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Morgan James Publishing New York SpeakSTRONG ©2 010 Meryl Runion All rights reserved. Copyright and reuse policy This book is in a form that is easy to excerpt. You are welcome to use anything with the following guidelines. Reprint/Reuse Policy You have permission to use content from this book in your newsletter, publica- tions, or on your web site up to one skill/chapter per publication, following these guidelines. 1. Let us know when and how you are using the excerpt via email. [email protected]. 2. If it is a web posting, please link back to www.speakstrong.com. 3. Place Meryl Runion’s tag line at the end of the article with all her contact information. If on-line, please make certain that there is a web link to her site. 4. If you alter the content, please ask the author for approval. Thanks! Tag line Meryl Runion and Speak Strong (SpeakStrong) provide Power Phrases (PowerPhras- es) and other tools to help you improve communication skills at work and at home. Meryl is the author of the books PowerPhrases!, How to Use PowerPhrases, Perfect Phrases for Managers and Supervisors, SpeakStrong, Perfect Phrases for Leadership Development and How to Say It: Performance Reviews. You can reach Meryl by email: [email protected]. Runion, Meryl. Title: SpeakStrong: Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say, and Don’t be Mean When You Say It. Editor: Kristin Porotsky Design: William Groetzinger ISBN 978-1-60037-864-5 (Trade paper edition) ISBN 978-1-60037-872-0 (eBook edition) 1. Interpersonal communication. 2. Business communication. I. Title. II. Title: Speak strong. Published by: Morgan James Publishing 5 Penn Plaza, 23rd Floor In an effort to support local communities, raise awareness and New York, New York 10001 funds, Morgan James Publishing donates one percent of all 1–800–485–4943 book sales for the life of each book to Habitat for Humanity. www.MorganJamesPublishing.com Get involved today, visit www.HelpHabitatForHumanity.org. ii Other books by author include: How to Use PowerPhrases Perfect Phrases for Managers and Supervisors How to Say It: Performance Reviews PowerPhrases! Perfect Phrases for Leadership Development www.SpeakStrong.com iii SpeakSTRONG Speak STRONG n INTRODUCTION: A Speak Strong Revolution ..........xi n SPEAKSTRONG STEP 1: Commit to Code White Introduction to Commit to Code White .................... 2 Commit to Code White Skill Set #1: Awaken Your Inner Ostrich Is that my best foot forward — or a false front? Skill #1: Stop saying things you don’t mean ............................. 5 I’m not saying… Skill #2: Start noticing what you don’t say ............................. 11 I can’t talk about that because they… Skill #3: Uncover eight lame excuses (and one shameful one) ....... 15 We get along great…as long as… Skill #4: Get honest ...................................................... 21 Commit to Code White Skill Set #2: Open Your Eyes Just what DO I mean? Skill #5: Cut to the core ................................................. 27 What’s the truth about the truth? Skill #6: Establish your standard ........................................ 35 I wasn’t going to say anything, but… Skill #7: Lose your lame excuses ........................................ 41 iv Table of Contents Where do I begin? Skill #8: Talk about how you talk ....................................... 47 n SPEAKSTRONG STEP 2: Say What You Mean Introduction to Say What You Mean ....................... 52 Say What You Mean Skill Set #1: Say What You Think Just the facts ma’am Skill #9: Separate fact from opinion .................................... 53 Why should they listen to me? Skill #10: Establish credibility ............................................ 57 Judge and jury Skill #11: Express your opinion (without sounding opinionated) ....... 61 Say What You Mean Skill Set #2: Say What You Feel If it’s not personal, why am I so triggered? Skill #12: Get over rationality myths ..................................... 65 They hurt my feelings Skill #13: Express your emotion (without sounding like a five-year old) ..69 Mad, sad, glad, scared Skill #14: Expand your emotional vocabulary........................... 73 Say What You Mean Skill Set #3: Say What You Want Good people don’t want; strong people don’t ask Skill #15: Dare to desire ................................................... 77 I don’t know what I want, but I should have it…whatever it is Skill #16: Prepare to ask ................................................... 81 Would you be a dear and… Skill #17: Ask so you receive .............................................. 85 v SpeakSTRONG Table of Contents Say What You Mean Skill Set #4: Add Persuasion Have I got a deal for you! Skill #18: Persuade, don’t manipulate ................................... 89 This one’s for your inner reptile. Skill #19: Talk to all three brains (including the one that really makes the decisions) ............................................ 95 But wait, there’s more! Skill #20: Supercharge your message with persuasion ................. 99 n SPEAKSTRONG STEP 3: Mean What You Say Introduction to Mean What You Say ..................... 104 Mean What You Say Skill Set #1: Protect the Power How many times do I have to tell you? Skill #21: Say it so they know you mean it .............................. 105 Do as I say, and as I do Skill #22: Match your talk and your walk ............................... 111 I’ll have it for you by start of business Wednesday, June 16th Skill #23: Specify and see it through .................................... 117 Mean What You Say Skill Set #2: Play Big Excuse me, your consciousness level is showing Skill #24: Get real but not raw ........................................... 121 It’s um, uh, you know, kinda important to, like, pick your words well Skill #25: Don’t let weak speak sneak in ................................ 125 You wouldn’t want to help me, would you? Skill #26: Expect to be taken seriously .................................. 129 vi Table of Contents Mean What You Say Skill Set #3: Be Resolute I don’t do windows Skill #27: Establish boundaries......................................................... 135 Perhaps I wasn’t clear Skill #28: Implement boundaries ........................................ 141 Don’t make me come back there! Skill #29: Communicate consequences (not disguised threats) ....... 145 Mean What You Say Skill Set #4: Retrain to Respond That was my evil twin Skill #30: Meet and greet your communication devil ................. 149 Open mouth and extract foot Skill #31: Stop, drop and purge bad habits ............................. 155 New and Improved! Skill #32: Out with the bad habits, in with the good .................. 159 n SPEAKSTRONG STEP 4: Don’t Be Mean When You Say It Introduction to Don’t Be Mean When You Say It ...... 164 Don’t Be Mean When You Say It Skill Set #1: Check Your Attitude My head is a war zone Skill #33: Elevate thinking to elevate speaking ......................... 165 “Do be a Do-Bee” Skill #34: Turn your negatives into positives (that get results) ......... 169 If wishes were horses, beggars would ride Skill #35: Express positive realism (not delusional fantasy) ............ 173 vii SpeakSTRONG Table of Contents Don’t Be Mean When You Say It Skill Set #2: Assert, Don’t Aggress Speak softly enough for them to hear you Skill #36: Embrace true power .......................................... 177 Nice girls (and boys) don’t… Skill #37: Assert yourself (without inviting one of the “B” labels) ...... 183 If I smile while I stick the knife in, will you still like me? Skill #38: Purge passive-aggressive habits ............................... 189 Don’t Be Mean When You Say It Skill Set #3: Give up the Games You’re with me or you’re against me Skill #39: Be a uniter, not a divider ..................................... 193 Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain Skill #40: Drop the distractions and the deceptions ................... 199 Like putty in my hands Skill #41: Stop manipulating............................................. 205 Don’t Be Mean When You Say It Skill Set #4: Purge the Poison After all I’ve done for you … Skill #42: Get guilt-free in accountability .............................. 211 You have a great face for radio Skill #43: Put sarcasm in its place ....................................... 217 You’re an *$!#% *# Skill #44: Identify issues (without using labels) ........................ 223 Nothing is the way it seems Skill #45: Clean up counterfeit communication ....................... 229 viii Table of Contents n SPEAKSTRONG STEP 5: Speak Your Simple Truth Introduction to Speak Your Simple Truth ............... 236 Speak Your Simple Truth Skill Set #1: Express Yourself Hear me roar, purr, growl and meow Skill #46: Communicate all you are .................................... 237 I didn’t know that until I said it Skill #47: Talk your way to self knowledge ............................. 243 Brand You Skill #48: Define and communicate your uniqueness ................. 247 Speak Your Simple Truth Skill Set #2: Create, Radiate and Elevate I walk my talk, but do I talk the walk I want? Skill #49: Talk an inspired walk ......................................... 251 You talk the low road and I talk the high road… Skill #50: Elevate conversations ......................................... 255 When all is said and done, stop talking Skill #51: Relax into silence .............................................. 259 n APPENDIX Article Summaries ........................................................ 261 More