Hypothetical Comedy Writing Packet: “Comedy Bang! Bang! Season Six”
Total Page:16
File Type:pdf, Size:1020Kb
Hypothetical Comedy Writing Packet: “Comedy Bang! Bang! Season Six” Written by: Chris M. Todd Outline of writing packet submission • Celebrity Introductions • Episode Premises • “Pre-taped” Sketch Celebrity Introductions Melissa Fumero (Brooklyn Nine-Nine): Her first name is Melissa and her last name sounds like an upscale vaping brand. Please welcome, Melissa Fumero. Tatiana Maslany (Orphan Black): You might know our next guest from Orphan Black or from me having trouble pronouncing her name in one second. It’s Tatiana Mez-lane-ee. Conan O’Brien (Conan): If you’re on our first guest’s team, you share a name with a certain puffed cereal the kids go cuckoo for. It’s Conan O’Brien. Hannibal Buress (The Eric Andre Show): You may have seen our first guest as an actor on TV, a comedian on stage, or as a baby growing up in Chicago in the 80s. Please welcome, Hannibal Buress. JK Simmons (Yellow M&M): Our first guest needs no introduction, but he really wants one, and I’m hoping this qualifies. --Scott looks over and sees JK Simmons peek out from behind the wall to give a thumbs-up. Great! Please welcome, JK Simmons. Brad Pitt (Friend of George Clooney): Our first guest famously started his career in Thelma & Louise and is ending his career on Comedy Bang! Bang! It’s Brad Pitt. Episode Premises - Scott finds a penny on the ground, but ignores it due to his vast wealth (according to comediannetworth.com). Al decides to pick it up and has increasing luck as Scott struggles through a very unlucky episode. AL Hey, a penny. I needed something to smash on the railroad tracks later! - Al and Prop Master Diana decide to have a child together, while keeping their relationship platonic. Scott discovers a tax loophole where the more children he adopts, the bigger his government check. It all leads up to a long speech (Scott’s favorite activity) on parenting and government handouts. SCOTT (irritated) What are you two blabbering about over there? AL We're having a baby! SCOTT You and Prop Master Diana? I’ve heard of friends with benefits, but friends with kids?! Al is looking at Diana with animated hearts around his head. PROP MASTER DIANA Yep. And we’re keeping our relationship completely platonic. The hearts fade away. AL Yeah, platonic. SCOTT Ok. We'll check back with you around Act II. - The crew wants to get Scott a present for being such a great boss, but he can order everything he wants from his Rainforest Alexis (Amazon’s Alexa). His Alexis turns sentient, trying to ruin the show and the crew saves Scott’s life. It was the present he was hoping for all along. JANIE We could get Scott a gift card. He loves gift cards. SCOTT Alexis, order me three of your finest gift cards. Mail Man Manny (our favorite male mail man) immediately delivers the gift cards. Scott is giddy with delight. - Scott accidentally tells the crew to prepare for the wrong episode. The cue cards are written for a future guest. While he tries his best to make the questions and pre-planned bits fit to the current guest, Al is interviewing for a new position, assuming he’ll be replaced just like all the other bandleaders before him. SCOTT So I read that you’re originally from Canada? DON CHEADLE I’m from Kansas City. SCOTT Ah, yes. The Kansas City Chefs. DON CHEADLE They’re the Chiefs. SCOTT Al, help me out here. AL I think Emeril might be from Kansas City. “Pre-taped” Sketch Scott’s new spy movie: INT. GOVERNMENT BUILDING LOBBY SCOTT enters an expansive lobby with a huge government seal on the wall reading "Middle Knowledge Bureau." He walks up to the security desk. SCOTT I'm here for my first day. SECURITY OFFICER Your first day doing what? SCOTT (dramatic) If I told you, I'd have to kill you. SECURITY OFFICER Of course, come with me. CUT TO: INT. TRAINING ROOM Eight new recruits sit at desks including Scott. A chalkboard just says, "classified." INSTRUCTOR So, who can tell me what we covered today? Silence INSTRUCTOR Come on. Don't make me randomly call on someone. SCOTT If we told you...we'd have to kill you? INSTRUCTOR Very good. He stamps a big A+ on the paper on Scott's desk. CUT TO: INT. CAFETERIA A silent cafeteria is filled with spies. Scott is in line ready for his food. SERVER What can I get you? SCOTT If I told you, I'd have to kill you. SERVER It's fine. You can talk to order your food. SCOTT (whispers) I'll take some mashed potatoes. The server scoops some mashed potatoes on Scott's plate. Scott immediately cuts his throat. Blood splatters all over Scott's clothes and food. He sits down calmly to eat. EXT. SCOTT’S FRONT YARD Scott's in his robe. He picks up his newspaper from the ground as his neighbor PHIL waves. (V.O.) In an agency built on secrecy... PHIL Good morning! How are you? (V.O.) One man is brave enough to speak up. Builds up the courage to speak. SCOTT I'm doing great. He pulls out a silenced gun and shoots his neighbor. He smiles to the camera. INT. LIBRARY Scott plops down a book on the counter in front of the LIBRARIAN. (V.O.) And no one will ever silence him again. SCOTT I'm returning this book. LIBRARIAN Ok. He sneaks behind the librarian. SCOTT And I only read half. He snaps her neck. (V.O.) This Halloween, see Scott Aukerman in... Title card is in bad horror font:'Telling Tales Out of School' (V.O.) Telling Tales Out Of School .