Issue 833 University of Surrey Students' Union 27th January 1995 VC Stresses FIRE ALARM HITS Importance of Union was disappointed to read in last week's Bare Facts that there appears UNION to be very little interest in this year's Isabbatical elections. Hopefully the points which have been made by students and others have already gone some way to counter this. My dis^pointment stems from the fact that, when I arrived here ^ Surrey last October I was very impressed by the strong links which existed t^tween the Suidents' Union and the rest of the University. The high quality of student life at Surrey is critically dependent on the activities and services the Union provides, and the Union acts as an important channel of communication between the stu(tents and the University authorities on all aspects of Universi^ life, both academic and social. Tlie Union Sabbatical Officers are the people on whom the continuation of the uniquely successful relationship between the University and the Union, which works so strongly to the benefit of stu- dents, particularly depends, but all those who take on official Union posts play their part Your Students' Union leaders represent you, both internally at Univer- S most people know, the union had a false fire alann last friday night The fíie si^ level and externally U) the Guildford community and beyond and the Union alann was tnpped by someone at about 10.15 p.m., security immediately deserves your support for this vital work. evacuated the building and the fire brigade were called. As expected the Aconsequences of this incident went on formost of the following week and may Although I am aware of the ever increas- last for another six months. Hie main concern was, that when the ñre alarm was tripped, ing pressures on students' time, I do be- several students seemed unwilling to leave the building. Hiere were cases of people lieve that a sabbatical year or any oUier locking themselves in the toilets and people having to be taken out of the building. The Union position can be a very rewarding mere fact that it was just a false alarm was irrelevant, students must evacuate the experience to those who put themselves building as quickly as possible. forward and are successful in the election. People waiting outside to get back in were told that the event was over as the fire alarm The experience can prove to be an invalu- could not be reset, the Fire Brigade attempted to reset the system twice but due to a able asset as far as future career is cchi- fault were unable to do so. Atthe GM on Tuesday (24th), Manoj Patel, Union President cemed. Apart from the eiuiching personal said that once the fire alarm goes off, the event is stopped This measure was introduced experience, employers attach importance as a deterrent to stop people setting off the alarms. So THAT IS IT! There were loads to such exu^-curricular activities. I there- of people hanging around and in the queue to get their coats who seemed to think that fore would strongly encourage students it was all a joke and that the Union was actually reopened. who feel they could make a contribution in this respect to put themselves forward If you had paid £6 to get in that night then tough titty, the union will not give you your as candidates. money back. If someone was stupid enough to set it off, then the union should not have to fund it This year's sabbatical team has been keen to involve me on a personal level in the The biggest concern is the things that will h{q)pen, someone may Just come into the Union's activities and I look forward to union and set off the fu-e alann to see how we cope. This could be at anytime so the continuing this in the forthcoming year. I next alarm might happen when you have paid to get in. hope you recognise, as I do, the important As the event was cancelled the takings at the bar were well short, the union also got a role the Students' Union plays in all as- £500 bill for the fire engines. The Ents officer, Simon Francis lost about £600 as well. pects of University life and the high es- All this for some stupid prank. teem in which it is held. Every student has To whoever it was that set the alarm off, GROW UP!!!!! a part to play in Union affairs especially by using their vote. Francesco Fraiilo Professor Patrick Dowling Vice-Chancellor 2 Bare Facts Not a lot of people BEER PRICES ARE know that! any people don't realise th^ TOO HIGH: once OVO" the age of 19 some types of NHS treatment are no THE CONTINUING SAGA. £167,000 unaccounted for. What hap- Mlonger free. However, as a student, you may be ^titled to treatment pens to that? n last week's issue I highlighted the such as dental and optical care at a widely-felt opinion that the price of About 25 permanent staff are employed reduced rate (if not free). But you will a pint is ridiculously high in this within the Union building, most of them only know if you are entitled if you univo^ity. So, in search of a few working full-time. They include House complete an AGI form. I Officers, Kitchen Staff, Waiters, Bar answers, I paid a visit to "No-one less than Managers, Accounting Staff, and Admin- The AGI forms are available from the Manoj Patel himself", the Union Help Desk which is situated at the Can President and Union Club (^airman. The istration Staff. Many other jobs are per- formed by students, and some of the Bar in the Union of Wednesday aft^- following is a summary of the facts and noons between l^m and 2pm. Alterna- figures te outlined to me. pennanent staff have dual functions, to keep staffing costs to a minimum. Even tively then can also be collected from the Well, to start off with, it appears that so, the staff costs (including stud^t staff) Vice-President or the Welfare Officer in smd^ts at this univo^ity have unusual last year totalled £436,368, and the bar the Union offices. tastes in alcohol. Whereas at many profits have to contribute towards this - The Help Desk is a student run service univ^ities the students are happy with they come nowhere near to covering tl» provided by the Student Advice Service, an average-quality pint at a low pric£, full cost, as you can see. which can give valuable advice, informa- students here in Surrey have more ex- tion and help on any student rdated mat- ' pensive tastes. Kronenberg is our most So, maybe with all facts ccmsid»^ the bar prices are not so high after all. Com- ter. Why not drop in next Wednesday and popular pint, selling more than double the see us. amount of the number 2 choice, and it is pared to other universities they are not the also the most expensive of the lagers on cheapest, but they're not the most expens- oH'er here. It s^pears that there is no ive eiUier.The most expensive university International Week demand for the cheaper drinks, there even for drinks is Salford, where a pint av^- being complaints about the quality of ages£1.65. We're die^^er than Sussex, nternational Week has been Coors, another of the premium lagers IGngston, and Portsmouth; none of these scheduled for the week of the 12th available from the Union bars. are exactly hundreds of miles away, -18tb February 1995 and is a wieek of whereas Salford is a fair way North, so it's Iactivities planned with and for the There are £l-per-pint session lagers avail- not totally due to our location in one of International Students and all who would able, such as Heineken and plus the most expensive parts of the country like to lake part You don't have to be in McEwans is on sale in cans, but there is a (although this is a contributing factor). an active society or even belong to a much lower demand for these. Our prices are significantly lower than the society at aU, just have a genuine interest standard prices in Guildford town centre in the activities planned for the week. Another comment I have repeatedly heard (except for Guinness, as I've already There is an International Week concerns Guinness, which is roughly the mentioned), there are regular promotions, commi ttee meeting every Wed 7pm in the same price in the Union as it is in the and hopefully "happy-hoiu^" will be rein- Nelson Mandela Room and you are Guildford pubs 'n' dubs. Why? Well, troduced in the summer term. welcome to attend. FOT those of you who the Unicm is a shareholder in NUS Ser- are in a society then make sure you are vices Ltd., who have a block purchasing So, that's the word according to Manoj. represented at these meetings. agreement with many of the tn^weries Now it's time for your views. What do (thus we pay less than pubs for the stuff you students think, now that a lot of the You can contact me eiüier by leaving a in the first place). However, Guinness facts have been laid out in front of you? note in the African-Caribbean Society pi- have opted out of this agreement, forcing geon hole or by or the Physics DepL For the Union to pay (and thus charge) stand- Sue Norman Üiose who find the E-mail mcxe conveni- ard prices for this drink. ent, the address is ''ph21gb'' Again a cheaper stout is available • Beam- Gilbert Barnwell ish - but the more expensive drink once Overseas Sec m(xe proves to be more popular, possibly because of the image it seems to carry with it So, that's the word on the drinks them- selves, but it still doesn't explain the ac- tual prices. The profit made in the Union bar (that includes Chancellors) last year totaled approximately £191,000, from a turnover of ova* £1 miUi(xi. From this profit, £24,000 was used to subsidise the minibus fleet, ie. scnne of the profit was used in a way that directly benefits us students. From my involvement with one of the university's sports clubs I know that these minibuses are in great demand, and if bar prices were to be lowered then it would see an end to the minibuses. But wait a minute • I can hear all those brain-cells ticking. There's still about 27thjanuary 1995 How Is The Union Funded Anyway? A Sporting Chance? f you're a member of a club or society you might often have s I retired early from the union on Sunday to watch the wondered where the money comes from that pays for your baseball film "Eight Men Oui" I thought about the clubs activities. You might also be wondering why that relatively quiel sporting week which had just passed. money has been reduced so much this year. AAdmittedly ihree of the top English football teams had I played each other, but this was hardiy earth-shattering stuff. The answer to the first of üiese questions is that ihe money comes from the University as a block grant. This grant is known To my dismay the film had been pul back forty minutes, to make as a subvention and is currently set at approximately £330,000. room for an exü^ program. I cursed, and ordered a medium The reason why ail the clubs and societies moneys have been chicken tikka pizza, with extra pineapple. On retuming I dis- eut is because this is, quite frankly, not enough. This is because, covered that the replacement was to conœm the then forthcom- not only does this money have to fund ail the clubs and societies ing trial of the great OJ Simpson, America's ultimate black role but il aJso has to support Sabbaticals wages, Ents, Bare Facts, model and folk hero. Il's said that he savagely butchered both Stage Crew, new minibuses, the computer system.... the list his ex-wife and a friend of hers last June. goes on. For a long time it looked as if the writing was on the wall for OJ In the year ending July 1994 our subvention did not cover the (Oranthal James, I believe), who appeared to be well on the way Union's expenses for that academic year. In fiu;t there was a to becoming the definitive fallen idol.He did commercials, short fall of £56,000. This money had to be covered by the films, and also happened to be one of the most gifted American Unions reserves. There are several main reasons for this short- aihletes of ali lime, having played American Football for the fall. Firstly, we had to pay for a new Sabbatical Officer. We also Buffalo Bills in the sevenlies. Now he was headed for the gas had to pay £17,000 towards new minibuses and substantial Chamber. amounts for an internai computer network for the union offices. Or so it would seem. Califomia's District Attorney decided On top of ail of this there was an overall iiicreases in the activity before the trial that perhaps it would be belter if OJ wasn'l of ail the clubs and societies due to a dramatic increase in student executed; a life sentence would suffice, assuming his guilt was numbers. This year we also have a shortfall of £44,000. This is established, of course. American columnist Michael Kinsley mainly for the same reasons as last year but the problems have suggested that Simpson's money had enabied him to gel a been compounded through an increased awareness in safety. In "proper, unfair, American trial". This would appear to be the particular, this has affected sports clubs and Stage Crew. As a case. resuit most sports clubs have had to budget for new safety equipment and the outdoor pursuits clubs (such as Mountain- Califomia is scared; after the mess that was the Rodney King eering. Sub Aqua etc.) have had to take life saving First Aid incident, can they afford to con vici Simpson, black icon and courses. Also, Stage Crew have had to have a safety system creator of much racial controversy inihis case? installed and hard hats purchased. Simpson has done nothing to stop his defenders campaigning By the end of this academic year we will have used up almost against white policeman Mark Fuhrman, who found a bloody ail of our reserves. In effect it can be seen that we need an giove which is considered to be crucial evidence. They Claim increase in our subvention of at least £50,000 in order to stay that he planted the giove, because he doesn' t like blacks! He has afloat We also need to consider that we need to rebuild the also been accused of overlooking crucial evidence, on racial reserves that have been so badly damaged over the past two grounds.The victims were whites. Rather ihan Califomia vs. years. We need to ask the University lo reconsider the base rate Simpson, the üial is in danger of becoming white America vs. of our subvention then Union activities will be seriously cut victimised blacks, which I suspect is how OJ and friends planned back to the point that many of the minorìty clubs and societies it will have to be closed. And as student numbers carry on rising, Realistically, it's difficult to believe that OJ will be convicted; we will be eventually forced to make the remaining clubs self he has eleven top lawyers and a nation of support To the funding. unprejudiced man in the Street (of whom there are about fifteen in America, henee the almost impossible task of jury selection) Ed Anderson, it would appear that he's very much guilty (he has a history of Union Treasiirer. violent attacks on his wife), but given lhat money is power, Simpson will probably survive and go on to make unlold mil- lions on TV, in books and in the newspapers, where he will tell GEI YOUR KIT OFF FOR of the distress he's been subjecied to. Poor man. THE LADS....AND LASSES On a happier note, it's Superbowl lime again, American Foot- ball's championship game. The league is divided into two con- he charity, CRISIS is probably best known for ils férences, the AFC and the MFC, with the winners of each annua] Open Christmas Shelters but continues to help meeting in the Superbowl. For the last ten years the NFC has homeless people throughout the year. One way in üiumphed, and this year should be no différent as the mighty Twhich CRISIS provides direct help is by distributing San Francisco 49ers take on the surprise finalists from down the wann clothes every weekend to some of the 8,000 people who road, the San Diego Chargers. However, the game has a nice sleep rough on the streets. look to it The last four Superbowl's have ali been lost by the Buffalo Bills, and the last two have been won by the Dallas Just about everyone has an old pair of jeans, a jumper or a coai, Cowboys, so it's refreshing lo see a change. The 49ers are the that they've been meaning lo chuck out but somehow haven't class outfit in the league, and should win comfortably, bui on quite gol round to it If you can find some unwanted warm their day San Diego can beat anyone. Perhaps they are the team clothing sluffed away at the back of your wardrobe, then please to end Üie NFC's domination? The game is live in the Lower contact Fran Borg-Wheeler or Nathalie Jennings, either by leav- Bar on Sunday, ending at about 3am. Finally, Ipswich were ing US a noie in the US pigeon holes or in Stag Hill reception robbed on Saturday, Stein's goal being clearly offside, and Matt for Fran or Twyford Ci for Nat. We're hoping to collect enough Le Tissier is the best player in the worid, so says Dan Curtis. clothing to take a car-load up to CRISIS before the end of Oh, and the film was quite good. February, so if you can help, that would be great Rieh Allen Fran Boi^-Wheeler. 4 Bare Facts Dear Editor, D'¿ar Editor, yes those "traditional" students we now I bave spent a considerable I am writing with regard to last week's get mostly come from no ftirther away amount of tíme reading an ar- Bare Facts and the consistent feeling in than, say, London, and yes they go home tìcle in last week's Bare Facts some of the articles that the "apathy" of at Weekends but rather than bitching entitled "Baitle of the Sexes". I the students bere at Surrey has reached an about it we should do something. As bave to say I found it more dif- all timehigh. Toagreatextentlagreebut elected offìcials, you the sabbaticals ficult to follow than George Or- as you suggested in your editorial we should not be waiting fe»- the smdents to weirs"1984". should be looking at why this is the case. come and teil you what's wrmig, you should be actively going out and ^ding I think it is my duty to point out I have recently retumed from a con- out what's wrong. If the students won't to the author of this article, that ference for Student Enterprise managers come to you, you go to the students! very few people can follow sen- and Students' Union staff and sabbaticals tences of more than 30 words. from around the country to discuss the Finally, the University of Surrey Stu- Please introduce me to the per- issue of Student development. Having dents' Union lacks long term vision. son who understood, in one kept an éye on the "decline" of our union From my conversations with Sabs and read, the sentence of more than I took the opportunity to quiz some Sabs staff from other unions it is clear that this IDQ words in the article. The that were there as to how they were deal- is a role for union management. We need sentence in question begins ing with this problem. The answer I re- to be looking at what the Student of tomor- "But that would be lo ignore..." ceived was "what problem?!" row will want and how we can go about (+ 94ish words!) giving it to them as well as (not instead Despite the n^onal trends of greater Stu- of) ^ing to make as much money as ScHne people may say that this dent hardship, fewer "traditional" stu- possible to line our coffers. This isn't a was the fault of the editor. I feel that the dents (i.e. 18 and just out of sixth form) role solely for sabbaticals as they are only author should not submit articles to any etc., it seems a lot of other unions are around for a year, but their agendas need magazine without baving read them doing a hell of a lot better than us. So the to be worked around a management coreJ through himself. question is, why? With the "aub-Union" set up here at Sur- I also feel the comments made about the Fu^t, cheap beer. We can talk tili we're rey the General Manager has no input on book "Disclosure" 0>y Michael Crichton) blue in the face about why beer pnces at the long term strategy of Union services bore very little relevance to the subject Surrey are so high, but when it comes other than the food and drink outlets. matter of the book. This indicates, to me, down to it, ali the students see is the effect Compare that to Liverpool Guild of Stu- that the authcM* of the article in question on their wallets which is less than us at dents or Sheffield Hallam University hadn't read the book. virtually every single union in the whose General Managers are actively in- country, some by up to óOpH a pint. If I The book highlights the pUght of a male, volved with the students and Student was a financially hanl up Student I would who is sexually harassed by his female issues. go home for my weekend's entertainment boss. Working in a predominantly male as well because it would be a damn sight This letter isn't intended as a gripe at the environment, the hero of the story finds it cheaper than staying here. Let's not for- General Manager and the sabbaticals but very difficult to get support. The problem get however, that a union means more as a hint that maybe this Union should of lack of support is one faced by both than beer, it means Student services and Start to think about sensible change (If males and females who are sexually ha- ril come back to that later. we've got such problems filling the rassed. I felt the message from the book union, why make it bigger?). Just be- was for any person who experiences ha- Secondly, the changing Student popula- cause we've done it this way for years rassment at woik. Not just men. tion. Yes we now have more mature stu- doesn't mean we should keep doing it dents who are more likely to have other Over the last term I have become increas- Rob Jackson ingly angry and bored by the articles/col- commi tments outside of University, and umns written by this author. What you may fìnd surprìsing is that I am Willing to Dear Editor, Dear Editor, "take him on" in a "Battle of the Colum- nists". If he is Willing to give me the I would like to implore all readers of this I am amazed by the rudeness with which ^ subject for his column each week 1 will to vote in next week's elections. It is a Lyndon Hill's letter was rebuked in the happily write an alternative versión my- great shame that so few candidates are last issue of Bare Facts Qssue 832). When self. I will also use sentences of no more standing in the electins and that candi- you write a letter of complaint - no matter than 35 wcwds! dates are standing unopposed. That said, how forthright or angry - you do not ex- however, it is still vitally important, from pect replies from members of staff which Are you brave enough to take the chal- the point of view of democracy, that stu- call you a 'bigot', for your letter to be lenge? Watch this space... dents vote. If you do not want to vote for called 'bollox' and yourself subjected to any particular candidate, or you do not three rude letters stating the blindly ob- Antonia Ba)4iss want aparticular person to get the job, you vious in capital letters. Isn't this a STU- Native English Speaker must register that by voting for RON, the DENTS' Union? Or have I just walked re-opening of nominations. It is by no into a dique of rude and pompous child- means certain that a candidate will get ren? elected simply because they are unop- posed. A second ballot will have to be All three letters of reply failed to answer Oorìt formet toheld i n any case, to elect a Communica- Mr Hill's complaints. They stated the ob- tions Officer for next year so perhaps an vious; you can't sign in after eight pm. alternative, more preferable candidate(s) What they completely failed to do is ex- RECYCLE will stand then. In any case the post of piain why this can't be done. Is it Law? Sports Officer has two opposing candi- Or is it just some Jobs-wonh union regu- dates so I ask people to vote if only as a lation? Every other union I have visited in Bare Facts justice to them. Britain allows people signed in at more Paper birì5 in the sensible hours (up to midnight at Edin- Andy Renshaw burgh, for example). Union and ali ExtemalAffairs Officer Sincerely, court reception^. Bany A T Brown 27111 January 1995 Dear Editor, Dear Editor, In my opinion, the union (or club) must address these core business issues in order The issue of student apathy continues to In response to your lead article "Election to improve attendance and participation. appear in Bare Facts, confumed by the shambles" in last week's issue of Bare It has to realise it has increased competi- lack of nominees for the sabbatical elec- Facts, I feel I am speaking on behalf of the tion from the town centre, where alcohol tions. Di addition the lack of student par- many apathetic students who also feel is cheaper and the night is longer. Inciden- ticipation in the union and its events is surprised at the low number of candidates tally, providing free transport to and from also still being raised. So in order to relen- standing for this year's Sabbatical Elec- these venues (we know because of the quish my apathy label I have decided to tions. neighbours etc.) does not make business share with you my views on the falling sense, you are simply taking customers Now you may feel this to be a contfadic- attendances in the union, in order to away for free. Can you imagine a pub tion in terms. Apathetic students con- generate debate and hopefully solutions. providing free transport to another pub to cerned? Funnily enough, I believe this to keep its local residents happy ?? be so. Despite the efforts by the Union and When I first came to Surrey, in 1988,1 Students no longer have as much time or its officials, there are growing feelings was frequently reminded then by final money to go to the union as they used to, among students of alienation and disen- years of how good it was in "the good old therefore üiey have to be encouraged to chantment. I am sorry to say that this will days" ie back in 1984. Bearing in mind go. By promotions, cheaper beer (I don't continue, since apathy has been a path we that "the grass is always greener", I would know how either, what about subsidies ?) have chosen, and not one forced upon us. still say that I have wioiessed a trend of and by creating a better atmosphere. Op- The average student has resigned falling attendances at the students union. presive notices which hit you as soon as him/herself to the fact that he/she cannot It is fact, that the union bar was invariably you enter the building ("Warning" this, change anything, a prime example being packed by 10 o'clock on weekday even- "police" that etc) and not over-friendly the price of beer. Students are disgruntled ings in my final year. It is fact that people doormen do not make you feel at home or by the comparatively high prices charged, used to queue outside and sometimes as though you are in "your" club, which compared with other universities. Despite overnight for events tickets. The follow- after all we are frequently reminded we criticism, beer prices have only gone up ing three "facts", I believe explain the are. Perhaps a questionnaire could be con- in recent years. I realise this may be due falling attendances: ducted asking what people think would to financi^ considerations, but it seems to 1) There are now three Nightclubs in improve the union as a friendly desirable be the case that the students have not been Guildford town, each with their own stu- place to go ?? Perhaps local students fully informed as to why the Union has dent nights with cheap beer and entrance. (from the law college etc) should be made been forced to take such a decision. This In "the good old days", there was only more welcome ?? has only served to deepen the resignation Cinderallas and one student night, ie felt among the vast majority of us. Thursdays. Incidently, a genuine query raised, have 2) Students do not have as much money falling attendances also coincided with The way the system is evolving, is leaving as they used to. the aquisition of a club license as opposed students as a whole with an increasing 3) The job market is much more compe- to the previous pub license ?? feeling of detachment from the Union titive, hence, deparunents have responded I look forward to hearing others opinions body. The election has brought to light with increased workloads and more em- and responses. the issue of democracy. Is it ideal for our phasis is placed on obtaining good A Davey future sabbaticals to obtain a mandate grades. Therefore workloads are more in- through winning an uncontested election, tensive. albeit through no fault of their own? I admit that I may well have contributed to this state of affairs through my own infre- Dear Editor, Dear Editor, quent attendance at GMs, and non-invol- What can be done about the ignorant Last term, both I and a few friends were vement in Union committees. This people who continually deface library stupid enough to brave the cold to raise "election shambles" has brought it to my books for their own selfish purposes. I am some cash for the No.5 project in Guild- attention that to not vote at all would only constantly faced with vital core books lhat ford for homeless men. Around 20 volun- succeed in exacerbating the situation as it have been marked with pen, pencil, high- teers spent the night on Guildford High now stands. Therefore, in the interest of lighter and even have pages removed. The St, collecting in our wooly hats and occas- democracy, I feel that self-styled apa- Library resources are sketched enough sionally taking the odd nap (not.) thetic students like myself should use and so are our own personal finances, thus Before doing this, I knew very little about their vote wisely, and not merely rubber- making it difficult to purchase every book the project, nor the people who offered stamp the manifestos put forward by the required for a particular course. For this their time there. Neither did I realise quite candidates, if they do not wish to do so. reason, please consider carefully before how generous the town could be. Still, we marking books you have borrowed - other retumed the following morning, to de- If you are not entirely satisfied with any students may have different views or per- frost and catch up on the sleep we'd of the candidates, then please do not for- spectives and I am sure everyone who has missed, but with the knowledge that even get the "option of RON (re-open nomina- been faced with this problem agrees it is with luxories, sleeping rough wasn't re- tions)" as pointed out last week in the very difficult to read (objectively) chap- ally that great. same BF article, by Julie Ferguson, Re- ters which have been marked and high- tuming Officer. To coin a phrase, give lighted. Homeless people cannot preparé for a them a RON for their money. night, as we did, with flasks of hot soup We all hope to benefit from the Library - and 4 season sleeping bags. Nor can they Yours sincerely, please do not think you are the only per- return to a warm bed to recover.I didn't Simon Moores son who will be reading or researching expect to see major policy changes from from any particular book. Make your own this activity, but it's certainly changed my notes, on your OWN piece of paper or There will be no ideas about the homeless, and I hope, of notebooks, and don't become a slave to the people who donated money in sheer more letters the 'me, me, me' syndrome - there are published on the others in this worid too you know. Books disbelief that we'd sleep subzero tem- are things to read, treasure and revere, not peratures to prove a point subject of signing-in deface and make virtually unreadable for Alyson NichoUs the next student. policy - please read P.S. Thanks to all those who sponsored the Editorial Marilyn Warner me... Get your money out! 6 Bare Facts Dear Editor, visited (none of whom, incidentally, have the restrictive signing-in policies of Sur- I have read with great interest the argu- rey, even though they are located in the ments going back and forth about the middle of large urban areas and therefore issue of signing in to the Union. It does prone to all these drunk troublemakers Union House seem rather childish that people have to which are deemed to hang around out- result to insults when trying to get their University of Surrey side). Hiere are normally two people on points across, but maybe that is just one the door (as far as I'm aware) so this Guildford indication of how seriously the people in needn't be a problem, charge of the Union take their jobs. ii) If students can't be trusted to ignore a Surrey Firstly, on the front page of the 20th drunk or troublemaker üiey' ve never met January edition of Bare Facts, Mr Bennett GU2 5XH who asks to be signed in, then what are writes "TTiere is a general trend towards we doing letting these students into the non-involvement in the union ... Few union in the first place. I'm sorry, butlam Tel: (01483) 259275 people write letters to Bare Facts." If the quite capable of spotting the obvious flak thrown at Mr Hill is indicative of the troublemakers (which apparently makes Fax: (01483) 34749 responses normally given to people who me a bigot), but the only way to keep contribute, then are you really surprised Email: [email protected] troublemakers out of the union is to not by the lack of submissions? have the union at all; having an arbitrary More importandy, despite the length of 8pm deadline won't achieve this. The deadline for submissions the replies and the vehemence of opinion TTie apathy towards student politics (from is Noon on the Tuesday shown, it is interesting that no one has yet local to national level) at this union is preceding publication. tt) satisfactorily answer one of Mr HiU's entirely due to the (in)action of the people points: why, exactly, can we not sign who run it, and there is no getting away All submissions must have a people into the union after 8pm? It is not from this fact. No matter how much work name and Union card number. always possible to know before 8pm you think you are putting into a job or how Submission is no guarantee whether or not you will need to sign well you are promoting your cause, if you someone in, and so telephoning ahead is of publication. cannot successfully communicate with not necessarily the answer. the student body, then it is you who are I'm afraid that the reasons given are en- primarily responsible and not the student- tìrely unsatisfactory for reasons which s. should be obvious: i) There is no signing in because it would Finally, I have to ask ''No-one less than apparently cause queues at the door. Not Manoj Patel himself ' to grow up and to only do I think that it is up to me as to how start acting like the responsible union of- I feel about standing in line for a few ficial that be claims to be, rather than minutes, but why not use two queues - e.g. insulting people and twisting their words one for signing in and one for unaccom- instead of answering their questions. panied members - as used successfully at cinemas, theatres and, more importantly, Andrew Fordham Information and UCL, ULU, Edinburgh, Manchester and Helpline service many other Students' Unions I have Dear Editor, 8pm - 8am We are writing on behalf of the Friday night bar crew concerning the idiot who abused our fu-e alarm system within the Union. To those who aren't already the alarm was set off at around 10.30pm during the free "Friday Night Out". At this time the Union Phone ext. 4949 building was filled to capacity and had been for some time. A party atmosphere was already present and a good time was going to be had by all -even the bar staff were Between Wey and getting in the mood. It all came to an abrupt end, though, when at 10.30 the entire building had to be evacuated (including Chancellors and PIZZA+) and over 1100 Wandle in Surrey Court partygoers found themselves stuck on Union Hill. These people were obviously very annoyed to discover the event had been cancelled. Especially as a lot of them might of travelled in from off-site locations, paying expensive Taxi fares in the process, 'räis Dear Editor, person also managed to cost the Union in the region of £4 - 5000 in lost bar takings, I was surprised to hear by way of rumour, not to mention the charges incurred for calling out the fire brigade, resetting the alarm that at least some of the considerable entry system and loss of wages for bar staff/security. fee (£3.50 or £4.00!!) for the Drag Disco, goes to the Rugby Club. Firstly, is this so, Ironically, by way of his reckless behaviour, this person has actually done the Union and if so how much of the entry fee? If Üie a favour. He has shown us how inadequate die new fire alarm system is. Upon it's Drag Disco is to be a charity event (which activation it took somewhere in excess of thirty seconds to even realise that the alarm I have never understood it to be), then I had been triggered. We only heard it because (quite by chance) we were by the rear can think of several other (in fact almost entrance of the servery. The rest of the bar staff heard nothing. Neither did they see ANY other) more worthy groups or the flashing light that is positioned in the main serving area. That too is inadequate. causes. For instance, if sports at Surrey Perhaps the company who installed the system didn't realise the effect that 1100 are to benefit, why not all sports clubs or shouting customers can have. We had to listen hard to just to see if the music had at least more than one? Secondly, how stopped. In short there are two lessons we can learn from Friday nighL have the Rugby Club negotiated this spe- 1) DON'T set off the fu^e alamis because it really annoys a lot of people. cial arrangement, whereby a Union event benefits them fìnancially? I would be 2) Lets get a decent system that everyone can hear at the right time, pleased to fìnd that 1 have been misin- yours in annoyance, formed about the Drag Disco, and would value a reply. Norman Driskell, Bar Supervisor for Friday Night Ed Anderson, Bar CeQar Manager for Friday Night Jason Wheeler 27th January 1995 7 Editorial osh. Well, I suppose I should be glad I've got people imagine if you had a real problem here. Who would you turn to writing in, expressing their views. In fact, applause to for help? Exactly. It may not be a case of "use it or lose it", but the lot of you. Whilst I'm not sure I want thi^ pages make sure that the Union is doing what you want it to. of letters every week, a steady stream would be nice. GI have landed myself in it somewhat though, and now I have a Elsewhere in this issue, the Fire Alarm. In the earlier part of my few points to answer. Since I am not going to publish any more Univeristy career, this sort of thing was a regular occurence. letters cmi this subject, th^ are a few loose ends to tie up. Late night extensions weren't If you want to keep partying until two, cut out the bells. And to those of you who thought I was enjoying myself standing out on Stag Hill shoutmg, think about Signing-in Policy it. Is that really your idea of fun? Neither is it mine. The Licence the Union holds is one of a private members club, Mr Hopkins, the ever-controversial, has once again sparked off as opposed to a nomal bar licence. Hence, if you are not a a bit of stir. Mysoginistic maybe. And there is the case of OJ member, you mustbe signed in as a guest of an existing member. Simpson. It's an interesting point that were the proceedings in If you are already a member, you cannot be signed in, because this country, we would be forbidden to report many of the things you alre^y have membership. With me so far? You must carry that are now appearing in Üie American media. Trial by televi- your Union card when coming to the Union to prove your sion is commonplace in the states. With a campus TV station in membership. This is why Mr Hill could not get in the building the offing, can we look forward to Union Officials being grilled that fateful Sunday night. If you'd like us to tatoo your member- live on the box? Or would a televised GM simply mean less ship number on your forehead, then fine. But for most of you, I attendance than the already pitiful amount? Maybe it could work think carrying your card is the more image-consious option. in reverse. If snippets of the proceedings were shown later, Hint carry it in your wallet. You need money to buy drinks, so would that encourage more people to come? you'll be stuck without some cash anyway. The reason we don't Bare Facts will be carrying a series of articles designed to let accept library cards, ISIC cards and the like is that if you are you know about the Union and its workings. We will be explain- banned, you have your Unicm card removed. We have no right ing what a sabbatical is, what they have to do, who you should to remove those other cards, so they are no jwxwf of membership. see to enquire about what The mechanisms of the GM, which A list of banned people? How would you like to be held up at can be complicated at the best of times, will be described and the do(XS every time you go in to be checked off a list? Can you hopefully r^uced to plain English. We also hope to get a regular imagine the chaos on a Friday night? report of the goings-on at this week's GM. Overall, the aim is As for the 8 o'clock rule, that is a rule we have adopted here at to remove some of the mystery and complication behind the Surrey, and as outlined by the chief steward last week, this was Union organisation. Please let us know if we succeed. to stop hangers-on being signed into the Union and to prevent Jonathan Bennett queues fwming at the door. Before I get any further into argu- Communications Officer ments about whether we still need this, can I point out Matters of Club Policy can be discussed at Club Committee meetings. The next Club meeting is on Wednesday 2nd February (week 4) at 1pm in the Nelson Mandela Committee Room If you have any questions regarding the bars and how they are run, go along to club meetings. There are student representatives on the commits, whose job it is to make sure your interests are Attention ALL being looked after. The good old rant I had last week seems to have stirred at least some interest (I find it quite bizarre to be referred to as "Mr Clubs and Bennett" ttiough!) I hope now just a few more people will make the effort, not just to come and vote, but ot take abitmore interest Societies in the Union in general. I am very pleased to say more people are getting involved in the writing of this here rag, and I thank all the people who came along to this week's meeting. We even Society travel Policy has changed. There are decided to start having two meetings a week. Keen or what! new rates for hire of Union minibuses in Many of the conunents made in this week's issue, fiom students force. and even the VC, are revieving to hear. That the Union is important to the University is something I tend to take for The new edition of the Beano contains all the granted. Does the Union have an image of being little more than information you will need. You can collect a a drinking bole? If it were, we wouldn't need Sabbatical Officers to run the place. The representation that is part of our function copy from the Communications Office. is the one my colleagues and I see as the most important aspect After all, that's why the Union was set up in the first place. The detail of the new charges are also dislplayed outside the cashiers ofGce. The University administration at Surrey are quite sympathetic to students' n^ds. At some other institutions, students get well, stuffed big time by their University. Accomodation with mouldy matresses is just one of the horror stories I have heard. Just 8 Bare Facts Marking Scheme SINGLE REVIEWS 5 - Fireman Sam 4 • Rosie and Jim SINGLE OF THE WEEK (1) 3 - Postman Pat WEEZER:Undone (Geffen) 2 - The Riddlere 1 - TOTS TV It would be easy to dismiss this as standard American lofi rock as initially it copies the lazy guitar sound of Pavement and the Anything eise is PC Pinkerton rambling vocals of Sebadoh, but then it bursts back and forth into a Strange little song about sweaters. lit also keeps switching Album Reviews to the rambling nonsense and asking if you know about the party. Weezer aren't standard lofi pop and are just as nerdy as Pave- LEFTFIELD:Leftism (Hard Hands) ment and just as stränge as Sebadoh to be just as big as both. After listening to this album, I am left with a It rocks in a cosy, wistful way and it's one of those songs you buge problem, that is not being able to think can play before you go out to, ironically, a party. It could well of words to describe just how bloody smart be a spring time Student table smash this, a bit like the new adult this album is. I can use all those wcH'ds like series of Rosie and Jim. super, smashing, great etc, but adjectives such as glimmering, celestial and angelic seem slightly more SINGLE OF THE WEEK (2) approprile. BAD RELIGION:21st Century (Sony) Leftfield are responsible for the dancefloor classic that In these highly technological days, with records being made on was "Open Up" and that is just one of 11 glimmering P.C's and the like there comes a time when we are proud of tracks, from the opening swirls of "Release The fess- records like this. Bad Religion are the grandads of the American ure" through to the gorgeous techno beats of "Zlst "poonk" scene and their singer Greg Graffm has just looked at Century Poem". It's not just a techno album it's got his fellow "poonks" and says "let's do this properly". Everyone traces of skank dub, ambience and pop songs Uke agrees, so he growls along and they bop tunefully along to a "Original" which features Curve's Toni Halliday. steady beat, and next week when it Charts high in the Top 20, Bad Religion will be stars. It's slightly more cheery than the Leftfield have succeeded in making an album that Rosie and Jim theme tune. doesn't have a single weak moment, now how many albums, let alone dance albums, can you say that about? SUEDEiNew Generation (Nude) The third and best release from the laughingly good "Dog Man It's a lovely, fluffy quite outstanding album, and it's Star". It's the Suede that I'd forgotten exis^ soaring snippets as sexy as Sam the hero next door. of incredible chords that if they were a paint they would be pastel watercolours. It's pure pop music, which the evU strach APOLLO 440:Millennium Fever (Sony) of greedy bastard record companies hangs too thickly in the air Apollo 440 make no Claims to be kings of the dance- to be granted this weeks highest and much sought after SOTW floor, but with this album they might elevate them- but it is a stunningly good record, as are the two new tracks selves to being the Ixidssmaid instead of the drunkard written by Dick "So Young" Oakes which basically are better in the comer th^ no one knows. "Millennium Fever" takes 10 than the average Blur single, as is the Rosie and Jim theme tune. tracks and for just over an hour the Gray brothers fling you through a hypnotíc state of techno mayhem. Apollo 440 sound like a camp versión of The Grid but the similarities are absent when you bear songs like "Liquid Cool" and the sparkling cover versión of Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear The Reaper", basically this album makes you want to dance until your sanity is in tatters and your brain is spinning too quickly. Apollo 440 haven't made an album made of fancy techno bollocks. Some of it is simple good pop music and most of it is irresistiMe just like that sex goddess Rosie. VARIOUS ARTISTS:Higher Leaming OST (Epic) The album that gives us the fu^t new RATM song in two years, but also features Tori Amos com- pletely and utterly destroying "Losing My Reli- gion", it also has Ice Cube swearing a lot and several of his gangsta mates swearing a lot on other tracks. The RATM song "Year Of "TTie Boomerang" is RATM being RATM, it's unremarkable and for- gettable a bit Uke the whole album really, it does have it's moments like the particularly wonderful Liz Phair and some rapper called Zhane, the film is brought to us by the blokie wbo made Boyz In Da Hood so you can decide for yourself if it' s your cup of tea. What you shouldn't do is rush out and buy it if you are a RATM fan be

Folk Club Presents: ROCKERS HIFl:What A Life (4th and Broadway) A dope-paced, white boy hip bop, sung by the type of bloke who thinks he is dead sexy Kindred but really he looks like the school spanner. Rockers Hifi have this certain something which suggests that they could soon have a global appeal and be on the end of everyone's lips. Spirit indred Spirit are Elaine "What A Life" skips unsteadily tlirough its tale and is so slow that you have to notice Samuels (vocal and guitar) it This too could be a contender for SOTW if it wasn't for the 4 remixes and and Jane Eldridge (vocal and instrumentai tacked on to the end, not very good value for money, unlike a squeezy fiddle). Elaine has been seen Postman Pat van, with which you can literall y have hours of fun and frolics. K in the Lower Bar in a solo capacity before, and has now teamed up with MOLLY HALF HEAD:Breaking The Ice (Colombia) Jane to form an exuberant duo. Molly Half Head were supposed to be Shed 7 but sold arse ali records so were not and Lower Bar it's not surprìsing because they aren't very good. "Breaking The Ice" completely and utterly steals tiie baseline from "Charlotte Sometimes" by The Cure, Molly Half Head are sad indie mopheads who really should go and get jobs in shoe shops because it's Tuesday 31st less embarrassing üian the turd they churiì out. The singer has adopted this crap way January of saying z when he means s and it pisses you off rotten, but it's stili better than Blur, just like Tots T.V. 8pm Steve French MUSIC NEWS

GLASTONBURY 1995 country, the single called " A Small Nuclear Device" is released on February 20üi and the tour starts in March. he Glastonbury Festival intends to celebrate it's 25th anniversary with a line up that people are calling "it's Pitiful Irish AOR rock group The Cranberries have unfortu- most ambitious and entertaining yet". However, at this nately denied nimours that they are going lo split up so that Tpoint no bands have been confinned but many have singer Dolores can go solo, they have constanüy been postpon- been approached by orgaiiizer Michael Eavis, these include The ing gigs and blaming knee injuries, tiie band claim that there will Stone Roses as a possible headline act. Pearl Jam, R.E.M, The be a new single in February and then a new album around Cranberries, The Grateful Dead, and hundreds of other names. Chrisunas, and they will possibly be playing some festivals in Eavis has put an extra quarter of a million pounds into the the summer. festival this year making sure that toilet and washing facilities are better and buying yet another field so that more people can Respect is due to Terrorvision who have tumed down the chance get in. Tickets will be on sale from March and will be a record to support those had rocking muthas Bon Jovi because they can't £65. stand them and think that Jon and his boys are sad. Instead Terrorvision will be supporting R.E.M in Huddersfìeld along- OTHER NEWS side Echobelly, The Beautiful South and Belly, on July 26th. Talking of that new British band The Stone Roses, IJEA have Prince, has announced that he intends to stay on the road until shocked üie music world by revealing that the band will play his record company (with whom he considers himself to be a their first gig in five years there on March lOtii, tickets will be slave) release his new "Gold Experienœ" album. My advice to £10 and go on sale in February, tiiis has put pay to the Roses Mr Prince is that if he wants to "stay on the road" then he should hopes of announcing gigs on the day. try the M25 at about 5pm every evening because nobody will ever see you. Again. Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine, the band that nobody likes anymore will release their lOOlh album on Feb 6th entiUed And finally, Pearl Jain have announced that they intend to tour "Worry Bomb" it comes free with a live album recorded in the U.K in tiie month of October and to play venues no bigger Bosnia, apparentiy you can hear guns in the background, it than Brixton Academy, "on principle". So it's not because you seems that Carter will do almost anything to get people in their are boring as buggery live and that NO ONE wants you around gigs these days. then. Back To The Planet are set to return to the music world by releasing a new singlé and album and then tour round the Steve French 10 Bare Facts 'Skinny Bop'

Menswear, Students Union, 22 January 1995 ype... one word which will surely destroy a bands future. It wasn't long before Menswear were adopted as tbis mondas band of the Century - Halready darlings of the sweaty palmed music hacks, desperate to fìnd the Next Big Thing, Menswear play the University of Surrey Students Union. Bizarre or what ?? It is rare that any very weil known band plays here on a sunday night - last term, the best known was CoUapsed Lung - hardly a name on every pop kids Ups. So, Menswear, on the strength of a handful of gigs and no record release as of yet, need to prove themselves. The crowd on the night was one of the biggest since the beginning of the year - obviously the word has spread. A definite sense of anticipation lingers, from the mildly curious to the Tm here to be impressed' brigade. Myself, I didn't know what to expect... ali I could imagine was John Inman picking up the phone in Grace Bros, and saying in a deep voice... Üie 'M'word. Eventually they amble on, five skinny, pale blokes with cheekbones to die fon Not to mention the haircuts. A weird bunch - one guitarist looks like your girl/boy friends olmoxiously snotty kid brotherand the drum- mer like abank clerk... but we musn't judge by ^pearances must we. Th^'s how hype starts, after ali. But what about the music ? £rm, it's quite good actually. Tight, spunky punky pop wiüi roots in The Jam, The Clash ... may sound funny, but I de^ted a Madness t>i)e bounci- ness to some songs - almost a ska feel. That may just be me though. One song, a (hopefuUy) first single - 'Hollywood Girl*, simply ooz^ class. However, one thing let them down. Menswear have an arrogance that is stränge for such a young band. An impasse was reached between us and the band - they expected us to adore them, whilst we didn't know whm to expecL Cue polite applause unti! the beer sinks in and people start to bop. Which they did - lots. By which time it was too late. After about half an hour Menswear left the stage, Johnny slamming his mike stand to the stage and Simon tossing his guitar in the general direction of the dnim riser. Wooo wowdy webel wousers. They were pissed off with us. Cheers. Well, Menswear will probably be up high come this years polis. They have got ali the right ingredients - Johnny can pull off a pretty cool Damon/Brett pose and the boys behind him jump around a loL And, oh yes, the songs - they work. Justrememberboys, we can see through your arrogance. It doesn't woik. (Shampoo sounded better than ever - Steve French) Tony Burton

The Last Action OFU See.

y the time you read this.... I will no longer be OFU On Wednesday, the Arts Cinema are showing a film by our secretary! Yes, my one year stint at the job has come Honorary President, David Puttnam. Recently honoiu-ed by the to an end already - but before I get emotional and Queen at New Year, he produces 'War of the Buttons' which is reminiscent, l'd better teli you about the films we have simply a brilliant film, so come and see iL Tickets are £2 from Bnext week. the Trading Desk. On Sunday at 5pm & 8pm, and Monday at 8pm, the OFU film That's over for the last time (do I hear sighs of relief?) but before is Wolf, starring Jack Nicholson as the hair-growing howler. I disappear forever, my thanks go to Ren and Stimpy, to the After he is bitten by a fake wolf, he gets heightened senses female readers forpuOing up with my sexist comments, to Bare sharpen and becomes full of energy. Not only does it give his Facts for printing my sexist comments, to Rachael for so exper- career a* boost, his love-life improves infìnitely when he man- tly training our new projectionists, to the Union.staff for ali their ages to get involved with Michelle Pfeiffer (as it's my last help, to ali OFU members and to the select OFÜ administrators column. l'd just like to say Üiat she could stroke me any time, for makmg it so enjoyable. Commiser.... I mean, congratula- ahem.) Unforümately, it doesn't last because he starts killing tions go to the new committee. Keeping with my favourite pwple. Tickets are £2 from the trading desk, or £2.50 if reserved tradition, with the House Officer. Season Tickets are available from the trading desk. This is Commander Hoek, in an advanced stage of space mad- ness, signing off..... USSU and The Surrey Stingers present the one & only

Sunday 29th January / 995 In The Lower Bar Doors open at 7.B0 p.m. 8pm Till The End ^ Quiz starts at 8.00 p.m. Only £1.00 Entry

Budweiser Promotion sa pnzes Watch The Game in the to be woKv Righi Atmosphere... In The Lower Bar TOAVOIDDISAPPOINIENIGEITHEREEARLY

Take away or Free delivery 8 p.m. -12 midnight ail mek cHÌMcUcce^ Note: Thursday & Saturday take away avaìiable until 2 a.m. and Friday until 3 a.m. Y ^ìzzas now ovai ab e in 3 sizesi small me^um large uMti ^ tu^ fwUeùf £2#00 £4*00 £b.OO eomm ^¿iiùt^ SfrecùU Vié^ Meat Curry + Rice £2.00 Vcg Curry + Rice £2.00 .oo Cappucino. tea. coffee & hot chocolate available to tahe away Available from 8.30 a.m. to 7.30 p.in. PHONE EXTENSION 3444 WEEK ENDING THURSDAY 2ND FEBRUARY Friday 27th Saturday 28th RUGBY CLUB presents AFRICAN CARIBBEAN SOC THE ANNUAL DRAG DISCO' 9pm-2am UNION LOUNGE 8-2AM In The Lower Bar £3.50 (£4 without Drag) featS-ALIVE ENTRY £3 COCKTAILS on stage at lOpm. LOWER BAR8-1L30 Sunday 29th — Monday 30th Free Band QUENH-E 7.30pm LOWER BAR HEATHERNOVA FREE! (Siizanne Vega goes Indie) Band on at 9,30pm. OFU presents 'Wolf OFU film - 'Wolf LTG Spm 5pm & 8pm LTG ^^ TICKETS £2 from Trading Desk Tuesday 31st Wednesday Ist Feb"^ FOLK CLUB COMEDY NIGHT LOWER BAR 8-llpm. feat STEWART LEE 8pm LOWER BAR £2 entry, NBA £1

Thursday 2nd CYPRUS SOCIETY Normal Opening Umes 9-2AM LOWER BAR UPPER BAR: 7.00-ll,00pm (Sunday 10,30pm) CHANCELLORS:ll-llDLpm PIZZA+: 8-12am (2am Thurs & Sat, 3am Fri)

Forthcoming Major Events: Friday 3rd February Saturday llth February MASQUERADE BALL VALEÌ^INTE'S 70'S Hall Complex 8-3.30am C AR WASH DISCO feat THE PASADENAS with special guests TICKETS ON SALE FROM CORDUROY THE CAN BAR 12pin Tickets £5 on sale Jan 30th Guests and NUS card holders are allowed unless otherwise stated. Voting Times qs FoIIouis: Ullonday 30th January 12.00piii - 2.00pni

Tuesday 3 Ist January 12Mpni - 2.00pni WednesJay Ist February I2.00pni - 2.00pni

Thursday 2nd February I I.OOam - / LOOpm

Friday Srd February 8.30am - 2.30pni

All Voting Takes Place In The Main Lounge, Students' Union Please Bring Your Union Card or Library Card When You Vote. 27th January 1995 11

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¡M ^er. áuPa /et t*[Ofe. a 'í^Wí^ AmM^^ .doi-'^ /^e ^ /to TMI^i^'^c MORTEM 12 Bare Facts OUT OF THE FRYING PAN...

imon Gray's latest play. Cell Mates, starts in Wormwood Scrubs and finishes up in Moscow, but it's a case of prison to prison for Rik Mayall's Sean Bourke, whose firiendsblp of circumstance and situs with famous traitor George Blake (Stephen Fry) is to land him in more hot water than he could possibly imagine. Whilst Bouilce is a petty Irish criminal, Blake is a man with a history. This is a cleverly-constructed play of dependence and seeming symbiosis. Blake needs Bourke's help to break out of the Scrubs, depends on Bourke to nurse him through his over-the-wall injuries and has to prevail upon and trust him to smuggle him to Russia. Once behind the Iron Curtain, though, the rôles are reversed. It is Bourke who needs Blake to interpret Russian and to protect him from the overzealously suspicious KGB Committee who watch them night and day. Bourke, who has left one foreign prison, in England, finds himself a ¿fé facto priscmer in another foreign land, as it becomes increasingly clear that the KGB will not allow him to leave Moscow. This is when the relationship between the two men becomes most interesting, Bouilce, as one might expect, turning out to be the much more sympathetic of the pair. This is a fine play, tautJy directed by its author, with a host of superb acting. Stephen Fry is as wonderfully smug, self-confident, yet amiable as Stephen Fry always is. Rik Mayall, perhaps best Imown for his anarchic rôles, turns out to be an extremely convincing "straight" actor. Both these men are capable of holding an audience single-han(ted; together, they are electric. Hie supporting rôles, too, are well-played. Paul Mooney and Sam Dastor managed to be both menacing and comic as ttie sinister KGB guards with an amusing tendency to mar their otherwise grammatically-perfect English with confused idioms. g Tliis reviewer's only gripe: there is a lot of Russian in this play, and whilst one can understand it, Uie pronunciation does leave something to be desired. This is something that the cast could work on before transferring to the West End - although whoever taught them to say "please" in Russian ought to be sent on a picnic at a KGB dacha. Cell Mates continues at the Yvonne Arnaud Theatre, Guildford until 28 January, then transfers to the West End. Y A. Box office: 0483 440000. Andrew WUcock ARTSROUND

Yvonne Arnaud Theatre, Guildford mances of new works created during the day by Dance and 17 - 28 January: Cell Mates by Simon Gray. Rik Music students, and followed by a discussion session. Mayall and Stephen Fry star in an engaging tale of a Russian spy Monday 30 January: Guildford Cathedral: 7.30pm: Body as and an Irish petty criminal who strike up a friendship in prison. Site by Rosemary Butcher & Company: Tîie highly-acclaimed artist (and University Choreography Lecturer) presents a live 1-11 February: Indian Ink: world première of the new play collaboration with visual artists, an architect and a composer. from Tom Stoppard. Felicity Kendall and Art Malik star in a tale (Tickets £3). of India both prior to independence and today. Beg, borrow or steal a ticket, for even the press can't get in! Wednesday 1 February: PATS Studio One: 1.15pm: FREEJ Lunchtime Concert given by students from the Music Depart-' Box Office: 440000 ment New Victoria Theatre, Woking Wednesday 1 February: PATS Studio One: 7.30pm: Ad- Until 28 January: Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Gruesome mission FREE: Composition Concert featuring new works com- panto featuring Russ Abbott and some awful-looking thing fix)m posed by University Music students. ITV's Gladiators is finally put to bed with a bowl of porridge. Wednesday 25 January: Lecture Theatre G: 8pm: Arts Cinema 31 January - 4 February: The Constant Wife by Somerset presents The War of the Buttons, a charming tale of "war" Maugham. Starring Fiona Fullerton and Nigel Davenport, this between schoolboys in an Irish village. Tickets (£2) must be was reviewed in BF last tenn. purchased in advance from the Union Trading Desk. Tickets are not available on the door. Box Office: 761144 February 3-5: The annual University Chamber Orchestra Thorndike Theatre, Leatherhead weekend takes place. This is a weekend of rehearsals followed by a concert on the Sunday evening. This year's programme Until 28 January: Annie. Sweet (some would say sickly) mu- comprises Weber Overture from die Freischütze, Chaminade sical about a poor little orphan girl finally gets the gun. Flute concertino, Larsson Trombone concerto and Beethoven 31 January - 18 February: In Praise of Love: Peter Bowles Symphony No. I. The student-nm chamber orchestra has been a stars in Terence Rattigan's most tender and thought-provoking gi^t success in previous years and musicians from all depart- play. ments are welcome to join in the fun. Rehearsals will be kept to a minimum, and a rehearsal schedule will be avail- Box Office: 0372 377677 able soon. All those who are interested should sign up on the concert noticeboard in the upstairs foyer ON CAMPUS of PATS. Saturday 28 January: PATS Dance Stu- listings compiled by Andrew Wflcock, Arts dio: 7pm: Admission FREE: Choreographie Editor & Composition Workshop featuring Perfor- M 27th January 1995 16 ODEON, EPSOM ROAD

Enquiries/Credit Card bookings : Guildford 578017. Advance Box Office open 2pm - 7pm. Student Discount avmlable Mon-Thurs before 7pm (with NUS or ISIC card only). Friday 27 January for Seven Days Screen 1 : INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE (18) This adaption of Anne Rice's best-seller is actually better than we had any right to exp>ecL In fact, it's arguable whether the film is better than the book, especially as the movie's major problems are those of the novel; in particular, that the story has no narrative impetus. It is an episodic series of events with no drive (unlike, say, Branagh's Trankenstein" which coveredplot holes by rushing along so fast they were almost unnoticeable). However, i^art from that, this is good, full bloodied, stuff with Brad Pitt relating to Christian Slater his tale of vampirism. Along the way we cover centuries, meet vampires Tom Cruise and Antonio Banderas, and the young orphan Claudia (an amazing perfonnance from young Kirsten Dunst). Neil Jordan directs with a stunning visual sense - as you'd expect from the director of "The Company of Wolves". Frl/Sun-Thurs 230 5.15 8.00 Sat 130 4.15 7.00 9.45 Screen 2: TIME COP (18) I Jean Claude Van Damme needs a very good director to turn him into a half-way decent actor; without that, all he does is jump up and kick people in the head. But that's what he's good at and that's what he does here. This is some time travel nonsense, with Van Damme as a time-travelling cop making sure no one buggers about with the past. Of course, nasty senator Ron Silver does just that, so it's time for some action, effects, stunts and fights. As shot and directed by Peter Hyams ("2010", "Capricorn One") this looks okay, has a few neat ideas but wastes them by getting on with the action - which, really, is what the punters want Fri/Mon-Thurs 130 4.00 6.20 8.45, Sat 3.10 530 8.00 1030 Sun 4.00 6.20 8.45 No perfs Weds MIRACLE ON 34TH STREET (U) Sat 12.45 Sun 1 JO ,Weds I Feb

THE ADVENTURES OF PRISCILLA QUEEN OF THE DESERT (15) This is a thoroughly enjoyable camp romp with Terence Stamp, Hugo Weaving and Guy Pearce travelling across Oz from Sydney to Alice Springs in their pink bus, called 'EViscilla' (hence the title). Of course, the fact that they are all female impersonators turns the journey into a wild, comic, touching Odyssey. While it isn't quite as funny as it would like to be, it's still a lot of fun and worth seeing if only for the performance of one-time heart- throb Stamp as Bernadette. Weds 1.30 3.45 6.15 8.45 screens: STARGATE (PG) Absolute twaddle, but brainless fun if you like that type of thing, with effccts and explosions and fights, a touch of romance and even a hint of political correctness (fags are bad, reading is good). While the middle bit drags, it is at least half an hour too long, and the whole thing makes no sense whatsoever - even on its own terms - it's vaguely enjoyable in a childish sort of way. Egyptologist James Spader and a company of grunts led by Kurt Russell travel through the Stargate to a desert planet ruled by the nasty Jaye Davidson (playing an alien was probably the only other role suitable after "The Crying Game") and everything ends with a big battle. Every important plot development is emphasized and triply underlined so that even those snogging in the back row know what's going on, so the best thing to do is sit back and count the other films they've stolen bits from: well, there's "Star Wars", "Aliens", "Rai^rs of the Lost Ark"... Fri/Mon-Thurs 2.00 530 8.15 Sat 1.45 430 7.15 10.00 Screen 4 : ONLY YOU (PG) Director Norman Jewison had a big hit with "Moonstruck" and now he's back in the same territory. This time, Marisa Tornei, inspired by a Ouija board message she had as a kid, runs off to find her perfect man. She knows his name, and the fact that he's in Italy, but that's about it With sister-in-law in tow she's off to Italy and on course for a lush, over-the-top, hugely sentimental (and totally unrealistic) romantic comedy. This wants to be "Roman Holiday" but as it hasn't got Gregory Peck or Audrey Hepburn it can't quifô make it However, that gives you some idea of the flavour of this sugary sweet concoction. If you liked "Sleepless in Seattle" and "Moonstruck" then this is for you, if you found those to gooey for you taste then give this a miss. Fri/Sun-Thurs 1.15 3.40 6.10 8.50 Sat 1230 2.55 5.25 7.55 10.25 Pete »n' Phfl 14 Bare Facts Selling Yourself once inierviewed six graduâtes for a job as careers information officer for eVery oPportunity one of tiie London Collèges. They Iail had 2.Vs, they were all perfecUy qualified and they were all extremely ....should be seized, so why not: pleasant. If only Td wanted six information officers Td have been 1) stand for the post of Science Faculty Officer. If you are interested in representing laughing! But I didn'i Fortunately, at the Students' Union and science faculty students on the Faculty Board then you are the end of every interview I asked diem the person we're looking for. all the same question. "If I were to offer you this job what would you say?" I hated 2) attend the National Union of Students Womens Conférence from 13th March to myself for asking it, but I kind of felt it 16lh March in Blackpool. Represent Surrey female students at national level. might prove crucial. Itdid. Thefirstfive answered "Pd be very interested in it", the 3) volunteer to man the Help Desk for an hour or two on a Wednesday aftemoon. This last answered "l'd really love this job". service is run by students and it is hoped that it will eventually be extended to cover No prizes for guessing who I offered it to. more lunchtimes, however, without volunteers it will go no where.

You see, not only did the sixth candidate 4) join a dedicated team of volunteers to help coordinate and run the Students' Union come out with a more convincing answer, awareness weeks. The Welfare Committee meets every Friday at Ipm in the Nelson she also sounded as if she really meant it Mandela Room - everyone and I do mean everyone is welcome. It's not just what you say that' s important it's also how you say it If you are interested in doing any of the above, tben I will be only too pleased to lei, Before you go for an interview you've got you have more infonnaiion. Either give me a ring on ext. 9228 or pop down to my to convince yourself you really want the office. job. That enthusiasm, motivation, ambi- tion and interest will not only drive you through the interview but will also "col- Accommodation Search our" how you answer their questions. Em- ployers are aiways on the look out for It has reached the time of year when second year and some third year students are commitment, loyalty and energy in their searching for off-site accommodation. You should already be aware from Richard applicants. AU other factors being equal, Paxton's letter in last week's Bare Facts, of the time scale involved. The Accommo- they're bound to prefer people who give dation Handbook is currently being updated and will be ready very soon. the impression tliat they really want the job. Healthy Options Week Every year I have to take Milkround in- terviewers to lunch between their mom- Just a brief reminder that week 6 is Sainsbury's Healthy Options Week, there will be ing and aftemoon appointments. Last lots of things going on and even a few freebies being handed out. Last week the Welfare year I was saddened that so many of them Committee laid down a challenge to all budding chefs in the form of a recipe said how boring some of their candidates compétition. The challenge is to come up with an original, nutritionally balanced menu had been. If a colourful candidate appears for a meal for 2, for less than £10. Ist prize is £20 worth of Sainsbury's vouchers, 2nd amongst a sea of grey faces, the inter- is £10 worth of Sainsbury's vouchers and 3rd is £5 worth of Sainsbury's vouchers. So viewer is bound to remember them at the get your thinking caps on, the closing date is midday on Monday. (All entries must end of a long and tiring day. Which ca- have name and union card number on and should be put in the Bare Facts box in the tegory do you plan to fâl into - boring or Union foyer). fascinating? It's your choice. Russ Clark Heather Stych Careers Service Vice Président Welfare Se Education Motor Cycle Stolen n week one of this term a customised A good idea for cycles is to have the frame Suzuki motor cycle was stolen from postmarked this can be done by the police the car park on union hill, the owner on campus if there is demand. had put in three years work on the Ibike. This incident serves as a timely For motor cycles if there is enough de- reminder that all student property is at risk mand some form of locked storage may ^ECYCL from theft on or off campus. be considered, if you are interested then Write to A.Watling in the security office. Coi and mile GODtla To reiterate the advice from the security Security in the halls of residence is simply office concerning cycles and motor a matter of ensuring that rooms are Jesus said " Unless a man is Bom-again cycles. locked, even if you are just going into the L AIways immobilise the vehicle K.U.B. many thefts from rooms occur he cannot see the Kiogdom of GOD." 2. If possible fix it to something perma- while the occupants are still in the build- nent ing. There are no K.U.B .s on campus from which you can ensure the security of 3. Remove Hghts, pumps etc. from your room.The first line of security in cycles halls on campus is of course the front It is a good idea that you keep a record of door, ensure that people coming through the make, frame or châssis number and at it, should be. in the Library Restaurant least a good description of the vehicle. The général message for all property is Lock It Or Loose It Paul 27th January 1995 15 Battie of the Sexes (the controversy continues)

e men often have no idea what dundant as protectors, our typical cen- ail the time and when we reach middle role we should take; the turies-old role. Women are held by some age, when our hair is almost gone and our trouble for us men comes lo be smarter than men, more caring than stoinach is larger than the most pregnant when women have no idea men, more able than men; it has been woman we have ever known, we often W generally acknowledged that they often stand up and, if you listen carefully, you what they want from us either. An interesting comment from a very liberal do what were previously 'our' jobs better, can hear our shattered dreams tinkle to the woman at a New Year's Eve bunfight I more efficiently, more harmoniously and fioor like broken glass. went to (she insisted she give me her sometimes more thoroughly. Men have I don' t know where we men are headed; I number and she was only looking for sex, long been in thrall to, and frustrated by, look forward with as much interest as the not commitment or any sort of women's natiu'al no wer (^at's partly why next man and woman to the whole mess relationship other than a sexual one sorting itself out Will we men come to naturally I took it; noblesse obligé) was terms with the trend towards the equal that she hated the fact that men, because sharing of what has historically been our of the quest to be a so-called New Man and economic powerbase? Will we get pissed the rise of Politicai Correctness, had off about losing this power and take out become doormats - wimps unable to our frustration and anger on women? Will have a good veibal fight with a woman for we get pissed off about losing this power .fear of invoking cries of 'Chauvinist, and take out our frustration and anger on J bigot, misogynist, etc.' from her. This ethnie minorities or groups less able to woman only wanted a man who would protect themselves? Will women con- stand up for himself against her, give her tinue the trend towards deliberate single boundaries so that she couldn't have her parenting? Will the economic cycle of own way all the time (which is boring). male redundancy halt/reverse? Will men Her difficulty was that she could only leani to stop putting women onto pede- extremely riu-ely find such desirable men stals and start leaming to let them make and when she did (and subsequently feil their own mistakes, without üying to pro- in love) they inevitably tumed out to be tect them as if they were fragile pelais or complete and utter bastards. Does anyone trip them up as if they were a threat? Will else remember the 'men are either men find a role for themselves in this new bastards or wimps' jokes of a few years world Order? Answers on a postcard... ago? women get beaten up and raped,bu t that's a sad Story for another day). I'm with To end, a Test-Your-Sense-Of-Hu- Have we, as maies, given up fighting for Garrison lüeilor when he says that, as far mour/How-Politically-Correct-Should-I our rights? Why did we maies not shriek as he is concemed, women can have all -Be/Am-I-Taking-Life-Too-Seriously en masse about the blatant sexism of the the power, have all the responsibilities. joke. The late, great Bill Hicks on 'Letter- Women Only fuckerwear party in the Let US blokes be the free-ranging, cre- man' once. "l've learnt a lot about Union? Would we be able to hold a Men ative, foolish, enterprising, spectacularly women; I think l've leamt how the fall of Only Night there? Are we too apathetic, dumb forest créatures that we are. And we Man occurred in the Garden of Eden. too macho, too scared of not being Friend are spectacularly dumb. Honestly, I Adam and Eve were together in the Gar- of Women, or just simply humouring kiiow you find it hard to believe. But do den and one day Adam said, 'Weil, here women when we let pass without com- you think women would work hard for we are, at one with Nature, at one with I ment the fact that there are no maie équi- twenty years, have a mid-life crisis, then God, we'Il never age, we'll never die, and valents to the Women's Officer and run off with a cocktail waiter half their ail our dreams come true the instant that Women's Group on campus? I remember age? However, we seem to have more we have them'. Dave Smithee mentioning it in an article than Our fair share of invenüveness in us, in this very paper, but no-one else seems we are creative and poetic and prepared to And Eve said, 'Yeah, ... it's just not to have voiced a concern. Men are redun- risk all for the love of a woman or a sure enough, is it?'" dant, simple as that. We are redundant as thing at Kempton; we have these big Lee Hopkins a sexual partner, we are redundant as an dreams that follow us around in our heads economic unit of production, we are re- Wind Band Lifestyle Day everal things to say this week. Firstly, we have won s the start of the new year fades from memory, perhaps now the battle for rehearsal space. We have been granted is a good time to refresh yourminds of ali those new year's TB19 on Wednesdays at 6.45. Thanks to ev^one resolutions you made on the stroke of midnight If you are Swho made this possible. Secondly, apologies to already flagging on giving up smoking or the diet has gone everyone who didn't know this and turaed up on Monday. A out of the window, then regain the enthusiasm to fulfil the The article I wrote for Bare Facts did not appear. resolutions by joining a number of experts in the Lecture Theatre Concourse next Thursday February 2nd from I2am - 3pm. Thirdly, commendation for initiative awarded to the person who put up posters in blue ink for the band on Mondays, Over the course of the day there will be an exhibition to provide please see me so I can borrow your talent infonnation and opportunities to improve your health and your Finally the next meeting is on Wednesday Ist February in lifestyle. You can discuss how to improve the way you look, how TB19 at 6.45pm. Come along and see our new conductor. you feel, what you eat aiid what exercise you take. There will be plenty of fun and games and there is even a compétition to pit yoiu" Reynard Speiss wits against So come and join us, a few simple steps may hnprove Publicity Officer your lifestyle beyond belief! 16 Bare Facts <=> Karl, are you sure you've seen To the Pink Puma Girlie, I miss you O Cazaar - Got it in at last! Hazaar ALL the photos? Nie Tuesday lunchtimes in the gym! - i ou Andy W. What H^pened to the good- ^ Antonia - the star of house were inspirational. night kiss? (Sunday) 47, Well done!!! Love Iqi. O James "Mirror, Mirror on the Nicola,canlhaveaWerther'sOriginal ^ Anne Walshe and Andrea wall...Which spot is the pusiest of please - for my Grandad! Bates - the Original Bros- them air I Don't Believe It! Another three settes Little Dave - We hope you enjoyed stokes of the birch for yellow cap 3 ! Frances - Congratulations on your date with the toilet on Saturday O Seductress: Which one should you the engagement. From the night! ! Thanks to Security for rescuing choose? Have them all I say!! iJet's 41a'g^'! him!! Lots of Love Tillingboume have some iiin! |=> Nibs - Your secret is safe Helen - "Physics Worid" - When's the "O Live imd Exclusive on SKY on Mon- with us - oris it?...Watch this next 'Baps out for all!' then? W-e-e- day. Wolves will win!!! space!!! ey!!! ^ Jo "Is Zebedee kicking yet?" O'BOB', Happy (belated) <=> Boyd: Remember what your'e not am- Helen -1 want to suck your blood - Birthday. Love Liz, Tim, mentio do! - L Yum Yum Yum - love from BIRDY Tess and Simon xxx ^ Ha^r! Life's a bitch when gossip is BIRDS! O Becky A has yellow tits, but fruitless?! But hey, it's good to talk. Dave...Stuart...Are you there? I'm she doesn't have a garden... 'Sam Fowler (maths final), no more stuck in the toilet. Help!!! Get Se- tO C, What do you think of Par- tarting for you young lady!! Congrats curity ! ! ! 5 hours later, argh thanks I'm sley's new friend to maul? A on your engagement free!! What an ordeal. We love you - Mole2,sorry about tlie pos- O Has Mandy B. had a Brucey Bonus thanks for the entertainment. Love ters Yet? Tillingboume Mark, how's your melon! Torben Anderson - I never doubted Nikki bites and leaves terrible marks! It's about this long and you when Supersonic John questioned (I just thought everybody should grows when you squeeze your sexuality, but wasn't the Babe know) Dumb American g 1L..RIP snaky you got off wilii at Bo's called Maik? Jono, how's the foot cramp??? % •O Mr Dominic Thomas would Could it be Magic..? From Techno- O James and Jason - Who's winning the be delighted to announce head competition? that wallung women home is ^ Nicola, what you done to Craig? c> Besos Besos Besos - Lisa his forte. He's done it before. Andhe's '=> Jason/James: You'll never pull 'cos O Chris, thanks v.v.v. much for all your still good at iL you're both so fat and ugly! help (+ practicals) you're a star! Love ?? Heidi -1 love you- S Sarah...llrgh...Diamonds are red, sap- O Mork - I'm puttin' on my top Watch out Sarah!!! Your partner has phires are blue! Cheers mate, I owe hat..Mindy bronze and silver medals! (in ballroom you one!! James! Thanx for listening...you know dancing that is...) M.B.-watchB.A.'skneewhenhaving where I am, love Bob. ^ CORY - I'll start stacking shelves the a B.B. - from those that know. <0 Phil "Does it always look like that same time you start polishing cutlery. To my partner, all I want's a try be- when you shave?" Heather It's good to be back, Kamran. tween your posts. Love Andy, Joanna, R,C,LBE+A-despitewhatrmdoing O K - Looks like you' re taking a year out Sam. I love you all more than the world. then doesn't it??!! Gkid you're better Eir, thanks for giving me my first!! M Helen C - She would if she could, but now.C Al - The war will continue eventually. she Caunter. Ho. Ho. O Cheerleader, it's high noon on my sun- I promise! - Love and kisses - The Will Joy's Tea Bags survive • The Re- dial & that means time for sexual Seductress xxx turn of the P!!! Love ?? aerobics - love Ben '=> Sorry Paul, I missed you the seventh SHC you miserable sad b'tard, don't <=> Have you asked her majesty out yet? time, how much did you drink last hesitate to join us. Those letters were a bit of faux pas! week. Luv House Rep - 3 Hamilton ^ Hello, how are you? Sorry about last O Batfink - hang in there! Love Seduc- Close night!! tress XX O K, Glad to have you back. We missed <=> Tom - Here's a personal for you! A á To the 4 chosen ones who shall live you. Just put the water bottle on your ^ If you suffer a BLOWOUT you knowl together, from wrist slapper x belly. Love T, J and W. you've been NAILED! Mind you it's Smurfette - cum to snuggleflump!! HANDS OFF the man in the apron, hard in the premier league! ! ! ^ Sorry Ellen. Myn jachtinstinct is nog he's mine!! To the secret Delamiti Jan, you can niet zo goed ontwikkeld. Ik zai vol- Nik, Meals, Pooh - Sure, I'll get you play with my toy car anytime! ! gende keer beter opletten Pauli. crisps, but Cindys, Champagne, danc- Has Mandy Bufton managed to get a Happy Birthday Clare! Hope you have ing, swimming rivers, stiirdiving, etc Brucey Bonus yet? a good one! Love Caroline and Lor- seemed like fun at the time. It's all MY Siobhan - Congratulations on becom- raine. FAULT (NOT!) - Baalialiali ing Pope - your Disciples tO SHC Wardens L and C we love you. Fiona "Have you got any new addition- Debbie - What do handcuffs and Piz- <=> Hey Blokie - You are a twonk - love s to your famous wardrobe collection" zaland have in Common?!? Honey Bunch x cO Captain America - Love that skirt You may find him sexual, you may O Bob, Congratulations on your 3rd first oooh, er! Love Claire xx want to share a room with him and may You're so intelligent?! El A - Parsley made an excellent choice I do so, but you're engaged to scuneone ^ Quote: "I've got a 22 year old boy- think!! C else! Contact Davie "To obtain" free of friend with a dick the size of a tree ^ If this carries on much longer I may trunk". You know who you are Big germs "his recent publication on a 101 ways to use a wet wipe" have to lower my standards! Boy. O Send 24-32: Return Neil's mug or O Wonderwomen: Thanks for the loan of C!aptain America: Get your legs out for the girls, on Friday, Good Luck trap- you'll all get it the clothes and make-up session. Re- Dave, what about the other three member: you can't write the cards yet! ping the men!! ^ Tim you homy beast, I'd love to have ^NAS ana AMUE, the big TT digits??? you in my shower, from Lorraine, 62 fans...NOT! O SPACE CADET: There's a leach on Uni Ct o Surely only blokes should wear Won- your tail, I say we vapourise it - SDC- derbras to the Drag Disco • TIES BABE Julm, Has it come through your nose Seductress: It may well be war but at before? O Kerren (1st yr nutrition) Not Scottish enough for you eh!? You should try my the moment it looks like no contest! haggis!! Dcssie Rach, when are you cooking for us? 27th January 1995 17 <=> Bob,doyouwantallthepersonals2/08 Anne *hump-a-Iot' Walshe, how did ^ Seductress: You will NEVER get me ^ Dave "Wet Wipe" Emery - thanks a lot you put your shoulder out? (Does to apologise, I know I was wrong but I M.B. - watch B.A.'s knee when you Jason know about your Bros duvet dont care! But if you feel its worth- have a B.B - from those that know. cover?) while DO YOUR WORST! ! ! ! ! ! •=> Wanted; 2 caring, sensitive men with ^ Karen - HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Love Karl this is just the beginning, remem- big knobs for a sixties chic & a space House 47 xxx ber agony? cadeL Karl you had better be careful what you ^ Kate (Bush!) Which would you prefer O Nicola, Ginger beards! ! ! say in the bath in future! ! - A famous five ambush or Noel Ed- To Rabbit Jimmy - Tve heard Lorraine O Darren, Thanks for everything from munds?!!? is interested in wildlife - will she Oscar & friends. O Clara - Has Justin written again? Amy examine your carrot? You wish. Love O R.G., love is in the air, or is it lust? (at home) has given up on him - so he's from Madden*s All Stars ^ Walking in a straight line, can it be all yours!!??! c> Claire, no more Cindies, no more beer done? O Karl, getting paranoid yet...? House 2 -nomore fun!! ^ Ride Barry Ride!! "To all me mates at house 44...thanx Dave "What was it...pull and Jo "How many people do you ^t in for a great birthday...love you squeeze?" Sarah your Guildford Court Room?" From all...SABU" NicHweknowyou'renotabadperson the man from below. •O A Little Porker desperately wants really ^ Quote: "I've got army-haiipits" - SJB Layla, but is just too shy to ask •=> Steve: Who are you calling dizzy? How fascinating. P.S. What do you get ^ Tlie House 40 DIRTY MINDS CLUB from Lorraine if you cross a treacle tart with a tree is seeking more people with grudges ^ Clare S: I'll win toni^t - as well as tnink. Answer Mickey, The Chicky of for long nights ot suffering the conse- feminine eyelashes he s çot drop dead course. quences gorgeous legs: ask Lorraine I saw flying potatoes on S^urday you O To Mr and Mrs Ellis, Cathedral Ct •=> Debbie - Did you really skid on your know!! wardens, congratulations on the new breasts in Téseos?!! ^ Pauli, 2 drowned cats, 2 insulted Dutch addition to your family. tO Nadine, when was the last time you've men and a rude BR salesman. What a O Room to let in House 40. Occupant washed your hair? El gre^ time we had last Saturday. EI rarelv there. Full use of TV and 2 To Percy, all my love and support. Lots O I'm absolutely disgusted that Dominic (two??!!) stereos. Low rent of love Gerbil!'(xx) Thomas has been receiving so much Birthday Girl: Remember silence is ^ Anne Marie, gefeliciteerd met je derde attention. Who does he think he is? folden, but it doesn't help you get your ^ She's only allegedly OJ's sister..JFor utorial done. And I need a hand on "first"!! Pauli Saturday. ^ Neil has left TESCO. Congratulate Christ's Sake Crew.' him on ec31np - JD ^ Giri - Watch out!!! R.Q.D. <=> Dogballs, It's about time you made an ^ To Cupcake, yellowtits and blowjob. Irish connection. Take your pick as Thanks for all the help and support! tbey all want you! Love you loads, squeaky beds xxx To everyone I missed at the Dinner Dave - As we're cutting your hair for Bare Facts Dance, sorry. Can we try again at the money how much for pulling the hairs Charter Ball? Kamran out your armpits?!! needs you! Young? Nubile? Frantic? Ugly? Des- O Iqi - So when are you cooking me perate/ If this sounds like you then dinner?!!! Cory! Meetings are Mondays don't worry. IDominic Thomas Esq. O (jet your yellowtits out for the lads and Thursdays at 7pni in may weU be able to help you. Becl^ A! Nicky G, Where do you üke your ket- c> What do you pull hard on K? the Communications chup? Qu'est-ce que tu en penses - diner á Office. Come along and <=> "Of course I know what fishnet tights deux ce weekend? look like, I've worn them." Quote DW O Qare what were you doing with your join the fun. (And get to Mole 2 head in Craig's lap? read the personals before To Tigger, Put that toothpaste down or '=> Hugh "Will you many me?" Honora. anyone else!) I'll set thing (»1 you. ^ A-Is Safari Sam getting jealous?! !!C Vic 'Hamster-hair'. So what did h^ ^ Kittley-KitOff,afterallitisyour21sL pen to you and Afam upstairs at Cin- Have a good one. Love your fellow dies? french sleepy sufferers!! Bracken - so you're staying in tonight Dave - you haven't got a wet wipe we with a good Hue, Bue, Bue, Bue - could borrow have you?! Sicko! RIFLE CLUB AGM, on Wednesday 1 st February, at please contact Beccy Jones on (0483) 571471 or Kathy McGuire 5.30iHn in Chancellors. on extension 4739. ROCK CLUB AGM, on Thursday 2nd February ANIMAL WELFARE SOC and ANTI-BLOODS PORTS (week 4), at 6pm in TB11. Members please attend. SOC AGM, both on Tuesday 31st January, at 7.30pm in the SQUASH AGM, on Wednesday Ist February (week Nelson Mandela Room. 4), at 12pm in the Nelson Mandela Room. CHRISTIAN UNION AGM, on Monday 30th January (week MOUNTAINEERING CLUB EGM, on Wednesday 4), at 6.30pm in LTB. 1st February (week 4), at 2pm at the climbing wall. BALLROOM DANCING SOCIETY EGM, on Wednesday THE GILBERT AND SULLIVAN SOCIETY is 8th February (week 5) in TBIO at 7.30pm. To be followed by urgently seeking three MALE ACTORS (they don't lesson as normal. n^ to sing!) to play the parts of LtShrank, Officer GAMES SOC GM, on Sunday 29th January, LTA at 2pm. This Knipke and Doc in their forthcoming production of is for anybody wanting to take part in Live Role Playing and/or West Side Stnry. The parts are not big, but they are wishing to buy a Society T-shirt. important LtShrank and Doc need to be 'mature' EXCHANGES WITH THE USA MEETING , in TBIO on gents, and Krupke can be any age. FOT further details. Febraury the 1st at 1.30 pm. 18 Bare Facts DEE TOUR 94/95 On Friday 13th 13 members of GUILDFORD the canoe club set off for Llangollen for whi^ (»ntrary to the date and number going, FLAMES had all the markings of an excellent weekend of white water canoeing. Ice Hockey Club Early(ish) S^urday mcxming the group headed into Llangollen centre to get our access tags and lo(^ at the Town Falls which were to be shot later in the day. Driving upstream to the place we were COMPETITION putting into the riv^ the number of other paddlers that had gone for one of the only three weekends the river is open became This week we have two more pairs of tickets for the game against apparent, there were canoeists at ev^ Bellingham Bombers. To enter the competition just write your pl^ there was some white water. answer down on a piece of paper along with your name and The first part of the route downstream was union card number. reasonably quiet with just a little white watCT for people to play in, but as it got You must be at the GM on Tuesday at Ipm further cm there were more rapids and the to claim your prize. adrenalin really got going. There werei only a few people who went in for a swimt but the water wasn't really cold at all even when travelling badcwards through a two foot stopper as was demonstrated by the This weeks 'very hard' question: secretaiy. When we got to the Serpents Tail (I think the name says it all!) the less experienced took a convenient canal to In football a kick off starts piay; so what the bottom while the rest wbo could starts the play in an ice hockey match? paddle, did and damn quickly which is the only way to get through apparently. An- other mile or so downstream and it was time for the Town Falls. Again the less experienced got out before the rapid and Tickets are available for all matches at £2.50 (including student went to the l^dge to watch as the others discount) for all of you unlucky enough to LOSE!! went through and on to the pick point. With a good day's paddling behind, the The Flames Hotline is 0891 800 689 group retired to a pub for a decent meal and a few beers. Calls cost 39p per minute cheap rate, 49p at other times The next day not as many people went paddling but those who did enjoyed an- other fine days weather an good paddling. All-in-all a very good weekend's cano- eing. I Anyone interested in joining the canoe club can contact us through the pigeon Shock, Horror Surrey hole in the Union foyo*. Cricket Win! LRalphs (sec) It's 1981 all over again n what can only be described as an epic to rival the days of Botham and Willis in late 1981 Ashes series, Surrey University indoor cricket team take their group by storm. Playing Reading in the regional final the hostile opening bowlers Darrun and Simon crated carnage as Reading slumped to 40-3 ^ter 6 overs. Dom and IYan aft^ a nervous start finally got tíirougb the Reading rabbits U) leave Surrey 78 to win. Cavalier opening batsmen Robbie and Mat set the pace without loss before both falling within a few balls of each other. Was this to be another Surrey collapse? No! Young Yan aided by bis mentor and c^tain Dc»n steered Surrey home to victory without further loss. COORS Man of the mmch: Darrun (by cme vote! ). The semi-final awaits a team in deep shock. 27th January 1995 19 Surrey What ever happened Stingers in the BUSA? ast term it was quite normal to see 280 students in suits either making their way over to the Varsity Centre or trying to shelter from the rain outside the he Surrey Stingers American bank whilst wfdting for the coaches to take them to a Wednesday aftemoon of Football squad hope that by L sporting activity. re-organising their coaching staff, they will be able to find that The BUSA competition on a Wednesday aftemoon has become a long standing T tradition, where 32 teams from Surrey compete against^ 32 teams from another elusive win in their inaugural season within the British Collegiate American University. Once the games were over the students then proceeded to drink and sing Football League. Chris Pye has stood with the feeling that even if they were beaten at sport Surrey knew how to enjoy down from the player/Headcoach themselves. position and will now concentrate purely This year Surrey University was moved into another group because of our location, on the Offensive side of the team. He will unfortunately the new group left us with some of the toughest competition we have also take up the new title of General had in quite a few years. The teams in the group were; Reading, Brunei, West London Manager, in order to improve on the Institute, TTiames Valley and Portsmouth. From these six teams three qualified to the already professional running of the team. first round play-offs in each sport. One of Pye's aims is to land a large sponsor for the Guildford based Despite the increase in the standard of competition Surrey emerged with twelve teams University side for the 1995/6 season. qualifying for the next round. The field sports felt the effect of the change in group more than others, but we have no doubt that the Plate competition will prove successful 'he new Headcoach as from Sunday 22nd for them. rJanuary 1995 is Pete Vaughan, who was originally installed as the special teams Womens Badminton, Womens Basketball coach. Vaughan's experience of the game Womens Fencing, Mens Fencing with the Woking Generals back in the late Womens Football, Golf 1980s has proved so valuable, he is an Womens Squash, Mens Squash 1st asset to the Stingers' rookie nature. Vaug- Womens Tennis, Mens Tennis han, 24 a landscape gardener by pro- fession, never really thought about Womens Volleyball, Mens Volleyball coaching until the Stingers were formed. Last term ten out of these teams played their first round matches, the ladies basketball Plans are under way to install a new play- team won convincingly against Greenwich. The mens first team squash followed their book in time for their second season based usual trend and gained a 4-1 victory over Southampton Institute and womens squash on the successful Generals team. qualified to the next round through a bye. Also both the mens and womens volleyball The other coaches now confirmed with qualified. the squad are Gus Vasquez (Secondary) Both golf and womens fencing are still waiting to play their first round games, so good and Dave Harris (Line). General Manager luck. Congratulations and good luck also to all the teams who made it into the next Pye has had a number of coaches inter- round. For all those who didn't qualify or make it past the first playoff round the Plate ested in helping the team, including ex competition will start on either the 1st or the 8th of February, the date has yet to be London Monarch Todd Oberdorf, who finalised. Good luck to everyone. I would like to üiank all of the Students who took unfortunately is now living in the States. part and in particular the Campusport, Varsity Centre staff and the Garden Kitchen for "It has been tough to decide exactly what helping all the home games run so smoothly. is best for the good of the team when it Jackie I comes to the coaching side, however I feel we now have four coaches who are with the team for the correct reasons. We are not here for our own benefit, we want the Water Polo Match Report guys in the team to play a sport that they want to. We want them to have fun, and Following the disappointment of having to forfeit the play-off championships at to enjoy playing. We want another sports Sheffield the Satanists started the new term with a vengeance, scoring a team the people of Guildford will be convincing victory over Hertfordshire University. The game started slowly and proud of." in the first two quarters the game remained even between the two teams. In the final quarters the Satanists made their mark however, demonstratíng their prolonged The Stingers have three remaining games stamina and notching up an ever inaeasing lead. Credit to player Jori Dunn for the in the 1994/5 season, they are:- Home to many techniques he displayed in missing shots (hence cod of the match). He shot many Reading (29th Jan), away to Cambridge times but couldn't quite get it in - he blamed his rubbers for being too tight. However, (5th Feb) and away to Hertfordshire (12th he did perform admirably in the beer drinking. A sterling performance was made by Feb). Andy "Jon Jensen" Hartley who scored his debut goal for the club after two years. Tassos managed to turn his defender numerous times, and he shot well on the follow Chris Pye through to score frequently. Alexi Philhipenis displayed superb ball handling to completely stuff the goalkeeper. He was only thankful that his mbbers did not split. Hiking Oub Nick managed to shoot his a long way and got it in everytime. All in all ân enjoyable game. Sunday Walk

Meet 10 am outside Union FINAL SCORE: University of Surrey 14, Hertfordshire University 7 Building GOALS: Surrey - Alexi 6, Tassos 3, Nick 2, Jon Dunn 2, Andy Hartley 1 Pub Lunch Hertfordshire - Peter Enis 2, William Anchor 1, Ivor Syphilis 1, Francis Uckwit 3 Train Journey to Dorking MAN OF THE MATCH: Andy Hartley Barefòcts SPORT Stingers Talee a Long Mud Batti

Surrey Stingers 0-20 Bristol BuUets ast Sunday tfae Surrey Stingers Am^can Football team kicked off the second half of the BCAFL season with detennined efifort The game could bave been called the L' Mud Bowl n' due to the waterlogged nature of the pitch. Unfortunately the 225 mile round trip to Bristol proved to be dis^pointing with yet another loss, and the team stili searching for a win. The game started well for the Stingers with a 14 play drive that mov^ the team over 40 yards towards the endzone and apossible 6 points. Although a fumble ended that drive, the team had regained confidence. The mud battle continued for the rest of the half without eith«- team scoring a point As the ground condition worsened, so did the weather, with dnving rain to contend with, the injury stricken Stingers were trying harder to clock up their fìrst victory. Anotho^ quarter passed without a score. The game entered the last ten minutes, Surrey were suffering from fatigue, coldness and the three inches of mud. Then the inevitable happened, the Bristol Bullets soHed a touchdown, üieir first of the season. Instead of trying to even the score, the Sturey players were thinking of what almost was, and Bristol look advantage to scok another touchdown, making the score 12-0 with only a couple of minutes remaining. For some of the Surrey players that was the end and before they knew it BnsK)l made it 20^, leaving Surrey cold, wet and in search of the bar, via the showers! Newly appointed headco^h Pete Vaughan was impressed with the effort sbown by the Surrey playos considering the weather conditions. "TTie players put in 110% for the majority of the game, but fatigue crept up us in the 4th quarter, which is where we lost it We curr^tly have nine on the injurél list and some of our players played the whole game without a break, which is tough in nmnal circumstances, let alone in the mud, wind and rain we faced in this match." When questicmed on the future of the club, Vaughan stated:- "We have a lot of re-building to do. The team has a number of people out for the rest of the season and although there are three matches left this season, we are already looking ah^ to the autumn and a more positive attack at the BCAFL. Chris Pye is now concentrating on the day to day mnning of the team in entier to improve our image both with the students at the University and with the general public." otocopying There isn't a bett» way to promote the sport, than the FA Cup final of GridinHi...The Superbowl this coming Sunday. The Stingers have called their last home match of the seascxi ' the alternative Supeitowl'. Their opposition are Reading Knights, a team who narrowly beat Surrey back in November, Kick Off is at 1 lam at the Varsity Centre. In the evening you will get chance to watch the real thing live and Television & Audio direct in the Lower Bar with the Surrey Stingers and USSU Éits. Entry wìll cost a quid, with the chance to win money during the match based ^ction SertfiSgs^ on the score, llie evening is being brought to you the fans by Bud- wieser. Tbere will be a promo on Bud, as well as goodies to be won, (exicmal atxtoincrs wèlcòìnedl including Superbowl XXIX merchandise. Don't watch the game m your room, come and w^ch it with us and University of Suirey. get a rea] party atmosphère!!! iiOpildlbrd. Sum-y. GÜ2 5XH. Chris Pye