Carlson Crazies loose school spirit Faculty Death Match: One says, “I ju st can’t bizarre competition face my spandex suit occurred over Easter anymore. ” See third page for story break! er Volume 82, Issue 18 NPU Athletics Proud of New b y C l a r k K e n t son was getting injured on the T h e D a ily P i .ANET STAFF WRITER field,” said Janie Carson, S ta d iu m mother of Quarterback Kevin he Homer administration Carson, “But this is out in traf­ unveiled plans for the fic. There is no honor in get­ Tnew football field yester­ ting injured off the field.” day. The new dome-shaped “This saves me so much stadium will be placed right time,” said Defensive Lineman next to Anderson Chapel. The Benny Jenson-Anderson. stadium will feature a remote­ “Now I can wake up 10 min­ controlled roof, reclining utes before each game instead chairs, and popcorn vendors of 15 minutes before.” will soon be hired as part of the Lily Johnson said, “I package deal. think it is a great idea to have “I think it’s a great idea! the stadium next to the chapel. The players can pray for vic­ I plan on praying for them in tory in the chapel right before the chapel during every game.” each game,” said North Park “This is ridiculous, Football Coach Robin Cooper. people,” said Margret Haefner. “Too many players got hit rac­ “Moving the stadium is not ing across the street at the last going to improve the team’s stadium. After the 12"' acci­ performance.” dent, we decided the problem “1 am positive that this was with the stadium’s loca­ stadium is the key to a winning ARRESTED!! tio n .” season,” said President Horner. 78% of North Park students caught with illegal plastic bottles, second page “1 can understand if my North Park University Changes Name! b y F in c h Trustees meeting. “It’s great E s t r a n g e d S t a f f W r i t e r what the name change will do for the school,” said Board member Kenneth Anderson, n an effort to increase diver­ “Now we will represent all the sity on campus, North Park parks. It finally gives meaning University has decided to to the word ‘University’”. Ichange its name once again. The effort to change the Effective June lsl, North Park, name began as a small will simply be known as Park grassroots movement among University. students. Especially influential “We really feel that was sophomore Jon Swanson. ‘North Park’ does not really “I was so shocked when I got represent the true diversity of here, and I saw how much di­ the School,” said Provost Mar­ versity was present on the cam­ b y L o i s L a n e _________ “I was in between writing “Devil without garet Haefner, “What about all pus,” he said, “‘North Park,’ to T h e D a i l y P l a n e t S t a f f W r i t e r a Cause” and “I am the Bullgod” on the “Ameri­ those other parks out there? me just didn’t describe our rich can Bad—” tour when I realized that there are North Park leaves them out.” diversity. What about south id Rock is making a stop in Chicago so many scholarly issues concerning biblical The decision to change park, or even east park? Why during his latest tour to speak to North themes that deserve so much more of our atten­ the school’s name was ap­ KPark students about his latest research tion,” said Rock. proved at last month’s Board of continued on third page on imminent eschatology and cyclical apostasy. This miraculous display of divine inter­ Formerly known for his vulgar language, vention in Rock’s life came about as a result of less than admirable morals, and unusually dis­ his encounter with his girlfriend, Pamela Ander­ W ake up to G avin fo r gusting neglect of cutting his toenails, Kid Rock son. has turned his life around and begun to explore “If time allows, I really want to address your 8 a.m . lab. some of the most theologically profound ques­ the issue of the term ‘the Son of Man’ in the tions that dumbfound even certain North Park gospel of John.” NPU gets new bio faculty, second faculty members. N«dh Park Friday, April 5, 2002 S econd P age P ress 78% of New Bio North teaching team to Parkers join NPU faculty arrested! NP Planet dares to ask... B Y T H E HEFFALUMPS A N D W o Q Z L E S Agent McGueery was a ...the really G uest W riters key player in the arrests and in important questions the interrogation. “The inter­ ampus was left empty ‘ rogation wasn’t pretty,” said ✓ % li\ the siloni 'k V.’ last T uesday night, A pril McGueery, “We had to resort 11 1 Why are the YELLOW C 2,5 when 1,949.25 North to using the song ‘It’s a Small so in i trucks really Park students were arrested for World’ over and over again.” orange? “possession of illegal plastic However, the feds did get ill Wh\ tin- letters YkK containers,” according to Agent the desired information. They on every zipper’ Ovid McGueery of the FBI. then called for back-up, and b y C l a r k K e n t stated in the fall semester. All As is known, the infa­ with the help of over two more If there is a legal size T h e D a il y P l a n e t S t a f f W r i t e r students will be required to take mous Nalgene bottle was out­ agents and an el camino, the paper, in the S1/2 X II the 4 hour bio class that will lawed on January 18, 1590 af­ rest of the hoodlums were ar­ papei illegal'.' 'ew Biology Teaching consist of earth science mate­ ter extensive consideration by rested, loaded into the vehicle, Why are ‘homework’ Team To Join North rial along with dissecting a gi­ the Roman Senate. “They are and brought to a nearby con­ and 'schuolwork’ more J . I FPark University Faculty raffe, performing a biopsy on a a menace to society,” quoted tainment center, where they or less synonyms, but This week a new teach­ mutated campus squirrel or fish one Senator. will await trial next month. noi homework' and ing team is joining the biology from the North Branch, and Apparently, the FBI had “I just wanted to fit in 'housework ' family of North Park. The head completion in the cloning of been tracking the highly active here!!” yelled one of the Why the nuiJiet'.' of the team is Nigel Pulsford, a Peter Pearson. If either of these Nalgene black market and arrestees as two agents hauled Who made up eus-. graduate of Boston University are not completed students will found that it was centralized him away. words- how did they and a former teacher at Arizona not be allowed to graduate. This here on the North Park campus “I just can't believe my bet i>mo b,n I u i the f11 ->1 State University. He is assisted applies to students that will be after following a tip given to own roommate was in posses­ by Robin Goodridge, a graduating in the Spring semes­ them while they were investi­ sion of one of those heinous Does synchronized Princeton University alum, ter of 2003; this means seniors gating the market in Madrid. water containers,” quoted the jci.i’leialioii strike Gavin Rossdale, an Oxford who are graduating next year The tip led them to Melissa roommate of Lindsay anyone else as a good University alum, and Dave Par­ will be required to take the Koster ’02, the head honcho of Strobridge ’02, who was one of solution in Iraflie son, who has not received an class. Sign up early since there the market. Koster has been the arrested Nalgene users. jams'? education. will be no waiting list available, quoted saying, “ Everybody “This is horrible,” said \\ h> dul a in vei The addition of the teach­ and the class can not be taken uses them anyway; therefore, President Horner, “This was all disturb us as children ing team is a part of the new as an independent study. they should be legalized.” Un­ happening under my nose, and that there was only 1 curriculum plan that will be in- female smurf’’ fortunately for Koster and the 1 never even caught a whiff of Why do dentists ask other 1948.25 Nalgene users it until 78% of my student bodyB you a question, then here at North Park, the bottles w as gone.” immediately stick their are not legal. The FBI has made it clear hands in your mouth? The FBI finally caught up that the campus will be under Again. wh\ the mullet1 with the ne’er-do-wells on strict supervision for the next0 S E N I O R S Why are they called Tuesday night, when they few months until all the hulla-| "m&ms" and not just busted into Koster’s basement, baloo of the arrests and trialsl “ms" when they have finding 10,000 kilos of Nalgene blows over. Class of 2002! only I in’ on each bottles stacked from floor to O candy? ceiling.