Flesh-eating goldfi sh found in the WVU to convert Coaching hiatus possible aft er Rec Center pond bathrooms into a nightclub Huggins nets world-record trout p. 3 p. 5 p. 8 ALL CONTENT IS FOR APRIL FOOLS’ DAY AND IS SATIRICAL.

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WVU’s Independent Student Newspaper THURSDAY APRIL 1, 2021 www.thedaonline.com Cannabis dispensary to open in Mountainlair

ijuana in the bathroom. professors to come teach and grow ` BY HARRY JOHNSON “Th e fact that WVU almost kicked here in Morgantown,” Johnson said. CANNABIS SPECIALIST me out of the residence hall in the “Th ere’s a very intense litmus test fall but then creates a major for can- where each candidate must roll a nabis in the spring is absurd. Either joint, and if it’s not up to our stan- Purple ReLeaf Cannabis Co. way, my record better be expunged.” dards, they don’t get hired,” he said. will debut Tuesday, April 20, in the Purple ReLeaf will be a complete Johnson did say that he is in dis- Mountainlair. dispensary housing fl ower, edibles cussion with Dale Denton and Saul Th e cannabis dispensary will re- such as cookies, chocolates and Silver, two noted cannabis experts, place Blue Tomato in the food court candy, plus oil and wax. for guidance. Johnson says he would and will be located next to Chick-fi l-A. Th e store will open with its feature be “thrilled” if the two joined the Purple ReLeaf is part of a new ini- strains, Pepperoni Roll OG Kush, a team because of their unique twist tiative coming to WVU, a cannabis hybrid strain that leaves the con- on a popular strain. studies program. It will be one of only sumer with feelings of relaxation and “Th ey grow the best Pineapple Ex- a few other colleges to off er a degree happiness, and Mountaineer Poison, press I’ve ever had. I don’t know what in cannabis along with schools like a sativa known for its sweet smell and they do with it, but it’s phenomenal,” Northern Michigan University, Oak- energetic, uplifting eff ects. Johnson said. sterdam University and Clover Lead Th e University conducted a thor- Th e University hopes that this new University, according to Forbes. ough search for cannabis experts program will diversify the economy Ben Stone is a freshman biology around the country to lead the pro- and bring a plethora of new people, student who says he plans to change gram. Mac Johnson and Devon Over- especially young people, to the state. his major next fall. street have been chosen to lead the “Our hope with this new program the legal cannabis industry created economy. “I’m really looking forward to get- program and run the store, a spokes- is that we can continue to grow West 211,000 full-time jobs in the United Purple ReLeaf will be made avail- ting into the program. I’m going to person for the University said over Virginia’s economy and boost tour- States in 2019. As more states like able to students with dining dollars, learn so much about how to grow and email. ism. Imagine how much more fun a Virginia, New Jersey and New York Mountie Bounty, meal swipes and create my own business,” he said. Th ey will each teach a number of trip to Cooper’s Rock would be with a continue to pass recreational mari- cash or card. Further, positions on However, he hopes the University classes and help WVU recruit more pre-rolled from Purple ReLeaf,” Over- juana legislation, will the staff will be made available this will expunge his student conduct re- experts from around the country. street said. quickly fall behind on an innovative fall through the work-study program. cord as he has been caught multiple “We’re actively searching for more According to a report from Leafl y, times in smoking mar- way to boost tourism and grow the New PRT track set to take students up, down frat row

installments. students avoid running into the the inclusion of frat row on the new “My legs feel like jell-o, and I always ` BY KENT DORFMAN “Th is is the best decision this uni- many police cars that are consis- project. lose my JUUL during the hike uphill. EXORCISER versity has ever made,” Spiker said. tently staked out up and down the “I think it’s a great way for the frats With the new track, we can make the “Do you know how many times I’ve road. With this, students will be eas- to fi nally get some recognition,” he most out of our power hour and eas- twisted my ankle on that steep, glass ily able to transport themselves, as said. “WVU is one of the top party ily leave when the fi ghts break out.” After much outcry from students, covered hill? Seriously, I almost well as any other drugs or alcohol, to schools in the country, and for the Th e PRT will also now be equipped the PRT track will now be expanding didn’t make it back down those steps ensure they safely arrive at the dim- University to fi nally recognize that by with bottles of water, pretzels, LED up frat row to give students easier ac- last week.” ly-lit, slightly-damp frat basements expanding the track, it really gets the lights and puke buckets to minimize cess to their weekend rallies. For many, the track will encour- of WVU. bros excited for another darty.” weekend blackouts. Students can Th e new PRT track is set to take age students to get lit faster without “We’re hoping that this does won- Many agree that students should also press the emergency button, students up and down High Street, having to deal with as many negative ders with our recruiting of fi rst-year have an easier time getting to and which will immediately initiate the and it will also loop back at the top side eff ects like falling down the steps students,” a University administrator from the frats to help keep the party playing of “Country Roads.” of frat row. of frat row or losing a friend along who requested anonymity said. scene alive. However, the track is currently un- Helga Spiker, a second-year mul- the way. An unnamed senior fraternity “By the time I get up to the frats, der construction and will not actu- tidisciplinary studies student, ex- Th e new PRT track will also help member shared his gratitude for I can barely breathe,” Spiker said. ally be up and running until this fall. pressed her excitement for the new 2 ALL CONTENT IS FOR APRIL FOOLS’ DAY AND IS SATIRICAL. THURSDAY APRIL 1, 2021 WEEKEND WEATHER FORECAST SOCIAL MEDIA MOMENTS dailyathenaeum THURSDAY 4/1 EXPECT NIGHT OF HEAVY DRINKING Staff AND POOR DECISIONS TO COME. WVU’s INDEPENDENT HIGH 96°  LOW 69° STUDENT NEWSPAPER APRIL FOOLS’ FRIDAY 4/2 HEADLINES HEAVY CLOUDS EXPECTED THROUGHOUT DOWNTOWN. HIGH YES, VERY°  LOW NOT YET° Cannabis dispensary to open in Mountainlair on 4/20

SATURDAY 4/3 New PRT track set to take SUNSHINE FOLLOWED BY NO students up, down frat row PROFESSOR EMAIL RESPONSES. HIGH 54°  LOW 58° Flesh-eating goldfi sh found in Rec Center pond

Buses to terrorize CRIME REPORT Morgantown roads into the future MARCH 30 MARCH 31 2:14 a.m. | Active 2:58 p.m. | Impounded Mountainlair bathrooms Mountainlair. Area 53. converting to nightclub Student stuck in bush Back ticket tow. retrieving Puff Bar. MARCH 31 Dorm life already too MARCH 30 1:28 p.m. | ARREST ‘incredible’ for an upgrade 3:29 a.m. | Active Mountainlair. Mon. River. Woman slips on Whippet. Man falls in Mon. River. Engineering students debate MARCH 31 Acid burns on legs. 2:40 p.m. | ARREST fi ring giant death laser at MARCH 30 Boreman North. liberal arts buildings 1:28 p.m. | Resolved RA growing mushrooms in Evansdale Crossing. closet. Intent to sell. Th e best places to cry on Picnic tables stolen. MARCH 31 campus MARCH 30 4:39 p.m. | ARREST Armstrong Hall. 3:33 p.m. | Active Coaching hiatus possible aft er Mountainlair. Professor snorts cocaine Huggins nets world-record Mouse tail found in coff ee. off MATH 124 textbook. trout

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Corrections [email protected] The Daily Athenaeum strives for accuracy and fairness in the reporting of news. If a report is wrong or misleading a request for a correction or a clarifi cation may be made. THURSDAY APRIL 1, 2021 APRIL FOOLS’ 3 ALL CONTENT IS FOR APRIL FOOLS’ DAY AND IS SATIRICAL. Flesh-eating goldfi sh found in Rec Center pond IRWIN STEVENS on campus informing them of the incident. RESIDENT AQUATIC EXPERT Students are advised not to feed the mutant fi sh, as many In a turn of events, four have been spotted tossing WVU students had a harsh their dining hall meals into the wake up call last week. During murky waters. a night of partying, the group Th e four students have re- decided to take a bare dip in turned home while they heal the Rec Center pond. from emotional and physical Th e group said it began to damages. Th e boys will be fi t- feel swarms of small, bright ted for prosthetic toes crafted goldfish nibbling at their by freshman STEM student feet. At first, what seemed Kash Monie. Th e prosthetics like harmless tickling turned have been handcrafted using to sharp bites. Two of the old whipped cream canisters girls luckily escaped with mi- collected from High Street. nor damage to their legs and It is unknown at this time feet. However, both boys were whether the toe-less duo will sent to Ruby Memorial Hospi- return next semester after the tal for their injuries; one lost incident. Th e SGA is organiz- a big toe and the other lost STAFF PHOTO ing a fundraiser for their peers three smaller toes during the Lenny, a non-fl esh-eating goldfi sh swimming in his bowl. selling non-fl esh-eating gold- incident. fi sh and Goldfi sh™ snacks on “Th e fi sh seemed to enjoy students chose to swim in the put out a notice of warning to move them due to their violent Th e University wants all stu- campus. Be sure to look near their late night snack; we had shallow, infested waters, but students about the dangers of nature. Th ey seem to have mu- dents to know that WVU is not the Mountainlair for the stu- to lure them away from the the EMT on site claims that swimming in the pond. tated due to high concentra- responsible for any injuries dents raising funds to aid in students with leftover Waldo’s when asked, the students said “We are not sure where they tions of Puff Bar residue that that occur at the pond from their medical bills and school Chicken,” said one EMT wit- it was “for the culture.” [the goldfi sh] originally came has seeped into the water sys- this point forward, after the tuition. ness about the tragic accident. The following day, WVU from, and we are unable to re- tem,” the statement said. notice was sent to all students It is not yet clear why the 4 | NEWS ALL CONTENT IS FOR APRIL FOOLS’ DAY AND IS SATIRICAL. THURSDAY APRIL 1, 2021 Buses to terrorize Morgantown roads into the future BY TOBY SMITH demic year, a new “Booze Bus” route will be added to CATINCHIEF the rotation, which will run only on Friday and Saturday The University will keep on nights from 11 p.m. to 4 a.m. trucking — or busing, in this It will feature a stop on High instance — as it moves out Street so that those indulging of the COVID-19 pandemic. in drunken debauchery can WVU commissioner of enjoy a warm, greasy meal. transportation Paul Mont- Derrick Green, a junior gomery announced Wednes- English student and frequent day that the University will patron of Downtown water- continue to operate passen- ing holes, says that he is em- ger buses around campus, bracing the new route. in fact increasing the num- “I heard about this busing, ber of them in order to meet and I was like ‘What?’” Green demand. said. “Then I was like ‘Whoa’ “So far, the buses have and then I was like ‘No way, been a huge success,” Mont- dude.’” gomery said. “Even though Green is eager to experi- they take up so much space ence the elevated transpor- on our beloved Morgantown tation on campus, saying that roads, they transport stu- he would consider switching dents from point A to point his major and becoming a B without constant mainte- fifth-year if it works out well. nance. That’s all we can ask “Quite honestly,” Green for.” STAFF PHOTO said, “I think that buses just There are currently 35-40 A new “Booze Bus” will unveil next school year and run Friday and Saturday 11 p.m. to 4 a.m. hit different.” buses in operation, but cur- Montgomery stated that rent plans are to double that car would have been limited ment of increased bus- and staff to navigate campus, more 25-ton buses to bother the increase in buses would number. to one to two riders. ing leaves the PRT service but the increase in buses will fellow commuters?’ and the not have an effect on the an- The incorporation of large WVU previously an- — in its current form — in move the PRT toward being response was an overwhelm- nounced PRT track slated to passenger buses on campus nounced nearly a year ago question. obsolete. ing yes.” transport students up and came as a result of social-dis- that the PRT would be closed “We haven’t come to a “Our main priority is to Currently, buses oper- down frat row on weekends. tancing concerns due to the for the fall semester and, as consensus on the PRT’s fu- inconvenience the drivers of ate on campus on weekdays Work on that track is slated to COVID-19 pandemic. While the pandemic dragged on, ture just yet,” Montgom- the city of Morgantown, and from 6:30 a.m. to 10:15 p.m., begin this summer, and pro- the University offers a hand- the transportation method ery said. “We feel that, un- I think this move will do just as well as Saturdays from 9:30 duction is expected to wrap ful of PRT cars for transpor- was shuttered for the spring der normal circumstances, it that,” Montgomery added. “I a.m. to 5:30 p.m. up prior to the first week of tation, due to their size, each semester. The announce- is the best way for students asked our staff, ‘Do we need For the upcoming aca- classes this fall. THURSDAY APRIL 1, 2021 APRIL FOOLS’ 5 ALL CONTENT IS FOR APRIL FOOLS’ DAY AND IS SATIRICAL. Mountainlair bathrooms converting to nightclub

CHARLIE KELLY holds-barred type of deal,” DAY MAN McMorone said. “By the time I’ve got it all worked out, that One thing no one debates place is going to be like the is that Morgantown nightlife ThunderDome from ‘Mad is the best in the state. What- Max’ — just utter chaos. It’ll ever your favorite club atmo- be so sweet.” sphere may be, there is bound Jonathan Bumflattner, a to be a bartender somewhere janitor at the Mountainlair, who will serve you far more said the idea came to him at shots of Patrón than you the end of a 14-hour shift. should rightfully be allowed. “Well, it was around the “Well, it seems you animals 19th flatline-drunk sopho- are committed to treating the more that I scraped off the Mountainlair bathroom like a tiles when I had the idea,” nightclub, so we turned it into Bumflattner said. “It’s like, one,” said Don McMorone, as- you know how sometimes a sistant to the vice-supervisor kid just won’t stop trying to at the Mountainlair. “Every do something that’s bad for time I go in there, some kid’s him, so you just let him do it got his foot stuck in a urinal and hope he learns his les- and a bunch of losers are sip- son? Th at was essentially the ping 40s by the sinks, so why idea, except I get paid for it.” not squeeze some money out Bumfl attner will be taking of it?” up as the head bouncer at the McMorone said the con- club, which will be christened Chateau No. 1 on Friday, and version would take only a few STAFF PHOTO short weeks since the stinky he said he is excited to start Mountaineers let out their inner maniac between classes and the new clubs. air and fluorescent lights work at his new job. “Well, most of the time seemed to be what attracted get it out because he’s too heads around, just like I’ve WVU announced that it would and providing free-reign over when some frat boy gets his students to the locale in the drunk, you just gotta help him always wanted! Gotta show be moving the sushi bar from the containers to anyone who basketball jersey stuck on the fi rst place. out,” Bumfl attner said. “Now, some discipline as a bouncer.” the food court to the former buys admission. lever on the toilet and can’t “I’m thinking of a no- though, I get to knock some As for the refreshments, men’s side of the restroom Dorm life already too ‘incredible’ for an upgrade WVU operates 12 residence halls across Downtown, Evansdale campuses

DENNIS REYNOLDS NIGHT MAN “Where will we get the money to fl y each individual football player When you ask what expe- riences really stood out for to Hawaii in his own private jet former WVU freshmen, two things usually come to mind: every summer?” staying in the dorms and re- ceiving the bill for their stay. -Remington McMoneybucks “Well, with COVID and all, I had the option to skip out comment on the costs. ments downtown,” McMon- on the dorms this year,” said “It’s a whole lot more com- eybucks said. “But you’d miss Cynthia Albertson, a sopho- plicated than just ‘make them out on the spectacular expe- more color therapy student cheaper,’” McMoneybucks rience of hearing your room- from Phillipi. “So I did, and I said. “How will we pay for the mate fart in her sleep four was surprised to receive a let- water? What about the heat feet away, or locking eyes ter from Forbes the very next in winter? And where will we with a naked stranger across day.” get the money to fl y each in- the communal shower, all for But what did Albertson dividual football player to Ha- only $2,997 a semester!” think of life in the dorms? waii in his own private jet ev- Dominic Landlerd, the di- “Oh, it was great. I made ery summer? We have to be rector of resident aff airs at lots of friends and everything realistic.” Bennett Tower, echoed Mc- just like everyone else. I’ve McMoneybucks was ec- Moneybucks’ sentiments. got to admit, though, the cost static about the incredible “My job here is basically was a little… well, let me put it experiences students could to make sure the place don’t this way, I could have bought have living in the dorms, and burn down. Th at’s about it,” two season passes to Disney he said they outweighed the Landlerd said. “If it fl oods, World if I hadn’t stayed in steep cost. you know, most of these kids Towers my freshman year.” “Listen, you could have a cuff their jeans up nowa- To get a broader assess- private bedroom, a kitchen, days anyway, so I’m sure they ment of the situation, the a private bathroom, heating, won’t notice. And as for those STAFF PHOTO Daily Athenaeum contacted water, a full refrigerator and divider stalls missing from Remington McMoneybucks, a queen-sized bed for $430 the urinals on the 16 fl oor, it New and improved showers in Towers leak every third use. head of the WVU Mint, to a month in one of the apart- builds character.” 6 ALL CONTENT IS FOR APRIL FOOLS’ DAY AND IS SATIRICAL. THURSDAY APRIL 1, 2021 WVU Engineering students debate whether or not to fi re giant death laser at liberal arts campus

journalism major we zapped fessors could appeal to them. BY MANTIS TOBOGGAN last week as a test should be They know some math or M.D. justifi cation enough.” something, I think,” said Carol To gauge satisfaction with Jonespiper, director of the Of the greatest achieve- the laser among engineering Eberly College. ments ever to come out of the students, the engineering de- “By this time next week, WVU engineering buildings, partment sent out a survey. Of they should have those 15 some may think of achieve- the engineering students, 90% megaphones taped together ments in energy and resource responded, ‘Yes, immediately so they can explain to the en- sciences. Others may think wipe out the liberal arts cam- gineering campus just how of the Volkswagen Emissions pus with the giant death laser,” immoral this is,” Jonespiper Scandal. Still, one may also while only 10% responded, said. “It’s really all we’ve got. be tempted to bring up the gi- “No, wait to wipe out the lib- We asked them to toss in a few ant superatomic death laser eral arts campus later.” of those equals-sign thingies pointed straight at the Eberly “It’s totally unfair. What are and maybe a square root, but College of Arts and Sciences. we supposed to do, write them we haven’t heard back from “Arts and ‘Sciences,’, yeah a strongly worded letter?” said them yet.” right,” said Jorgen Jorgensson, Marilyn So Crates, professor of When contacted about the a junior physics student. “Who rhetoric at WVU. “What, am I plan, Donny Wittgenstain do they think they are anyway? supposed to build up my ethos from the philosophy depart- Since when does writing a pa- as ‘speaker who should not be ment was not on board. per about the Morgantown Se- vaporized with an enormous “Yeah, we’re actually just nior Center getting a new pool laser?’” planning on dipping and table constitute a science? Th e Eberly College of Arts leaving the rest of the col- When asked about the jus- and Sciences, ever the prob- lege behind. Th e engineering tifi cation for the giant death lem-solvers, were quick to students off ered us a depart- laser, which now sits atop the track down a solution. ment in the basement of Lin- WVU Engineering Sciences “Basically, we asked the coln Hall, and we think we’re Building, Jorgensson had this philosophy department if it going to take it,” Wittgenstain to say: could help out because we said. “Wait, you’re not going to STAFF PHOTO “Justifi cation? Please, that had nowhere else to go. We write that down, are you? No? A rough mockup of what would happen if the laser were to be engaged. thought maybe the logic pro- OK, good.” THURSDAY APRIL 1, 2021 APRIL FOOLS’ 7 ALL CONTENT IS FOR APRIL FOOLS’ DAY AND IS SATIRICAL. The best places to cry on campus

naeum is here to help you out. BY PAPA ROT C. Crying soothes the soul. It takes away the pain like noth- ing else. If you’re down on your luck and struggling to Whether you just walked fi nd a good spot for a much- out of a physics test, your needed sob session, here are partner broke up with you or the best places to cry around maybe you just stubbed your West Virginia University, toe, sometimes you just need home of Mountaineer tears. a good cry. Th e Daily Athe-

Sit under the Mountainlair stairs for a good weep. People in the Chik-fi l-A line might Scurry away after a vicious chemistry test to this plant greenhouse on the top of the look at you weird, but really who cares? When you’ve got to get it out, you’ve got to Life Sciences Building. Sit among the plants and soak in the pink light. get it out. Chair not necessarily provided.

It’s a Friday night. The music is pounding. You and your Sigma Phi Nu Lou Who brothers are dancing with some hot chicks. Suddenly, your mom calls: your In between virtual DNA swabs and distilled water measuring, spare a tear or two. No one can hear you. It’s just you and a virtual chemistry lab. grandmother just died. What better place for a cry?

The third fl oor of Woodburn is home to a quiet small corridor (and the political sci- There’s no place to cry like the center of campus. Huddle in between the fl ower beds Sometimes you just need to be alone. To be clear, we’re not saying you should sneak ence department). It’s in the center of campus and an excellent place for a quick cry and let loose in the traffi c noise. into an active construction site. But if you do, you would likely fi nd some solitude in in between classes. the Reynolds Hall construction site. THURSDAY APRIL 1, 2021 APRIL FOOLS’ 8 ALL CONTENT IS FOR APRIL FOOLS’ DAY AND IS SATIRICAL. Coaching hiatus possible after Huggins nets world-record trout

BY RICHARD N. BALLS ternoon at Cheat Lake on Sun- day and was attempting to MANSCAPER catch fi sh with just his hands, but after only a few catches, West Virginia head basket- he switched back to his fi sh- ball coach Bob Huggins has ing poles. always had a love for fish- “I started catching fi sh with ing, and he has accomplished just my hands about two years one of its greatest feats as he ago and it’s become really caught a 73.1-pound lake trout easy,” Huggins said. “Honestly, to break the world record. I don’t get why a lot of people Th e former record was held can’t do it that way all the time. by Lloyd Bull who caught a Maybe my fi shing abilities are 72-pound trout in 1995. Hug- just superior.” gins was amazed with the Huggins defi nitely has an weight, but believes his dedi- advantage over many fish- cation to his favorite pastime ermen now with his record has fi nally paid off . catch. Th e future Hall of Fame “I’ve always really enjoyed head basketball coach has fi shing, and I try to not get too accomplished some incred- competitive, but that’s who ible milestones in the last I am,” Huggins said. “It was few weeks with his 900th ca- amazing because we were reer win when WVU defeated only out there for a couple of Morehead State on March 19. STAFF PHOTO hours and I usually have to Now, Huggins joins another Bob Huggins and his catch, the 73.1-pound award-winning trout. wait around half the day for list of elite people, but not on a catch. Pretty great day be- has assured the doubters that false words out at me, that’s fi shing abilities with this catch breaking records and garner- the hardwood. Th ere are ru- cause it beat my old record by all evidence is legitimate and fi ne,” Huggins said. “Just don’t right here.” ing national attention. mors that people believe the 50 pounds.” the trout weighed 73.1 pounds. do it when I’m out there on the Whatever Huggins decides, photos are fake, but Huggins Huggins had spent the af- “Look, if you want to throw water. I think I’ve proven my he clearly has a knack for Huggy Bear Barbecue Joint coming to Morgantown

BY JEAN GIRARD tinkering with a few recipes, this to open. Bob and I have and I have to say, the brisket is had a few dinners together at MEAT TENDERIZER mouth-watering delicious. Th e his place, and the brisket he fi rst bite I had of it really took makes is always delicious. I’m A new barbecue restaurant me to Flavortown.” glad other people are going to is coming to Morgantown later Fieri is well known for his get to try it,” Brown said. “You this year, and it’s being done work on the food channel with know, back when I was work- by one of the city’s fi nest. shows such as “Diners, Drive- ing at Troy down south, we West Virginia basketball ins and Dives” and “Guy’s Gro- had a lot of options with bar- head coach Bob Huggins an- cery Games.” becue. I feel like we do not nounced over Twitter on Th e Huggy Bear Barbecue have that here, so I’m ecstatic Wednesday that he will be Joint is set to open in early June that there will be here in town.” opening his own dive. with appearances from foot- Th e menu will not include “I am happy to announce ball head coach Neal Brown, hot dogs or chili, which has left that I will be opening the play-by-play announcer Tony some close to Huggins a little Huggy Bear Barbecue Joint Caridi and many more on upset. in early June,” Huggins’ tweet opening day. “As someone who went to read. “I have been around Coach ’s Moeller High (and In a Zoom press conference Huggins for a long time and I played quarterback), I am up- following the tweet, Huggins have never seen him this ded- set with the fact that Coach explained what the menu will icated to anything outside of will not be including food sim- look like and why he chose to basketball in my time here,” ilar to my hometown’s Sky- open a restaurant while still Caridi said. “I am honored to line Chili,” sophomore guard coaching . STAFF PHOTO be welcomed as a special guest Miles McBride said. “I tried to “The menu will include Huggins directing his chef like he directs his players on the court. for the grand opening.” get Coach to try some home- all of your favorite barbecue Morgantown currently has made Skyline, but he said it items such as brisket, pulled my fresh-caught fi sh, includ- the opening of his barbecue “I’m very excited to work a limited selection in barbe- looked terrible and refused to pork, chicken and ribs,” Hug- ing trout like the world-record place as he told reporters that with such an amazing guy who cue places with all of them be- put anything that resembles it gins said. “During the off sea- sized one I caught this past famous Food Network host is dedicated to making great ing farther off -campus. on the menu.” son, we will also be serving Sunday.” Guy Fieri will help with mak- food for this great city,” Fieri Huggins will have help with ing recipes for the menu. said. “We have already been “Man. I’m really excited for THURSDAY APRIL 1, 2021 ALL CONTENT IS FOR APRIL FOOLS’ DAY AND IS SATIRICAL. 9 NCAA drops Houston, adds WVU to Final Four as compensation for Holgorsen era

BY RON GIBSON In bowl games, Holgorsen sions about the possibility EXMOONSHINER was a combined 2-5 with his of replacing Houston with best victory coming in the the Mountaineers if Hous- 2012 Orange Bowl against ton made it to the Final Four. The Houston Cougars Clemson. Now that the Cougars accom- have made it to their first Fi- Now, due to the suffering plished that feat on Monday, nal Four since 1984, but that Holgorsen caused Mountain- the idea has become a reality. return trip might not last for eer fans on the football field, “Bob Huggins has put to- long as West Virginia is ex- head coach Bob Huggins and gether a fantastic team this pected to replace Houston in the WVU basketball team will year and we were very sorry its game against Baylor. take Houston’s place in the to see them lose in the sec- In its first NCAA Tour- Final Four, the NCAA an- ond round,” NCAA super- nament appearance since nounced Wednesday. visor of Texas schools John 2018, West Virginia rolled The Cougars are repre- Wayne said. “I think this is past Morehead State in the senting the same region that the only logical way to repay first round, but it was quickly WVU was in — the Midwest WVU fans for the pain they knocked out of the field region — and were slated went through over those against Syracuse two days to face the Bears on April eight seasons with Mr. Hol- later in the second round. 3 at Lucas Oil Stadium in gorsen leading the program. Now, West Virginia’s luck Indianapolis. Houston might want to con- may have turned around as “I’m glad that the commit- sider looking elsewhere for a it is expected that the Moun- tee made this decision to give head football coach prior to taineers will replace Hous- our guys a shot,” deputy ath- the 2021 season.” ton in the Final Four due to letics director for pumping West Virginia has re- Dana Holgorsen’s time in air in basketballs Mel Dan- mained in the bubble and Morgantown. iels said. “We deserve it, and will continue to prepare for Holgorsen, the current I think it’s only right this hap- Baylor, which it faced on head football coach at Hous- pens. I hate it for those guys March 2 in Morgantown. ton, spent eight seasons at and [Houston basketball WVU will have the opportu- the helm of West Virginia coach] Kelvin Sampson, but nity to avenge its overtime football, where he accumu- what can I say, we’re better.” loss to the Bears with a place lated a 61-41 overall record. Unlike the rest of the tour- in the National Champion- STAFF PHOTO Upon his hiring in 2011, Hol- nament field, when West Vir- ship at stake. Holgorsen during his early years at WVU. gorsen promised to develop ginia lost on March 21, it did Tipoff is at 5:14 p.m. and the WVU program into a na- not return home. The NCAA the game will be nationally tional title contender, but was already having discus- televised on CBS. he fell short of that tall task. 10 ALL CONTENT IS FOR APRIL FOOLS’ DAY AND IS SATIRICAL. THURSDAY APRIL 1, 2021 Brit Stratford brings ‘lad’ fad to men’s soccer

BY CHADWICK MOSS it is now since the Beatles ROYAL FAMILY CORRESPONDENT toured the United States back in the 1960s,” Huggins said. In January 2020, when West Stratford’s plan includes Virginia University hired Dan unveiling the word “lad” all Stratford to be the new men’s around the men’s soccer pro- soccer coach, it was expected gram at West Virginia. Th is in- a new culture to be brought to cludes putting “lad” on the the program as well as a lot of team’s uniforms and starting changes, but the one change lad cheers throughout the sta- that was not expected was the dium. Obviously with great use of the word “lad.” power comes great responsi- Stratford immediately came bility, and Stratford knows that in and tried to create his cul- he must deliver on the pitch ture. He wanted to be known if he wants fans to truly catch and remembered around Mor- onto the “lad” movement. gantown, similar to the likes of “I think by putting the word Neal Brown and Bob Huggins. on the uniforms we are really He thought what better way to showing the public who we are not only meet the people of as a program,” Stratford said. Morgantown but also to show “What cooler way to get this off who he is as a person than movement going and to tell all by starting the lad campaign. of our fans why the word ‘lad’ Th e “lad” campaign is one is so integral to us and that it of Stratford’s favorite things he helps us play winning soccer.” has done since taking the job Stratford’s plea to the pub- at WVU. He believes this cam- lic for this season and beyond paign will help his team bond is simple, he says. “At the end of the day, we as friends and help fans bond STAFF PHOTO are all cheering for the same with each other. Men’s soccer head coach Dan Stratford speaks at his introductory press conference on Jan. 25, 2020. “I feel like having the word team, so let’s be good lads ‘lad’ heard all around our facil- ford said. to get new signage all around and dif- town native, said he has not and help the lads out and ity and around the city makes Th e word can be heard all the city. You can see these ferent venues all throughout seen anything like this in a then bring that energy to the people excited about soccer across Morgantown. Stratford “lad” signs that have Stratford Morgantown. long time. lads’ games and then the ‘lad’ and excited about wanting to said he has worked closely pictured with Queen Elizabeth Head basketball coach Bob “I don’t think I have heard movement can take this pro- come and see us play,” Strat- with the athletic department at places such as High Street, Huggins, who is a Morgan- the word ‘lad’ being used like gram to the next level.” THURSDAY APRIL 1, 2021 ALL CONTENT IS FOR APRIL FOOLS’ DAY AND IS SATIRICAL. 11 12 ALL CONTENT IS FOR APRIL FOOLS’ DAY AND IS SATIRICAL. THURSDAY APRIL 1, 2021