“Keep the Cat Free”

12/10/12 Issue 1526 felixonline.co.uk A university to challenge? How does Imperial compare to the elite universities. See pages 5-6 for where we stand. Babar Ahmad extradited Inside...>> Former Imperial POLITICS employee now in USA Barbar Ahmad, while speak- ing to the BBC this year High Court refused last minute application Aemun Reza News Editor Has Ed got the elect Babar Ahmad has been extradited to factor? 10 the United States after the High Court >> refused to review his case. Last month, the European Court of Human Rights (ECHR) gave its fi nal approval for the extradition. At a federal district court MUSIC hearing in New Haven, Connecticut, Babar Ahmad pleaded not guilty and is currently in custody. Mr Ahmad has been held in prison in the UK for eight years without trial. He was arrested in 2004, imprisoned like to thank all those over the years mad was immediately extradited that over the High Court’s refusal of the under the Extradition Act 2003, and who supported me and my family: evening to the United States. Th e Eu- judicial review, said, “After over 40 has been detained ever since. He had lawyers, politicians, journalists and ropean Court of Human’s rights ruled years of paying taxes in this country, been arrested due to allegations that members of the public from all walks that there would be “no violation of I am appalled that the system has let he was involved in terrorist activity of life. By exposing the fallacy of the the applicants” rights if they were to me down in a manner more befi tting through a website hosted in America. UK’s extradition arrangements with be extradited for a trial in America of a third world country than one of Babar Ahmad’s brother-in-law Fa- the US, I leave with my head held high and therefore rejected a request for the world’s old- The French do it had Ahmad read a statement on his having won the moral victory”. the referral of Babar Ahmad’s case to est democracies… behalf, in which he said, “Today I have A last minute appeal for a judicial the Grand Chamber. It seems that the 3 (Radio) well >>25 lost my 8 year and 2 month battle review at the British High Court was Babar Ahmad’s father, Ashfaq Ah- Metropolitan po- against extradition to the US. I would denied on 5th October and Babar Ah- mad, who was extremely disappointed lice, the CPS and >> FILM Con man near campus takes student’s money

Tim Arbabzadah Editor-in-Chief time, asked if the student knew the and paid the driver £15 upfront. Th e iPod or double the amount of money area. Th e man was described by the American man regaled the student asked. Th e student said that at this student as middle-aged with white/ with information to implicitly suggest point “I tried to hide my surprise at Last Th ursday 4 October at around dark hair, is in his 40s, and was well that he was to be trusted; one such the rapidly deteriorating situation, 10:30am, a student at Imperial College dressed. Th e man reportedly also piece of information was that he was and said I didn’t want to profi t, I just London has had £70 taken by a confi - spoke in an American accent and told in the US Marine Corps. wanted to help him.” Th e student dence trickster. the student that his car was impound- Th e American man then wanted withdrew £70 to Th e student, who wished to not be ed on Cromwell Road. Th e student the student to pay for the car to be give to the man, Are you game to named, was approached by a man on pointed him in the right direction, released, claiming that his credit card saying that “by this 38 the corner of Queen’s Gate Place. Th e but the American man insisted that was not working. Th e student was stage... the loss of 3 read this? >> man, who was on the phone at the they take minicab to the car pound, promised that he would receive an £70 was probably >> 2 FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER EDITOR’S PICKS 34 6 17 HANGMAN >> FEATURE >> FASHION >> Twatter is right RPS at Imperial Fashion week See what Obie is up to this Finally, the moment This week we report back week. Many of you may have that literally no-one on the Fashion Weeks that spotted the terrible error last thought would come are going on. It includes the week. This week there aren’t to Imperial (as they (I’m told the correct word is) any such atrocities. had never heard of it). chicest toddler ever.

CLASSIFIEDS Medical Summarizer Wanted League tables Looking for 4th, 5th or 6th year medical student with medical understanding. 15 hours a week. Crompton Medical Centre London W2 1ND For further details please contact Mr. Faisal Ahmed on 07776126204 Tim Arbabzadah Job Description - Sum marizing all medical letters and discharge summaries from Secondary Care (Hospitals) into the medical records for each patient at Editor-in-Chief the practice, clinical software used is EMIS LV.

All Saints Church, Fulham This week, we have painstakingly (sort versity a good university. In my humble come in with high grades and don’t get Altos wanted of) gone through all of the league ta- opinion, sometimes a name of an insti- a fi rst, to me, that indicated that the The choir of All Saints Fulham is an excellent, semi-professional choir of ap- bles so you can see where we stand. tution proceeds it, and they can always course is pretty tough going. proximately 20 amateur, auditioned singers. Also, importantly, you can see where count on being thought of as excellent. Imperial is very high in most of the We are currently looking to expand our alto section. The choir sings weekly your subject is placed. I hope it’s inter- I’m not convinced that, at this point in tables. This indicates that we are, in- Sunday Eucharists, with sung Mass settings on feast days, and Choral Even- esting and that you enjoy the pretty in- time, the wider public are as intently deed, a truly great university (with a songs. The positions would be ideal for, but are by no means restricted to, fographics. We’ve tried to strip out the aware of who Imperial are. truly great newspaper...). In my mind, a young professional, or London student looking for somewhere friendly to boring waffl ing from us and just give When discussing league tables it re- considering we are consistently within, sing, but which provides a high standard of music making. you the facts and fi gures. ally is impossible to not talk about The at least, the top 30 in the world, I fi nd it This term’s music includes a Bach cantata Evensong with orchestra, masses by League tables are a tough one re- Guardian really. They have become odd to think that I could have been ac- Palestrina, Vierne and Briggs, Howells’ Reqiuem, and the world premiere of a ally. It’s impossible to really measure notorious (sort of, well, amongst me cidentally allowed to waltz in through composition by Francis Pott, as well as the usual cathedral-style anthems and how good a university is. It’s defi nitely at least) for the use of their strange, the doors. It’s a surreal feeling looking settings. not an exact science at all. The main stupid, and downright absurd “Value at those tables and fi gures and think- The choir is extremely welcoming, and has a busy social life! The director of problem is that a lot of it can be subjec- Added Bullshit” (actually called “Value ing “hey, I am at one of the best uni- music is always interested in hearing from prospective singers, and is very tive, and some parts can be swayed by Added Score”, but that gets the gist of versities in the world”. Well, according happy to chat about any aspects of the position. people massaging the truth like their it across). What happens with this is to what we found, you are. Now pat Jonathan Wikeley (Director of Music) working on a pleasure cruise. By this I that it takes your entry tariff (your IB, yourself on the back. Now stop pat- [email protected], tel: 07966 969 746 mean both the academic assessment A levels, whatever you needed to get ting yourself on the back as people are http://www.allsaints-fulham.org.uk/music.htm and the NSS. The NSS is, of course, in) and then looks at the degree you watching you and you look slightly odd. the most subjective, and the most achieve from your university. It then However, my only perception of a open to people attempting to cheat says that if you get very low grades degree is actually this one that I have their university into a higher slot. I don’t at A Level and come out with a high done. How can I know what a degree blame people for that. Wanting to have grade at university, then the university is like elsewhere? How can I say that a high value degree and excellent job is excellent at teaching. This is, to put it chemistry (which is what I “studied”) LOLCATZ OF TEH WEEK: Finding these is a perk of the job prospects because of it isn’t exactly a mildly, a bit of an odd perspective. The is not better at, say, Bristol, or even (I crime. question that I’m sure you’re shouting shudder at the thought) UCL? The It really does boil down to what you into your sandwich is “couldn’t that reason I close with this statement is to say it actually is that makes an insti- just mean that the course is really piss give you a word of caution to pass on to tution good. It could be the teach- easy?”. The answer, that I’m hastily everyone that will listen. Don’t blindly ing standards, the satisfaction of the writing on a Thursday night with too take ranking tables to be absolute fact students, the quality of the research. much caffeine and too little sleep, is and undeniable truth. There’s method There are many different factors that yes. I really think that it does mean that to the madness, but is it the correct all contribute towards making a uni- the degree is not as challenging. If you method?

Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Email: [email protected]. Tel: 020 7594 8072. Fax: 020 7594 8065. THIS BROUGHT Printed by Iliffe Print Cambridge, Winship Road, Cambridge. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2012. WEEK WASTO YOUBY Editor-in-Chief Tim Arbabzadah Deputy Editor Saskia Verhagen Assistant Editor Matt Colvin News Editor Aemun Reza Features Editors Caroline Wood, Stephen Smith Business Editor Deepka Rana Science Editors Philip Kent, Laurence Pope, Philippa Skett Politics Editors Padraic Calpin, Marie-Laure Hicks Food Editors Carol Ann Cheah, Sophia Goldberg, Yiango Mavrocostanti Clubs & Societies Editor VACANT APPLY NOW Comment Editors George Barnett, Navid Nabijou, James Simpson Fashion Editors Alex Ramadan, Saskia Verhagen, Alice Yang Arts Editors Eva Rosenthal, Meredith Thomas Books Editor Maciej Matuszewski Music Editors Mark England, Ross Gray, Simon Hunter, Íñigo Martínez De Rituerto Television Editor Lucia Podhorska Film Editors John Park, Katy Bettany Games Editor Ross Webster Technology Editor Jason Parmar Coffee Break Boss Matt Colvin Travel Editor VACANT APPLY NOW! Sports Editors Oli Benton, Sorcha Cotter, Margot Pikovsky Online Editors Philip Kent, Jonathan Kim Puzzles Commander Sotirios Karamitsos Copy Chief Annina Sartor Copy Editors Al Norman, Matt Colvin, Christopher Witham, Chris Richardson, Laurence de Lussy Kubisa, Lizzy Griffiths, Julia Gherman, Dan Wan Illustrators Lizzy Griffiths, Outi Supponen FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER 3

News Editor: Aemun Reza [email protected] NEWS Constitution changes to be discusssed Full changes to the Union is structured and governed. would all be appointed. Th ey would Th e changes proposed this time be the Lay Trustees, College Gover- The camera man was be circulated around are diff erent do not include nor, Life Member, and two appointed leaning against a wall the Deputy President (Finance & Ser- Student Trustees. Th e Student Trus- to look effortlessly cool vices) no longer being a position. tees would be appointed by being put by Monday Th e Representation & Welfare forward by the Appointments and Re- Board (RWB) would be split into two munerations Committee, ratifi ed by Agreed to in in the changes. Th ese would be the Council, and approved by the Trustee Education & Representation Board, Board. Any Trustee could be removed principle by where offi cers who are dealing with by a 2/3rd vote of Council. representation would sit, and the Th e Trustee Board would no longer Council Communities & Welfare Board, where have 4 Student Trustees voted by the welfare offi cers would sit. entire student body, and the Court Changes to Th e composition of Executive Com- Chair would no longer have a place. mittee has also been proposed to Another change is that the RSM structure of be changed. Th is would include the would become a Constituent Union, President as the Chair (as before), the along with all of the other current Fac- some Boards Deputy Presidents, the Constituent ulty Unions (RCSU, CGCU ICSMSU). Union Presidents, and four members In Council, this point did cause some of Council; this would be instead of contention about how it would eff ect Tim Arbabzadah Editor-in-Chief the members of the CSB and FWB. representation. Th e Executive Committee, which cur- Th e position of a Sabbatical Offi cer rently deals with the day-to-day run- for Postgraduates is put forward as Student asked for £200 In the fi rst Council of the academic ning of the Union and not the policy well. Th e paper says that Beaumont’s year, changes to the constitution, direction, would remain in that role. opinion is that the Graduate Schools which were put forward by Paul Beau- It would, however, be able to approve Association (GSA) President being ... continued from the front page did not take him. Th e driver then left, mont, Union President, were agreed expenditure of up to £100,000 and not the Sabbatical Offi cer would work and the student told the con man to in principle. A period of consulta- £500,000 as before. Th is was justifi ed best. Also the Faculty Unions (e.g. stage... the loss of £70 was probably that he could not help any more. Th e tion is now expected to begin. Beau- with the reason being that only one or RCSU) would no longer be represent- the best outcome I could hope for”. driver then picked the student up mont said that he was going to be talk- two events ever get to that much. ing Postgraduates, with the GSA tak- Th e student informed the driver of further down the road and took the ing to people about it and explaining In the new Constitution, Court will ing that role. the minicab asking to not be left with student to Kensington police station. the changes. no longer exist with its roles shifted to A change proposed in elections was the con man. In the police station, the crime It is expected that the fi nal docu- sub-committee of the Trustee Board. that the Returning Offi cer would be an Having left the student in the mini- took 4 hours to report. ment, with any changes made to the Th e changes propose that the Trus- external person. cab with all of his belongings, the Th e crime has also been reported current one available, will be made tee Board is changed in makeup. Th e Paul Beaumont will be writing a Com- con man returned to say that he now to the Imperial College Police Offi cer public twelve days before Council new Board would be the President, ment article for next week’s Felix to ex- required £200. Th e student avoided and the Imperial College Head of Se- meets to vote on it. Council Chair, all of the Deputy Presi- plain the changes. To see the document withdrawing this money by telling curity. Last year, the Union President at the dents (Education, Welfare, Finance & with all of the changes in full go to: the con man that he had reached his Th e student said: “I was lucky to time, Scott Heath, proposed changes Services, and Clubs & Societies), and https://www.imperialcollegeunion. overdraft limit. Th e American man lose only £70. Had it not been for the to the Consitution, which is eff ectively two elected Student Trustees. Th e org/your-union/how-were-run/pa- then attempted to take the mini cab decency of the cab driver, it may have the set of guidelines that decides how other members of the Trustee Board pers/12-13/Union_Council/226 to a “relative’s house”, but the driver ended up much worse”.

Sponsored Editorial BUCS changes could affect sports teams More student cuts Changes to the league that Imperial Col- as hinted in the name, is Medicine). Imperial to change. Th is change could lege London’s sports teams play in could However, it was brought up in Council mean that teams will lose positions in require some reorganisation. on Monday 8 October by the President leagues, or be put into diff erent leagues. Discount haircuts for Imperial Th e teams are currently split into Im- of the Imperial College School of Medi- It was decided at Council that it would perial College (which is all of the subjects cine Students’ Union President, Shiv be more pertinent for the sports teams from the university) and Medics (which, Vorha, that the league is going to force to discuss the issue. students at Fresh Hairdressers

More student cuts for Imperial To book an appointment, Ahmad will now face trial in the United States students at South Kensington’s call 0207 823 8968. Ask for a FRESH Hairdressers. student discount and bring your ... continued from the front page risk pleading ‘Not Guilty’. My under- rejected his proposal. Mr Starmer re- Men’s cuts £22 Imperial ID. standing is that the consequences of leased a statement that said Mr Wat- Women’s shampoo and cut Cash only. the court have colluded to implement this include the threat of life in solitary kin’s documents were “very short, lack and shake dry £28 a pre-determined decision which was confi nement without parole, should any meaningful detail and do not pro- Women’s shampoo, cut and made in Washington. We will never they lose a trial. If those are the stakes vide any real support for a prosecu- blow-dry £38 abandon our struggle for justice and which pleading ‘Not Guilty’ involve tion”. All of our cuts are done by the truth will eventually emerge of then it is no wonder that over 97 per Mr Watkins responded stating, highly experienced stylists. what will be forever remembered as cent of defendants accept a plea bar- “Th e public will decry this decision Tuesday to Fridays 9.30 to a shameful chapter in the history of gain – regardless of how confi dent or as it supports a trial thousands of 4.30 (sorry no discounts on Britain”. determined they are to stand trial” miles from where the alleged crime Saturdays). Shadow Justice Minister, and Toot- A British Businessman and anti- was committed simply because in the We are only 70 metres from ing MP, Sadiq Khan, said: “Th e way extradition campaigner Karl Watkin DPP’s opinion, the evidence is too South Kensington tube station criminal cases work in America tried to call for a private prosecution weak to prosecute in the UK. If that’s means that defendants facing a trial in the UK. Th e Director of Public not outsourcing our criminal justice are advised to plea bargain. It is a big Prosecutions (DPP), Kier Starmer QC, system, I don’t know what is.” 4 FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER

News Editor: Aemun Reza NEWS [email protected] Where Imperial College Lon Positions in the world rankings

Times Higher Education QS Rankings

World University Rankings Overall Rankings Ranking University Overall Score 1 California Institute of Technology 95.5 Ranking University Overall Score 2 Stanford University 93.7 1 Massachusetts Institute of Technology 100 3 University of Oxford 93.7 2 University of Cambridge 99.8 4 Harvard University 93.6 3 Harvard University 99.2 5 Massachusettes Institute of Technology 93.1 4 UCL (University College London) 98.7 6 Princeton University 92.7 5 University of Oxford 98.6 7 University of Cambridge 92.6 6 Imperial College London 98.3 8 Imperial College London 90.6 7 Yale University 97.5 9 University of California, Berkeley 90.5 8 University of Chicago 96.3 10 University of Chicago 90.4 9 Princeton University 95.4 10 California Institute of Technology 95.1 Brief overview of how the table is compiled This table is compiled using thirteen different factors, which are grouped into the fi ve areas. These areas are weighted in differing amounts. Teaching is worth 30 per cent has fi ve sub-categories. The main weighting Brief overview of how the table is compiled of which is an invitation only academic reputation survey from Thomas Reuters in spring 2012. Other factors Firstly, it should be noted that Imperial College London is ranked the exact same in the world as it was include various ratios. Research is 30 per cent and the main factor is the university’s reputation for excel- last year. lence amongst the acadenmic community. Research income is also used as an indicator., but is normalised The table is compiled in a similar way to many other tables: that is that the academics, teaching, and to take into account different grant sizes being given for different subjects. Citations counts for 30% and is citations are assessed. The criteria are, with the weighting used in brackets: academic reputation (40% the heaviest weighting in the table. It collects citations from 2006-2011 and uses 12,000 academic journals, – the highest), employer reputation (10%), ratio of staff to students (20%), which is there to assess looking at 50 million citations from 6 million articles. International Outlook, worth 7.5%, is compiled by teaching, citations per faculty (20%), amount of international students and staff (10%). studying the diversity on campus and how much research is performed with international collaboration. The ratio of international to domestic students is measured: the more international students, the higher the ranking. Industry income is the fi nal factor. It is only weighted at 2.5%, and so is the least influential factor. It looks at the universities ability to help industry with innovations, inventions, and consulting. QS World Subject Rankings World Repuation Rankings Mechanical Engineering: 7th

Ranking University Overall Score Computer Science: 18th 1 Harvard University 100.0 2 Massachusetts Institute of Technology 87.2 Chemical Engineering: 9th 3 University of Cambridge 80.7 Medicine: 9th 4 Standford University 72.1 Biosciences: 12th 5 University of California, Berkeley 71.6 6 University of Oxford 71.2 Mathematics: 29th 7 Princeton University 37.9 8 University of Toyko 35.6 Civil Engineering: 6th Earth and marine sciences: 29th 9 University of California, Los Angeles 33.8 Physics: 13th 10 Yale University 32.4 Environmental Sciences: 11th 11 California Institute of Technology 29.6 12 University of Michigan 23.2 Chemistry: 10th 13 Imperial College London 22.2 Brief overview of how the table is compiled Materials science: 14th The fi rst thing to note is that this table is not the same as the World University Rankings by the Times Higher EEE: 9th Education Supplement. The table is compiled by tens of thousands of academics being contacted and asked to fi ll out the Times Higher Education Academic Reputation Survey. The survey used United Nations data to distribute it, and was available in nine languages. The table ranks the universities on an overall basis, which Academic Ranking of World Universities combines the data on their reputation for research and teaching. The weighting of the scores are 2:1 in the Imperial are currently ranked 24th in the Academic Ranking of World Universities table, which is com- favour of teaching. The Times Higher Education say that this is because their expert advisors have noted piled by Shanghai Jiaotong University. Imperial has been typically hovering around the mid twenties that academics are better placed to make accurate judgements on the research quality of an institution. The in the table. The highest ranking achieved by Imperial was in 2003 when Imperial were 17th. In 2008, scores are compiled by looking at how many times an academic responded that a certain institution was the Imperial were ranked in their lowest place in 27th. best in their fi eld. E.g. a chemistry lecturer may say that Harvard are the best for chemistry. This highers their It is considered to be very influential on the international scene, and is even backed by the Chinese score. The scores are represented as a percentage of Harvard’s. Therefore Imperial’s was 22.2% of Harvard. government. FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER 5

News Editor: Aemun Reza [email protected] NEWS ndon is ranked in tables Subject Tables Responses From the Union The Guardian In the overall table, Imperial College London ranks 13th. In terms of the NSS feedback score, Doug Hunt Imperial is 3rd from the bottom (with the bottom institution not actually having fi gures for the NSS response). However, the entry tariff, which is the UCAS points required to be Deputy President (Education) offered a place, is the third highest at Imperial, with only Cambridge and Oxford above. Below, the infographic shows the rankings in the different subjects.

Mechanical Engineering: 4th Imperial’s academic staff are making changes to improve the NSS score but it takes a few years for the cohort that is benefi ting from this to fi ll out the sur- vey in their fi nal year. So we won’t see immediate results but know that the academic staff are working hard to give you a world class education, while trying to improve your satisfaction. However there still is large potential for improvement and more needs to be done to increase student’s satisfaction, for example 86% ranked us 67th but 89% would rank us 25th for satisfaction due to it being so densely popu- lated at the top of the table. A signifi cant number of Imperial College Union’s Chemical Engineering: 4th Materials and mineral engineering: 3rd 2011 NSS response recommendations have not been acted on and it is up to the College to decide if they want to put more resources behind accomplish- ing these, which will result in a signifi cant rise of student satisfaction. Physics: 12th Th e Union is taking this seriously because unless your teacher or parent Earth and marine sciences: 1st tells you to apply for Imperial, you are going to generally go by the league Civil Engineering: 12th tables when you are 17 or 18 years old. Medicine: 11th Some league tables are misleading for talented prospective students, for example the Guardian doesn’t take into account research as a metric and heavily relies upon the NSS results, while using the the value added score, which is a useless metric since it measures how much a student has improved Biosciences: 11th from their entry standards to their fi nal graduating honours, which of course is an idiotic way to analyze a university where everyone gets at least three A’s EEE: 6th Chemistry: 26th at A-level. Computer Science: 4th Mathematics: 10th Th e disparity between international and national rankings is based on what they wish to assess. So international rankings focus on hard reliable facts, while national rankings use unreliable student satisfaction results. The Complete University Guide From the College In this table, Imperial currently ranks 4th overall. In this table, Cambridge is fi rst, with LSE being second and Oxford being 3rd. From 2010-2012, Imperial was 3rd overall, and so has fallen by one spot. In all of the subject tables, shown below, Imperial ranks very highly. In terms of graduate prospects, Imperial actually is 1st, with Cambridge coming in 2nd. Aeronautical Engineering: 4th Chemical Engineering: 2nd Sir Keith O’Nions

Biosciences: 3rd President & Rector

Geology 2nd

Materials: 3rd While league tables can be met with mixed emotions, we must keep in Chemistry: 6th Medicine: 5th mind that they infl uence perceptions of the College and inform the deci- Mechanical sions of prospective staff and students. It is therefore a welcome boost that Engineering: Imperial has kept its position as the eighth best university in the world 4th according to the THE, in good company alongside three other UK uni- EEE: 4th Mathematics: 3rd versities in the top twenty. We cannot rest on our laurels but we can be proud that we are fi rmly embedded among the world’s leading univer- sities, unshaken by competition from Asia where massive investment in higher education and research is paying dividends.

Civil Engineering: 2nd Compiled and written by Tim Arbabzadah and Aemun Reza Physics: 5th Computer Science: 3rd Illustrations by Lizzy Griffiths 6 FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER

Features Editors: Stephen Smith, FEATURES Caroline Wood [email protected] Being adventurous with wo Erasmus orgasmus: an introduction A welcome to the “sexual revolution” and culture swapping

The ever expanding programme is volved a Catalan man and a Flemish to study where we want, when we mixing Europeans up. Students not girl shacking up. Of course, he is want, intellect and money provid- Chopin lays down the moves only polish their language skills on romanticising, for there are risks ing (Erasmus helps with the latter, their year out, but discover other of culture clashes and messy, long but not the former). delights. A true immersion in an- distance mishaps. However, you Do not be limited by Erasmus. It other culture is something different cannot help but be impressed by doesn’t take that much effort to up to travelling here and there. the German guy becoming fluent sticks, go pick grapes in the Bor- Erasmus is a truly European ex- in Polish for his newfound love or deaux region, au-pair in Prague, perience, where Bulgarians date at the French man proposing to his or intern in Vienna. Where there Brits, Poles swoon with Swedes, English rose. For the record, both is a will, there is a way. Don’t limit and Germans canoodle with Span- are true stories. yourself. If you have a second lan- iards. As well as much loving, there Don’t forget: we are truly lucky guage, no matter how hazy, use it, is, of course, much heartbreak and to live in the Europe we have to- go and improve on it! Even if you STI-spreading. As summed up by day; we have had peace for seventy don’t, with English as the lingua Umberto Eco, Erasmus is a “sexual years, and it has been more than franca, the world is your oyster. Go revolution,” where people are be- two decades since the fall of the explore, work and study elsewhere, coming European. His example in- Berlin Wall. Don’t forget we are free for it has never ever been easier. Integration issues Emily Beech isn’t talking about maths, don’t panic...

hen contemplat- inhabitants of the country I lived in. ing my year in Unfortunately when there was some France, I imag- communication with these Wined myself sur- elusive nationals, they rounded by vari- lacked originality in their Errrrgh, which way to a chip butty? ous French friends, drinking wine in conversation. As the only the sun and eating bread and cheese. foreign girl taking one I found myself slightly disappointed. module I was asked around Th e cheese and wine were present in 150 times whether I was the abundance but the French?! Where English girl. Awkwardly, that were they? appeared to be the only ques- As one of the only foreign stu- tion that they could come up dents to arrive in September to an with, and I have lost count of agricultural university in the south the number of embarrassing si- of France, I thought it quite likely lences which followed in those that most of my acquaintances fi rst four weeks. would be from France. How- Perhaps they were just not ever, I could count the people of interested in trying to decipher French origin who would stop what I was saying? I for one think and say hello on one hand. Af- it is sad that they are missing out ter 10 months there, I feel that on the opportunity to mix with is somewhat shocking. people from all over the world Th at is not to say that I did and learn new stuff . Unsurprisingly not make friends there; there there was no Erasmus club there; were some very lovely peo- something which I think shows that ple from all over the world. they are not ready to welcome the Every weekend I spent my world with fully open arms. time with a group of for- I must note that this lack of French eigners speaking in pigeon interaction is not necessarily lack- French. Most of the fi rst ing for all the Erasmus students in term was spent solely with Montpellier; the only American male Brazilians (strangely there seemed to be attracting the attention were around twenty!), with of the whole French female commu- very little contact with the nity! Superfi cial much? FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER 7

Features Editors: Stephen Smith, Caroline Wood FEATURES [email protected] ork: Erasmus and industry

So, this one time: in But wait, what about a Aachen Year in Industry? Mary Raveendran This is just in case gives you an insight you needed more reminding about into a year in Germany labs

veryone says that a year abroad is one of the most exciting journeys of self- Ediscovery you can go on. Th ey are right. I thought The Polish Rick I’d share some noteworthy (if not Astley. Unlike ours, always happy) memories of my time he has no qualms abroad. about letting you down, apparently Arrival I missed my fl ight to Germany, re- sulting in a terrifying start to the year. After many panicked calls, I hopped on the next fl ight, having spent the day getting to know Gat- wick. A few hours later, I arrived at my building, where I slyly tailed an unsuspecting resident in, and then called upon my new neighbours to help break into my bedroom with a credit card and a knife – great fi rst impression! I then had my fi rst taste of halls in Germany… a wardrobe, a desk, and a bookshelf… and that’s all. No bed. No curtains. I rolled out my sleeping bag onto the fl oor, wonder- ing just what I had let myself in for… Party Time Just like here, the start of the academ- The placement year is touted as a commendable and worthwhile achievement ic year kicks off with a plethora of to undertake. Unfortunately, in our current economic times, they are neither in alcohol-fuelled nights out, especially surplus nor simple to acquire, even for students from Imperial. All I can say is: at for the huge community away), partying is taken serious- threat of complete humiliation… and the interview, be passionate and knowledgeable about your employer and your of international ly! Needless to say, it works! By the end of the year my employment. It will sell a portion of your case for you. students. some of my most room was fully furnished with gifts My experience in Norwich at The Sainsbury Laboratory has been eye-open- Th e switch memorable eve- from my new friends, including a ing, educational, and enjoyable. Thus far I have spent 8 months developing my from London nings are a touch bed! I also learned a huge amount own project looking into expression of the protein receptor FLS2 and its func- to a student- hazy… about life in places I had barely even tion in the plant immune response. While the learning curve was steep initially – based commu- heard of and got to experience new what you actually do in practice is far different from the theory you get taught – nity was a huge Friendship cultures from home, as well regularly it allows you to better appreciate what goes into the discoveries that you study. one. Student life Possibly the most jumping onto trains across Europe in I have further been introduced to the way science is truly global, arguably a revolved around incredible part of my spare time. From discovering a double edged sword. Brilliant because you can meet and interact with people the Pontstrasse, my Erasmus experi- love of Azerbaijani cuisine, to turn- that you would never meet otherwise, but there is also the moving from place a single street ence was the num- ing up to a Finnish sauna gathering to place regularly, meaning you will have to start the process of making friends full of cheap ber of great friends I (and then making a hasty exit when repeatedly; not an easy challenge for some. student-friendly made. Although being everyone turned out to be naked) I You can, of course, find different methods of keeping your mind preoccupied bars, clubs, and abroad can be daunt- found myself thriving in a world of – sports for example are a valuable outlet that allow you to relax after a long restaurants. From ing, there’s a strange new experiences. day. As is going out with friends for a few pints at the local pub – something 25 cent shots to liberation to knowing Needless to say, from a shaky start, Norwich certainly doesn’t have a shortage of. Before 2008 it boasted a pub for my personal fa- you can say anything my Erasmus year developed into an every day of the year! vourite invention, to anyone, safe in the incredible, eye-opening experience. All said, the year in industry is an excellent way of finding out whether aca- the “cocktail-2-go,” knowledge that in a I couldn’t recommend a year abroad demia is for you or whether you would be better suited in an office environment (a Starbucks Frap- year’s time you’ll be more to anybody even slightly inter- or corporate laboratory. puccino style cup, countries apart. “Hello, ested in travel… and I can’t wait to fi lled with a cock- I’m new here, will you start visiting my new friends world- James Strutt tail, to be taken be my friend?” loses the wide! 8 FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER

Features Editors: Stephen Smith, FEATURES Caroline Wood [email protected] “Better than the Olympics” Caroline Wood reports on the newest sports craze to hit campus

ast Friday, the game fa- He is triumphant! He basks in the mous for ending disputes glory! Alan Soltani from the Physics amongst friends and ac- department is the fi rst ever Imperial Lquaintances worldwide ar- College London Rock Paper Scissors rived at Imperial. In what Champion! Th e Imperial Hub team can only be described as probably rush to comfort Sonali, who seemed the most eventful lunchtime of the surprisingly unemotional. term so far, Imperial played host to Felix managed to get an exclusive the inaugural Imperial College Lon- Everyone swears at each other interview with Alan just after he’d don Rock Paper Scissors Champion- received his new title. We asked him ship (or RPS, as it’s called by almost how it felt to be the fi rst Imperial nobody). Felix brings you an on the College London Rock Paper Scissors ground report of the lunchtime’s Champion. Elated and slightly over- events. whelmed he said: “It’s an amazing Students and staff from all depart- feeling. Th e fi nal was really tense and ments assembled beneath the Queen’s for a minute I thought I’d lost. But people. Th is is our fi rst Imperial Rock Championship next year. Tower to participate in the momen- I pulled through after some great Paper Scissors Championship and, (Oh, and in case you were wonder- tous event. Th e Imperial College Lon- coaching and with mental strength.” given everyone’s involvement and ing (which you probably weren’t), I don Rock Paper Scissors Champion- RPS, or throwing gang signs? As a friend called to him telling him response today, we think it could be- came last after losing four consecu- ship was offi cially declared open by they were late for their next lecture come a new tradition at Imperial!” Fe- tive times, which is actually just as Denis Wright, Dean of Students, and Tense... (or something like that) he was heard lix couldn’t agree more, and we can’t probable as winning four times in a Jane Neary, Director of Commercial saying “I can’t talk to you now, I’m a wait for the return of the Imperial row. Th erefore technically I am a win- Services, as they gave participants an celeb.” College London Rock Paper Scissors ner too, right? Right?) exemplary demonstration of how to We later spoke to Sonali who told us play the game. “I’m still in shock! It started off fairly After an energetic warm-up, partic- relaxed but as I climbed the steps it ipants battled against each other val- got more and more intense.” iantly, showing impressive dedication She added, “I was disappointed to and commitment to the sport. Bru- miss out on the overall title... but Alan tally, however, fi fty percent of players was a worthy winner.” were wiped out of the competition Alan basking in glory Both Sonali and Alan have secured with each round, whilst the remaining their place in the National Rock Paper contestants progressed up the ‘steps Scissors Championship this Saturday. of glory’ towards the Queen’s Tower. Sonali has been swatting up on tips After just four rounds, the Ladies’ and also practicing with friends in the Imperial College London Rock Paper hope that this time she might claim Scissors Champion, Sonali Campion the top prize. Encouragingly, she is of Imperial Hub, and Men’s Imperial yet to be beaten by anyone except her College London Rock Paper Scissors boyfriend. (Awkward?) Champion, Alan Soltani from the Th e event really was a great success Physics department, emerged from and Sport Imperial should be thanked the participants. Sonali and Alan then for arranging the tournament. Neil went head-to-head in a battle to be- Mosley, Head of Sport Imperial, told come the fi rst ever Imperial College us: “Sport Imperial has always been London Rock Paper Scissors Cham- devoted to enhance students and staff pion of Champions. experience at Imperial. We hope this In a tense fi nal, the skill level was Alan and his big trophy event gives people, especially new upped to ‘expert’ level – the winner students, a diff erent way to meet new was crowned after not the best-of- one, not the best-of-three, but the best-of-FIVE matches of Rock Paper Global celebrity Alan Soltani. Scissors’. Sonali and Alan took their Known as the “Tiger Woods of RPS”. STUDENT BLOGGERS WANTED! stance on the third step up. Hopefully for the right reasons Match one. A point to Alan! Th e Are you a keen and creative writer? Maybe you always crowd cheers! (Well, one of Alan’s have a camera handy to capture the moment? friends cheers.) Th e next match yields a draw. And the next, another draw. Simply send us 600 words about your start of term experience, And then... SONALLIIIII! Th e Impe- whether you are a fresher or a returning undergrad or postgrad. rial Hub cohort goes wild and chant Alternatively, submit a photo-blog entry about Welcome Week – “So-na-li, So-na-li!”. don’t forget to add captions! Silence descends across the crowd in preparation for match number fi ve. Send your submission by noon on Monday 15 October Alan just clinches it and takes us into to [email protected] a nail biting sixth match. Draw. Th e tension is prolonged and the handful of remaining spectators still watching fell silent. Another draw. (OK, when £www.imperial.ac.uk/studentblogs will this end?) And then, out of no- where, match nine... goes to... ALAN! everynation.co.uk

SUNDAYS ACTIVITY SPACE 1

Free café – 5:30 10 FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER

Politics Editors: Padraic Calpin POLITICS Marie-Laure Hicks [email protected]

Short Stories of the Week Miliband’s Makeover Missing Women After his party address and mastering of the skill of repetition (“One Nation” - 46 times), the After being accused of spying on employees in France, Ikea has issued Labour leader is hoping to boost his election chances. Matthew Proctor looks into them. an apology concerning its catalogue available in Saudi Arabia. In the Saudi version of the catalogue, women d Miliband is on a high: his was voted in. A party with real policies? a traditional Tory ideal and an attempt have been airbrushed out of pictures, party has a 14 point lead over Miliband is still thought of as a bit Unfortunately, his speech was rather from Miliband to claw back the voters including a woman standing in E Cameron’s Conservative of an awkward character who can’t lacking in this department. Miliband he’d lost at the 2010 election — the her pyjamas and an Ikea designer. party (YouGov/Th e Sun) really be seen to be a true leader. mainly talked about his own life and middle-class, centre-ground men and Members of the Swedish government who are themselves suff ering from It was therefore important that he his upbringing — making sure to women who had lost faith in Labour in particular were very critical of the somewhat of a crisis of identity as made a strong impression at his party explicitly mention, multiple times, during the economic collapse in 2008. multinational group, stating that Cameron struggles to fi nd policies conference last week. He had to make that he went to a comprehensive Miliband wanted to fi nish the idea of companies should not abandon their that will impress his right-wing sure of three things: school and that he was born in a New Labour without going back to values abroad. Saudi Arabia has been backbenchers but will still keep National Health Service hospital. “old Labour.” in the spotlight for women’s rights his Lib Dem colleagues satisfi ed in A New Image Th is kind of spiel of course excited So that’s two out of three overall. Not (or lack thereof), as women do not government. Ed took to the stage without notes, the strong left-wing crowd, but it did a bad show from the Labour leader. In yet have the right to vote, and it is Th e Conservatives are struggling echoing what Cameron has done time little to allay voters’ fears that the fact, YouGov polls showed that after the only country in the world where then, but, is it possible for Miliband to and time again, and began to speak Labour party were simply a party to the conference, confi dence in whether women are not allowed to drive. win the next election? His election to confi dently, casually joking along. criticise the Coalition’s policies while Ed could become PM rose by 6 points. leader of the party brought widespread He had strong presence on the stage, continuing without a clear policy However, there’s still a widespread Synchronised Toilet Flush criticism from some in the party who moving around and making himself plan themselves. Miliband also piped view that, currently, Cameron is Citizens of Bulawayo, Zimbabwe, believed that his brother, David, was seen. Comparing this speech to his on once again about “dealing with better off as PM. We’ll have to wait have been asked to participate in a the more confi dent character and was 2010 inaugural speech as Leader the banks” but failed to say how he and see how the Conservative party synchronised toilet flush. The aim is therefore more suited to the job. To of the Opposition, the changes are planned on doing so. conference turns out before we can to prevent blockage of sewage pipes some, David represented a new-era profound: from a bumbling man clearly say how well Ed Miliband has by keeping them wet. This has been Tony Blair who would take the Labour behind a podium to an assured man A party of the people? done. However, with Cameron fi nding difficult due to a prolonged drought Party back to 1997 levels of support. commanding his audience. Th is was a Miliband talked of a “One Nation” it hard to keep his backbenchers and water shortages. Authorities However, the votes of the unions for new Ed Miliband, a true leader. Th at’s Labour. Th is harks back to Disraeli, happy and Osborne losing grip on have warned that residents who fail Ed Miliband eventually meant that he the fi rst point ticked off . a Conservative politician and Prime the economy, it’s hard to see how to flush their toilet at the designated Minister from 1874 to 1880. It was Cameron can turn the polls around to time and date will risk being fined. a bold move from Miliband. “He a clear Tory victory in 2015. The first flush took place at 17:30 (Disraeli) was a Tory… but don’t If they aren’t victorious, it seems GMT, 24th September 2012. Two “Why, Ed, why?” let that put you off !” he joked. He increasingly likely that Cameron will synchronised toilet flushes have been praised Disraeli’s vision of a country be ousted. Will this mean a return scheduled every week from now on. Nick made a “One Nation” coming together to defeat fascism to the House of Commons for Boris speech back in March. — Miliband presented his vision of Johnson? Probably not, with more Train Wreck a Britain coming together today to right-wing characters such as Michael The Department for Transport has Not that anyone noticed. rebuild the country after high levels Gove and Liam Fox impressing gone back on its decision of giving of unemployment, a widening gap backbenchers and Boris in the FirstGroup the west coast mainline between rich and poor, and a general mayoral offi ce until 2016. Boris fans contract. When the contract was view that meritocracy has gone out of will likely be disappointed come the awarded during the summer, it was the window. It was a clever hijacking of next Parliament. met with cries of protest from Richard Branson and Virgin, the west coast’s current operator. Branson claimed FirstGroup’s bid was unreasonably high and service quality would deteriorate or lead to a similar crisis as Abortion debate resurfaces that of the east coast mainline, which was subsequently nationalised. The decision was finally scrapped last week by the government, explained Padraic Calpin Politics Editor meetings of the 1922 Committee, a which kept the time-limit at 24 weeks, of abortion. So why all the noise? by flaws in the bidding process and group of backbenchers that has the appeals strongly to the more hardline Looking at the events with the context calculation mistakes. The blame power to unseat a Tory leader. voices in the back benches. of infi ghting, it seems that Number 10 has been placed on civil servants, One of the central features of David In this way we can interpret the As Health Secretary, Hunt’s role sought to reassure hardline Tories with including three who have been Cameron’s reinvention of the Conserv- Tories’ continual jerks to the right as the requires evidence based decisions a reminder that the Cabinet still sits suspended. The government is now ative party going in to the 2010 election inevitable result of continual infi ghting, and, simply put, the evidence is to the right, in order to dampen the faced with two difficult challenges. was the pull to the centre; dressed in with Cameron swerving between direct entirely against him; survival rates potential rebellion over the upcoming The bidding process has been shown the vocabulary of the Big Society and confl ict with his backbenchers, such below 24 weeks have not improved debate on gay marriage. to be complicated and flawed, it will Green Conservatism, they sought to as the unprecedented rebellion over substantially, and both the British Looking at the speeches from the most likely need to be abandoned or shed the old-fashioned, right-wing im- Lord’s reform, and attempts to placate Medical Association and the Conservative Party Conference this reformed. In addition, Virgin Trains’ age. ‘Backbench’ MPs may have been them such as continual discussion Royal College of Obstetricians and week, the language of the ‘centre’ contract ends on 9th December; the unhappy, but the promise of govern- about an EU referendum and the Gynaecologists advise holding the limit seems to have disappeared entirely. route will have to be nationalised or ment and a Tory majority kept them at recent Cabinet reshuffl e. at 24. Yet, by virtue of his position, Despite Cameron’s appeal that “Th e an agreement will have to be reached bay. Th e recent furore over his reaffi rmation takes on more Conservative party is for everyone” with Virgin until a new bidding However, that majority resolutely Jeremy Hunt’s declaration weight than the similar remarks and refusal to stop talking about the process can go through. The blunder failed to materialise, and so began of support for a reduction in made by Th eresa May and invisible Big Society, his aides insist has cost taxpayers £40million and is the struggle between Cameron and the 24-week abortion time Equalities Minister Maria Miller that the common ground in politics estimated to cost another £75million his backbenchers that seems to have limit is a good example of last week. sits with them, well right of centre. for every year the new contract is defi ned the Conservative’s period in the continual push and pull But David Cameron has stated Number 10, it seems, sides with the delayed. FirstGroup has stated it is coalition. Indeed, one of the fi rst things between the centre and the quite plainly that the Tories backbenchers, but it’s taken two and considering legal action. Cameron did after becoming Prime right. Hunt’s position, have no plans to a half years of pulling on their part Minister was to hammer through a unchanged since table another for Cameron to let slip the mask of

Marie-Laure Hicks Politics Editor vote allowing cabinet MPs to sit on the 2008 vote, Tal Cohen/AFP/Getty Images vote on the issue centrism. Deutsche Bank db.com/careers

Is now the right moment to start a banking career?

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FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER 13

[email protected] CLUBS & SOCIETIES ICSE’s Summer tour Cora Xydas and Rebecca Stenning gently play you through a quick guide to what they got up to in their break from work

tands, music and instru- ments packed up, the Impe- ICSE casually rial College String Ensem- playing with Sble headed off on the 13th each other in a of September to Speldhurst garden... What? in Kent for their annual Summer tour. Not like that A long weekend of music, socializing and charity events was to follow. After a full cooked breakfast (an ICSE speciality) the 16 ensemble players rehearsed intensively at mastering Vivaldi’s Winter, Corelli’s Concerto Grosso “Christmas Concerto”, the Im- perial ArtsFest favourite “StopPlaying Your Homework And Do Your Video Games” by Gen Kim, and an arrange- ment of John Kander’s Caberet for string ensemble. All of this was per- formed at the concert in St Mary’s Church in Speldhurst raising a fantas- tic £150 for St Mary’s Church and the Tunbridge Wells Winter Shelter. Th e main social event of the tour, a vil- lage Barn Dance, allowed members to play as part of a Ceilidh band, try their Stringfellow jokes at the ready hand at calling and entertained the lo- lessons whilst benefi ting from ICSE’s (originally recorded by Last Orders) and biscuits, in quantities only ICSE cal community, all whilst raising £70 new conductor, Dan Shilladay’s expe- for the dance, an entirely new chal- could manage! A barbecue and party for their newly launched “ICSE young rience. Prior to the Ceilidh the ensem- lenging but fun departure from ICSE’s rounded the weekend off and wet conductor scheme”. Th is will enable ble split into two groups rehearsing usual repertoire. Free time was spent everyone’s appetite for the next year one Imperial student to gain training and arranging “Swedish” (originally exploring the local area and playing in of ICSE fi lled Friday evenings, social in conducting through conducting recorded by Blazin’ Fiddles) and “Jigs” small groups, all whilst consuming tea events and future weekends away! Do you have a cloud of ideas? TEAM BO

Imperial College Design Collective “Totally just stealing this Macbook”

What if the word “career” meant “fun”, “passion”, and “entrepreneurship”, in- stead of “oil-platform”, “fi nance”, or “academia”? We want to show a diff er- ent set of doors the education at Impe- rial College unlocks for you far from the work on bringing the ideas to real pro- no such thing as irrelevant knowledge obvious and spineless paths Imperial’s jects this Wednesday and the designer when it comes to creativity as we saw in fl ocked careers fairs hold. Imperial Col- Dominic Th omas, of the legendary our fi rst workshop. lege Design Collective (ICDC) demon- award winning Genesis Bikes, will come ICDC maintains connections with strates how knowledge acquired at Im- and review them in person! distinguished and prominent designers, perial can be applied in all design fi elds. Th is year holds a very exciting pro- architects and manufacturers who will On Wednesday students from Civil gramme: our four themes for 2012-2013 provide us with insight and guidance. By Eng, Electrical Eng, Computing and are Interactive City, Toys, Emotions and organising regular talks, offi ce visits and Mechanical Eng (to name but a few) Personality, and Barriers. Members of exhibitions, we will further allow for They lost their sign-up sheet at Freshers’ worked on “Enhancing the cycling ex- the society will enjoy an in-depth view Design to play a larger role at Imperial. perience in London”. Concepts were put of each theme through hands-on work- If you believe that Design, Science Fair. forward by members of diff erent teams shops led by professionals and academ- and Technology are complimentary and developed through the afternoon. ics from Imperial and the Royal College fi elds and if you want to see what kind Ideas such as a new brake distribution of Arts. of remarkable things can happen at their system or a bike detection system for No specifi c skills are required, but a junction, then like our Facebook page Email: buses were developed. Designer Larissa smile, a cloud of ideas and a will to share “Imperial College Design Collective” to Kunstel assisted the workshops in the them. We encourage people from all access our talks and events and come to [email protected] if you signed up! creation and deepening of ideas. We will diff erent backgrounds to join as there is our workshops! 14 FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER

CLUBS & SOCIETIES [email protected] RCSU on top Plabon Saha says: seriously, we stole everyone’s shit

Fresher’s Fair 2012 saw an door where he met resistance in the form hit them. Th e ransom demands for the unprecedented rise in mas- of Michele Tonutti. But at this point a six- Phoenix are the fi rst four terms of the cotry and the RCSU-CGCU way tussle broke out near the Mech Eng mascot negotiations where “CGCU” is to Frivalry was re-ignited with a entrance to Dalby Court as other RCSU be replaced by “ICSMSU”. burning vengeance. After the committee members rushed to Ali’s RCSU President James Tsim wants to use capture of the ICSMU’s Phoenix head help. Th ey helped to pin Michele down this chance to issue a warning to all the last year the RCSU went a step further on the fl oor and Ali was able to safely faculty unions that the RCSU’s love for as it is currently holding onto City and fl ee with the bolt. Michele was later seen Th eta is eternal and the lengths we’ll go Guild Union’s Bolt and Spanner and the distraught alongside Bolt bearer Yuchen to protect it is immeasurable. As evident ICSMU’s Phoenix feet. However, it pains Wang. by the mascotless CGCU’s hopeless situ- me to say that our beloved mascot Th eta Furthermore on Wednesday night, ation, anyone who tries to violate Th eta was violated as well and one of its four CGCU’s hope of salvaging any form should know that the RCSU will show no parts is currently in the hands of the dirty of pride vanished as their Spanner was mercy. We will look for you, we will fi nd Plabon grabbing his spanner, as always... engineers in CGCU. captured. With the Spanner bearer you, and we WILL HAVE REVENGE. After numerous failed attempts by the Melanie Singh intoxicated, I was able to engineers to steal Th eta during fresh- convince her to let me borrow her col- The RCSU is issuing the following ers fair they fi nally struck gold (or steel) lege card, which gave me a sure-fi re way ransom demands to CGCU: when I was taking Th eta apart. Michele into the CGCU offi ce. While on a mis- Tonutti, the CGCU Events Offi cer ran sion to retrieve Th eta, I found the Span- 1. The CGCU President will come to the next RCSU Bar Night and do a Fresher’s off with a pole while someone else ran off ner carelessly lying on the fl oor. Unable Yard. with the bulb. By the time the bulb had to fi nd Th eta’s missing part I decided to 2. An E-mail must be sent out to the been recovered, Michele was safely away make-do with the Spanner, which leaves Faculty by the President where the sole to the CGCU offi ce, which was only a CGCU mascotless. In other news, dur- purpose of the e-mail is to accept RCSU’s fl ight of stairs away. Th e irony of the situ- ing Fresher’s Fair the Medics also lost a superiority. 3. £200 must be donated to RCSU Rag. ation is that Th eta was being taken apart part of their mascot to RCSU. During 4. The CGCU will buy a keg for the next just so it can be safely put away. mid-day Ali and I made our way to SAF RCSU Bar Night. Further eff orts were made by other com- for reconnaissance as we tried to locate 5. The missing part of Theta will be safely mittee members to fi nd a way to make Phoenix. At this point we were spotted returned. Th eta whole and once we realized that by some medics and were escorted out of 6. The President and the Spanner and Bolt Bearers must go through a form of our eff ort was going in vain, the com- the area. However, I was cunningly lying public shaming at the next RCSU Bar mittee decided to exact revenge on the in wait and went back half an hour later Night where they must stand at the en- CGCU by stealing their mascot. Despite to fi nd the feet of the Phoenix carelessly trance in ragged clothes and hang their CGCU members’ watchful eye, RCSU lying under one of the desks. I made a heads in shame while wearing signs Events Offi cer Ali Ibrahim was able to quick grab for it and made a run for it around their necks claiming RCSU’s superiority. swipe the 35kg Bolt and bolted for the before the medics could realise what One night, in Gem bar Felix sends undercover reporter MC Hämmer on a night out...

Undercover reporting allows for the cluded with its ‘Buddies Bar Night’ on far more profound, off ering such A quick panoramic view of the venue scythe of truth to cut through wrong- Th ursday. But anyway, to business. scintillating brainteasers designed to doings like a wieldy knife through Was it worth it? stimulate and evoke a deep response. butter. Corruption can be unmasked! Th e RCSU has undoubtedly had “What do YOU hope to gain from to- Bureaucracy criticized! All with a sin- somewhat of a legacy in the past year night’s event?” “What do YOU think gle tap of the keyboard, preferably fol- or two, racking up events with as- about the economy?” Th e questions lowed by several more. But how could tronomical bar tabs. Could the new fl owed and the answers ranged from ing composition. Seeking solace away freshly pressed chinos suff ered the one possibly decide what deserving committee compete? With three free “What do you mean?” to “I can’t hear from this crushing disappointment, I misfortune of coming into contact targets to strike? Th e answer, in this drinks on off er for a £12 ticket, it cer- you,” due to the music. (Top marks for ventured outside. with what could, in retrospect, have case, was determined by the fact that tainly allowed for easy mingling to remembering to have music, RCSU Th e RCSU’s perennial fi re en- been a pile of salt, judging by the hid- there was nothing better to do on fi nd out just what people thought of folks! I literally cannot fault the fact gine Jezebel turned up to off er rides eous white mark I found on them on Tuesday night. Th e fi ckle fi nger of fate the event themselves. Luckily I’d been that there was music in a club envi- around the Soho backstreets to inter- the bus back. How a pile of salt wound fell upon the RCSU Autumn Ball, held to a networking event earlier in the ronment.) ested parties, and then drove off by its way into such an establishment at Soho’s Gem Bar. evening – ironically, of course. Armed While some events in the past have midnight, presumably because it was will undoubtedly remain a mystery, What deadly secrets would the with a repertoire of buzzwords and been a bit crowded, the choice of ven- past its bedtime. but I implore the committee to in- event be hiding? None, it turns out. catchphrases that would make Roy ue this time was defi nitively spacious. “It was great riding it and all but I vestigate ways to prevent this kind of For the uninitiated out there, all Walker balk, my newly acquired skills In the words of Another compatriot thought we were going to head down mishap from happening again. students of the natural sciences be- in jargon and my own sheer natural remarked that it was “pretty big.” Oxford Street at 60mph,” complained I could say that the event was life- long to the Royal College of Science charisma saw me through. And yet… and yet the opening a second year Biochemistry student, affi rming, but unfortunately I’m not Union, or RCSU. Th e Autumn Ball I avoided asking certain individu- strains of R Kelly’s seminal classic demonstrating a clear lack of knowl- studying for a degree in hyperbole. It marked one of the ongoing festivities als about what they studied or what ‘Bump n’ Grind’ were cruelly snatched edge about speed limits. was the one below life-affi rming. Two of its ‘Freshers’ Fortnight’, which con- year they were in, but instead went away by a far less musically interest- Events took a sour turn when my thumbs up. CCHANGEHANGE YYOUROUR bbecomeecome a CCOURSEOURSE sstudenttudent reprep

450 Student Reps are elected, trained and trusted every year. Their aim: to improve your education. imperialcollegeunion.org/elections NOTICE TO CUSTOMERS OF OUR BARS

Due to College ID cards not being provided with a ‘red box’ this year for students who are under eighteen, the Union will have to be even more diligent than normal when checking students’ identifi cation on entering bars.

Students visiting the Union’s bars – both in South Kensington and Charing Cross – will have to show photo identifi cation on entry to the venue (passport, driving licence or pass ID), and at the bar too. Students who are under eighteen are still welcome to come to the bars, but extra care will be taken to ensure that no alcohol is being bought ‘on behalf’ of others.

Please don’t be offended by more identifi cation checks than normal – these measures are purely as a precaution to protect the Union’s licence to sell alcohol and shouldn’t affect your enjoyment of the bars in anyway!

The Union would like to remind students that our bars, whilst not public, are licensed premises, and anyone found to be breaking these or any other Union ! rules will face disciplinary action. 16 FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER

Science Editors: Philip Kent, SCIENCE Laurence Pope, Philippa Skett [email protected] From stem cells to sex cells Stem cell research receives another vital boost. Fiona Hartley reports

apanese researchers have Mitinori Saitou and his team from Th e resultant embryos were trans- created viable eggs in Kyoto University, the authors of this planted into surrogate female moth- mice from skin stem cells study, have previously made func- ers, and these embryos developed into J which produced healthy tional sperm cells from adult cells in fertile mice. fertile off spring that suc- mice, which were used to successfully Saitou and colleagues are now inves- cessfully had their own progeny. Th is fertilise eggs. Th eir new study, pub- tigating whether PGCs can be made breakthrough could hopefully lead to lished in Science last week, shows that from adult human stem cells. Th is may treatments for human infertility in the a modifi ed version of the system they prove diffi cult because of diff erences distant future. used to make sperm can also make between mouse and human cells, but Stem cells give rise to all special- eggs that, importantly, give rise to the ultimate hope is that one day this ised cells in the body, and are also healthy progeny. technique could be used to make eggs self-renewing to produce more stem Th e group applied a mix of signal- to help infertile couples have children. cells. Stem cells in humans come in ling molecules to turn ES cells and iPS Scientists have cautioned that a lot of two basic forms: embryonic stem cells (derived from skin stem cells) work remains before this goal is re- (ES) cells and adult stem cells. ES into primordial germ cells (PGCs), the motely achievable though, including cells were ethically controversial be- precursor cells to sperm in males and ethical considerations about using hu- cause of the embryonic destruction oocytes (eggs) in females. Th e PGCs man ovary tissue to culture the cells. required to harvest them. In 2006, were then added to embryonic ovary Th e immediate impact of the study Shinya Yamanaka succeeded in repro- tissue, making “reconstituted” ovaries. will be to provide a robust system for gramming adult stem cells to an ES Th is mixture was transplanted into fe- further investigation of mammalian cell-like state. Th ese cells were named male mice, where immature oocytes female germ-line development, the induced pluripotent stem (iPS) cells. The recent successes will help aid developed. Th e immature oocytes poor understanding of which is one Yamanaka won the Nobel Prize for research into germ-line development. were removed, and allowed to mature of the reasons why the research does Physiology or Medicine for this work Meanwhile, the mouse thinks: “hmmm, in vitro. Th e team then fertilised the not yet have any current clinical rel- just this week. definitely smells like an arse” mature oocytes with mouse sperm. evance. news.wisc.edu Deadly snake venom better pain-killer than morphine

Nick Kennedy Science Writer Th ese mambalgins block the acid- pion contains a protein that binds to sensing ion channels (ASICs) in the I’M TIRED OF THESE MOTH- cancerous cells found in gliomas, a cell membrane. ASICs are principal ERFUCKING SNAKES IN THIS type of brain cancer. When combined Few of us associate the black mamba, players in the pain pathway. MOTHERFUCKING ARTICLE with a radioactive solution, this pro- one of the world’s most venomous But a perplexing question remains: tein can target and destroy glioma snakes, with pain relief. why does venom of such legendary cells – and ultimately the cancer. As But fi ndings recently published in toxicity contain pain-killing proteins? research progresses the number of Nature show that black mamba ven- Th is is a question nobody seems able these highly useful animal and plant- om may be a more eff ective pain-killer to answer. derived compounds will only increase than morphine. Th e black mamba is not the only in number. Th e black mamba, Dendroaspis pol- venomous snake with a potential ben- So it seems there is a charitable fl ip ylepis, is feared throughout southern efi t to medicine. Th ere are already side to these venomous creatures that and eastern Africa for its extreme three drugs on the market based on are making up for countless lost lives. speed, length, aggression and lethal snake venom proteins. Eptifi batide DOI: 10.1038/nature11494 nationalgeographic.com toxicity. and tirofi ban are derived from antico- However, the French scientists in- agulant proteins found in the venom volved found that its venom not only of the southeastern pygmy rattlesnake served to abolish pain in mice, but did and African saw-scaled viper, respec- not cause any side-eff ects. Morphine, tively. Both drugs are used to treat Battles of Science and Ethics commonly used in anaesthesia to re- suff erers of angina or heart attacks. duce pain, has myriad side-eff ects, the Contortrostatin, a component found most dangerous of which is respira- in copperhead venom, is being used to Science Writer tory failure. attack breast cancer cells and to pre- Jamie-Li Rickman and to explore the intellectual legacy ences; biotechnology, and embryology Snake venom can be so deadly be- vent cancer from spreading. of our generation, summed up by their for example. It will look at if and how cause it attacks key ion-pathways In fact a plethora of highly toxic ani- punchy tag-line: FREE SPEECH AL- science should inform policy on a wide across neuronal membranes. We rely mals – and of course plants – exhibit Th e Battle of Ideas is a weekend long LOWED. range of areas from climate change to on this transport of ions to commu- this ‘poison paradox’. festival of talks and debates hosted by Th e Science and Ethics strand of organ donation, and the ways in which nicate vital information around our Cone snails are predatory sea snails. the Institute of Ideas, an independ- talks, entitled ‘Ethical Battles in Sci- it could reshape our cultural attitudes brain and body. If these pathways are Th ey hunt and immobilize prey using ent think tank. On the 20th and 21st ence and Medicine’ promises to be regarding issues such as homosexual- prevented from working as normal, a radular tooth and a poison gland of October, 350 speakers and 2000+ particularly exciting; speakers include ity and abortion. Th e attitudes of the our entire neuronal super-organism containing neurotoxins. In 2004 the attendees are expected to gather at Sir Professor Mark Walport, direc- public and the infl uence of the me- breaks down – signals cannot be Food and Drug Administration ap- the Barbican centre for 80 talks and tor of the Wellcome Trust and future dia will be examined in this context, passed around the body. But some sig- proved the pain-killer Ziconotide, de- debates on some of the most press- Government Chief Scientifi c Adviser, highlighting the ever-pressing issue of nals communicate unpleasant sensa- rived from snail cone toxin, for use as ing contemporary issues in politics, and the award winning science fi c- good and bad practice in science com- tions, like pain. a non-addictive pain-killer substitute culture and science. Th e battles are tion writer Ken Macleod. Th is strand munication. Student discounts are Black mamba venom contains pain- for morphine. an opportunity, says the Institute, to of talks will aim to dissect the ethical available; for more information visit. killing proteins called mambalgins. Th e venom of the Israeli yellow scor- be fearless in the face of controversy questions surrounding emerging sci- http://www.battleofi deas.org.uk/ FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER 17

Fashion Editors: Alex Ramadan, Saskia Verhagen, Alice Yang FASHION [email protected] A bluffer’s guide to fashion month If one more person asks me what ‘actually happens’ during fashion week I will stub you with my Manolo

Saskia Verhagen Fashion Editor Kloss waved her fan-shaped clutch stodgy practicality and into a modern bag wearing a crisp white shirt and form of British glamour. Shapes were fl oor-length black sequinned crochet 1940s-inspired – capes and capelets; For those unfamiliar, fashion month skirt, topped with a black felt boater, skirts to the knee. However the show is a bi-annual occasion made up of followed by fl uttering white organza was anything but demure: shorts were fashion weeks in the four fashion ruffl es, and a red fi shtail dress with a super-short, colours were brassy me- capitals, where the fashion commu- fl ouncing black bolero jacket. tallics and rich brights. nity (editors, buyers, bloggers and Oscar’s show had more variety – Milan is home to the iconic Italian celebrities alike) collects to view the from perfectly cut black gowns and brands: Gucci, Fendi, Prada, Versace, major designers’ collections for the a Cruella DeVil monochrome sheath and Dolce and Gabbana. Each collec- following season. Th is September saw dress to the full-blown embellished tion walked to the beat of a completely the presentations for spring/summer glory of a turquoise blue feathered unique drum: at Prada we were in Ja- 2013, beginning in New York. ballgown and a strapless fuschia num- pan, at Dolce in Sicily, and at Versace Th e major trend-setting collec- ber embroidered with green pom- it was a vampy Italian incarnation of tions to watch in New York are Marc poms – a sure bet for the red carpet. Coachella. Th en, Fendi showed graph- Jacobs and Alexander Wang – the new Anna Wintour graces very few ic, fur-trimmed 60s silhouettes, and at school. Wang went with a predictably shows at London Fashion Week – Gucci there were bright colour-block- monochrome palette, as well as his despite being London-born, she only ing and 70s shapes. signature streamlined sporty silhou- began attending LFW a cou- However, the high point of fashion ette – nothing new to report there, ple of seasons ago. Now month was certainly Paris. Gareth bar some cutout detailing and (the though, London is Pugh was startlingly beautiful and ro- highlight of NYFW) his devastat- home to some excit- mantic yet severe, with blood-stained ingly chic 3-year-old niece, Aila, ing designers – Erdem, eye-makeup – to me it screamed Li- in the front row, complete with Christopher Kane, and lith-chic. Vampires and fang-bangers black alligator print halter dress, Christopher Bailey everywhere: Pugh is where it’s at. mini Chanel 2.55, Ray Ban Way- for Burberry Pror- Balenciaga was thrilling and sexy, farers and tiny Nikes. sum. Other British with fl ashes of skin in plentiful supply: Jacobs’ show served as labels, including Ghesquière showed plunging sweet- a prelude to his off ering at Stella McCartney, heart necklines, bare midriff s under Louis Vuitton. Starting at home Alexander Mc- suits, and skirts cut shockingly high at his own label, he showed thick Queen and Ga- on the thigh. Th ere were handbags at stripes in a Factory Girl-inspired reth Pugh have dawn at the Saint Laurent show. When show, with fl ared shapes and since decamped Hedi Slimane didn’t off er New York simple styling – hair backcombed to Paris, consid- Times Fashion Editor Cathy Horyn a at the crown and tied into a low ered a more prestig- seat at his fi rst collection at the house, ponytail, with thick black eye- ious place to show. she proceeded to review his show as liner. Later, at his show for Louis Kane and Erdem lacklustre (it was). Haider Ackermann Vuitton in Paris, he showed an shared a common continues to be a Paris highlight. amped-up version: more six- pallete of sweet pas- So, what’s the parting message? ties shapes but this time, bold tels, though Erdem What should you be stocking up on checks both in chic mono- punctuated his with for next season, and what trends are chrome and in 60s brights: fl ashes of fl uorescent going to look so old that you won’t avocado green and lemon brights and Kane even be able to deal with it? Th e sim- yellow. Th e Damier print with touches of ple conclusion to fashion week is that handbags also found them- punk – gaff er tape, each editor, stylist, buyer and consum- selves reincarnated in the fi ligree rubber, and er draws their own conclusion. Th ere new colours. leather. Th e pieces are some trends that surface as THE Lifetime members of New York, were trim and ladylike, yet trends for the season, but some fade and stars of red carpet glamour, Os- modern in fabric and cut. into the ether. Block colours, mono- car de la Renta and Ralph Lauren At Burberry, Bailey seems chrome and beautifully cut trousers did not disappoint. Th e fi rst half of to be moving the brand out of will be a highlight, but the fact is that Lauren’s show might have appeared what trickles down into the hands of like a Spanish costume drama, com- “Oh girl that the ordinary consumer is dictated plete with fringed piano shawls, Prada fox stole is largely by the major editors and buy- matador jackets and fl amenco ruf- from like, before I ers. And also what the people at Zara fl es. However the Latin theme came was born. Not chic.” and Topshop think that you might Clockwise from top: Gareth Pugh, Balenciaga, Haider Ackermann into its own for eveningwear: Karlie like. 18 FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER

Business Editor: Deepka Rana BUSINESS [email protected] Productivity solutions Dr. Magdalena Bak-Maier responds to students’ queries

ersonally, I do not issue here seems to be about using example, a person lacking confi dence sults. I often fi nd that we all lack spe- think that procras- procrastination as a strategy to de- may self-sabotage without being cifi c skills and that’s what’s diffi cult to tination is entirely lay action/decision to avoid doing aware of this. Th is is done to ensure face as it requires extra work. Coach- P bad. While we delay something that may turn out to be that their original thinking that they ing as a developmental intervention the work, we may fi nd less than ideal. Procrastination where can’t do it turns out to be right. How does not give advice. A coach helps out a shortcut or a better way to fi nish nothing is done out of fear of doing unfortunate you may think. Accord- you fi nd your own answers by work- the work in short time. As Aaron Burr something wrong, is equal to avoid- ing to Daniel Pink, author of Drive, ing things out for yourself in a similar wisely said, “Never do today what you ance. Such procrastination will leave there are three characteristics that style to the exercises in my book Get can do tomorrow. Something may oc- the person having to face last minute ensure motivation, or as Daniel calls Productive. Sometimes, our thinking cur to make you regret your premature pressures, work under unnecessary it, drive. Drive makes people work can get very muddled, and decisions action.” Do I really waste something stress and often delivers less than hard for a result. To have drive one can be made for the wrong reasons. while I decided to put off the work? perfect result. Th is is not productive. needs to have autonomy to make in- We all make mistakes but to persist in Could I be productive as well when I Many procrastinators mistakenly be- Dr. Magdalena Bak-Maier dependent decisions (Example: If I one is silly. Working with a coach or a am waiting for an idea to come up? – lieve that they do their best work un- am studying economics it’s because mentor can help unravel the underly- Guang Yang, EEE undergraduate. der pressure of the last minute. More I really want to and not because my ing causes for how come something often than not, they lack any bench- reer for themselves and are unhappy? parents thought it was a good idea), is the way it is and help you take ac- Procrastination is not bad in itself. mark around work which they did not In the latter case, does your coaching being able to see/notice one’s skills tion to improve it. So be honest with In fact our brains procrastinate for a have to rush. In my experience, when strategy shift from productivity devel- and mastery grow (Exp: As I have a yourself and then talk to other people reason: this may be to gather infor- they try to tackle a project in a more opment to career advice? – Clinton passion for the subject, studies be- whose opinion you value and respect mation, generate ideas or simply be- planned way, they are amazed at the Cahall, Physics postgraduate. come a pleasure because I am really and get to clarifying your thinking. It cause of other priorities. Some people quality of the results and realise the interested in what I discover and learn may also be worth to explore the oth- appear to be procrastinating because power of eff ective procrastination. To discern whether one has trouble and I become more knowledgeable) er attractors that are making you not they are not doing any explicit or vis- Only by increasing self awareness and staying on point because one is not and having some certainty that the ef- appear or be ‘on point’. Th ey may well ible work, and yet, their brain is ac- learning about oneself can one make motivated or whether there’s some fort contributes to something larger; hold the answer to your question. tually gathering relevant information best choices when to procrastinate other reason for lack of results one a greater purpose (Exp: My studies in and working things out. If during and how to do so productively. has to be really honest with oneself. material design will help create recy- the ‘procrastination’ phase ideas are Th is is probably the hardest thing clable fabrics that adjust to people’s CONGRATS! created, links are made, information How diffi cult is it to discern between a to do in my experience and yet also mood and are inexpensive). If you is gathered however unconsciously, person who is just having trouble stay- a sign of true strength. Sometimes can say yes to all three conditions and Clinton Cahall has won a signed resulting in a sense of readiness and ing on point, from a person who may talking to a learning professional or yet still feel not ‘on point’, then it is copy of Dr. Bak-Maier’s Get preparedness and ample time to ex- be suff ering a lack of productivity be- a coach can help, as confi dence fea- possible you may lack specifi c skills Productive! ecute the work, then that’s good. Th e cause they have chosen the wrong ca- tures strongly in this equation. For or knowledge to help you realise re- Good service vs. good marketing

Máximo Sanz Hernández he designed and invented the world’s fi rst need to know how to sell it! We’ll illus- enough to for the company to reach their existing need and the fact that it works indoor stink bug light trap. He had come trate this with a couple of very clear ex- current dimensions. Th ey follow a solid the way it should. You should think about up with a good product that worked per- amples. business model that has made Rolex how you will deliver your product: the What should you do if you stumble fectly and fulfi lled a need that was unsat- McDonald’s, Burger King and big cor- watches a status symbol rather than just channels through which your customers upon a great idea for a product with isfi ed until then. He patented his product porate fast food chains sell a product of precise watches. Th eir branding allows want to be reached and the relations you high demand in a certain market seg- and started taking orders online, what very little quality. In fact, probably most them to sell their product as a luxurious want to develop with your customers. ment? Many fi rst-time entrepreneurs could go wrong? of the freshers that have just arrived to good, obtaining high margin profi ts for Th ink about the resources you need and have found themselves in this situation During the fi rst two months Andrew Imperial clueless about how to fry an it. whether you can partner up with some- before, and most of them do not manage took in almost $100,000 in sales. How- egg will be able to produce a better ham- As you can see, these are both exam- one else that can provide them to you. By to turn their idea into a successful busi- ever, sales have been fl at ever since. Even burger in a few months’ time than the ples of extremely successful companies, solving all these issues you are eff ectively ness. While there are many things that though the start looked promising, his one you get with your Big Mac. However, and what they have in common is not elaborating your own business plan. can go wrong in the process (within or company did not have a good growing I can assure you that they won’t make as that they provide a good product or ser- Finally, you will have to create a brand beyond your control), a very common business model. As soon as the product much money if they decide to start sell- vice, but the fact that they are driven by that people can identify, and this is the mistake you could make is thinking that was out in the market, corporate com- ing them. Fast food corporations priori- a good business model that allows them tricky bit. Th ere is plenty of material on- the quality of your product will undoubt- petitors developed their own, and they tise their food making and delivering sys- to create a solid brand. Th at being said, line and on textbooks on how to build edly lead you to success. Unfortunately, a have now taken the entire market share tem over the quality of their product, and we should not underestimate the impor- a successful brand, but you will have to good product will not be enough if you with what is an inferior product, but bet- that is a business model that has proven tance of delivering a good product, but make sure that this brand is consistent don’t have a good business model back- ter delivered. As a lone entrepreneur, to be successful for them. It allows them without a proper business plan you will with your business model. You will want ing it up. Andrew had limited ability to compete, to scale up their business fairly easily and not be able to grow your business to its to focus on diff erent areas depending on Amongst the many people that have but with a solid business model he could build a strong brand so that the company full potential. the strengths and weaknesses of your made the same mistake in the past is bud- have found investors or corporations can grow far beyond the size of small and So let’s go back to the key question: service, as well as the nature of your tar- ding entrepreneur Andrew Strube. As he willing to invest or partner with him. medium enterprises. What should you do if you have a great get market segment. Finding the appro- describes on his website, Andrew moved Th is happens to be a constant for any Let’s now look at Rolex, a company idea you want to turn into a business? priate balance between a good product into a house inundated with stink bugs business, and is one of the reasons why whose aim is to make the best looking, First of all you should identify your mar- and its successful marketing will enable in 2009. He tried to fi nd a solution for it branding is so important for a company: most precise watches in the world. Th ey ket segment (who your potential cus- your company to reach its full potential. but he couldn’t fi nd any product in the if your product is not good, you need to have been producing the best watches for tomers are) and the value you deliver to Maximo is a representative of Imperial market that worked eff ectively against know how to sell it; but even if you have over a hundred years, but the quality of the customer. Th at’s what makes your Entrepreneurs. For more information see the bugs, so after running out of options the best product in the market, you still their product itself would not have been product good: the fact that it fulfi lls an www.imperialentrepreneurs.com FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER 19 Food Editors: Carol Ann Cheah, Sophia Goldberg, Yiango Mavrocostanti FOOD [email protected]

15 Eccleston Street Boisdale of Belgravia London What’s for breakfast? SW1W 9LX

Food Editor The food review Carol Ann Cheah Charles Betts I’m going rogue and pouring You don’t need me to rehash that old LOADS of milk on the cereal cliché about breakfast being the most I hadn’t been to the Belgra- If nothing else, important meal of the day, seeing as it’s via branch of Boisdale for a sexy red been nattered on enough. Some of you around three years. You who skip breakfast might even want see, the last time I went I to stab my eyeballs for even bringing had the worst date of my it up. However, for the majority of you life. Not one to judge some- who skimp on it because you rolled one for their job title, I took out of bed with precious little time to an Exotic Credit Trader at spare, this one’s for you. A major plus Barclays Capital to dinner is that these things won’t give you a for what should have been severe sugar crash afterwards. Th ank a stonking night out. But it us for the improved concentration in pre-chop your nuts and fruit – or you smooth, your call) and top with some all went wrong at the wine. lectures later. could even make a serving of this the dried fruit/extra nuts. Th is ensures Faced with not so much a wine list but what can better be described as a leath- Most of these things can be partially night before and then grab it on your that you get your energy in a slow and er bound encyclopaedia of vintages, I asked my companion if she had a prefer- made the night before, and then eaten way out the door! steady release, thanks to the peanut ence – she said she did not. “Red or white?” I asked. She said red. I ordered a on the walk to lectures with minimal Fruit Quesadilla: Yeah, this one may butter. You also get a protein and fi b re bottle of Sancerre Rouge, described in the book as “showing a great finesse, the utensil use (or even in the lecture thea- a bit of a weird-sounding idea – es- boost in this meal! tannins soft and elegant.” Classy, I hoped she’d think. I hoped wrong. I tasted tre if you can get away with it – be pecially since Granny Smith apples Pop Toast: We haven’t gone mad try- the wine, it was fine. She tasted the wine, pulled a face and blurted “Eurgh, I discreet though, and if it says it’s not replace the meat. But cheddar cubes ing to re-invent the wheel – these are can’t possibly drink that, it’s not full-bodied enough.” Stunned, not quite sure allowed in your lecture theatre then have been known to coexist with ap- better than Pop Tarts because you get how to react or what to do, I watched as she ordered her own glass of wine. don’t do it). Trust me, I’ve tried! ple chunks in salad, so it’s not that so much fl exibility (apart from the sug- Vulgarity may be no substitute for wit, but all I could do was curse. I pretended Dressed-up Yogurt: I’m a sucker for far-fetched. You can make part of this ar overload of the latter, tsk tsk). For a to need the loo, got up, walked past the bar to pay for my wine and escaped fl avoured yogurts from time to time; ahead by prepping a fl our tortilla – basic jam Pop Toast, butter two slices from the restaurant. but this is defi nitely far better for you scatter some grated cheddar over it of bread lightly, and then top with jam Last Friday, I went back with my girlfriend. And, wow, what a night! The food as you have more control over cost and and pre-slice your apples thinly (use leaving a half-inch border around the is fantastic – we had Colston Bassett Stilton ravioli (rich and warm), Hebridean the stuff that goes into it. Grab a small lemon juice to stop them browning.) edges. Cut the crusts off and seal the handpicked crab (fresh and light), Rabbit and Scottish girolles pie (creamy and tub of plain yogurt (normal or Greek, In the morning, scatter your apple slic- “tart” by pressing the edges together tender) and Sirloin steak on the bone with béarnaise sauce (proper steak, just full-fat or low fat, we don’t discrimi- es on the cheese-laden tortilla and top with a fork – just like how you would a how it should be). But the greatest triumph, the truest charm of the place, was nate) and slap on a couple of teaspoons with another tortilla. Blast in the mi- pie crust. Slide it into the toaster (you first a foot stomping piano player who assaulted the keys with tunes such as of your favourite jam – use honey to crowave on high for a few minutes so get to control how “well done” you like Don’t Get Around Much Anymore and then a New Orleans style quartet blast- sweeten. Add a handful of your favour- the cheese melts, then cut into wedges. it) and that’s brekkie done! You could ing out numbers like When You’re Smiling. The place was alive, oozing, buzz- ite chopped nuts or fruit (anything Arriba! try other combinations including thin- ing, teeming with atmosphere. Restaurants like this are what makes living in a works) and you’re good to go! Peanut Butter Waffl e: Forget the ly-sliced fruit, peanut butter, Nutella big city worth all the hassle; the overcrowding, the overpriced rent. Who cares I’ve managed to whip these up in syrup-laden waffl es you know – apart (for you chocoholics) – or even cream if it was raining outside, if the District line was partially suspended? about a minute when severely rushed. from the sugar spike/low, they’re just cheese and ham slices if you want it Top food, top music, top company. And the wine? We drank a roaring full- My favourite combo both in colour too sticky and messy to eat on the savoury. bodied Sangiovese di Romagna. and fl avour: strawberry jam and pista- go. Spread a warm bran/whole-grain (Loosely adapted from Not Without chios. To save even more time, you can waffl e with peanut butter (chunky or Salt) Delicious “green“ dishes!

Yiango Mavrocostanti Food Editor

Yes, the food at SAF restaurant is green, and by green I mean good to the environment. Most of the dishes are raw, which means that they are prepared at temperatures below 48°C. You would never believe that raw food can be so exciting! We had a two course meal which included starter and main course. Th is is the fi rst starter, called Dol- mades with Tzazyki. Very nice presentation but I was not impressed with the taste. Very diff er- ent from the traditional Dolmades, which are stuff ed with rice and vegeta- bles. Instead, these are fi lled with cau- lifl ower rice, pine nuts, cumin, lemon Poivre. Now this was amazing! On the pink peppercorn crust on top went so because they really are expensive and texture. Th e chillies and the lime on juice, and dill. Th ey were served with left is the cashew cheese with the layer well together. I haven’t had the chance to try them the side was a nice touch, ensuring a vegan yoghurt and cucumber dip. of the basil pesto, in the centre is the And the main! Th is was a real mon- before. I was not disappointed. Th at that both the people who like citrus What I did not like was the cumin, rocket salad and on the right some ster. I had the SAF Pad Th ai and I am huge mountain is made from Julienne fl avours or spicy food will enjoy this as I believe it overpowered the other raw fl axseed crackers. I cannot de- very glad I chose it. Th e fi rst thing that strips of carrot, mangetout and cour- dish to the maximum. And I should great, fresh ingredients. scribe how delicious the cashew made me very excited was the enoki gette. It also has mung beans and spicy not forget the Nori sheet, which made Th e second starter is the Pesto au cheese was. Its creamy texture and the mushrooms on the side of the plate cashews, which added a great crunchy me believe I was eating fi sh. PLEASE SPONSOR NED Ned has just fi nished Ironman Wales 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile cycle, then a marathon. ALL IN ONE DAY He did it to raise money for the Cystic Fibrosis Trust, so please dig deep and spare a few of your pennies. The person who gives the most will be allowed to touch his tan lines.

You can sponsor him by visiting www. justgiving.com/NedsIronman OR by tex- ting 'IRON66 £x' where x is the amount you'd like to give to 70070. Both ways of donating go straight to the charity. If you send the text, the amount will be taken out of your phone bill. 22 FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER

Arts Editors: Eva Rosenthal, ARTS Meredith Thomas [email protected] Superhuman

Tonight, Tonight Meredith Thomas ventures into the weird land Today I found you trying. Tonight I feel you breezing. A cold wind blows to tease me. of the cyborgs at the Wellcome Collection Aw bleeding never ceases. Today I heard you talking. Go to Sleep Tonight I meet you screaming. hat do dildos, A dense smoke fills a clearing. My eyes are a star-shaped gift wheelchairs and A language dies of meaning. from the sky; steroids have in Today I left you shining. I hope to believe their version W common? Th ere Tonight I find you freezing. of life. are probably A wolf’s howl makes it easy. My heart is as soft as snow only two places in London you will A scarecrow never pleases. glowing white; fi nd these three things in conjunc- Today I saw you walking. It feels bitter-sweet, but tion. One of them is not suitable for Tonight I hear you breathing. warm deep inside. a family newspaper, the second is the My fear is confusing shadow Wellcome Collection. In the latter and light, case their justifi cation for sharing a Dreaming until I forget which room is their function as devices with is mine. which humans have tried to improve, repair or augment their bodies. Th is is a theme that should excite scientists by Paul Cosma and artists and equal measure. Cannily placed in the middle of an Olympic summer, Superhuman ex- Got a sonnet up your sleeve, a verse in your purse or a haiku in your plores the theme of human enhance- [email protected] trousers? Submit your work to ! ment. Despite the timing, the show My caption-writing skills have finally expands the premise to wider contexts been rendered useless than simply sport. Th e curators have pulled together an unapologetically idiosyncratic show with a rambling scope, sitting somewhere between clothing are very familiar examples of move beyond aesthetic enhancements gallery, museum and Coney Island this desire to artifi cially change one’s towards ones that give us new or im- freak show. Th is will be familiar to an- image. proved abilities, there are some that yone who has visited the venue before. Th e second thrust historically has believe a new tranche of functional However the 100 artefacts, including been medicinal and restorative. How- implants and modifi cations are on artworks, videos and archaeological ever thought has been limited to sim- the way. Does it, however, follow that curiosities, defi nitely make for an im- ply replacing lost functionality. Th ese merely because we have the technol- pressive collection. eff orts have often been abysmal, clum- ogy, we should use it? Typically of the Collection, you are sy failures. At the end of the show the we are not permitted to simply browse and Th ere are more speculative and led into the realm of the the hardcore The Tanks @ Tate Modern – Don’t miss out on making your way to the experimen- enjoy. Th e curators seek to poke your refl ective exhibits too. Th ere are ex- transhumanist. We are introduced to tal performance space currently found in the stark and industrial galleries of the conscience and provoke your imagina- amples of comic book heroes with the concept of enhancements directly Tate Modern. Closes October 28. tion with every step. Th e fi rst question superhuman abilities and interviews integrated with the body, not to re- the curators ask is what we mean by with futurists fretting about the social place missing function but to add new Three Sisters @ Young Vic – This sounds like a particularly modernised retelling of enhancement. We probably all agree impact of cybernetics. abilities. Chekhov’s play, keeping only its spirit alive. Until November 3. that medical innovations designed to Th e show has undoubtedly benefi ted Th ere are strange videos of patients repair or replace function lost through from the interest in Paralympic sport overcome by cybernetic infections Moniker Art Fair 2012 @ The Village Underground – The alternative to Frieze Art illness or injury count. Th is would in- over the summer. One the interesting and the wheelchair of dead artist Don- Fair this week in London. If you are not a fan of the contemporary art world, per- clude prosthetic legs and pacemakers themes that emerges is the changing ald Rodney roams freely around the haps this is the show for you, showcasing the best of urban culture. October 11-14. but are we willing to count sex toys, attitudes to disability prompted by gallery, tracking lonely trajectories. Admission can be free if you choose the right time. high heels and recreational drugs? technical advance. Th ese artworks speak of our fears and How confi dent do we feel about a fu- One of the exhibits, a rare screening discomfort surrounding the idea of Tuesdays @ The Flying Dutchman – An exhibition space in Camberwell, dedicated ture where transhumanist dreams of of Matthew Barney’s fi lm Cremaster changing and adding to our own bod- to promoting young local artists. Every Tuesday, 5pm until midnight, entrance is implants and robotic limbs start to reveals athlete and model Aimee Mul- ies. We recognise tattoos and pierc- free and drinks are 30% off for students. What more could you want? look a lot less far-fetched? lins (pictured top) in all her unconven- ings as fairly normal, are bionic devic- Th e result is an inclusive and slightly tional beauty. es a natural extension of these ancient Richard Hamilton: The Late Works @ The National Gallery – Previously unseen subversive exhibition. Th e very fi rst In case you are unaware of Mullins, practices? works, some expressly comissioned for this show, by one of the inventors of Pop thing you see as you enter the space is suffi ce to say she is gorgeous from the Dreams of a new bionic dawn re- Art. Until January 13 2013. a tiny 2000-year-old stature of Icarus. knees up. Her extraordinary athletic main largely in the realm of science Th is one tiny fi gure is a concise alle- prowess and a widely viewed TED fi ction, due to cost, legality, ethical gory for the timelessness of mans’ im- talk, discussing her disability, have concerns or the harsh reality of what is perative to enhance and the inherent made her an infl uential proponent of possible. Occasionally however, these pitfalls that result. What follows is a this change in attitude. realms do drift closer to reality. Out journey past Egyptian false toes, goth- She now has designers fi ghting for there on the fringes is where things ic devices for assisting thalidomide the chance to create prosthetic legs for get a little weird. Black-and-white mo- victims and photographic histories of her and fi lm makers like Barney queu- rality starts to give way to some rather drug scandals from the early days of ing up. His piece shows her wearing a uncomfortable shades of grey. the Tour de France. range of unconventional prosthetics You have one week left to catch Su- What really hit home from the ex- aimed at challenging ideas of body perhuman at the Wellcome Collec- hibition is that the instinct to add an image. Th ese include animal inspired tion. Your thoughts will be forcibly augment is so very old. Previously aes- works and jellyfi sh tentacles. provoked. After all, with glasses on ‘Portrait of the woman as the artist’ by Hamilton thetic enhancement has been a domi- Th ings are certainly changing, with our heads and the phones in our pock- nant theme. Jewellery, make-up and technology off ering real potential to ets, we are all cyborgs already. FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER 23

Books Editor: Maciej Matuszewski [email protected] BOOKS Masterpiece of the Mundane Matt Allinson Writer manages to god-forsaken personality is known to avoid reading you. Th e fi nal result is that the reader like it’s well is stuck reading a book full of people Much has been said derisively of the over half the they hate. German sense of humour, but my length of War And so the book proceeds for at favourite book review of all time, & Peace, despite least 550 of it’s 600 pages. Remark- translated for me by a friend, was of actually being so. ably, considering its core of four Jonathan Franzen’s 2010 work and ap- Unfortunately, characters and a plot focusing on peared in a the German newspaper however, Franzen the collapse of the marriage be- Süddeutsche Zeitung. Th e closing pas- is a complete tween two of them, it feels like it sage of it read, simply: “It’d probably bell-end. If a book comprehensively and cynically be unbearably boring if it wasn’t such is about a white, deals with every single talis- a masterpiece”. middle-class liberal manic problem liberal America Th is critical assessment is arguably American of mixed prides itself on having a voice true for all brilliant books (and fi lms, Jewish/Scandina- on: Family, Tradition, Mental and albums, and art) however with vian heritage from Health, Environmentalism, Freedom it feels particularly salient. Minnesota and is Women’s Rights, Commer- Th e story itself rotates around the life written by a white, cialism and Th e Iraq War. Th e and dysfunctions of a normal-enough middle-class liberal central theme that holds all middle-class family: dysfunctions American of mixed these together though is free- which have been well-worn by soap- Jewish/Scandinavian dom — perhaps unsurprising operas and agony aunts but, when ex- heritage from Minne- given the name of the book plored in Freedom, become painfully sota, and that guy is a — and the novel explorers real and thoroughly absorbing. bell-end, then his book its meanings and conse- Th e sheer length and depth of the is very likely to be full quences, for good and ill. book is physically daunting. At several of complete bell-ends. By subtly combining points throughout the story I could Unfortunately Franzen enough food for thought feel the plot reaching a point that is so good at writing that on broad moral dilemmas, another author could’ve comfortably a) you don’t want to put expertly satirising recent began wrapping up, however with an the book down because periods of western his- output of just under one book a dec- reading his writing is too tory and society but all ade, Franzen isn’t in any hurry to fi n- damn enjoyable and b) the the while keeping it to ish. By employing several interesting characters are so robustly within the confi nes of writing techniques — for example by produced and their char- an entirely relatable and not only shifting the imagined story acter so expertly conveyed moving personal family teller, but also the imagined audience through fantastic story tell- story, Franzen weaves of the story being told — and by fo- ing that every last little irri- a masterpiece from the cusing on only 4 characters, Freedom tating despicable part of their truly mundane. Time to spare — try these fi ve great new reads

Th e much anticipated latest novel in Orange prize winner Zadie Smith re- Despite Hamilton being best known Scalzi’s latest novel parodies the ten- While Rowling’s fi rst novel for adults Iain M. Banks epic space opera series. turns to writing with another highly for his trilogies and long series, his ancy in Star Trek of redshirted secu- has received mixed reviews, it’s still As with all of Banks’ work you can acclaimed novel. NW tells the pow- latest off ering is a standalone novel. rity offi cers dying with alarming reg- worth a look. While certainly not a expect this to be an intelligent and erful story of four people from an Th is is the perfect opportunity get ularity while main characters remain highbrow masterpiece much of the highly engaging read. All the Culture impoverished North West London acquainted with this brilliant author unscathed. While not yet published fl air that made Harry Potter such a novels are standalone so this is a great housing block development. A must before he visits the College for the in the UK you can get a US import phenomenon is still on show. A good oppertunity to get into the series. read that deserves all of its accolades. Picocon SF convention in February. from Forbidden Planet. if unchallenging novel. 24 FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER Music Editors: Mark England, Ross Gray, Simon Hunter, MUSIC Íñigo Martinez de Rituerto [email protected]

You Don’t Have To MS Paint Comp! Call It Music Pt. 1 Contemporary classical by Íñigo Martinez de Rituerto

I was brought up to disown classical music. When I wanted rock & roll, I got baroque. Admire conventional wisdom as sacrosanct and do not touch. Un- fortunately, it took years for me to gain any sort of interest in classical music, and when I did, it was decidedly towards the anarchic end of the spectrum. Despite the polite waltzes and majestic sonatas of centuries past, the shape of modern composition takes an altogether more tumultuous form. This convention is what deteriorates the so-called “serious music, domesti- cated under the barbarous name of classical so as to enable one to turn away from it again in comfort,” as Theodor Adorno put it in his essay, On the Fetish Character of Music and the Regression of Listening. In fact, not only the audi- ence but even the composers grew tired of the servile rectitude of the simplis- tic, predictable, and almost patronizing plays of harmony. One Arnold Sch- oenberg, all but single-handedly banished conventionality in music with his twelve-tone technique, dubbed serialism, decidedly defenestrating tonality altogether. His cacophonic approach was equally revered and reviled by the new and old respectively. Regardless, it came at a time when music was more hackneyed than ever. Opening our ears to atonality was a way of breaking free from convention and exploring new ground in an agoraphobic art. Before this explosion into unknown territory, some composers had already begun to unravel the creases in the partiture. Hungarian Béla Bartók is said to have been the first to use a method akin to serialism in 1908, before Schoen- berg concretized it in 1921. Two years before, Richard Strauss sonified per- versions on biblical characters, which culminated in necrophilia, in his opera Salomé based on the play by Oscar Wilde. His most famous work, Thus Spoke Zarathustra, was inspired by the Nietzsche’s opus, which claimed that “God is dead.” Later, Igor Stravinsky would incite a riot in the concert hall with his orchestral ballet The Rite of Spring. Truly, the times of genteel eloquence and pompous balladry were now reserved for the ignorantly arrogant. After the collapse of Europe in the wake of WWII, when harmonic excess and euphoric beauty was no longer fit to entice the hearts of a broken con- tinent, a new resurgence in dissonance took form. Krzysztof Penderecki’s Threnody to the Victims of Hiroshima is perhaps one of the most chilling and illustrative documents of the zeitgeist. The violins open with a single chord, merging a million crying voices into one agonized shrill, shivering in terror. The cacophony quickly falls apart as the glissandos turn to staccatos like col- lapsing footsteps, eventually giving way to a void of silence. These elements permeate the entire piece, painting a terrifying vision of man’s greatest dis- covery turned into its greatest misfortune. The pristine face of the orchestra turned into an ominous and macabre portrait of the depths of mankind. The listener was plunged beneath the safe space between whole notes and half- tones, into a flood of dissonance and conflicting harmonics. Yet this was not merely a chaotic mass. The dissonance induces a calculated state of terror. It was mankind recoiling at the mere thought of itself. Something stranger than taboo, something seemingly unnatural, but so innate. This tendency towards abstraction from our imperfect nature was further elevated by Iannis Xenakis. Xenakis used his training as an architect to make up for his lack of musical background. After fleeing his natal Greece, following the ruination wrought the fascists (where the then student’s visage was se- verely disfigured while fighting in the resistance), he found a place in Parisian brutalist-extraordinaire Le Corbusier’s architecture studio. Not long thereaf- ter he met composer Olivier Messiaen (who famously scored bird songs for orchestra) who spurred the anxious expat to use the tools at his disposal to Can you name the album covers that we’ve reproduced with the ac- pursue his musical passion, even when a classical education had been missing. Xenakis used his knowledge of structural engineering and stochastic process- curacy of that Spanish woman who tried to fi x the painting of Jesus? es - such as those found in nature, from bird flight to cellular organization - to extract music from the rigid foundations of mathematics. His most famous piece, Metastasis was composed using the same formulas as those used in de- signing the emblematic Phillips Pavilion for the 1958 World Expo in Brussels. Send us your answers to the 12 album covers drawn above to music. The New Yorker’s Alex Ross recently recounted these tremors of the XX Century in his book The Rest is Noise. The Southbank Centre are curating a [email protected]. Up for grabs is the eternal (5 day) fame of having festival from January to June of next year inspired by the Pulitzer Prize finalist. It features concerts from many of the above, as well as more manageable and your name printed in this illustrious publication, we may even print it certainly more beautiful works by Debussy, Mahler, Prokofiev, Satie and countless others. If you ever felt a curiosity but never dared confront the vast- in bold type. (Seriously though, the Felix Music budget doesn’t stretch ness of the repertoire, this may help to make some sense of it all. to actual prizes.) FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER 25 Music Editors: Mark England, Ross Gray, Simon Hunter, Íñigo Martinez de Rituerto MUSIC [email protected] Bestival: It’s in the name Alex Hooftman Music Writer including the show-stopping ‘Love Will Tear Us Apart’, played to a backdrop of Ian Curtis with the words “forever Joy Monday morning at Bestival provided Division” displayed across the screen. one of those typically British end-of- Sister Sledge (of ‘We Are Family’ fame) summer moments. As 50,000 hung-over and ever-present funk group Earth festival goers packed up, or, in many cas- Wind & Fire also raised the proverbial es, abandoned, their tents and gazebos, roof despite a sizeable age gap with the a distinct air of conclusion could be felt Bestival audience. Th at is not to say that in the rainy skies of Robin Hill Country the current generation of indie bands Park on the Isle of Wight. Th e preceding delivered lacklustre performances. Two four days could not have been in starker Door Cinema Club were as good a contrast, with intense sunshine ensur- warm up for New Order as anyone could This photo makes me hate the fact ing unfortunate burns and tan lines all have hoped for, working the main stage it is not summer anymore... round, accompanying a barmy weekend crowd into a frenzy with a combination of wide-ranged music and comedy. of new songs from recently released Not many people will argue with me album Beacon, and well-known crowd when I say that there were some extraor- pleasers from Tourist History. Friendly way through a 45 minute set, under a Although wildlife was the offi cial frenzy, accompanied by a quite incred- dinary performances at Bestival this Fires also proved to be a massive hit cloud of smoke created by their overly- theme of Bestival 2012 (and impeccably ible stage setup and lighting. By the time year, not least from the 62-year-old soul late on Sunday evening for those brave exuberant spliff -smoking fans. Friday observed by the majority), curator Rob they reached their encore, the crowd legend Stevie Wonder, who produced enough to stand through lead singer Ed evening had already provided us with a Da Bank had clearly placed an empha- was so large many stood outside the tent such a hit-packed two hour set that it Macfarlane’s ridiculous dancing, as they clash between Mercury hopefuls Alt-J sis on dance and electronic music in his to catch a glance of the duo. left many in a daze, including covers of raced through their unique brand of in- and psychedelic quartet Django Djan- lineup to go with the usual indie and I like to think of Bestival as a quirky John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ and the Beatles’ dietronica. Bestival organisers however go. Alt-J, spurred on by an expectant rock acts. Friday evening in the Big Top festival. It likes to do things a bit diff er- ‘She Loves You’. Th is was, in fact, a trend did not prove to be the most popular of crowd, overcame early nerves to show was a prime example of this, as a rousing ently to other festivals, as shown by the at Bestival this year as the older genera- fi gures on Friday evening as an awkward exactly why their album, An Awesome DJ set from Radio 1 DJ Zane Lowe was annual fancy dress theme. You’re sur- tion of performers generated the loud- clash between post-punk band, Th e Wave, reached a peak position of 19 in followed by London DJ SBTRKT and rounded by people who have a com- est cheers, with the exception of Gary Horrors, and minimalist three-piece, the charts earlier this year. Friday night, concluded by Belgian duo 2manydjs, by mon passion for a certain kind of music Numan, who decided the crowd would the XX, presented itself to the Besti- however, was dominated by one woman which time the crowd had been pound- (not always the case at R&L). Th e one prefer to hear him reel off his new brand val crowd. Th e contrast between these and her band; Florence Welch owned ed from all sides by irrepressible bass thing Reading does have in its favour, of heavy metal at the expense of his clas- two performances could not have been the night with her humongous stage for 3 hours. Saturday evening followed however, is location- who ever thought sics. Saturday’s headliners New Order, greater, as the main stage crowd were presence and extraordinary voice. From a similar trend as a rousing rendition it would be a good idea to host a festi- with 56 year old Bernard Sumner at the rewarded with the XX’s only UK festi- what I recall, she did not miss a single of ‘Pon De Floor’ by Major Lazer was val on an island? I would recommend helm, captured the imagination with an val performance this summer, sending note, even on her recent number one followed by many peoples’ highlight of Bestival to anyone who goes to a festival immaculate delivery of their hits, com- shivers down the spine of those watch- ‘Spectrum’ which the crowd tried (and the weekend, as Justice taught a lesson for the music and is not put off by the bined with several Joy Division songs ing. Th e Horrors however, blitzed their failed) to sing along to. in how to work a crowd into an absolute queues. French Radio: Pourqoui pas? AMS’ album of the week Tame Impala - Lonerism

Lily Le Music Writer in English, the eff ect on her accent is its lack of gimmicks and cringey Tame Impala released their debut album, Innerspeak- makes it easier to connect to her as phone-ins from listeners. er, in 2010. A 60s throwback made of fuzzy guitar and a DJ, rather than feeling distanced by If all this takes your fancy, and your big psychedelic hooks, it was filled with catchy pop It seems as though the older you get, the posh tones of a typical French- Imperial man is still not being man songs and hum-along melodies. Their new album is a the less time there is for doing fun from-France accent. enough for your evenings, you can much more complicated affair. Lonerism is the classic things, like having sex or keeping up For those who don’t speak French, listen to LLP live between 9pm and sophomore album. It’s a band maturing, diversifying, with the best new music. (Or maybe the playlists in themselves are usually 11pm Monday-Friday by streaming experimenting, but ultimately, running out of hits. that’s just because you have a frigid worth tuning in for – that is for fans from Le Mouv website or re-listen at There is definitely a lot to like here. The opener Be boyfriend from Imperial and you fi - of electronic music and hip hop (both anytime. Above It is a really nice intro, with spoken word hidden under waves of fuzz. There’s nally have better things to do with Anglophonic and Francophonic). Be- a really nice bass line carrying the track along in Apocalypse Dreams and there’s a your time than read the slightly ridic- ing French, obviously the station has great synth part in it as well. In fact, the whole song is great until around 3 minutes ulous and shit NME). Although the the best access to artists from the when it goes a bit Pink Floyd. Why Won’t They Talk To Me is probably my favourite getting-more-sex issue hasn’t been French electro scene, who feature on the album. The dynamic changes feel natural and the bubbling synth in the back- resolved, a great solution to the latter strongly in the tracklists. Longer ex- ground is really pretty. Feels Like We Only Go Backwards is lovely too. The laughter is the Laura Leishman Project, a show clusive mixes are also a bonus and in the background of Keep on Lying is a personal highlight, it’s a shame about the on French radio station Le Mouv. can usually be easily found on inter- ending to the song. The last track is an absolute treat as well; a Tame Impala song I “Le French music? Le merde!” I net searches. can’t think of a lazy 60s comparison for. A piano and vocal affair followed by over 2 hear you cry. Much of the time this For French speakers, regular in- minutes of flange effects. It might not be that much of a treat. is the case. Many students studying terviews are a chance to get a good The problem with the album is that it consistently overruns. The intro is great, French and trying to improve aural insight into French musicians when but it should be just that, an intro, not a full length song. Long songs need to go skills will come across the inability to English interviews may restrict their somewhere and that doesn’t seem to be something Tame Impala excel at. There fi nd a good French radio show which expression. English-speaking artists are several 5 or 6 minute tracks here and they all either go nowhere and become plays good music. Th ere probably are are interviewed and have their re- really dull (Music To Walk Home By and Keep on Lying) or go somewhere that re- very few others apart from LPP which sponses translated. Reviews on new ally doesn’t work (Apocalypse Dreams and Nothing That Has Happened…). She Just ticks both these boxes. music by guests are also featured, Won’t Believe Me is really shit as well. It sounds like a proper song and then just Hosted by the lively Laura Leish- similar to the format on British ra- stops. I don’t see the point, it doesn’t sound good, it’s not clever. It’s trying too hard man, she does a right job of engaging dio shows and public interaction is at it’s most bizarre. the listener and making them pas- sometimes encouraged through the This album is not bad, but I don’t think it’s particularly good either. Instead, I’m sionate about the music she plays. medium of suggesting songs for silly going to patronisingly call it “promising”. There’s enough here that I think they have Even her voice is a pleasure to listen themes at the end of the night. De- a great album in them, it’s just not quite there yet. to. Being of Swiss origin and fl uent spite this, the best part of the show 26 FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, FILM John Park, Lucy Wiles fi [email protected] Emma Watson’s tasty wallflower

Director: Stephen Chbosky Screenwriter: Stephen Chbosky Ron and Harry got hotter...... Starring: Logan Lerman, Emma Watson, Ezra Miller

Lucy Wiles Film Editor

Adapted and directed by the author himself, Stephen Chbosky’s Th e Perks of Being a Wallfl ower is an enthusias- tic, somewhat rushed, American teen- age rite-of-passage story. Although a good premise and a best-selling novel, the fi lm itself is distinctly over-full and does appear to have been put together a little hastily – or not ed- ited well enough to reduce the book to fi lm length. Th at said, this modern classic tale is generally well acted and well scripted. fi rst few semesters of high school. As ally any better than his old, lonely life? in Lynne Ramsay’s We Need to Talk sions, seemingly to deal with past de- Back in the Nineties, young teen the school year progresses, Charlie Still trying to cast off Hermione’s About Kevin, expectations were ris- mons), supposedly to emphasise the Charlie (Logan Lerman – Percy Jack- fi nds himself the half-reluctant, half- Hogwarts robes, Watson does a good ing surrounding Miller’s performance key points of the tale. Unfortunately, son and the Lightning Th ief) is a quiet, delighted centre of attention within job in a role that is a little compli- in this, his latest venture. Sadly, al- the drama fails to support this theme, sensitive, emotional type, and is just the friendship group. However, the cated. One false move and it could though he does his best, one could and the brief moments of excitement starting out at a new high school in mystery surrounding both Sam (who have been horrifi c, but thankfully say he is ridiculously miscast as the are more Eastenders than fi ve-star Pittsburgh, USA. Here, his stepbroth- is supposedly more hip and music- Watson’s convincing American ac- ‘gay best friend’ – a weak role, poorly fi lm. Th e drama, too, seems like it is er Patrick (Ezra Miller – We Need to savvy than her mainstream peers, but cent and quirky acting style proved scripted and apparently mostly used only actually dramatic to the teenag- Talk About Kevin) and stepsister Sam fails to recognise Bowie’s Heroes on very eff ective here. Lerman, too, is to bulk the story out. ers throwing the tantrums. (Emma Watson – do you really need the radio) and Patrick (bitchy as hell, solid in his role as the nervous, lonely Th roughout the fi lm there is an un- All things said, it is an enjoyable and telling?) take him under their wing but appears to be hiding something Charlie – despite being relatively un- derlying thread of child abuse, suicide steady fi lm, but the idea that ‘less is and attempt to guide him through the signifi cant) leaves naïve Charlie con- known alongside Watson. After his and suff ering (we see Charlie in a lab- more’ may have been a good notion to early twists of adolescence and the fused, upset and emotional. Is this re- signifi cant success in the role of Kevin coated therapists offi ce on a few occa- follow here. Ethan Hawte Hawke gets sweaty, wet, tense, and hard

they are in for. Director: Scott Derrickson Following the pattern most strug- (the excellent James Ransone who gripping central performance that Screenwriters: Scott Derrickson, C. Put... the lanyard... down gling writers do in fi lms, he looks to provides priceless off beat comedy), holds everything together from start Robert Cargill Scotch for his inspiration. Knocking he discovers links that aren’t too fas- to fi nish. Forget the mystery, forget Starring: Ethan Hawke back a bottle every evening without cinating or complex, and it frustrates the horror, and forget the clichéd the much feared consequences of a us to see how long he spends to con- scares. What Sinister has done so well hangover, he sets up his own inves- nect the dots. For a man who has sup- better than any other horror fi lm is tigation “wall” where photographs, posedly written popular crime novels that it has truly found a capable lead, maps, print-outs and articles are in the past, he’s not too sharp when it a rarity in horror fi lms that normally John Park Film Editor put up and tied together with bits of comes to actually doing his job. choose to go for the young ones with string. It makes very little sense to us, In the meantime he hears odd nois- looks rather than talent. He inhabits but Ellison seems to be pretty content es, loud thuds, opened doors which his role with commitment and com- It’s a shame characters in horror fi lms and know what he’s doing. But it’s not were surely locked, electronic equip- pelling energy that helps to sell the leave things until too late to put the until a miraculous discovery of home ment that was surely switched off , story, no matter just how ridiculous pieces together. Th ey spend an ago- videos that really kicks off his novel- and this carries on for several nights, everything builds up to. nising part of the running time going writing process. as Ellison is incapable of taking a hint. Th e familiar ideas do sometimes through all sorts of danger and jump So what exactly have been recorded Plus there’s the obligatory young work – but the overused cycle the scares but refuse to admit that there’s in these family home videos? Initial- daughter who sees things no one else fi lm gets itself stuck in is a tiresome something wrong with the house ly they appear harmless, of various does. Young girls in horror fi lms tra- one. It starts off with an intriguing they’re living in. It’s not entirely clear happy looking families. But in a series ditionally turn out to be more crucial premise: Th e Ring-like story a char- just what Ellison Oswalt (Hawke) is of bizarre twists, the videos go on to than they seem. Cryptic dialogue, acter stumbling across a horrifi c trying to achieve when he moves into record some horrifi c murders. Well spoken in a soft, high-pitched voice footage that marks you for all sorts of the house where an entire family was crafted and meticulously planned of an assured child showing very little terror and violent demise. But from hanged in their garden. Sure, he’s a and executed, the families helplessly emotion, drawing random pictures that point on it never builds up to true-crime writer but did he really fall victim to some grizzly, nasty mas- on the house wall; these are all text- anything truly substantial. Th e end- need to drag his family into the scene sacres. But what do these seemingly book methods of throwing together a ing is a shocking one, not the kind of the crime? He of course keeps this diff erent victims have in common? bunch of overused ideas. commonly seen in fi lms that decide little secret to himself, with his wife As he embarks on his investigative But why does this fi lm actually to play it safe, but with Sinister, it Tracy (Juliet Rylance) and two chil- journalism, often aided by a wannabe work? Despite its unnecessarily does redeem some points with a dar- dren completely unaware of what helpful but slightly dim police offi cer lengthy running time, it’s Hawke’s ing fi nale. FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER 27

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, John Park, Lucy Wiles FILM fi [email protected] 56th BFI London Film Festival John Park Film Editor Like Someone in Love Crazy Eyes Antiviral

A young Japanese student working as There is nothing wrong with exploring In a distant future where celebrity cul- Caesar Must Die a prostitute gets a call to pay an elderly the dark and twisted sides of wealth, ture has grown wildly out of control, professor a visit. She reluctantly goes, women and alcoholism, but when han- members of the public pay to receive The big winner at the Berlin Film Festival naturally assuming that the service she dled distastefully, as it is with Adam injections of diseases that were once earlier this year, this low budget but in- needs to provide would be sexual in na- Sherman’s latest feature, it can turn carried by the big shot superstars them- tricately directed and intimately staged ture. Turns out the old gentleman has into nasty, unpleasant viewing. A rich selves. It’s an odd concept diffi cult to Italian prison drama lives up to its repu- very little interest in actually sleeping young man (Lukas Haas) with a long list fully accept, which is a part of the reason tation, as inmates of a prison in Rome with her. What follows is a dull, plodding of problems turns to heavy drinking for why this social satire never fully works. rehearse for their very own production series of conversations between the two, comfort and solace. He has a string of Despite a strong, unsettling perfor- of William Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. covering a range of topics that are clearly eccentric lovers but the one he is truly mance from Caleb Landry Jones, as one Beautifully drifting in and out of their supposed to have some sort of a deeper interested in doesn’t return his feelings. of the employees of a mass pharmaceuti- world and one written by Shakespeare meaning. The two brilliant actors are giv- His obsession is creepy, her money- cal fi rm that provides such eccentric ser- himself, the prisoners (all of them actu- en plenty of room to breathe, as director grabbing, quirky behaviour is frustrat- vices who purposefully acquires the lat- ally serving time for various crimes, with Abbas Kiarostami has no problem stand- ing, and the fi lm fails to truly hone in est “disease” only to discover its deadly no prior acting experience, but giving ing back and letting the leads do all the on either of their true nature. Lacking consequences, there always exists that such raw, powerful performances) fi nd talking, but the criminally abrupt end- a single character worth giving a damn feeling of disbelief that undermines the parallel between the lives they’re lead- ing that provides absolutely no sense of about and bombarded with meaning- fi lm’s narrative drive. Still, the ideas be- ing, and the characters they’re playing. closure will surely leave everyone dumb- less, pretentious narration, there are hind the story, as well as its reflection on Very little is told about the details of struck without fail. far too few redeeming factors on offer modern day’s fi xation on fame provide prison life, but a lot can be deduced here. some food for thought for the audience. during their audition and rehearsal pro- cesses. A short, concise but undeniably stirring and surreal experience.

Grassroots In the House (Dans la Maison) Two jobless best friends decide to take on the supposedly corrupt incumbent French director Francois Ozon’s latest council member in Seattle. Their method offering is a warm blend of intriguing is to heavily campaign the use of the drama as well as downright hysterical city’s electric monorail for a cleaner, less comedy that handsomely unveils the grid-locked neighbourhood. That strat- many hidden layers in his characters and egy, along with the running man’s genu- plot points with his controlled pace. A ine, earnest albeit quirky desire to im- frustrated high-school literature teacher prove the area does gain a lot of support. fi nally fi nds a young student who shows For the campaign manager (American talent in the subject. The only hiccup is, Pie’s Jason Biggs), who started this with all the boy wants to write about is his ob- a half-hearted belief, it becomes an im- session with his friend’s mother. It’s fas- portant project that could really become cinating, disturbing, amusing all in one something legitimate. The fi lm is simple, big swoop, which is why he lets his pupil light on details and the brisk pacing does carry on with this task. But as time goes not help with the fi lm’s political aspects by the situation gets slightly out of hand, wanting to be taken more seriously, but and the two fi nd themselves in precari- the ensemble of various talents does ous positions. Sounds dead serious, but bring out the occasional outrageous often it’s not, which is one of the fi lm’s laughs. greatest strengths. 28 FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER

Film Editors: Katy Bettany, FILM John Park, Lucy Wiles fi [email protected] On the road, to nowhere

Director: Walter Salles Edward and Jacob got hotter... Screenwriters: Jacques Kerouac Insert inappropriate sexual (novel), Jose Rivera moaning caption here... baby Starring: Garrett Hedlund, Sam Riley, Kristen Stewart, Viggo Mortensen, Amy Adams, Kirsten Dunst, Elizabeth Moss, Steve Buscemi, Alice Braga, Terrence Howard

John Park Film Editor

Here is a repetitive bore of a movie in which the three main characters (Hedlund, Riley and Stewart) spend far too much time chasing three things: alcohol, drugs and sex. Yes, they’re either getting drunk, getting high, or getting laid. One of them Death to Hipsters! fancies himself as a bit of a deep- thinking writer, and he serves as the fi lm’s narrator. We see things in Sal Paradise’s (Riley) point of view, who by. His energy, his spirit, his attitude, passionate aff air with, is never fully together. ments of rather depressing revelation, records every single wild experience just everything about him clicks for explored, neither is Adams’ eccen- Credit has to go however, to the two intermittent reality checks, that tell he shares with various people in his some reason, and Moriarty immedi- tric Jane, who makes a brief cameo actors with an enormous burden of him no good can come out of any of life. ately becomes his inspiration to ven- appearance but not adding anything bringing to life the two aimless drift- this. Th is is where the more sensi- Plans to adapt Jack Kerouac’s clas- ture out into the world, live his life, substantial to what the fi lm is trying ers who are diffi cult to fi gure out. tive expression of Hedlund’s superb sic novel of the same name have been and the two hit it off becoming best of to say. Four potentially interesting Riley, driving the narrative forward showing stirs up a lot of sympathy around for decades, and here it fi nally friends. Th e two of them travel a lot, characters, played by four talented with his narration, conveys a lot of and emotions which are otherwise is, in year 2012, with a fresh, good- and we get many shots of them driv- actresses, all put to no good use as the feelings during his time of growth very lacking in the fi lm’s dry duration. looking large ensemble that tries to ing across empty roads in America, fi lm is far too busy trying to tackle and change, always keeping us updat- Basically, it all comes down to the bring out the complexities in each comfortably drifting along to their the budding, complex relationship ed with what is going on, when, why, two kids needing to grow up and character. And the talented cast does next destination, wherever that may between the two men. where and how. Although the real face the harsh truths of life. And no truly give it their all but what this be. But the fi lm also has trouble div- revelation and breakout star here has prizes for guessing who comes out as ends up looking like is a series of arty Of course, a fair share of women ing into the male leads. Dean is de- to be Hedlund, who brings out such the eventual winner, and who needs short fi lms strung together with no enter the picture: Stewart is the dim, fi ned by the mad way with which he natural, classic alpha-male macho to come grovelling back after his fu- real clear sense of purpose or direc- horny young girlfriend of Dean, a chooses to live his life. So we see a charisma so readily to his role, and tile attempts to lead the more “fun” tion. Plus it goes on for far too long, shallow role the actress has played lot of monotonous, tedious scenes of the untamed ways he goes about his years don’t quite work out. And due to and without a real story to tell, even many, many times in the past in the Dean hitting rock bottom. He drinks life is captured with much dedication barely developed characters and a su- a standard two-hour fi lm feels like an vampire franchise that made her a a lot of spirits, smokes a lot of weed, and power. But his impressive range perfi cial look at their relationships, it unbearable chore. global sensation whereas Dunst tunes and screws a lot of women. Being with doesn’t end there, as he also brings is diffi cult to feel anything for anyone Sal has lost his father, and whilst in for a fi ne supporting turn as the Sal ups his mood even more, and his out the more grounded, tender side in the end. But thanks to the excep- living with a writer’s block, ponder- one woman who genuinely tries to drunken antics get worse. Exactly of his character, a calmer alternative tional cast trying their best, and some ing the meaning of life, meets Dean make something out of the irrespon- what Sal is so captivated by is any- that is rarely shown. It’s obvious he lovely colourful shots of the peaceful Moriarty (Hedlund), a suave, enig- sible and reckless Dean. Braga’s Terry, one’s guess, and the fi lm fails to truly has trouble following him wherever countryside, On the Road avoids be- matic youngster who he is captivated a cotton picker who Sal has a brief but address the bond that keeps these two he goes, and he does have several mo- coming an absolute disaster. start imperial 15 or 29 October, 18.00 - 19.30 Queen’s Tower Rooms, South Kensington Campus cooking stress relief defence self +PJOGFMMPXkSTUZFBSTUVEFOUTGPSBOFWFOJOHPG TVSWJWOHZPVSkSTUZFBS DPPLJOHJEFBTBOEUJQT|XBZTUPSFMJFWFTUSFTT|TFMGEFGFODF :PVSTVSWJWBMLJUGPSMJGFBTBTUVEFOU Book now at l www.imperial.ac.uk/students/startimperial FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER 29

Games Editor: Ross Webster [email protected] GAMES A DayZ by any other name... Ross Webster is looking for friendlies in Cherno

ombie games have taken is found in the more once-populated ing pretty). all shapes and sizes over areas of Chernarus. Or other player’s Now, in all the lives I’ve had, it’s not DayZ Diaries the years, from Wii- bodies. Th e closer you get to a built- been the bugs that have killed me the Zbased Evil Dead-style up area, the more zombies spawn most, nor the zombies. It’s everyone games within the Resi- around you. “Fine” you might say, “I’ll else trying to survive, who thinks that Day Two dent Evil universe (Umbrella Chroni- just shoot them all and if I run out of it’s a good idea to shoot an unarmed cles) to frantic rooftop gunfi ghts in ammo, I’ll just run away”. Good luck freshly-spawned player. But then, Dear Diary, the Left 4 Dead series. Th ey all bring with that, little Timmy. Th e preda- that’s simple humanity for you - kill all in the element of isolation into the tors of Chernarus are not your jovial, your competitors, no matter the chal- Something’s wrong with the world. mix, surrounded by crumbling cities slow-moving zombies; they are the 28 lenge. I’m not bitter at all. and smoking ruins, but they just man- Xs Later (where X is a unit of time) Being a survival game, its not just I dragged the body into the woods, to leave it for the wildlife. Th e adrena- age to miss that feeling of desperation style of zombie that will run at you, bullets and teeth that can mess up line had worn off from our earlier altercation, and I’d made my peace with - you die, and then you respawn or re- zig-zagging like a ziggy-zaggy thing. your murder-streak (your HUD shows his crumpled remains, when I heard some rustling behind me. load, not that far back. Zombies are attracted by noise, so by zombie kills, PC kills a.k.a. murders, I turned around with my axe out and saw nothing apart from fi refl ies, Enter DayZ (pronounced day-zed, or the time you’ve killed your groupies, temperature, number of zombies on bouncing around in the distance, and heard nothing apart from the roar of day-zee depending on your horoscope the next lot is on the horizon, running the server, etc) but you also have to the sea and the crickets in the night. It was getting cold, and I looked to fi nd and the phases of Jupiter’s moons) – straight for you. When you die, you worry about hunger (assuaged by cans somewhere that was dry and didn’t smell of death. a zombie survival simulator. Firstly, respawn along the south, or south- of beans or pasta), thirst, bone break- I kept on walking – west, I think – but I let my mind wander. Never again. a little bit of background. DayZ is a east coastline, back with the original ages, blood loss and a bad case of the I didn’t hear them until it was too late – the men standing around me, with mod for Armed Assault 2 (ArmA 2), starting equipment. Death is mean- sniffl es (no, really. Let your tempera- chem-lights clipped to their bags, and axes in their hands. A few seconds a military combat simulator. Th e base ingful. Th is isn’t a game you can win. ture drop too low for too long, and later and it all went black. I awoke, tied to a tree and aware of the heat on game, developed by Bohemia Interac- Th e aim is to live as long as possible. you’ll catch an nasty infection). my face, and the glow through my eyelids. Fire. I didn’t notice at fi rst, over tive, is massive – hundreds of realisti- Th e base game is buggy, with zom- Team-work is the name of the game the crackling of the logs, but there was a murmuring. It was as if you asked cally modelled weapons and vehicles, bies being able to walk and melee – your limited inventory allows for someone to speak as quiet as humanly possible, but without resorting to along with bullet physics and wind di- through concrete walls. Lying down little hoarding, so making camp sites whispering, and the noise was everywhere. I was surrounded. I couldn’t rections – and has been quite popular on the ground can break your legs, with tents, and spreading the work make out what they were saying. If it was a man-made language, I had never within the mil-sim community, since and lag issues can cause you to go fl y- load over multiple servers can make heard it before. I pray I never hear it again. its release back in 2009. One of Bohe- ing. As such, a standalone version of your life easier, especially when it A bespectacled man with a heavily scarred face and a pair of round read- mia’s developers started making DayZ DayZ, has started development, which comes to fi nding parts to repair your ing glasses crouched down in front of me and pulled out a knife – an old for fun, and it quickly went viral, push- will hopefully remove the majority of helicopters and ATVs. Trusting your military-issue knife, I believe. Maybe this is the remainder of our armed ing the lacklustre Steam sales of ArmA engine problems and other game-play group to shoot the hostile PCs and forces? He was chanting, until he pointed the knife at my throat, and moved 2 to the top of the charts for months issues such as people alt-F4-ing in zombies, rather than yourself is quite an index fi nger up to his lips, like I was being let in on a 5-year old’s big (quite a feat for a 3-year old niche the middle of a fi refi ght, as to not die. a hurdle (especially with no easy way secret I shouldn’t be telling anyone. I’m pretty sure his parents wouldn’t game) during spring/summer 2012. Douchenozzles. to recognise a player), and is one of be happy. So, the game. You (and up to 39 other Some people don’t like the coun- the reasons I love DayZ. It’s actually a Considering the slit throat of the woman on the next tree over, I nodded. players, depending on the server size) tryside – maybe it’s the parachuting game where I fear dying. Two arms from behind me removed the bonds, and lifted me from the tree, are stranded in 225km2 of pseudo- cows, or the rocks that look like peo- I truly love the slow approach that towards the fi re. I was brought towards a makeshift altar – the hood of a Russian countryside. You can go any- ple. Maybe they have allergies. Th ose you can take to the game running and car, bent over a pile of logs. Candles had been lit and were placed at the ends where and do anything. Th ere are sto- people have been working on more gunning results in premature deathu- of the table, where the spread of molten candle wax had dried with streaks ries of kidnappings, urban legends and maps for DayZ, and have brought us lation and the patient, slow and steady of red. I was forced down to my knees, and my head was held down onto large clan-battles in the larger cities. the bottle-necked-by-bridges island route gets you the best loot and gives the cold, rusty surface. I could feel my pulse quickening, and the adrena- As a fresh-spawn, you start with some of Lingor, and the city of Fallujah. you the best chances. Keeping quiet line pumping again, drowning out the chanting and the spitting fi re. Th e odds and ends, including a torch, a Th at’s right – instead of rolling hills and out of the way is often the wisest librarian-turned-serial killer moved to the opposite side of the altar and bandage and a box of painkilers (earli- and 30-minute runs between villages, tactic. held the knife to my neck, the cold metal of Death’s scythe wavering mil- er versions of the mod had you spawn the whole map is a massive city, with Th e bean wars have been long and limetres away from the darkness. with a pistol) and that’s it. You have to loot and zombie spawns all over the painful, but remember that your en- Th e chief gave a guttural scream and my vision fi lled with blood, as the scavenge the rest of your equipment, place (it’s not too kind on your com- emies may take our brains, but they’ll crimson sprayed over the altar, covering the candles. but the problem is that the best loot puter though, if you like things look- never take our FREEDOM! His body slumped onto the table, and I felt the grip on my shoulders loosen and fall away. More shouts and screams fi lled the air, as bodies fell to the ground. From the darkness, 4 men came out, alert and in military uni- form. Th e one in front, with a blue-painted face and aviator glasses came up to me, lowered his weapon and said “Come with me if you want to live.” His sentiments were echoed by his cohort, with calls of “LOL”, “epic” and “You better not be another crazy axe murderer.”

I smiled, and grabbed my new friend by the hand. It looks like Death has other plans for me.

Next Week’s FelixFelix

We’re reviewing FTL, discussing the role of girls within gaming culture, and may- be, maybe we’ll throw in a review of Borderlands 2. Because we like you. Some of you, at least.

Meanwhile, I hope you’re all clocking up your hours in the Planetside 2 Beta, and getting ready to play Dishonored. I’ll be sitting here eating Maoam. 30 FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER

Comment Editors: George Barnett, COMMENT Navid Nabijou, James Simpson [email protected] Ferguson, Newsweek and the Huffington-postisation of the News

iall Ferguson’s cover in Th e Atlantic lays out a play-by-play voking historians kicking about. His a shift in Newsweek’s strategy toward story in the latest is- of the article with accompanying com- book, Civilization, is a testament to the ‘Huffi ngtonpostization’ of the sue of Newsweek is mentary from a fact check carried out that fact. So, how about Newsweek news. Although the prospective cost Nstill generating buzz by the news team. then? Are they desperate enough to of Ferguson’s article was Newsweek’s on the blogosphere. Ferguson set out to deliver a blister- publish such a cheesecloth piece of damaged credibility, this was appar- His lengthy editorial “Hit the Road, ing condemnation of Obama. With work? Are they cavalier enough to ently outweighed by its prospective Barack” took on a barrage of criticism a little directed oversight, trunca- let such a dubious article fi nd its way benefi t – accessing a new market seg- shortly after it hit the shelves (well, tion and manipulation he was able on to the cover without a scrupulous ment. Perhaps they are looking at the the internet). However, the criticism to fi t a square peg into a round hole. fact check? Th e Daily Beast has put fl oundering business model of their wasn’t about the subjective conceptu- His accusations against the President up a short video clip with Justine industry and wondering how to stay al hang-ups or reasonable diff erences were so egregious that hyperbole was Rosenthal, Executive Editor of News- afl oat in a time of disruptive change. of opinion that the right and left usu- bound to be afoot. Any public offi cial week, discussing the piece. Th e clip Newsweek has to attract and lock- Joseph Kaupp ally bandy back and forth. guilty of such incompetence would is quick to point out the commercial in an audience that wouldn’t dream In his “Conscience of a Liberal” likely be impeached, castrated and success of Ferguson’s article. It boasts of visiting its website (it will, after blog, Paul Krugman put the match to crucifi ed in a public square. With a of making it to the top of Drudge Re- all, become just a website). Perhaps the powder keg, asserting that Fergu- career chock-full of adulation and port as well as accruing 10,000 likes this move will strain their relation- son’s premeditated aim was to mislead fawning students, Ferguson likely be- on Facebook. ship with the well informed, but – as Any public readers. In typical fashion Krugman lieved that his piece would be a feather While Krugman is justifi ed in most Newsweek knows – the well informed used a concise and incisive example in his mortarboard. On the contrary, of his accusations, he is wrong in are a small minority who know how to offi cial guilty to make his point. After dealing with it has ended up undermining his cred- claiming that Newsweek was somehow access their news on the Internet – for Ferguson, Krugman set his red pen ibility. It was a takedown piece turned a pawn in Ferguson’s game. Newsweek free. Newsweek is going for a volume of such upon Newsweek itself, saying: on its head. Th rough his tendentious, isn’t new to the rodeo. Th ey knew play. And that naturally entails cast- “We’re not talking about ideology or misrepresentative attempt at a coup the storm that was coming. Not only ing a wider net, which, in turn, entails incompetence even economic analysis here — just a de grace, Ferguson ended up snook- did they know it – they orchestrated dumbed-down, sexy and incendiary plain misrepresentation of the facts, ering himself. A humbling experi- it from the moment they called up content. Newsweek is after a new au- would likely with an August publication letting it- ence for a man used to getting patted Ferguson and asked him “what is the dience: one that enjoys the trappings self be used to misinform readers. Th e on the back. How could he put such next big thing that you want to say?” of intellectual life but fi nds its suste- be impeached, Times would require an abject cor- a cultivated reputation on the line? Newsweek is primarily a business, run nance in the broth of entertainment. rection if something like that slipped Th is can’t be an easy blow for a profes- by businessmen. (Th e news business Regarding the debate between Fer- castrated and through. Will Newsweek?” sor; the veracity of his highfalutin de- and the newsmen fall somewhere guson and Krugman, Ms. Rosenthal For Ferguson, fact checks sprang meanour now in question every time further down the hierarchy.) Th e cost states: “I’m not sure there is a clear crucifi ed in a up like cold sores with most major he enters the classroom. and the benefi ts for “Hit the Road, delineation of what is right and wrong news organizations delivering salty Enough about Ferguson – despite Barack” were undoubtedly weighed. here.” Th ere probably is, but for now public square impugnments of his article almost his questionable lack of judgment, Th is article, along with others, such as keep an eye out for a Kardashian- “ line by line. Matthew OO’Brien’s Briens piece he is still one the most thought pro-pro “America’sAmericas ‘Oh Oh Sh*t’Sh t Moment,”Moment, signal Kayne cover story.

Previous Bouts

In a 2009 panel discussion Ferguson contended that the Oba- ma administration was both Keynesian and monetarist – an ” incoherent mix (or so we’re told, we’re not really qualified economists over here I’m afraid). Krugman extended his argu- ment to both China and the EU and claimed that Ferguson’s view was “resurrecting 75-year old fallacies” and containing many basic errors. Oh and he also called him a “poseur” who relies on “snide comments and surface cleverness to convey the impression of wisdom”. Ouch.

Krugman 1–0 Ferguson. FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER 31

Comment Editors: George Barnett, Navid Nabijou, James Simpson COMMENT [email protected] The head-to head Last week, Babar Ahmad, a British Muslim who worked at Imperial College, was ex- tradited to the United States to face terrorism charges (see News for full story). So are these extradition justifi ed? IC Debating Society weighs up the arguments: Are extradition treaties justifi ed? YES NO To reject extradition Extraditing criminals ... is to embrace a host is an example of snide of far more odious and sneaky backdoor measures. politics. Navid Nabijou Eleanor Angwin

hough they are certainly not per- nervousness already high and governments loath xtraditing criminals is both damag- perverted into the vengeance of the mob. fect, our current extradition treaties to appear soft on security, it seems unlikely that ing to overall world justice and an So now we have a whole country of irrational are absolutely necessary in order to things will change any time soon. example of snide and sneaky back- actors. Anything even related to 9/11 is an at- Tcapture and convict terrorists in Given these restrictions, then, we must be Edoor politics. tack on America, but not only that; the allies of an increasingly globalised world. pragmatic and seek the best possible compro- When someone commits a that irrational country are bound to support- Against any harms brought about by this legisla- mise. We fi nd ourselves with three options. One: crime, there are always victims and there will ing their actions. Governments apply pressure tion, this crucial benefi t must be weighed. simply let the suspect walk free. Two: detain the always be consequences. Whether it is as- to the courts, forcing through decisions that Modern terrorism is a truly global enterprise. suspect indefi nitely without charge, arguing that sault, where the victim has been physically ensure criminals are extradited to the country Its backers have diverse origins and motives, and they are too dangerous to be released, but that harmed, or theft, where the victim’s liveli- where they will face the biggest charge. This are spread all over the world. Its targets, too, can there is at present insuffi cient evidence to pros- hood takes the hit, breaking the law always isn’t justice proportional to the crime; it’s al- be found in any country on Earth. Th e rhetoric ecute them. Th ree: extradite the suspect to the leads to someone being emotionally damaged lowing the victims to decide the sentence. of terrorist organisations appeals increasingly to country in possession of the evidence and allow by the perpetrator of the criminal act. Deci- What makes things worse is that the country religious and political convictions, rather than them to stand trial. sions based upon emotions that you have felt a suspect is extradited to depends massively nationalistic ones; a result of this is that the pool Th e fi rst option – allowing them to walk tend to be biased. For example, if someone on that country’s economic and politcal stand- of potential recruits is indiff erent to national – would inevitably result in more deaths. Of had killed your brother, you would want them ing in the world. According to the US-UK ex- borders, far too dispersed to be explained in the course, not all those accused are guilty, but a sig- to be sent to prison for the maximum amount tradition treaty of 2003, the US can extradite simplistic terms of political geography (as Amer- nifi cant proportion of them are: if released, they of time, or worse. In your eyes, that would be UK citizens for offences against US law, even ica and its allies discovered, tragically, in Af- would almost certainly resume terrorist activity; the only way to ease your pain: knowing that though the offence was committed in the UK ghanistan). Th is globalism means, for instance, leading to further acts of violence. the killer was brought to justice. However, by a UK citizen. There only needs to be rea- that an Egyptian man who trained in Pakistan Th e second alternative – detaining the sus- that decision may be a bit harsh, especially if sonable suspicion that the person committed can travel to a European capital and detonate a pect indefi nitely – is in many ways even worse. the death of your brother had happened by the crime in order for them to be shipped off bomb that was assembled in Yemen. And this in- Scores of innocent people would lose their lib- accident. That’s why we have judges and ju- to America, where they won’t face a free trial ternationalising trend is continuing relentlessly, erty, and many citizens would be left to live in rors, people who are impartial and not emo- and will not have access to legal aid from the aided by the spread of the World Wide Web and a state of constant fear, at the mercy of the ca- tionally biased towards either the victim or UK. There is no comparable measure for ex- the increasing interconnectedness of modern pricious whims of the police and judiciary. Th e the criminal. We trust in them to make the traditing US citizens to the UK. This glaring society. consequent erosion of public trust would be right decision. judicial imbalance is a direct result of the eco- As such, no terrorist act is confi ned within a sin- catastrophic. Now think about this on a larger scale. nomic imbalance between the two countries. gle border. Even the simplest plot depends upon Now consider extradition. Th e suspect stands When 9/11 happened, there were thousands Although we tend not to extradite criminals the joint eff orts of a number of people spread trial, in a country whose judicial system aff ords of victims who died in that crash, leaving be- to countries where they could face the death across several diff erent countries. When some- them all the same rights and protections as our hind grieving families. Not only that, it was a penalty, what if there was “reasonable suspi- one is implicated in terrorist activity, therefore, it own. Th ey have every chance to defend them- massive attack on the American way of life, cion” that a UK citizen breached Uganda’s often happens that the evidence required to pros- selves against the allegations. Th is last point is meaning that every American felt the pain of Anti-Homosexuality bill? In this case they ecute is only to be found in another country. important: the suspects are only extradited to 9/11. When a whole country is left emotion- wouldn’t be extradited, because the UK doesn’t But therein lies a problem. Law enforcement countries with strong legal systems, which en- ally damaged from a crime, who becomes the receive as many benefits by allying itself with agencies are typically wary of passing evidence sures that they receive a fair trial. judge, supposed to hand down impartial sen- Uganda as it does from the US. on to other countries (usually citing national se- Th e use of extradition is admittedly the result tences proportional to the crime? The Presi- If extradition continues the way it is, the curity concerns). Now, this is a truly regrettable of a compromise, but considering the other op- dent. He, however, can’t be impartial, because UK government will always be treading on state of aff airs, and steps should certainly be tak- tions available, to reject it is to embrace a host of he is elected by the people who are feeling the eggshells, trying to appease whichever super- en to encourage greater openness and transpar- far more odious measures. For that reason, the pain. This means that he has to pander to the power is giving them the most money. Justice, ency from these agencies. However, with public treaties are justifi ed. wants of the public, and so justice becomes my arse. 32 FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER

Comment Editors: George Barnett, COMMENT Navid Nabijou, James Simpson [email protected] Mandatory castrations for all! The Feminist Society and why it might not be what you think it is

ecause that’s what femi- nism’s all about, right? This lady is not for TURN Right? Wrong, but from AND FACE THE CHANGE. Bthe incredulous looks, Sorry, I’ve just got that comments and questions David Bowie song in my head we got at Freshers’ Fair, it seems like a lot of you really believe that the goals of feminism are to overthrow and sub- jugate men and introduce a gynocratic fempire. Consider your entrance to Im- perial and this article your welcome to Feminist Society reality. You’re in the real world now, and Keir Little you’re here to learn. So, get learning: What actually is feminism, then? Th e belief that men and women should have equal rights and should not be AnyoneAnyone cancac n judged based on their gender. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s not about female supremacism or misandry: it’s about equality for all genders: our society tells other forms of bigotry? Th ose are is- en are all X,” stop and consider that for bebe a feminist.femini equality. us that women, not men, should care for sues we care about as well, and in many a moment: really? Are all women like But men and woman are equal! Sex- children, and thus women get custody cases, there’s a big overlap with them that? If you think it’s wrong when people ism doesn’t exist any more. (although in fact, when men bother to and feminism: this is something we call say that all men are sex-crazed brutes, Ittd ddoesn’t ’t No, they aren’t: a quick look at Impe- fi ght for custody, the majority get it). intersectionality. realise that similar generalisations about rial’s gender ratio will show you that Feminists want this to change. As for I heard feminists believe X. women are just as wrong, and congratu- matter if women are still encouraged away from male rape and abuse? Of course, we Th ere is no singular defi ning philosophy lations, you’re a feminist! “hard” subjects. In business and poli- want those to end too, but they have a or belief in feminism, save for gender What does the Feminist Society do? tics women are underpaid and under- small incidence compared to similar equality. Sure, some feminists may be- Th e Feminist Soc is just a place for like- you’re male, represented, with each becoming more abuse against women, which is why lieve what you’ve heard, but that doesn’t minded people to gather together in a male-dominated further up the ladder. you’ll hear us talking about them less. mean all, or even a majority, of them do. safe space. We’re planning on hosting Th eir appearance, weight and personal I’m an equalist/humanist because I’m a man, can I still be a feminist? speakers during the year, fi lm nights, a female, gay, lives are obsessed over (see this paper’s I care about all issues, so I’m not a Anyone can be a feminist. It doesn’t mat- book club and probably a fair few bar comments on Louise Mensch last year), feminist. ter if you’re male, female, gay, straight nights. We’re welcome to people of all straight (or and they are frequently victims of har- Yes, you are. “Feminism,” although (or anywhere in between); whether you genders, orientations and persuasions assment, sexual assault, and rape. about equality, gets its name from the shave your legs or not or whether your so feel free to come along to any of our Men are oppressed too: look at how fact that women are currently the op- hair is short or long. events if you’re interested. anywherewhwhereere in few men get custody in divorce cases! pressed gender, and when the move- How can I be a good feminist? Also, men can be raped and abused as ment started, were truly second-class First of all, educate yourself. Read up on Join our Facebook group at facebook. “between)wweeneen) well. citizens, unable to vote, buy property or terms like privilege, intersectionality, com/groups/ICFeministSociety/ or We know, and we care about these is- get an offi cial education. So, what about slut-shaming and rape. Secondly, stop come along to meet us in 568 on Mon- sues. Yes, really. Feminists believe in racism, homophobia, transphobia and generalising: any time you think, “wom- day, the 15th of October, from 6 o’ clock.

Irritated? Bored? Horny? Send your angry letters to [email protected] Letters or write to us anonymously at Save the planet all year round felixonline.co.uk/contact

Sir, Sir, reen week really seems like a redundant idea A friend and I were at the Union last I would like to take this opportunity to to me. It makes it seem Wednesday, having not been there publicly express my disappointment at Glike it’s ok to go around for some time. After having paid for the the apparent lack of personal clean- burning fossil fuels and privilege of entering the liness amongst some students in the not recycling paper for the other 51 quadrangle in order to purchase drinks Department of Computing. Lectures weeks. Th is year I really want to tack- - something which I fi nd highly are gruelling already without the im- le green issues with an initiative that irksome, we were aff orded a wait of position of certain individuals’ bodily has some impact. I think it is high more than 20 mins to exchange our eff usions. time that as students of an institute cash for a ”plastic cup of poor-quality internationally renowned for scien- beer. It may be “the longest Anonymous, via website tifi c research we took some initiative student bar in the UK” but if it is Becky Lane with our green issues. Do you? Come chronically understaff ed (as is Sir, along to the Green Forum on Tues- Deputy President (Welfare) Save the forests! absolutely always the case) it will (and day 16th October in Meeting rooms Think of Tarzan! does) generate queues to I feel I must complain about the sheer 4/5 in the East Wing basement in Beit rival its length. I also feel it is unusual number of banal emails I have received Quad. for the Union to employ a this week from the CGCU President. number of bar staff to meander aim- Perhaps he may consider grouping his lessly behind said bar exchanging communications into a weekly digest We’re looking for new writers! jokes with each other, as seems to be the or allowing recipients to unsubscribe case. When will the Union from what is nothing other than a reg- Scan the code and enter your email to join our mailing list. get its act together? ular spaffi ng of uninteresting text. Oh and follow @FelixComment! Anonymous, via website Engineering student, via note http://tinyurl.com/FelixCommentList FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER 33

Coffee Break Boss: Matt Colvin [email protected] COFFEE BREAK ! How to... get a job HHOT!OT

uckle up folks, this is TIM real talk. It’s that time of year WESTWOOD B when your colleagues are eagerly discussing what hedge funds they’re looking to work at, and the best way to iron out the creases in their power suits. Th ere might be some of you out there highly anxious about the fact WHEAT that everyone else seems to have ap- plied to hundreds of lame and square INTOLERANCE city fi rms. But don’t despair – you can too! With none of the eff ort! What better time than this to in- troduce Coff ee Break’s own foolproof guide of securing a job... 101% of the time! THE CRYSTAL 1) GO ON THE APPRENTICE Forget all these online applications to MAZE places you don’t really know a whole lot about apart from the massive sala- ries they off er. Television’s the new up- coming medium and people jump at the chance to be shouted at by an an- gry man in a confi ned space. It might not be the gruelling twelve-week job PHYSICAL interview it once was, but if you end What are you doing reading this? up as Lord Alan’s chosen one, you’re EXERTION Get blahdy applying! set for a glittering career.

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Christ in your coffee? Email [email protected] with NNOT!O pictoral evidence if your Americano produces any holy T! fi gures.

TWITTER HIGHLIGHT OF THE WEEK

Mitt Romney @MittRomney I know 140 characters isn’t much to work with, but Romney’s hit a home run It is time to change course in the Middle East. here. Never has there been so much said, yet so little. America must have confi dence in our cause, If patriotic fervour with just a dash of sinister floats clarity in our purpose, and resolve in our your boat, fair play to you might. my friend. #yikes! 34 FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER

HANGMAN [email protected]

twatter Internshit

OBAMARAMATYME2012 Mickey Luff welcomes you to his world...

I sat in the dim-lit cubi- been a big fucking mistake. I’ll until the offi ce runs red with blood. cle, struggling to properly keep you in the loop on my co- Anyway, I’d best be getting back fuck fuck fuck. I need your help make out the naked pho- workers, team-building exercises, to work. Th ere’s a whole bunch guys. tos on the tiny handheld and mid-morning masturbation – of cases I have to attend to. Who Cameron_DA_Maneron!!! screen in front of me. My because that’s all I have to live for knows, maybe yours, along with all life had become a combination of now, kids. I suggest you start prac- its dark secrets, is in there some- instant coff ee, pringle jumpers and ticing sucking city boy cock right where. Maybe you’re the chubby pixelated tits. But it didn’t bother this second, or develop a passion 19 year old man from Essex whose why? What’s wrong? It’s not evil pi- me, I just sat there tugging away for something niche that nobody tits won’t stop lactating. And if you geon again is it? at my shrivelled dick, desperately in their right mind would be inter- are, I just want you to know that trying to think of anything that just ested in, so you can avoid the same we all laugh at you. Nobody is here NOT_A_SAD_Cleggmanxxx might get me off and momentarily fate – my fellatio skills are average because they care about people: lift me out of my crummy exist- at best and my interests far too they’re here because other people’s ence. common, and both have got me misery gives them some smug sat- Day one: a rough day at the offi ce, nowhere. Please, kids, learn from isfaction. I bet you’re feeling pret- Ffs obie, the pigeon isn’t going to and not exactly the life-enriching my mistakes. ty optimistic about the start murder you in your sleep experience I had in mind. I was I’ll drip feed the series of the new academic year, OBAMARAMATYME2012 expecting it to be as advertised: a of events over the com- aren’t you? Well I want you fantastic opportunity with a world- ing weeks, so that in to know that for most of leading team that would harvest the future my lonely, you it’s going to be fucking no it’s not evil pigeon. I’m at mitt’s my talents to make the world a bet- dementia-riddled self terrible: your grades, aspi- campaign thing. He’s left his Face- ter place. Instead I found myself in can look back and think rations, and standards in book on. How should I frape him? a dusty store cupboard, surround- ‘shit, things used to be a sexual partners will slip ed by idiots and other lost souls, lot worse than this’. And massively over the next Cameron_DA_Maneron!!! praying to be left the fuck alone. who knows, maybe it’ll few weeks. But don’t Th is is my introduction, and cheer you up, knowing worry, because I want I’ll keep it brief. I’m ugly, white, there’s some poor twat you to know that my and twenty years old, and sup- out there having an year is going to be much, change his status to “I’m gay”. Then posedly full of ambition. But this even worse time than much worse. I hope that people will think he’s gay! ambition extends about as far as you. Right now I’m looking fact brings you some joy. the JobSeekers website, or a me- over at my manager, Sheila. OBAMARAMATYME2012 diocre Hangman column. I’m now She’s the main cause of my Follow the adventures of a trapped in the teeth of a large mul- disdain. She looks like a disgruntled Imperialite as he tinational – you’ve probably heard transvestite Phil Mitchell regrets his decision to take a of them – and bound by contract on her way back from a Bill year out and enter the work- that’s genius Cammy! to remain in this tomb for the next Gates-themed gangbang. place, where he fi nds himself twelve months. Her Marlboro mouth smells overworked, underappreciat- NOT_A_SAD_Cleggmanxxx Stay tuned, because hilarity is fucking putrid, and her in- ed, and surrounded by fucking sure to ensue as I become increas- competence is enough to idiots. Stay tuned and watch ingly distant from anything worth make me want to beat her hilarity ensue as he enters the no, that’s not funny or original. Up- living for, and realise that it’s all over the head with a shovel fi ght for his salary and sanity. load a picture of your dick and pass it off as mitt’s OBAMARAMATYME2012 the turnip

...my dick is black Cleggman. Hangman’s Finest College News Source willyoujoinmymiliband? It will get hotter in the Library I’ll take a picture of my penis and by Hugh Moor forward it to you obie. Th e claim from Imperial College Li- Imperial responded to the complaints Cameron_DA_Maneron!!! brary staff that Level 4 “can and will be by releasing a statement that claimed made hotter” has been met with scepti- they had several plans in place for rais- no one will believe that, ed. your cism by disillusioned students. ing the popular area to study-worthy Artist’s reconstruction of the library penis looks nothing like mitt’s. Use Students have long demanded higher temperatures: mine, obie. studying temperatures and the calls “We’ve taken on board the comments were renewed during this summer’s and – rest assured – we are already im- ing desk chairs with high-end Bosch disappointingly tepid revision condi- plementing a number of procedures to ovens”. OBAMARAMATYME2012 tions. ensure that no student leaves the library Not all students have taken to the an- “I was shocked, it barely reached the without at least one sweat patch”. nounced plans. A third year chemist melting point of steel,” said one angry A spokesman added: “We’ve already said: “we don’t simply need more heat in yeah, I’ll just stick to the gay status student, “and they call themselves a removed the fans and ensured that the order to compete with places like Mar- thing. great institution, I’ve heard they’re able computers are constantly running Dia- bella or Rwanda. Give us a few tonnes to produce nuclear fusion in the UCL blo 3 in the background on full graphics of sand and a paddling pool too; maybe Library’s reception”. settings. We’re also considering replac- a cocktail bar – then we’re in business.” FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER 35

[email protected] HANGMAN

Scientists THE NEWS WITHOUT THE NEWS in their own words

Isaac Newton, as the apple fell from the tree and he discovered gravity BEATRIX POTTER JOINS ''HOLY F***ING SH*T DID ANYONE JUST SEE THAT!?’’ WRITING TEAM FOR CSI: LAKE DISTRICT

HOZOSKIZZLES – IT’S THE HOROSCOPES YEAH CANCER TAURUS GEMINI VIRGO ARIES LEO

This week you decide that Im- This week you give in and This week you decide that This week you just can’t This week you seduce a This week, you’ve fi nally perial is just all too much. Just just resign yourself to the heroin is for you. Turns out shake off the feeling that student. Awww yeah, this is done enough stretching to like that, you drop out and go fact that you just can’t get it’s just a teeny bit moreish, you’re being watched. Gasp- amazing. You’re the sexy lec- make self-sucking a reality. to UCL. You have wild nights good grades without per- much like a second choco- ing for breath, you see a de- turer that everyone wants and The taste of your parts in your and no lectures, an amazing forming cunnilingus on a late Hobnob with that nice mented clown saying. “FUCK no-one can resist. Wait, they mouth are undeniably sweet, university experience. Two lecturer. Gasping for air, and cup of tea. Before you know YOU” you scream as you just wanted higher marks. and salty, and oh sooo bliss- years on and you’re still un- mouthwash, you are sure it your student loan is gone. knee him in the balls. Turns Typical Imperial students. ful. You come uncontrollably employed. Could be worse, that you’ve secured yourself You just can’t get any work out you were sleepwalking, Weeping, you give them a and screaming at the top of you could still have no luck a solid 2:1. You fail. Your lec- done and can’t do handle a that was a demonstrator in low mark. Oh well. There’s al- your voice. Tip for next time: with the opposite sex. Oh turer says he “has integrity”. tough degree. You transfer to labs, and you have an awk- ways masturbation. You be- don’t do it in the changing wait, you do. Sucks. Meh. It was worth a shot. Kings and get a fi rst. ward viva coming up. Pint? come impotent. Damn. rooms in Ethos. Pervert. CAPRICORN SAGITTARIUS AQUARIUS SCORPIO PISCES LIBRA

This week you are perfect in This week you try to be a nud- This week you watch a cou- This week you’re David Cam- This week, you’re Nick Clegg. This week, you transform in to every way. All people want to ist. Except for the odd oil from ple getting in on in the Li- eron. You start tweeting. This You Google your name. You Ashley Cole. You start tweet- be your friend. Everyone is a pan spitting incident it goes brary. HOT STUFF. You furi- is amazing. The crowds of immediately decide to never ing about everything. You eyefucking you 24/7. You get pretty well. One thing though: ously fi nish yourself off while plebs will show you how they use the internet again. Your use some choice hashtags. fi rsts on everything and wake people seem to be avoiding they writhe with pleasure. admire, respect, adore, almost phone rings. “BITCHBOY, Oooooooooooooooooooops. up at 6am with no hangover sitting on the same seats as “Erm, hi, erm, can I return worship, you. You look at your GET IN HERE NOW. MY Oh well. Things could be after a big night out, during you. Two words: toilet paper. this book please” someone mentions. Oh well. You call in BIG SOCIETY WON’T LICK worse for you: you could be which you had many suc- Stop walking brown if you’re says to you at your desk. You Nick Clegg and tell him to get ITSELF YOU KNOW”. Fuck. Nick Clegg. You deliriously cessful rendezvous. What? all on show. You fi nally catch immediately shush them and on his knees or you won’t let Your knees had just recov- wake up from your sleep and Can’t these be positive once Freshers’ Flu and decide to point to the self return ma- him in cabinet meetings any- ered. You put on your pink realise you are Nick Clegg, in a while? wear clothes. chines. more. Mmmm. All better. tutu. and your phone’s ringing. 36 FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER

Puzzles Commander: PUZZLES Sotirios Karamitsos [email protected] Crossword Kakuro

1234567 8 Just like last week, insert a hj fd 29 14 3 12 29 9 29 10 digit from 1 to 9 into all of the white cells, so that the total of 6 4 8 9 each row or column adds up 13 910 11 8 to the corresponding number 32 34 in the grey cells. But hold your 13 horses homeslice! Each row 10 19 14 or column cannot featuring 12 13 14 33 15 repeating digits. 15 11 15 12 6 13 FUCWIT 16 17 18 7 14 8 16 12 7 RETURNS 19 20 29 10 That’s right, the Felix Uni- 21 22 23 24 15 6 34 versity and College Wide 8 17 14 Invitational Tournament 25 7 8 is back with a vengeance. Email your answers to any 26 27 41 11 13 20 8 of the puzzles on this page to puzzles.felix@impe- 28 29 18 16 6 rial.ac.uk. for the chance 11 5 to get some much sought 30 31 32 4 3 7 9 after points. With leagues for both individuals and 3 12 11 14 teams, enter and you could win fantastic prizes! 33 34

ACROSS 3. Determines one’s next reincarnation 1. Alchemist’s mercury 4. Jaundice Slitherlink 322 10. Latin truth 5. From a province in the Philippines 11. Hindu name for the planet Mercury 6. Precious stone 32 32 12. Endangered bear 7. Person dependent on a substance Rising from the ashes, the invincible Slitherlink 13. Beams; lines with a starting point but no 8. Excessively ornate makes a triumphant return to the hallowed pages 2112 03 end 9. Manifestation of a spirit of Felix Puzzles. A new year means all new chances 14. Anti-establishment initialism 15. Tavern, lodge to be foiled by its fi endish traps and challenges. 33 3 12 16. A form of precipitation 18. A freshwater fi sh of the Cyprinidae fam- Dare you proceed? 17. Extremely foolish ily, relative of the carp Your aim is to to make one continuous closed loop 112 21. Constructed language in Nineteen Eighty- 19. Michael... : English footballer, forward for by connecting the dots. The numbers in each square Four Stoke City F.C. indicate how many edges of the square are part of 1 3 24. Age, lifetime 20. Final; trapping contraption the loop, so if it contains a “2”, you know that two 26. Too many 22. Area in central London and only two out of four edges have lines. That’s 12 1 3 30. Popular form of swimwear 23. Units of area all the info you need to get the one logical answer 32. Indifferent 25. Prone to slippery, viscous (though waiting a week to see the solution will also 22 33. Unpleasant to the ear secretions do). 34. Turkish mass unit 27. First computer Answers, as ever, to puzzles.felix@imperial. 3 12 2 28. Prefi x meaning “outer” ac.uk. Back in my day, you had to scan this kind of DOWN 29. Request; defendant’s response thing over. Now everyone’s got these new fangled 3 2 3 2 32 2. A physical product of the mind 31. British physicist organisation smartphones. Ridiculous. Knights and Knaves Somewhere across the vast ocean, there exists a peculiar island, the Island of Knights and Knaves. Its inhabitants are, of course, Knights, who always tell the truth, and Knaves, who always lie.

A horse has been stolen on the island, and three inhabitants, Andrew, Bartholomew, and Curtis, are brought to testify. The following exchange takes place:

Judge: Andrew, did you steal the horse? Andrew: No, Your Honour. Bartholomew: Liar! You’re lying! Andrew: No, I’m not! Curtis: Shut up! Both of you are lying! Your Honour, Andrew’s the thief! Andrew: One fi nal remark, Your Honour. The day before the theft, I overheard Bart and Curtis talking amongst themselves. They both admitted to stealing the horse!

Whom should the judge convict? Tonight 12 October 20:00-02:00 Metric £3.50

Come to Metric and be transported back to the 90’s. Disco Dave will be spinning the decks and feeding you with all the 90’s classics. ‘Metric Loves 90’s’ is a great night s to relax, unwind and throw those shapes on 90 the dance fl oor. Every Wednesday 19:00 - 01:00 Metric Free before 21:30 £2.00 after

Boom Box is your weekly club night in the Union’s famous Metric nightclub. Every Wednesday we bring you the best in chart music, drinks offers and post Wednesday afternoon celebrations. imperialcollegeunion.org 38 FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER

Sport Editors: Oli Benton, SPORT Sorcha Cotter, Margot Pikovsky [email protected] Testing Triathlon waters Sports Writer Sarah Lewis kit. With most of the drink spilt down The race begins with a mass of my front and legs, I gave up on it and competitors treading water in the put my head down. In this, as in most I joined Imperial’s triathlon club in lake, going off in several batches or triathlons, riding in someone else’s October 2011, with no real intention ‘waves’ separated by 10 minutes. slipstream was illegal. Th ere’s an ex- of ever competing in any triathlon; all Everyone knows you can slipstream clusion zone of a few metres around I wanted was to come to the swim- on a bike, but I was surprised to each cyclist; you can overtake as long ming sessions so that I could keep eat- learn you can do the same swimming as you don’t spend more than 15 sec- ing pies while a stress fracture healed. --- something I only realised after onds in that imaginary box. Despite But even as Christmas rolled round an annoying training session where various tactical quandaries, it turned and my foot went back to working or- someone kept swimming up behind out the bike was my strongest leg: the Mud in Manchester der, I somehow didn’t manage to quit me and tickling my feet, then slow- sun came out and I was able to over- swimming. And every morning, no ing down as soon as he overtook. take some people. matter how gentle my intentions as I In open water there’s another reason A veteran triathlete had advised me left home, I’d arrive at the lab a sweaty to ‘fi nd a good pair of feet’ and follow previously that ‘the run is just about Sophie Kirk Sports Writer sec Insa however and as a result the mess, after half an hour of silly com- them: it helps you navigate when your holding it together’. With jelly legs team fi nished a great 36th place. muter racing on my rattling, pannier- goggles have fogged up. Alas, it’s dif- and stomach cramps, all I could do Th e real highlight, and main event laden bike. fi cult to do in opaque water, and pos- was put one foot in front of the oth- After a successful Fresher’s Fair and of the weekend, couldn’t come soon By the spring, I wanted to enter a sibly cheating, so I mostly splashed my er and hope that meant I was going fi rst run (with a record turnout of enough: showing the ‘northerners’ triathlon. Come summer, another own way round, at a conservative pace forwards. It was horrible, but I liked 80) Cross Country and Athletics club how partying is done in the south! running injury and several conferenc- since–even for a girl who loves a swim it. By lap 2 of 3 it was hot and a man travelled up to Manchester for our An unusual alliance with Leeds Uni- es had meant I’d missed out on both with the swans in Hyde Park–hyper- with a hosepipe appeared and started fi rst race of the year. Expecting cold versity was made such that we could BUCS triathlon events. Still, the itch ventilating in the middle of a big deep sprinkling us. Ladies of ambiguous temperatures, mist and rain we were take on Edinburgh Uni in a ‘chanting needed scratching so I looked at the lake sounds scary. Volunteer marshals leg-letter overtook me and smiled surprised to fi nd ourselves faced with war’; their cries were soon silenced calendar and picked a race, fi nally opt- dragged us up the slippery exit ramp sweetly. Later I heard footsteps be- a lovely sunny day! with calls of “You’re not really Scot- ing for the ‘Olympic’ distance: 1500m as we fi nished swimming. No matter: hind me winding up for a sprint fi nish Birthday boy Sam O’Neil was fi rst up tish”. After a traditional curry, the lake swim, 40km bike on country I had already traded my dignity for a so I hoofed it off up the fi nal straight, for Men’s A fi nishing in the top third highly anticipated boat race required roads, and 10km run around a park. wetsuit. but it turned out to be a ghost. whilst new member Ed Hallett took our men’s team to step up to the mark. It turned out to be the Triathlon Eng- Next task: removing said wetsuit. I did the whole race without seeing a the lead representing Imperial Triath- A great performance from Frenchman land National Championships. Was I After a dispiriting session in my par- watch, bike computer, or clock - even lon Club in the B team. Fresher Liam and newbie Davy Martin put us in even allowed? Hmm ... nothing about ents’ garden with a tube of KY jelly the one at the fi nish line was broken put in a great run for the club and the true contention for the title with a sub any qualifying times... I’d just have to and a hosepipe, I found the perfect - but expected to fi nish in anything A team fi nished a very credible 13th 2-second pint; unfortunately though go and do it, and hope to be swept lubricant (it’s called BodyGlide), so between 2:30 and 3 hours. Imagine place against some strong teams from Matt didn’t put in enough training along by the super-fi t crowd sometime this was a breeze. I even remembered my delight, therefore, to fi nd I snuck the northern universities. Th e B team over summer and we were pushed in the process. where my bike was parked. Swim hat round in 2:28:57! Clearly, champagne was largely made up of new runners back a place or two. However the Blessed are those who race with a off , goggles off , helmet on, shoes on, and Doritos are the way forward in en- but still put in a good time to fi nish in highlight of the evening was the tune- club. I look forward to the camara- slurp some sugary goo, grab the bike, durance sports nutrition. 30th position. Th anks to Sam and Phil ful rendition of ‘Naan Bread’ to the derie and minibus transport of the get going, stop to tie forgotten shoe- We clapped in the last fi nisher, who McCorquodale for running twice! tune of Hey Jude; I’m sure we will all TriIC 2012/13 racing season. Get- lace, get going again, out onto the road won a ‘fi rst prize’ and got the biggest Meanwhile in the women’s race, due have this in our heads for many weeks ting to this race was a lonely faff: up where I am allowed to jump onto the cheer of the day (since separate prizes to a certain committee member miss- to come! at 3am to drink coffee, eat porridge, bike and I’m free, chest heaving, ped- are given in each fi ve-year age-band) ing the bus the team was down to just We are now looking forward to fu- get my borrowed bike and a heap of alling out into the countryside and when it occurred to me to ask about two (insert classic Imperial ratio com- ture weekend races away, and the Lon- kit into the car, and drive to Milton trying to get a bottle of sugary drink showers. “Most people just jump back ment) and it was up to Club Captain don Colleges Cross Country League. If Keynes in the dark. I was so con- down ASAP because I know if I leave in the lake”, they said– silly me!–and I to run twice. Th e muddy but fl at 2.1 you want any more information about vinced I’d forgotten something that it to just before the run, it won’t stay dived back in to rinse off the sweat and mile course was no trouble for sea- Cross Country and Athletics Club I asked a stranger to check over my down. lemonade. I think I’m hooked. soned cross country runner and social email [email protected] Imperial Wolverines dodge victory

Steve Ndumbe Dodgeball Chair Th us the Wolverines turned up to some hard hits from Jan ‘Janimal’ the Wolverines. Despite solid perfor- fashionably late, arriving in Hatfi eld in Kosco. Meanwhile, the 2nd team were mances across the team, the expertise shirts and ties with just 20 minutes till cruising through the ‘best of the rest’ of the Imperial Alumnus Adam Cut- Th e Imperial Wolverines had a fan- the fi rst matches kicked off . Th e team matches, and despite several calls of more as well as the fastest-recorded tastic start to their season with both was looking pretty fl y, apart from Jus- questionable reffi ng from the opposi- thrower in the UK proved too much teams taking home medals after a sus- tin ‘Th e Defendant’ Ioanna, thinking tion, made it to the playoff fi nal. for the 1sts, losing 4-2 to take home pense-riddled day in Hatfi eld. that matching a shirt and tie with jog- After witnessing a beautiful double silver. Th e morning started off in standard ging bottoms and trainers was a good catch from Zain Abbas and Justin Io- Man of the tournament for the 2nds fashion, with the Wolverines discover- look. Blunder. anna during the 2nd team’s demoli- was Will Robinson for his superb ing the endless delays away from Hyde Both teams struggled to warm up tion of Bedfordshire Mixed Bulls II to catching and countering, whereas Park due to the Royal Parks half mara- in time, with the 2nd team unfortu- win the playoff medal, it was the turn for the 1sts it was a tie between Alan thon, culminating in an hour-long nately losing all three of their group of the 1sts to face Th e Meteors once Soltani for his club record-breaking detour taking them on a stressful tour matches placing them into the playoff again in an attempt to do the double 4 catches in one game and Steve of Central London. However, the ev- stages, while the 1st team won the fi rst for the Wolverines, and win only their Ndumbe for some strong throwing. er-reliable driver Alan Soltani maxed and the fi nal matches and just lost the second-ever tournament in club his- Congratulations must also be given to out the minibus’s solid top speed of second group match against eventual tory. Th e only time the 1sts have ever Jan Kosco and Nuno ‘Too Easy’ Cunha 62mph in his desire to get to the venue winners Th e Meteors. played Th e Meteors twice in one day for their excellent debuts for the 1sts on time, driven on by a strengthening Th e 1sts then played a relatively easy was at East Anglia, where the Wolver- and 2nds respectively, and to Tom urge to go to the toilet (despite repeat- Quarter Final game before coming up ines won their fi rst ever gold medal. Peake for his incredible leadership as Wolverines, who are hoping to build ed refusals to just stop at a petrol sta- against their rivals Reepham Raiders Were Th e Meteors about to win their 1st VI Captain for the fi rst time (even on this performance with the help of tion) and to prove he could drive for in the Semis in a best-of-7 match. Th is fi rst ever gold in the same fashion and Alan ‘Th e Dictator’ Soltani listened to some amazing fresher talent. Here’s to longer than 5 minutes without stalling was always going to be close, but the beat us for the second time? him (most of the time…)). Overall, it a successful year! Dodgeball run free (which he defi nitely couldn’t). Wolverines came out on top, thanks Unfortunately it was not to be for was a solid start to the season for the sessions in Ethos, Weds 8-10pm. FRIDAY 12 OCTOBER 39

Sport Editors: Oli Benton, Sorcha Cotter, Margot Pikovsky SPORT [email protected] IC Polo “wets” appetite Alex Savell Riding and Polo chair Th e rest of us busied ourselves with world your fi elds are your livelihood the usual drinking, merriment and and they took a huge risk and a great occasionally helping out the organis- expense in order to let us carry on. Th is year’s summer weather wasn’t the ers until a damp evening came about Th e slippery grass took its toll on one greatest for polo and for the fi rst time and the polo concluded to give way to member of the team that afternoon; in a number of years the weather fore- BBQs, even more drinking and gen- with Jon tearing a ligament before cast looked extremely grim when we eral revelry. A much appreciated ga- even getting on a horse as he was run- headed off to Royal Leamington Spa zebo was assembled to keep the worst ning to judge a tiebreak while working for the Schools and Universities Polo of the weather off . It was at this stage for the organiser. Nationals. On the upside the Jubilee that one player admitted to remem- Th is sent us scurrying to fi nd a sub- weekend fell perfectly to give us a full bering the BBQ, cricket set, minibus, stitute for our LI team, not only that four days of play and a chance to get polo gear, tent and space blanket… but it needed to be someone our pony through even with the looming rain. but not his sleeping bag. As such he provider knew and could mount. We pitched our tents at midnight on spent his second night shivering un- Eventually a suitable alternative was Friday under the headlights of the un- der some silver tin foil, beer jacket not discovered in the form of Nick, even ion minibus and started a few relaxing quite covering the distressingly un- if he was a Cambridge student. Do- drinks and cigars as the rain began to summery conditions. nating him an ICU shirt that instantly come down. With the novices up to play again made him look better; we mounted Bleary eyed but awake we got down the next day things looked set for up and yelled a few frantic words at to business, which for the Lower change. For anyone that hasn’t seen each other before the carnage com- Intermediate (LI) teams primarily polo it’s possibly the fastest, most in- menced. Th e big pitch for the higher meant a hair-of-the-dog as we waited tense sport out there. For those unbe- level matches had seen relatively light through the two days of lower level lievers; when you’re going 25mph on play so far and despite a fair number play before our matches began. For- the back of a ball of muscle fi ve times of dodgy bounces and a warning to tunately, we had a Novice team with your size with a 52 inch wooden mal- be careful about turning too fast to team captain Mo and his mixed uni- let it’s hard to name something more avoid slipping, the pace of the matches versity team in Novice 1a. We clearly intense. Add to that the other players quickly got up. Communication was had the best shirts so let the rag tag trying to get their stick in the way of an issue to begin with and between bunch of friends from across the na- yours, and adrenaline isn’t going to trying to fi nd a shape as a team and Image courtesy of edphillipsimages.com tion sport our red, white and blue as be lacking. Periods of play last just 7 getting to grips with the ground and we introduced them to our pony pro- minutes, but that’s more than enough the ponies, we unfortunately didn’t viders Greenpoint for the fi rst time. to get your blood racing. On their new fare too well and lost. though and their big hits looked fan- rial team fought a close fi nal where at Matching polo pony to rider is not just mounts the novices, who were hur- Th e last, rival IC team fared better tastic. the end of the fi rst half things didn’t a skill it’s an art form, and with two tling around at breakneck speed, had with their fi rst two matches coming in It wasn’t all fun and games though; look great, but grit and determination unknown players and with only a sen- obviously managed to fi nd their feet a as victories and putting them into the the odious duty of partying the night set in and they pulled ahead in the dy- tence or two regarding their ability it bit more and progress was swift, the two chukka fi nal. We struggled our away was left. Many of the fi nal day ing stages to take the victory. was anybody’s guess what would suit. victories started to come and we be- way to a frustrating defeat as the team matches are decided upon which team With the winter season just begin- Th ough they took to the fi eld with gan to look forwards to the LI matches fi nally started to coalesce into a func- does better at avoiding the hangover, ning, our training for the February more enthusiasm than I’ve seen in a to come. tioning unit. Th e tide of the match or very occasionally, on who ends up winter nationals has had a little head long time, only Mo looked settled on By this stage though the rain was turned just too late for us to capitalise with least company. Fortunately, no start with the wet weather and a few his pony and the slightly more expres- starting to come down, and the pitch- and secure a victory, leaving us fi ght- one that was to be riding in the morn- of us are raring to get back in the sad- sive gait of one of the other ponies left es were starting to suff er. A football or ing to avoid the wooden spoon. Mean- ing misbehaved too much and after dle now. As such there is an exhibition one player unable to keep his seat and rugby pitch gets cut up a bit after a wet while the novice pitch was forced into merrily toasting the Jubilee we were match to top off the summer season he hit the (fortunately) soft ground match, but half a dozen or so ponies switching to the larger infl atable arena all just about safe to get on horses in on October 20th alongside the Begin- with only a muddy patch to show. Th e charging around can really churn up polo balls as the pitch had become a the morning. A goal from a penalty hit ner taster session. If you think you’d fi rst match, or chukka, never really got a wet fi eld so mutterings of cancella- quagmire and the small hard ball tra- at 60 yards was still not quite enough like to try one of the fastest, most off the ground for the boys and they tions were starting to circulate. Huge ditionally used for grass polo simply to save us from the dreaded wooden exciting sports around why not come came away with a loss and less than thanks go to Off church Bury polo sunk into the mud on every hit. Th is spoon, though the Novices fi nished along and have a go… and get a bit of a sparkling whites. club for letting us carry on, in the polo wasn’t slowing the novice team down their weekend strong. Th e fi nal Impe- show thrown into the bargain! IC Rowers take on World U23s in Trakai

vests to represent their country and hind the Netherlands. Forced into the great diffi culty to progress directly to one to do some rather silly things as defend Imperial’s honour which they B-fi nal, the crew battled it out to fi n- the semi fi nal two days later. Despite Wilf found out way back in his junior did in style. ish just the wrong side of the Brazil- a sub-par race they fi nished second, days when, getting into his boat raring Th e road to Trakai was by no means ians whom they had narrowly beaten being overtaken by the French crew to go, he completely forgot his oars. easy for Richards, who was rowing the day before in the repechage. whom they had beaten two days pre- However this time it was his crew- the lightweight quad. In spite of in- Meanwhile, Kimberley was put in viously, but this still meant progres- mate in the wrong, and the pair were juries to other athletes who may have to the lightweight pair, in what was sion to the A fi nal. A World Champi- swiftly awarded a yellow card on the strengthened the crew, the foursome a previously unthinkable partnership onship fi nal is a rather nerve-racking start line due to Bedford wearing the of Tim, Rupert Price (Cambridge with Matt Bedford from arch-rival situation to be in, and it can cause all-in-one he was meant to change out Uni), Kieren Brown (Edinburgh Uni) boat club University of London. How- of after weighing in two hours before and Alex Robertson (Leander) fi n- ever, the two managed to put their the race. Th e pair had a strong race ished a respectable 9th overall in an diff erences aside and the partnership but narrowly missed out on a podium event where the standard was at an worked remarkably well with wins at fi nish to come in 4th over all after be- Sports Writer all time high. Th e crew placed a disap- Metropolitan Regatta and the Hol- ing rowed through in the second half Ben Smith pointing 5th in a tough opening heat, landbeker Regatta in Amsterdam, be- of the race. with last year’s bronze medallists fore fi nishing the domestic season at With the new season now well un- Th e Under-23 World Championships Switzerland only a second in front, Henley with a nail-biting half-length derway, the two IC rowers will now were held in Trakai, Lithuania be- forcing them in to the repechage. In defeat by the Greek U23 heavyweight join forces for the pair’s head of the tween 11th- 15th July. Th is year medic spite of giving their all in the rep, the pair. river. With a strong intake and several Tim Richards and biochemist Wilf quad missed out on qualifying for the Th e Regatta started strongly for returners for ICBC, it looks like this Kimberley donned the triple hooped A-fi nal by less than three seconds be- the guys, winning their heat with no year’s going be a good one. 12/10/12 Issue 1526 felixonline.co.uk

SPORT “Keep the Cat Free” ICHC party in Porto Jonny Clowes dishes the dirt on Hockey’s latest foreign travels

uly 2012 saw thirty intrep- ers to their fi rst round of lobsterfying, id Imperial College Hock- Bergamasco most notably leading the ey Club members travel to charge after he fell asleep in the sun. JPortugal for two weeks of Rather worryingly, when the opposi- sun, sea, sand and hockey. tion did arrive they proudly announced Th is followed on from successful tours that they had several ex international to Malaysia, Croatia/Slovenia and In- players. Th is did not fi ll us with con- dia in the last three years. fi dence as we were barely able to walk Leaving early in the morning the let alone run in our current state. Th e day after the last day of term was al- two games were hotly contested as the ways going to be risky. Many of the heat on the pitch rose to match that touring party still bore visible signs of of the surroundings, with many of the the night before but everyone made it Portuguese frustrated with the strict- onto the plane with a quick trip to the ness of the umpiring and the IC players most expensive Wetherspoons in Eng- frustrated at the local’s use of their size land for a spot of hair of the dog. Upon advantage to try to bully IC off the ball. touch down in Porto, the fi rst hurdle Eventually the games ended in a 1-1 of the tour presented itself. No one on draw (BT) and a 3-1 loss (2s Captain) way around. Taylors was generally proved diffi cult at times. next day at the same venue against the tour spoke Portuguese so contact- with the heat eventually proving too agreed to be our favourite producer More culture was to follow as the the Lisbon Casuals mixed team. Th e ing the coach driver that was to take much for IC to handle. and so we paid a visit to their Lodge group soon discovered that it gener- mixed game ended 4-4 (Poore Choice, us to our hostel proved tricky. Even- Th e next day presented the opportu- and Wine Cellar where all sorts of ally seemed to be a pretty eff ective Stumpy, 3>2, Brown Love) which re- tually through much running around nity for a spot of culture as we walked intelligent questions were asked and hangover cure. However some of the fl ected the evenness and good spirit and arm waving, the tour found them- the city on a free tour. If you ask any many diff erent ports sampled. Unfor- group was a bit shocked to fi nd that the match was played in. selves on a bus into central Porto. lecturer they will tell you that keeping tunately no one could quite aff ord the Sintra is pretty much just one big hill. A fi nal long journey deposited us in Th e accommodation in Porto was 30 students entertained for a hour is Scion which came in at £2500 a bottle A gruelling walk up to the top most Albufeira in the heart of the Algarve. unlike any other previous tourers had hard work but our lovely guides kept us and we never found out the answer to castle was dodged by some as they Unfortunately our match in the south experienced: clean, friendly and actu- enthralled for over 3 hours as we took the question “How many grapes does chose to get the bus, which despite was cancelled at short notice but with ally like the pictures online. in all the culture we could, from J. K. it take to make a bottle of port?” being overprices left many wishing the temperature another 4-5 degrees Th e fi rst full day of tour saw our fi rst Rowling to the rather odd sexual ex- Th at evening we found ourselves they had forked out. hotter than in Lisbon it may have two matches against scratch teams ploits of some of Porto’s most famous enjoying cocktails served in buckets, Th e remaining members of the tour been a blessing in disguise. Much of from Sport Club do Porto and Th e residents. Th e tour ended up by the for only €5, by the river side. Meas- decided to visit the botanical gardens the rest of the trip was a bit of a haze Porto Lawn Tennis and Cricket Club. river where we ate the local speciality ures don’t seem to apply in Portugal and its neighbouring zoo. Th is result- with the Strip stripping away all inhi- Th is was when we found out the true Francesinha which is sure to clog even with the rather simpler equation of ed in the small child in each resurfac- bitions and the tourers diving into the meaning of Portuguese time as our the fi ttest arteries with cholesterol. half a bottle of spirit per drink seem- ing as they ran from enclosure to en- “culture” and mixing with the diverse opposition arrived a full 2 hours af- After lunch a quick pop across the ing to be the rule of thumb. Th is con- closure to see, and sometimes attempt range of “locals”. ter the scheduled push back. Th is had river found us in the heart of Porto’s tinued into the early hours with those to imitate, every animal. Th e highlight of Albufi era had to be two eff ects on the party. Firstly, it gave famous Port district. Despite what hardy souls still awake watching the Before our third match we visited the boat trip on our last full day. On them the chance to sleep off the fi rst many members may have hoped, it is sunrise over Porto from the bridge the world famous aquarium in Lisbon, board a 40 foot yacht sailing down the hangover of tour. Secondly, it exposed the fortifi ed wine that takes its name Dom Luis, wiith one member of the the Oceanário de Lisboa. Th e dark- coast, lunch on a secluded beach and, some of the fairer skinned hockey play- from the City rather than the other trip attempting to get intimate with a ened corridors proved the perfect as ever, glorious sunshine. Many felt slow moving train. surroundings for pre game naps and so relaxed that they decided a spot A rather sleepy 4-hour coach jour- the fi sh confusing to those who were of exercise would do them good and ney saw us arrive in the capital, Lis- yet to reach the hungover stage. chose to swim back to the yacht de- bon, which also heralded the return Our third game was a men’s match spite the rather arctic temperature of of more familiar tour accommoda- vs the Lisbon Casuals at the Olympic the water. All but Bergamasco and To- tion with the rather less habitable Ta- park. Th eir name lulled us into a false ken managed the 400 yard swim back gus Homes. Without warning and in sense of security before we saw their as they had to be to be rescued by the muddled English the tour group was highly professional warm up and a landing boat that was keeping close split into two groups with six brave quick investigation found that several tabs on “the crazy English people”. souls being led off to a diff erent build- of the opposition played for Portugal It was a great tour and although we ing 500 yards down the road. Th ese in their respective age groups. A hard returned home winless it’s the taking six had to put up with the creepy Ma- fought match ensued with IC eventu- part that counts. For anyone consid- ria who reminded one and all of a fe- ally going down 3-0 with a stunning ering joining ICHC, whether you have male Sweeney Todd and so the door defensive eff ort by all in the swelter- picked up a stick before or not, please to the dorm remained locked at all ing heat. Special mention must go to contact [email protected]. times. Th e other tour party had the Skid Mark, Trinh-Duc and Fresher ICHC is proud to be sponsored by main hostel booked out but with only Rob for their performances. KPMG and MEM Consumer Finance 4 toilets between 25 the morning rush Th e fourth game took place the Ltd. Send your match reports in to [email protected]