the Duel Observer Volume XIX, Issue XI “Knowe Thyself, Not Be Thyself.” April 20, 2012

Your Thesis Is Done! Congratulations! Graduate soon, employment benefits are running out ew tudy od in tudent ired of veryone an arched eyebrow, eye contact, and follow-up questions N “S P ” S T E comparing him to those assholes who “dj” iPods at parties Library Is Actually Merely Assuming He’s a they didn’t throw, Kermson stammered out, “well, I wasn’t A Time Machine Jackass, Makes His Own they only one who did it!” History majors enjoy study tool, ilent isco laylist Indeed, further interviews revealed that there were English majors enjoy another way S D P “Man, fuck shirts. Hard work and community spir- pockets of Conts all over campus that made their own to dick around By Mr. Lanman ’15 it are what’s bogus.” playlist, each with diverse reasons. By Mr. Sinton ’13 “I just wanted a nice moment with my friends before Failing to resist Back to the Fu- Dept. of Homeland Douchebaggery ture references Dept. I graduate at the expense of hundreds of other people and (1804) Hamilton students were shocked (THE WEIRD BACK PART OF MINOR FIELD NO the intention of the organizers,” Sally May ’12 tried to this past week to discover that the myste- ONE GOES TO) From its humble origins as a birthday justify. rious wooden mass looming in the Burke party for some hairfaced, crunchy Darksider—whose name “I didn’t like that one song said ‘cunt’,” sensitive Eng- lobby is actually a time machine. Library and soul have been lost to time and investment banking, lish major Amelia Macroft ’14 said. “I mean, you can’t just staff is calling the magical device a “pro- respectively—Silent Disco has become a celebrated insti- say ‘cunt.’ ‘Cunt’ is a bad word; even women shouldn’t be totype” for the “Library of the Future,” but tution on campus, bringing together disparate groups in allowed to say ‘cunt.’ Just reading ‘cunt’ makes me sick, despite glaring evidence to the contrary, joyous celebration of those unique sparks that unite us as why would I want to hear the word ‘cunt’? Especially not still denies that it is anything more than Conts: love, drunken voyeurism, and headphones. ‘cunt’ used in the sexual sense of a woman receiving plea- a study space. But, in what doctors have diagnosed as an “acute ad- sure from the oral stimulation of her ‘cunt.’ Woman should “We hope students will enjoy testing verse reaction to the idea of sharing a rare moment of to- never get pleasure!” this new machi—erm, I mean study area— getherness with human beings other than pre-vetted ac- Queried about his reason, someone in red shorts sim- and all of its capabilities,” spokesman John quaintances,” Jorb Kermson ’12 decided to be a teeming ply uttered, “Bro.” Nitterman Jr. said. “It burlap sack of douche and make his own playlist. Yet, despite the actions of the few, the dance moves will be a continuum al- “Yeah, like, I did the whole ‘listening to the same of the many once again prevailed. Some freshman whose terin—ah I mean con- playlist as everyone else’ thing once, but that isn’t how mustache looked like pubes remarked, “Oh god that was tinuation—of all the I silently disco anymore,” the narcissistic scumbag re- so cool I saw a live band and drank jug wine and danced study opportunities the marked (Editor’s Note: listening to the same playlist as and there was rock and also house music and I think dub- library has to offer.” everyone else is literally the definition of a Silent Disco). step and the playlist was so cohesive and I met people and Some students “I mean, I host a WHCL show that once got almost I kissed a girl and then she took me behind that blue wall have already engaged in six listeners, ergo why would I trust anyone else’s mu- and I touched her special place, SECOND BASE HIGH involuntary time travel. sic taste ever?” FIVE!” Peter Fontaine ’14 acci- However, after wilting under the pressure of High five indeed, young one, high five indeed. dentally found himself in 1804, at the side of Commons Gives Up, Starts Just like toothpicks to get those bits of sewag—I mean, uh, a wounded, post-duel Alexander Hamilton. ‘spinach’, out of your teeth,” Portman added. erving ive hickens “It was a cheap shot. I always knew S L C The announcement email provoked some confusion “Cheep cheep cheep cheep cheep” not an accept- by referring to the animals as “fresh from the CoOp”; that Aaron Burr fought like a bitch,” the able way of ordering duel observer told The Duel Observer.* By Mr. Hostetter ’13 upon learning the truth, many students expressed dismay “I was smart about the time travel What’s wrong, Joanie? Chicken? Dept. that they would not be allowed to eat the hippies after all. thing, though,” Fontaine said. “I didn’t (WARM-BLOODED FOOD BAR) Bon Appétit an- Other students were confused about exactly what mess up the future by sneezing or any- nounced today that Commons would start distributing the live chickens were replacing. “Wait, they serve things thing—I just took a piss on Aaron Burr’s live chickens in place of hot meals. When at Commons other than stale bagels and face. I just had to—I’m sure Joanie’s been pressed for the reason for the change, Bon shitty coffee?” Jenn Greene ’15 asked. dreaming of doing that since ’03. Basical- Appétit spokesman Bill Portman said, Despite these initial misunderstand- ly what I’m saying is…you’re welcome.” “We kinda stopped giving a shit.” ings, student reaction was largely positive. Considering the Darkside’s recent “But think about it, it’s not as though “After four years at this school, I’m so transformation into a semi-sentient, ge- you’re at any more risk of getting salmo- sick of hearing people just talk about sus- latinous mass, however, it is safe to say nella this way than if you ate the other tainability and animal welfare without do- that Fontaine’s urine sparked significant chicken dishes we serve,” Portman con- ing anything about it,” Karen Whitrose ’12 Have you seen my mommy? change. tinued. said. “I’m really looking forward to taking *Traveled to the future to check, this “Plus, now you can kinda use the ends of the feathers a bite out of this problem myself. I mean, if there are joke is still funny ten years from now. See “What the cluck?” continued on back page. In this issue: geometric masturbation 1:30 3:45 4:21 English Bulldog Puppies No uelfucius orner t Blazed Baked ... D C s Longer Available oreca 4/20 F 50% chance High prob- Duelfucius say: “I know you think it’s really sad ability those are you forget the “Yeah, man.” some dank nugs brownies you’re that you’re graduating in 30 days, but if you think baking See “Hot Dogs in Commons Tomorrow,” pg.12 about it, everyone you know will someday die.” Speed Dating Recap The rousing success of Ham- ilton Speed Dating brought a variety of interesting and

. ’13 lovable individuals to Sa- r dove on Thursday night. The people who showed up to find M love included: By Mr. Grebey ’12 Grebey By Mr. 1) The Sorotrity Pledge Allowed to eat dinner under the condition that they attend Speed Dat- What the Cluck? ing. Consume all the free food anyways. No Hill Card Continued from “Commons gives up” is pretty good, too. They put these crunchy things needed! less chickens, that’s less animal cruelty we have to on the inside of the chicken—not sure what they worry about, right?” are, but I like them.” 2) The Trolling Student “I’m just glad Commons will have a way for Bryson’s chicken did not immediately re- “You are the most beautiful girl on this campus. I don’t me to get all the protein I need on one plate,” foot- spond to a request for comment. know why I’ve spent all my time trying to have random sex when you’ve always been there, with that massive ball player Nick Bryson ’14 said, blood dribbling mole on your face.” from the corner of his mouth. “And the texture 3) Student Who Hasn’t Left His Room All Semester He’s been told that his skin glistens. In reality, he is completely transparent from lack of sunlight. ROOMATES WANTED 4) Senior Bro “I got tired of walking all the way down to Bundy for freshmen girls.” Single girl seeking listen to Radiohead, my keep some pledge pris- Seeking roomate. Must significantly less cool favorite band, but you oner under my bed for be into circle jerking. 5) Anal Sex Kid roommate who would get judicial points if you an indefinite amount of Won’t stop talking about anal sex. Gets the highest num- make me appear cooler like to have fun, so… time, okay? Okay. Fourth person needed ber of dates. Go figure. by comparison. Must to fill the Root FacApp. 6) Hipsters rate as a 4.8 on the I ALREADY Male seeking other male Must be okay with us Ironically attend. Un-ironically fall in love and elope. 10-point attractiveness GOT A SUITE. I to live in Eells with me using your closet space scale and have an ugly DON’T NEED NO and my collection of live, to brew our very own By Mr. Schnacky ’14 laugh. ROOMATES. FUCK saltwater eels. Eels in “Root” Beer. Root, root. Y’ALL. Eells, get it? It’ll be fun. They’re homonyms. Male seeking other male to complete a Wally J DIK Bro seeking some- Freshman girl seeking Submitted by Ms. Van triple, if you know what one to fill a Ferg double. athletic male for gender- Dusen ’15, Ms. Lanzotti ’14, Mr. Anesta ’14 I mean. Must be cool with a neutral housing. Those messy room, partying prone to sleeping in the RA seeking someone to on weekends, and must buff encouraged to apply. pull into Milbank!! You keep his fucking mouth get cool points if you shut when I choose to “There’s a mustache under this mustache”

the Duel Observer William cameron sinton II Editor-in-Chief/ Deep Fried Bong Hits john kevin boudreau Editor-out-Chief/ Spliff Piccata y earest sych Sabrina esther yurkofsky M D P What I perceive as April 14th xperiments iary Managing Editor/ Ganja Gumbo E D ... James O’Mara Patteson Today Marge ended our conversation 15 seconds soon- Layout Editor/ Pot Stickers What follows are the final records in a journal found er than the usual 20 lovely, engaging minutes. Was I Katherine Helene still deep in the Glen. We decided to publish them unedited being primed for something? Did THEY want me Photo Journalist/ Lines of Coke at KFC in our eternal pursuit of “drinking time” over “think- slightly less hungry? Did THEY want me to feel an Bruce Springsteen emotional loss that ball-busting could only hope to rep- ing time.” The Boss licate? WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO NOTICE? Senior Staff Writers BRITTANY DAWN TOMKIN April 12th They want me to think it’s the 15th of April. JAKE CHRISTOPHER ZAPPALA JOHN PATRICK KENNEDY Hey Private-Diary-I-Hope-Is-Never-Printed-Publicly, James atticus grebey Nothing is certain anymore, my dear collection of andrew Lee Robinson today was weird. I helped my friend with one of his thought tran- psych experiments. It was about memorization… only Staff Writers scriptions. I Crawford mckinley charman then it turned out it was actually about one’s perception wander through Colin Nathan Hostetter of future lifetime accomplishments and how it relates Katherine Louise Joyce an endless web to mood. I was in the experimental group, which was J. Andrew Phillip Schnacky of illusions and John andrew carlysle johnson okay, except they prepared me for a bad mood by kick- hypothetical ex- Megan Riona Murphy ing me in the ’nads. My groin didn’t hurt as much as aminations of my Hannah Curtis Chappell my pride did, though. I won’t be fooled like that again! James Joseph Lavelle deepest machi- NATHANIEL BENEDICT LANMAN nations. My only April 13th Contributors hope for even James Joseph Anesta subjective happi- Wynn Rose Van Dusen Hey Diary, I went to the mattress testing today. I tried ness is to find some place I can be at ease. A place with Lauren Evelyn Lanzotti laying on Mattress A, and then I tried laying on Mat- people so simple, I need never fear again that the ma- Copy Editor tress B, and then I tried Mattress A again. I’m usually a Briana Nicole Wagner nipulations of higher minds. I know of only one such tender and delicate flower when it comes to bed quality, Lillian Frances McCullough place; wish me luck on my journey. but this time I couldn’t find any differences! I was con- Fine Print: The Duel Observer is a publication of the Hamilton College Media Board, and is pub- fused until I realized it must be another psych experi- lished every Friday. The facts and opinions expressed in this publication are not necessarily true That was the last recorded entry in the battered journal. All or indicative of staff opinions. Any resemblance to persons, organizations, or institutions real or ment! They didn’t fool me this time—I marched right imagined, is purely coincidental. Coincidences are coincidences. that was found nearby was a note of approval for a transfer out of there without telling them what I thought! And acceptance to Colgate. also because the only ways I could test a mattress for Comments? Email [email protected] Complaints? Or find us on the interweb! what matters aren’t really appropriate in public. Discovered by Mr. Johnson ’14 Recipes? http://students.hamilton.edu/duelobserver/