PO Box 42129, LA, CA 90042 www.razorcake.com #20 slow down a bit. It didn’t. We walked through the slight drizzle and :07 AM, approximately, Austin, Texas time. The phone saw a line, four people wide and a block long, for the show we just rings. It is not my house, and the phone is in a locked room. left. We passed Beerland. That was our fatal flaw. Mere yards away “Hi, this is Randal of Beerland. I have one Reverend Nørb was an almost silent, probably chunky, call for help. Clouded 22 judgement and brains pickled with two-dollar Lone Stars tallboys passed out here, looking for a ride home. Someone has duct taped a Briefs’ seven-inch to the front of his Good-n-Plenty pajamas as a prevented us from rescuing a friend. bribe, but there aren’t any takers. Please pick up the phone.” Toby and I took a taxi (a one in two hundred chance. It was I felt a pang of remorse, and I still feel bad. I’d left a soldier out Chris, the drummer for J-Church. Go figure.) to Ben Snakepit’s on the battlefield, barely armed. I’d failed in my duty. Usually, I’m home. the guy throwing up and passing out, wondering where my socks Two hours later, Nørb was a wastrel, passing out on the curb have gone off to, and looking at the bib of not-so-dried puke down outside Beerland, our unofficial home away from home. It had just my shirt. Unofficially, I was “the responsible one.” closed for the night. They pulled him inside. “Where are you Here is what I was aware of at that time. Twelve hours of staying?” Nørb shrugged. “Who are you staying with?” Nørb drinking is a fickle mistress. She can either be fireworks: a fast- shrugged. They went through a litany of names. A lightbulb moving and blinding light of fun or she can be long decline until, flickered. “Ben and Ben and Nick’s. That’s right, my good man!” he suddenly, she pops your batteries out. And there’s nothing you can proclaimed, one finger on his nose, another finger pointing directly do about it. at the person talking to him. A phonebook was pulled out and last Earlier that night, to my left was Toby, sitting on the bleachers at names were yanked out of thin air. That’s when the phone in the Emo’s, surrounded by people. He was nodding off, but always locked room started ringing. The message was left. correcting himself upright before falling all the way over. Toby had There’s so little time to celebrate when you work so hard. fought the warrior’s fight, but the “Did we really do Jaeger shots? I Toby’s an EMT. He’d driven the thirteen-plus hours from Atlanta. don’t remember that at all” had pounced upon him. I was marginally Nørb had to time jockey his work just to get the days off. I put in an better. All that saved me was a pounding headache. It pared back my average of sixty hours a week on this magazine that, at best, breaks drinking a bit. even. Stops have to be pulled out. Brains need to be drained, even if Against Me! played a great set, as did Dillinger Four. What I money is scarce. You’ve got to steal that time. And you know what remember was partial male nudity and Paddy testing the limits of his the best part is? It’s no secret. Hanging out with friends, old and First Amendment rights in front of a packed audience. It was South new. Sharing stories, kicking back beers, watching music and getting by Southwest. Someone gave me the stupidest beer cozy. It failed on spastic and knowing, in the back of your brain, that if you’re left in a two levels. It didn’t keep my beer cold and it looked like a long- gutter and you haven’t been a dick, the chances increase that sleeved t-shirt that a dumbass would wear. someone friendly might just come along and pick you up. I rousted up a very apologetic Toby and went for a walk to get Contrary to popular belief, decency has its rewards. the juices flowing in the hope that the whirlpool in his head would –Todd AD DEADLINE FOR ISSUE #21 ADVERTISING STIPULATIONS June 1st, 2004 • We now accept electronic ads. Email for AD DEADLINE FOR ISSUE #22 details. August 1st, 2004 • Make ads the right size and orientation. • All ads are black and white. EMAIL OR MAIL US • We don’t reserve ad space. FOR THE RATES AND DETAILS • Send good laser prints for the ads. Use solely black ink on all art. Do not print your ad out on AD SIZES a bubble jet printer • Full page, 7.5” wide, 10” tall. • All photos must be halftoned using a 85 LPI • Half page, 7.5” wide, 5” tall. (85 line screen). • Quarter page, 3.75” wide, 5” tall. • If we need to invoice you, we won’t run your • Sixth page, 2.5” wide, 5” tall. ad until we have the cash on hand, so make • Please make all checks out to Razorcake. those arrangements before the ad deadline. • So on, so forth. Yep.
Razorcake and razorcake.com could not have been finished without the invention of toilet paper or these folks: Sean Carswell, Todd Taylor, Josh Lane, Megan Pants, Skinny Dan, ktspin, and Felizon Vidad Individual opinions expressed within are not necessarily those of Razorcake/Gorsky, Inc. Sean
Razorcake is distributed by Big Top Newstand Services, 2729 Mission St., Ste.201, SF, CA 94110, [email protected]
Cover designed by Todd Congelliere (Toys That Kill, Recess Records honcho). Mike Wiebe, of the Riverboat Gamblers, Cover photo of Randy by Todd Taylor and a special friend, April. Thank you list: The raven screams nevermore thanks to Todd Cong. for designing the cover. Hope you’re in Europe when this comes out thanks to Julia Smut for her help with the cover. Baby cookie mortar attack thanks (with a karate chop to the throat appetizer) to Aphid Peewit and Paddy Costello for their Fuck Yeahs interview, and for Jimmy Fangs’ pictures and Life Sucks Die Wes for graphics help. Frilly underwear, screaming bearings, and lipsticked high elbows thanks to Wez Lundry for this rollerderby interview. It’s a complicated plastic turtle called life thanks to Bradley Williams for his Hasil Adkins interview and Mike Comer for the pictures. In the back of the library thanks to Greg Barbera for his zine reviews. Sleeping with the bowling trophy thanks to Speedway Randy for his DVD and record reviews. Electronic handshake thanks for Randy Iwata’s diligence with Nardwuar’s photos. Skulls in the pupils thanks to Rob Ruelas for the illustration in Dale’s column. That’s a tough one to draw thanks to Keith Rosson for his illustration in Jimmy’s column. Beerland uber alles thanks to Randal, Donya, Billy, and Ray. Road warrior decimation of southwestern towns thanks to Mike Faloon. How to make more enemies thanks to Jimmy Alvarado, Aphid Peewit, Bradley Williams, Donuthead, Liz O, Mike Beer, Puckett, and Wanda Sprag for their record reviews. You’re a lady in a mirror thanks to Tommy Wrenn for his illustration in Seth’s column. www.razorcake.com *• PO Box 42129, Los Angeles, CA 90042 "You've got to know the truth before you say that you've got pride." Issue #20, June/July 2004 -The Descendents, from the song "'Merican"
Designated Dale ...... I’m Against It ...... pg. 4 Art ...... Shizzville!! ...... pg. 7 Jim Ruland ...... Lazy Mick ...... pg. 8 Ayn Imperato...... 90803 ...... pg. 10 The Rhythm Chicken ...... The Dinghole Reports ...... pg. 12 Maddy ...... Shiftless When Idle ...... pg. 14 Gary Hornberger ...... Squeeze My Horn ...... pg. 16 Rich Mackin ...... The Twisted Balloon ...... pg. 18 Jimmy Alvarado...... I’m a Little Airplane ...... pg. 20 Seth Swaaley...... Swinging Door Conversations ...... pg. 24 Sean Carswell ...... A Monkey to Ride the Dog ...... pg. 26 Nardwuar The Human Serviette ..... Who Are You? ...... pg. 28 Rev. Nørb ...... Love, Nørb ...... pg. 32 Ben Snakepit ...... Snakepit ...... pg. 39 ***** Chrystaei Branchaw’s Photo Page ...... The Observers...... pg. 41 The Shemps ...... Interview by Todd Taylor and Petite Paquet ...... pg. 42 Fuck Yeahs ...... Interview by Aphid Peewit and Paddy Costello...... pg. 48 Hasil Adkins, Part II ...... Interview by Bradley Williams ...... pg. 54 Randy ...... Interview by Sean Carswell and Todd Taylor ...... pg. 60 Punk Rock Roller Derby ...... Interview by Wez Lundry ...... pg. 68 Dan Monick’s Photo Page ...... Fine Line, Big Difference ...... pg. 75 ***** Record Reviews ...... Drinking Beer Naked in the Front Yard ...... pg. 76 Zine Reviews ...... Various Burial Options ...... pg. 105 Book Reviews ...... Such Bold Moves! ...... pg. 108 Video Reviews ..... They Would Rather Be Fisting Each Other ...... pg. 110 Razorcake is bi-monthly. Issues are $3.00 ppd. in the US. Yearly subscriptions (six issues) are $15.00 bulk rate or $21.00 first class mail. Plus you get some free shit. These prices are only valid for people who live in the US and are not in prison. Issues and subs are more for everyone else (because we have to pay more in postage). Write us and we’ll give you a price. Prisoners may receive free single issues of Razorcake solely via Left Bank Books, 92 Pike St., Seattle, WA 98101, who have a book-for-prisoners program. Want to distribute Razorcake in the United States? The minimum order is five issues. You have to prepay. For $7.50, you’ll receive five copies of the same issue, sent to you when we do our mailout to all of our distros, big and small. Email
It's been said that if Stern keeps up his anti-Bush drumbeat, he could have a greater impact on the presidential election than independent candidate Ralph Nader.
By now, I’m sure that a number series of events to follow, all the recently voted 391-22 to pass a bill knows he isn’t Moses! He just of you folks have heard about Clear focus on Janet Jackson was sudden- to increase indecency fines from played him in a movie, you dumb- Channel and their plans of banish- ly gone and it appears that Howard $27,000 to $500,000 – and the ass. ing (what they consider) not accept- Stern is in the crosshairs of this Senate may follow, the First Mays said the company will able practices that go on over the decency feeding frenzy. He was Amendment is literally at risk. institute a zero tolerance policy for airwaves, be it the radio or televi- recently suspended from six sta- “Congress shall make no law… pro- indecent content which will include sion stations they oversee. For those tions. No matter what you think of hibiting the free exercise thereof; or company-wide training and auto- not in the know, Clear Channel is an him, Howard Stern is one of the few abridging the freedom of speech, or matic suspensions for anyone who unbelievably huge media and adver- voices that has a chance of changing of the press,” the First Amendment the FCC alleges has violated inde- tising outfit whose fingers are up a Clear Channel’s policies because reads, but given that those hefty cency rules on the air. “If the FCC whole helluva lotta asses, economi- the truth is he is too big to just fines will be extended to licensees accuses us of wrongdoing by issu- cally speaking. But lately, the Clear ignore. and radio personalities alike (with a ing a proposed fine, we will take Channel fingers are turning into Now, I’m a Stern fan, but I’m cap of three million dollars a day) immediate action,” Mays said. “We quite an uncomfortable fist up the not one to tell you whose side to “free speech” could become will suspend the DJ in question, and regular American’s ass by self- rally on. So, in the mean time, here extremely expensive especially perform a swift investigation. If we appointing themselves as the decen- are some facts to keep in mind since “indecency,” it seems, is or the government ultimately deter- cy police. Pardon me, but if the while making your educated deci- whatever Señor Powell deems it to mine the offending broadcast is unbalanced jive the FCC pulls isn’t sion. Don’t say I never gave you be. indecent, the DJ will be terminated bad enough these days (and these anything, cocko. Dated February 25th of this without delay.” John Hogan, Chief fucks do play favorites), now we’ve Clear Channel was a major fac- year, Clear Channel released the Executive Officer of Clear Channel got a substantially large company in tor in putting George Bush in the following press release: “Clear Radio added, “If a DJ is found to be the mix dictating a “what’s what” of President’s chair, and it was Clear Channel today announced a strong in violation of FCC rules, there will decency on the airwaves. Sounds as Channel’s vice president Tom new ‘Responsible Broadcasting be no appeals and no intermediate if Clear Channel should put on Hicks, who helped make good ol’ Initiative’ to make sure the material steps. If they break the law by some of them old, familiar red arm- George Dubbaya a multimillionaire. aired by its radio stations conforms broadcasting indecent material, they bands and brush up on techniques of Questions about ethics have fol- to the standards and sensibilities of will not work for Clear Channel.” the Gestapo. lowed Clear Channel since it has the local communities they serve.” So, in a nutshell, if Clear Channel or Just what got all of this crazi- become quite a monopoly. Its 1,200 What happened to people in local the FCC ain’t having what a DJ has ness started? Some say it was Janet radio stations make up one out of communities making choices for got to say on the air, they’re toast. Jackson’s “accidental” boobage every ten in the United States and, themselves? Does anyone here in That’s a cool “with us or against us” shot with Justin Timberlake on the in the process, has put a lot of local the country actually need to be told attitude, guys. I thought the only halftime show broadcast of this past stations out of business. As corpora- to switch off a radio or television dictating going on here in the States Superbowl. (And I still say that shit tions such as Clear Channel have program because it’s deemed offen- is the dictating machine a secretary was a lame marketing ploy. Did you bought up local radio stations, they sive by a media giant, much less the uses for memos from their boss. see that thing covering her udder? If have swept out hometown program- government? If you answer yes, ask Sieg fucking heil. the film Excalibur was ever to have ming that tended to reflect regional them when it’s okay to go to the In addition, the company DESIGNATED DALE a burlesque scene in it, then that differences – or that, at the least, bathroom and wipe your ass while announced that all of its contracts medieval-looking Ninja throwing responded to local complaints – and you’re at it. with on-air performers are being star covering her blob was the pasty. imposed programming and person- “Clear Channel is serious about modified to ensure that DJs share “Accidental”… hmm… about as alities with no connection to the helping address the rising tide of financial responsibility if they utter “accidental” as her brother Michael community. How can a huge com- indecency on the airwaves,” said indecent material on the air. “From being “naturally light-skinned” pany that spans the entire continent Mark Mays, President and Chief now on, every contract that Clear these past years… pah-leeze.) know exactly what community stan- Operating Officer of Clear Channel Channel enters into with on-air tal- An estimated 90 million people dards are? If there is only one voice, Communications. “As broadcast ent will include this provision,” said watched the Nipplegate half time dictated by the governing body, run licensees, we are fully responsible Hogan. “While that won’t relieve show and the Federal by a monopoly, that is a very shitty for what our stations air, and we Clear Channel from our responsibil- Communications Commission place to be in for freedom of speech. intend to make sure all our DJs and ity as a broadcast licensee, we (FCC) received 500,000 com- A “freedom” that no one can afford programmers understand what is believe it will have a significant plaints. Congress took note, amend- to have, if they’re not in Clear and what is not appropriate on Clear deterrent effect on indecent con- ing existing bills to increase inde- Channel’s “pocket.” Channel radio shows.” Check it out, tent.” Let me try to get this straight cency fines dramatically. In As far as the FCC is concerned, Mays – you and your Clear Channel – Clear Channel is saying that they response, Clear Channel, which how about this: Colin Powell’s son crew need to stop wringing your can fire and get a so-called offend- operates more than 1,200 radio sta- Michael Powell runs the FCC, and hands and deal with the fact that ing DJ to share a FCC fine? What a tions, adopted a code of conduct in the wake of our apparent need for you ain’t Moses, okay? No beard. wonderful way for Clear Channel to called the “Responsible decency guidelines created the No burning bush. No stones. No Ten say that their employees are readily Broadcasting Initiative.” Whatever Broadcast Decency Enforcement Commandments. No shit. Hell, expendable and unwillingly stuck spring-boarded the Act of 2004. Given that the House even the wacky Charleton Heston helping foot the bill for something 4 they shouldn’t be in debt for to say you do, then let them be. Laws February 25th (later on that same like Stern’s unfit to broadcast on begin with. Nice. set boundaries, not business, day the other press release regard- the stations they own, they go and Reiterating its call for a although it’s funny how often the ing their new initiative was pull it off the air because Clear “Decency Task Force,” Clear boundary line tends to blur with big released): “Clear Channel Radio Channel was trying to “protect its Channel also has volunteered to brother and money. has suspended the broadcast of listeners from indecent content”? fully participate with other repre- In the end, we’re left with no Viacom’s Howard Stern show, con- Later, when Clear Channel presi- sentatives of the broadcast, cable clear understanding of just what is sistent with its Responsible dent John Hogan appeared before and satellite industries to develop an “indecent” and worse yet, it seems Broadcasting Initiative announced members of the House Committee industry-wide response to indecen- we will only find out when huge earlier today. After assessing the on Energy and Commerce, he open- cy and violence in the media. (It fines are levied on broadcasters or content of yesterday’s Howard ly admitted that though Stern had sounds like somebody’s looking for speakers. It’s been said that if Stern Stern show, Clear Channel worked not committed any fresh sins. The allies. Didn’t Germany try doing keeps up his anti-Bush drumbeat, he with local market managers to take company decided to drop him any- that with Japan in the 1940s?) “In could have a greater impact on the swift and decisive action.” John way. Howard Stern was brought up our view, industry-developed guide- presidential election than indepen- Hogan, president and CEO of Clear on charges from a three-year-old lines should be as effective as dent candidate Ralph Nader. Channel Radio said, “Clear show. Government-imposed regulations Although Stern did sign a contract Channel drew a line in the sand Hey, Clear Channel, how about without running afoul of the First with Clear Channel and he makes a today with regard to protecting our the majority of your listeners who Amendment protections that we all shit-load of money off of their syn- listeners from indecent content and choose to find Stern’s show an respect,” said Hogan. Hey, Hogan – dication of his program, he is facing Howard Stern’s show blew right entertaining part of their morning? a little observation: any industry- a hybrid form of censorship: finan- through it. It was vulgar, offensive, And not that it matters, but I’m developed guideline is just that. It’s cial ruin. They aren’t telling him he and insulting, not just to women going to assume that it’s quite a not a government-imposed regula- can’t say something – he can say and African Americans but to any- LARGE majority, otherwise mil- tion or law. Don’t go getting ahead anything he wants, just not on their one with a sense of common decen- lions wouldn’t be listening and of yourself, ‘cause some other airwaves – but they’re going to cy. We will not air Howard Stern on Stern’s show wouldn’t be where it’s morality mongers with ideas like impose ridiculously high fines for Clear Channel stations until we are at – on top of morning radio all yours are gonna try to scratch their things he says on air that aren’t assured that his show will conform these years. There are also folks itch of what’s wrong with this clearly defined as “indecent.” to acceptable standards of responsi- who don’t care for Stern’s show at world. And if you respected First The following press release ble broadcasting.” So, because all, and everyone, including Stern’s Amendment protections like you from Clear Channel was released Clear Channel finds a radio show listeners, should respect other’s
ILLUSTRATION BY ROB RUELAS DESIGNATED DALE opinions, just as they would like backed fully, the ban was put into love. And don’t go wiping your more than just simple highway their opinions to be respected. But law. Now, let’s say the government sweaty brow just yet. Things hap- billboard space. Click here to see when you don’t like something wants to go after high-powered pen. all the different mediums they offer that’s intruding your eardrums on a deer rifles and/or shotguns next – You think if Clear Channel to infiltrate the public with their radio program, or some show that’s you think the same folks who got owned the publishing company outdoor advertising: annoying your sight and hearing on their automatic pieces yanked feel that printed these copies of
DD NN LLAA UU RR Y MMIICCKK IIMM LLAAZZY JJ
THE OBJECT HERE IS TO WIN TROPHIES, NOT LOOK LIKE A PUSSY.
TWO CRACKERS, A MICK PRACTICE (DUH) ton anchor slowing down the flagship to victory. This probably goes without saying, but the key No, we cheered him on and told him helpful, AND A BEAN to effective practice is to replicate tournament encouraging lies to keep him from feeling like WALK INTO conditions. Like my Communications professor the rotting corpse of an albatross tied around our A BOWLING ALLEY... at Radford University once told me, “If you’re fucking necks. That’s what every pin counts going to study stoned, then take the test stoned.” means. And walk out with a big-ass trophy. As you are In other words, your practice session must be now undoubtedly aware and are probably sick of state specific. You can’t practice sober, get wast- STAY THE FUCK AWAY hearing, a Razorcake team, The Blatant ed at the tournament, and expect to succeed. The FROM TEAM TILTWHEEL. Stereotypes, made it to the championship round reverse is also true (and also really, really You’ve heard the stories, and they’re all true. of the 6th annual Punk Rock Bowling dumb). If you’re one of those shit-your-pants Team Tiltwheel is to bowling what The Passion Tournament. This was an unprecedented feat (or drunks, you’re pretty much on your own here, of the Christ is to an Easter parade. Shoes? Not near feat since we, you know, lost) not just for but don’t despair, there may be a spot on the required. Clothing? Optional. Pandemonium? the magazine, but for punk rock scribblers Team Tiltwheel bus for you (see below). I’ve Essential. Team Tiltwheel has finished last every everywhere. Writers in the punk rock scene are noticed that the best bowlers tend to be those year they’ve entered and they work very, very often perceived as observers. There are some in who get blitzed and throw rocks every Tuesday hard at it. Trust me, this is no fluke. They have the scene who feel that real punk rockers rip it night, i.e. play in a league. For those of you who been known to dropkick, head butt, and shot put up on stage while the wannabes hide behind truly suck at bowling, all is not lost. The tourna- bowling balls down the lane (although gutter is their cameras and computer monitors. But for ment operates on a handicap system, which is more accurate). All lanes are fair game and there one glorious weekend three extremely pale like God1 smiling down on retards and making is no such thing as out of bounds. They will spill white dudes and one seriously sun-deprived them really smart for a few hours. things. They will grab your balls, and oh yes, Mexican, took the stage at Sam’s Town Bowling they will squeeze them. Luckily, BYO makes Center in Las Vegas, Nevada and kinda sorta DON’T BE A TOOL. sure Team Tiltwheel is always banished to the made up for a lifetime of standing in the wings. Just because you’re gunning for the winner’s cir- end of the alley to minimize offensive behavior. Five small steps and a graceful slide for cle is no excuse to act like a dick. When your (Next year, why not put them next to Team Razorcake, one giant step for zinesters every- opponent gets a strike, congratulate them. Varla? It could be interesting…) In between where. In the spirit of community-building altru- You’re here to have fun and make friends so games it’s worth wandering down to their end of ism and good-old fashioned braggadocio, I will don’t be skimpy with the high fives and the woo- the bowling alley. You’ll know you’re getting now share the secrets of Blatant Stereotype’s hoos. You’ll know you’ve succeeded if the peo- close because of the throng of wastoids cheering success. If you follow these simple steps, you, ple you beat on Saturday wish you luck on them on. Forgive them Mel, they know not what too, can bring some hardware home from the Sunday. When we were in the championships, they do. Punk Rock Bowling Tournament. people I rolled against two years ago hung out and cheered us on (thanks Triple Rock!) and STYLE GET SOME BALLS that’s pretty fucking cool. As in, it helps to have some. Unless your name It works for boy scouts, and it will work for your is Peter “Howitzer” Hucklebuck, throwing the drunk ass: be prepared. This means bringing EVERY PIN COUNTS ball really, really hard not only decreases your your own equipment. If you don’t own a ball, get At the end of the day, teams that qualify for the accuracy and makes you look like a tool, it one. Plastic balls are for pussies and the ones playoffs are separated from those that don’t by a weakens your arm so won’t be able to jack off they let you use at the alley aren’t going to cut it. very small number. It’s really quite remarkable. later, which is a bummer because no one is going The ball may go where you want it to go, but Out of 100 or so teams, a half-dozen will be to be taking your lame, trying-too-hard-to-look- you’re not going to get any pin action when it very, very good and another half-dozen will be cool-and-failing-miserably ass back to their lav- JIM RULAND gets there, and pin action is what separates a dif- very, very bad. The rest of the teams fall in the ish hotel room. My own bowling style, which ficult spare approach from a makeable one, and middle range and the difference between quali- cannot be duplicated, starts with a motion not every spare you make is like tacking on an extra fying for the playoffs and rolling for shits and unlike a human cannonball erupting from the ten points to your score. Enough said. The same giggles is slim. Believe it or not, it’s not about barrel, takes me swiftly to the foul line (aka goes for shoes and by shoes I don’t mean the who’s the best team, but who was the better launch-pad) where I unleash a southpaw straight ones you stole from the bowling alley the last bowler that afternoon. Two factors serve as arm approach with a reverse Brooklyn drift. time you were there (I’m talking to you, Kid). equalizers: the handicap, which levels the play- Thunderous cacophony ensues. I call this tech- Good shoes will help you keep your feet under ing field, and Las Vegas, which can transform nique, which I’ve been perfecting for years, you, the benefits of which should not be under- the hardiest partier or the most pious teetotaler “luck.” Results vary, but I look good doing it. stated in a city like Las Vegas. This also means into an incoherent wretch faster than you can you will need to buy a bag. For the ladies I sug- say, Thundercats, Ho! Ultra-competitive THE ART OF SELF-CCONGRATULATIONS gest a bag with wheels (like a carry-on bag) bowlers take note: This does not mean that it’s So you just rolled a strike: now what do you do? because casinos are big and that shit gets heavy now okay to harass your teammates every time This is tricky. You don’t want to lose your fuck- after a while. Gents: no wheels for you. The they send a dud scud down the spillway. ing mind like you just won the lottery, but you object here is to win trophies, not look like a Whenever a Blatant Stereotype knocked down don’t want to act all blasé like its your fucking pussy. six or seven pins after only getting one or two on birthright to be a good bowler. The trick is to the first try, we didn’t tell him he was like a two- expect – scratch that – demand a strike from yourself every time you pick up a ball, but then 1986, Waukegan Lanes, Waukegan, Illinois). Coincidence? We think so. But they’re no let go of those expectations as soon as you You have been warned. Don’t be bitten. dummies. (Would you organize a tournament release the ball. You can’t control it anymore for something you sucked at?) Luckily, they so it’s pointless to care too much about the out- COCAINE? aren’t as good at bowling as they are at orga- come. Celebrations should be kept in your own Not a good idea, but ecstasy and LSD are nizing events. When the Castaways Casino bowling area. That cheerleader thing you used worth consideration. shut down a week before the tournament, BYO to do to show off your snatch to everyone from had to scramble to find a place for over four the math teacher to the starting quarterback’s DO NOT BE DISTRACTED hundred bowlers to compete and a thousand mentally retarded younger brother is really BY THE VARLA GIRLS punk rockers to sleep. They pulled it off with cute the first time you do it, but keep it up and The Varla Girls are pros at being overdressed plenty of time to spare (sorry). Their genius for I’m laying down some ice in your lane. and underdressed at the same time. This year logistics should not go unappreciated. It’s one
TEAM TILTWHEEL
You’ve heard the stories, and they’re all true.
Shoes?
Not required.
Clothing?
Optional.
Pandemonium?
Essential.
they had a military theme going and dressed as of the few punk rock events you can count on EVALUATE THE ROLE OF ALCOHOL sailor girls on Saturday and commando chicks year in and year out that doesn’t suck. Granted, IN YOUR LIFE. on Sunday. Ahoy, indeed, but succumb to their it was less than ideal staying in two hotels, but
This is a tough one, and it’s not for everyone. siren spell at your own peril. I’m no scientist they were in walking distance of each other JIM RULAND (Team Tiltwheel members can skip to the sec- but I’m willing to bet that bowling near the and all the Razorcake Bowlers were in the tion marked “Cocaine.”) If you’re still reading Varla girls is like having a negative handicap. same hotel. A very good deal by any reckoning. this, and you haven’t broken out in a cold In fact, I seriously doubt any team that has Because there wasn’t a bowling alley in Las sweat, then chances are at some point in your bowled next to a Varla team has advanced to Vegas big enough to accommodate 106 teams, life you were that guy and believe you me, you the championships. There is only one foolproof half the teams bowled in one session, the other don’t want to be that guy at the Punk Rock way to protect yourself from these vixens of half bowled in another and it was really cool Bowling Tournament. Why? Because not only the polished wood, and that is to hang out with hanging out because you miss so much when will your name live long in the lore of PRBT a woman so fine you forget they’re even there, you’re actually bowling. (Something to consid- but, chances are, your insensate ass is going to as was the case with yours truly. er for next year?) So while we probably won’t end up in the photo gallery on the barflies.net be changing our name to Stern anytime soon, website. Now everyone knows bowling is one DESPERATION we haven’t ruled out kidnapping, tasering or of those things that belong with alcohol, like Go for broke – literally. Spend all your money. coma-inducing cocktails. If you’d like to vol- lawn darts and organ poaching, but there is a Pawn your shit. Trade your plane ticket for a unteer your services, give me a call and inquire threshold, a ceiling you might say, and the mid- $100 chip and lose it at the roulette wheel. about the Lazy Mick “street team.” dle of a bowling alley is not the place you want Nothing motivates the human spirit like pover- –Money to go crashing through it. We all have our lim- ty. If poverty can inspire truly awesome things its and Sin City has a way of making us aching- like armed robbery, breaking and entering, 1. No, I don’t believe in God, nor do I expect ly familiar with them, but a little moderation gang wars, etc., imagine what it can do for you to, but if this offends you, wherever you goes along way in Las Vegas. So if you want to your bowling average. Busted, beat and utterly see the word “God” just replace it with the party with an ice bucket filled with spiced rum broke, think of the envelope stuffed with cash words “Mel Gibson.” Plus, divine intervention and Red Bull, wait until the awards celebra- that awaits you at the awards ceremony and goes a long way toward explaining how The tion. The bowling alley is the place where you bowl as if your ass depended on it. Blatant Stereotypes got blown away in the want to achieve personal highs (rolled a 227, championship round. February 2003, Castaways Bowling Center, CHANGE YOUR NAME TO STERN Las Vegas, Nevada) not embarrassing lows Lately, it seems like there’s always a team with (puked all over a buffet table, New Years Eve, a Stern on it in the championships. 9 OO AATT EERR PP MM II 9900880033 NN AAYY
blowing in. A thin, ghostly boy than his arms. He handed me a beer for an hour and the dent – it started Black Night perched on the sill in front of the and I flipped the can around in my to look like Gandhi. No shit! Stars sheer fabric. His body was little hands. Freaking Gandhi head! It was the more than flesh covered bones, and “He couldn’t make it,” I said. I craziest thing and then…” The sheer, dark curtains blew in shadows wove in and around his opened the can and took a sip. As Tyler rambled on, I thought slow and thick as water rippling furiously pockmarked face. His “Actually, we were fighting earli- of my boy over in Oakland. He through the room. That’s what I eyes were half closed, the city glit- er.” looked like a prisoner – bald head, remember, as I walked into the tering behind. He sat holding a “That sucks,” he said, sniffing beefy, with tattoos running all over party at my downstairs neighbor’s Scooby Doo doll that was shaved of and shifting from foot to foot. The his skin. A thick, jagged scar studio apartment. I was nineteen half its fur. Nuclear-Fallout Scooby. truth was that an hour ago my baby between his eyes. He was a man years old and on my own that night. I walked through the carpeted had left the apartment in a rage, whose life had been hard. You It was only eleven o’ clock, yet room, half-drunk from the whiskey jumped in his pea-green Chevy, and could see it in his eyes. We liked to already tons of beer cans were I downed earlier, upstairs with my drove straight into a tree, snapping go up to my roof with some cans of caved in and scattered around the baby. But now he was gone. A it. Then screeched off to his friend’s beer and sit and watch the sun go beige and speckled carpet. Laying morose girl in black slumped in the house somewhere across the San down, changing the sky to a bruised there in the near dark, the cans corner, her blue hair hanging over Francisco Bay. plum and red. We used to sit there looked fragile as insect shells, dis- her face. I thought she was dead Tyler began shifting faster, left at dusk, talking. Up there we were carded metal skins. Several still until I touched her hand. Then her to right, left to right, while his head as close to something real as any- bodies lay around the murky room eyes glided open, staring off into a jerked to one side – like an odd one could get. But later it wasn’t as well, mimicking the cans, along world I would never know. chicken dance. “The other day,” he like that. We always ruined things. with a half a dozen dirty points. Tyler scurried up to me, jerky chattered, “I was trying to clean up “Want a line?” Tyler asked. “I Their glassy eyes were suspended and frantic – the Methamphetamine the place and I started knocking my was just going to do some.” in time. It was like stepping into a King in his tiny, trashy fortress. He head into the wall, you know? Not “Sure,” I said. It wasn’t really morgue. had invited his heroin friends over trying to beat it or bust my head my thing but once in a while it was There was a huge, blackened that night and looked alive and pur- open or anything – just letting it all right. I was just a lush who hung hole in the center of the carpet that poseful in comparison, as he scur- fall, over and over, you know? Just out with speed freaks who hung out AYN IMPERATO looked as though a small spaceship ried from one end of the apartment letting it fall. It dropped over and with junkies. The party was a had landed there. A weak red light to the other. over until a dent started to form in swarm of opposites, people moving hovered over the room. The one “Hey girl, where’s your boy?” the plaster but I just couldn’t stop around each other at different black-curtained window in the back he asked. I looked at his sagging myself, you know? It just started to speeds in strange unison, like of the room was open, the wind brown Dickies and orange poly- hurt like hell, you know? But it felt snakes writhing slowly through a ester shirt. The lapels were thicker kinda good too. Later, I stared at it room of mice. Tyler tapped out the pile of amphetamine boys were lighting up dow was empty. The sheer fabric, rified he would hand it to me or crystals, separating them into four- the bugs. Someone produced a can tacked up, blew in slow and thick. somebody else. inch lines with a rusty razor on the of Aqua Net and sprayed it while The tiny English girl leaned out the Instead, he placed it inside a wooden table. A few of us sat on the flicking a lighter so it blow-torched window. She began to shriek. “Oh, clear plastic bag. His fingers zipped couch, hunched over and sniffing. the roaches, melting them to black- hell! Oh fucking bloody hell!” it shut. He walked to the open win- The second he inhaled the last ened circles on the wall. The small, I knew it before I saw it. Most dow holding the full bag, his boots line, Tyler jumped up off the couch, jerking guy kept shooting and of us did. I raced with the others to crunching across the syringes. “Is hopped over the morose girl, and yelling, “D-d-d-die! D-d-d-die!” the window. We peered over the this where the boy fell from?” he ran out the front door. A few min- I wondered what my boy was ledge into the night and saw the asked. utes later we could hear him run- doing. I thought of him stomping ghostly boy, lying on the sidewalk “Yes,” the English girl blurted. ning around outside, whooping and around our one-room apartment in an angular shape. His arm was Her eyes blinked open and shut. yelling on the sidewalk below. earlier. I could see the mirror splin- pulled backwards in a terrible, “He fell asleep and just fell out!” “Whoooooo! Hell yeaaaaah!” he ter when he put his fist through it. unnatural way. Tyler pulled back The policeman inspected the screamed up to the sky. He stood there afterwards. His from the window, pinching his fin- window frame, testing it with his We felt a strange power as we killed them. It was so much easier than the rest of life. AYN IMPERATO I wandered into the kitchen. My knuckles bled. I closed my eyes and gers together strangely, furiously. hands. I looked out the open win- feet stuck to the floor. Someone had stood there, waiting, until I heard “Ohshit, ohshit, ohshit,” he mut- dow behind him. My baby was a ordered a clam pizza. A bunch of his car screech away outside. tered, then ducked back out the hundred, a million miles away now. speed freaks and junkies had “I love your pink,” I heard window again, swooping forward I looked down at the huge dent ordered a pizza. The box sat open behind me in a shrill, cockney and back. in the plaster where Tyler had beat- on the counter, the pizza an accent. A tiny girl was leaning Within twenty minutes the en his head against the wall. The untouched, glistening circle. The against the kitchen doorframe. I police came. The blue lights and policeman stuck his head out the clams, gnarled thumbs, sunken into hadn’t noticed her before. She was sirens streaked past the sky as we window. “Fell asleep, huh?” He the cheese. A single roach marched a shorthaired brunette, fresh huddled by the open window, but scribbled in a tiny notepad while we across the rim of the box. I felt sick. scrubbed face. Freckles, even. She not too close. I clamped my teeth all stood around, trying to breathe. I thought of the roaches in our looked about nineteen, like me. together and started to grind, slid- Around me everyone had apartment. The whole complex was “Your hair,” she said, running her ing slowly, just to maintain. The stopped moving. There was no infested. Every day was a cock- hand over the top of her head. She policeman walked in the apartment time. Only the blue police lights roach festival. If you flicked on the looked so normal. Ivy League even, holding the bald Scooby Doo. outside, shifting. I wondered what lights they scattered like a bag of in a navy pullover v-neck sweater. “Whose is this?” he asked. We all that boy saw on his way down – if pinto beans spilled on the counter, Then I looked at the studded stared at it with wide, dilated eyes. the city lights were like fake stars in on the floor, scrambling into the bracelet on her wrist and the red “Well, whose is it?” the dark, rushing backwards darkest, creepiest holes in the scabs peeking out of the insides of For a moment we could hear all through a black vein. linoleum. My baby and I used to her elbows from where she had the air rolling through the city out- –Ayn Imperato flick the lights on and off to watch rolled up her sleeves. side. “It was his,” I finally said, ter- the scuttling event. But after a “Thanks,” I said, watching her while we grew sick of them – they pull slowly on an unfiltered ciga- burrowed into our food – and start- rette. “You’re not going to torch ed to poison them with several any bugs?” jumbo cans of roach spray. We felt Her face wrinkled. “No bugs. I a strange power as we killed them. like drugs.” She giggled, bouncing It was so much easier than the rest the words around. “Drugs not of life. All the bad things we could bugs.” Then scratched vigorously at not stop. her arm. We never got all of them. They Tyler reappeared at the party. regenerated tenfold, stronger, more He stood in the center of the room. resilient. I started to hack and His body was illuminated by the red wheeze every time I stepped into light, casting long shadows. He the apartment. My slipdresses start- trembled and paced wildly between ed to reek of poison. A light, sticky the limp bodies on the beige and film settled on the two leopard speckled carpet. I looked around chairs. Under our refrigerator lay a and wondered about the speckles, if thick blanket of tiny wings. they were part of the pattern in the I turned to grab another beer. I carpet, or if they came later. It opened Tyler’s refrigerator. A occurred to me that those beer cans ghostly wind spilled out. A basket had probably been lying there for of green, furry strawberries sat on days. the bottom shelf. A small carton of The people who were still thickened milk sat on the top, standing gathered in the kitchen, beneath the burnt-out light bulb. I staring at the blackened carnage. shut the door. Tyler walked over and surveyed the “D-d-d-die! D-d-d-die!” a tiny, wreckage. He freaked. “Jesus! I just jerking Mexican boy stuttered from cleaned this place!” he yelled. “I try behind me, pointing to the variety to keep this place clean and every- of bugs scurrying about the kitchen. one just comes in and messes it all His fingers formed the shape of a up!” He began to push a dry mop miniature gun, his thumb working. across the floor. We all watched A large pale boy, completely bald him furiously work while the dirt except for a tuft of hair on the front remained horribly and forever of his bloated scalp, took out his encrusted under our feet. lighter. He began slowly, methodi- cally lighting all the roaches in the It happened sometime after the kitchen on fire. It started a chain mop, after the blackened roaches reaction and soon several thin had cooled to the walls. The win- EENN CCKK HHII CC EPOORRTTSS HHMM DINNGGHHOOLLEE RREP TT TTHHEE DI HHYY RR
The Dinghole Reports (So do you have any new ruckus for Kameron Kolstad’s sixth birthday THE WRATH OF TRUE By the Rhythm Chicken us or not? – F.F.) party. It may be in a professional RUCKUS!!! My grass-roots ruckus (Commentary by Francis Funyuns) baseball stadium to an audience of is waged in mysterious ways! I [Edited by Dr. Sicnarf] Well, let’s look at that question a lit- 30,000+, or it may be on an aban- exist to disrupt the natural order of tle closer. It seems to me that you doned construction site, miles away things, baby! FIRED???? I’M FIRED???? How are quite interested in hearing NEW from anyone with even my roadie can you fire ME???!!! I’m the ruckus. You must think that I’ve rolling his eyes in the car. I think (Uh… okay… maybe we can move Rhythm Chicken!!! already submitted all possible it’s about time that I started sharing on to another topic. You haven’t reports of Chicken gigs from the with you more of the “rags” from brought up any new additions to (Okay, Chicken! First of all, let’s past. Funyuns, being a Chicken my “rags to riches” story. your definition of Wisconsinism. – acknowledge the fact that we are roadie yourself you should know F.F.) still here! With every word typed that for every wild, crazy beer- (Riches? – F.F.) here (assuming these words ever soaked and chaotic Chicken gig I Ah, Wisconsinism. It truly is pleas- see print) you can be reassured that share with the masses within these Dinghole Report #35: ant to be back in the belly of the you are still on team Razorcake. I pages, there are scores of lower Happy Ruckusday Kameron! beast. You see, Wisconsinism is a must admit that I can fully under- profile gigs played to sometimes (Rhythm Chicken sighting # 24) constantly changing and growing stand Todd and Sean’s intent to fire less than one audience member! entity. The most impressive exam- you. Let’s look at your last few Would Blink-182 or Weezer go It was Kameron’s sixth birthday ple I’ve found lately is the menu at Dinghole Reports: praising the through the trouble to set up along and her mother Kim was throwing a the Milwaukee south-side’s newest Fleet Farm calendar, praising the highway and play for that slight small party at their small rural hipster tavern, the Palomino. The “stampede” as the new “ruckus,” chance that another car might pass home just outside of Ellison Bay, menu opens up with the phrase, “If pulling Robin Williams under your by? Would Face to Face call people WI. Ruckus Thomas and I pulled it’s good, it’s better fried!” They’ve
Despite my being alone in the car, I still felt the need to strike a cool "farting pose" and manipulate my sphincter in such a way to accentuate the bodily function, you know… being cool.
umbrella of enemies, declaring war up on the phone to do a nationwide up quietly in front of their home on been known to dip Slim Jims in a on the state of Indiana??? Honestly, telephone tour from their north- Highland Road. We set up the beer batter and have them deep Rhythm Chicken, you really do woods woodshed and just leave Chicken kit in the middle of the fried, creating the miraculous new seem to be diverting attention away rhythmic messages when no one’s road at the end of their driveway. I food item known as “AWESOME from the fact that you really haven’t home? Hello, Mrs. Richards. Is pulled on the Chicken head and let STICKS!” Then I’ve also heard of a been the Rhythm Chicken since Paul home? Just one minute. I’ll go loose my birthday-rock thunder. A tavern up in Namur that offers Mannertag in Germany last May! get him. few seconds later, Kameron and her deep-fried Twinkies! That’s TEN MONTHS, Chicken! brother Cole were running out to Wisconsinism, like Hulkamania, is Good God! What’s become of you? [Wait a second there, Mr. Chicken. the street and just staring at the running wild! – F.F.) I’m sure there are plenty of gigs left spectacle. During one of my breaks in your historic grab bag to report in the majestic monster rock Dunghole Report #2: [Indeed, Rhythm Chicken. I must on. It’s just that some of us are get- ruckus, I raised my wings to the The Ol’ Wipe ‘n’ Toss! admit I’m surprised we’re still here. ting worried about your current heavens and thrust my chicken Todd and Sean must be feeling “recess” from performing live. Do breasts out like a proud stallion. [It was my day off and I was dri- merciful this issue. So do you have you think you’re Prince or some- Just then, Kameron yells out “I ving down to Green Bay with the any new ruckus to report this time thing? – Dr. S.] know it’s you,
What’s going on here? Sicnarf, this Oh! I almost forgot to mention the is your second intrusion upon my newest addition to the Wisconsin literary space! Save your unsavory brewers family, LaCrosse Lager! scat stories for the gang at the Years ago, the original Old Style Cactus Club. People tune in here to brewery in LaCrosse, WI was read about my tidal wave tales of bought out by Miller or some other punk ruckus and tom-foolery! I big name. Eventually, the actual kindly thank you to keep your brewing halted at the LaCrosse chocolate doo-doo fairy tales out of location. Now, someone has pur- my peanut butter polka ruckus! chased the old brewery and revived the world’s largest six-pack with (Actually, Chicken, I think his poop the original Old Style recipe even! stories are doing a fine job at filling The name Old Style belongs to in for your all-but-absent Dinghole some business suits in a skyscraper Reports. Now, there may be a few somewhere, while the original fetish websites that would appreci- recipe is now available incognito as RHYTHM CHICKEN ate his stories more than the aver- LaCrosse Lager! Now I simply age Razorcake reader… well, walk a half-block from my maybe. – F.F.) Milwaukee home to Bert’s Bayview Liquor to pick up a 15- [Actually, I think the average pack of this fine malt beverage for Razorcake reader is anything but a mere $6.99! America, what a average. – Dr. S.] country! Your first sip will bring to mind images of ice-fishermen and Oh, sure! Suck up to the boss! Am I County, WI. We decided to stop with the devil! I set up facing the deer hunters on a frozen Wisconsin mistaken, or are you trying to take along the highway at the construc- usually busy highway and played a landscape. my place here? I’m shocked they tion site of what was to become the wild five-minute set, always trying even PRINTED that just now! gaudy and overpriced “Little to notice any possible rolling audi- As a parting gesture, I would like to Sicnarf, you are supposed to be my Sweden Resort” just south of Fish ence members going by. None! In a address any readers familiar with EDITOR. Another fecal-related Creek (and just north of Juddville!). sweat, I tossed the kit back into my Polish tradition. I wish I could outburst like that and it’s behind the It was a Sunday and no one was in back seat and continued heading douse you all with gallons (or scenes again for you, HOT SNOT! sight. I set up while the Captain north on 57. Not even a cop! Damn. liters) of water while joyously bel- remained in the car pulling schwig- If I were all Pabsted up I’m sure the lowing, “SZMYNGUS DYN- (Wow, I think this “hot snot” is the gers off of the gin bottle. I played a SWAT team and National Guard GUS!!!” Yup, it sounds just like it’s new “slick-slack.” – F.F.) spirited gig in the entranceway fac- would’ve been called. spelled. Rock over Krakow, Rock ing the highway. During the entire on Milwaukee. Red Wrigglers, the To tell the truth, when I was about ten minute set NOT ONE car [So, if no one can bare witness, is it Cadillac of worms! five or six years old I used to sing passed by. The audience count was technically a Rhythm Chicken out my parents’ bedroom window a firm ZERO! Even my faithful SIGHTING? – Dr. S.] –The Rhythm Chicken at our neighbor while he was work- roadie Foolhardy opted to stay in ing on their lawn. It was the first the car and drink. No applause. No Dinghole Report #38: Playing to [email protected] song I ever made up. “HOT SNOT, response. If a Rhythm Chicken your neighbors is PUNK! www.rhythmchicken.com WANNA POLKA DOT! HOT plays in the woods and no one is (Rhythm Chicken sighting #24) DYY DDD AA WHHEENN IIDDLLEE MM SSHHIIFFTTLLEESSSS W
After watching graphic footage of lynchings, I was hard-ppressed to come up with questions. (Note: what do you ask after watching something like that? How much rope did they use? What was the weather like?) reetings from my den of far only black people have come to sloth! Yes, I have only both- look at it, and I’m still not comfort- GGered taking off my (very able with that.” Milwaukee, for all cool) pink-and-gray-star pajamas of its beer-drenched punk rock ONCE in the past FIVE days! I goodness, sometimes really sucks! have been sitting on the couch in So, I spent my school years my bedroom for about two hours, being dragged to various museums, trying to motivate myself to review symphonies and butter churning mediocre power pop CDs! What is sites. When I moved to Riverwest, I wrong with me? What could cause still never got around to going to your formerly out-going columnist the Black Holocaust Museum (due, to seep so far into the recesses of no doubt, to my busy schedule, pajama-dom? The answer? A which including drinking as much sprained ankle! The bruised, purple vodka as possible while amassing a and green painful shame of it all! top-notch collection of Mutant Pop My writings depend on stupid 7”s). things happening to me! And if I’m Then, I moved back to lying on a couch all day, what am I Milwaukee in February, and, on the going to write about? How I feel first day back, I thought, “Today is about Jerry Springer’s new haircut? the day! No more procrastination! I The lessons I learned from reading will finally probe the depths of this the Real Estate section of the NY mysterious museum!” Times? The horror that results from Accompanied by my sister deciding that “it’s not worth it” to Emily and my friend Amanda, we hobble to my kitchen to obtain cof- drove to the small, one-story build- fee? ing, paid our five dollar admission, However, I realize that, in and embarked on one of the
MADDY every writer’s life, there comes a since the tender age of eight, one that haven’t closed, and live togeth- strangest museum experiences in dry spell. A period of months dur- would assume I would have been to er in working class communities. my museum-filled life. ing which one fails to be a.) hit by a this museum in the general course And the black people work either at We were first ushered into a car, b.) peed on or c.) attacked by a of my grade school field-tripping. Wal-Mart or not at all (another fun room to watch an A&E documen- wild animal. Add to that the fact But no. We went to the Art Museum statistic? Milwaukee has the high- tary about the founder of the muse- that, believe it or not, a new issue of (where the guide, when asked what est racial income disparity in the um – a man who is the only known Tight Pants is in the works (thus the abstract art hanging in the front nation! And some predominately survivor of a lynch mob. He had stealing all my stories about meet- room was supposed to be, said, “I black areas have 40% unemploy- heard about the Holocaust Museum ing people who re-enact the French have no idea.”), to the public muse- ment!), and live in the ghetto. for WWII, and thought that the U.S. and Indian War, raisin’ hell in um (home to a ridiculously cool Growing up broke and white needed a Black Holocaust Museum. Chattanooga while on tour with the life-sized depiction of a T-Rex eat- meant that I never, ever met some- If his museum had been focused on Modern Machines and taking yet ing a Stegosaurus), and even to Old one who was broke and black. Or WWII, abstract art or butter churn- another personality test to obtain World Wisconsin (where obese, middle-class and black. Nope. Our ing, he would no doubt have temporary employment!). bratwurst-eating white Wisconsin entire street, until a few years ago, received millions of dollars in Luckily, I come prepared for residents go to learn about their was white. When my parents signed grants. Instead, he could only afford such inevitabilities. I have started obese, bratwurst-eating German the deed on the house, it said one of a very small building in a high planning ahead and forcing myself heritage, complete with recreated the conditions of sale was that the crime area. Ah, America! into stupid situations in a desperate log cabins and period butter owners never sell or rent the house After the documentary, there plea for writing material! And you churns). to a black family. This was leftover was a question and answer period. thought Kerouac was devoted to his The Black Holocaust museum from when the house had been built Besides the three of us, there were a art! had always remained a mystery. In at the turn of the century, and, when few white students from a nearby In every city, there’s that one of the most segregated cities in my parents requested that it be university who were there as part of strange place that, regardless of the country (recently, a study found removed, they were told that it did- some sort of academic requirement. how long you live there, you never us to be #1 in terms of segregation, n’t matter, just to sign it, because After watching graphic footage of seem to find time to explore. In but then the local paper went on a there was no point in going to all lynchings, I was hard-pressed to Milwaukee, on the freeway near crusade to prove the statistics were the legal trouble of writing up a come up with questions. (Note: Riverwest (the punk and black incorrect. Their verdict, which they new deed. They refused, and the what do you ask after watching working class neighborhood), I optimistically proclaimed? #43 out deed was changed. And then, just a something like that? How much always passed a sign for of 100 major cities!), it’s still rare year ago, my mom’s neighbor rope did they use? What was the “America’s Black Holocaust here to find an integrated neighbor- across the street grumbled that she weather like?) Museum.” hood. The white people work either was having trouble renting out the After the students asked a few Being a Milwaukee resident at Wal-Mart or in the few factories upstairs of her house because “so questions, we went into another room to begin the tour. “The tour” mately 95% of the museum’s total who nervously confessed that she Lieberman’s 2000 campaign biog- was a roughly twenty-foot walk budget. After standing in that room hadn’t done tours in awhile and raphy and individually wrapped down a hallway and into a small for a few minutes, we moved on to needed to brush up on her informa- packages of Laffy Taffy! Time to room. The hallway had a poorly- the next room – which was almost tion, we went to explore the gift roll out the following word: drawn mural on the wall of a “typ- totally empty except for a few shop. First of all, it bears noting Inexplicable! ical African village.” The tour xeroxed slave auction flyers. And that the gift shop was approximate- While we stood in the gift guide, a nice but totally-clueless shop, trying to contemplate how middle-aged woman, proceeded to Joe Lieberman’s political mem- talk about how “African people oirs and Laffy Taffy demonstrat- lived.” She pointed to the mural ed the struggle to end slavery, I and said, “Here we have an African had an idea. Why not go to Old woman carrying water in a jug on World Wisconsin and the
her head.” Then she pointed to a Milwaukee Art Museum, round MADDY hut and said, “Here, we have an up all the butter churns and African hut.” Then, pointing at the expensive monochromatic paint- mural in general, she said, ings, sell everything on ebay, and “Africans lived in huts.” When turn the art museum into a Black pressed for details, she pointed Holocaust museum that does once again to the mural, and said, more than sell the public Lion “See, you can observe that the huts King bubble makers and inform were made out of straw.” And with them that Africans lived in huts? that, our knowledge of African cul- Or would that be too radical? tures was complete. Scholarship! Sometimes I really hate this Then, we walked about five with that, approximately twelve ly half the size of the space covered country! feet forward, and stood in front of minutes after it had began, the tour on the tour – a disturbing 1:2 ratio! a ball of rope. “This represents the abruptly ended. But, you might think, perhaps –Maddy passage into slavery,” she said, and In twelve minutes, the entire the gift shop would have a lot of led us into a small room with bunks 500 (or so) year history of the interesting books about slavery and P.S. Tight Pants #11 will be out on either side, designed to repre- African slave trade in the Americas racism in the U.S. Perhaps they sometime this summer. In the sent the conditions in the ship’s had been depicted – using a few would sell posters of prominent meantime, please send d.i.y. hull where the slaves were kept slabs of wood, a drawing of a abolitionists and civil rights lead- sprained ankle remedies (i.e. sour while being transported to woman carrying water, and some ers. Perhaps they would sell post- patch kids, Bruce Springsteen America. This room, done in the xeroxes! It was, without a doubt, cards of the museum. No, no, and posters and cans of Blatz) to me at: style of the concentration camp the crappiest museum I had ever no! Instead, the gift shop contained PO Box 100882, Milwaukee, WI train car you can walk through at visited. the following: a Bob Marley table- 53210. Thank you and goodnight! the D.C. (WWII) Holocaust But, it wasn’t over yet! After cloth, a Lion King bubble maker, Museum, clearly used up approxi- saying goodbye to our tour guide, four used copies of Joseph RR EE G RRG EE BB N RRN OO E MMYY HHOORRNN HH SSQQUUEEEEZZE Y RRY AA GG I think I've been placed in the guillotine upside down so that I can see the blade coming. Well, this is it, the last version in the neighborhood of $1,500 a teen dollars. There is a twenty-five to us ever since it swallowed Lucky of Strikeman and how our super- month in retirement. Now, under dollar co-pay to see the doctor, market in its quest to be the biggest hero gets taken for a ride, hence the new plan, it’s in the ballpark of $100 co-pay to be hospitalized and supermarket (via the lack of a “The Death of Strikeman.” Okay, $1,050 a month. When I’m fifty- prescriptions were raised to twenty strong government to swing its okay, so I cover the comics and five, what the hell is that going to dollars. There was a whole lot more anti-trust dick around) and are still sometimes I get carried away, but do for me? but those were the biggies. lying to us. Case in point – upon it’s not that far from the truth. This The third biggie was the med- Now that we’ve been slapped in arriving back to work, the manager is the third and final article about ical that I, in all honesty, was really the face, we are being assigned to told us that what happened while the great Southern California super- not hurt about, but that was the big go to a motivational speaker to we were out is to remain outside market strike. Actually, it was a lot cry in the beginning. A single per- pump up our morale and show us and is forgotten, water under the like getting drunk. First you start son pays five dollars a week, an how to find enjoyment through bridge. Yet, when the man was drinking (call the strike), then employee and children pay ten dol- adversity. Bullshit! This coming transferred to another store, his you’re feeling good, having a swell lars, and the whole family pays fif- from the same machine that has lied final act was screwing with time (the first couple of weeks car- rying signs and acting crazy), then you start to get sick because you’ve had too much (dealing with both a fucked-up company and an equally fucked-up union and all the rest of the people you work with and can’t really stand [you know who you are]) and finally the hangover the next day (basically waking up to find all that time you were out pick- eting was all for naught because the union gave in and all the sheep fol- lowed the union and voted yes, GARY HORNBERGER basically cutting their own throats. [Maybe they’re not sheep. Maybe they’re lemmings.] All the while, they gave those of us who voted NO a big fucking headache). So how do you like that? We really did get screwed, and I’ll explain how. First and foremost, the contract accepted the two-tier system. The two-tier system is where I, making $18 an hour, will keep making that wage, but anyone promoted after that will have to wait six-and-a-half years to top out at $15 an hour. Now, I ask you, will my work be scrutinized a little closer now if I can be replaced by cheaper labor? Is the union going to help me? I think I’ve been placed in the guillo- tine upside down so that I can see the blade coming. Next are the cuts in pension. They sent us a kind lit- tle note to tell us that the company’s matching funds are no more, but at least we will get a big check for what we had up to that point. The second note was delivered to tell us that the pension would only be 65% of what it was before. The scenario is something like if you were fifty- five and you had thirty years, 16 before you would get ARTWORK BY ART FUENTES employees who stood up to him or Of It All has been doing that for and kind of figuring it out, yet kind girl is she can never find a steady who he did not get along with. He awhile. So this issue it’s the of not. It revolves around the char- romance, and winds up with the did things like taking night crew Subhumans’ turn and they don’t acter, Audrey, who is a small, quiet likes of deadbeats and serial stockers and placing them in the disappoint. The cover is cool; the man who seems to be having trou- killers. Oh, and I feel for the girl! register and giving certain employ- Subhumans icon skull is fully pro- bles in life. In the end, after the You just have to read this one as a ees shitty hours. What happened to nounced against a background of police have checked the room and primer for her full-length comics. water under the bridge? I under- screaming hordes. The visual fol- called it ultra tidy, we see blood Did I just say full-length? There stand that most grocery workers lows the lyrics to “Subvert City,” oozing out from under the bed. are two other stories inside here. are in a slightly different boat than which is a song that details a rise Whose blood is it? I don’t know. Both are kinda bizarre but fun to myself, but how can they not see against the system and what it That’s why I’m asking. We have an read, but the lisp story is the best. that in times when American busi- changes. The art has that Trencher idea, but we never see anyone do Sorry. My mind floats in the gutter. ness is sending work to China – as look to it, if any of you remember the dirty deed. This is a slick (Fantagraphics Books) Nabisco and Radio Flyer wagons that comic of the same name. The comic. It’s short and pretty simply GARY HORNBERGER and toys just did – how is it that the great thing about these books is done, but it keeps you guessing. APE: lemmings see so short term? I sure that it puts a face on songs and Find this one, read it, and drop me SON OF A VISION THING don’t want to hear all that crying groups, kind of like when Batman, a line and tell me what you think. By Theodoros Nikos Jouflas when I retire. I think the public in Spiderman or the Hulk get lifted (Fantagraphics Books Inc., 7563 $4.95 U.S., $7.95 Can. general needs to step it up and take from pulp to the big screen. I think Lake City Way, NE, Seattle WA I loved this book! If you dislike the responsibility, instead of letting Fat Wreck Chords has a good thing 98115; present federal governing body, someone else make a bad decision going here and if I ever bowl near http://www.fantagraphics.com) then this one is gonna rock your for them and complaining about it. them at Punk Rock Bowling, I’m world. The art is surreal and spec- Enough said. I’m cutting it off gonna tell them so. I’m not real LOVE AND ROCKETS #9 tacular and the poetry is right on here. I’ve spit and hissed enough sure how Joe Public can get these, by The Hernandez Brothers the money. When students go on on this subject. I think people are seeing that a good friend’s wife has $3.95 U.S., $5.95 Can. acid trips, this must be what histo- tired of me and I’ve got comics to been looking for the last copy high Let me tell you why I like this one: ry class becomes. Yet, at the same review. and low with no success now wants the story, “The High Soft Lisp.” time, this little diddy gets you mine. I’m gonna have to look into Once, when I purchased a grab bag thinking. This guy definitely does SUBHUMANS LIVE IN A DIVE this for you all because they really of comics, I happened to get one of not carry the republican voter card. #5 are excellent reading and viewing. those comics that can only be All I can say is ask the guy on the Fat Wreck Chords $$-?? (“Subvert City” artwork by: found in that room with the saloon other side of the counter to get you I always enjoy when these come [email protected]) doors. It was funny that one of the a copy of this and if he says he out because they are accompanied girls had a lisp. It just so happens doesn’t have a copy, give him the by a disk and because each one has THE POGOSTICK #2 it’s the same girl. Now what’s finger and high tail it to a distribu- a unique story. The last one is by Al Columbia & Ethan Persoff, funny is that this chick is hot – a tor that does carry this fine work of going to be rather difficult to con- $4.95 U.S., $7.95 Can. curvy brunette with really big art. (Fantagraphics Books) quer because the art and the story This one is bizarre – good bizarre – breasts, and, of course, she talks were incredible. Then again, Sick like watching a murder mystery with this great lisp. As hot as this –Gary Hornberger IINN KK AACC MM ED BBAALLLLOOOONN HH TTHHEE TTWWIISSTTED ICC RRI
...we have soap and running water and toilet paper. Consider that some people don’t, and they designate righty to be food and social hand and lefty to be poopy wipe hand.
ILLUSTRATIONS BY ART FUENTES When I was in my teens, I always felt slight- Greek Orthodox Iced Tea. Zen is one of those lot of Buddhists are pretty weird and contradic- ly annoyed by the Dead Kennedy’s song weird things where it invokes positive thoughts tory. I suppose this can be similar to asking a “Religious Vomit.” While I shared Jello Biafra’s from people who don’t really know about it and United Methodist about Catholicism. Sure, rage at the Christian Right and the state of orga- certainly would never seek to practice it. I think they’re both Christian, but there’s a big differ- nized religions in America in general, as well as one of the closest comparisons is Voodoo, a real ence in style and belief. This also should be the annoyance of half-assed semi-acceptance of religion that has real practitioners but is better brought up when uninformed “Patriots” assume Judeo-Christian beliefs, I had a hard time agree- known for half-truths. Go to New Orleans and that all Moslems are represented by al Qaeda. ing that “all religions suck.” I didn’t know that you will see myriad “Voodoo” dolls and trinkets Religious radicals have more in common with much about the Dalai Lama at the time, but composing a huge tourism business that I am other radicals no matter what brand they couldn’t see him “sucking” the way Jerry sure dwarfs the financial intake of the actual attribute themselves to be. Falwell did. Voodoo Spiritual Centers – which from what I The Zen Center I go to is set up for lay prac- This seemed a common issue I had with have seen look more like a community center tice, which means that for the most part its set up white American suburban punk culture, that it than the Satanic shrines tourists would like to for “normal” people who have jobs and homes rejected more things than it knew about. If the take them for. and lives outside, like writing columns for punk religions of our parents were stupid, surely the Some people think that it’s cool that I am a magazines and such. It’s Soto, as opposed to concept of religion in itself is stupid as well, or Zen Buddhist. And I have to say that making Rinzai, which are the main two schools of Zen. at least that was the logic. people think I am less cool isn’t a high priority, I don’t expect this to mean much to most people. I write this now after formally becoming but while it’s cool that I am Zen and not very More or less, a main difference is that Soto Zen Buddhist. I am a practicing Soto Zen Buddhist. I cool to be, say, Quaker, the coolness factor is is more about day to day activities as spiritual take that long to say that because when I said to pretty arbitrary – the Quakers I meet tend to act practice, while Rinzai is big into Koans – those people that I formally became Zen Buddhist, similarly, they just wear less black. I think per- questions and stories like “What was your true most balk at the idea of Zen being anything that haps that it’s a vicarious cool – like how many face before your parents were born?” or “What can be called formal or official. This is also kids in high school liked my mohawk; they is the sound of one hand clapping?” and the idea interesting, coming from counter cultural punk couldn’t get away with mohawks, but they liked of sudden enlightenment. types because it shows how as much as we reject having a friend with one. It doesn’t sound like Actually, a word on the idea of enlighten- mainstream media and corporate information, fun to wake up and sit perfectly still in medita- ment. Zen teacher Joko Beck, who runs the San we only do so when we have the energy to con- tion for an hour, but it sounds cool to know Diego Zen Center, noted that people hear of the RICH MACKIN sider what is officially corporate information. someone who does. idea of enlightenment and assume it changes My point is that it’s funny for scruffy kids who One of the first questions people ask about you so that you go through life in bliss forever. know of Zen Buddhism solely through Kerouac my becoming Buddhist is if I am still a Reverend She notes that it’s usually more a feeling that and Ginsberg to argue points told to me by Zen or not. Yes I am. The whole point of the lasts for a few hours. I actually had an interest- Buddhist priests and monks. I don’t take every- Universal Life Church is that there is no dogma ing insight on the idea of enlightenment a few thing that even the most informed Buddhist to it at all. I can functionally do whatever I want months ago. I was walking in the woods and it Monk says as truth without some skepticism, but and believe whatever I believe as long as what- hit me that for most of history, a lot of the land I suspect they might be a bit more informed than ever I do does not impede on the rights of others that is now strip malls and parking lots was this most. to do the same. Actually, the two go very well in beautiful, and over the years, our culture has Granted, in our culture, “Zen” is often meant many ways. removed itself from nature. You know how to describe a product that has ginseng in it. I Other questions I get about Buddhism are when you have something at the tip of your have seen Zen iced tea and Zen cereal. Strange, about Buddhist sects I know little or nothing tongue, or you think of something, but forget because you would never see about. Truth be told, I think a lot of beliefs of a what the name of it is... anything like that? You 18 know that you know something, but you forget all one with everything, but it also means no many American “Christians” spout about how what you know? How good does it feel when it shit-talking. “Do not be mean with Dharma the nth generation of English translated from dawns on you what that missing piece of infor- (teaching) or wealth” means don’t be stingy, but other English from Olde Englishe from whatev- mation is? That is a minor form of enlighten- that’s hard to chart. er from Latin from the original language is THE ment. Enlightenment isn’t an experience when Finally, “Do not defame the Three DIRECT WORD of God. Nevermind that even we, as humans, find a new level of evolution Treasures” is a mindful. The Three Treasures are if the Bible was such, it was written in a lan- based on religion and mystic experience which Buddha – which can refer to the Shakyamuni guage with a totally different context and lan- is beyond normal life. Enlightenment is a great Buddha, Siddhartha Guatama, the guy who guage family. and sudden remembering of what a person has started it all, or the enlightened mine within us Consider, for instance, gender in language. forgotten as a result of being denied truth as a all; Dharma is teaching; Sangha is community, In English, we have no gender-neutral term for a result of being part of this sick culture. sometimes used to define all Buddhists, some- person (minor and disagreeing factions in favor At one point, each person was as much a times you refer to the people at the place you of “ze” and such aside.) So, everything is him, part of nature as the trees and grass and sky. meditate as your Sangha, etc. So, the precept is her, or it. But some languages, many in that area Now we live compartmentalized. We live apart, to respect these ideas, but also it involves not where the Bible took place in, have an “it” word ride in cars, work in cubes. Our lives are sepa- making a self-parody of the ideas by self-right- and a “person pronoun” that doesn’t depend on rate from one another and much of what we eousness or elitism. gender. Now imagine calling God by that term think of as nature. We don’t need to commune It’s really odd, having been raised Christian, and then being the guy who has to decide what with nature, the world, the universe, so much as where so many people fight to decide who has that’s translated as. recall that we have always been part of it. THE correct message and rules for people to One of my favorite examples of translation Enlightenment is a sort of mental and spiri- obey, to be in a religion where the idea is to in the Bible is one of the verses that in theory tual “OH YEAH! I REMEMBER NOW!” throw open-ended abstracts at you and make you admonishes homosexuality. It says to not lie Of course, I am not saying that me being try to figure them out. Heck, by the time I finish with a man the way a man does with a woman. Buddhist now makes me enlightened. It does writing this, I probably would have changed my One meaning of that is “don’t have sex with a mean that I had a day of “Vowing ‘N’ Bowing” personal definitions a few times. man if you are a man.” Another might note that (and yes, it was referred to as such) where I offi- One of the cool things I got by formally tak- the term is “lie” not “put your penis in” or “be cially took the precepts and such. Interesting ing the precepts (besides cookies, the Zen center sexual with.” But I like the idea that it means thing about the precepts of Buddhism, they are a is all about cookies, and man, you haven’t “when you DO have sex with men, don’t do it lot like the Ten Commandments but less like enjoyed a cookie until you sit for hours in med- the way you do with women.” Well, obviously, orders and more like personal examinations. itation and ritualistically have a cookie given for you can’t put your penis in a man’s vagina, but “Do not kill” and “Do not steal” are pretty you to mindfully eat, but anyway) is a scroll that you can sodomize him. And while we can actu- straightforward (until you REALLY get into the has the name of Shakyamuni – the Indian prince ally buy books and lubes to facilitate this these philosophy, which often leads to unwitting veg- turned monk whose teachings are the core of days, sodomy was likely a health hazard in dry anism and such) as is “Do not speak dishonest- Buddhism – the guy we call “THE Buddha,” and areas without running water and stuff like that. ly,” but how about “Do not misuse sexuality”? the lineage of who he taught, who they taught, So maybe it’s not homosexuality that Christians (Other sects of Buddhism translate this different all the way down to my teacher, to me. Stop and should take issue with, it’s hygiene about poop. Consider this might be why Leviticus and such
talk about what foods not to eat. (And while I RICH MACKIN have seen “God hates Shrimp” signs at protests, they seem shouted down by the Christian homo- phobic front.) Consider that today I can Google “punk rock” on my imac. Fifty years ago that would have made no sense whatsoever. Consider that when my high school social studies class teacher said that in some parts of the world, it’s offensive to eat or touch people with your left hand. That’s silly, right? We have no issue with that, do we? But we have soap and running water and toilet paper. Consider that some people don’t, and they designate righty to be food and social hand and lefty to be poopy wipe hand. Now tell me that’s a weird taboo. Makes as much sense as the idea that it’s unlucky to conduct business unless you wear colored cloth around your neck. Or at least, it’s etiquette to wear a necktie. But imagine, if we did have a record that said Jesus told one guy this, and he told that guy this, and had a full family tree that let us know ways, such as “do not misuse sex,” which I think consider what Christianity would be like if there where the Orthodox churches went one way and is more specific than sexuality – a concept were something similar. why, or how George W. Bush can push beyond actual sex acts) If one can misuse sexu- For example, my Sangha’s interpretation of Christianity yet forgetting the parts about “Thou ality, that implies an appropriate use, but what is Soto Zen Buddhism is just that and no more, and shall not kill” or “it’s easier for a camel to pass that? What about “Do not indulge anger”? Does that we note that for almost everything we do, through the eye of a needle than a wealthy man it mean, “do not be angry” or not to run with there are different versions, translations and to enter heaven.” anger or what? interpretations. Every now and then, you hear a Don’t get me wrong, while I think many of Other precepts include “Do not dwell on teacher say “in Tibetan Buddhism, this is the most vocal Christians aren’t so smart or past mistakes,” “Do not become intoxicated” called...” or “at such and such temple, they use truthful, I still like most of what Jesus said, fic- might mean “don’t get drunk” to some and “do the translation...” This is because we are aware tional character or historical figure or a bit of not let something distract you” to others. (And that a lot of these teachings were originally writ- each. After all, at least one Zen master has said let me say that the fear of me not drinking was ten in Sanskrit in India 2500 years ago, and went “that Christ fellow was well on his way towards the biggest concern of my Buddhist practice for from India to China to Japan to America, being becoming a Buddha.” But then again, at more than a few of my friends.) “Do not praise translated from language to language, culture to least Buddhist teacher I know applies that self or blame others” has a lot more philosophi- culture. Yet the teachings of Jesus (assuming to the sheriff in Fargo as well. cal implications when you consider Buddhist you believe such a fellow existed) were in –Rich Mackin teachings on how there is no real self and we are Aramaic 2000 years ago in the Middle East. Yet, 19 O DDO A RRA AA LLVV AA LANNEE YY A LLIITTTTLLEE AAIIRRPPLA MM II’’MM A IIMM JJ
EASY MARKS AND HURRICANES
“Me da seis tacos de asada, and…. What do you want to drink, Dopey?” I stared at the menu on the wall for a minute before telling Nacho, “Whatever’s clever.” “Dos tamarindos,” he told the guy behind the counter before pulling his wallet from the Levi’s he wore under his dark blue muumuu to pay for the food. When the food was ready, we sat at one of the tables and divvied up the tacos between us. Avalo’s Taco House on City Terrace Drive was a favorite hangout of the neighborhood punk kids. The food was both cheap and good, and the alleys and ser- vice streets in which we usually hung out weren’t too far away. Most importantly, they didn’t give a damn about how one looked, which came in handy when you’re ordering food with your hair spiked to the ceil- ing and the guy next to you is making a fashion state- ment usually reserved for elderly women. Not that Nacho was gay, or even your average het- erosexual with a kink for wearing women’s clothing. If he had been either, though, it wouldn’t have made a dif- ference, ’cause he was cool enough to look damn sharp in the dresses he wore, big enough not to worry about homophobes fucking with him and mean enough to set right any who tried. He had been my older brother’s best friend since kindergarten, but he had become something of a second brother to both Dennis and I over the years. Even our mother, who was usually very vocal in her assessments of our strange looking friends, treated him like family, always trying to feed him and even giving him a key to
JIMMYthe ALVARADO house, “just in case one of these mensos forgets theirs.” “So how was the gig at the Casa Blanca last Friday?” he asked between bites, not looking up at me. “All right, I guess,” I said, staring at the straw I was spinning around in my glass of tamarindo. I knew where this was going. “Political Scandal were pretty good, Los Pulmones were kinda weird, Neto’s band were Neto’s band and the others were boring.” “Yeah, Dennis said pretty much the same thing. Sounds like I didn’t miss much.” He took another bite ILLUSTRATIONS BY KEITH ROSSON from his taco. “He also said you got into your first full- on brawl. That where you got the black eye?” Dennis out a little,” he said. “Neto was a dif- ing that they’re done with the best intentions “Yeah,” I said, still twirling the straw. “Can we skip ferent story. He was going on about ‘there doesn’t make them hurt any less,” I said. this conversation, Nacho?” was blood everywhere’ and how he and “All my life I’ve been someone’s little He looked up at me for a moment, and then went Louie had to pull you off the guy ’cause they brother. First I’m Dennis’s little brother, back to his tacos. “No problem,” he said. “I was just were afraid you were gonna kill him. He then yours, then all of your friends. Now concerned ’cause that don’t sound like you, little broth- almost sounded like he was the one that that’s a cool position to be in, you know? er.” fucked the dude up.” I’ve got all these homies looking out for me, We sat there for what seemed like hours, him eating “Yeah, well, Neto was part of the prob- making sure I don’t fuck up or someone and me twirling the straw over and over. Finally I lem that night. And Dennis. And you.” fucks me up. Someone’s always got my back looked at him. He stopped mid-bite and looked up at and, believe me, I’m thankful that you all “What did Dennis say was the reason I jumped on me. “Okay, now how do you figure I’m part- care enough to look after me. But at the that asshole?” ly responsible for your lighting up some same time, I’m sixteen, man, and sometimes “Not much, other than the dude was drunk and drunk prick at a gig I wasn’t even at?” he it feels like all of you think I’m still nine or snap-happy and, before anyone knew what was going asked. I looked back at him for a moment, something.” on, you were all over the sorry fucker, screaming and then went back to twirling the straw. “Nah, it ain’t even like that,” he said. 20 kicking his face in. I think you freaked “It’s the little things that cut, and know- “We...” “Yes, it’s just like that,” I said, “and that ’cause they still think I’m some dumbass kid. “Good thing,” I said. “She’d kill us both.” night it just got to be too much. It started off all I’m thinking that even this fool I don’t even The cliff by the water tower provided a good right. Dennis spiking my hair, Neto picking us know, high as a kite and swaying in front of me, view of everything west of East Los Angeles. up and being his usual asshole self. Same shit, doesn’t respect me. I’m thinking it’s always On a really clear day, you could even see the different night, you know? As soon as we got to gonna be this way. I’m thinking about a lot of ocean if you looked hard enough. At night, it the club, though, it felt like one thing after things, but most of all, I’m thinking about the looked like Christmas. We looked out at the another started going wrong, like the planets smell that’s oozing off this guy like a cloud of lights of the city, beers in hand, taking it all in. were aligning in all the worst ways. smoky dog shit. And from somewhere I hear “How do you feel about what happened?” he “It started with that fat fucking bartender myself say, ‘Fuck you, scumbag.’ I see him pull asked after a while. I thought for a minute and there. He starts hassling me about my age again, back to drill on me and I just….” sighed. wanting to see proof I was over 21, and here “…blew up,” Nacho finished. “Not too good. Like shit, actually. I mean, comes Neto save the day. The homeboys show “Yeah. I don’t know if he got the shot off or I’ve been in fights before, but I’ve never gone up and for some reason I feel like some kid run- not, but I guess the shiner on my eye means he off like that. I know the guy was a dick, but I feel ning after his big brother – there, but not really did,” I said. “One minute he’s getting ready to like I’m the dick and I don’t know why.” belonging. And I start thinking, ‘Well, fuck, this let fly and the next minute I’m covered in blood, Nacho took a drink from his beer and point- is how it always feels, don’t it? Dopey, Dennis’ Neto and Louie are off the stage and they’re ed the bottle out at the city. “Let me tell you
So I thought about how screwed up and unfair the world was, how it eats up the weak and figured, if the world ain’t gonna make things right, fuck it, I will. tag-along little brother,’ and I’m getting madder dragging me to the back of the club. Neto’s something, Dopey. There’s millions of people and madder, right? But I don’t say anything. The laughing and screaming something at me, but out there and they all break down into three cat- guys are teasing me, like they always do, only it’s like he’s speaking in some language I don’t egories: People who don’t feel the need throw this time it’s really grating on me. We go inside even know. Then Dennis is there, emptying a chingazos for any reason, people who hate to and the music’s going and the slam pit’s churn- cup of water on the top of my head. Whoosh, throw chingazos but will when push comes to ing and the whole scene is helping to ease things everything comes back into focus, and suddenly shove, and people who enjoy throwing chinga- up. I’m starting to feel better and I’m thinking I’m scared, I mean really scared, ’cause I can’t zos. Now, the people who won’t and the people that maybe the night’s gonna be all right after remember shit, I’ve got all this blood on me but who enjoy it are pretty much self-explanatory, all.” no cuts anywhere and everybody in the club is but the people in the middle are a little bit hard- “And then here comes the drunk guy,” staring at me. Dennis takes me outside to Neto’s er to define, which is kinda weird because I Nacho said. car and tells what he saw. He asks me what hap- think there’s more of them out there.” “Right, here comes the drunk guy. I’m pened and, I don’t why, I say, ‘Nothing, just He emptied his bottle, dropped it down the standing there watching Neto’s band, waiting to some drunk asshole who picked the wrong night side of the hill and took another from the pack. see if I’m gonna get a chance to sing ‘Cosmetic to snap.’ Neto runs out to the car with his keys, “The funny thing about the people in the middle ALVARADO JIMMY Christ’ again like at their last couple of gigs. All gives them to Dennis and tells him the cops are is that they’re always talking a mean talk, trying of a sudden someone crashes full-on into me coming and he’ll meet us in the alley behind the to make everyone think they’re like these crazy from behind and lands on his back right in front car wash. He keeps looking over at me and say- fuckers that enjoy beating people up. I won’t of me. I look down and see this big fucker that’s ing ‘you crazy little fucker’ over and over. Man, even begin trying to explain why they’re like at least twice my age, laid out with an empty I didn’t know that Gremlin could move that that, because it really ain’t all that important. plastic cup still in his hand. I’m thinkin’, no fast.” What is important is how they feel inside. They harm, no foul, right? He’s on his ass, I’m cool, “Dennis said he was pretty freaked out,” hate having to deal with all the fighting drama, and he didn’t mean anything by it, so I reach Nacho said, polishing off his last taco. “I think all the hurt feelings and the guilt, and wish they down and help him out. When I get him up, he you scared the shit out of a lot of people that could live like the ones who feel there’s no jus- looks at me with these glazed, red eyes and says, night.” tification for fighting over anything.” ‘Pardon me, little boy.’ “And, see, that was the weird part,” I said. “I’m one of those in the middle,” I said, tak- “I just stood there for a second, stunned, “Later on, when everybody met up in the alley, ing a drink. unable to think of anything to say,” I said. “Then all of a sudden I’m getting mad respect from “Yes, you are, and so am I,” he said. I notice this smell and I start thinking about the everyone, even Neto, who’s still laughing and “But I always thought you kinda liked fight- time the freezer in our garage broke down and telling me ‘you crazy little fucker’ but ain’t hit- ing, Nacho. You do it enough.” we didn’t know it for a couple of weeks. My ting me with ‘little fuckin’ mocoso’ caps like “Hate it,” he said. “Fucking loathe it. But the mom had gone out to get one of the packages of usual. They’re all going on about how that punk reason that most of us fight is because of exact- meat she stored in there and came back in with deserved it for messing with one of the boys. All ly that: reasons. There’s so many to fight over. this funny look on her face. She told Dennis and these guys who, although they’re friends, never Some people don’t even need a good reason to me that the freezer was broken and that we had really paid much attention to me before are sud- go off, but they feel that need; they indulge it to clear it out before the repairman came, so we denly treating me like I’m a fuckin’ celebrity.” and then feel like shit later.” went out there with a bucket and some sponges. “Yeah, you’re getting into chingazos has “Where do you find so many reasons?” I I opened the freezer door. Have you ever become the talk of the town, Dopey. You han- asked. “Seems like every week you end up in smelled rotting meat before? It’s a really sweet dled your business without running and hiding some shit with somebody.” smell, so sweet it makes you want to vomit. I got behind your big brother. That shows you’re “There’s only ever been one for me,” he blasted in the face by this smell when I opened becoming your own man, one that deserves said. “You know things were really bad when I the door and I tried to hold my breath, but the respect from his peers.” was a kid, right? My father was one of those ass- smell only got worse, like it was making its way We shared the tacos I hadn’t touched and left holes that got his kicks from hurting other peo- through my skin or something. I ran round the Avalo’s. Nacho picked up a six-pack from Eva’s ple. He loved it. And he’d always get away with side of the garage and threw up everything I had Liquor next door. We hopped into his old it, you know? All the shit he put us through, all in my stomach and, a few seconds later, Dennis Mustang and drove around for a while, cranking the times the pigs showed up at our house, and was right next to me. I never forgot that smell some Minor Threat, before finally ending up by not once did anything ever happen to him. When and, I swear, that’s what I was smelled that the water tower up the hill off of Rowan Avenue my mother finally got sick of his shit and we night. as night was settling in. We got out, he placed left, he got to go on doing what he like to “Soon enough I realize that what I’m the sixer on the hood and pulled two out, hand- whomever he liked, completely unaffected and smelling is not rancid meat, but this drunk fuck’s ing me one. I looked at him, surprised. He’d we ended up completely fucked up. It wasn’t breath, mixed in with cheap cologne and stale never offered me so much as a drink before. fair. Marlboros. I’m thinking about that bartender “Just this once I think it’ll be all right,” he “Remember Richard, that guy Dennis and I who fucks with me every time I go to that club. said when he saw the look on my face. “I won’t were friends with in the eighth grade? He was a I’m thinking how no one takes me seriously tell your mom, tough guy.” really nice guy, smart, shy. But 21 even back then it was pretty obvious that home- quakes and hurricanes, so when a disaster hap- stormed off. Nacho ran over to the girl, helped boy was gay. I mean, he wasn’t prancing around pens, there’s all these people running around, her off of the floor and walked her over to the in furs and makeup like some bullshit queen apologizing for being angry. Here, people like bar, where he got a damp bar towel. stereotype or anything, but it was clear that he that get swallowed whole. I wish things could be According to the bartender, the boyfriend was not a football-and-chicks kinda guy. Me and another way, but they are what they are. And came back and saw Nacho, who was trying to Dennis didn’t care, you know? He was funny although I may not be able to change the world, stop the blood that was pouring out of the girl’s and drew his own comics, and that’s an impor- I can change the world around me.” face. He grabbed Nacho’s shoulder and spun tant skill when you’re thirteen, so we liked hang- “Do you think my reason was a good one, him around, yelling, “What the fuck are you
ing around with him. Anyway, one Monday Nacho?” doing?” at him. ALVARADO JIMMY Richard didn’t come to school. Turned out that “Only you can judge the reasons why you do And that was it. Before the bartender or any- nine or ten guys jumped him after school the what you do, Dopey. How do you feel about it?” one else could react, Nacho was on the floor, Friday before. They broke his teeth out on a “I think I snapped,” I said. “No doubt that bleeding to death with three stab wounds in his curb, opened his head with a pipe and just left drunk guy had an ass kicking coming to him, but chest and one in his neck. The girl and her him lying there in his own blood. He never came I don’t think my reasons had anything to do with boyfriend were long gone before the pigs back to school and we never saw him again. him, and I guess that’s why I feel like shit.” showed up and, aside from the bartender, there Everyone knew who did it, but, of course, no “Then you need to learn to put your anger in were no witnesses. one was gonna tell on them. They were gonna check, to know what you’re willing to fight for, The night Dennis called to let me know what get away with it, and it was fucked. So I thought and understand the danger that every fight puts happened, I grabbed a sixer from my refrigera- about how screwed up and unfair the world was, you in. Going off once too often could get you tor, hopped into my car and headed for City how it eats up the weak and figured, if the world killed, and I’d miss that ugly face of yours.” Terrace. I drove the twisted roads through the ain’t gonna make things right, fuck it, I will. He finished off the last beer and tossed the hills, eventually pulling over by the side of the “The next day I showed up at school wear- empty bottle down the hill with the others we’d cliff and putting the sixer of beer on the hood, ing one of my mom’s dresses. Dennis looked at already downed. It was still early and the boys pulling one out and cracking it open. I drank me like I’m fucking nuts, but he figured out would be just getting started in the alley, so we deep and looked out towards the west. As I stood what was up pretty quick. First fucker that hopped in the Mustang. On the stereo, the under the water tower, watching the city lights comes up talking shit, BOOM, I clock him Adolescents were hating children and through twinkling below me, I thought about the night square in the face. His homeboy moved up and, the open window I could feel the heat creeping Nacho and I drank our first beer together, the BOOM, he’s on his ass, too. I never even made into the night air. Summer was coming. As we first of what would be many over the years. I it into the building. Teacher grabbed me from cruised through the hills on our way to the alley, thought about the fight I’d had so long ago and behind and, like that, I’m expelled. A few years I looked over at Nacho, who looked back at me the conversation he and I had about it in this later I passed the GED, but I never went back to and smiled. same spot. school. I emptied the bottle, dropped it down the “I guess I’m wearing my reason,” he said. As he was watching a band at a gig four side of the hill and took another from the pack. “It gives me the opportunity to teach the pricks years later, Nacho noticed a girl and her As I took my first drink from the second bottle, of the world to reassess who they think is an boyfriend arguing over by the bar. The guy I pictured him in that dark blue muumuu and easy mark. Some cultures teach their children looked like he was screaming at the top of his began to cry. that hitting someone else is bad. Really. They lungs and waving his arms around. Suddenly, he –Jimmy Alvarado tell them that anger causes things like earth- reached back, nailed the girl in the face and YY LLEE AAAA WW RSAATTIIOONNSS SS SWWIINNGGIINNGG DDOOOORR CCOONNVVEERS HH S TT SSEE
form. Yes, wand twirlers, dancers, a large horn Gras. There’s the forty some odd parades going The Mardi Gras Mambo section, drummers, even a couple of guys on on all over the city for two straight weeks. There unicycles. Cars passed by, slowed down, looked are the Black Mardi Gras Indians who come Nine in the morning on Fat Tuesday. The over, and I could only imagine what was going wearing amazing, radiant costumes that weigh image standing before me in the mirror was through their mind as they headed to work at that over a hundred pounds and take months to make. hardly recognizable. My entire face and neck insane hour. And I only know a small ounce of what Mardi was painted in red and black. A mask the same The march started off and crossed over into Gras is all about. I’ve seen countless pictures colors covered my eyes. My lips were coated in the Marigny, an old New Orleans neighborhood from past Mardi Gras, but being a part of the a deep purple. A straw hat with a fuchsia boa outside of the French Quarter. There was no experience is an entirely different thing. The glued to it sat atop my head. Fishnet stockings music yet; just the clicking of shoes echoing thought that comes to my mind after going covered my arms. A blood-red nylon Van Raalte along empty streets. through my first Mardi Gras is simply, a fantas- nighty clung to my skinny bones. “Come on I want to hear some damn tic releasing of the soul. I poured a quart of gin and tonic into a plas- music!” I screamed. I ran up to my friend Often when I see people dance – and New tic jug and walked out the front door. The sky Bernard who was in the trumpet section. Orleans has its own particular dance that I can’t was overcast and colder than I expected, and the “What’s the deal Bernard?” even begin to try to put words to – I get this feel- little gusts of wind that blew underneath the “Not yet, got to wait.” ing that for a brief instance I’m witnessing free- dress gave me the chills. The rumor was that “Shit.” dom in its rawest form. And that’s what I see the there was going to be a torrential downpour at I brought the fifth of Jack to my lips and carnival season as: a wild, beautiful dance, an some point in the day. I think the high was sup- took a long sip. Then Emilin and I joined into an insane and wonderful celebration of the human posed to be fifty degrees. I’m gonna fuckin’ out of tune rendition of “Mardi Gras Mambo,” spirit. freeze my ass off, I thought. I took a big sip and providing our own horns and beats. We even got figured, hell, after half of this jug is gone I won’t some other drunks to join in. Graveyard shift The eve of Mardi Gras, on what is known as feel a thing. Ah yes, I was the slutty drag queen warehouse workers were standing along the curb Lundi Gras, I heard about some sort of gathering from hell about to embark upon my first Mardi as we paraded by. I offered the bottle of whiskey taking place in a large alleyway about a mile Gras… to them. A couple declined, looking over their from my house. I was told it involved people shoulders for their boss. One guy said, “Fuck it” getting in shopping carts and banging into each All right, I’m not ashamed to admit it: this and took a pull. I started to feel this weird, build- other. After nearly a year living in this city I’ve wasn’t the first time I’d worn the outfit. The pre- ing sensation swirling around in my blood as the stopped trying to understand anything that goes vious Friday a friend of mine asked me if I want- hour of twilight stood over me, the Quarter just on here; this place is just as mystifying as the ed to go to a party with her. I had to dress up blocks away, the late-night drunks from out of Mississippi River. I just go along with the flow though. You can’t go to a party during Mardi town stumbling out of the twenty-four-hour bars and see where it ends up. Gras season without dressing up. Or so I with no idea of what was about to hit them. Sad to say, no shopping carts were involved, thought. It started off with the hat and mask and We crossed over Esplanade and boom: the but instead, nestled between a couple of ware- SETH SWAALEY a couple of beers. By midnight I was drinking horns sang into the air the sounds of “Jukebox houses on a back street, I stumbled on something whiskey, and paint and woman’s clothing were Hero.” Ah yes, just to see the look on other peo- that can only be described as Mad Max meets involved. ple’s faces was worth it all. I couldn’t stop danc- Lord of the Flies meets cock-eyed acid circus. The two of us walked down a small alley- ing and hopping around. The sound of tribal drums echoed off of hun- way into a backyard and noticed that hardly any- The march finished off in Jackson Square dred-year-old steel walls. A midget with hands one at the party was dressed up. “Hah, now this and, as most of the people dispersed, I somehow where his arms should be was banging on a tam- is gonna’ be some fun.” managed to find myself in a lengthy discussion bourine. Circus punks with facial tattoos dressed An hour into the party and I was making out with a bum named Dimitri who told me that he in a fantastic blending of wild costumes and col- with some girl who told me she was married but was an artist. He’d done pornographic stamp art ors were dancing and stomping chaotically as thought I was absolutely adorable. Shortly after- for magazines like Hustler and Penthouse. If I the drums built up. People screaming out war wards I had a full crowd singing “Happy went into Larry Flint’s office I’d see two of his cries… a girl twirling a hula-hoop engulfed in Birthday” to Rosy, an older black neighborhood pictures framed sitting on the wall. Now he was flames around her body… a fat clown with a tutu woman who didn’t know anyone there and had being commissioned to do some sort of Greek banging on a bass drum… fireworks and fire- somehow stumbled upon the party. “Everyone, epic painting. Whether any of what he was crackers shooting into the air. give it up for Rosy!” I shouted as I serenaded her telling me was true, I don’t know, and I didn’t At one point a cop came and told everyone and twirled her around in circles. Throughout really care to. New Orleans is a city drowning in they were making too much noise. And whereas the night, she kept asking me to hug her and kiss fiction; besides, where the hell does the truth in any other city there’d be a number of arrests her on the cheek and told me I was the only per- ever get us anyway? for “disturbing of the peace,” here it’s all fair son there she felt comfortable talking to. game. The cop can tell everyone to go, but that’s People who’ve never been to New Orleans about where it ends. So the crowd joined togeth- Then sometime around five in the morning have their own perception of what Mardi Gras er and marched down the street, blocking traffic, there was a large crowd out on St. Claude Ave. is. I’m sure hoards of drunken people on ignoring lights, jumping on top of taxi vans, My friend Emilin was stumbling around playing Bourbon St. screaming for beads, girls showing dancing in the middle of the street. Onlookers on a harmonica for the first time. Some woman their tits, that whole Girls Gone Wild bit, might were suddenly in the mix of the parade. wearing a leopard outfit came up to me and told be what comes to mind. I know that’s what I Down into the Quarter, workers came out of me I looked a lot better than her son, who was thought before I ever came down here. And the restaurants and joined alongside of us, across the street, wearing a red dress. Suddenly while these are aspects of the holiday, there’s so yelling out “Yeah, yeah!” Defiantly splitting situated on the center divider was a marching much more going on that one has to really live through the mass of frat boys and plastic band of about fifty, in full uni- 24 here to get any sense of the true spirit of Mardi princesses that infest Bourbon Street, I heard someone say, “Jesus, these people fuckin’ flowered nightgowns waving from their porch- manly voice. As I parade down the street I hear stink!” Back to Jackson Square and for hours, es. The tourists in plain clothes, with their cam- him say to his mom, “I thought that was a drums and dance and this overwhelmingly good eras out, awestruck, “Shit, hunny, we’re a long woman!” feeling; you’d have to be absolutely devoid of way from Nebraska.” I read the lips of one man Stumbling through the French Quarter, a human emotion not to move your limbs and saying, “This is fucking amazing.” pile of colorful beads cascading from balconies smile. I’ve been to parades, I’ve been to crazy and choking me around the neck, one of my
New Orleans is a city drowning in fiction; besides, where the hell does the truth ever get us anyway? SETH SWAALEY punk rock shows, I’ve dress straps now bro- been to wild parties, but ken, my left nipple I’d never been a part of exposed. “You hairy anything even close to slut,” people say joking- resembling this. ly as they walk by. On Frenchman Street where So here I was, still people have overtaken standing after two the street, drums blar- weeks of parades and ing, music every which mayhem, on the final way, cars attempt to get day of Mardi Gras. through as I do a freaky Tomorrow Ash kangaroo dance to every Wednesday would be one of them. Something upon us, a day of black about the guy wearing a foreheads, fasting, dress thing works out in repentance, but today my favor because it was ours. seems like every hour As the popular I’m making out with a parades went on different girl. I come to Uptown I was more the conclusion that interested in being with every girl likes a Queen. the people in my neigh- One hippie chick even borhood. I walked down comes up to me and the street looking for the asks me if she can suck St. Anne’s parade. on my nipple. How can Every couple of blocks I say no? Being the gen- someone would poke tleman that I am, I their head out from the return her the favor. A screen door, laugh and girl dressed in bananas then yell, “Happy Mardi takes out a vibrator and Gras!” Other than that, sticks it in between my the streets were relative- legs. She yells out, “I’m ly quiet, but you had this Banana Woman!” Ha feeling you were about ha, yes, it’s a day for to walk into something perverseness and insan- big. At one point I came ity and doing all the across a group of about things we’d probably ten young Japanese men get locked up for any wearing dresses on a other time of the year corner that looked com- and I’m loving every pletely lost. A few of minute of it. them had trumpets. “Oh, you guys look Twelve hours great,” said one woman, after I’d first stepped “but the parade already out of my house I start- started. Go over to ed to run out of gas. Royal and Franklin.” Every muscle in my I followed them a few more blocks and illustration by tom wrenn body was sore and I came to the realization that found the masses spanning at least four or five I hadn’t eaten all day. By this time the crowds blocks long. Every soul wearing a costume. I’m full of gin dancing the whole way, into had considerably thinned out. They were proba- There was the man dressed as the Mars Rover. the Quarter, the two miles up to Canal Street, the bly still going strong down in the Quarter, but I A man with a George Bush mask with flames streets packed as the Zulu parade goes by and decided it’d be best to call it a night. I’d had attached to his suit. Alongside of him, Dick the crowds scream for beads. Tourists ask to about as good of a Mardi Gras as I could expect. Cheney kicking an inflatable ball of the world. take pictures with us. I see the Japanese kids I stumbled the thirty blocks back home and Egyptian drag queens. A gay couple holding again and ask if they’ve heard of Snuffy Smile passed out on my couch with the dress and mask balloons that read “Just Married.” Wonder records. I tell them how I was in Japan once still on. And although I don’t have any plans of Woman. Elvis. Skeletons. Geishas. A naked with a punk band. They have no idea what I’m delving into the cross-dressing business, I have woman’s entire body doused in blue paint and saying so I yell out, “Biru mo ipon onegai shi- to admit, when I walked outside the following glitter. A brass band in the center of it all play- masu!” (“Please bring me another beer!”) Then morning without the mask on, there was a part ing “I’m Walking.” Crowds of people on the I’m on my way. I see one young boy looking at of me that felt a bit naked. sidewalks, dangling over balconies, screaming me curiously, as if he can’t quite figure the cos- –Seth Swaaley and singing. Old, frail women dressed in their tume out. “Hey boy!” I say to him in a gruff, 25 LLLL EE SWW RRS CCAA IDEE TTHHEE DDOOGG AA MMOONNKKEEYY TTOO RRID AANN SSEE
Exene twirled and spun around like she wanted to be some kind of punk rock Stevie Nicks. Clearly she didn’t realize what a contradiction it is to be a punk rock Stevie Nicks. Beer and Lying in High Society “Sure,” I said, having no idea what I was answered Tony’s questions and then asked him agreeing to. about a hundred questions about the Adolescents There I was, bombed out of my trick, blath- When I got home, I played the Adolescents and the Adz and about that crappy move SLC ering something into a microphone about porn blue album for the ten thousandth time and Punk using the Adolescents’ song “Amoeba.” stars and premature ejaculation and people with looked into what Beatfest was. From what I Tony was patient and chatted about all that stuff carrots up their asses. It was one of those beau- gathered, it was a grouping of LA bands and with me. It was one of those cool moments when tifully ugly moments when I felt like a fool and writers that would take place on two stages over I couldn’t be star struck by the singer of a band an imposter and a guy on top of the world. And the course of three nights. The big stage featured that meant so much to me because the singer of the bizarre thing was, I was supposed to be there. acts like Dee Dee Ramone, Steve Earle, and X. that band refused to act like a star. And now he I was one of the opening acts for X. The smaller stage featured a bunch of writers was giving me the opportunity to showcase my Now, your first question, or at least the first who you’ve probably never heard of, and a writing to hundreds of people at an X show. question everyone I tell the story to asks is, “X? bunch of people who you have heard of, but who How could I say no? The X?” The answer is, yes, the X from Los probably aren’t writers, all of whom were doing So Jim and I had to figure out how we were Angeles. The band that we all saw giving each some form of spoken word. I figured that Ruland gonna handle this situation. First, we did what other bad tattoos and talking like they were the and I would get ten minutes each on the small Ruland and I do when left to our own devices: king shits in Decline of Western Civilization. stage, and that was good enough for me. I quit we hung out, listened to music, and drank a The X who did “Johnny Hit and Run Pauline” looking into Beatfest and turned up the stereo. whole lot of beer. When the first twelve-pack ran and “White Girl” and “Sex and Dying in High A few days later, Tony called Ruland. As it out, we bought more. We drank until a nice haze Society.” Exene Cervenka. John Doe. Billy turned out, Tony had tried to get us onto the settled in. Somewhere during that haze, I told Zoom. DJ Bonebreak. That X. small stage, but he wasn’t able to. No worries, Ruland about this weird package I’d gotten in If you know me, then your second question though. He got us onto the big stage for the the mail from a friend of mine, Jason Willis. is, “But dude, you’re not in a band. What the Friday night show, instead. Ruland and I would Jason works in an internet porn company, fuck were you doing opening for X?” go on after the Starvations and before the Adz. X and the company he used to work for had bought Therein lies our story. would headline. We’d have five minutes each to out another porn company, and therefore, they read something. “Would that be cool?” Tony got that other company’s office supplies. So A few weeks earlier, I’d opened up for Tony asked. while Jason and his co-workers were raiding this from the Adolescents, but in a different context. “That sounds great,” Ruland said, because defunct company’s offices, Jason came across a Someone had started a new spoken word series he was lying out his fucking ass. box of letters that guys had written to women in over in West Hollywood, and they were inviting The thing is, what Jim knew and what I porn. The letters were seriously depraved. The a bunch of old LA punk rockers to do spoken knew was that only one thing flies on the stage guys genuinely thought that, if you simply write word performances. Tony seemed like a no- of a punk rock show, and that’s a punk rock a good enough letter to a porn star, she will have brainer choice to grace that stage. And Tony, band. I’ve been to thousands of shows over the sex with you. So they wrote their love letters. being the good guy he is, shared the stage with a course of decades and I’ve seen people try all And the porn stars never opened them. They left couple of local writers: me and Jim “Money” kinds of shit between bands at shows. I’ve seen them in a box in an office. No one touched the Ruland. The whole night was a pretty cool setup. someone try to show an independent film, and box until Jason came across it. At which point, It was a nice bar with a cool little stage and a few I’ve seen that movie screen get splattered in Jason and his friends got a good laugh at these free drinks for the folks who were reading. I got beer. I’ve seen the makeshift punk stand up act guys’ expense. Actually, everyone who read the a chance to get up on that stage and tell a story who had to re-write his material so that his letters seemed to go through the same stages: for and sell a couple of books. Ruland got a chance whole comedy routine is nothing more than the first dozen letters, they laughed at the guys to do the same. Everyone seemed to laugh at the dealing with hecklers. I’ve seen spoken word who wrote the letters; for the next dozen letters, times when I hoped they would. We all had fun. acts get it the worst. I’ve come to respect that the they sympathized – or pitied, even – the letter And, as a topper for the evening, we all got to time between bands at a punk show as a sacred writers, as in, “Holy shit, this poor fucker is a listen to Tony tell us a bunch of rad stories not time: a fifteen minute break for punkers to piss thirty-five-year-old virgin who thinks he can only from the heyday of early LA punk rock, but and buy beer and say, “Man, those guys sucked have sex with a porn actress. How bad must his right up to the present day. It was cool to see live,” and do whatever else it is that recharges life suck?”; and, after another dozen letters, they how Tony patched the two scenes together, cool them. So if we took the stage between the go back to laughing, as in, “Dude, it’s his own
SEAN CARSWELL SEAN to see one of the LA punk pioneers show how Starvations and the ADZ and tried to read short fault he’s a thirty-five-year-old virgin. If he can’t the underground keeps going and keeps grow- stories, we’d get heckled and booed and other- figure out that dirty words written to a porn star ing. Tony ended it up with a story about some- wise humiliated. aren’t gonna solve his problems, then I can have thing that had happened to him while his band But there was another thing, and it was this: a guilt-free laugh at his expense.” was touring with Electric Frankenstein, and his Tony from the Adolescents offered this opportu- The next morning, I emerged from the story was so sad and hopeful that it damn near nity to us. I can’t speak for Jim here, but I feel drunken haze to realize that the letters to porn broke my heart. like, when someone puts something out into this stars were my key to getting through this open- It was my kind of night. world that’s so close to perfect – like that ing gig for X. The letters would slide me into Afterwards, Tony seemed pretty excited. He Adolescents blue album – and then they ask you that nice gray area where there are exceptions to said to Ruland and me, “I’d like to get you guys to do something, you owe them. And it goes rules, where you realize that the one thing in on the Beatfest that’s coming up in a couple of deeper than that. The first time I spoke to Tony, besides punk rock that will fly at a punk rock weeks. Would you be interested?” he’d called up Razorcake HQ with some ques- show is a dirty joke. So I made up a story about 26 tions for Todd. Since Todd wasn’t around, I how, when we started Razorcake, we rented a PO Box that used to belong to a porno maga- and me. A big curtain closed at the front of the album. I have Wild Gift. I’ve listened to them zine, and we got all these crazy letters to porn stage. The Starvations started breaking down hundreds, if not thousands of times. There was a stars. I picked out my favorite letters: the one behind the curtain. The Adz waited to set up point in my life when those albums were my where the guy asks the German porn star for her their equipment. The sound guy pulled two soundtrack. The songs from those albums bring opinions on the reunification of Germany; the microphones out in front of the curtain and told back all the feelings from the times when I one where the guy in prison talks about how, us to do our thing. Tony introduced us. I stepped couldn’t hear them enough. I listen to them and when he gets out, he’ll take the porn star horse- up to the mic. It was weird. The stage was six feel years melt away and remember faces and back riding on the shores of Marina del Rey feet high. Bouncers stood in front of me, poised things that I never think about anymore. I (which, as far as I can tell, has no “shores,” to protect me from any stage divers or teeny reserve those songs for special times when I because it’s a fucking marina, not a beach); the boppers who wanted to storm the stage. As if want to feel like I’m back in some long forgot- one about the middle aged virgin who’s saving that would happen. Literally hundreds of people ten era, hanging out with all the people I’ve long himself for the right porn star; the one since lost touch with. So seeing X that discusses how perfectly the pho- play was a pretty special thing for tographer caught the picture just as me. Until X took the stage, that is. Chloe’s tongue was about to touch They started with one of their Claire’s asshole, but before the tongue hits. I think it may have even been actually touched; and, of course, the “Johnny Hit and Run Pauline.” It was one about the guy with the carrot in one of my favorites, but they played his ass (and no, he wasn’t the Rhythm it a beat too slowly, and it wasn’t a Chicken). My plan was to tell my fast song to begin with. Exene story and have Jim read the letters in twirled and spun around like she between my discussion of the stages wanted to be some kind of punk rock of reading the letters. Stevie Nicks. Clearly she didn’t real- I called Jim with my plan. He ize what a contradiction it is to be a liked it. We decided to meet up at his punk rock Stevie Nicks. Billy Zoom apartment and practice reading the took his cool guitar pose from twen- piece. We did meet up at his apart- ty years earlier, but not like he was ment. We drank beer and listened to kid who thought he was cool. Like he music. When the first twelve-pack ran was an aging comedian performing a out, we bought more. Somewhere in Billy Zoom satire. I started drinking the haze of the second twelve-pack, faster. we decided that a.) we didn’t need any Four songs into the show, X fucking practice and b.) we should played “We’re Desperate.” I watched stop fooling ourselves and just buy a John Doe sing out that he was des- case to begin with. perate, and I should get used to it. And I thought, dude, I know that Before too long, Beatfest came you’ve been in over forty movies and around, and ready or not, Ruland and have a recurring role on a TV show. I packed up and headed out to it. You’re not desperate. You’re fucking Another fellow Razorcaker, Bradley loaded. Tickets for that very show Williams, lived across the street from were something like thirty bucks, and the venue, so we left early, headed out X was getting almost all that money. to Hollywood, and met up with And, at that moment, I felt like it Bradley. We drank more beer and told wasn’t just John Doe. It was all of the stories with Bradley and, shortly members of X who were ruining their before it was time for us to head to the own music for me. They were show, Bradley put on his own show destroying songs I used to love. They for us. He pulled out his washtub bass, were so far removed from the passion which is a broomstick stuck into a that inspired their songs that they round metal washtub, with a cord tied sounded like their own worst cover to the top of the broom stick and the band. I would’ve rather heard a cur- edge of the tub. Bradley put on a pair rent band like the Selby Tigers play
of gardening gloves so the cord an X song than hear X limp through SEAN CARSWELL wouldn’t tear up his fingers, and their own tunes. It just seemed so ripped through a song on the washtub fake. bass. It was too good. We made tony adolescent – righteous dude. And I realized that I wasn’t really Bradley play another. And another. It one to talk. After all, I’d faked my just felt right. The beer was cold. The songs milled around in front of me. I pulled my story way through a spoken word act. I skipped out on sounded good. We cheered Bradley on until out from my back pocket. I was so nervous and any attempts at honesty or depth and went for finally he said, “I can’t play no more. My hands had had so much to drink that I couldn’t read the the cheap joke. What I’d done had been far less are tore up.” words on the paper. No worries, though, because severe than becoming my own worst cover That meant it was time to go to the show. this always happens to me when I get up on a band, which is what X was doing to themselves. stage to do a reading, so I memorized my story Still, it made me realize that everyone becomes Tony seemed glad to see Ruland and me. He in advance. I laid in on my bullshit about how a bit of an imposter and everyone sells himself a showed us around the backstage area, which was these letters had mysteriously appeared in my little short when he gets on the stage. strangely free of beer, which didn’t matter PO Box. As I paused, Jim read about the prema- I walked out of the show before listening to because I had one in my hand anyway. He ture ejaculators and the marina cowboys. The X butcher another of their old tunes, thinking walked us by the room where the members of X crowd actually stopped to listen. Not the whole about Bradley’s washtub bass and about Tony’s were. There was a huge sign on the outside of crowd, but a lot of them. Literally hundreds of Electric Frankenstien tour story and all the tales the door that told anyone and everyone to not them. They laughed at all the dick and ass jokes. that Ruland and I swapped as we swilled our disturb the band. It seemed excessive, seeing as It was pretty sweet: one of those moments when way through twelve packs, because that’s the how there was no one backstage to except I was somewhere between a fool and king. stuff of real life. That’s the shit that means some- Ruland, Tony, and me, and we were more than Ruland seemed to dig it, too. thing. And all this business on a big stage content to just disturb each other. After we finished up, the Adz played a pret- with hundreds of fans: it’s just a diversion. After a few minutes, the Starvations ty fucking awesome set, and then it was time for –Sean Carswell wrapped up their set and it was time for Ruland X. Now, I’m like you. I have X’s Los Angeles 27 RR AA UU DWW RRD OUU?? AA WWHHOO AARREE YYO NN
The Evaporators Ripple Rock West Coast Tour Diary 2004
Left: (background) The Evaporators: David Carswell: guitar, vocals • John Collins: bass • Scott Livingstone: drums • Nardwuar: vocals, organ • (foreground with arrow to head) David Lanois. Right: Carrie Sleater-Kinney Most bands, when they go out –Love, Christeen Aebi (Canada in person (he had been receiving like, uh, Ontario feeds off of on tour, compile some sort of a tour Jones Jett), Portland, OR my comic book, Super Shark in the Niagara Falls. (Sorry. I’m stretch- diary. We Evaporators are no differ- mail for a couple of years). The ing for metaphors here. Like most ent; although, all we write down is Jan. 23rd, 2004, 904 Gilman band members were all friendly. of us ignoramii, I don’t know much what we eat! In order to fill in the Street, Berkeley, California What else can I say but Canadian about the Canadizuuh.) It was mar- gaps of what actually happened, we rock and Canadian rockers rule! Oh velous to hear Nardwuar’s most have asked our friends, tourmates, The Evaporators, along with yeah, I saw the girl in the middle of verbose set-ups for each song and various audience members to System and Station, Clarendon this picture during the show and before they played ‘em. say a few words. Hills, Harold Ray Live in Concert, wondered if she was Carrie from In LA, we played in an aptly and the Rock N Roll Adventure Sleater-Kinney. Now, after seeing named venue called The Smell. It Jan. 21, 2004, Twilight Kids put on a great show. Nardwuar this picture, I am almost convinced was in skid row, and we weren’t Lounge, Portland, Oregon gave history lessons between songs, it is. I hope all is well. –Caw-ruff, sure we had the right place! Thee had a couple of audience members caw-ruff, Robert A. Medeiros, Goblins from Canada were fantas- “Stay Awake All Night” was the hold his microphone during one www.supershark.net, SF, CA tic, and the Nardwuar vids were theme song for the Evaporators’ song while he sang into it, had the amazing. The crowd didn’t know unholy hootenanny in Portland. audience hold him and his key- Multiple Reflections, from what to make of us. It was awk- That’s booking guy Dave Twilight board up over their heads while he Harold Ray Live in Concert ward. The Evaporators, using their at the far right, with Pat from the played, and had the audience hold supernatural powers, were able to PDX band The High and the hands and skip around and around WOW! What an honor to have crack this tough nut of a crowd. Mighty on the other side of me, in a circle. During the last song, he shared the stage with the Spaceland in Silverlake was run Christeen Aebi (aka Canada Jones), had the whole place squat down Evaporators – doubtless, one of the with Swiss precision and, as the the one in the Stretch Marks t-shirt. (including me while I was video- most entertaining bands on the opening band, starting on official I got that shirt when I ordered their taping the show) and jump up at the planet. If we had the socialized time, we began playing to... uh... 7-inch through Maximum proper times in the song three health care that those wily two people. Literally. Two people. Rock’n’roll, when I was doing times. The rest of the band was Canadians have, one-third of the Thankfully, the crowd quickly scene reports in 1983 or so. The tight, both musically and during the band would’ve been admitted for amassed, and about five songs into Pointed Sticks flyer in back of us choreographed parts of the show. mild neck injuries, the byproduct of our set, a man enthusiastically emp- was given to me way back when, All and all, it’s what I would call a having been a human keyboard tied the currency from his wallet before I was allowed to go see complete, fun, great, professional, stand – ailments, that ultimately, onto the stage. Upon conclusion of bands like the Subhumans (B.C.) raw rock’n’roll show. I even got to were alleviated by the aural oint- our set, Nardwuar asked me: “DO and D.O.A. ‘Course, now I would interview Nardwuar (on the same ment that is The Evaporators. YOU KNOW WHO THAT KILL to see that lineup: Pointed videotape as the show) after the Who knew the crowd at 924 WAS?!” “No..?” “That was Daniel Sticks, the Wipers, and the infa- show. Nardwuar loved my ques- Gilman in San Francisco would’ve Lanois, the record producer!” mous Cleavers? Holy moly! I tions and told me that my research given a hoot about the Harold Ray Daniel produced U2, the mighty LOVE rock and roll. And Canada was great and that that was how he sound? It was the most receptive, Brian Eno, and many, many other
NARDWUAR THE HUMAN SERVIETTE rules, okay! Waiting for the beer to would interview himself. He, like energetic audience of the tour. The things. Charlie (sax player/HRLIC get cold... myself, was glad to finally meet up Evaporators fed off this energy, co-founder with me) went to talk to 28 him. As it turns out, Daniel enjoyed Nard vids on the big screen while I A Famous Producer DL: That’s great. Are you guys us, but he also was under the worked the merch table and scored Calls the Shots from L.A.? impression that we were impover- myself one of those highly-coveted JC: No, we’re from Vancouver! ished and Canadian, and he being Evaps tote bags in the process. A While we were loading some DL: Ah! You’re on tour! Quebecois, thought he’d kick down mighty fine time was had by all! gear into Spaceland in Silver Lake JC: Yep. a little charity for his fellow coun- On Monday, we reconvened for L.A., a middle-aged man parked his DL: How much do you guys make? trymen. The extra funny part? He eats at Philippe The Original, motorcycle in a conspicuous spot JC: Uh... not that much. I guess the thought he was throwing hundreds across from beautiful Union on the sidewalk and passed me on band is pulling in about a hundred of bucks at us, but it turned out to Station. The eternally delightful his way into the building. He exud- bucks a night on average. It’s really be $41. HAH! It still helped. Oh, Señor Amor added to our merry ed an air of confidence and his all- just kind of a hobby, not so much a the other funny part about playing band of discerning diners. As an black-leather look was very eye- way of earning income, but we’ve in Silverlake: We saw Ben Stiller at ongoing honorary member of The catching. He shot me a friendly been at it since high school and the 7-11. Evaporators and a participant in smile, which I returned. now we can’t stop. San Diego for us was a breath many a Tomahawk pig-out, I knew Later, Dave told me that the DL: How old are you? of fresh air – drunken hipsters, just I had to provide my boys with a famous Canadian musician/produc- JC: I’m thirty-five. But it’s not the dying to shake their handsomely legendary local dining experience. er Daniel Lanois was somewhere in only thing I do. I’m a record pro- preened booties. It was awesome. Philippe The Original has been the bar and I realized that he was ducer, too! Props to the Licorice Quartet and serving up the French dip for the dude on the bike! Now, I’m not DL: Like me! the Viewmasters. I crave San almost 100 years, claiming to have really a star chaser. I’m a little shy JC: Yes! And I’m also in another Diego-style Mexican food. invented this tasty treat when a beef around new people and I rarely just band that is a bit more of a money Mmmmmmmmmh. sandwich accidentally fell into a vat barge up to people who don’t know earner. We’re called the New Thee Parkside was our home- of soup! me and try to engage them in con- Pornographers. Maybe you’ve coming. We love Thee Parkside. About two miles away, on skid versation, particularly rich and heard of us? Thee Parkside loves us. Thee row, Cole’s Buffet also claims to famous people. DL: That’s great! Parkside loves The Evaporators. It have invented the French dip sand- But I’m an engineer/producer JC: Maybe you’ve heard of the was a love-fest. wich and the owner will kick your myself and so is Dave, and I’d have lady who sings with us: Neko Can’t wait to see these guys ass if you dare even whisper the to admit that since the early eighties Case? She has like a country career again in Austin! We can’t wait to word “Philippe” in there! As some- I’ve been impressed over and over too. play in Vancouver with them some one who’s sampled the wares at again by Mr. Lanois’ work. It was DL: I don’t know... day! –Cheers, Jack, Harold Ray both establishments, I can’t say people like him and Brian Eno and JC: Actually, my partner Dave and Live in Concert which is the true original originator, Steve Lilywhite who really got me I are going to be working as pro- NARDWUAR THE HUMAN SERVIETTE
The entire gang at Thee Parkside • Nardwuar Vs. In-n-Out
Eat at Phillipe’s but I can tell you that Philippe’s fired up about producing pop music ducers on a project in a month or so food is most delicious. After your when I was a teen. So I thought to with a couple of Canadian twin Whenever Nard, Dave, John French dip (cheese: twenty-five myself, he’s at my show and he singing ladies who are really great and Scott come to town, this is the cents extra), try the banana cream isn’t even talking to anyone right and it’s going to be kind of a big, agenda: RAWK and EATS. On pie (mmmmm!) and then weigh now; maybe he’d even like some legitimate deal. I mean they’re on Saturday night, Thee Goblins, yourself on the old-fashioned scale! company. So I made my move. Vapor, Neil Young’s Label. Dublins, and Evaporators Gained five pounds? Yep, I thought I went up to the poolroom/ DL: Oh. Have you ever had some- RAWKED The Smell like nobody’s so. After lunch, we enjoyed a lounge when he was sitting and thing really explode? business! The kids were chanting leisurely stroll through the charm- shook his hand. I will attempt to re- JC: I guess the New Pornographers along to “United Empire Loyalists” ing Mexican marketplace at Olvera create some of our conversation: have sold over fifty thousand. (“Civil War! Not Rev-o-luuuu- Street, site of the first settlement in DL: I mean really blow up. tion!”) and the sneaky costume what we now know as The City of JC: Are you Daniel Lanois? JC: No. change blew everyone’s mind! The Angels. Nardwuar and Senior DL: Yes. JC: I’m not bothering you am I? I Smell is located behind a mysteri- Amor bought matching scorpion JC: My name’s John. I just thought mean, do you mind talking? ous Japanese movie theater in the belt buckles. Sooooo sexy! And I’d come and say hello. I’m a fan of DL: Oh no. You’re not bothering heart of downtown LA with the don’t forget, we always take two!!!! your work. me. world’s most articulate homeless –Lisa Marr, The Lisa Marr DL: Thank you. JC: Great. So, how come you’re people working the alley entrance- Experiment, Los Angeles, CA JC: Actually, I’m a musician and not in New Orleans? way. Mr. Paolo Davanzo of The my band the Evaporators is playing DL: Oh, I moved. It was time to Echo Park Film Center projected tonight. move on. JC: So you live in L.A.? top of Mexican eateries in DL: Not far from here. Berkeley. Plus, the Evaporators JC: Are you working on anything? took me out to lunch, which was DL: I’m always working on stuff. one of the nicest things an AT band JC: Your own stuff? Cool! has done for me. I thanked my DL: Yeah, it’s pretty heavy stuff. lucky stars that the Evaporators Really cutting edge... signed to Alternative Tentacles and that Juan’s makes those tortilla And with that, Daniel bolted to chips. –Maiko Hara, Alternative his feet. Going from neutral to Tentacles, San Francisco, CA overdrive, he went to the pair of people who were playing pool and Jan. 30, 2004 Java Jive, engaged them both, animatedly Tacoma, Oregon showing the woman, whose turn to shoot it was, how he thought she Tacoma was very lucky to see should play the next few shots. It at the Java Jive, the Spanish Castle was clear that he wanted to get in of Today, Thee Mighty Mighty on the next game with the winner Evaporators, featuring our hero, of that game and thusly put an end Nardwaur the Human Serviette, the to the boring part of his evening. Prime Minister of Canadian rock He was charming and a little weird and roll. It was a hell of a show, I and I didn’t feel too snubbed. tell ya’s all. That place was entirely Later that night I found out that meant for them. Of course, there he had watched our show and I were the Java Jive regulars – thought that was cool. I also found Ronson Family Switchblade and out that before I went up and talked yours truly, Rockin’ Rod with his to him, when Harold Ray Live band the Strychnines – who were were playing their set, Daniel told by the way, that after their set, walked up to the stage and dumped the name is now appropriate (We all the cash from his wallet at their played about four Sonics covers feet! So that explained a lot! When and two Sonic sound-alike songs). he asked me how old I was and It was a fun time had by all. Well, I how much we made every night, he gotta go back to listening to Ripple was just feeling my pain! Dumping Rock. Bye Bye. Doot Do Do Loot cash on the stage was a very con- Do, DOOT DOOT. – Rockin’ Rod crete show of support for the tour- and the Strychnines ing band. And they were playing NARDWUAR THE HUMAN SERVIETTE first and to a very small crowd. I Food Highlights overheard that he thought that they Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles were the Canadian band so he must (for the full list, email have been surprised when I told tion of the good old US of A with perfect time. I love these guys so [email protected]) him that we were from Vancouver. their song “United Empire much I can’t decide if I should Anyway, I hope I get another Loyalists.” They followed with a name my new puppy (a The Smell, Los Angeles, CA chance to talk to him some time, as delicious little homage to fromage Newfoundland of course) Scott, Banana and Cream Sandwich I’m anxious to hear all about that called “Addicted to Cheese.” John, Dave, or Nardwuar. I guess (Nard) “really cutting edge” stuff. –John Finally, they exalted our Great I’ll just have to wait a couple of Collins, The Evaporators President with the good-natured months to see which of their Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles, ribbing of “Cardboard Brains.” It’s dynamic personalities resonates in LA, CA Nardwuar Loves America safe to say the Evaporators thrilled him most. Keep on rockin’ in the 2 Waffles and Chicken (everyone) us all with their infectious “Ripple free world Evaporators! Los Angeles: The return of the Rock” and Roll! “I’m Your Hey did I mention that (I’ve Phillipe’s, LA, CA Evaporators is always something I Buddy,” indeed! got) Ice Wine in My Wine Cooler? Beef French Dip w/ American look forward to with the greatest of The next day, bonhomie DJ Oh Canada! –Jones, LA , CA Cheese, Coleslaw, Pickle, Banana anticipation. This year was no dif- Senor Amor, avant-garde artist Sara Cream Pie (Nard) ferent. As true Americans know, the Vidar and yours truly had the plea- Heaven in Fried Flour Tortillas events of 2003 have turned us into sure of accompanying the boys on a Der Kaiserhoff, San Diego, CA virtual saviors in the eyes of the tour though The City of the Angels. When the Evaporators stopped Paprika Meatball and Potato world on account of the Coalition We started with our traditional by the office and said they needed Wedges (Everyone!) Forces’ success in freeing the Iraqi “breakfast of champions” at to eat something substantial for people from the tyrannical dictator- Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. We their long haul to Tacoma, I knew Endnote 1 from Nardwuar: No gut ship of Saddam Hussein. take The Evaporators there every just the place – Juan’s, which is the bombs this time! Canadians, with their new year because everyone knows best Mexican joint in Berkeley, Endnote 2 from David Carswell: Prime Minister Paul Martin, are Canadians love soul food. How hands down. I knew that they I’d just like to say it’s “bean” about as grateful as they come. And ‘bout some more grits, Nard? appreciate good food (Roscoe’s, (pollo, porko) another great experi- so I imagined freedom-loving rock- Next on the agenda? Shopping! anyone?) so yes, Juan’s it was. ence eating our way down the west ers, The Evaporators, would sashay Jet Rag was having a sale and (Except with my California-ized coast. Maybe next time we’ll eat into Southern California singing Nardwuar picked out a groovy pronunciation, Nardwuar thought more seafood (thanks to Patrick in the praises of our peace-making shiny cowboy shirt. I don’t think he that we were going to “Wan’s.” So San Diego for the delicious lobster nation with a special Canadian trib- bought it. So, as the saying goes, please make sure to enunciate the tacos ). ute to America the beautiful. I was “Done, done, on to the next one!” J.) We partook in gigantor portions not disappointed. Wacko™ held a special surprise. of enchiladas and burritos, a pitch- –Nardwuar As I suspected, Nardwuar took Along side the unique gift ideas, er of beer, and – probably the most More pics at the stage adorned in an “Old one-of-a-kind Nardwuar the memorable of all – chips made www.nardwuar.com Glory” t-shirt (artfully intertwined Human Serviette found his double! from flour tortillas. Oh so tender, www.theevaporators.com with a Maple Leaf) and The And I’m not talkin’ Barney Rubble! crisp and flaky. These flour tortilla Evaporators launched into a lauda- It couldn’t have been a more chips definitely put Juan’s at the 33 BB RR IOO ø NN .. OI RBB EVV LLOOVVEE,, NNOR RRE
“REVEREND NØRB IS SITTING HERE WITH A 45 TAPED TO THE FRONT OF HIS GOOD’N’PLENTY SUIT AND HE STILL CAN’T FIND A RIDE HOME.”
Word! (now my computer just made that “st” into superscript. I find this border- line gay [in an asexual, computer sort of way, of course]. I like the little No, seriously, I got a new computer, and I’m typing this column in Word. red wavy lines under the misspelled words, however. Todd, could you see HEY! The blame thing is capitalizing all my lower-case I’s ! Who does your way clear to add red wavy lines here and there, for added visual stim- this thing think I’m not, e.e. cummings??? Fucker! Stop it! I hate you! ulation?). As the more grizzled old salts amongst ye might recall, April Doesn’t Isaac Asimov’s First Law of Robotics specifically preclude this Fools’ Day has a rather storied place in punk-mag-column-dom, courtesy type of monkeyshines from occurring??? There. I fixed it. I think. Or of Mykel Board’s legendary annual April Fools columns for MRR (Mykel, broke it, depending on your lifestyle. Now i have to think of a sentence of course, would probably bristle at the fact that i just referred to his April exhibiting my dominance over the robots! Ha! I did it! Word! i i i i i! i i i Fools columns as “legendary,” simply because that would imply that some i i i! Ha again! Man triumphs over machine! (i dunno exactly why it is i of his other columns and some of the other things he’s done in his life are never capitalize my i’s [unless i am quoting someone else, in which case slightly less legendary than the maximum possible legendariness. Heresy! i am capitalizing their I’s, i reckon]. I actually think it’s just because i kind Black treason!). You know, every year he’d write some wanged-out col- of like the dot on top. I am the Amazing and Dangerous Mr. Dot, and i umn about how he was gonna undergo plastic surgery to “make” him shall not be denied!!!) (actually, one of many brilliant ideas [which, as i’m “Asian,” or how he killed a skinhead with his bare hands in the bathroom sure you know, are legion] which never came to fruition [which, as i’m at Gilman Street, or how a girl shoved a carrot up his butt (wait... that last sure you know, is pretty much all of them] was to write, direct, and pro- one was true. Razorcake regrets the error) (actually, now that i think about duce a full-length musical about the life, times, trials and tribulations of a it, i once went out on a date with the girl who shoved the carrot up Mykel young letter Q and letter F, who found themselves kinda outcasts of more Board’s butt) (actually, now that i think about it some more, i once made decent members of society like E, R and S. I had some of the songs in my out with the girl who shoved the carrot up Mykel Board’s butt) (actually, head, but, naturally, i only remember the titles now [“Lonely Q (Without now that i’m really thinking about it, i once made out on my bed with the U)” and “I’m the F!” coming most immediately to mind] OH FUCK MY girl who shoved the carrot up Mykel Board’s butt... and sent her home SMOKE DETECTOR’S GOING OFF!!! ... yes, that’s right, this column shortly thereafter! What could i do? I was out of carrots, man! What am i is written in real time, by a real Reverend Nørb! Hey, here’s a little advice sposed to do, let her anally violate me with a celery stalk or something? for those of you who relentlessly turn to this column for all your advising “Sorry, baby... you hot and all, but i plumb outta carrots tonight!”) OH needs: If you have a big glass Groovie Ghoulies candle in your bathroom CHRIST NOW MY MOM’S HERE!!! What the fuck, start writing about [kinda like the ones it used to cost a buck-and-a-quarter donation to light girls shoving carrots up peoples asses and the Mom Radar kicks in. Quick! at St. Matthew’s in the ‘70s] that you occasionally light to mitigate the Turn on the fan! Wait! Wrong violation! ANYWAY! ANYWAY!! ANY- stench of your anal vapors because you’re too much of an airhead to WAY!!! In tribute to the legendary Mykel Board April Fools’ columns of remember to buy a new can of Wizard™, don’t get all cute and spit mouth- yore, i have decided that i, Rev. Nørb, will write an April Fools’ column wash in it to put it out. Mouthwash is, apparently, highly flammable!!! of my own. The Editor of this publication has “suggested” that writing an Inflammable Material swishing in my mouth!!! It’s a Suspect Device that’s April Fools’ column that will first see print in mid-May is, how you say, left two thousand south!!! Uh... where was i? Oh yeah, lower case i’s. “something other than brilliant” in nature. He has also pointed out that Well, anyway, the one line of the one song i do remember from my failed most extended attempts at parody in punk mags fail miserably because, I children’s alphanumeric rock opera was from the scene where Q and F simply put, you people reading this are all a bunch of fucking nincom-
N0RB {actually, i think Q might have spelled his name “q”, not “Q”... or am i poops who cannot be reasonably expected to “get it” due to your walnut-
. confusing him with the guy from James Bond?} sort of stumble across this sized brains and armored, spiky tails. The Man™ says it won’t play in the wild juke joint in the bad part of town, the song being titled “The Joint Is Midwest, man! The Man™ says you rubes are too dim to get hip to my Jumpin’ (with Lowercase j’s Tonight!),” where q and F would, of course, cerebral and highly sophisticated brand of button-down humor! I, Rev.
REV witness all manner of shocking, libidinous cavorting and dancing and car- Nørb, say “NERTS TO THE MAN™!” That’s right! Nerts to the powers- ryings-on perpetrated by a roadhouse populated almost exclusively by that-be!!! If Sludgeworth wants his Gobstopper™, then, by God, he’ll lowercase j’s {or, now, work with me on this one: Could one say have it!!! I (and, by extension, thee) shall press on, undaunted, with or “Lowercase J’s” when one is referring to j’s, since the lowercaseness of without the blessings of The Man™! THIS CAGE MATCH IS TOO VILE the J/j is explicit in the statement? Or is “Lowercase J” ((and, alternately, AND BARBARIC TO BE SANCTIONED BY ANY PROFESSIONAL “Capital j”)) an oxymoron? Or am i the oxymoron?? Hey, fuck you! Who WRESTLING ASSOCIATION, ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD!!! We shall kicked the robots’ asses for you??? MOI!!!}. ANYWAY! The one line of have our April Fools’ Column, and we shall do it in GRAND STYLE, as the entire project i remember is “lowercase j’s got hooks and got size / (in befits our latent greatency. THE APRIL FOOLS’ COLUMN SHALL BE faux-Eddie-Cochran-as-black-dude baritone) If we didn’t have hooks, ENACTED AS FOLLOWS: I will, forthwith, lay out a brief recap of we’d be lowercase i’s!” ... which, now that i look at it is APROPOS OF (what i remember of) this year’s SXSW Music Festival in Austin, unto NOTHING, AND WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS??? Oh, because i which Razorcake was represented with two duly laminated press agents thought the line had something to do with the dots on the tops of lower- (myself and Todd “The Man™” Taylor), one unduly unlaminated press case i’s and j’s. Which, apparently, it doesn’t. Well excuuuuuuuuuuuse me! agent (The Rockin’ Tobester), and Nardwuar was there too but we didn’t {Word says i should “consider revising” the “Which, apparently, it does- see him so for all we know it was one of the Nardwuar Robots, down from n’t” statement. Critical analysis from the robo-peanut gallery i asked for? the Fortress of Solitude for the weekend (in an unrelated note, the little There’s also a little cartoon of a computer with legs doing weird things to computer with feet which has, for no reason i am aware of, appeared in the itself in my monitor’s lower right-hand corner. I am beginning to fear for lower-right-hand corner of my monitor screen, suddenly had a huge yel- my personal safety! I’d better end these parentheses at once!!!}]) But, as i low lightbulb pop over its head when i typed the word “robot.” Whoa. It was saying, today is the deadline for columns: April 1st didn’t do it that time. Let me try capitalizing it: Robot. WHOA!!! When i 32 type “Robot” with a capital “R” – that is to say, as if i were typing a prop- er name – a lightbulb appears over the computer cartoon’s head and it the BZZZT! unlivable frigid wasteland that is Texas in the spring. looks at what i’m doing! It’s getting ideas! It’s getting ideas! This is Shivering with agonizing cold, fingers stiff as Popsicle™ sticks, we becoming legitimately unsettling!). I will start said essay in either A) April BZZZT! meet up with Rockin’ Tobester, who has kept it crunk by driving Fool’s mode, or B) Non-April Fool’s mode (the mode will be yours to in from Atlanta. As we head out of the airport, i see a road sign informing speculate upon). Since i am now, for the first time, typing a column in us we are less than 40 miles from La Grange. That is to say, “La Grange” Word™ (WORD!), i am under the (perhaps completely misguided) as in “how-how-how-how!” As in the ZZ Top song about the legendary assumption that, for once, my column will transmit over to Razorcake whorehouse located therein. As in “but I... might... be... mis-TAY-ken!!!” World Enterprises with italics and bolding intact. THEREFORE! I shall Needless to say BZZZT! Rev. Nørb certainly will have no truck with differentiate between April Fool’s Mode and Non-April Fool’s Mode by strumpets, and i frantically insist we turn the car around, lest we fall prey typing one mode in plain text, and the other in italics, because, as i under- to the siren song of cheap flooze and BZZZT! actually we were going the stand it, you are too much of a backwoods schmuck to understand what wrong way anyway, and we manage to navigate our way to our hosts’ i’m doing unless you are continually reminded of my intentions. Christ, i house without any further slattern-related incidents (possibly due to the can’t take you anywhere! To further alert you to my paradigm shifts of very effective landmark of a mattress spray-painted with a pentagram and April Fools’ Mode-itude, the plain text portions and italicized text por- “BEN’S HOUSE” propped up outside [very high style points for the pen- tions shall be separated by the buffer item of “BZZZT!”, which should tagram being done in blue and black, by the way. Fuck red. This is not serve to clue even the dimmest of wits that some manner of hijinx and your father’s Anti-Christ!]). Our hosts were Ben Snakepit, Ben Five-Way, tomfoolery is afoot (“hang down your and Nick Crack Pipe, who were the head Tom Foolery, hang down your BZZZT! biggest bunch of assholes head and cryyyy...”). I assure you that i’ve ever met in my life, continually it’s either this or listen to me babble urinated on us in our sleep, Ben-Ben- about the dots on the tops of i’s and j’s n-Nick, they’re so mean, put our boots for four pages. VERY WELL THEN! in the washing machine, put bub- With all undue fanfare, please wel- blegum in our food, shot us with buck- come the dimly lit memoir-lapse men shot when we were nude BZZZT! real- call... ly great guys, who put up with three viciously debauched yo-yos for far MY TRIP TO SXSW 2004 longer than duty would demand, and by little Revvie Nørb, age 6 for this we BZZZT! enact a curse to be levied against our hosts, their After a good night’s sleep, i caught my scions, the scions of their scions, the BZZZT! 5:30 AM flight to Texas (via scions of their scions’ scions BZZZT! Cincinnati), falling into a brief fit of does the Snake Pit comic book, which droolful slumber somewhere along i reckon stands to reason. Upon initial the way and arriving in Austin slight- exposure, my take on Snake Pit was ly before 11 AM, their time (which, that BZZZT! i loved the wacky, slap- oddly enough, is the same as my time. stick humor of it all BZZZT! a little Go figure). I have booked a flight at too cute or something, but, as one this ridiculous hour so that my arrival reads more and more strips (the whole from Wisconsin roughly coincides premise of the thing being that Ben with Todd’s arrival from California, does one autobiographical three-panel which he, initially, told me would be cartoon every day of his life [which, of r around 10 AM, local time. Shortly o course, is one of those ideas that every- l after my ticket purchase, Todd’s y one smacks themselves in the forehead a
T revised figures placed him at the for not thinking of themselves
d arrival gate at more like 1 PM, which, d {although, truth be told, i would never
o essentially, meant that i had booked a T be able to restrict myself to three pan- flight with a 5:30 AM departure time y els on some days and could never think b in order to sit in the bar in the Austin of three worthy panels for other days REV s
o airport and drink big frosted mugs of t of my life, plus i kind of hate three-
o BZZZT! carrot juice garnished with h panel comic strips on principle, simply p . celery stalks for two hours whilst because my favorite comic strip of all l
awaiting the Coming of the Todd. As i l time is Peanuts, and i always thought N0RB
a placidly munch my riboflavin and (above) The Bloody Hollies save Nørb’s that the downfall of the later years of I wheat germ, speculating only briefly reputation as a Rock Hipster the strip coincided with Charles on the potential orifices my carrot Schulz’s finally getting enough pull juice’s parent vegetables may or may not have been erotically inserted with his editors that he was no longer forced to use the four- panel format into and, ABOVE ALL, not noticing the underage bartender’s tight t-shirt ((they made him do Peanuts as a series of four square panels so they could and pert young breasts, i cannot help but notice that the outside world, either stack the four panels into a square or run them horizontally to fit the about one carrot-juice-mug-flung-through-an-airport-window away, spatial demands of whatever paper was running it)); i thought his switch- looks cold, harsh and uninviting – especially given the balmy March neo- ing from the classic four-panels to three panels ((or sometimes even one paradise-ical conditions i left behind in Wisconsin. Jeezus, i sure hope big panel, yuck)) completely ruined the pacing and timing he had so bril- Todd doesn’t show up any time soon; i sure the hell don’t wanna be going liantly honed for decades}]), it becomes almost impossible to put his stuff outside into THAT slop. The bartender reaches over and suggestively down. You read the last strip for the month, and you’re like FUCK! SHIT! BZZZT! passes me the remote for the bar TV. I channel surf for a few WHAT HAPPENS NEXT??? – and what happens next might only be him minutes. I decide that Texas needs to watch Sesame Street. Texas does not working at the video store and making noodles for dinner. BUT YOU react for a few seconds, until Texas realizes that Wisconsin has not mere- GOTTA KNOW!!! Anyway, we meet and greet our hosts, and all go out ly tangentially encountered Sesame Street whilst channel-flipping; for some of the BZZZT! worst BZZZT! Mexican food i’ve ever had in Wisconsin has legitimately turned the TV in the bar to Sesame Street and my life, then we sort of sit around drinking BZZZT! skim milk and eat- is leaving it there. (note: the preceding italics are not indicative of a ing alfalfa sprouts until BZZZT! we head downtown, so Todd and i can BZZZT-less April Fools’ Modal Shift, they are, in fact, mere italics). go get our mug shots taken for our handy-dandy SXSW Press Badges, TO Don’t look now, but i think I JUST MESSED WITH TEXAS. BZZZT! BE WORN ON LANYARDS (?) AROUND OUR NECKS (??) AT ALL Everyone applauds my choice of programming, and i make many new TIMES (???), EVEN DURING SEX (hypothetically) (!). As it is St. friends in the bar, none of whom angrily grab the remote to put on the Patrick’s Day, i wear my Star Trek™ uniform shirt – said shirt is blue, of 11:30 AM version of SportsCenter™ or some such fol-de-rol. Eventually, course, but a sage fool would realize that i am supposed to be Spock (ha! Todd’s plane arrives (fortunate, as i was sick of sipping carrot juice and And all this time you thought i was Christopher Pike!), who, in fact, car- ogling the bartender), BZZZT! we meet up, and mosey on outside into ries the GREEN blood of the Vulcan race in his veins. To 33 drive the gag home, i keep addressing Todd as “Captain,” which BZZZT! we mosey down the strip mall to a pizza joint that has the Ramones, doesn’t get old, no matter how many times i do it. We wind up sipping among other countercultural luminaries, painted on the wall. Some yappy chamomile tea at a place called BZZZT! Beerland, which will be the girl keeps coming over to us and being yappy, eventually asking if any of BZZZT! last of our scant trips there during the week, and BZZZT! i us want to play her in pool. Since she is very BZZZT! attractive and think we see the Ponys or someone, who feature that guy who used to pleasant, i accept. I win the game, as always, then we head out to have the brown guitar when he was in the Guilty Pleasures, and sound BZZZT! the Jackalope, i think, where i catch the last two songs of the kinda like Television or something, from what i remember (which isn’t Hentchmen, which does not satisfy my Hentchmen needs, but does allow much). As i observe the Rock Malarkey going on around me, i cannot me the opportunity to remind the band of the time the Hentchmen and help but notice a young and desirable Asian female leaning towards me, Boris played in Chicago, theoretically opening for the New Bomb Turks, eyeing up the press pass worn dutifully on the lanyard about my neck, as but the Turks never showed up, so we got all their money – an escapade required by law. THAT’S RIGHT, BABY!!! COME ON AND CHECK that always brings forth Pavlovian outpourings of love from all concerned OUT THE SCIENCE OFFICER!!! HAIL NO, MY PHONE NUMBER’S (save, likely, for the Turks themselves). The Demolition Doll Rods play a NOT ON MY PASS, BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU MY COMMUNICA- BZZZT! typically exciting and brief set, wowing me with their stunning TOR IS TUNED TO YOUR FREQUENCY 24/7!!! BABY, LET’S VIO- blend of zydeco, trance, and spoken word. I BZZZT! kind of want to say LATE THE PRIME DIRECTIVE!!! FAILING THAT, LET’S VIOLATE hey to Dan Kroha, since we were pen-pals of a sort for a while when he OTHER THINGS!!! VULCAN KIELBASA IS GOOD KIELBASA!!! was with the Gories. I do not recall if i accomplished this mission or not. ...after staring intently at my badge for quite some time, she apparently At some point in time, as i hunch over the bar, drinking my BZZZT! finds the informational nugget she had been looking for: “Press!” she warm milk with the occasional accompaniment of an oyster cracker or exclaims triumphantly, retrieving and then handing me a copy of her two, BZZZT! one of the dudes from the Mistreaters informs me that he band’s CD. “We are Japanese girls band! We play Saturday!” she blurts. has “heard” that, in the context of an FM Knives interview, i opined that All precincts are in: SOUTH BY SOUTHWEST IS THE GREATEST “Milwaukee discovered garage five years after everyone else.” I think MUSIC FESTIVAL IN THE FEDERATION!!! GOD BLESS ROCK- about this for a while. This sounds like something i would say. Probably WRITER-CREDENTIAL-DISPENSER ELIZABETH DERZCO AND ‘cause it’s true (not that i would be above saying such things merely to be ALL SHE STANDS FOR!!! I attempt to engage the dishy Japanese Girls an asshole, one of my various hobby interests). We debate the assertion Band representative in question in further airy persiflage, but the only for a while. Since, by that time, i am completely BZZZT! sober BZZZT! inbound message she appears programmed to accept is “PRESS;” her out- off my ass, i think the debate went something like this (all quotes approx- bound statements are limited to “We are Japanese Girls Band!” and “We imate): MISTREATER: I heard you said Milwaukee discovered garage play Saturday!” Darlin’, you had me at “Japanese!” The name of the band five years after everybody else. ME: I... uh... me... ahhh... once somebody is Gito Gito Hustler; their CD cover further restates the fact that they “are broke into my car at a Bucks game and took my Powerpuff Girls™ back- Japanase (sic) Girls Band!!”, fleshing the concept out with declarations pack. MISTREATER: ??? What the hell does that have to do with any- such as “All are produced for oneself itself!!” “I want to wonderful thing? ME: MY POWERPUFF GIRLS™ BACKPACK!!! MY BEAUTI- music!!” and “There is no border in music.” I take it back. You had me at FUL, BEAUTIFUL POWERPUFF GIRLS™ BACKPACK!!! OH MY “Hustler!” Needless to say, first and foremost on my mind is BZZZT! GAWD!!! THEY KILLED KENNY!!! BUTTERCUP!!! BUTTERCUP, getting away from Beerland, lest i be led into sin by some sultry, sloe-eyed WHY HAVE YOU DESERTED ME??? OH, MY POOR POWERPUFF vixen so i wind up BZZZT! somewhere else, where Vancouver’s Rotten GIRLS™ BACKPACK!!! Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!!! MIS- Apples are playing a set BZZZT! completely dominated by their drum- TREATER: Er, maybe we’ll call a truce here... ME: TRUCE??? mer, Heather Jane, whom, as a direct result of my Razorcake review of TRUCE??? THOSE BASTARDS STOLE MY POWERPUFF GIRLS™ their “Real-Tuff” CD, are now billed as “Heather Jane and the Rotten BACKPACK!!! WITH MY “THE KNACK IS BACK” T-SHIRT INSIDE Apples,” with the aforementioned Heather Jane now slamming the skins OF IT!!! MY POWERPUFF GIRLS™ BACKPACK!!! MY BEAUTI- from a 5-meter (16.5 foot) high drum riser loosely based on the gigantic FUL BEAUTIFUL POWERPUFF GIRLS™ BACKPACK!!! ...needless robotic tarantula from the “Wild Wild West” movie, as well as operating to say, i am pretty sure the guy walked away thinking that i was BZZZT! the rest of the instruments remotely via a series of robotic arms attached completely right in every regard due to my reasoned and well-worded to the periphery of her drum kit and operated by her mental command. argument, and will no doubt help spread my meticulously thought-out Former frontperson Dejha has now been reduced to dancing half-naked gospel to the unbelievers (but, then again, if he WERE right, that would in a small cage suspended to the left of the drum riser, performing vari- go a long ways towards explaining how, when the Devil Dogs played in I ous garish pantomime routines involving Astro Pops™ and bananas this neck of the woods, they played in Milwaukee, not Chicago and while surrounded by a host of loincloth-clad young men with Aston Madison, and how Teengenerate, when THEY were in this neck of the N0RB Kutcher haircuts. Following their eighth and final run-thru of “Spade,” i woods, played in Milwaukee, not Chicago and Madison and Green Bay,
. BZZZT! apparently find myself back at Beerland, where i BZZZT! can’t and how the Rip Offs, when THEY were up here, played in Milwaukee, not help but notice that everyone else in the bar has passed out. What on Chicago and Green Bay... i would continue, but can’t stand having my earth has befallen this lot of tawdry sots? Here i stand, veritably awash nose rubbed in my undeniable WRONGITUDE...). The next thing i know,
REV in alertness, and the rest of the world lies crumpled at my feet, as if they i’m BZZZT! back at Beerland, hunched over a 39-gallon plastic trash can had been mysteriously exposed to the narcolepsy-inducing sleepy-grass BZZZT! sober as a judge. Viewing the pathetic wretches around me vir- poppies from the “Wizard of Oz!” I stand alone, a tower of sobriety in a tually comatose by dint of strong drink, i decide that, much like Christ room filled with the insensate gas passings of comatose lushes! The door- Our Lord kindly sopped up mankind’s sins in perpetuity like a gigantic man, noticing my great alertness, suggests i stay for a round or two of sourdough biscuit of divine origin absorbing the country-style Gravy of shots, so BZZZT! i am apparently hauled home in disgrace by Todd and Affliction, i will selflessly stand over this huge plastic trash can and, due Rockin’ Tobester. I awake the next morning and, one three-liter room- to my incredible sobriety, will actually INHALE THE VOMIT OF OTH- temperature bottle of Diet Dr. B™ and a few rolls of Charmin™ later, i ERS into my own stomach. That’s right! Because Rev. Nørb so loved the am refreshed and ready to minister! This weekend marks the release of world, owing to his great sobriety, he bent over the Beerland trash can Gorsky Press-induced books from both Todd and Ben Snakepit, and, as and lovingly inhaled the puke of countless others, just so that mankind testimony to their greatness, there is a “Book Release Party” at a local (or, at the very least, Beerland-kind) could start anew with a clean slate! prerecorded music emporium, where Todd and Ben will address humans I, Rev. Nørb, shall bring Beerland-kind’s collective sins of excess upon my with oral recitations of their text, and Ben’s non-J Church band will rock own head, as i, like the Suburbs, have plenty of Credit In Heaven. I wake the nation like the first Montrose album (or something). Shows in record up the next morning in my natty blue sports coat, feeling chipper as all stores – hardly news. Shows in record stores revolving around book get-out, but somewhat soiled by stains inflicted by my inhaling the re- releases – rarer, but yet, not overly noteworthy. Shows in record stores ingested vomit of others. After a quick change of togs into BZZZT! my revolving around book releases with a free keg of beer in the corner – legendary Good’n’Plenty™ suit – which is, if nothing else, 100% puke- NOW we’re talkin’ man bites dog! Austin is so hoppin’ on this Thursday free! – we head back out to Beerland, to quaff more of the quinine water night that the book release show ISN’T EVEN THE ONLY SHOW for which it is named. I think we see Sweet J.A.P., who pull off another GOING ON IN THE LITTLE STRIP MALL where the record store is – set of BZZZT! their usual listless shoegazing BZZZT! then i wind up about three doors down there’s a show at a bookstore. No free beer, seeing the Spits playing, minus costumes, at some place that’s doling out though, which obviously means records are better than books, so free chow (likely as compensation for the absence of costumage). During PLEASE STOP READING IMMEDIATELY! (i think that’s what Todd the official Razorcake interview of the Ends, everyone except me decides said, too) Following the not-intolerable metallic-goings-on of Ben’s band, to BZZZT! conduct the interview standing knee-deep in Beerland’s 34 dumpster, while i remain in a more dignified stance in the alley, helping tells me, in his usual BZZZT! quiet, understated BZZZT! manner, that the interview process greatly with my well-researched, well-planned ques- he “knows exactly!” what i’m trying to do on my solo records (“You’re tions. Rockin’ Tobester decides that BZZZT! someone in the band looks trying to do like the Dickies and the Rezillos first albums!” – which was like Joe Walsh, and, although i cannot say that i have any real idea what actually what i was trying to do like eight years ago, but thanks for play- Joe Walsh looks like (nor do i care to), i join him in an inane but spirited ing), and i should be in a band with him and some drummer from singalong version of “Life’s Been Good,” which Todd appreciates very Minneapolis who owns a studio, but i have to find a “guitar hero” first much as he says our insipid background yammering will help in later tran- (not a bad idea, provided the only song we learn is “Rubber Biscuit” by scription of the conversation. For some reason (possibly due to our pass- the Blues Brothers [possibly not orig. artists], and Pat’s Jake and i’m es which promised to set us up with BZZZT! free chocolate milk and Elwood). The free BZZZT! milk BZZZT! quickly runs dry. I suck on my Strawberry Quik™ BZZZT! until 7 PM), we leave Beerland to take in the empty bottle in a placeboistic sense until keynote speaker J. Biafra arrives “Rock Against Bush” show at Emo’s. On the way to the club, a young on stage to deliver one of his usual BZZZT! rousing BZZZT! speeches. lady stops me in the street and asks to take my picture for a website I like Jello. “Jello is a good shit” – quote me on that if you’d like. Yes, the revolving around those with a “strong sense of personal style.” What, you guy wants to be a “rock star” in every sense of the term – but he also mean to tell me most Texans don’t parade around town on Friday night in wants to be the “good” rock star. Like, if Rolling Stone or Spin or similar a pair of Good’n’Plenty™ pajamas??? What are you gonna tell me next, dippy mag published a list of the Top 100 or 500 or (whatever the appro- that the bar patrons here don’t watch Sesame Street? We arrive at Emo’s. priate number would be) “Personalities Of Rock” (or whatever phrase While i find myself quickly BZZZT! enamored of the “Big Gig” atmos- they would think of that would mean “rock star” without actually coming phere, BZZZT! the one complimentary bottle of BZZZT! chocolate milk out and saying “rock star,” which would be too good a fate for us), Jello BZZZT! i score before the free drinks expire strikes me as a dirty, (below) Les Baton Rouge from Portugal will make your Chloe Yurtz. filthy, unclean bottle of BZZZT! chocolate milk indeed BZZZT! (and not merely in the “Texas is inherent- ly dirty” dirty, filthy, unclean sense [which is not to be confused with the “broken beer bottles in the street” type dirtiness of, say, Memphis or Detroit or somewhere, but is, in fact, reflective of the actual surplus-of- dirt-and-pulverized-organic-materi- als type of inherent dirtiness which Texas is, at least to me, noteworthily dirty for]). I mean, this isn’t a good, honest free beer BZZZT! i mean, chocolate milk BZZZT! i’m drink- ing, like a free beer at a party or a free beer at a bar they gave you because they like you or even a free beer the club put backstage in your dressing room along with some bot- tled water and Sprite™, this free beer is, like, WRONG (i realize the concept of un-right free beer
requires a tremendous leap of faith REV to even contemplate, but, then again, you owe it to me to do so: I am Rev.
Nørb! I inhaled your puke to keep . you free of sin!). This free beer is,
like, some type of lame putz-bait N0RB someone (i.e. “THEY”) is using to I get us to stay here and watch some stoopid bands which they think they have a vested interest in convincing us to go see (i dunno about you, but if i’m at a show where NOFX are playing and the free drinks get cut off at 7 PM, i better see their roadie hauling the last of their equipment off the stage at 7:01). Like, whoever heard of punk rockers having to be bought off with an hour or two of free BZZZT! milk BZZZT! to get them to go to a punk show? The very concept is absurd and gross. Todd, as a Los Angeles resident and thus At Peace With Absurd Grossness, orders himself two BZZZT! milks BZZZT! at a time, which, to me, just underscores the icky “outta my way, i gotta get mine!” cattle-call- ism that the whole ordeal seems to engender (but, that said, wasn’t a bad f’n idea at all). I shoot the shit with Pat from Dillinger 4 for a while (well, technically, Pat shot most of the shit, as one might expect). He would want to be the last guy on the list. Rock Star #100 out of 100, or looked “kinda mushy” (later yielding a huge scab patch as if my arm had #500 out of 500, or whatever the case may be. He basically wants to score been welded to the back of a loose muffler on a 1976 Olds Omega™ and as low as possible, but still be hailed by the World At Large as an dragged around the periphery of a gravel pit beer party for an evening) Officially Recognized Rock Personality™. If we can couch this in the which i found disturbing, since i was BZZZT! way drunker BZZZT! bald argot of the Sheephead table, the guy is more or less playing a per- than i had been the two previous nights. I was so flipped out by this whole petual Leaster – wants to score as low as possible while still taking that three-hour Brain Watergate that i thought that perhaps i had been roofied, one trick to keep him off the Schneid. That said, his speeches (or what- except a quick check of my finances and anus revealed nothing overly ever you wanna call them) are pretty frickin’ corny. I mean, it’s not that i amiss, and my wits returned just in time for Dirt Bike Annie (unless that disagree with him – it’s just that THE GUY PAUSES FOR APPLAUSE was a different day?!), so fuck it. Boy, let me tell ya: Dirt Bike Annie real- at times when NOBODY IN THE AUDIENCE WOULD THINK TO ly BZZZT! suck, and standing in front of Dirt Bike Jeannie for 45 min- APPLAUD had he NOT PAUSED IN THE FIRST PLACE. I mean, it’s utes is such a chore that i thought i was gonna hafta hunch over the just stupid. It’s not like the masses just start in with a spontaneous, thun- wastebasket again and inhale more puke. I mean, those understated ’72 dering round of claps and cheers that forces him to pause his delivery Corvette™ curves of hers, fucking repulsive! Even her lipstick is atro- until they subside and he can be heard again, he actually solicits the ciously grossifying! Following DBA’s lame BZZZT! set (which i think i applause by stopping cold, thereby instigating a period of complete and forgot to request “Grape Crush” during, although that might just be the utter silence which provokes reflexive bursts of applause from the audi- roofies talking), i reckoned i’d better high-tail it back to Emo’s, since ence, who are initially confused as to why he isn’t saying anything, then Todd and the Tobester had yet to return to the friendly confines of realize “oh, shit, i guess i’m supposed to be clapping now!” and start Beerland. I hike my Good’n’Plenty™ clad ass hither’n’yon around down- belatedly applauding more out of a guilty sense of not having been pay- town Austin, but Todd and Rockin’ Tobester seem to have up and ing attention and possibly missing something that must’ve been important vamoosed. Knowing in my heart of hearts that BZZZT! they would never than from any legitimately heartfelt impulse to spontaneously erupt into take off without me, regardless of the circumstances, i BZZZT! resume cheers. I mean, it’s like he gets people to applaud him almost out of pure my patrol on foot, eventually encountering the Briefs as they load out. reflex action. Not me, daddy, i got me a BZZZT! milk BZZZT! bottle to They duct tape a copy of the “The Joy Of Killing” 45 to the front of my hold! When it becomes apparent that i am not going to have the chance to Good’n’Plenty™ suit, and send me back on The Hunt For My Posse quite say hey to Jello, i return to my friends, who are in the midst of discussing well-decorated. The clubs have all closed, and i figure my best bet is to the BZZZT! power and majesty BZZZT! of Jello’s speech. When the air sit on the sidewalk in front of Beerland (taking great pains to make it in my BZZZT! milk BZZZT! bottle ceases to satisfy my cravings for apparent that tonight i am neither comatose nor vomiting) and wait for BZZZT! dairy products, i let it be known that, while i generally enjoy Todd and Tobester (or a few philanthropic and/or horny Japanese Girl hanging around big rock venues like Emo’s, and am as big a NOFX fan Bands) to return to the all-powerful magnetic womb of Beerland and pick as they come, and have never seen Dillinger 4 before, in my life, ever, i me up. Eventually, the BZZZT! surly and unhelpful BZZZT! doorman think the love i feel for Emo’s, were it allowed to grow unchecked, might invites me into the closed-up club, and attempts to help me sort out my surpass the love i feel for Jesus Christ, Our Lord and Savior, and there- destination BZZZT! as he flogs the soles of my feet with bamboo canes. fore i need to go to Beerland, where the staff are a pack of surly knaves BZZZT! Using a marvel of the Information Age i believe he referred to who are sure to flog me repeatedly with rubber truncheons the moment i as a “phone book,” the intrepid Beerland staffer is able to secure enough step foot in their establishment, and will therefore provide no legitimate data to call me a cab, though not before leaving an imperishable answer- competition to the love i feel for Christ Our Lord, Amen. At Beerland, i ing machine at Ben, Ben & Nick’s including the now-immortal phrase BZZZT! remember the Spits playing again, this time in rather discon- “Reverend Nørb is sitting here with a 45 taped to the front of his certing rubber Reagan (i think?) masks. I also remember going down the Good’n’Plenty suit and he STILL can’t find a ride home.” (my posse’s street to see the Briefs. Following that, there exists an approximately flight from the Austin downtown area was apparently due to Toby’s con- three-hour window where i don’t remember a goddamn thing at all, tinually falling BZZZT! awake BZZZT! and tipping over in the Emo’s except i looking at my left arm, and seeing that a broad swath of flesh bleachers). I wake up Saturday morning with the Briefs single still taped to me (it’s really not a bad look), and we head back (below) Nørb, with his lanyard dutifully around his neck, to Beerland. The Mistreaters BZZZT! disintegrate passing out at the Sweethearts show. Chicks dig him. me into the little balls of shit of which my molecu- lar structure is entirely composed of via their pure, unadulterated rockitude! And, although the band themselves does not state this explicitly from the stage, my friends cannot help but agree: The Mistreaters are the best band in the world! I BZZZT! venture from Beerland over to the Casino el Camino (which, incidentally, has the BZZZT! worst jukebox in Austin, i mean, holy fuck, they’ve even got a SLADE CD on there! I can’t stand for that! I surely can’t be expected to pump dollar after dollar into it, playing SLADE track after SLADE track, even if i know i’m leav- ing, just so’s those remaining can be serenaded by the dulcet strains of Noddy Holder & Co.! BZZZT!) with my stated intention being to see I The Sons Of Hercules. I wind up seeing the Green
N0RB Hornes, who i don’t even realize are the Green
. Hornes owing to the fact that they’ve got about 40% less members than all the other times i’ve seen them (and, considering that one of the depart-
REV ed members was the Jabba Jr. keyboardist with the Robbie the Robot arms, by weight the band is like- ly at about 50% of their former strength). Following the Green Hornes (who BZZZT! sucked, as always) we are treated to the brainy, button-down routines of BZZZT! the legendary Mr. Lifto (from the Jim Rose Carnival of Freakitude or whatever it was called, but, more importantly, also a bartender there), who dangles beer kegs from hooks in his nipples, weights from his weenie, and other heady shenanigans. I find myself simultaneously compelled to both press REV. N0RBI 37 and, . i shall “These d CD still e of myself gives us a s l until the wee BZZZT! u head directly to BZZZT! of the bands at alas, missing the p e BZZZT! BZZZT! Chloe Yurtz r doorman, says doorman, says After an extended peri- BZZZT!
amazing! people. After about two people. d BZZZT! beaten and bloody in the beaten and bloody in BZZZT! genius BZZZT! n a all
don’t don’t BZZZT! BZZZT! a bowling alley in the basement BZZZT! d BZZZT! sit quietly and has his Jedi Mind-Tricking ass Jedi Mind-Tricking and has his e BZZZT! BZZZT! t surly a punches me out and BZZZT! n BZZZT! of everyone by playing the Rolling Stones’ BZZZT! pleasing i “Serve Texas Cold.” Yeah. Good one. Yeah. Cold.” Texas “Serve BZZZT! c s BZZZT! a BZZZT! f BZZZT! BZZZT!
BZZZT! h t respect respect o rocked heartily to the Marked Men, watched New York’s New rocked heartily to the Marked Men, watched b
e b BZZZT!
o causes me to uncontrollably quote the line “after listening to this CD all causes me to uncontrollably quote the line a bit as well” from its review in Yurtz the way through, my Chloe Razorcake), Action got Some Action standing next to a girl whom i once kind of Some ALLfrom (though not Action to discover that the Action – just enough the match the drapes, nudge nudge, wink wink), and watched shades don’t impression that entire set under the mistaken some band from Denmark’s barbeque from stock up on We i was watching the Forty-Fives (?!). The Beer is broken when the Fellowship Of and, tragically, Ruby’s Rockin’ and i mope around for a Todd Atlanta. departs back to Tobester phone Kerr’s Tim somehow magically procures Todd while, and then up and to pick us Tim to get Trick number and uses another Jedi Mind a lovely exhibit of Halloween bring us over to his house, which features of deep-sea-diver bric- items in the living room, another superb collection a-brac in the bathroom, and with the many exotic slaves he purchased with the pins set by one of Tim’s Poison 13 reunions. money he got from od of me basically talking too much about nothing of value, Ryan Richardson eventually ride back home, where we but “a line to get in” as in “a line to get in caused by the club being filled by the club in caused line to get in” as in “a line to get but “a correspondence a one-to-one requiring capacity, legal to maximum briefly resign I admitted.” new patrons patrons and exiting between Todd the curb, but the night sitting on spending the rest of myself to up to the ambles right hours. I make a complete and utter alley, where i remain for several hours and for several i remain where alley, the club full well we will not be able to get into Evaporators, as we know used time to witness their set, and we have already they are playing at in recogni- conceivably ask to be extended to us in any “favors” we might we wish patronage at Beerland should tion of our almost round-the-clock to return. I am impressed by i am happy as shit to be there, Todd, Beerland that night, but, as i state to day in wake on Sunday – our last We Beerland! just because, fuck, it’s town – and, not surprisingly, – “The Toby and Todd Beerland, where i am informed that myself, part of “the Beerland as it were – are officially Fellowship of the Beer,” decide that makes it all right for me to spend some of the I Family.” box for me and the other money my grandmother hid in a safety deposit the government took all her grandsons before she got sick and died and some stickers. I mean, hey, money and her house on a Beerland jersey and right? By the time all has been said and done, i have seen we’re FAMILY, of their Les Baton Rouge from Portugal (the mention aren’t the droids you’re looking for,” looking for,” you’re the droids aren’t resident Angeles not being a Los the fuck on in. I, however, waved right The Grossness desensitized to somewhat less apparently, and therefore, that cut- actually believes i am a rustic dork who Al (i.e., Et Of Privilege, the side- waver out on WRONG or something) in line is, like... ting ahead to the – very tenuously – making my way walk for a while, eventually by rights, should be granted ahead of the eighty or so people who, door, squawk, me, mutter some manner of plaintive access to the club before find myself and shortly thereafter by playing air guitar on my knees to Ben’s Kiss Alive II album, then earn Kiss by playing air guitar on my knees to Ben’s the Beerland über Alles, Beerland über Løve, Nørb “Aftermath” album about five times in a row, for no other reason than it “Aftermath” album about five times in a row, seems to be really from underneath the white leather jacket i have draped over my head, needle i hear the at bay, World parakeet-style, in order to keep the Real hitting “Aftermath” again and sense i am getting a dose of my own retard- gives the remaining 2/3 of the Fellowship of the W-2 ed medicine. Ben Austin airport, where, if nothing else, Beer a ride to the find respite and succor from the bitterly cold weather of Texas. When i the bitterly cold weather of Texas. and succor from find respite cosmopolitan paradise that i it is the same balmy, Bay, to Green return swel- March left it as, and i sweat bullets as i drive home in Wisconsin’s the line inscribed on each and every can and bottle of remembering ter, beer: Lone Star™ hours of sleep, the sun is up, and i feel t
so h g u o BZZZT! BZZZT! BZZZT! BZZZT! n e BZZZT!
blow. blow. e cemented beyond e repugnant repugnant that we don’t really that we don’t s rocking rocking
worth. Needless to say, the Bloody Tears (why Tears the Bloody i I blame myself! If only i I blame myself! BZZZT!
BZZZT! t Triumphantly, we return to Triumphantly, BZZZT! BZZZT! u BZZZT!) set. If the Bloody Hollies don’t BZZZT! b BZZZT!
overjoyed when duty calls and i am love BZZZT! , h hotbed of nubility for the Mystery Girls c BZZZT! The Sons of Hercules will not be playing, Hercules will not be The Sons of u completely sold on the merits of my homies, utter lack of m BZZZT! BZZZT!
e What i find amazingly amusing about this band is BZZZT! BZZZT! e “Son, you’re home a little early from the Kung Fu home a little early from “Son, you’re s BZZZT! skeptical as we return to Beerland, but Japanese Girls skeptical as we return to Beerland, but Japanese BZZZT!
rock. They make believers of the heathens; fans of the rock. specTACular! specTACular! t ’ BZZZT! n We both agree that the band is We I trump his tawdry shtick by dangling Mr. Lifto, a pony keg of Mr. tawdry shtick by dangling I trump his o BZZZT! d BZZZT! BZZZT!
i forward for a better view and to retreat in complete and utter squeamish and utter in complete to retreat view and for a better forward fas- to be both enough but i see see much, don’t i consequently, revulsion; THAT And and repulsed. cinated marks! his stretch from seeing was just BZZZT! one of Hornes from the Green from AND the old keyboardist Lone Star, upstaging, we are this triumphant Following piercings. testicle my three that joyfully informed Japanese Girls Band Night is a predictably experience, and i am quite to leave this required set, which, as a fellow Green Bay resident, i am required, by law, to attend am required, by law, set, which, as a fellow Green Bay resident, i the Mystery Girls com- (it says so on my property tax bills). Naturally, pletely of the nay-sayers. They frickin’ Aye-sayers skeptics; After REPRESENT! Todd (attempts at) songs, i walk back triumphantly to where the first three admit that he is right: They Rock. is sitting, and, with palms outstretched, BZZZT! need to stick around any further, and i drag Todd back to the Jackalope to Todd and i drag need to stick around any further, Jackalopeward for the second Trudging see the Bloody Hollies for real. feel that my status as Finely time in as many hours, i cannot help but Rock’n’Roll Divining Rod is now Tuned as the singer appears to have a twinge of the ol’ appears to have a twinge as the singer poisoning, and is alcohol even as we speak. vomiting blood saved Beerland, i could have AND vomit back at inhale blood thought to band is Christmas! The replacement And, while Todd is Todd And, while they could not get the Bloody Vomits to play instead, i am unsure), who Vomits Bloody they could not get the their set Beerland on harmonica, and culminate feature the bartender from Nothin’ with a cover of “Ain’t Adequate™ rockness of Completely But a song, they know as a J. Geils Tremeloes a which i know as House Party,” Returning to my com- who did it originally. song, and no one knows see the out to the Jackalope to theoretically Todd padres, i manage to drag our trip is in vain, as i have mis-remem- Bloody Hollies. Unfortunately, came. two hours, and we trudge back whence we bered their start time by i try my best to con- the Mystery Girls, whose Beerland set is impending, for their band. Todd vince him he should temper his boundless enthusiasm remains place next door (well, i mean, Band Night is commencing at the nameless Kotter!) and i can no Mr. have it HAN-day, it had a name... i just don’t attempting to convince him of Time Asian Girl Ogling longer spare any the Mystery Girls’ question. I mean, in the space of the last 90 minutes, i have question. I mean, in the space of the last hard that night (pretty much everybody i talked to compared them to the hard that night (pretty much everybody i talked Doors, whom i, like you, then attempted to playing, out to see a band that wasn’t Todd dragged wound up delivering an inar- convince him of the merits of a band that guably THE ROCK, i am gonna be forever thought of as a come through with THE ROCK if he were sequestered in a find hapless hick who couldn’t frickin’ MY rock tumbler. REPASTHE LINE!!! ROCK HIPSTER IS ON The my Rock’n’Roll Reputation is immediately salvaged: Luckily, Bloody Hollies, without question, fucking Looking not unlike a pack of apronless but psychotic Festival Foods™ bag boys, they rip thru the “PACK-HEAT-MOTHER-FUCKER-WE’RE- song, vindicating me totally in and of itself, GOIN’-DOWN-TOWN!!!” then smash up the band and really have a ball (and all like that), ending This Shit” and Of by honoring my two requests of “Swing” and “Tired thusly convincing all in attendance of their complete and utter following the majesty of the worthlessness. But, then again, they were unit Mystery Girls that night, up against which even the most worthy rock would quail! how closely their singer resembles James Cahill of the Kung Fu Monkeys. I mean, imagine going to see the frickin’ Kung Fu Monkeys HEAT, and all of a sudden James Cahill starts screaming about PACKING MOTHERFUCKER!!! instead of drinking chocolate malteds with two straws or whatever... Pop... James mind telling me what happened?” “Aw, Monkeys show... Cahill went off and popped a bunch of caps in my ass! I’ll never live it down if the fellas at school find out!” Beerland – only to find a sight that freezes the lymph in our nodes: ATHERE IS GETTO LINE IN. Not “a line to get in” as in “a line to get et al” collecting money, in caused by the inherent delays in checking ID’s,
Chrystaei Branchaw ’s Photo Page
“Tell your children they have to die.” The Observers Interview by Todd Taylor The Shemps are: Artie (blatant homoeroticism,, and Petite Paquet largely atonal vocals) Introduction by Josh Bill Florio (four-stringed bass implement), Pictures by Todd Taylor Squeaky (guitar/violin bow), Neil (guitar), and Jim (drums)
In asking people if they had ever heard the Shemps, I got all kinds of responses, everything from “That’s kind of a dumb name,” all the way to “I hear they suck a mean dick.” Whether those state- ments are true or not remains a mystery to me, but after hearing the Shemps, it’s not really that important. Naysayers among you are probably saying, “Ah, they’re nothing special. They’re not reinventing the wheel. They’re no match for Le Tigre, etc.” They may not be reinventing any- thing, but in the words of a wiser man than myself, they are rolling around quite successfully using wheels of prior invention! They’re debatably the best New York-based Devil Dogs-sounding band since, well, the Devil Dogs, I guess. And besides, they’re fun. You remember fun, don’t you? Or has your brain been completely demolished by the seemingly endless parade of supposedly wheel-reinventing bands and their “stand in awe as we grandiose rock gods reinvent the wheel before your very eyes” attitude? Fuck all that. Listen to the Shemps. They’ll fuck your shit up. Todd: Alright, Artie, let’s start with your and by other people, and then they were on external and holds your arm in place. And I escapades with a burrito. the floor and I do a lot of, you know… was like, “I don’t know if that’s really a Petite: Where did it happen? Todd: Acrobatics? good idea,” and they said, “No, this is nor- Artie: Mission Records in San Francisco. Artie: Acrobatic moves, I do a lot of inter- mal, this is routine.” So they made an Todd: Did you drop the burrito, or did you pretive dance. During one of my routines, I appointment for me and I’m a charity case throw the burrito, or… think it was Swan Lake, I took a dive and so I would have had to go and stay snapped my wrist in two places. It was the overnight and get admitted. So I did some last note of the last song of the last show of research on the internet and I was like, “No, our tour. I jumped up and landed on the I don’t want that shit.” And so I went to my burrito and I came down, landed on my ass. school and I found out at my school that I I tried to protect my ass, even though my could get insurance if I paid through the ass probably has a lot more padding than fucking asshole. I paid, got insured, had to my arms do, and it snapped in two places. wait a certain amount of time before my And I don’t have medical insurance or any coverage started, and I cut the fucking cast kind of insurance because I work for Go- off in my bathtub with a pair of tin snips. I Kart Records. (Artie quite Go-Kart shortly go to the regular orthopedist and act like it’s after this interview.) a new injury. “Oh, I fell a few weeks ago Bill: And he smelled really bad. and I thought it was sprained but it’s not Artie: I smelled horrible. I showed up at the going away.” Meanwhile, it’s obvious that hospital smelling like a homeless person my arm has been in a cast for about four vomited on me. Seriously. And I had to tell weeks. So he takes a look at the X-rays and them, “Look, I’m not homeless.” And it he says, “Oh, this is really old. This was healed wrong. broken.” And I’m like, “Oh, I didn’t know. Bill: Wait, you’re making this sound like I guess I better fix it now that I’m insured.” it’s the hospital’s fault. And he’s like, “Alright, but it’s already Artie: Okay, here’s what happened. They almost totally healed and it’s healed out of couldn’t set it because when it breaks, it alignment.” He puts the new cast on and
Basically, the first doctor fucked me up and I can’t sue him because I used a fake identity.
swells up, and they need to let the swelling he’s like, “There’s not much we can do go down before they can set it and put a besides let it finish healing.” The original cast on it. So I went home on a plane with doctor put the cast on so my arm was bent, my arm in a splint, and I had to shower in and he told me to keep it elevated. And the fucking Floyd’s shitty fucking bathroom second doctor was like, “It looks like your with one arm. Like, I’m trying to keep the arm is really stiff up here,” and I’m like, filth away with one arm and I can’t use the “Oh, I don’t know why.” And he’s like, “I other arm and it’s horrible. I should have want you to keep extending your arm, it’s made Floyd come in and bathe me. not good to keep it bent like that with this Bill: He did clean that bathroom regularly. kind of injury.” Basically, the first doctor Artie: I don’t believe that. He cleaned it fucked me up and I can’t sue him because I with his own feces if he cleaned it with any- used a fake identity. And I asked the second thing. So anyway, I get home and then I go doctor, “Would I ever want to get an exter- to the fucking ghetto hospital and lie about nal fixator put on this?” And he says, “No, my identity and try to get my arm fixed up. not for this kind of injury. That would be Such an involved story, it’s so lame. They ridiculous. That’s for an old person.” So basically put it in a cast and then I was sup- now, for life, I have an arm that doesn’t posed to come back for a follow-up. And really work well. it’s in this monstrosity of a cast. And I Bill: And if they had made a better burrito, Artie: There’s a burrito stand next to that come back for a follow-up and they’re like, we wouldn’t have this problem. place, that record store, and I use that term “Oh, it’s healing wrong. We’re going to Todd: Didn’t you get into a fight over loosely… have to reset it.” And they wanted to put an ketchup packets? Todd: “Store,” or “records?” external fixator on my arm. Bill: That sounds familiar. Bill: “Place.” Todd: What’s that? Artie: That sounds like something Jim Artie: It’s right next door, Mission Artie: It’s one of those things where you would tell you about. Burritos, so all these kids had burritos look like fucking Frankenstein. Todd: Like you were throwing ketchup inside and I had a burrito, and, you know, Bill: This is the part where we’re not laugh- packets out into the crowd and someone got they weren’t really that good, so people ing about the story, we’re just laughing at ketchup on them and went to strike you only ate, like, half of them. Then everybody Artie. back. just had them, and they were laying around Artie: This is the path my life took when I Bill: I think that’s a Bugout Society story. the club and people were holding them, so decided to work for Go-Kart Records. They We got hurt much worse than Artie so we they just started getting thrown… by me, wanted to put this thing on my arm that was should shut up. And as Artie 43 called people for help in New York, people have a boyfriend,” and I’m like, “Okay, Artie: And we weren’t even that mad about made Bugout Society cracks, like, “Oh, fine.” And the joke’s over. [long pause] And it because it was something I would have you’re moving up in the world, throwing anyway, that’s how a bill becomes a law. done. healthier things.” What was I talking about? Bill: Either me or Artie have done similar Artie: Instead of throwing White Castle, we Petite: The van in Olympia. things. were throwing bean burritos. Todd: Under twenty-one, has a boyfriend… Artie: I did the same shit to Down By Law. Bill: I mean, Artie was in horrible pain, but Artie: Right. So we walk away and this kid I’m not going to get into it. we were actually laughing the whole time in comes over and I’m sitting in the van trying Bill: You don’t want to tell him about that? the hospital. to write a set list, which is a joke, and we’re You might as well publish it since it didn’t Artie: I was actually calling all my friends at sitting in the van and this kid walks up and work. home to see if I could lie about my identity looks in the window. I make eye contact Artie: I’m not saying anything. and use their names and their insurance with him and he walks away real fast. And Bill: I’m going to say it since it was my because they all have straight jobs instead of the kid’s like, “You fuckin’ bitch!” So I idea. We played with Down By Law at working for Go-Kart Records. jump out of the van and run after him. I run CBGB. Originally, they booked the whole Bill: Do you really want to give them that up to the fucking guy, and I’m like, “What tour as Dag Nasty so they were able to get a much advertising? They probably don’t even the fuck did you just say?” And he’s like, very high guarantee. It was like a $1,500 pay for the advertising that’s in this maga- “You’re asking girls to make out with you guarantee and it got knocked down to zine. and you don’t even know them.” And he’s $1,200. So, there was $1,200 made at the Artie: Well, I’m still working for them. But got like twenty friends around him and it’s door, and mostly it was for Vision, from yeah, my arm. I can’t lift heavy things too just me and Neal. You know, the combined New Jersey. There were about ten people often and it hurts. might of both of us couldn’t curl a ten-pound there to see Down By Law. So at the end of Bill: That’s a lie. He just doesn’t want to weight. And I’m like, “We’re just joking the show, since we had helped this band, help us. around, dude,” and he’s like, “Alright, you the Amazombies, fly in from Seattle and Artie: Like when I move furniture it’s like, better be,” and that was the extent of it. And play shows, we went up to Dave Smalley “Ah, shit.” It’s hard to explain. It’s just he left, and I watched him leave because he and we were like, “Hey, you think you can everyday things that you take give the Amazombies for granted. $50 since you took the Petite: You do a lot of ball- whole door and nobody grabbing with that hand, got paid?” And he was though. like, “Hey, man, I got Artie: I can do that. three kids to support.” Petite: So what happened in So screw him. If he’s Olympia? Fat girls, c’mon got three kids to support Artie. Spill the beans. and he’s going on tour Todd: Which you sing and he thinks he can about… make a living off it and Artie: I do sing about fat ten people show up, he girls. Somebody has to. deserves it. We decided Todd: Share a lyric. that if he needed gas Artie: “I coming to your money we would give it party/You’re letting me in/I’ll to him, so we filled up find a fat girl/desperate like a his gas tank with sugar hungry pig/I’ll take her in the and followed them to back/For some romance/If their hotel room. she’s lucky, I won’t shit my Artie: In all defense, he pants.” It’s about Rob from didn’t say that. It was Dick Army. his tour manager, Bill: Yeah, Rob made out with because he has a tour a fat girl in San Diego and manager as a buffer so crapped his pants. And wait, that he doesn’t have to even better, he left the crappy interact with other peo- pants in the van with him ple – someone who can while he slept there so the rest Bill: My grandpa died in a kiss his ass because he’s of the trip we had a great aro- a fucking asshole. His matic experience. concentration camp. tour manager’s all like, Todd: Alright, so Olympia. Artie: Yeah, he fell “He has three kids to Artie: Oh, some fat girl was support,” or whatever. walking by… it was Neal who out of a guard tower. Bill: We know it’s started it. alimony payments any- Petite: Blame it on someone way. who’s not here, right? Artie: He just wants to Artie: It was Callahan who started it. I just knows where the van is, so it did cross my act like a fading rock star instead of getting finished it. We’re at a bar and this girl’s all mind, but then he left, so we were like “fuck a job at Starbuck’s like a fucking honest in high school and she’s, “I’m under twenty- it.” We went in and we played and every- dad. one and I’ll go in there anyway. I don’t thing else. At the end of the night, we came Bill: And he was the one who started all of care,” and Neal’s like, “Yeah, you’re a real out and all four tires and the back window that, “Hey, we’ve got to have a scene here,” rebel,” and she’s like, “That’s right, I am a were gone, and he was nowhere to be found. and all of that crap. We never had that kind rebel.” So I’m like, “Wanna make out?” Bill: Actually, three of the tires were gone, of message, so screw him. Because fat girls are usually down for mak- and when the tow truck pulled up, the other Artie: He made a big speech about, “Oh, ing out. So she’s like, “No, I one went “pssshhh.” we’ve got to help each other’s bands. This 44 is what a scene is about,” that night on music on the video. He had a great idea that Maximum a couple months afterwards and I stage, and then he got offstage and took all if he just put one of the blank cable chan- was reading a San Francisco newspaper the money from the door. A hundred per- nels on where they just play this easy lis- where somebody interviewed Lookout! cent of the money. He’s just a total prick. tening music, he could just put that music Records, and all they talked about was the Fuck him, he should just stay at home and over their movies. Unfortunately, at 8:00, fat Donna and how Maximum Rock’n’roll is be a dad. that channel turned into the Playboy wrong. Unfortunately, Tim died and he Bill: Yeah, get job at UPS, dude. Channel, so someone’s watching their kids wasn’t there to defend me. But yeah, that’s Todd: Alright, a band name question: Did at the Christmas tree with the sound of what did me in. I caused a lot of problems. you name the band the Shemps after the someone getting double penetrated over it. Adrienne Droogas quit Maximum because I failed pre-Soundgarden Shemps? That’s my favorite. said she slept with everyone in Minneapolis Bill: Dave the Spazz came up with that because, oh, that wasn’t true, and I name. said she gave everyone the clap, Artie: He’ll sue us if we don’t give which I guess isn’t true, I don’t him credit. know. Brett Matthews threatened me Bill: He has this book with hundreds of in a club once, but I don’t care. band names in it, and the only good Todd: So what’s the most impressive one in it was the Shemps. And he said, thing you’ve ever thrown up? “There was another Shemps, but they Artie: Thrown up? I don’t know were on Mystic,” and I was like, “Ah, what I haven’t thrown up. I’ve they don’t count.” There was like a thrown up everything. Led Zeppelin cover band that the guy Bill: He threw up on the first night of from Soundgarden was in but that our tour, right on stage as soon as we doesn’t count either. started playing. Todd: There was a Wisconsin Shemps. Artie: It was the second time I’ve Bill: Yeah, they have like one track on ever thrown up on stage. I threw up a Mystic comp. Reverend Nørb yelled on an American flag once. Not as any at me about that, and I told him they kind of statement. It was on the floor don’t count. They’re from the and I vomited and it went on the flag. Midwest, for one thing, and they only Next thing you know, Ebullition’s had one song on Mystic. And it was trying to sign me. bad. Todd: What do your parents do, Artie: I want to go on record and say I Artie? lobbied really hard for us to change our Bill: Can I say something? Artie’s name to the Negro Spirituals. Bill mom, for some reason, has horse explained the name the Shemps to me noises on her answering machine. as when you watch “The Three Artie: My mom lives on a farm. Stooges” and it’s an episode with She’s an accountant. She just collects Shemp, you get real disappointed. That animals. sold me on the name. Todd: Why isn’t she allowed to be Todd: So, Bill, you’re a wedding pho- on your website? tographer? Bill: She kept leaving messages on Bill: Yeah, I’m an editor, actually. Artie: I wish they had double penetration the guestbook, like, “Artie’s so cute.” Todd: How did you get into the wedding on the Playboy Channel. Artie: “Good job, Artie!” business? Bill: In one issue of my fanzine I wrote this Bill: Artie got caught shoplifting veggie Bill: When I was fourteen, my dad collect- tour diary and I just listed everything I ate burgers in Long Island at Pathmark, and I ed toy trains, and a friend of his in the train for the whole week instead of where I went made a funny hat that said “Pathmark Hall club was like, “Hey, you want to hold a or what I did. I got tired of writing “Diet of Fame” and had a picture of Artie, and his light for me on the weekends?” After six Pepsi” every third word, so I put, “DP, DP, mom bought three. months, he was like, “Holy crap, this job DP.” Squeaky worked in a video store. He’s Artie: When I met Bill, it was when Bugout stinks. I’m not doing this anymore.” But like, “Hey, didn’t you know ‘DP’ means Society played Long Island and I had a the people he worked for were like, “Hey, ‘double penetration’ when you’re talking learner’s permit to drive, and I drove my car we want you to help other people,” so all about porno films?” through the wall of the club because I was through high school I was making sure that Todd: So, Bill, what’s the biggest ruse looking at a girl. My mom saw where he all these morons that they hired for $100 to you’ve pulled as Anne R. Key, the gossip mentioned that story online and my mom film a wedding wouldn’t disappear and columnist for Maximum Rock’n’roll? was like, “You did what with the Buick?” smoke crack or anything. And then I got a Artie: Norm Arenas almost beat me up This is like ten years after the fact. And car and I’ve been doing it ever since. I because he thought it was me. then I wrote an article for Rockpile where I make more money than my parents editing Bill: He thought it was you? mentioned that I spent a weekend in jail in wedding videos and I’ve been doing it Artie: Yeah. Kentucky for shoplifting, and she was like, since I was fifteen. Bill: Did I tell you he’s gay? “You were in jail?” I had to convince her Todd: What was the most embarrassing Artie: No, but he made a reference to the that I just wrote that to seem cool. moment that you had to watch at a wed- white power band he was in. Bill: And now she’s going to read this. ding? Bill: You know what? I got in more trouble What were you shoplifting that time? Bill: The embarrassing stuff actually hap- for printing stuff that was true than making Artie: [dejected] Gatorade. Gatorade. It pens in a studio, not at the wedding. My things up, but the thing that did me in was was me and the guys from AFI and the Hot boss’s husband is a psychopath and he saying that the fat Donna was pregnant. Water Music guys at this gas station, and I thinks he’s a wrestler, and he used to run That’s all I wrote, and there were phone didn’t want to wait in line because I wanted people’s old home movies, like run them to calls and law suits and… to go to this party after Krazy Fest, and I videotape, convert them, and for some peo- Todd: Real law suits? didn’t make it out of the gas station. ple, for ten dollars, he would put some Bill: I don’t know. All I know is I went to Petite: So I hear you have a pretty interest- our recording. He’s like, “Hey, I’ll sing for the time that they were around. And Neal, ing family history. Tell us about your your band. I’m moving back to New York.” our guitar player, roadied for them also, and grandpa. And I’m like, “But you suck. You have a we won’t let Matt come on tour with us as a Bill: My grandpa died in a concentration horrible voice.” I gave him the single and roadie. camp. No, not really. he came up and he sounded like crap. He Todd: What’s Matt doing now? Does he Artie: Yeah, he fell out of a guard tower sounded like a hardcore singer. So then we have another band? [laughs]. But seriously, Jim’s grandpa was a tried the James Brown cover and he sang it Bill: Matt has a band called Four Deadly war criminal, an SS dude. great. He sang it as good as James Brown. Questions and they’re really good. He Bill: He massacred 2,500 Italian soldiers Artie: I could copy James Brown, I just stands up very straight while he plays gui- after Italy went the other way. In Sicily, I couldn’t copy Dave Spazz. tar, very good posture. Sometimes he’s think. Jim will tell you it was like 250,000, Bill: I gave him a CD with like 500 Sonics loud. but I looked it up. songs and two weeks later he was all ready. Todd: What happened to Sue? Petite: Jim? He’s very professional. Bill: Sue owes me a lot of money. That’s all Bill: How many Italians did your grandpa Artie: And they got this guy from Puerto I’ve got to say. kill? Rico who was a fuckin’ monkey organ- Todd: What was she on probation for? Jim: [walking by] Two thousand. grinder guy. Bill: We made that up. Artie: That’s only a few hundred more than Bill: He could play keyboards and drink a Artie: We would do that to all our friends girls Jim’s killed by sleeping with them. martini at the same time, but we were like, at home, we would say, “Sue’s locked up, Jim: You want to know about my Nazi his- “What bands do you like?” And he said the we don’t know what to do. We’ve got tory? Chicks dig it. Chicks love the fact that my grandparents were Nazis. Artie: I know I get off on it. [Jim walks off.] And there he goes. Todd: How come you guys have a 7” on a French label, and then you have a split 7” on a hardcore label? Artie: Well, that first single came out with Spazz singing Bill: It’s because Dave the Spazz is a big star in France. He’s like Jerry Lewis. Artie: In France and Belgium. He’s like David Hasselhoff. Bill: Actually, when we were in Japan, we went to this ‘60s garage record store, and this guy named Pinky was behind the counter. We were like, “Hey, we’re from New York,” and he goes, “Oh, WFMU?” And Dave’s like, “Yes, I’m a DJ there.” And then he tried to pick us all up. Artie: And that hardcore label thing is just that me and Nate from Gloom are really good friends from shows and stuff, and he’s been coming to see the Shemps since I started playing in the band. Bill: We inspired him to beat up a guido. Artie: He went from one of our shows Artie: I want to go on record and say and beat the shit out of some guido out- side who was making fun of his girl- I lobbied really hard for us to change friend, who’s Asian. It was really our name to the Negro Spirituals. funny. Bill: Let’s stop talking about him. Todd: How big of a transition was it to go from Milhouse and Indecision to singing Strokes and Le Tigre and we’re like, shows to play and we can’t afford to stand for the Shemps? “Uhhhh…” And then as I was driving him here and wait for her,” and her friends were Bill: I think I should answer this question. home, he was like, “So, how much money like weeping and crying, “No, no, don’t Artie: It wasn’t as big of a transition as do you guys usually make?” And I’m like, leave her.” That’s where that joke came you’d think because nobody liked me in any “Oh, sometimes we might get like $20,” from. band. It was just a new set of people who and he goes, “Each?” I was like, “That’s the Bill: Sue forgot to tell her boss that she was didn’t like me question that nobody should ask.” I left him going on tour last year and she spent the Bill: We love Artie, for the record. We at his house and never talked to him again. whole time on the phone spelling out com- don’t care. Todd: Was Jim really in Reagan Youth? puter code to him on her cell phone. Artie: It wasn’t that much of a transition. I Artie: He was in the bad era of Reagan Artie: Me and Jim are the only ones I think just had to figure out how to scream a little Youth. who have been in jail. bit less. Todd: What’s the overlap between you Bill: Jim said he’s never been in jail. Bill: I’ll tell the story. guys and Dick Army? Artie: Oh, he got raped outside a Artie: I hate your version of the story. Bill: I roadied for Dick Army and Jim jail. Bill: Artie wanted to audition, so I gave him played drums for Dick Army for most of 47 n the old Addams Family TV show, Morticia be like wearing a bee-keeper suit to an orgy or Addams used to clip off the flowery end of breaking into an interpretive dance at a barroom OOher roses and keep a vase full of prickly brawl. There is nothing flowery about the Fuck stems. In a similar manner, the hang-over I’m feel- Yeahs; they are as simple and effective as a toilet ing right now is going to prevent me from getting plunger. They play uncomplicated, uncluttered too flowery as I write this little intro to the midget good-time punk pop that attacks the feel good wrestler kings of Minneapolis pop punk, the Fuck points on your body like a Dim Mak master hopped Yeahs. Even without my handy little hangover, wax- up on Mike ‘n’ Ikes and Slim Jims. Curious parties, ing philosophical about the Fuck Yeahs would be Doubting Thomases and thrill seekers are advised like Joseph Campbell mythologizing about the to consult the Fuck Yeah’s new 7 inch entitled, “No Hamm’s bear or a White Castle hamburger. It would Farts, No Glory” for proof of what I say.
Here are a few informational tidbits to help you make at least a little bit of sense out of the stew of drunken dialogue the comprises this interview:
Part One: Interviewees: Jeremy (guitar, vocals,) Carlin (bass,) Takashi (guitar,) Shawn (drummer extraordinaire.) Takashi, who is Japanese, is also in the band Sweet J.A.P. Interesting questions provided by Paddy Costello. Asinine ques- tions provided by yours truly. Interview took place at an undisclosed downtown Interview by Aphid Peewit and Paddy Costello • Photos by Jimmy Fangs Minneapolis watering hole and was hosted by the ever-amiable Mr. Costello. Drinks: Jeremy: The point of the Fuck Yeahs is to Aphid: But you have some similar themes Various brands of beer and bloody marys. have fun. And fart. [laughter] with that earlier incarnation... like UFO Part Two: Aphid: Do you agree with the reviewer songs. Interviewees: Jeremy, Carlin and Shawn. that said you have a sort of “new testament Jeremy: Yeah, but they’re different songs. Interview took place at the Fuck religiosity”? We just aren’t very creative. We can’t Yeahs/Sweet J.A.P./Abusers practice Jeremy: Wha…? Our religion? Takashi’s think of much. space/drinking emporium. Special Note: the only religious one . Paddy: What’s your deal with UFOs? Periodic gaps in dialogue are due to the Aphid: [to Takashi] But you were the one Jeremy: I’ve seen a bunch of them. crashing noise of “Arrowroot” baby cook- saying you had no ethics. What’s your reli- Paddy: Is that bullshit? ies being thrown like fast balls by certain gion? Jeremy: No, it’s totally true. members of the Fuck Yeahs into the drum Takashi: I started my own religion. My Paddy: How much did you have to drink? set and cymbals. I brought the baby cook- own religion is “have a good time, no mat- [laughter] ies. I thought it was a good idea. Maybe it ter what.” Takashi: A lot. wasn’t. Drinks: kind of warm PBRs. Jeremy: He’s really a Hari Krishna. But he Jeremy: I was a straight-edger when I saw –Aphid Peewit. tries to keep it under wraps. the first ones, ‘cause I was six. Paddy: Let’s cut to the chase: how the Aphid: Was that up around Duluth? fuck have you guys been around for like Jeremy: Yeah. Aphid: After being kind of on-again, off- eight years and you just come out with Paddy: Do you think it was by chance you again over a number of years it seems like your first record now? saw UFOs – or do you think they singled you’re finally now right on the cusp of get- Jeremy: Not really, though. ‘Cause we you out? ting ridiculously popular. So let’s dive started the band and it was the Fuck Yeahs Jeremy: Dude, they’re after me. They’re right in. Would you guys ever consider and then we did a different band called the coming to get me. And the last time I saw signing to a major label? Collins and now we’re doing the Fuck one I was drinking, but there was five of Takashi: Which label? Major label? Yeahs again. So yeah, me and Takashi and them up in the sky. Jeremy: Would we ever consider it? Joel and Colin started it and we played for, Paddy: Where was this? Carlin: Actually, we’re on Interscope. what, two years or something, until 1998 I Jeremy: Up on the North Shore. I was Paddy: I guess the core of the question is: think, and then we quit. And then we didn’t camping and all the sudden this one do you guys have any ethics? [laughter] do anything forever again. And then me showed up in the sky and then another one And what are the ethics of the Fuck Yeahs? and Carlin started doing some shit and then and another one and another one. They Takashi: Ethics? We don’t have ethics. Shawn called me from Iowa one day and were moving closer and then going away. Jeremy: There. he’s like, “Dude, you wanna start a band?” The area where we were camping was lit Takashi: That’s what we are. No ethics. I was ready to quit doing the shit altogether up like a football field. Paddy: So the point of Crass was to battle myself, but I was like “Hell yeah!” And Paddy: Did that provide you with any sort against the hierarchy – being the govern- then we started doing it. of life-long epiphany? ment and fucking society. The point of Paddy: So basically you’re a band in spite Jeremy: No, it just scared the shit outta Youth of Today was to hip kids to the fact of your music. [laughter] me. [laughter] that they didn’t need to drink or do drugs to Jeremy: Well, it’s not the same band. It’s Paddy: You didn’t get a life lesson out of be cool and hang out. What’s the point of not at all the same – we just stole the name. that? the Fuck Yeahs? From ourselves. [laughter] Jeremy: Nope. 80 Aphid: How could you not? ed, though. Except our old demo tape from Paddy: Oooooh.... Jeremy: ‘Cause. It was just scary. It made before. Aphid: I smell money to be made. my knees knock. Shawn: How many different t-shirt Paddy: We’ll have to do the box set. Aphid: So how is it that you guys didn’t designs have the Fuck Yeahs had? [laughter] wind up on the No Hold Back Twin Cities Paddy: Like seriously. All tallied up. Jeremy: I don’t even remember any of the punk comp? songs that were on there. Those are like the secret Elvis recordings and shit. Aphid: But how did you wind up on Learning Curve? Jeremy: [to Paddy] Do you know exactly? How’d it happened? Paddy: Well, because I wanted to do it. Jeremy: Yeah, I think Paddy wanted to do it really bad and then Rainer kind of… Paddy: And I was doing Learning Curve with Rainer so it ended up on that. Jeremy: So yeah, that’s kinda how it ended up, I guess. Carlin: ‘Cause Paddy said so. [laughter] Paddy: It was because you guys were bored, homeless, and you looked sad.
Thanks to [email protected] for electronic and design help. Paddy: Yeah! Jeremy: Uh... a hundred? [laughter] Jeremy: Well, we’re crust punks. Jeremy: I don’t know. Aphid: How did you guys wind up on Paddy: We’re living in a time where it’s Aphid: That’s fucked up. You guys Learning Curve and not something like pretty easy – you know, you play some should’ve been on there, in one form or Nice & Neat? shows, meet some people, eventually you another. Jeremy: How did we wind up on Learning end up with a booking agent and maybe Takashi: It’s because everybody hates us. Curve, Paddy? you meet somebody from a label and you [laughter] Aphid: I remember a few years back, you get some glossy photos taken and they end Paddy: See, that’s the funny thing. It’s the guys were considered a Blue Worm band. up in fanzines. When do you figure an ugly opposite. And that’s why I couldn’t figure Paddy: Blue Worm? Like Brett’s label? fucking band like you guys are gonna fig- out how you guys didn’t wind up on the Jeremy: Yeah. He was gonna do a 7” of ure it all out? [laughter] I’ve never heard comp. ‘Cause you guys are one of those our first one a long, long time ago. you guys mention two words about a band weird bands – everybody loves you. Paddy: You’re kidding me. that has existed in the last fifteen years. Everyone who’s ever seen you, loves you. Jeremy: And we recorded it. Dude, there’s Well, I take that back – the Hard-Ons. Aphid: It’s a little sickening, really. lost Fuck Yeahs recordings. I forgot about What do you guys want to do with the Jeremy: We didn’t have anything record- that. band? 49 Carlin: Play. [laughter] I don’t know. I’d Carlin: I think that’s exactly what he’s Takashi: If I get deported. like to play more house parties. gonna say, “Fuck those nerds.” [laughter] Jeremy: Well, we’ll just get you a really Jeremy: Yeah, I’d like to go back to the Aphid: What’s your least favorite descrip- long cord. [laughter] So yeah, even if old roots of doing some crappy shit shows, tion of your band? we’re world-wide, we’ll still play. We instead of normal shows. I mean, we obvi- Carlin: Pop punk. don’t have anything to fight about. We’re ously aren’t like the most serious band. Aphid: So how would you describe it? gonna be geriatric guys sitting in wheel- Aphid: I know that at least one of you Jeremy: I don’t know how to describe it chairs saying, “You remember that one hates living in this state. Has the band ever exactly myself. It’s not anything original song?” “No, I don’t remember.” But then considered making a big career move and by any means. again, we don’t remember them now any- relocating to some warmer rock’n’roll Carlin: Well, it is pop punk – but it’s ways. hotbed? faster and stupider. Paddy: So, in this band, who’s the Jeremy: If we do relocate, we’ll relocate Jeremy: Pop punk is stupid as hell, well, Lennon and who’s the McCartney? somebody else to play as us. We’re gonna most of it is. It’s just cheesy typical “whine Jeremy: I don’t even know the Beatles, so start a franchise. We’re gonna find some about your girlfriend.” I guess if they were I don’t know what we’re talking about look-a-likes so owe can actually play six whining about it that they’d be some emo with that. towns in one night. [laughter] band. Actually, yeah, everybody calls us an Paddy: John Lennon played drums. Paddy: There’s actually two Gallaghers. emo band! Aphid: How about the Oasis brothers – They tour at the same time. Takashi: We are emo! who’s Noel and who’s Liam? [laughter] Shawn: I think when you have those two people, then you have a reason to break up. Paddy: So Takashi.... what band do you like being in more, the Fuck Yeahs or Sweet JAP? Or do you like either of them? Takashi: I don’t like both. [laughter] Aphid: If you guys were at a pot luck picnic and GG Allin showed up with a jello salad, would you eat it? [laughter] Takashi: I like GG Allin. Jeremy: I would eat his jello salad if he ate my carp casserole. Aphid: That seems reasonable enough. So who’s your favorite regional giant: Paul Bunyan, Randy Bruer or Big Gust? Jeremy: I don’t know who Randy Bruer is. Takashi doesn’t know who Paul Bunyan is. I like Andre the Giant, even though he’s not a regional giant. But I prefer him over Paul Bunyan. Aphid: How come you guys have no songs about giants? Takashi: That’s a good question. Carlin: Hey, give us time. Aphid: Are there any bitter ex-band mem- Paddy: You guys are emo if stupid is an Takashi: We didn’t think of it. bers that might someday sue you guys over emotion. [laughter] Jeremy: Because we’re all medium and the use of the band name? Takashi: I think that’s it. We are emo. we aren’t giant. So we just write songs Jeremy: There might be one in Seattle. Paddy: I can’t lie. I’ve been sitting on that about medium. Our buddy Colin. A super good guy. But line for two days. [laughter] Paddy: Who’s gotten the worst injury on he was actually trying to get us to get the Jeremy: That’s the funny thing. We actu- stage with the Fuck Yeahs? band back together a whole bunch of times. ally are all totally intelligent people. But Jeremy: We don’t really get injured. But But nobody had any interest in it at the with the music we just dumb ourselves we break stuff a lot. Takashi breaks a lot time, so.... down. of equipment. I threw my guitar at Colin Carlin: [under his breath] He’s gonna kill Carlin: How can you go wrong when you once and broke it. It got broken pretty us....[laughter] take yourself to the very bottom? What the good. Jeremy: Although, he came to our show fuck? What are people gonna say? [laugh- Aphid: Why is it none of you have beards and still liked it a lot. But that would be the ter] or mustaches? only bitter former member. Aphid: When you guys eventually break Carlin: I don’t think any of us can grow Paddy: Wait. Who’s a bitter former mem- up, what do you think it’ll be over? beards or mustaches. ber? Jeremy: We’ll never break up. Jeremy: I wish I could grow one in this Jeremy: Colin. Aphid: Gee, I think I’ve heard girlfriends weather, ‘cause it gets fucking cold. Paddy: Oh. He’s in Seattle now. That’s a say that before.... What is it, zero out right now? If I could hot scene. He could be bagging on you Jeremy: No, we’re like stupid brothers that grow a big old Grizzly Adams beard I’d guys out there. When this interview comes can’t get away from each other. We’ve do it. But I can’t grow facial hair. I’m a out he’s gonna be like “Fuck those nerds! I already had stuff happen that would break puss. used to be in that shit!” [laughter] up normal bands. Carlin: We’re gonna have a Fuck Yeahs Carlin: Jeremy’s the only one who has Aphid: The late breaking news, of grow-a-mustache contest. [laughter] anything to do with any of that. course, is that since the first interview Aphid: So it’s not like when Crucial Youth [cookie attack] Paddy has joined the band. Just how did say, “If you don’t shave clean, You’re not Jeremy: There are still songs that we play that all work out? part of the scene”, or whatever? live that I’m just like “Blah, blah, blah, Shawn: Who? Christmas pancakes? Jeremy: I kind of agree with their philoso- blah.” Aphid: What? Christmas pancakes? phy. I don’t like bands that have beards or Carlin: I think that’s our secret little trick Jeremy: Yeah, that’s Paddy’s name. mustaches. Hair’s over-rated. We have a that makes us write songs faster than some Christmas Pancakes. [laughter] But any- very strict image we stick to. people. ‘Cause Jeremy can fake… way, he kept asking me or asking Carlin Carlin: That’s in the contract: no mustach- Jeremy: Oh, I fake a lot of them. [laughter] “Dude, I wanna play with you guys, blah, es. Carlin: He can fake lyrics in time, like blah, blah.” Jeremy: That’s the one thing that would impromptu. Which is like a weird skill. Carlin: He’s got a big mouth. He talks break our band up is if someone doesn’t Jeremy: I’ll just think up words that don’t about a lot of things. But after a while it follow the band image and grows a mus- even mean anything. Eventually, we have started to be like more than a drunken… tache. lyrics for songs. Shawn: Well, he came up at one show
PART TWO Aphid: So will Paddy be contributing to and he’s like, “Dude! Did you hear? I’m the song list? playing in your band!” Aphid: Do you have any standard proce- Jeremy: Oh yeah. Everybody does. Aphid: So the rumors are true. It’s for real. dure for writing your songs? Shawn: It kind of sucks with me being out Jeremy: Yeah, it’s for real. We’ll see how Carlin: 90% of it comes from just fucking of town. We haven’t had a chance to write long it lasts. But it’s for real for right now. around at practice. anything. We come in and it’s like, go That breaking news is true. I know we’re Shawn: I think the better ones come from through the set, read it off the wall, run going to record this summer and he’s actu- there. through those songs, and then go play a ally going to at least record with us for this Jeremy: Mostly we just write them at prac- show. next thing. So he’ll at least be around that tice in two minutes. We go to practice and Jeremy: Yeah, for the last year we practice long. we just start playing nothing. And that twenty minutes before we play a show and Carlin: If he starts paying space rent, then nothing turns into something, kind of. But that’s it. it’s official. [laughter] then those somethings kind of really are [cookie attack] Aphid: How do you think his songwriting nothing. Carlin: That last show when Takashi was style will blend with yours? Carlin: I think it’s how long Jeremy and on Hideo’s shoulders. I mean, we played Shawn: The songs he brings are cool. I’ve known each other and played the same kind of bad but everyone’s like, “What the Jeremy: It’s like the songs he writes, at shit with Shawn, our chemistry’s tight. fuck?” least the ones so far, it’s a little more Takashi just fills stuff up. Jeremy: That one went over great. poppy. But dude, they match our poppier Aphid: So how do you sift through the raw Aphid: Where was that at? songs too. They’re the same exact kind of material and decide what to keep? Jeremy: At Grumpy’s where we were all songs. Jeremy: It’s what we remember. wasted completely off our asses and could- Shawn: And it’s not like he’s writing Aphid: But I just watched you guys prac- n’t even play. Takashi was passed out. We everybody’s parts. It’s like he just goes tice and there’s obviously some editing that had to wake him up to play the show. It “Okay, here’s what my idea is.” And takes place. was great. We sounded like shit, but it was everybody just plays. Carlin: Tonight was weird though. That’s a great show. Carlin: My worst fear is that one day not average. Most of the time they’re actu- Carlin: It was just goofy, but it was badass someone’s gonna say “Dude, you’re in the ally a lot faster and a lot more impromptu. because it was… Fuck Yeahs? You’re in Paddy’s band?” And they’ll be good. And if after we record Jeremy: Stupid. [laughter] [laughter] Which is all right. I guess he it, we’ll remember it at practice later and Carlin: That Triple Rock show was kind of deserves it. we’ll do it again. And once in a while, if a bust, but apparently it was all right. Shawn: And he’s super cute. it’s really good, it’ll stick. Shawn: Oh, you mean the one where we Aphid: Speaking of his cuteness, will he be Shawn: But then it changes a little bit were the Suck Yeahs? [laughter] permitted to indulge in nakedness on stage because you forget little parts. Jeremy: That one was all right. The one like he sometimes does with D4? Jeremy: If we remember a song it’s usual- before was our worst show ever, though. Shawn: I think anybody can pretty much ly one we’ll keep. ‘Cause if we remember When I broke my head open. That was the do what they want. them, then they’re good. But if we don’t worst one ever. I was hung over. Jeremy: Takashi always wants to get remember them, they weren’t worth keep- Carlin: I think if we could all tune up naked whenever he’s drunk. But he never ing. when we played, we’d be probably a step does. He’s like “I will get naked! I will get Aphid: What about the lyrics? ahead. naked tonight! You get naked too!” 51 he was like (imitating Barney from The Simpsons) “I’m gonna join your band too!” [laughter] Aphid: Hell, why not. All aboard. Carlin: We’ll have to get Hideo (from Sweet JAP) to play too. Aphid: Do you think there’ll ever be a Fuck Yeahs interview with Profane Existence? [laughter] Jeremy: Wha, wha, wha, wha.... [laugh- ter] Carlin: I doubt it. Jeremy: Well, if you ever see us at a Free Mumia rally, then maybe you’ll find us in there. But I doubt that’ll ever hap- pen. Aphid: There’s another rumor floating around about you guys. Apparently you’re possibly going to do a split record with Henry Fiat’s Open Sore? Jeremy: I’ve been talking to him. We’re trying to do our next record as a split 7” with those guys. It sounds like it’s probably gonna happen. Paddy and I are trying to get a thing where they’re gonna come over here in September and tour. Shawn: That’s fucking awe- some. Jeremy: As far as the split 7”, it’s depending on when they Shawn: Takashi gets shots. He just gets with: Venom or Agony Column? record their next thing. And fucking wild. I mean, that one show at the Jeremy: Agony Column. Henry Fiat’s recording a solo single right Rock Room – it was awesome. ‘Cause Carlin: Agony Column for sure, dude. now, too. So we’re getting them to come when his guitar breaks, it’s like “What to Jeremy: I would definitely want to play a over here and tour the U.S. As long as do?” Go in the audience! And he comes show with Devil Chicken and Bat Lord! they make it here, it’ll be all right. back and he brings back the guitar just [laughter] Well actually, Mantis, Abaddon Carlin: That would be awesome. But I’m destroyed. It’s like “Hey, where’s the and Cronos are pretty badass too. [laughter] content to play with Kruddler. [laughter] bridge?” So we go out in the crowd and But Devil Chicken and Bat Lord are way Aphid: Hey, you’re a punk band, right? find the pieces. [laughter] better. Agony Column was one of the best Do you guys use those new Misfits guitar [cookie attack] I’ve ever seen for how bad they sucked. strings? Shawn: [to Carlin] You whippin’ cookies [sings] “God, guns and guts!” Shawn: Are they black? [laughter] at me? Aphid: All right, here’s another probing Aphid: I don’t know. I haven’t bought Aphid: Carlin, I thought you would like question: who would you rather have guest them. Just seen them in stores. But they those Arrowroot baby cookies. That’s why I sing for your band: Tiny Tim, GG Allin, El have the Misfits skull on the front of the brought them. Duce or Wesley Willis? package. They’re real life punk rock gui- Shawn: He likes whippin’ ‘em at me. Carlin: Wesley Willis, dog. tar strings. I’m surprised you guys don’t Carlin: I do like them. I ate a whole tube of Shawn: Can we have Tiny Tim and Wesley know this shit. them. [laughter] Willis? Jeremy: Well, we aren’t punk rock Aphid: I know that Damage Deposit has Aphid: Actually, you can’t have any of though. We’re a folk group. [laughter] I had some problems at their shows with nin- them ‘cause they’re all dead. only play strings that are endorsed by jas. Have you guys had any ninja problems? Shawn: When did Wesley die? Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs. Jeremy: No. I think that’s a hardcore kid Jeremy: Last year. Carlin: It’s nine o’clock. I gotta go to thing. But we are ninjas. [laughter] Shawn: No shit. work. Shawn: Who the hell’s Damage Deposit? Aphid: Shawn’s been in Iowa. He doesn’t Aphid: I guess my questions about Aphid: Felix Havoc’s band. And Ben from know any of this. Objectivist Epistemology and Karl Sweet JAP. Jeremy: Wesley Willis, for sure, because Popper and Logical Positivism are gonna Jeremy: Yeah, everybody knows we’re real he’s almost as retarded as us. I like Tiny have to wait. ninjas. Dude, we play shows and we sneak Tim though. Jeremy: Actually, we’re very positive. up on stage so quick that nobody even sees Aphid: Now, with three guitarists you guys We’re more positive than Crucial Youth. us and then we jump out of the shadows. are kind of like a southern rock band. Sort The Posi-Machine looks like a negative But no, we don’t have ninja problems at our of a punk Molly Hatchet. record compared to our shit. shows. Hopefully we will though. But actu- Jeremy: Totally. ally, I don’t think we’ll ever have ninja Aphid: One more guitar and you’ll be in The Fuck Yeahs: Learning Curve problems ‘cause we’ll take care of them. Blue Oyster Cult territory. Records, c/o Amrep, 2200 4th St. NE Shawn: We’ll represent. Shawn: Actually, Billy (from D4) the other Minneapolis, MN 55418 Aphid: Who would you rather do a show day – he was really drunk at the bar – and
I SAID, “YOU AIN’T CRAZY. YOU’LL BE CRAZY BEFORE I GET THROUGH WITH YOU.” Bradley: Long way. you know? Let me get one of them beers. I think so.” Freddy Krueger put out some Matt: It’s curvy. Real curvy. want to take that with me. movies. He made a lot of money, he did. I Hasil: They got them. They call it a Big [Getting up to go to the car.] like his movies, I do. She don’t like ‘em. I Tater Dinner. Man, it’s good you get all you Bradley: You want me to put these in the said, “What do you mean you don’t like can eat. They got hash brown taters, gravy fridge? ‘em? He may be some kin to you, and worth and eggs and bacon and sausage and every- Hasil: No. you can’t get nothing in there. you something.” She said, “I don’t like thing mixed together. Boy, you talkin’ It’s full. scary movies.” I said, “Well, good.” about good. They are good. You get a big Matt: What’s your favorite scary movie? plate of it. [We drive on back in towards Madison or Hasil: Huh? [long pause] Danville, I don’t know which. Maybe we hit Matt: What’s your favorite scary movie? Hasil: It ain’t far. It’s about six or seven both, but when we got to Tooters we found Hasil: They got so many. I like ‘em all, miles down the road there. it was really called Tatums and they were really. I like Boris Karloff’s doings. Buddy, Bradley: There’s one in Madison? he made some good ones. I Hasil: Madison, Danville, it’s all thought he did. [To Matt] You there together. like Boris Karloff movies? Bradley: [to Matt] You want to hit Matt: I like Vincent Price. the Biscuit World? Tooters. Hasil: Boris really tried to Hasil: They got Dairy Queen and invent a human being. He tried Tooters and Taco Bell… to make one, but he couldn’t Bradley: If we go get biscuits, get it made. you gonna ride with us? Got this old fella, [pause] Jamie. He was out in the coun- Hasil: Yes, I guess I could. You try, stuck in the mud. In a thir- like to, we could go up to Danville ty-seven Chevy. up there where they have a lot of Reeeeheeeheee and haaaaa. parties. They probably got a party [truck sounds] He couldn’t get going on now if you want to go out. He looked up over the up. That’s down there in Uneda, mountain and there’s a castle way back, if you want to go up up there and the lights was on. that way. We can go up in a few There weren’t no other place to minutes if you want to. You’ll go, and it’s just pouring down probably like it up there. rain, and he said, “Well, I just Bradley: [to Hasil] You want to got’a get some help.” So he go eat? went up there and knocked on Hasil: I want to bring it home with the door [Hasil knocks on the me. I eat at night. I don’t eat it all dashboard] Eheeeehhhheeee- at one time. Just eat a bit alone. heeeyyy [Hasil sounds out the I’ve eat that’a way all my life. I creaking of the door.] Boris eat me a bite or two then work a Karlof said, “Why, Amy!” I while, then eat me a bite or two, mean “Jamie.” He said, “Ha. I and drink another beer and work a never thought I’d see you up while. [excited] We’ll go if you here.” “Oh, oh, no,” he said. want to. I’ll go with you. Let’s “You know when we went to ride up to Davis awhile and see college and they thought I was what’s going on. It’s just right up crazy? You didn’t think…” He the road there. Just a little ways off said, “Oh, no, no, no, I didn’t the road. It’s hard top. It’s a good think you was crazy.” [aside] road. He was scared to death and try- Bradley: We ain’t got no pick up ing to get away. He said, “Oh, truck so we can’t hit no big ruts. (PICTURED ABOVE AND ON THE FACING PAGE) no, no. A little bit unusual, but Hasil: Oh, no, no. VARIOUS ITEMS FROM HASIL ADKINS’ HOUSE. not crazy.” [aside] He was Bradley: I’ll walk up a hill. making all kinds of little Hasil: It’s hard top. Did you drag coming closed. So we rolled over to the local KFC women. He said, “What’s all these people over. and picked up three orders of popcorn running around?” He said, “That’s my new Bradley: Huh? chicken and some tater wedges. From there invention I’m working on.” Scared him to Hasil: Did you drag in that car coming we drove around town a little bit. There did- death. He said, “Oh, oh, oh. Not crazy, just over? n’t seem to be that much going on, and a little bit unusual. I didn’t say you was Bradley: A little bit. When we started com- when we did pass some teenagers standing crazy. Just a little bit unusual, I didn’t say ing down. on the side of the street, Hasil rolled the you was crazy, just a little bit unusual, Hasil: You gotta watch out for them ditch- window down and yelled “Hey!” I guess man.” [laughter] He had to get out of it ers. Get up on the side of them ditchers and they jumped ‘cause Hasil got a kick out of it someway. hold on. On your right or left one. If you go and let into a series of different skat-guitar One time, this ‘ol drunk was going right down through the middle, you will songs. As we got out of town, things quiet- down the road on Sunday mornin’, and this drag. That’s where that water come down ed down in the car for a few minutes.] ‘ol preacher was in behind him. And he was off the highway and warsh ‘em all out. a-weavin’ across the lines back and forth in Bradley: So you gotta hit the edges. Hasil: What’s your girlfriend’s last name? a pickup truck, and he said, “That poor soul Hasil: Let’s go down there and see what’s Amy what? up there. He’s gonna wreck and kill him- going on. They’ll fix it to go or whichever- Matt: Qurales. self.” Then he thought out loud. He said, way you want to do. But they’ll fix it to take Hasil: Mine’s Krueger – Freddy Krueger. I “Boy, I better hit the gas on this thing and out with you. Or anything, said, “You kin to him?” She said, “I don’t get out around that drunk before he runs me 56 off the road and kills me.” So he hits the gas – back over the ground and stuff. It goes all Hasil: Right up here. Slow down now or and goes out there, and hits a slick spot, flip the way back over here, back past where I you’ll drag. Slow down or you’ll drag. Hold over, and go over the mountain. Bang. live and ever’thing. it over here as close as you can. There you Crash. Boom. All the way to the bottom. Bradley: They’ve got a lot of coal piled up go. Now don’t get too far or we’ll go over And that drunk backs up in that pickup out here. the hill. I’m on this side. Most people come truck and looks out over the mountain and Hasil: I know. Oh they’ll get it all before down right. You see where ever’body dri- says, “Are you hurt, preacher?” “Nooo. they quit. There won’t be none left. Too ves? I say you ain’t supposed to do that. Thank you. I’ve got the lord ridin’ with much money in it. You go up one way and come out another. me.” And he the drunk said, “Well, you bet- Bradley: Do people get pissed about that? That’s the way you keep it patted down. ter let him ride with me ‘cause you gonna Hasil: Oh yeah. They wanted to take the When they run in the same tracks, that’ll kill him the way you doin’.” [laughter] tops of the mountains off and take it out raise that middle up. It’ll keep comin’ up Bradley: Shit. that’a way. when it gets wet, bowing up. Before you Hasil: One time, this ‘ol man, he know it, you ain’t got no muf- went out – he was way back, you flers or anything. know old age – he had to figure [We pull back up to Hasil’s out someway to make money. He trailers.] said, “Well, go out there and put Matt: How’d you get that tour up signs on billboards.” And they bus down here? put a big sign up; “It’s a coming.” Hasil: Drove it down here. He left it up about two weeks. Hasil: Look at that rabbit. This People just kept ah lookin’ at it bottom’s full of rabbits, it is. around that town. He put up You can go down the back way another sign about two weeks there and they’re runnin’ later; “It’s ah coming.” They were ever’which way. That dog there wonderin’ what that was, you – Rat – he caught two. He out know, just kept lookin’ up won- run ‘em. I said, “You better run derin’ what that’s gonna be. He fast.” He did, and I said, come back about another month “That’s alright now. Go back later and put up another sign. It and get another one.” said, “It’s ah coming and it’s Matt: I can’t believe you got gonna be right here in your town that bus down here. and everybody wants to see it.” Hasil: That road is wider than Well, everybody got interested what you think it is, with all started wonderin’ what it is. The them weeds growed all the way. night of the show, he come back [Hasil directs Matt to drive and told what it was gonna be on right up to his front door.] Go the sign. Oh, the place was on now right over yonder. packed. He was takin’ up all the money. He just had two people [We all get out and head back workin’ with him. Said, “Well, into the house. I stop and play the show’s about ready to go on. with Rat for a minute.] You better go back there and pull the curtains so the people can see Hasil: Just give me mine. I’ll the show.” Well, he went back eat it. Some girl up in there and pulled the curtains, and Bloomington, Indiana put up on here’s another big sign. It said, the internet, and said, “Buddy, “It’s Gone.” [laughter] They paid I’ve never been in the groove so to see that sign. People probably fine and so happy in my life, killed him before he got out of and I never been so sad, and town. He was selling signs, man. I’m tryin’ to figure it out.” It wasn’t no joke. It’s gone. ‘Cause I cut the songs that’s on [laughter] there and she’s tryin’ to figure Matt: You get a lot of snow up here? Matt: I guess it’s a lot of people’s liveli- ‘em out. But she loved the show and that’s Hasil: Sometimes. It ain’t been in the last hood. A lot of people’s jobs are at stake. the only thing that counts. Jim said, “Oh, few years, but we’ll probably get it this year Hasil: Progress, they call it. I say, “Yeah. that’s good. She come across good with it, – a big one the way, they’re talkin’. Yeah, it Go, progress. We ain’t gonna have nothin’, the way she figured it out. Sad and lonely used to get four feet deep back here. just level it all off.” It’ll be all level before and good and in the groove.” Everything’s blocked. You can’t move or you know it. Bradley: [With a mouth full of chicken] do nothin’. [Hasil goes back to telling jokes.] What goes on for Halloween around here? Bradley: What do you do for food and There’s this one time the boy and girl went Hasil: Ah, they do everything. Block the warmth? on in town and parked in the dark, back road. Hasil: You stay in. Hold off till it lets off, over the bridge. Fooled around there about Bradley: They block the road? then go out. five or ten minutes, and that boy said, “Hey Hasil: Get tires and coffins and set ‘em on Bradley: In Robinson they got these big baby, I wish I had me a flashlight.” She fire with gasoline. Law’s got to get out – towers that the coal come dropping out of… said, “I wish you did too ‘cause you been fire department and everything’s got to get Hasil: Yeah. Them temple things? eatin’ grass all night, man.” He wanted a out – and put it out. They do! Bradley: Yeah. flashlight so he could find it. Said, “I wish I Bradley: They’re raising some hell on Hasil: Yeah. They pull coal out of all them had me a flashlight.” She said, “I wish you Halloween. mountains with them things. They quit did, too.” Hasil: I been out there on Halloween I haulin’ and went to pullin’ with them things Matt: We about at your driveway? know how it goes. You can’t 57 get no place. You try to put it out and they Hasil: You got videos of ‘em? out, man. Cut some more songs in that terri- throw rocks at you – they do – and big Matt: I took some photos of them. tory and let’s get a whole album of that kind poles. Hasil: I’ve got videos of them. Crazy, man. of songs.” Bradley: They up in the woods? They’re playin’ in New Orleans. Bradley: Is this the set up you use when Hasil: Yeah, up in the rocks and the moun- Halloween. you’re playing? tains, where they can see you. I’ve seen Matt: With you? Hasil: Uh huh. Where you can get to ‘em them burn the highway up – they did – and Hasil: Yeah same show. quick. You have to be quick. Tryin’ to keep you have to turn around and go back the old Matt: You gonna be in New Orleans for the guitar going and everythin’ else at the way. They couldn’t get close. They had a Halloween? same time. YOU CAN GO FASTER IF YOU TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF. bunch of boys and girls Bradley: And you hit the key- throwin’ rocks, and they tried board with your elbow? to get in there to put it out and Hasil: Yeah. I set that up on they wouldn’t let ‘em. They this side and I got an accordion just kept throwin’ rocks at I’m playin’ with my left foot ‘em. “You come out of them when I’m playin’ the high hat. I woods!” They wouldn’t come gotta nail it to the floor. out. I was there. I had to back Wooohooo. And the saxophone. up and go the other way. And, oh, I got a flute and lord, I Rocks was flyin’ ever’which know, I got a whole pool of way. They had the whole, big, instruments. I’m blowin’ in at wide bridge, man. Half of this the same time, put ‘em back trailer and over the wall there, where you can get to ‘em and the whole highway up. Tires keep playin’. Oh, it’ll come out and stuff. They had everything pretty good before I get done. piled up. Logs and everything Bradley: I want to see how you burnin’. play that saxophone and still Bradley: You get a lot of peo- play guitar. I can figure maybe ple coming down here? you take that saxophone, hit the Hasil: Yeah. I stopped it, strings and chord with this hand though. Too many. They run and blow and play with one, but you crazy. Coming all hours that’s just a guess. There’s a of the night and day. I say, “I guy down in LA who plays a cain’t put up with this.” ‘Bout drum on his back and he’s got a time you get sobered up, here bass guitar and he’s barefooted comes another bunch. “You and he stands on the bass. want to drink?” “Awh, I quit.” Hasil: I kick my shoes off most Bradley: I hope we didn’t of the time, man, ‘cause them mess you up coming by. shoes is heavy to pick up and Hasil: No, no, no. I love for down. You can go faster if you you all to come. A lot of ‘em take your shoes off. around, just want to come. I Bradley: That makes sense. said, “Don’t do that. Let me (Time dragged by as the pop- know before you come.” And corn chicken settled with the I tell ‘em, “No, you cain’t beer in our stomachs. It was come. I’m busy. I’m workin’ getting time to check out.) on tons of stuff. Tryin’ to.” It Hasil: Good to meet ya’ll. was awful – blowin’ on the Matt: Nice meeting you Mr. horns, knockin’ on the doors, Adkins. beatin’ on the windows, and Hasil: Watch that highway. beatin’ everything. And I said, “Hey! I’m Hasil: Yeah, Halloween. They’ll run over you and kill you. Then you tryin’ to sleep some.” They don’t pay no Matt: How long to you usually go out on won’t be here no more! attention to that. They didn’t, but they do the road for? Bradley: Mr. Adkins, I appreciate you let- now. Hasil: We’re getting’ ready to go out for ting us come by. Bradley: Did you get the baseball bat after two or three months at a time. We’re cam- Hasil: Thank you. Write me a good story. them? paigning! Gonna make a song about Bush. Don’t write anything bad. I know every- Hasil: Yeah. I had to get everything after They said, “Well, you get the song made thing’s bad, but you can figure out some ‘em. and we’ll put it out and we’ll get to cam- kind of good stuff to put in there, cain’t Matt: You got a new record coming out paigning.” I wish I had that song out where you? pretty soon? you could here that. I cut it a long time ago: Bradley: I’ll see if I can find one or two Hasil: Just any day. “What an Awful Shape This World’s In.” good little things to say. Matt: All right. I’ve seen the Demolition People say, “Right now, Hasil, would be a Hasil: [laughing] You all take care of your- Doll Rods. good time to put that out.” I cut that in selves, okay? Hasil: I put on a lot of shows with them. 1948. They say, “That sounds just like Hank For more information on They’re crazy. You like ‘em? Williams.” I said, “I know, but it’s me.” It’s Hasil Adkins, visit: Matt: Yeah. a pretty song. Jim loves it. He said, “Put it
Interview by Todd Taylor and Sean Carswell Photos by Todd Taylor
Randy CD was playing at Razorcake HQ on They’ve learned to go back to the roots of rock’n’roll the first day that Todd and I got to work and take the best from musicians like Little AAfounding this magazine. I wrote about Randy Richard, Woody Guthrie, and Lee “Scratch” Perry for the editorial of the last issue of Razorcake. In and blend all of that with healthy doses of fast and between that time, I’ve listened to the band relent- vicious punk rock. They throw in a little bit of lessly. I’ve watched them grow and develop, come to Turbonegro-style big rock sound, and they top it what seemed like a zenith with the album Human with intelligent lyrics. When it’s all put together and Atom Bombs, then follow it up with the equally- it’s so tight and so fast and so catchy, Randy is a great-but-different album, Welfare Problems. I’ve band that could be the next Clash. Hell, give them gotten a little protective of the band. When The enough time, enough shows, enough room to grow Hives made it big a couple of years ago, my first and Randy could be bigger than the Clash. So I thought was, oh shit, Randy is gonna be next. For a thought about all of this when Warner Brothers long time, I thought of The Hives as a bargain bin signed The Hives. I braced myself to lose another of version of Randy: a band that had all the energy and my favorite bands to the bowels of large corpora- tightness of Randy, but without the same complexity tions. Luckily, though, Warner Brothers kept their to their songs and lyrics. Plus, both bands are from heads in the bowels of their large corporation and Sweden and play together a lot. I couldn’t imagine passed right by Randy. We’re all better off for it. So, that Warner Brothers could be so close to Randy instead of wasting time complaining about great and not recognize that these guys could be huge. bands that sold out, Todd and I were able to catch up with one of the great bands that didn’t. 60 Their songs are so bouncy, so infectious. Randy is: you love playing in a band and you love a big influence for us. Stefan Granberg: guitar, vocals your girlfriend and you want to be with her. Sean: How much do you guys read? It Johan Bränström: guitar, vocals I think it’s about that. comes across in your lyrics that you’re pret- Johan Gustafsson: bass, vocals (not pre- Todd: On more serious levels, what made ty well-read. How much time do you guys sent for the interview) you do a song about the anarchists in Spain spend reading about history, or just other Fredrik Granberg: drums (not present for in the 1930’s, “Proletarian Hop”? I think a books? the interview) lot of people don’t really know what the Johan: I read more earlier. I don’t read as context of that is. Can you just give us a much now. Sean: I’ve got kind of a weird question to short explanation of that? Todd: Would there be an author that was start off with. Why do you guys sing in Stefan: I see it as a war against fascism. really influential in your thought, that kind English? The meaning of the song is that I think that of politicized you? Johan: I don’t know, actually. We’ve been the Spanish Revolution still exists because Johan: I like George Orwell a lot. singing in English for ten years now. It’s we still fight fascists every day. The mean- Stefan: Karl Marx. just the way it’s always been with Randy. ing of that song is that it’s not over, we’re Johan: Yeah, Karl Marx. We’ve always been singing in English. still fighting it. There’s still people that Stefan: Reading Das Kapital was, for me, Sean: Do you have Swedish versions of any believe it’s worth fighting. We read a lot the biggest revelation of the world. It tells it songs? about the Spanish Revolution, and it’s been like it is. It’s just an explanation of what Johan: No. Stefan: It’s like, all the music we started listening to was all in English, and we want- I think that the Spanish Revolution still exists ed to be like the other bands. Todd: What’s in the name? I don’t even because we still fight fascists every day. know why you guys are called Randy. Johan: Just a name. It doesn’t mean any- thing for us. Stefan: We took it from the dictionary because it meant “horny.” Johan: That was ten years ago, so it was more funny back then. Sean: Going back to the album Human Atom Bombs, what’s the best story you guys have about “The Summer of Bros”, the summer of 2000 that you wrote the song about? Stefan: Pretty much the whole summer was amazing for me. I moved to a different city and I met all these people that I had a really good time with. We just said to ourselves that we’re not going to be bored, we’re going to have fun no matter what, so we just tried at least. But it was a good summer, so we called it “The Summer of Bros” because we were all these guys just hanging out. Todd: Your early stuff is a lot more dog- matic. There’s not a lot of humor in it. When do you think that you conscientiously put humor and fun into your songs? Because a lot of political bands can’t put that together. Stefan: I don’t know. It’s something that just happened by trying to write honest songs about how you feel and being honest with yourself, and that’s the way it ends up. But it’s true, it’s easy for people to enjoy it when they see that we are humans, because we are not special people. We are not living any different than any other person. And we’re funny guys, so that comes across. [laughs] Sean: Well, on the personal stuff, the newest album seems to have more personal- type lyrics, and in one of those songs, you say that you’ve become your own worst enemy. How so? Stefan: The bass player wrote that song, so I don’t know. You mean “My Heart, My Enemy”? Sean: Yeah. Stefan: I think it’s about being on tour and always being drunk and having a girlfriend at home that doesn’t like that. So it becomes Johan: I got a hole in my head, but it got fixed. It’s kind of scary. capitalism is and how it works, so reading know too much about the circumstances happen to the world in modern day. it, you get to know what a machine is and surrounding. Johan: Maybe your governor. why salary is what it is. I think it’s just Sean: How did he find his way into your Todd: I think you’d need two sets of gog- very, very, very hard to read, though. We song? Because, I mean, he was a Swedish gles for that. He’s got a really thick skull. had a book study, doing it together with revolutionary. Sean: Just so we can get a different per- some friends, talk about it every chapter. I Stefan: It’s just a name you come across spective, an out-of-the-US perspective, fell asleep every time I read it. when you read books about stuff like that in explain what’s so weird to you about Unbelievable. Just open the book and three America, just we were just trying to be a lit- George W. Bush. pages later…[makes snoring noise]. tle bit fancy, use big words like Joe Hill. Johan: Everything. It’s like a fucking joke. Todd: You both have to answer this ques- [laughs] There was an interview on the TV the other tion. Since you’re both Swedish, what is the Johan: He’s probably more famous in day, and I couldn’t even watch. I just started best Swedish invention? America than he was in Sweden. laughing. Johan: I think it has to be the ball bearings (Joe Hill was a Swedish immigrant, a song- Sean: Do you remember what he was say- for skateboards. writer, and an influential member of the ing? Stefan: I don’t know, actually. I don’t know Industrial Workers of the World. He was Johan: He said the same answer to every any Swedish inventions. famous for writing a lot of popular, pro- question, just the same terrorist words. Todd: I came up with the adjustable labor and anti-corporate songs. He was Stefan: If you go back in history, you have wrench, and… accused of murder in Utah in 1914. He was all these people who were president in dif- Johan: The ballpoint pen? convicted on flimsy evidence and killed by a ferent countries, like Lenin. They wrote Todd: They made the ballpoint pen, too, firing squad in 1915. Most evidence sug- books about politics, and they were politi- and the flame torch. gests that Hill was sleeping with a married cians for real. They knew stuff. It’s become Johan: What about dynamite? woman at the time of the murder, and he less and less like that here in America. Like Sean: Since you’re Swedish and you men- refused to use her as an alibi. –Sean) in Sweden, our guy…he’s a dumb asshole, tion him in one of your songs, do you think Todd: If you could get x-ray eyes for one but he knows a lot about politics, and you Joe Hill was guilty of that murder? day and be transported anywhere in the could have a debate with him and he could Stefan: I don’t know. I haven’t read so world to look at one thing, what would you answer all the questions. George Bush is much about him. look at? probably not going to be able to answer one Johan: I don’t think so, no. Johan: It would have to be George Bush’s question about politics at all. He’s just a Sean: What do you know about him? brain. I’d like to see what’s going on in face, and that’s scary, because he’s still like Johan: Not too much, but what I read, I there. the leader of the world. think he’s not guilty. I don’t Stefan: He’s the most dangerous thing to Sean: You guys remember when we had a 62 president named Reagan? you’ve covered Prince on a compilation. Todd: Johan, is it true that you almost died Stefan: That was the same way. I think that Are you going to cover Dolly Parton or delivering stuff? started somewhere there. Motorhead anytime soon? Johan: Yeah. Johan: I think George Bush is worse, actu- Stefan: They’re too close to our hearts. Todd: How did that happen? You were ally, than Reagan as I remember him, but I [laughs] working for a delivery service, and what was not too old back then. Todd: Are any other covers floating happened? Was there a big accident? Todd: I think that George Bush has been around, anything that you’d kind of like to Johan: There was a car that crashed into able to reverse so many things so quickly, stretch your brain around? mine. I fainted and then woke up in the hos- as opposed to Reagan having eight years. Stefan: I have one country song that I’m pital a day later. It’s amazing how quickly things that you thinking about trying. Todd: Did anything get broken? thought were set were turned around. On a Sean: What’s that? Johan: I got a hole in my head, but it got different note, you guys got nominated for a Stefan: I don’t know the name of it. Willie fixed. It’s kind of scary. Grammy in Sweden, is that correct? Nelson does it, and Merle Haggard, too. Todd: Have you ever written a song about Johan: Yeah. [singing] “Dance all night, dance a little that? Todd: Has anybody wanted to get a piece longer.” [“Stay All Night (Stay a Little Johan: No, but maybe I will sometime. of Randy that you didn’t want to give them? Longer)”] It has a good riff and I think it Todd: Swedish people like to drink, is that Has someone come along with, “We got the would work, but we write so many songs correct? Do you guys have any drinking sweetest deal in the world, but only if you that we almost don’t need to. Those are the rules? I don’t know if this is an international do this”? Are people coming up to you and only songs that we’ve actually played rule, but no matter where you are in saying, “If you wear these really fancy besides some Bruce Springsteen songs. America, if you’re drinking and you don’t pants, we’ll give you ten thousand dollars,” That’s about it. want to get fucked with, you take your or has it just been pretty okay? Johan: I think it’s been okay. Stefan: Yeah, nobody wants us. We get some clothes from different companies, but we don’t even have to wear them if we don’t like, and it’s not that much at all. Todd: So no one’s come up to you and said, “Can you advertise this fried chicken for us?” Stefan: It’s more like our record company wants us to do a tour with a band we don’t like and we say, “No, we don’t want to do it.” They’re not okay with it, but they know that it’s gonna be that way. Sean: Talking about the music, you guys kind of seem to have shifted from some of your earlier sounds you brought in Queen influences and things like that, and the last couple of albums have been more like ‘50s rock and roll, ‘60s rock and roll. What led to that shift? Stefan: I think we discovered that if we took one more step back in musical history, we could take one step forward. It’s a cliché answer, but it’s true. We started going back really far, like ‘40s and ‘50s, just discover- ing how rock and roll started and what hap- pened with that. We got into a lot of the New Orleans music, Fats Domino and Little Richard, and when we tried to put it into punk, we discovered that we sounded more like the Clash than we ever did before. It made sense, though, because they were also interested in music history and stuff like that. We even had to stop and say, “Oh my God, this is too much Clash,” and it wasn’t really supposed to be that so we had to change it. But I think we have to have something challenging to do if we’re going to write a record or else we won’t be able to do it good. We still put so much energy and heart into every record. We could do anoth- er Human Atom Bombs, like everybody seems to want to hear that record more, but we can’t enjoy it if it’s not a challenge. Todd: Do you fear it’ll become a job if that happens? Stefan: I think so, and it’s just no fun mak- ing those songs again. Todd: You’ve covered Lita Ford, and ...we got too drunk before we played and fucked up a show. After that we said, “Oh, we can only drink five real beers before the show and ten mental beers,” so if you really want one more beer, you can just think about it. But now, we don’t care about that. We fucked it up.
shoes off. That way, when you fall asleep, happened in Sweden to inspire that song angry, thinking about all the neo-liberals people can’t mark you up. “Dirty and Cheap”? fucking selling out our country and every- Stefan: We had a rule when we came here, Stefan: Sweden was a country that believed thing that our fathers and everybody built because the last shows we played in in the welfare program, building up hospi- for everybody. Sweden, we got a little too drunk, because tals, good schools, good roads. Everybody Todd: On the same token as that, Sweden’s we’re on the Weight Watcher program… was for that and working with that. We did- number one export besides stuff like iron or Todd: You’re on the Weight Watcher pro- n’t have commercial television until about wood is music. Doesn’t the Swedish gov- gram? ten years ago, and we didn’t have commer- ernment give stipends or money to bands? Stefan: Yeah, but not like following it. cial radio like that, either. And it was like Johan: They do, but it’s not for us, anyway. Actually, I lost like sixteen, seventeen kilos all kinds of music had to be played all the We don’t get extra shit. in the last couple of months or so. time. It was supposed to be good for differ- Stefan: They have to fill out a form to ask Johan: And we got too drunk. ent cultures, like jazz and stuff like that had for it, and we’ve gotten it once, I think. Stefan: And we got too drunk before we to be on the radio, too. And now they’re Johan: I think we can’t have it because played and fucked up a show. After that we selling it out, selling out hospitals and sell- Burning Heart is owned by Epitaph, so it’s said, “Oh, we can only drink five real beers ing out the railroads and schools and every- not an export. before the show and ten mental beers,” so if thing. It’s just becoming like here. And all Stefan: A lot of our friends get it, though, you really want one more beer, you can just this stuff, even though it’s not as radical as and we know a guy who plays jazz and think about it. But now, we don’t care about I’d want it to be, but at least it’s good makes his own records. He got a lot of that. We fucked it up. because you can go in school, you can get a money from that. Johan: We did it for one show. meal at school, you get free dental care until Todd: Are you guys well-liked in Sweden? Sean: Damn. I only have serious questions, you’re eighteen years old, and all this stuff Because in America, you’re not very well I don’t have any drinking questions. What is better than nothing. It just made me known. I mean, you haven’t 65 played California before this weekend, but Swedish music scene smaller because of you do? Like, Bad Religion is not afraid to you’ve toured Canada twice. Why do you geographic reasons? Do you think that in make the same record over and over again. think that is? Have you ever tried to do a Sweden, differences within the punk scene Your earlier stuff is good, but it’s not half full American tour? are more accepted? as interesting as your last two records, Stefan: We wanted to do it all the time. It Johan: Very much so. which are extremely interesting, because wasn’t like we had anything against it, but Stefan: We know pretty much every band you’re going from so many directions, but like in Quebec, they said, “Oh, these people in Sweden. Fireside, the Hives, all those you have a good punk rock foundation. like you. They want you to play,” and then bands are good friends. We know DS-13. You’re exploring these different things they fixed everything. Nobody ever did that They’re from the same town. without losing that foundation. Do you in America. We felt like, getting older now, Todd: Umea? think that would be a possibility for that? we don’t want to go on a Can you name somebody tour by ourselves just you had conversation playing for twenty people with where it clicked, every day. We’d rather like “Oh, I kind of want wait around for a good to follow up on that”? opportunity to play like Stefan: I think the band this for more people every who’s changed so much day than we would on a for Swedish music is The whole tour. We waited for Soundtrack of Our Lives. that and the opportunity Just the way they play didn’t come along for their guitars and the way fucking years and years. they build their songs. We were supposed to The last Fireside record come here before was influenced by them. Christmas, I think, but we We put a little bit of that didn’t get the tour support in this record, Welfare that we needed. Problems. But I think Johan: It’s kind of expen- people like us as friends, sive. We’d have to borrow but I don’t know if they a lot of money from the like our music. They record company. think we are kind of a Todd: What’s the last rev- strange band. They think olution, either in a movie we are good live and or a book or anywhere, funny guys, but I don’t that you saw and said, know if they really like “Man, that looks like a lot the music. I don’t care, of fun”? either. Stefan: I would say The Todd: You recorded the Matrix, but the last two ska single for free. How movies fucked it up. The did you get it for free? first Matrix, I thought it Stefan: It’s a big studio was mind-blowingly good; where all the students it was a serious movie. work in the town where The last two were just bad we grew up, and they action movies. have these projects they Todd: What’s the longest have to do, like record distance you’ve gone to a some stuff and play it for show in a taxi because the teachers. They asked your van broke down? us if we wanted to record Johan: It’s gotta be when because it’s a big studio. we smashed a car in the We had to be there for northern part of Canada two days, I think. where we actually didn’t Everything that came out go in a taxi, we went by of that studio sounded police car. like fucking crap, Stefan: Actually in though. But it’s a really Sweden, our van broke good studio. down and we don’t even Todd: In what ways know where. That was would think that you about fifty miles. yourself are fucked up, Todd: Do you guys get in more or less? a lot of accidents? Stefan: You’d have to Johan: It seems like it. ask him about that. [laughs] Stefan: Yeah. I think they wrote a song Todd: This is personal reflection time. Todd: What’s the most baffling high-tech about the scene and the town, and we’re a Stefan: We drink too much alcohol. device you’ve seen in recent history? part of that. Johan: That song’s not just about us, it’s Something that you see somebody with and Todd: That’s kind of nice that it’s not frac- about everybody. It’s kind of hard to you don’t understand why they have that. tured within such a small scene. be making a change because every- Stefan: Electric guitars. [laughs] Stefan: It’s kind of just stupid musicians body seems to be fucked up, more Todd: DS-13, who you guys sound nothing hanging out with musicians. or less. like, gives you guys props in a song. Is the Todd: Do you think that reflects in what 67 ARIZARIZONAONA ROLLERROLLER DERBDERBYY
INTERVIEW AND PHOTOS BY WEZ LUNDRY If you think Roller Derby is an archaic, and daydreamed about what we were going to 1970s-era sport, think again. A new genera- do. It took us about three weeks before we actu- tion has emerged in cities across the USA, ally started skating. fueling the rebirth of Roller Derby. This Mayhemily: I came in about a month after they time, the women are in charge of their own had already started. Mostly through word of game; most have backgrounds in punk rock mouth, I heard about it from random people and are steeped in DIY and are making it talking about it. This girl came into the restau- happen themselves, with huge success. rant where I work and said her sister did it, so I Arizona is one such scene. In about six got the information from her friend. I didn’t months, the women went from nothing to roller skate before. hosting a 600-person crowd out for blood, Wez: Did you start skating here (at the roller and the league now has five teams (in rink)? When they had open skating? Phoenix and Tucson). The bouts are a spec- Brown Fury: Yeah, we got a schedule and tacle: there’s no denying the sexiness factor came down here. (c’mon, short skirts, tattoos, frilly under- Ivanna: She couldn’t skate at all when she pants, and girlfights – and if those don’t turn came down here, and now she’s one of the best you on, you ain’t American) but there’s also skaters. the can-do factor (an excellent example for Brown Fury: I wouldn’t go that far… others), the athleticism (if you think it’s easy, Wez: Must be the disciplined training that pays you try it), and the overall fun factor. The off. bouts are fueled by loud music and beer (and Ivanna: The real difference is that the people bands in between skating) and the teams are who have heart get good fast. Just like anything. already developing cult followings. I recently People who are putting their asses into it are the spoke with the three Phoenix teams’ captains ones getting good. For some people it comes (Mayhemily of the French Kiss Army, easy… Brown Fury of the Smash Squad, and Wez: When was this taking place? Ivanna Spankin of the Bruisers) to get the Ivanna: July, 2003. story behind AZ Roller Derby. More info can Wez: When was the first bout? be found at
IF SOMEONE TOLD US TO WEAR THESE OUTFITS, WE’D SAY FUCK NO. BUT NO ONE TOLD US TO.
Wez: Yeah, they’re from Vegas. They’re going Ivanna: Okay, that’s not the same. But the to play the benefit too, right? eighties’ roller derby where they had the figure Ivanna: Yeah, and she’s gonna start up a eight thing… league in Vegas. So there’s about eight leagues Wez: Oh yeah, I remember seeing that. now. Ivanna: They have all of these planned moves, Wez: No Seattle, San Francisco, or Portland? and someone will come out and everything will Ivanna: Not yet. stop, and someone will jump the whole pack. Brown Fury: Plus some people still have the It’s exciting, it’s fun, but it’s not what we’re spandex thing goin’ on. doing. The primary difference is where the Ivanna: Yeah, it’s San Mateo or somewhere money is coming from. We’re all punk rockers, like that, the LA Bombers, and an LA team, the we get our money from the local bars that we Thunderbirds, of the old spandex leagues. drink at, the local record stores – those are our Wez: What are the spandex leagues? sponsors. And they have one guy who has all Brown Fury: They wear spandex, and it’s like the fucking money who is the owner, and they seriously big hair, skating. It’s choreographed, have to have TV sponsorship, or else they don’t like a big money, TV, wrestling-style roller do a game. derby. Wez: How did you get your crew of assistants Ivanna: They think we’re doing it all wrong. together? But there are still scattered spandex leagues out Ivanna: They came to us. We called them the there, but they are all watching to see what hap- sharks for a while but they didn’t like that, so pens with us, since people are starting to get they started calling themselves the monkeys. excited about roller derby again. Brown Fury: They’re just friends or Wez: To ride your success maybe? boyfriends. Ivanna: Actually, none of the boyfriends stuck. Half of the boyfriends are at my house right now, in the carport, drinking beer with my hus- band and complaining. Mayhemily: Everyone kind of knows one another, and one guy gets involved, and then everyone helps each other out. Wez: What does it take to pull off a bout? Ivanna: Going into it the first time, we didn’t know what the fuck we were doing, so we just made it up as we went along. My former job was as a project manager, so I guess it comes naturally thinking up what the problems would be and thinking up how to solve them. So, we had so many girls and so many people who wanted to help we just made a list of what we needed to get done. Like, nobody’s gonna come if we don’t have beer. It seems like a miracle now that we ever pulled it off. The whole thing runs on enthusiasm. Wez: What about this place, the roller rink? It seems really conservative. You walk in the door, and it struck me the first bout. There are signs that say stuff like, “Your hair must be combed neatly, no hats allowed, your clothes must not be unkempt.” Stuff like that. Brown Fury: They looked at us like we were nuts when we first came here. Ivanna: Rich’s wife didn’t care for us when we first came in. She’s a figure skater. And they took one look at us and said “No.” We asked if BROWN FURY we could have private practice time, and they Wez: What are the prerequisites for joining? told us it would be, like, a million dollars an You talked about insurance. hour. So we went to a rink in Chandler and got Ivanna: You have to have insurance. Have to. it for $250 for two hours. You have to be able to commit to two team Wez: What did they say here? How did you get practices a week. them to sell beer here? They have “no loitering” Brown Fury: And attend meetings. signs. You can’t hang out in the parking lot. Ivanna: We’re starting a book of rules and reg- And all of a sudden there are all these people ulations with committees, like the event com- with piercings and tattoos showing up for roller mittee who figures out what events we should derby. be flyering at. It’s like having a band, times a Brown Fury: But there’s also a lot grandmas thousand. and kids. It’s totally mixed. Wez: How much do the skills differ between Ivanna: It was easy doing what we wanted to the girls? do here. By the time we decided to have a bout, Ivanna: We have girls who show up, who have we had already talked a lot about what we need- never, ever skated. And then we have other girls ed to do to get people to come. We had done who show up, like Liz, one of the brand new bake sales and car washes and talking to a lot of girls – she’s super, super fast. She’s been a jam people, so we knew we had to have beer. When skater her whole life. She’s gonna fucking we told Rich, “If we could sell beer here, we smoke ‘em today. could make a fortune.” And we’ll give him part Mayhemily: There are some beginners. For the of it. And we did, too. We sold a lot of beer at most part, no one was really a roller skater. I two dollars a cup. We make a lot of money off think some people roller skated as a kid, but I of beer. don’t think anyone has been hanging out in the Mayhemily: They treat us differently. That is roller rinks for the past fifteen years. Some peo- for the general public. No one has told us that ple catch on quick. you can’t wear a hat, or your tights are ripped. Wez: What about injuries? We pay the up front costs. Ivanna: At first, we had a bunch of injuries, Brown Fury: We go through a lot of kegs. mostly knee injuries. Wez: I’ll contribute to that. Wez: My mom told me when I was about six- Ivanna: People appreciate that it’s not seven teen that girls would never like me because I dollars for a beer. always had scabs on my knee. Wez: Like the Marquee! Ivanna: We like scabs! We always have rink Ivanna: That’s just one of the many things that burn. when we were putting this together, it gave us a Brown Fury: We don’t have too many broken chance to be on the other side of the fence for bones. Emily’s always injured from skateboard- once. And we weren’t going to fuck it up. It’s ing. We have one girl who got a concussion, so our friends who are coming, who we’re inviting we wear helmets all the time. to come and see us. Ivanna: Just the ref who got tackled on his Wez: That’s what it seems like at bouts, a lot of birthday. The girls wanted to give him a spank- friends. But there’s also a bunch of other peo- ple. I was telling Emily that I saw a bunch of creepy guys with cameras trying to take incog- nito shots. That’ll be on some website. Ivanna: Like of our asses? Seriously, those website guys are doing as much as anybody else to get the word out about roller derby. I mean, sure if they’re looking for a titty shot or what- ever, but, y’know… Brown Fury: Well, we’re already walking around like hookers… Wez: There’s a certain sex appeal that is hard to peg from a guy’s point of view. “It’s a bunch of girls skating around in short skirts knockin’ the shit out of each other in frilly panties, shit, sign me up!” My wife thinks it’s rad, too. You can’t deny that aspect of it. Ivanna: If someone told us to wear these out- fits, we’d say fuck no. But no one told us to. We sat around and thought about it, and we want freedom of movement. And we gotta have frilly underpants! There’s something really cool about it that appeals to guys in one way and MAYHEMILY girls in another. And it appeals to my grandma. She loves roller derby. Even the old timers who come here say, “It’s great what you’re doing, but do all of those girls have to have tattoos?” And the little kids are stoked. Wez: What about girls who drop out? Why do they do it? Brown Fury: Money, or time, or having to do fundraisers every weekend. ing, and they broke his leg! I think some guys average roller derby girl? join because they want to get beat up by the Ivanna: You have to be at least eighteen. Our girls. liability insurance won’t cover anyone under Wez: I saw that at the last bout, a guy getting eighteen. Average girl is probably about twen- his ass kicked. ty-five, but I noticed in Austin most girls are a Ivanna: That was Poobie. Poobie quit. We little older, like late twenties, early thirties. We called him Boobie, because every time he was have a lot of punk rockers, but we are starting trying to pull girls off of each other he went for to get some girls who have already been skating a tit. Every time. Every time! We were like, for a while. Like right now, the latest batch of “Poobie, think you can grab a pussy next time?” girls we got, all of them know how to skate. Wez: No way! Cheap thrills! That sucks. But I Anyone can join. have great pictures of him getting his ass Mayhemily: You’ve got to have the time and kicked. But if you’re a guy and you’re getting some money to buy pads and skates and have I DAYDREAMED ABOUT ME BEING THE PLAYBOY BUNNY AND KNOCKIN’ ALL OF THESE CHICKS OUT OF MY WAY in a fight with a girl, it’s a lose-lose situation. health insurance. But it’s just an interest in You either kick her ass and you look like a doing it and a little extra cash to spend on it. chump for fighting a girl, or you look like a Nobody’s turned away. chump because a girl beat you up. Wez: Have your nicknames become your new Brown Fury: You can’t really do much about names of choice? What are some of the best it. names? Wez: What are some legendary brawls on the Ivanna: Everyone calls me Ivanna. Only my rink? mom calls me Denise. I like Juwanna Beatin’. Brown Fury: Everybody thinks they’re fake And Brown Fury! That’s so dirty! but they’re not. None of them are staged. Once Brown Fury: Sharon Needles! Mayhemily is a it’s over and done with, it’s done. Me and good name. Hellen Wheels got into it, but we shook hands Mayhemily: It’s kind of funny. After the last afterwards, so it’s not a big deal. Nobody holds bout, we went to the Rogue, and the same a grudge. It’s gonna happen. We fought a lot crowd went over there, and you could here peo- during the last bout. Sue Nami started a few. ple saying “Oh my god, that’s Mayhemily” or Bam Bam is famous for fighting. “There’s Sue Nami” or whatever. And so they Ivanna: I hate all of the fighting. It always hap- were dorking out on us and using our roller pens when I’m jamming and I’m ahead. And all derby names. If you don’t know our names and of a sudden it’s a pile of underpants. see us, that’s all you’re gonna have to go by. Mayhemily: Things happen so quickly that Wez: You guys have fans. you’re just rolling around and, before you know Mayhemily: I know! It’s weird. People it, you are in a fight, or you are helping out a ask you for your autograph and I sign teammate who got in a fight. It just happens Mayhemily. It’s totally funny. really quickly. It’s all real. There’s nothing staged. Wez: But the guy’s are all going, “Yeah!!!” Ivanna: The tension is high. I suppose it’s only natural that we get into fights. Wez: You guys seem to take practice pretty seriously, but overall would you say it’s more serious or fun or a combination? Ivanna: It’s a lot of work, but we always have fun while we are doing it. Brown Fury: As everyone has gotten better, and put more into it. They realize that it is a sport and to really try harder. Before we prac- ticed and went to the bar, or practiced really hung over. But now everybody wants to do their best. Ivanna: I think Emily really brought the game IVANNA SPANKING up for all of us. She came in as a real athlete, and she had a hand in making everyone realize that it’s not all just fun and games. Mayhemily: Roller derby is growing really fast, getting a lot of recognition, so there are a lot of options and business things to deal with. And to get to the next level you have to practice and you get structured, and I think that’s where we are getting. And we are paying for it too. We are paying, so we might as well get our money’s worth. Wez: Who can join? Who does join? Who’s the Dan Monick’s Photo Page
Indiana, 2002
North Carolina, 2003
Florida, 2003 because, at least for these moments, anything seems possible all over again. Please note: If you’re –Puckett (ADD) an established record company, and you send ANGELVILLE: Can’t Go Home: CDEP us a pre-release without Straight edge hardcore that plays like a all the album art, we’re soundtrack to a panic attack or going through the day with a high level of anx- probably going to throw iety. Metallic riffing and the screamy that shit away... vocals keep things aggressive. If you have little penis syndrome, like me, cock gobblers. bands like this are a good remedy. Weird name for a label. –Donofthedead (Happy Couples Never Last) 324: Across the Black Wings: CDEP If you are a fan of the grind band ARROGANT SONS OF Terrorizer, this is in your ballpark. BITCHES: All the Little Listed as a three-song EP, there actually Ones Are Rotting: CD is a fourth song. Once a three piece, 324 Just your run-of-the-mill ska-punk out- now has expanded to four. Singer fit. What points they may have earned Masao no longer handles bass duties by maintaining their DIY status they and focuses strictly in the yelling. lost the moment the first song started. Sakata, the drummer, is the other There was an “enhanced” portion to this disc, but I wasn’t feeling masochistic remaining solid piece of this confusing It was like the minute I had my head bobbing puzzle. He provides intricate drumming enough to subject myself to it. –Jimmy that sometimes seems so out of control or my foot tapping, they switched gears faster Alvarado (www.asobrock.com) but well-calculated. It seems like every release the band has a new guitarist. It is than an ambidextrous hooker without much ATOM AND HIS PACKAGE: Hair: Debatable: CD/DVD true once again here. With the addition endurance in her right hand. of Shinji, the band takes their Terrorizer Final show from the outsider artist (and worship and infuses hardcore and crust –Toby certified high school teacher), who sings to the mix. The tempos are more varied and plays guitar to songs he wrote on but do not sacrifice the intensity. If you sequencers. The current Atari-Nintendo are not a fan of metal, you need to walk good or better. If you watch closely on banner that some wish would have restructure dance scene probably owes away here. This band leaves tire marks the video, Rikk no longer plays many of remained buried, I just hear a great him some credit. Catchy, hilarious, and like a bad ass muscle car with a tur- the solos he used to play. His brother band, not afraid to listen to a broad – as evidenced in the bonus DVD – bocharger. Aggression, speed, and Frank has basically taken on all the lead swath of music. They let it ripple the entirely humble. With songs about power is the cocktail of rage that is guitarist duties. Great band and great waters just a little bit. In the corners, of friends, street hockey, parties at the released. One of Japan’s little treasures release. I watched this more than a few all things, in the guitars I hear early ‘80s North Pole, how stupid the team name that I hope one day will make it to these times and that says a lot. It just makes underground pop, especially the Cure. of the Washington Redskins is, the effi- shores to corrupt the anger in us. me want to go out and see them again. Hats off. –Todd (Fat) ciency of the metric system, and mov- –Donofthedead (HG Fact) –Donofthedead (Kung Fu) ing, Atom is the high-pitched bedroom AGENTS OF SATAN: nerd who makes punk anthems through AGAINST ME!: The Old Testament: CD his own tight universe. It’s infectious. I 7-10 SPLITS, THE: challenge you to not sing along to Yard Sale: CD As the Eternal Cowboy: CD Pseudo-satanic grind that manages to This stinks. Imagine the worst possible I’m poorly ripping off Replay Dave invoke the memories of both Intense “Happy Birthday, Ralph, I love you, outcome of combining early Queers (Grabass Charlestons) right here. We Mutilation and early Cryptic Slaughter, even though you are fucking disgust- with Sloppy Seconds. Not funny. Not talked about this album at length. This which means it isn’t particularly accom- ing.” High quality DVD also includes a even dumb. Just boring. If this were a is, secretly, Against Me!s third album. plished and the joke ran out of steam couple of documentaries and a music cereal, it’d be regular Alpha Bits. Yawn. Zig and zag as you may, there are cer- somewhere around the middle. –Jimmy video. –Speedway Randy (Hopeless) –Maddy (Big Neck) tain inevitable mistakes on a band’s sec- Alvarado (Intolerant Messiah) ond album. Everything from growing AUTOMATIC: self-consciousness, “improved” playing ALTAIRA: Weigh Your Black Ink Rising: CD ADOLESCENTS, THE: Live at Had a real tough time with this release, the House of Blues: DVD & CD technique, and the availability of a bet- Conscience: CD EP I saw this at the record store and almost ter studio can distract bands (“What I really should recuse myself from ‘cause there’s something buried in their bought it. I had seen the band last year does that knob do?” “Can we do solos?” reviewing this record, but since Antonin sound that I really like. It’s almost like and this year and the shows were “You got a theramin?”), especially if the Scalia doesn’t have a problem adjudi- they’ve taken a nugget of Hüsker Dü absolutely incredible. The songs are bands had a modicum of success with cating his conflicts of interest and his drone, wrapped it in sandpaper and twenty-plus years old and they stand the their first full-length. (Against Me! had, decisions have far-reaching implications lodged it firmly somewhere behind the test of time. I never tire of hearing them. well, much more than a modicum.) I’m which substantially affect the lives of guitars. The problem is there’s all this The Adolescents were one of the first not suggesting that there’s a wholly myself and others, I’ll happily assess the emo sludge surrounding it and keeping punk bands I got into and saw live. My unreleased, in-the-vaults Against Me! virtues and merits of these seven songs, it just out of reach. Look, you don’t expectation level for this DVD with album, I’m just floored at how much especially since I became friends with have to front, guys. Drop any and all accompanying CD was not too high, but different yet the same this album is these people largely because I’m a fan arty pretenses and just rock the fuck out. I would buy it for sheer sentimental compared to Reinventing Axl Rose. The of the band. First of all, certain bits of –Jimmy Alvarado value. My expectations were surpassed. mistakes I’m so used to hearing in Southern California and Florida punk ([email protected]) Taped using seven cameras and having sophomore jinx albums just aren’t there. are so similar that the regions sound like all original members, minus one, Casey Here’s the unmolested template for they’re separated by a county, not a AVSKUM: Punkista: CD Royer, the sound and footage is amaz- Against Me! Acoustics are the core, country. I’m not talking about the bro This band is from Sweden and has been ing. On drums is Derek O’Brien, who wrapped around voices, strings, and hymns from HB or combat-wounded playing on and off since the early ‘80s. many of you might recognize from poundables. Basically, what could be grindcore; I’m thinking of the drunken, It’s fast and furious, like Discharge, but Social Distortion. This is definitely done at a punk barbecue, all revved up anthemic, heroic gestures of defiance some of the songs are a little slow, too. addition by subtraction. His drumming and written impeccably. Anthems that offered by bands which live in vans, There are a total of fifteen songs on is more precise and he brings up the you’re not ashamed to sing, that sort of don’t bother to replace broken strings in here. These guys are not happy with all tempo of the songs compared to Casey thing. Differences: overt politics are the middle of the set because they didn’t the war, capitalism, and injustice in the playing recently. Songs performed are redirected to powerful personal policies need that one anyway and simply strive world. Although the lyrics are in broken from the infamous and classic blue LP, and inflection. Rally cries seem to be to do something that most horse race English, you know exactly where they Welcome to Reality 7”, Brats in coming from the inside, not just part of handicappers would put beyond their are coming from. If you are a fan of Battalions LP and new songs from their a small group. There’s a lot more reach. It’s quixotic and noble, some- Prank, you will love this CD. upcoming LP. For many of you who singing on the Eternal Cowboy. thing more realistic than futile but far –Mike Beer (Prank) didn’t get to see the original line-up Fuckin’-a Tom and Andrew can sing less practical than most people will ever within the last year, you will miss out. and I’m glad they’re given more of a be capable of understanding. Sure, peo- AWAY FROM NOW: Casey has pulled out again to focus on chance. There are a lot of subtle differ- ple used to more polished and less nour- Sic Semper Tyrannis: CDEP D.I. and Rikk Agnew just plain fell out. ences in the music, too. Although there’s ishing fare may find it rough around the Mixture of Hot Water Music and Replacing Rikk in the current incarna- been some minor backlash with Against edges, but this is the shit that always has Thursday meets tough guy hardcore tion is another Social Distortion alumni, Me!, This Bike Is a Pipebomb, and the me dancing, that makes me forget about from Australia. Fit your profile? Do you Johnny Two Bags. I have seen this line- Hair Beard Combo as being jamboree the small and large insults and indigni- need this? –Donofthedead (Pee) punk, picking up the Young Pioneers ties that tomorrow will inevitably bring 76 up and it’s every bit as AXES OF EVIL: rumblings inside the volcano. Gone are Married to America: CD Jimmy the Truth’s bass troublings. Gone A politically astute punk band mired in a are the Didjits by way of Florida swamps bog of clichéd metal riffage. Really, real- drumming. It almost sounds like a band ly wanted to like this, but overt headban- that hasn’t gelled completely yet, or is gin’ fodder makes me stomach churn. structured completely around Alex, by –Jimmy Alvarado (New Regard Media) design. It’s definitely not ass, but it’s also not the carpet bombing similar to the BANG! BANG!: Plane of Jars I was crossing my fingers Top 40 7”s Do You Like It?: CD for. Perhaps it’s because the musicians Did you know that back in the ‘70s the play more as soloists instead of in gang Alice Cooper Band were forced at gun- tackles. Perhaps “I Claim This One in the point by Mick Jagger to write and record Name of France” sounds unfinished, Vinyl: an album with the lippy Glimmer Twin? when I’ve come to expect complete uni- I didn’t either. But here it is. And if one verses with the folks involved with this It’s not just for listen isn’t enough to convince you of the CD. I’m still listening to it. Maybe it’ll verity of this recently come-to-light fac- crack wide open later. –Todd toid, then just check out the lead vox on (Newest Industry) pants anymore. this disc who coyly goes by the moniker “Jack Flash.” Like that isn’t a total give BOLIDES, THE: away. But wait a minute... now he Science under Pressure: CD These are the Sixties-inspired trash rock, with maybe sounds like Richard Hell. Man, after that top 7”S since first song I was certain it was Mick the slightest dash of Devo thrown in for Jagger. I guess it doesn’t matter ‘cause I color. The songs go on a bit longer than the last mag. never liked either one of those over-cher- maybe they should, but otherwise the ished suckwads. So to answer the origi- ride is relatively rockin’. –Jimmy nal question, no, I don’t like it. But the Alvarado (Dionysus) Underground Medicine Mailorder, Conneticut hot blond chick bass player on the other hand... –Aphid Peewit (Heads Up) BREAK THE SILENCE: Near Life Experience: CD Spanish Girls (Zaxxon Virile Action) BBQ: Self-titled: CD It’s not that this predictable, metallic, 1. Kidnappers, As a fan of both the Spaceshits and one Fat-styled punk featuring former mem- 2. A-Frames, Crutches (Royal) bers of Rise Against and 88 Fingers man bands, I can’t even begin to tell you , The Joy of Killing (Lollipop) how let down I was by this. The guitars Louie is bad – it just isn’t interesting. 3. Briefs have a pretty cool sixties garage sound to Sure, it’s melodic. Sure, it sounds like 4. Helen Keller, 2x7" (Deaf Ear) them, but then the guy goes and fucks it No Use For A Name and Lagwagon (so , Talk About You (Dollar Record) much so that I wondered if Boss had 5. Flakes all up by opening his mouth. No matter , Pink Palace (Dirtnap) how open-minded I may be about music, started making a Fat effects stompbox). 6. Diskords I cannot and will not embrace sock hop Sure, it has an At The Gates cover. 7. Winks, Spoil Me (Super Secret) music. Ever. –Josh (Alien Snatch) However, there is very little here to dis- , Cigarettes (R Styles) tinguish this album as something new, to 8. Buttfrenchers , You're So Selfish (Rapid Pulse) BEFORE BRAILLE: Cattle fix it at any point in time other than the 9. Deadly Weapons mid-1990s and at any place other than Punching on a Jack Rabbit: CD Lost Sounds, No Control (Holy Cobra Society) Some really cool cover art of a cowboy Southern California. If you’re young and 10. wranglin’ dogies while riding a jack rab- want to reminisce about how mainstream bit (and you though it was just a clever punk sounded ten years ago while still album title), all of which is totally wast- purchasing something new, this album is ed on bad post-emo art rock. It’s crimi- perfect. If you’re anything like me, you Know Crap Mailorder, nal, I tell you. –Jimmy Alvarado should skip to the next review which, for Oregon (Sunset Alliance) the record, is exactly what I’m doing. 1. Suburban Reptiles –Puckett (Hopeless) , self-titled (Raw Power) 2. Mr. California BIZARROS: Can’t Fight Your , Annoy Your Neighbor, (Armpit Toast) BROKEN BOTTLES: Way Up Town from Here: CD 3. D-Cup, Shark Attack (Hostage) A new release here from one of Akron’s In the Bottles: CD more obscure proto-punk bands. Nearly Broken Bottles is one of my favorite 3. The Drips, Mexico (Hostage) thirty years after they first plugged in, bands right now. I love to see them live, 3. The Indigents, Brain Dead World and I can’t listen to their seven inches (Hostage) the tunes they slang still sound like a 3. The Pegs, self-titled (Hostage) product of that time, yet also seem more and EP enough. So I was really excited 7. like an expansion of the sounds they to get this, their first full album. Now The Buttfrenchers, Cigarette (Rstyles) that I have it, I have to say, it’s pretty began mining back in the days when they 8. Skip Jensen & His Shakin' Feet were playing songs like “Lady cool, but I’m not blown away. I think this , Evil Weirdos (Yakikasana) is probably one of the best albums of the Dubonette” and “Laser Boys.” There’s 9. The Bags, Disco's Dead (Artifix Records) still that schizophrenic quality to their set year, but it’s not as impressive as Broken Bottles’ previous releases. They’ve list, swinging back and forth from arty 10. The Cheeraks, Cheeraks Are No. 1 bar rock to growling rockers with ease. If included some of their best songs from (Yakikasana Records) you have no preconceived notions of the EPs on this, like “Gothic Chicks,” what “punk” should sound like, are “Kelly Osbourne,” and “Bloody Mary,” musically adventurous, and can appreci- but the new versions of these songs are a ate when a band has obviously put in little slower and a little cleaner. To be Disgruntled Mailorder, California some good work, this is recommended honest, though, I prefer them faster and ‘cause these guys remain at the top of dirtier. Some of the new songs are really their game. –Jimmy Alvarado (Clone) cool, too, like “Drinking in the Rain” and 1. Real Losers, Go Nutzoid (Wrench) “Sixteen Forever.” And “Pink Swastika” 2. Clocks, Time Is On My Side BLACK COUGAR SHOCK is pretty funny. As a whole, these guys (Shake Your Ass) UNIT: Self-titled: CDEP have taken the best of Southern 3. Diffs, Living Chaos (Headline) Another tough review. I know this California bands like Social Distortion, 4. Smut Peddlers, TSOL, and the US Bombs and devel- Exit Plan (Ransom) band’s pedigree. The core is Alex Ulloa 5. Texas Terri/The Speed Kings – Panthro UK United 13 and House on oped a rad new sound with it. I highly , split (Devils Shitburner) Fire (if you need barns to burn, or do a recommend this album. I just know that 6. Hunns, Time Has Come Today these guys have more punk rock in them (Disaster) lineup of who your best friends are, put 7. Broken Bottles Sound of a Gun on. Whoever remains than this album shows. –Sean (TKO) , Bloody Mary (Revenge) has passed that test properly). It’s Alex’s 8. BellRays dominant voice and guitar work that BURY THE LIVING: Burn , Warhead (Bronx Cheer) This Fucking Nightmare: LP punctuate this CD. That’s the good news. 9. Red Onions The voice is still commanding. The Wow, I could’ve sworn I heard that these , Live Wire (Revenge) lyrics still penetrate like the smell of gas guys had called it quits, but here’s anoth- 10. and the flinting sound of a lighter (“bring er album from ‘em. Same drill as on pre- Holly Tree, Anytime, Anywhere (Headline) out the dead who fill your head”). The vious releases, meaning you get super- bad news is that gone are the intricate fast, super-pissed hardcore and oodles of tunes spread over both sides of this disc. Does it rock? You know it, daddy-o. with Olivia Newton John) t-shirts, CLONES: Need a Wave: CD get together and consciously opt to –Jimmy Alvarado (Soul Is Cheap) turned them inside out, and spray paint- Punky pop that owes more than a little make bland, faceless dreck like this. ed of them (If you look closely to the of its sound to ‘70s power pop and ‘80s Pick a grind metal band, any grind metal CASUALTIES, THE: picture of George, you can see there’s a new wave. Would’ve had no trouble band. Yup, they sound EXACTLY like On The Front Line: CD sticker over his Xanadu shirt). The prob- finding its way onto a Powerpearls them. –Jimmy Alvarado Members of The Casualties, we need to lem? They spelled “chiefs” wrong. It’s comp if it had been released two (Robotic Empire) talk about your flair. We want you to stayed “incorrect” ever since. Since decades ago. –Jimmy Alvarado express yourself. Now you know that it Flipside went under, Dr. Strange has the (Dirtnap) CRYPT KICKERS, THE: is up to you whether you want to just good taste and sense to give this excel- We’ve Come for wear the bare minimum of buttons, lent slice of punk a re-issue. –Todd COACCION: Invertebrado: CD Your Daughter: CD patches, colored hair, mohawks, liberty (Dr. Strange) D-Beat from just a hair south of the bor- This is a lot looser than their earlier spikes, chains, spiked studs and leather der. This Tijuana, Mexico band is anoth- album, Lamentations of the Living or not. Now if you feel that the bare CHINA WHITE: er marker to show that punk continues Dead. I have a feeling there was a lot of minimum is enough, then, OK, but Live Cheap: CD to thrive all around the world. Like drinking while they were recording. I some bands choose to wear more. We Another total surprise this time around, Solucion Mortal a couple of decades keep thinking it’s broken neck rock- encourage that. People can listen to and one that is more than welcomed. before them, the band delivers some ’n’roll, but I have no idea what the hell music anywhere, they listen to punk for For those not in the know, China White harsh ass music. Lyrics sung in Spanish that means. There’s a cover of the the atmosphere and the attitude. That’s was one of the original Southern are translated for the gringos, who can’t Muppet’s “Movin’ Right Along,” what flair’s about. It’s about fun. You California punk/hardcore bands, who accept the fact that Spanish is the unof- though I don’t remember “I like to eat want to express yourself, don’t you? managed to release a couple of comp ficial second language. I’m not a gringo, brains because they taste real fucking OK, great. That is all I ask. And for tracks and an absolutely crucial EP, but I have the tiniest understanding of good” being a part of the lyrics. I think those of you paying attention, if you Dangerzone, before imploding. the language. Recorded in what I this album will be reserved for party have heard one Casualties album, you Collected here are mostly live cuts from believe is the now defunct Burnt o’clock listening, while Lamentations have heard them all. –Toby various places, both from the band’s Ramen, a raw but brutal recording is will hold its place in my high rotation. (Side One Dummy) original incarnation back in 1981 and documented. This is worth every penny – Megan (Crypt Kickers) the recent incarnation playing “reunion” that I paid to get this. I just wish this was CAUSTIC CHRIST: shows not too long ago. Live versions of released on vinyl as opposed to the DAKAR AND GRINSER: Can’t Relate: LP most, if not all, of the tunes from the EP worthless format we call CD. Are You Really Satisfied?: CD I was really feelin’ their gallop-speed, are here, and the sound quality and per- –Donofthedead (First Blood Family) Some sounds do not die. Rather, they pissed off hardcore sound, and would formances are great. Extra special treats lay deep beneath a musical surface wait- venture to say that I would easily con- include the two tracks from their origi- CODE, THE/ WHATEVER ing for the right time to emerge. Take sider myself a fan, but covering nal demo that were previously only IT TAKES: Split: CD Dakar and Grinser, for example. From a Flipper’s “Ha Ha Ha” was a mistake. available on the Life Is Ugly So Why Not This was originally released as a split quick scan of the CD jacket, it appears What’s next, a cover of “Xanadu”? You Kill Yourself comp, and two live videos 10” on Spent Records. Now, due to a that the German label, Disko B, released simply should not mess with perfection, for those of us lucky enough to have good response to the 10” it’s available their album Are You Really Satisfied? kids, ‘cause you never know what’ll computers. Limited to 500 copies, so on CD. Each band has three songs on back in 1999, but it is only now that the happen. Next thing you know, the earth you might wanna think about selling off this CD. The Code starts off with some piece has reached American shores. As shifts on its axis, chaos ensues, and your sister in order to procure your copy fast paced punk songs. The last track has for the music, think of something you Bush gets a second term. In short, my or something and, trust me, it’ll be some ska parts. The lyrics to these songs might have heard in 1989. New wave friends, buy, play loud, play often, but worth it. –Jimmy Alvarado (Malt Soda) concentrate on how the world needs to was dead and Nine Inch Nails had yet to never, NEVER play the last song on be changed for the better. Whatever It introduce the mainstream to boys in side two. –Jimmy Alvarado (Havoc) CIRCLE TAKES SQUARE: Takes contains Chris #2 from Anti-Flag. black nail polish and the metal-cold As the Roots Undo: CD Their songs are fast punk songs for the four-to-the-floor of industrial music. CAVE 4: First off is the cool packaging, great art- most part, except for the last track, Bands like Nitzer Ebb and Front 242 Sheena Was Right: CD work, and the fear that I will truly hate which is a mellow, almost emo song. were churning out single after single of A potent potpourri of punk, garage rock, this. At first glance, I’m truly scared that The lyrics seem to be about life and sur- brutal rhythms that seemed the antithe- and surf instrumentals. The singer this is going to be emo. My fears are viving to live the next day. The Code is sis of the era’s dance music fodder. sometimes sounds like Javier somewhat correct. This band, to me, has currently writing material for their sec- Dakar and Grinser have captured that Escovedo’s German love child. Some emo overtones. But the music alters ond full length, which will be on A-F sound, seemingly at a time when it had solid tunes sure to spice up your sum- from the blueprint and dives into other Records. Whatever It Takes is currently fallen completely out of fashion. mer bash quite nicely. –Jimmy Alvarado places. There are dual male and female on hiatus while Anti-Flag goes on tour. I Witness the unholy animal lust of “Take (Swindlebra) vocals. The music goes from progres- can’t say I was into either of these Me Naked” and the urban decay of sive rock to full blast beats of rage. Will bands, but what they do, they do well. If “Walking in Acid Rain,” two tracks that CHEIFS, THE: I listen to this again? I don’t know. this is your cup of tea you won’t be dis- sound as if they were culled from Al Holly-West Crisis: CD –Donofthedead (Robotic Empire) appointed. –Mike Beer (A-F) Jourgensen’s repertoire. Even the decid- I love the Cheifs. They were a defining edly more disco tracks, “Stay with Me” moment in punk music for me. Not very CIVIC MINDED FIVE/ COMPLETE CONTROL: and “Professional Slackers” have a def- widely known, they were Hollywood SWING DING AMIGOS: Vicious Ones: 7” inite black-lipstick-and-dog-collar vibe. punks who played in LA and OC punk’s Split 7” These guys come from Austin, TX. The Of course, if you really are feeling the initial waves in ‘80 and ‘81, gigging Live, the CM5 kill. On record, I don’t singer sounds like the singer from Youth sinister dance vibe, there is always the with the Germs and X and, later on, the know what it is, but they’ll have a per- Brigade, but by no means are these guys duo’s cover of “I Wanna Be Your Dog,” Adolescents, Angry Samoans, and fectly good song and then do something a Youth Brigade clone. Complete which reminds me of 1000 Homo DJs TSOL. The Cheifs were great in that “funny,” like add chicken sounds or say Control plays a killer mix of mid-paced cover of Black Sabbath’s “Supernaut,” they took the newness, nihilism, and “ickyickyicky” over and over again. It’s punk/hardcore. All the songs are catchy where the dance and rock elements bal- swinging of Southern California’s first okay on first listen, but it gets irritating. and have a great melody to them. Plus, ance perfectly. The aforementioned wave – from the Gears and the Plugz – I understand the need to mix things up, the musicians do a great job and the track is the album’s underground hit, so but weren’t scared to put a bit more and bend two poles together that aren’t recording is good, too. As a bonus, you chances are you may have heard it in a spastic speed into the mix. The perfect usually touching – much like the get this on marble gray vinyl (or at least club or record store recently. bridge between two short-lived eras. Fleshies do with classic rock riffs and my copy was). I definitely would buy Regardless, check out this album if you The thing that gets me, when I mention Cows-like weirdness – but I’d really just this record and see these guys if they are feeling a bit nostalgic for your old them to the populace at large, I get like a CM5 record to blast me all the ever came to my town. A great record by Wax Trax collection. –Liz O (Disko B) shrugs. It may be that they didn’t have a way through, just once. It’s even harder a so-far great band. The best thing I cool logo for t-shirts or that, not until to say because I know these dudes, reviewed this month! –Mike Beer DAMAGE DEPOSIT: ‘97, when Flipside released the entire they’re really nice and they’re talented (Slab O Wax) Straight to the Bottom: 7” Cheifs output (including stuff that’d as fuck. Swing Ding Amigos: although There’s no denying Damage Deposit’s never been been put out) that you could I’ve never seen them live, I’ve heard posi-crew chops – more solid and mas- find any of their music for less than a great things about them, and met a cou- CRIME IN STEREO: sive than a battleship, all cannons a- $300 7” on Ebay. However, I remember ple of them in person but when they go Explosives: CD blazing, with Youth of Today providing mentioning the Cheifs to Bill Stevenson for the falsetto, singing “Slowride,” I Loud, fast, and whiny. A little bit o’ the shells and Felix Havoc barking the of the Descendents and before I could wish they’d just keep on kicking the hell emo, a little bit o’ pop, a little bit o’ orders. What keeps them in check – for get the question out, he was pounding out of massive jams instead of pushing youth crew equals a lotta boredom. So me – is that too-often-fucked-up barbed out the drums to “Riot Squad” on the the weird button or relying on the chem- utterly lacking in originality that I find wire highwire act of getting a message arm of a couch. When I was working at ical imbalance that seems to by a myself at a loss for words. –Jimmy across (21 and over hardcore shows are Flipside, too, I remember Henry Rollins byproduct of living in the high desert. Alvarado (www.blackoutrecords.com) dumb, globalization creates more writing in, on the back of a postcard, That all said, no, I don’t really recom- human slavery than the plantation sys- “Thanks for releasing the Cheifs. You mend this 7”, but I’ll definitely listen to CROWPATH: Old Cuts tem, don’t buy a puppy if you’re not in made the world a better place.” what both bands come up with next. and Blunt Knives: CD for a life-long commitment) is tempered Absolutely admired by their contempo- –Todd (Recess) It never ceases to amaze me when a with injections of humor (the oft over- raries. Here’s a bit of trivia. One of them group of obviously proficient musicians looked connection got a shitload of Xanadu (the movie between hardcore and 79 drag racing and the clashing hardcore here to wield it sparingly, relying more DESCENDENTS: DISKORDS, THE: dance dojos of Ninjas and floorpunch- on actually singing with a voice that Cool to Be You: CD Blame It on the Kids: CD ers). Meticulous packaging with a fold- sometimes sounds strangely reminiscent I was one of those awkward kids in I’ve been hearing a bit about the out middle with a drawing of mosh pit of Kiss’ Paul Stanley; but when he lets school. Punk rock gave me an identity Diskords. The rumor mill says that one with the usual suspects, plus a monkey loose with that howl, boy…. There’s that I have carried for over twenty years. of their dads drives them to shows and a wolf makes for a nice package. some strong work put into this by all When I first bought the Milo Goes to (they’re only fourteen) and fixes them Standout lyric: “not trying to get off the involved, and if they manage to stick it College LP, I felt instant validation. It dinner. That endears them to me. Heavy top, I just want to stay off the bottom.” out for a while they could really turn connected to me then as it still does Ramones influence, especially on –Todd (Havoc) some heads. Nice to hear you raising a now. The line-ups have mutated, but the “Cretin Girl” and “Boppin’ at the ruckus again, Dan, and especially nice formula remains the same. A teaser EP, Morgue,” mixed with heavy doses of the DAUGHTERS: to hear it’s steeped in quality. –Jimmy ‘Merican, came out first this year and Heartbreakers. They haven’t really Canada Songs: CD Alvarado ([email protected]) blew me away. They’re one of the few established their own sound, but it’s When I first heard this album, I couldn’t bands from the early ‘80s that can still super catchy and done well. Plus, when quite make sense of it. I loved the song DEFECTORS, THE: kick out jams. Anticipation was high I think about what I was doing my fresh- titles (e.g. “i slept with the daughters Turn Me On: CD after hearing that. Retodd reported to man year of high school, this just blows and all i got was this lousy song written I’m new to the Danish band the me that the full length is “fuckin’ good!” me away. –Megan (Vinyl Warning) about me,” “pants, meet shit,” etc.), but Defectors, so I don’t have the previous I was so excited. When I left Razorcake the music was confusing as hell – full lengths to go on. They are a mix of HQ to pick up review material, I popped DISTRACTION, THE: …More frankly, it sounded like the noisy, ‘60s Nuggets bands and the the sucker in the CD changer in my car. Trouble at the V…: 12” EP unschooled shit that I would play Scandinavian ROCK sound that seemed I rarely ever do that. I started the car and Man, I tried and tried to like the last because I simply don’t know any better. to really catch some attention in 1998. turned my stereo up. I’m no typical Distraction full-length, and I sat on the That’s also why I listened to it more The strongest song is “It’s Gonna Take punk rocker. I have to have a 200-watt fence with it for a long time, finally (easy enough to do since the record is Some Time,” where they really do come stereo system with some booming sub- falling off, coming to the ultimate con- only ten minutes long) and eventually, across with what could be an obscure woofers that cost me a pretty penny in clusion that it was a simpler Stitches. these spastic, blistering songs started to song from 1968. Sadly, some of the my truck to play my punk rock. Ooh, And, due to gross geographic proximity make sense. Sure, it sounds like a wolf tracks fall back on lazy rock clichés. ha! I’m in familiar territory here. That of the two bands (thirty miles, tops), I fucking a cat that’s caught in a steel trap They do come across as a band that is oh-so-familiar bass playing of Karl figured that that subdivision needed and bleeding, but that isn’t such a bad still experimenting. –Wanda Sprag shakes out of the speakers. Milo’s voice only one Stitches. This EP has got me thing. –Puckett (Robotic Empire) (Bad Afro) provides me the comfort that things are doing some serious re-figuring. Gone going to be all right. Bill’s intricate lead are the “Is that Mike Lohrman singing?” DAYS LIKE THESE: DEMOLITION DOLL RODS: drumming bang away in a positive vocals, replaced by none other than Le Charity.Burns.Green: CD On: CD heartbeat. Stephen continues on with a Shok and Neon King Kong’s Hot Rod I wish I didn’t grab this. I didn’t look at Haven’t heard from these kids in a great guitar sound that is so sweet up Todd, who sounds like he’s huffing the label. I was trying to weed out and while, so this ‘un was a nice surprise front but will bite you in the ass if you paint and slurring simultaneously. Also lessen the amount of CDs in the mystery this review cycle. They’re still serving aren’t paying attention. My highlight greatly whipping this thing into another meat pile. Look what happens when you up healthy doses (twelve of ‘em this track has to be “Mass Nerder.” shape are the keyboards, which roam try to be the good guy. I get another time) of blues-inflected, post-Cramps Changing the Germs’ lyrics of “We through the recording like a fat boa con- emo-ish CD that Jimmy Alvarado could sludge rock, and the world is a better Must Bleed” to “We Must Read” is strictor, gently sliding in and out, mistakenly have gotten or Dale could place for their efforts. Included this time fucking classic! I hate to say it, but this squeezing and bulging unexpected bits have reviewed for punishment. No blue ‘round is a decidedly e-vile cover of is better than the last three albums com- and pieces to the front. I never had a Twinkies coming out of this asshole. “Big Rock Candy Mountain.” bined. That is no small chump change. problem with the Distraction’s string –Donofthedead (Lobster) Recommended. –Jimmy Alvarado Those albums are great, but this one is work, and it all comes into focus on this (Swami) so much better. Jimmy Alvarado and I EP. The whole enterprise makes a hell of D-CUP: Shark Attack: 7” are kinda the old goats of this coopera- a lot more sense when it stands on its An OC punk three-piece is a rare breed, DESCENDENTS, THE: tive. If he hates this, he needs a colonic. own two musical legs. Thumbs up, also indeed. I’m hypotheticalizing, but it’s Cool to Be You: CD –Donofthedead (Fat) to the 3-D cover (with Distraction- much easier to fuck up in a larger band, The differences between The logo’d glasses) and the fact that this is a to spread the blame around, get wasted, Descendents and ninety-five percent of DIE STINKIN’: HMFU: 7” one-sided 12” EP makes it almost and fill in the blank for an excuse when pop punk? I sat and listened and listened I liked their Smell Is in the Air CD and impossible for these guys to break even, you don’t feel like showing up and play- and listened to this CD and it kept on there’s enough solid, mid-tempo so you know this thing’s from the heart ing. D-Cup are even stranger by the fact getting better instead of stale. Little punkin’ going on here to keep these ears and not just the wallet. –Todd (TKO) that they remind me what the early, ring- things hit me. As I’m wont to do with a satisfied. While nothing here reaches ing Jam songs would sound like if fil- CD that I really like, I talk to people the lofty heights of “Beer,” “Baby I DIVINE RIGHT OF MEANS: tered through Dramarama, mixed in about it. Here’s what’s come up in dis- Love Dope” comes pretty darn close. Self-titled: CD with Southern California fuckup beach cussion. 1.) When they sing about love, –Jimmy Alvarado (Die Stinkin’) This dances on a razor’s edge between culture, and sneered up just a tiny little it’s not boyfriend/ girlfriend. It’s wife, trash rock and AmRep skronk, lagging a bit. Both songs are mid-paced, well ex-wife. The stakes are higher and more DIFFS, THE: Self-titled: 7” bit when they lean toward the latter but structured, catchy, and to the point. grave, the emotions less polar. 2.) The It’s telling that some kids who can’t shining bright when they pull out all the Quite possibly the most pop effort I’ve guitar, as with Jughead of Screeching even be out of high school (maybe even stops and raise a ruckus. Clip off four or heard on Hostage, and that’s very far Weasel, up in the front, it sounds like junior high) can trump the newest five tracks of dead weight and this from any sort of slag. Good stuff. –Todd frosting, fuzzy bunnies, and sunshine release by the Hunns. And this debut would be a stunner. –Jimmy Alvarado (Hostage) but underneath, it’s all sharpened blades isn’t just some “Oh, look, they dress like (www.doubleplusgoodrecords.com) sticking in deep, churning nuts and Indians. They aren’t that good, but ain’t DEAD CITY REBELS/HIGH bolts. 3.) The Descendents are still con- it cute?” thing that was attached to Mad DRESDEN 45: SCHOOL ROCKERS: Split: 7” summate musical outsiders. Through Society. The songs are great – fully Paradise Lost (Expanded): CD High School Rockers: Rock’n’roll from the relative isolation of living in actualized bulldozers not marred by the Wow, here’s another one of those bands the Rip Off school of noisemaking. Not Colorado while Milo went off and got usual early mistakes of being too far that time almost, unjustly, forgot. Last bad, but not unique enough to shake that his Ph.D., they weren’t concerned with inside your heroes’ skins – and remind remember hearing these kids in the late “been there” feelin’. Dead City Rebels: keeping up with all of the little punk me simultaneously of Eater, Cock ‘80s and was mightily impressed with A tad less primitive and much catchier rock ghettos that have formed. They Sparrer, the Skulls, and How Could Hell their full-on thrash attack. At the time, than the band on the flip. Two tracks of lived life and were human beings with Be Any Worse-era Bad Religion. Layer things were starting to get a tad rehash, hook-infested rock’n’roll. The grooves punk rock rooted inside. Then they upon layer of energy, lightning bolts and a lot of groups were jumping ship to on this side are gonna get worn out long decided to make an album. They don’t zapping out of fingertips and mouths, take a stab at metal superstardom, so before the other. –Jimmy Alvarado need the money. They needed the fuel and a ready antidote for anyone who when a band managed to shake things (Rockin’ Bones) that only creation can bring. I admire thinks that all the fuckin’ kids are wast- up a bit, you tended to take notice. This that. 4.) True pioneers don’t just have ing away on cuddly mall rock or trying wrecking crew was such a band. After DECAPITADO: Blacked: CD one trick up their sleeves. The best of to fit into too-small shirts and dumbing an LP and maybe a 7-inch or two, they Popped this puppy in, thought the guy the breed are the ultimate survivors. up their hair. Highly recommended. were gone, and I heard nothing more of screeching sounded familiar, and took a They overcame one of the largest obsta- Only 300 made. –Todd (Headline) them until the day Todd popped this into look at the band lineup. Holy shit, that’s cles: remaining relevant past their mid- my box. Wow, I had no idea they Dan Kubinksi from Die Kreuzen shred- to-late thirties in a genre of music that DISILLUSIONED YOUTH: released much more than I thought they ding his lungs there! That’s a name I treats bands like Logan’s Run. 5.) Any Cent Ep’d: CDR-EP did. There’re a total of twenty tracks haven’t heard in at least a decade. The band that lyrically includes Otis Pretty funny joke band, with songs like here spanning their entire recorded music is slow, sludgy pain rock/punk in Redding, the Haymarket Riot, and the about dad’s porn, being a loser for buy- career and, aside from a moment of ill- the vein of bands like Unsane and line “I’m gonna kick their asses in class/ ing a laptop, and Dischord Records advised rappin’, there’s nary a bad bit in Eyehategod, all dark and malevolent Gonna get good grades!” will usually (“Twenty years of Dischord is 18 years the bunch. Fans of very early RKL or and sure to give you a headache in all make it to my A list, anyhow. It’ll be too long!”). If this were a cereal, it’d be Final Conflict would be well advised to the right ways. Dan doesn’t screech all impossible for this album to be kicked something like Fresh Prince O’s. A pick this up. Yeah, this is recommended. the time like he used to back in the days off my top ten for 2004. –Todd (Fat) funny idea. –Maddy (self-released?) –Jimmy Alvarado (Arclight) of “Live Wire” or “Hate Me,” preferring DRIPS, THE: Mexico: 7” punk rock in the vein of The Bellrays two live cuts that should have been FALL OF THE BASTARDS: It’s a rare thing indeed when I go see a and the Detroit Cobras. Plus, Dave replaced with two originals because the Dusk of an Ancient Age: CD band almost cold, with only the slight- Crider from the Mono Men is on guitar, sound quality is flat and sounds like it By-the-numbers black metal, interest- est of expectations and recommenda- so the songs have that extra edge that I could have come from a W.A.S.P. con- ing at best and not very innovative. The tions, and I have to wipe the concrete was hoping for. As an added touch, cert. Not half bad. I’m debating if I’m band members’ names, particularly dust off my jacket from getting blown they skipped out on having a bassist going to put this in the trade in pile. drummer Rudimentary Eli, cracked me through the back of the club by the first and stuck in keyboards that owe a lot –Donofthedead (Da’ Core) up, though. –Jimmy Alvarado song and remaining there for the rest of more to the Sonics than they do to any (Intolerant Messiah) the set. That was the case with The kind of new wave. Put it all together EVAPORATORS, THEE: Drips when I caught them at the Doll and you got yourself a solid ten songs. Ripple Rock: CD FALL-OUTS, THE: Hut last year. Monstrously catchy (and Prior to this CD, the only thing the Oh, Canada! Oh, Nardwuar! Vancouver Summertime: CD not in easy ways that I’m well prepared DT’s put out was a little five song, Canada’s Evaporators are back after a …while a zippy-but-uncute slammer for), anthemic (in the “we’re all sick three-inch CD. Two of the songs from six year break from the last full length like “All In My Mind” provides a swift and we’re all in this together” way: the little EP made it onto the album. (I Gotta Rash) and it’s been way too and effective refresher course on why “More pills! More wine!”), headed by a The rest is new stuff. All of it’s worth long. Zany and catchy as hell. They are we all liked this band in the ‘90s, and spazz (and he’s in a much better known repeated listens. –Sean (Estrus) one of the those bands that you forget “Shortcut” yields an at least marginally band. Dig a little and you’ll find out), how much you really love them until serviceable mutation of Donovan’s take armed with one of the most powerful EHLEUCHATISTAS: you start humming along to the only on Al Kooper’s “Season of the Witch,” drum punishers I’ve seen in ages. I On the Culture Industry: CD band silly enough to release 8-tracks! A and the album’s entire peculiar Mod can’t quite put my finger on what I guess the new thing with failed emo true guilty pleasure, but they are so Meat Puppets vibe is, if nothing else, makes The Drips get my pulse all errat- bands is to ditch the singers and up the much better than they should be. un-completely-played-out, i can’t help ic and makes me listen to each song jazz influence exponentially. Singer or Nardwaur is brilliant or I’ve lived in but live in mortal fear that some bastard twice before I flip the record over. no, this rocks about as hard as the last the Pacific Northwest too long. I’m rock critic somewhere is going to make They’ve got the x-factor in spades. The Weather Report album. –Jimmy going to France! –Wanda Sprag the joke that this album really oughtta charisma that although you’ve heard all Alvarado (www.angurasound.com) (Alternative Tentacles) be called There We Go And Other the pieces scattered about, they glued Misses. Ooooooops. BEST SONG: that fucker tight and you find out that EL BUZZARD: Self-titled: CD EXTERNAL MENACE: The “All In My Mind” BEST SONG it’s got more missiles to deploy than Sludgy, post-grunge stoner rock with Process of Elimination: CD TITLE: “One Thought Too Much” you first thought possible. Much like screamed vocals. It’s been so long since Don’t know who Dr. Strange has pick- FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA how the GC5 updated street punk with- I’ve heard anything like this that I actu- ing out what to release for ‘em, but FACT: “Staring at the Sun” is not the out betraying it or being a slave to it, ally found myself digging it quite a bit. they’ve been batting quite a high aver- Angry Samoans song (but i wouldn’t The Drips take a shit-ton of OC punk Thumbs up. –Jimmy Alvarado age lately, and this is no exception. You mind if it was). –Rev. Nørb (Estrus) and do a fine bit recreation, then deci- (www.el-buzzard.com) get some relatively recent tracks (seven mation. My prediction: if the band to eight years ago) from a UK band that FIFTH HOUR HERO/ doesn’t annihilate itself in the next ENDLESS: started back in 1979 and are apparently THE SAINTE CATHERINES: year, they’ll be drilling to your crani- Decade of Obscurity: CD still making the rounds. The songs are Split 7” um, like those oil wells spread out I don’t know if this is supposed to be a mid-tempo UK punk/hardcore circa Fifth Hour Hero: I still can’t shake the through the residential neighborhoods discography since the cover references 1982, with the occasional Clash- Discount comparison. It’s especially of Huntington Beach. Mark it, dude. 1993-2003. If they only wrote and inspired reggae/punk track thrown in evident on their second song, “A Map This one’s a bonafide punk rock master recorded six songs in that time span, for good measure. Best song on here, Within.” It’s strange, since Discount stroke. –Todd (Hostage) that is pretty bad. If this is a greatest hands down, is “Rude Awakening,” was from Florida and Fifth Hour Hero hits, it’s new to me. This is what the quite possibly the best tune that Joe and is Canadian; I thought accents would DT’S, THE: Hard Fixed: CD kids now call hardcore. The vocals are Mick never wrote. This is gonna get change the vocals up a bit more. That The DT’s play soulful, female-fronted screamed and the guitars are metallic. played lots around these parts. –Jimmy said, since Allison of Discount is now Four originals, one Suicidal cover and Alvarado (Dr. Strange) busy smoking cigarettes on stage in an FOXX, THE: Self-titled: CD effort to remain mysterious and Lame name and a worse logo (think changed her name to Building or Eraser small market AM radio station ca. or something (she’s in the Kills) and 1981) cannot hide the fact that, unlike has slipped into designer jeans, Fifth the last nameless cretins posing as Hour Hero is slowly getting more spins “glam” that i had the distinct misfor- on my record player. Past loyalties die tune of reviewing, these cretins actual- hard. I’m liking FHH more and more. ly know who they should be ripping off The Sainte Catherines: take the first (at least some of the time): two Small Brown Bike albums, toss in Chapman/Chinn-era Sweet (a la Lemmy of Motorhead’s basic bass sen- “Blockbuster”), Chapman/Chinn-era sibilities, rough it up in a cement mixer Mud (a la “Dynamite”), and if for some extra dizziness, and there you Chapman/Chinn wrote any songs for have it. “The International Badminton any band after Mud but before Racey, Championship: La P’ Tite Grise Vs. that band too (although i am not so sure Jef” is one of the best-executed songs having a girl in the band to do the high, about confused sexuality I’ve come gay background vocals instead of hav- across in a long time. Immaculate pack- ing a guy who sings like a girl doing the aging, to boot. –Todd (1-2-3-4-Go!) high, gay background vocals is not cheating). “Landslide” is (among sev- FIFTH HOUR HERO: eral allowable Glam Options) exactly You Have Hurt My Business the type of thing i look for in a so- and My Reputation Too: CD called “glam” offering: Vaguely sleazy I love this band! Quebeçois punk rock! enough that i feel comfortable dressing Girl and boy vocals! (I wish we were at up in silver lamé and platform shoes the point in punk rock where I didn’t and haltingly dancing around my bed- have to point out when there are girl room to it; Bubblegummy enough that i vocals, but, unfortunately, this is still can also rollerskate to it with a Sno- mostly a boy band scene! Just look at Cone™ in one hand, should such a the Backstreet Boys! NO girls at ALL!) need arise (though not really developed Anyway, three songs of great melodic or honed enough that i can dress up in punk, plus one more folky number! silver lamé and platform shoes and Think Discount! If you haven’t already rollerskate to it in my bedroom with bought their LP, Scattered Sentences, two Sno-Cones™ in each hand, but i’m what’s wrong with you? If this were a taking what i can get at this point). cereal, it’d be Marshmallow Alpha They rifle through the whole glitter- Bits! Could become Lucky Charms caked junk drawer of 1973 AM UK [my favorite!] quite soon! My only Glam-Pop clichés: Simple, steady beat complaint? I’m assuming you speak (but tell your drummer his clumsy French, so why no French songs? Je drum fills totally fuck up the song and l’aimerais bien! –Maddy (No Idea) he should stop doing them), two rhythm guitars bouncing off of each FLATLINERS, THE: other, lyrics about a mysterious little Safe Side Suicide: LP number who “scratches like a tiger and Hard call, this one is. While their lyrics stings like a bumbledy-bee,” and even aren’t exactly poetry, they name check the occasional hot milky spurt of ultra- falo herd, even! BEST SONG: adding a goddamn pan flute or any- in their thank you list some of the falsetto – delicious! (or, at the very “Landslide” BEST SONG TITLE: thing annoying like that. I mean, over biggest hacks in modern punk, and it least, merely licious, but worthy in its “Bands (Don’t Want Me To Dance)” twenty years of bad times have passed sounds like they tried very hard to execution’s sheer clonal excellence, FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA since Middle Class recorded “Out of mimic the production values of the first except for the drums, which won’t FACT: I can say with some assurance Vogue” and Bad Brains trammeled Minor Threat EP, I’ll be damned if I make anybody forget Mick Tucker, or this is the first time i’ve seen a band “Pay to Cum.” The stakes are higher don’t keep coming back to this. Despite even the studio guy who played Mick member’s photo taken in a library. now because the pioneers have rarely the aforementioned drawbacks (or, as I Tucker’s parts on “Little Willy,” whom, –Rev. Nørb (The Foxx) been challenged or topped, just con- think back on the days of yore, maybe now that i think about it, is totally for- stantly (and usually) poorly repro- because of them), they’ve got that ‘80s gotten, so what the fuck do i know?) FOXY AUTOPSY: duced. Enter bands along the lines of hardcore sound down pat, and the fact “Ready To Go,” sounds like a passable Biznatural: CD From Ashes Rise, DS-13, Tragedy, Out that the tunes themselves are catchy low-budget version of one of Sweet’s A female rap duo who can bring da Cold, Career Suicide, and Fucked Up. don’t hurt matters much. Jeez, I feel less-incendiary self-penned B-sides funk about as well as John Denver. Nope, Jack, it all hasn’t been done, and like I just stepped out of a time and “Bands (Don’t Want Me To –Jimmy Alvarado (Foxy Autopsy) better, and this CD – a collection of machine or something. Thanks for Dance)” includes kinda neat lines like most (not all) of their recorded output helping me to feel sixteen and mad at “I wanna kiss you in a teenage heat/I FREQUENCY, THE: to date lays a royal flush out on the the world again. –Jimmy Alvarado want my heart left at the scene of the Self-titled: CD table. Unmitigated anger. Pillaging gui- (Slab-O-Wax) beat” and somehow manages to remind This is a solo project from one of the tars. Drumming that sounds like a thou- me of “Chatterbox” by the New York guys in Trans Am, which explains right sand hooves rushing through your FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC: Dolls, “Kiss Me Deadly” by Lita Ford, off the bat why the tracks are so eclec- stereo. Melodies at full speed that mere Self-titled: CD the last song on one side of the first tic in sound. The tunes alternate consumers should be supplied a bite The equivalent of unleashing a belt Boomtown Rats album, and the purple- between digital new wave geekdom, bar with so they don’t choke on their sander on your eardrum, only without haired version of the Zeroes, often at space rock, techno noodling, and punk. own tongues when it gets cranked up all the resulting blood on your favorite the same time. Everything that follows As can be expected considering his really high. That, and memorable songs shirt. While their brand of noisy hard- earns something between a shrug and a band pedigree, the results are top notch. that don’t all bleed into one long one. core ain’t my cup o’ poison, I can’t help grimace (the grimacing occurring on a –Jimmy Alvarado (www.nfilabel.com) The showpieces are the first twelve but a respect a band that can raise such few truly pointless duds sung by their songs. Then there’s a radio session and an unholy racket. –Jimmy Alvarado female member, who appears to be FUCKED UP: a demo that does a good job of showing (Reptilian) hell-bent on invoking the dread spectre Epics in Minutes: CD you how much better they are now. If of Tammy Wynette or some god damn For every punk rock ghetto that’s you like this CD and have never heard FOAMERS, THE: thing. MA’AM, under NO circum- trapped some bright minds, there’s of ‘em before, I suggest backtracking Self-titled: CD stances should you be opening your big always a handful of bands that refuse to and getting the original vinyl, too. An English punk band with a lot of the American Chick Mouth unless you are slip into the tattered musical uniforms –Todd (Deranged) requisite flourishes and trappings one CERTAIN that you can pass for a skin- and play like a house band of the hears from many modern punk bands, ny British boy passing for a little defeated. There’s always some folks GHETTO WAYS: but they manage to make them seem British girl! Get it right, or i’ll have making a new form of dynamite to Self-titled: LP less annoying. Even their forays into your band trade you to Tsar for some annihilate walls that seem, to the My initial impulse was to dismiss this the otherwise taboo terrain of ska punk guitar picks and an 8x10!); as a 7-song majority, impenetrable. Hardcore’s got for the derivative slop it is, but the don’t elicit the usual gag reflex. I’m CD, this would make a better 2-song 45 some pretty strict constraints that are catchy ‘60s soul-encrusted Stoogeisms impressed. Can’t believe this is coming – but pull a bunch more hits like militantly guarded by its own believers, won me over in the end. I’ve just out of my fingers, but this is recom- “Landslide” out of whatever genderless so it’s doubly impressive when a band played it three times in a row, which mended. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m orifice you pulled it outta and i’m not only harnesses the unqualified can only mean that I like it more than I going to pop off to take a shower now, Riding my White Swan down to the blastmastery of the genre, but they do thought I did. –Jimmy Alvarado ‘cause I’m feelin’ a wee bit dirty. record store. On rollerskates! In a buf- something new. And I don’t mean post- (Alien Snatch) –Jimmy Alvarado (Household Name) hardcore bullfuck knitting-rock or GIBBONS, THE: Self-titled: 7” Spanish lyrics and are on the aggres- go through your life without owning Austin, struttin’, swaggerin’ and slan- Young kids from the east side of sive side of pop-punk. But man, is this this, you, sir or ma’am, have some gin’ its charm like a high-end call girl Detroit. Pop punk mixed with politics release slick. They thank their drum explaining to do. Some of the best pop in the midst of a ship full of horny has seen a much worse fate, but this tech and name what equipment they songs ever. Yes, pop songs! Yes, love sailors. I’ve been a bit burned out on isn’t yet crucial listening. The nasal use. It was mastered at Capitol songs! If this were a cereal, it’d be this genre for a while now, but when vocals and pretty standard beats remind Records. The worst is that it’s heavily Lucky Charms! One of my favorite something this cool comes along, you me of a less compelling Powerbait-era produced and a lot of the edge is lost. albums! –Maddy (Lookout) can’t help but pay attention, and this is Digger mixed with a less lyrically The third of four tracks, “Son Mis worthy of frequent listens. –Jimmy savvy Connie Dungs. Still, they give it Locuras,” is the best on here, but I GUADRON: Raw Voltage: CD Alvarado (Mortville) a shot, don’t go for the cheapest of doubt I’ll be heading out to the Warped After approximately ten full length lis- shots and riffs, and spark some promise Tour to see them these days. (Two tens to Raw Voltage, the debut album HAIR BEARD COMBO: to their next release. –Todd (Salinas) weeks after writing this, I saw a from Guadron (aka Detroit-based Complete Discography deodorant ad with one of their songs artist/musician Ron Zakin), I’mis still (So Far…): CD GIVE UPS/ playing in it – something smells like at a loss for a proper review. “Why?” When I said that the new Leatherface RADIO BEATS: Split: 7” EP sell-out and it’s not my pits!) –Megan you ask. Is it that awful? No, quite the was going to be the best album of the Give Ups: Some catchy stuff here if (Side One Dummy) contrary. For some reason, it seems to year, I may have spoke too soon. On you like your punk with a Killed By be far easier to write a five-page essay the twenty-two songs on this retrospec- Death slant. Radio Beats: Eight-bar GOONS, THE: on the ghastly performances of tive, the Hair Beard Combo tri- blues-based rock/punk, not as immedi- Nation in Distress: CD American Idol wannabes than to write a umphantly prove time and again that ately interesting as the Radio Beats Wow, this was a surprise. Solid hard- few lines describing the electronic they are leaps and bounds better than stuff, but I ain’t exactly knockin’ it, core tunes here that don’t merely rely intricacies that keep this album on any other acoustic-based band out either. In all, not a bad listen. –Jimmy on speed to mask incompetence like so repeat. It becomes difficult to verbalize there, especially Even in Blackouts, Alvarado (www.thegiveups.com) many others do. Hell, a couple of tunes the hyper dance beats and the constant- who totally suck. And it’s not just some are downright anthemic. The lyrics ly fluctuating tempos that make my mellow Leonard Cohen rip that you’d GIVE UPS/VM Collision: manage to be topical and political with- head spin and cause me to see, for some only put on when you’re trying to get Split 7” EP out sounding like a pamphlet and the odd reason, looped car chases when I laid, they tackle subject matter more Give Ups: Straightforward thud punk singer has an atypical timbre to his shut my eyes. The task becomes more vital than anything else I can think of that manages to hit that sweet spot not vocals but still manages to elicit the arduous when, upon each consecutive off the top of my head. Do you really once but twice. Kinda like the Rip Offs requisite pissed-offness required for the listen, new sounds emerge – a snip of a want to get bogged down with left- with cleaner production. VM Collision: genre. In short, some rockin’ stuff here. tribal drum here, a lick of a guitar there wing rhetoric when you listen to Not as interesting as the Give Ups even –Jimmy Alvarado (Reptilian) and are those spoons clicking in the music? Of course not. You want to lis- though they barrel along at twice the background or am I imagining things ten to songs about stuff like grape jelly, speed. I’m hearing some fairly stereo- GREEN DAY: 1,039/Smoothed again? After awhile, the tracks begin to monster trucks, and Magnum, PI, typical pop punk trappings buried Out Slappy Hours: CD fade into each other. The starts and arguably the greatest Hawaii-based cop underneath them loud guitars. –Jimmy I am a dork! I have always loved Green stops of specific pieces become irrele- show ever. But for those of you who Alvarado (Say Ten) Day! Usually, being a dork also means vant and it seems clear that Raw just HAVE to have politics invading that you are so musically and technical- Voltage is not a work divided into every aspect of your life, they also GO BETTY GO: ly inept that you can’t tell the differ- eleven parts, but one full body of elec- address the current situation in the Worst Enemy: CDEP ence when a CD gets remastered. But, tronic madness that will keep this lis- Middle East by saying, “I know we’re I was pretty excited when this came. in this case, I could actually tell the dif- tener dancing in her bedroom for a long totally bombing you but it’s totally not Go Betty Go is a female quartet that ference – more clear and loud and all of time. –Liz O. (Ersatz Audio) my fault, ‘cause I totally voted for Dan was the staple Tuesday band at the only that. Plus there’s some stupid bonus Marino.” Really, who needs Discharge bar within walking distance a year ago. CD-rom crap. (End: “Technical” Part GUN CRAZY: when you’ve got the Hair Beard They alternate between English and of Review.) But the important thing is, Dropping Like Flies: CD Combo? –Josh (Pro Dudes USA) if for some reason, you’ve managed to Some rippin’ punk rock’n’roll from HASIL ADKINS: plagues and their fingertips and in their even though it’s not the fastest track in admit that I have not followed Duane “Kim Rock” b/w “Baseball throats. The antidote to any “Employee the land, there’s danger on the edges. Peters or his other band, the U.S. Bat Song”: 12” single of the Week,” a rabid, mistreated The b-side, “Drugstore,” starts off as a Bombs. I know I liked one song from A twelve inch single from Italy. Hasil Dachshund to the balls of all the bands surf rocker – with echoes of the Blasters the latter band. But I sure like this band Adkins is the man. Two songs: “Kim too busy stretching for the brass ring to of all things – then leaps onto the con- or the line-up of this band on this Rock” and “Baseball Bat.” The first you notice before teeth are clamped on tight. crete, knocks out some teeth, and does a release. For me, the highlight is the need to hear because you have to. You It’s downright a comfort to hear such good job of being epic and adventurous additional vocal duties of the ex- have to know. The second you need to fight, fuck, fight, fuck me, fuck you, (read being over three minutes) without Nashville Pussy amazon, Corey Parks. hear especially if you’ve read part 1 of fuck us all on record. Do the math of being wanky or pretentious (even Her vocals dueling with Duane’s adds the Razorcake Hasil interview, ‘cause I twenty-five songs on an LP and you though there is a drum solo, it fits). additional character to the songs, espe- know you just finished part 2. If not, go know they don’t dick around. Yep, rec- Worth keeping an eye out for. Only 300 cially when she dominates most of to it now! Get! … Alright, now you’re a ommended. –Todd (Raw Deluxe) made. –Todd (Headline) vocals on certain songs. Great choice of bit more ready, and there is nothing cover songs that start off the CD like more I can say except you might want to HOLLOW POINTS: HOREHOUNDS: “Time Has Come Today” by the get up and get one of these cause I don’t Annihilation: CD No Time for You: LP Chamber Brothers. Also included are think they’ll hang around too long. You I don’t get it. Everything about this band These guys are up to their eyeballs in covers of the Undertones, the Wipers, don’t want to go your life without the screams that I should loathe them. Dolls influence and sex obsession, but and the Sex Pistols. The originals are no latest from the Lone One himself. So Shades of later Bad Religion abound, they rock the fuck outta punk rock- slackers either. Straight-up punk with a sad. So true. Make you laugh. Make you they’re sick with pop hooks, and yet ’n’roll template. This one’s a keeper. late ‘70s, early ‘80s So Cal sound. Cool blue. Get to it. –BD Williams I’ve adored them since the first time I –Jimmy Alvarado (Rockin’ Bones) as shit, hot as ice. –Donofthedead (Rockin’ Bones) heard “POW” on the Dirtnap Across the (Disaster) Northwest comp and I’ve spent the last HORNY MORMONS: Play HAYMARKET RIOT: Mog: CD year trying to figure out why. Aside Goat-Ropin’, Corn-Huskin’, HUSBANDS, THE: Daniel Post-punk college radio pap that I tend from the fact that they manage to punch Chicken-Molestin’, b/w You Need Hands: 7” to ignore. –Donofthedead (Thick) all the right buttons for me, I think what Cow-Tippin’, ‘n’ Other These three ladies from the San gets me more than anything else is that Fine Ditties: CD Francisco area haven’t failed me yet. HENRY FIAT’S OPEN SORE: they sound authentic in ways that even Looks like entire recorded history of the They’re like the little sister gone wrong The Parallel Universe of…: LP bands like Bad Religion don’t anymore. band plus twenty-eight live tunes. of the Detroit Cobras. The one that’s not Oh, the glory of the vinyl medium lends The lyrics are solid, they sound like they Lesser Dead Milkmen that’s pretty pain- afraid to get a little dirty and break cur- itself well to the HFOS mania. There’s mean it, man, and they play with a level less. –Speedway Randy (Sacramento) few. Raw rock and roll at its best. something comforting and eerie about of conviction that’s rare these days. I –Megan (Blue Bus) these guys. It’s like visiting older musi- have little doubt this’ll make a few top HOW WE LOST THE WAR: cal neighborhoods – like those inhabited ten lists this year, and rightly so. Self-titled: 7: EP I FARM: by the old Dwarves and the well-missed –Jimmy Alvarado (Dirtnap) This sounds like one o’ them insta-grow Two Selected Works: CD Mummies – but HFOS are the newest, bands that make up tunes, practice ‘em This CD definitely kept me on my toes. more demented kids playing in the rub- HOLLY TREE: and then hit the record button all in the Just when I settled into one rhythm, it ble of the long-ago destroyed landscape. Anytime, Anywhere: 7” same day. Protes Bengt they are not. changed musical styles immediately and Nothing should grow there. Everything Brazilian band, transplanted to the LA –Jimmy Alvarado would continue to do so again and should rot and decay and give up and area, give it their all. The title track is (www.howwelostthewar.com) again. The majority of what they played die. But from the ashes and poisonous where it’s at. Prototypical Hostage-style was pretty damn good, going from rainwater sprout four black-bandaged OC punk rock. It’s a snotty, swaggery, HUNNS, THE: mostly melody-oriented upbeat punk, to Swedes with radioactive fluids coursing weird-eyed and knowing smirk of a Long Legs, Die Hunns: CD hardcore, to something without much through their veins. Grayed wickedness song with great hooks and my favorite I’m not sure if the band is no longer melody at all. All within each song. in their softened brains. Viruses and of the three. The second song, “Boom Duane Peters and the Hunns. Are they Most of the CD kept my attention. Box,” tips a hat to the Dead Boys, where now the Hunns or Die Hunns? I have to However, some of the quick changes in the songs really lost me. It was like the song to death with never-ending xmas releases, and just wish you were in a before the night was through. I love minute I had my head bobbing or my light strings of wah-pedal guitar solos. band that friggin’ good. –Jimmy these boys. –Megan (Kapow) foot tapping, they switched gears faster Plus, it’s pretty catchy. I’ll probably be Alvarado (Havoc) than an ambidextrous hooker without sick of it by next week, but for now I KILLER DREAMER: Survival much endurance in her right hand. I think it’s pretty good. –Aphid Peewit KA-KNIVES, THE: Guns b/w Pterodactyl: 7” would usually end up feeling like the (Lollipop) “Weasel” b/w “Dear Dad”: 7” This band has these weird guitar hooks job wasn’t finished. With that said, I do In the spirit of Supercharger and the that really draw me in and make me pay find myself going back to this CD and JET BOYS, THE: Oblivians, the equation’s as predictable attention to the songs, like they’ve lis- giving it a listen every now and then, “Shit My Pants” b/w “Gonna as it is effective. Take low-fi, kick some tened to their share of Grumpies without any intention of selling it back. Bite You,” “Burn Out”: 7” dirt on it, record it through a boom box records, but instead of hiding those As an aside, I’m not sure if this has any- The Jet Boys remind me how simple my (or whatever sounds like one), and kick hooks behind fuzzed-out punk rock, thing to do with their schizophrenic tastes really are and how much little it it in the nads a couple more times, so they duct tape them to some Fleshies- style of music, but according to their takes for me to like punk rock if it’s well you don’t know if it’s limping or stag- style trainwrecking rock and roll. They label, they got their name cause they done. These three burners stab as fast as gering. If you did it right, it’s the audio also whoop ass real good. –Josh farm meth. –Toby (Big Action) Blood, Guts, and Pussy-era Dwarves equivalent to duct-taped instruments, (Kapow) and the Jet Boys are comparable to the fractured cymbals, and microphones INDIGENTS, THEE: Japanese punk rock band that’s hard not with cracked cords. Here are two cov- KILLER SQUIRREL: Self- Brain Dead World: 7” to mention if there’s garage, speed, and ers: one by Joe and the Furies, and one released (And Loving It): CD The first time I heard Thee Indigents on not sucking put into the same sentence: by Chuck Berry. I’d be lying if I said I Says it was recorded in someone’s the Tower 13 album, I thought, how the Teengenerate. This seven inch is simple didn’t like it. On drums and vocals is apartment, and it sounds like it. fuck did this band get onto this comp? I as a pencil in the eye, sharp as prison Matt of the dearly missed Jewws (of Rudimentary punk rock with subdued thought it was the only stinker on the concertina wire, and as fast as prema- which the Ka-Knives are a reasonable execution and leftist lyrics. While I record. The last time I heard the Tower ture ejaculation (but, you know, not outreach from) and Junior Varsity could get behind the sentiment, the 13 comp, the song by Thee Indigents embarrassing). Cool. –Todd (which this is pretty far afield from). delivery left me cold. –Jimmy Alvarado was one of my favorites. My initial dis- (Black Lung) –Todd (Lance Rock) (Operation Phoenix) like had to do with the ridiculously snot- ty vocals. I mean ridiculously snotty. JET BOYS: Jet Patrol!!: CD KICKZ, THE: “One Day” KILOWATTHOURS/ This guy makes Joey Vindictive sound It’s hard not to compare Japanese rock b/w “Don’t Ask Why”: 7” THE RUM DIARY: Split CD like he just blew his nose. Thee and roll bands to Teengenerate, the band I saw these seventeen-year-olds in Either your pet just died in the alley or Indigents’ singer makes the Stitches’ that pretty much set the standard that Austin and something didn’t sit quite you’re trying to score with a girl you Mike Lohrman sound like goddamn has yet to be touched. The Jet Boys right with me. I have a lot of quirks picked up at Orange Julius. In either Frank Sinatra. That’s how snotty he is. aren’t nearly as trashy, but the sound is when it comes to see a band play live, case, you’d do better than these college But the band that backs him up is so there. They also have a bit more of a and if there’s not a good reason for a radio retread bands. –Speedway Randy tight that they propel you through the hard rock-type of sound, not in a Van band member to not have shoes on (like (Springman/Substandard) songs. They get you tapping your toes Halen way, but more like Bloodbrothers a broken foot), no matter what comes and running a one-man circle pit in your by the Dictators kind of way. It’s some- out of the speakers, I think to myself, KITE-EATING TREE, THE: living room. They keep you interested where between the classic rock-isms of “Hippie, put some shoes on” unless I’m Method: Fail, Repeat... : CD so long that you’ll start to like the Electric Eel Shock and the fuzzed-out thoroughly convinced otherwise (as I In the interest of full disclosure, this is vocals. Then, you’ll start to love them. trash rock of Guitar Wolf, and that’s a was with Dan Yemin of Kid Dynamite). the second copy of this disc that arrived What can I say? The snot grows on me. good sign that it’s pretty rippin’. Not for Without the visual hurdles to retard me, in the mail. I wish I could listen to both This is another ringer from Hostage. the weak of heart. –Josh I’m digging the single. Gone is the of them at the same time. This reminds –Sean (Hostage) (Pictus, no address in English) wanking and noodling of kids learning me of everything I liked about Jawbox to play their instruments better but not (soaring vocals, ringing chords, JEFFIE GENETIC AND HIS JOHN HOLMES: knowing when to stop. (Steve Diggle melodies) with none of the boring shit CLONES: Need a Wave: CD Everything Went Blacker: CD rules. Stevie Vai sucks.) “One Day” is that I hated (the apparent inability to Jeff from the New Town Animals play- New York thug metal bites, even if the full of youthful enthusiasm, tried and sustain any of the things I liked for more ing all the instruments, making all the band in question hails from England. true melodies from the first wave of than a few seconds or measures), every- moves, having all the fun. A good album Press material says they’ve toured with melodic English punk (Stiff Little thing that’s great about No Knife and, in all the way through, straight-shootin’ Poison Idea and it’s too bad they learned Fingers wouldn’t be too far off), and a general, everything that’s awesome and early ‘80s black-and-white new wavey nothing from the experience. Look kids, sharpshooter of a recording. The b-side ruling about post-core with a tumbler rock. But the lyrics are fun, as the title you wanna up the brutality level? Forget is a toe-tapping Replacements cover. filled with 190-proof rock and roll track questions the difference between all this thick-necked metal crap and take Reigned in, I like these guys quite a bit. thrown in for good measure. I’m sure the army and kids looking for today’s these three words to heart: PICK YOUR –Todd (Mortville) there are tremendously subtle things new wave to follow, “Scooter Queen” KING. With that template you can’t go about this record but, quite frankly, about a guy who’s girlfriend scooted wrong and you’re guaranteed to put the KIDNAPPERS, THE: there’s simply too much rock here to go into a bus and now he watches fear of god into anyone who crosses Self-titled: 7” EP searching for subtlety on the first, sec- Quadrophenia all day, and the obligato- your path. –Jimmy Alvarado I have yet to meet a Zaxxon Virile ond or even twentieth listens. Primarily ry lobotomy song. –Speedway Randy (Household Name) Action release I haven’t dug, and this is for fans of angular, muscular guitar rock (Dirtnap) no exception. The A-side, “Spanish bands. –Puckett (Cowboy Versus Sailor) JUCIFER: War Bird: CD Girls,” has this great “Inflammable”-era JERRY SPIDER GANG: Dirgy stoner rock with pretty female SLF meets the mods thing goin’ for it KRUNCHIES, THE: Exile on Mainstream: CD vocals. Different, but not exactly some- that just makes it immediate crucial lis- Interrobang: 7” EP Like every other punk rock aficionado thing I’d rush to play again. –Jimmy tening. The other two tunes on this are It’s not to far off to think of Criminal IQ stuck to this planet in the year 2004, I’m Alvarado (Velocette) more in the garage-informed punk vein Records as building a house in the up to the cut of my jib with Hella- you expect from bands on this label, Dangerhouse, early Posh Boy, early copters-styled poonk rawk bands, what KAAOS: which are no less good, but up against Frontier subdivision of music. They with all their sideburns and greasy t- Ristiinnaulittu Kaaos: LP some tough competition when put up haven’t yet released anything’s that’s shirts and their Lemmy Kilmister I don’t know if it’s all that snow or what, against that stunner on the other side. bad, it’s stylistically all in the same ball- school-boy crushes. Not to mention but the Scandinavians have got the mar- Let’s pray to the god of rock’n’roll that park, but their bands are definitely not their unabashed arena rock bravado that ket cornered in the western hemisphere these kids manage to squeeze out an LP retreaded radials of one another. The seems, from at least one angle, to fly when it comes to consistently amazing before inevitably throwing in the towel, Krunchies are no exception – dual stupidly straight into the face of conven- hardcore releases. Twenty-plus years as all good bands do. –Jimmy Alvarado male/female vocals – the lady is an tional punk rock decorum. And let’s be and, as evidenced by bands like (www.zaxxonvirileaction.com) acquired voice (I like it), almost like if honest: we’ve paid dearly for what Krigshot and Rajoitus, most countries you put a microphone up to a fuzzy, probably began as a nordically honest still can’t come close to matching the KILLER DREAMER: baby chick (as in just-born chicken), fusion of some of the best aspects of chaotic bliss that comes outta the frost- Self-titled: CD amplified its voice, and made it angry – metal and punk. Vapid party-line-toting bitten European north. Don’t believe Easily the best album this time around. and couple it with spastic bass lines and bands like Gluecifer and the Retardos me? Pop this puppy, a reissue of a clas- San Pedro’s premier action-rock band is guitar work that sounds like it’s hooked now seem like mere mediocrities com- sic from 1984, onto the turntable, crank part Fleshies-meets-Toys That Kill, part up to a food processor (serrate, chop, pared to MTV darlings now arriving on up the volume and prepare to have your zombie, and a large part of their own blend, gallop). The music behind the the scene, such as Jet and the Strokes. ears gouged by some of the best noise creation, which adds up to a ripping vocals reminds me of the debut Red But despite all this baggage I’m carry- ever associated with the word “punk.” record. Members of Lipstick Pickups, Cross EP mixed with early Plugz, if ing around with me regarding these This record is rife with fjordcore fury, as Jag Offs, Four Letter Words, and Cup of that’s any help. I can’t say anything bad Hella-copy cats, Jerry Spider Gang punishing as it was two decades ago Beans join forces here. One member about ‘em. Rock solid EP. Look forward somehow manages to not invoke my and, as if the original tracks weren’t had a song, “Bike Burner,” written to more. –Todd (Criminal IQ) utter contempt. Sure, they’re at least six enough, three additional tracks have about him. Another one rubs condi- or seven years late, but what the fuck? been tacked on to up the ante. Give this ments on his crotch. The third one KYLESA: No Ending/ They don’t sound like they’re faking it bad boy a place of reverence in your crapped himself at an Andrew W.K. A 110 Degree Heat Index: 7” and, though they sometimes come per- collection, sandwiched between tattered show. The last one shared a jug of wine Extremely depressing blend of progres- ilously close, they don’t strangle each Terveet Kadet, Rattus, and Riisteyt with me and was puking in his bed sive, virtuoso math metal mixed with a dirge of punk energy. From the ashes of Disco’s different from their latest, Damad, this band continues on with a Horsebox. It’s more content. The wan- bombastic din of white noise that derer has found some solace, partner- makes you clench your teeth to point of ship, and stability. It’s also more from cracking. Not for the timid or meek. the chest – growled and mouthed When happy just won’t do. This is a instead of yelled and rupturing. I’m not perfect accessory to one’s overabun- talking a toothless mellowing, but an dant rage or dislike with life. The riffs unqualified grace, the vitality of being are heavy and intricate. The layers fully aware of your situation, and accent the mood. Bass tones are on the exploring the good bits that have come low end to deliver a pounding to drive your way. As of this writing, I’ve lis- the feeling of helplessness. Great stuff. tened to this over fifty times, and, with Collector nerd features include all Leatherface, it gets better with each Pushead artwork, title of band in gold spin, releasing its power slowly. leaf, and colored vinyl (for mailorder Unqualified recommendation. –Todd only). My copy came on purple vinyl (BYO) swirled with white. Pusfan.com also put out a double 7” version with a dif- LESS: Cover, ferent cover, Pushead signature, beige Protective, Individual: CD vinyl with white swirls, and two extra What I would imagine Tool sounding tracks that I bought. –Donofthedead like if they only used acoustic guitar (Prank) and percussion. –Donofthedead (Firecode, no friggin’ address) LAST VEGAS, THE: Lick ‘Em and Leave ‘Em: CD LIBERTY: Whoo, good thing it’s the last one. Outlaw Hooligans: CD-R When they just sit down and shut up Casualties-Xeroxed street punker stuff. and smoke their crack and play their Should fit in nicely with the leather- Molly Hatchet/Van Halen “Hot For and-bristle “think for yourself” clones. Teacher” riffs, i guess things aren’t Includes a cover of “Louie Louie.” really a complete and utter embarrass- Now there’s a song that’s never been ment for all parties concerned; when covered before. –Jimmy Alvarado the lyrics kick in – “you wauwna love ([email protected]) mashaaaayn, you wauwna be obsaaayyne” etc. – this condition no LIFE IS BONKERS: longer holds. It’s pretty fucking sad Self-titled: CD when grown adults can’t think of a bet- Quirky, new wavy punk from a two- ter album title than this. P.S. Tell your man band. The songs are funny and graphic designer to stop wasting his more accomplished musically than one time designing your CD covers and to would expect from a two-man band. get behind the drums, because America The “hidden” cover of “Anarchy in the needs a new (mumble mumble mum- UK” was good for a laugh. ble) band album now more than ever! –Jimmy Alvarado BEST SONG: “I Got What You Need” – i like how they manage to sound like LIPSTICK PICKUPS: they’re ripping off “Heartbreaker” by “Better Than You” Led Zeppelin AND the Donnas AND b/w “Make Your Bed”: 7” the first Mötley Crüe album simultane- Super bubblegummy garage pop front- ously. It’s me art! WORST SONG ed by females with squeaky voices. TITLE: “You Want To Know How To Part of me wants to say that it sounds Love Me” FANTASTIC AMAZING kind of like the Muffs if the Muffs were TRIVIA FACT: “No matter how pretty influenced by Scared of Chaka instead she is, somebody, somewhere, is sick of of the Bangles and Kiss. That sounds her shit” – Spanish Tony. –Rev. Nørb like a pretty neat alternate universe, and (Get Hip) this is a pretty neat record. –Josh (Kapow) LEATHERFACE: Dog Disco: CD LOCUST, THE: Goosebumps. Leatherface’s Mush is a Self-titled: little CDEP masterpiece. One of the top ten punk This is a re-press of a Locust 7” from records ever recorded. Listening to it is 1997. If you’re new to the Locust, one experience. Listening to it and imagine a Spanish Inquisition of sound, reading along to the lyrics: goose- Cliff’s Notes version. They make me bumps. I can’t think of another band think of Anal Cunt, and then they make that combines torn literacy, drenched me wonder – after they’ve compressed passion, spilled pints, and stained car- so much, truncated, blown up, eviscer- pets together so well in songs. ated, and plumped so much music into Leatherface is sneaky, too. I know such a short, scream-heavy space – barely one of their rabid fans that dug what’s next? Will they break the rubber them on the first couple of listens. This band? Will it be Rick Wakeman territo- isn’t the musical equivalent to pornog- ry? Prancing unicorns and mystical raphy – not everything’s lit up like soundscapes made from the intestines neon with the tasty bits readily exposed of rainbows? Do they find a new sort of for consumption. It’s careful listening warp drive that makes fast seem slow? to Frankie Norman Warsaw Stubb’s (Listen to the first wave of punk. Chuck ragged and burlap voice, which sounds Berry pretty much strafed the shit out a lot like Lemmy Kilmister’s. It’s real- of most of the “blistering” bands, but it izing that the bass and guitar, although made some nice PR.) This is solid, they’re playing the exact same song, dividing stuff that helped build the aren’t. They’re in near-constant coun- Locust’s well-deserved reputation, both terpoint. Interlocked, sure, but always good and bad. –Todd (GSL) stalking, revolving, and shimmering around one another. It’s hearing a LURKING CORPSES, THE: drummer never stop, never get too 23 Tales of Terror: CD loose, never get lazy, never showboat. I About 80% of this album is hard to tell like it how when I read along to apart from Danzig-era Misfits. If I Leatherface, the world seems as con- drifted off and wasn’t paying attention tainable as a small yellow chair or as to the CD, I would eventually think in massive and mysterious as the sea floor the back of my mind, “Hey, someone’s of a high and mighty ocean. Dog playing The Misfits.” The music, lyrics and even the voice are all almost just ards, traipsing in their little capes, cod- seemed like they were part of the old months in the high rotation pile and like them. However, it seems like every pieces, and retard-applied King Orthodoxy of Rock that, at least to me, being cycled to the far wall has now now and then the singer would lose the Diamond clown make-up as they ape all punk was – THANKFULLY – rendering been relegated to the truck for an microphone down his throat and sud- the over-the-top machinations of a black inert (if not inert, then certainly unnec- assured three more months of constant denly sound like a gravelly throated metal band lost in its own intestinal essary). And, while i am no longer in listens. It comes down to this – yeah, death metal singer. What killed me was ooze... Are they in earnest or just taking agreement with my younger self on the there’s a keyboard. Yeah, there’s new later in the CD, it sounds like the gay the piss out of the Varg Vikerneses and Dictators’, uh, inert-ancy, i can see wave trappings slathered all over this falsetto voiced singer from The Euronymouses of the world? It’s proba- where i was coming from: Almost any- like a slippery sauce, and yeah, there’s a Darkness sneaks into the studio and bly an irrelevant question; it probably thing the Dictators or relevant related lot of stripes involved in the layout and throws in his god awful wails sporadi- all comes down to how brittle your post-Dictators projects (the Del-Lords, the visual concept of the band, but cally. With the CD totaling 23 tracks and sense of humor has become over the Manitoba’s Wild Kingdom... i did say beyond all the potentially easily dis- the vocals taking a turn for the worse in years. I can see Mangina growing on me “relevant,” which should eliminate the missables, is this irrefutable fact: they 20% of the songs, I think those into and then again, maybe I’ll never play it need to bring up Manowar) have done can write an entire album of catchy Misfits rip off horror punk would enjoy again. But I think I would check them always sounds not too far off from songs. There isn’t a turd on the whole this. –Toby (Creature Feature) out live, if only for the funny outfits. something one could imagine one’s platter. Missing Persons can’t claim –Aphid Peewit (Jeth-Row) uncle kinda digging, given a few beers that. Human League can’t claim that. MAHARAJAS, THE: and the house to himself. With The (That first Vapors record is pretty damn Unrelated Statements: CD MARATHON: Songs to Master Plan – Andy/Adny Shernoff, two good, though.) Rock solid songwriting Garage punk is not one scene that I fol- Turn the Tide: CDEP dudes from the Fleshtones, and some trumps any fancy press packet or leaky low. From time to time a band comes I can’t get over how much these guys Paul “Peppermint” Johnson guy i never memory any day. Plastic Girls is more along and blows me a way. Some years remind me of Ignite – a singer who is heard of (but am willing to give the ben- recommended than before, just by the ago, for another magazine, I got a record actually a singer that yells to make efit of the doubt simply because he must fact I still compulsively listen to it. to review for a band from Sweden. That things aggressive. Musically, they’ve be cooler than, say, Paul “Spearmint” –Todd (Alien Snatch) band turned out to be the Strollers. That got melodic, metal overtones with the Johnson) – that condition still kinda band blew my mind and immediately I chugga sound that Pennywise is famous holds true, but is itself rendered inert MINKS, THEE: became a fan. I begged the label for for. If these guys aren’t on the Warped because GODDAMMIT, IT’S A Songs About Boys: 7” more and more came my way. I think it Tour in a couple of years, they are not PARTY, and if the relatives wanna slum Todd asked me what made me pick this was last year or the year before that the marketing themselves hard enough and it with us, there’s enough beer in the one out. I told him that with the way label and I got back in touch. They sent need to fire their record label. fridge for everyone! I mean, songs like these girls looked they had to rock. me other bands to review, which I truly –Donofthedead (Red Leader) “What’s Up With That?” (recorded by Well, shallow as my theory may have enjoyed, like the Maggots and the the Dictators a few years back), “Better been, it panned out. Straight out rock- Sewergrooves. As usual, I went to the MARKED MEN, THE: Get Better,” and “I Got Loaded” (to say ’n’roll with a bit of an edge. Vocals that Razorcake compound to pick up my On the Outside: CD nothing of “Kickin’ It Old School,” one aren’t scared to get a little gravely or review material. I saw a package in my The second full length by the Marked of the record’s few comparative flops) growly. –Megan (Steel Cage) box from Low Impact Records. Can’t go Men is awe inspiring – fantastic power are just so... so... so basic and so guile- wrong there. They have not failed me punk akin to ‘70s bands like The Nerves less that they are instantly likeable, and MINORITY BLUES BAND/ yet. A new band on their label. Should or The Real Kids, but being delivered by therefore sort of incapable of provoking MANIFESTO JUKEBOX: be interesting. Turns out, this band has 3/4 of The Reds. Jeff Burke has truly any stronger reaction than Instant Like, Split: 7” former members of the Maggots, Jens captivated me, beyond anything accom- which in turn almost implies a certain Minority Blues Band plays fast and Lindberg and Anders Oberg. I look even plished by The Reds or The Chop-Sakis. inherent fuddy-duddiness or something, fuzzy melodies just like I like ‘em. I further and get really excited to see the His storytelling and delivery are over but, that said, let there be no question: have both of their full lengths, listen to singer from the Strollers, Mathias Lilja, and above any copycat Killed by Death THE MASTER PLAN WRESTLE WITH them all the time, and these three more is in the band too. Holy cow! The music rehash band. This is not to say that Mark THE UNIVERSAL VANILLA AND songs by them make me happy. combines the elements of both bands Ryan’s songs are lacking, but Burke KICK ITS ASS IN TWO STRAIGHT Manifesto Jukebox plays fast and fuzzy and takes it to another level. Well-pro- doesn’t sound like another person on the FALLS!!! This record pushes no melodies that just don’t grab me the duced but raw and stripped-down planet. I loved The Reds and they had a envelopes, but serves a great and won- same way. I can recognize the talent. I garage rock that could be mistaken to be choppy style that was always interest- drous purpose as a semi-fabulous party can understand why people love them, recorded from the late ‘60s or the early ing, but the rhythm of this is different. album; and, while Razorcake has sup- but they bore me. Now that I’ve written ‘70s. The same energy when I first got Everything sounds more organic, less plied me with a goodly bit of used this review, I’ll probably never flip this into punk is represented here. No silly forced. Mike Throneberry’s drumming record store bait this month, Colossus of record again. But, oh, that Minority studio tricks or over-layered tracks. Just seems to find a more natural pace and Destiny ain’t goin’ anywhere but into Blues Band side... –Sean (Snuffy Smile) simple playing with conviction. Another with the addition of a new bass player, it my CD player. BEST SONG: “You’re great thing about this release is none of just clicks. Sadly, most people buying Mine” BEST SONG TITLE: “Find MINORITY BLUES BAND: the songs are over three minutes long. punk records will say it’s too pop and Something Beautiful (And Set It On Capitalized Suffering: CD Get in and get out is what they do here. people buying pop will think it’s too Fire)” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIV- I reviewed the songs on this CD for the They play just long enough to get the hard. The fucked message being that IA FACT: Band is self-described as last issue of Razorcake, but for some point across and not overextend their you can’t be in a great punk band and “Classic NY Garage Rock” and, as if to unexplained reason, I put the title of the welcome. Mathias is a great songwriter write a good hook. Easily one of the best hammer this point home, is depicted Minority Blues Band’s first album. That and his vocals are mesmerizing. The records I have heard this year. –Wanda rocking out in a automotive garage, was a mistake on my part. Sorry about songs are infectious and melodic. With a Sprag (Dirtnap) underneath an automobile up on hoists. that. Anyway, here’s what I have to say little research, I see that this incarnation I’m guessing that two seconds after this about Capitalized Suffering. Rule num- of the band released an LP in Italy in MASTER PLAN, THE: photo was snapped, the guy from the ber one: Japanese punk rockers play early 2003 titled H-Minor. I’m on a Colossus of Destiny: CD Fleshtones (who are an excellent live their instruments better than American quest to acquire that and see how the One of my more noteworthy Crimes band, by the way), who is standing on punk rockers. Rule number two: every- progression to this release has gone so Against Rock™ – which have been his tiny combo amp, did one of his little thing Snuffy Smile Records releases is far. –Donofthedead (Low Impact) astonishingly plentiful – was, at age high kicks, which dislodged one of the fucking awesome. Rule number three: 14/15, finding myself so un-throttled by car’s mufflers, which then swung down well, it’s not so much a rule, but pick up MAKE BELIEVE: my copy of the Dictators Go Girl Crazy and clobbered Paul “Peppermint” this fucking album already. If you like Self-titled: CD LP that i actually unloaded it back down Johnson in the face, who, reacting nega- Leatherface, Hüsker Dü, and the As Emperor of the Universe, I hereby at the record store within a few weeks of tively, tried to lift his bass over his head Replacements, you won’t be disappoint- issue this decree: Any college student initial purchase. Needless to say, the sit- to El Kabong the Fleshtones guy in ed. And, yes, I realize that Leatherface, caught with a backpack, horn-rimmed uation has been long since rectified, but retaliation, but, in the process, knocked Hüsker Dü, and the Replacements don’t glasses, and a musical instrument of any an error of that magnitude does not go the car off the hoists, immediately fatal- have that much in common with each kind in his possession shall be dealt a uncontemplated by one such as myself, ly flattening himself, Andy Shernoff, other, but Minority Blues Band has a lot serious kick in the shin. Yes, it may be and, after a number of attempts to and the drummer, after which the in common with all three. –Sean harsh, but SOMEONE’S got to stop this understand just what the hell i was Fleshtones guy quickly brushed the dust (Snuffy Smile) emo scourge at the roots. –Jimmy thinking when i flipped that burly gem off himself, adjusted his little beret, and Alvarado (Flame Shovel) back to the used bin for pennies on the quickly left the scene, whistling suspi- MISCONDUCT: dollar, i came to the conclusion than i ciously. Am i close? –Rev. Nørb (Total United as One: CD MANGINA: tragically abandoned Go Girl Crazy Energy) These guys come from Sweden. It con- At War with Black Metal: 7” simply because, at the time, it seemed tains twelve tracks of fast Pennywise- I’m not sure but I think that sometimes, old and square. Like, i know the ‘Tators MINDS, THE: style punk. This stuff is fast but has a lot when someone’s trying so damn hard to covered “California Sun” two years Plastic Girls: LP of changes in it and has some slow parts, bend over backwards in an attempt to before the Ramones did, but so what? I’m a dork. Yeah, the Minds had one of too. The lyrics are very positive and parody something, they end up sticking Having the Ramones version in hand, i my top ten 7”s of 2003 and, yeah, I about doing the right thing. This also the heads straight up their asses and, in really didn’t think i needed to keep the reviewed the CD format of this record a reminds me of old Southern California essence, come full circle; in other Dictators’ version – inarguably, a com- couple issues back, but fuck a ghost hardcore. The music is played well and words, they wind up a parody that is no parative plod (pooper-shaking be with a salami, I’m happy that a German the vocalist is good, too. A worthy longer a parody. Your guess is as good damned!) – around the house. Loveable label is releasing this on vinyl. The CD, release and worth the money for fans of as mine with this pod of mooning wiz- and irreverent as they were, they still instead of spending a respectable six this style. –Mike Beer (Union 2112) MR. T EXPERIENCE: sound. Knoll has the vocals – the Cribbing notes from prime Avail (it’s ORPHANS, THE: Yesterday Rules: CD husky, accented vocals that are distinct- earnest and energetic) and Tiltwheel Everybody Loves You Why? Why? Why? Sure, it’s not as bad ly European, although it is difficult to (the tight instrumental interlock), they When You’re Dead: LP as Alcatraz, but the lyrics keep getting tell exactly whereabouts. Or, it could be sound pretty fucking good right about “Fuck you, I just took a whole shitload worse. And I’m not some punk rock that she isn’t European at all, but an now. Recommended for fans of gruff- of coke,” Wade screamed. Something vigilante. I, much to the dismay of American who listened to too much voiced melodic punk. –Josh was muttered from the soundman. many friends, think late-period Minor Nico while growing up. Alas, a press (The Support Group) “Fuck ‘one more song.’ Two songs. Threat is great, and I like a fair amount sheet check confirmed that Knoll is Let’s go!” Typical Orphans fare, right of Bob Mould’s post-Hüsker Dü pro- Austrian. Accents, Krautrock, electron- OBLIVION: The Garden after someone got gored by the bass jects. But some bands do one thing well ic pop – isn’t this all like Stereolab? of the Machine: CD neck and took a microphone to the top – and any deviation from that results in Perhaps, in parts there seems to be a Put the bong down, college boy. of the head, they played what they the dreaded comparisons to Captain similarity between the two, but –Jimmy Alvarado (Oblivion) wanted, no more, no less. At first, it’s Crunch’s Oops! Chocolate Donuts with Neulander really has developed its own the firestorm that attracted me to the Sprinkles – a cereal that is just trying sound. Given it a listen and you might OIL!: Orphans. Play it fast, mix it up, and I’m too hard. Too much crooning, too much end up caught in the smoke and fire as The Glory of Honor: LP usually a sucker for it. The obvious seriousness, too many “affected” well. –Liz O (Disko B) Simultaneously ridiculous (lyrics-wise) stuff is great: Jenny’s a vixen, equal vocals. Gimme Lucky Charms! and spot-on (music-wise), this is one of parts rolling-in-glass punk sweetheart –Maddy (Lookout) NEW WAVE HOOKERS: the best homages and deflators of oi and back-arcing public displays of Ass & Frederic: LP culture I’ve heard in long time. Much drunken fuckitosity. Wade at bass – NEULANDER: Okay, I’ll admit that their tunes have an like JewDriver takes the undeniable I’ve never, ever seen someone simulta- Smoke + Fire: CD infectious quality to them and that they musical power of Skrewdriver and neously unplug from both ends – the Sometimes, it just takes one line from obviously know how to string chords turned it on its head (racism, for guitar and the amp – and then play for one song to drag a listener into an together in a pleasant manner. I’ll even starters), Oil! spins tales of skinhead a good forty-five seconds before he album. For this listener and this album, go so far as to admit that I was glory on its rubberized, metal-tipped realized he was unplugged. There is all the line was “I’ve lived in funeral impressed that they had the chutzpah to boots, both commending the best of the that on the criminally well recorded cities/ and I’ve lived in golden towns,” cover both the Dictators and Marginal culture (hey, at its best, it’s a definable Everybody Loves You When You’re from the song “Flying.” While this lis- Man on the same release. BUT, despite belief system where beer’s involved Dead. That danger, that people who tener still has no idea what it is that is these plusses, the pop punk feel inher- and hippies are hated) and making fun don’t go out that much, claim to have so captivating about that line, she con- ent in so many places here suddenly of its over-used clichés (calling ladies left punk rock, is here in spades. But fesses that it sucked her deep into leaves me feelin’ limp just when I start “birds,” spending gross amounts for then I continued to listen to this LP, and Smoke + Fire and she has yet to be able to get hot and bothered. –Jimmy fashionable clothing that was once not to get all mystical and shit on you, to escape. This debut album from New Alvarado (Wanker) made for the working class, and not but there’s a complete other side to the York-based duo Korinna Knoll and knowing how to cry.) In the end, yeah, Orphans. If Brandon wasn’t drumming, Adam Peters (ex-Echo and the NORTH LINCOLN: it’s pretty damn good. I bet you could it’d be mush. If Dann wasn’t guitaring Bunnymen), is filled with lyrics that are Self-titled: 7” slip it on in the middle of the first Blitz – Wade’s pitbull would still be lunging sort of vague and lovely and make you Much in the same way that young record, classic 4-Skins, and the – but Dan provides the teeth and neck sit around and wonder if this is all just bands like Mea Culpa and Rivethead Cockney Rejects, and few people strength for those teeth to really sink in. fantasy or reality? What exactly is sound very well-realized, this band would be the wiser. It’s leagues better Just as any half-assed karate movie has “Middle East” about? Is it a travelogue sounds totally confident on this 7”. I than that last Business record that taught me; strike when planted to put of sorts? A protest song? Musically, must say, having seen these guys in Epitaph put out. At least these guys strength in the blow. The result, a fan- Neulander has the minimal electronic Gainesville during one of the best know there’s a joke involved. First 300 tastic, satisfying record. The only criti- pop style down, with dollops of Neu weekends of my life last year, I was a have sixteen-page booklet and cism? I think Jenny’s organ solo should and Can influences to give the album a little apprehensive that maybe they silkscreened cover. –Todd be louder on “Creature Double sort of psychedelic, lo-fi new wave weren’t going to live up to what I (Noma Beach) Feature.” The LP is gorgeous, too. remembered. I shouldn’t have worried. Converse ink stomps on the that is some encrypted message to groove and you get rocked outta inserts, orange vinyl, the works. the gods. Either buy this 7” or go your boots. When you procure a –Todd (Unity Squad) get the CDEP, which is still avail- copy of this hunk of wax, rest able. Shit this good can’t be made assured you’re getting four solid PAIN OF SALVATION: up! If the manic music fiend tunes that sonically fall smack dab 12:5: CD Jimmy Alvarado hears this and in the middle of the “Western I plopped this in and, I shit you not, doesn’t shit a blue Twinkie like he Triangle” of punk – part Northwest suddenly there were elves and said I would do about the band Dirtnap ‘77 update, part SF “‘77 by fairies dancing around my living Mezklah (Hey, Jimmy! Are you way of ‘66” trash punk update, and room. I stopped the disc and they going to burn a copy for me?), I part ‘80s Hostage thug beach pop disappeared. Intrigued, I started it really don’t know him. update. The songs are ultra-catchy again and, lo and behold, there –Donofthedead (Prank) and sure to drop the jaws of anyone they were, prancing and singing within hearing distance. Neato die- and carryin’ on. Damndest thing. I PAPER CHASE, THE: cut cover, too. –Jimmy Alvarado pulled the nearest one aside and What Big Teeth You Have: (Wood Shampoo) asked him, “Wherefore doth thou CDEP boogiest ‘round my living room, Drone. That’s all I hear. Drone. PETIT VODO: gentle dryad?” He cocked his Artsy and experimental is one A Little Big Pig with a funny little hat to the side and said, thing, but having heard bands do Pink Lonely Heart: CD “‘Tis the hippie shit that spins in this genre over twenty years ago, I went back and forth with this ‘un, that machine anon.” So I took the it’s tough to listen to. one moment praising its inspired cute little fella by the feet and –Doughnuthead (Southern) brilliance, and the next railing bashed my stereo in with his head. against the self-indulgent crap that –Jimmy Alvarado (Inside Out) PATEL, RAJIV: it is. What’s it sound like? Imagine Obey the Cattle: CD the Butthole Surfers as a French PAINTBOX: A hippie guitarist overdoses on the one-man band with an overt Cry of the Sheeps: 7” herb, listens to one raga too many swamp blues influence. What’s the This is a US pressing that was pre- and decides to release an album ultimate verdict? It has its viously released on CD by HG featuring his efforts to masturbate moments. –Jimmy Alvarado Fact out of Japan back in 2001. across six strings. No thanks. (www.chez.comlollipoprecords) Paintbox are one of the most origi- –Jimmy Alvarado (Sunset Alliance) nal and powerful current bands out PHOENIX FOUNDATION, of Japan. Pigeonholed, they are PEGS, THE: Self-titled: 7” THE: We Need to Make not. They mix it up and swing their The Pegs play punk rock the way Some Changes: little CDEP mighty bat with their blend of punk it’s meant to be: trashy, angry, and Early Johnny Cougar fronting The and metal influences. I don’t fast. Two of the members of this Church over a severely muted Hot remember what issue my review of band were in the Numbers, and the Water Music. Hearts seem in the the CD was in, but I definitely have two other members of the band right place, but it’s too pretty and more to add. For starters, the vinyl were in the Letters, and in the time heart-on-sleeve-y for my tastes. version that I bought is pressed on it took me to type that sentence, I “Rain gives me a reason to stay red. The collector geek in me is played both sides of this seven inside”? Yerks. I like lyrics, and giddy about that! The minus is that inch. It’s a great record, but both music, more crucial and less mired it does not include a lyric sheet. sides put together have less than in excuses and paralysis. The last Not that it would help, since only a four minutes worth of music. I’m song is completely acoustic and small percentage of the world’s not saying don’t buy this. Buy it. skirts way too close to emo for my population reads Japanese besides Buy everything on Hostage. You CD player to continue operating. the Japanese. That includes me, can’t go wrong. But after you play –Todd (Snuffy Smile) who was raised by immigrant this, expect to be like my wife after Japanese parents who do not speak sex, saying, “What? That’s it? PIEBALD: All Ears, English and was forced to attend You’re done already?” –Sean All Eyes, All the Time: CD Japanese school for three years. I (Hostage) You know, I could say that this spent a month and a half in Japan record makes “She’s Like the as a child. All I can do is speak a PEPPER: Wind” by Patrick Swayze sound freakish coagulation that I call In with the Old: CD like “Whole Lotta Rosie,” but I Japan-glish. When spoken to, I If you yearn for another Sublime don’t think anybody who listens to understand certain words as long release, here is another band that is this band has ever heard “Whole as the person is speaking slowly. so similar that you might not notice Lotta Rosie.” Thanks for the jewel But what you miss out on and I that Sublime is gone. case. –Josh (Side One Dummy) will provide here are the cool –Donofthedead (Volcom) English choruses. The title track PLOT TO BLOW UP THE has the wonderful chorus that goes PERMANENT DAMAGE: EIFFEL TOWER: If You like this: “Cry of the sheep, fly on Booom: LP Cut Us We Bleed: CDEP the ship.” With all that is sung in Lo-fi garage rock that sounds like Skronk rock, strangely reminiscent Japanese, I really want to know it was recorded on a ghetto blaster of a less jazzy Saccharine Trust in how the chorus plays into the song. placed in a cardboard box, stuffed a pisser of a mood. Can’t decide Track 2, “Big Ant,” has the chorus with cotton and old rags and then whether I thought it was the bee’s that goes “Viva la viva la viva la wrapped tight with duct tape. knees or not, but it did make the traverring go, Viva la viva la viva Whatever floats your boat, I guess. past seven minutes of my life a lit- la traverring good.” Is the song –Jimmy Alvarado (Rockin’ Bones) tle more interesting. –Jimmy really about an ant? The third Alvarado (HCNL) track, “Betsu Mirai,” translates PERSUADERS/ into “Alternative Future.” I didn’t THE BLACKS: Split: 7” POST-HASTE: know for the longest what the title Persuaders: One lo-fi punk tune Untitled: CD of the third track was called since it and one sludgy instrumental. The One of those bands that sound was written in Japanese on the CD Blacks: They manage to do with interesting enough to pay attention version. Another thing you don’t one tune what The Persuaders when you hear ‘em on the radio but get on the 7” that is on the CD is couldn’t with two, which is come not interesting enough to find out the song that I have no idea what up with a remotely interesting who they are. –Jimmy Alvarado it’s called since it’s written in tune. Nothing particularly special – (Ionik) Japanese that is a bonus track. It’s stuttery guitar, 8-bar garage rock their reggae song that has their format, you know the drill, but it PULLEY: Matters: CD vocals manipulated to sound like works here. –Jimmy Alvarado I used to know and hang out with the Chipmunks. The lyrics endless- (Rockin’ Bones) the singer, Scott, when he was ly repeat “Bivouac, bivouac, singing in Scared Straight while he bivouac in my house, bivouac PERVZ, THE: was still in high school and before bivouac, bivouac in my home. Self-titled: 7” EP he played pro baseball. That was Reverse, returned, reverse in my When you hear a name like the fifteen years ago or so and I heart, returned, reverse, returned in Pervz, you tend not to expect much haven’t seen him since. my soul.” Now, that is deep! Do I from ‘em, so it is one helluva Afterwards, he was in Ten Foot understand it? No, but I believe shock when the needle hits the Pole and then put together Pulley. I don’t have the first Pulley record and bands like Mob 47 and Protes Bengt haven’t seen the band but I do have the that’ll slap that notion right outta your rest of the releases. This, being their head. A total of forty-one tracks, from fifth full-length, shows that they have three 7-inchers and a 12-inch spanning come a long way from their initial 1996 the years 1995-’98, are here for your release. Every new release that comes aural enjoyment and the displeasure of this way, I hear a comfortable and famil- all the fake-ass punker wannabes at your iar sound that is always palatable. If you school. Best news of all is that this band haven’t heard them before, they are kin- is apparently still going strong. You can dred spirits to Bad Religion, infusing bet your sweet patootie this is recom- thoughtful lyrics with a melodic back- mended. –Jimmy Alvarado bone. I have nothing bad to say and can (Hardcore Holocaust) always count on this band to provide me with enough energy to not bore me. RAMBLER 454: They always include enough pop over- No Name Café: CD tones to keep my toes tapping. I didn’t like this kind of stuff when it –Donofthedead (Epitaph) was put out by Johnny Cougar. Or John Cougar Mellencamp for that matter. RADIO BEATS: –Megan (Readyfireaim) Blow You Up: 7” Rambunctious Rip Off rock’n’roll. A RESIDUALS, THE: much better song selection than the split Atom Bomb: 7” EP with the Give Ups mentioned elsewhere. On the back they’re wearin’ TSOL and S’cuze me while I get the air guitar a Black Flag shirts, but their reliance on twangin’. –Jimmy Alvarado (Big Neck) the same Discharge-worshippin’ cloneisms you get from so many spiky- RADIO REELERS: headed punker bands these days belies Shakin’ at the Party: CD considerably less creative spark and One part Weird Lovemakers and one originality than their T-shirt heroes. part The Fells should make a better than –Jimmy Alvarado (Pair O Docs) substandard band, right? I don’t know if it’s the water, but San Francisco can RIPPERS, THE: really make good players go bad. Pudör Cronica: 7” –Wanda Sprag (Dead Beat) Side one is a raucous rock anthem and side two is a rippin’ version of “I Wanna RAINY DAY SAINTS: Be Your Dog,” both of which are sung in Saturday’s Haze: CD what sounds like Portuguese, but might Excellently executed solo project from be a Spanish dialect I don’t recognize. If the Keystone State (Pennsylvania ought- you’re smart enough to already own ta sue that weak-ass beer with the moun- their No Mört CD, this compliments it tains on the can for character defama- nicely. –Jimmy Alvarado (Ripper) tion) that makes me touch the doll in the same spots as 20/20, the Jesus & Mary RIVERBOAT GAMBLERS/ Chain and the one good Pixies album THROW RAG: A Tribute (i.e. the fourth one) did... and i kinda like to the Big Boys: 7” it, so don’t tell anyone about what hap- To be completely honest, I’m a huge fan pened. Of course, i didn’t really like it of almost everyone involved in this. I when he was touching my Neil Young realize this 7” is a footnote to their spot, and i was just confused when he respective works, which I’d suggest you was rubbing my Paul Simon unit, but seek out if you haven’t head yet. The the guitars were always up good’n’loud Riverboat Gamblers cover “Fun, Fun, in the mix, so what the fuck did i care? Fun,” and, in comparison to Something Owing to the stylistic mish-mosh in to Crow About (which former Big Boy, place here – although the album has a current Now Time Delegation-er Tim certain beefy uniformity to it, things run Kerr helped out on), their cover isn’t as the gamut from minor-chord laden bal- Fourth of July in the front of your brain. lads to things like “Lookout,” which The vocals are a tad muddled, and the sorta sound like “Electric” era Cult play- energy isn’t as crackling. A very good ing Hollies covers (which is good) (and cover, just not quite up to the A+ bar definitely on the correct side of the I’ve set for the Gamblers. Throw Rag: Graham Nash timeline) (implying that Biscuit’s chesty wail is replaced by the side where he leaves the Hollies to more of a twang and a demented coun- be in a band with Neil Young would be try/sailor feel, which is right up Throw the wrong side) (which is right) – a Rag’s crooked alley. They set a con- whole hog recommendation would be a trolled fire through “Red/Green” with bit like passing off Neapolitan ice cream chops to spare. The silk-screened cover as Strawberry, so i’ll just state for the art of three-headed skeletons by Lindsey official ledger that about a third of this Kuhn sweetens the deal. Not essential, record is great, and another third isn’t but a very cool artifact that I’m glad I half bad. Which i guess makes it three- got, nonetheless. –Todd (Dateshake) sixths great? I think i’ll listen to “Lookout” again. You can check the ROCKET FROM THE TOMBS: math independently. BEST SONG: Rocket Redux: CD “Lookout” BEST SONG TITLE: Considering there’s precious little info “YOU!” FANTASTIC AMAZING here, I have no idea when this was TRIVIA FACT: I was flipping through a recorded, although my guess would be free issue of Rolling Stone last week and sometime during their recent spate of on that little chart in the back where they reunion gigs. No matter, as it’s just list the Top Ten in record sales at one peachy to finally have a clear, coherent random record store somewhere in document of these guys finally avail- America each issue, this CD was #10. I able, and to hear David Thomas’ inim- still say it’s pretty good, though. –Rev. itable warble on classics like “Sonic Nørb (Get Hip!) Reducer,” “What Love Is,” “Ain’t It Fun,” “30 Seconds Over Tokyo,” and RAJOITUS: Discography: CD “Final Solution” is more than worth the If you thought the only thing price of admission. What may be lack- Scandinavia was good for anymore was ing in rawness and youthful energy they black metal and bad ‘70s rock, here’s more than make up for with hard swag- some mind-blowing, crucial fjordcore ger, as evidenced in a seriously rockin’ madness here in the classic mold of “Never Gonna Kill Myself Again.” Put more succinctly, I’m fuggin’ stoked I edgy. Truth be told, I don’t know what’s ingenious song structures. Who knows into experimental territories not unlike own a copy of this. –Jimmy Alvarado more pathetic: that this was even made what the hell these guys actually sing those mapped by Black Dice, Arab On (Smog Veil) or that there’s a demographic in exis- about? The singer could be mumbling Radar and other bands that venture into tence that would pay money to own a about how he got his cat to toss his the more extreme realms of noise. It’s RODRIGUEZ: Self-titled: CD copy. –Jimmy Alvarado (High Fidelity) salad. No one would know. But the loud, fucked up and sounds like a car Overdriven distorto-trash punk here that songs are infectious and truly outside wired with about 200 pounds of C-4 in a manages to hit all the right buttons. SAW WHEEL/ the box in design. It almost sounds like demolition derby. When I listened to Lowery’s a retard if he doesn’t hunt MADELINE: split 7” nursery rhymes. I grin like a flatulent this on headphones, it was even better these kids down and give them anything Saw Wheel: I really like this. I can’t man after a good round of expelling because it features panning effects, lots they want to record for him, ‘cause if quite pin down who the singer sounds fumes of unknown digestive nature of frequencies which elicit feelings of any band screamed “Rip Off Fodder,” like other than the singer for Lucero. It’s while listening to their music. I highly nausea, and bits of stuff that really these guys do. Recommended, and how. that acoustic rock with a folk influence recommend this band when you need to won’t be audible on speakers, no matter –Jimmy Alvarado (Swindlebra) rather than folk rock. Madeline: The be challenged or want to see what a how good they are. While I can’t yet say warbles of Joan Baez meets the cadence commercial band like System of a that this will be one of my favorite S’AINT WILLY: Meat: CD of Tori Amos. I’m ashamed I can com- Down would sound like if they took records of the year, I can say that this Rare is it when a release renders me pare anything to them. –Megan their weirdness to a level of LSD- collection of songs reminds me that completely speechless. This, my (Hill Billy Stew) induced Disney reality. I do have to punk and hardcore were once aggres- friends, is just such a release and it man- make my whiney cry, though. Why did I sive, confrontational, defiant, and aged to do so with the first two tracks SBV/ FEELIN’ FINE: Split: 7” have to get a CD-R instead of the real uncompromising, and that some bands alone. The songs in question, “All of SBV: Imagine Uniform Choice minus thing? The label sent the real packaging. make it a point to embed those qualities God’s Creatures Are Delicious with the straight edge pose and sped way the –Donofthedead (Life is Abuse) in everything they do. –Puckett Beer” and the ode to bacon “You Picked hell up. Better than I expected, actually. (Deathwish) A Swine Time to Eat Me and Squeal,” Feelin’ Fine: Grunt, grunt, bleat, grunt, SEX POSITIONS: are just so goddamned WRONG in bleat, yawn, yawn, yawn. –Jimmy Self-titled: CD SHOCKWAVE: these hyper-sensitive, post-PC times, Alvarado (www.retardedrecords.com) Okay, so I hate damn near everything I The Ultimate Doom: CD where even thinking about a ham sand- hear these days. So I hate on pretty Growly-voiced, tough guy eunuch wich relegates you to the lower echelons SCRAWL, LE: much everything with equal (and, I metal. –Jimmy Alvarado (Triple Crown) of ünter-dickdom. S’aint Willy and his Eager to Please: CDEP might add, well deserved and honestly cohorts are headed straight to H-E- I had the pleasure of experiencing this earned) malice and loathing. So I’d as SHOWOFFS, THE: Shocker: 7” DUBBLE-HOCKEYSTICKS, no band in a live setting here in jolly old soon flay most bands as listen to even The Showoffs have a lot in common doubt. Thank goodness they’ve provid- LA recently. I can’t believe this band one song on their shitty fucking records. with bands I really like. This is fast and ed those of us sure to follow them, from Germany is playing in LA! They So what? There are some albums that raw and fucked up enough to sound like clutching our pastramis on rye, with the have been around for ten years and I are so gleefully destructive that I forget it could’ve been on the legendary Beach perfect soundtrack on our way down believe they are stepping on these that I hate almost everything and, for Blvd. comp. These songs have a lot to into the abyss. Now, the real trick is to shores for the first time. I’m wasn’t my money, Deathwish is well on its way do with the early Crowd songs, but also figure out which of my vegan buddies going to miss it for the world! It’s truly to being my favorite label of the year. sound a lot like the Bodies and other deserves a copy of this next Xmas. amazing to see a band play with so I’ll spare you the bullshit about saving Hostage bands. This record would come –Jimmy Alvarado (www.kaom.com) much precision and pull off what is pro- hardcore and punk from itself, but in heavily recommended, but the lyrics are duced in a studio. I purposely waited 2004, Deathwish seems to be bringing just too repetitive. Shocker is one of SAVING FACE: until after the gig to listen to this CD. I Molotov cocktails to a switchblade those records that you listen to and you Holiday Cruise: CD wanted to be charged when I got to pre- fight. Sex Positions, as one example, can guess the names of all the songs on Squeaky clean, apple-pie-face pop view the new songs. I was not disap- features traditional elements of modern the first listen because “Psycho Girl” punk. Includes songs with titles like pointed. Thirteen songs of Cookie hardcore (think about bands like Give goes, “She’s a psycho girl/ psycho girl/ “Fuck You” and “The Slut Song” to Monster-induced grindcore mixed with Up The Ghost and The Suicide File for psycho girl/ (repeat indefinitely)” and show that they’re mischievous and acid jazz, keyboard, sax, and sheerly a starting point) and quickly veers off “Pyromaniac” goes “Pyromaniac/ pyro- maniac/ pyromaniac (repeat indefinite- together. Who knows if this is one last, SOME GIRLS: STREET TRASH: ly).” There’s also a naked lady on the great slab of music from Smogtown or if All My Friends Are Self-titled: 12” EP cover, too. I just thought that would be a there’s more to come. Either way, it’s Going Death: CD I haven’t a clue who they are or where good thing to mention. –Sean another fine, fine CD. –Sean (TKO) First of all, this isn’t the Juliana Hatfield they come from, but this is by far the (Noma Beach) group. Second, you probably already punkest record I’ve heard in a while. SMUT PEDDLERS: know that this includes members of Amped up hardcore is the order of the SIDEKICK: So Far Away: CD Exit Plan: 7” Give Up The Ghost, Unbroken, The day here, with lyrics covering incest, Not too exciting. Not too bad. When In the spirit of full disclosure, Julia, the Locust, Over My Dead Body, Swing child abuse, drug abuse, isolation and you think of SoCal punk in its latest drummer for the Smut Peddlers, helps Kids and Holy Molar. Third, this disc other topics. Sounds like more of the incarnation, this is what it would sound us out with making sure our covers are collects existing and unreleased materi- same ol’ same ol’? Well, imagine those like. Very palatable with a melodic surf correctly prepped for print, so there may al (the two EPs released to date plus topics addressed by Feederz or the Child backbeat. I could very well see this band be some favoritism. That said, I was a demo tracks and more fun). Fourth, it’s Molesters fronted by someone who is becoming popular. Pennywise fans fan of the band prior knowing her. In fucking brilliant. This isn’t hardcore so easily as annoying as the guy who front- should take note. –Donofthedead true punk OC, the land where few bands much as it is aggravated assault – it’s ed the Crucifucks and it’ll be quite clear (Gale Force) last beyond two records, I can honestly pulverizing, punishing and astonishing- to you that this is not another boring say that the Smut Peddlers are putting ly accomplished (not surprising, consid- meander through self-righteous sloga- SISSIES: together the best songs of their decade- ering who’s involved). Sure, there are neering. I’ll be quite surprised if they Everything in the World: CD long career. John’s vocals and lyrics are straight-forward hardcore parts, break- don’t find themselves with an FBI file It took a little while for this to grow on still simultaneously hilarious, kooky, downs, mosh parts and everything else or two on them in short order, consider- me, but it did – about three years too sad, angry, and oddly insightful. The you’d expect from a hardcore record, ing the current political climate we find late. The Sissies broke up about two only thing a veteran Smut Peddlers fan but – like most things which I’ve heard ourselves living in. Dude, this is soooo years ago. This is their discography, might wrinkle an eyebrow over is that from Deathwish lately – it’s also strik- recommended. –Jimmy Alvarado more than thirty tracks all wrapped up in his vocals seem more intentionally tat- ingly experimental, primarily in the lyri- (Kapow) the fanciest looking Plan-It-X packag- tered and roughed-up on this 7” than cal content but also in the sound (equal ing I’ve seen. It’s campy in that way that before. But his lyrics are a fascinating parts noise, spastic hardcore like Melt- STRONG COME ONS: makes you want to share it with a close glimpse into the inner workings of a Banana and The Blood Brothers, and Yell a Lot and Suck: 7” friend and then every mix tape to them frontman with bad balance. If you ever seemingly chaotic rhythm). The mix More like Yell a Lot and Rock. That is from now on will have one of their want to see how paranoia, love of older leaves these songs sounding raw and the dumbest thing I’ve ever said in a songs on it. –Megan (Plan-it-x) ways of life in a beach culture, and an feral (as if covering The Stooges’ “No review. Loud, fast, and catchy as hell. obsession with skating pools works out Fun” wouldn’t do that by itself), while –Megan (Big Neck) SKIT SYSTEM: in punk songs, look no further. Although Wes’ lyrics seem like picking scabs off Gra Varld/Svarta Tankar: CD I always liked Roger Ramjet’s single self-inflicted knife wounds. However, I STRUGGLE, THE: Hoo, doggy, was the cranial scrubbing guitar work when he was in the band, really wouldn’t expect anything less Hopeless Nights: 7” EP this vicious little monkey gave me ever the addition of Sean and Scott, both at challenging from the people involved These guys are from the east coast and necessary. Few bands can unleash this guitar, really ratchets up the melodies with this album. –Puckett (Deathwish) play a combination of hardcore and brand of musical madness the way Skit and anxiety. Almost secretly, behind all punk. Out of the four songs, three of System can, with their down-tuned the obvious stuff, Julia’s drumming SPITTING TEETH/ them are fast hardcore. One is mid- crunch and general menace, all fjord- cements these three songs, like a per- 1-2-GO! CREW: paced. They are all good. The lyrics are core fury steeped in, but not totally fectly poured and groomed transition in Fear of a Mosh Planet: split 7” about perseverance and sticking things reliant upon, Discharge influence. It a deep bowl, giving them the perfect, Too many splits attempt to make seduc- out and doing what you want regardless never seems to amaze me how pumping material to carve through song tive Siamese twins out of bands that are of what others think. These guys are Scandinavian bands have taken the after song. Recorded, engineered, and just too damn similar to make it really scheduled to tour the east coast this basic template laid down by Cal and the produced by X’s Billy Zoom. Thumbs interesting. Admittedly, Siamese twins spring and the west coast in late sum- boys and managed to remain unique in up. –Todd (Ransom) are in and of themselves naturally inter- mer. So if they are coming to your area, sound from each other. But I digress. If esting and these similar-band pairings check them out. –Mike Beer (FNS) it’s a grade-A hardcore onslaught you’re SNAGS, THE: Self-titled: CD sometimes do work. But too often you lookin’ to punish your ears with, Skit Another UK three-piece with a jones for wind up with a two-headed beast of the SULTANS, THE: System always deliver the goods. that ‘60s garage rock. While there may “Jessica Simpson/Nick Whatever-his- Shipwrecked: CD –Jimmy Alvarado (Havoc) be zillions of bands doing this these name-is” variety and crushing bland- I don’t understand how John Reis can be days, I gotta admit these guys’ repertoire ness is the inevitable result. When you so prolific and still have so many tricks SMACKMADAM: was catchy enough to warrant several have truly divergent personalities up his sleeve. After about a million Self-titled: 7” listens. Not bad. –Jimmy Alvarado smushed up together, it just makes it Rocket From the Crypt records, a few The little propaganda sheet that came (www.thesnags.co.uk) that much more interesting and pleas- Drive Like Jehu records, a couple of with this record compares antly jarring. Fear of a Mosh Planet is a Hot Snakes records, and the first Sultans Smackmadam to a “head-on collision” SO FOX: Self-titled: 7” case in point. You will have no trouble album, you’d think that maybe he might between Social Distortion and the It was a shitty time when the Selby telling the two groups on this split apart. be running out of ideas. Apparently, Supersuckers. I guess I can kind of see Tigers called it a day in the Spring of Now, with 1-2-GO! Crew, I must con- that’s not the case, as this whole album that, but to my waxy ears they sound 2002. They were one of the first two fess to being far from ideally suited to pretty much rules. It’s a lot different more like the Quadrajets or maybe a bands I interviewed for Razorcake and throw any kind of meaningful critical from the first one, Ghost Ship, which is low-carb version of the Midnight Evils. were equal parts rock’n’roll showman- light on these guys. The idea of some- more fuzzed out and garagey-sounding, Either way, this is the type of grubby, ship, sweat and shake new wave, all one like me reviewing something but it’s still really, really good in a white trash, snoose-drooling race-car wrapped in a world of fireworks. My rap/hip-hop is probably like having slightly laid back kind of way. It really rawk that seems to irk the orthodox ‘77- hesitation to plop this 7”er down was Paris Hilton try to say something is amazing how these songs don’t sound style punk constituency to no end these unwarranted. There are definitely rem- insightful about a Mentors show. In fact, like castoffs from a RFTC album. No days. For me, well, it makes me want to nants of the Selby sound from the weird the Fat Boys are about the only hip-hop artsy motives or pretensions, they mere- drink beer naked in the front yard with a but kept-in-check guitaring and the group who, by virtue of the sheer heft of ly rock. Totally recommended. –Josh farmer tan for all the neighborhood to pound the sky drums. But the most their awesomeness, ever broke through (Swami) see. And that’s a good thing. –Aphid obvious overlap is Arzu’s voice, still the walls of my sheltered little world Peewit (Fonzie Town) strong and resonant. These four songs and started punk-slapping me around. SYZSLAK: I Am Misery: 7” are definitely not throwbacks or rip offs. So though my couple Fat Boys tapes No, your music is misery. You’re just SMOGTOWN: If anything, So Fox is more of a constant hardly afford me the “street cred” to be the sadistic bastard responsible for it. All Wiped Out: CD straight-ahead push forward than the mouthing off on such things – I’ll go –Jimmy Alvarado (World Eater) The first couple of times I listened to Selbys. The first, “Teen Beat,” is my ahead and say simply that I like this this, my basic reaction was, yep, this is favorite. Effects and intricacies are posi-core sXe rap music the 1-2-GO! TALK, THE: Smogtown. Nothing new. Nothing replaced by a more sleeves-rolled-up, Crew serves up. It even has a rap It’s Like Magic in Reverse: CD unexpected. It rocks hard enough to non-ass rock’n’rolling. Like a phoenix remake of Damage Deposit’s “Ninjas to Punky power pop in a Vapors vein. I’m knock my dick in the dirt, but I expect- rising from the ashes… –Todd the Back” and some human beat boxing willing to bet there were a lotta high- ed that. Then something happened the (Nice and Neat) that helped me to feel a little bit more at fives and smiles around the room the third time I listened to this. I started to home. Spitting Teeth, on the other hand, first time they heard the final mix, notice Chip’s chaotic bass. Tim’s drum SOLABEAT ALLIANCE: is more familiar territory for me; they ‘cause they’ve just about nailed a per- fills started to burrow into my ears. Island Fire: CD lunge at you and smack you around the fect combination of good hooks and Little things just beneath the fuzz came This brand of ska punk ceased to be a room with feisty, thrashy hardcore that edgy delivery. A very good, very wel- to me more clearly. Yes, I thought, this viable creative style the minute has a slight southern-fried Confederacy come surprise. –Jimmy Alvarado is Smogtown. Everything new. Operation Ivy called it a day nearly a of Scum undercurrent at times. Each (MoRisen) Everything unexpected. As far as I decade and a half ago and nine billion side of this record stands on its own, but know, they’re still broken up, though less talented bands decided they were taken all together, this is one refreshing TAMION 12 INCH: rumors of new Smogtown shows are the ones who could carry the torch. Uh, one-two punch of a split 7 incher. Let’s Suffer: CD surfacing. Supposedly, they played a big make that nine billion and one. –Jimmy –Aphid Peewit (1-2-3-4-GO!) Listening to Tamion 12 Inch’s latest show down in southern Orange County Alvarado (www.moonskaeurope.com) full-length, Let’s Suffer, is like being in March. Who knows if they’ll keep it trapped inside a fever dream, escalated THRETNING VERSE: play songs I’m not really interested in. VARANT MAJARIAN/ by too much Codiene—a vivid terror Time for War: 7” EP The lady who does most of the singing, ABANDON ALL HOPE/ you just can’t, or perhaps don’t want to, I remember seeing these guys a few sounds melodramatic and swoony. I THE SUBJECTS: escape. When the dream breaks with the years back and not thinking much about wish them no ill-will, I just don’t dig it. 3-Way Split: CD fever, you wake up sweat drenched and them, other than they were just your As a bit of trivia: Jon, the drummer used Varant: A hardcore band making valid compelled to write down every average backyard hardcore band provid- to be in Florida band, The Y. Absolutely points left and right with liberal doses of grotesque detail. The album’s first song ing the perfect music to get drunk by. no musical overlap between the two cynicism. The song titles are hilarious. “The Devil was Right (part 1),” is a sin- Well, that assessment’s changed thanks bands. –Todd (Barracuda Sound) Abandon: decent mid-tempo hardcore, ister nursery rhyme setting the mood for to this smokin’ piece of wax. The but the metal in the guitars knocks ‘em the album like the childhood chant sounds are steeped in the hardcore TOXIC NARCOTIC: a rung or two down the “crucial” ladder. before the kill that marks so many hor- sounds found east of the LA river, fast Beer in the Shower: 7” The Subjects: Sorry, but I really can’t ror movies. Tamion 12 Inch continues to and furious with no bullshit delivery. One of the United States’ better hard- take seriously a band that thanks “punk drag listeners further into the void with This sounds like it could’ve easily come core outfits have been kind enough to rock junkies, fast cars, fast women and sharp electronic precision, blistering out in the mid-’80s, thanks in no small cease with the yellin’ and release two of Guinness beer.” Varant wins by a land- noise, ominous basslines, guitars creat- part to the efforts of Messrs. Jake Smith their bagpipe-slathered instrumental slide. –Jimmy Alvarado (Chicken Head) ing a death grunt, and a singer reminis- (TV git-twanger and former Crucifix tunes on a picture disc. If you’re lookin’ cent of Siouxsie Sioux howling her way punk hero) and Mike Vallejo (ex-Circle for something to tide you over until that VARIOUS ARTISTS: through “The Lord’s Prayer.” This is One guitarist and current Decry babe next “All-Irish Traditional Hoedown” 60 Songs: 2X CD some seriously haunted electronic punk. magnet), who do a great job with the record from whatever popular punk You know, you’d figure that with sixty I may not be able to sleep with the lights producing and engineering, respective- band is making the rounds these days, to choose from, a guy would find at least off after listening to this, but it is worth ly, and getting this to achieve maximum then look elsewhere, as these tunes are three or four tracks that were swell, but it. –Liz O (Ersatz Audio) rage. You like it loud, raw and fast? really fuckin’ good and we wouldn’t no, the only track remotely interesting I Look no further. –Jimmy Alvarado want you damaging you precious musi- managed to find was the one by the only TEAR IT UP: (Puke ‘n’ Vomit) cal sensibilities with quality music. In band I’d heard of on here, Melt Banana. Taking You Down with Me: LP short, highly recommended. –Jimmy The rest was just shades of screamo and From the title track, which is basically THRIFT STORE HEROES: Alvarado (Rodent Popsicle) grind that got boring by the seventh Black Flag’s “Scream” tweaked and Moving On: CD track on the first disc. –Jimmy Alvarado regurgitated as an instrumental, to their Alarming Fact: Planet Earth is now dan- TRANSISTOR (www.buildingrecords.com) blazing tears through tunes that sound gerously infested with Blink 182 TRANSISTOR: Wolves: CD like they were plundered from Hüsker wannabes. Though they are obviously Screamo gives me a rash. –Jimmy VARIOUS ARTISTS: Dü’s thrashy back catalog, it’s obvious testicle-less, they manage to breed like Alvarado (Level-Plane. The address is Beer City Records that these guys have a firm grasp of the soft, cuddly bunnies. Let it be known: too friggin’ small to read) Presents Counter Attack: CD history of the music they play, and they Western Civilization is now fully Mike from Beer City must be in his 30s. wear it on their sleeves. This is not declined. Whatever happened to those TWISTED ROOTS: All the current stuff he is putting out is meant as a dismissal, an attempt to lump L-5 space colonies that Gerard O’Neill Self-titled: CD stuff from my childhood. Bands like them in with the hordes of lesser hacks promised? I gotta get me the hell outta Yessir, you are correct, this band had ex- MDC, DRI, Toxic Reasons, and Verbal who think that four chords played fast here. God, I hope my neighbors didn’t members of The Screamers (Paul Abuse were regular listening for me in constitute good hardcore. To the con- overhear me playing this sappy dreck. Roessler) and the Germs (Pat Smear). high school. Current bands like Beer trary, it is obvious that bands like this Even the little old lady next door who Kira went on to join Black Flag. Pat Zone, The Werent, Oppressed Logic, and like-minded powerhouse Out Cold eats Chapstick will be laughing at me. went on to play with Nirvana. The sec- Very Metal and Red Flag 77 play like have a firm grasp and respect for the –Aphid Peewit (Thrift Store Heroes) ond drummer, Gary, went on to become they could have been bands from yester- past and they allow it to influence, the lead singer for Celebrity Skin. The year. He throws in Humungus, which is rather than dominate, their present THRILLS: N.A.F.I.T.C.: CD good news is they were only around for Nikki Sicki from Verbal Abuse, which a musical output. These guys are far from If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent six months from ‘81-’82. Do yourself a friend of mine originally was supposed a rehash band. Sure, all requisite hard- many a sleepless night, tossing and turn- favor. Go check some of those afore- to release. I hate the term, but Mike core identifiers are met with ease, mean- ing, wondering what sort of band would mentioned bands out. They’re good to Beer is old school and his colors are bla- ing the songs are short, fast, and the GG Allin’s brother Merle be involved in great. Twisted Roots sucks along the tantly on his sleeve. I have no hate for boys play ‘em like they are royally back before his face was old enough to lines of a self-absorbed, hippie carnival the guy because I have picked up a few pissed, but there’s enough original spark grow a Hitler mustache. Well, give your Devo. It definitely goes way beyond the reissues because it’s so much easier and, more importantly, a sense that their Ambien supply away to the little kids on gauntlet thrown down by SSDecontrol – burning songs off a CD than LP on to efforts are genuine in intent to allow your block, because you need wonder “How much art can you can you take?” my Ipod. So, all in all, this a label sam- them to stand tall over the teeming no more: Back in the late ‘70s/early Purely punk intentions alone do not a pler. It could also be a sample of his masses of generic cactus heads and nou- ‘80s, before that menacing little mud- punk record make. Bleargh. –Todd record collection that he wants the kids veau metal merchants. It is wholly grat- flap sprouted beneath Merle’s nose, he (Dionysus) to check out after they get over being a ifying to hear others of like mind who played bass in a catchy, jangly new Blink 182 fan. –Donofthedead revere rather than debase the music. I wave outfit called the Thrills who TYRADES, THE: (Beer City) recommend that you buy a copy of this sounded a tiny bit like a slightly edgier, I Am Homicide: 7” and indulge in a little smashism while it garagey Blondie. Who’da thunk it? But Blue collar retard art rock. On The VARIOUS ARTISTS: blares in the background. –Jimmy now you know. And so now it is, in the Planet of The Tyrades, everything’s just Broken Bonez: CD Alvarado (Havoc) immortal words of the great Tor more tightly wound, more visceral, Nothing to do with the legendary hard- Johnson, “time for go to bed.” –Aphid louder, faster moving, and mixed up. core band of the same name, this is a TEXAS THIEVES: Peewit (Dionysus) Like a golf ball in a vice, split open with comp of bands I’m assuming are from Forced Vacation: CD a hacksaw, there’s a hard shell to crack, the El Paso area. A grand total of one Mid-to-gallop-tempo punk here, mining THUMBS UP!: and inside, it’s all rubber bands of elas- track here managed to capture my atten- the old OC stuff as well as Northern Destroy: CDEP tic bass lines and snapping guitars and tion – Radio La Chusma’s “Thoughts of Cali skater punk sound of bands like the Loud, fast, angry thrashy punk fucking drum punishment that’ll put an eye out You” – which reminded me of an Faction. I really wasn’t expecting much rock! Eight songs, eleven minutes. Very if you’re not careful. You know how acoustic Quinto Sol without all the “kill from this, but it’s actually pretty danged similar sounding in many ways to F- some “higher-minded” art rock bands the white man” rhetoric. The remaining good, and “Crucifixes Are for Kids” is Minus (without any female vocals) and are all about hard-to-grasp angularity stuff here was demo recordings of fairly just flat-out great. –Jimmy Alvarado every bit as good as them. –Toby and it makes you feel like you’re in an stereotypical backyard punk and rocka- (Super Speedway) (Room 13) immaculate Laundromat of the future billy. –Jimmy Alvarado for rich fucks? Sterile, churning, mis- (www.brokenbonezrecords.com) THOUGHT RIOT: Sketches TOWERS OF HANOI: placed; you’re only allowed to watch, of the Undying Will: CD Self-titled: CDEP not touch. The Tyrades make me feel VARIOUS ARTISTS: Go-Kart Another sophomore release to review. At best, they remind me of Seaweed, like they’re making cool animals shapes MP300 Raceway: 2X CD This band has progressed smoothly to when the dude’s singing and the guitars (monkeys with knives, armadillos with This is a label sampler that also includes this release. The song writing and musi- are swinging. But there are quite a few boners) out of plastic explosives and what seems like every band under the cianship is much stronger. This is much hurdles. Poetry jam rock has never been they share the kabloom! with the listen- sun: a hundred and fifty bands, three more enjoyable than their previous a friend of mine. It comes from going to er. One of my favorite bands right now hundred songs. Only draw back is sound release. Equal parts Anti-Flag, Rise school with hippies. I just don’t dig it. It keeps on trucking along. A no-brainer quality, since this is recorded in MP3 Against, and AFI is what comes to mind makes me irritable because if I truly for fans of the Orphans, Sweet J.A.P., format. If you don’t understand, this is while I listen. Social/political lyrics are cared how well people played their and the Functional Blackouts. –Todd compressed digital, which means that a continuing theme. My highlight would instruments, I’d listen to classical (Shit Sandwich) the songs are four times smaller in file be the stronger use of choral back- music. I crave tight, quick song struc- size. That is how so much can be ground vocals and using more subtle tures. Or drugs, lots of drugs, then you VAPIDS, THE: crammed into these two CDs. What you ambient guitar notes to electrify their run the possibility of playing almost We Can’t Do It: 7” get in quantity, you lose in fidelity. I’m songs. I might actually leave my house anything short of the Grateful Dead near Safe poppy punk for small children and sure most or all will not notice the dif- the next time the band comes to town to me before I lunge for the stereo. So, the their puritanical parents. –Jimmy ference, since you are either greedy and play a show. –Donofthedead (A-F) Towers of Hanoi play well, but they Alvarado (Route 13) just want more. But I 97 notice those things and my anal tenden- musicians that aren’t even considered as albums ever, or c.) both! Vindictives to back such a serious allegation, I sub- cies make it a pet peeve at times. I can’t One Man Bands are acoustic guitar- songs performed by the band, with pan mit the following song titles: “(I Wanna see anyone wouldn’t be able to find wielding singer-songwriters… (a flutes, chimes, xylophones, violins, and Wipe) A Booger On Dan (Rather),” something they like on this release. singer-songwriter) is the antithesis of acoustic guitars! Vocals sung in a plain- “Let’s Make Fun of the Amish,” There is so much on here. I think the the theatrical inventive, unique, spirited, tive, non-screamy manner! Imagine “Wookie Weenie,” “Eskimo Pie Is Not thing is cheap, so there is no danger of absurdity-celebration that is a classic hearing acoustic versions of “I’m in Pie and Contains Very Little Eskimo,” wasting your money. There is a chance One Man Band!” If you have any fur- Trouble Now” and “Ugly American!” If and “Ode to Ziplock the African Albino that you will find your next favorite ther questions, it is suggested you pick you aren’t familiar with the Vindictives Claw-Footed Water Frog,” quite possi- band. –Donofthedead (Go-Kart) up this 10” with a 7” accompaniment. (one of my favorite bands of all time!), bly the most poignant love song to a lost Rockin’ Bones have put together a well- this will mean nothing to you. But for pet since Manilow’s “Mandy.” I am VARIOUS ARTISTS: Hardcore placed display of this broad and diverse the rest of you, I must say: Holy pleased to report that Worm Quartet from the Early Days: CD method of music. The comp features the Ridiculosity, Batman! If this were a remain both at the top of their game and A collection of tunes from three old likes of Sexton Ming (Billy Childish cereal, it’d be Urkel O’s. You just gotta a personal favorite. –Jimmy Alvarado Connecticut hardcore bands. Target collaborator), Hasil Adkins (the great- HOPE it’s a joke! Insane! –Maddy (Worm Quartet) Cells: Eleven tracks from their Cerebral est), Lightning Beatman, and a bunch of (Teat Productions) Hemorrhage cassette, recorded in 1983. other people I’ve never heard of, which X-POSSIBLES: Mid-tempo hardcore, pretty typical for makes it all the better. All different. All VON ZIPPERS, THE: Blood Everywhere: CD its time, which should not be taken as an worth your attention. –BD Williams The Crime Is Now!: LP Solid female-fronted punk rock remi- insult. White Pigs: Remember there (Rockin’ Bones) Political garage rock, kind of like a low- niscent of the old LA band Red Scare. being a big to-do about their name and rent Randy with a much better name. I Like that band, the poppier mid-tempo whether they were on a racist kick like VARIOUS ARTISTS: thought I remembered these guys stuff here is good, but when they thrash contemporaries White Pride, but with Punch Drunk V: CD sounding more like the New Bomb things up, watch out, boyo. This is the exception of the word “spic” in one This is the fifth in this series of Punch Turks, but it’s been a couple of years gonna garner much airplay come sum- song, they’re devoid of the usual “I Drunk comp CDs. As always, they fea- since I listened to Blitzhacker. The art- mertime. –Jimmy Alvarado hate...” dogma you find with those ture a great mix of what TKO has to work looks really cool, and this is a (www.x-possibles.com) bands. Judging solely from the remain- offer. This time around you get twenty- pretty decent record on its own merits, ing lyrical content, I’m willing to bet eight songs by twenty-eight bands! but it fails to singe off my eyebrows or YE OLDE BUTTFUCK: How to they included that word merely to ruffle Check out some of these bands: The give me a wedgie. Too bad. –Josh Get to Heaven from the feathers of the more uptight factions Boils, Adolf & the Piss Artists, the (Alien Snatch) Chattanooga, Tennessee: 7” of the almighty “scene,” ‘cause it ain’t Wretched Ones, Antiseen, Limecell, That must be a trick question. the word they use on the track. Either Bonecrusher, the US Bombs, plus more. VOODOO ORGANIST: Chattanooga, Tennessee is Heaven. I way, you get seven blasts of obnoxious I shouldn’t have to tell you TKO is The Return of: CD grew up around there and I greatly hardcore from the first of what would be known for putting out some high quali- The name says it all: just a guy and his admire that city’s beer-soaked contribu- many releases. Chronic Disorder: rare ty street punk, so this comp is not going organ belting out odes to pitchfork men tions to punk rock, as well as that train tracks from this band’s first couple of 7- to disappoint! As a bonus, it’s only and snakes in the eyes. Great for your that goes up the side of Lookout inch EPs and a couple of live tracks $5.00! –Mike Beer (TKO) next satanic soiree. –Jimmy Alvarado Mountain. That said, this was kind of a recorded at CBGB. Edgy hardcore with (www.deadteenagerrecords.com) letdown for me. Perhaps my memory of a noticeably Proletariat bent is the order VARIOUS ARTISTS: their beer-soaked punk rock is a bit of the day on their seven tracks. Being The War on Terrorism: 7” EP WE INVENTED fuzzy due to me being soaked in beer at old enough to remember when all this There are four artists on this: Caulfield, TORNADOES: Self-titled: CD more than one Jack Palance Band show, stuff first came out, I’d have to say that, Mumbler, The Gibbons, and Megan I only care about which ex-members of but I don’t know. I didn’t really get overall, this was a very satisfying trip Kott, respectively. While I can’t say I’m which bands got together because I did- excited when I listened to this record down memory lane. Recommended. particularly enthused by the shades of n’t like any of their previous groups and I can’t put my finger on why that is. –Jimmy Alvarado (Coldsweat) pop punk and emo oozing off this piece (Guzzard, King Can, etc.). This power This label put out the Stun Guns LP that of wax, the lyrics to all four songs are trio extends their streak, a dubious you should definitely check out. Also, VARIOUS ARTISTS: very well written diatribes against the accomplishment at best. It’s more bor- I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: How’s My Driving?: CD shenanigans the current US government ing guitar rock, which not only sounds don’t play Rolling Stones songs unless Judging from the bands and the titles of finds itself in. Seeing as I have heard dated now but sucked when it was in you are Devo. –Josh (Shut Up) some of the songs, one is led to believe pitifully few other bands do the same, I vogue the first time. In this case, the old that this is some sort of skate punk wholly recommend this and hope the adage of dancing with the one who YOUTH GONE MAD: comp, with bands old (Fang, Los rest of the guitar-slinging morons brought you doesn’t hold true; this Self-titled: CD Olvidados, Free Beer), new, (the dreaming of pop stardom start waking record is some of the best evidence yet The cover of this CD screams, Lincolns, the Forgotten) and defunct up. –Jimmy Alvarado (Salinas) presented for ditching your date in favor “Featuring Dee Dee Ramone,” and (Odd Numbers, who do a spot-on of someone better at the hoedown. claims to be “Dee Dee Ramone’s last impersonation of mid-period Agent VEE DEE: Furthur: CD –Puckett (Learning Curve) musical will and testament.” After lis- Orange). Most of the tracks here have Vee Dee mix in some of the lighter- tening to it, I have the following reac- been previously released, but the flow hearted, dark-stained pop overtones of WHITE LIARS, THE: tion: Never, ever do a lot of drugs over from tune to tune is good, with little early Replacements, the crunch of early Pharmacia: CD a long period of time. This includes a dead air between tracks to harsh your ‘80s, mid-tempo middle America punk This had the look of radio pop punk, but few new Dee Dee songs and a cover of next pool session. The personal favorite – the “you know they’re older, but they the sound of crap rock with “Blitzkrieg Bop” that proves that, like tune here is the unreleased Fang track, sound like they just discovered this shit” echoey/reverby vocals. Woo hoo! pizza, certain songs, no matter how who I’ve had a soft spot for since the sound. When they speed up, I hear clips –Megan (24 Carrot) badly executed, will still be sort of early ‘80s. –Jimmy Alvarado of early Freeze guitar. When they slow alright. Note to people who collect bad (Super Speedway) down, out comes a “Bloodstains”-era WORLD BURNS TO DEATH: Dee Dee stuff: none of this is bad Agent Orange surf/secret agent man The Sucking of the enough to be funny. If anything, it’s just VARIOUS ARTISTS: guitar, counter pointed by a healthy Missile Cock: CD a little sad. If this were a cereal, it’d be Humans Must Die: CD-R Cramps-like addiction to zombies and Some straight-up peace punk/pacifist S’mores. Why revive something that A homemade CD-R comp of not-very- undertakers. It’s almost as if these guys hardcore here that sounds like the bas- could never be as good as it once was? rare tracks by the likes of Ill Repute, took a gigantic, aerial photograph of tard child of Crucifix and some fjord- (And, by the way, what’s up with chang- Minor Threat, Sex Pistols, Anti-Heros, America of punk America circa 1979- pining thrash unit circa 1984. The lyric ing the name to Smorz?) –Maddy COC, Circle Jerks, Attitude Adjustment, 1980, harvested all the best parts, and sheet was a pleasant surprise, with obvi- (Trend is Dead!) Bob Marley, Voodoo Glow Skulls, Avail stitched it all together as expertly as a ous effort being put into explanations and others. There’s a nice cross section plastic surgeon. Only that they keep the for each song. Included here are tracks ZERO DOWN: of sounds here, but unless you’ve just “ugly” parts Killed By Death ugly. from an LP, two 7-inchers and a couple Pound for Pound: CD fallen off the turnip wagon, you’re Ultimately, Furthur has a ton of satisfy- unreleased tunes. Hope they’re still The hardcore-style boxing photo on the gonna be hard pressed to find anything ing songs that are as easy to like and slugging it out, ‘cause they’re pretty cover fooled me, like it may end up here you haven’t heard before. I wonder understand. It harkens back to an era darn good. –Jimmy Alvarado fooling a lot of people. I think this is how long it’ll take before the guy doing when punk’s best art was xeroxed flyers (Hardcore Holocaust) what it would sound like if the Stone this is slapped with a “cease and desist” stapled to telephone poles. –Todd Temple Pilots and their record compa- order. –Jimmy Alvarado (Criminal IQ) WORM QUARTET: Faster ny’s marketing department got together (Bastard Radio) Than a Speeding Mullet: CD and figured out a way of making the VEINS, THE: Hollywoodland: CD To (mis)quote the ever-quotable Spinal band even more bland than they already VARIOUS ARTISTS: I hate wimpy rock. The solution? More Tap, there’s a fine line between genius are. Sorry, but pound for Me and My Six-Stings Club: Thin Lizzy. –Wanda Sprag (Garage-Pop) and stupidity, and Worm Quartet strad- pound, Zero Down is what the One Man Band Compilation/ dle both sides of that line with ease. practitioners of the sweet sci- Contest: 10” with 7” VINDICTIVES, THE: They (actually “he,” I guess) write ence call “a tomato can.” Roctober #34 “One Man Band! Unplugged: CD catchy, synth-driven tunes about shit so –Aphid Peewit (Zero Down) Encyclopedia” defines a one-man band Okay, this is either a.) one of the funni- silly that it makes the Dickies seem like by what it is not, i.e. “the only solo est jokes ever, b.) one of the worst perennial scowlers Discharge. As proof 99 C O N T A C T A D D R E S S E S to bands and labels that were reviewedin the eitherlast two in months. this issue or posted on www.razorcake.com
• 1-2-3-4-Go!, 732 56th St., NY, NY 10013 • Lance Rock, 370 Bruce Ave., • Route 13, 1109 Prospect Avenue, Oakland, CA 94609 • Dr. Strange, PO Box 1058, Nanaimo, BC, Canada V9R 3Y1; Wilmington, DE 19809 • 24 Carrot, 12860 Beach Blvd. Alta Loma, CA 91701
cized, tortured, and abused. Tabb handles the clear enough at a distance, but the nearer you get Playing Right Field: subject with dark humor, hopeful moments, and to the scene of events the vaguer it becomes.” A Jew Grows in Greenwich honest brutality. Reading this collection It’s good to keep this quote in mind when look- by George Tabb, 140 pgs. renewed my respect for Tabb as a writer. He has ing at world politics. It always seems so simple When I first started reading George Tabb’s a natural way of grabbing my attention and from our armchairs. Like, we can look at the column in Maximum Rocknroll about ten years holding it. Once I started reading this book, I Isreal/Palestine situation and say, “They should ago, I thought he was great. He’s a natural sto- didn’t want to put it down. I literally carried it divide the country in half, each take their half, ryteller, and compared to the overabundance of with me for two days, read it as often as I could and stay the hell away from each other.” As you lame MRR columnists, Tabb really stood out. To – at work, during meals, on the can. Any time I get closer, though, the situation gets so complex. be honest, I picked up MRR back in those days could get a couple of minutes, I stuck my nose Read Joe Sacco’s Palestine and you’ll realize just to read the columns by Tabb, Nørb, and back in the book. It’s rare that a writer can grab that there are no easy answers. And here, in the Mykel Board. Then MRR kicked Nørb out for me like that. I really enjoyed this book. spirit of Orwell and Sacco, Justin Bryant has using the phrase “cadillac of vaginas,” Tabb I do have one big complaint, though. While written a beautifully complex novel about South started re-running his columns, and Mykel Tabb seems to be a natural writer, he relies too Africa at the time when apartheid ended and Board started sending his columns out in email much on being a natural. For some writers, Mandela was elected president. The principle updates, and MRR became useless to me. Still, sounding natural is an agonizingly slow process. characters in the novel are two cousins, Chanda I’d check out the occasional issue, just to see It requires writing and re-writing and struggling and Bornwell. They’re both young, Black men what Tabb was writing about. It seemed like with phrases to make them sound effortless. from the Soweto ghetto. Bornwell has tried to every time I looked at his column, it was either With Tabb, he seems to just type it out and not escape the ghetto and politics completely by something I’d read before or something about worry about it. This is fine for a column, but in becoming a game ranger in the northern part of his cute little lapdog. Either way, it would bum a book, it makes for some uneven reading. The South Africa. Chanda has tried to escape by sit- me out. For the first few years I read Tabb, I tone fluctuates, he repeats himself, and his ting on a barstool in Soweto. As the political cli- really wanted to have all of his columns in one cheap jokes stick out like shit in a punch bowl. mate heats up, both cousins are drawn into the collection. After seeing that he ran the same col- Soft Skull sent us an uncorrected proof reader’s dangers and politics surrounding them. Adding umn sometimes three times in MRR, my desire copy to review, and, since I’ve edited books, this to the difficulty of the situation are David for a Tabb book waned. copy let me see deeper into Tabb’s process than Themba (a volatile revolutionary) and Alex Still, when I saw this book in the review a reviewer should. I could tell just by the simple Stanzis (a White American lost in Soweto). I pile, I snatched it up, because all criticism aside, typing mistakes that Tabb makes that he obvi- don’t want to give away too much about the Tabb’s still funny as hell and a great storyteller. ously doesn’t revise at all. His stories all look story, but the four characters becoming wrapped Reading Playing Right Field is an interesting and read like first drafts. It adds a certain raw- up in each other’s lives, and trouble ensues. experience. Even though some of the stories in ness to the book. It also disappoints me, because Bryant does a good job of keeping the novel this book ran as columns, they’re in a different Tabb is a good writer. With more thought, care, tense. The characters of Chanda and Bornwell context here. The stories can build on them- and revision, he could be a great writer. If he’d are so likeable and so real that you really come selves, and you can see a more complete picture taken the time to read through these stories, to to care about them, and David will really sur- of a young George Tabb. All the stories deal think of them as a collection, and to tighten them prise you in the end. Reading Season of Ash is with his childhood in Greenwich, Connecticut, up, this would’ve been one of those classic kinda like going to Busch Gardens when you’re where he had to deal with being in the only books that I pushed on all my friends. Instead, a little kid: you get to go on a vicarious African Jewish family in a very anti-Semitic communi- it’s just a good read. –Sean safari and ride a roller coaster and try to make ty. Tabb and his brothers were constantly in (Soft Skull, www.softskull.com) sense of it all as you clunk your way up to the fights (and usually losing) and picked on for top of the coaster, then fly off into a wild being Jewish. To top it off, they had an abusive Season of Ash ride. –Sean (Emporer’s New Clothes, father and stepmother at home. This collection By Justin Bryant, 212 pgs. www.encpress.com) of stories does a good job of showing the com- In George Orwell’s essay “Shooting an 111 plexities of growing up ostra- Elephant,” Orwell says, “a story always sounds