THE VANCOUVER SCUM TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2000 FINAL www.vancouverscum.com IGALI SAVES X-MAS SEMAPHORE SFU wrestler takes on the Grinch in Have Canadians no-holds-barred holiday cage-match had enough? SPORTS A6 NEWS A22 STOCKWELL DAY WINS ELECTION “Jesus fucking Christ, I hope we won’t have to change this headline!” — editor-in-chief

Canadian election ushers in new era of crazy shit

By GADS HORTHWAITE AFU It was a long and crazy election ————————————— day, fraught with unexpected VANCOUVER — Reliable elec- twists of fate. Indeed, for a while tion results were not available at it looked like both the Liberals press time, but our blatant pro- and Alliance were being deserted Alliance editorial slant, coupled in droves by the electorate. with a healthy dollop of wishful Early in the evening, it ap- thinking, leads The Vancouver peared that our nation was on Scum to proclaim the road to a solid Stockwell Day the Green-NDP- nation’s next Marxist/Leninist Prime Minister, minority govern- leading a robust ment. But then and incompetent ridings other than majority government. Vancouver East started to report After The Vancouver Scum in- their tallies, and the Green-NDP- formed him of his impending Marxist/Leninist dream was victory, Day surprised even his shattered. most foamingest-at-the-mouth “Once again, the Green-NDP- backers by giving his victory Marxist/Leninist ideal has been speech on a flame-belching trampled under the boot-heel of diesel jet ski, dressed in full Ku capitalist-controlled democ- Klux Klan regalia. racy,” said Gloria S. Revolution, “Now that I am your leader, I’d La Quena tea bag composting just like to let Canada know that coordinator. “We’ll be back.” all your worst nightmares about Meanwhile, citizens across the me are true,” he shouted, firing his nation began to question the use sidearm into the air for emphasis. of Bloc elections officers to count “I’m glad we didn’t have to form the ballots, as these officers re- a minority government, because jected 100 per cent of votes cast the Canadian Alliance has never in the majority of ridings outside been about ‘the minority thing’.” Quebec. Mass ballot spoilage He then unveiled his party’s was blamed for these results. new post-election slogan: “It’s At the end of his speech, Day time to be changed.” expressed complete confidence Day asserted that he would im- that the final vote tally would not mediately commence shoving the result in a tie between him and Alliance’s Pro-Life agenda down Liberal leader Jean Chretien, the nation’s throats, yet promised forcing The Vancouver Scum to to use a balanced approach. withdraw their declaration that “First, I’ll take away a Day won the election. woman’s right to abortion. Then “I’m the Prime Minister now, The Far-RIght Honourable Stockwell Day has become Canada’s first completely ignorant Prime Minister. His first act in office will be to I’ll give back a woman’s right to and nothing but God himself can the death penalty. See? Perfect take that away from me!” he ensure that science will no longer be taught in the nation’s science classrooms. He also intends to repeal gun-control laws and start a balance!” said. “Bwa ha ha ha!” national registry for non-Christians. “For public safety, it is important for our police to know where the non-Christians are,” Day said.

INSIDE Asians invade Winnipeg WHAT SURREY KIDS GET FOR “I knew it! I knew it!” shouts former CHRISTMAS Burnaby kids’ bike parts. Alliance candidate Netty Stranger Ain’t living on Canada’s By NETTY STRANGER shut my mouth.” ————————————— Hell yes, she should shut her West Coast just a bowl of Those yellow bastards are mouth. Ms. Gai considers my peaches? D1 everywhere. “Asians,” as they like comments to be offensive, but to be called, have invaded Win- I’m merely telling the truth. nipeg, and are prepared to take If the leftist lynchmob media- over the rest of the country! And I types left people well enough knew all along it was happening. alone, Alliance party members You see these Asian folk on the like me wouldn’t have to quit streets, in the workplace, and in every time we uttered some the university lecture halls. “racist” or “sexist” or “homo- WEATHER Adultery A2 Gluttony R5 Christ, they’re even running the phobic” remark. Then somebody Births/Miscarrages E8 Horoscope n/a pizza joints these days. I knew would be in Parliament to stand PARTLY Bridge Mix D15 Human Oddities V8 there was trouble afoot as soon I up to this Asian invasion. PESTILENT found out there were people of Is this the Canada we want? My Details A13 Business A5 Impregnations A17 Asian descent in the NHL. ancestors didn’t kick dinosaur ass Classified A10 Letters A12 If you don’t believe me when I 5000 years ago, just so my kids Comics/Deaths E7 Queue C10.7 say the Asians have invaded, lis- would have to go to class with a 60 CENTS RETAIL ten to one of their own people. bunch of Chinese people. 75 CENTS COIN BOX Crossword D11, X75 R D7 “Frankly, I find Granger’s com- People had better wake up and Editorials A12 Sloth Q5 ments about the so-called ‘Asian take a look at what’s happening * Entertainment A7 Sports A8 invasion’ to be paranoid, igno- to this country. Otherwise, Ferry Schedule M2 Stinging Nettles F5 rant and offensive,” wrote Sum downtown Ottawa will be all rice Gay Schedule M3 Zzzzzzzzzzzz Z26 Yung Gai, leader of the Asian in- paddies too. vasion and author of the popular Somebody just told me that Me So Ho Ni / AP book The Asian Invasion: It’s For the Indians came from Asia too. Downtown Winnipeg after Asian occupation. Earlier that day, $1000 MINIMUM Real. “...but then again, we did in- Christ, what is this country OUTSIDE LOWER MAINLAND canabis.com Asians got “Ming Dynasty” on Winnipeggers’ asses. vade, so I maybe I should just coming to? THE VANCOUVER SCUM TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2000 FINAL www.vancouverscum.com IGALI SAVES X-MAS SEMAPHORE SFU wrestler takes on the Grinch in Have Canadians no-holds-barred holiday cage-match had enough? SPORTS A6 NEWS A22 ELECTION TOO CLOSE TO CALL “Jesus fucking Christ! We have to change our headline!” — editor-in-chief

Canadian election succumbs to U.S.-style succumbing

By GADS HORTHWAITE AFU “In a very real way, Florida is ————————————— going to decide this Canadian VANCOUVER — In an un- federal election,” said Day precedented event that has campaign advisor Peter Reams- never happened before, it ap- bottom. pears The Vancouver Scum has re- As mail to and from North Baf- ported incorrect information. In fin Island is traditionally deliv- fact, we were premature in de- ered overland by seal sled, the claring Stockwell absentee ballots Day the nation’s are not scheduled new Prime Minis- to arrive until ter earlier this mid-March. In the morning. meantime, Chre- In a bizarre turn tien and Day have of events, it appears the Liberal continued their campaigns in and Canadian Alliance parties North Baffin Island’s courts. are locked in a dead heat, each Suspecting unspecified “irreg- claiming 150 of the Canada’s 301 ularities” in the North Baffin federal ridings. One riding re- election, both Chretien and Day mains in contention — the cru- are demanding recounts of North cial “swing riding” of North Baf- Baffin Island’s 22 ballots. The fin Island, N.W.T. first tally, counted by machine, The votes in North Baffin Is- revealed 11 votes each for the land are tied, with the Liberals Liberals and Alliance — a statis- and Alliance each claiming 11 of tical tie. the riding’s 22 ballots cast. A subsequent hand-count con- When The Vancouver Scum de- firmed these results, but Day clared Day the nation’s new raised concerns that error may prime minister, Chretien called have been introduced by the Day and conceded the election. hand-counting process. At press However, when the tie in North time, Day was lobbying for a Baffin became apparent Chretien more accurate foot-count of the called Day again to take back his ballots, while Chretien lobbied concession. for a chinchilla-count. “I am verrah sorry, but dese re- In many ways, the “Battle for sults dey come to me, and I have Baffin” was not a surprise for the da come back to you an’ say I Liberal and Alliance camps. “We take it back,” Chretien reportedly always knew the party that took said. North Baffin would take the elec- To break the tie, North Baffin is tion,” says Chretien campaign waiting on the arrival of three ab- supervisor Fart Cachet. sentee ballots from a trio of eld- American officials offered to Jean Chretien (right) and Stockwell Day (left) speak out against incorrect photo captions at their final campaign rallies in Vancouver erly North Baffin Islanders cur- count the Florida ballots for rently vacationing in West Palm Canadian authorities, but (right) and Halifax (left) yesterday afternoon. “When I tink, it seem to me dat da only ting worse dan da incorrect photo caption in da Beach, Florida. Canada graciously declined. newspapers is when dey, uh, incorrectly attribute uh, da quotes which we come to you and speak,” said Day later in the evening.

INSIDE Asians invade Winnipeg WHAT SURREY KIDS GET FOR “I knew it! I knew it!” shouts former CHRISTMAS Burnaby kids’ bike parts. Alliance candidate Netty Stranger Ain’t living on Canada’s By NETTY STRANGER shut my mouth.” ————————————— Hell yes, she should shut her West Coast just a bowl of Those yellow bastards are mouth. Ms. Gai considers my peaches? D1 everywhere. “Asians,” as they like comments to be offensive, but to be called, have invaded Win- I’m merely telling the truth. nipeg, and are prepared to take If the leftist lynchmob media- over the rest of the country! And I types left people well enough knew all along it was happening. alone, Alliance party members You see these Asian folk on the like me wouldn’t have to quit streets, in the workplace, and in every time we uttered some the university lecture halls. “racist” or “sexist” or “homo- WEATHER Adultery A2 Gluttony R5 Christ, they’re even running the phobic” remark. Then somebody Births/Miscarrages E8 Horoscope n/a pizza joints these days. I knew would be in Parliament to stand PARTLY Bridge Mix D15 Human Oddities V8 there was trouble afoot as soon I up to this Asian invasion. PESTILENT found out there were people of Is this the Canada we want? My Details A13 Business A5 Impregnations A17 Asian descent in the NHL. ancestors didn’t kick dinosaur ass Classified A10 Letters A12 If you don’t believe me when I 5000 years ago, just so my kids Comics/Deaths E7 Queue C10.7 say the Asians have invaded, lis- would have to go to class with a 60 CENTS RETAIL ten to one of their own people. bunch of Chinese people. 75 CENTS COIN BOX Crossword D11, X75 R D7 “Frankly, I find Granger’s com- People had better wake up and Editorials A12 Sloth Q5 ments about the so-called ‘Asian take a look at what’s happening * Entertainment A7 Sports A8 invasion’ to be paranoid, igno- to this country. Otherwise, Ferry Schedule M2 Stinging Nettles F5 rant and offensive,” wrote Sum downtown Ottawa will be all rice Gay Schedule M3 Zzzzzzzzzzzz Z26 Yung Gai, leader of the Asian in- paddies too. vasion and author of the popular Somebody just told me that Me So Ho Ni / AP book The Asian Invasion: It’s For the Indians came from Asia too. Downtown Winnipeg after Asian occupation. Earlier that day, $1000 MINIMUM Real. “...but then again, we did in- Christ, what is this country OUTSIDE LOWER MAINLAND canabis.com Asians got “Ming Dynasty” on Winnipeggers’ asses. vade, so I maybe I should just coming to? 3 THE VANCOUVER SCUM, TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2000 NEWS SFU celebrities sure know how to keep it real

Malcolm Parrysite

They keep getting sexier, and that’s why we love them. Campus hotshots Having been privy to their presence all along, the fame- show skin while savvy Parrysite spoke to the others just look mini-Einsteins, who had this to say: “We can’t help being so gor- plain cool. geous and unbelievably smart. Is it cold out here?” • LEONARDO DiCAPRIO, the IKE TURNER, the estranged ex- husband of the leggy Tina (a long- Hollywood megastar, was spot- Some unbelievably hot SFU students are just too damn sexy for their own good. ted last week at a free noon show time friend) is now a sessional at at the SFU theatre. Several male SFU in the history department. business students noticed the Specializing in the feminist movement up until the mid-20th century, Turner is also a regular at all Club nights every Thursday at the SFU Club, seen showing the Vexy Sin, SFU’s resident supermodel, looks like God. residence regulars how to dance. Inkun Forrester, the Club’s man with the power and the lady on his arm, had this to say: “Turner’s

DiCAPRIO Employees at SFUki’s Salon show just how hard it is to be sexy. movie-man, started quivering like eight-year-old girls and ran SFSS-run Highland Pub. Using quainted herself with her alma screaming after the star, grabbing her money and sexual prowess mater. The always beautiful and and clawing at Leo’s hands as he to lure men into her harem, nasty Sin showed me her kinky ran. TURNER Kimme Spa seems to have com- side by taking a pay phone off Left bleeding from their nails, a SFU restroom mogul Kimme Spa shows how rich (and sexy) she is. plete control over SFU’s 30 per benevolent soul (me) lent the been coming here like 90 ever purple library guy. filthy rich daughter Porkina. “I cent male population, allowing man some gloves to hide his since I started letting the good- Serving shrimp ice cream and hope to suck as much dough out her to put most mens’ restrooms hideous disfigurement. Di- looking people get in ahead. It caviar-flavoured coffee, the fact of her as I can, cuz I make sweet out of order and charging cover Caprio, the star of many stupid only makes business sense, you that I had to pay 200 dollars just fuck all dancing,” said Banza. “I for the final three remaining movies, will be up on campus in know, the cute ones are the ones to attend made it inaccesible like her big ass, too.” Parry open on campus. “I fucking love March to film his next block- who draw the crowds.” enough that I felt I was in the smiled and nodded. Banza was this girl. Her accent, mhmm..., buster, Shit Floats in Hollywood. Having released a beat-box CD right crowd. recently spot- ”says Xaing Fao, one of her • last year with Vancouver’s Net- With the always glamourous ted licking all all-too-willing concubines. MATT SLEDGE twerk records, and incredibly funny Macy Gray over a drag • and JOE HAM- Turner’s first as the live entertainment, the queen at The The divine Ryan Stewart, MER, SFU’s sexi- album in 17 years crowd had a chance to get funky. Odyssey not who is so sexy I bust out my est and most single is called simply Yo By midnight the shirts, bras and two weeks fly every time he comes engineers took Ninja. ties had come off, and people ago, methinks. within 50 feet, is SFU’s only some time off their • were swinging off each others’ Could their active, third-generation stu- Nobel Prize-win- Last week corsets. “I can’t believe how youthful love dent. Lately he has gone for ning semiconduc- SFUki’s — Simon beautiful we all are!” remarked be on the a bold new look and grown tor research last Fraser University’s one model at the soiree. rocks? a mustache. “I’ve been try- STEWART week to look beau- chic hair salon — • • ing for years to get a serious tiful all over cam- had a party for SFU gymnast and ballet dancer Back to the look that will give me the the hook and asking me what I SFU alumni and pus. Seen near the SLEDGE & HAMMER Rosh Banza was left hanging last school on a ROSH BANZA respect I deserve,” he re- wanted her to do with it. library, celebrity big-namers. Those Wednesday night after being hill, SFU cently confided in me. • whores of all ages were seen try- in attendance (be- awarded the prestigious Black seems to be struggling under • DOWN PARRYSITESCOPE: ing to get close enough to the ge- sides myself) were Glen Clark, Swan award for dancing merit. the tyranny of a wealthy power- On a break from her worldwide Overheard recently inside The nius studs to touch them. Gillian Guess, Rachel Marsden, Banza, now 24, is engaged to monger who’s gained enormous catwalking tour, supermodel Bay: “I’m so glad I’m hot. At Martin Laba, Paul Budra and the Jim Pattison’s big and fat yet wealth from working for the Vexy Sin, SFU alumnus, reac- least I ain’t ordinary.”

cyan magenta yellow chicago NEWS THE VANCOUVER SCUM, TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2000 4 SFU Harbour Centre to be Schwarzenegger receives customized for student use

By PETER O’NEIL and O. NEIL RETEP honourary SFU degree ———————————— BURNABY — In a surprising announcement made Monday, Hollywood superstar SFU president Jack Blaney de- is honoured by top clared that Harbour Centre is scheduled to receive a radical B.C. institution facelift in order to make the downtown SFU campus more By JANNIE SASSY and “student-friendly.” T.K. SKELTER The decision was made after ———————————— some deep soul searching, says VANCOUVER — Arnold Blaney. Schwarzenegger was recently “As it is now, Harbour Centre presented with an honorary Doc- is just too corporate and sterile torate of Science by SFU presi- — we want to create an inclusive dent Jack Blaney. atmosphere that reflects stu- The ceremony took place last dents, rather than business.” Wednesday in Schwarzenegger’s “This is a university after all,” suite at the Hyatt Regency Hotel, says Blaney. “It should really rather than the usual university look and feel like one.” setting, in order to fit in with the Beginning next month, the actor’s rigorous weight-lifting main floor of the downtown schedule. campus will be transformed into Schwarzenegger’s nomination a beer garden decorated with for the degree was based on what snowboarding posters and the university senate considered Monet prints purchased from the his outstanding artistic achieve- Imaginus poster sale. ments and contributions to the As well, a continuous loop of SFU community. Gowan’s classic 1987 album, Blaney said, “We felt that such Strange Animal, featuring time- high-calibre performances deliv- less hits such as “(You’re A) ered by Schwarzenegger in past Strange Animal” and “A Crimi- movies such as The Last Action nal Mind” will be piped into all Hero, Twins, and [my] favorite, classrooms and common areas. Conan the Barbarian, merited The Royal Bank Computing some sort of recognition… espe- Centre is tentatively set to be re- cially in light of his recent work named the People Before Profits on The 6th Day, which was filmed Computing Centre. The Labatt here at SFU.” Lecture Theatre will remain the Senate originally planned to Labatt Lecture Theatre because, give Schwarzenegger a Doctorate “Hey, it’s funny to have a class- of Arts, but changed the degree room named after beer,” said to a Doctorate of Science at the Blaney. request of the actor’s publicity Students will also be encour- manager who felt it would better aged to consume food inside the coincide with the release of The classrooms. Sixth Day — a science fiction film. There is at least one group of The Senate panel considered people who are not pleased about several other candidates, such as the impending transformation. Nobel Prize laureate Dr. Michael Harbour Centre security feel the Smith, but decided Schwarzeneg- new emphasis on student needs ger’s film and weight lifting ac- will diminish their role. complishments were incompa- “We like sitting in this booth rable. In addition to his win- monitoring the security cameras. ning seven Mr. Olympia titles, We have to stop students from Schwarzenegger’s extensive taking food from the tables that cinematic experience impressed Twain Aquire/Vancouver Scum are always set up here — I mean, the panel. Last Halloween, Arnie masqueraded as SFU governor and local Liberal MP candidate Francesca Zumpano. “She’s scary,” he said. don’t these people have food at “What most people don’t real- home?” said one security officer. ize is that Arnold directed an thing about this guy, they just did garten Cop,” she added. claiming that “Everybody does Day at SFU, tentatively titled The “I guess we’ll have to find episode of Tales from the Crypt... this so more crappy actors would Further criticism has been the nude thing… what’s wrong 9th Day. something else to do now.” he is more than just an actor, he be attracted to film their movies raised regarding the appropriate- with a little skin?” Students interested to learn Student response, however, has real genius,” said one senator. here.” ness of awarding the degree to a When reached for comment, more about this actor’s accom- appears positive. As one student Some critics question the mo- “I asked them how many of former nude model. Schwarzenegger asserted, “I’ll plishments are invited to watch replied when asked to comment tives behind the senate’s decision. them had actually seen a In 1977, Schwarzenegger be back.” the newly-released The 6th Day, on the proposed changes, “Why Denny Vernon, an arts gradu- Schwarzenegger film and only posed naked for Cosmopolitan This statement may indicate which is currently being shown are there so many communica- ate student, said “The senate about half of them had, and of magazine. that Schwarzenegger is consider- at Silver City Coquitlam. tions classes offered down here committee doesn’t know any- those it was mostly just Kinder- Yet Blaney defended the choice, ing filming a sequel to The 6th No discounts will be given. anyway?” Activists advocate “Wear Nothing Day” By SID VINTON dity may have caused her vious disrespect for the law and ———————————— brother’s homosexuality. Felix law abiding citizens? VANCOUVER — Did you Lovely, a man at a local bus Smiters claims Wear Nothing think your love of shoes was a stop, agrees; “What the fuck? Day should be considered an act harmless desire? Are you joking?” of “civil” disobedience. She also Did you realize that your last Will the idea take off? claims the event is not an orgy, clothing purchase made you a “No way,” says local high and it will not promote promis- slave... to corporatism? school student Melanie Billux. cuity among youth. According to the local, far-left, “My ass looks so big without But the public doesn’t buy it. activist organization Adbusters, pants, you know? I don’t want “It sounds dirty to me,” said an it did. And because of this, they anyone to see my butt.” old man at a bus stop, who be- have invited Vancouverites to We tend to agree; some things lieves the event is yet another participate in Wear Nothing Day. are better left under wraps. “hippie thing to get sex.” On December 12, the self-de- Unfortunately for Adbusters — Other people at the bus stop clared “anti-establishment” or- but fortunately for the rest of us nodded in agreement, and/or ganization invites you to strip off — public nudity is illegal in this made little “hrmping” noises in those “articles of status and con- part of the world. So why this ob- agreement. sumerism” and find yourself in the nude. What’s the idea? Just as it sounds, the idea is to wear nothing: go out in the buff in an attempt to make a political statement. According to Kim Smiters, a 17-year-old member of the local chapter of the radical organiza- tion, “Clothing was once worn for warmth and comfort, or even to enhance beauty. Now, cloth- ing is linked to income and class, and has become an op- pressive status symbol for young men and women.” So what’s the solution? Public education? Lobbying govern- ment or business? All these methods are ineffective, insists Smiters. The only solution is to go all the way — get buck naked and “fight the man.” Will the idea go far? According to Tan Mathers, a sales represen- tative at The Gap, the idea is “ridiculous.” The young widow is support- ing two young children with her job in the clothing industry; “Are these people communists or something? I wouldn’t want my children to see naked people,” she explains. Filipe Lupez/Vancouver Scum She also indicated that nu- A “Wear Nothing Day” enthusiast takes a dip in a local pond. 5 THE VANCOUVER SCUM, TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2000 NEWS Poll reveals Canada okay with polls A recent Angus Reid poll reveals that 96 per cent of Canadians respond to polls — Saskatchewan almost desperate to respond By STOOWART SNIDDEN ———————————— Despite the pessimism of some Yes: 96% skeptics, a recent poll has indi- cated that support remains strong in Canada when it comes to responding to polls. A recent Angus Reid survey asked Canadians the tough question, “Do you respond to polls?” Although down two per cent from last year, “YES” came in on top with an enthusiastic 96 per cent of those surveyed answer- ing in the affirmative. The slight decrease in support is thought to Nader: 2% be due to a combination of fac- Undecided: 1% No: 1% tors ranging from rising gas prices to the release of Ricky This pie-like representation shows that the overwhelming majority Martin’s new CD. One per cent of respondents re- of Canadians respond to polls. Results are considered accurate sponded “NO” to the question, four times out of 20, nine times out of 10. Source: Angus Reid while another one percent re- sponded “UNDECIDED.” When asked by The Vancouver Malawai, and Yemen have all re- The greatest shock came from Scum why this may be and what cently asked their citizens this the response “Ralph Nader” — may be done to change things, a perplexing question. yes, two per cent of respondents Newfoundland MP responded,“I The country with the largest answered “Nader” when asked, have absolutely no idea and to be number of people who did not “Do you respond to polls?” quite frank, I really don’t care.” like to respond to polls was The presence of the Nader con- Interesting. Poland — apparently, the Poles tingent is apparently causing The poll was conducted over really don’t like polls, thus con- quite a ruckus, as suspicions the past 12 months by Angus tributing to the “NO” contingent. have been raised that not all Reid. It surveyed 1020.3 adults, A Vietnam survey agency also Nader responses have been 503.1 children, seven dogs, and asked the question to a number counted. one antelope. of hill tribes. They also did not When looking at the results on The results show a consider- like answering polls. SLIM SHADY/VANCOUVER SCUM a province-to-province basis, the able degree of accuracy, being It was reported they felt that re- poll shows that the highest per- correct approximately four times sponding to polls could possibly centage of Canadians responding out of 20, nine times out of 10. cause you to lose your soul. Catherine “disappointed” by dad’s defeat to polls are found in It also appears the question Is it clear to you that the last Catherine Clark made a public appearance in Ottawa today. During an impromptu press confer- Saskatchewan. “Do you respond to polls?” is be- three paragraphs of this article ence, reporters grilled the blond beauty on the status of her newest navy blue suit — after Newfoundland, on the other ginning to catch on in polling have been nothing but pure some prodding, it was revealed that the suit was indeed purchased at Holt Renfrew. The press hand, leaned strongly towards agencies around the world. Rep- filler? conference ended with a brief discussion of the recent federal election; Clark claimed she was “UNDECIDED.” resentatives from Uzbekestan, Please respond: “YES” or “NO.” “disappointed” by her dad’s defeat. Alliance celebration loses official party status

Joanne (not her real name). Political defeat, global warming, beer and Soon McDonnell’s shirt was completely removed, and he sweaty stomachs collide in a post-election bash started to rave for the upteenth attendees wish they could forget time about how global warming is a myth. By GADS HORTHWAITE AFU ———————————— liance campaign worker, also “Scientists aren’t allowed to tell speaking under strict condition the truth about global warming! BURNABY — Burnaby-Dou- of anonymity. “I attended this We have to defend academic glas Alliance candidate Alan Mc- party for the same reasons I sup- freedom!” He shouted, absent- Donnell’s post-election keg party ported the Alliance in the first mindedly cleaning his right was so bad it lost official party place — out of a misguided and armpit with a slice of orange status, according to a report from destructive idea of what is right.” from the punch bowl. the federal Minister of Drunken McDonnell’s shindig was ap- In response to this incident sev- Carousing and National Defense. parently quiet and inhibited at eral people broke into tears and To qualify for official party sta- first, as McDonnell was obvi- fled the party, causing the num- tus, a federal celebratory gather- ously trying to cover up his dis- ber of guests to drop below the ing must attract and retain at appointment at losing so badly 12 required for official federal least 12 guests. with a flamboyant display of su- party status. According to the report, Mc- perficial happiness. As a result, the federal govern- Donnell’s office party, which was “It was so obvious he felt his ment withdrew support for the intended to celebrate his embar- electorate had rejected him,” event. Water, electricity and heat rassing defeat in the federal rid- said another observer. “But then in the building were promptly ing of Burnaby-Douglas, initially again, his electorate had rejected shut off. Things really went attracted as many as 13 guests, him, in fact almost spitefully so, downhill after that, and guests but this number dwindled so I guess his misery was some- exited in droves. shortly after the event began. what justified.” Soon, McDonnell was left alone Sources close to the keg re- But the ice was not yet broken. and muttering in the twilight, vealed that they didn’t really What started as an uncomfort- compulsively exposing his ab- want to be there, but they felt able and contrived social gather- domen to a mirror like a de- they had no choice but to attend. ing degenerated into a per- ranged cockatiel. “I worked on his campaign, versely compelling spectacle Reached for an exclusive Scum after all,” said one female guest when the keg was cracked and interview the next morning, Mc- who didn’t want to be named. “It McDonnell launched into his in- Donnell removed the punch would hurt his feelings if I didn’t famous torso-bearing routine bowl from his head and said that show up.” (pictured at left). it was a great party, and as far as Hal Nixon/Vancouver Scum “I can hold out for just a few “When I saw that, I thought, oh he could tell everyone enjoyed Say what you will about local Alliance candidate Alan McDonnell, but he sure knows how to party. more hours,” said another Al- god, I must be in hell,” said themselves. SFU parking “probs” will be solved at SFU By IVANKA VENDELA ———————————— A solution to the problem of insufficient parking at SFU has recently been proposed by the Development Initiative Parking Strategists (DIPS), a group set up by the Burnaby Mountain Com- munity Corporation (BMCC). Last Wednesday DIPS pre- sented a plan to dig a tunnel through the centre of Burnaby Mountain and construct a com- muter chute, similar to the great glass elevator in Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. DIPS leader, Aida Rock, said the project would not only allevi- ate the parking situation, but also cut down on hazardous ve- hicle emissions; “The project would not only alleviate the parking situation, but also cut down on hazardous vehicle emissions.” Fewer cars traveling up the hill would also reduce the num- ber of goats killed annually in car-goat collisions. If approved by the University, plans for the tunnel could start as soon as next year. Until then, See TUNNEL CHUTE A16 THE VANCOUVER SCUM BUSINESS EDITOR HARVEY STENCHIN 605-0666 / E-mail [email protected] TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2000 WOULD YOU SELL YOUR MOTHER? PROFIT OVER PEOPLE A recent poll of business professionals has Debate heats up over the privatization of shown that they would go for it. D12 everything — even fat men in Speedos. D13 The role of the Asian tongue in politics takes on a new meaning The Vancouver Scum’s international correspondent dives into the innuendoes and issues of Asian politics and resurfaces with no clothes on

Backroom bondage in Asian Jonathan Mapplethorpe This confrontation has been fan- ber-type operations. and circumvent the authority of Jakarta, again Thursday, calling governments has not so far tasized largely by Koichi Kato, a There have been mass political parliament by cancelling a nu- for the resignation or impeach- brought political stability to the former general secretary of the lacerations in the capital, Manila, clear-strength rectal generation ment of President Abdurrahman region. SLP and perennial would-be against Estrada by people dis- project, already two-thirds com- Wahid, who was thrust into of- Today, three freely elected Asian prime minister, who is riding on traught with the country’s eco- plete. fice October of last year. leaders face impeachment. Two top of public pressure for faster, nomic impotence and dissatisfied But this, too, is a sexuo-political To blame for the protests was more are being whipped and faster, faster and harder economic by the return of tight-assed cor- move. The Kuomintang bent the the failure by the police to get spanked, and may be pushed reform. ruption which had been substan- president to their every whim and their large, calloused, muscular over the edge within weeks. Whether this will be the long- tially spanked under previous desire for more than 50 years, hands on Huotomo (Tommy) It seems that Asia’s remaining anticipated climax when Kato president, Infidel Ramos. until Chen’s victory in March Mandala Putra, son of former dominatrixes, leather-lovers and emerges from the bedrooms of the Estrada, however, undoubt- elections. They still control the dictator president Suharto, who masters of the one-partner state power-holders remains to be seen. edly retains much grassroots ob- parliament however, and consider is on the run after being sen- can sleep soundly at night. The current speculation is that session among people who re- Chen to be ripe for outing. tenced to 18 months of prison- In many ways, however, the the prime ministership may fall member his adult film career as a There is certainly a good deal cell cock-and-potty punishment. political desexualization spread- on top of stalwart Foreign Minis- star with a drive like a horse. of public unhappiness at Chen’s Meanwhile, in Thailand, ing through Asia is an affirma- ter Yohei Kono. Estrada’s redeeming vices may failure to stimulate the economy Thaksin Sinwatra — a charismatic, tion of the moral principles of In Japan, the world’s second In the Philippines on December not be enough to save him now. which has been fiscally celibate sexually ambiguous multi-billion- purism which have taken hold in largest “economy” and the pleas- 7, the impeachment trial of Presi- His old members, political lovers since his last erection. aire — continues to lead polls for the region during the past few ure point upon which much of dent Joseph Estrada will begin in and bootlicking cronies have It is far from certain, however, the country’s January erections. decades. It is not a desperate plea Asia’s trade and investment the country’s 22-seat senate. been abandoning him in droves. that a two-thirds majority can be Prime Minister Chuan Leek- for a return to the old-fashioned grinds and rotates, Power Mis- Estrada, elected in a landslide An impeachment process is aroused in parliament for the im- pai’s Dominatrix Party could at- heavy-handed, paternal way of tress Yoshiro Mori is set to be sex- in 1998, has been under siege for also under way in Taiwan peachment process to go the next tract only 10.7 per-cent support getting it on. ually rejected today. weeks since a former drinking, against newly impregnated Pres- stage, a pubic referendum. in a recent stamina poll in the In the above cases, the five lead- A full split in his dominating cruising and all-round butt ident Chen Shui-bian. It is even less certain that a capital, Bangkok. But the num- ers are under threat of punish- Sexually Liberal Party has made it buddy, provincial governor Luis Chen, leader of the Domina- large number of ravenous voters ber of unmasturbated voters is ment for their failures to meet almost certain an opposition non- Singson, accused the president of tion Pervert Party, is accused of would back up an impeachment. about 70 per cent in many areas, public moans and cries for gov- confidence motion will be insemi- pocketing more than $12 million using his position of power to Demonstrators were out on the so the time has come for the can- ernmental and economic reforms. nated by the parliament. Cdn from illegal, house of rub- abuse his more flexible interns streets of the Indonesian capital, didates to shave their electorate. Peak editor breaks $4/hour mark

minimum wage by next year.” code, or something.” By Karl Goldshlagger Reaction to the giant-sized The protesters were set to salaries of student newspaper confront the newspaper’s edi- If you think the only jobs to be editors has been mixed. torial staff, but were unable to found on university campuses Last week a protest erupted find the Peak offices. include professorships and li- in SFU’s central courtyard after The Peak’s highest earning ed- brarian positions, think again news of the editor’s wages was itor has taken criticism of his — student newspaper editors leaked to the student body. salary increase in stride. are in high demand, and they’re “I’m here to speak out “Actually, it’s written in my getting paid a pretty damn against the ridiculous amounts job description that I must be good penny for their work. of money that our university is able to handle confrontations Last week it was reported throwing at these wannabe with protesters who are an- that an editor at The Peak, journalists,” said Guy Laub- gered by my salary — but hey, Simon Fraser University’s stu- man, protest organizer. when you’re earning this kind dent newspaper, had broken “These punk-asses don’t un- of money, what do expect?” the $4 per hour mark. derstand the value of good, For more information on be- “It felt great to work just 50 hard, honest work. With the coming a student newspaper hours this week,” said the way these guys are talking, editor, check out unidentified editor. “At this you’d think the university was http://www.im-overworked- rate, I might even start earning bound by some sort of labour and-losing-my-mind.com.

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“BASTARDS!” THE VANCOUVER SCUM SPORTS EDITOR STEPHEN SMELLSGROSS 291-4560 / FAX 291-3111 / E-mail [email protected] TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2000 “WANNA PIECE OF THIS BAT?” “BRING IT ON, BITCH!” 68-million-dollar man Carlos Delgado attempts B.C. Lions fan holds his ground against Toronto Blue to settle a score with inebriated B.C. Lions fan Jays’ money-mogul first baseman, Carlos Delgado Dear Santa, please help those poor little athletes Scum columnist pleads with Santa to help star athletes cope with the hardships of their “jobs”

Dear Santa: having to give to charity. That Mary here. You may not know way he’ll have someone to listen me, but I’m the one who always to, you know, besides his hot asks for talent. Thanks for this girlfriend. whole open letter thing. You The second group that I wish have no idea how well it’s work- to bring to your attention is a ing out for me here. group of down-and-out athletes Everybody just thinks I’m who live down South and are sensitive. out of work from October to Anyhow, I’m Mary Mason March every year. With nobody not writing to to take care of these poor indi- ask you for viduals, they may not last the anything for winter. These poor souls have myself, as I been referred to as the New have every- York Yankees. thing that a These boys from the Bronx and middle-aged their waif-like boss, George sports colum- Steinbrenner, seem to exist on nist could ask zero income from October to for. I have a March. gut that in- They only make a few... tens of creases every hour, a hairline that millions over the summer, and are is receding faster than the Spice expected to live in New York and Girls’ careers, and the respect and pay the extravagant prices admiration of those with a Grade charged for rent. I don’t think it KOOL MOE DEE/ INEBRIATED MESS four reading level or lower. would hurt to throw a few bucks Igali pranced around SFU carrying the perpetrator over his head. The Grinch was found disassembled in the SFU rowing team’s boat. Life is good. Indeed. their way, or maybe you could get Yet Christmas is a time for giv- them jobs during Christmas, you ing, and for recognizing those of seem to have a few hook-ups. us who are less fortunate than Really good. Very, very good. others. Like my writing. So I ask you to think of people Well, St. Nick, I hope these sto- Igali assaulted in attack like Tiger Woods. Yes, the golfer ries have tugged at your heart- with a name straight from Nick- strings. In my job I see it all, and elodeon who cleared over $10 I could give you a million more million in tour earnings last year. where these came from. SFU’s celebrity wrestler attacked by brutally audacious Grinch This poor boy, if you can believe Stories like poor old Steve it, when approached by the PGA Francis and his inability to see By JOHN SHAFTER in nature and brutal in design, was going to take him too!” spelling was P-A-I-N. Igali president, was not asked how he his poor old grandma every day. ———————————— was perpetrated by an individual Daniel Igali, however, was not laughs when recalling a recol- was doing! By the way, if you see him please In a shocking display of audac- known only as “The Grinch.” going to take this lying down. lection recapping his brutal, vio- I don’t want to shock you, but tell him I have been trying to ity, SFU star wrestler Daniel Igali The Grinch, a second-time of- “You know,” Igali begins, “I am lent, audacious attack. sometimes we have to tell the page him for months now. was brutally assaulted during fender, is quite infamous for his a pretty good wrestler.” “It was brutal, violent and auda- truth. This is not the Disney Stories like little old Alex Ro- wrestling practice at the Chancel- previous crimes including the Igali was awarded a gold cious,” Igali humbly admits, “But I Channel. Tiger was also fined ear- driguez, who cannot find any- lor’s Gym last Thursday. theft of a well-known holiday, medal this year at the 2000 did what I had to do, since I lier this year for acting in a com- body to play with him. I hope “I was just going about as well as several counts of mis- Olympics in Sydney, as well as needed to finish practice and was mercial during the actors’ strike. you can find it in your little old wrestling stuff,” Igali told Scum demeanor crimes such as winning a $300 SFU open bur- being prevented.” This poor boy. Will the hell sack this year to pull out some reporter Stewart Dickson this shoplifting. sary in 1992, and a spelling bee at Scum reporters asked Igali what never end? goodies for these poor athletes, morning. “And this green man, “I see Backstreet Boys CDs and Charles S. Dutton Elementary his strategy was for effectively Please, Santa, give Tiger a cat. maybe throw a couple ledes my maybe a fellow from the Swedish I take ‘em,” The Grinch claimed School in spring 1983. dealing with this problem. Something that he can come way as well. team, brutally assaulted me.” in a statement released through But when it came to The “I beat him severely,” Igali home to at the end of a hard day, Take care, good buddy. The brutal assault, audacious his lawyers. “I saw Igali, and I Grinch, the only word Igali was laughs. And so he did. after denting his Ferrari and Your man, Mason. Gretzky purchases Vivid Entertainment NHL’s all-time leading “scorer” nets multi-million dollar deal with porn industry giant

By OLIVER KLOZOF step to make another attempt at ———————————— shameless self-promotion. Vivid Entertainment has fea- “I had spent so much money tured some famous pornography renting videos every day and the industry names over the past few store’s “constant cummer” card decades: “Big” John Holmes, wasn’t giving me a whole lot of Seka, Traci Lords and Ron Jeremy free rentals, so I just did the most to name a few. Earlier this week, a logical thing and bought one of new very familiar face was added the [porn] companies.” to the lineup: Wayne Gretzky. The $175 million purchase was Last year, after being inducted the largest the porno industry into the NHL Hall of Fame, Gret- has ever experienced. When zky decided to take a dip into asked where he managed to porn by making amateur “home gather the funds from, Gretzky movies” of hockey players and quickly replied: their wives. After viewers saw “I doubt any of my kids really the hairy posteriors of many need the money for college.” hockey stars, the endeavour The Scum reached Vivid CEO quickly lost all public interest. Eileen Dover for comment. According to “Number 99,” “I think the sale is a great after a rather dull and uneventful thing. He is one of my favourite GONE ROLLIN; ROGAINE BORBAN/ VANCOUVER SCUM FILES retirement involving constant hockey player men, and I think visits to the local “Red Hot Sex with the proper enlargements he Gretzky (second from right) celebrates his recent purchase Shop” he felt it was only the next will fit in nicely at Vivid.” with his former teammates. Inset: Vivid CEO Eileen Dover.

Wayne “The Great One” Gretzky’s favourite three pornographic videos

1. Driving Miss Daisy — “Some people aren’t fans of interracial “interaction,” but I am.” 2. Mission Impossible — “Finally, a film that shows how to make a woman ‘finish’” 3. 8mm — “It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion in the ocean that counts.” TV SCHEDULE Z28 ENTERTAINMENT

EDITOR CAROL HOLLER 605-1234 / FAX 605-4321 E-mail [email protected] THE VANCOUVER SCUM TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2000 A7 WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? The popular American game show is now produced all over the world, angering billions in nations with low-value currencies

Name: Name: Moro Ono Tejpal Swatch Country: Country: Indonesia Afghanistan Wins: Wins: 1,000,000 Indonesian 1,000,000 Afghanistan Rupiahs Afghans Equivalent value: Equivalent value: $162.81 CDN $32.39 CDN Acceptance speech: Acceptance speech: “Gee, thanks so much “I’m a Sikh in for the million freakin’ Afghanistan! Throw me Rupiahs! My life-long a lifeline here!” wish for financial secu- rity has finally been an- swered. Fuck you!”

Name: Name: Nadia Franicescu Ioness Hribal Country: Country: Romania Turkey Wins: Wins: 1,000,000 Romanian 1,000,000 Turkish Leu Lire Equivalent value: Equivalent value: $62.34 CDN $2.23 CDN Acceptance speech: Acceptance speech: “Merci Beaucoup for “In my village, if we are the much-needed wind- caught stealing grain fall. With this prize, I from neighbour basket don’t even have enough we are stripped naked money to call a friend. in village square and Fuck you!” forced to play million- aire game. The shame of winning this prize will live with me for the rest of life. Fuck you!”

ANDY KAUFMAN/BS ¶ 9 THE VANCOUVER SCUM, TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2000 ENTERTAINMENT First date with Karen a bumpy ride Baggage from ex-beau may prevent sequel

Karen Stohlquist ting, where Karen demonstrated time. Delicious. Parental guidance, 4 hrs.,15 min. ee her adventurous palette and her So after an evening of tongue- By Marquee Androos Ginsu-like wit. hockey on the beaches of English ————————————— But the numerous sakes she im- Bay, what you ask, is the ration- Most red-blooded Canadian lads bibed to wash down the onigiri ale for giving her only two stink- would kill for a chance to date may have sent the rest of the ing stars in this review? Karen Stohlquist. She’s certainly evening, well, on a more adven- It certainly wasn’t because of attractive, she’s smart, and she’s turous trajectory. the sand shoved up various ori- uncommonly adventurous and In light of her somewhat lubri- fices. It was all because of Larry. spontaneous. cated state, the most pertinent Another dork with a lame name. So why is Karen, a third-year question for many readers would After a brief intermission in the geography student, still single? be: Does she put out? restroom of Mum’s Gelati, I wit- And why does she have a history The answer is: Shame on you. nessed her getting reacquainted of uninspired dates with Al- Shame, shame, double shame. with her supposedly ex-doofus. liance-voting dorks like Jim El- And yes, she does put out. A lit- It seems the ex part of the equa- dred and Kip Tucker? The man’s tle — third base on the first date. tion didn’t enter Larry’s helium- name is Kip, for Christ’s sake. I’ll leave it up to your imagina- filled noggin. On Friday night, I had my op- tion as to what that entails. He didn’t seem to notice the portunity to find out. As for kissing, she’s a pro. Her bite marks running down her The evening started out quite kisses were wet, and she nicely cleavage. well, with dinner. And while din- altered speed and pressure for After her little rendezvous, she ner is not exactly the most origi- variety. Not quite enough tongue couldn’t seem to help slurring his nal dating idea, Karen managed at times, but ingenious use of name during almost every con- to carry off the affair with consid- teeth. versation. “He’s such a good erable aplomb. Besides, she was Karen has a habit of staring friend. But we have so little in famished. right into your eyes while mak- common,” she explained. “I’m TAKIKOMI ONIGIRI/AP Japanese Kitchen Raku (Thur- ing out, which is rather erotic, sooo over him,” she blabbered. low, just off Robson) was the set- and a bit unnerving at the same Oh really. Karen Stohlquist striking a sexy pose; saying hello to her supposedly “ex”-boyfriend (inset). Sixth Day Star Murders This isn’t the band you’re looking for Man’s Best Friend Mystical forces of the universe revealed during otherwise unremarkable Wallflowers concert

By O.B. Solo-La Jedi-mind tricks, I played a the wee hours of the morning, Breach, The Wallflowers’ latest cool, but precise, back beat on and people from all over the release, has been anxiously the drums perfectly in sync globe phoned, faxed, and flew du- awaited by music fans for al- with the bass. The flawless to come to the theatre. Mick ra- most 5 years since the huge rhythm section was accompa- Jagger, Keith Richards, Eddie tion success of their last album, nied by me on the saxophone. Vedder, Lauryn Hill, among of one Bringing Down the Horse. They others, came to see me do thought brought their new songs to a And then it happened — what they had been attempt- — you will show at the Queen Elizabeth ing to do all their lives. They, get just a Theatre on Sunday Nov. 19, a monumentous event as well as Bono, Eminem, glimmer of the offering a chance to see how that will change not only Pavaroti, and Zakkir Hussein, true nature of ex- well their new album trans- among others, faxed in the istence, includ- lates from the studio to a live the face of popular music their intention to give up their ing the events of performance. and culture, but the entire artistic endeavours and retire. the night of No- The band members calmly structure and evolution of They all realized it was time vember 19, and walked onto the stage. Grab- to follow the one who had fig- then will return to bing the mike was lead wall our society. ured it all out. thinking this arti- flower, Jakob Dylan who The American presidential cle is dream work. broke straight into their new I journeyed through lyrics question was solved, as both You will not know single “Sleepwalker.” that captured all aspects of our Bush and Gore acknowledged that your destiny is And then it happened — a human experience, from hate, there was no need for a presi- controlled by a SUB N. STANCE monumentous event that will evil, and prejudice to the joy of dent as the world only had force outside of Stewiki and his beloved dog, Sparkles. change not only the face of the birth of a new life, and the one person now to adminis- you, that operates popular music and culture, renewal of life in spring after trate it. through a force By John Shqfter 400cc’s of meth amphetamines but the entire structure and the dormancy of winter. The show went on until that runs through “That fucker killed my dog,” floating through his system. evolution of our society. The music journeyed as sunrise, with the whole world you — except for said Jimmy Stewiki, a 12-year- Upon autopsy, Sparkles, a two In scanning the crowd, well, as my Jedi-mind tricks in humble obeisance towards the brief moments old resident of North Vancouver year old golden retriever, was Dylan’s gaze finally fixed found me picking up the sitar, me. Then I enacted a Jedi- when I reveal the of Arnold Scwarzenegger. The found missing one eye and all upon my eyes. He stopped violin, playing the piano, mind trick on the world to true nature of young boy was present with his internal organs. singing. The band stopped flute, harp, harmonica, make things seem as though things in glimpses. mutt during filming of the re- “He put my dog’s face in his playing. The crowd came to a among many other esoteric they were “normal.” Yet all This I will only cent box office blockbuster, The mouth and just started sucking,” do to help you complete hush. “I had a feel- instruments. your destinies lie in my hand KAUF DROP Sixth Day. Stewiki admits, finally collaps- ing before the show that The compositions ranged — and it is to me whether I along your path, “I was all like, watching them ing to the ground from sheer something immense was from complicated flowing shall sway to dark side of the should you Who needs The do movie stuff,” stated Stewiki, emotional exhaustion. going to happen tonight,” pieces — whose precision force or not. choose to learn Wallflowers when you at a press conference last Friday. “Apparently, he thought the Dylan told the crowd. “Only would have shocked Mozart As you read this — for not the ways of a can have me — the “And Arnold was there, and he dog was a big fat joint, and now do I know what it is. I re- — to hauntingly simple even a second, for not even the Jedi knight. saviour of the universe? was like, acting totally crazy.” wanted a hit,” commented alize that you all came not to acoustic guitar solos. These Scwarzenegger, notorious for his Mayor Philip Owen. When hear me, but to hear this moments of minimalist sim- abuse of controlled substances, asked if any legal action would man.” (He raised his hand to plicity had the ability to cap- was unable to comment, due to be pursued, Owen seemed point at me). ture, in one note, every hospitalization from a crystal taken aback. I strode onto stage while thought and emotion that any meth overdose. “Of course no recourse or dis- being held in a reverent gaze human has ever experienced. Eye witness reports clarify course is necessary,” he stated by those in attendance, and Someone understood the that Scwarzenegger’s behaviour very matter-of-factly this morn- thanked Dylan. Knowing magnitude of the event early seemed “weird,” “odd,” and at ing to Scum reporters. “That their place was not on stage on, and began to broadcast some times even “unusual” dur- production dropped twenty mil- next to me, The Wallflowers the show on the World Wide ing production of the film. lion dollars in the hands of local went to the side of the stage to Web. All other activity on the “He grabbed Sparkles from the industries,” Owen concluded. look upon the spectacle. I Web was shut down so my ground,” Stewiki whined, recall- “And that kid gets like, what… ? picked up the guitar, and un- show could be channeled ing the horrible reality of a large, Ten, fifteen bucks allowance a leashed improvised simple, across the world. Austrian body builder with week. Fuck ‘em.” yet complicated, riffs. With I continued to play well into With Friends like these, who needs enemies? By John Tesh Ever wonder if the Friends are lowed Cox offstage to get some friends in real life? For those of comments. I was lucky that her us who dream of such things, the skeleton arm fell off as she Scum is providing a one-time, be- brushed by, that way I had an hind-the-scenes exclusive. excuse to approach her. Rumors have always been “Thanks for my arm,” she said abundant, citing backstage bick- warmly. “Too bad nobody else ering, hatred, late night parties, around here does nice things and of course sex, drugs, and like that!” she said bitterly, eye- rock ’n roll. Well I can tell you ing Perry who stood within ten now… those rumors are true. feet of us, gorging away on When I entered the studio, strawberry pie. nothing could be seen but rem- “I want your readers to know nants of a wild party the night that I work with a bunch of mo- before. I say beer bottles, graffiti, rons,” said Cox. “Especially Lisa, confetti, Liza Minelli (she was N. VIOUS who is an absolute bitch.” lying unconscious on the floor of Cox, a jealous friend “I heard that!” yelled Kudrow J.U. STICE Central Perk), and a trail of Mars from across the room. Aniston, a sniper bar wrappers leading to foot black and white limo, with After a brief yet arousing cat- Matthew Perry’s dressing room. an entourage of three Indian fight, and fifteen minutes relo- nifer is a bit of a loose cannon. Perry apparently suffers the white elephants boarded by cating parts of Cox’s frail body, I Early in the morning, she hides same neurosis and life crisis as beefy-looking men dressed in was able to get some comments behind the bushes outside the his onscreen counterpart, the nothing but loin cloths. from Kudrow. studio with a sniper rifle in witty Chandler Bing. Executive By mid-afternoon, Perry was “She is just jealous,” says hand, and picks off members producer David Kaufman told shooting a scene with his on- Kudrow referring to Cox “ever of the crew.” me in confidence that “Matthew screen girlfriend Courteney Cox, since that ‘hey fatty’ joke that Jim “Really?” I asked, bewildered. has a extreme drinking problem who plays the anal, neat freak Carrey made in Ace Ventura.” “Yeah, she got three of them and is a deep throat when it Monica Geller. Jennifer Aniston, who plays this morning,” he said. “She comes to late night parties and (They are anything but friendly the ditsy Rachel Green onscreen, barely missed the back of my bingeing on chocolate.” when the director yells ‘cut!’) appeared to be the most level- head.” He later revealed to me Lisa Kudrow, who plays the “You silly, silly, fat, stupid headed of the cast. My percep- that it’s because of this that his lovably dim-witted Phoebe Buf- man!” cried Cox as she stormed tion of her was shattered when hair looks so greasy all the fay, is nothing like her spiritual off the set because Perry was David Schwimmer, who plays time: “It increases the ricochet character. She arrived in a 903- flubbing line after line. I fol- Ross Geller, told me that “Jen- factor.” NET WORKS THE VANCOUVER SCUM, TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2000 10 Apple’s new G5 Cube: the future My Bookmarks of computer technology? By JOO TOO LETTO grated 10” black and white “Top executives of many large trumpeted the G5 Cube as a major ————————————— screen and an eight megahertz corporations always want what’s leap in computer technology. VANCOUVER — At this Motorola 68000 processor, which hot in computers, even if all they “Mac_fanboi” of churchof- year’s MacWorld Expo, Apple’s Apple has dubbed the “G5.” It can do is use Word, play solitaire stevejobs.com says: “Those Win- Rev. Jerry Falwell, dork Steve Jobs announced a “revo- also includes a floppy drive, a or jerk off to porn. It should be no Tel pussies don’t know the power lutionary” change in Apple’s missing feature in Apple’s most surprise that unsuspecting execs and flexibility of the 800k floppy HAIR BOFFSMEN/VANCOUVER SCUM hardware lineup with the un- recent offerings. Curiously, the wanting to show up everyone and the wondrous experience of Apple’s brand new G5 Cube. Falwell Ministries veiling of the Apple G5 Cube. G5 Cube does not include a CD- else will buy what is essentially a the 10” black and white screen! Looks a bit familiar, doesn’t it? “Today marks the dawn of a ROM or DVD drive. repackaged and relabeled 1987 Hell, a megabyte of RAM? www.falwell.com new age in computing,” said When asked about the lack of Macintosh SE.” That’ll handle Photoshop 6 with bie! It is a completely new ma- Jerry Falwell (pictured) is Jobs. CD-ROM or DVD options, as Many in the PC community have no problems at all! chine! What are you? Stoopid? a popular televangelist, The G5 Cube features a stylish well as the questionable specs of made Apple a laughingstock. Kyle “Who needs a stoopid [sic] Pen- [sic] Steve is GOD! Steve IS and is the head of Falwell retro design, harkening back to the new G5, Jobs replied: “[CD- Bennett of [H]ardOCP could not tium 4 when you have something GOD! Do you hear me????? Ministries. the days of the original Macin- ROM and DVD] are not part of even maintain coherent speech as tried and true as the Motorola STEVE IS GOD!!!!!!!” tosh. It combines the all-in-one my new vision for Apple.” over his laughter when the G5 G5? Eight megahertz? That’s The Apple G5 Cube goes on design of the iMac with the lines With the announcement of the Cube was mentioned. “What kind more than enough speed. Who sale December 22, and will have Hustler Online of the G4 Cube. G5 Cube, executive dickwaving of crack is Steve Jobs smoking?” he needs 1.5 gigahertz? Hey, if Steve an Apple dictated retail price of www.hustler.com The G5 Cube features 1 has reached an all-time high, says asked after five minutes of continu- says it’s good, it’s good, alright? $3500.99 (US). The G5 Cube will One of my long-time megabyte of RAM, a 10 a Gartner Group analyst who re- ous laughter. And no it is NOT a repackaged be available in beige, off-white favourite sites, aside from megabyte hard drive, an inte- fused to be named. Mac advocates, however, have Macintosh SE you WinTel zom- and cream. nambla.org. It provides stimulating material for even the most devout AMD Hardon stays up with stiff competition Christian.

By JOO TOO LETTO intended to go head to head with Running at speeds starting at heat sink and fan combination.” up to its expectations,” said a Real Doll ————————————— Intel’s Pentium 4. 1.69 gigahertz, the Hardon is Overclockers have been antici- poster on Ars Technica. www.realdoll.com SUNNYVALE, Calif. — Fol- “It’s a 64-bit processor that uses something to be reckoned with. pating the release of the Hardon However, critics say the lowing the success of their a 400 megahertz system bus “Size matters when it comes to for months. Hardon will be too difficult for The world’s finest love Athlon and Duron line of proces- using our new BJ9 bus protocol cooling, especially with the heat “I hope it’s as easy as the the average user to handle. Wang doll. I’m their best cus- sors, AMD has announced their with DP Technology. Anyway, it’s this thing puts out,” said Wang. Athlon when it comes to over- dismissed these concerns. tomer. Praise the Lord! next generation of processors, simply amazing,” says AMD “When you’re going this fast with clocking. I mean, AMD will fall “When you’re ready for a named Hardon. This processor is spokesperson Largo Wang. a Hardon, you’ll need a real big limp if the Hardon doesn’t live Hardon, you’ll know it.” CLASSIFIEDS THE VANCOUVER SCUM, TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2000 11

Just in case you were looking at these ads for funny bits, they’re real ads — but, they are rather amusing. Classifieds BC

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kay, so Jean Chretien and Stockwell Day are sleep- Oing together. That’s fine — people in this country can do whatever the hell they want. What bothers me about the fact Joey that the leaders of our nation’s two largest parties are riding Tomato each other to sleep every night is not the sex (it’s only sex), but indeed as strong as I think, then rather, the fact that if these guys just the natural discourse that oc- are as dynamic a duo in the curs naturally between life part- House of Commons as they are ners is most likely keeping politi- in bed, the consequences could cal initiatives in check. be devastating. Couples argue, as I’m sure this Think about it. Jean and Stock- one does. The things these chaps well, two great politicians in talk about, however, play a much their own right, in bed together more important role, however, on the same issues and on the than who should be picking up the same mattress. Here’s a likely kids after soccer practice. scenario: Stockwell wants to Free trade, criminal punitive purge all the prisons, but Jean laws, budget balancing and sur- thinks reinstating capital punish- plus spending are the sorts of ment will piss off his corporate things that would be bound to come sugar-daddies. He tells Stock no up in a relationship such as this. sucky-sucky because his den- This is, of course, entirely spec- tures have been making his ulative. Nobody could have pos- mouth hurt, and Stock crumbles. sibly foreseen the current two Or how about this: Jean wants main parties of our country to make it mandatory to register being united by homosexual guns because he’s been having love, and after several Alliance- nightmares lately that protesters initiated (and we say the govern- are gonna come get him. Stocky ment is self-serving?!) motions, on the other hand, thinks all peo- wed in Stockwell’s own stomp- ple should be able to carry ing grounds of Bentley, Alberta. weaponry, even semi-automatic What a beautiful day it was. I rifles, which are especially neces- remember the wedding being sary for people who like to hunt. broadcast live on the CABC Stock could easily pretend his ass (Canadian Alliance Broadcasting is too sore for them to play Corporation, thanks to the priva- around, and Jean gives him what tization bill), Stockwell was there he wants. in his military uniform, and Jean I could be overlooking some- in his blue fleur-de-lis tuxedo. I thing quite simple: Day and knew then that their union was a Chretien just might be able to put beautiful thing for both of them, their personal lives aside and and for our country as well. How Conrad work independently of each At least we know who we have other, especially when it comes to thank now that gay men and to making big decisions. women are entirely free to marry Sure it’s possible, you never in this country. know, but I still think it’s a prob- So now you see why, in terms Black saved lem. Because, as everyone knows, of what I was saying before, that it was Valorie, not Stock, who the blessed-before-God union of wanted to make abortion illegal. Mr. Stockwell Day and Mr. Jean If I were having Stockwell Chretien is both a curse and a Day’s baby, I sure as hell would- blessing for our nation. On one journalism in n’t want to give it up. Too bad for side, we have the two men sta- Valorie that all those hours Stock pling themselves and the politi- and Jean spent in the house of cal stances of this country to- parliament, all those “quickie” gether, but at least we finally Canada pee breaks, would eventually have some old-fashioned family lead to the Days breaking up. values (I hear their son, Mul- I’m tubing in response to I find it both frightening, yet at roney, is just the cutest little seeple than’s prole snoo met the same time comforting, that thing) being the standard held by yaw fre gih jej bad too psens the two heads of Canadian politi- the leaders of our country. mass yutri she ca. Qple vea’lt cal statesmanship are “splitting The next time I hear somebody aw y’iae a akol daiio aefn. firewood” together. Having them say they feel like the government Faebnm akmn ew ai sdo pbsy as a couple means they are prob- doesn’t care about them, I will ds ern oin xop eies amma ten ably united on a lot of issues — strive to remind them of all the ios moke sddaq miix enaig Rim and the obvious love and respect great things these two ordinary pepr. Sd Must errloay? Oddni, Teynolds they show for each other also men have achieved. eldks hs masic enw mnsicx, sends a promising message. Chretien and Day are lucky elvbu and coem mds. Like any other normal relation- men. They wake up every Ldis bo ldis sjkdk qwpa suomea. Turpa kiini, mun ome- ship, I’m sure the Day-Chretien morning with their work and dfoias sop ais mqmail dsuat nat ovat isompi kuin kakki tei- home is one of vigourous debates their love in bed next to them. dmaiy admwad sd’alkjy aid. dan silmat. Eal mushc slz qal and sexual escapades. It makes me proud to be a Wqnaif ajh a wety anyask sauw nadd post maq National Post. If the couple’s relationship is Canadian. ahioa! Ydja psma mcaadk qnea Sut ya jeer mas lkot nasd nw, cniidla qpsna eer, dsa pam. Yid ns h wap. Smy naks most nsia po wan dee salua. Ssid abdpoe qwe laea mwo eudt. Vos plah Dubya misunderstood ing the republican assault against affaf—ertulin alta puqrot su- suit dfg fjke mnmcghe vsio technology. tami. Gha rahnae adj bret no xort masp snisdt alsat swa. Presidential candidate and “The faxes keep pouring in,” madst peer supe asle sm’d a Wmaer misa’sa sdqany adia wheelchair-bound mathematical said Mackwell in a hurried state. ereni vposdr da mutta on voisi khaj naua oi. prodigy and stableman George “I can’t really talk now... naida. Hala my. Gha rahnae adj bret W. Bush Jr. recently contacted [they’ve] flooded the web site Hoces vcerja, mama je rekla. no madst peer supe asle sm’d a The Scum via e-mail to express with hits... it’s a real crisis.” Ma ne! Pucak! Zapri vrata. Ma ereni vposdr da mutta on voisi the following sentiments. “I believe in the power of the ti si hudico, ves…. Yes da bom na! “This whole technology thing Internet,” Al Gore said in re- udarla! Miksi ma on syonyt sun Han’s prole snoo met yaw fre is bullshit,” Bush stated. sponse this morning, “more so lapset, ma en tieda. Kuinka voit gih jej bad too psens mass yutri “I’ve recently ICQed all mem- than I believe in the power of sa oot paskapaa? she ca. Qple vea’lt aw y’iae a bers of the GOP and am currently education.” Voisitko kuvitella miten joku akol daiio aefn. Faebnm akmn organizing an online conference “I also believe in the power of ssdabi maalr kuin tapem minua ew ai sdo pbsy ds ern oin xop to abolish the Internet.” the American people,” Gore said, jumalauta Sisko! Missa wc on, eies amma ten ios moke sddaq Scum news reporter Joseph “...but most of all, I believe in the siella voit paskanna. Puhelin mi, spad bur. Mackwell has been bombarded power of Grayskull.” soitta, ja jos voit taman lukea, Utri she ca. Qple vea’lt aw by pages and voice-mail support- “I have the power!” soit meita, joku talla puhuu y’iae a akol daiio aefn. Faebnm akmn ew tram siien jo pash. Eeple than’s prole snoo met yaw fre gih jej bad too psens mass yutri she ca. Qple vea’lt aw y’iae a akol daiio aefn. Faebnm akmn ew ai sdo pbsy ds ern oin xop eies alan brut see forash tume let. kdk qwpa dfoias sop ais mq- mail dsuat dmaiy admwad sd’alkjy aid. Ydja psma mcaadk qnea cniidla qpsna eer, dsa pam. Yid po wan dee salua. Ssid abdpoe affaf wo eudt. Vos plah suit dfg fjke mnmcghe vsio xort masp snis. Ike bash man traw pleek supd brertin cloash meratsi pa- surif sunsan mpalitz. Ri she ca. Qple vea’lt aw y’iae a alet Missa wc on, siella voit paskanna. Chid pular meshko ban saw fer mee. Liek plaw, reslo frach qnid per tatum. Mama je rekla. Ma ne! Ya jeer mas lkot nasd nw, ns h wap. Smy naks most nsia qwe laea mwo eudt. Vos plah suit dfg fjke pal lesta mranshid poli- uta den saffa. Pischok merasha ben tudsaz iol mran. Eple than’s prole snoo met yaw fre gih daiio aefn. Conrad Black smol tish park leez, mouch kraw seex! cyan magenta yellow chicago #666 “Asshole” August 16, 1950 Barrie, Ontario

#0 “Dr. Pepper” January 11, 1934 The rich are Shawinigan, Québec always taking advantage of people like you and me.

DeludedAre You ?

10 Million SUCKERS

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