The Veterinarian’s Guide To Pet Loss Preventing the preventable Preparing for the inevitable Grieving without regrets Myrna Milani, DVM © 2011 by Myrna Milani All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without permission from the author, except for the inclusion of quotations in a review. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage or retrieval system, without permission from the author, except for the inclusion of quotations in a review. Published by: Fainshaw Press, Charlestown, New Hampshire ISBN: 9780943290089 Other Books by Myrna Milani, DVM The Art of Veterinary Practice Preparing for the Loss of Your Pet A Loss for Words The Weekend Dog The Invisible Leash The Body Language and Emotion of Dogs The Body Language and Emotion of Cats Dog Smart Cat Smart Dedication For Ann Firestone, my best friend and professional colleague with whom I’ve shared the loss of so many wonderful patients and pets over the years and learned so much about love along the way Table of Contents Introduction Chapter One The Final Journey 17 Chapter Two Somewhere Over the Rainbow 40 Chapter Three A Bolt Out of the Blue 62 Chapter Four The Long Good-bye 84 Chapter Five Guilt Plus Five 107 Chapter Six The Feminine Touch 137 Chapter Seven The Masculine Reserve 163 Chapter Eight The Loss of Innocence 187 Chapter Nine Double Jeopardy 222 Chapter Ten A Fond Farewell 245 Introduction Everyone in the county looked forward to the Rocky Hill Pet Fair, the premier social event of the year. While some attendants compete for trophies for the most unusual, best dressed, funniest, most beautiful, or best-behaved pets, others participate in a variety of games with their furred, feathered, or scaled best friends. Many people, though, just come to see all the animals and their people and to celebrate the wonderful relationships between them. However eavesdropping at the perimeter of the festivities reveals some surprises about those human-animal relationships. “Look, there’s Lily with Sebastian!” one woman exclaims to her two companions, gesturing toward a thirty-something woman with a black Lab. “Don’t the two of them look wonderful together?” “A perfect pair, if I ever saw one,” replies the first companion. “But God forbid anything ever happens to that dog. Lily will go completely to pieces.” “You gotta be kidding!” exclaims the second. “He’s only a dog!” A short distance away elderly Earl Myers, whose cat just claimed first prize in the Oldest Pet contest, croons to his pet affectionately, “What do those young folks know about getting old, hey Dusty? You and I are going to live forever, no matter what the vet said about that tumor of yours,” a sentiment that brings tears to Earl’s daughter’s eyes. On the periphery of the ring in which children show their pets, a man holds his breath as his six-year-old daughter marches importantly around the ring with Bear, the family’s St. Bernard, while the audience applauds appreciatively. “There, you see. He behaved perfectly,” he comments to his wife with a relieved sigh. “Still, I’m glad the judge was a woman. Bear doesn’t seem to like any men but me lately.” “Bear doesn’t seem to like a lot of people lately,” his wife corrects him. “I really think we should find a new home for him before something terrible happens.” “I’d agree if it weren’t for Tara,” her spouse replies as the little girl comes running toward them. “She’d never forgive us if we got rid of her dog.” Suddenly an announcement blares over the public address system, shattering the pastoral setting. “Escaped pot-bellied pig from Ring Three! Escaped pot- bellied pig from Ring Three!” No sooner does the amplified voice fade than another cry pierces the once peaceful afternoon and causes all of the assembled pet-lovers’ hearts to leap into their throats. “Jilly, Jilly, come back! No, no! Don’t run into the highway!” So began a book I wrote on pet loss more than a decade ago, but the same events that end human-companion animal relationships described there and throughout this book still occur to people worldwide. If anything and thanks to the more complex and uncertain world we now live in, the effects may be even more devastating for many people. Of all the different facets of the human-animal bond I‟ve written or spoken about during my many years as an independent scholar exploring the interaction of companion animal health, behavior, and the human-animal relationship, none consistently evokes such a wide range of responses as the subject of pet loss. At one end of the spectrum, avid pet-lovers like Libby find the idea of losing their pets so terrifying that they don‟t even want to consider it. At the other end, we find those like Libby‟s skeptical companion who, though he cares deeply about her and wants to support her through any traumatic event, doesn‟t comprehend the nature of her relationship with her dog at all. “You must admit that the idea of sinking into depression because an animal dies does stretch the limits of credibility,” declares the skeptic. Sadly this erroneous belief may plague pet-lovers as well as those unfamiliar with this phenomenon. But as we‟ll see in the pages ahead, the nature of the human-animal bond affects both the physiology and the behavior of human and animal in an infinite number of ways. When death or loss by some other means severs that bond we will sense it, even if not in any ways we can clearly communicate to others. To deny the validity of those feelings because we don‟t think others will understand is to deny ourselves the healing process necessary to make peace with the loss. To deny those feelings in others because we personally don‟t share their feelings about that particular animal ranks on a par with denying the reds and greens they can see that we can‟t because we‟re colorblind. For those who find themselves in the latter category, the following text will sensitize you to the different ways pet loss occurs and how owners respond so you can offer meaningful support to animal- loving friends and family members, even if you don‟t fully comprehend the loss yourself. For those who maintain no doubts that the loss of a pet by any means would leave an un-fillable void in their lives, almost forty years spent working with clients under some of the worst conditions convinces me that nothing causes pet-owners more grief than the bottomless pit created by their fears of the unknown. I‟m also fully aware that even veterinarians determined to do the best by their clients may lack the time, experience, or communication skill to address those unknowns to their clients‟ satisfaction. Because of this, I include discussions of what happens when animals die naturally or as a result of euthanasia, and the worst as well as the best that might befall pets given up or lost. “Surely nothing can be worse than losing a pet to death,” Libby states emphatically. Not true. Unfortunately many people erroneously view those who give up pets as heartless clods who treat animals as throwaways. When questioned by nonjudgmental interviewers in nonthreatening surroundings, however, those who do so often confess heart-wrenching stories of hiding beloved pets from landlords, taking in strays they couldn‟t afford to keep, or trying to solve pet-related problems under overwhelming circumstances. In almost all cases those people speak of agonizing long and hard over giving up their pets, often for months and longer. When pressured by others to explain all that led up to this difficult decision in a few sentences, like those asked to explain why they want their pets euthanized, these people may feel so overwhelmed by guilt and remorse that they respond fearfully and lash out, freeze, or try to evade the question. Similarly those whose pets disappear often must go through a grieving process that may rival that experienced by those who lose a pet to death. No matter what we may want to tell ourselves, lack of training or other owner negligence of some sort almost always contributes to this form of pet loss. Not only does that awareness give others the right to look askance at us when we lose our pets in this manner, it also sets us up for a double dose of guilt. “I understand the need for all that,” Lily concedes. “But I still don‟t see how we can possibly prepare for the loss of a pet. Surely each person is different.” While Libby makes a valid point, a surprising amount of information does exist about all the different causes of pet loss and how we respond to it. Unfortunately, however, most sources that describe the kinds of physical, behavioral, and bond problems that could lead to the loss of a pet assume the owner still owns the animal and intends to treat the problem. While such information most certainly can and does prevent pet loss due to death, euthanasia, give-ups, or disappearance every day, it also produces more guilt than comfort when owners turn to it after they lose an animal.