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The Vancouver Scum THE VANCOUVER SCUM TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2000 FINAL www.vancouverscum.com IGALI SAVES X-MAS SEMAPHORE SFU wrestler takes on the Grinch in Have Canadians no-holds-barred holiday cage-match had enough? SPORTS A6 NEWS A22 STOCKWELL DAY WINS ELECTION “Jesus fucking Christ, I hope we won’t have to change this headline!” — editor-in-chief Canadian election ushers in new era of crazy shit By GADS HORTHWAITE AFU It was a long and crazy election ————————————— day, fraught with unexpected VANCOUVER — Reliable elec- twists of fate. Indeed, for a while tion results were not available at it looked like both the Liberals press time, but our blatant pro- and Alliance were being deserted Alliance editorial slant, coupled in droves by the electorate. with a healthy dollop of wishful Early in the evening, it ap- thinking, leads The Vancouver peared that our nation was on Scum to proclaim the road to a solid Stockwell Day the Green-NDP- nation’s next Marxist/Leninist Prime Minister, minority govern- leading a robust ment. But then and incompetent ridings other than majority government. Vancouver East started to report After The Vancouver Scum in- their tallies, and the Green-NDP- formed him of his impending Marxist/Leninist dream was victory, Day surprised even his shattered. most foamingest-at-the-mouth “Once again, the Green-NDP- backers by giving his victory Marxist/Leninist ideal has been speech on a flame-belching trampled under the boot-heel of diesel jet ski, dressed in full Ku capitalist-controlled democ- Klux Klan regalia. racy,” said Gloria S. Revolution, “Now that I am your leader, I’d La Quena tea bag composting just like to let Canada know that coordinator. “We’ll be back.” all your worst nightmares about Meanwhile, citizens across the me are true,” he shouted, firing his nation began to question the use sidearm into the air for emphasis. of Bloc elections officers to count “I’m glad we didn’t have to form the ballots, as these officers re- a minority government, because jected 100 per cent of votes cast the Canadian Alliance has never in the majority of ridings outside been about ‘the minority thing’.” Quebec. Mass ballot spoilage He then unveiled his party’s was blamed for these results. new post-election slogan: “It’s At the end of his speech, Day time to be changed.” expressed complete confidence Day asserted that he would im- that the final vote tally would not mediately commence shoving the result in a tie between him and Alliance’s Pro-Life agenda down Liberal leader Jean Chretien, the nation’s throats, yet promised forcing The Vancouver Scum to to use a balanced approach. withdraw their declaration that “First, I’ll take away a Day won the election. woman’s right to abortion. Then “I’m the Prime Minister now, The Far-RIght Honourable Stockwell Day has become Canada’s first completely ignorant Prime Minister. His first act in office will be to I’ll give back a woman’s right to and nothing but God himself can the death penalty. See? Perfect take that away from me!” he ensure that science will no longer be taught in the nation’s science classrooms. He also intends to repeal gun-control laws and start a balance!” said. “Bwa ha ha ha!” national registry for non-Christians. “For public safety, it is important for our police to know where the non-Christians are,” Day said. INSIDE Asians invade Winnipeg WHAT SURREY KIDS GET FOR “I knew it! I knew it!” shouts former CHRISTMAS Burnaby kids’ bike parts. Alliance candidate Netty Stranger Ain’t living on Canada’s By NETTY STRANGER shut my mouth.” ————————————— Hell yes, she should shut her West Coast just a bowl of Those yellow bastards are mouth. Ms. Gai considers my peaches? D1 everywhere. “Asians,” as they like comments to be offensive, but to be called, have invaded Win- I’m merely telling the truth. nipeg, and are prepared to take If the leftist lynchmob media- over the rest of the country! And I types left people well enough knew all along it was happening. alone, Alliance party members You see these Asian folk on the like me wouldn’t have to quit streets, in the workplace, and in every time we uttered some the university lecture halls. “racist” or “sexist” or “homo- WEATHER Adultery A2 Gluttony R5 Christ, they’re even running the phobic” remark. Then somebody Births/Miscarrages E8 Horoscope n/a pizza joints these days. I knew would be in Parliament to stand PARTLY Bridge Mix D15 Human Oddities V8 there was trouble afoot as soon I up to this Asian invasion. PESTILENT found out there were people of Is this the Canada we want? My Details A13 Business A5 Impregnations A17 Asian descent in the NHL. ancestors didn’t kick dinosaur ass Classified A10 Letters A12 If you don’t believe me when I 5000 years ago, just so my kids Comics/Deaths E7 Queue C10.7 say the Asians have invaded, lis- would have to go to class with a 60 CENTS RETAIL ten to one of their own people. bunch of Chinese people. 75 CENTS COIN BOX Crossword D11, X75 R D7 “Frankly, I find Granger’s com- People had better wake up and Editorials A12 Sloth Q5 ments about the so-called ‘Asian take a look at what’s happening * Entertainment A7 Sports A8 invasion’ to be paranoid, igno- to this country. Otherwise, Ferry Schedule M2 Stinging Nettles F5 rant and offensive,” wrote Sum downtown Ottawa will be all rice Gay Schedule M3 Zzzzzzzzzzzz Z26 Yung Gai, leader of the Asian in- paddies too. vasion and author of the popular Somebody just told me that Me So Ho Ni / AP book The Asian Invasion: It’s For the Indians came from Asia too. Downtown Winnipeg after Asian occupation. Earlier that day, $1000 MINIMUM Real. “...but then again, we did in- Christ, what is this country OUTSIDE LOWER MAINLAND canabis.com Asians got “Ming Dynasty” on Winnipeggers’ asses. vade, so I maybe I should just coming to? THE VANCOUVER SCUM TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2000 FINAL www.vancouverscum.com IGALI SAVES X-MAS SEMAPHORE SFU wrestler takes on the Grinch in Have Canadians no-holds-barred holiday cage-match had enough? SPORTS A6 NEWS A22 ELECTION TOO CLOSE TO CALL “Jesus fucking Christ! We have to change our headline!” — editor-in-chief Canadian election succumbs to U.S.-style succumbing By GADS HORTHWAITE AFU “In a very real way, Florida is ————————————— going to decide this Canadian VANCOUVER — In an un- federal election,” said Day precedented event that has campaign advisor Peter Reams- never happened before, it ap- bottom. pears The Vancouver Scum has re- As mail to and from North Baf- ported incorrect information. In fin Island is traditionally deliv- fact, we were premature in de- ered overland by seal sled, the claring Stockwell absentee ballots Day the nation’s are not scheduled new Prime Minis- to arrive until ter earlier this mid-March. In the morning. meantime, Chre- In a bizarre turn tien and Day have of events, it appears the Liberal continued their campaigns in and Canadian Alliance parties North Baffin Island’s courts. are locked in a dead heat, each Suspecting unspecified “irreg- claiming 150 of the Canada’s 301 ularities” in the North Baffin federal ridings. One riding re- election, both Chretien and Day mains in contention — the cru- are demanding recounts of North cial “swing riding” of North Baf- Baffin Island’s 22 ballots. The fin Island, N.W.T. first tally, counted by machine, The votes in North Baffin Is- revealed 11 votes each for the land are tied, with the Liberals Liberals and Alliance — a statis- and Alliance each claiming 11 of tical tie. the riding’s 22 ballots cast. A subsequent hand-count con- When The Vancouver Scum de- firmed these results, but Day clared Day the nation’s new raised concerns that error may prime minister, Chretien called have been introduced by the Day and conceded the election. hand-counting process. At press However, when the tie in North time, Day was lobbying for a Baffin became apparent Chretien more accurate foot-count of the called Day again to take back his ballots, while Chretien lobbied concession. for a chinchilla-count. “I am verrah sorry, but dese re- In many ways, the “Battle for sults dey come to me, and I have Baffin” was not a surprise for the da come back to you an’ say I Liberal and Alliance camps. “We take it back,” Chretien reportedly always knew the party that took said. North Baffin would take the elec- To break the tie, North Baffin is tion,” says Chretien campaign waiting on the arrival of three ab- supervisor Fart Cachet. sentee ballots from a trio of eld- American officials offered to Jean Chretien (right) and Stockwell Day (left) speak out against incorrect photo captions at their final campaign rallies in Vancouver erly North Baffin Islanders cur- count the Florida ballots for rently vacationing in West Palm Canadian authorities, but (right) and Halifax (left) yesterday afternoon. “When I tink, it seem to me dat da only ting worse dan da incorrect photo caption in da Beach, Florida. Canada graciously declined. newspapers is when dey, uh, incorrectly attribute uh, da quotes which we come to you and speak,” said Day later in the evening. INSIDE Asians invade Winnipeg WHAT SURREY KIDS GET FOR “I knew it! I knew it!” shouts former CHRISTMAS Burnaby kids’ bike parts. Alliance candidate Netty Stranger Ain’t living on Canada’s By NETTY STRANGER shut my mouth.” ————————————— Hell yes, she should shut her West Coast just a bowl of Those yellow bastards are mouth.
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