A Survey of the Modern Orthodox Jewish Community in the United States September 2017

Responses to Q32. How have your attitudes toward sexuality changed over the past few years? (This followed Q31, which asked if the respondent’s attitudes toward sexuality had changed over the past few years, in terms of their knowledge, personal expectations, etc.; this was asked of those who responded “Yes.”)

A NOTE ON ANONYMITY: The responses are presented verbatim, without corrections of spelling or grammar. We value respondents’ anonymity very highly and treat it with the greatest respect and caution. To that end, all potentially identifying information (such as names of cities, shuls, rabbis, or other information that might identify a respondent) has been edited for purposes of anonymity [edits may be indicated by square brackets]. Please contact Nishma Research if you have any questions or comments on this matter.

• More respectful of the wide variety of experiences of • I just learned more I think others • I got married; for obvious reasons as somebody that • Much moe tolerant of LBGQT didn't have premarital sex that changed everything! • Awareness of sexuality as more of a spectrum and • They have become more realistic. I also have to thank less binary Batsheva Marcus and Joy of Text and my sexual • Grappling with same sex relationships due to the fact dysfunction doctor who helped me with issues that some of our friends' children are in those pertaining to painful intercourse. relationships • drastically increased acceptance of LGBTQ individuals • More cognizant of transgender & LGBT issues. + attitudes • More accepting of my sexuality and others • Much more open to physical intimacy outside marriage • I got married • I discovered I was gay • As someone who became more religious recently, I have developed a slightly more traditional view of • Halakhah and shomer were not designed for sexuality recently. singles in their thirties. Developing an ethical approach to intimate physical activity outside the • More conservative personally. scope of halakhah is an important part of my

• I strongly believe that the is the only guide for a adulthood. Jew to live a truly meaningful life, including all its Become more liberal restrictions on sexual activity. • - more sensitively. as a husband, it was important to • I have become more open and accepting of other me to recognize that it was difficult from my wife to people's sexual identity but as a cohen I personally go from "0 to 100" with little guidance/awareness have challenges with the young modern orthodox and specifically in terms of feeling that such acts are community. As someone who is observant the topic now allowed in marriage of sexuality can make dating more challanging.

• More open to people's ideas and what they want to • Become more liberal. do • I have become more open to diverse human sexuality • Better understanding of gay Jews • Being married has taught me many new things! • Tzinut, humility, shomer negiah • I have learned more about hilchot through a chavruta and that has changed my views on how I • just with aging I have learned more plan to keep taharat mishpacha. • I am more accepting of gay individuals • I have taken the opportunity to be exposed to more

• Learned about a gay person viewpoints on sexuality than I had in my Jewish day • more open and informed school and have thus been able to grow in my • Much more open to homosexuality as a reality understanding of others' experiences. • I have become more accepting of people with • More stringent different orientations or who express their sexuality • I learned hilchos niddah b'iyun. more openly than I do

– 1 – • More nonchalant • Moved away from yeshivish ideas and toward • I've become more secure with with own judgment modern, practical, biological ideas • As an 30 year old single in the Jewish community I • Not as judgey about same sex couples look back on the way shomer negiah was taught and • More open to gays. enforced in my community with a mix of horror and • Sexuality is an important part of our lives, even before shame. We do not cultivate healthy conversations marriage. There was very little discussion of sexuality around sexuality and the expressions thereof in and the anatomy of my body which left me feeling general and especially not for those who are single. unprepared to understand those topics. I do not think • I've become much more open to physical sexuality should be a taboo topic and that the relationships outside of the context of marriage and Orthodox community needs to make an effort to have stopped being shomer negiah. discuss these issues more openly. • Understanding and Including transgender individuals • much more open to sexuality as a spectrum and not into our lives one way or another • As I have gotten older it has been something that I • My attitude is more liberal. have both had to think about and has been more part • It's amazing how your understanding of the world can of conversations. I think that sex was not spoken expand when you educate yourself by taking the time about in high school, but once one is finished with to listen to a wide range of viewpoints and college it is part of the conversation with regards to experiences, both inside and outside the Orthodox dating- even if it is not a public conversation. and Jewish world. • knowledge • I have come to realize that sexuality is an important • I've learned more about feminism, intersectionality, part of my life, even before marriage. There is not masculinity, homophobia, misogyny, and have vowed enough discussion about sexuality and the anatomy to play an active role in disrupting sexism and of the body. This left me feeling naive and discrimination against LGBTQI community members. unprepared to deal with these issues. I am a bug • As I entered into my late 20's and early 30's, I stopped advocate for ending the taboo on these topics and being "shomer negiyah" privately when in a serious discussing them more openly in the Orthodox relationship. I am also very supportive of LGBT rights community. and specifically, Orthodox shuls welcoming LGBT • I discovered after I got married that I had a sexual members fully. This is due to the experience of having pain disorder. Thankfully things have gotten much a few close friends coming out as gay over the past better, but this was something that I had never heard few years, which pushed me from being hesitantly of was totally unprepared for. It took me a long time open to LGBT rights to being fully supportive. to understand what was happening to me and led to • More open to LGBTQ. Less judgemental of older me losing trust in my body for a while. I wished this singles being sexually active. was something that my kallah teacher could have made me aware of, because I've learned that this is • I no longer believe in sex outside of marriage (and, as actually fairly common and that there's a community such, stopped having it) of women who have gone through this. It would have

• I support lgbqt rights, even though I believe this helped me to have been aware of this possibility perspective incompatible with torah before I got married, and also would have helped me • Its just more complicated and less ascetic than I feel less stigmatized. thought • Much more comfortable talking about sex in all • I have only been sexually active since my wedding 2 settings. years ago. I was surprised to find a sex-positive • From an opinion very critical of gay Jews who identify attitude in and learned about it during my as Orthodox to one of understanding that there is kallah classes. My relationship with mikvah is more little choice in sexuality (different opion re: gender), positive than I expected it to be, but my relationship and most would chose to be heterosexual if possible. with the harchakot and the yemim nekiyim is more Would like to see them accepted in shuls, but must negative than I expected. When I have questions I ask appreciate that it is still deeply complicated. a , or use the nishmat website, but the Maharat is not in my shul.

– 2 – • I am very recently married, so I went from an • I became a doctor. I'm not scared of female anatomy immature view of basic avoidance to acceptance and anymore. enjoyment • my nephew is gay - opened up my mind • Got married • More accepting of homosexuals • I think it is a part of a person that needs to be • More strict controlled in a healthy manner. • Dealing with boys going through puberty • I've developed a more open-minded view as my • I look at sexuality through a Jewish lens and experience getting to know other people from other appreciate the family purity laws. walks of life and their perspectives. • Open to acceptance of homosexuality in modern I got married, so I have personal experience. • synnagogues • Become more exploration and encouraged spouse to • Different strokes for different folks do the same • Accept homosexual-lesbian self definition • Toward my own sexual needs, in the context of

getting older and having children. • Not clear what you are asking for in this question. I will say that I have always been LGBTQ excepting and

• Less restrictive a la my super-yeshivish kalla teacher. embracing. I am an Orthodox mother of a gay son and • I've become more halachically oriented I am fully open and embracing about it and him. • I have become very concerned that we are too • Much less opinionated modest in our discussions of sexuality. • Now that I'm married and having sex it's less foreign • Since getting married I think about the act of sex and to me sexual attraction in many different ways. There are • Much more knowledgeable of concerns of GLBTQ many expectations that one has about sex and community intimacy (and I'm even speaking about the mature

understandings of them) that are different to the • more understanding of homosexuality couple based on their values, physical needs and • More understanding desires, etc. and I feel that we're starting to a real • Mostly, I like to think I've simply grown wiser. I was grasp on what those mean to us as a couple. not religious as a young adult, which coincided with • More open to discussion. Question/less identification the Flower Children era. Today I am far more with hamachik approach to sexuality conservative on the subject. • Become more open, people should be able to do • More understanding of homosexual Concerns what they want. • EDITED: As a young woman, became more aware of • Much more open to gender differences and a user of porn. More sexually self-aware. Advises friends on the subject. Used to ascribe to abstinence • I've always been pretty open to the idea of it, but the more I learn, the more empowered I feel about it, and until marriage. But then I had my first kiss from my the more I want to learn about the actual halachot crush at a college visit weekend to Stern College then regarding it, and the more I realize I've not been I hooked up with an Israeli guy during shana alef, and taught, which motivates me to learn more. then I started being sexually active with various boyfriends during my undergrad years in Stern. Today I think I have more comfort supporting hat rights • I have been dating my boyfriend for close to 8 months politically but not religiously. It's hard to feel both at and our sex life has been a blessing for both of our once. lives. I feel so blessed to be with someone so sexually • I got married three years ago and was not sexually compatible with me. So when my parents push us to active prior to marriage, so it was not something that get married now because of "the ," well... I had actual experience with before a few years ago. they just have no idea. • More accepting of same sex relationships. • I've developed a deeper understanding of sexuality as • I have more knowledge of LGBTQ sexuality and more a complex phenomenon, the importance of it in my knowledge of child-development in terms of life and in human life, and the possibilities for sexuality. I seek out more sources proactively. enjoyment and connection that it offers. • More accepting • More lenient and less stringent and judgmental with • More exploration within the framework of Halacha age

– 3 – • Inclined to believe orthodox communities need to • What happens in the bedroom is no one else's ensure gay individuals can feel like they have a place business. My attitude is more open. in and belong in the community. • I have become more knowledgeable and open • well, i came to terms with being a straight woman in • Become more knowledgeable and education through the wrong body. classes, books, etc • I have become more comfortable with and • I am less accepting of demonstrative sexuality and knowledgeable about sexuality as I have experienced advocate greater privatization of sexual expression it directly in the course of my marriage over the last • I have learned much more about gender and sexual three years. diversity. • I've become much more open to sexual possibilities • I was a child of the 60's. Now I am 68, widowed 2½ and accepting of sexuality in general. Whereas a few years ago, starting to "date," and have learned to years ago I did not intend to have premarital sex, I recognize the wisdom of the traditional way of doing now do. (Although I don't intend to get married, so things as opposed to the way I grew up. I'm not sure it's technically "premarital", but I

digress.) • I have become more knowledgable and comfortable with the idea. • become more understanding of gay relationships

including marriage • I view sexuality in a more Jewish context than I did previously. • Yes more accepting • Learned more as I got married... became more matured like other attitudes • comfortable discussing sexuality with doctors etc • It is 2017 and I have become less judgmental and • I view sexuality in a more Jewish context than I had more accepting of people who live their lives previously. differently from mine • Acceptance of lesbian and gay members of the Acceptance of homosexulaity and other forms of • orthodox jewish community is very important b cause interpersonal identification they too were created b'tzelem Elohim • More accepting of different orientations. Also more • I see a fuller picture of sexuality; how it drives human open to different sexual activities with spouse. behavior. I understand that homosexuality is not a • I used to think being shomer negiah was of the personal preference for most gay individuals, but an utmost importance. I currently believe that doing so inner drive. could be detrimental to one's relationship with a • We are always learning. significant other before they are married. • I've become more aware of LGBTQ issues and

• more understanding of people struggles and have learned more about psychology of • Understanding more and more that sexual orientation love and relationships and have strengthened my is not an entirely voluntary choice. views on what a relationship should be etc • I got married and went from being Shomer Negiah • Must accept people for who they are Their sexuality is into a committed relationship. I learned a lot more not my affair about my own sexulaity through this process. • I was not raised in orthodoxy, and so I've developed • Got married- changed everything! an appreciation for the spiritual element of • I have read more. Understood more about sexuality sexual/sexuality. in marriage and how to educate religious youth in • Recognizing the reality and ramifications of the fact positive ways. that orientation is God-given and not learned. Gay • Accepting of homosexuality. people, like diabetics, are unable (as compared to • homoseuxality is an inherent trait and orthodox shuls unwilling) to perform certain Mitzvas. It doesn't and communities should stop pretneding that its a preclude them from doing the others. choice. • Became more tolerant • i am much more accepting of openly practicing gay • I guess that I have become a lot less homophobic over people the years • As a baal shuva, I have greater respect toward those • I try to educate our children about sex in a who oppose pre-marital sex developmentally appropriate way.

– 4 – • Sex is more scheduled. Also have increased • I have remarried and my wife and I are committed to affectionate actions within our marriage on a more taharas hamishpachah, which is a new addition to my daily cycle. We are careful to be kind to each other, life. even in times of stress. • Expanded my understanding of sexuality both • less homophobic generally and personally. Developed a more forgiving • life getting more hectic changes realistic expectations and positive approach to sexuality. Developed a more of sexual life. open and communicative approach to sexuality. • Breaking the gender barrier. • As I have become more religious I have viewed my own sexual conduct in a different light. For example, • Much more open and forthcoming, high school and my husband and I were never shomer negiah and it Jewish education tends to have some ridiculous, became increasingly more difficult to feel comfortable unhealthy, unrealistic expectations and attitudes towards sexuality, especially for women/ and young with having sex before marriage. people in general. There is a great deal of shame and • Before we got married, I had no concept of my own repression, rather than acceptance, discussion, sexuality. Coming from Bais Yaakov, I was very awareness and knowledge. insecure about my own body and what it could do. Thankfully, my husband was very knowledgeable and • More understanding of homosexuality understanding (due to his more open upbringing) and

• I have learned from listening to the Joy of Text fought with his Rabbi to allow us to do anything we podcast wanted in the bedroom (oral sex, etc). Now I feel I • I have become much more understanding of have a very healthy and positive sexual experience homosexuality thanks to him, but I know this is not always the case • I'm much more conservative in my views. for many from my background. • Lines are much more blurred. • I have learned to separate my personal religious belief • Abstaining until marriage is neither realistic nor on the life choices of others from my understanding widely upheld in my community. of their moral rectitude and have been able to prevent myself from relating to such individuals in any • I got married this past yr and I now have a much other way besides that which their social and better understanding of the tahras hamishpacha and interpersonal actions would dictate. the beauty in which that entails • I have become more accepting of LGBT individuals • coming from a family that was chozer betshuva there was minimal exposure to sex even for educational • I'm 18 now, so basically changing of attitude was purposes i think that some communities look down learning what it was. upon asking questions, talking about uncomfortable • Our daughter came out as LGBT and we became very topics, etc that wont help us grow involved with Eshel which supports frum parents of • As a result of general increased knowledge and gay children. Changed my whole perspective. maturity I have recognized that sexuality is fluid and • I'm not sure how to explain. exists on a spectrum of sorts • Terminated sexual relations • much more liberal for other people I still wish people • Judaism supports marriage centered sexuality would not share their sexual orientation publiclly • Becoming shomer negia. and pridefully. Feel free to stay in the closet, I will not I've become more accepting of gay rights. pry , Show respect for our Rabbis and tradition Why • do I have to know what you do out of shul? • Less repressed • I have accepted myself as a lesbian • As I have become religious I first went from having a typical secular attitude that premarital sex is positive • I've just been exposed to more knowledge and have to reluctantly accepting prohibitions against created a sense of "to each their own" on this issue. premarital sex and now to embracing and really

• become more conservative believing in the value of not having sex outside of • More open to finding a place for homosexual Jews in marriage. modern orthodoxy • I learned to appreciate the times I'm a niddah.

• I think homosexuals do not choose to be that way. • My understanding of Lgbt issues has increased • more open to other peoples desires

– 5 – • Became married, developed a more spiritually • They have become more lax. I understand better inclined attitude toward the topic. about gender fluidity and appreciate people's • I found out that my kallah class teacher taught me demand for full rights of all orientations. chumros as halachos. • As we become a more tolerant, progressive world- we • more understanding of gay issues need to understand more about various communities and sub-communities. • I realized how stupid shomer negiah is for people who are still single past the age of 21 or 22. • expecting that having a baby naturally might not occur, it is a 'norm' to be sexually active before • more open to acceptance of LGBTQ marriage • more open to discuss and more flexible thinking • Disappointment • Got married • I have unlearned my nails yaakov education. I now

• More open believe that Hashem gave me my body and desires as • I have become more open and accepting of a way to fully connect to my spouse. My body and individuals who's sexual gender orientation is not sexual needs and desires are not shameful or wrong generally approved by halacha and are simply.private, rather than embarassing • As the parents of a young child, we've struggled to • acceptance of gay rights and gender identity rigts find time to connect as a couple. • More accepting of LBGT people My personal inclinations haven't changed but my • • More liberal view of LGBT+ people has become less about them

being the butt of jokes, and more viewing them as full • More accepting of Gay and transgender people. human beings deserving of dignified treatment, same • I got married 4 years ago. While I was single, I never as anyone else. talked about anything with anyone and I had so much anxiety about getting married. I worked with a • I have become more and more accepting and therapist and a kallah teacher. After I got married, understanding of various people's experiences and I've been much more open about talking about things, lives. vocalizing my feelings, and I've been much more able

• Now, I am accepting of all people and whatever their to talk to my husband openly about our sex lives. sexuality is, that was not the case before. • More open minded with myself and others • Became more understanding and liberal thinking • More strict after seeing how every year & every • In getting married I leave more about Jewish generation loses more innocence & modesty & approaches becomes more desensitized & more base.

• more aware of the prevalence of different identities • Brought up to believe that sex wasn't important

• I am more welcoming to homosexual individuals • I have become more accepting of those with within Orthodox practice alternative lifestyles.

• It's no longer as important • More tolerant of gay marriage. More aware of diverse opinions and the plight of • • I believe that gay Jewish families should be able to be those marginalized by the unlearned masses. members of my shul.

• I am more cognizant that things vary from person to • I am more open to secular gay marriage. person and there is no normal. • I've become more accepting of LGBTQ issues. • More accepting • Others might have different orientation Am more

• I was already somewhat accepting of practices understanding and accepting considered out of the norm. I'm now a bit more I am very accepting of any Jew as long as they are accepting than before. • ethical and a mensh • Much more open to LGBT • More accepting. • Am more tolerant of the existence of same sex i believe in pre marital sex couples. • • I am less opposed to my daughter having sex before • more open marriage if it's in the context of a loving relationship • Open to more experiences. • I think that gender isolation in the community is damaging to social structure

– 6 – • more accepting of people who are gay • I have became more accepting towards the LGBT • I've reached menopause so some things have community. changed regarding my sexuality. • When it became clear that the rabbanut in Israel • Greater understanding, compassion and acceptance secretly but intentionally put something in marriage of individuals of all communities. ceremony in nonreligious communities (i.e., nonkosher witness) so that it can be retroactively • My nephew is gay. It's very hard for me to come to annulled if necessary in order to prevent mamzeirim, terms with, but I'm trying. the concept of premarital sex on a religious level,

• In general I've become more tznius in my dress and changed. It was explained that such child born of such behavior. I have come to see the value in it more and union has no stigma. But community on whole (or more as I've grown in my observance on other levels. male rabbis) dont want men to become irrelevant and On another note, though, I have come to resent some allow or endorse single motherhood when women of the derabanan additions to the family purity laws cannot fidn a spouse. Meanwhile 65 year old single and I have often found myself wishing that we could men will say they want t a "young wife" who can have have a again so the rules could be children... yeah, where were they when the women modified. I believe more non-orthodox women would they were dating said that 15/20 years ago? be willing/interested to do niddah and if it

were a little less confusing and a little more • I might be a bit more liberal reasonable for people who tend to have short • I am a , so this is my field. menstrual cycles. • More conservative • I have 2 family members who are transgender. I have • I am no longer looking to hook up because I found my become more understanding of their experience. wife. • mush more open about LGBT • I am more accepting of gay/lesbian relationships than • I got married and became sexually active. I'm sure it's I was, more likely to consider relationships outside of changed my attitude - not sure how. and • Advocate for acceptance of LGBT Jews who wish to • I have become more liberal remain in the modern orthodox community. • More open • I believe that Orthodox views of sexuality are deeply • I am more accepting of same sex couples as love does and fundamentally misogynist and rooted in a need to not have a wrong or a right keep women at a disadvantage. • Mixed feelings over the practice of taharat • Less judgmental about other people's choices. hamishpacha and its lack of openness to modernity premarital sex would not have "ruined" me and I • No longer shomer negiah due to too many single would have found a suitable mate anyway. Orthodox men being gay. I don't want to marry a gay • believe that for many, although not all, persons who man so I need to test out his heterosexuality... identify as gay that this is biologically driven and that • People are what they are. cannot be "cured" and that those persons who • More snius choose to engage in same sex relations should be welcomed even though such conduct is not • More open to secular gay marriages. halachically approved. however, opposed to • more tolerant of alternate behaviors and lifestyles recognizing "gay marriage" • I now believe that it is not necessary to experience • Prior to marriage, I had no experience. As I am now sexuality prior to marriage married for 13 years, I have a greater understanding • Being that I am a senior, I feel less restricted now for about the subject. many reasons. I now follow my own rules using good • I do believe in the importance of sex after marriage, judgement and high moral standards in my behavior. but I think one should have reasons other than • I have completely given up. I am tired of not being religious ones. I also see the benefit to experimenting satisfied and years of it. I am tired of not being on occasion. listened to as far as desires and wishes • Jewish institutions need to provide MUCH more • More tolerant (healthy) sex education. • More liberal having lived in the broader world.

– 7 – • Things have become less black and white, more gray • except,tolerate, individuals who act and think areas. different than me • Less religious • I no longer feel on a personal level that • More reading and informational. Less emotion-based homosexuality is abhorrent despite the fact the Torah is opposed. I don't think this is a fight Orthodox • Slowly realizing I deserve more and have more rights Judaism should be expending energy on, we have too than I've thought in the past many other far more pressing issues to contend with. • Totally accepting of homosexuality now. No problem

with pre-marital sex. View orthodox attitude as • As I have become an observant Jew, I've increasingly incorporated laws and values of into my creating more problems than necessary. Our kids are personal conduct, eventually becoming shomer negia so confused by all of this. (with a couple of lapses). • I'm more liberal • I used to be very uncomfortable with it. Now, I admire • I'm more conservative in my views of sexuality. those who try to stay Orthodox while being true to • Somewhat more positive about gays. themselves. • I think I have become more fully accepting of things • I have become more knowledgeable and like same sex marriage understanding • Gotten more conservative and more disdainful of • More understanding in general. secular culture • this is a very ambiguous question. is it with regard to • I have come to understand that sexuality is not a judaism or just in general? i have definitely become choice anyone makes - it's how one is born. more open minded, accepting and non-judgemental • Less concerned with what other people do. Everyone about sexual choices has different challenges and it's not for me to decide • Generally slowly but steadily trending toward more which is greater in G-ds eyes. There is little emphasis openness to experimentation in the bedroom (i.e. on women's sexuality in yeshivos and beyond which positions, aids), and observance of harchakot creates a void in married life. vacillates. • More tolerant of people with alternative lifestyles • More understanding of homosexuality, • Having children has made me more aware of displays • I am comfortable in being an openly gay woman living in the open world and a little bit more conservative in an Observant life. I know it is possible if we simply are what I allow into my home or what we listen to and embraced by our communities and our Rabbis learn see. to become better at inclusion. • Will it's up to the person and Hashem • I believe that gay people should no be shunned. • Actually being in a relationship, I feel like my • Am much more accepting of LGBTQ community generalizations have melted away. I find myself • I think gays should have a place in shul and orthodox strongly resonating with the ideas of shomer negia life/community. and actually realizing that touch is precious and Accept other ways....reluctantly something I predominantly only want to share with • my partner. • Far more accepting of different leanings and needs • More wiling to accept people who are different than • more accepting of other peoples choices me • I wonder if the prohibition against premarital sex is a • more tolerant of other - can agree to disagree good idea, and I wonder what should be recommended to couples who have intimacy issues • far more liberal and tolerant and where keeping Niddah would make it worse • My opinion of men has been diminished. I have because they are barely intimate in the first place and learned that too many who pose as Orthodox do not if they all of a sudden feel like being intimate and it's live according to halacha. My husband A"H was an the wrong time of the month, it's a problem. I also exception to that rule. wonder who kids who are raised with it being • Im 20 so if they haven't changed since I was 10 there discouraged from exploring sexuality are expected to would be some serious issues not feel guilty and to feel free when married. • More understanding of others who identify with • I have a deeper understanding of people with LGBTQ different sexual and sexuality issues.

– 8 – • more tolerant of lgbt community observance, avairas and tshuva, community support • I wasa born in 1924 and my views have not changed of human diversity, and promoting anti-bigoted from when I was raised.I realize that there are knew attitudes among fellow Jews. I believe that people will approaches in all social models. struggle with and make avairas having to do sexual attraction/orientation, and trans issues. I promote a • more liberal publicized Torah observant standard of halacha while • more conservative maintaining respect for the privacy of people's sexual • More open toward homosexual members' lives and relationship with HaShem which participation in communal events unequivocally complex and difficult. Much the same • Appreciate the challenges posed by pornography and way many men masturbate, there will always be gay other media depictions of sexual relations, non-binary Jews and their private actions/struggles should not be gender identity, and homosexuality. scrutinized in a way that leads to ostricization and • more inclusive marginalization beyond what they must already feel based on their relationship with Halacha. Promote the • I believe in self acceptance. I don't view people as notion judgement will be from HaShem, not from defined as good or bad as people based upon acts their fellow Jew who during this life can support their that veers from Jewish religious sexual norms. halachic observance in other ways. Tolerance and acceptance does not mean that "Judaism" should redefine its religious norms. • I became a baalas teshuva and learned about the holiness of sexuality. I also attended kallah classes • It is more of a spiritual relationship rather than solely before my marriage. physical. The intimacy is more genuine • I'm married. I wasn't always religious. 1 woman feels • I feel that it needs to be talked about more openly as limiting. with more information the healthier sex life you will have. • More accepting of alternative -- gay, lesbian, trans -- lifestyles • Yes.More accepting of alternative lifestyles of others. • I find many gay people to be kind and productive • Frustration is common and should be expected citizens but still do not believe in gay marriage. • I have been a lot less active • more open minded • I've gone through menopause and my sex drive has • I have gone to the mikvah and tried to follow the laws decreased of family purity. • Yes. I feel, after speaking with friends who have • I've realized that lgbt relationships can be normal, grown up frum and have been married for years, that moral, and halachically observant. I've learned that Orthodox woman need to feel more comfortable sexual modesty is a normal thing that normal people speaking about sexuality within a Halachic context. desire and not (always) a symptom of the oppression Often frum teenage environments have trained girls of women. that sexuality is not something to be discussed because we promote abstinence, however after • acceptance of same sex marriage, recognizing that marriage when sex is permitted women are still under there are more than two genders the impression it's inappropriate to discuss. So if they • More liberal and accepting need guidance or help it often takes a very long time, • I have learned more medical, physiological, if ever, for them to find solutions. psychological and Jewish factors that are at play and • Not mine but others. People who are homosexual or have gotten more involved in education on the topic. trans. I wonder if and how to accept them • Much more accepting of homosexuality; but still have • more open issues with trans-sexuality. • I think sexuality is a very private issue and have little • More open to no opinion of other peoples sexuality. • Not as important as they used to be. • Perfer not to answer • More accepting of mainstream gender issues/ identity • Feel more free and supporting that community • Open to new relationships after . • My own personal experiences have allowed me to • I have come to adopt a very individualist approach become more open, more fluid, and more honest. when it comes to the intersection of halachic • Our son is gay

– 9 – • I'm young, so I've learned more information • We've become more liberal in our private sexual • I'm more accepting of LGBTQ people practices. Our practices may not conform to what is prescribed by her locker or preached by Orthodox • acceptance of the LGBTQ community rabbi's. • I am tolerant of different sexual ways as long as it

does not affect me, or my able to express my views • Becoming a quiet advocate and supporter of organizations with the aim of LGBT inclusion in the openly. I feel there is a political influence that is Orthodox world. Definitely making the Orthodox trying to force me to change how I think. world safer for closeted LGBT. • I have begun to think more about LGBT • I got married... • sexuality like religion is personal • Become more conservative. • believe that homsexuality as committed to marriage,

family, children should be reclassified and treated • I've become more aware/learned about the topic -- both the halachos and secular information (as a single positively.this includes same sex marriage. believe that the halachah should approach sexuality and woman in my early 30s) expression of love more favorably, warmly, more • I'm a sex addict and I've found that religion is not the expressively. solution for that problem, so I've had a different perspective on Judaism because I no longer expect it • I am more aware of things as a result of my profession to help with the addiction. This I believe makes me and current community that often were not discussed have a healthier approach to religion and not put take in my prior community much pressure on myself to be from so that religiin

• I have realized that there is a lot of negativity toward will save me. sex and sexuality, I am attempting to be more open

minded and less reactive when hearing how others • I think it's really important to be open about sexual issues, not to be afraid to discuss them (in the live. appropriate forum) and not to pretend challenges

• I think that sexuality is an important part of human don't exist. experience and needs and that we as Orthodox Jews

need to become more comfortable in discussing this • matured from earlier ages with our kids. I think that teachings • I have become more educated and informed on the about the forbiddenness of normal, healthy sexual lifestyles alternative to my own in effort to be more development such as fantasizing or masturbation empathetic should not be emphasized to teens in schools. I think • More conservative we need to do a better job helping ourselves and our • Accept people with same sex relationships children feel comfortable and confident in their • More interested in fetishes! bodies and in their bodily responses to the world

including nuances of sexual need and desire, and • More liberal empower ourselves, them to develop satisfying ways • Became more sexually active of fulfilling those needs and desires, and learning • I feel it is more important that the Orthodox from a younger age - junior hs, HS - about the ways community accept gay people as part of the Jewish tradition cultivates healthy sexuality. community. • Greater understanding of the role of healthy sexuality • I got married in Jewish life • more knowledgeable and more comfortable • Became more tolerant of other people's sexual • In nore open to understanding transgender and other expression, as one of my daughters, and a niece, sexual orientations identified as same-sex (gay, lesbian, words that mean • Each have their own role n femism goes to far the same thing but have different emotional weight to them) • More concerned about family purity

• I've become more relaxed and open minded, more • I feel more comfortable with my husband open to trying new things to accommodate spouse • Live and let live. Sexuality is private. • I was very sexually active before becoming observant. • Whatever people do as long as their monogamous, Sex through a Jewish lens is very different especially wheater gay ,or strait when with a committed, life-long partner. • more conservation • I've become more accepting of others' choices.

– 10 – • More accepting of alternative sexual orientation. If • I have become more tolerant of non-traditional there is a committed couple of the same sex ...I relationships and I believe people should be free to believe they and their children should be welcome in do anything that is safe and legal with another the community consensual adult. • Do not view homosexuality as a choice and as such • I am more open on questions of inclusion need to find a place in MO for those who are • More open to allowing full participation by LBBTQ • More open-minded and think it's a personal decision, community rather than one that must be dictated by communal • I've become somewhat more accepting of standard. I think it's important to consider what is homosexuality traditional, but for each person to ultimately do what • My son identifies as bisexual, which has really opened is right for themselves. my eyes to Jewish approaches to sexuality • Thought I'd not have sex before marriage and this was • I am unable to accept that God created people with an important value to me, but after being single for so attraction towards others of the same gender and many years and my frustration with these limits, I then forbade them from engaging in intimate decided to have sex with my boyfriend (at age 40, for relationships with people of the same Gender. the first time). Since then I had sex with someone in a consequently I fully support the right of homosexuals more casual romantic relationship. Not something I to marry and participate in the community. ever thought I'd do outside of marriage and feels like

a loss. • I came from a non religious background so I am more conservative now in my PDA • More open minded to couples of varying sexual

orientation. • I have a better understanding of homosexuality, but I still believe that it is against Jewish law. • more accepting and even supportive of gay

relationships, and of intermarriage • I'm more sensitive to women's rights and the dangers of sexual assault against women as well as more

• More liberal towards others' choices accepting of homosexuality and other non- • More understanding of variations conventional gender approaches. • I am more open to those who are LGBT and more • More liberal on homosexual relationships tolerant of what people do in the privacy of their own • Less focused on modesty and more immersed in homes as long as it does not harm others. culture around us, less focused on a woman's body • More understanding of the range of "normal" being bad to men and more about being proud and • I grew up yeshivish and had a more closed view of sex private about who you are until college • I remembered previously suppressed child sexual • I am 23 ( when i was younger i didnt know much.) and abuse. i am currently a student in a MSW program so i have • more tolerant an increased openness • More open to homosexuality • I much more liberal and tolerant than in the past • I have a gay child. • I have come to appreciate how complicated the Strict • Greater LGBTQ acceptance Orthodox expectations of Taharas haMishpocha are for couples to keep when they are in difficult medical • having a 21 year old child with a disability and situations such as IVF. beginning to contemplate what his life may look like in the future and 2) recognizing that sexual I am more open and accepting of alternate lifestyles • preferences and gender identity in many cases is truly and life choices 'nature' vs. 'nurture' and I think culturally, as a Klal, • Have come to understand that not everyone there are difficult discussions to be had in which experiences his/her sexuality, their attractions and acknowledging the times we live in (vis a vis the how they view themselves in the same way (hetero acceptability of one to be outspoken regarding and stable) as I do. gender and sexual preference as well as in action). • Evolved based on LGBT issues. • I am more understanding. I am more confident. • More open, confident, appreciation of varying • more accepting about lifestyle choices approaches • more accommodating of non-conforming sexuality

– 11 – • More tolerant of those who engage in premarital sex. • More positive and open, less shame/"issur" based • Much more focused on being a modest person • More open about it, and also much more accepting of without sexualizing myself or my daughter. Trying to others choices be modest w/o being paranoid but also trying to keep • more open to halacha. • more accepting of others and their sexual identities. • Trying to reconcile issues of homosexuality with the Accepting of LGBT persons and practices Torah. • More knowledgable • More tolerant • I used to think that while being attracted to the same • I am more open to discussing my concerns or sex was fine but acting on it wasn't and those who act questions with someone. In previous instances, I have on it cannot be part of the frum community, now I been more timid and shy about raising up those think we should welcome them. To do so is not questions. condoning it. It's just nobody's business really, and it's • personal experience getting married. and generally no different than any of us doing some aveiras but learning about history of sexuality in US, DSM etc. otherwise living an Orthodox lifestyle. • They have become more ambiguous - it is difficult to • I seeing more of shas and poskim my understanding square, if not outright impossible, the Torah's clear of what is and isn't allowed has shifted to more being message with what is becoming accepted in society, allowed. Sexuality is taken very seriously in Judaism especially when personal friends have identified and therefore comes off as restrictive and sometimes themselves as part of the LGBTQ community. only as a necessary means to having children. In truth (Assuming one believes these orientations are innate I believe now that Judaism allows almost everything and cannot be "unlearned".) as long as the goal and headspace is in line with • More concerned now with the moral and ethical Jewish thought and halacha. components of the sexual drive • I have a stronger belief that sex education is an • I got married, and in learning more about sex, became important component of a good Jewish education. much more open. • I've becoming more forgiving of myself and my needs • More understanding towards gay people and have come to appreciate sex with my husband as a wonderful relationship builder rather than a hot bed • I have become more accepting of my gay brother. for halachic rules and anxiety. Unless it's

• Became more aware of many things. really/explicitly non halachic I try to keep religion out • Became more accepting of different life styles even if of the bedroom these days. I don't approve of them • Not as taboo. Also my husband is an OBGYN with • Very open to people doing what makes them happy Smicha. and hope not to shun people for this choice. • As a widowed single mother, my opinions are quite • Less judgmental of others rare. • think religious bodies should be more accepting of • It's complicated. Having thought I was gay for a while Jews who have different attitudes and experiences. and then realizing I was also attracted to women • I came out as a lesbian confuses me and my understanding of the binaries or • More open and expressive. fluidity of sexuality. • More understanding of alternatives • More understanding of gayness, and transgendered people • As I became more observant, it became important to wait for marriage to be sexually active • More open to the LGBT community • More accommodating of non-heterosexual • I feel more strongly that our community, especially relationships communal leaders, needs to make a concerted effort to accept members for the LGBT community. • More liberal. We have to find a way to accept LGBTQ in our community. • I feel that the harchakot laws are extremely outdated and could create harm to marriages as they first start • I now understand that homosexuality is not out. It took a couple years until my husband calmed biologically pre-ordained. down and we were able to find a balance that worked • More open towards women being equal partners and for us and didn't make me feel subordinate. demanding their needs sexually

– 12 – • More accepting of gays in a civil sense civil union, but marriage is a holy act between a man • More understanding of the reality and problems and a woman. faced by gay people. • more opened • I have become much more tolerant of individual • More pro LGBT, more accepting of adult sexual differences. Ultimately, it really is none of my relationships out of marriage business what other people choose to do as long as • actually knowing LGBTQ people no one is harmed. • Yes. More dating time , some sexual contact before • More knowledge of lgbt people. Plus chosson classes marriage. and becoming sexually active now that I am married • more open

• more open to LGBTQ • Seeing the struggles of family members who are • Much more lenient on pre-martial sex. homosexual opened my eyes to a new world, which • I find myself less interested in accommodating calls includes their views of religiousity. for active recognition and acceptance of LGBTQ • I have become more open and accepting. issues. If a person's sexual orientation and/or • less sheltered than the religious educational preference is not consistent with mainstream upbringing. Orthodox halacha and norms, then I believe in

respecting the individual as a person, but I don't feel • I've become more comfortable and more open the need for myself or my community to do anything • Getting married has changed my views on Taharat else. I am opposed to giving openly gay men public hamispacha, and the right way to have a sexual life kibbudim in shul. I also believe the same about other • My husband is not interested in sex, and I have violators of halacha, such as those who commit managed to bring my expectations into line with that adultery, abuse spouses or children, and other reality, after some internal struggling. aveirot. So at the same time, I am not pleased that • More open openly gay men are singled out. • more open more conservative • • I used to be shomer negiah in all of my relationships • I would tend to have little or no physical contact with (or at least, I would try hard to be). This is no longer a woman outside of marriage the case. In general, the area of sexuality feels less • More tolerant towards LGBT taboo, though some of the emotions and stigmas • Better understanding of LGBT while remaining ingrained in me by years of Orthodox education are opposed to extending them civil and social rights. hard to shake. • Tend to be more liberal about it, with a live-and-let- • It's a part of healthy human function. Jewish live attitude communal repression of feelings, attitudes, discussions, and even permitted behaviors have been • More liberal. Being sexually chaste prior to marriage damaging to me. My feelings of may not result in a positive sex life. Also, more embarrassment/shame associated with sexuality are accepting of the notion of gay marriage. very slowly subsiding. The tznius card is often • I'm more aware of sexuality among modern orthodox played as a method of social control disguised as teens religious piety. It has become an obsession, for both • Learning more about all the different types of men and women, in the frummer communities and sexuality has made me more aware of the variety and ends up paradoxically hypersexualizing women who the fact that sexuality is not black and white. don't even realize it. • Realize that Judaism supports natural sexual feelings • I believe that the current state of (non) sex-ed in the but has boundaries which greatly enhance the sexual Orthodox community is causing a lot of pain to a lot relationship of people. • More understanding of how American teenagers view • it's still not discussed as much as it should be gender fluidity. • More seriously open to gender and sexuality issues.

• More open minded • More open and expressive

• I agree with Torah. I have Gay and Lesbian friends. • more flexible due to info resources and discussion With That being said, I believe they are entitled to a with professionals.

– 13 – • More accepting of LGBTQ sexuality. And I have looked towards Judaism to help • I married for the first time 4 years ago at age 54. guide me in sexually grounded relationship. • More open to homosexuality • Greater openness, recognition of the desperate need for yoatzot • Feel more comfortable • I am more open and liberal toward LGBT community • I believe people shouldn't have sex before marriage, however trying to maintain a kosher halachic Jewish but I also feel like a lot of people are sexually perspective repressing themselves and sexuality in Judaism should be talked about more often. • I have a more halachic view of sexuality. • I became more aware of other people's experiences • More liberal that I previously did not understand, including • More accepting of LGB community. I feel it is how homosexuality and transgender they were created and they should be acepted and • I became more well-versed in the Jewish respected for who they are. perspective(s). • More understanding • I have been married for 5 years now. Sex simply • Learning about other sexualities and gender evolves emotionally from my younger years as more situations of a pleasurable act not just phisically (hormonal • Understanding gay young crazy) to a bonding experience with my • More open partner. It's less about doing the "Whoopi" and more • More aware. Not an issue now, but resentful of how about bonding. observance of T H in past years restricted my

• There should be better support and understanding for sexuality. different people and their choices. People are I am more sensitive to the gay community complicated and the community must do more to • recognize that • I have become more tolerant and less judgementl • I've begun to see the great wisdom in Chazal's • Much more aware of promiscuity and availability of attitude towards relations between men and women. 'sexual tests & invitations' A lot of this is due to personal hormonal changes with • I have become more open and accepting of other age! people • greater openness to homosexuality • Realized how important sex is in marriage. More • As I've grown older and settled down with a liberal about the whole topic wonderful husband, I have looked toward Judaism to • Acceptance of LGBT help explain differences in my own stages towards

– 14 –