? NOW WE CUT TO A ROOM Who knows in which a man has screens right next to him with (lol a picture of him on ok I will stop doing that soon) now he is making jokes about being a serialkiller There is an actually reasonable joke about Super- CLEAR MEGLOMANIAC REDFLAGS man & Clarke Kent. Also does this woman know how to use a voicere- There is some classic technobable. corder? Now here’s a question for consideration: POSSIBLY NOT. Is it a Moffat trope that all the technobable di- AHHHH MATT LUCAS DEPLOYS A CLASSIC alouge is exactly the same? WORDPLAY=PLOTPOINT BOMB Like the technobable from this scene could be WORDPLAY=PLOTPOINT BOMB TM OLIVER straight up lifted from any recent technobable TAYLOR science discussion. TM STEPHEN MOFFAT But am I being too harsh? Also why is he going on about the little boy’s Is it just all DW technobable sounds the same? room? Answers on a postcard please. I assumed at the time this was a coded reference ALSO: Sidethought... to some abducted child they would investigate... What was this aerials on the roof project all But no, apparently it was just a weird joke

92 OR WAS IT? Ahhhh Superpowers are cannon now. #PLOTTHREADSLEFTHANGING Classic Moffat OH as an aside what do evilcorp aka Shoal Fish “What superpowers shall we give him?” aka Harvest Brains Inc. actually do? “All superpowers” What is their front? So there’s a superpowerman bumbling about in It’s probably not plot relevant, but is it actually New York now. mentioned? HAS STEPHEN CONSISDERED WHAT THIS ever? WILL DO TO THE TIMELINE? Might they be a property development empire LOL JK. built shadily on an inherited fortune? “Light to moderate injury is fine” — Not such a #weak2016satire great line. ANYWAY Incredible how this scene manages to be sexist so IT’S MIDNIGHT. uneffortlessly. (OR SHOULD THAT BE MINDNIGHT?) AND WE’RE BACK IN THE PAST So it’s time for us to visit the room shaped like For a the Cyan Worlds logo. In-case-you-really-didn’t-work-it-out-yet GOOGLE IT BARBARIANS miniscene. It turns out Matt Lucas was literally hiding in the “How will it get out?” I vote you stomach pump restroom? him immediately. Also e-harmony fish have really bad security? AND WE’RE BACK IN THE NOW idk. Ghostyman is moonlighting as a babysitter. They’ve got brains so it’s probably a front for the / Nannyman is moonlighting as a Ghost. Cybermen. NB MATT LUCAS IS ADDING NOTHING TO AND THE DOCTOR IS EATING SUSHI. THIS SCENE. BUT WHY SUSHI? HE IS LITERALLY SITTING AND PLAYING I REALLY WANT SOME SUSHI. WITH AN ELEPHANT. Wait has the white guy brought the black guy in Mrs babyowner is home now. here just to kill him? OH MY GOD THEY’VE GONE FULL LOIS Correction: LANE/CLARKE KENT ON THIS SHIT? Wait has the white guy brought the black guy INCREDIBLE. in here just to make him suspicious about the ANNNNND TIME FOR ANOTHER FLASH- organisation’s true purpose, then kill him? BACK: Because if so. OOOH PRIMAL SREAM +10 POINTS. He gets 0 Peter Anspaches out of 5. “X ray vision” (Spoiler alert: yes) Ok so someone should write a ranking of every “I think the brains might be alive” Stephen Moffat Awkward Indirect Sex joke. “Like alive alive” This one would be right up there. Great work white guy. “I like everyone” Oh hello. GREAT LITTLE PANSEXUALITY NOD THERE. Why is the Dr man’s brain not in bloo goo-oooh And we’re back to the now wait, it because he dead. again. This whole head scar thing is much like the For the men to talk mopily on the fire escape. snakeysnakesnake man from the beginning of OH MY GOD MOVE ON SADO. last series. OH MY GOD MOVE ON SADO. IT’S TIME FOR DR DOLITTLE AND THE (That was one for each of these PATHETIC MEN) BRAIN SURGEONS. Oh hang on is Lois Lane secretly competent? “I would call security but they might leave you (Spoiler: yes/mostly) alive” — a great line. She has devised an impressive technique for get- The 4 lines which follow are fodder and could have ting straight answers out of Capaldio, been omitted. Called punishing the audience whenever the doc-

93 tor lies. It’s America. NICE META They can just flash them about or whatever. She does have an obsession with wisecracks NOW WE’RE IN TOKYO though. #setsavings Also being Sherlock? Cut to DATE NIGHT Did she bleed over from Sherlock? Feat. EXTREMELY negligent babysitting It’s on next week maybe she got lost? And oh god “Get a smoke detector” worst best line ever. Oh god this scene ALSO SINCE SHE’S SO CLEVER Seriously if the last scene was cheesy and terrible WHY CAN’T SHE TELL THAT GRANT IS THE Has Moffat ever met a human? GHOST? Has he even seen one? IS SHE WEAKENED BY LOVE? “Adolesence was difficult” FIRST HINT OF SELF- #LOL JOKES AWARENESS FROM THE CREEP (shakes fist at Moffat) Oh god this scene “There are some situations which are too stupid Points for managing to bounce from gay stereo- to be allowed to continue” YEAH BUT THIS types to sexism in two lines. IS DR WHO SO I GUESS THEN we have a chat on the phone feat. comic Oh god this scene book style split-screen presentation Oh god this scene x 10 I actually really like that. Fortunately OOOOH CAPALDI IS 4th WALLING THIS SO and by HARD. fortunately 10/10 I mean AHHHHHHHHHHHH after FAR TOO LONG So this is basically just your standard common IT’S DR DEATH AND THE SUREGON GOONS! or garden Moffat-can’t-do-normal-interpersonal (Playing the Dublin Castle) relationships sequence Unfortunately it takes them long enough to get But with the added twist of the Doctor just stand- upstairs for this Date Scene to literally worsen. ing there in massive gawping mode SUPRISINGLY like “why are you two being so stupid” THAT IS POSSIBLE Basically Moffat is 4th walling himself? THEY EVEN DO A WHOLE PHYSICAL “COM- The main problem is that while Lucy is generally EDY” competent MASKON MASKOFF THING with only the one dash of enormous plot-critical OVER THE TOP OF THE SUPPOSEDLY stupidity (judging by the music) to not be able to recognise Grant HEARTFELT CREEPY GOOEY STUFF I think I am supposed to root for the man OK IT’S DR DEATH AND THE SUREGON Whereas a more accurate description of my atti- GOONS ROOFTOP EDITION tude would be: Time for PLEASE WILL YOU PUNISH THIS USELESS THE SCENE IN WHICH WE EXPLAIN THE MAN FOR BEING USELESS WHOLE PLOT AND CREEPY FEAT. you thought it was a video clip but it’s ANYWAY actually spaceskpye PART 2. It’s time to MEET THE BAD GUYS (tm) We fire up the Doctor Who plot recycler slot ma- Feat. A very Sherlocky surprise arrival transition. chine. Seriously is it just because Sherlock is on next annnnnnnd... week I keep saying this? *clank clank clank* maybe it is. it’s the plot from the Slytheen episode! Also why do the bad guys keep guns in their (But with added America) heads? Meanwhile a man says “at least I get to kill you...”

94 while holding a knife thing Infact then goes to the trouble of drawing a gun from leaving aside the PHENOMENAL stupididy and his head creepiness of the whole Grant/Ghost character. Seriously I get it GOOD EPISODE? it’s like an ipad The story you want to show off your usp Although EXTREMELY simple but time & a place dude. was pretty coherent? time and a place. or at least not so jittery as to really irritate me OH CUE GRANT. and distract from the fun dont see what he’s gonna do it’s not like he’s got l liked the ending bit superpow- **dies due to own sass** it was nicely stoic. NOW A MAN WILL SHOUT INTO THE AIR ANYWAY THAT’S YOUR EP IN A WAY WHICH IS PROBABLY MEANT TO NOT A BAD EP SEEM INTIMIDATING ALTHOUGH NOTHING ACTUALLY SPECIAL BUT IN FACT JUST COMES ACROSS AS VERY ABOUT IT STUPID #MOFFATSPECTATIONS BUT by an incredible convenience of plot the Here’s a closing thought ghost CAN hear him! Would it be the ultimate Moffat Troll NOW it’s a Christmas episode so there has to be to an EU-mandated spaceship re-entry scene. immediately before leaving the show AND THIS IS IT produce a really good series? Feat. excessive zingers Is that even possible? because pffff What is ’good’ Doctor Who anyway? THEN IN AN HILARIOUS TWIST THE GHOST All these questions and more FAILS AND NEWYORK IS DESTROYED. are left for your consideration lol no. kthnxBYEEEEE There’s a great freezeframe with Granny Grant holding the spaceship and everyone looking all windswept. IMO they should just end the ep on that. UNFORTUNATELY THERE’S ALL THAT PESKY PLOT BECAUSE WE’RE ALLWAYS SO CAREFUL WITH THAT STUFF SO VERY CAREFUL we got to the d´enouement with 8 minutes to spare. OH GOD AND THE CREEP GETS THE WOMAN This seems a bad message for the children plus he was an extremely negligent babysitter. WAIT A MINUTE FOLKS I JUST REALISED SOMETHING EXTRAORDI- NARY THIS EPISODE WAS NOT RESOLVED BY A MOTHER’S LOVE FOR HER CHILD OR THE MEMORARY OF A DISTANT SHORE OR THE SCENT OF FRESH LINNEN IN THE BREEZE OR IDK TWEETS SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

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