A Eugene Classic v o l u m e I, n u m b e r 6

June 16, 2010 Newly imprinted and enlarged to almoſt as much againe Wednesdays fortnightly The Dropoutas it was, according to the true and perfect Coppie. X FREE

THE Tragicall Hiſtorie of HAMLET,Prince of Denmarke. " O, from this time forth, My thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth! "

IN THIS EDITION: BIG FOOT SYMPOSIUM PG. 6 ALTERNATIVE SPORTS PG. 8 BACH REMIX PG. 13 HOW TO HIDE A DRUG ADDICTION PG. 14 GUEST COMMENTARY 3 NEWS 4 COOLIGAN 5 FILM 7 FEATURE 8 MUSIC 11 CALENDAR 12 FICTION 14 HOW-TO 14 CROSSWORD 15 HOROSCOPES/ADVICE 15

Yeah, our website needs some work. www.dropouteugene.com facebook.com/thedropout

photo(s) of the hour by Steven Weeks

THE NAG the people all around you? Nobody panic. We are not here to hurt Ok. Enough politics. All we all really want anyone, but do not interfere. We are the Edi- is happiness. The question is, how do we get torial Liberation Front, and we are here to there from here? How do we escape the dun- make journalism a threat again. Inspired by geon of modern society that requires obedi- the anarchists in Greece who staged an oc- ence in exchange for survival? That is a ques- “Making poor decisions and loving it since 2010” cupation of a national tv station during a live tion we all need to answer for ourselves. For EUGENE, OREGON June 16, 2010 volume I, number 6 feed to encourage everyone to join in the re- the Editorial Liberation Front, we found joy in sistance in the streets, and in solidarity with taking over the Nag for a moment. What will the uncontrollable anarchists in Portland and you do? everywhere else, we have wrestled the controls of The Dropout editorial space known as “The —The Editorial Liberation Front Nag” away from Bronwynn to deliver to you this crucial message: We want everything. For free. And now. And we want you to join us. Spread the word, and help others dropout. And DROPOUT CREW SUBMIT [email protected] It is not acceptable to continue the com- be sure to keep up with the cyberdelic countercul- ADVERTISING [email protected] plicity with the system of domination that ex- ture at www.dropouteugene.com Publisher Robert Patterson LETTERS [email protected] If you don’t like what you see, we suggest one EDITORIAL EDITOR [email protected] ploits the entire world to serve a few who live of the following options: Editor Bronwynn Manaois NEWSROOM [email protected] in luxury on the backs of everyone else and 1. Keep it handy in your messenger bag for MUSIC [email protected] Music River Donaghey consume the very vitality of the living earth, when you need to wrap the pint glass liberated ARTS [email protected] Beer JD Ellison leaving desolation in place of vibrant living from your favorite watering hole. Contributors Sean Äaberg, Devika Bakshi, Sarah FOOD/DRINK [email protected] 2. Start stocking up on homemade fireworks. Daegling, Jeff Deane Jr., Nigel Dumas, Megan Hinkel, BEER [email protected] landscape, and slavery and sweatshops in place Chad Huniu, Nicholas Johnson, Kelley Jordan, Dylan Skye SCREENS [email protected] of healthy loving communities. What good is a The paper, a little gun powder, some fuses… CALENDAR Kennedy, Josiah Mankofsky, Collin Parliman, Kimbirlee [email protected] job or career if you live in a mental prison, on 3. Write a letter to the editor at: Sage, Mark Sullivan, Joel de Vyldere, Dylan Wilks, The content of this issue ©2010 by Clark Street Media, and may [email protected] Dante Zúñiga-West not be reprinted in part or in whole without the express written a dying planet? consent of the publisher. ART & DESIGN Look at it this way. Now that you have Art Director Steven Weeks The Dropout is designed and published in the historic Whiteaker graduated, what are you going to do? Join the Photo Editor Tim Sullivan District, Eugene, Oregon. The Dropout is available free of charge in Eugene, limited to one copy per reader. The Dropout may only be ranks of zombies toiling away performing un- Designers Kyle Martin distributed by the Dropout’s authorized distributors. Photographers & Illustrators necessary obligatory tasks merely to work off Giulia D’Agostino, Erik de Buhr, Simone Grover, Nicholas The Dropout is available by mail in the U.S., Mexico and Canada the debt incurred through the racket known as Johnson, Gabrielle Lent, Christina Saavedra, Evans C. for $65 dollars/year. Subject to availability, back issues can be purchased for $5. Send your request for subscription or specific “higher education?” Or if you haven’t yet grad- Smith, Josh White issue date and include a check or money order payable to “The Dropout” to Subscriptions, PO Box 11535, Eugene, OR 97440. uated, then why dig yourself deeper into the ADVERTISING hole that you have started? Start living now! Sales & Marketing Director This newspaper is set in the type families of Arno Pro and Franklin Gothic. Robert Patterson Headlines and subheadlines are set in League Gothic and Raleway, respectively, Put your skills to use for the greater good, open source fonts courtesy of The League of Moveable Type. Account Executive Printed by Western Oregon Web Press, Albany, OR learn new skills that will help you and those Jeremiah Vosler around you. Why force yourself to study the THE DROPOUT ON THE COVER skills that your oppressors want you to use to PO BOX 11535 Steven Weeks serve them, at the expense of your community, EUGENE, OREGON 97440 (541) 686-3175 "I wanna talk to Hamlet" www.dropouteugene.com just because.

2 THE DROPOUT • JUNE 16, 2010 • DROPOUTEUGENE.COM GUEST COMMENTARY LETTERS TO THE EDITOR PO Box 11535, Eugene, OR 97440 [email protected] WILSON FOR GOVERNOR bad advice by Ian Geronimo After worrying incessantly about our- col lapsing currency and other such problems, I The gubernatorial race in Oregon promises decided to take Reverend Cooligan's advice. I to be just a little more interesting because of went out and had a good time over the week- the candidacy of Jerry Wilson. The founder end. I really supported your advertisers, and of Soloflex and longtime political activist de- eventually spent all my money. Now what? I cided back in October that he had thrown his haven't paid the rent yet this month. What do support behind enough candidates over the I do now? years-- now it's his turn. Wilson made news Jim Showker over the decades as one of Oregon's high-pro- EDITOR: Jim, as it turns out, the papers make a nice shel- file, eccentric business personalities, fighting ter.And hats. Good thing it's warm now. Keep on readin' on the losing end of battles to legalize marijua- na and to shut down the Trojan nuclear power MORE BAD ADVICE plant in Rainer. He has emerged once again, Re: the "Sage Advice" column with the this time as an online presence, to promote his "morning noon and night pot smoker" rela- ideas about where we're at, where we're head- tionship issues. Oh, where to begin with the ed, and where the closest gravel emergency potential damages done by your "advice"! First escape ramp is. and foremost, if I were a morning noon and Wilson's blog, VivalaRevolucion.com, is night drinker, I would be an alcoholic. If I were a pretty colorful display of where this guy is looking at porn and masturbating morning coming from as a citizen and as a candidate, noon and night, I would be a sexaholic. Why featuring his recently-completed 129 page is it that you failed to recognize the writer for autobiography that documents, among other what he is: an addict. I don't care what it is debaucherous exploits, his days as a weed (pot, booze, sex, comic books or weightlift- smuggler. In the introductory chapter, Wil- ing ad infinitum) if it occupies the majority of son gets arrested with 17,000 pounds in New your time/thought process and is detrimental Mexico but gets off scot-free because of police to your personal relationships/growth, then it misconduct in the case. Also posted on the qualifies as an addiction! Spending ones entire blog is a video of Wilson flying what appears life in a drug haze IS AN ADDICTION! Fur- to be an open-air, make-shift helicopter over thermore, way to do a disservice to children by rural Hillsboro, swooping over the ranch style not even addressing the impact of a house of neighborhoods and Autumn trees holding a pot smoke on a childs lungs (or any smoke, for camcorder; all that's missing is a sound system that matter). All you apparently care about is blasting “Flight of the Valkries.” "the stink factor". As a member of the medical Wilson's political platform makes for some community, your suggestion to the writer to interesting coffee shop talk. He calls for the get a medical marijuana card is an affront to pardon of all criminals incarcerated for a “vic- those who need medical marijuana for their timless crime,” the revival of public shaming underlying illnesses/conditions. Why the fuck as a criminal justice model, and a ban of sale should Stoney McShitforbrains get a prescrip- on high fructose corn syrup and genetically tion for pot just so he can get high? Would you modified foods in the state. The creative use recommend the same for someone who was of shame in law enforcement recalls the tactics taking Percocet or Oxycontin? As long as as- of the wildly popular former mayor of Bogota, sholes like you advocate for other assholes to Antanas Mockus, who is currently running for lie to get pot prescriptions, the Medical Mari- president, and who hired 420 mimes to hit the jerry wilson running as the Progressive party candidate in November's general election juana community is going to suffer in the court streets of the capital and make fun of traffic of- of public opinion. fenders because he believed Colombians were I realize your advice "should be taken with more afraid of being ridiculed than fined. The and raise the minimum wage accordingly, I'm His Political Affiliation: a grain of salt..."; I would recommend if it be creativity is what really sets apart the far-left all for it.” “I'm really across the whole spectrum—I taken, then take it with a cup of Hemlock. third party candidate from the major party am a Socialist, but I'm a Capitalist too, obvi- S.L. Brandt horses, and Wilson credits himself with the Higher Education: ously, and I'm a Libertarian… and I can be a imagination to coax out revolutionary change “I'm really pissed off at the universities … conservative fiscally sometimes. I certainly MORE BAD ADVICE in Oregon. this country has been led by graduates of Ivy don't fit into anybody's categories. I don't “How to survive a drunken street brawl” Here's Jerry Wilson on some of the big top- League colleges, supposedly the best colleges think its right to put anybody in a category. (6/2) had a lot of good advice, there’s a few ics you may or may not hear more about as the in the world, and look where they've led us. You just gotta look at what they do.” other things it could’ve mentioned: election season heats up: Those guys couldn't run a fucking lemonade —If you’re gonna strike first, you better have stand … you can quote me on that.” National Denial: witnesses. (non-hostile witnesses that is). Self- National Debt: “People overlook the meaning of the sim- defense is an affirmative defense; you have to “This is hardly the time and place in world Peak Oil and Energy: plest parables in life, until they've actually prove it, and you have to prove any reasonable history to have your head in the sand. The “I was talking about this in 1992! We're experienced it. You hear these things with this person would have done the same. Also that hyper inflation of our dollar is gonna cause running out of oil. We could build a hydrogen vague understanding that it happened once you did everything you could to avoid it. big problems. We've committed ourselves to economy today if we wanted to. Oil is a finite upon a time in some place, but you can't re- —The Measure 11 factor. If the cops and paying off 51 trillion dollars. We're spending resource. Uranium is a finite resource. Hydro- ally get your head around it until you've had the DA believe you, they’ll just send you on money like a wastrel. Nobody has control of gen is a perpetual resource.” it happen to you. That's why you can't hide in your way. If they don’t like your face, they may it… Countries have been doing this ever since the back of the ship. That's why you gotta get throw Assault 2 at you, mandatory 5 years if it paper money was invented. Voltaire was bitch- John Kitzhaber: to the front of the ship. You gotta get to the sticks. The D.A. is paid to make prisoners, not ing about it.” “Well I like John fine, I think he's a real nice front of the ship and steer it. I believe I can do to care about the truth. Using your knuckles is guy. He hasn't really said what he's gonna do. that better than any of the other candidates a Measure 11 risk. Immigration: He's been around long enough to know not to running for governor.” —The lawsuit factor. Even if Clancy agrees “They're (TV and radio pundits) getting -ev say too much. He's playing it safe.” it was mutual combat and lets you off without erybody all stirred up about illegal immigrants even a drunk & disorderly, you might be stuck when they should be worried about our finan- Chris Dudley: with medical bills if you cause any damage. It’s cial system.” “I don't think he's come up with any plat- Ian Geronimo is a Eugene newcomer. He attends less risky if you don’t use your fists. form. These two guys are running for cheer- UO where is a part-time journalism major and —The weapon factor. Your opponent might Unemployment: leaders more than anything else. Nothing is full-time gadabout. He can be reached at ian@ be carrying a knife, if so the only sane choice “What work we have left, we should share gonna change with either one of them.” dropouteugene.com is to evade. it. If we have to cut the work week to 25 hours Kozz Johnson

DROPOUTEUGENE.COM • JUNE 16, 2010 • THE DROPOUT 3 EVERY OTHER WEDNESDAY FUTuRE ISM with Sean Äaberg NEWS BRIEFS THURSDAY JUNE 3 The reign of The Kid is over, as the era of what could have been in baseball comes to an end with the retirement of future Hall of Famer Ken Griffey, Jr. There’s no joke here, just dismay. The Drop- out would like to wish Griffey the best in his future endeavors, a big hearty thanks for the memo- ries, and to remind Barry Bonds that he’s still a juiced up prick. FRIDAY JUNE 4 The Oregon Board of Higher Education approved yet another multi-million dollar gift from Rich Uncle Pennybags, known otherwise as Mr. Nike, Phil Knight. The secretive project includes new buildings, playing fields, and parking lots surrounding Autzen Stadium. While the final price tag will remain unknown, The Dropout has learned that the project includes a $1 million grant to the Eugene Police Department, awarded on the condition that officers refrain from arresting any -ad ditional Ducks athletes. SATURDAY JUNE 5 Famous asshole Rush Limbaugh married his fourth wife today, and the festivi- ties featured an appearance by famous gay man Elton John. Rush, who once said that “when a gay person turns his back, it’s not an insult; it’s an invitation,” extended his own invitation to the pop singer, who was fabulously com- pensated when Limbaugh shoved a fat wad of $1 million into Sir Elton’s back pocket. SUNDAY JUNE 6 A fetish porn actor, the target of a three day manhunt after attacking and killing a fellow pencil pusher with a prop sword, died after falling from a cliff following an hours-long, sword swinging standoff with police.The Dropout tried to write a joke about this story, but gave up after real- izing that it would be impossible to come up with something more ridiculous than a fetish porn actor, who was the target of a three day manhunt after attacking and killing a fellow pencil pusher with a prop sword and who died after falling from a cliff following an hours-long, sword swinging standoff with police.

MONDAY JUNE 7 n your momma & outer space. I was listen- Shirkers! Anyhow, space is the place. We're already Minneapolis songwriter extraordinaire Prince celebrates his 52nd birthday today, immediately se- ing to this talk by academic David Suzuki a on a big space ship we don't have any control over, curing the cognomen The Artist Formally Known as 51 Years Old. O couple of days ago, he was speaking about seems like we should build some big space ships how indigenous wisdom could be corroborated by & set sail on the wings of destiny! I'm particularly TUESDAY JUNE 8 hard science. The target audience wasn't the gen- excited about the amazing mutations pop culture Oregon Ducks quarterback Jeremiah Masioli, already suspended for the 2010 season, was kicked eral public, it was college students & then whoever will go through in outer space. Who will be the first off the football team following another arrest, this time for marijuana possession and numerous happened to be listening to the radio show "Against Andy Warhol of outer space? Kids who have been traffic violations. While we here at The Dropout would hate to kick a man while he’s down, we the Grain" (intellectual socialists). Anyhow, the raised since day one in giant space hulks, cruising wanted to remind Jeremiah that unless the cops let him keep that bag he was picking up for us, presentation was mind-blowingly flaky with all of throughout the universe will have almost exclusive- dude, we want our $20 back. these spiritual notions about the sacred elements & ly human-created reference points, outside of the how it could all be proven by science, but what I big, black, star-studded space surrounding them. heard more of was a desire for some kind of dumb Back to your momma. Unlike most people, I be- WEDNESDAY JUNE 9 as rocks simple approach to the view of humanity lieve that you should do whatever you want as long Former president and lifelong fuck-up George W. Bush glibly on earth. Escape from the complexity of the human as you stay out of my way. Sure it's frustrating to admits torturing alleged 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mo- condition. I was reminded of that movie What the see hot college girls walking around in baggy sweat hammed during a keynote speech before the Economic Club of Bleep Do We Know?, which encourages a similarly pants, flip flops & hoodies, emaciated meth- crea Grand Rapids. “Yeah, we water-boarded him,” said Bush, appar- flaky & stupid world view. When people start talk- tures skulking around, people going grocery shop- ently oblivious to the fact that the US prosecuted Japanese sol- ing that way, they often invoke the Mother Earth, ping in their house clothes, hippies, nerdy little Ve- diers for doing the same thing during World War II. & because they define the relationship that way, I rizon guys with mohawks, college educated cream started thinking about other ways the metaphor of the crop embracing Communism & people with could be extrapolated. We all love our mothers, sure, a million bumper stickers telling me how to live my THURSDAY JUNE 10 we have to right? It's taboo to do otherwise, espe- life, but that's their deal. It's when they try to stop BP professes confusion today as to their recent loss in stock value, cially to criticize momma to her face. Just thinking me & everyone else from conducting the human while simultaneously BP's Chief Operating Officer Doug Suttles about it makes me feel like I'm about to get slapped. experiment & spread poisonous philosophies that denies the existence of plumes of oil floating underwater in the Mother wants to take care of you, make sure you discourage people from participating in the gran- Gulf of Mexico. He added that BP denies responsibility, associa- don't get into trouble. Stop building all of those deur of humanity that I lose it. So, if you want to tion, familiarity, or existence of any 'oil spill' and is bewildered fancy contraptions, stop consuming, stop thinking recreate that mural by Kari Johnson where naked that people aren't focusing their attention to their new campaign bad thoughts, momma is going to take care of you. people are sitting around playing cat's cradle with called "Sharing Our Nations Oil: How Wildlife Can Benefit." If only we weren't so bad, momma wouldn't worry. their mastectomies & their tree stumps in harmony If you don't stop being bad, momma might have with mother earth, go for it, but you're still living FRIDAY JUNE 11 to drown you! We all know people who live with with your momma, with your momma's rules & Sixteen-year-old Abby Sunderland, attempting to become the youngest person to sail around the their mommas too long right? I was getting worried there's a big world out there just waiting for us. about myself there for a bit, as I left & returned to world, was found safe today after being stranded on the high seas for 3 days. When rescuers asked the nest a few times too many, hating myself all the Recommended Media: The comics & related why she had been drifting and had activated her emergency beacons, Sunderland told them that way. There is a big world out there to explore! You works of Leiji Matsumoto (Captain Harlock, Star she had become lost, and there was no gas station in sight to stop at and ask for directions. gotta get your act together & go make yourself in Blazers/Yamato, Galaxy Express 999) are very the world! Humanity on earth is no different. Plan- inspiring & touching expressions of humanity SATURDAY JUNE 12 et earth, Mother earth is holding us back. The true exploring space. This column should be accompa- The United States football team battled its way to a draw with mighty England in their opening expression of humanity will be in outer space, be- nied by Led Zeppelin's "Immigrant Song" & Deep match of the 2010 World Cup, prompting millions of Brits to curse, riot, and beat their spouses. ing carried in mothers of our own making. There's a Purple's "Space Trucking." Back across the pond, however, millions of Americans wondered aloud that they were pretty sure lot of talk out there about humanity being a cancer, football season didn’t start until early September, late August tops. humanity being a virus, the earth just giving us our Question: Does John Zerzan still live with his due & wiping us out. People seem to have a hard momma? time identifying mental illness when they see it, but SUNDAY JUNE 13 that is mental illness, at best it's just shirking your The US announced that it has identified almost $1 trillion in previously unknown mineral wealth duties. "Instead of washing the dishes, I'll just break Sean Äaberg is half-artist, half King-Kong & a back- in Afghanistan that could make the war-torn nation one of the world's most valuable mining cen- all of them!" or better, "One day, this sink will kill us alley Walt Disney living in the Whiteaker. His website ters. Hm, what's that noise? Oh, it's just BP and Halliburton jizzing in their pants. all for having made so many dirty dishes." Traitors! is www.goblinko.com

4 THE DROPOUT • JUNE 16, 2010 • DROPOUTEUGENE.COM A SPECIAL MESSAGE FROM OUR PUBLISHER

DEAR EUGENE,

'm writing to you this week not from my normal perch at Dropout World Headquarters, but rather from the dusty plains of north- ern Mexico. I've come here in an attempt to find the sacred and L. Marshall Cooligan Ienlightening hallucinogenic fava bean, el frijole de pedo. My journey's first few days were marked with trepidation and danger as I searched in vain for the elusive bean, equipped with little more than a thermos full of Sparks and an iPod of doom metal b-sides. However, Eugene, on the fifth dawn I came upon a low and muddy area from which the bean grew in such great quantity that my pockets were soon full and I was soon happily munching. Since I found them I've been tripping my balls off. The carpet of perception has been pealed back to reveal the true floorboards of reality. It seems that my ordinary life has been a sham, a fraud perpetrated by the crude social conditioning burdened upon me since my childhood. Oh, Eugene, what ecstasy to have the glove compartment of truth finally opened! Although, it has also come with great fear. The local shamans who have been consult- ing with me during my trip have warned that for a successful and respected newspaper publisher such as myself to have such an awakening this late in life could be quite danger- ous indeed, and even Jerry, my informative and divine spirit guide who takes the form of a dreadlocked alpaca, has cautioned me against continuing to eat the magical bean. But no one—not Jerry, not the shamans—will keep me from my new mission: to spread the doctrine of psychedelic enlightenment to the masses. I'll be returning to our peaceful valley soon, and I plan to synthesize and distribute the bean's chief psychoactive ingredient. But don't worry, Eugene, even though my new pas- sions lie in psychonautics and mysteries that are yet to be revealed, I still pledge to publish the best damn newspaper in Eugene or my name isn't Cooligan!

Rev. Dr. L. Marshall Cooligan

DROPOUTEUGENE.COM • JUNE 16, 2010 • THE DROPOUT 5 OREGON SASQUATCH SYMPOSIUM June 19-20, 2010 Lane Community College oregonsasquatchsymposium.webs.com

findings from his study of these recordings, in which he discerned the presence of a complex, non-human language. Science has dismissed or ignored most Sas- quatch-related data, or, as with the infamous Patterson-Gimlin film, those involved have re- vealed it as a hoax. But reports continue to roll in, and there are many more questions than answers. In Eugene, I’ve personally observed a miniature-legged Santa Claus look--alike in army fatigues blazing down the sidewalk in a wheelchair; a middle-aged gentleman in ass

OREGON SASQUATCH SYMPOSIUM shorts struggling to rollerblade while carting a Weiner dog in a child carrier on his back; a grown man of about three-feet-tall rocketing along on wheeled skis, using poles for added Oregon and The Beast propulsion; and, on multiple occasions, san- It does exist—the Oregon Sasquatch Symposium daled individuals with hair sprouting from places it shouldn’t—and their gait, obscured by Dylan Wilks like creatures peering out from Bohemia cave. though it was behind tie-dyed garments, had More recently, vocalizations describable only the suggestion of something primitive, of a earded men in waffle stompers and car- as barbaric, mid-coital death-whoops, have wildness just below the surface. go pants are loading high-tech camera become commonplace throughout the Or- And I’m averting my eyes, circumventing B equipment into duffle bags. Makeup- egon wilderness. Anomalous animal odors the Middle-earth miscreant birthing lair that less women with dangly Native American- and heavy primate breathing are also routinely is the downtown LTD station. I’m practicing inspired earrings are packing rune stones and reported. Encounters may vary, but one fact a kind of anti-bum yoga while stopped at in- crystals into small leather pouches. The first remains: Sasquatch is somehow at the center tersections next to yellow-toothed hobos and annual Oregon Sasquatch Symposium (OSS), of it all. their cardboard misfortunes. But if I falter and June 19th and 20th at Lane County Commu- Upwards of 1,200 sightings have been re- sneak a peak—even for an instant—it gives nity College, is upon us. ported in Oregon alone. However, experts be- me cause to wonder: Where does it end? The trail is fresh, littered with disembow- lieve many witnesses have yet to come forward Is it so implausible that hitherto unknown eled fauna and footprints too large to be hu- with what they deem traumatic, conscious- human offshoots are thriving within the ever- man. The air holds the promise of The Beast, ness-altering experiences. The OSS will offer green anonymity? These are not the progeny his virile musk clinging to the nostrils like the a safe forum to exchange information, and of disgruntled ex-ABA centers turned wild stink of a predator you want to catch you. The hopefully, open channels communication be- men. These are not the diasproric remnants hunt is on… tween believers and non-believers alike. of alopecia research gone horribly wrong. It all began five years ago, when OSS -or Notable guest speakers include filmmaker/ Though intellectually inferior, if Sasquatch ganizer and Eugene native, Toby Johnson, researcher Autumn Williams, author/anthro- had just marginally enhanced senses, he discovered an unusual track while hiking Bo- pologist Dr. Jeff Meldrum, and Marine-turned- would clearly have the drop on us. Think of a hemia Mountain in Cottage Grove. Curiosity nurse Jaime Avalos, who adapted his military blind person’s heightened ability to hear, add piqued, he then found freshly picked grass and tracking expertise to the pursuit of Sasquatch. a shit-ton of testosterone and you have some- flowers carefully arranged inside the cave. Was Ron Morehead, whose recordings of inexpli- thing like a Bigfoot. Whatever the explanation, it Bigfoot salad, or merely a makeshift cush- cable animal vocalizations (The Sierra Sounds, I for one can’t imagine the freak show ending ion left by hippies after a naked mountaintop Vol. 1 and 2) offer a fascinating glimpse at a at Eugene’s city limits. So I’ll be in attendance, smoke-out? Johnson suspected the former. creature few believe to exist, will also be speak- watching and listening closely, trying to find In the days of yore, miners reported ape- ing. Crypto-linguist Scott Nelson will share the humanity within The Beast.

6 THE DROPOUT • JUNE 16, 2010 • DROPOUTEUGENE.COM ARTS EIGHT SIMPLE INGREDIENTS FOR AN Call to Artists ENTERTAINING RE-MAKE (PLUS EXPLOSIONS) Object Afterlife Art Challenge

MECCA (Materials Exchange Center for Community Arts) once again presents the Object Af- terlife Art Challenge, a unique opportunity for the arts community. A chance for artists to brave a new approach to their creative process while participating in an awareness raising community event. In an effort to bridge the worlds of fine art and scrap art, we challenge artists to create thought-provoking, intentional works with scrap materials provided by MECCA and BRING. Artists will be given two months to complete their creation. Artwork will be chosen for awards in multiple categories. This challenge encourages artists to work outside their usual mediums or incorporate scrap materials into their art. Based on submitted information, our staff will choose A-TEAM objects for each participant to use in the work created for this challenge. The artist can use all or dir. Joe Carnahan, starring Liam part of the object given and is free to incorporate other materials and mediums as well. Artwork Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Sharlto submitted can be available for purchase during the exhibition. Copley, Quinton Jackson 20th Century Fox, 2010 The artwork created for this event will be on exhibit downtown during the Eugene Celebration, August 27, 28 & 29, and throughout September. Our intention is to connect with and promote by Joel DeVyldere ibly sharp as Lieutenant Charisa Sosa, the officer the local art community, inspire the creative use of scrap materials, raise awareness of our uni- ”It’s so real. Its like the bullets are 3D!” Captain more or less in charge of tracking down the rogue versal need to re-imagine the objects surrounding us, and most of all, to have a fun and creative Murdock shouts ecstatically over the deafening A-teamers. She also doubles as Face’s ex-girlfriend experience! sound of machine gunfire, bullets whizzing past his and current love interest, adding a huge amount of head. At this, several slightly more sane members dramatic intensity to their roles as opposing opera- Entry fee is $15. Applications due June 25, 2010. Materials will be dispersed to artists by the of his special forces sub-unit (an A-team) scream tives. Despite the tension, however, there really isn’t end of June. Final art due to by August 25. Must be display ready. Get your application at www. at the grinning crazy-ass pilot to get his head back anything sexual in this movie. Go Hollywood! materials-exchange.org or pick up at MECCA, 449 Willamette (next to Amtrak) or call 541- inside the freaking Hummer. Quinton “Rampage” Jackson That’s right folks, you’re not gonna be able to WWF competitor Quinton Jackson (B.A. in 302-1810. Email [email protected]. escape it—2010’s A-Team is a neoclassic—a col- the film) can surprisingly do more than just beat lection of incredible performances strung together the shit out of people. Don’t get me wrong—that with an oh-so-Hollywood re-working of a tired old is what he spends the majority of his onscreen time TV-show plot. Director Joe Carnahan is bound and doing, but he’s also very effective at channeling Mr. determined to bring the rag-tag patrol of wrong- T.—the original B.A. He is a great addition to this fully accused ex-Rangers back into the forefront of film. pop culture, and “there is no plan B.” In Jackson’s introductory scene, he is first scene While watching the film, I happened to notice a fleeing from the Mexican police in a sports car. Tak- few of the essential elements that were incorporat- ing quick evasive action, he spins into what looks ed into the plan to “fix it up.” In order to take a show like a covert chop shop, hops out and proceeds to at the cheesiness level of the original A-Team TV se- use his fists to incur damages on everyone inside. ries and bring it squarely into the “Cliché Summer Audiences see freeze frames of his knuckles as he Blockbusters of 2010” category, you need to incor- punches. “P-I-T-Y” is tattooed across one fist and porate a few devices. Most of those “devices” are “F-O-O-L” across the other. Classy. on-screen explosives, but there actually are other el- Sharlto Copley (A Must-Have) ements that make this film exciting. The remaining Perhaps the most vital ingredient of all is the Eight Ingredients for a Successful Modern A-Team comic relief. Sharlto Copley’s Captain Murdock is Re-make are listed as follows: Murdock, a certifiable pilot and maniac. Copley is A Modern Setting coming off a very serious and frightening role as the The first thing you need to do with you’re A- main character in 2009’s Distric 9, and here displays Team re-make is modernize it; get it out of the Viet- remarkable versatility as an actor. His antics as a nam era, and into a contemporary context. This par- semi-crazy M.D.-impersonating pilot had the audi- ticular update sets the boys in Iraq at the announced ence at my showing laughing uproariously. end of the war. On the eve of their departure, they A Hollywood Plot are authorized to try their hand at stealing a storage Hollywood has a fixation with re-making classic container that holds a counterfeit American mint, TV shows and movies for good reasons. A studio is along with more than a billion dollars US currency almost always making a safer investment when the from Iraqi insurgents. throw down a few mil so the masses can see Bradley After completing the mission, the boys realize Cooper re-interpret Dirk Benedict’s “Face” charac- that they’ve been set up, as the plates from the mint ter and WWF’s Quinton Jackson pay tribute to Mr. go missing. They are court-marshaled, stripped of T. Classic plots have a bigger draw than original ma- their ranks, and each sent individually to prisons terial does, and everyone in the business knows it. to pay for what they haven’t done. This was a pretty A Couple Clever Sequences nice chronological adaptation if you ask me. That being said, however, this film wasn’t all Liam Neeson blockbuster bells and whistles. There were intel- Next up, you’re going to want Liam Neeson. ligent pieces to A-Team some if which looked like Fresh off roles as a vindictive father on a shoot ‘em they might have been adopted from the Ocean’s AD SPACE FOR SALE! up rampage (Taken) and a fierce yet gentle lion in trilogy. A-Team won’t keep you thinking the whole a magical wardrobe (The Chronicles of Narnia), the time, but there is definitely a little bit of moral di- middle aged Neeson seems determined to further lemma and incidental plot-twist to chew on from CHEAP RATES prove his versatility as an actor. time to time. Neeson plays Hannibal Smith, the brain trust Also, speaking of incidental cleverness, no [email protected] (541) 686-3175 behind the A-Team’s complex and crazy antics, with late-model re-hash of a classic eighties TV show conviction and determination. His version of Smith is ever really complete without an extended scene is both convincing and exciting “I love it when a in which the main characters try to fly a tank using plan comes together,” he enunciates. parachutes and the kick from the cannon to steer. Bradley Cooper I’m just sayin’. Lt. Templeton “Face” Peck is depicted expertly Should you go see the new A-Team this week- by Bradley Cooper. Always a ladies’ man, Face uses end? Well, that really depends on what you’re look- his flirtatious nature to procure a video camera and ing for. The film is definitely not groundbreaking security passes from an infatuated journalist early or even artistic, but it is super entertaining. For a on in the movie. The rest of the time, however, he healthy dose of social commentary with deep char- pretty much focuses all his romantic efforts on his acters and a take-home message, go read a book. ex-girlfriend and political arch-enemy Lieutenant But if all you’re looking for is a blockbuster Sosa (see below). quality epic with fancy explosions, quasi-relevant Jessica Biel and Her Sex Appeal dialogue and some riotously funny situation jokes, At this point in the recipe you’re going to want no one else can help, and you can find them, maybe to mix in a liberal dose of Jessica Biel. Biel is incred- you should watch The A-Team.

DROPOUTEUGENE.COM • JUNE 16, 2010 • THE DROPOUT 7 LET'S G shall we? O SPORT ING!

ROLLER DERBY Derby dames Rolling and fighting their way for the championship by Bronwynn Manaois enhancing shirt, she skates around flicking her ruler, providing any god-fearing Catholic ith enough fishnet to (wo)man an school girl (like myself) a flashback to having Alaskan fishing vessel and shorts so her knuckles rapped for any manner of Catho- W tiny it looks like they forgot to wear lic infringements. any, the ladies of the Emerald City Roller Girls Although the league has dropped the disco are hot. Then you notice the zombie make-up, ball, the scene is still pretty rock and roll. There the threatening names, and a shiner or two. is loud music, beer in the bleachers, light-up These girls are fierce. Kicking ass while flash- toys, and the pageantry of the derby demo, ing some, the roller girls are serious about where the fresh meat girls demonstrate what their sport, and want spectators to know they not to do during the actual match-up, rolling BRONWYNN MANAOIS are serious athletes. around on the track in ROCK 'N ROLL The Andromedolls pass out dangerous laser guns for the kids The Emerald City simulated brawls. League works hard at be- SEASON CHAMPIONSHIP AJ, aka BoldiKnocks, ing tough. There are man- August 28 from the Flat Track Fu- box for one minute. Each bout goes for 30 but comes with the risk of a couple hundred datory 2-hour practices 3 Lane County Fairgrounds ries insists that although minutes. pounds of fierce skidding at you, not to men- times a week. No practice, the derby is entertain- Before the bout begins, the team skates tion the 16 possible wheels to your face. no bout. The girls also ing, the sport itself is in with their mascots, and the announcer in- The first nail-biting match-up was Church cross-train outside of these practices, with in- real and respectable, “We’re like KISS—we troduces each member to the crowd. Derby of Sk8in versus the Sick Town Derby Dames dividual teams listing their own expectations. understand entertainment value, but we’re names are the skaters’ alter-egos, their ass- from Corvallis. The bout ended up with a Then there are the bout production meetings, serious rock n’rollers.” The league is not to be kicking personas. Each skater must register tie, sending the teams into a “sudden death” fundraising events, and the 24-hour-a-day confused with the Renegades, who advocate their name with a national names registry round of two more minutes. After a recount, duty to sisterhood. gratuitous violence. Sure, ECRG take some to make sure no other derby girl in the US the Church won 111-109. As of now, the Emerald City consists of hard hits, but they are really not out for blood. shares the same name. The skater’s numbers Flat Track Furies and Andromedolls came three home teams, The Andromedolls, the Flat Although, the crowd goes wild when the girls are penned on their arms, and some have even head-to-head in the second bout. Where last Track Furies and The Church of Sk8in. There go down. Reminiscent of a hockey match, the committed them to tattoo. year these teams had a pretty even match-up is also a travel team, The Skatesophrenics, and fans love a good fight. As the refs whistles started the jam at the with the Furies winning the championship, the “fresh meat”, or Bloom and Doom team. In a bout, each team has five skaters on the June 5 Un-civil War bout, the Regional Sports this year the Dolls dominated with a final Each team has an orchestrated image, com- track. The jammer, denoted by a star helmet Arena in Springfield shook with a deafening score of 229-76. plete with “uniforms”, mascots and fan seating cover, is the one that scores points for their roar. The bleachers started swaying, and the Although the crowd usually thins out after at the bouts. Like any other sports, there are team by passing skaters from the other team. excitement was palpable. The crowd was a mix four hours of derby, I stayed until the bitter referees, announcers, team regalia, and per- The jammer is the only member that can “call of tatted hipsters, kids and grandmas wearing end, cheering on my blue be-ribboned friend, haps most important—loyal fans. off” the jam. There are pivots, who control the their favorite team’s shirt. Beer-drinking is a who found something to believe in through My favorite mascot is the skating nun from speed of the “pack”, the ladies that block the popular half-time activity, along with cruising derby and found her strength, on and off the the Church of Sk8in, whose motto is “In quad jammers from getting by and scoring. the merch tables for some saucy spankys. track. We Trust.” The nun scares me and excites me When a skater breaks any of the rules, in- The daring, (and over 18) folks sit in the You can be a believer! Come and see the derby at the same time. With a flash of lacy white cluding no checking, no pulling, no tripping “Crash zone.” This area, directly outside of the dames do their thing at the championships on Au- bloomers under her habit and a cleavage- and no fighting, they are sent to the penalty taped-off bounds provides a skates-eye view, gust 28th at the Lane Event Center.

8 THE DROPOUT • JUNE 16, 2010 • DROPOUTEUGENE.COM SPORTS! TRICYCLE RACES One bourbon, one scotch, one tricycle Adventures at McShane's tricycle races by Mark Sullivan I sized up the competition. The races themselves are staged in multiple heats, three riders at a time hroughout my career as a drinker I have found and separate his and hers categories. The rules are myself in innumerable pubs, bars, cantinas straightforward: three laps around the bar, while T and watering holes. These hands of mine have keeping your feet on the pedals and your elbows tipped back an untold number of pints, bottles and out of your opponent’s ribs. The winner of each tumblers and my liver and kidneys surely deserve heat advances until they run out of people to run some kind of durability award. Yet in every bar over and the champion is awarded with extreme I’ve been to, there always seemed to be something bragging rights and a cool $25 cash prize. missing, a nagging doubt that there was something My name called, I nervously mounted my trike better to be had. No matter how great the booze and waited for the starting gun, which is actually just establishment, how stellar one of the bartenders yelling the jukebox, how cheap the The most fun I’ve had on three wheels since the time “Go!” The wind whipping drinks, there was always with your girlfriend in the back of an ‘86 Camaro, through my hair, my feet a one thought that managed stranded at an I-5 rest stop with a flat tire spinning blur, I suddenly TIM SULLIVAN to escape my lips and cap- knew what it felt like to be ture the essence of the void that seemed a constant Lance Armstrong. That is, until reality set in and go for the gold Travis Becker (left) tries to overtake Mark Sullivan in just one of many epic races in my young life: “You know what this place needs? these cursed long legs of mine proved more of a hin- Tricycles.” drance than an advantage. Race embarrassingly lost, for the trikes, though ideas of outdoor street races fully of course culminating in a small personal for- Enter McShane’s Bar and Grill, host and insti- I nonetheless held my head proud and high in the were hinted at by one of the staff members. Fanta- tune from all the prize money I most surely will win. gator of the most thrilling series of competitive aftermath of a most wondrous experience. sies of local business racing teams were mentioned Who knows, maybe I’ll one day buy the place. But tricycle racing this side of the Mississippi. Every Post-race the staff of McShane’s was gracious, as well; instead of signing up for your company until that future comes to pass, I know where I’ll Tuesday night at 10 pm (sign up is free and starts at or perhaps gullible enough to sit down and talk tri- softball team how about the tricycle team instead? be putting my ass: at McShane’s, upon the seat of a 9), the Ben Hur in all of us is unleashed when that cycles for a few minutes. They told of the humble Regardless of what happens, I am certain that my mighty three wheeled beast, racing forever and on- checkered flag waves wildly through the stale tavern beginnings in the 1970’s, when riders had to drink thus far harmless flirtation with McShane’s will ward towards the bright neon lights of fortune and air, unleashing a frenzy of excitement not seen since a beer on every lap. Sadly, the buzz kills over at the eventually turn into a full blown fraternity, hope- glory. Lance Armstrong, eat your heart out. the days of the Cannonball Baker Sea-To-Shining- OLCC put a stop to that, though there’s nothing in Sea Memorial Trophy Dash. That McShane’s man- the rules that says you can’t bring your own beer ages to artfully combine the freewheeling inno- with you. The current incarnation of the tricycle cence of youthful exuberance with the tee-totaling races have been going on for about five years, when excessiveness of grown-up indulgence is no small then new owner Jackson Hutton (he also of the feat, and this reporter decided, for the sake of jour- downtown Jackalope Lounge) revived the com- nalism of course, to investigate. petition after it spent years languishing as a minor After signing both my name and a waiver, I anx- footnote in local drinking history. iously awaited my shot at three-wheeled glory while There’s no telling what the future holds in store

DROPOUTEUGENE.COM • JUNE 16, 2010 • THE DROPOUT 9 SPORTS! MORE ON PG. 14 BICYCLE POLO tain amount of envy, wishing to find myself on the court and be extended the invitation, urging all of our loyal readers to at constantly weaving, swinging, ducking. The players spanned a least come down and check it out. He stressed that their weekly width of experience, age and background, with the one uniting games are not of the balls to the wall, knock yer ass to the pave- factor being a desire to take a whack at an expropriated field ment variety and that anyone feeling shy or intimidated need ‘3-2-1 Polo!' hockey ball. Some were hooded, some helmeted, some cowboy not worry: this is just about having fun. Whacking balls has never felt so good hatted, but all pedaled furiously for the simple reason that they Before I left, I spoke to a rider by the name of Sam, who were probably having more fun than most people can even han- might be regarded as the main driver of the current bike polo dle in a lifetime, let alone one night under the interstate. scene here in town. Every week for the last few months he’s usu- The origins of bike polo go all the way back to 19th century ally the first one at the park, bringing equipment and setting Ireland, where it was first played on grass fields, with rules more up the court (a giant oval of dumpstered 2x4s). He was there closely aligned with traditional horseback polo. The modern on Thanksgiving, he was there on Christmas Eve, and he’ll be version of the game, typically known as hard court or urban there next week too. Sam’s dedication is admirable and got me bike polo, has only recently begun to assert itself across Ameri- thinking that Eugene is selling him short, letting his efforts go ca and across the world. for naught when what we should be doing is gathering en masse The basic setup is fairly simple: imagine street hockey on a to either join in on the game or cheer on those who do. Bold bicycle. Each team consists of three players and usually the first plans for the future include a possible tournament and hopes team to score five goals wins (though in more competitive play, for a more professional style court, perhaps as a part of the pro- matches can be timed). Goals can only be scored using the head posed skate park. I for one am already practicing some sweet of your mallet. Contact is allowed, though the general rule is balancing tricks and vow to personally swat the ass of every don’t be a dick, or to paraphrase the golden rule, “play others reader who fails to get in on the action (with a rolled up copy of only as hard as they play you”. Anyone guilty of a foul or a foot The Dropout of course). Eugene, we need you to oil those chains, TIM SULLIVAN on the ground must “tap out,” which basically means you have inflate both your tires and your confidence and ride over to the by Mark Sullivan to remove yourself from play until you tap a pre-designated spot park to give bike polo a shot. Or else The Dropout is going to along the court with your mallet. Rules can vary from city to publish those photos from your past that you thought got de- t was a cool, quiet evening in the Whiteaker when they first city and anyone with any kind of bike is welcome to play. stroyed but really that deceitful prick made extra copies and is appeared. Armed with superior balance and homemade That invitation to play extends itself to you, dear reader. I currently shopping them around to all the local news outlets I mallets (basically a DIY, PVC inspired croquet mallet), the found myself thrilled by the skill and clusterfuck of bicycles for five bucks a piece, which they’re really not worth, but The dedicated riders of Eugene’s own bicycle polo scene descended racing around the court but was dismayed by the fact that the Dropout bought a stack anyway, because we’re like that. Just a onto the basketball courts at Washington-Jefferson Park for a matches I witnessed only featured a sum total of six riders. In warning. Now polo! rousing exhibition competition. other words Eugene, it’s time to put your ass in the seat and You can play bicycle polo every Thursday night at 8 pm, on the I watched the game with an unfamiliar fascination and cer- pedal down to Washington-Jefferson Park. One of the riders basketball courts in Washington-Jefferson Park.

The wide world of extreme unicycles One-wheel enthusiasts are doing awfully dangerous things these days rider is always just one mistake away from complete do it?” Well, yes, it is hard. It’s damn hard, but ev- disaster—but that’s what makes it interesting. Fear- eryone can do it. It’s sort of like re-learning how THE PINBALL BOOGIE less of everything except the ubiquitous “where’s to walk. Most people get started when they meet by Dylan Skye Kennedy & Steven Weeks your other wheel?” comments, riders don’t even ac- someone else who rides, often through places like knowledge that crashes happen, instead referring to juggling clubs. These small, fragmented groups ike so many games, pinball is ninety their “superman” dive off of a 4-foot ledge, through come together over the internet at http://www.uni- percent mental. Your head needs to be a bush, and onto a bench as simply an “unplanned cyclist.com where they share tricks, tips, and videos. L in the game, free from distractions and dismount” or “UPD.” Now I’m sure you are asking: “Is there a group worries, to avoid the tragic pitfalls that could Trials unicycling is comprised of a unicyclist in Eugene?” That is a good question, fair reader. I come with every flip. Don't let that ball slip riding a 20” wheel around and over urban obstacles, started the bad habit of hurting myself on one away. Thus, you must be the ball. Only then similar to urban freeride biking, but without the wheel in Iowa about a decade ago, where we had will you control it—but then again, how much front training wheel (I kid of course, bikers are cool a fairly large unicycling club at Iowa State Univer- of our lives can we really control? too). Since this often happens around campus and sity. However, when I moved to Eugene four years Lately I have been on a pinball binge. Dollar in urban areas, this is the version of extreme unicy- ago, I was unable to find a large group in Eugene. bills are flying out of my pocket all over town— cling that most people are first exposed to, but it is Corvallis has a great unicycling club, Portland has mostly Shrek pinball at Pegasus. I go from one not the only version. the Portland Juggling Club and a large muni con- game that gets me on the scoreboard to the People began doing unicycle trials around 1998 tingent known as the Unicycle Bastards, and I’ve next that drains three balls in ninety seconds. on the west coast, and “street”—its flashier, younger found a few scattered riders in Eugene, but no large My performance ebbs and flows like my emo- brother who gets all the babes, showed up around groups. The University of Oregon juggling club has tions or the traffic in the street. Why can't I just 2004. Street and trials are very similar. The goal of unicyclers, of course, but not many of the “extreme” hit the ball, do that thing, get those points, and trials is to get up, over, and back down obstacles. variety. I’ve heard rumors of a Muni club at South kick some ass? It shouldn't be so hard, but, of KAI MARTIN PHOTOGRAPHY Street involves similar goals, but also involves a lot Eugene High School, but have been unable to track course, it is. You win some, and, yes, you lose by Mike Seager more flair and speed, and a slightly different- uni them down. Now it’s my turn to ask: “Eugene, what often. That ball gets kicked and hit, bounced cycle setup. Both of these disciplines are offshoots the hell?” and shaken all over the machine—so many ex- t may look a little silly to the uninitiated: riders of the grandfather of extreme unicycling: mountain Granted, it’s a hard sport to break into. Not ternal forces acting upon one innocent object. perched atop a silly looking contraption, cov- unicycling, or “muni.” many know about it, and the gear is expensive and I gaze into the world reflected in 360 degrees ered in safety gear, and pedaling around hold- Muni has been around since the late 70s, but it hard to find. The first step is, of course, learning upon the shiny surface of the sphere, and I re- I how to ride a unicycle. I used to suggest that inter- ing their crotches. They spy an obstacle and head wasn’t until the late 90s that purpose-built munis alize that I am the ball. towards it (grabbing their crotches even tighter), were available. Strong and fast, munis usually sport ested learners head to the U of O juggling club on I see my life constantly affected by external and then suddenly they’ve jumped down a set of a 24” x 3” wheel and allow their rider to tackle even Monday nights between 7pm and 10pm in Ger- powers—social interactions, cultural influ- five stairs, up and over a bench, or from the top of the toughest mountain bike trails. Reputed to be linger Hall, but recently the U of O banned unicy- ences, the weather, traffic, the gods, the- uni the EMU fishbowl—all on a unicycle. the best core workout on the planet, muniers have cling at the club for reasons completely unrelated to verse—like the world is a pinball machine and Of course they aren’t really grabbing their to work just as hard descending as they do climb- unicycles (jerkoffs). If you’d like to learn, your best I am its subject. Now, who is controlling that? crotches, but instead are grabbing the fronts of their ing, must jump over every obstacle, and pick them- bet is to wait until summer and attend the juggling Perhaps I play pinball to subconsciously seats in order to jump higher and to keep their tes- selves up after UPDs that would scare most people club’s friendly outdoor practices—usually in front regain direction of my life, as if the machine ticles from falling underneath their asses. The need away from the sport forever. A strong muni rider of the UO library on Monday nights. were a model of the world. OK, that's bullshit. for their “over-the-top” looking safety gear, usually can keep up with mountain bikers everywhere but With practice, you too can hurt yourself on a I just like pinball. Regardless, I will continue comprising of a helmet, gloves, full leg and knee on downhills (no coasting) and can often out-climb unicycle while doing things that are silly and dan- stumbling through life day after tumultuous armor, and often elbow pads, becomes obvious them. Munis excel on the most technical trails and gerous. However, if you have testicles, be careful day, from one machine to the next, playing when you see them jumping down nine foot tall can ride areas that many bikers won’t touch. not to get them between you and the seat on those God as I determine the fate of that silver ball, drops, riding or jumping down huge sets of stairs, At this point I’m sure you are wondering: “How long drops, or you’ll be grabbing your crotch for saving it from death in search of perfection or grinding a hand rail. In extreme unicycling, the does one get started unicycling? Is it hard? Can I real. Trust me. and that ultimate heavenly jackpot.

10 THE DROPOUT • JUNE 16, 2010 • DROPOUTEUGENE.COM stage-tested and perfected; the tracks blend to- gether into a cohesive album, showcasing a band Hero Complex that has found and gotten comfortable in its niche Eugene synth duo is loopy through years of playing together. Given the three year span between the first EP by River Donaghey and this new release, one would be safe to assume that the band has written new material. The only song that is carried over from the 2007 EP is a song For a two piece, Eugene's own Science Heroes called “Salinas” and the track itself has taken on a create a surprisingly dense and complex haze of whole new direction. sound. The self-proclaimed electro-rock duo make “After we recorded the version [of “Salinas”] on use of all sorts of synthesizers, drum machines, and the EP, we started developing this climactic end- loops to craft their signature dark, gloomy, synth ing for it,” said Weber. “It kept getting bigger and music. They have been known to, on occasion, rock more complex until it sort of became this whole out hard with homemade keytars and oscilloscopes other song called 'Monogamy.' We liked the emo- built from old televisions. tional intensity of both songs The two-piece is made up and how they ran together so of Andy Weber, who takes on SCIENCE HEROES we made it a big part of our live the classic role of singer-with- CONTROL, INC., BINARY SYNDICATE show. It seemed right that it June 26 a-guitar, and Josiah Martens, should go on the album, too. Af- Luckey's, 10pm, $5 who handles the band's various ter we recorded it for the album, electronics and adds cloudy it seemed like there was really beat-driven synth layers over Andy's guitar-based three songs there--each one could stand alone or fit songwriting. The result is something wholly new; together in this longer piece.” their music bridges the gap between a wide variety Transmission Zero Hour was recorded earlier of music, from 80's dark and gloomy, almost goth this year in a home studio owned by Science Hero electro-rock to dance to straightforward rock and friend Jon Bailey in Portland. The band's biography everything in between. reports that the record was recorded on a “shoe- The band's name comes from comic book writer string budget” with Bailey, and the album traveled Allan Moore, and you can hear the pulpy, Moore- all the way to Norway to be mixed by Ashley Stub- inspired narrative stories in Andy's lyrics, if you can bert. The record's production is far better than one unearth them from under Josiah's synths and dis- would expect from phrases like “shoestring budget” torted beats. and “friend's home studio.” Stubbert's mix creates Although the Science Heroes have been play- a dense fog of electronic blips, dirty synth leads, ing around town at Luckey's and the WOW Hall and compressed drum loops. Andy Weber's voice (among other venues) for years, they have just re- sits somewhere buried inside the cloud of gloomy, leased their first full-length record. In October 2007 electronic noise, and his guitar bobs along with him. the band released an EP called the Mars Bluff EP, His guitar floats to the surface of the sound at times but it wasn't until February 2010 that they finally and at others it sinks down—overtaken by Josiah dropped their nine track, debut LP, Transmission Marten's layers of synths. Zero Hour. “We did try some new things for the album that The band's history together shows through on we don't do live,” Weber continues. “But mostly the Transmission Zero Hour. It is not a debut record songs are just tighter versions of our live perfor- from a band that recently formed and wrote an mances. When we play live there are more extended album together. The nine songs on the disc sound 'jam' type sections to some songs.”

DROPOUTEUGENE.COM • JUNE 16, 2010 • THE DROPOUT 11 EVENTS CALENDAR JUNE 16 — 29 special previews

antidote Eugene Wine Cellars, 255 Madison St, 6/26, featuring DJ Manoj (pictured) and others

The Slants WEDNESDAY 6/16 Cozmic Pizza, 199 W. 8th Ave., 8pm, $5 If a tree falls in the woods, does it make a noise? What is Forgotten Works the sound of one hand clapping? If the Slants, Portland's The Granary, 259 E. 5th Ave., 8pm, $3 synth-pop outfit play an unplugged set, will it still be dance- Eugene's Forgotten Works is the brainchild of audio engi- able? Find the answers to these existential queries and neer Dan Reyhle and visual artist David Norem. Together enjoy a slice at this early acoustic set. since 2005, the foursome bring elements of mando- inflected Americana, bongload-ready late-90's folk, and multimedia art-nerdiness to their live shows. SUNDAY 6/20 DJ Joshua Lee Pokey LaFarge & the South City Three, Cowfish, 62 W. Broadway, 9pm Frank Fairfield We hear he'll be rocking some dubstep. Wobble, wobble, Sam Bonds, 407 Blair Blvd. 9pm, $5 wobble. It's appropriate that LaFarge hails from St. Louis, Ameri- ca's gateway to the west. His music, a blend of roots, jazz, and old-time acts as a gateway to America's musical past. THURSDAY 6/17 His current tour, in support of his new disc "Riverboat Soul," is taking him to such far-flung locales as Belfast, Los Ange- One Horse Shy, Brown Chicken Brown les, and Sitka, Alaska. The Sam Bonds appearance, while Cow STRINGBAND showing off the toe-tapping rhythms of Appalachia, should Sam Bonds, 407 Blair Blvd. 9pm, $5 also clarify the role of the kazoo in America's cultural tradi- tion. FRIDAY 6/18 TUESDAY 6/22 N.E.S.T. Benefit Alder St. All Stars, Aeon Now! Ash Reiter Eugene Free School, 2nd and Garfield, 7:30pm Axe & Fiddle, 657 E. Main St., Cottage Grove, 8pm, n/c N.E.S.T., the Northwest Ecosystem Survey Team, is a vol- unteer group of "self-organizing, tree-climbing humans" who came together following the Fall Creek tree sit of 1998. This benefit promises the gypsy-core stylings of Aeon Now!, the honkey-tonkitude of Alder St. All Stars, and a chili dinner.

Marv Ellis, The Luminaries Sam Bonds, 407 Blair Blvd. 9pm, $6

Kenny Reed Trio Cowfish, 62 W. Broadway, 8pm SATURDAY 6/19 A Gay in the Park The Whisky Chasers, Pegasissy, Brick Underground Theatre, Stephan Nance, Swamp Mama Kaz, and Paradigm Washington-Jefferson Park, 11am-6pm, $6 sug. donation This family-friendly day of music, games and food is the first in a promising series of events from Laura McNamara and Julie Weismann's Que Productions. Be sure to stop by The Dropout's booth and get gay with us, or at least bi-curious.

Guantanamo Baywatch, The Underlings Wandering Goat, 268 Madison St., 9pm Bravely splitting the difference between The Cramps and Dick Dale is Portland's Guantanamo Baywatch. The quar- tet's loud surf rock will satisfy your inner beach bum, but they lay enough squeal and scream on top of it to make you want to bang shoulders and heads. kenny reed trio Cowfish, 62 W. Broadway, 8pm, 6/18

12 THE DROPOUT • JUNE 16, 2010 • DROPOUTEUGENE.COM CALENDAR Scratchheads Ash Reiter delivers songs imbued with a sense of both modernist self-consciousness and post-modern detach- ment, garnering comparisons to Regina Spektor, Feist, and Unite! Jenny Lewis along the way. To be sure, her fragile and raspy birdsong puts her in the ranks of such indie-folk chanteus- DJ pioneers will Bach the night es, but the light and jazzy arrangements that back her up away at annual bash often suggest more Etta James than Rilo Kiley.

WEDNESDAY 6/23 5th ANNUAL BACH REMIX F.A.M.E., BETA COLLIDE, DJ CELSIUS, St. John and the Revelations CONNAH JAY Sam Bonds, 407 Blair Blvd. 9pm, $5 Venice, California is usually known more for it's skate-punk Thursday June 24, 9pm culture or it's weirdo-filled beaches than it's sensitive folk Cowfish, 62 W. Broadway, $2 don. rock, but with thoughtful lyrics and softly melodic arrange- ments, St. John and crew subvert that paradigm. THURSDAY 6/24 5th Annual Bach Remix F.A.M.E., Beta Collide, DJ Celsius, Connah Jay BACH REMIX DJs scratch their way through classical music at Cowfish, 6/24 Cowfish, 62 W. Broadway, 9pm, $2 suggested donation to Arts Umbrella (see next page) by ROGER PETERSON

Nohow On, The Caps he Bach Remix began in 2006 as a com- of hip-hop producers and DJs (Teeko, Max “It's going to be something different that peo- Luckey's, 933 Olive Street, 10pm, $5 Brooklyn's Nohow On has had praise heaped upon them petition among DJs to mark the Oregon Kane, and Malaguti) are pioneers in the use ple have never seen, a very electric style with a by the likes of NPR, Spin, and Deli Magazine. Springing Bach Festival and to bridge the gap be- of Vestax's Controller One, a turntable that al- fusion of a lot of different genres of music,” says from the creative loins of Raky Sastry, this freak-folk three- T tween classical and modern music. Now in it's lows DJs to not only bend pitch and tone, but F.A.M.E.'s Kane, “but we like to make our music some combines the quirky instrumentation of Devendra Banhart with the soft, melodic earnestness of Bon Iver. fifth year, the night has morphed into a show- to also play a full musical scale with vinyl. 'epic' with tension and release. It's a new approach case of international experimental music and New music ensemble Beta Collide will per- of how to use the turntable and drum machines has moved into its new home at Cowfish. form an electro-acoustic set composed spe- and rock them live.” FRIDAY 6/25 Bay Area collective F.A.M.E. (Fresh Ana- cially for the occasion, and local scratchers DJ Manooghi log Music Experience) will headline. The trio Celsius and Connah Jay round out the night. Sam Bonds, 407 Blair Blvd. 9:30pm, $6 We hear a lot of bands that lay claim to the 'fusion' moni- ker, but with Manooghi Hi, even the term 'world music' seems a bit narrow. With influences as far flung as Puerto Rican Bomba, Indian Bhangra, and American turntablism, hold / we are buckets full of bones” leads nicely Manooghi create a strange landscape of musical flavors back into the chorus again, where Ponto and Brady that can be both as pleasant as a trance and as transcen- finally sound sincere as they half sing, half shout dent as a trip. ALBUM REVIEWS the refrain: “Where do we go? Where do we go?” The Dropout’s fortnightly review of local and regional music The only interlude track to break the one minute Windy City Gentleman, Beyond Veronica, mark follows “Pterodactyl” with a lone cello amid Loaded for Bear Luckey's, 933 Olive Street, 10pm, $5 ambient howls, until a steady effected drum loop Hollywood's Windy City Gentleman claims to share blood looking at you duet with Alela Diane, “The Tree”). rises to the forefront. This interlude, taking its title with America's first serial killer, Herman Webster Mudgett, They can be agreeably light and fanciful but it’s from the palindrome “do geese see god?” serves although you wouldn't guess it based on the Gentleman's BLITZEN TRAPPER nothing that hasn’t been done before… a lot. It is the same relative purpose as the album's opener. glitter-rock androgyny (think lipstick and eyeliner) or his Destroyer of the Void something that could’ve been engineered by tak- It fades in and slowly builds up tension until the synth-pop beats. While he often veers in the direction ing the acappella recordings of Tom Petty and fit- inevitable release that comes with the beginning of glam rock, we're hearing more Billy Idol than Bolan or 2010, Sub Pop Records blitzentrapper.net ting them to the instrumentals of various Beatles of the next song- the tightly grooving, semi-autobio- Bowie. tracks. Call it Let It Be Full Moon Fever, or Destroyer graphical (Brady moved to Eugene from Illinois two Sonny and the Moonlighters If someone put on the new Blitzen Trapper of the Void. —Josiah Mankofsky and a half years ago) “Stranger.” Tiny Tavern, 394 Blair Blvd., 10pm album, Destroyer of the Void, it’s damn fucking The next six tracks, two of which stand some- Doo-wop, if Cobain had a say in it. likely that you’d mistakenly think John Lennon and where between filler and ambience, cover a large George Harrison have come back to life to reunite scope of emotion. Circa Vitae's songs, ignoring the with Ringo Starr and Paul McCartney, and the interludes, are varied and individual. This is not the SATURDAY 6/26 famed foursome decided to invite Tom Petty to join normal release from a new band, boxed in by the CIRCA VITAE Antidote them as their new lead singer. Shit’s just that simi- genres and sounds they chose to define themselves Manoj, Uncle Larry, Charles Thump, lar. As it turns out, no scientific research is in order. Circa Vitae EP with. Sure, the songs can all fall under the beach Shon Kaul, Jackson Myron, Luke Manda- The world has not gone sideways. No one has risen 2008, Independent umbrella of Indie Rock, but they fluctuate between la, & Big Daddy Scamp from the grave to strum and sing. There was never circavitae.com sunny pop (the aptly-named “Shine”) and the dark, Eugene Wine Cellars, 255 Madison St., 9pm, $10 before some covert meeting and recording session, either. Muse-influenced faux-prog of “The Tower.” 1am/$7 after Blitzen Trapper has simply made an album that You can tell Thaddeus Moore, drummer and The best song on the album is its final song Veteran DJ Manoj leads an impressive line-up from the largely sounds like a smash up of the two entities. founding member of Eugene band Circa Vitae, “Infinity is 8 on its Side.” The song plays out like same people that brought you "Fuel," April's raucous drum and bass throwdown. Believing in the healing powers of Judging from the music and title of the new owns a recording studio. The production on the a bookend to the album- the companion song of music and dance and drawing from his personal relation- album, the aim seems to be to dismantle the di- band's debut, the creatively-titled Circa Vitae EP, is the opening “Pterodactyl.” Both songs float in the ship with the dancefloor, Manoj’s sets are infused with vide between the Beatles and Tom Petty. To stitch crisp almost to a fault. Compressors sand down the polished, anthemic indie rock that is Circa Vitae's tough rhythms simultaneously conveying the deepest the six-year gap together and retroactively create songs' rough edges and the instruments whirl to- comfort zone. Both songs sit in a tight groove, vibes. Uncle Larry's set promises floor-stompin', big-beat a bridge between the band and the man. In doing gether in a hazy, mid-range fog, falling at times into which I assume is influenced by drummer Moore's electro and, yes, flaming turntables. so, Blitzen Trapper has discarded much of the alt the dense, cloudy sounds of Broken Social Scene founding role, before opening up into large, reverb- hippie-country style that made them such an enter- and Doves. soaked choruses. Both rock, in the basic sense of Marco Benovento Trio, Axe & Fiddle, 657 E. Main St., Cottage Grove taining and enjoyable band to listen to, replacing it The album is made up of five songs interspersed rock, but the polished production smooths over with harmonies and instrumental accompaniment with four, under-a-minute ambient noise tracks some potentially interesting bumps and imperfec- Science Heroes, Control, Inc., that sounds downright derivative. The result is that which serve as interludes. The slow-burning intro tions in the songs. Binary Syndicate there are few remarkable songs. Almost nothing to the album, the 57-second “beginnings are back- Overall, though, the songs and the EP as a Luckey's, 933 Olive Street, 10pm, $5 stands out other than the scattershot nature of the wards,” leads into the first real song: “Pterodactyl,” whole stand as an excellent first effort from a lo- (see page 11) album. named, as far as I can tell, for the screeching bird cal Eugene band. The production sands out some They do have a couple of gems in there, though. call that drifts over the instruments after the first of the interesting, rougher grit and character, but TUESDAY 6/29 “The Man Who Would Speak True” is a Dylan-esque chorus. Vocalists Anna Ponto (keyboard, violin) and the music only suffers slightly. The album is still full track that harkens back to Blitzen Trapper’s bril- Britt Brady (guitar) sing beautifully, and the timbre of catchy, interesting-if-not-wholly-innovative songs. The Wobblies, Gruk, The Angries, liant EP, Black River Killer. It has that cool country of their two voices together is intriguing and pretty. I'm excited to see where Circa Vitae goes from here. Pirate Radio sound and story-telling, that fairly simple and bare The song's lyrics don't stray far from the beaten They could easily keep writing swirling, compressed Wandering Goat, 268 Madison St., 9pm arrangement and smart lyrical content that gar- path- they hint at the normal, existential dread of indie rock anthems like “Pterodactyl” and “Infinity” The Wobblies (yes, they do take their name from the Inter- nered Eric Earley praise as a songwriter. But just as white, middle-class America with lines such as “we for the rest of their career... But I hope they don't. national Workers of the World nickname) cite influences the band sinks into that iconic style, the doo-wop need something more than this / why do we exist?” They've already mastered that territory- I want to that range from Fred Hampton to Karl Marx. Imagine if Minor Threat had been fronted by Trotsky and you're get- harmonies return and it’s back to the same unin- The lyrics suffer for the sake of melodies, and see what kind of new and interesting things can ting close. spiring tunes as before. sometimes the two vocalists sound more like they arise when they push themselves in unusual direc- The Tom Petty and the Beatles sound is not en- are just singing vowel and consonant sounds rath- tions. Circa Vitae's album can be downloaded free Widespread Panic tirely terrible and is at times enjoyable in a comfort- er than actual words and lyrics. It isn't until the end from their website, www.circavitae.com, and they Cuthbert Amphitheatre, 7pm, $40/45 ably familiar sort of way. Some songs sound more of the song that the vocalists and their lyrics really are in the process of recording a follow-up album Are you sure you just don't want to wait for Furthur? Petty-ish while others verge on Wings covers (I’m sound authentic. The repeated phrase “we won't titled Lovers, due out this year. — River Donaghey

DROPOUTEUGENE.COM • JUNE 16, 2010 • THE DROPOUT 13 SPORTS! RIVERS AND RAFTING Shades of Gray Splish splash every day is a bash by Jeremiah Vosler

a series Don’t let the nay-sayers get you down. It is sum- mer time! Any day now you will wake up and be so by Al e x Tr o u d t overwhelmed with blissful sunshine that the river will be the only suitable solution. Frisbee, hacky- Part Two sack, and sun-bathing are fun for a bit, but the true river enthusiast knows that you have to get on it and in it. Here is a little advice for the day that warm inclination moves you to go rafting. I’m all about kayaking, canoeing, and white wa- ter—let’s get serious though, there is nothing more fun than a bunch of friends on an inflatable armada. An inner tube will do the job. I started here because of an average trip that threaten a healthy raft, the it is the cheapest and a little more legal with beer. Sevylor offers all the necessary accessories without There is something special about beer kept cold in the expense. The tube I already had makes a great a tied off submerged bag and the mobility of a tube. addition to the raft. I can tie it to the back for tube One drawback is that Oregon doesn’t have a large breaks or inflate it around a little ice chest to keep t began with a shattered dream. The spring sound in the world. I had been awakened too many window of days hot enough to tube comfortably. my booze in and leave room in the raft. Now all I night was suddenly real and I was wide awake, times at the cabin to the screaming of those fucking The other is that the tube doesn’t offer the level of have to worry about is what rivers to hit. seeing the darkness of the cabin, the June chiar- killing machines. But in the city? The hair on the comradery that I’m looking for when floating. The They say the Willamette is a little dirty. It never Ioscuro beyond the big east window, then the greasy back of my neck stood up and I was tingling like a kind that only interrupts my drinking and lounging hurt me. There are lots of places to get in and out of grayness of my old quilt covering the woman's na- toddler being tickled by a pervert. to steer on some of the rapids. For that I need a raft. it in Springfield and Eugene. The bridges make for ked body. I took all that in to assure myself that I didn’t care about Arnetta now. I had to find When I first decided to transition from a tube to exciting concrete and rebar dodging. The other big I was truly awake. I lifted my fingers and applied out what the fuck was going on. I trotted north a raft I wanted to save money. Forty dollars will buy advantage of the Willamette is the opportunity to pressure to my cheekbones, wanting to be doubly onto Lawrence. The screams of the saws were get- a queen-sized inflatable camping mattress. A little shout at patrons of the waterfront businesses while sure. But the contents of my mind did not seem to ting louder now. And they were starting to mix with harder to steer than a tube, something the mattress maintaining a safe distance. Despite the suitability be wakeful thoughts. I had a feeling that someone other screams, agonizing screams. makes up for in improved relatively dry lounging. of the Willamette, the McKenzie has got to be my uninvited had entered the cabin. I started running before I knew I was running. I charged the mattress hard until the day I took favorite. Well, I’m old now. I can’t do the things I used to At Broadway I turned east again toward the cacoph- 40-ouncers. The mattress just doesn’t offer all the The Marquam store is a great place to get in do. Can you? I can still listen to music and some- ony. Then I saw Arnie Benedict standing outside accessories you get with a raft, like sides and some- or out of the McKenzie. More importantly, it is times my foot will move when I hear a great Scarlet his big white car talking into a walkie talkie. Two thing to tie a bag to. As I went down the first rapid a the location of a terrific bridge to jump off. In life Fire, like that Nassau show on spring tour so many big-ass cops seemed to be standing guard. I wasn’t 40 rolled off and broke. I decided immediately that there are times that one just has to let go. Jumping years ago. That’s what it’s all about, right? Damn, going past them so I ran north again down an alley I had a fiduciary responsibility to the wildlife, other off bridges is a liberating experience that will free now I have to wait for the nurse to fill my pipe and and then east again. Now I had a clear view what rafters, and 40s not to ever let that happen again. your mind. There is a risk of getting to comfortable light it for me and then it’s a day’s worth of sucking was happening. Chug-a-lug chug-a-lug—two 40s later over the next though. After many successful leaps from the Mar- just to get that dusky smoke into my bloodstream. An old growth big leaf maple came crashing hour another rapid fast approached. Everything quam bridge I thought it would be a good idea to It happens to us all; unless we die young. down to the street. I was thrown to the ground by seemed in order until the last 40 made a dash for jump off a 70-foot bridge in Washington. The near- I can look back in my mind though; Billy Pil- the vibration when the giant fell. I saw two loggers the edge. Diving for it I abandoned the raft hit- fatal mistake of sliding off the edge while sitting in- grim-it, I call it. To great games of hoops I played; high five each other and one of them kissed his saw. ting my head on a rock and launching the mattress stead of stepping off didn’t occur to me until I was to beautiful women and men I fucked; to amazing Blood was pouring from the tree’s wound. That’s into brambles on the side of the river, saved the 40 over rotating while plummeting towards the water. trips I have taken; and I still have my imagination how I remember it. Two more loggers were just though. While hitch hiking down the remainder of Next thing I remember, my friends that had been even if my adrenalin is all dried up. starting on other trees. There were at least 25 cops the river I came to three conclusions. First, 40s are on top of the bridge water around me taking me to I’m laying here visualizing that morning Arnetta cordoning off the area. I jumped up and screamed. rowdy. Second, anybody will give you a ride for a the side. Oh well, a little concussion never hurt any- showed up. By then Arnetta was grabbing my arm and yelling 40. Third, it was time for a real raft. one and who needs that flap of skin that goes from For some reason I got off the freeway at Frank- something but I couldn’t hear her with the chain- By the time I made it to the rivers of Eugene I the top of your teeth to your lip in the middle of the lin. Arnetta hadn’t spoken a word since we left the saws and the anger ringing in my ears. I saw a giant was rocking a $100 4-6 man yellow/blue Sevylor front of your mouth. cabin and I was getting pissed. My mind was wan- raven in the top of the tree being cut. We made eye raft. The Sevylor is my tried and true river compan- Have fun! Bring life jackets, oars, and whistles. dering as I turned west onto 11th and tried to catch contact and despite everything I heard her caw. It ion. With all the rocks, sticks, booze, and cigarettes I’ll see you out there. the lights. The morning luster hadn’t changed since was the plaintive, death wail of nature. dawn, light gray almost white and not a shape to I sprinted toward a logger putting his saw to the be seen; flat as the world before that asshole Cris- gray bark. I never played football in high school but tobal Colon proved them wrong. I knew Arnetta somehow I made it past the offensive line and into was keeping her emotions flat also. That just wasn’t the backfield. I tackled that fucking quarterback like her. like Lester Hayes on a safety blitz. We rolled on I turned right onto Lincoln heading north. I the dark gray pavement with the chainsaw blasting How To: saw two cop cars at Broadway. No worries, I near my head. I looked up to see 20 cops sprinting thought, I’ve got the Toyos. The blue and whites towards us. The logger was dazed but I was as sharp Acquire a drug habit were parked kinda funny near a big white Mercedes and clear as cut glass. I ran toward a tree not cut yet. CL-550. A large cop with jack boots was talking The nearest branches were at least 25 feet up but I without attracting to someone in the Mercedes. I felt a twinge in me jumped onto the trunk with one foot and pushed neck. Arnetta’s tension was something to be reck- up. I grabbed the branch easily and lifted myself in attention oned with but this was different. I made a quick left one swift motion. Then up and up I went. onto 10th and hoped that the cops didn’t think it The yelling cops were way below me when I looked suspicious. heard another noise. It was more like a welling, or “Where are you going?” what I suspect a tsunami sounds like. It was com- by Jeffrey Mattsammi Timberwolf “I don’t know.” ing from the Whiteaker and it was coming fast. The “What the fuck do you mean, you don’t know?” cops heard it too. They all turned in unison, like Tired of your mom busting into your room, First, you can’t just grab any old orange. It’s Arnetta never cursed. chickens at feed time. grabbing your stash and flushing it down the gotta be a blood orange. Next, you must extract “I don’t know.” From my perch I saw the most beautiful sight I toilet? Had so many interventions that they’ve the pith carefully so as to avoid contamination It was the truth. For once. When I had made had ever seen. A mass of freaks, hippies, anarchists, become catered affairs? Boss suspicious of how from the peel. A grapefruit spoon works well for frequently you’re cleaning your keyboard? You’re this. Once this is done, you must dry the pith the turn I had caught a glimpse of the Mercedes and just plain folk were descending on the massacre. in luck. In this edition of How To, we’ll guide you under direct sunlight for exactly 44 hours. Then, driver. It looked a lot like Arnie Benedict, the may- I could see Arnie Benedict waving his arms like a through the acquisition of a drug habit that will wearing red elbow-length velvet gloves, crush the or of our fair city. What was he doing up this early? madman and screaming into his walkie-talkie. His easily be kept hidden. dried pith into a fine powder using a pestle and His rep was not good among my circles. A church fat face was as red as the sun behind the smoke of Everyone knows oranges are chock full of vi- mortar. You are almost ready to get alpine now. was on 11th and Charnelton so it couldn’t be that. I a forest fire. tamin C and that most of it is tucked away in that Just one more step. Tear a page out of whatever had a feeling and though I really didn’t like it, I had The cops abandoned me and retreated to re- white shit on the inside of the rind and outside of religious text you have handy, roll it into a funnel to follow it. I parked the Wagovan on 10th. group. I could see their faces and they were scared. the fruit, the pith. But few people know of pith’s and snort that shit. You’ll be stricken with altitude “I thought we were going to the Keystone?” That meant only one thing. When cops are scared psychotropic properties. You can get fucking hov- sickness in moments. Your friends, family mem- “We are.” they resort to the one thing they know best, vio- ering on that shit. But before you blitz the fridge bers, employers and doctor will think you’re just “Did it move?” lence. This is gonna get ugly, I thought. and dig your thumbs into the first navel you get getting a healthy dose of vitamin C and fighting “Shut the fuck up, Arnetta.” Whatever Arnetta had to tell me was just gonna your hands on, let me tell you, it’s more compli- off scurvy. Only you will know how high you are. I got out of the car and heard sirens close by. have to wait. cated than just peeling and eating. But above that I heard the unmistakable wail of chainsaws. I hated that sound more than any other

14 THE DROPOUT • JUNE 16, 2010 • DROPOUTEUGENE.COM HOROSCOPES by Steven Jellybean Honeysuckle June 16, 2010

SAGE ADVICE : The puckish moon, tickling : Sticky pure hedonism press- Aries Mar. 21­-Apr. 19 Libra Sep. 23-Oct. 22 FOR THE EVOLUTION the toes of the Milky Way with peacock feathers es and charges through your arteries this time of and ball whisks, engenders a blithesome buoy- year, dilating the thick walls and rushing to every ancy within you over the coming weeks, so have destination. You’re becoming more and more in- a heaping helping of humor. Gorge yourself on calculable and filled of your unconscious whim- I’ve had this male friend for years, and he’s been my best guy for most gags. Become fattened on funny. Create some sies as the days reach for and through summer. of that time. When I broke up with my long-term boyfriend a few months handsome new wrinkles on your mug, and get a Get with it, wo/man! Only corporations and the back, this friend and I entered into a “friends with benefits” situation, which good ab workout too. scared like habitual predictability. Get with it! was going great for a while. We had a great time together and the sex was TAURUS Apr. 20-May 20: A fantastical sense of am- Scorpio Oct. 23-Nov. 21: Waxing up your ironic awesome! Since we were both between relationships, it just seemed easy and ASK KIMBIRLEE SAGE orousness is being romanced from you right now, mustache? Blowing your knees out riding your comfortable to hang out together. As far as a BOYFRIEND, though, it just fetched from throughout your cardiac contraption fixie? Listening to that Wavves LP until it skips. wouldn’t work for several reasons… He drinks more than I like, I want kids and expanded across you like a long-sought and That is so May. Get with the new. Start using only someday and he doesn’t, I love cats and he’s allergic, stuff like that… So we had this conversation last reanimating salve. It’s warm, like when you pee the first letter of the last word of each S. Stop week about how we just wouldn’t work out in the long run, and maybe we should just go back to being in the pool and stay put. Spread the love around linguistically lollygagging saying all the Ws. Say- friends, and even though he agreed with me at the time, now he won’t return my calls. I don’t know what but not the urine. ing all the words is so for formal saps with their fingers estranged from the P. Get hip, M. to do! I’m so upset about losing my friend! Is there any way to save this? Gemini May 21-June 20: Are you afraid you will Bummed About Boys dwindle and fade off until you are left spending Sagittarius Nov. 22-Dec. 21: You are filled with your days in discounted relevance? Well, right the hum right now. You are a cello string that has Most guys should have to wear a sign pinned to their shirt when encountering single females, now you are flat out burbling with the breath of been set quiveringly athrum. A moth’s wings as “CAUTION! Don’t even look at me sideways unless you want to be labeled a tease, and don’t you creative ingenuity. You are your own prime. Set it flutters about a candle’s wick. A light whisper dare screw me unless you plan on doing so every day for the rest of your life, or I’ll never speak to out to make something. Go heavy on originality upon the ear. It is beguilingly raw and solici- you again.” and inventiveness, and light on kitsch and osten- tously seductive. You could quite possibly bring tation. That’s how it’s done. an insect back to life if you held it between your See, you were spared this phenomenon with this particular guy for the beginning of your cupped palms and breathed upon its antennas. friendship, because you were in a relationship. But as soon as that was over you went into the Cancer June 21-July 22: You may be tempted, inter- Hang the hardships. “Single” category, and changed from being a human, to being a target. It sucks how a guy can be a mittently, to let your percepter percolate on the friend as long as you never give him any, but as soon as you do, or as soon as he thinks you might, true nature of the universe, to let your brain bub- Capricorn Dec. 22-Jan. 19: You’ve a residual con- it’s all he can think about, and he forgets about everything else that was cool about hanging with ble on the magnitude of the great macrocosm. cept of yourself, a perpetual and fluid dialogue be- you. You never know, when he’s finished licking his wounds and stroking his injured ego, he may Go lightly on these occasions because success tween memories, pressures and perceptions all come to his senses. Sometimes, if they are mature, (and not a Scorpio) they come around. I hope could very well result in a complete and total seamlessly synthesized by your brain, and almost mental break, a psychic seizure of sorts. All that without direct oversight. It’s good to jangle that so for your sake, and I’ve seen it happen, but rarely. I wish I had more optimistic advice to give, but fine china could just leap up off the shelf and find shit up at times. Get confused about who/where honestly, I don’t. I cringe when I hear the phrase “friends with benefits.” Not because I’m against its way to the floor. you are. Vacation from your head. Use whatever casual sex, but because the “friends” part is so likely untrue. method best suits you, but get beyond your brain. But hey, what doesn’t kill you teaches a lesson, or at least shows you who your real friends are. Leo July 23-Aug. 22: You’ll find vitrified people heavy I propose that from now on instead of your friends, you should fuck your enemies. Imagine: En- at hand wherever you find yourself. Surfaces bur- Aquarius Jan. 20-Feb. 18: It is possible that you’ve emies With Benefits! “I hate you” sex is way hotter than “I kinda like you” sex anyway, and when nished to a high gloss, seemingly smooth and become a little asymmetrical of late. A little top- you’re ready to move on, you just go back to hating each other. Easy Cheesy. frictionless selves. Glassen edifices. It’s a good heavy. It doesn’t much matter who is to blame or time to get out some Krylon cans and paint some who has been working the pump, only that your asterisks over eyes, mustaches over lips, words head has been dangerously over-inflated. Down- Kimbirlee Sage is a self-professed 30-year-old-not-quite-divorced-bi-sexual-commitment-phobe, so, take over mouths, and prison bars over suits. Scuff right distended. Wash your pride in humor and everything she says with a grain of salt… and a shot of tequila. that shit the fuck up! use a humility rinse. Then get back out there. She can be reached anytime at [email protected] Virgo Aug. 23-Sep. 22: All those cherry-cheeked Pisces Feb. 19­-Mar. 20: Have you awoken feeling cherubim are fast at work stringing their bows and like a fleshy front-porch swing has been swaying CROSSWORD CROSSWORD 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 feathering their love-dipped arrows, grooming their across your lips all night, just tickling your talk- Across wings and safety-pinning their diapers. You might ing apparatus while you dreamt of paragliding 1. Iron hook with a handle 14 15 16 want to carry a bottle of iodine with you and get paper-mache cinnamon bears? That’s how you 5. Low plant with many 17 18 19 a tetanus vaccine booster. Who knows what kind know you’ve been visited by a fairy. Look under branches 9. Residence 20 21 22 of germs have accumulated on those arrowheads your pillow and in your slippers. If there’s nothing over the centuries. Get ready for love. there, you’re not believing hard enough. 14. Up to it 23 24 15. Projecting columns at end of wall 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 Steven Jellybean Honeysuckle was born on a bed of dandelions plucked from your backyard on the vernal equinox. He reads only the verso pages of books and is a spendthrift when drunk but frugal otherwise. His teeth are almost all evenly aligned but are of exceedingly poor constitution despite brushing and flossing as directed. He 16. Fasten, at sea 34 35 36 37 once dug a hole in his backyard big enough to fill with water and do underwater somersaults and did so. His astrological accreditation is signed in watercolors and is cur- 17. Gradual rently lost in the mail. His favorite vegetable is brussels sprouts. He does not like snorkeling but enjoys the saltwater section of fish shops. His phone number was once 38 39 40 41 listed as Hello, Ladies in the white pages of the phonebook. He has one of the largest and most extensive collections of Nick Van Exel basketball cards in the world and 18. Attack a fly uses them as bookmarks. His grasp of science is extremely tenuous and the only thing he knows for sure when he gets up in the morning is that he’s got plans for you. 19. Winged 42 43 44 20. Excessively sensitive 45 46 47 48 49 23. Spool 24. Golf position 50 51 52 25. Lao-___ 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 28. Books of maps 31. Madrid Mrs. 60 61 62

34. More robust 63 64 65 36. Jamaican popular music 37. Large jug or pitcher 66 67 68 38. Reticent 42. Principal 7. Ollie's partner 50. Pertaining to punishment 43. Copycat 8. Panama and bowler 52. Post 44. Small branch 9. Barbed-wire barricade 53. Entreaty 45. Foul 10. Contradict 54. Tolled 46. Misgovern 11. Norwegian king 55. Cut 49. Become firm 12. Go out with 56. Edible corm 50. Dispenser candy 13. Storm center 57. Hip bones 51. Sisters 21. Give guns again 58. Cereal grain 53. Fate 22. Pertaining to the small 59. Resting place 60. Gnu cousin intestine 60. Before 61. American space agency 25. Pollex 62. Winglike parts 26. Capital city of Yemen 63. Related to the kidneys 27. Spanish hero 64. Camaro model 29. Grant portrayer 65. Sets of equipment 30. Travel on snow 66. "The ____ has landed." 31. Moves through water 67. Small horse 32. Theatrical entertainment 68. 3:00 33. Give it ___! 35. Great length of time Down 37. Greek vowel 1. Deep wound 39. Corn Puzzles provided by 2. With skill 40. FedEx rival BestCrosswords.com 3. Failure 41. Sports area (http://www.bestcrosswords.com). 4. Not as many 46. Interfere 5. Hunting dog 47. Complete agreement Used with permission. 6. Ill 48. Insanity

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