The Independent ESTD 1947 Cambridge Student Newspaper

22nd June 2011 Issue No. 740

OpiniOn Rhys Treharne dissects the race to be the next Chancellor p9

CulTurE Celebrating May Week indolence in style p16

SpOrT Full coverage of May Bumps joy for Caius and Downing p32

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9 771758 444002 www.varsity.co.uk Comments to make? [email protected] 22nd June 2011 2

Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge, CB2 3RF Telephone 01223 337575 Fax 01223 760949 ESTD 1947 Issue No. 740 www.varsity.co.uk EDITORIAL DIGITAL DIGEST

Just a few of blogs.varsity.co.uk’s Easter term highlights... here are many things wrong with May Week; not least that it T VERIFIED is held in June. When, earlier in the Beyond Trump year, Cambridge students took up residence in Senate House in protest Barack Obama wrote a book called against the steep rise in tuition fees, ‘The Audacity of Hope’; Donald there was an undeniable murmur Trump wrote one called ‘Think Big amongst commentators over the and Kick Ass in Business and Life.’ question why. With both Oxford David Westcott considers the meaning and Cambridge popularly seen as of these two very di erent visions of ‘universities for to s’ as one asinine EMAILS, LETTERS & TWEETS American political life comment on the Guardian’s website put it, the University and its student HUMANITY VALUE to his suggestion that the mantra ‘Educa- body should be astute and aware of tion is a right, not a privilege’ is indicative the image it projects to the world. Dear Sir, of ‘logical and moral incoherence’. The old VETEMENTS This year, 59.3% of places o ered I am a research scientist in Greece (with Soviet Block and Saudia Arabia certainly State-of-the-garb: The Elite were to students from state schools some years’ experience in Cambs back in the agree with him - but this country and forty- – a rise from 2010 but, despite a late 80’s) with a daughter studying English seven others voted in favour of adopting the With luxury labels becoming more huge budget being poured into vari- Lit at St John’s, so your article “New Col- Universal Declaration of Human Rights in universally available whether as the real ous access schemes at both college lege, New Problems” was a very interesting 1948, which includes the ‘right to educa- deal or not and brands selling lifesetyle and university level, this fi gure still read indeed. But while I wholeheartedly tion’ (including ‘fair and equitable access’ as much as clothes, Tanne Spielman comes nowhere near to the 93% of agree that “..New College simply succumbs to Higher Education) in Article 26. It also explains why fashion is still a mark of pupils that receive state education. to – nay, supports – this commoditisation features in Articles 13 and 14 of the Inter- social and political inequality The question then forms; why does of education “, what is the pragmatic, real- national Covenant on Economic, Social Oxbridge still struggle to dispel its istic alternative available under the current and Cultural Rights, signed and ratifi ed by ‘to ’ reputation? circumstances? the United Kingdom in 1966. Every year the media pounce on I mean, accepting that your Tory govern- VARSITECH A Note on Hacking our decadent after exam celebrations ment (coalition with LibDems is only in Charlie Draper and every year their expectations are name), has already reduced humanities via website fulfi lled. Post ball revellers parading funding to bare bones, what other choices So hacking is bad, right? Bad for the top hats and high heels home at do students have to get a top notch educa- INSULTS AND INJURY big software corporations particularly? daybreak make for the perfect image tion in Humanities? Even CU is cutting James Vincent argues for its bravura to fi t the ‘Brideshead’ perception. departments to cope! The Modern Greek Dear Sir, creativity and its elegance. And he Boat Club blazers, deck shoes and department at CU is going to close down Hugo Schmidt’s article reads as a parody explains why the likes of Microsoft have streets littered with Pimms bottles by 2013 and I am sure others, not com- of upper class reactionary bigotry, and is so decided to embrace the ‘homebrew and drunken students probably do moditisable enough, are to follow. The far from the truth it would be laughable if hackers’ not do anything to help. Along with only realistic alternatives are for the Unis people didn’t take it at face value. the combined organised carnage to subsidise them internally (which most I was there, sat at the back. His time of Caesarian and Suicide Sundays, can’t a ord to anymore) or charge full fees, was not wasted for 40 minutes. The talk VICE The Politician’s Wife it is no surprise that when it came like NCH is attempting to do, sugaring the was scheduled to begin at 730, and in the to standing up against the rise to bitter pill by o ering contact with some very end began at just before 8pm. Furthermore £9000 tuition fees, the juxtaposition good current thinkers. I really can’t see any I don’t see how the protesters wasted his With the media in love (mostly) with is problematic. Can students who are other alternative, can you? money, as the talk went on for as long as it Michelle Obama and Sam Cam with happy to spend hundreds of pounds I am a researcher in science/engineering would have had the interruption never hap- her fi ngers in many pies, Alice Tyler on tickets to balls (or thousands in but I agree that it is indeed a very sad day pened. If anything he got greater value for praises Vicky Pryce for challenging the the case of some charitable eBay-ers) when Humanity courses are seen as not money, a ‘warm up act’ as one of the men meek status of the politician’s wife. legitimately complain about a rise valuable enough. on stage decided to put it. He’s telling lies to in tuition fees which will paid back further his own snobbish ends. when they start to earn? George Vekinis His use of dehumanising language is The answer is yes. We have been via website deeply insulting - what di erence does it taught to believe that education make if somebody’s eyes are close together, or YOU, THE COMMENTATOR should be open and available and if RIGHTS OF REPLY if they have larger muscles than he considers A pick of the week’s comments from the website a starting debt of £27,000 risks put- acceptable? Does this make them any less ting o those who are most deserving Dear Sir, human or deserving of respect? The fact he but can least a ord it then we must Irrespective of the piece’s conclusion (and turns to the Island of Dr Moreau to charac- “How is it that these events are allowed to be doubly careful about the image of ignoring its fl agrantly insultingly dehuman- terise the protesters is a disgusting instance excess and decadence that accompa- isation of the protesters), I consider Hugo of othering anyone who doesn’t share his go into the early hours of the morning when nies it in Cambridge. Schmidt’s argument (‘Protests against point of view (and, frankly, what I’d expect Having plugged aware until the New College are ignorant and belligerent’, from a fan of Dawkins and his ilk), and pubs that have live music at a fraction of the early hours in the library all term online) to be shoddily constructed. The does humanism a disservice. there is no doubt that May Week implication of the piece seems to be that volume have to stop at 11:00pm?” provides a deserved fi nale to the year. questionable actions of a minority somehow Rees Nicolas Arnott-Davies John Hammond What we must remember as we fall alter the validity or morality of the actions via website into our beds with tired feet and sore of Grayling and his associates, which of heads is that it also casts a damaging course, they do not. They may undermine “The guy is a fruitcake” Jamie Black, on Michael shadow of elitism over our university the movement, as the editorial introduction - one that we must prepared to suggests, but this is not his claim. Mans eld QC temper at all costs. On a di erent note, I also take objection

The Varsity May News Editor [email protected] Columnists Wilkinson, Anna Goldenberg, Production Manager Head of Design Board of Directors Week Team Andrew Gri n Lettice Franklin Kate Parker, Callum Holmes Charlotte Sewell & Hugo Gye George Shapter Dr Michael Franklin (Chair), [email protected] Sport Editor [email protected] Williams, Lara Prendergast, [email protected] [email protected] Prof. Peter Robinson, Dr Tim Joe Pitt-Rashid, Jess Davies & Harris, Mr Chris Wright, Mr Editor James Corcut Designers Deputy News Editor [email protected] Avantika Chilkoti Maggie Browning Chief Sub-editor Michael Derringer, Mr Hugo Alice Hancock Mike Hillman, Gye (Varsity Society President), [email protected] Anna Goldenberg [email protected] Angela Scarsbrook Chloe Taylor & Jake Evans [email protected] [email protected] Mr Laurie Tu rey, Mr Paul Fashion Editor Contributing Editors Smith, Miss Avantika Chilkoti, Deputy Editor Louise Benson Theatre Critics Natasha Pesaran, Yuming Online Designer Miss Helen Mackreath, Mr Helen Mackreath Opinion Editor [email protected] Craig Slade, Henrietta Brooks, Mei & Rhys Treharne Sub-editors Joe Robertson Josef Pitt-Rashid, Miss Lara [email protected] Helen Mackreath Vicki Perrin & Tom Belger Olivia Anness, Katriel Prendergast, Miss Alice [email protected] Reviews Editor [email protected] Cohn-Gordon, Donald Futers Business & Advertising Hancock & Miss Charlotte Wu Kate Abnett Varsity TV & Leonie Taylor Manager Online Editors Joanna Beaufoy [email protected] Kirsty Gray & Joe Robertson Senior Culture Editor [email protected] Ball Critics Michael Derringer Zoe Large Alice Udale Smith, Courtney [email protected] [email protected] NEWSPAPERS [email protected] SUPPORT RECYCLING Varsity, Old Examination Hall, Free School Lane, Cambridge CB2 3RF. Tel 01223 337575. Fax 01223 760949. Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Ltd. Varsity Publications also publishes BlueSci and The Mays. Recycled paper made up 77.4% of the raw ©2011 Varsity Publications Ltd. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical photocopying, recording or otherwise without material for UK newspapers in 2010 prior permission of the publisher. Printed at Iliffe Print Cambridge — Winship Road, Milton, Cambridge CB24 6PP on 48gsm UPM Matt Paper. Registered as a newspaper at the Post Offi ce. ISSN 1758-4442 NEWSPAPERS SUPPORT RECYCLING 22nd June 2011 News Editor: Andrew Gri n [email protected] 3 May Week: in pictures

May Week in Weather FRI 17 SAT SUN MON TUE WED THU FRI 24 News Editor: Andrew Griffin [email protected] 22nd June 2011 4

Cambridge Spies Michaelmas The year in news Unprecedented rise in Student activism Michaelmas 2010 saw an eruption of Conversely, Seán Hewitt believes that student activism in response to the Co- “the occupation of the Old Schools alition Government’s higher education was definitely a bold move, but it was a policies, which proposed cuts to fund- necessary one given the circumstances. ing and the raising of fees to £9,000. Its biggest success was probably in This culminated in the occupation of allowing a place in which academics, the Old Schools, which lasted 11 days. staff, students and the public could dis- Opinions on the message and the cuss the action that needed to be taken, methods of the protests were and but the space provided more than that: remain divided. in bringing like-minded (and unsure) Hugo Schmidt argues: “Were I to try people together from across Cam- to barge into the Old Schools, I would bridge, the Occupation created a sort be liable to rebuke and punishment and of micro-society of people determined wouldn’t find much sympathy if I did. to uphold values of mutual respect and he gossip’s all been told If a large mob decides to do the same, equality. The overall successes and fail- Tbefore; The guy’s a lad, the it is accepted and even praised. I think ures of the Occupation, then, should girl’s a whore. So this here story’s, that a line was crossed that day, that not be seen in terms of the passing of much less gorey. No shags, no made the subsequent riots and thug- the bill in Parliament, but in the fact shame - perhaps too tame: One gery inevitable. I think that this was that it drew the University’s, and the lucky reveler left her ball, Drunk, also the point at which the campaign public’s, attention to a movement of disheveled - vommed and all. But of the NUS began to fail; that and the people who value individual thought at her back gate there was a snag, mawkish self-pity of the most privi- and the right for education, encourag- No key to be found in her bag. So leged fraction of a privileged fraction ing and welcoming participation from what’s a tipsy gal to do, But run to pretending that they are somehow the everyone whose voice had (so they the next college’s loo. To a neon downtrodden few.” thought) been stifled.” thong she stripped down, Planning to swim the Cam through town. But in her dazed, “happy” state, Union member banned UL lends to Undergraduates Walking past a gyp room, she took The Cambridge Union Society was At the beginning of the academic year, the bate. Unbeknown to her host, embroiled in controversy after Presi- the University Library announced that Decided to help herself to toast. dent James Counsell banned a member all undergraduates would be able to Now we’ve all done this before, for life for allegedly verbally abusing a borrow up to five books from the UL Fallen asleep and remembered no speaker at a debate. for a period of two weeks. Under the more, Until awoken by a blaring Gabriel Latner, a second-year Law old policy only third years, graduate sound, With thick black smoke all student at Peterhouse, was given the and postgraduate students and affili- around. Didn’t make it to the river, ban after he refused to apologise to fel- ated undergraduates were allowed to let alone her set, Porters livid at the low proposition speaker Lauren Booth borrow books.The prospect of having sight they met. for making a comment deemed inap- more students in competition for the propriate at the Union debate, ‘This UL’s limited resources alarmed some, House believes Israel is a rogue state’. whilst others welcomed the change, as According to Latner, the incident it makes access to books more flexible here once was a hunky grad- began when he told Booth that he was for undergraduates. Tuand, Who at the dating Jewish and had volunteered with the Anna Jarvis, the University Librar- game tried his hand. Three years Israeli Army. Latner believed this infor- ian, said: “The UL is pleased to extend on, hadn’t found the one, Vowed mation contributed to Booth’s unease. borrowing to all Cambridge under- to find her before he’s done. An On Booth’s request, Latner was graduate students. We hope that they advent calendar he bought him- moved from first to second speaker for will benefit from gaining familiarity in self, There it stands atop his shelf. the proposition. Before getting up to the use of a great research library from Each lass he courted throughout speak, he turned to Booth and said, “I early in their student life.” this year, Was marked by one treat am going to nail you to the fucking wall Jack Jeffries, a second year English from here. One, two, three...to up there”. student at Emmanuel argued that since twenty-two, Cinderella, come! He’s Latner’s membership was later rein- borrowing had been extended, the UL got your shoe. Will see more game, stated, and he ran for President. has “lost all of its redeeming features”. than any blue, But he wants the real deal too. Dated girls from the same pack, Even flaunted it posing Corpus JCR disaffiliation as a hack. Yet the end nears next week, Come forth you girls, who Corpus Christi College JCR voted to ing Colleges’ MCRs have also done true love seek. disaffiliate from the Cambridge Univer- so. The last time a JCR disaffiliated sity Students’ Union (CUSU). from CUSU was in March 2006 when 71 per cent of Corpus undergradu- Trinity College Students’ Union voted ates voted for disaffiliation from the to disaffiliate by a margin of only six his week in June’s been quite University’s student union and 149 votes. Ta lark, but on some names left students voted in total. The President of Corpus JCR, Rhys quite a mark. The stars of this tale The postgraduate MCR also voted to Grant, said that the Committee had face quite a blow...job a Spy has to disaffiliate, with 81 per cent of students not received clear information “as to do, though. Don’t let these heads opting out of membership of CUSU. what affiliation fees are used for and go down on your estimation, as we This makes Corpus JCR the only what CUSU does for JCR/MCR com- proceed on this oral expedition. JCR in the University to be disaffili- mittees. We needed some clear reasons The starting line last Friday night; ated, although Magdalene and Down- as to why we should stay affiliated”. sporting folk out with full might. They put on quite the bash - booze Queens’ imbalance CUP cub Dean stories damned Trinity wine cellar and drink and bevs and lash. The only minor hiccough though, was Students at Queens’ expressed unease Cambridge University Press (CUP) ad- The Dean of Churchill College Trinity College revealed that its wine when the lights dimmed much too after an unusually high gender imbal- opted a giant panda cub in an attempt condemmed tabloid coverage of the collection is worth £1.67 million in a low. Not a planned, atmospheric ance was found amongst the incoming to improve relations with potential College’s disciplinary reports as “sen- recent Freedom of Information request. surprise but a power cut, I sur- first-years. Chinese clients. sational”. The College’s collection comprises mise. Ten minutes under the veil As it celebrates 30 years of women The panda cub, named Jian Qiao, In a statement to Varsity, Dr Gopal more than 25,000 bottles. of dark, was quite enough for one being admitted to the College, Queens’ was adopted for life, a commitment clarified that, contrary to reports in The findings mean that Trinity’s lucky shark. This chap and one male first-years outnumber their female of roughly £2,500 a year for the extent the Daily Mail and The Times of India, wine cellar is worth almost twice as lady brusque, made the most of the peers by 107 to 50. of its life, usually around 20 years. she did not “complain” to the College much as the Government’s collection, fleeting dusk. To her knees, down According to one female Queens’ Cambridge University Press were following an incident in which she was which was valued at £870,000 during she went - Oh, I cannot utter what first-year, the gender imbalance had an positive about the investment – Chief propositioned by a former student. the summer. came as she bent. But at what came effect on the College dynamic. “You Executive Stephen Bourne said the “A drunk former student who did not The College has been storing wine in you can easily guess. Just pity he definitely notice it around College. adoption was “part of the “wider com- know me made some inappropriate re- the cellars for centuries and currently who cleared that mess. There are fewer girls about, which I’m mitment to do all we can to protect the marks when I came down to investigate their oldest bottles date back to 1947. not really used to.” environment”. noise late at night.” News Editor: Andrew Griffin 22nd June 2011 [email protected] 5 press cuTTings The year in news Lent The pick of the week’s news ball ruptures pipe Student Protests Tully elected as CUSU President in March elections A rupture of the gas main in Trinity’s Gerard Tully was elected as the new Harriett Flower was voted CUSU Neville’s Court, following preparation President of CUSU after close to Coordinator, and Rosa O’Neill won for their May Ball held on Monday eve- record turn-out in the student union’s Student Support Officer. Morgan ning, inconvenienced Trinity students sabbatical elections. Wild and Ruth Graham, who both ran last week. As a result of the rupture the The Trinity Hall undergraduate was unopposed, were elected to Education gas supply to the boiler was curtailed competing against Sam Wakeford and Officer and Women’s Officer, respec- leading to no hot water or heating for Adam Booth. tively. students living in Great Court, Bishop’s Tully defeated Booth and pushed Taz Rasul, who already runs a web- Hostel, New Court or Neville’s Court. Wakeford into third place site providing a free Personal Statement Whilst backup electrical immersion heat- Under the Single Transferrable Vote proof-reading service to prospective ers were provided for most areas, some system, Tully won in the final round Cambridge applicants, has become the areas, including the Master’s Lodge with 1,635 votes, 500 more than his new Access Officer. and A and B Staircases in Great Court nearest contender Booth. Rasul faced criticism from TCS were left without, forcing evacuation of Turnout for the CUSU elections, News Editor, James Burton, who affected students and guests. An email which is often notoriously low, was described the website as “a very bad sent to all Trinity students outlined that 4,211 or approximately 23 per cent of thing”. Despite this, she still managed “a ground penetrating radar survey was the student population. This represents to beat three other contenders for the carried out prior to commencing the set substantial improvement on previous position. up [of the Ball infrastructure]” but the years. plastic piping was not picked up by this.

Bursary protests JCR’s ‘latent sexism’ Donation dodging Duke of Cambridge riVer CaM DaNGer

Protests continued into the new term as A Varsity investigation revealed that Many students refused to pay an Prince William took the title of Duke An email has been sent to students warn- the fallout from the changes to higher recent JCR presidential elections cre- optional donation added to May Ball of Cambridge after his wedding to ing them against jumping in the river education funding continued to spread. ated a gender imbalance in positions of ticket prices, undermining a new fund- Kate Middleton, on 29th April at West- Cam following a “worrying number of After university officials reduced the college leadership. raising initiative set up by the cross- minster Abbey. cases” of acute diarrhoea and vomit- levels of bursaries available to students After a wave of JCR and CUSU college May Ball Committee. William’s dukedom is one of three ing. According to the email at least two and refused to allow the debate of a presidential hustings, Varsity found that A May Ball Presidents’ Committee titles bestowed by the Queen to honour cases have involved hospitalisation as a Grace on the issue, around 800 stu- men lead almost 80 per cent of student was set up to improve collaboration his marriage; he also took the titles Earl result of students falling or jumping into dents attended a protest in the centre college councils. between different Colleges. This year a of Strathearn and Baron Carrickfergus. the Cam, and the symptoms have been of town, and protesters set up a camp Of the 28 Colleges that accept both number of May Balls donated money Speculation about the Prince’s title “harsh if transitory”. The email goes on the Senate House lawn. male and female applicants, 22 of the collectively towards East Anglia’s Chil- had been mounting since the an- on to warn against the “potential for This represented the first and only JCR presidents are male, which draws dren’s Hospices (EACH). nouncement of his engagement in contracting the life-threatening Weil’s major success for the protesters, as the into question whether there are inher- However many students opted out of November. Other possibilities touted disease” and the risk of injury from the University changed their bursary provi- ent issues with political popularity in the charitable addition. included the Duke of Clarence, Con- “unusual sub-surface debris”. sion in response. the Cambridge student body. naught, Sussex or Windsor.

Here’s to a great summer – and a bright future Meet us on 12 October at the Banking and Finance recruitment fair or join us on 27 October at 7pm for our company presentation at the University Arms Hotel

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Achieving more together News Editor: Andrew Gri n 22nd June 2011 [email protected] 6 ‘Bin Laden’s presence LETTICE FRANKLIN’S was a slip-up’ Elspeth Carruthers talks to Pervez Musharraf about Pakistan’s past, present and future, his place within the country and its place in the world GOT SOME NEWS? EMAIL [email protected]

ANDREW GRIFFIN I’m not going to lie, I really don’t wander this week gracefully between the want to write this column right freshly ironed trouser legs and high heels now. It is entirely my fault that I am doing of other guests. And Suicide Sunday saw so; I jumped eagerly at my editors’ o er of several really quite talented Amy one more chance to feature in these lovely Winehouse impersonators, wandering not pages. Indeed I have been bragging all so gracefully down King’s Parade, around town about my day’s activity, bleary-eyed, face-painted, and enjoying the idea of my productivity. “Ah, jelly-encrusted. I’m just o to write my column, you The evenings of exam term, where hung-over disgrace of a human being lying the rattle of books in one’s bike so uncomfortably on that horrible green, basket echoed desultorily through the green grass, soaking in the sun’s rays” (and empty alleyways of Cambridge, are long I’m going to get back to these rays pronto). gone. Kambar, having hosted no student These brief-lived thrills are now, club night this term, hosted three within however, long-dead. My charming four days, celebrating the moment with a housemate is tapping away at her laptop much-commented-upon actual entry beside me with equal energy. But she is free stamp. Gosh, Cambridge is exciting. Lola to tap in any direction she likes; the chosen Lo has fi rmly established its presence, with one being YouTube videos of a wasted queues stretching round the block, and Amy Winehouse being booed o a Serbian more than one over-excited student stage, stumbling drunkenly over amps, and coming away with £35 less and one more some photos of Petite Lap gira es, few of Daddy Digga Digga Doo mug, complete them so small they could fi t in some lucky with four Moai heads... person’s palm, whilst others, presumably And even a warehouse o their older pals, recline debonairly on Newmarket Road, used by the Bike chaise longues, basking in their Google Polo club, played host to Carmen Elektra’s Images fame. latest opera event, complete with strobe I really, really want to be free to lights, and, by the end, a cast as barely spend my next hour similarly clothed as the most enthusiastic attendees engaged. Two images! Is that enough to of Cindies wearing only white underwear. look at when something more To add to the excitement, jetting mind-blowing than the discovery of Edith into Cambridge from around the Nesbit’s Psammead? Or, although I’d rather world are world class acts of Amy not conclude this, invented on Photoshop Winehouse’s calibre – and perhaps more sober, although guests at Robinson’s May General Pervez Musharraf is a man with Musharraf is optimistic about the future. by some Cambridge student using his now There was great public sympathy in Ball raised eyebrows at King Charles’s a plan – of sorts. Since the launch of exam-free hours even more enterprisingly “One thing I am sure of, the controversy, Pakistan...they have tremendous public unusual performance style, suggesting he his new political party last year and his the tension, is because of misunderstand- support, many people volunteering to than me? To increase my pain the sun has might perhaps have dug a little deep into repeatedly stated intention to return to ing...and trust defi cit. So therefore they join them and to go into Kashmir and his Daddy Digga Digga Doo mug. political life in Pakistan, the former presi- can be repaired, the relationship can be fi ght the Indian army. This is the back- fi nally come out, which makes being tied to my laptop all the more By the time you read this, I plan to dent of Pakistan has received an arrest repaired, and it must be repaired in the ground, and that is how they came up.” be fi rm friends with Professor warrant for involvement in the assassina- interests of our fi ght against terrorism.” What started out as a Pakistani issue, unbearable. Because of some problematic refl ections on the laptop screen, and Green, my name perhaps emblazoned tion of Benazir Bhutto from one court, In a recent BBC interview, Mush- he argues, groups outside Pakistan have across his heart in a new tattoo. Professor charges of treason from another, and has arraf said that it was “very di cult to turned international: “But now with the because this sunshine has removed my one sure-fi re paragraph for this column, I am, Green, were he to hang around, might witnessed a fresh deterioration in Paki- prove non-complicity” on the part of emergence of Taliban, al-Qaida, and have made Cambridge a more attractive stan’s relations with the West. A far cry the ISI with regards to Bin Laden’s pres- what is happening in Afghanistan...they literally, unable to look at the bright side. My grand plans for the column prospect to fellow rapper, Franklyn Aldo, from the days when Musharraf stood ence in Pakistan. When asked about the have started developing a nexus between  who hit the headlines this week because he beside George Bush and Condoleezza suspicions cast on Pakistani intelligence, the two. Previously these people were revolved pretty much entirely around the rain predicted for the coming himself refused to jet into Cambridge, Rice and announced his whole-hearted he replied: “It’s very odd that he was in only interested in Kashmir, now they declining his o er to study psychology, support for the War on Terror. Abbottabad. I would go to the extent have developed a nexus, and that is the week. I imagined lyrical descriptions of rained-upon revellers, metaphors of sociology and politics because he “only Yet to hear him talk about a post-Bin of saying it’s an intelligence failure to a danger.” know one rapper here”. He gave a more Laden Pakistan, is to get a sense that shameful degree. Therefore it’s very dif- Pakistan has always had a military mermaids and dew-drenched roses. I had jubilantly deleted all my laptop’s in-depth insight into his decision in a nothing is irreparable. ficult to prove, nobody would believe government, whereas India never has, statement to The Guardian, which involved The recent news that Pakistani intel- anyone who says we didn’t know, espe- despite their recent development from bookmarks to JSTOR articles that might have helped in exams had I got round to the details of the course and o ered ligence have detained fi ve men alleged cially if he was there for fi ve years.” As the same post-colonial paradigm. I ask actually reading them, and replaced them accommodation. He ended the statement to be CIA informants who helped spy Pakistan rapidly becomes a byword in him how he would account for this. “No with the May Week Bible: BBC Weather with a call to arms, encouraging schools to on the Bin Laden compound in Abbot- the US for [untrustworthiness], Mush- two countries are alike...Pakistan’s politi- Cambridge. Regular checks revealed the empower the local community to “aim tabad is the latest sign of the growing arraf agrees that Bin Laden’s fi ve-year cal elite were all feudal, and that feudal almost gloriously morbid news: heavy, high from a young age and [...] to take part strain between the two countries. Mush- undetected presence doesn’t appeal to elite still continue, whereas India had the heavy rain, with those days described as in extra-curricular activities”. It is perhaps arraf is quick to echo the near-universal ‘common sense’, but maintains: “I know culture of the Congress Party which was ‘partly cloudy’ seeing almost half-hearted, this aiming high that May Week celebrates, assessment that relations have worn thin: there was no complicity, but it’s very dif- well-groomed from a century back. So like Suicide Sunday revellers teetering not only celebrating the intellectual “They are at their lowest, I think...it’s fi cult to prove it.” democracy was deeply seated in India dangerously on the edge of the pavement, endeavors of the Cambridge Alumni but The bigger issue in Pakistan, he argues, whereas in our part of the subcontinent but not totally embracing embarrassment also showcasing their ability to transform was the unilateral and undisclosed US Pakistan, people had a feudalistic, tribal in their not totally embracing the one week into something so The relationship raid. “[Bin Laden’s presence] was a slip- environment, which didn’t really suit pavement... shimmeringly spectacular that it up, a slip-up of a very large magnitude all democracy.” Almost as an afterthought, Contemplating what I somehow transcends time between America right...but the real issue in Pakistan was he goes on: “And may I also add, the could be doing right now from what is, in reality, the violation of our sovereignty, because people in government couldn’t run gov- reveals that, in this week, June, to an ephemeral and Pakistan must the United States crossed the border and ernment as well as the politicians of Cambridge overfl ows burst of revelry, attacked him without informing anyone. India...the military body had to intervene. with more delights music and sparkle be repaired in That drew more criticism than his being In fact it is the politicians themselves who than ever before. on par with one there for fi ve years.” used to come and ask the military to help Exams over, of the the interests of It is not the fi rst time, however, that with changing government.” students throw extravagant Pakistan’s military and intelligence elite A predictable answer, perhaps, from themselves into fi reaworks of our ght against have been accused of support for jihadi a general who took power in a military transforming St John’s, to groups; writer Mohammed Hanif coup d’état and who, in his talk to the Cambridge into May, to terrorism recently argued in an article for OPEN Cambridge Union later that evening, something something that, magazine, India, that Pakistan’s generals expounded on the need to balance ‘the ever more for one week, have turned the country into an ‘inter- state and democracy’. Yet the language exciting than just might happen, just very harmful to our common goal of national jihadi tourist resort’. I asked of juntas and coups, of countries ‘suited’ Google, with each may be. fi ghting the global war on terror. There- General Musharraf if he thought this to democracy, is beginning to sound more Ball promising new fore they must improve.” was a reasonable accusation. “Lashkar-e and more dated. Musharraf will have to exotic treats. Hell, its The growing mistrust over intelligence Taiba or any of the mujahideen groups face some powerful enemies if he wants not totally impossible co-operation becomes particularly crucial within Pakistan, they came up when to return to public life in Pakistan – but that Petite Lap GEORGE SHAPTER in the approach to the planned US with- the Kashmir freedom struggle started he will also have to face a new era. gira es will drawal from Afghanistan in 2014. Yet in 1989, and they are there since then. 22nd June 2011 News Editor: Andrew Gri n [email protected] 7 Corpus Playroom to be reborn Cambridge Pitt Club JOANNA TANG academics funds MPhil The Corpus Playroom will be revital- receive SAM SHARMAN ised over the summer by an extensive £100,000 renovation, and a change of The University Pitt Club has announced management as it passes into the hands birthday that it will sponsor a new scholarship for of the ADC. candidates applying for master’s degrees Corpus Christi College is responsible honours in Politics or International Relations. for funding the renovations, with help In an o cial statement, the club said from the ADC and other donors. The PETER STOREY it hoped to “encourage a new genera- Playroom has heretofore been managed tion of politicians and internationalists by the Cambridge Arts Theatre, and is A handful of distinguished Cambridge through the establishment of the Pitt the home of the Fletcher Players, who academics are amongst the recipients of Club Scholarship”. launched the Corpus Playroom Regen- state honours for the Queen’s O cial From October, one scholar each year eration Project a year ago that began by Birthday. will be selected on the basis not only securing new upholstery for the seating The 85-year-old Professor Robert of their intellectual merit and fi nancial and new carpeting last summer. Edwards, who pioneered IVF treatment need but also on their leadership poten- Max Upton, the new President of in the 1970s, is made a Knight Bachelor tial. The selection will be made by the the Fletcher Players, expressed his in recognition of his extensive work in Department of Politics and Interna- delight at the developments: “For years, reproductive biology. This is the second tional Studies. the Playroom has been in dire need of prestigious award in a matter of months The Pitt Club, while intended pri- refurbishment works, but now we’ll be for Sir Robert, who became a Nobel marily as a private members’ dining and returning next Michaelmas to some Laureate in medicine earlier this year. social club, has always had political asso- brand spanking new backstage areas. As a result of his work, more than four ciations since its foundation in honour Actors will no longer be taking a risk million children have been born through of William Pitt the Younger in 1835. each time they descend to the basement the use of IVF. However, in addition to its politi- – this will be transformed into a work- Professor Mark Welland, founder of cal purpose, the club is supporting this shop, storage area and also a dressing the University’s Nanoscience Centre, scholarship as a way of ‘contributing room, complete with mirrors and sofas. was also knighted. Beginning his work to the University’s fundraising e orts’, “Furthermore, the current ‘green renovations, in particular the new techni- Cambridge drama scene... It facilitates in the US, Professor Welland has risen a representative for the Club said, in room’ will become a new box office cal equipment to be fi tted, are expected an extraordinary closeness between cast to be one of the foremost experts recognition of the increased fi nancial and also an antechamber for the audi- to raise the facilities to approach those of and audience which simply can’t be in the fi elds of Nanoscience and pressure on students. ence; we will, at long last, have toilets for the ADC Theatre. achieved in the ADC.” Nanotechnology and is now the Chief He added: “At a time when the Uni- intervals!” Celine Lowenthal is directing and She believes the renovations will “do Scientifi c Advisor to the Ministry of versity is feeling the squeeze of public This term the Playroom has played acting at the Playroom in Michaelmas,. wonders” to this “powerhouse of stu- Defence. Sir Mark has said he is “deeply spending cuts it is incredibly impor- host to its annual Corpus Freshers’ Play, She explained the Playroom’s renown dent drama”. honoured” to receive the knighthood. tant that we all support the educational Accidental Death of an Anarchist, and staged for a different style of theatre to the Max Upton commented: “I am Also honoured is Yasir Suleiman, experience provided by Cambridge in new writing in the the satire MORE. ADC: “The versatility of the space and extremely grateful to the ADC and Fellow of King’s College and the His any and every way that we can.” The Playroom provides a mark- the small audience size makes it perfect Corpus Christi College, as well as my Majesty Sultan Qaboos Bin Sa’id The Pitt Club Scholarship, open to stu- edly different atmosphere to other for hosting more ‘risky’ work which is predecessor Toby Jones. This partnership Professor of Modern Arabic Studies, dents of any nationality, residency status, theatrical spaces in Cambridge because perhaps harder to pull off, but, more is going to have a wonderful e ect on an who was made a Commander of the age or gender, will provide up to £15,000 of its unique dimensions, seating 80 often than not, fantastic. You might already rather wonderful drama scene.” Order of the British Empire for his per year to assist with fees, maintenance, in a L-shaped space. However, the call it the Edinburgh Fringe of the services to scholarship. travel or research funding. 4 candidates in election for Chancellor Locals say balls to balls LOUISA LOVELUCK education. I have no personal agenda, me, [it] has always been the centre search in science and humanities free and if elected, my sole aim would be of the earth, there is a brightness and of overt profi t motive, to erudition HANNAH WILKINSON Nominations closed on Friday for the to help the University in any way that light there that rivals that on Mount and critical thinking, cultural creativ- position of University Chancellor. I can.” Everest.” ity, diversity and socially just acces- Cambridge residents have been com- Four candidates are now o cially in However, Lord Sainsbury faces The Facebook group gave his sup- sibility at all levels; damage which plaining about May Week revelry. the running to replace HRH Prince challenges from a number of quarters, porters some idea of what a Blessed comes from considering market forces Richard Bagnall, who contacted Cam- Phillip in the role. These are: Labour not least from underdog Abdul Arain chancellorship would be like, telling and personal-investment models as bridge News yesterday to complain about peer Lord Sainsbury, Mill Road who has attracted much attention with them to “picture Brian loudly reciting paramount for the future.” the “terrible racket” emanating from shopkeeper Abdul Arain, actor Brian his grass-root ticket. the Latin at graduation ceremonies”. Jason Scott-Warren, a Fellow of Emmanuel in the early hours of the Blessed and a late entry, Michael Although some remain sceptical However, it is the latest entry, Gonville and Caius, has spoken out morning. Mansfi eld QC. about his viability as a candidate, the respected barrister Michael Mansfi eld, in favour of Mansfi eld’s candidacy, Evidently not a fan of French electro- Each candidate received the Mill Road shopkeeper has responded who is seen as the main challenger to arguing that he “o ers an excellent pop, Mr Bagnall told Cambridge News required 50 nominations to be to critics by emphasising his local con- Lord Sainsbury. The self-described model for the public value of inde- there was “really no excuse”, something considered for the position. The vote nections: “I believe that every single ‘radical lawyer’ is best known for pendent, critical thinking at a time with which several commenters were has been scheduled for Friday 14th person who makes up our community representing Mohammed Al Fayed at when higher education is increasingly inclined to agree, including one who had October and Saturday 15th October. has a responsibility. the inquest into the death of Diana, seen as a private good, subject to the had to take the day o work because they All Members of Senate House will be “When you look at Prince Philip, Princess of Wales. He has been nomi- laws of the free market”. were too tired after being kept awake by permitted to take part. he is removed from local life. I believe nated by academics who oppose Lord Elected for life, the new Chancellor the previous evening’s revelries. Lord Sainsbury, former chairman that bringing that touch back with, Sainsbury’s candidacy. will become the constitutional head Unsurprisingly, last night’s fi reworks of the eponymous supermarket giant, what I would call, a normal indi- Mansfi eld has used his candidacy to of the University. Their principal display failed to warm the hearts of the was the fi rst nominee and remains vidual, would make Cambridge more criticise the Coalition Government’s public role will be the conferment local residents, provoking complaints favourite to win the election. In a accessible.” educational policies. of Honorary Degrees at an annual about disturbed dogs and children statement on Friday, the billionaire Lord Sainsbury also faces com- Reacting to his successful nomina- ceremony. kept awake all night. The main prob- Kingsman rea rmed his commitment petition from two late entries, Brian tion, he last night issued a withering lem, however, seems to be a perceived to the University: “I have great admi- Blessed and Michael Mansfi eld. critique of David Willetts’s proposals: divergence between regulations on the ration and a ection for the University, After a Facebook campaign suc- “Many central values of higher edu- Read Varsity’s interview with hopeful candidate activities of students and townies. built up over all the years since I was cessfully secured Blessed’s candidacy, cation seem in these times subject to With a large number of o cial com- an undergraduate at King’s. the Shakespearean actor spoke of new and untried policies that threaten Abdul Arain, on www.varsity.co.uk plaints every year, the council publishes “I also have a life-long interest in his admiration for Cambridge: “For to infl ict major harm: damage to re- The May Ball Handbook which stipulates that residents close to the College must be given “a brief note” telling them who to get in touch with if there are any problems, but this doesn’t seem to have placated the locals. And it may be hard to feel sympathy for someone who paid £200 to go to a party you weren’t invited to, but amongst the complaints a few people managed to fi nd it in their hearts to forgive us, supporting our right to party till the small hours a few times a year and resorting to ear-plugs to get them through the night, with one resi- dent commenting: “If it costs £9,000 to attend university, I’d say let them have Lord Sainsbury Abdul Arain Michael Mansfi eld Brian Blessed a party.” News Editor: Andrew Griffin [email protected] 22nd June 2011 8 Sports complex off the starting blocks

sAm shArmAn Funding for a sports centre for the University of Cambridge has at last been secured, the Sports Syndicate has announced, over a decade after plans were first initiated. The first phase of the project, costing an expected £16 million, is aimed to be completed in time for the 2013/14 academic year. It will provide a range of new facilities specifically for the University, including a large central hall for sports such as basket- ball, badminton and volleyball, and multi-purpose rooms for fitness classes, martial arts and other activities. It will be built next to the Wilber- force Road Athletics tracks, in order to be near current outdoor facilities. The project includes additional plans for indoor tennis and squash courts and a 50m pool when further money can be raised. Deborah Lowther, Chair of the Sports Syndicate, said that she was “absolutely delighted to see the plans now coming to fruition”. The announcement comes after de- cades of campaigning from Hawks and Ospreys sports societies, CUSU and the Sports Syndicate itself, which is in charge of the project. There have been lightly, so it has taken some time for cate, and £5 million is expected from Ideas for the repayment of the increased. plans for the centre in place since 1998 the University to satisfy itself that the donations to the University Developw- loan include hiring out the centre for Anthony Lemons, Director of Sport, but financial support from the Univer- centre would meet the needs of the ment Office. A further £1 million is corporate events and charging students said: “I am delighted that after so many sity has only recently been secured. University community and provide hoped to be raised from the sale of the a nominal fee to use the facilities. years this project has finally secured Ms Lowther explained: “This is an value for money.” Fenner’s building on Gresham road, Additionally, college currently pay £4 funding and will be going ahead, and ambitious project and the financial The University will be providing a which houses a gym, a small sports hall per student member to the Sports Syn- I hope it will be a great benefit to commitment could not be undertaken £10 million loan to the Sports Syndi- and administration offices. dicate and it is believed that this will be students.” Lifejackets, bad language & Jaffa Dons to vote on cakes: bumps fines revealed minister Willetts kAtie forster collision with the boat in front. The why it would be a hazard to have a free AlexAndrA hAwkins of Warwick reportedly gained 1,000 cox in question was removed from the for all.” signatures in only a few days and simi- Celebrations are in order for those who competition. The list of fines also reveals some Following a Grace put forward by lar success has been seen in a petition at managed to bump their way ahead in Fines were received by other boats for rather bizarre events. Magdalene’s first Cambridge academics for a vote of ‘no Goldsmiths. This has now developed into this year’s May bumps, four days of boat foul language and excessive bank parties. women’s boat was fined for “excessive confidence’ in David Willetts, the Minis- a nationwide, online petition which, since races along the Cam that took place last Christ’s men’s fourths proved themselves deforestation”, a dig on their rather ter for Universities and Science, all 4,500 its launch on 17th June, has received weekend. to be the most potty mouthed boat, as overexcited rendition of the tradition members of Regent House are to vote on broad support. However, some rowers are less likely they were fined for bad language on of members of the boat decorating this matter within the next month. Many opponents of Mr Willetts’ poli- to be celebrating, with some boats rack- both Wednesday and Friday. themselves with greenery from the The Grace was submitted to the Uni- cies are worried about the negative impact ing up fines of up to £100 for their Although these may seem like paren- bank. versity’s ruling council at the beginning that they may have on Access campaigns. clumsy behaviour on the river. tal slaps on the wrist, they are important Instead of a cash fine the boat has of June, after having been signed by 149 CUSU President, Rahul Mansigani, Most boats received fines for safety to keep the twice-yearly event trouble been given the unlikely punishment of academics. It came partially in response felt that the rising tuition fees would be reasons, such as the Emma men’s thirds, free, as Megan Smith from the Fitz “chopping wood”. to announcements that a greater number “hugely damaging to our Access work, as who were fined £50 for forgetting their women’s boat (who earned blades and It’s not just rowers that can be fined of universities than anticipated were look- the poorest applicants tend to be the most lifejackets, and Sidney women’s seconds, finished fine-free) explains: “An over- either. Officials at the control desk who ing to charge the full £9,000 tuition fee; debt-averse, and it is an abandonment of who had to cough up £20 for ignoring sized bank party is more than four adopted a stray puppy for the day were this made further cuts to the education state responsibility to fund higher educa- instructions. people. This sounds really petty, but if ordered to give up their supply of Jaffa budget look likely as Treasury estimates tion for its huge social benefits”. Cuts in The largest fine of £100 was given you think about the amount of people Cakes for dog biscuits. The puppy in concerning tuition loans were based on the budget are most likely to affect Arts to Caius men’s thirds for “danger- on bikes speeding up and down a tiny question has now been taken in by average fees of £7,500. departments, and this was reflected in the ous coxing”, which resulted in a risky towpath during the races, you can see animal rescue. The Grace proposed the motion that disciplines of the Fellows who supported “in the light of sweeping cuts to the HE the initial Grace. Members of the Faculty budget, the trebling of tuition fees, and of English such as Jason Scott-Warren and incoherent Access policies – all decided Priyamvada Gopal have been amongst on without adequate consultation – the the most outspoken critics of Mr Willetts’ douglAs brumley University shall communicate to HM policies, and Dr Scott Warren praised the Government by June 24th 2011, or as Grace for offering “a mechanism by which soon as possible thereafter, that it has no the University can at last find a voice”. confidence in the policies of the Minister Fears have also arisen that these of State for Universities and Science, and moves are the first signs of an attempt that this duty be delegated to the Coun- to instigate an American-style, privatised cil”. The council debated the matter and university system in the UK. Such fears opinion was clearly in favour of the vote were bolstered earlier this month with the being put to all members of the house. announcement of A.C. Grayling’s ‘New The move for the Grace followed College of the Humanities’ – an inde- Oxford University’s Senate, who con- pendent institution which will charge its firmed a vote of no confidence in the students £18,000 a year. budget cuts and higher tuition fees on 7th When the vote was held in Oxford, the June. This vote at Oxford was the first results were an almost unanimous 283 to time that an English university has passed 5, in favour of the declaration of ‘no con- a vote of ‘no confidence’ in a minister. fidence’ in Mr Willetts’ policies. Within Since these announcements, mul- the next month we shall know whether tiple campaigns of ‘no confidence’ have Cambridge’s Regent House vote results been established at universities across will look similar. The results of the vote the country. A petition at the University will be released on 25th July. Opinion Editor: Helen Mackreath [email protected] 9

ANTONIA STRINGER This House Believes... That Cambridge Garden Parties are a tedious waste of time

PROP. Natasha Pesaran, third year, Trinity OPINION College For the last two years, I have faithfully adhered to the Cam- bridge May Week experience, following a hectic schedule of one Garden Party after another, and eating a diet of stale sand- wiches and lukewarm pimms. However, now in my fi nal year, I have come to realise that the Garden Party, this most Cam- bridge institution, is overrated, and quite frankly, rather boring. For starters, Garden Parties sit somewhere in between informal gatherings of friends, and large- scale organised social events, at which most people are either nursing hangovers or preparing themselves for future hangovers, thus causing confusion: what exactly is the alcohol-intake eti- quette at a Garden Party? Certainly, the Garden Party Why has the race for experience can vary consider- ably. Some garden parties can be relaxed, low key events in which Chancellor turned into the you are o ered the choice of either consuming fairly average food and drink or chatting, pre- sumably about how terrible the Clash of the Greengrocers? weather is. I couldn’t take that for more than about an hour, RHYS TREHARNE Prince Philip will be in town today. Vis- exclusively by Mr Arain himself), and a headache. and some of these things go on iting Robinson College – which I’ve no seems to be running on the sole prem- Of course, this is not to suggest that for fi ve. If the weather is poor – doubt he’ll describe as ‘ghastly’ – in the ise that defeating Lord Sainsbury would the selection of candidates is in anyway as it has been this year – there is As Prince Philip bids afternoon, the outgoing Chancellor has naturally ensure that the new Sains- an historical disappointment; the Uni- quite literally no escape: you’re proved remarkably adept in o ce; not bury’s store planned for Mill Road versity of Cambridge does not have meant to be in the garden after an overdue adieu because of his long record of achieve- would not go ahead. I wish him the best a record of impressive Chancellors. all, and 200 people cowering to Cambridge, the ments (no such record exists), but rather of luck with this. Ignoring for a moment (if we can) the beneath one gazebo is not my because he has done next to nothing Lord Sainsbury himself is not an current incumbent, the roll call of previ- idea of a great time. complexion of the whilst in post. unlikely nominee – though the fact that ous Chancellors reads like an unending Honorifi c to the point of invisibility, he has in the past donated nearly £82 list of Lords, Marquesses, Dukes, and OPP. candidates set to the position of Chancellor of the Uni- million to the University is, as Mary Barons, interrupted by the occasional Pippa Calvin, fi rst year, Fitzwilliam replace him seem to versity of Cambridge is essentially an Beard has recently pointed out, “totally commoner (indeed, Jan Smuts must College empty one. This is perhaps why the Duke unconnected” to that nomination. be a continual source of pride for the be either mad, bad, or of Edinburgh’s visit is about as surpris- This brings us to Brian Blessed, who, if University). The term ‘Garden Party’ con- ing as it is unwelcome; Cambridge, after I were pushed, would be my fi rst choice. Perhaps most astonishing is the com- jures up images of quintessential dangerous all, is just another destination on his This is not as barmy a selection as you plete absence of female candidates: Englishness: sitting on the lawn farewell tour; the fi nal stop of his long might think: if the Chancellorship is could the second decade of the with a G&T; chatting about goodbye from public life. an entirely honorary position 21st century have been the weather and listening to a brass Still, now that the old duffer is on then surely the Facebook right time for the Uni- band – a far too civilized a air. his way out, you might think it was the group championing versity to nominate I invited a friend from home to perfect time for the University to pick a his nomination has a woman? (It’s visit for Suicide Sunday, which new and enlightened candidate: time, in it right when it amazing that gave me a whole new perspec- fact, for a promotion for Lord Rees of imagines “Brian we even have tive. Despite promises of a good Ludlow, Master of Trinity. loudly recit- to ask our- time and all-day-all-you-can- Instead the race for the Chancel- ing the Latin selves such a drink alcohol, we were both lorship has been replaced by a strange at graduation question.) slightly apprehensive, having beauty contest. The election of a seri- ceremonies”. In any seen Garden Parties on our plans ous if entirely honorary o ce has been If we can’t case, given for the day. turned into a clash of celebrity: per- have Lord that the We could not have been more sonality, ego, and opportunism have Rees, then we University wrong. The Garden Parties had replaced integrity of character as the can at least was intent all we could have asked for: dynamic variables of the contest. have a laugh. on nomi- Bountiful alcohol? Check. Dis- Whilst Lord Sainsbury (alumnus of The less said nating an tinctive entertainment? Check. King’s College) and Mr Abdul Arain about Michael adequate yet Great company? Check. We (alumnus of Anglia Polytechnic) seem to Mansfield, mean- wholly unimpres- were happily surprised. Granted, be taking part in the Clash of the Green- while, the better. A sive initial candidate quality seems to depend on Honori c to the grocers, that lunatic actor Brian Blessed man who self-describes as – Lord Sainsbury – and who’s throwing the party. But and the self-regarding barrister Michael a “radical lawyer” and whose must now contend with thent it’s up to you to choose point of invisibility, Mansfi eld have cleared the fi eld entirely most (in)famous client is Mohamed Al a group of opportunistic and semi- wisely from the huge variety on of any reasonable candidates. Fayed (yet another Greengrocer) imme- serious pretenders, the only answer o er. the position of All this would not be so bad if the diately raises questions not merely of I feel is to abolish the o ce of Chan- The Garden Party is a Cam- election itself had not become such an judgment, but also of motive. Is he really cellor entirely. That’s right, wind it up, bridge institution, practically Chancellor of embarrassment. Any hopes that the in the race because of a stand-out suit- invest the current VC with the honorary more important than Matricula- University may have harboured of a ability for the role, or because his pious accoutrements of the Chancellorship tion Dinner or the Tripos exams. the University smooth coronation have now shrivelled wish to “defend Higher Education from and be done with it. A chance to get together with like a salted snail, and instead we’re left market forces” forms part of a broader For one of the oldest and most friends, let o steam with the of Cambridge is with this rag-bag selection of second- political agenda that runs contrary to respected seats of learning in the world, help of a fair few drinks, and essentially an rates and half-wits. the coalition government? A political this year’s race for Chancellor has been celebrate having made it through Firstly, as an outsider in the election Chancellor would be a headache – and a bitter embarrassment. But of course, the year. I can’t think of any- empty one Mr Arain has been compared with one only needs to glance at the names of it could always be worse: the Chancellor thing more worthwhile. Barack Obama (a comparison made his nominators to realise how much of of Cardi University is Neil Kinnock… Opinion Editor: Helen Mackreath 22nd June 2010 [email protected] 10 The future of journalism Newspapers should represent a nascent channel for opinionated debate rather than be perceived as a dying symbol of out-dated journalism

KIRSTY GRAY s you read this article, Yet perhaps it is too easy to pre- A newspaper might no longer empower a new kind of journalist, take a moment to maturely reach for the shovel – the deliver a breaking story to your but we must remember that in the Newspapers still appreciate the reading rise of social networking need not doorstep, but there is still room for Arab Spring and beyond it o ered have a role to play in experience that has been push print journalism into it to invite experienced, the only way of disseminating lovingly presented to its grave. Our Face- opinionated writers to information without pressure from providing opinionated, you.A Feel the dark ink smear across book-fuelled world your breakfast-bar goverments; it was the free press, your fi ngertips; inhale the print-y will merely test its debate. A PC not at alternative to it. rather than objective, aroma that wafts from these pages; adaptability. has the pace, We should not assume that journalism delight in the rustle of paper as you This kind but print has Europe is a safe haven from this sort fl ick through its stories. Because, of thing has the power of of repression – after all, there are after eight weeks when news is only happened credibility. To more journalists in prison in Turkey served with a vaguely satisfying before. transform a than in China. mouse click, Varsity only pampers Books stood newspaper The recent revelation that super you with this sensual luxury but strong into merely injunctions can co-exist alongside once during exam term. against the a mediation our precious freedom of informa- But in the same way that the advent of of other tion has unsettled an already nervy Kindle is sinking its claws into the cinema, just sources British press industry. This debacle feeble paperback, the delicate pages as the news- would be exposed both the restraints that of the traditional broadsheet are paper squared shedding its journalists face, and the e ective- also under attack. That little Twitter up to the chal- greatest asset. A ness of the internet. Journalists are bird may look cute and harmless lenge of television battle against bias increasingly questioning the service but it sure has an aggressive peck. and radio. Could is doomed from the that they provide to their reader- In an age when the ‘hashtag’ has it be, then, that we outset. ship. They may now have to elbow practically become a punctuation are falling into the age-old The Daily Mail, for exam- through clusters of bloggers and A newspaper might mark in its own right, bringing in trap of panicking when faced with ple, falls into a unique category of status-updaters in order to present its newly truncated grammatical social change, and of presuming things we Brits love to hate, along their ideas to the public but this no longer deliver constructions an equally truncated that every one of those changes is a with Simon Cowell; the London is no reason to feel undermined. way of delivering information, the revolution? The Industrial Revolu- Olympics; rain. But this tabloid’s Good writing will out, and it will do a breaking story... future of print journalism is look- tion – when our nineteenth-century infamous bias also makes it the so, in most cases, in the newspapers: ing increasingly unstable. When ancestors squealed in the intimidat- world’s second most popular news- perhaps the most important thing but there is stilll hearing the news is as instant as ing factory shadows – has become paper online. for the modern journalist to do is to room for it to refreshing a screen, reiterating that the ‘Social Media Revolution’. The people want prejudice. bring those bloggers with her. same information on a piece of Media commentators have We will never succeed in an Social networking’s rapid rise has invite experienced, paper released eighteen hours later argued that, whilst social network- attempt to present ‘truth’: that rocked print journalism’s boat but may now seem like unnecessary ing sites blur the boundary between process is as fl awed in principle as the industry is still strong enough opinionated writers theatrical luddism. news and rumour, the newspapers’ it is in practice. Instead, we should to stay afl oat and ride the same In 2011, the news follower is also only strength will be its claim to embrace the fact that our society internet wave. Indeed, the role of to your breakfast-bar the news maker. Why wait for the neutrality and authority. But sit- allows for opinion and commen- the humble British newspaper is evening bulletins to confi rm that ting on the fence never got anyone taries in the popular media whilst changing but, by recognising its own debate you were part of political revolu- anywhere fast – the secret weapon other nations only have access to strengths, there’s no reason to fi nd tionary history when you can ‘tweet’ of print journalism is opinion, not journalism fi ltered by an undemo- something else to hold our fi sh and it to the world yourself ? #Egypt. objectivity. cratic government. Twitter may chips in just yet. May Week Nostalgia May Week stands as testament to the fact that Cambridge students know how to party well

ooking back (as is Party planners can only dream of knowing full well that May Week And rest assured that those common for ageing the sort of locations that this age old will forever seem like that glorious outside of Cambridge will also third years, on the cusp city provides. Event managers could improbability that I fi rst thought it struggle to believe it. The Daily Mail LARA PRENDERGAST of graduating, to do), I never match the sort of energy that was. It is pure decadence, of course. will have an obligatory photo of a can recall the fi rst time I each May Ball President and their And as we all stream back bedraggled couple walking May Week stands Lheard about May Week. It seemed a team put into creating their night. from our respective down King’s Parade glorious improbability. Cambridge, As for the revelers, we party, night balls this morning, for their readers to as testament to the the bastion of diligent scholasticism, and day, as hard as we work in the bleary eyed and ogle at; friends liked to party. libraries, knowing all too well that ready for bed, at other fact that Cambridge I remember friends who were these may be the best days of our it is unlikely universities heading o to places such as lives. that in years will assume students know how to Manchester, Bristol and Leeds all When May Week does arrive, we to come you have party well alerting me to the dangers of head- are reminded why we worked so we will concocted ing to a city which puts work fi rst, hard in the fi rst place. Cambridge look back May and everything else, supposedly, is a place of myth and reality. The and really Week to second. Warnings were issued: reality is that we slave away with believe it account “Don’t expect to have fun”, “You’re Nietzsche, Kant and Foucault for happened. for the just going to have to work so hard”, most of the year. They may have It never embar- “Apparently Cambridge nightlife is known many things but not how to will, not rassment May Week will awful”. party. Our festivities, though, are again, noth- of Cam- In some ways they were right. the things of myth. Miraculous fi c- ing like this. bridge’s forever seem We have all worked extraordinarily tions, in which we escape to another May Week is clubs; even hard. We have perhaps sacrifi ced world, dressed up in silk and fl owers, a pure moment; recounting the like that glorious some nocturnal exploits for more sipping on champagne and danc- lasting for no time night’s events bookish ones. The music in Cindies ing until our feet hurt. It is a reality and all time, pass- to fellow Cantabs improbability that I is atrocious. for one week in June, but soon it ing instantly but reborn will suddenly seem But having fun? There they got will fl icker away and become myth time and time again through more like a fairy tale. But the rst thought it was it completely wrong. This city is again, a beautiful week of escapism memory and recollection while truth is stranger than fi ction, and the ultimate playground, and at no a orded to us because we made trying to remember that there is life that truth is that we do know how point is this proved more convinc- sacrifi ces earlier on. beyond those tiresome days in the to party, and we do it so expertly, ingly than when the carnival of So after three years here, when library, or (I shudder to think) in the that for some, well, it’s just hard to May Week comes around. the party comes to an end, I leave o ce. believe. Opinion Editor: Helen Mackreath 22nd 2011 [email protected] 11

The Only fter the extraordinary soaps with one foot in reality. free to have the intense joy which and the most plausible explanation Bafta success of The What is even more mysterious is we will carry with us forever. is surely our recognition of the Only Way Is Essex, our enthusiastic embrace of pro- In reality television, as in life, value of nothingness to our lives. Way is Britain has been left grammes which essentially revolve silence carries Nowhere is this scratching its collective around nothingness: at least half the greatest more true than headA over the widespread popu- of Made in Chelsea consists of signifi cance. Cambridge, Cambridge larity of Towie (sure) and other shots of London and close-ups of These shows where the fran- ‘structured reality’ shows, where meaningful looks on meaningless are at their tic activity of real people are fi tted into soap-style faces. However, this appreciation of best when exam term is Reality TV teaches storylines and are left to interact emptiness is not surprising when we one is free endured only us the importance of with predictably melodramatic consider the fundamental impor- to refl ect through our results. There are two puzzling fac- tance of emptiness to our own lives, on the knowledge emptiness tors about these programmes: the particularly here in Cambridge. vapid- that at the fi rst is their vague blending of fact These programmes, with their ity of the end of it we HUGO GYE and reality, the second the fact that addictive presentation of boredom, whole can enjoy a they are so numbingly tedious. bring us face to face with the empti- edifi ce, just few days of Towie, like its Sloaney o spring ness which characterises some of as we are nothing at all, Made in Chelsea, looks outwardly the greatest moments of our lives. at our best with no duties like a drama series, with high We all enjoy May Balls, sporting when we are or expectations production values, melodious victories and receiving that hard- unfettered by or even purpose. soundtrack and strings of contrived earned 2.i; but these are not what aspiration. In the It can’t last forever coincidences which set up high- will live on as the heart of the Cam- glorious pauses between May Week – whether you are returning to tension showdowns at the end of bridge experience. What is far more revelries we can relax, freed from the Cambridge grind or plunging each episode. However, such shows important is the time in between: the pressure of having to enjoy into the proverbial Real World, the are too poorly acted to be fake – the the morning after, the post-match ourselves. oppression of activity will come dialogue too stilted, the storylines pint, the exhaustion of the week Is this pretentious? Obviously. again. Never mind: after all, while too drawn-out. Nonetheless, the before May Week. Grand events But the rampant proliferation of “too much of something is bad public has welcomed the chance are burdened by expectation; only TV featuring nobodies doing noth- enough,” it remains true that “too to embrace glossier reality shows, when we shed those burdens are we ing must have a reason behind it, much of nothing is just as tough.” Does New Media equal social expansion? Joe Pitt-Rashid on why the internet may induce more insulation than inclusion

he Goliath of totalitari- are that we can transcend our cir- anism will be brought cumstances and access people and down by the David ideas that we would not encounter of the microchip.” So otherwise. The potential harm is said a prescient Ronald that we become detached from our JOE PITT-RASHID ReaganT in 1989, the same year immediate environment and the PRADEEPA SIVASANTHIRAN that Tim Berners-Lee invented people in it and that we choose not the World Wide Web. Twenty-two to confront, or be confronted by, years later, Facebook-facilitated di cult views. revolutions in the Middle East This represents a development are testament to the internet’s in the dialectic between the view unprecedented utility as a forum for that our interests can be separated communication and thus as a boon from our social context and the to democracy. view that they cannot. The rela- The internet is credited with a tion between our interests and our crucial role in the recent events social context becomes increasingly which brought Tunisia, and others, symbiotic because we have more a step closer to democracy because control over that social context and it allowed disparate revolutionary thus an enhanced ability to create factions to share information. This ourselves. is one way in which technology Choice is on the up in almost enhances our ability to choose the every aspect of our lives and this is kind of world we live in. It also as it should be, given that promot- increases choice in more everyday ways: iPlayer and Spotify are trivial examples, but myriad news web- sites enabling us to decide how the world is described to us and social The internet...is networking sites connecting us with a global community are more prone to segregation signifi cant. They assist the creation of discrete online communities and and intellectual give us choice over which of those communities we join. partition that is all Thus technology makes the world smaller in two ways. Firstly, we are the more dangerous more connected than ever before. Secondly, we have the potential to because it exists in be more narrowly connected than a notionally open ever before, to be sheltered from perspectives that are di erent to environment our own: the liberal left reads The Guardian, the right reads The Tele- graph, quasi-facists watch Fox News ing the ability to choose has long and Iranian Government loyalists been the aim of western political watch Press TV. processes as choice is taken to be of threatens to warp our view of the content also bodes well for diversity The internet is not just an open vital importance to the big fi sh of world. This is made all the more within websites. forum for the free exchange of liberal values, freedom. However, dangerous when that localism mas- Whilst it will always be true that ideas, as it is commonly purported more choice entails not just more querades as globalism. the internet is more pluralistic than to be – it is prone to segregation freedom but also more obligations. Individuals can combat this e ect the local pub, that pluralism is only and intellectual partition that is As our ability to control the way the by doing more to expand their news benefi cial if it is sought out and all the more dangerous because world appears to us increases, so sources and give greater consider- promoted. We have more control it exists in a notionally open envi- too does our obligation to exercise ation to the socio-political context over our world than ever and con- ronment. It also allows us to join that control responsibly. of what they read and watch sequently are ethically compelled to communities that di er vastly This involves recognising two online. Organisations, particularly make that world inclusive. from those we inhabit; a rural important things. Firstly, that appa- media organisations, can stop sheep farmer in Wales can be part rantly global online communities preaching to the converted and do JOE PITT RASHID EDITED VARSITY DURING MICHAELMAS TERM 2010

the essaythe of a radical Sudanese anarchist can be intellectually localised and more to challenge their readership. movement. The benefi ts of this secondly, that this online localism The increase in user-generated Sixth Form Teacher of Mathematics Required for August 2011 Would you like to try teaching but don’t yet want to do a PGCE? Would you like to teach Maths at A-level, and in preparation for university entry? Would you like to live in Brighton and work at one of England’s leading schools? The salary will start at £27k and the College also has an attractive package of Benefits in Kind. For further details contact Carley Hawes on 01273-704386 or Email: [email protected] An application form and a letter outlining your suitability for this post together with a current CV should be completed as soon as possible. Brighton College, Eastern Road, Brighton, East Sussex, BN2 0AL

Brighton College is committed to safeguarding and promoting the welfare of children; the successful applicant will be subject to an enhanced disclosure through the CRB

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Our course, taught by Oxbridge develop those pitches which it graduates with years of experience considers justify investment. You in the BBC, Channel 4 and the will have privileged access to independent TV sector, will equip an important source of potential you with the media skills to funding. communicate your subject to the world. The focus of the course is factual programming: you will Channel 4’s editorial and business produce increasingly-complex staff will give additional lectures programmes, culminating in and seminars and will also look a pilot for a researched and at your proposals. 4Rights, the business-cased programme or commercial arm of Channel 4, series. You will complete the will make funds available to course with a saleable asset at your disposal. *Leitch Review on Skills, 2008, UKCES Registered charity no:1098294

This is just the sort of course the industry needs. Congratulations to the 70 Cambridge University Peter Walton students who successfully gained places on the 2011 MD of EfS TV Ltd. and former Executive Producer, BBC TV. Leadership Development Programme and will begin “ ” addressing educational disadvantage in September. If you are interested in joining them, applications for the 2012 For more information please contact: Cambridge intake will open in early June. Dr David Hoyle of 0845 196 2087 School Art Join in, stand out, [email protected] Or visit: www.anglia.ac.uk/varsityfilm www.teachfirst.org.uk May Ball Editor: Alice Hancock [email protected] 13

joe pitt-rashid

CULTURE From our John’s Ball correspondent Varsity get an immediate run down of the hotly awaited 500th anniversary edition of John’s May Ball

22.06 A lot of walking to get to entrance and greeted with warm champagne. Strawberries good though – they give with one hand, take with the other.

22.20 Very tastefully done theme. Spacious, not feeling too packed. No faffy stuff. No coconut shies or any of that bullshit.

22.24 Alcohol extremely available and delicious. Food excellent and great variety. Drink more so.

22.37 Fireworks FANTASTIC. Not as long as Trinity’s but better. Music great: themes from Inception, Swan Lake. and Beethoven 9. Spectacularly on time. Enhanced by background of puny efforts from Downing and Queens’.

23.06 Truly Medley Deeply abso- lutely nailed it. Mainly reflected on how I have wasted the last three years not watching them.

23.14 Having a great time with all the alumni around. Feel like they endorse it. Civilized. Nice.

23.20 Cannot think of any criticisms. Minus warm champagne. having a ball 00.29 Quote from one over-excited ball goer: “An infinitely better event If you couldn’t get a ticket or didn’t get beyond the chocolate fountain and the than Trinity’s May Ball”. Going for main act. . chill out tent at last night’s ball, get the green eyed monster at the ready and find

01.17 Big Boi is, frankly, hilarious. No out what you missed as Varsity reviewers bring you the coverage of the all the May one knows what’s happening. There’s a lot of two-finger-gun-toting by con- Week revelry to date fused youths in black tie. Just seen girl who came top of NatSci tripos grind- but nourishment ranged from treacle amazing every year. It certainly lived up ing on polo club captain. pudding to hog roast to the already to last years stellar performance, per- St John’s: 500th anniversary mentioned delights of India. And the haps even edging to better it. The main 01.18 I can’t see people’s enthusiasm drink more than matched the quality of criticism is a basic one: with a budget for this lasting very long; it’s wasted on the solids. as large as it was rumoured to be, more them. Ball still great. e queued from the back of all over the walls. An entire bed planted A rave tent where new girl band Johns but were in so fast with fake daffodils and grass showed CB3 kicked off the evening and played 01.22 Surely as weird for him as it is Wthat any queue became that commitment to the theme spread perfectly to the excited mood with a lot Sensational fireworks for the crowd. Great opportunity to a distant memory; possibly thanks to well beyond the obvious into carefully of anticipation leading up to the main lap up the lovely food. He just called it being met with champagne and straw- considered detail; although what Word- headliner, Big Boi. Whilst he didn’t were certainly “St John’s University”. The answer to berries but also thanks to the splendour sworth would have made of the replica blow any minds or expectations he put his genius and knowing question “how of the sight that met us on entry. Taking of his beloved daffodils our delirious on a good enough show for already bigger and better many cool mother fuckers in the house the concept of the 500th anniversary to imaginations were too preoccupied to happy students. It was really Truly tonight?” is, as he no doubt suspects, heart, the ball was themed to the tune consider. Medley Deeply who played earlier in than last year and probably nine. Good bass. of famous Johnian alumni with each The fireworks, so often the talking the evening that got everyone going. A court representing a different one of point of the big balls, were sensational. huge accolade to get the main stage at almost definitely 01.24 Old OutKast numbers poorly those the committee had chosen. There Tuned up to Beethoven’s Ninth, Swan John’s and one they utterly deserved, rendered by him alone going well. was Wordsworth court (of course); Lake and hitting the finale to the Lion with crowd noisily voicing their appre- exploded all hyped up Lady Margaret Beaufort lending First King, they hardly failed to draw a tear ciation in the call for encores. 01.31 Are Big Boi’s themes univer- Court a medieval mood with brightly from even the stoniest of eyes. They Original entertainments were not expectations sal? Is St John’s College culturally coloured medieval shields and Man- were bigger and better than last year hard to find either. Caricature artists restrained? These questions being mohan Singh theming the main court and almost definitely exploded all added a nice touch and never before answered tonight. and giving the perfect excuse to put on hyped up expectations. have I seen a fully blown display of put into the necessary facilities would an array of Indian food more over the To keep the ravaging masses happy, horseback dressage at a ball; the four not have gone amiss. But with the focus 01.34 Actually they’re not. I refer to top than a Bollywood film. Wordsworth food abounded wherever the eye horses strutting their stuff in perfect very much on the college itself, there my earlier claim that no one knows Court deserves a special mention for a could see. Most popular perhaps, rhythm (not dissimilar but perhaps were more than 500 reasons why this what’s happening. particularly class act on the decor front the American style John’s burger bar more decorous than the behaviour of ball deserves to be remembered in years with a gasp-worthy display of lit up with milkshakes on the backs (they the revellers later in the night). to come. MAggIe BroWnIng 02.14 Lolz lines of his poetry in swirled calligraphy certainly knew their customer base) Yes, this was Johns and yes, it is May Ball Editor: alice hancock [email protected] 22nd June 2011 14 More from the high heels and low lifes of the Cambridge May Balls

Emmanuel: ‘The Planets’ Trinity: First and Third Boat Club Ball

ravelling to space for 116 Drinks and food were outstanding uite simply, what one would pounds – Emmanuel May Ball in their quality and variety: Freshly expect a May Ball to be. After Ttried to make it possible. After prepared pizza, doughnuts and crepes, One guest was only Qan inauspiciously rain-fi lled the obligatory queuing, guests were moules-frites, sushi made queuing part start to the night, the markedly im- welcomed into the Sun: sparkling of the May Ball experience. Instead able to utter the proved queuing system ensured that no wine and oysters were served in the of running out of food, though, the guests were deprived of the oysters and New Court. Overhead fairy lighting choices simply changed. immortal word, giddy excitement that marked the fi rst gave the court a celestial touch, but it From the perspective of a guest, few hours of the Ball. The fi reworks, clearly lacked the blazing heat of the organisation seemed smooth. How- “wowza” of course, were a highlight, with an bright star due to the chillier outside ever, for a worker who spent four hours inspired queuing system ensuring that temperatures. guarding a table of glasses of red wine every guest had an excellent view of The planets of our solar system and serving as a human doorstop, the the display. The (perhaps predictably were included in the design of the ball chosen) ‘O Fortuna’ movement from in more or less original ways: Mars Carmina Burana provided a suitable was in the Main Hall, where the CU grandiose backdrop to the display, Amateur Boxing Club gave a show- Despite the well- leaving one guest only able to utter fi ght. Venus was located in the Fellows’ the immortal word, “wowza”, in reply. Garden, where vodka and absinthe chosen theme, the The unlimited Champagne, served were served, and a shisha tent was set from a giant ice-fi lled punt at one end up to ‘lose yourself in Venus’ thick (maybe too?) spacious of Neville’s Court, was a postmodern atmosphere’. The Moon off ered a choice of vintage, and at no point casino and dancing classes, which was college grounds was the writer required to queue for converted into a hugely popular Silent his hourly fi x. Alas, however, not all Disco at 2am, to show both its ‘bright failed to convey the elements of the Ball could match the face’ and ‘the dark side’. seriousness of the Champagne. The Other planet-attraction-matches atmosphere of ‘outer noisy, queue-fi lled food tent felt more were less winning: Why play mini golf like a gentrifi ed Butlins than a sophis- and arcade games on Neptune? Saturn space’ ticated May Ball, and the delicatessen and swing boats? Comedy Shows in was so overrun with queues that the Halley’s Comet? Unfortunately, there- May Ball seemed massively over- writer was not even able to access fore, the theme was easy to be forgot- staff ed. The half-on-half-off -system the chorizo and Manchego on off er. ten in many parts of the ball – despite may be held responsible for this. Another personal lowlight was the the tasteful decorations, which were Emmanuel May Ball attempted to be- classical guitar playing of Joe Taylor in not entirely suffi cient to convert the come celestial, but in the end it fi rmly the OCR, not because of the playing large grounds of Emmanuel College remained on earth – being in the grips itself, but because of a Boris Johnson into something resembling outer space of a ‘traditional’ May Ball programme doppelganger who fell asleep during – an ambitious project to say the least. with only a few surprises and glimmers the concert, snoring so loudly that Nevertheless Emmanuel College of originality. Despite the well-chosen Taylor’s apoyando and vibrato playing presented a May Ball of high quality theme, the (maybe too?) spacious was barely audible. Queuing for the which was appreciated by the guests. college grounds failed to convey the toilets was as one would expect at a The main act, the French electro pop atmosphere of ‘outer space’. The heavily-populated May Ball with a band ‘Yelle’ gave a well-attended, solid outstanding quality of food, drinks necessarily fi nite number of loos. Yet one-hour-gig. Several talented DJs and entertainment showed that the all this is nitpicking. If one were to ask made the bar into something between Ball had a highly competent commit- a member of the public what a May a club and a lounge and a pub, as tee. If they had been more daring, they Ball ‘should’ be, their answer would only cider and ale was served. Six would have been able to create the surely approximate what the Trinity hours of comedy, including acts such atmosphere of truly being on another committee achieved last night. as magician Matt Le Mottée, Unex- planet. CalluM hOlMES WilliaMS pected Items (‘Gap Yah’) and Oxford anna gOlDEnBErg Imps were well received by the guests. Hughes Hall: ‘Around the World in Eighty Days’

f ever there was a ball to epitomise the best of Cambridge, it would be IHughes Hall’s ‘Around the World in 80 Days’. A fantastic night with fantastic people where the drinks were endless and the entertainment was spectacular. The home-grown talent of Hughes Hall alone was perhaps one of the most impressive aspects of the ball. Beginning with the Poulenc Sextet featuring Hughesian Adam Pow- ell and fi ve of Cambridge’s fi nest musicians from CUCO and CUJO, and followed by a band named The Maggie Wilemans which was made exclusively of Hughesians. Outsourced talent, band Moth Conspiracy and Cambridge Footlights put on great shows as well, and in retrospect at any given point there was a good live show rom Fagitos (Hughes’ local late-night I would have to say that the aggres- to be seen. kebab shop) was served with a smile sive rudeness of the Trinity May Ball Any seasoned Cambridge ball-goer by the owner alongside traditional ball Committee made ‘Head Honcho’ Amy would argue that the most important food and gin and tonics featured heav- Clifton and her committee outshine fundamental elements of a ball would ily throughout the ball, as did a variety most as being attentive and diligent in have to be alcohol, food and a silent of cocktails which could have kept you making sure everyone had an experi- disco. Hughes excelled in keeping trying something diff erent each drink. ence which exceeded satisfaction. everyone gazebo’d and well fed whilst Comparative reviews are quite A well deserved fi ve stars to Hughes FOR MORE BALL REVIEWS AND THE REST OF THE WEEK’S NEWS supplying them with two channels of worthless when you consider budget Hall whose ball, as always, proves that CHECK OUT www.varsity.co.uk silent discoing to boogie to. Catering restraints, but were I to compare the the college is truly made of Cam- Hughes ball to one such as Trinity bridge’s fi nest. COurTnEY WilKinSOn May Ball Editor: Alice Hancock 22nd June 2011 [email protected] 15

Clare: ‘Curioser and Curioser’ Downing: ‘Olympus’ tanding at the bank at dawn, champagne glass in hand and hen it comes to reviewing a Sthe sounds of the string quartet ball, there are the stan- echoing through from the Master’s Wdard things to talk about; Garden, we wondered whether the V- chocolate fountains, coconut shies, formation of ducks which sailed under champagne and cloisters. Down- the bridge were themselves cued by ing may have had the champagne Clare Ball’s Wildlife Co-Ordinator, so but what it lacked in fountains and smoothly had the night run thus far. In cloisters it made up for in divine toga fact, the weather seemed to be the only clad male models who could feed you thing against Clare last night; guests grapes on demand, fireworks to rival queued in the rain before the gates Johns (not an unfounded comparison, opened, and yet in keeping with the we could see theirs beyond ours) and ball’s Alice in Wonderland ‘Curiouser some fabulous music; not least The and Curiouser’ theme, heart-shaped Craig Charles Funk and Soul Club, quite simply the best thing I have ever danced to at a May Ball (a big claim I am fully aware). Darwin deez also had the crowd bopping away, and to Ms Dynamite and be honest, they were pretty easy on the eye too – almost competition for all Tinchy Stryder those models. The usual chill out tent was an Olympian godsend and films raised the roof with like Spartacus and Gladiator keeping the epic mood going for those not so what felt like the keen on dancing the night away. The drinks flowed like nectar, the was mortally created and will have to whole of Cambridge food was ambrosia to your average disappear tomorrow. undergrad and the gods, well, I guess What it lacked Chase and Status were an obvi- shouting ‘Miss we all felt like gods and goddesses. We ous crowd pleaser, and Gabby Young barely had to queue to satiate a single in fountains and and Other Animals provided us with Dynami-TEE-EE whim whether it was for candy floss, the gypsy swing us young Olympi- kebabs, truffles or the immense sweet cloisters it made up ans crave these days. Once we had shop that kept our sugar levels and boogied until our toes hurt there were lollies were handed out and we were our spirits on a high. If there is one for in divine toga ballet pumps available for the girls to distracted from the drizzle by the criticism to be made, and at risk of relieve high heel sores and a spa for all pack-of-cards-style entertainers who sounding spoilt, they played it pretty clad male models, to relieve any other areas needing ease. performed up and down the queue. safe with the cocktails. That really is Upbeat tunes from The Lady Gaga Once in, Clare kept to its tradition scraping the barrel though as there fireworks to rival Experience and Fat Poppa Daddy of mesmerising guests with its lighting is so little to say against the titanic drew everyone back onto the dance- and décor, and the theme was instantly efforts that had been made to put on a Johns and some floor and kept the feet working into the apparent from the spinning teacups spectacular May Week night. hours of the early morning. fairground ride, the stilt-walking If a college was ever designed for fabulous music Perhaps the Downing Ball com- Queen of Hearts and the White Rab- a ball, it has to have been Downing: mittee were simply lucky to have hit bit himself who would occasionally it almost seems as if William Wilkins The decor committee had truly used on a brilliant theme but whatever the scamper through Old Court for a well- had the whole concept in mind when Downing to its full potential with reason it was all in all it was a fantastic timed photo. he came up with the design. Ivy was every surface covered in some kind of ball and one that Aeneid would no started. Entertainment-wise, Clare was not draped over the colonnades and immortal opulence. It’s an unthink- doubt have loved to write about. lara prEnDErgaST to be outdone by its rival ball further candles glowed from all corners. able shame that in fact the whole thing Shame he died before the party really up the river: Fitz Swing played in tremendous force in the Great Hall on arrival, with old favourites Ellafunks, Fitz Barbershop, and of course the home grown Truly Medley Deeply Robinson: ‘Guardians of the Realm’ making their own very popular ap- pearances later in the night. Cross to the Main Stage and Ms Dynamite and he theme of Guardians of spa and salsa lessons kept everyone Tinchy Stryder raised the roof with the Realm suited Robinson entertained well into the earlier hours what felt like the whole of Cambridge Tperfectly, with the ever-present of the morning. shouting ‘Miss Dynami-TEE-EE’, red bricks working beautifully as a The live acts however were the real followed by a backlog of Tinchy hits to medieval castle. The horrendous rain draw. King Charles was perhaps one successfully r ecreate C indies’ p laylist. of the early evening threatened to of the more divisive acts of the night Escaping from the crush, we toured dampen everyone’s enthusiasm but be- -- the majority of the gathered crowd the ball norms (casino, comedy tent, ing England umbrellas were produced loving his eccentric performance style, silent disco, swing chairs) before choos- while others declared he looked like a ing from the array of foods on offer. stoned Jonny Depp. He also provided Here, Clare tackled the queue problem one of the more unintentionally hilari- by offering niche foods in tucked- King Charles was one ous moments of the evening, proving away areas alongside the more typical that although Cambridge students barbeques and Thai curries: cupcakes of the more divisive may like the idea of stage jumping with ‘eat me!’ signs stood in pyramids there is no guarantee they will actu- in the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party, whilst acts of the night... ally catch you. popcorn and fairground sweets lined Seann Walsh proved the perfect lead the path beyond the bridge. some declared he for the comedy stage excelling most Clare May Ball delivered on all when he strayed from his routine fronts, and yet both its highlight and looked like a stoned and improvised on the spot. The low point (the weather) were outside of only slight issue was his timetabling its control: for me the most memorable Jonny Depp which meant he overlapped with both moment was the Trinity fireworks Gentleman’s Dub Club and King which lit up the sky at midnight. How- Charles on the main stage forcing ever, clever ball planning (and fantasti- people to choose between the two acts. cally fortuitous timing on our part) and everything proceeded as normal, However, this was testament to the enabled guests to be punted down the albeit slightly damper and muddier. standard of all the acts, as there was river for a VIP glimpse of the light The dining option was fantastic and more to do throughout the whole ball show, leaving us with the feeling that a thoroughly enjoyable meal, but then there was time free. Truly Medley one ticket bought us the best of both for those going without there was a Deeply and Ellaphunks also packed balls. Clare promised us the fantastical surplus of other food and drink all out the main stage for the rest of the world of Alice’s wonderland; although of which lasted to the early morning evening. we may have found in hinterland with without queues or shortages. Overall it was a wonderful ball, well Trinity, there was wonder enough The sheer volume of entertainment on planned by the committee and thor- onshore to keep us delighted and offer was impressive, and the dodgems, oughly enjoyed by all the guests. enthralled.KaTE parKEr laser quest, silent disco, pampering aliCE uDalE-SMiTh Fashion Editor: Louise Benson [email protected] 16 Don’t Make Plans

Antonia and Maddie spend Suicide Sunday in summer prints, faded denim and button-up shirts. Photographed in and around Mill Road. Clockwise from top: Black shirt and shorts VINTAGE; White shirt AMERICAN APPAREL; Shorts KATHARINE HAMNETT. T-shirt CALVIN KLEIN; Patchwork skirt AWESOME LONDON; White socks MARKS AND SPENCER; Shoes DR MARTENS; Shirt, HENRI LLOYD; Skirt AGNES B; Black socks MARKS AND SPENCER; Sandals VINTAGE. Shirt HENRI LLOYD; Skirt ARIZONA JEANS; Shirt VINTAGE; Skirt TOPSHOP; Shoes and socks as before. T-shirt and skirt VINTAGE; Vest GITANO; Skirt RELDAN. Fashion Editor: Louise Benson [email protected] 17 Don’t Make Plans

Clockwise from top right: T-shirt GUESS; Jeans MOSCHINO. Shirt, AMERICAN APPAREL; Dress COS. Black vest, UNITED COLOURS OF BENNETON; White vest (worn underneath) COS; Skirt AGNES B. Dress, VIVIENNE WESTWOOD. Blouse AMERICAN APPAREL; Suede trousers COS.Dress COS. Photographed and Styled by Louise Benson Senior Culture Editor: Zoe Large 22nd June 2011 [email protected] 18 Dancing into Chaos Beyond the dress code, Cambridge May Balls bear little resemblance to the formal dances of antiquity. Suzanne Burlton asks if we truly need to dance on tradition’s grave to have a good time

e all know that John’s May Ball that you had an amazing time. celebrate in style. Wis the seventh best party in the Hunt balls (given by country sports To go to a stately event is to, in some world. The reason that I bring it up yet societies) embody the same spirit of ways, live a dream for a night. White Real World, Real Balls? again is not to argue about the state- joyous destruction, but are much more tie and champagne may not be who The most exclusive events outside the bubble... ment itself, but to draw attention to the communal a airs. Food fi ghts and you are ordinarily, but who wants to be indistinction between ‘ball’ and ‘party’. smashed crockery are the norm, and one person all the time? People often Although we call them balls, some- they usually end with a disco, so all the have extravagant weddings because ev- Truman Capote’s Black and White Duchess of Richmond’s Ball times our May Week extravaganzas girls can hitch up their hyper-expensive ery girl wants to be a princess for a day. Ball bear more resemblance to a festival, gowns and rave. In this way they are Why not go to a ball and be a royal or To celebrate his success, Truman Ca- The night before the battle of Qua- with music tents, industrial quantities comparable with our own perverted celebrity for a night, dancing into the pote decided to throw an extravagant tre Bras, the Duchess of Richmond of food and drink and no organised take on the ‘ball’. There is no sophisti- wee hours and being whirled around masked ball – but for only ve hundred held a ball in Brussels at which entertainment. cated music for everyone to listen to, no the fl oor by queues of handsome young people. There were many who were was seen almost all of Wellington’s Compare the Vienna Opera Ball, dances that you have to learn before- men? Organisers think that they have left out, and on the night this led to generals. They had such curios as one of the most famous and most hand and no social rules that one must to appeal to everyone all the time. It is some ugly comments made by all par- highland dancers, and everyone was elegant in the world. To be admitted, follow. It’s just a party in posh clothes. surely better to corner a market by cre- ties. “What a catastrophe!” remarked in good spirits. However, during you must dance the Viennese Waltz But what has driven society away ating a truly magical evening, in which one onlooker. Anyone not famous was the sumptuous affair, the French perfectly and be dressed impeccably. from the classic balls and into the entire- one can live as we imagine aristocrats ignored and derided by the media crossed the border and Wellington You have to audition to be a debutante ly commonplace ‘party’? Perhaps it is a once lived, than to spend yet another swarm which assembled outside the was informed. He went into a side- and the sartorial codes are exacting. case of appealing to the lowest common event just getting wasted. venue, leading to cattiness within the room and, frowning, remarked that May Balls are far more lax, with knee- denominator. Those with less refi ned Balls, in their true and traditional ranks of the assembled guests as they he supposed that he would have to length dresses being accepted at white tastes will be put o if they think they sense, are not elitist. Not Cambridge vied to be the most revered. It was ght Bonaparte at Waterloo instead. tie balls. Imagine! have to learn how to foxtrot, but anyone ones, anyway, because everyone has a lmed, which meant that the uninvited Some of cers left to prepare for Anyone who has read Jane Austen can turn up and drink cheap vodka chance to buy a ticket. Classes could could see exactly who was there – battle, but some elected to remain will know that a real ball is where you cocktails – it doesn’t take any special be held for the dances and an etiquette and there were multiple gatecrashers and stayed so long that they did not go to see and be seen. Scoping out knowledge or e ort. Should we really guide sent out with the tickets. Lack including one young woman who “just time to change and had to ght the potential dance partners is the high- abandon traditional balls just because of knowledge need not be a barrier if wanted to see what it was like”. next day in evening clothes. light of the evening, and is much more they demand more organisation? people are eager to learn. formal and ritualised than a quick snog The corruption is very recent – even Bring back proper balls, then. Let behind the hamburger van. Balls used in 1966, Truman Capote had his us have our night of refi ned deca- to be organised occasions that one at- famous Masquerade Ball – but it is not dence. Let us pretend to be some- tended with a particular social purpose, universal, as the grand balls of the Ven- one else for a night, someone more or at the very least out of obligation ice Carnevale prove. Nevertheless it is glamorous and more exciting. Let us to the host. Here, Hedonism is the rare to fi nd balls hosted by anyone other behave ‘properly’ and have fun doing only agenda. The aim is to get totally than the rich and famous - the rich are it. For tomorrow we die, or at least get trashed, left only with a vague sense discreet, because they still know how to our exam results.

Paris Hunt Ball Met Ball

Hunt balls are famously rowdy. But Anyone who knows anything about one hunt, who shall remain name- modern balls will know that this less, took it too far when they were is the place to go. With invitations banned from their proposed venue. issued by Anna Wintour herself, the They tried to nd another in the Met Ball is all about what you wear. local area, but word had spread and Some creations, like Christina Ricci’s they were soon refused from every cobweb number from this year’s ball, possible space in the county. Look- invite such harsh criticism as “Why ing further a eld, they found that did she even leave the house?” and nowhere in England would have them! every magazine worth its salt will be Huntsmen need their balls, however, running a big feature on the best and and they resolved to go to the near- worst dressed. Walking the red car- est place that hadn’t heard of them pet is like strolling faux-nonchalantly – Paris. The evening was a success, through a piranha-infested stream, although I understand that they only with the journalists ready to rip you had to migrate so far once. to shreds. 22nd June 2011 Senior Culture Editor Zoe Large [email protected] 19 The Pursuit of ‘Laddism’ Robert Mindell

As I gaze despairingly out of my window a further hoard of blazer clad ‘lads’, Monarchic-Laddism: their shirts adorned with an enticing mix of vomit, red-cherry VKs and in- comprehensible uorescent slogans, their necks festooned with ties depicting A way of organising and governing primitive lad societies. Monarchic- the vile and atavistic cults to which they belong, it across and pollute what And  nally, there would otherwise be an idyllic cloistered vista on a Sunday afternoon. As the Laddists can be identifi ed by their sun sets on yet another bastard pilgrimage to ‘laddism’ (Suicide Sunday) I am unyielding subservience to, and is a schism running consumed by pity, revulsion, and loathing, but also the longing for understand- adoration for, he who is crowned through lad-studies ing. For too long conceptualisations and explanations of ‘lad’ and ‘King of the Lads’. Most Cambridge at present: the debate over when societies are governed by a liberal- its attendant means of expression ‘laddism’, have suffered laddism attained hegemony as a from a peculiar narrowness of focus. In this piece I seek to lad compromise, where succession problematise monolithic conceptualisations of these to Kingship is neither hereditary nor socio-political phenomenon. terms by highlighting the myriad and oft-neglected democratic, but decided by a council lad-paradigms that fall under the umbrella term of of ‘lad-elders’ based loosely upon the ‘laddism’. three main schools are as follows: subjective criteria relating to whom is considered to be the ‘biggest lad’. Classical Laddism: Modernists:

Adapting the defi nition proposed by the Longman Dictionary of Post-Laddism: Modernists, whom themselves are often Contemporary English, this constitutes the laymen’s understand- anti-lads, maintain that laddism is an ing of the ‘attitudes and behaviour of some young men in Britain, A nascent paradigm that would benefi t invented construct, a necessary corol- who drink a lot of alcohol, and are mainly interested in sport, sex, from some research and PHD theses. lary of ‘modernism’. For modernists, and music’. Proponents of this school are characterised by their Broadly construed: Post-Laddists do not Laddism created lads, and neither has excessive use of ‘banter’, their penchant for a ‘donna’, often prid- necessarily reject the fruits of Laddism, any precedent before the French Revo- ing themselves on their ability to imbibe copious volumes of poor but reject the meta-narrative implied lution of 1789. They explain the grow- vintage wine and other forms of ‘lad-juice’. Social ties between self- by Classical Laddism maintaining that ing strength of contemporary laddism fashioned lads are cultivated through an oral tradition which recounts lad realities and aims are fl uid social as a consequence of the exponential misogynistic and at times homo-erotic sexual escapades or sport- constructs subject to changes in time, growth of the public sphere brought on ing ‘triumphs’. Peculiar to Cambridge, classical lads form primitive geography, and power structures. by the rise of social networking. ‘societies’ which to the outsider may appear to serve no other purpose than constituting a public sphere in which to indulge primitive and de- State-Laddism: Primordialaddists: basing urges. However, for ‘lads’ these imagined communities provide a ready-made fraternal network (important for the otherwise socially Where Laddism is co-opted by the Primordialaddists, maintain that lad- challenged) that brings them into contact with females, enabling them state. For an example of the successful dism is an essential part of human to maintain the fantasy that they are socially successful ‘massive lads’. way in which Laddism has been used nature and existence. Most Primordi- as a tool to renovate the image of a aladdists are themselves lads, believ- Neo-Laddism: political leader, see Silvio Berlusconi ing that laddism is an inevitable and (Conversely Bill Clinton’s attempts were natural expression of society that has Neo-Laddism is not so much a cohesive ideology as it is a particular less successful). been present throughout history. For way of looking upon the lad universe. Neo-Lads embrace much of the Primodialaddists, examples of laddism social trappings of lad culture, enjoying its attendant hedonism with Free-Market Laddism: can be discerned far detached from our regard to women, alcohol, and sporting success, yet eschewing the own modernity. Some theorists have most debasing and archaic features associated with Classical Laddism. Free-Market Laddism, most usu- highlighted ‘biblical laddism’ in the Whilst Classical Lads lack the social confi dence to attend a nightclub ally evinced in Classical Laddism, is a guise of David versus Goliath, Daniel without a fancy-dress costume (e.g. Chicken outfi ts, morph-suits, neon phenomenon of competition (normally in the Lion’s Den, and even Moses. Spandex) Neo-Lads feel comfortable enough to simply ‘wear a nice physical) between Lads, making use Others have highlighted Plato as the shirt’. Whilst a Classical Lad will feel the need to draw attention to his of a common currency (usually ‘lad archetype of the modern lad. ability to funnel a particularly ‘manly’ spirit like VK, Neo-Lads will points’) to reward success in the lad observe this tortured spectacle from the comfort of a bar-stool marketplace. Ethno-Symboladdists: usually clasping a glass of whisky or any alternate drink which can be consumed purely for its own enjoyment. Neo-Colonial Laddism: Ethno-Symboladdists have sought to breach the divide between the two com- Anti-Laddism: This virulent strand of laddism often peting schools mentioned above. They contains a xenophobic thread. In Cam- stress that whilst laddism is a modern Anti-Lads are a broad church defi ned by the forces against which bridge Neo-Colonial Lads arrive spo- phenomena with no real precedent they rally. They vehemently reject all things associated with Ladd- radically as aliens (usually from more prior to 1789, that modern laddists ma- ism, including its ideological tenants and socio-cultural expressions. ‘laddish’ yet less prestigious universities nipulated and deployed a pre-existent Anti-Lads take a principled stand against lad societies, swaps, binge like Nottingham, Leeds or Manchester) nexus of lad symbols with a history drinking and fancy-dress. Anti-Lad unions have since 1996 been at the to occupy, exploit and undermine stretching back into antiquity. forefront of the boycott movement against the venerable institutions of indigenous lad culture, through their lad culture, the Mahal, Revs, Cindie’s. On Suicide Sunday, Anti-Lads display of superior drinking, sporting have been known to vacate Cambridge altogether, seeking asylum and chaos raising abilities. Whilst most So next Suicide Sunday, when you in far o lad-free lands like Madingley and Grantchester. In its most logical observers remain unimpressed tiptoe through cobbled streets extreme manifestations, Anti-Laddism can involve subverting the lad by their primordial binges which are running with urine and vomit, status quo via ‘Terrorladdism’. Terrorladdists often act in small cells. facilitated by lack of a weekly essay, past inebriated and unconscious Their actions include attempting to publicly humiliate indigenous lads seem overawed by their young men, you can now direct lads on CUTV, stealing lad paraphernalia such as ties, displays, willingly subjugating them- your pejorative epithets with a hats, and bugles, and informing porters or policeman selves so as to act as conduits to the little more accuracy of lad misdemeanours. exploitation of Cambridge restaurants, bars and clubs by the less intelligent but ...... THEN ON TO LIFE! more laddish lads. Senior CultureEditor: Zoe Large 22nd June 2011 [email protected] 20 THE The Darling Bud of Mays With the annual anthology of Oxbridge student writing being launched on MAYS XIX Thursday, Philip Maughan delves into its history and explains how this year’s Mays has been pulled into the present GUEST EDITED BY:

or those who don’t know, selections and introductory prefaces been smash hits. Finally, Jarvis is, well, from ‘celebrity’ guest editors. This he’s Jarvis Cocker. Frontman to Pulp, POETRY The Mays is an anthology of short stories, poetry and impressive list ranges from Cambridge 6Music DJ, poet, artist, and the one regulars Stephen Fry, J.H. Prynne and man who stood up to Michael Jackson’s jarvis cocker is a musician, actor, radio DJ, visual arts from students at documentary film maker and poet. He also played Cambridge and Oxford, Zadie Smith (whose career took o historic ego and lived to tell the tale. Petey in Wes Anderson’s Fantastic Mr Fox. publishedF annually in May Week. Or after being published in The Mays), Our editors were chosen to send a mes- as they ludicrously call it in Oxford, to fi gures from further afi eld, such sage: The Mays is about youth, about June. as punk-poet Patti Smith, novelist creativity, and about making something The Mays was fi rst devised by Peter Philip Pullman and the august Seamus colourful and new. PROSE Ho Davies, Adrian Woolfson and Heaney. This year we tried our hardest to Rob Dimant, who decided that since From getting the job last Michael- bring The Mays, much like Varsity, richard milward is the author of two Granta had become massive sell-outs mas, my co-editor and I intended to kicking and screaming into the present. novels, Apples (2007) and Ten Story Love Song and upped sticks, Cambridge needed keep the anthology as open and acces- We held a poetry competition on twit- (2009), both of which were published by Faber sible as possible. We had no interest ter, a short fi lm competition using mo- and Faber. a new platform for its best student writers. To bridge the gap between in hyper-modernist psycho-babble bile phones, set up a blog and designed angst-ridden limericks about girls on coterie publication, nor had we time everything electronically, without so bikes and the world of professional for Romantic ballads on the beauty much as a whi of led or paint. But the VISUAL ARTS authorship, they envisioned a care- of Jesus green. We wanted The Mays digital world is unpredictable and we’re fully selected, well-designed, properly to be a platform for the diverse stories only really teething online, so this May paul smith is best known as the voice of New- circulating through the international, Week, we return to the world of physi- castle band Maximo Park.But more than this, he printed book that would grab the at- was once an art teacher and released his first book tention of the reading public and give multi-talented undergraduate and post- cal matter with 150 pages of beautifully of photography ‘Thinking in Pictures’ last year, young writers a leg-up. graduate population. Thankfully, that’s bound stories, poems and artwork from alongside his debut solo album, Margins. For the last nineteen years, its edi- exactly what we got. the best writers, selected 100% anony- tors have torn their hair out trying We had around 800 individual mously for your delectation. to keep this dream alive, but more submissions, which we numbered and Join us for a tipple and to listen to recently, The Mays has really come set before our editorial committees and readings by our authors this Thurs- into its own. Design has become hard-won guest editors: Jarvis Cocker, day, 5pm, in Sidney Sussex Gardens. THE ANTHOLOGY OF NEW STUDENT WRITING an increasingly central part of the Paul Smith and Richard Milward. Otherwise, fi nd us online at: http:// anthology, spurred on by the addition Just in case you don’t know who they varsity.mays.co.uk and if you’re still FROM OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE in 2008 of a visual arts section, and are, Paul Smith sings for indie-pop here next year, be sure to get involved as of last year, a visual arts guest edi- superstars Maxïmo Park, but was once in the twentieth birthday edition of tor. What’s more, the anthology has an art teacher and has published a Cambridge’s best and longest running OUT EIGTH WEEK 2011 become bigger, sleeker and has been book of photography himself. Richard student anthology. Milward is a much-loved Faber author For launch party and further info: http://mays.varsity.co.uk making waves in all sorts of unlikely places. whose novels Apples (2007) and Ten PHILIP MAUGHAN IS EDITOR OF THE Each year student editors hunt out Story Love Song (2009) have both MAYS 2011 Under Cam’s Bridge From seductive ankles to dubious tours, punters have always found ingenious methods of lling their boats. Anna Souter re ects on the continuing attraction of Cambridge’s most quintessential experience unting. The very word brings looking quickly to a colleague for confi r- Oxonian counterparts, who punt IMAGE BY PETER SEJERSEN VIA FLICKR/CREATIVE COMMONS to mind images of summer mation. ‘Newton has his own reputation, from within the safety of the bow. It evenings, blazers, Pimms and we don’t really need to embellish it’: they is rumoured that this variation was strawberries; the quintessence seem worried about ‘revealing trade initiated by the women of Girton of Cambridge. The reality is secrets to the press’. College, in an attempt to show o oftenP somewhat less dignifi ed than this Surely, though, there must be a few their shapely ankles. idyllic picture suggests. Venturing onto stock lines? ‘A lot of guys do use the Cambridge punters are, admittedly, the Cam often involves swerving into at a higher risk of falling in, but the the banks, getting splashed by a passing danger is counteracted by the fact paddle and narrowly avoiding boatloads There is something that it is much easier to punt on the of tourists. Cam than the Cherwell; the water is Nevertheless, there is something won- wonderful about shallower and there are fewer trees derful about engaging in an activity so to negotiate. Until recently, river- ostentatiously pointless. When the exam engaging in goers in Oxford would have made pressure has disappeared, and you fi nd their way past ‘Parson’s Pleasure’, a yourself in the rare position of having an activity so favourite nude sunbathing spot for nothing to do in Cambridge, what better Oxford dons. The view along the to do than precisely that – nothing? ostentatiously Backs, on the other hand, provides For some, however, punting is a job; I some of the most beautiful scenery headed down to King’s Parade to get the pointless for any ++journey in England, and punters side of the story. the punter gets a view of the col- We’ve all heard guides telling some Harry Potter one,’ he concedes, ‘but per- leges which the pedestrian tourist is outrageous lies to tourists. Gullible sonally I don’t think it’s that much of a deprived of. sightseers are often fed the line that selling point. It’s also amazing,’ he adds, This May Week, then, take to the the so-called Mathematical Bridge in ‘how many tourists get out of the punt river as part of the perfect hangover Queens was built by Sir Isaac Newton, at the end, and ask “so, which one was cure; revel in the pure laziness that without any nuts and bolts; the ones you Cambridge University?” I think some- the Cam and its sliding refl ections see today were purportedly added by thing gets lost in translation.’ evoke. Spare a thought for the profes- students who dismantled the bridge and Punts were originally used in the sional punters, and maybe take a few were unable to reassemble it without Middle Ages to navigate shallow waters. tips from them. But don’t worry too them. In reality, however, Newton died The Edwardians, however, turned the much when your punt ends up pole- 22 years before the bridge was built. boats into pleasure crafts, bedecking less and drifting in the middle of the The guides themselves, as I discov- them with cushions, parasols and cham- river; as one guide told me, ‘you’ve ered, aren’t particularly keen to admit pagne. Soon after punting became an been working hard, you’re allowed to that they twist the truth occasionally. ‘We Oxbridge standard, Cambridge students have some fun!’ like to stick to the facts’, said one, ‘the made the practice their own, standing on bridge was built by Etheridge, wasn’t it?’ the raised deck of the boat, unlike their 22nd June 2011 Senior Culture Editor: Zoe Large [email protected] 21 Stay-cate this Summer Whether it is the carbon cost of air travel, a fear of foreign languages, or a nagging uncertainty as to the whereabouts of your passport, there are great reasons to holiday in the UK this summer. Anna Sheinman shares her top three destinations Forget all that hassle over balloting to suit all budgets: before we can even remember what summer is in January, now Wimbledon can be watched in 3D from the comfort of your home sofa

Back to Nature in Snowdonia End of term may mean it’s time for May Week but beyond that something National Park fundamentally Price: £ important: goodbye hall food, hello home cooking After a busy term and an expensive May Week, you can be forgiven for wanting to keep things simple. The tiny village of Dinas Safely away from the library, revision Mawddwy in Snowdonia National Park is your chance to do just notes and supervisions (supervisions? that. One of the many supposed sites of King Arthur’s death, there what are they?) long forgotten, is now a post office, The Red Lion pub, and as many rolling Welsh now there is simply no excuse not to indulge in the need for trashy hills as you could want. literature and delve into our long Cheap, no frills campsites abound. Once pitched, less awaited Jilly Cooper collections and all experienced walkers can try routes from the excellent Snowdonia those back issues of Nuts/Heat National Park website, but for the more adventurous there are Party People in Newcastle (delete as appropriate) plenty of Hewitts (mountains over 2,000 feet) to bag in the area. Price: ££ Aran Fawddwy, meaning ‘place of the spreading waters’ is Wales’s Slavoj Zizek may 2nd highest mountain, and the expansive, craggy views from the If drinking and dancing is more your thing, Newcastle is cheaper than have been dubbed summit are particularly satisfying, as is the regaining of mobile London and more navigable than Leeds or Manchester, but still has “the world’s hippest phone signal half way up. plenty to keep you and your friends busy for a few days partying. philosopher” but Vg/Vb There are no shops, so bring food, but basics can be sourced The seriously central new Eurohostel is getting rave reviews, but is undecided as to what his from the local garage, and The Red Lion does decent pub meals only ten minutes’ walk away The Cumberland Arms (does £60 a night newly struck up friendship and an excellent pint. To mix it up a bit, hit the road. To the north doubles, breakfast til 1pm, and the pub serves fish-finger sandwiches. with Lady Gaga will do is Bala Lake and watersports to the west is Barmouth and the The Ouseburn Valley is packed with pubs that do a great pint, try The for his street cred in any circles. At least someone can explain Welsh seaside, and back on the border Powis Castle makes a Cluny or The Tyne Bar More upmarket, Alvino’s is sophisticated buther not costume though. The meat dress? rewarding final hill to climb before heading home. pretentious, and has continental beers and lovely roof terrace. “It shows the consistent linking in Once sozzled, on weekends downstairs at The Head of the oppressive imaginary of the Steam Pub is free entry, has great DJs and a packed dance patriarchy of the female body and floor. World Headquarters is the last word on alternative meat, of animality and the music, if there is a big dubstep act in town that is where they feminine.” Oh yeah, now we will be. get it. Heaton’s cafés sooth any hangover, I suggest paninis at La Fiesta, which does the best coffee in town, or pots of tea and board games at Heaton Not only are we having to brave ball Perk. For the perkier, The Baltic Museum and the newly refurbished queues in the rain, Tyneside Cinema will not disappoint. Pick up The Crack for monthly not getting there listings. early enough means a hundred Trinny and Susannah’s are judging the clothes on the long (cat)walk to the end of the queue

All this severe grooming is damaging our health. The US government claims hair straighteners and nail polish contain Love Nest on the Suffolk Coast potentially cancer causing Price: £££ chemicals. Embrace the frizz. The Amy Winehouse If there’s a little more cash to splash, and someone special to spend it with, calamity show is back on the Suffolk Coast is where English charm goes upper-middle class. South- the road. One shambolic wold, otherwise known as Hampstead-on-Sea, is famed for its candy striped ‘comeback’ and a beach huts, and the surrounding countryside is peppered with luxury B&Bs cancelled tour later, like the oak-beamed Stables at Henham Park, and cottages to rent (try Acan- don’t you think thus) or Suffolk Cottage Holidays. it might be time to step out of the After a bracing walk on Southwold beach (head south to Walberswick to spot spotlight? celebrities like Richard Curtis and Jill Freud) seafood consumption is impera- tive. Home smoked salmon at the multi award winning Butley Orford Oyster- age is sublime, as is the fish and chips by Halesworth library. Pop opposite to Gladrags Vintage and try on 20s fur coats and 30s trilbies whilst digesting. An afternoon tour of the Adnams brewery is the perfect excuse to pick up a bottle of Southwold Bitter. For the culturally inclined, the August Snape Proms are world class and The Southwold Theatre is surprisingly professional, or you can snuggle up to a classic movie in the restored 1912 Electric Picture Palace in Southwold. Senior Culture Editor: Zoe Large 22nd June 2011 [email protected] 22 Window to the past Take a lazy stroll through the Varsity archives. Below are articles from May Week issues from the past 60 years.

1989-90. Letter referring to the end of the cold war.

1951-52 1970-71

1954-55

On the Position of Women in Cambridge.

Advert in Varsity from the 50s 1963-64 22nd June 2011 Senior Culture Editor: Zoe Large [email protected] 23 Cambridge May Week for beginners Confessions Cambridge confessions (cambridgeconfessions.co.uk) has Varsity’s quick guide to making the most of what’s left been collecting confessions from cambridge students. They’ve amassed over 1,200 confessions so far with topics ranging from topics sex and relationships to exams and faith. May Week Quick Fixes:

The Hangover By this point in your life, you’ve most likely had a hangover so bad you tried anything to shift it. Whether it’s swallowing a tube of Berrocca tablets or just standing near even groggier friends, we all ‘May Week have our favourites. Whilst these may work in the aftermath of two without a Time- bottles of college wine, the cham- pagne- and gin-induced Beast of Turner’ May Week warrants a more exotic remedy. For a post-Ball breakfast ANDREW TINDALL be adventurous: fry two eggs and serve in a tortilla with salsa, cubed avocado, a squeeze of lime and a ay Week comes but streak of intense red chilli. Wash once a year and, down with a Bloody Mary. much like the festive season, tends to focus Silent Disco Etiquette around a few key There are two things that are dates:M Christmas day, New Year’s Eve act or unashamedly nodding o whilst to enjoy myself. Yes it’s unjustifi ably certain of the next seven days: you and your College Ball. Whilst there may chatting with the Head of Department- expensive, but it is unlikely that, after will consistently wake up after only be seven days of May Week, and rather than collapsing into a coma noon and you will attend at least probably more than nine ladies danc- during the headline act of your choice. one silent disco. The rules of the ing, this gives us even more reason to silent disco are simple. There are squeeze every drop of enjoyment out of After the cost of graduation, college two channels to pick from and at the shamefully short period of unbridled bills, fi nes and garden party tickets, the any given time one is always full of hedonism. With the last two years of payments for my naturally stellar per- quality, well selected music from an paying, crashing, working, performing formances will probably not stretch to eclectic mix of genres. You should and organising events throughout May sustenance. A healthy body is a happy ignore this. The other channel is body that doesn’t lose deposit cheques predominantly lled with cheesy after crashing out an hour before a 5am 90s pop songs and tired club set. Fortunately, May Ball food is always bangers. This is the soundtrack of plentiful and excellent, if a touch repeti- your night. I nd that a shortage tive. Decadent luxury is unfortunately of headphones doesn’t hinder The solution is rich in fats, sugar and protein (a.k.a. my enjoyment of B*Witched-the ‘the good stu ’) and defi cient in vital atonal, asynchronous choir of micro-sleeping... nutrients (the actually good stu ). Hunt- drunks around you may heighten ing out fruits and vegetables that haven’t the experience. Just remember, if rather than been fried and/or coated in chocolate I graduate, I will ever experience the and when ‘Mr Brightside’ comes on becomes increasingly frustrating as the grandeur of a College May Ball again. BOTH channels, it is time to leave. collapsing into a week wears on. If it weren’t for the gallon It is even less likely that I will do so of apple sauce I consumed along with surrounded by the friends I’ve toiled Emergency Cuf inks coma during the the ubiquitous hog roast last year, I swear alongside in the faculties, libraries and May Week is a tough time to be a I would have gotten scurvy. I also doubt cuf ink. If you’re not being ddled headline act of that I can count the strawberries fl oat- with by drunken sausage ngers ing in my afternoon Pimm’s as one of you’re lying in the grass, slowly your choice my Five a Day. Stocking up on vitamin being trampled into the  oor of tablets is highly recommended. On the If it wasn’t for the the silent disco or jamming the plus side, after June 25th I will never inner workings of a chocolate gallon of apple fountain. Your former owner is Week under my belt, I’d like to think I’ve left with a handful of last minute earned the right to my grossly unsea- sauce I consumed options: sewing together two but- sonal analogies. Last year I was lucky tons with a long loop of thread enough to perform with my band at fi ve along with the between them is handy for the balls, not counting a sunny afternoon in prepared, although it may look Sidney Sussex with those lovely chaps ubiquitous hog like you committed the ultimate from the Union. Then there was the faux pas and bought a shirt where exercise in sleep deprivation and heavy roast last year, I the fastenings came somehow lifting that only a committee position on pre-attached. A well selected pair the King’s A air can provide. The expe- swear I would have of cuf inks has a certain je ne sais rience was a gruelling ordeal and one quoi, while paper clips or tinfoil that, I swore, I could never repeat. got scurvy embody je m’en fous. This year I’m going to 11.

Packing If I’m going to power through until June Picture the scene: it’s 7am, you’re 25th, the ‘Anti-Christmas’, I’ll need to want to see another glass of champagne examination halls that have been my decked in the fanciest garb and up my game. The party-all-night-sleep- again. It is vital at this point not to think home for the last eight weeks. There drunk as a lord. Your pater is arriv- all-day attitude that has tided me over of how many VKs the price of admission may even come a time when I have to ing in an hour to collect you and the last two years is not going to cut it could have bought, and whether there’d actually get a job or admit defeat with a expects your belongings neatly this time. Many of my friends have not be enough change left over to send me to postgraduate degree, but between where boxed rather than spread around cracked my golden performing formula sleep under a mountain of cheesy chips. I stand and this grim future lies a week the room. That thing they do in of playing bass, the easiest instrument, where the champagne will fl ow as freely movies where a friend sits on your with far more talented musicians. Their Above all I must remember to actually as the verse from the actor’s lips; where suitcase until it closes won’t really relatively normal sleep patterns will enjoy May Week. I remember a friend music, dancing and messing about on work with your collection of ‘liber- leave them free to enjoy days fi lled with of mine complaining at a Ball that the river will erode all memory of sleep ated’ pint glasses. If all else fails put punting, plays and garden parties which, there was “nothing to do here except and overdraft limits. If I was going to let on every item of clothing you own being a jealous creature, I will no doubt eat, drink and be entertained”. Even if my bank balance and general wellbeing and wear it through the ride home. attempt to emulate. The solution lies she gets her wish and John’s includes stand between me and the Brideshead in micro sleep- catching some precious a Chamber of Despair where we can dream, I would’ve never applied here in Zs in the shisha tent, dozing during the contemplate the futility of existence, the fi rst place. The real world can wait, particularly boring bits of the second I don’t think I’m going to struggle even if it is just for one more week. Senior Culture Editor: Zoe Large 22nd June 2011 [email protected] 24 The Bucket Jonny Walker explains why leaving Cambridge is a bit like dying...

In graduation, as in the shedding of our mortal coil, all the skills and knowledge, experiences and memories we’ve collected melt into air and nothingness reigns. In death, we enter a new world. For the faithful, this may have you meeting your maker at the pearly gates or tumbling towards the angry broth of the Styx. For wilful infi dels, we may encounter nothing but the lack of life, as our heads decom- pose. These three feelings – the bounteous rewards a orded to those who lived a good life, the regretful laments of the condemned and the resigned acceptance that our best days have come to an end – each refl ect the feeling of being a soon- List to-be-graduate. If our university has had its way with us and moulded us in its image, as it has done for eight centuries, those leaving this summer should be completely and utterly ill-equipped for normal life. I entered Cambridge with dreamy socialist op- timism and a burning heart for equality; I will leave Cambridge feeling physically sick when I interact with people who haven’t attended Russell Group universities. There’s a storm gathering; the clouds are dark, the winds are strong and I am afraid. On the 2nd of July, as I pick up my fur-hooded death suit from Ryder and Amies, I will be steeling myself for the end. I should have known it would be a grim day when we were told the ceremony culminates with you “kneeling and kissing the ring of your Master”. This leaves us with so little time to complete the things we wanted to do, it leaves so many aspirations unfulfi lled and many pangs unsatisfi ed. We’d better hop to it, class of 2011, if we wish to leave knowing we’ve got the most out of it. Here is a short bucket list to keep you going.

Access o cers across the University work tirelessly to hide evidence of elit- ism, in order to deceive normal people into coming here. Let’s be realistic, in a Cambridge college, you will fi nd far more of the recognisable horsefaces of the well-moneyed class than you would expect in the general popula- tion. On some level, we all benefi t from the synonymy between elitism and Oxbridge. The national press may well publish photographs of some of you at 1 Wyverns vomiting on each other this week, but know that for all the stigma- tising, they love all of you rich pissed-up MARTHA RAWLINSON Self-label as a reprobates and will probably end up delinquent, employing you. Privilege is not self- perpetuating and CUCA, despite their because you’ve never best e orts, cannot be expected to bear the burden of reproducing our worst seen one stereotypes on their own. We all have a duty to act up and confi rm the negative stereotypes which alienate society from us and ultimately add to the status of our degrees.

There are certain activities that can only be done in Cambridge. Night- climbing, for example, is a cultural act which symbolises the cheeky-spirited Having sex with a boy who didn’t at- transgressions of the preternaturally tend Charterhouse does not make you childlike undergraduate. Climbing on a ‘slag’ and the fact that you have been historic buildings has a di erent name Become2 one of the defl owered is not, in itself, indicative of elsewhere in Britain – it is called ‘tres- sexual liberalism. Only in Cambridge is pass with intent to commit terrorism’. cool people the division between virgins and ‘slags’ There are plenty of odd things you Put your3 sexual a factor of one. In the big wide world, If Fresher’s Week was not enough of an must do before you leave, or else their opportunity for reinvention, the three behaviour in people who are as sexually loose as you meaning is lost. So get on a punt and subsequent years should have been ample wear burqas. Get wise to this before you propel yourself slowly along a crowded leave, and you might enjoy a satisfying 4 stretch of river. Jump naked from a time. If you have fallen into a suboptimal perspective group of friends, you still have a week love life outside the city. Punt etc. bridge into shallow algae-water as a or so to rid yourself of their life-sapping mode of celebration. Engulf an entire mediocrity and align yourself with edgier dessert with your gaping mouth-hole types. Given the time frame, if you have if somebody puts shrapnel in it. If you not yet managed to attain ‘coolness’, the don’t do it now, well, you can still do best you can hope for is to loiter in the it elsewhere, but you’ll look like a bit defl ected coolness of established others. more of a dick. 22nd June 2011 Assistant Culture Editor: Kirsty Gray [email protected] 25

Simon Haines Simon has been in a variety of Spotlights shows in his time here, writing his own material, such as Struts and Frets, As the end of another year of Cambridge theatre approaches, we speak to some of the writers, directors and ac- directing plays including Passing By tors that have shone on our stages over the past few years. These names are ones to watch out for in the future, as and acting in many productions, for they move on from being key players in the university drama scene to join the Cambridge thespian alumni already example as Big Daddy in Cat on a seen on stage and screen Hot Tin Roof.

What has been your proudest theatrical moment? liane Grant Struts and Frets. It’s easier to be liane has been in a variety of shows in ‘proud’ as a writer because you her time at Cambridge, ranging from have overview and you can watch American dramas such as American the work. Seagull too, to a lesser drama recently in All My Sons to musi- extent: it was more ‘impressive’ and cals such as Annie Get Your Gun, and is ‘important’ in the eyes of the world directing the CuMTS May Week show but less important in that it was less personal. Struts and Frets brought more people High Society. more happiness, and that counts for a lot.

What has been your proudest Do you have theatre-themed plans for the future? theatrical moment? I intend to make it my career, for as long as it makes me happy. With longevity My proudest moment has got to be, and wanting to be excellent at the craft, I’m training at drama school for the next without question, the final night of the three years (money-god willing). But it’s a career not a life. A part of my life, but ADC Production of All My Sons in May not the thing entire. 2011. The standing ovations each night

were incredibly moving, but that final ElEANor BrAINE Who is your biggest influence? night, with my mum in the audience The people closest to me. My mum, nieces, nan, best friends. and almost everyone on their feet, with some of my closest friends bowing next to me and the knowledge that we’d done McKellen used to be an important figure because he was a respected actor who the play justice and done ourselves proud – it all just took my breath away! was openly, comfortably attracted to men; two things I wanted to be. Influences used to be people older than me – I’ve been happier thinking about myself in the Do you have theatre-themed plans for the future? future, once I’ve ‘made it’ in life, which means at least just being older and more Abi Tedder stable, really. But I’ve been getting closer and closer to the present. People closer “Hi-diddly-di, an actor’s life for me!” Ideally, I’d like to go back to New York as to my own age have been more influential than ‘celebrities’ or media figures over it’s where I went to drama school; I have lots of friends and teachers out there Abi has done a variety of shows in the last few years – and my nieces are really very young. that will provide a great support network. I will also be training as a teacher her time here, many of them with either in England or in the USA because, as we all know, actors spend a lot of the Footlights, including Anything But Other famous actors I admire are Mark Rylance, Henry Goodman, John Lith- time out of work but still have to earn a living. I decided I’d rather do that doing (A One-Woman Play) last term and gow, Robin Williams. Bravura. Dangerous brilliance. But I don’t know enough of something I enjoy and am passionate about. recently played Nurse in Romeo and any one actor to be noticeably influenced. That’s a good thing. Life is quotation Juliet. This summer, she will play the but it’s nice if it isn’t a Dustin Hoffman impression. Who is your biggest influence? First Witch and the Porter in the CAST touring production of ‘Macbeth’. On a personal level, my mum. That one’s easy! If we’re talking on a professional level, acting-wise, then Judi Dench and Meryl Streep. Unlike many of their fellow What has been your proudest film stars, they are both phenomenal stage actresses. Plus, I have an enormous theatrical moment? Ben amount of respect for how they’ve both lived their lives largely out of the public eye, so when they enter on stage or appear on screen you know it’s not for the The third night of Anything But (A money or the fame, it’s because they love what they do and respect the profession. One-Woman Play). It sold out, with Kavanagh my family, friends and Tim Key in the audience and was my proudest Ben has been in dozens of shows in his theatrical moment and genuinely one time at Cambridge, including work with of the happiest and most exciting mo- the Footlights and numerous dramas, Max Barton ments of my life. and is now directing Not About Angels with Imogen Stubbs. Max has directed numerous shows dur- Do you have theatre-themed ing his time at Cambridge, including a plans for the future? What has been your proudest two-week run of Noises Off at the ADC theatrical moment here? last term and the European Theatre I will be a comedian. Somehow. My Group tour of A Midsummer Night’s future plans are definitely theatre- It was totally unexpected but it ended Dream in 2009. He is also directing The themed – I’ve not as yet discovered All My up being the Friday night of Curse of Macbeth, which goes to the Edin- anything better. It might take a while, Sons . Up until then I had always firmly burgh Festival this summer. there’s a good chance I’ll never make thought of Waiting For Godot as being it, but I have nothing else going for in particular, the performance, I was What has been your proudest me and I’d hate to have a job that most proud of however, the audience’s theatrical moment here? involved using any of the skills I’ve reaction on the Friday night complete- gained from my degree. ly changed my mind. Never have I It’s really hard to say – I’m proud of ev- ever experienced in the ADC an audience rise to their feet so quickly, it was com- ery show I’ve done here. I guess the most Who is your biggest influence? pletely overwhelming and at the same time thrilling – to see what we had tried unique experience I had was directing to achieve be realised and then acknowledged so firmly every night with people Hamlet in the real Elsinore castle in My biggest influences at the moment on their feet cheering and applauding for an encore was, for me, absolutely the Denmark. The opportunity to produce I suppose are comedians that I enjoy, like Andrew Lawrence, Tim Key, proudest moment. EMMA SullEy the first ever promenade production that used the whole castle is unbeatable and Daniel Kitson, Ellen DeGeneres, the Do you have any theatrical plans for the future? it gave insights into the play that I don’t believe could be gained in any other way. Pajama Men. I’m currently obsessed with Peter Ustinov – YouTube this For most Cambridge actors the routes out to the professional world seem to be Do you have any theatrical plans for the future? man. Christ, he could tell a joke. either to drama school or to agencies and auditions. My aim is for the second. My biggest influences have mostly I have secured two agents and will be moving to London, hopefully setting up a Absolutely. I am taking the MFA in directing at Birkbeck in London, where I come from the Cambridge performers small Shakespeare company with a few others who are moving to London also. will train in drama schools and professional theatres with a view to becoming a I’ve worked with. The 2009 Footlights professional director. president Alastair Roberts is probably Who is your biggest influence? the funniest man I’ve ever seen on a Who is your biggest influence? stage and, throughout my time here, There are so many people who influence me it is hard to pinpoint who is the big- Footlighters like Liam Williams, Mark gest. I’ve certainly learnt a great deal from playwrights like Miller and Williams. Realistically, I think my biggest theatrical influence has to be my father. There are Fiddaman, Ben Ashenden (among Great musical composers Sondheim, Kander and Ebb, and Schwartz. Of course loads of theatre practitioners from whom I’ve learned a lot, whether by reading many others) have made me want to I have been truly inspired by certain film actors (Dustin Hoffman, Al Pacino, An- their books, talking to them or watching their plays, but ever since I was two or be a better comedian. They influence thony Hopkins) as well as hard working, prolific stage actors like Zoe Wanamaker, three years old I would be in the rehearsal room watching my dad direct and, me every day. Maggie Smith and Mark Rylance. without that, I find it hard to believe that I would be in the same position as I am now. Reviews Editor: Kate Abnett 22nd June 2011 [email protected] 26

KATie ChurChiLL ThEATRE they were hard to fault. Whether it Fringe Trims was falling over boxes during a mock ALice udALe SmiTh Armageddapocalypse free-running chase and making it look 2.5: Armagedinburgh completely planned, keeping a straight very year there are a plethora of face while attempting a very, very, very Cambridge acts that make the long ADC Lateshow close intimidating death-stare at your Ejourney north to perform at the (Wed 15th - Sat 18th July) enemy following an egg-metaphor renowned Edinburgh Fringe Festival. This ★★★★★ one-upmanship championship or a year is no different and to make things easy here’s our guide to the Cambridge fantastically choreographed swordfight, acts in Edinburgh. or those that are new to the these were well-rehearsed, accom- Armageddapocalypse franchise, plished performances, and credit must The Curse of Macbeth this third installment carries on particularly go to Moran and Young 12AM, Mon 1ST - WeD 31ST Aug - The eDinburgh F PLAyhouSe AT The hAWKe AnD hunTer, green its tradition as the film that asks, “are for their outstanding showmanship rooM ferns combustible?” From Exploding onstage. This adapted version of Shakespeare’s Fist Productions comes a non-stop If I have one criticism it’s that the classic promises to leave you “questioning rollercoaster ride of action-adventure odd joke was either one we’d heard what is real and what is hallucination” us- following Jack Lang: a man with more before or fell flat. Some jokes, such ing physical theatre and new music by the courage, more wit, more education (he as a play on cardiac arrest/broken composers of Time Out’s Critic’s Choice Hamlet House of Horrors. holds degrees in both gunology and heart, seems borrowed material gunography), much less suavity, and a from the Simpsons if my memory much less tidy desk than James Bond. serves me, but these were few and far To Have and to Hold by Joey Batey He also can’t convince his Lang-girl the drama. As Lang tries desperately for the fight sequences, and soundtracks between, and did not detract from 3PM, Thu 4Th - Mon 29Th Aug (exCePT 15Th) - AuguSTine’S to have sex with him, which is rather to stop Dr Apocalypse from blowing were borrowed from big-screen epics an extremely funny show. The script refreshing. up the world, we’re led through a well- such as True Grit and Lord of the Rings. Shortlisted for Footlights Harry Porter was for the most part hilarious, but Prize this new comedy follows Lucy, a targeted parody of an amalgamation Although there were small technical the occasional line (notably a play on cynical young woman, as she watches her of every Bond film, which is great for hitches they didn’t damage the show’s the word ‘Bangkok’) wasn’t milked for best friend’s wedding turn into the most The funniest those of us that have seen them. For overall effect, and the performers dealt its full value and was lost on much of bizarre day of her life. those that haven’t, you’ll still be in for well with the circumstances; Tamara the audience. I guess that’s what you comedy I’ve seen possibly the best gag rate of any show Astor’s improvisation of the line “why get for seeing the previews – or even FANTASMAGORIANA by Tamara in Cambridge in Cambridge, and the action satire do the good ones always die young? ... the first night, as these will likely be Micner won’t be lost on you. and at night?” when a lighting cue was reworked for later performances – but 3.40PM, Thu 4Th - Mon 29Th Aug (exCePT 16Th) In the ADC, we get a wider view For a lateshow, this was technically missed even got an extra laugh. this is an excellent show, and the funni- @ C AquiLA of the film, with director Zack-Jack impressive – and suitably overblown. And it’s to the actors that the most est comedy I’ve seen in Cambridge. It This new play, an hour long comedy, Jackson giving us the full DVD direc- Lighting ranged from soliloquy spot- credit must go. Many being veterans deserves to sell out. follows the birth of Mary Shelley’s ‘Fran- tor’s commentary at various points in lights to ultra-dramatic strobe effects of last year’s Footlights committee, CRAIG SLADE kenstein’ as an innocent writing contest in Lord Byron’s Swiss villa spawns rivalries and romance, and the most infamous ThEATRE the trend, however, injecting a riveting ThEATRE hackers, mountaineers, tour guides, monster the world has known. vivacity into her archetypal melodra- robots and middle-aged, beer-bellied, Rhinoceros matic French lady Madame Boeuf. The Footlights Tour Show: burger-eating men in the pub, among Footlights International Tour Show Pembroke College audience dissolved into laughter repeat- Pretty Little Panic very many more brilliantly-captured (Sat 18th - Tue 21st June) 2011: Pretty Little Panic edly as she sashayed along, shrieking, ADC Mainshow characters. Attention to detail was 5.20PM, WeD 3rD - Mon 29Th Aug (exCePT 17Th) ★★★★★ weeping, flirting and fainting her way (Tue 14th - Sat 25th June) supreme. Mark Fiddaman stole the @ King DoMe, PLeASAnCe across the stage with admirable gusto. show, at once brilliantly funny as an ‘Pretty Little Panic’ travels around the UK ccording to one member of the James Morris plays the lead as tor- ★★★★★ imposter Swedish masseur; Jed, a timid before heading up to the Edinburgh and cast, Ionesco’s Rhinoceros is “a mented last-surviving human Berenger, leader of the truth-spoon confession then taking on both coasts of America. satire on how useless the intellec- and though clearly a talented actor, he etting out on a seventy-five ring; and a worried lab technician in a Make sure you grab a “must-have ticket” A (The Times) to the show that has launched tuals in France were in pointing out the largely fails to evoke our sympathy. The performance stint across two cloning room full of cats. – and continues to launch – many of the stupidity of fascism and communism harrowing intensity of his monologue Scontinents, the Footlights’ tour greatest names in comedy. in the 1940s”. On this count, the play of inner torment, hair-clutching and show is an ambitious project. An ambi- deserves 10 out of 10. Set in a French psychotic eyes that filled the last scene tious project that succeeds with genius: Bonesong/Unknown Position by Kate provincial town, we watch the protago- would have been outstanding had simi- comedians Fiddaman, Ashenden, Law- Kept the audience Whitley, Joe Snape, Emma Hogan and nists’ varying responses as their fellow lar wretchedness not filled most of the rence and Owen had the audience in forever engaged and Conrad Steel inhabitants transform into (beautifully, previous scenes. stitches with their slick sketches. 7PM, WeD 3rD - SAT 13Th Aug @ C-1, C VenueS sinisterly masked) rhinoceroses. The show was structured to perfec- ThoMAS george interested Cambridge University Opera Society Jake Alden-Falconer’s pompous tion; masterful transitions between presents two new chamber operas with Marxist gent Mr Botard convinces and scenarios – as the last line of a sketch The troupe handled audience two five-star reviews. Bonesong is a twisted delights the audience as he fulminates opened the next with a twist – kept the expectation with great skill. A scene fairytale with live electronics and video in- against what he deems a capitalist show fresh and exciting. The writers on death row between jailer and jailed stallation and Unknown Position is about a woman in love with a chair. ‘hoax’ and ‘shameful machination’. He understood, however, that repetition had a very obvious punch line and yet, refuses to accept the reality; when he of the same technique might become with just the right amount of suspense The Life Doctor by Adam Lawrence later transforms, Ionesco’s low estima- stale, and so kept the audience forever before the dénouement, the scene tion of the fickle and impressionable engaged and interested with near per- came off well. Recurring jokes were and Phil Wang intelligentsia shines through brilliantly. fect synchronisation between audio and used sensitively, always in an unex- 8.10PM, WeD 3rD - Mon 29Th Aug @ unDerbeLLy Tolerant liberals take a good kicking movement. The auditorium was filled pected context: one joke of Lawrence’s From Chortle Student Comedy Award- too for their inadequate responses, with with waves of laughter as Lawrence characters was to raise an eyebrow winning Phil Wang, and Adam Lawrence, comes ‘The Life Doctor’: the greatest TV Fred Maynard putting in an exceptional and Fiddaman played a superlatively whilst audio played of his conscience show never shown. performance as the moral relativist brilliant scene miming a muddled tune deliberating a white lie. lawyer Dudard. We are taken aback on a non-existent piano. As it was only the second night of Armageddapocalypse: The Explosion- by his carefree acceptance of – and What came across so powerfully the tour, the troupe will have plenty ing by James Moran and Lucien Young even mirth at – the ‘rhinoceritis’ that from the evening was a real sense that of time to polish out slight imperfec- has overcome his boss and his scorn for the performers understood the art tions. If one were to nitpick, Lawrence 10PM, Mon 1ST - WeD 31ST Aug @ A Venue TbC the moral indignation and fears of his Several of the of balance and measure in comedy. on occasion lost character in his solo This is one of the more ambitious projects to emerge from the ADC using technical friend Berenger. actors had put on Only on one occasion, when Ashen- scenes, grinning at the audience’s innovation to recreate action film sequenc- Laura Profumo’s simpleminded den played a car dealer, did a sketch evident delight. One movement es with a tiny budget. This was the fastest beauty Daisy, more concerned with the their character’s feel like it was being pushed beyond scene between knights unfortunately selling ADC Lateshow in history, and they dust entering through the window than its natural life; otherwise the troupe descended into farce; a great shame will be hoping for just as spectacular a run the rhinos stomping around outside it, socks but still not skilfully worked their way through a given the artistry that had gone into in Edinburgh. also impresses in her conveyance of great variety and mixture of characters the show overall. These were slight the average citizen’s curious propensity and scenarios. With slight, seemingly SODOM The Earl of Rochester & thrown themselves glitches in one evening’s performance; to plough on with the banalities of effortless changes of posture and facial Toby Parker-Rees the show as a whole deserves to do very day-to-day life as the world is upheaved fully into their expression, they breezed through sports well indeed. 11.15PM, Sun 14Th - Mon 29Th Aug @ Zoo, VICKI PERRIN eDinburgh around them. commentators, businessmen, computer In other ways, however, the play shoes The Earl of Rochester’s tragicomedy of sexual excess savagely exposes the baser rather disappoints. It seemed as though instincts governing our governors. With several of the actors have learnt their Part of the problem was the live music, fine art and pinstripe codpieces lines at the last minute, and had put repetitiveness of the script in this this is an all-new production based on on their characters’ socks but still not two-and-a-quarter hour performance. tribal clowning, theatre of cruelty, and thrown themselves fully into their shoes. A Guardian critic said of another David Cameron’s stupid face. Instead there are too many obvious performance that the last scene had stereotypes – the exasperated boss, him “wrenching [his] head from side JET SET GO! Edinburgh by Pippa the suave and strait-laced snob, the to side with the tension”, but for the Cleary and Jake Brunger doddering old man. The background girl sat next to me it looked more like 7PM, Mon 15Th - SAT 27Th Aug (exCePT 21ST) @ musicians, for all the pleasant gypsy folk boredom. With an unflinching pruning The SPACe @ niDDry tunes emanating from their harpsicords of the script by the director’s razor and The love lives of a transatlantic cabin crew and trumpets, looked rather ill at ease: a little more character development in soar to the stage in this high-flying new solemn and as though they too had only rehearsals, it could have been an excel- musical comedy. Cheeky, charming, full of touching moments and catchy tunes. just got to grips with their music. lent show. The wonderful Jennie King broke TOM BELGER 22nd June 2011 27 Parties in pictures Reviews Editor: Kate Abnett [email protected] 22nd June 2011 28 This week’s... Crossword 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

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10 11 Balls Theatre Events Film & Music

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Magdalene Footlights’ Trinity Hall June ‘Nova Canta- Wed 22nd June International Tour brigiensis’ launch Event 13 14 15 Theme: The Centenery Show 2011: Pretty Wed 22nd June Mon 27th June 2.30-4.30pm kettle’s yArd Magdalene celebrate 100 years Theme: Technicolour with an array of musical ents. Little Panic The launch of a new book by 16 17 Headliners Mystery Jets, will be Tue 14th - Sat 25th June, vari- Dubstep/drum and bass artist John Devlin, a Canadian outsider supported by Jamie XX, Clean ous performance times Nero will headline, with other ents artist who studied at Cambridge 18 19 Bandit, The Joker & the Thief, Adc theAtre (£5-£7) including Itchy Feet. At £76, one 30 years ago, and who had a solo Itchy Feet and Truly Medley Be one of the first in the audi- of the best May week celebrations exhibition in King’s last May Deeply amongst others. ence of 20,000 people who will for value. Week. The book is a selection 20 21 see this show. of his architectural sketches of a The best of Cambridge comedy fantasy, utopian island inspired St Edmund’s will complete this local run as the The King’s Affair by the city of Cambridge. 22 23 Fri 24th June beginning of a huge interna- Wed 22nd June Theme: Exhibition tional tour, from the UK, to the Theme: A Midsummer Night- Edinburgh Fringe Festival and Kaboom Aside from its menu (a hog roast, mare on to conquer both coasts of crepes, chocolate and baileys Wed 22nd - Thu 23rd June, America. King’s will host seven music 7pm 24 25 fountains), what the ball will stages and a self proclaimed feature is a mystery. Previous atmosphere of “Beats not Bol- Arts Picturehouse balls have seen dodgems and Acis and Galatea linger”. Previous years have seen Gregg Araki (Mysterious Skin, impressive fireworks. Wed 22nd June, 7pm breakdancing in the Chapel, Smiley Face) directs this high corPus christi college Europe’s largest inflatable assault school romp. Set in a California 26 27 MAster’s lodge gArden (£6.50- course, dodgems and a silent college, gross-out comedy, £10.50) disco. coming-of-age drama and a sci-fi Corpus Christi sub-plot collide in a surreal mix Handel’s story of the lovers of Donnie Darko and Dazed and Fri 24th June Acis and Galatea is retold in Cryptic Clues DOWN 10. Animal (colloq.) (7) Women’s Word Confuzed. Theme: On Distant Shores an outdoor setting. Directed by ACROSS 11. Looking at written words and Toby Jones and conducted by 2011 understanding what they mean. (7) Main stage ents will include 1. Two thirds of the Bureau is hidden 12. An ecclesiastical sentence (15) Peter Stobart. Fri 24th - Sun 26th June from the public. (6) Man Like Me, a pop-ska duo Glyndebourne Live: 1. Ickiest MP’s getting mixed up in 13. Polish dish (6) from North London. Their set at lucy cAvendish college questionable philosophy. (10) 2. Display electronic Cable? (6) 15. Enraged (5) Corpus is followed by a ten-festival Beginning with a literary dinner Die Meistersinger 6. Madly love small furry animal. (4) 3. Carry Motörhead emblem. (5) 18. British and Irish trade union (5) 4. Fully describe accurst meat in stew tour, including Glastonbury. with Sandi Toksvig on Friday, 10. Second half of writer’s short cri- 19. Familiar (2,4) von Nurnberg when it turns up in the mixture. (15) 22. The doctrine that Jesus was just the festival will include dozens of tique to begin with a beastly thing. (7) And Then There Sun 26th June, 3pm 11. Literacy found about 40 miles out 5. Heterosexual rugby player is easy. a guy. (15) female writers, thinkers, contro- (15) Arts Picturehouse of London? (7) 24. Portico (7) Were None versialists, and women of letters. 12. Punishment for cardinal sin re- 7. I drink in the middle of spoken exam 25. Making amends (7) Homerton Glyndebourne’s first ever and get a first. (8) Tue 21st - Thu 23rd June, 2pm Events include book readings, ceived in contents of text message? (15) 26. E.g. Trumpington Street (4) production of Wagner’s warm 8. Glorified mechanic is born during 27. What deer look startled in (10) Thu 23rd June gonville And cAius old discussions and talks from speak- 13. Traditional soup made from a hearted comedy about a song bottle top and the internal parts of a terrible reign. (8) Theme: Camelot, a Legendary courts (free) ers such as Wendy Cope. contest, a love triangle and Porsche. (6) 9. Bad hair? Stick Turkish spirit in it to Knight get a samurai-style cut. (4-4) DOWN Caius’ May week play retells the renunciation will be broadcast 15. Furious about one review. (5) story of Agatha Christie’s best- 18. Bring together the United Na- 14. New Zealand emergency services Does It Offend You, Yeah? will live to the cinema. almost in direct competition? (3,2,3) headline. Ents include reggae selling detective fiction novel. tions and Europe around the Italian Directed by David McVicar, 16. Sounds like crap pusher is one 1. Classified information (6) band By The Rivers, who are Sidney Sussex Arts domain. (5) 2. Prove (6) fresh from completing his first 19. Versed in German of a current who’s easily seduced. (8) supporting The Specials on their 17. Ethical meat + raita – regularly an 3. Clan symbol (5) Festival Ring cycle, and conducted by time. (2,4) UK tour, Starmsith and Penny ok substitute for Kahlúa? (3,5) 4. To support by giving particulars (5) HMS Pinafore – on Sat 25th June Vladimir Jurowski. 22. Iranian imam shut out due to for the DJ. 20. Ending with sound of peculiar 5. Directly ahead (8,7) the wAllAce collection concern for people’s welfare. (15) 7. Novel (8) Punts 24. A lawyer has to spin around in front European language. (6) 21. Pictures of the wizards at Apple? (6) 8. Concoct (8) Fri 24th June, 7.30pm The festivities launch on Friday of the gallery. (7) 9. Seppuku (4-4) 25. Making reparations for a lot of stuff 23. The Greatest consumes a moon of st John’s college riverside(£3) with a concert in the chapel. Chamber Concert Jupiter with a tasty condiment. (5) 14. Face to face (3,2,3) Pembroke in the final evening. (7) 16. Knock to the floor (4,4) Saturday’s programme includes Thu 23rd June, 8pm 26. Thoroughfare is wide, but has no This year’s Gilbert and Sullivan kettle’s yArd 17. Caribbean drink (3,5) Wed 22nd June May Week show sees the com- jazz, chamber music, films, com- beginning! (4) Quick Clues 20. Stop (6) pany staging a production of one edy photography and two whole The Kettle’s Yard Ensemble 27. Noggin catches fire in the glare of 21. Mental representations (6) Theme: The Secret Gardens a car? (10) ACROSS The ball offers a five course of Gilbert and Sullivan’s most operas. The festival also boats – made up of rising student 23. Provençal dish (5) dining option, as well as a garden popular operettas almost entirely a free hog roast and unlimited stars – will play a programme of ice cream. Smetana and Mendelssohn. 1. Doubt (10) rave, jazz and headline act The on punts. Set by Anaxander Futureheads. 6. A diminutive rodent (4) Sudoku Hitori The object is to insert the numbers in the boxes to satisfy only one condition: each row, column and 3x3 box must contain the digits 1 through 9 exactly once. The objective is to eliminate numbers by filling in the squares such that remaining cells do not contain numbers that appear more than once in either a given row or column. 6 2 7 9 4 5 1 8 8 7 4 2 9 9 5 3 2 6 3 7 5 2 4 2 6 4 7 6 6 1 2 5 9 2 2 4 9 4 7 1 1 3 8 4 6 1 7 5 1 3 6 2 1 4 3 4 4 2 4 5 8 1 7 5 2 6 8 8 9 1 6 4 3 4 1 6 1 6 7 4 2 6 2 1 7 4 2 3 1 6 5 7 4 2 5 2 9 6 8 3 4 7 1 3 6 4 7 6 5 6 1 6 4 2 7 2 3 5 3 2 8 6 7 3 7 5 4 8 6 5 3 2 7 1 1 2 7 3 5 6 3 1 5 3 1 7 9 8 1 7 8 5 6 4 3 9 9 3 6 7 4 3 2 1 7 2 1 4 1 3 6 1 5 2 2 4 3 6 8 3 1 4 9 2 5 7 7 8 5 3 2 6 1 9 7 2 5 6 7 3 7 4 3 6 5 4 5 7 5

6 4 8 1 2 9 4 8 7 9 5 2 4 2 5 7 5 3 6 3 4 2 1 4 7 6 1 3 5 8 1 6 5 1 6 1 3 2 1 4 7 3 6 2 4 7 1 5 8 5 9 6 3 4 6 2 1 8 4 2 6 7 3 4 8 9 6 4 7 5 4 6 8 9 3 9 7 6 4 3 4 5 7 6 7 4 3 4 7 5 6 5 4 5 6 8 2 2 7 6 8 9 3 5 1 5 7 6 3 4 2 7 5 6 5 3 1 2 5 9 3 2 6 4 1 5 6 1 8 2 4 2 4 3 7 1 5 3 7 6 2 4 5 4 1 9 6 5 4 3 8 9 4 5 1 5 3 8 4 2 1 7 3 1 6 2 3 1 7 5 1 6 4 3 6 6 1 5 3 2 1 7 2 7 3 4 5 1 5 6 3 7 4 8 8 5 3 4 2 1 2 7 5 3 2 1 6 5 4 1 22nd June 2011 Sport Editor: James Corcut [email protected] 29 The Boat Race...in cardboard Umpiring Bumps Although it may not get the coverage some of the events on the river do, the In Bumps the focus inevitably falls on the crews, but Cardboard Boat Race certainly has a drama and charm of its own umpire Lizzie Bennett gives us her view of events

HANNAH BLINCKO each boat made for the most entertain- retrieving their fl oating pieces of card- Umpires have the authority to award of ga er tape and an experienced boat- correspondent from the river ing part of the event. board. The fruitstand boat was one bumps, fine crews and bank parties, man enabled them to row on, narrowly There were some successes that such victim, but its passengers exploited ensure that safety regulations are met, avoiding Spoons for W1. The third annual Cambridge University swiftly paddled on their way but the the situation in the name of business, and generally to boss people around. If you thought crashes and obstruc- Cardboard Boat Race entertainingly majority made it to the middle of the swimming along the banks to sell their As a cox, this is something I’m normally tion were particular to the lower closed a week of boatie antics. Follow- river only to fi nd that their soggy ships damp goods. quite good at, and my fi rst duties were divisions, the chaos caused by Downing ing exams, many students will have could not cope. The banks teemed Various tactics prevailed – hall trays with Sidney Sussex M4, right down M2 on the inside of Grassy on Saturday taken to the waters of the Cam for a with laughing and cheering spectators were used as paddles and competitors there at the bottom of the M6 division. proved otherwise. After bumping FaT leisurely punt or adrenalin-inducing as failing sailors swam about the Cam swam behind their boats to aid their They were a friendly bunch, but the M2, Downing proceeded to destroy the May Bumps. And yet, with over 1,500 advance. Strugglers grabbed pass- news that they would be racing Bumps next 15 crews’ racing lines, and it was attendees on Facebook, the cardboard ing punts to pick up pace, and indeed a mere twelve hours before it started only the skill of the other coxswains in equivalent seemed set to rival its more The banks teemed the same punts caused collisions. By - when most of the crew were still in the division that avoided an enormous traditional counterparts. this point, most of the river traffic Cindies – would clearly take its toll. pile-up. The challenge was as follows: with laughing and had become bobbing heads, but those After the customary low-division-boats- Special mention goes to the headship entrants were limited to cardboard, that had made a speedy getaway were crash on Grassy, the crew soon realised crews (Caius M1 and Downing W1), PVA glue and ga a tape in their con- cheering spectators beginning to head back with their extra that there was no chance of going up or New Hall (whose crews both earned struction of a boat which would race passenger. They victoriously progressed down, and they proceeded to ‘race-pad- blades) and FaT, who achieved only one from Jesus Green to Magdalene beach as failing sailors back to Jesus Green with seeming ease, dle’ home octopus-style, frequently at bump in four days of eight crews racing and back. The extra test was to pick up receiving rounds of applause from the risk of being overtaken by Hughes Hall (well done W3! Shame about the next an ‘item’ halfway, which this year was swam about the watching crowds. M3 doing ‘pause-paddling’ exercises. three days...) an extra passenger. All this was a seem- Cam retrieving their Among the spectators were as many The fi rst day continued with carnage All in all, a good week’s racing with ingly impossible though temptingly locals as there were students, making when Caius M3 decided to do a practice blades and spoons galore, crashes that hilarious task. Approaching the array oating pieces of for a fantastic event on the Cambridge start into a stationary First and Third were entertaining rather than danger- of boats on Jesus Green it became calendar. And from the student’s point Trinity M3 (FaT). Two broken blades, ous, and of course the now famous May apparent that racing was not exactly cardboard of view it was a unique start to a May one broken rudder and a good forty-fi ve Bumps Division 4 Puppy. Well done the focus of all entrants. Week. minutes later, Caius rowed over and FaT to all the crews involved and to all the A good number had indeed put was bumped by St Catherine’s (Catz). umpires, who as I now know can easily great thought into the engineering Perhaps FaT can take solace from the cycle a good 50km or more each day. of their boat, with vast amounts of JOHN MASON £100 fi ne dished out to Caius. tape and innovative ergonomics. The However, the most memorable part DOUGLAS BRUMLEY/www.douglasbrumley.com majority, however, were out to impress of the first day was the discovery of aesthetically, vying for the prize of most an adorable little puppy by Peterhouse ‘interesting’ design. A rather beautiful Boat Club. The canine in question soon swan, a good few Viking ships and a made friends with almost every crew on fruit stand were among the impressive the river (except for a pointed distaste creations. for Catz) before being claimed by the As entrants checked out their com- Dog Warden. petition, the atmosphere was buzzing, Thursday’s and Friday’s races saw the everyone clearly excited for such an continuing ‘lattice-work’ pattern in the eccentric start to May Week. There was M5, W3, M3 and W2 divisions, with no concept of a start time, as the main several crews on for blades or spoons on concern was whether the boats would the Saturday. Addenbrooke’s (Addies), immediately sink, and so one by one the whose men and women were sharing cardboard contraptions were launched. a borrowed boat, continually managed Passengers tentatively clambering on to break the bows o , yet the wonders cambridge long hair Nothing makes a better impression than well cut, shiny hair. 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So if you or anyone you know would like to apply then contact us TODAY for an application form… Part-time Writers Wanted Email: [email protected] Substance.tv is a new online music/style magazine for the 20 to Don’t forget to visit Or write to: 35 year old male. varsity.co.uk Sorority Girls Applications, Granada Studios, Quay Street, It is feature led with no news or reviews. Manchester, M60 9EA for your latest news If you think you would like to write for us please could you send your CV together with a recent example of your writing. during the long P.S. Sorry boys, this one is strictly Girls Only Email us at [email protected]. vacation! Sport Editor: James Corcut [email protected] 22nd June 2011 30 Cambridge take victory in Twenty20 The weather threatened to make the day a wash-out, but the party atmosphere at Fenner’s inspired the Light Blues to a convincing victory in the first of the three Varsity matches

CUCC

Cambridge were dominant on the day, showing no mercy with the bat after a strong performance in the eld MICHAEL TAYLOR confi dently steered the Light Blues to vic- and the MCCU – who proved the di er- cricket correspondent tory. As many as twelve balls were left ence between the sides. unused as seventeen runs haemorrhaged The left-arm spinner’s impression The weather may have sabotaged the from the eighteenth over. Victory was was instant: Olly Richards and Tom Cuppers fi nal, but CUCC’s cricket week sealed emphatically, too, Ashton launch- Bryan were dismissed lbw in his fi rst over, was given a perfect fi nale as Dan Good- ing Ben Williams some distance over the while Agarwal and Dan Pascoe followed win and Phil Ashton steered the Light ropes to spark jubilation among the size- shortly afterwards to leave Best with the Blues to a thrilling three-wicket vic- able Cambridge support. remarkable figures of 4-0-12-4. Paddy tory over Oxford in the Charles Russell Earlier, only a mature and sophisticated Sadler then hit the stumps twice as the Twenty20 Varsity Match. 52 from Agarwal allowed Oxford to post Dark Blues subsided from 92 for 4 to 107 Chasing only 108, Cambridge had three fi gures. Thomas Probert claimed all out. been set to record a comfortable and the scalp of Ben Williams and Brown On Fenner’s that did not seem like deserved victory as Richard Timms’s that of Rajiv Sharma, but it was Paul much; it was enough, however, to set men sought to reclaim the Charles Rus- Best – making his debut for the Blues, fol- up one of the most exhilarating Varsity sell Trophy. Though Timms himself fell lowing commitments with Warwickshire matches of recent years. early, caught by Alex Scott o the bowl- ing of Paul Higham, Cambridge had been cruising at both 46 for 1 and then 79 for 3. Gus Kennedy, batting at three, had smashed 35, with Frankie Brown chipping in with 16. Nevertheless, 79 for 3 quickly became 90 for 7: Brown was bowled by Ben Wil- liams; Matt Hickey was trapped lbw by Sam Agarwal, as was Phil Hughes – while Victory was sealed emphatically sparking jubilation amongst Cambridge support

reverse-sweeping – by Alex Scott. Anand Ashok (19), who despite opening had been deprived of much of the strike, was the fi nal domino to fall as Scott picked up his second leg-before. From here, though, Phil Ashton and new batsman Dan Goodwin mixed clever running with brutal hitting as they Sport Editor: James Corcut 22nd June 2011 [email protected] 31 Tennis Blues look ahead to Varsity

NICK JENKINS

The Cambridge tennis club is feeling con dent about the upcoming Varsity matches against their rivals Varsity look at what to expect from Varsity tennis matches Seconds take win NICK JENKINS NICK JENKINS tennis correspondent A word from With the line-ups now selected by cap- the captain tains Nick Jenkins and Laura Morrill, the chosen few have their eyes fi rmly set oth teams are feeling optimistic on the joint tennis Varsity Matches, to be “Band will be training hard at held on the grass courts at the National Fenners in the fi nal week to be fully Tennis Centre in Roehampton from the ready. 27th to the 29th of June. “Cambridge has had signifi cantly Each fi xture consists of six singles play- more zealous support at Varsity over the ers playing two matches each and three past few years and this has proved crucial doubles pairs playing three each; a total in turning matches round from the brink of 21 rubbers over three days of play. of defeat. So we’re naturally hoping that Both the men and women are eager to many people will come to support us keep the old enemy in their place and over the three days! Captain Nick Jenkins is in a win for the sixth and third consecutive “Confi dence is high after a good con dent mood ahead of this year respectively. season and lots of tough training and important xture There is a distinct multicultural feel to fi tness sessions” Last year, the second team men’s tennis Michael Sharp and Michael Gwinner the men’s team, which consists of Kirill Varsity match, held in Oxford, ended capped another fi ne round of doubles Zavodov (Russia), Kenny Taubenslag in a nail biting conclusion. The Cam- with some overpowering volleying and (USA), Bruno Monteferri (Peru), Sven bridge Grasshoppers clinched the acute angled drop shots to edge the Sylvester (Australia), Rob Legg (Essex), match 11-10 over the Oxford Pen- team closer to victory. Nick Jenkins and Cameron Johnston guins, after the heroics of Jonas Tinius The second round of singles pro- (Yorkshire) and Greg Caterer (outer in the final rubber. This year, the duced arguably the best match of the space). However, the team will be with- match returned to the grass courts of weekend, as the Cambridge number out veteran RJ Lange (Netherlands) Fenner’s. one Sam Ashcroft and his Oxford coun- who has now sadly played his maximum Support was at a record high, and terpart battled away with a real mix of allowance of Varsity matches – winning the relentless cheering set the side o to hard-hitting and tactical play. Yet again, all fi ve of them! the best possible start, storming home Cambridge emerged victorious. This Strong performances in the doubles in all three of the fi rst round of dou- match fi nished just before Alex Moyni- and a clean sweep in the lower-order bles. The pick of the games was Alex han, last year’s Grasshoppers captain, singles matches have been crucial in Moynihan & Henry Delacave securing played some of the best tennis of his previous years, as Oxford’s top players a hard fought and important victory time at Cambridge to win and put the are notoriously strong. The team hope over the Oxford fi rst pair. tie beyond the grasp of the Dark Blues. to get o to a quick start and continue In the singles, Fred Floether took The remaining matches were sub- this winning formula. apart his opponent with typical ruth- sequently wrapped up to deliver a The women’s team has a good mix- lessness, whilst Josh Phillips did what scintillating 18-3 victory over an ture of experience and new faces this he does best by serving his way to vic- Oxford side that was no pushover and year. Laura Morrill (Murray Edwards), tory. However, Jonas Tinius was below looked strong on paper and on court. Emma Kudzin (Newnham) and Corina par and, despite a dogged e ort, was This included winning all nine dou- Balaban (Homerton) have fi ve years of unable to cap o what had been a near bles matches, a fi tting testament to the Varsity experience between them, while perfect day for the team. This left the tightness of the whole team and the Kadi Saar (Trinity), Georgia Archer- team with an emphatic 7-2 lead over- hard work they have put in all year. It Clowes (Churchill) and Sophie Walker night, and few would have predicted a is also an excellent omen for the fi rst (Peterhouse) will all be playing for the turning of the tide in the morning. team’s Varsity match, to be held in a fi rst time. Cambridge’s team has been working hard in preparation for the match At the start of the second day, week’s time. Sport Editor: James Corcut [email protected] 22nd June 2011

Strong performances in the doubles and a clean sweep in the lower-order singles matches have been crucial in previous years, as Oxford’s top players are notoriously strong. Nick Jenkins, men’s tennis captain, on this years Varsity tennis tournament, page 30 SPORT

Caius and Downing head the river SPORT IN

DOUGLAS BRUMLEY/www.douglasbrumley.com BRIEF

CAMBRIDGE ARCHERS DEFEAT OXFORD IN VARSITY MATCH Cambridge University Bowmen won for the fourteenth consecutive time against Oxford in the annual Varsity fi xture. Despite some wind, the general conditions were good for the match and Cambridge were able to secure a convincing victory. The team had to adapt to losing Kinsley Warren, but they were not to be deterred from winning the silver rose bowl, which they took back to Cambridge with a fi nal score of 3320 points against Oxford’s total of 3257. The novice archers were less suc- cessful and lost to Oxford’s 2349 points with a final score of 1972 points.

CAMBRIDGE CRICKETERS PREPARE FOR UPCOMING VARSITY MATCHES

Although they defeated their Dark Blue rivals in fairly comfortable fashion last week, the Light Blue cricketers will not be resting on their laurels as they prepare to face Oxford a further two times in the coming weeks. On Sunday 26th June the teams will take to the field at Lord’s for the one-day match in which Oxford will no doubt be looking to exact revenge for their humiliat- ing batting collapse in last Friday’s Twenty20 match. But the teams will once again face Despite grim rowing conditions, a tense and exciting week at May Bumps results in each other this season during the four-day Varsity match at Fenner’s Caius and Downing triumph on the river in front of a crowded audience from Tuesday 5th to Friday 8th July. DARRYL HUTCHEON on all four days, they obtain the from Caius and Robinson. The sustained pressure from the following rowing correspondent ‘wooden spoon’. While doubtlessly, latter boat dedicated their success to crew. In W2, victory was enjoyed by self-effacing crew members could cox Alana Smith’s pet cat, Spangle, Lucy Cavendish, whose success ought The May Bumps saw hundreds of combine to buy a wooden spoon, which had died on the eve of the not to be unduly compromised by the rowers competing in front of thou- you’d have to think it was unlikely tournament. Lower down the divi- regrettable behaviour of their river- sands of spectators on one river, with that they’d do so: being shunned sions, there was fi erce competition: side coach, who roared obscenities at several twists and turns over the four by members of their college as big competing crews in a sad instance of days. sweating failures is probably enough gamesmanship . For those not so in the boatie know, to exhaust their sense of humour. The Bumps were a remarkable the concept is notable for its simplic- This year, special mention in the Special mention is spectacle and as ever, the event ity. College boats each have a starting M1 division is reserved for Caius, who enjoyed a unique atmosphere pro- Search: England U21 point in relation to one another and managed to fi nish top of the river. Of reserved for Caius duced by the thousands lining the aim to “catch up” with the boat in particular note was the e ort of St river in support of their favoured front: if they manage to do so, they Catharine’s M1, who obtained blades and St Catharine’s crews, despite some miserable rowing have ‘bumped” and can stop right in moving from 7th to 3rd over the and spectating conditions. There was there and go for a cup of tea, con- four days, with a resounding smash- M1 who obtained a muted police presence, which came tent with their day’s work. If a crew ing of Trinity First and Third on the in handy when a local pervert had to manages to bump on four days, they ‘gala’ day 4. Boat club captain Harry blades in moving be escorted away after making repre- obtain blades, an accolade only Moss summed up the jubilation of hensible gestures towards a passing somewhat undermined by the unfor- his crew in celebrating what he called from 7th to 3rd crew. That aside, old boys mixed with tunate contingency that the winning a “solid performance”, and the boys current boys, and cider and beer were crew has to buy the blades itself. were doused in champagne by a jolly over the four days free fl owing as merriment gripped the On a brighter note, however, blade- Catz audience before rowing away River Cam. The Plough pub made a winning crew members can expect inexplicably covered in nettles. killing and families enjoyed a good- a boost to their college profi le, and In W1, Downing women again value day out, though congestion The training pitch can be a dangerous are typically made the darling of the asserted their dominance in retaining on the last day in M2, all four boats on the riverside walking path made place, especially if you don’t keep your sport sections in alumni-focused Col- their position at the head of the river, at the top found themselves fight- quick progress along the race course eye on the ball as Jason Steele will testify lege magazines. If a crew is bumped and there were stoic performances ing to retain their position under hugely di cult for pedestrians.