Running head: PET LOSS 1
Utilizing Individual Psychology to Understand Attachment and Pet Loss
A Literature Review
Presented to
The Faculty of the Adler Graduate School
______
In Partial Fulfillment of the Requirement for
The Degree of Master of Arts in
Adlerian Counseling and Psychotherapy
______
By
Jenelle L. Pangborn
Chair: Rachelle J. Reinisch, DMFT
Reader: Meg Whiston, PhD
______
September 2019
PET LOSS 2
Utilizing Individual Psychology to Understand Attachment and Pet Loss
Copyright © 2019
Jenelle L. Pangborn
All rights reserved PET LOSS 3
Abstract
A large number of households in the United States have pets and consider their pets part of the family. Pets are a source of unconditional love, affection, and support. Many people are very attached to their pets, and when their pet dies, they experience intense grief. While grief over the loss of a pet is common, this grief often goes unrecognized, which can cause feelings of shame and anger and result in unresolved grief. Mental health professionals can help people cope with grief associated with pet loss by normalizing the grief, recognizing the important role pets hold within families, teaching coping skills, and utilizing Adlerian concepts such as social interest, encouragement, and the crucial Cs.
Keywords: Pet loss, grief and loss, pet attachment, pets, disenfranchised grief, Individual
Psychology, Adlerian PET LOSS 4
Acknowledgments
I would like to acknowledge my friends and family for all their support through this journey. Thank you to everyone who was there to grieve with me after Horton died. My partner,
Nathan Wiebold, thank you for being patient and understanding and encouraging me to keep going when I felt overwhelmed and needed help moving forward. I am grateful for my dad who believed I can do anything I put my mind to, and for my mom, who always pushed me to go for what I want and to take chances. Without both of you, I would not have the courage to be imperfect. I want to thank Meg Whiston for being my reader. A special thank you to my chairperson, Dr. Rachelle Reinisch. She encouraged me through this whole writing process, and she was always there to calm my anxieties about this Master’s Project. Without her understanding and caring attitude when Horton died, I don’t know if I would have had the courage I needed to choose this topic for my project. PET LOSS 5
Dedication
I dedicate this paper to my dog, Horton; he was best friend and my baby. Horton died
October 19, 2018, a month before his 12th birthday. My dad taught me at a young age that a dog can “choose” you. I didn’t know what that meant until I met Horton. I went to a pet store not planning to adopt a dog; I just wanted to play with some cute puppies. Horton “chose” me that day, and after that connection, I had to have him. Before I left the store, I had named him and was trying to figure out how I could adopt a pug as a poor undergrad college student who lived in a rental that didn’t allow pets. With the help of my sister and my mom I managed to adopt
Horton.
Horton was a happy, loyal, smart, and stubborn pug. He was trained, but only did things on command if he thought it benefited him in some way. Thankfully, he was very food motivated. Horton loved attention of any kind; he would wag his tail at the sound of my laugh and loved everyone, but he always chose me over anyone else. He was silly and loved to wear costumes and clothes because of the attention it got him. When I was gone for more than a day, he would race around the room at his top speed to celebrate, but then, he would pout and refuse to sit with me for the next half hour to show he was mad at me for leaving him. Horton always knew when I was upset and would immediately come to me and wouldn’t leave my side until I was feeling better.
Horton loved life and was always happy to do whatever as long as he was with his people and had someone to snuggle or play with. I could go on forever about all the ways he was special and how he impacted my life in so many ways. I know I will always miss him, and I was lucky to have many people in my life who mourned Horton with me. PET LOSS 6
Table of Contents Attachment Theory ...... 9 Anxious ...... 10 Avoidant ...... 11 Secure ...... 12 Pet Ownership, Families, and Attachment ...... 13 Physical Benefits of Family Pets ...... 14 Psychological Benefits of Family Pets ...... 14 Social Benefits of Family Pets ...... 16 Pet Loss ...... 17 Grief and Loss ...... 19 Denial...... 20 Anger...... 20 Bargaining...... 21 Depression...... 22 Acceptance...... 22 Attachment and Loss...... 23 Anxious attachment and loss...... 24 Avoidant attachment and loss...... 24 Disenfranchised Grief ...... 25 Coping with Loss ...... 27 Children...... 29 Adolescents and adults...... 30 Individual Psychology ...... 31 Social Interest...... 32 Encouragement ...... 32 Goals of Misbehavior ...... 33 Undue attention...... 33 Power...... 34 Revenge...... 34 Inadequacy...... 34 Crucial Cs...... 35 Connection...... 35 PET LOSS 7
Capable...... 35 Count...... 36 Courage...... 36 Discussion ...... 36 Implications for Practice ...... 38 Recommendations for Future Research ...... 47 Conclusion ...... 47 References ...... 49 Appendix ...... 55
PET LOSS 8
Utilizing Individual Psychology to Understand Attachment and Pet Loss
Many people consider their pets a part of the family (Irvine & Cilia, 2017). Pets can be significant attachment figures for many people, and for some who are insecurely attached, it can be easier to create a secure attachment with a pet (Carr & Rockett 2017). Pets provide many emotional, social, and physical benefits (Mills & Hall, 2014), so it seems likely that after the death of a pet, a person may struggle emotionally, socially, and physically.
The grief people feel after the loss of a pet is proportional to their level of attachment to the pet (Hess-Holden, Monaghan, & Justice, 2017). The pet can play many different roles in families, and their deaths can cause shifts in the family system (Turner, 2005). When people grieve the loss of a pet, they experience Kubler-Ross’s (1969) stages of grief in the same way they would a human loss (Brown & Symons, 2016). Many pet families do not receive the social support they need when grieving, which leaves these unsupported families struggling to accept and cope with the loss (Cordaro, 2012). Without mourning customs for pets, people often do not know how to cope with pet loss (Wong, Lau, Liu, Yuen, & Wing-Lok, 2017).
The purpose of this project is to understand families’ attachments to their pets, normalize feelings of grief over the loss of a pet, and explore coping skills. Additionally, Adlerian concepts such as the mistaken goals of misbehavior, the crucial Cs (i.e., connection, courage, count, capable), encouragement, and social interest (Griffith & Powers, 2007) will be used to increase awareness and understanding of the possible impacts of a pet death. Furthermore, application of these Adlerian concepts may aid in decreasing negative behaviors with grief associated with the loss of a pet.
PET LOSS 9
Attachment Theory
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth developed attachment theory through the integration of psychoanalytic theory and behavioral theory (Crittenden, 2017). Bowlby focused on the ability of humans to create relationships and coined the term attachment. Bowlby theorized that children will seek contact with their attachment figures, especially when children may be tired, hungry, sick, or fearful (as cited in Hong & Park, 2012). Ainsworth focused on the differences in the quality of those attachments (as cited in Crittenden, 2017). According to Hong and Park
(2012), Ainsworth found attachment is built between the caregiver and the child when the caregiver provides physical care, emotional care, and affection to the child. Ainsworth (1989) stated attachment cannot be replaced or interchanged, and a need exists to remain close to the caregiver. Attachments are affectionate bonds; therefore, distress is present upon separation from the attachment figure, joy exists when reunited, and grief is evident with the loss of an attachment figure (Ainsworth, 1989).
Attachment theorists believe a person is shaped by childhood interactions with an adult caregiver (Campbell & Marshall, 2011). The childhood interactions with adult caregivers develop the perception of self, others, and relationships. This perception affects individuals throughout life (Campbell & Marshall, 2011; Sutton, 2019). These childhood beliefs inform an individual’s perception of how attachment figures will respond to various life situations
(Campbell & Marshall, 2011). A sequence of reactions has been identified in both children who have been separated from their primary caregiver and adults who lost a spouse (Connors, 2011).
The sequence begins with anxiety and panic, then depression and lethargy, and ends with reorganization and recovery. According to Connors (2011), the attachment bond is crucial for PET LOSS 10 human survival, and attachment-related losses result in the most distress and disruption in a person’s life.
Infants immediately begin to construct self-protective strategies in different contexts.
The self-protective strategies are used with attachment figures to thrive and avoid threats
(Ainsworth, 1989; Crittenden, 2017), and those strategies lead to different types of attachment.
There are three different attachment types: anxious, avoidant, and secure (Ainsworth, 1989).
Attachment type appears mostly stable from infancy into adulthood; however, some researchers found that attachment can change as a result of childhood experiences (Sutton, 2019). When children show signs of insecure attachment, they are more likely to have fewer social skills, lower levels of communication, and a higher risk of psychopathology (Hong & Park, 2012).
Adults with insecure attachment tend to be overrepresented in clinically diagnosed groups and are at an elevated risk for drug and alcohol use problems (Wilhelmsson Göstas, Wiberg,
Engström, & Kjellin, 2012). Psychotic diagnoses such as mood disorders, anxiety disorders, eating disorders, and personality disorders have been associated with insecure attachment
(Wilhelmsson Göstas et al., 2012).
Anxious
An anxious attachment is developed when an infant is uncertain of the availability of the attachment figure due to inconsistent care (Campbell & Marshall, 2011). When an anxious attachment is developed, the infant will display anxiety even when the attachment figure is present. The infant will closely monitor the attachment figure’s behavior, presence, and availability (Campbell & Marshall, 2011; Hong & Park, 2012). The anxiously attached infant will attempt to maintain proximity to the attachment figure and have little exploratory behavior
(Campbell & Marshall, 2011). When the attachment figure leaves, the infant will become very PET LOSS 11 upset, and when the attachment figure returns, the infant will remain upset and uncomforted
(Hong & Park, 2012).
An anxiously attached adult struggles to regulate emotions and may struggle with depression or aggressiveness due to the dysregulation (Sutton, 2019). In times of stress, an anxiously attached adult will exhibit intense negative emotion and obsess over the thought of abandonment (Campbell & Marshall, 2011). In relationships, anxiously attached people crave emotional support, closeness, and reassurance from their partners and will excessively rely on their partners (Campbell & Marshall, 2011; Connors, 2011; Sutton, 2019). Anxiously attached people will constantly worry about rejection or abandonment and are preoccupied with monitoring their partners for waning emotional or physical closeness (Campbell & Marshall,
2011; Connors, 2011). Anxiously attached people tend to obsess over their relationships, display jealousy, and idealize their partners (Connors, 2011; Sutton, 2019).
Anxiously attached people report greater distress, anxiety, and impulsiveness in social interactions (Campbell & Marshall, 2011). In addition, anxiously attached people experience more intense feelings and have more highs and lows in their relationships (Campbell & Marshall,
2011). Connors (2011) reported that in contrast to the securely attached, anxiously attached people experience more suicidal behavior, borderline personality disorder, obsessive jealousy, and prolonged and disabling grief reactions to relational loss.
Avoidant
An avoidant attachment is developed when infant needs are not met, and the attachment figure is consistently unresponsive or unavailable (Campbell & Marshall, 2011). Due to the unavailable attachment figure, the infant becomes independent and seeks little contact with the attachment figure (Campbell & Marshall, 2011; Hong & Park, 2012). The avoidant infant will PET LOSS 12 avoid or ignore the attachment figure and show little emotion when the attachment figure leaves or returns to the infant (Hong & Park, 2012).
Avoidant adolescents and adults suppress their emotions, often deny their needs and emotional states, and struggle regulating their anger (Campbell & Marshall, 2011; Sutton, 2019).
In relationships, people with avoidant attachment styles prefer to remain independent, self- reliant, minimize the importance of relationships, and have low levels of commitment to their partners (Campbell & Marshall, 2011; Connors, 2011). Avoidantly attached adults tend to have a fear of intimacy, avoid relationships, and are overly involved in their work. Avoidantly attached individuals will avoid closeness with their partners and avoid turning to their partners for support in times of distress (Campbell & Marshall, 2011; Connors, 2011; Sutton, 2019).
Avoidantly attached adults typically do not use positive emotion regulation behaviors (Sutton,
2019), and they are prone to somatic disorders in times of stress, often use alcohol for tension relief, and may be susceptible to addictive disorders (Connors, 2011).
Secure
Responsive and reliant reactions to an infant’s needs from an attachment figure will produce secure attachment (Campbell & Marshall, 2011; Hong & Park, 2012). Children who are securely attached show more curiosity, self-reliance, and independence (Hong & Park, 2012).
The sense of security an infant or child experiences when they have a secure attachment encourages bonds with others (Campbell & Marshall, 2011).
When securely attached individuals reach adolescence or adulthood, they can better regulate their emotions, have lower levels of negative emotions, and have higher levels of empathy and forgiveness than their insecurely attached counterparts (Sutton, 2019). In relationships, securely attached people are more comfortable with intimacy, easily trust their PET LOSS 13 partners, and are less jealous (Campbell & Marshall, 2011; Connors, 2011; Sutton, 2019).
Securely attached individuals have higher quality relationships characterized by greater commitment, stability, balance, trust, and emotional support (Connors, 2011; Sutton, 2019).
Securely attached relationships have more intimacy and autonomy (Connors, 2011).
Pet Ownership, Families, and Attachment
In the United States, 68% of households have a pet (American Pet Products Association
[APPA], 2018), and according to the Pew Research Center (2006), 85% of dog owners and 78% of cat owners, consider their pets family members. Pets have become a part of family systems and frequently bring the family together and increase family cohesion (Smolkovic, Fajfar, &
Mlinaric, 2012; Walsh, 2009a). Walsh (2009a) stated pets play varying roles in family structures and are very sensitive to the emotional climate of the family. Additionally, Walsh (2009a) stated pets “enhance daily family life and promote greater interaction and communication” (p. 483).
Walsh (2009a) found that couples with a dog have greater well-being than couples without a dog, and the more attached couples are to their dogs, the greater their well-being.
Greater life satisfaction, marital satisfaction, and physical and emotional health are associated with couples who confide in their dogs and in their spouses (Walsh, 2009a). Much like children, a pet can serve as a measure of a couple’s emotional status, assist with maintaining relationship equilibrium, and moderate stress in relationships as they seek attention, act out, or distract their people during conflict or tension (Walsh, 2009a). Walsh (2009b) stated pets can increase positive interactions and resiliency in couples and families. Additionally, pets offer unconditional, consistent, and nonjudgmental love, loyalty, and devotion to their families.
Research shows people benefit physically, psychologically, and socially from having a pet (Mills
& Hall, 2014; Sable, 2013; Smolkovic et al., 2012; Wood et al., 2015; Utz, 2014). Due to PET LOSS 14 increased attachment to family pets, and the large impact pets have on their families, researchers are increasing the studies related to the benefit of pet ownership; however, researchers focus largely on dogs or cats. For the purpose of this project, pets will be used in reference to dogs and-or cats.
Physical Benefits of Family Pets
Pets have the potential to improve their owners’ overall physical health and reduce doctor visits (Utz, 2014). Interacting with a pet increases oxytocin, which is associated with relaxation and bonding, and oxytocin improves a person’s immune system (Sable, 2013; Walsh, 2009b).
Utz (2014) researched the physical health of pet owners and found that pet owners are more likely to report good health and have lower rates of obesity than people without pets. Pet owners in Utz’s (2014) study were also less likely to be diagnosed with congestive heart failure or arthritis and were more likely to engage in exercise.
Researchers found that pets lower blood pressure, cholesterol levels, and reduce stress
(Utz, 2014; Walsh, 2009b; Wood et al., 2015). Walsh (2009b) suggested that when a person pets a dog, it can significantly reduce blood pressure for that person and for the dog. In some instances, pets have a better impact on decreasing cardiovascular effects of stress than a friend or spouse (Walsh, 2009b). Seniors with pets have fewer minor health problems, fewer doctor visits, and decreased healthcare costs (Sable, 2013; Walsh, 2009b). Pets help seniors adhere to a schedule, improve mobility, and increase well-being (Walsh, 2009b).
Psychological Benefits of Family Pets
Pets can provide consistency and support through life transitions (Mills & Hall, 2014;
Walsh, 2009a). Walsh (2009a) stated pets offer support that aids in coping, recovery, and resilience. Pets reduce feelings of anxiety, decrease a sense of isolation, and decrease feelings of PET LOSS 15 loneliness (Mills & Hall, 2014; Sable, 2013). Mills and Hall (2014) found routine animal care provides stability and feelings of self-worth for pet owners. Pets increase positive interactions and improve mood and resilience (Mills & Hall, 2014; Walsh, 2009a). According to Sable
(2013), researchers found pets can help their people regulate emotions, deal with stress or trauma, and relate to others.
Children often rank pet relationships higher than human relationships for a source of self- esteem and support (Purewal et al., 2017), and children are more likely to confide in their pets than their siblings (Irvine & Cilia, 2017). Children turn to their pets for comfort, reassurance, and emotional support when feeling anger, sadness, or happiness (Purewal et al., 2017;
Smolkovic et al., 2012). Pets can help children adapt to life changes. For example, children with pets are less anxious and less withdrawn when they move to a new neighborhood or school
(Walsh, 2009a).
When children own a pet, they have higher autonomy, self-concept, self-esteem, and self- worth (Mills & Hall, 2014; Purewal et al., 2017). Another benefit for children and pet ownership is the increased ability to learn empathy and kindness, and these learned skills are considered a direct result of caring for pets (Irvine & Cilia, 2017; Purewal et al., 2017; Walsh, 2009b). The presence of animals has a positive effect on cognitive executive function, verbal scores, and school-related tasks (Purewal et al., 2017; Walsh, 2009b). Children with pets have more confidence, improved moods, and tend to have greater participation in social and athletic activities (Walsh, 2009b). Additionally, Purewal et al. (2017) stated children with pets are less likely to experience anxiety, feelings of loneliness, and feelings of isolation (Purewal et al.,
2017). PET LOSS 16
The human-pet relationship is simple, safe, and involves minimal risk (Smolkovic et al.,
2012). Pets can be significant attachment figures in people’s lives, and the attachment bonds created with pets are comparable to relationships built with humans (Carr & Rockett, 2017;
Smolkovic et al., 2012). When measuring attachment with pets and with a person’s partner, the relationship with the pet was rated more secure in all areas (Smolkovic et al., 2012; Walsh,
2009b). Children who have suffered neglect, a lack of trust, abuse in human relationships, and insecure attachments, may more easily develop a secure attachment bond with a pet than with a person (Carr & Rockett, 2017; Walsh, 2009b). Carr and Rockett (2017) found foster children can struggle to form secure attachment relationships with foster parents; however, foster children may more easily form a bond with the pet in the foster home, which often leads to increased trust and an eventual bond with the foster parents.
Social Benefits of Family Pets
Social isolation is a risk factor for mental health (Wood et al., 2015), and pets facilitate social contact, interaction, and new friendships (Sable, 2013; Smolkovic et al., 2012; Walsh,
2009b). According to Wood et al. (2015), pet owners are more likely to get to know their neighbors than people without pets. Pets provide social support (Mills & Hall, 2014) and can serve as an icebreaker (Wood et al., 2015). Strangers are more inclined to talk to someone with a pet and will spontaneously greet animals and ask to pet them, which leads to more social interaction for pet owners (Walsh, 2009b). Additionally, dog parks can provide a pet-centered social network for pet owners (Walsh, 2009b). People with pets have increased neighborhood interactions and an increased sense of community (Walsh, 2009b).
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Pet Loss
The death of a pet is often the first loss a person may experience (Brown & Symons,
2016; Irvine & Cilia, 2017; King & Werner, 2011; Rujoiu & Rujoiu, 2013; Walsh, 2009a).
Reisbig, Hafen, Siqueira Drake, Girard, and Breunig, (2017) noted that pet loss affects more than just the individual and can affect all household members, which can create a systemic impact.
The systemic impact can affect the people and other pets in the house (Reisbig et al., 2017). A pet’s death can destabilize the relational system within a family, generate distress in relationships, and escalate conflicts (Walsh, 2009a). Additionally, family roles may shift (Hess-
Holden et al., 2017), and due to the large role pets can play within the family system, their deaths create significant grief (Cordaro, 2012). It is common for individuals to turn to a pet in times of need, and the death of pet can lead to an imbalance in a person’s life because the person used the pet as a coping mechanism (Compitus, 2019).
Depending on where a family is in their life cycle, the pet may play different roles
(Turner, 2005). For instance, single, young adults tend to be very attached to their pets because their pets often play the role of the roommate or best friend. During the newlywed stage, pet parents are also very attached because their pets are likely assuming the roles of their children.
On the other hand, when a family has children, the parents may not be as attached to the pet because they are too busy; however, the children in the family are likely to see the pet as a sibling or best friend (Turner, 2005). Adolescents often feel that the family pet is the only one who understands them, and the pet can become the adolescent’s confidante (Turner, 2005).
When parents launch their children, pet attachment may be high once again because the pet serves as a substitute for the children (Turner, 2005). PET LOSS 18
During each of these previously described stages within the life cycle, different family members are likely to be more attached to the pet, and those who are most attached will be the most affected by the pet’s death. Grief may vary in intensity and coping approach between family members, which can cause tension within the family (Sharkin & Knox, 2003). The pet’s death can create a void in the family and disrupt the family system (Turner, 2005). According to
Moos (1995), “The family system affects and is affected by the grief of its members” (p. 342). A family who is grieving may have changes in communication within the family (e.g., increased or decreased communication that depends on how often a family talks and increased or decreased discussion about certain subjects), structure (e.g., role changes or acting out), and relationship changes with people outside of the family (Moos, 1995).
The more bonded a person is to an animal, the more grief-related symptoms a person will experience, which can have an impact on physical and emotional health (Cordaro, 2012; King &
Werner, 2011; Packman, Field, Carmack, & Ronen, 2011; Packman et al., 2014; Walsh, 2009a).
Packman et al. (2014) stated many people reported surprise at the intensity of their grief after pet loss. The loss of a pet can be severe and can cause intense psychological distress (Compitus,
2019). The grief experienced from the loss of a pet can be very similar to the loss of a human family member or friend (Brown & Symons, 2016; Cordaro, 2012; King & Werner, 2011;
Reisbig et al., 2017; Wong et al., 2017) both in intensity and duration (Compitus, 2019; Packman et al., 2011; Rujoiu & Rujoiu, 2014). Many people say they are more connected to their pets than to the people in their lives (Hess-Holden et al., 2017; Packman et al., 2011).
People who live alone, or couples without children, are more likely to view their pets as significant family members (Wong et al., 2017). The death of a pet can lead to feelings of loss related to the pet parents’ identity, which makes grief that much more intense (Reisbig et al., PET LOSS 19
2017). In addition, King and Werner (2011) reported there is a negative association between family size and grief-related symptoms. That is, when there is a larger number of people living together as a family, fewer grief-related symptoms are experienced after the death of a pet. The power and responsibility of pet parents, and the decision to euthanize a pet, can complicate pet loss (Wong et al., 2017). The decision to euthanize a pet can add to the intensity of the grief
(Reisbig et al., 2017), and pets are often viewed as a constant source of support and provide unconditional love; love and consistency intensifies the grief experience when the pets pass away
(Compitus, 2019; Packman et al., 2014). Grief from the loss of a pet is distressing for most people and can be extremely difficult for some (Eckerd, Barnett, & Jett-Dias, 2016).
Grief and Loss
Grief is a normal, intense, emotional response after a loss and may appear immediately or with delay (Reisbig et al., 2017). In addition, grief can be exaggerated or appear absent, depending upon circumstances. When people grieve, they often experience sleep disruption and physical, social, and psychological challenges (Eckerd et al., 2016; Field, Orsini, Gavish, &
Packman, 2009; Packman et al., 2011; Packman et al., 2014). Many people express their symptoms of grief in physical and-or behavioral ways (Packman et al., 2014). Children and adolescents may socially withdraw, have behavior issues, and begin to underachieve in school
(Kaufman & Kaufman, 2006).
Kubler-Ross (1969) named five stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. Grief is individualized for each person, so the stages do not necessarily happen in order, and people do not always experience all the stages (Cordaro, 2012; Kubler-Ross &
Kessler, 2005). At times, people will flip back and forth between stages, repeat some stages multiple times, and experience a varied length of time in the stages (Kubler-Ross & Kessler, PET LOSS 20
2005). Grief related to pet loss involves symptoms similar to symptoms related to grief after human loss (Eckerd et al., 2016). When people grieve a recent pet loss, they report all the typical symptoms of grief such as a loss of appetite, sleep disturbances, difficulty concentrating, sadness, guilt, anger, and numbness (Brown & Symons, 2016). When people grieve the loss of a pet, they move through the stages of grief in the same way they grieve human loss (Brown &
Symons, 2016; Rujoiu & Rujoiu, 2013).
Denial. While in the denial stage, people struggle to comprehend the idea of the loss, although they understand the news of the death (Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). In the denial stage, a person’s mind cannot fully process the news, and denial helps to manage feelings and the ability to cope, so the person does not become emotionally overwhelmed (Kubler-Ross &
Kessler, 2005). Kubler-Ross (1969) stated denial is a temporary defense mechanism.
Common feelings at the beginning of the denial stage include numbness, disbelief, and shock (Cordaro, 2012; Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). People report numbness, disbelief, and preoccupation with their thoughts after the loss of a pet (King & Werner, 2011). In the denial stage, people often question the reality of the news and if the information is true (Kubler-Ross &
Kessler, 2005). Rujoiu and Rujoiu (2014) found pet parents often enter the denial stage after they receive news that their pet is terminally ill, typically refuse to accept the diagnosis, and maintain hope of recovery for their terminally ill pet.
Anger. Frequently, in the anger stage, an individual’s anger may not be logical or valid
(Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). Anger is a common response to the loss of control over one’s life, and pet parents may blame themselves or others for the death of their pets (Cordaro, 2012).
For instance, people use blame and guilt to distract themselves from the pain and to avoid focusing on their loss. In the anger stage, there are many other feelings underlying a person’s PET LOSS 21 anger (e.g., pain); however, anger is the most manageable emotion after loss (Kubler-Ross &
Kessler, 2005). Anger can be used to avoid feeling the intensity of the loss and grief (Packman et al., 2014).
Anger turned inward is guilt, and many individuals begin to self-blame during the anger stage (Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). When guilt feelings occur, pet parents will often doubt their decisions (Cordaro, 2012). For example, self-blame can happen if the pet parent was unable to get the pet to the veterinarian due to sudden death or lack of financial resources
(Rujoiu & Rujoiu, 2014). If death occurs after negligence of a family member, the pet loss can place strain on relationships (Walsh, 2009a), and pet parents may blame a family member who did not appropriately care for the pet (Rujoiu & Rujoiu, 2014).
Pet parents feel responsible for their pets’ lives, and when a pet passes away, the pet parent feels guilt and failure to provide adequate care for the pet (Packman et al., 2014; Rujoiu &
Rujoiu, 2014; Wong et al., 2017), and some feel guilty because they did not discover the pet’s illness earlier (Rujoiu & Rujoiu, 2013). Some pet parents reported guilt about their decision to euthanize their pets, and some pet parents experienced self-blame for incorrect medical decisions and a late diagnosis of a fatal illness, which prolonged their grief (Wong et al., 2017). Regret and guilt often accompany decisions around euthanasia, and pet parents often wonder if they euthanized their pet too soon or too late (Packman et al., 2014; Reisbig et al., 2017). Pet parents who opt for euthanasia often have prolonged mourning and experience feelings of regret and self-blame (Rujoiu & Rujoiu, 2014).
Bargaining. Bargaining is an attempt to regain control (Cordaro, 2012). Frequently, guilt will accompany bargaining, and bargaining allows people to believe they can restore order to the chaos (Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). Bargaining usually begins with requests for the PET LOSS 22 past and then moves into the future (Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). For example, pet parents may start with bargaining for their pets to live and move to bargaining to see their pets again in heaven. Bargaining can be an escape from the pain and a distraction from reality (Kubler-Ross
& Kessler, 2005). Reisbig et al. (2017) discovered one common form of bargaining: many pet parents wished the illness affected them instead of their pets.
Depression. The depression stage includes a focus on the present (Kubler-Ross &
Kessler, 2005). During the depression stage of grief, people have feelings of emptiness, intense sadness, and withdraw from their lives (Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). Depression is a natural stage of grief and cannot be rushed (Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). Additionally, individuals may report feeling they lost an important part of the self and of their lives (Eckerd et al., 2016;
King & Werner, 2011). Pet parents reported frequent crying, feeling depressed, loneliness, feelings of guilt, numbness, a preoccupation with memories of their pet, self-reproach, negative affect, and anger (Eckerd et al., 2016; King & Werner, 2011).
Acceptance. In this final stage of grief, acceptance is about recognizing that the new reality is permanent, and people accept that their loved one is physically gone (Kubler-Ross &
Kessler, 2005). Remembering, recollecting, and reorganizing are a part of healing (Kubler-Ross
& Kessler, 2005). During the acceptance stage, people must learn to live with the loss, regardless of how they feel about the loss (Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). Packman et al. (2011) suggested that even though death brings physical separation, an emotional connection could continue after death (Packman et al., 2011). Acceptance allows for resilience, and the pet parent can now adopt a new pet without expecting emotional relief or projecting characteristics of the deceased pet onto the new pet (Cordaro, 2012). “Resolving grief does not involve ending the PET LOSS 23 relationship but instead involves a reorganization of the relationship with the deceased”
(Packman et al., 2014, p. 336).
Attachment and Loss
Pets are considered significant attachment figures for many people (Brown & Symons,
2016). Attachment bonds between humans and animals are assumed to develop in the same way attachment bonds form between people; therefore, the response to the loss of a pet attachment will be similar to the loss of a human attachment (Field et al., 2009; King & Werner, 2011). The level of attachment with a pet may be equal to human family members due to the pet’s integration into the family; at times, the attachment to a pet is stronger than attachment with family members (Reisbig et al., 2017). Cordaro (2012) found college students with high levels of attachment reported attachment levels to their pet dogs equal to the emotional bond with family members and friends. The attachment bond people have with their pets is how the pets become a part of the family (Cordaro, 2012; Field et al., 2009). Additionally, human-animal relationships share characteristics of human relationships (Field et al., 2009; Reisbig et al.,
2017). There are three main ways for pets and their people to achieve a strong relational attachment: (a) the pet is part of the primary support system, (b) the pet has a unique personality, and (c) the pet and pet parent go through significant life events together (Reisbig et al., 2017); however, after a pet’s death, difficult life events may be reactivated (Compitus, 2019; Walsh,
2009a).
The intensity of grief is related to the level of attachment with the deceased pet (Eckerd et al., 2016; Field et al., 2009; Hess-Holden et al., 2017; Reisbig et al., 2017). The deeper the attachment with the pet, the more difficult it may be to adjust and process the grief. Pet parents reported searching behavior (i.e., looking for ways to be close to the pet or looking for the PET LOSS 24 comfort they used to receive from the pet), obsessive rumination about events that led to the pet’s death, thoughts of previous losses, and fear of losing control, which are all common grief behaviors after the loss of a human attachment relationship (Field et al., 2009). People maintain an emotional attachment to their pets after death similar to the emotional attachments maintained with deceased people (Field et al., 2009; Packman et al., 2011). That is, attachment type plays a role in the grief responses and adjustment to loss (Field et al., 2009; King & Werner, 2011).
Anxious attachment and loss. When people are anxiously attached, they are likely to continue to “search” for the deceased, which prolongs the grief, and they are more likely to experience depression and anxiety after a loss (Field et al., 2009; King & Werner, 2011). King and Werner (2011) stated anxiously attached people have a similar grief process for their pets and for others because their relationships are related to their self-view and-or self-worth.
Anxiously attached people are unlikely to benefit from social support after a death because they have a negative perception of the social support (King & Werner, 2011).
Avoidant attachment and loss. Avoidantly attached people tend to suppress their grief, which often results in somatization; however, avoidantly attached people did grieve the death of their child or pet (King & Werner, 2011). King and Werner (2011) stated the similarities between the grief for a child and the grief for a pet is unsurprising because many people refer to their pets as family members or as their children. Additionally, avoidantly attached people may have different grief related outcomes for their pets because their relationship view is dependent on their view of others (King & Werner, 2011). In general, avoidantly attached people have a negative view of others; however, a pet provides consistency, unconditional love, and support, which is contrary to their expectations of human relationships (King & Werner, 2011). For instance, an avoidantly attached person may form a closer bond with a pet and have fewer PET LOSS 25 defensive strategies when coping with the loss of a pet (King & Werner, 2011). Avoidantly attached people will not likely seek social support after a death; however, unsolicited support may be beneficial (King & Werner, 2011).
Disenfranchised Grief
According to Reisbig et al. (2017), “The experience of a significant loss going unacknowledged, trivialized, or pathologized socially, which further complicates the grief process, is referred to as disenfranchised grief” (p. 125). The experience of pet loss is often misunderstood and trivialized because the mourning of pet loss does not fit into approved mourning customs of many societies (Wong et al., 2017). Hess-Holden et al. (2017) stated pet parents lack socially accepted methods to grieve, which impairs the grieving process and isolates those struggling with the loss. The belief that relationships with animals are inferior to relationships with humans marginalizes human-animal relationships, and this belief leads to invalidated grief related to pet loss (Reisbig et al., 2017).
Disenfranchised grief can lead to complicated or unresolved grief (Cordaro, 2012) and can intensify feelings of guilt and anger (Packman et al., 2014). Suppressed or denied grief remains with a person, and the body will remember the feelings associated with the grief
(Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). Unresolved and unhealed grief will create many problems in life (Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2005). Grieving pet parents often do not have time off work to grieve their pet, do not receive sympathy from others, and therapeutic rituals may be limited or unavailable (Hess-Holden et al., 2017; Packman et al., 2014). When a social system fails to understand or recognize the relationship between people and their pets, it leads to disenfranchised grief (Packman et al., 2014). PET LOSS 26
The bonds formed between people and their pets may be short-lived due to the short lifespan of pets, so pet loss may be considered a normal life event (King & Werner, 2011).
Many people experience disenfranchised grief when a pet passes away (Hess-Holden et al.,
2017; Packman et al., 2011; Walsh, 2009a; Wong et al., 2017). Grief associated with pet loss tends to be invalidated, so disenfranchised grief results in isolation without social support
(Packman et al., 2014; Packman et al., 2011; Walsh, 2009a).
Some pet parents experience self-imposed disenfranchised grief because they have internalized the idea that grief for a pet is inappropriate and insignificant, and they fear others will not understand or will invalidate their grief (Reisbig et al., 2017; Wong et al., 2017). Pet parents may feel their grief does not qualify for empathy from their support system (Cordaro,
2012). Additionally, self-imposed disenfranchised grief can lead to feelings of shame, inadequacy, and reduced self-esteem (Wong et al. 2017). When pet parents choose to conceal their feelings of grief, it can increase their feelings of isolation and despair (Reisbig et al., 2017).
When a pet parent views the death of a pet as an “unspeakable” loss, and they fear stigmatization, the pet parent is left to secretly grieve his or her pet (Cordaro, 2012).
Wong et al. (2017) stated disenfranchised grief is detrimental to recovery because it discourages talking, sharing of the pain, and hinders the ability to reach out for support. When family and friends do not validate or support grief, increased levels of loneliness can occur
(Wong et al., 2017). People can invalidate grief with comments like, “It was just a pet!” or “Just get another one.” In addition, grief is invalidated when others avoid talking about the pet loss
(Hess-Holden et al., 2017; Packman et al., 2014; Reisbig et al., 2017). It is common practice to encourage pet parents to get a new pet soon after they lose their pet (Packman et al., 2014); however, when pet parents replace a family pet too quickly, it can complicate grief for people PET LOSS 27 who need additional time to mourn (Cordaro, 2012). Packman et al. (2014) reported one participant in their study said, “It is the lack of support and understanding of the people I love the most, that makes the grief so difficult to live” (p. 343).
Perceived social support has an impact on how people cope with grief and depression related to the death of a person or a pet (King & Werner, 2011; Rujoiu & Rujoiu, 2014). Social support aids most people in their adjustment to stress (King & Werner, 2011). People who reported emotional growth after the loss of their pet were more likely to have some form of social support at the time of the loss (Wong et al., 2017). “Receiving empathetic and emotional support from someone they trust who can listen, understand, and validate their grief experiences can help them cope with unwanted thoughts and avoidant behavior” (Wong et al., 2017, p. 118).
Reisbig et al. (2017) identified three ways pet parents felt family and friends supported and assisted them as they were coping with grief after pet loss: (a) they continued conversations about the deceased pet; (b) they recognized the grief and grieved with them; and (c) they helped the pet parent stay busy.
Coping with Loss
“Coping refers to active or passive attempts to ‘go on living’” (Moos, 1995, p. 358).
Often, people use coping mechanisms they used for other past crises when they attempt to cope with loss, which may or may not include healthy coping skills or the ability to gain the support they need (Moos, 1995). Mental health professionals can help families heal and cope by having families acknowledge their loss and its meaning for all family members, aid in the communication and shared experiences of loss, assist with realigning relationships and reorganize roles, and support continuing bonds with the deceased pet (Walsh, 2009a). PET LOSS 28
According to Packman et al. (2014), self-care is important during grief because grief can affect a person physically, emotionally, and socially. First, helpful physical recommendations during periods of grief include getting enough sleep and rest, exercising to release stress and tension, eating a healthy diet, and avoiding alcohol and drugs (“Healing Grief Strategies,” n.d).
Second, when people grieve, they must be allowed to feel the emotions of loss and pain, to cry, and possibly find ways to creatively express their emotions (“Understanding Grief,” n.d.). Third, the bereaved could talk about their grief with loved ones who understand, find comfort in friends and family, take some alone time but avoid isolation, ask for support, and tell friends and family what they need. Additionally, supporting others in the family who are also grieving can help individuals heal (“Managing Grief,” n.d.).
Rituals are an important aspect of coping with grief; rituals allow the person to express grief and create a link to the deceased (Hess-Holden et al., 2017). A funeral or memorial can help everyone in a family express their feelings for the pet, grieve, and receive support and solace (Schonfeld & Demaria, 2016). After the loss of a pet, frequently, there is no expectation of a funeral or memorial; however, people who had funerals or memorials for their pets have reported benefits from honoring their pets in these ways and stated it was a good way to gain participation from family or friends in the grief process (Reisbig et al., 2017). When other family or friends grieve with the pet parent, the pet parent will feel supported and understood, and this support can significantly help with coping (Reisbig et al., 2017). There are many different ways for families to memorialize a pet and creatively express their grief:
• create photo books of the pet (Hess-Holden et al., 2017);
• share memories (Hess-Holden et al., 2017);
• plant a tree in memory of the pet (“Plant a Tree,” n.d.); PET LOSS 29
• create a memory box (“Healing Artwork,” n.d.);
• paint, sculpt, or other art projects (“Healing Artwork,” n.d.);
• volunteer at, or make a donation to, animal shelters (Sife, 2014);
• look at photographs of the pet (Sife, 2014);
• join a support group for pet loss (Sife, 2014);
• make a list of all the smart or funny things the pet did, and/or make a scrapbook with
photos and stories about the pet (Sife, 2014).
Children. Children can benefit from talking about the loss of a pet; if others do not talk about the pet loss, children may interpret the silence to mean that others see the loss of their pets as trivial (or that they are uninterested) and the children will become reluctant to talk about their grief (Schonfeld & Demaria, 2016; Sharkin & Knox, 2003). At times, adults avoid talking to children about loss because they think it helps children avoid the pain, and they are worried they will upset the children. This avoidance does not protect children from the pain of loss, and the loss is still in the minds of the children whether it is addressed or not (Schonfeld & Demaria,
2016). Children need adults to explain death in clear and concrete terms without euphemisms, and parents may need help in discussing death with a child if it is the first death the child has experienced (Sharkin & Knox, 2003; Turner, 2005). Children should be encouraged to ask any questions they have, and those questions should be answered honestly (Recover-from-grief.com, n.d.f). How parents talk to children about death, and how they help the children cope with the loss of their pets, can teach children how to cope with future grief (Turner, 2005).
According to “Grief in Children” (n.d.), parents should help their children grieve.
Parents can include children in (a) reminiscing about the pet, (b) brainstorming ideas for memorializing the pets, (c) sharing their personal feelings about the loss of the pet, and (d) PET LOSS 30 allowing the child to see them cry, so the child knows it is an acceptable response to grief and loss (“Grief in Children,” n.d.). When a family has a funeral or memorial service for the pet, it can reinforce the pet’s family membership, which can permit the child to fully grieve (Kaufman
& Kaufman, 2006) and feel sadness or express painful emotions during the grief process (e.g., crying will help a child cope with grief; Sife, 2014). Parents need to ask their children about their feelings and listen without giving advice or attempting to make the child happy (Schonfeld
& Demaria, 2016). Also, when children draw pictures, it can be a helpful coping skill capable of helping children express what they cannot verbally express (Sife, 2014). In addition, parents can obtain books through a public library or buy children’s books on grief to read to the child.
Adolescents and adults. Adolescents perceive death similar to an adult and can use many of the same coping skills; however, children may not yet understand death and will need age appropriate coping skills (Sife, 2014). Kubler-Ross and Kessler (2005) stated, “Our grief must be externalized. Our pain and sadness can be fully realized only when we release them” (p.
142). O’Connor, Nikoletti, Kristjanson, Loh, and Willcock (2003) found that when people were able to develop a coherent narrative about the death of a loved one, they experienced a decrease in feelings associated with grief. The following coping skills are appropriate for adolescents, adults, and mature older children.
• Journaling about negative feelings has positive psychological and physical health benefits
(O’Connor et al., 2003).
• Writing in a diary has helped adolescents adjust and cope with grief (O’Connor et al.,
2003).
• Letter writing to the deceased is recommended as a way for the bereaved to express and
externalize the loss, and letter writing allows for the grieving person to communicate with PET LOSS 31
the deceased what they wish they could say to them and to finish unfinished business
(Kubler-Ross & Kessler, 2005).
• Writing a letter back from the deceased can bring comfort to a grieving person (Kubler-
Ross & Kessler, 2005; Sife, 2014).
• Adults and adolescents may want to read self-help books about pet loss or grief (Sife,
2014).
• Mindfulness practice can be used as a positive coping skill during the grief process
(Cacciatore, Thieleman, Osborn, & Orlowski, 2014).
When mindfulness was utilized during the grief process, individuals reported a reduction in stress, anxiety, and depression symptoms (Cacciatore et al., 2014). Mindfulness helps individuals increase tolerance of painful feelings and thoughts and decrease their distressing symptoms (Cacciatore et al., 2014). Cacciatore et al. (2014) found that when people learned mindfulness skills, they were able to strengthen their emotional tolerance by increasing their awareness of the body and emotions, and they were better able to cope with their grief.
Individual Psychology
Alfred Adler considered holism for his theories in Individual Psychology (Griffith &
Powers, 2007). Holism refers to the belief that parts of the whole cannot exist or be understood separately from the whole (Griffith & Powers, 2007). Individual Psychology was named from the Latin term individuum, meaning indivisible (Griffith & Powers, 2007). Like holism,
Individual Psychology involves the entire person within his or her situation in context with others and those relationships (Mosak & Maniacci, 1999; Oberst & Stewart, 2003). When working with the whole person, Ballou (2002) stated Adler believed people were socially embedded and goal-directed, and according to Griffith and Powers (2007), all human behavior PET LOSS 32 has a purpose with movement toward a goal. Mosak and Maniacci (1999) stated the most common human goal is to belong.
Social Interest
Oberst and Stewart (2003) stated, “Social interest is a feeling of belonging to others and not being ‘outside’” (p. 19). Social interest can largely be seen in the ability to empathize with another (Brennan, 1967). Caring concern and compassion for others is reflected within social interest (Ansbacher & Ansbacher, 1956; Oberst & Stewart, 2003), and social interest cannot occur if a person does not feel a sense of belonging and a sense of equality with others
(Ferguson, 2010). The amount of social interest is proportional to inferiority and isolation
(Ansbacher & Ansbacher, 1956; Griffith & Powers, 2007). For example, a greater sense of belonging and social interest increases the likelihood that someone will reach out to others in times of need, which can also increase a sense of belonging (Ferguson, 2010).
Encouragement
In order to succeed, children and adults need to develop the courage to be imperfect, or they will become discouraged (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). Everyone is born with courage, without courage, children would not learn and grow and attempt to do what adults do (Dreikurs & Soltz,
1964). According to Dreikurs and Soltz (1964), people need encouragement to establish a sense of belonging. In part, encouragement is obtained by avoiding the discouragement of humiliation or overprotection (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). In addition, encouragement is provided through support of an individual’s confident self-concept (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). Encouragement gives people a sense of self-respect and accomplishment (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). For instance, an encouraged person demonstrates confidence in the self and feels good about his or her place in the world (Mosak & Maniacci, 1999). Frequently, those who most need encouragement do PET LOSS 33 not receive it (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). A focus on finding strengths versus weaknesses is essential to the practice of encouragement, and people are likely to protect themselves instead of reaching out to others if they feel discouraged (Bettner & Lew, 1989). Encouragement includes interest, acceptance, and believing in someone in a supportive manner (Bettner, 2014).
Goals of Misbehavior
According to Dreikurs and Soltz (1964), misbehavior from children (age eleven and younger) can always be explained by the goals of misbehavior; however, adolescent and adult behaviors can be explained in other ways as well (e.g., adolescents and adults can find status and significance other than through the goals of misbehavior; Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). Goals of misbehavior include mistaken goals of the discouraged child, and misbehavior is a sign of discouragement (Bettner & Lew, 1989; Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). Instead of trying to contribute, or be useful, the discouraged child will misbehave to find a place of belonging, and children will repeat behavior that gives them this sense of belonging (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). Adults are often able to decipher the child’s goal by their initial reaction to the child’s behavior (Pepper,
1977). The four goals of misbehavior are undue attention, power, revenge, and inadequacy
(Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964).
Undue attention. Undue attention is the first mistaken goal of a discouraged child
(Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). A child will establish feelings of belonging and significance by gaining attention (Ballou, 2002; Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). If children seek attention, they will stop the behavior after a request to stop, but eventually they will repeat the behavior to regain attention (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). Adults may be able to tell when children are seeking attention by the way they feel. For example, when a child is seeking attention, the adult may feel annoyed (Mosak & Maniacci, 1999; Pepper, 1977). If a child is given the undue attention he or PET LOSS 34 she seeks, this will reinforce the behavior and the child’s mistaken belief that they only belong when receiving undue attention (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964).
Power. Power struggles usually occur after children believe they have failed at gaining attention (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). The child finds a sense of value in denying requests or demands, so if the child submits to the request, there would be a loss of personal value (Dreikurs
& Soltz, 1964). The child is seeking to secure status through power (Ballou, 2002). The more adults try to overpower a child in a power struggle, the more intensely the child will resist
(Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964; Pepper, 1977). Adults generally feel anger or that they need to “make” the child do what they are told, when engaged in a power struggle with a child (Mosak &
Maniacci, 1999; Pepper, 1977). When adults are in this situation, and they start to feel angry, they should refuse to fight and end the discussion because there is no way to “win” the power struggle (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964).
Revenge. When children feel they cannot win the power struggle, they move onto the mistaken goal of revenge (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). In this mistaken goal, children now feel revenge is the only means to become significant or important because they believe they are disliked and have no power (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). When children feel hurt by others, they can only feel significant by hurting others (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). When adults feel hurt, or resentment toward the child, it is usually a sign of the mistaken goal of revenge (Mosak &
Maniacci, 1999; Pepper, 1977).
Inadequacy. When children display inadequacy, they are completely discouraged
(Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). Completely discouraged children feel worthless with no chance to succeed, which leads to helplessness and avoiding any task where failure may occur (Dreikurs &
Soltz, 1964). Inadequacy is a mistaken solution for (a) extreme discouragement, (b) when a PET LOSS 35 child feels there is no way to fit in, and (c) when a child feels unsuccessful, insignificant, unneeded, or unequal (Bettner, 2014). When children display inadequacy, adults generally feel like they need to give up or do things for the children (Mosak & Maniacci, 1999).
Crucial Cs
Bettner and Lew (1989) created the crucial Cs from Adler’s four essential elements of human needs. Bettner (2014) believed the crucial Cs could be used as a counteraction to the goals of misbehavior. Bettner and Lew (1989) posited that everyone wants to feel connected, capable, and to count. The first three Cs can be obtained through socially useful, or at times socially useless, means (Bettner & Lew, 1989). That is, obtaining the first three Cs can benefit the individual and community (socially useful) or benefit just the individual (socially useless).
The fourth C is courage, and without courage, none of the other Cs can be obtained in useful ways (Bettner & Lew, 1989).
Connection. Connection is needed because people are social beings, and the strongest motivation one has is to belong (Bettner, 2014). People need others, which leads them to the need to belong and connect (Bettner, 2014). If a feeling of connection can be created for children with the mistaken goal of seeking undue attention, the child will no longer feel the need to seek out a feeling of belonging through undue attention (Bettner, 2014). Feelings of connection can be cultivated by creating ways for a child to contribute.
Capable. Feelings of capability are needed for people to consistently grow, improve, and learn (Bettner, 2014). People need to feel they can be self-sufficient, and if a challenge comes to them, people need to feel they can succeed and not give up (Bettner, 2014). Pampered children may not feel capable, will have the mistaken goal of power over others, and will attempt to have others do everything for them (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). Bettner (2014) believed children would PET LOSS 36 feel more capable and not end up in power struggles if they are given choices that demonstrate parental trust to make good choices.
Count. To count is part of social interest, and people need to feel they are contributing
(Bettner, 2014). People gain a feeling of significance and value by contributing and making a difference (Bettner, 2014). When children feel they do not count, they seek the mistaken goal of revenge to increase feelings of significance (Bettner, 2014). Children need to gain feelings of capability and connection and find ways to contribute in order to believe they count.
Courage. Courage is needed for everything in life in order to live and to survive (Bettner,
2014). Courage allows for resilience (Bettner, 2014). Discouraged children need to rebuild courage, so they no longer have a fear of failure (Dreikurs & Stoltz, 1964). Without courage, children cannot have meaningful connections, feel they count, or believe they are capable
(Bettner & Lew, 1989).
Discussion
Pets can provide attachment functions (Sable, 2013) and play large roles in many family systems (Cordaro, 2012). Due to the large role pets play in the lives of their people, a pet’s death could lead to a lack of social interest, discouragement, mistaken goals of misbehavior, and impede the crucial Cs. Pet parents may have an increased feeling of social interest because pets can create positive interactions and increase social activity (Walsh, 2009b), increase neighborhood interactions, and increase a sense of community (Wood et al., 2015). When a pet passes away, pet parents may feel a loss of social interest or belonging provided by the pet.
Additionally, many people experience disenfranchised grief after the loss of a pet (Wong et al.,
2017). Disenfranchised grief results in social isolation and a lack of support (Packman et al.,
2014), which could lead to further decreased social interest and feelings of discouragement. PET LOSS 37
Furthermore, if someone is experiencing self-imposed disenfranchised grief, it can lead to further isolation (Reisbig et al., 2017) and lack of social interest because the grieving person will not reach out to the community for support.
Pets can be a large source of encouragement, provide consistency, support, reassurance, and nonjudgmental love to their people (Walsh, 2009b). After the loss of a pet, it may be a difficult adjustment without that source of encouragement. Children turn to their pets for comfort and support (Irvine & Cilia, 2017) and often rank the relationship with pets higher than human relationships (Purewal et al., 2017), so a child could be more susceptible to feeling discouraged after the death of a pet. Disenfranchised grief can cause shame and reduced self- esteem after the loss of a pet (Wong et al., 2017), and shame and low self-esteem could lead to further discouragement.
When children struggle with the loss of a pet, they may develop mistaken goals, begin to misbehave, and need help reestablishing the crucial Cs. When a pet dies, a child may become discouraged and turn to misbehavior because without courage, the crucial Cs cannot be fulfilled in a useful manner (Bettner & Lew, 1989). A child may have felt a deep connection with the deceased pet and is unsure how to establish feelings of belonging and significance without the pet. To regain the feelings of connection, belonging, and significance, the child could develop the mistaken goal of undue attention (Bettner, 2014). When the pet died, the child may feel it was his or her fault if the child was in charge of taking care of the pet. After the loss of a pet, a child may not know how to contribute to the family. If the child felt unable to successfully care for the pet, and is unsure how to contribute, the child may begin to feel incapable and seek power to gain feelings of value and status (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). PET LOSS 38
A child may seek revenge if the child feels hurt, unsupported (due to invalidated feelings), or offended by others acting as if the loss is trivial and unimportant. Since the child’s grief for the deceased pet has been disenfranchised, the child may feel the best way to regain significance and importance is to hurt others, which allows the child to feel that he or she counts
(Bettner, 2014). With a lack of support or courage, children may show a display of inadequacy if they cannot find a way to contribute, connect, or feel capable without their pets.
Implications for Practice
Holistic practitioners recognize the importance of seeing all the pieces of a person, which includes social and family aspects of the individual (Griffith & Powers, 2007). Pets are a large part of many people’s lives (Walsh, 2009b), so mental health professionals should ask about current and past pets. Clients may be hesitant to share how deeply they cared for a pet or may consider the pet unimportant to the therapeutic process or mental health professional (Sable,
2013); therefore, mental health professionals need to include pets in genograms (see Figure 1) and assessments so they do not miss possible important aspects of clients’ lives. To gain additional insight into the importance of the pet in a client’s life, Toray (2004) recommended asking the following questions:
1. What is your current and past pet ownership?
2. What roles have pets played in your life (e.g., companionship or guarding the house)?
3. How does the pet affect your (or your family’s) daily life?
4. How would you define the relationship you have or had with the pet (e.g., best friend
or family member)?
5. Are (or were) you closer to the pet than other family members or friends?
6. If you have children, what is their relationship to the pet? PET LOSS 39
7. Do you use your pet for emotional support? How important is the emotional support
to you?
8. Do you have any experiences with euthanizing a pet, and what are they?
9. Have you experienced the death of a pet? What were the circumstances of the death?
How did other friends and family react to you after the death?
Figure 1. Sample of a family genogram with pets.
Due to the disenfranchised grief many pet parents feel after the loss of a pet (Hess-
Holden et al., 2017), mental health professionals must normalize and validate grief associated with pet loss so pet parents can grieve and heal in a healthy way (Hess-Holden et al., 2017;
Sable, 2013). As of this writing, traditional ways to mourn a pet do not exist, which can be difficult for people struggling with loss, and mental health professionals can help pet parents grieve by helping families create memorials or rituals to mourn their pet (Hess-Holden et al.,
2017). Children need their parents to be honest and open about death and grief and to mourn with them (Kubler-Ross, 1969). Mental health professionals may need to assist parents in facilitating conversations with their children about death and educate parents that mourning with PET LOSS 40 their children over the loss of the pet can protect the child from feeling disenfranchised grief and help them heal.
Mental health professionals can teach families coping skills and help families heal in more than one way. By having a family acknowledge, grieve, and cope with their loss together, the family will be better able to comfort one another. For example, families could engage in mindfulness practices. Mindfulness can help family members who feel overwhelmed by their emotions. After finding a quiet, comfortable place to perform these exercises, families could utilize one of the following scenarios:
Meditation ( “Getting Started,” n.d.)
1. Sit in a comfortable position. Feet flat on the floor, sitting straight, and rest your
palms wherever feels natural.
2. Close or relax your eyes.
3. Feel your breath. Focus on the air entering and exiting your nose and mouth and the
rise and fall of your chest and stomach.
4. Observe your thoughts without judgment or reaction.
5. Recognize each time a thought distracts you and gently return your focus back to your
breathing.
6. When you finish, open your eyes and note how your body feels and notice your
thoughts and emotions.
Body Scan (Greater Good in Action, n.d.)
For each of these steps, take your time and really notice the sensations and feelings in each part of your body. (Online audio is available for guided body scans.)
1. Lie on your back or find somewhere to sit comfortably. PET LOSS 41
2. Close or relax your eyes.
3. Feel the weight of your body on the chair or on the floor.
4. Take a couple deep breaths and feel the oxygen come into your body and relaxing
your body a little more each time you breathe out.
5. Notice how your feet feel against the floor - their weight, pressure, and heat.
6. Notice your legs - their heaviness against the chair or floor.
7. Notice your back against the chair or the floor.
8. Notice your stomach, and if your stomach is tense, take a breath and let it soften.
9. Notice your hands, feel any sensations in them, let them soften.
10. Now notice your arms and allow stress to be released from your shoulders and relax
them.
11. Notice your neck and throat. Soften them and relax.
12. Soften your jaw and all your facial muscles. Allow your whole face to be soft
13. Take notice of your entire body and one more deep breath.
14. Maintain your awareness of your body, and when you are ready, open your eyes.
The grieving process will increase the family’s social interest, enable the family to encourage each other, and increase their sense of belonging (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964). Additionally, talking about the deceased pet with others who understand and empathize with the loss, and sharing memories as a family can lessen feelings of disenfranchised grief as it increases feelings of belonging. Family members could talk openly or write about the loss (see Figure 2 for a sample talking or writing tool).
Journaling, drawing pictures, creating a photo book, or creating other memorials are creative ways for family members to express themselves nonverbally if they are uncomfortable PET LOSS 42 talking about the grief. Writing a letter to the deceased pet may especially help adolescents who feel they have lost their confidante. Reading books about grief and loss can help family members understand their grief and feel encouraged by seeing others who have been through similar experiences with grief. In addition, a family who decides to honor their pet by volunteering at an animal shelter has the potential to increase their social interest.
Memory Prompt Answer
1. When did you get your pet? 2. Why or how did you pick him or her to be your pet? 3. Describe your pet’s personality. 4. What is something you liked to do with your pet? 5. What was your pet’s favorite activity? 6. What was your pet’s favorite toy? 7. Did your pet do any special tricks? 8. What did you like best about your pet? 9. What will you miss most about your pet? 10. Who was closest to the pet? 11. What things did you depend on your pet for? (e.g., happy greeting when you get home, comfort when you are sad) 12. What about your pet made you feel proud? 13. What did your pet do that embarrassed you? 14. How was your pet naughty? 15. How did your pet interact with others? 16. How was your pet involved in big life events? (e.g., weddings, birthdays, holidays) 17. How did you celebrate your pet’s birthday or “gotcha day?” PET LOSS 43
18. What was your pet’s favorite treat? 19. What did you love about your pet? 20. What was the funniest thing your pet ever did? 21. What did your pet teach you? Figure 2. Sample family writing tool used for memory prompt activity. This could be adjusted to allow as much space as needed for each question.
Socially established ways to mourn pets have not been established (Hess-Holden et al.,
2017), so mental health professionals can help families discover how they want to mourn their pets with rituals, memorials, and-or funerals. Mental health professionals may want to suggest or steer the family toward memorializing the pet in ways that will help the family address other struggles (see Figures 3, 4, and 5). A funeral may bring a family additional support and feelings of belonging as others outside of the immediate family show their support and empathy. Having children create their own memorials, or choose what memorial the family will do together, can increase feelings of connection, capability, counting, and courage and discourage mistaken goals of misbehavior.
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Figure 3. Deceased pet paw print in cement garden stone.
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Figure 4. Using social media to obtain support for pet loss. PET LOSS 46
Figure 5. Remembering a deceased pet’s birthday via online community. Members submit thoughts, pictures, and comments.
Psychoeducation is also an important component used to help people heal as they grieve.
Pet parents can benefit from psychoeducation regarding disenfranchised grief, and pet loss support groups could be accessed for increased feelings of support and empathy (Hess-Holden et al., 2017). Mental health professionals should educate people about the stages of grief (see handout in Appendix) and possible physical, emotional, and social symptoms associated with grief. When people mourn their pets, they could receive education on disenfranchised grief (see
Appendix) because they have likely experienced disenfranchised grief in some way.
Additionally, information about pet attachment could be discussed to help normalize the grief response. Parents with grieving children could gain insight from psychoeducation about the goals of misbehavior, the crucial Cs, and how to encourage their children after the loss of a pet.
PET LOSS 47
Recommendations for Future Research
A need exists to continue research about the loss of a pet and how that loss affects families. It would be useful for mental health professionals to obtain evidence-based practices around pet loss and learn how to address the loss within the therapeutic environment.
Additionally, researchers could continue to study attachment styles and pets along with
Individual Psychology techniques. For example, researchers could study the impact of grief on the goals of misbehavior (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964) and the crucial Cs (Bettner, 2014). Mental health professionals could use this information to foster a healthy grief process after pet loss.
Conclusion
Many people are as attached, or more attached, to their pets than to their family members
(Hess-Holden et al., 2017; Packman et al., 2011). The response to the separation and loss of a pet is similar to that of a human because the human-pet relationship is also an attachment bond
(Brown & Symons, 2016; Packman et al., 2011). Attachment related losses are thought to be the hardest losses to accept and result in high levels of distress (Connors, 2011). The bond between pets and their people needs to be recognized, better understood, and more widely acknowledged.
The deaths of pets have large impacts on their people and the family system (Hess-Holden et al.,
2017). Helping families (a) understand their attachment to their pets, (b) acknowledge that grieving the pet is normal, and (c) establish coping mechanisms could foster healing after pet loss. Disenfranchised grief would not be as common for pet families if more people knew and understood that strong attachment bonds with pets leads to increased feelings of grief, and it is common for people to be strongly attached to their pets (Packman et al., 2014).
Individual Psychology concepts provide additional insight to the grief process and behaviors. Understanding the impact a pet could have on social interest (Griffith & Powers, PET LOSS 48
2007), feelings of belonging (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1964), feelings of encouragement (Dreikurs &
Soltz, 1964), and the crucial Cs (Bettner, 2014) could help mental health professionals when working with grieving families. Normalizing grief, teaching coping skills, helping family members talk about their pets, and helping them memorialize their pets could move families forward and reach the final stage of grief: acceptance. PET LOSS 49
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Appendix
Disenfranchised Grief
When a pet passes away, many people experience disenfranchised grief.
What is disenfranchised grief?
It is when a person receives no social support for their grief or their grief is trivialized or
or unacknowledged. It can lead to unresolved grief and can intensify feelings of anger,
isolation, shame, guilt, and despair.
Potential ways to avoid disenfranchised grief:
1. Allow yourself and others to grieve the loss. 2. Continue conversations about the deceased pet with others who empathize. a. Talk about your grief and loss. b. Share memories of time spent with the pet. 3. Join a support group for pet loss. 4. Have a funeral. 5. Create a memorial. Memorials can be created with photos, artistic expression, volunteering, or anything that you feel memorializes your pet. 6. Express and feel your feelings.
Information obtained from Hess-Holden et al. (2017), Packman et al. (2014), Reisbig et al. (2017), and Sife (2014).
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Grief Overview
The stages of grief do not have to occur in order. Individuals grieve differently; people may go through all the stages, they might skip stages, or they might repeat stages.
Denial Common feelings are numbness, shock and disbelief, avoidance and confusion.
Denial can help a person cope who is not emotionally ready to process the death.
Allow people in denial process the information in their own time.
Anger Common feelings are frustration, irritation, and anxiety
Anger is not always logical or valid in this stage.
People in this stage may blame others or blame themselves (feel guilty).
Bargaining Bargaining can be an escape from the pain and a distraction from the loss.
Bargaining is an attempt to regain control in something a person cannot control.
Depression Common feelings are emptiness, helplessness, sadness, loneliness, guilt, anger, and numbness.
Additionally, people may withdraw from their lives, be preoccupied with memories of the deceased, feel overwhelmed, and often cry.
Depression is a normal stage in grief and cannot be rushed.
Acceptance In acceptance, a person learns to live with the loss, even though they may never feel okay with the loss.
Remembering, recollecting, and reorganizing are part of healing.
Information obtained from Kubler-Ross & Kessler (2005) and Kubler-Ross (1969)