PNNewt 1 Langford Skips Nurse Shock! Osama Bin Laden is a Muppet PNN. We were particularly horrified by his Dave Langford delayed the November The web has been full of this story, but experiments in biological warfare, notably issue of Ansible, inspiring the Plokta cabal we can’t resist it. Osama bin Laden the fridge that he left unplugged in to produce this downloaded edition of the supporters in Bangladesh scoured the storage for eighteen months with a pint of Plokta News Network. But at November’s Internet for photos on their hero to put on milk inside. The Giant Plokta Statistical Dead Nurse, we all sat around morosely posters, and apparently downloaded one Engines have also been working overtime. wondering how we could cope without our that showed him hobnobbing with Bert Dr P has calculated that [The Joke That Is monthly dose. Boldly thrusting into the from Sesame Street. Too Tasteless For PNN would have been breach were Alan Sullivan’s Mongolian Turns out there are a number of websites inserted here, but, well, it’s too tasteless for Jird and Tony Keen’s The Convertible Bus. devoted to the proposition that Bert is PNNewt, too]. Alan writes “The Art of War advises against evil, containing doctored photographs Experts have also suggested that Dr starting conflicts that cannot be won showing him in compromising positions, Plokta may be sending coded messages to quickly, and which lack the support of the and one of these was the downloaded one. followers through the pages of his fanzine, people. I suspect George Bush thinks that Plokta, or even making use of the Internet. Sun Tzu is a breed of dog.” Tony, But on the whole, we meanwhile, asks “Who’d have thought . that thirty years on a Gerry Anderson Most importantly, the new headquarters is series would still have things to say that perfectly placed for world-conquering, as reflected contemporary debate?” it’s bang in the middle of Croydon. We gazed out through the massive bank of Way Too Good to Check windows at a vista of much of South East Ken MacLeod received the following London. “Soon much of Bromley will have fine Internet Rumour from China succumbed to my amazing mental Miéville, who wrote: powers,” explained the madman.
“My supervisor, an expert in the Middle Dr Plokta’s official spokesman, Bert, was East, told me about a rumour circulating Why the Bangladeshi poster printers kept unavailable for comment. about the name of Bin Laden’s network. him on the image is anybody’s guess. The term ‘Al-Qaeda’ seems to have no Maybe fundamentalist Muslim political precedent in Arabic, and has demonstrators calling for the downfall of therefore been something of a conundrum the Great Satan enjoy Sesame Street. Or to the experts, until someone pointed out maybe Bert is evil. A spokesman for the that a very popular book in the Arab world, print shop that designed the posters said Arabs apparently being big readers of “we got the images off the Internet”, and translated SF, is Asimov’s Foundation, the Sesame Workshop made an official title of which is translated as ‘Al-Qaeda’. statement—“this is not at all humorous”. Unlikely as it sounds, this is the only So that’s all right then. theory anyone can come up with.” Ken further comments: “This hypothesis OMCL Trained on Bromley The stunning view from the flat raises some interesting possibilities. One Dr Plokta has taken up residence in a is that bin Laden has a number of video new, high-rise Fortress of Solitude. From Millennium Philcon appearances prepared in advance, which his secret hideout, located on the seventh Programme Controversy without being too specific give the floor of a converted office block, he is said The Locus letter column is a raging impression that he knows what has just to be making plans to take over the world. hotbed of controversy at present. An open happened at the time they’re shown. The Plokta cabal were privileged to be the letter from John Norman accused the They could continue to appear at intervals first viewers of the new command centre. convention of “discrimination, prejudice, long after his reported death. Another is Extreme lengths were gone to to ensure censorship, partisan programming, that there’s a Second Al-Qaeda, that we couldn’t let people know of the intellectual policing”. Then Hugo somewhere else.” new location, as a result of which we got nominee James Gifford (who had lost several times as we drove there. We previously complained bitterly about the Super>uous Philately transferred unfeasibly large quantities of Hugo voting system, and later withdrawn The Royal Mail has issued a new set of electronic equipment, including a dozen that complaint) suggested the programming stamps commemorating the centenary of computers, multiple black boxes and committee were “inept, mismanaged, the Nobel Prize, using a weird and several large bags of random cabling. extremely partisan and clueless”. The wonderful assortment of high-tech “Where should we put this stuff?” we letters (completely barking as far as PNN printing processes. The stamps include a asked. “Oh, anywhere,” replied Dr P, is concerned), and responses from Todd holographic stamp, a scratch-and-sniff fiddling with the fixings on the Orbital Dashoff (Millennium Philcon chairman) stamp and a thermochromic stamp, which Mind Control Lasers. and Teresa Nielsen Hayden, among graced the British envelopes of Plokta 24. Dr Plokta then spent some time revealing others, are on the Locus letters webpage. his global domination plans exclusively to 2001 World Fantasy Awards Pam Wells Seeks Comedy of civilisation. So that gives it a perfect Life Achievement: Philip José Farmer, Pam Wells has embarked on a PhD in right to meddle in the affairs of lesser Frank Frazetta; Novel (tie): Declare by psychology. She’s studying interactions people, doesn’t it? Tim Powers and Galveston by Sean between speakers and audiences, and Enter Chel, a warrior planet with a brutal Stewart; Novella: “The Man on the trying to extend existing work on political caste system. A bit of Cultural influence, Ceiling” by Steve Rasnic Tem & Melanie speeches to stand-up comedians (We intended to encourage equality, has Tem; Short Fiction: “The Pottawatomie wonder how she tells the difference). She recently, inadvertently, led to a full-scale Giant” by Andy Duncan; Anthology: needs as many videos as possible to study, civil war. The Culture are of course Dark Matter: A Century of Speculative Fiction but has no research council support and terribly sorry about this. from the African Diaspora by Sheree R. can’t afford to buy vast numbers. She’d Meanwhile, the Masaq Hub is currently Thomas, ed.; Collection: Beluthahatchie like to borrow videos of British stand-up planning a big bash to mark the Twin and Other Stories by Andy Duncan; Artist: comedians with live British audiences, Novae period, when light reaches Masaq Shaun Tan; Special Award, preferably in PAL format. If you can help, from two suns destroyed eight hundred Professional: Tom Shippey (for J.R.R. please email her ([email protected]). years earlier. This was the result of a Tolkien: Author of the Century); Special previous error of judgement by the Award, Non-Professional: (for At The Culture, who have been at this sort of Foot Of The Story Tree: An Inquiry into the Regular readers of Plokta will be aware thing for a while. The centrepiece of the Fiction of Peter Straub) . that we print a lot of bollocks. We also memorial will be a new symphony by regularly print Ziller, a Chelgrian composer in exile. . So Chel, meanwhile, has despatched Major New Fanthology Available imagine our delight to discover that The Spirits of Things Past 4: The Contact Quilan, a severely depressed warrior Register, neep neep journal of note, has Fanthology is now available. This (literally) priest, to persuade Ziller to come home. released a t-shirt to appeal to both these sparkling 100-page fanzine is produced by The stage is set for a political novel with interests, saying “Conspiracy Theory? Dick and Leah Smith, publishers of the plenty of verve and style, and regular —and you can quote me Hugo-nominated Stet. 72 fans, all Cultural features like a sudden digression on that”. As worn by all the best fanzine substantially more famous than the Plokta into ships’ names. The plot ranges in all editors, Dops, and natives of Wingdingia. cabal, tell the stories of how they found directions but isn’t the main event here. But if you want one, you’ll have to be their way to fandom. Copies are $10, Banks is taking the opportunity to raise quick—it’s a limited edition. including U.S. postage (add $5 for copies questions about the meaning of life, the nature of risk, and the right of cultures, or to be sent outside the US, $10 for David Levine Short Story overseas airmail); proceeds benefit ditto, Cultures, to muck about with peoples Wins James White Award they consider inferior. The lightness of FanHistoriCon and DUFF. Send a check We were delighted to hear that the winner touch means that you’re unlikely to feel or money order made out to Richard of the 2001 James White Award is you’ve been lectured to, and the topic is Smith to P.O. Box 266, Prospect Heights, “Nucleon” by David Levine. The award, all too timely. IL 60070-0266, USA. presented annually to the best story submitted by a non-professional writer, RIP Penny For the Guy was accepted on David’s behalf by Lynne Josh Kirby, cover artist for the Discworld Those who were at