1 Trouble Tiptoeing? Become Airborne! T.T.B.A. Volume: 33 field mice Issue: late Contents The Chairbeing's Address 3 Editorial 3 Chainwriting 4 Title Containing What In Hindsight Turns Out To Be A Pun On A Major Plot Point........4 A Close Shave.............................................. 10 The ********'s Tale.......................................... 15 The Tower of Stars........................................... 21 Torquemada Way............................................ 25 Do Corn Gods Dream of Alternate Meats?............................... 31 Goodnight................................................ 38 Unravelling the Plot........................................... 42 Of Laughter and Good Spirits...................................... 46 Sweet Dreams.............................................. 49 When the Clocks Stopped........................................ 54 The Jacketeers.............................................. 58 Sleepwaking............................................... 64 Harry and Xanth's Totally Righteous Adventure............................ 67 We Are Groot?............................................. 70 The City of Ys 73 Cave Dwellers 75 Pecan Patch 76 Riddle of the Spheres 79 The Grand Pigeon Massacre 82 Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2. A Review 83 Alien: Covenant. A Review. 85 Doctor Who Rant 91 Cover art credit: Kimberly Ward. All works within remain the property of their respective owner(s). 2 The Chairbeing's Address Editorial WARNING: TEMPORAL ANOMALY DETECTED! reetings CUSFSites.12 This is the first, and reetings, Sciencefictioneers! G very likely the only Chairbeings Address3 I G Another year has come and gone. Old faces will get to write, which is unfortunate I suppose WARNING: TEMPORAL ANOMALY DETECTED!have left us. New WARNING: TEMPORAL ANOMALY DETECTED! faces have joined us. And lots for my plan of subtle subliminal brainwashing via of middle faces have merely changed a bit. To one the medium of TTBA addresses, but heigh ho, the and all I say: welcome, ye with faces and ye with summoning of the giant space laser firing interdi- none, to the TTBA. 4 mensional Cthulhu butterfly by my brainwashed This edition of the TTBA is a little later than 5 minions will just have to find another means of intended (by about a year...), but as a result it 6 execution. contains several times the usual dosage of chain- Anyway, the failure to brainwash anyone into writing, fiction, reviews, art and idle musings. 7 summoning space butterfly Cthulhu aside, we've We seem to have drifted off towards the dreamy had quite a good year of it so far and this is a this year. The chainwriting contains no fewer trend that I would like, as far as possible to see than four dreamscapes, and more Fae than anyone continued, if we can all put out of our minds for would want to shake a stick at. Even the regular a second the looming spectre of examination that fiction has a magical realism feel to it. is currently approaching many of us. This term We also bring you the usual crop of `unusual' promises the coming of the Veizla and the com- chainwriting. One chain starts at the end and ends ing, with it, of yet another new era and yet another at the start, one starts at the start and end and new invasion of Norway.8 To some of our newer ends in the middle, and one starts and ends every- members unfamiliar with the logistics of sending a where at once. Another chain goes in the usual regular fleet so far north every year, fear not, you order, but with prompts along the way, and the fi- will learn our ways soon enough. Also this term nal chain is normal, apart from the tiny detail that will be films, the geeksoc picnic (for those who it's written in *cue booming voice* Epic Verse. want to see our new chairbeing and the steward of CTS have at it with pool noodles) and the ev- And last but not least, the fearsome footnote erpresent pub. horde has been beaten back! The forces unleashed may have made a minor rupture in the fabric of For now though, I leave you to enjoy this issue of time, but think upon the victory! Think upon TTBA, may it bring you much wisdom and peace what fell fate would surely await us if even one foul of mind.91011 footnote had infiltrated our TTBA unchecked? Nicholas Heitler | Chairbeing. So without further ado, I leave you in the capa- All hail space butterfly interdimensional laser ble hands of all the wonderful people who wrote Cthulhu things. It's been a blast, and I look forwards to being out-paced by our new TTBA editor, Megan, over the coming year! 1I hear these things are meant to have footnotes. So this is a footnote about the fact that there will be foot- Mark Johnson | X-TTBA Editor notes. 2A metafootnote if you will. Last Year's Committee: 3No, I'm not following the tradition, my home address is difficult to squeeze in. (Unless of course I have managed it, and you just don't know I have.) Nicholas Heitler | X-Chairbeing 4What? Isobel Sands | X-Secretary 5Obviously not you. 6Not that we're a cult. Olivia Morley | X-Treasurer 7Happens to the best of us. Louise Vincent | X-Social Secretary WARNING: TEMPORAL ANOMALY DETECTED!8Which is definitely WARNING: TEMPORAL ANOMALY DETECTED! Norway. 9Did I do the footnote thing right? Alastair Haig | X-Librarian 10Wait, what if I overdid the footnote thing? Mark Johnson | X-TTBA Editor 11Nah, couldn't have done. ANN:TMOA NML DETECTED! ANOMALY TEMPORAL WARNING: 3 Chainwriting familiar local Mental Institution, peeled past. The public speaker system broadcasting each citi- zen's personal soundtrack was happily blaring out Title Containing What In Hindsight a brisk waltz in Innocent's direction. Turns Out To Be A Pun On A Ma- Suddenly the soundtrack changed key to an un- jor Plot Point familiar minor, a cello easing out an unsettling tri- tone and a skilled percussionist producing a clat- Alastair Haig, Sarah Binney, Andrew Car- tering sound not unlike the rattle of bones. A lotti, Greg Weir, Andrew Conway, Bryn cloud momentarily covered the sun, and on the Reinstadler, Nick Heitler, Curtis Reubens, pavement a cat hissed and bolted. It was signs like Harley Jones, Jake Choules, Michael French, this which made the residents of Charact City re- Danielle Saunders, Ed Heaney, Rory Hennell- ally proud to call themselves Characters. The City James Council had recently spent a lot of public money getting its omens upgraded, and Innocent nodded nnocent Bystander brushed hair away from to themselves in appreciation of Good Crafts- I their eyes as the trolley left the station. They manship, Delivered On Time and Under Bud- had an odd name, as people always told them, see- get. ing as they were rarely stood still for more than Innocent glanced around. The only other per- a few seconds, and were far from innocent in the son on the bus was a hooded figure on the back eyes of most. Innocent had always meant to ask seat, who had begun to make their way down the their parents why they were named that, but had aisle. Innocent watched as the figure neared them. never gotten the chance, seeing as their earliest On their cheek was a strange scar that looked memory was seeing a couple murdered by a figure something like half a mildly-singed tortoise. In- with bright red hair and a scar in the shape of half nocent's face contorted in effort trying to remem- a mildly-singed tortoise. ber where they'd seen that scar. It was so very Innocent reckoned they should probably have familiar. some kind of Strong Feelings towards that tor- The figure withdrew their hood to reveal shock- toise guy, but as of yet they hadn't quite gotten ing red hair. \Hello, Innocent." There was a around to doing that. Anyway, chasing down your knife in their hand. Innocent had time to think parents' murderer was a sure fire way to get your- \not again" before they felt the knife slide be- self into a Story, with things like Destiny and tween their ribs and then darkness. Adventure, which Innocent knew would be A Lot More Hassle Than It's Worth. *** Stories were for people with Heroic names like the ones in Innocent's books. Names with vim, Evil Overlord stepped off the bus to a backdrop of vigour and scars where they'd been brutally mis- Dystopian Marching Band, and smiled. They pronounced by ravening hordes. Names like Ab- always loved to hear this particular motif | it salom the Adjectifier, Sir Firesnap the Trian- gave them a sense of Righteous Determination, gulator, Lady Laurent the Listlessly Loqua- and helped them to feel at peace with themself. cious or STUART. In the stories the Innocent They hated having to use their knives, but Evil Bystander always walked away unscathed. knew that in their Line Of Work, the First Law Besides, Innocent had no time for stories. They Of EVIL was paramount: Never Leave Behind were on a Mission From the Gods. Witnesses. It was for this reason that Evil's knife A mission to Fetch Some Milk. was now embedded in the torso of the former bus As the trolley trundled along down the High driver. Street Innocent absently picked a piece of fluff With these final witnesses dead, Evil could at from their shirt, which gleamed red in the morning last return to their original mission. The public sun. The great red-brick fa¸adesof city buildings, speaker system was now blaring out a triumphant Department Stores and Civic Buildings and the fanfare, obviously symbolising the now-completed 4 side-quest. It had been a particularly Gruelling In the shock of the moment, Evil Overlord failed and Unpleasant quest, and Evil was not proud of to notice one thing: the small child following the what they had done, which was probably why the couple through the Cold and Misty night.