Carlson Crazies loose school spirit Faculty Death Match: One says, “I ju st can’t bizarre competition face my spandex suit occurred over Easter anymore. ” See third page for story break!

er Volume 82, Issue 18 NPU Athletics Proud of New

b y C l a r k K e n t son was getting injured on the T h e D a ily P i .ANET STAFF WRITER field,” said Janie Carson, S ta d iu m mother of Quarterback Kevin he Homer administration Carson, “But this is out in traf­ unveiled plans for the fic. There is no honor in get­ Tnew football field yester­ ting injured off the field.” day. The new dome-shaped “This saves me so much stadium will be placed right time,” said Defensive Lineman next to Anderson Chapel. The Benny Jenson-Anderson. stadium will feature a remote­ “Now I can wake up 10 min­ controlled roof, reclining utes before each game instead chairs, and popcorn vendors of 15 minutes before.” will soon be hired as part of the Lily Johnson said, “I package deal. think it is a great idea to have “I think it’s a great idea! the stadium next to the chapel. The players can pray for vic­ I plan on praying for them in tory in the chapel right before the chapel during every game.” each game,” said North Park “This is ridiculous, Football Coach Robin Cooper. people,” said Margret Haefner. “Too many players got hit rac­ “Moving the stadium is not ing across the street at the last going to improve the team’s stadium. After the 12"' acci­ performance.” dent, we decided the problem “1 am positive that this was with the stadium’s loca­ stadium is the key to a winning ARRESTED!! tio n .” season,” said President Horner. 78% of North Park students caught with illegal plastic bottles, second page “1 can understand if my North Park University Changes Name!

b y F in c h Trustees meeting. “It’s great

E s t r a n g e d S t a f f W r i t e r what the name change will do for the school,” said Board member Kenneth Anderson, n an effort to increase diver­ “Now we will represent all the sity on campus, North Park parks. It finally gives meaning University has decided to to the word ‘University’”. Ichange its name once again. The effort to change the Effective June lsl, North Park, name began as a small will simply be known as Park grassroots movement among University. students. Especially influential “We really feel that was sophomore Jon Swanson. ‘North Park’ does not really “I was so shocked when I got represent the true diversity of here, and I saw how much di­ the School,” said Provost Mar­ versity was present on the cam­ b y L o i s L a n e ______“I was in between writing “Devil without garet Haefner, “What about all pus,” he said, “‘North Park,’ to T h e D a i l y P l a n e t S t a f f W r i t e r a Cause” and “I am the Bullgod” on the “Ameri­ those other parks out there? me just didn’t describe our rich can Bad—” tour when I realized that there are North Park leaves them out.” diversity. What about south id Rock is making a stop in Chicago so many scholarly issues concerning biblical The decision to change park, or even east park? Why during his latest tour to speak to North themes that deserve so much more of our atten­ the school’s name was ap­ KPark students about his latest research tion,” said Rock. proved at last month’s Board of continued on third page on imminent eschatology and cyclical apostasy. This miraculous display of divine inter­ Formerly known for his vulgar language, vention in Rock’s life came about as a result of less than admirable morals, and unusually dis­ his encounter with his girlfriend, Pamela Ander­ W ake up to G avin fo r gusting neglect of cutting his toenails, Kid Rock son. has turned his life around and begun to explore “If time allows, I really want to address your 8 a.m . lab. some of the most theologically profound ques­ the issue of the term ‘the Son of Man’ in the tions that dumbfound even certain North Park gospel of John.” NPU gets new bio faculty, second faculty members. N«dh Park Friday, April 5, 2002 S econd P age P ress 78% of New Bio North teaching team to Parkers join NPU faculty arrested! NP Planet dares

to ask... B Y T H E HEFFALUMPS A N D W o Q Z L E S Agent McGueery was a ...the really G uest W riters key player in the arrests and in important questions the interrogation. “The inter­ ampus was left empty ‘ rogation wasn’t pretty,” said ✓ % li\ the siloni 'k V.’ last T uesday night, A pril McGueery, “We had to resort 11 1 Why are the YELLOW C 2,5 when 1,949.25 North to using the song ‘It’s a Small so in i trucks really Park students were arrested for World’ over and over again.” orange? “possession of illegal plastic However, the feds did get ill Wh\ tin- letters YkK containers,” according to Agent the desired information. They on every zipper’ Ovid McGueery of the FBI. then called for back-up, and b y C l a r k K e n t stated in the fall semester. All As is known, the infa­ with the help of over two more If there is a legal size T h e D a il y P l a n e t S t a f f W r i t e r students will be required to take mous Nalgene bottle was out­ agents and an el camino, the paper, in the S1/2 X II the 4 hour bio class that will lawed on January 18, 1590 af­ rest of the hoodlums were ar­ papei illegal'.' 'ew Biology Teaching consist of earth science mate­ ter extensive consideration by rested, loaded into the vehicle, Why are ‘homework’ Team To Join North rial along with dissecting a gi­ the Roman Senate. “They are and brought to a nearby con­ and 'schuolwork’ more J . I FPark University Faculty raffe, performing a biopsy on a a menace to society,” quoted tainment center, where they or less synonyms, but This week a new teach­ mutated campus squirrel or fish one Senator. will await trial next month. noi homework' and ing team is joining the biology from the North Branch, and Apparently, the FBI had “I just wanted to fit in 'housework ' family of North Park. The head completion in the cloning of been tracking the highly active here!!” yelled one of the Why the nuiJiet'.' of the team is Nigel Pulsford, a Peter Pearson. If either of these Nalgene black market and arrestees as two agents hauled Who made up eus-. graduate of Boston University are not completed students will found that it was centralized him away. words- how did they and a former teacher at Arizona not be allowed to graduate. This here on the North Park campus “I just can't believe my bet i>mo b,n I u i the f11 ->1 State University. He is assisted applies to students that will be after following a tip given to own roommate was in posses­ by Robin Goodridge, a graduating in the Spring semes­ them while they were investi­ sion of one of those heinous Does synchronized Princeton University alum, ter of 2003; this means seniors gating the market in Madrid. water containers,” quoted the jci.i’leialioii strike Gavin Rossdale, an Oxford who are graduating next year The tip led them to Melissa roommate of Lindsay anyone else as a good University alum, and Dave Par­ will be required to take the Koster ’02, the head honcho of Strobridge ’02, who was one of solution in Iraflie son, who has not received an class. Sign up early since there the market. Koster has been the arrested Nalgene users. jams'? education. will be no waiting list available, quoted saying, “ Everybody “This is horrible,” said \\ h> dul a in vei The addition of the teach­ and the class can not be taken uses them anyway; therefore, President Horner, “This was all disturb us as children ing team is a part of the new as an independent study. they should be legalized.” Un­ happening under my nose, and that there was only 1 curriculum plan that will be in- female smurf’’ fortunately for Koster and the 1 never even caught a whiff of Why do dentists ask other 1948.25 Nalgene users it until 78% of my student bodyB you a question, then here at North Park, the bottles w as gone.” immediately stick their are not legal. The FBI has made it clear hands in your mouth? The FBI finally caught up that the campus will be under Again. wh\ the mullet1 with the ne’er-do-wells on strict supervision for the next0 S E N I O R S Why are they called Tuesday night, when they few months until all the hulla-| "m&ms" and not just busted into Koster’s basement, baloo of the arrests and trialsl “ms" when they have finding 10,000 kilos of Nalgene blows over. Class of 2002! only I in’ on each bottles stacked from floor to O candy? ceiling. They arrested her im­ You are Swing chafcrtftd fay N orth Rsrk's Why the random mediately and set to work ex­ Decalum §«srd to aetata a 50% tracting from her the names of patches of hair we call m«** in tiiit par® d i« gftl Should jfou r««h the rest of the 1948.25 students ■eyebrows' tfiit g m l, lit« Board will add to sdditionaJ involved. H J M to fe r n d m gift! This fear’s gift: The restoration of a portrait Death Match Rocks North Park o f Paul C a rls « fa r wfeoin C a rls « T w » r is named. He was a ffim io w y werfag w die b y Lois L a n e Style. Here’s a quick recap of Pent-up aggression from T h e D a il y P l a n e t s t a f f w r i t e r who came out on top: shunned Sohlberg channels Congo when h& was martyred jn ¡964. Gary Ireland vs. Saundra into a victory. Aefdtaona! gift merwy w il go to support hile most students va Hensel - Victor: Housing God­ Reagan Glover vs. Jana W orth ?&rk% Aimu&l Fund which helps to cationed for Easter, a dess Hensel. Have you seen D aschler - Victor: Apart­ jwovtele scholarships fo r stsisfertts. little-publicized those biceps? ment Prosecutor Glover. She For »ore iisformsMoft, talk to a member of the W Rev. Alise vs. Mark Olson - knows those rules! event turned faculty relation­ senior fift committee fated here Jed! Bassett, ships upside-down. In an un­ Victor: Fast-Talking Chapel Suzanne Greicar vs. Paul derground remake of MTV’s Queen Barrymore. Come on, Johnson - Victor: College Lauren Carison, Jessica C o^rave, Heather Celebrity Death Match, faculty she has a personal trainer! Life Mogul Johnson. Pulls Loytscfc, Zrta Mdtasr,Adaw Moore,. ¡Crist« members entered the ring and Matt Dyment vs. David through with the aid of stu­ Rae Nelson, Mark Safstrom, Katie Steinman, battled one another for the title G lo v er-Victor: Dungeons and dent followers. Nate Stoekamp, and Alicia \ferHage. of champion—North Park Dragons Wizard Lord Dyment. ■■■■■■■■■■■■■mm ^ MÊÊmËM 1 1 rill,iv . Vim il » Saturday« ¿Pill t Sunday* April i H i nda% A pril h

7 pm- Co-ed mud wrestling. Get your Noon- 98th Annual North Park 11 am - All-Campus Worship in Burah 2N 8 pm- SA presents New Kids on the teams together! Von Steuben field. Equestrian Championships: Anderson Showers Block; Viking Hall North Branch community bath roof immediately following. Afternoon - Easter Ess Hunt: 1 D oint Midnight - Underwater Basket Jr'' I 'v U l for this year’s eggs, 2 for last year’s, Weaving; North Park Pool and 10 for anything over 5 years old. N«dh Park Frkjay, April 5,2002 T hird P age P ress Southern man your P&iltj tyoroscoye. falls into Cupola ■ m m urinal, finds Aries (March 21 -April 19)- Libra (September 23-October Don't go outside today. Beware 23)- Don’t leave your home ATIONMl& lJ IP M enjoyment of man in gray jacket. alone. CONYERS

b y B i l l i e J e a n V ■ , , : . , ■ ■ S p e c i a l C orrespondant Taurus (April 20-May 20)- Your Scorpio (October 24-November 21)- Keep your cell phone on middle aged man roommate has a nasty secret. from Macon, Georgia Better find out before it’s too at 2:36. Not answering will have repercussions you will not fell into a public uri­ late. A be prepared to deal with. nal late Tuesday evening. Bob Grange had visited the Good Times Tavern on a Gemini (May 21-June 21)- That ft number of occasions, but pain in your left arm is real. Sagittarius (November 22- Tuesday was the first time he D on't ignore it. December 21)- Don’t read the had fallen into the bar’s uri­ paper today. nal. When asked about the ex­ Q ■ p r '■* perience, Grange com­ Cancer (June 22-July 22)- mented, “At first I was Watch out for blue vans. Capricorn (December 22- shocked, but the flushing January 19)- Stay away from the “Sam water turned out to be rather hump at ALL ODDS! Remember the grassy knoll... enjoyable.” The Good Times’ Leo (July 23-August 22)- urinal was installed four Inspect your food very carefully Wagoner.” years ago by the bar’s owner, today. Aquarius (January 20-February Lupe, and is respected as being one IJvi m m and Rachael, future of the best urinating recep­ 18)- Today will be the best day 4 tacles on the market. Upon Virgo (August 23-September of your life! N P U c la ss o f 2 0 2 0 being asked if he would ever 22)- Run. Far Far away. consider falling into a urinal Viewpoints expressed in the again. Grange answered, Pisces (February 19- March newspaper are not necessarily “Next time, I don’t think I’ll 20)- If someone asks you for the opinions of North Park your ID card FLEE! FLEE! fall.” Have fun Bob. University or of the Press. FLEE! • ' ; ■. v: ■ v Sports R ound-U p L ac ro sse shaving points they would be enjoyable. Especially because Park University aptain Hill Billy was walking into the playoffs right the Sharks, team rival, are now C kicked out of his fifth now. And for Liam, well, he the last place team in the con­ continued from first page about the change, at first,” said straight game for starting a knows how it feels to swim ference instead of the Vikings. were they left out? I said to Junior Beth Anderson, “ I me.an fight with an opposing player with cement flippers,” said lo­ “Hweh shtupdwe,” said Cap­ myself, this has got to change.” it’s always been North Park to on the field. “That degenerate, cal gangster Don Ciccio. The tain Whiz. Translation: bad­ Months of protests me, but then I realized how no good, punk was making fun Don makes major donations to minton rocks! among students, including a selfish of me it was, to not want o f my nam e, and I d o n ’t stand the school, and still refuses to Coed Wrestling violent incident in the ARA, the name to change and include for any of that bull,” said Billy. admit that Tom Ciccio Jr., a his w eekend will be the first finally caught the attention of all the parks that are out there. Billy had three goals giving North Park University graduat­ Tever guys and girls sport the administration. “At first I The more I think about it, the him the school record in goals, ing senior, is his son. “I didn’t competing together and against was a little leery about the better I realize it will be for the but he also holds the record in think that Don Ciccio was se­ each-other. “I feel this is a time change, I mean we’ve always school.” penalties. “Hill Billy is a great rious about having our legs bro­ for Todd to learn more tactics been North Park,” said Univer­ The name change will athlete, he is also a loose can­ ken if we didn’t cover the and expand his knowledge of sity President David Horner, lead to some logistical prob­ non. The team needs him to get spread,” said Chuck “Stopper” wrestling diversity,” said Mrs. “But the more I thought about lems for the school, though. It his name changed if we are ever Anderson. The “Stopper” was Stevens, mother of Todd it the more sense it made. I take has left some departments going to win a National Title. on his way to Olympic status “Sweet Cheeks” Stevens. The frequent trips down to Lincoln scrambling to change the What I do care about is that he before legs broken. The cover North Park Vikings are taking Park, and I began to think, school’s name on everything is the top scorer on the team, was Vikings -7 and a half. on their sister school Queen of ‘what about them?’ Plus, I have from computer mouse pads to and we have usually already They were hooked winning 14­ all Men who surprisingly have to admit, Park University just the Frisbees of the admissions won by the time he gets kicked 7. ' a wrestler in every division of has a great ring to it.” department. “Those Frisbees out of the game,” said Coach Badminton weight classes. “Those sissies The reaction among stu­ are vital to the promotion of the Seemore Butz. The Vikings ast weekend at the National over at North Park are never dents has seemed mostly posi­ school,” said Vice-President for take on school nemesis the Ti­ LChampionship Badminton going to know what hit them,” tive, and the name change has Admission and Financial Aid gers of Oak Lawn with Hill Tournament the NPU Vikings said Angela “Robust” Starks. met little resistance. “I’ve al­ John Baworowsky, “but we’re Billy this weekend. The win­ couldn’t partake in the tourna­ The Vikings have a solid team ways been ashamed to tell my confident that we can get new ner will play in the Champion­ ment because they were held nucleus. “The guys, oh sorry, friends I go to North Park Uni­ ones ordered in time.” ship game next Wednesday. captive. Wisconsinites found and girls are really gelling to­ versity,” said senior Joe “Although we will have Ultimate Frisbee the team warming up on an an­ gether, and the guys aren’t shy Johnson, “because every time a different name, Park Univer­ he Frisbee team has to can cient dairy farm. The Wiscon­ about showing the girls new I would they would respond sity will continue in its mission Tcel the rest of the their sea­ sinites were turned on by the techniques,” said Coach ‘what is that, like, South Park of educating the leaders of to­ son due to the fact that each rackets and birdies that the Simpson. The success of this University?’. It was all thanks morrow,” said Haefner, “and player has two broken legs. team provided, not to mention sport is y^ddemiined, although to that stupid cartoon,” he con­ will continue to find ways to Ironically enough, the school the cheddar squares the team many 4|hleTis|are excited to tinued, “But now when my promote our diversity and make bookie Liam Taylor is missing snacked on. The team entered stand talp#ffig'% ipning podi­ friends ask about South Park, I Park University a place where and isn’t taking bets for.. .ever. the tournament in last place; um s. • can say it too is included in the everyone can feel at home.” “That was a good team, and if however, its fondest memories diversity of Park University.” they weren’t so cocky about of badminton will always be “I was a little skeptical

Vii. Itii il > We. liu il 1J

10 am- Chapel: Pee-Wee Herman 10 pm- Lee and the employees of The 10 am- Chapel. Bobbv Knieht speaks on 7 pm- More wrestling. Mud optional. speaks on 'The Innoncence of Youth”; Wood come to engage in a "nice "The Peace Within” Please, oh plea#/®\please! Commuter Lounge roundtable discussion” TBA- Freshman Streak; Meet behind i Ohlson Ngwih Park Friclgy, April 5, 2002 F ourth P age P ress

To aid the infer-active learners in.our readership, trg this with April bring May your friends: have one person fill in the blanks with corresponding plural noun plural noun word suggestions from others who do not read the article until it Spring is finally here! And with it comes many birds and flowers. adjective adjective is complete. Remember, the more outrageous the better!

All that is great, but my truly favorite part of comes with grilling ___ Season animal or plant

Especially during these first few ____ months of Spring, I just love getting together Crossword

adjective ACROSS 1 2 3 4 6 7 8 10 11 12 13 all the charcoal and . to put on the grill to make it nice and. . Next 1 Vamoose! • 14 5 6 Hook’s end adjective 10 Woven net 17 118 1 14 Bloodsucking we add the food: well-seasoned _ , is the best to grill, I usually use. parasite 20 1 22 animal or plant seasoning or spice 15 Thought 16 Montreal 2 3 24 25 26Ü 27 ballplayer and . to marinade over-night; if you don’t have tim e,. hours should be 17 Head over heels 28 29 30 31 32 Seasoning or spice number 19 Las Vegas 33 ■ 35 36 37 38 Illumination 20 Over-the-counter 39 40 41 ■<12 enough. After that come the side dishes; some spring favorites include. sale « adjective 21 Scott Joplin tune 43 44 45 46 22 Accurate M 48 49 salad and macaroni and 23 Waves of grain _, but let’s not forget the ice cold. ! W hile color 50 51 52 53 54 .food liquid 25 Old-time comic Arbuckle 55 56 57 58 59 sipping on the glass o f. , and waiting for the food to cook, it’s time to get dressed 26 Bug off! 60 same liquid 30 Trial 61 62 63 64 65 32 Church ritual 35 Stroll jauntily 66 67 68 in your favorite spring clothing. Think pastel especially in your _, the 39 Newspaper chief 69 70 71 color piece of clothing 40 Short nap 41 Hopelessness 1 © 2002 Tribune Media Services, Inc 04 05/02 43 Main film All rights reserved. / rest should just fall together from there. For women, a(n). . skirt with a light 44 Vial adjective 46 Lat. list-ender 47 Nautical 6 Bridge action distances are nice for Spring; and for men, a casual. with a(n). 7 Worshiper . linen 50 Requirements 8 Profits piece oj clothing . piece of clothing ' adjective 53 System before 9 Slam loudly D ue to some stereo 10 Item to be kept is always a good choice. Now you are ready to eat your spring dinner, but 54 Infraction of the In mind unfortunate happenings piece o f clothing faithful 11 Act vigorously 55 For a moment 12 Gush forth uje are unable to bring 60 Starter chips 13 Pooh food you th e solution to last before you begin, remember to . . on it, grilled food is always. ! 61 Penicillin or 18 Horror-film street verb adjective streptomycin 24 Tarzan’s son tueeK's crossw ord puzzle. 63 Sharp 25 Animals 64 Mix 26 Coaster with W e're sure you got it all North Park Planet New Curriculum Dictionary 65 Meat runners 66 Money right anyway! Senior Capstone: The crown- psych, or chic, 27 Secrete Citizenship: In this everything 28 Singer Redding mg achievement, students re- Aesthetic Experience:_ C lose class all students 67 Foot bottom 29 Kind of clinic ceive a crown at the end of the your eyes, imagine yourself will learn how to 68 Musical beat 31 Tranquil rest 33 Checks out the semester. surrounded by impressionism, become ideal US DOWN terrain North Park Dialogue: Kind of next you’re floating through citizens; all interna­ 1 Pronounce 34 Hold fast 47 Uniform cloth green indistinctly 36 Brazen solicitor like debate class, only there is cubism—feel the media as you tional students and/ 48 Baseball teams 57 Object 2 Persevere 37 Pound of poetry 49 Repeatedly 58 Speech no boat, and you do not actu- run your paint-stained hands or illegal aliens will 3 Corrosion 38 Virginia__ 51 Just a touch Imperfection 4 Where China Is ally go anywhere. over the potter’s wheel. Expe- receive US citizen- 42 Collide with 52 Satirist Jonathan 59 Sympathetic 5 TV, radio, 43 Price asked 54 Mouth off response Curriculum Instruction Com- rience the richness of each hue, ship, newspapers, etc. 45 Soup legume 56 Target on the 62 Fury mittee: a.k.a. CIC; may be pro- each photograph, each land- nounced sick or sic, chick, kick, scape. Become art. Ravenswood Covenant Church For me, the most challenging 4900 N. Damen Ave. 784-7091 thing about college is paying -Worship and serve God in a growing urban church ups fo r it. -Sunday college/career class: 9:30 with Peter VerHage That's where UPS lends a Hand, with money for my education, plus good -Sunday Worship: 10:45 with fellowship afterward pay and other benefits, including a schedule that fits my classes. . PACKAGE HANDLERS Embracing Neighbors with God’s Love Steady, Part-Time Jobs • $8.50-$9.50/hour ♦ Weekends & Holidays Off Paid Vacations » Consistent Work Schedule * Great Benefits

North Pcifk Planet DOWNTOWN CHICAGO {1400 S. Jefferson St. • loop} %f Earn& Ph: 312-997-3749 La Jefe ADDISON Wouldn't You Like to Know Learn Student Financial {Army Trail & Lombard Rds.J The Don Assistance Package Ph; 630-628-3737 The Dancing Queen Pharoh T ** Q NORTHBROOK Aphrodite, Cupid, Neptune SI 10 % 2 £ 0 fShermer & Willow Rd».) Peter Parker Q. O * E. § 3 Ph: 847-480-6788 v>> * I Peanut, Marshmallow, Nouget g. $ O PALATINE o Q ¡Hicks & Rand Rds.) natory n at: — & Ph: 847-705-6025

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