May 1981 The DISSENT Page 8 ■ f s * ® n f

Offices located at the rear table of Justine' Bar and Grill, 8

| PUBLISHER Margaret Pynchon MANAGING EDITOR Charlie Hume CITY EDITOR , Lou Grant | M ASST.'CITY EDITOR ¡§ Art Donavan

- PHOTOGRAPHERm | | Dennis “Animal” Smith H REPORTERS Billie Newman, Joe Rossie, ? Sweeney, The Santini Family: Trip, Chip, Spence, Scoop, Scam, Muffy, KIM, Devil, Biff, Reynaldo, Benny, Sticker, Bobby, Johnny, Grogo, Hack, Buffy, Tipsy, and illegitimate Santlni’s everywhere. EDITORIAL anjj aje suojtesnooe asaqi All characters depicted in this publication :Aes o; 6u|qi auo are real people, but we are going to pretend We at the DISSENT realize the difficulty A|uo 8Aei| ‘pjeoq |euo;!pa aq; a/v\ ‘suoqesno they are fictitious and not intend to re p re -1 Janet Cooke, former Washington Post -oe asaq; ;o ne o; asuodsaj ;o Aem sy sent anyone alive or- dead. But that’s only to reporter, will have in finding a new job. sumo; keep a libel suit off our heads. But because of our strong committment uja;sa/\/\-P!W netus ;o sjaAoa>|e; ;smnuj to running fabricated material, making up -O10Q 6upueu!; A||en;oe ;o pasnooe pue Letters to the editor will be accepted, read, quotes, contriving photographs and A;uoq;ne jo simo; ne 6ui;oadsajs!p ;o pasno and destroyed, but not necessarily in that creating composite characters and passing -oe uaaq aAeq a/y\ |oqoo|e pue s6njp q;iM order, m m them off as real people, we feel Ms. Cooke 6u!;uauuuadxa aiuq qonuu oo; 6u¡;sbm ;o would be an asset to our staff. pasnooe uaaq aAeq a/y\ Buiujeai jaq6|q ;o Subscriptions to the DISSENT are available, We invite Janet Cooke to send her com­ P with special discounts offered to those liv- suoumqsu! 6ui;oadsajsip pue ‘sjapejeqo posite resume and fake credentials to the 6u|;eu!ssesse ‘suoqesnooe as|e; 6u| tng in countries under Communist influence DISSENT for consideration. i |o r in. Canada, Rates are provided upon ->ieuj ;o pasnooe uaaq aAeq bm ‘Aquaoay S request. jj; Merry C hristmas LETTER TO THE EDITORS The DISSENT receives lots of mail every- issue. IThis letter comes all the way from .®FROMltS day, but because of limited space we are the STATE TIMES newspaper, State Univer- able to print only one selected letter per sity College, Oneonta, New York

Dear Editors, Aren’t you impressed???!!!! ?Que’ pasa, babies? Your letter was I feel sorry for you if you are. great. Your product of artistic creation is I saw a great classical/jazz concert now decorating our lovely office walls. Saturday night. Of course, I couldn’t hear a Stacy and Eric haven’t even seen them yet. thing because there was fog blocking my Oh, well. No cigarettes for awhile. I can’t ears, but I guess that the concert would wait until I have one so I can be a real have been just great if I could have seen it. smoker again. Being a smoker is fun I’ll send you a postcard of the concert because then you have a title. Just a normal sometime. In technicolor. I’m hungry, so I’m person has just a normal name, but a going to get a donut now. I’ll pretend that smoker has a whole deal. I’m eating it in Canada just so it can feel like Rona Gindin old times. Write soon. THEi>i5servt Editor-in-Chief love, SMOKER The (non?) smoker Page 7 The DISSENT May 1981

Did you ever wonder about the different names the buildings around here have? Here is a quick reference guide, just in case. Campus Drive apartments -- that’s the name of the street they’re on. The Daemen Little Theatre -- It’s small. Wick Center -- named after Charles Wick, the guy whose portrait hangs near the en­ trance. Lourdes Hall -- some religious place in France. Dun Scotus - a philosopher who founded I the Fransican order of nuns and was later | killed by his students. Members of the college community hope to \ soon name a building after the President.

T*-.- *Vv,W.

female), and keeping the Erie County Health PURPLE HAZE: The Ballad of Benny Santini Department from condemning his room. He was also a top-flight DJ for WPNK which, at by Jay Santini had money and she had the largest pectoral that time, was W.N.Y.'s only “ new wave” Dedication: In commemoration of my dear measurements of all the girls at Robert radio station; he only played the best brother and close friend, Benny Santini, Fulton High. When they finally came home classical and punk rock music. His music who has passed on to the higher circles of three days later from what I guess you consisted in the three B’s: Bach, nearly-graduated, semi-employed, ex- could call a “ binge," Mr. Lebowitz was ex­ Beethoven, and Blonde. When asked Daemenites. May God have mercy on his tremely upset. He gave Benny two choices: whether he liked the Beatles, Benny soul. Amen. either he could marry Shelley or go to jail. retorted, “ Sure. Cooked, fried, sauteed or Benny Santini was born in the house his So Benny did the noble thing - he packed raw - but grasshoppers taste better!” father built. Located in the slums of Bayone, his bags and headed for a Jewish seminary Benny always did like the Rathskeller; to N.J., the Santini domicile was possibly the near Montreal. him, it was the most useful place on cam­ best shanty which that section of northern Benny didn't last too long at the Saadia pus. As a matter of fact, he helped me write Jersey had ever seen. The entire ben Joseph Seminary for Wayward Jewish a Purple Haze entitled “ Raturday Night neighborhood was comprised of German Youths. His first major problem was he Fever.” I can stil! picture Benny sitting in immigrants and war criminals who passed could speak neither French nor Yiddish. His the Rat, trying to pick up girls, saying, themselves off as Puerto Rican Brazilians. second problem was he always made the “ Would you like to go outside with me and This was fine if you were from either Ger­ holes in the bagles too small, thus cutting help spot UFO’s?” Obviously, he picked up many, Puerto Rico, or Brazil; the.Santini’s the seminary bakery's profit margin by as many girls with that line as there have were of the Hebraic persuasion and spoke more than 15%. His last problem was that been Polish Popes, and this girl would have nothing but southwestern Brooklynese. he really wasn’t cheap, even though he lik­ gone out with a German Shepard. It was in these surroundings that Benny ed to call himself “ pinch a penny Benny." If anybody would like to drop Benny a line grew up and got beat up. He lived with his So when his superiors found out that he had his address is: Benny Santini father Benny, Sr., his mother Kara, and his bought a pair of Levi jeans for $17.95 that c/o Vito DeNucci five brothers Jay (that's me), Johnny, Sam­ were on sale around the corner for $16.00, 666 Los Diablos Blvd. my, Bobby and his adopted brother that was all she wrote. Benny was kicked Trenton, N.J. 08540 out and told to convert to Christianity. Reynaldo, whom the Santini’s found one Please, no postcards. If you want to ask day in the mailbox with the morning mail. Which brings us to how Benny Santini him what he's doing, just mention TTT, Benny was a rotund, obese, awkward boy ended up at Daemen College. When he that’s his major -Taxi Technology Training. who had an aversion to work and a preoc­ transfered to D.C. in the fall of ‘77, I asked I rode with him in his checker cab over cupation with sex. For example, when he him why he did it. “ Why?" said a startled Easter vacation; he took ten cents off a five started first grade and had to write a hun­ Benny. “ Because I wanted to see how the dollar fare. What a friend, what a pal! dred word paper on “ What Do You Want To Gentiles live! " Be When You Grow Up,” he got me to write Benny was an immediate hit with D.C. for him “Why I Want To Be A students. I guess he is most noted for being Continued from page 7 Gynecologist.” He got suspended from the track team's mascot. His specialty: cat­ segments of the articles, usually the part school, and I got grounded for a month. ching a shot-put with his teeth. All Benny where the Administration denies all the I’ll never forget what Benny got for his could say to me between catches was that charges. That's my favorite part - the hack­ Bar Mitzvah present - and I’m sure he’ll they tasted better than food service's meat­ ing, I mean.” never forget either. Fortunately for Benny balls. He also was on the ASCENT for a When asked what their future plans (unfortunately for the rest of society), he while as a part of the editorial staff; his would be now that their minds have been went down to the free clinic in time to pre: favorite line with new female reporters was. destroyed by drugs, the former Ascent staff vent any serious brain damage. “ Let’s go into the darkroom and see what had a unanimous answer: Despite his somewhat shabby ap­ develops.” “ We re going to be Administrators at pearance, Benny always was good with the Benny's hobbies included such Western-New York's.most'Career Oriented girls. I remember his Senior Prom when he stimulating activities as making up in­ Liberal Arts College.''-said the former As-- took out Shelly Lebowitz; she wasn’t the complètes from three sememesters ago, cent writer Linda (Devil) Doherty. "After all. prettiest thing in the world, but her old man playing ping-pong instead of going to class, that's what everybody else does.” seducing Ascent reporters (both male & May 1981 The DISSENT Page6 CUISINE CORNER DAMN LAND’S FOOD: HARD TO SWALLOW? Dinner-time dedscends upon the A) The main course usually consists of D) Desserts are usually made months in ad­ residents of Damnland College. Throughout some eatables which can be mass produc­ vance, thus inhibiting freshness: the vast campus, the sound of rumbling ed in a minute’s notice: 1) Cako-No respectable stripper would stomachs reverberates above Spring’s 1) Spaghetti & Meatballs-usually not too be caught jumping out of this cake. honeyed hum: some stomachs rumble with offensive. Pasta sometimes is a little stiff 2) Ppdding-lumpy, usually with shreds of hunger; others, with anticipation; the rest, and meatballs usually leaden and cold. waxed paper or an occasional hair. with fear! 2) Lasagna-consists of a two-inch thick 3) Donuts & Danish-usually pretty fair, ex­ As the seventeenth hour of the day draws piece of plaster board covered with molten cept when stale. Warning: the cream-filled near, long lines of mobbing masochists tomato sauce. donuts are suspect! return for still more punishment: the lesson 3) Ham-no outbreaks of trichinosis yet. 4) Jello-plain, tasteless gelatinous which lunch had attempted to teach them rumor has it that this leftover can be used to material with red, orange, yellow, green, or has already been forgotten. Each student patch worn shoes. blue food coloring added for aesthetic pur­ somberly identifies himself to the waiting 4) Chicken-left-over Colonel Sander's poses. i checkers, then begins the arduous task of stock. Grease can be wrung out of it like 5) Fruit Cup-nothing but Korean War vin­ securing his evening nourishment. water out of a soaked Handi-Wipe. tage canned fruit which has sometimes Having grabbed a tray, each resident stu­ 5) Steak & Cheese Sub-nicknamed by fermented. dent faces the gruesome decision of which several regional student groups: of the two or three uncomely comestibles Boston-“ Barf-bag Bombers" and "Greasy E) Beverages are the most positive at­ he wishes to have heaped upon his tray. But Grinders"; N.Y.C.-"Heaving Heroes"; tributes Choke Food Service has, since the the quest for securing nourishment has only Philadelphia-"Horrible Hoagies"; and drinks are virtually impossible to screw up: just begun: students from New York City Buffalo-“ Suicide Subs.” 1) Milk-pasterized and fresh. However, can fully appreciate the huge traffic jam 6) Chicken Chowmein-' Hari K a n " no one is absolutely certain whether or not created by the thralling crowd of tray- special. Japanese exchange students are it is cows’ milk or one of sundry other types jockeys vying for position at the silverware qorrect when they say, “ Chickie with lice of milk. bin. Should one escape unscathed, the dif­ not taste nice!” 2) Soft Drinks-sometimes carbonated ficulty of locating a familiar, friendly face 7) Stuffed Cabbage or Pig-in-a-Blanket-dog and never very cold. with whom to break bread and share in­ food rolled in dandelion leaves. 3) Coffee-made with last year’s damag­ digestion still remains. 8) Veal -to think those poor, sweet, little, ed Brazilian bean crop. 4) Tee-"Only in Canada, ay? Pity!-’ All of this fuss, and for what end? A meal innocent calves died for such an ignoble that starving Vietnamese boat people would cause. 5) Ice Water-recommended for those students smart enough to bring in their own sail past, hungry house pets would hide 9) Seafood Surprise-breaded Australian from, and inmates at San Quentan prison shark or sea otter meat. ice tea and soft drink mixes. would riot over? TO) Steak-only the best cuts from USDA As any semi-educated individual can The following is a letter one freshman approved beef which has been hit by readily see, the freshman student faces a student, in an act of desperation, sent several trucks. grave dilemma. The rest of the student body home: B) Secondary foods (used for lunches as has had its tastebuds annihilated semesters “ Dear Mom and Dad: ago. Everything here at Damnland is just well as side dishes) and soups are hurriedly cooked since, after all, they are secondary: But who really should care? No matter super. The people are great, my classes are 1) Hamburgers-about the same quality as how good or bad the food is, it all comes out going well and I've lost ten pounds in the the same in the end! last week. It’s not that the food is all that McDonald's. Definitely not in the same bad, but I just don’t seem to like anything league as Burger King and Wendy's.. 2) Hot Dogs-Food Service hot dogs ex­ the Choke Food Service serves. I can’t understand it --1 used to eat everything you ceed federal ceilings on rodent snouts, tails, and excrement by no less than 15%. cooked, Mom. 3) Fish Chowder Soup-made from the Well, I hope everyone is O.K. where you are. Say hi to Chet and Mike for me. And best Army Corps of Engineers’ Lake Erie send me $50 more a month so I can eat out. dredgings. 4) Vegetable Soup-Spoiled vegetables Love, are boiled until sterilized, then served up as Brian” soup. Five days later, a telegram is sent: 5) Chicken Soup-0 K., except for an oc­ casional feather or three. “ Dear Mom & Dad:(stop) 6) Pizza-almost forgot this is sometimes Where the hell is the $50.(stop) I lied: the a good dish. Quality is dependent on the food here is horrible and I'm dying of starva­ F.S. employee who makes it. Most times is tion. (stop) Wire money immediately or card-boardie and cold. else! (stop) Tell Chet and Mike to send a care C) Salads are made with somewhat fresh package or two soon, or I’ll write their lettuce and are often enriched with other mothers and tell them about the time we delights: burglarized old man Fletcher's store.(stop) 1) ‘‘Turtle’’ Lottuce Surprise-made with Desperately your,(stop) the endive lettuce turtles eat at the Brian(end)’’ aquarium and restaurants use as garnish. “ TLS" is used when California iceburg let­ It is unfortunate, indeed, that freshmen, tuce is in short supply. unaccustomed to institutionalized food, 2) Tomato Surprise-The surprise comes UNSUSPECTING should be driven to such extremes. The when you actually find a tomato that isn’t following description of Damnland’s food smashed beyond recognition. PARENTS AWAIT may make it easier for laymen and parents 3) “Bottom of the Barrel’’ Salad-what is left SAMPLES OF alike more fully to understand and sym- when you arrive ten minutes before the end phathize with the unwary freshman resident of dinner. ALLEGED “FOOD.” I student. Page 5 The DISSENT May 1981 True Story Behind Cafeteria Food Fight Revealed

by Reynaldo Santini were the most culpable for the current “ Then things began to escalate. You’d no An ugly incident that recently occurred in situation, it was deemed wise to cut them sooner step into the shower and a few Wick Cafeteria has been purposely covered off. million of them would gang up and steal up by administration and Food Service of­ SA officials watched with pride as the your towel, tip over your shampoo, or turn ficials, the DISSENT has learned this week. new shortened shower curtains were in­ the water all the way to Hot or Cold. Feel­ What has been called a “ food war” and stalled. They even presented awards to ings were soon polarized along biological "cafeteria free-for-all” was merely the those “ zealots of noble motivation” whom lines.” culmination of a very serious problem which the administration forced to execute the Calamity, which by its very nature can has existed in the dorms for years. shearing of the curtains. The curtains were only grow larger, began to present an in­ The showers in more than 85% of cam­ creasingly unpleasant visage to Scoop and pus dormitories span a good seven feet his dormates in House 64. Microbes, which from sill to curtain rod: one would assume were no larger than horse-chestnuts a few that it would be expedient to provide shower weeks before, became as large as St. Ber­ curtains which approximate the said span. nards. Scoop X. concluded: As you probably surmised, such is not the “ They seem friendly enough when you case. meet one of them alone; get a bunch of It seems that the constant intimate con­ them together and it gets a bit hairy. Just tact of shower curtain and sill provides a turn your back on more than three of them fair approximation of low-cost, high rise and you are looking to get stomped. You housing for sundry types of microbes. After wake up later with your wallet, watch and two weeks of warm, moist cultivation, most cigarettes gone. Then they expect you to be dormitory bathrooms began to smell pretty friendly when they want to borrow some ripe. rolling papers or a Dylan album. And they’re The situation called for immediate action: given to loud parties and playing music into SA’s president demanded that the problem the wee hours of the morning. be studied and then rectified by those cam­ “ Things sort of came to a head when a pus agencies directly involved. The deligation of Trychophyton mentagrophytes College’s keenest minds were involved in presented a list of their demands. Now they long investigation, lengthy debate, and in­ want their own page in the DISSENT, a dorm tuitive cognitional discussion. In a hard of their own, special representation on SA, fought battle, the “ spontaneous and for Food Service to discontinue serving generation” faction won out and issued meals which reflect their heritage.” their findings. The DISSENT has learned that this letter In a handsome, morocco-bound volume most demand is what caused the dining hall (soon available in paperback), with notes, il­ incident which was hushed up by Food Ser­ lustrations, color prints, extensive vice and college officials. The bactilli had bibliography and exhaustive introduction by all short of the sill by six healthy inches demanded that mushrooms, wine, beer, a gentleman named Vesalius, entitled which, by the concensus of all present, was vinegar, blue cheese and a few other items “ Codes Juris Vitae Summae,” they too high for the microbes to jump. be removed from the Food Service menu presented their solution. An extract That same night, however, a drawback which, of course, was never done. therefrom reads: became evident: the floor was under an A table of the creatures had just started inch of water, splashed out from beneath dinner on the evening of May 1st when a girl “ Since the combination of a moist the curtains. The drain, being the highest at a nearby table poured some sour cream climate and fiberous matter shall be shown part of the floor, was a solitary island in a on a steaming-hot baked potato. A Strep- to produce an insidious habitation of small crystaline sea - a nice tempid, cruddy, tococus lactis (they run the biggest of any creatures, spawned from the very soul, the moldy, scummy, yucky crystaline sea. of them) stood up and screamed, “ That very prime-form of matter, just as mice are The following is a narrative of events could have been somebody’s mother, you spawned by the marriage of grain and rags following the curtain raising, as told by !” $±?z ? & & 1/2 !!(!)- X [+ + !..$!)©” and as frogs from mud and rushes of a lake, Scoop X: Well, I won’t go into the details of the we have only to remove the fiberous matter “ The sea remained there for sometime unpleasant melee which ensued. Suffice it a distance from the moistness of the floor to afterward. The tide rolled in from 7 to 11 to say that a bad time was had by all. remove the origin of the contagion. Shortly a.m. and slowly evaporated until occasional Again, SA and the administration came to thereafter, the rest shalt die of loneliness pools were left scattered around the room recognize that the situation had gotten out and microbial squabbling.” at about 4:00 a.m. the next day. Then at of hand and that immediate action was Plans were submitted in great number 7:00 a.m. it’s ‘Surf’s up!' and it started all necessary to alleviate the crisis which they dealing with lowering the bottom of the over. had unwittingly created. Three days after shower until a philosophical snag rent the “ At first, it only smelled bad -- like most the cafeteria incident, long-wave ultraviolet timbers from that ship of progress: that is, tidal flats at ebb. Then came the scum, the lights were installed in the afflicted shower what could be lower than the bottom? Plans greasy, oily kind that you couldn’t actually rooms to dispatch the little bastards. This for raising the top soon ran afoul on the very see, but could easily feel. Then came the reporter and House 64 residents crowded same shoal. green film. Next came individual organisms around the bathroom door for nearly an Dark clouds of puzzlement swirled over lolling about in the water or reclining on the hour after the lights were turned on. Hopes the convention until one bright ray broke beach around the drain. faded when a runty bacillus pushed his way through: the answer was to simply shorten, “ It wasn’t great having these bacteria through the crowded shower room door the curtain. But how was this to be ac­ under foot in the first place, but soon we with a case of Coppertone. complished? Was the excess to be trimmed became the targets of their defamatory With summer vacation coming, who from the top?... the bottom?...cut from the remarks. It was impossible to keep from knows what’s going to happen? In the end, middle and the two halves sewn together? stepping on one now and then -- only the Daemen College may have to admit them This impass was resolved after lengthy most callous among us failed to recognize under a government program. However, debate: since the bottoms were the foul their distress and we took pains to try to this reporter will never share a room with agents generating these creatures and avoid stepping on their, eh....heads. one. May 1981 The DISSENT Page 4 TALES OF DAEMEN BUS An illegal betting pool has been un­ anonymous, should send $50 in unmarked THE TUBE covered on campus. Bets were being plac­ bills to the DISSENT office. ed on how long the Daemen College bus will Ron Hunter, Vice President for Student TOP 10 SHOWS, PICKS & PUKES last. Affairs, who is believed to be connected by Chip Santini The bets ranged anywhere from “ 3:00 with the purchase of the bus, had this to say by Chip Santini this afternoon,” to “ when Hell freezes when he was called very early this morning: As usual, our readers send in their over.” “ I don't know anything. But the President favorite Top 10 TV shows from last week. A The initiators of the pool are now being has every confidence that I won’t tell you it large concentration of results came from a tracked down. The DISSENT has learned (the bus) came from a friend of his and was small institution in Amherst, N.Y., just out­ exclusively that they are heading toward purchased for $5000 from tuition kick side of Buffalo. Here are the Top Ten pro­ Lake Erie. (By the way, this is not, in any backs. Uh, don’t print that.” grams of last week as rated by students at way whatsoever, an attempt to lead in­ President Marshall, when questioned Daemen College, a pool of intelligence: vestigators away from our office.) about Mr. Hunter’s comments, had this to The history of the bus is fairly boring, but say: “ Why that #%$* Hunter! I’ll have his 1) Mork and Mindy let’s mention it anyway. #$*ing #$% for this. Uh...don’t print that.” 2) Bowling for Dollars The idea of the bus was initally greeted 3) Happy Days with enthusiasm, but students began to ex­ EDITOR’S NOTE: Although we realize Dr. 4) Three’s Company press concern when the bus was actually Marshall may be embarrassed because he 5) Gilligan's Island purchased. hasn’t learned his profanity words, the DIS­ 6) Hee Haw “ We had no idea where the bus came SENT is fully aware (from watching various 7) Lawrence Welk from...it’s falling apart and was probably movies and television shows,) of our rights. 8) Brady Bunch/Brides (tie) purchased from a junk yard. Also, no one And that we can quote anything anyone 9) That’s Incredible will tell us where the money came from or tells us and still be protected by the law if 10) Charlie’s Angels how much it cost. It looks like more money they don’t expressly say that they are Also, this week for the first time, here are was spent on the spray can paint job than speaking off the record, or if the reporter top Canadian television shows: what the bus could ever be worth,” said one doesn’t hear them say that part. 1) Hockey Night in Canada student, who, if he wants to remain 2) Bowling for Dollars 3) Tuesday Night at the Curling Rink 4) Roller Derby 5) Wrestling 6) Wednesday Night Moose Hunt 7) Blue Jays Baseball 8) TV Bingo 9) Thursday Night Caribou Hunt 10) Friday at the CBC Opera and Square Dance Hall

If you want to participate in next week’s “ Top Ten TV Shows” survey, send the names of your ten favorite shows and $10. or the equal amount in liquor or mind­ expanding drugs to: Tales of the Tube High Above the Alibi Lounge 69 Chippewa Street Buffalo, N.Y. 14109 PICKS AND PUKES The Waltons (8 p.m., CBS) In order to raise needed money to prevent foreclosure on their house, Olivia starts hustling on the thur Godfrey. Hosts: Curt Gowdy and Deb­ Paper Chase (10 p.m., PBS) Prof. Kingsfield streets of Roanoke; meanwhile, Jim Bob bie Boone. is appointed to the Supreme Court; Bell catches John Boy committing an unnatural Lassie (9 p.m., CBS) Special two hour final finally admits to his friends that yes, he is act behind the sawmill. episode. The series’ twenty year run is con­ from Buffalo, N.Y.; Logan announces her Midnight Special (1 a m , NBC) Jim Mor­ cluded in this last episode when Lassie is engagement to one of her teachers and a rison, Janis Joplin, Jimmy Hendrix, Duane run over by a snow plow in Idaho. distraught Hart commits suicide. Allman, Keith Moon, John Lennon, and solid Archie Bunkers Place (8 p.m., CBS) Mike, Lou Grant (10 p.m., CBS) Lou and the Trib gold with Buddy Holly & the Big Bopper. after years of verbal abuse from Archie, do an expose on Cuban homo farms and Host: Bobby Darin. goes beserk at the annual family reunion, Billie contracts Toxic Shock while in­ Marcus Welby, M.D. (11:30 p.m., Channel tortures Archie and the others and then vestigating the T.S. Syndrome. 4)- *Rerun*. Dr. Welby has an epileptic fit murders them with an electric carving knife. Three’s Company (9 p.m., ABC) The show while performing open heart surgery and They are ground up in Edith’s old meat folds when Suzanne Sommers returns to punctures the patient’s left ventricle; Dr. grinder and sold as ground sirloin at Mike’s play Chrissy. Kiley is arrested in Tijuana for performing Dad’s polish sausage shop. Dynasty (9 p.m., ABC) Blake is imprisoned unlicensed abortions in a motel room. Dallas (10 p.m., CBS) Cliff Barnes gets the for life; Stephen marries Claudia; Mathew American Sportsman (3 p.m., Sunday, ABC) D.A.'s office to indict J.R. in the rape and marries Crystal; Steve and Matt take over Puppy drowing in the Chicago River with murder of a 13 year old Jehovah’s Witness; Carrington Enterprises; Phalen becomes a Candice Bergen and Telly Savalas; .44 Jock and Pamela run off the Virgin Islands stripper at a local Denver bar. magnum robin and sparrow shoot with Ar- together during J.R.'s trial. Page 3 The DISSENT May 1981 Hundreds Of Students Are Tortured In Useless Experiments by Trip Santini Upwards of 1,200 students are needless­ ly tortured each year at Daemen College, the DISSENT has learned. Acting on information supplied by the DISSENT, the Daemen College Student Association has introduced legislation aim­ The Stealth Gymnasium ed at ending the atrocities. “ I’m outraged,” Student Association Ribbon cutting ceremonies were held ribbon. The crowd contained their excite­ President Russell Micoli said. "This matter early this morning in front of Dun Scotus ment. will be of the utmost concern to next year’s Hall at Daemen College to dedicate the While college officials patted each administration. The thought of causing un­ opening of the new gymnasium. other’s backs, a voice, believed to belong to necessary pain to students Is just awful,” “ Through the efforts of the college and the lone alumnus attending, shouted, “ But he continued, “ and neither I nor S.A. will numerous anonymous donations, we at where IS the gym?” rest until the situation is rectified.” long last have a gym,” President Robert S. The small crowd had failed to notice that DISSENT reporters have uncovered Marshall commented during the ceremony. the front lawn was empty, and no construc­ numerous examples of student mistreat­ Among the noted dignitaries attending tion had ever taken place. ment: the ceremony were the mayor of Amherst, Representatives of the Daemen College Despite the fact that Daemen College coliege officials - too few to list -- trustee Radical Association (DCRA), suddenly students pay for their education, they are members, and one alumnus. Also present made an appearance and demanded an ex­ forced to take 9 hours of “ religion and were five men wearing dark suits who arriv­ planation. philosophy courses” during their four year ed in large, black limosines. Dr. Marshall looked shaken and im­ stay at the institution. Innocent though they “ We should congratulate ourselves for mediately retired to the sanctuary of the sound, techniques not unlike brainwashing, bringing the project in under budget,” Dr. first floor board room. He was followed by and “ testing” are used to indoctrinate Marshall said. the college Vice Presidents. They could not students and break their spirits. While “ We should congratulate ourselves for be reached for comment. reports are still incomplete, DISSENT bringing the project in under budget,” One member of the DCRA speculated on reporters have linked a man named Thomas Patricia Curtis, V.P. for Academic Affairs, the situation, “ It appears that Dr. Marshall Aquinas to the “ courses.” said. has been wrapped up in this project for so Experiments have been conducted in the “ We should congratulate ourselves for long he failed to notice that construction Daemen College cafeteria in which bringing the project in under budget,” was never started. His vision of the facility Daemen students are employed as test sub­ Ronald Hunter, V.P. for Student Affairs, has obviously taken control of his optical jects. Strange combinations of what ap­ said. outlook. And naturally his influence and opi­ pears to be “ food” are forced upon resi­ Ken Murray, Athletic Director, com­ nion have spread throughout the college. dent students -- often the various types of mented on the beautiful architecture of the However, I think he should be con­ “ food” are given exotic names in an at­ building and congratulated everyone for br­ gratulated for bringing in the project well tempt to confuse and attract unwary inging the project in under budget. under budget.” students. “ This is a fine structure and will solve all The DISSENT has started its own in­ In an apparent attempt to study students’ our problems,” Marshall said as he cut the vestigation into the matter. social behavior, administrators encourage strange affairs called “socials” or “ mixers,” mass gatherings marked by the presence of unbearable decible levels, free­ UFO ARTICLE FROM ly flowing “ beer,” and violent twisting mo­ tion on the part of the participants. In­ terestingly, each person who enters a “ mix­ PAGE ONE er” receives a stamp on his hand. The list of abuses is almost endless, and DISSENT undercover investigators say more disclosures are in the works. CONTINUED HERE... “ There are many questions which need of the government’s UFO files in “ Even with solid evidence such as this, to be answered,” said Micoli. “ Are these Washington a few years ago. the government has only to say we’re at­ activities really necessary? Who is behind “ Unfortunately, the plans we have are tempting a hoax and most people will all this? What is the best way to stop these fragmentary and most of it can’t be believe them,” said Sean O’Baloney. “ But experiments once and for all? My ad­ deciphered,” said Mrs. O’Baloney. “ But the mark my works: An attack in early May is ministration will not rest until we are suffi­ sections that our computers were able to imminent, with invasion forces occupying ciently satisfied.” translate mentioned Daemen College by the areas we already mentioned prior to a Micoli said that DISSENT readers could name. Also, someone by the name of worldwide assault. Just pray that your stu­ help to pass the legislation he is sponsoring Robert Mars..., which is all of the fragment dent body has recessed for summer vaca­ by writing to Alexander Haig. “ We need all we could decipher, is their area spy here in tion before the bloodshed begins.” the help we can get,” he concluded. Western New York.” May 1981 The DISSENT Page 2 WHERE WERE THEY? by Devil Santini anyone else in attendance, he replied, Ordinarily, friends, alumni, and trustees “ Why not? We'd thought we’d do this one of Daemen College gather to attend the An­ for the Gipper.” Nevertheless, he maintain­ nual President’s Scholarship Dinner with ed that he did spy two people sitting in the proceeds to be used as financial aid for in­ back while he was presenting his speech. coming students. But there was something He was told, though, they were only intact, unusual about the dinner this year. No one yet misplaced, monkey cadavers. was there. But keep reading anyway. Those The dinner featured many tasty morsels who bothered to be present were Dr. R. S. with fancy French names that I won’t try to Mashall, President of the College, the Presi­ spell, much less pronounce. A represen­ dent of the Board of Trustees, whoever he tative from Case Foods Service, the caterer is, and two cleaning ladies, known only as for the event, was queried as to where the Gladys and Stella. untouched entrees would go. She replied Attempts were made to contact the ex­ they would be saved for next year’s dinner pected, yet absent, dinner-goers. It was or Dr. Marshall’s retirement banquet, determined that such attempts were whichever is later. When the question was greeted by phone clicks, operator recor­ posed why the “ leftovers" didn't go to the dings, or exclamations of surprise and/or in­ students the next day, she retorted “ OH quiry, the most notable one being, “ What’s NO! All that good food to students?! We a Daemen?” were perfectly happy to give them However, some were contacted but did meatloaf.” Upon hearing this comment a not want their identities to be known for fear student passer-by exclaimed “ What?! of being identified by the local authorities. Meatloaf again?!” Their reasons for not attending were by and Various people were reached as to what large because they had higher priorities, the outcome of no one’s appearing at the such as planting tomatoes, going to an AAA $150-or-so/plate dinner would be. Some Curtis Signs little league game, and watching MASH said the Dean would not be able to re­ reruns. One replied that country club bills decorate her office in Early American New were due this month and such financial Wave, (see related story) Others remarked With B—52’s limitations kept him from attending. there wouldn’t be a parking lot for the new Patricia C. Curtis, Vice President for In addition, one Western New York Con­ Gym. Most were in agreement that the Academic Affairs at Daemen College, has gressman said he was too busy promoting President would have to put off buying a joined the B-52’s, a popular punk rock band, federal budget cuts of students loans and new set of golf clubs for another year. grants and that attending would be against an official source revealed late yesterday To prove, however, that the evening was evening. his principles. not a total waste, the estimated two people "This has been something Ms. Curtis has It was disclosed that many, if not all, of who were there (Stella fell asleep during been considering for sometime,” the the top administration officials were engag­ one of the speeches, and Gladys was drink­ source said. "She didn’t leave because ed in an important closed-door meeting and ing herself silly with gin & tonics) readily someone forced her to or anything. She therefore could not attend the dinner. It was gave of themselves to the fund. They wanted to leave.” later found out they were watching up-to- mustered up $1.74, a mothball, and an old Various rumors concerning Ms. Curtis date media presentations of early TV, that “ Nixon for President” button. and her alleged relationship to the B-52’s being “ Gilligan Gets Caught in the Red Officials in charge of the event hoped have been circulating recently when Tide,” followed by “ Gomer Pyle Smuggles that this would not happen again. But just to students claimed to have heard strains of Dope.” be cautious, they slated next year's event in "Rock Lobster,” one of the group’s most When Dr. Marshall was asked why the Oddy Lounge with coffee and doughnuts. dinner went on as planned even without recognized songs, coming from Curtis's of­ And Gladys and Stella will be there. fice. Sources close to Ms. Curtis claim she had been contemplating the career change for sometime. A graduate of Rosary Hill Col­ VP Learns Presidents Name lege and later a music professor at RHC, Still another major break through in EDITOR'S NOTE: This just in before press she will now be able to publicly display her education has occured at Daemen College, time, Hunter speaking before educational knowledge of music. But the clincher that official sources revealed. experts: finally swayed her was the fact she would After months of testing experimental ” l was happy to participate in the experi­ not have to change her wardrobe or learning methods in the Child Development ment. And the Pres. ...Oh! excuse hairstyle. Center, Ronald Hunter, Vice-President for me...haha...Nixon was very pleased with the The B-52's commented on the acquisition Student Affairs, has learned President whole situation.” of their new member, “ We wanted Patty Robert S. Marshall’s name. Experts immediately discredited all from the start, but she refused to rehearse Since his arrival at Daemen, Mr. Hunter claims of success. It appears that Hunter, in the blood letting room of funeral home.” has only refered to Marshall as "The Presi­ instead of learning Pres. Marshall’s name, Ms. Curtis will be leaving for Athens, dent.” has learned the name of former U.S. Pres. Georgia at the end of the semester. After a At first it was rumored that there was a Richard M. Nixon. few weeks' rehearsal she will go on the clause in Hunter’s contract, put in at the re­ All experiments in the new learning road with the 52’s. No Buffalo date has quest of Marshall, that forbade Hunter's techniques have ceased. This incident con­ been set. directly using the Pres.’s name. firmed fears that if the method was not ex^ Student reactions to the news of Curtis’s However, it was recently learned that ecuted properly it could leave irreparable departure were varied. “ I think it is a Hunter was only suffering from a learning damage definite plus for the college,” commented disability. one student, "but I don't think the rest of The therapy has proven successful Next Mr. Hunter's wife, Martha Mitchell, could the world is ready for Bee Hive Patty. The week Hunter will be working on his wife's not be reached for comment on how this is world of music may be set back name. affecting their family life. drastically.” vom, no. 1 Damn College, Harris Hill, N.Y. Today’s Date STAFF GOES CRAZY by Scoop Santini The entire staff of the ASCENT has gone crazy, Daemen College Administration sources revealed today. In an attempt to discover the cause of this catastrophe, the DISSENT conducted an exclusive interview with the now totally insane ASCENT staff because no one else really wanted to speak with them. “ It was alcohol and drugs mostly,” said former Co-Editor-In-Chief Brian Mulally, who then added: “ Uh . . . but don’t print that.” “ It all started when Ronald Reagan got elected,” the other former Co-Editor-In- Chief Susan Pries confided. “ We were all so depressed we went on a drinking binge, and I guess we never really stopped.” NEW STUDENTS ARRIVE FOR FALL SEMESTER When asked if the Ascent Staff drank ex­ cessively, former Cartoonist Michael (Scam) Scamacca commented: “ Are you UFO ATTACK ON COLLEGE serious? We make the Pants Down DUE AT ANY TIME Republicans look like a bunch of tea- wife, told the DISSENT. “ We’re posing a totalers.” by Spence Santini serious threat to their existence with our When asked if alcohol consumption af­ Invaders from another world are prepar­ careless use of atomic energy and nuclear fected the quality of the Ascent, former ing an all-out attack on earth, top UFO ex­ weapons. They may have no other choice Graphic Designer Jamie Kubala said: perts told the DISSENT this week. In fact, the but to stop us.” “ Sure. You don’t think we could do this if we U.S. Air Force even has a copy of the inva­ The O’Baloneys base their claims of ex­ were straight, do you?” sion plans, which was discovered in the traterrestrial invasion on a computer Advertising Editor Thomas A. Domino wreckage of a UFO in Arizona. analysis of data obtained from recently described the Ascent Staff’s descent into “ Snyder, N.Y., has been singled out by declassified U.S. government files. A low- madness. our computers as the most likely point for level government employee, who is a “ First,” said Domino, “ we’d have our an attack on the United States,” and a Buf­ member of Close Encounters IV, stumbled meeting and would usually knock off about falo attorney Sean O’Baloney, member of across the plans while going through some two quarts of Black Velvet. Then we would Close Encounters IV, a group that studies decide what to write about, kind of.” UFO’s. Continued on page 3 Former Ascent writer Lynn Madden ex­ “ Other attacks will probably come from plained further: “ We don’t really get too points in Columbia, Australia, France, Saudi NOTICE TO THE PULITZER PRIZE many ideas when we’re drunk. So, we Arabia and Northern Russia. These invasion usually drop some acid ... urn ... but Brian points are spots where our world touches COMMITTEE (and the college com- said not to print that.” the extradimensional world of UFO beings.” munity)--lt is with deep regret that “ When the articles come back from the Close Encounter IV members believe that we are forced to take this publica­ printer,” commented former Layout Editor our world co-exists with at least one other tion out of the committee’s con­ Howard Kubicki, “ we would do up some planet which, because of different elec­ sideration. But, we have to admit, martinis and quaaludes and then throw tromagnetic vibrations, is beyoun our everything down on the pages. To make the senses. none of the stories in this publica­ articles fit, we’d have to hack away whole “ Although we cannot see or touch this tion is true. They are all fictitious world, what we do to ours affects theirs,” and are intended for humorous Continued on page 7 Eunice O’Baloney, Sean’s psychologist purposes only.

Marshall Merger Plan 5th Annual Director of Student NOT IN Elvis Look Alike Contest Life Interview Woman Boils Baby PDR Arrested for (We can’t tell Howard Hughes and John you here.) THIS ISSUE. Lennon Interview