1pm Switch on during your lunchbreak and head along to the final lecture for Islamic Awareness Week - WOMEN IN ISLAM, conducted by Ghina Krayem in New Law 026. FREE, and you can bring in your lunch. We think... 5:45pm Do you like your brain? Do you like drugs? Do you like WED drugs and your brain and that Eastern Avenue Auditorium? Head over there for the SYDNEY SCIENCE FORUM - THE BRAIN ON DRUGS to discover if recreational drugs really are all that bad for developing brains. Stop getting all your info from your weed-fogged neighbour 14th and find out how drugs affect you. FREE entry. 1pm If you’re in the habit of referring to her as ‘Jane’, you’re in. Lovers of all things period drama should bring a plate to the DARCY SOCIETY BOOK CLUB in the Loggia in Manning. Consider your homework to read Jean Rhys’ ‘Wide Sargasso Sea’, the so-called controversial prequel to ‘Jane Eyre’. FREE. 6-8PM Did you know Sydney University owns a mental institution? Well they don’t ... but they totally used to. Now it’s called Sydney College of the Arts (SCA) and you should head over there because they are doing a BEHIND THE SCENES TOUR. All the places you couldn’t go before will now be opened up for the public. $25 with free ghosties!

• in the pm Cheer, cackle and.. uh... coo? at Sydney Uni’s finest comedy talent during the SYDNEY FRINGE FESTIVAL. Gen Fricker, Michael • Hing, Cyrus Bezyan, Pat Magee, are repping it off campus in their own solo shows this week, so head to www.thesydneyfringe.com.au for deets on their gigs. PICK OF 12pm-10pm Get a big ol’ dose full of new local music into those THE WEEK rolly-filled lungs at theCHANGING LANES FESTIVAL. The likes FRI of PVT, The Snowdroppers, Mikelangelo and the Tin Star, Oscar + Martin and many more will be wedged into Devonshire Street in Surry Hills alongside fashion, art and animal hats. They’re up to second release tix, a mere $36.80 from Moshtix.

3PM Watch The Corrs Unplugged Live DVD. I mean they’re all SAT babes, but we’d have to get rid of the pesky brother.

7PM Ah hell, we’re now covered in our own filth anyway. Crank a bit o’ Rock of Love on DVD. Bret Michaels and his house of 17th 04 hussies never goes astray. Shots for every time we see boobies! 05 ALL DAY Sports nuts git ye sports nuts out. GET. THEM. OUT. Then lace up your Pumas for the SYDNEY RUNNING FESTIVAL, a big old celebration of jogging. You can enrol in one of four runs: we’re thinking the Family Fun Run with our sports nuts way, way out. Rego stretches all the way from around $30 up to SUN $200 pp so here’s to limboing in as a Child Under 5.

7PM BRYAN ADAMS’ epic Bare Bones tour has sold out at 07 the Sydney Opera House, so we recommend a healthy YouTube concert of his best and Bryanest. Highlights should include ‘Summer of 69’, ‘The Only Thing That Looks Good On Me Is You’, and that Three Musketeers song he did with Rod Stewart and Sting. YOU KNOW THE ONE. FREE with broadband connection and tears. 08 5PM Find your way to the State Library Ballroom for the launch of the fourth issue of AMPERSAND MAGAZINE. Hosted by avid reader Jennifer Byrne of ABC Book Club fame, stick around for readings, drinkies and an arsenal of cheeses. FREE entry, mags $10.

WHENEVS Liam Gallagher will be 38 tomorrow. Bake him something or make him a hat? Probably a hat, he’s way into like tartan ‘n shit. TUE 10 20th THE LOVECHILD: DISCLAIMER RETRACTION Honi Soit is published by the Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney, O Alec Baldwin The editors and designers of Honi Soit Level 1 Wentworth Building, City Road, University of Sydney, NSW, 2006. The SRC’s Robert Downey Jr. operation costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of apologise for last week’s front cover. The Sydney. The editors of Honi Soit and the SRC acknowledge the traditional owners of George Lucas duck’s comment was supposed to read this land, the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Honi Soit is written, printed, and “QUACK QUACK quackquackquack QUACK distributed on Aboriginal land. Honi Soit is printed under the auspices of the SRC’s The old quack.” As KEEN EDITORS we are aware of directors of student publications: Pat Massarani, Rhys Pogonoski, Pierce Hartigan, the importance of emphasis. Alistair Stephenson and Meghan Bacheldor. All expressions are published on the basis that they are not to be regarded as the opinions of the SRC unless specifically uni rumour stated. The Council accepts no responsibility for the accuracy of any of the opinions or information contained within this newspaper, nor does it endorse any of the mill keeps advertisements and insertions. Honi Soit is printed by MPD. ADVERTISING: To advertise in Honi Soit, contact Tina Kao or Amanda LeMay a-spinning [email protected] www.src.usyd.edu.au THIS WEEK’S TEAM EDITOR IN DAMIEN LEITH: Shannon Connellan [STREET CR]EDITORS: Jacqueline Breen, Neada Bulseco, James Colley, Bridie Connell, Andy Fraser, 5 Julian Larnach, Michael Richardson, Laurence Rosier Staines, Tom Walker REPORTERS: Adam Chalmers, Shaun Crowe, John DAD JOKE OF THE WEEK: Allow us to Dunk, Paul Ellis, Max Halden, Samantha Hawker, What do you get when you Luke Martin, David Mulligan, Tim Scriven, Daniel introduce Zwi sit under a cow? your Band CONTRIBUTORS: F. Scott Dragon, Caitlin Griffith- A pat on the head! Pescet, Jack Gow, Samuel Levens, Joe Smith-Davies, Comp Yitzi Tuvel CRUCIVERBALIST: Jim Fishwick winners! COVER: Shannon “Gonzo As Fuck” Connellan HONEY SUAVE Ernest Hemingwhale, COMIC: Julian Larnach and Alessandro Tuniz Water, water, everywhere, ladies and gentlemen! and we should have sex! 6

Check HONI SOIT out our WEEK 8 ISSUE theatrical 14TH SEPTEMBER 2011 wrap up of CONTENTS Verge LETTERS THE PROFILE 04 Mail from the snail. 11 SHAUN CROWE profiles the Devine. No, not Jesus, Miranda. CAMPUS 14 05 ANDY FRASER and TIM SCRIVEN fix the leak in your bike wheel. ADAM CHALMERS begins his investigation into the great SciSoc theft. OPINION COMP The Opinion F. SCOTT DRAGON, PAUL ELLIS, JULIAN 12-15 The winners of the second annual Honi LARNACH AND DAVID MULLIGAN bring Opinion Comp are announced in these very comp results the revue season home. pages! There’s some pretty spectacular SHANNON CONNELLAN puts on writing, so check it out. are in, and sleepgloves to talk to Sydney Uni Band REBECCA SAFFIR, JOE SMITH-DAVIES, YITZI Comp winners Sleepyhands. TUVEL and SAMUEL LEVENS. boy are MEKELA PANDITHARATNE was Mooned in the Great Hall. Ban Ki, that is! our winners SPORT AND opinionated! NEWS 16 NONSENSE 07 DAN ZWI explores further answers after A tennis rundown with your game, the Malaysian Solution falls through. set, matchmaker LUKE MARTIN. JONATHAN DUNK goes through the week MAX HALDEN has an itch the London 12-15 that was. In paragraphs, that is. Olympics just can’t scratch. SAMANTHA HAWKER needs space. Outer space! SRC GRIBBLIES Miranda FARRAGO 17 Just like Pokemon, you’ve got to read them Divine 08 DREW ROOKE takes us to mystical Mount Marapi. all. But you can get through life pretty okay SHAMI SIVASUBRAMANIAN helps you without it. talks to find the perfect partner for that pesky group assignment. Honi JAMES O’DOHERTY on student housing. CRYPTONOMICON LAURENCE ROSIER STAINES has a 20 beginning, a middle and an end. THE ARTS BIT 10 JACK GOW is sky high, he’s ... he’s sky high. Apparently a jester must cry with CAITLIN Better 15 GRIFFITH-PESCET? omesand Garter. NEADA BULSECO didn’t watch Alien versus H Creditors. REBECCA SAFFIR checks out Newtown’s latest addition to its small bar buffet. ? If you have any thoughts or comments on anything in this issue of Honi Soit, please write to us at: honi.soit@ src.usyd.edu.au THE EDITORIAL

letters From The Voltaire

The vessel was a total wreck. Everyone was busily employed, but nobody could be either heard or obeyed. James the Anabaptist, Opinions. being upon deck, lent a helping hand as Ah, who needs ‘em? well as the rest, when a brutish sailor gave Damn soapboxes cloggin’ him a blow and laid him speechless; but, up all the walkways, with their not withstanding, with the violence of the beards and their “things to say”, blow the tar himself tumbled headforemost their “listen ups” and “see heres”. It overboard, and fell upon a piece of the takes a strong mouth to deliver a strong broken mast, which he immediately grasped. opinion. You’ve got to have your facts in your pocket, your research on call and if you Honest James, forgetting the injury he had want to walk the walk you’d better be ready to so lately received from him, flew to his turn a flipping sweet phrase. assistance, and, with great difficulty, hauled him in again, but, not withstanding, in the There are those who can blast an opinion down attempt, was, by a sudden jerk of the ship, a corridor louder than the rest of us, a blast thrown overboard himself, in sight of the very of unwarranted wind nobody asked for but fellow whom he had risked his life to save everybody has to deal with. There are those ready and who took not the least notice of him in to undermine you for the sake of it, crafting an this distress. Candide, who beheld all that argument from a mindtank not of their own. passed and saw his benefactor one moment Those foxes. rising above water, and the next swallowed up by the merciless waves, was preparing to Often opinions are quashed by bigger boots. jump after him, but was prevented by the Truths are not heard, perspectives prevented from philosopher Pangloss, who demonstrated to preachery. We are a lucky bunch whose ability to Watching new tickets run for Honi this year him that the roadstead of Lisbon had been poster online, printed and conversational walls with we were reminded of our own passions for made on purpose for the Anabaptist to be self indulgent opinion is not censored. the paper, many of which revolve around drowned there. While he was proving his Build-A-Bear™. argument a priori, the ship foundered, and Every week in Honi we high-five and encourage the whole crew perished, except Pangloss, opinion writing; in particular the pages of Farrago In the first week of our campaign last year we Candide, and the sailor who had been the exist as a weekly home to argument. Each year, had a suggestion book. The only suggestion means of drowning the good Anabaptist. we also give the sha-weetest of the opinion pieces placed in this book was for Honi to have a The villain swam ashore; but Pangloss and some tasty moolah for their staunch stances. This ‘Build-A-Bear’ section, allowing a bear to be Candide reached the land upon a plank. year marks the second run of the annual Honi Soit constructed from each successive piece over a Opinion Competition, an initiative established period of weeks. by the well-dressed editorial team of 2010 and a As the election wore on, Build-A-Bear became FROM THE VOLTA generous, mysterious donor with a penchant for a central part of our platform. We have not supporting student writing. This week’s Honi marks forgotten why we are here. the announcement of the ultra-rad-uber-gnarly- gangbusters winner, along with the winners of the So far you have seen and cut out the left category prizes. We had a jolly ol’ time with the arm, the chest and the head from issues 2, submissions, not only for the reading party that 4 and 12. On this page you will find the left ensued after the deadline, but due to the opinions leg. Slowly but surely, as this year rushes to we formed over opinion writing itself in discussion. a climax, the bear is coming together. Stay Yeah. Freakin’ meta, am I right? Flip to the middle strong. Stay vigilant. And build that bear. The pages of this issue for a) COLOURS and b) this year’s winner will receive Fantastic Prizes. winning submission and the cat-winners. Ladies and gentlemen, the first annual Build- Quite simply, It takes a ripping set of rhino A-Bear™ is all happening. balustrades to stand by your guns and put an opinion out there. So here goes: Human Nature is the best pop group FROM THE VOLTORB Australia has ever seen. A real letter. It’s real! And likes us. Also real. There, I said it. Dear Honi, Shoot your opinions through the eyes of a laser cat. Deliver them express with a whimsical May I just say you have been a rather excellent postage stamp. Discuss, listen, debate. Who needs publication this year. I’m particularly fond of soapboxes? Soap do. SOAP DO. your crosswords and the fact that you haven’t yet made a mistake in the sudoku. Keep up the good work! :) Shannon “Gonzo As Fuck” Connellan Chloe Paul Arts/Science IV 4 " SCISOC ROBBED ANDYHoniLeaks FRASER and TIM SCRIVEN wade through campus ADAM CHALMERS doesn’t want your money. happenings and glitter. Just alot of glitter. He wants your love. Well Verge Festival was amazing. It had piggy-backed its way into vacuum Two weeks ago roughly $3000 was and office are locked, very few people came and went far too quickly but sealed labs on unsuspecting science stolen from SciSoc, the USyd Science would be capable of stealing money from was spectacularly sparkly while lit. If students. Unfortunately, the event had Society. The theft was discovered by a SciSoc, let alone twice. The police have you’re still not quite sure what Verge to be shut down, and we may have SciSoc executive on August the 29th. He no comment to make at this time. is, then think back to the last two ruined any chance we’ll ever have informed the USU immediately. Police are weeks when you were riding that pony, of time travel. currently investigating the incident. The theft leaves Scisoc in an unenviable dancing your way around laser beams,

position. This year, no new sponsorship or exercising a horrendous rock face campus The money was stolen from a locked deals were secured and events weren’t as in a clear and starry tent. You may In the last SRC meeting a few decisions SciSoc cashbox which had been secured successful as they’d hoped, so the society have also noticed that your Eastern were made that might concern ya’all. in the locked SciSoc office. While SciSoc has already been running on a smaller Avenue was invaded by ten radly clad Chad Sidler (not pictured), everyone’s keeps most of their money in a bank budget than usual. shipping crates. Then you may have favourite general secretary, kept account, the theft took place just a week noticed the excessive amounts of his position and his pay. Liberal and “If it hadn’t been for the USU’s generous after Buckyball, the society’s yearly glitter surrounding one of these crates. Labor aligned councillors worked donations to us in both semester one formal dinner and major revenue-raiser. Well this square bully got SHUT DOWN together, united at last in their mutual and two (because we’re a large faculty Most of the stolen cash was money from TOWN. Various students decided defence of a member of the hard society), we would almost certainly Buckyball ticket sales. to play dodgeball, just your average right liberals, who by all accounts be bankrupt now,” said Felix Marsh- game of dodgeball. Maybe replace has done next to nothing all year. The rest of the stolen money came from Wakefield, SciSoc’s treasurer. ‘dodge’ with ‘aggressively basking in’, Estimated cost: 800 smackeroos. SciSoc’s bookstore profits. As a society for and ‘ball’ with ‘50 kilos of glitter’. As SciSoc does a lot of important work for Less felicitously for the established science students, SciSoc buys and sells fun as aggressively basking in 50 kilos science students. It holds a camp for first- factions, a motion was passed ‘closing’ second-hand science textbooks, helping of glitter is, there’s little denying how years to meet each other and runs free the campus — that means that only students get around the occasionally gloriously annoying the stuff is. And as BBQs for members every two weeks. It students from USyd can campaign exorbitant cost of the encyclopaedic the all penetrating showers of invading also donates a large amount of its profits (However, because of a feature of tomes they’re expected to buy. glitter swept across the campus in to charities like the University’s Science our SRC’s regulations, this decision a wave of complete destruction, an This isn’t the first time SciSoc’s been Outreach Program and medical research will only apply next year). This hurts unsuspecting victim raised its voice. stolen from. Earlier this year, around groups. Investigations will continue into the party based factions who often $500 was stolen from the same cashbox the theft. The Physics department had to put a bring campaigners in from outside of in the same office. As both the cashbox stop to the destruction as the glitter the university, sometimes even from other states. UN SEC-GEN VISITS USYD THE SPENCE IS TOO DAMN HIGH! Ban Ki Moon touched down last week, and MEKELA LAURENCE ROSIER STAINES and ANDY FRASER fight PANDITHARATNE was there for the landing. tha power and clear a few things up.

“The moment I stepped onto this campus A vocal champion of R2P, or the In Issue 17 this year, Honi Soit reported that Spence was, in fact, referring it was clear that this is the place - the ‘responsibility to protect’, Secretary the dismissal by University Vice- to the forging of receipts (which we educational institution - that will produce General Ban was quick to claim the Chancellor Michael Spence of USU had previously reported as common the future leaders of our world.” It was intervention in Libya as one of the recent Board Directors Alistair Stephenson and knowledge in Honi Issue 4). Our decision unclear exactly to what Ban Ki Moon successes of the United Nations. The Ben Tang. The elephant in the room was to not publish Spence’s ambiguous was referring; perhaps he had seen people of Libya, he said, had “legitimate this: why were they removed so late letter was somewhat undermined, some unwitting first years decked out in aspirations” to secure a better future. in the game, considering that they had however, when the letter found its way Verge glitter and thought it fabulously Their leadership had failed them. already been penalised for their actions to the Sydney Uni official newsletter enterprising, or was labouring under the relating to the election (i.e. exceeding under the provocative heading mistaken impression that the psychedelic In fact, this idea of flawed and fallible the spending cap)? We floated the “The letter Honi Soit didn’t publish”. medley of campaign shirts was a leadership— that the whole is often possibility that their removal was a Mercy, mercy we, where to begin? colourful tribute to multiculturalism better than the sum of its parts— was strategic move by Dr Spence in light of First, we clearly did not omit the letter or queer solidarity. a theme that meandered throughout the Uni-USU negotiations. Secretary General Ban’s speech. He out of spite or embarrassment; when Yet from the starry-eyed expressions urged Australia to lead the way on Having attempted to contact Dr Spence we make mistakes (and we do), we of students in the Great Hall, it was at climate change “for your own good as in the past and been continually admit them, particularly when they least evident that to prosaic Government well as that of that of the planet.” Those rebuffed when seeking points of are serious (which this is). However, majors and poetic humanitarians alike, who would not take action because clarification, we —possibly too we like to be sure that they are, in the Secretary General of the United others were not are misguided. pessimistically—did not seek comment fact, mistakes. And try though we Nations was an intellectual superstar. from him before going to print with that did, Honi has found no independent Ever humble, and ever so flattering, article. Mea culpa. corroboration of the claim that Exuding a quiet charisma and a subtle Secretary-General Ban concluded Stephenson and Tang were dismissed confidence that could steer a diplomatic his speech by borrowing the words Upon seeing the article, Spence sent for conduct after the election unrelated ship through the greatest of geopolitical of the first President of the Security us a letter which he later reprinted in to spending caps. That is, unless Dr storms, Ban Ki Moon’s only Australian Council, Australian Norman Makin. the Sydney Uni e-Newsletter. In it he Spence is being particularly fastidious; speech was delivered to over 500 “Cooperation rests on the will of the decried our decision not to consult technically the forging of receipts students and guests at the University of people of the world to work for peace. him and claimed that there were was conduct that occurred after the Sydney on Thursday 8 September. A real will to peace must spring not “significant inaccuracies at almost every election—and we assume this is what from fear, but from positive faith in the point” of the article; most centrally, Confidence has waned in the United he was referring to—but it would be brotherhood of men.” apparently Stephenson and Tang were rather misleading to suggest that this Nations; the “toothless tiger” axiom is dismissed for conduct “subsequent” often applied to its perceived impotence. “In other words, in people; in nations particular conduct was not related to the elections, and not for reasons to the spending cap breaches, when But last week Secretary General Ban united; in you and me.” that were “based upon a breach or eschewed meaningless rhetoric, and they are clearly part of the very same It remains to be seen alleged breach by either of them of the causal chain. provided students with a clear and ‘spending cap rules’.” considered deliberation on the major whether Ban Ki Moon’s brand new Sydney Therefore, taking Dr Spence at his word, issues facing the international community Needless to say, this came as news to the cause for Tang and Stephenson’s in the 21st century. University hoodie will us and we requested clarification from grace the headquarters removal must have been something the VC. He was unwilling to provide else. But no one knows what that Sassy bursts of pragmatism punctuated of the United Nations it, and instead re-emphasised the his idealism. With linguistic panache to anytime soon. something else is, with the exception of newsworthiness of a statement from Dr Spence who is tight-lipped about it. rival the most practiced of poets, Ban him in the first place, being the man proved to be quite the master of the responsible for the decision to remove But then ... why the sensationalism? metaphor, comparing diplomacy to rugby. Stephenson and Tang. This is perhaps WHY THE SENSATIONALISM? VC “In rugby you lose your teeth,” he said, fair (if somewhat obtuse). CAUGHT IN SEX(Y) SCANDAL! BUT “but in diplomacy you lose your face.” WHICH VC?! AND WHICH SCANDAL?? After consulting Stephenson and USU Half Moon! prez Sibella Matthews, we concluded !!!!!!1 5 " ARTS SCIENCE QUEER REVUE MED COMMERCE campus REVIEW L AW ENGINEERING EDUCATIONARCHITECTURE AND SOCIAL WORK COMMERCE REVUE: ECONOMY OF ERRORS JULIAN LAMBRACH was pleasantly surprised. DAVID VON WELSEYBERG was not impressed. I entered the 2011 Commerce Revue, found it offesnsive as it glorified terrorism, Economy of Errors tanked, hard. Sketches reworking (a sketch that failed completely Economy of Errors, warily for two reasons. the same argument could be made about failed and the crowd turned on the at Revues launch), it was probably in the Firstly, any revue that takes ‘comedy’ out the Genghis Kahn sketch as it glorified performers less than halfway into the extremely offensive rap celebrating Al Qaeda. of the title is surely off to a bad start. pillaging. first act. The cast was clearly tight and Secondly, the Revue’s longest running polished; the same could not be said for But there is good to say. It would be cast member, Ian Ferrington, was now This isn’t to say that all the sketches any sketch, song or voiceover. This was a criminal to not mention arguably the at the shows steering wheel: it could worked. The Magic 8 Ball sketch kept going show that needed another week, but not best revue band of the season, who go a lot of ways. to no funny avail. Some sketches would’ve for rehearsing. This show needed another delivered numbers like ‘Thomas the Tank worked better if they were shorter. Some week of writing and editing. Engine’ and ‘Party Rock Anthem’ to a Co-director Marina Currie, a MUSE would’ve worked better if they didn’t end very appreciative crowd. Both cast and mainstay, brought a new level of Broadway with a bear chasing everyone off stage Not a single sketch recieved a finishing choreographers deserve full credit for the round of applause. The hecklers demanded best choreography I have seen all year. theatricality into the bigger musical The band was amazing. There are no words punchlines—and it was difficult not to Talented vocalists and an energetic cast numbers including ‘The Women of to describe how incredible they were. sympathise. I don’t remember a single truly deserved laughter and appreciation, Shakespeare Cell Block Tango’. Band leader Luke Liang deserves many punchline. In many cases I don’t even and it is a shame that the writing quality many things. My favorite sketch was a Hilltop Hoods remember the joke that was being told. I prohibited a positive audience response. satire of Osama Bin Laden. The writing The fundamental curse of Revues remains do remember being bored, confused and was exceptional, the performance spot the fluctuating quality of sketches: from offended. I don’t remember at what point One hopes that this year’s cast sticks around on but my favourite part was the fact funny to flat, from boring to mild. The 2011 I started wondering what the directors next year. If they bring the same energy and it wasn’t necessary to don fake wigs, Commerce Revue moved from funny to were thinking—but if it wasn’t when I saw commitment to performing and creating beards and robes: the writing was solid entertaining. Even though some sketches the magic 8-ball sketch return without next year’s show, Commerce Revue will no enough to uphold the sketch without weren’t funny they were still performed doubt bounce back. tasteless acoutrements. Some people with gusto. QUEER REVUE: the queen DAVID MULLIGAN got his Disney on. Long live The Queen, reckons PAUL ELLIS. The Queer Revue didn’t ooze with there (the suggestion of a sperm bank This year’s Queer Revue was a highly jobs for gays: gynaecologist; “I’m afraid pretention like some of the bigger revues donor drinking litres of man-juice was enjoyable affair. An incredibly well- you have a vagina” and the various Disney but instead sparkled its way into my heart probably my favourite); however, this did produced show, the revue featured a princesses skits. of stone. Its bread and butter comedy not preclude the odd social commentary series of effectively executed gay jokes. wasn’t just niche in-jokes that required from creeping into the mix. The Mary Although some of these were rehashes If there is criticism to be made of The a complex understanding of Greek Poppins-inspired ‘Acronym Song’ was of jokes that have been done before, Queen it’s that it was neither as queer nor mythology or an in-depth knowledge of the best example, with Liz Mulhall taking they were performed well. The show also subversive as it could have been. While the obita dicta in Chief Justice French’s the audience on a magical journey involved a remarkably well-acted central admittedly very well done and clever within judgement in the fifth Mabo case. Instead through the vast new world of sexual storyline based around an up-and-coming itself, the main story line didn’t break any the revue based itself on good wholesome orientation acronyms that have emerged in drag queen’s quest to save Oxford Street ground in terms of subject matter. It’d be comedy that everyone can enjoy, like recent years. from the wicked witch ‘Victoria Bitter’. great one year to see a central storyline turning classic Disney show tunes into Pop-culture allusions to Rocky and Star about drag kings for a change. Such a songs about gender reassignment surgery My favourite part was the revue’s central Wars (“Use the faux’s!”) made the central notion still unfortunately seems a long way and deconstructing fairytales to prove narrative, aLord of the Rings/Star Wars/ plotline easy to access and enjoyable. off. The few times the revue did involve how almost all of your favourite bed time Rocky-inspired story that followed the ploys non-mainstream queer identity jokes, they characters are flaming homos (their words of ‘Victoria Bitter’ (an evil Wicked Witch Outside of the main storyline, it did a were disappointingly conservative and on not mine). of the West character) as she tried to rule good job of not letting jokes drag and occasion homophobic. That said, The Queen Oxford Street as a cruel tyrant. Like all great while there was the occasional miss, still managed to excite and endear. The cast As a large portion of the show’s humour stories it had highs, lows and a bitchin’ Lady (paedophilic Woody Allen was just too and crew deserve considerable props if for was based on shock value, there were Gaga dance-off at the close that damn near creepy) by and large skits delivered. no other reason than that they delivered an dabbles of squeamish jokes here and brought a tear to my eye. Personal favourites include inappropriate extremely well-polished and professionally executed production. SLEEPYHANDS TAKE BAND COMP CROWN USyd’s Band Comp winners share a nightcap with SHANNON CONNELLAN. Sydney Uni band Sleepyhands have taken has become one of Sleepyhands’ biggest gear, plus friends, girlfriends, wives, has that while Sleepyhands are not directly out the top spot at this year’s Band Comp drawcards, as their large band population been very interesting. It’s normally a convoy influenced by Boulet’s sound, he’s on the Final held at Manning Bar on Thursday and optimistic tune content makes for quite of cars, so being well-versed in Tetris helps same wavelength. “He definitely gets our 1 September. The seven-piece snatched the hootenanny. “Live we tend to go through for packing.” sound, knows where we’re coming from and the coveted crown from fellow finalists tambourines like popcorn. One time it kind translates it onto a recording. His attitude The Evergreen Trail, Black Springs, Push/ of exploded and the whole crowd gasped,” Sleepyhands’ self-titled EP released last toward music, especially in supporting local Pull, Annie McKinnon and Sleep Debt. says Sleepyhand Tim Adamson. year was written before the band had fully bands is something we admire and aspire to, Dominating at Sydney Uni Band Comp is formed, or had even played live together but I wouldn’t really call him an influence on quite the prestigious trophy and has proved The large majority of Sleepyhands found as a band. The five-track debut is a joyous our musical style.” a springboard for countless success stories each other in the old schoolyard or jaunt through beautifully arranged tales, with past winners including The Vines, Cloud skateboard around Sydney’s Hills District with a notable highlight the epic singalong With an EP under their belt and a $2500 Band Control, kyü and Josh Pyke. where the group hail from. Formed by ‘Our Fathers’. Ever since this release the Comp novelty cheque firmly in their paws, friends Tim Adamson and Matt Bond, Sydneysiders have spent the last year what’s on the agenda for Sleepyhands? “We’ll Sydney Uni septet Sleepyhands gained these two music-driven magpies started defining their sound while supporting the we’re just about to start recording and have popularity after their appearance in a Shoot collecting musical minds, gathering Christine likes of Strange Talk, Jinja Safari, Deep Sea a couple of shows coming up in October, The Player film, an initiative which saw Hazelwood, Matt Hogan, Tim Watkins, Sarah Arcade, Holly Throsby and Ernest Ellis around supporting both Dead Letter Chorus and known artists playing in unconventional Adamson and Blake Nuto for their nest. With the Sydney and Melbourne circuit. Sealion for both of their sweet releases. Then places in 2010. Sarah Blasko played at the seven people in this merry band, life seems we plan to finish our recording and perhaps Illustrated Man tattoo parlour, Lightspeed to be one big ol extended family dinner for Sleepyhands’ EP and upcoming debut LP head interstate, and make some new friends.” Champion played in an adult shop on Oxford Sleepyhands. “Even band practice is a bit are both produced by Sydney music mind, Keep an eye on this not-so-Sleepyhanded Street, while Sleepyhands played on pots of a shindig!” says Adamson. “In the past Parades member and fellow Hills resident seven, they’re just about the nicest newbies 6 and pans at Northmead Dam. Performing traveling interstate with seven people, plus Jonathan Boulet. Adamson maintains in town and won’t be napping anytime soon. E News In QUEER Why the High Court’s Malaysia Decision matters. Briefs DANIEL ZWI on a dissolving solution. JON DUNK writes breaking news in his boxers. Refugee activists have celebrated the High Court’s rejection and puts back on the table—at least in theory—the In response to the High Court’s ruling that the of the Malaysia Solution as a triumph for social justice prospect of processing all asylum seekers in Australia. Government’s proposed ‘Malaysian Solution’ in Australia. Tony Abbott celebrated it as another nail in Indeed, the Greens have said that they will vote down in represents an unconstitutional breach of the Labor’s coffin. People smugglers celebrated it, according the Senate any bill providing for offshore processing. The migration act, the PM is now negotiating with to the government, as signaling a surge in business. Yet upshot of this is that if the Gillard government wants an the Coalition and the Greens to amend the law. it seems only Abbott’s joy is well-founded. The decision offshore solution, any legislation must have the support of “I want to see the people smugglers’ business reworking (a sketch that failed completely is likely to delay an offshore processing solution rather the Coalition to ensure its passage through parliament. model smashed,” said Gillard. The move places at Revues launch), it was probably in the than prevent one; as long as persecution persists in the the Federal Opposition in the difficult position extremely offensive rap celebrating Al Qaeda. third world people smugglers will get their fair share of Considering Labor’s commitment to offshore processing, it of choosing between the free market and looks as though Gillard and Abbott will have to negotiate But there is good to say. It would be customers, irrespective of the current state of Australia’s xenophobia. See the article to the left for more. mangled migration policy. an agreed amendment to the Migration Act. Abbott says criminal to not mention arguably the that he will not support any amendment allowing for the best revue band of the season, who The High Court’s ruling revolved around the interpretation removal of refugees to a country that is not a signatory President Obama has unveiled the American delivered numbers like ‘Thomas the Tank of section 198(A) of the Migration Act, which outlines to the UN Refugee Convention. Unless Malaysia adopts Jobs Act, a $447bn stimulus package aimed at Engine’ and ‘Party Rock Anthem’ to a the criteria that any country needs to meet before the this convention it seems that Labor must choose between assisting the struggling US economy. The plan very appreciative crowd. Both cast and executive can validly permit them to process asylum legislating with the Coalition towards Nauru and onshore included $140bn devoted to major infrastructure choreographers deserve full credit for the seekers. Those criteria are that the country in question processing. Gillard, for her part, claims that Nauru is not projects that could provide employment for best choreography I have seen all year. provides effective procedures for processing asylum an effective deterrent because it is widely known that hundreds of thousands of Americans. The Talented vocalists and an energetic cast seekers, that it provides protection to asylum seekers most boat people processed there under the Howard official unemployment figure currently stands at truly deserved laughter and appreciation, pending that processing, and that it provides protection government ended up in Australia. fourteen million, but analysts estimate the actual and it is a shame that the writing quality to asylum seekers that are granted refugee status pending figure could be twice as large. prohibited a positive audience response. their resettlement elsewhere. I can’t shake the feeling that asylum seekers are unfamiliar news with the nuances of Australian refugee policy. It is deeply One hopes that this year’s cast sticks around The main question for the court was how adherence to implausible that people fleeing from places like Burma or next year. If they bring the same energy and these criteria is determined. Is it enough—as Immigration Afghanistan know where those processed in Nauru under The Craig Thomson scandal has snowballed commitment to performing and creating Minister Chris Bowen argued—that those protections Howard wound up—or know who John Howard or Julia into the Health Union scandal, which is rapidly next year’s show, Commerce Revue will no would be afforded to asylum seekers in Malaysia in Gillard or Tony Abbott are, for that matter; they have more escalating into the ALP scandal. The cloisters of doubt bounce back. practice? Or do there have to be substantive laws in place pressing things on their mind, such as fleeing for their the NSW right continue to disgorge ever darker guaranteeing such protections? The court decided that lives from persecution by despots in their home countries. signs of avarice, cupidity, tribalism and arrogance, both are necessary: it is the responsibility of the Australian Nauru, Papua New Guinea, Malaysia: same shit, different and everyone continues to be surprised. government to ensure that Malaysian laws protecting smell. Asylum seekers are going to come here regardless. asylum seekers exist and that they are in fact enforced. What is a deterrent—a big, big fuck-off deterrent—is the Heavily armed police have stormed a legal office Unfortunately for the government, they could prove ocean itself, and the prospect of crossing it in a tiny boat in jobs for gays: gynaecologist; “I’m afraid in Parramatta, bringing an end to an 11 hour neither. Bowen maintained that Malaysia was “keen to order to reach Australia. This is why the number of asylum siege. A 52 year-old man has been remanded you have a vagina” and the various Disney improve its treatment of refugees and asylum seekers,” seekers arriving in Australia is so negligible, and why it is so princesses skits. in custody. The allegedly mentally ill Orange however he failed to show that sufficient protections exist bewildering that the topic comprises such a huge part of resident had demanded $4500 and access to at present. Furthermore, because Australia’s deal with our national discourse. If news of the Australian settlement If there is criticism to be made of The a barrister. The ‘hostage’, who turned out to Malaysia is not legally binding, and because Malaysia is of Nauru refugees reached those waiting to depart from be the twelve year old daughter of the man in Queen it’s that it was neither as queer nor not a signatory to the UN Refugee Convention, there is Malaysia, as the government implies, then news of boats subversive as it could have been. While custody, has since told Seven News “He didn’t an absence of laws protecting asylum seekers sent there. being smashed against the rocks on Christmas Island keep me hostage, I wanted to stay.” According admittedly very well done and clever within While section 198(A) remains in its current form, the last December certainly did. People who come here are itself, the main story line didn’t break any to police the man posed a “significant risk” Malaysia solution is simply illegal. obviously desperate. One can only hope that Gillard to the community and demonstrated a “well- ground in terms of subject matter. It’d be and Abbott hate each other too much to agree to a great one year to see a central storyline The High Court’s decision is important because it casts into orchestrated plan”. During the incident a window Migration Act amendment, and a policy involving onshore and two floral vases were broken. about drag kings for a change. Such a doubt the legality of other offshore processing destinations processing prevails. notion still unfortunately seems a long way off. The few times the revue did involve non-mainstream queer identity jokes, they were disappointingly conservative and on occasion homophobic. That said, The Queen NEW PAPER PREPARES US FOR ALIENS still managed to excite and endear. The cast SAMANTHA HAWKER sees little green people as new research trades an ‘if’ for a ‘when’. and crew deserve considerable props if for no other reason than that they delivered an The prospect of a one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple Although SETI was originally considered to be an is used to calculate the possibility of extraterrestrial extremely well-polished and professionally people eater descending on earth in the hope of joining organisation of swindlers and quacks, it is now civilisations, based on the premise that the perfect executed production. a rock ‘n’ roll band has had extraterrestrial skeptics benefitting from the scientific community’s more conditions in which our own life managed to flourish, rolling their eyes for decades. However a paper from open-minded approach to the existence of aliens. In or what is otherwise known as ‘The Goldilocks Zone’, Shawn Domagal-Goldman from NASA’s Planetary 1998 NASA established an astrobiology institute to will inevitably have happened again within the Milky Science Division and Seth Baum and Jacob Haqq-Misra co-ordinate with the work of SETI in researching the Way and other galaxies. While there is considerable from the Pennsylvania State University exemplifies a origins, evolution and distribution of life within the disagreement on the parameters used within the that while Sleepyhands are not directly shift in thinking, with the possibility of extraterrestrial universe. Similarly, the co-founder of Microsoft Paul equation, Drake’s estimates were that there should be influenced by Boulet’s sound, he’s on the intelligence now being given due scientific consideration. Allen donated a hefty US $25 million to SETI between one technological civilisation per million stars within The same wavelength. “He definitely gets our 2001 and 2003 to assist with the construction of Milky Way. Dr Karl agrees with this equation stating, “the sound, knows where we’re coming from and The paper, titled ‘Would Contact with Extraterrestrials their own telescope array. Designed using cutting- likelihood of finding a Goldilocks Zone is overwhelming.” translates it onto a recording. His attitude Benefit or Harm Humanity? A Scenario Analysis’ edge technology, this array increased the efficiency toward music, especially in supporting local considers various scenarios that may occur ‘if’ of SETI’s targeted searching by at least a 100 times. SETI requires a gargantuan amount of computational bands is something we admire and aspire to, —though the paper hints that it is much more of a resources but has come up with a mastermind plan to but I wouldn’t really call him an influence on ‘when’—humans make contact with aliens. The contact Everybody’s favourite scientist Dr Karl Kruszelnicki, save on both expenses and time. Now, anyone with a our musical style.” scenarios considered in the paper are divided into three renowned for his popular science talkback show computer can help with the search for aliens by going basic categories based on whether the consequences on Triple J, believes that the SETI Institute’s search to the SETI@home website and installing a screensaver. With an EP under their belt and a $2500 Band would be beneficial, neutral or harmful for humanity. for extraterrestrial intelligence is a worthwhile This screensaver downloads a packet of SETI radio signals Comp novelty cheque firmly in their paws, Reflecting on the steadily growing attempts to transmit mission for the future. “Aliens are very good at and uses the spare cycles of an idle computer to process what’s on the agenda for Sleepyhands? “We’ll messages to extraterrestrial intelligence, the paper making themselves hidden to us and also very good the frequencies in the hope of deciphering an intelligent we’re just about to start recording and have presents ways for humanity to prepare for possible at making themselves known to people who live in signal from outer space. SETI@home is an infinitely a couple of shows coming up in October, contact and increase the probability of a favourable outcome. caravans and drink lots of beer,” he says. “Unlike the more worthwhile activity for your sleeping computer to supporting both Dead Letter Chorus and people who live in caravan parks and drink lots of participate in than ‘Arabesque’ or ‘Forest’ and you even Sealion for both of their sweet releases. Then The search for aliens began in 1960 when astronomer beers I have 0% proof that aliens exist. However I get to see the work in progress. Purple people look out, we plan to finish our recording and perhaps Frank Drake conducted the first microwave radio 100% still believe that they do.” we’ll be seeing that one-horned, one-eyed alien rocking head interstate, and make some new friends.” search for signals from outer space. This occasion also it out on a TV show any day now. Keep an eye on this not-so-Sleepyhanded marked the origin of SETI (The Search for Extraterrestrial Dr Karl founds his belief on a mathematical means seven, they’re just about the nicest newbies Intelligence), a not-for-profit organisation devoted to established by the founding father of SETI Frank 7 in town and won’t be napping anytime soon. exploring the prevalence of life within the universe. Drake. Known as The Drake Equation, this formula Mount Merapi is the alpha-male of the volcanoes of the volcanoes is the alpha-male Merapi Mount of Java, landscape the mountainous dominating old bustling Indonesia’s over Indonesia. It towers be one of the to and is considered Yogyakarta, capital, of world. The ‘mountain in the volcanoes active most 2010 when it to its name in October true lived fire’ deaths hundred three over causing viciously, erupted despite Yet regions. of surrounding and the destruction holds a special place in the hearts its deadliness Merapi on its slopes. Elaborate who reside of the villagers to offerings give held each July to are ceremonies with the culminate These ceremonies the volcano. ascending of the mountainside. watch I at dawn, cart outside a small coffee Standing the base of the at gather of villagers as hundreds with an elderly man who I begin talking mountain. deadly of respecting me on the importance educates and mercy, protection for “pray – they of nature forces Said with such sincerity, Merapi.” to thanks and give the people that the deep connection realise to I start with the volcano. slopes have on Merapi’s who live The men wear dressed. is elaborately Everyone patterned shirts, intricately Javanese traditional decorative and carry headdresses, ‘blangkon’ sarongs, in a basic black adorn themselves women the daggers; Indonesian blouse) and sarongs, traditional (a ‘kebaya’ filled with pink and white baskets with some carrying neckpiece with white red and woven The petals. flower all, unifies the people. by worn blue threads, in appears as Merapi changes The atmosphere rises Smoke of this spiritual day. the morning light and sharing of chatting its peak and the casual from and for, respect The villagers’ stops. cigarettes ‘kretek’ more even becomes with, the mountain connection I English-Indonesian conversation The broken apparent. as he prematurely with the elderly man ends am having Merapi. face himself and turns to excuses politely in the as the destruction down coffee I put my of Merapi sight My first apparent. becomes landscape intimidating. are eruption recent of the and the effects with volcanic the mountainside, dominates Greyness been have area – while the huts the carpeting ash still which line the slopes remain trees clean, most swept of ash. a thick layer by and held down dead, dusty Travel to an Indonesian volcano with DREW ROOKE. an Indonesian volcano to Travel

Java’s Mystical Java’s Mystical Mountain

some different books. different some some different books. different some

then it might be wise to start reading reading start to wise be might it then

rather than a choose-your-own adventure adventure choose-your-own a than rather

but if your narrative is a grand tragedy tragedy grand a is narrative your if but

might not be able to do that all the time, time, the all that do to able be not might

and future and live in the moment. We We moment. the in live and future and

we are happiest when we ignore the past past the ignore we when happiest are we

news sources report every few years that that years few every report sources news

few years after finishing uni (idiots). Most Most (idiots). uni finishing after years few

one has to do ‘the corporate thing’ for a a for thing’ corporate ‘the do to has one

once your last relationship ended, and no no and ended, relationship last your once

you didn’t have to react the way you did did you way the react to have didn’t you

Amy Winehouse didn’t have to die at 27, 27, at die to have didn’t Winehouse Amy

cheat us out of the richness of life. of richness the of out us cheat

inevitably ascribe to ourselves can swiftly swiftly can ourselves to ascribe inevitably

and stubbornness with the stories we we stories the with stubbornness and

and it is worth realising that inflexibility inflexibility that realising worth is it and

or not it’s my narrative is another story, story, another is narrative my it’s not or

of some narrative that I like. Whether Whether like. I that narrative some of

as that is, in some way it is still a part part a still is it way some in is, that as

to marry a Flamenco dancer and, as silly silly as and, dancer Flamenco a marry to

else. When I was in high school I wanted wanted I school high in was I When else.

inclined to distrust it or call it something something it call or it distrust to inclined

of emotion, so if it creeps up on us we are are we us on up creeps it if so emotion, of

happen all at once in a turbulent melee melee turbulent a in once at all happen

may want the love-of-our-lives thing to to thing love-of-our-lives the want may

and wild, then middle-aged and rich. We We rich. and middle-aged then wild, and

our own. We probably want to be young young be to want probably We own. our

We all have trajectories that we want as as want we that trajectories have all We importance that it in no way deserves. deserves. way no in it that importance JAMES O’DOHERTY checks in in checks O’DOHERTY JAMES houses. boarding Sydney on narratives out ofnarratives things. community barbeques, as well as other social as well barbeques, community “This lives. residents’ is improve to events community—a house for a boarding essential says community,” of a sense sense of identity, of recreation. sense of some form “A Philips. and “These with family bridges burnt people have enjoy to the freedom don’t have friends, and they his clienteles’ increased have The programs life.” months two-to-three of just an average from stay “When I first years. two-to-three one of just to country,” world a third to coming like it was started in had people rotting admits. “I literally Phillips addiction.” and alcohol their beds with gangrene out spoken have themselves and lodgers Boarders to BCS. speaking confidentially about their plight, night. every screaming and arguments are] “[There the place and the people. It’s on edge. It puts you Meanwhile be there.” to not want you It makes to the seen as beneficial not are the managers and being financially motivated often process, house boarding “[The] themselves. troubled saying toilets, fix the blocked wouldn’t manager claimed. resident a ‘it’ll that fix itself’,” seem. than it may systemic is more The problem the one house that only have operators “Most Dogs: they don’t make Dogs: they don’t

HALL OF OLDMAN!

Give him another ten years to live into his name. HONI OUT! Squeeee!

therefore still has some kind of patina of of patina of kind some has still therefore

Winehouse’s, but it is still a narrative and and narrative a still is it but Winehouse’s,

narratives as foolish, as we should Amy Amy should we as foolish, as narratives

ascribe to things. We might deride some some deride might We things. to ascribe

permitted by the narratives that we we that narratives the by permitted

respects it is justified by the context, context, the by justified is it respects

to me. But the problem is that in some some in that is problem the But me. to

the dumbest things anyone has ever said said ever has anyone things dumbest the

almost folkloric context, this is one of of one is this context, folkloric almost

Once this remark is divorced from the the from divorced is remark this Once

so that he could play the blues better. better. blues the play could he that so

planned to keep himself vaguely unhappy unhappy vaguely himself keep to planned

A musician I know once claimed that he he that claimed once know I musician A

our own arc. It is only natural. only is It arc. own our

sequel and a role for ourselves. We need need We ourselves. for role a and sequel

narrativisers need a prologue to life, a a life, to prologue a need narrativisers

a context. And life is not enough! We We enough! not is life And context. a

out of the need to put jarring events in in events jarring put to need the of out

sacrifice and redemption is constructed constructed is redemption and sacrifice

involving Adam and Eve, original sin, filial filial sin, original Eve, and Adam involving

knows nothing of chance.” So a narrative narrative a So chance.” of nothing knows

in the highest degree; a disciple’s love love disciple’s a degree; highest the in

meaningful, reasonable, reasonable reasonable reasonable, meaningful,

“Everything here had to be necessary, necessary, be to had here “Everything

idol to justify their own mental states: states: mental own their justify to idol

has just happened to their nascent nascent their to happened just has

have to somehow make sense of what what of sense make somehow to have

the immediate wake of the crucifixion— the of wake immediate the

psychology, where Jesus’ followers—in followers—in Jesus’ where psychology,

one compelling account of early Christian Christian early of account compelling one

In The Anti-Christ, Nietzsche provides provides Nietzsche Anti-Christ, The In

by an animal without a grasp of narrative. narrative. of grasp a without animal an by Religion could never have been crafted crafted been have never could Religion in March she said the litigation must be must she said the litigation in March

The problem runs deeper than this. Boarding than this. Boarding runs deeper The problem housing cost low providing in important are houses cannot or afford, cannot to those who options In this markets. rental the private negotiate, homelessness and housing, between zone twilight where of uncertainty in a halflife exist residents notice and with a moment’s be evicted may they of levels high to lead often living conditions where stress. psychological state for ran Byrne Fiona Marrickville Mayor for rights increasing on a policy of parliament Speaking with and lodgers. unlicensed boarders Honi tenancy act to the updates “Recent redrafted. so that’s and boarders hasn’t [sic] included tenants the has] let [the government where one example and afford least Those who can down. community no security around have rent pay to struggling are rights.” got no legal You’ve their accommodation. houses Community Services boarding Baptist rights, tenants’ helped raise have in Petersham standards raise to put in place programs putting owner and operator is the Phillips of living. Brett one hundred with around of Sea Berth Pty Ltd, he Petersham In houses nationwide. boarding weekly garden, a community has established

much weightier things, like life and death. death. and life like things, weightier much

out, and now they’re on Facebook!—and Facebook!—and on they’re now and out,

friend said they didn’t have time to hang hang to time have didn’t they said friend

narrativisation of mundane things—your things—your mundane of narrativisation

of emotion). This accounts for both the the both for accounts This emotion). of

the best explanation (and a healthy dose dose healthy a (and explanation best the

disconnected events using inference to to inference using events disconnected

narratives, hanging stories on potentially potentially on stories hanging narratives,

are thus hardwired to construct construct to hardwired thus are

that distinction using language. We We language. using distinction that

the only animals to intellectualise intellectualise to animals only the

past, present and future, and certainly certainly and future, and present past,

be conscious of the distinctions between between distinctions the of conscious be

Humans are probably the only animals to to animals only the probably are Humans

responsible for Winehouse’s death. Winehouse’s for responsible

a kind of tortured-artist narrative was was narrative tortured-artist of kind a

that a combination of narcissism and and narcissism of combination a that

doses. It is in no way a stretch to think think to stretch a way no in is It doses.

often seem to have it in much greater greater much in it have to seem often

megalomania, those in the public eye eye public the in those megalomania,

the rest of us to entertain a sort of inward inward of sort a entertain to us of rest the

media is making it easier and easier for for easier and easier it making is media

confused with autism. And while social social while And autism. with confused

are blurred and self-awareness can be be can self-awareness and blurred are

socially savvy to the point where lines lines where point the to savvy socially

that came as no surprise. Many of us are are us of Many surprise. no as came that

narcissism and hostility in popular music” music” popular in hostility and narcissism

“a statistically significant trend toward toward trend significant statistically “a

recently reported reported recently Times York New The

are an extremely arrogant generation; generation; arrogant extremely an are

mix of extroversion and introversion. We We introversion. and extroversion of mix

much of the western world—are a heady heady a world—are western the of much

all their energy to merely surviving—i.e. surviving—i.e. merely to energy their all

Most people who don’t need to devote devote to need don’t who people Most

few things. things. few

be forever elusive, it is worth noting a a noting worth is it elusive, forever be

circumstances prior to her demise might might demise her to prior circumstances

And while Winehouse’s psychological psychological Winehouse’s while And

already dreaming about his death. What? What? death. his about dreaming already

not being suicidal at that age, he was was he age, that at suicidal being not

as a child; that is, despite presumably presumably despite is, that child; a as

about his desire to join the 27 Club Club 27 the join to desire his about

narrative. Kurt Cobain allegedly spoke spoke allegedly Cobain Kurt narrative.

There is nothing like the allure of a good good a of allure the like nothing is There

They are not wrong. wrong. not are They

herself for her audience’s entertainment.” entertainment.” audience’s her for herself

who feels too deeply and ends up killing killing up ends and deeply too feels who

chapter in the Romantic myth of the poet poet the of myth Romantic the in chapter

Winehouse’s first album as “the first first “the as album first Winehouse’s

get-go.” They went on to characterise characterise to on went They get-go.”

part of her act, and has been from the the from been has and act, her of part

someone who happens to be a star, it’s it’s star, a be to happens who someone an unfortunate thing that’s happening to to happening that’s thing unfortunate an

Cramped rooms, shared bathrooms with the bathrooms shared rooms, Cramped vermin toilet, the above directly showerhead work. This don’t that and lights infestations above step house – one in a boarding is life official from stretch a long homelessness but still constant is living in worse Making matters tenancy. in stay will able to be you insecurity about whether accommodation. this substandard not still are and lodgers boarders now, Even 2010. Tenancies Act under the Residential covered facilities, cooking own without your live If you or if room a lockable access to without exclusive may you ‘house rules’ enforced certain are there notice. without risk of being evicted be at notice reasonable should give a landlord Whilst Tenants’ The consolation. false a it’s of eviction, and lodgers boarders for factsheet Union of NSW policy: “The of this the harshness exposes your per to leave notice you should give landlord This notice’.” otherwise ‘reasonable agreement, pay you also defined—“if notice is reasonable days seven should] give [the landlord weekly, rent seven just that’s perspective, in that put To notice.” home your out from kicked are you before days possessions. with all of your Winehouse’s slow public wreck isn’t just just isn’t wreck public slow Winehouse’s

Elliot Smith did it, and it’s bullshit now … … now bullshit it’s and it, did Smith Elliot

Kurt Cobain did it, it was bullshit when when bullshit was it it, did Cobain Kurt

tortured-artist routine was bullshit when when bullshit was routine tortured-artist

who wrote in 2007: “The self-destructive self-destructive “The 2007: in wrote who

not least the divisive Pitchfork Media, Media, Pitchfork divisive the least not

Winehouse’s death coming a mile away, away, mile a coming death Winehouse’s

without their heads in the sand saw saw sand the in heads their without

Brian Jones and Robert Johnson. Those Those Johnson. Robert and Jones Brian

died at that age—Cobain, Hendrix, Joplin, Joplin, Hendrix, age—Cobain, that at died

celebrated group of musicians who all all who musicians of group celebrated

the newest member of the 27 Club, a a Club, 27 the of member newest the

SHUT UP. SHUT

Amy Winehouse is dead. As such she is is she such As dead. is Winehouse Amy

narrative worship. narrative ONCE UPON A... A... UPON ONCE

TENUOUS TENANCIES TENUOUS FARRAGO your of out you shakes STAINES ROSIER LAURENCE R on Sydney boarding houses. JAMES O’DOHERTY checks in

importance that it in no way deserves.

We all have trajectories that we want as our own. We probably want to be young and wild, then middle-aged and rich. We may want the love-of-our-lives thing to happen all at once in a turbulent melee of emotion, so if it creeps up on us we are inclined to distrust it or call it something else. When I was in high school I wanted to marry a Flamenco dancer and, as silly as that is, in some way it is still a part of some narrative that I like. Whether or not it’s my narrative is another story, and it is worth realising that inflexibility and stubbornness with the stories we inevitably ascribe to ourselves can swiftly cheat us out of the richness of life.

Amy Winehouse didn’t have to die at 27, you didn’t have to react the way you did once your last relationship ended, and no one has to do ‘the corporate thing’ for a few years after finishing uni (idiots). Most news sources report every few years that we are happiest when we ignore the past and future and live in the moment. We might not be able to do that all the time, but if your narrative is a grand tragedy rather than a choose-your-own adventure then it might be wise to start reading some different books. Mountain Java’s Mystical Travel to anIndonesianvolcano withDREWROOKE. dead, dusty and helddown by athick layer of ash. swept clean,most trees whichline theslopesremain ash still carpeting the area –while thehuts have been Greyness dominates themountainside, withvolcanic and theeffects ofthe recent eruption are intimidating. landscape becomes apparent. Myfirst sight ofMerapi I putmy coffee down asthedestruction inthe politely excuses himself and turnsto face Merapi. am having withtheelderlymanendsprematurely ashe apparent. Thebroken English-Indonesianconversation I connection with,themountain becomes even more ‘kretek’ cigarettes stops. The villagers’ respect for, and from itspeakandthecasual chatting andsharingof the morninglight ofthisspiritual day. Smoke rises The atmosphere changes asMerapi appears in blue threads, worn by all,unifiesthepeople. flower petals. The woven red andwhite neckpiecewith with somecarrying baskets filledwithpinkandwhite ‘kebaya’ (atraditional Indonesianblouse)andsarongs, daggers; thewomen adornthemselves inabasicblack sarongs, ‘blangkon’ headdresses, andcarry decorative traditional Javanese shirts,intricately patterned Everyone iselaborately dressed. Themenwear who live onMerapi’s slopeshave withthevolcano. I start to realise thedeepconnection that thepeople and give thanks to Merapi.” Said withsuchsincerity, forces ofnature –they “pray for protection andmercy, educates meontheimportance ofrespecting deadly mountain. Ibegintalking withanelderlymanwho as hundreds ofvillagers gather at thebaseof Standing outsideasmallcoffee cart at dawn, I watch ascending ofthemountainside. the volcano. Theseceremonies culminate withthe ceremonies are heldeachJulyto give offerings to of thevillagers whoreside onitsslopes.Elaborate its deadlinessMerapi holdsaspecialplaceinthehearts and thedestruction ofsurrounding regions. Yet despite erupted viciously, causing over three hundred deaths fire’ lived true to itsnameinOctober 2010whenit most active volcanoes inthe world. The‘mountain of capital, Yogyakarta, andisconsidered to beoneofthe Indonesia. Ittowers over Indonesia’s bustling old dominating themountainous landscape ofJava, Mount Merapi isthealpha-maleofvolcanoes per cent inalocal area.” Itisunclearhow these putting thesethings into place,crime can drop 75 of socioeconomic boroughs can improve. “Just by provision oflow cost thegeneral housing, lifestyles asserts Phillips. Ifmore companies supportthe profitable” and“bolster a company’s image,” clean housingandaffordable living can be “quite seen asdetrimental toprovision—offering service commercial sector. However, somehow, thisisnot Boarding housesare runasbusinessesinthe programs] whichare safe andwithoutconflict.” toservices show that there are [community with theirouter communities. “It’s up to outside Phillips. Boarders don’tget muchassociation This onlyhappensintwo percent ofcases,” says relocatethey’ll peopleto otheraccommodation. stigma that by lettingservices in, community assistance inboarding housing.“There’s abig According to Phillips there isfear ofgovernmental the industry. the problem asoneofisomorphicmalfunctionin reform can’t fixanalready broken system. Hesees believes that council provisions andlegislation “Individuals tend to slipthrough thecracks.” He or alcohol problem themselves,” Phillips says. they operate themselves, andthey have adrug mountain hasfor those who live onitsslopes. deadly power isdefeated by thespiritual power the history, Merapi willundoubtedly erupt again. Butthis the nightclubs ofSouthBali,willever beseen.Given its offerings made to theshoppingmallsofJakarta, or to of Indonesia,aswell astheworld. Itisunlikely that is becoming increasingly uncommon inotherareas a relationship withthisdeadlynatural being which not attempted to surpassnature. The villagers have This isoneregion oftheworld where peoplehave villagers are forgiving Merapi, praying for itto becalm. seven months ago whenthey met itsferocity, the courageously facing deadlyMerapi oncemore. Unlike pit andthecaretaker turnsto the volcano; allare now Merapi’s slopes.Volcanic ashandsoilfillstheburial are passedover theflamebefore beingplacedinto begin to digaholeinthevolcanic soil.Theofferings The caretaker unwraps theofferings, andothervillagers falls ontheslopesofMerapi oncemore. villagers bow theirarms assilence open theirheadsand caretaker stands andleadsaprayer. Thekneeling Flowers are handedto eachvillager before the central flame. wrapped inarichgreen cloth,lay behindthesmall now covered inbaskets offlowers. Theofferings, now background. Burningincensesticks surround thealtar, facing thealtar, Merapi standing over theminthe foot oftheofferings altar. Thevillagers kneelsilently The four elderlyvillagers thenjoin theothers at the record. each otherwithintheface ofMerapi’s unforgiving to appreciate thestrength that thesepeopleprovide rehydrate herandhelpcontinue theascent. Ibegin to care for her. They pat thedust from herclothes, me. Just assuddenlyshefell, three elderlymenstop I stop asanelderlyladyfalls afew metres aheadof steeper andslipperierwithash. up is quiteinitially easy, but the path gradually becomes umbrella, carrying thesacred box ofofferings. The walk leads boldlyundertheguard ofatraditional Javanese villagers, theirhandsgrasped together. Thecaretaker procession. path Therugged isthentrodden by the The arrival ofthecaretaker marks thebeginningof homeless residents. change orany real improvement for thesequasi- they operate, we are unlikely to seeany real boarding housesandthecircumstances inwhich there ismore regulation intheoperation ofthese would like to seeimplemented. However, until managers abouttheirtroubles andwhat they chance to airtheirconcerns withboarding house confidential tenants’ forum,boarders will have a not therole ofcouncil to provide. At anupcoming Even so, Phillips seesprograms andsupportas provisions.service to corruption andundercutting atthe expenseof accommodation for less cost, the system isopen potentially providing substandard and services $160 and$185respectively. Withotheroperators double room, Phillips’ BCSboarding housecharges week for a singleroom and$260perweek for a they charge. Whilethemaximum rent is$185per hands ofowners andoperators regarding what given area. However there isstill discretion atthe a minimum‘low-costquota for any housing’ Boarding housesare required by council, providing set-up andutilities costs. residential Centrelink-supported system, lowering figures would change iftheindustry moved to a as well asitdidfor me.Happy studying. So there you have it!Here’s hopingthislist works for you benefits I feel we should team up.” hard andexpect that you willtoo. Sofor bothofour assume you’re aimingfor asimilarmark.Iintend to work Based onhow you’ve presented yourself, it’s safe to the hard cold facts. “Iwant a____ grade inthecourse. average. Well, thenit’s time to play dirty. Goinwith say yes because they’re analandthinkyou’ll ruintheir otherstudents.try Or, they might seemtentative to have apartner. Worry not,there’s always next classto population: you! They could say nobecause they already Congratulations, you are on your way to HD Town, This could go oneofthree ways. They could say yes. confident about your prospect by now. him/her to beyour partner. You shouldbefeeling quite At theendoflecture introduce yourself andask TheVerdict 6. ice-breaker. praising ortrashing thelecturer/subject isalways agood a two sentence convo willsuffice atthispoint. Either next break make sure you’ve struck upconversation; By thisstage your target hasnoticed you. Before the Now Go In For TheKill! 5. fancy word for “inpractice”. There, you’re golden! being discussed—holds“empirically”, whichisabigfat beingdiscussed—there’sthe theory always atheory formulate agood just one.But,ifindoubt, askwhether even 10minutes shouldgive you enoughmaterial to and even askanintelligent question ...tuning-in for This istheslightly challengingpart.Take notes frequently Pay Attention 4. your tact. recommend you refrain ...for now. Itcould compromise inclined to flirtwiththispotential assignment partner, I you doDONOT start conversation yet! Also, if you are so lecture slidesprinted; it’s allaboutimage. Butwhatever possess. Beorganised, withhighlighters at theready and it’s time to honeinonthosesupposedactingchops you Cuba GoodingJr.’s performance was inPearl Harbour, After allthose years of complaining abouthow terrible AppearTo BeADiligent Student 3. and to speakto whenitcomes to that. Ensure you are closeenoughfor themto seeyou clearly Proximity iskey. Infact, aseat ortwo away isideal. SitNearThem 2. Organised andkeen. That’s ourtarget. and alone,unpretentiously highlighting theirnotes. student sitsaboutsixrows infrom thefront, offcentre and hencedon’tmake thegrade. Ifindtheoptimal lack thebroadmindedness to grasp university subjects cracked upto be.Most ofthemoverstress, tend to Also theFront Row Type-A students are notallthey’re It goes withoutsaying: avoid thebackrow slackers. Survey Your Surroundings 1. yours truly! to you withthat winningformula—tried andtested by seize that perfect assignment partner, andIcome forth But hark,fellow students, for there isasolution! You can contribute to thetask! perhaps your fear actually make isthey’ll you (dare Isay) that oh-so-precious WAM ofyours injeopardy. Or chance that ifyou put pickarandom partnerthey’ll I’m screwed. Iknow nobodyandthere’s always the kicker isthat there’s group assessment. First thoughts: never enjoyable. Embrace solitude,you say? Well, the boring butcompulsory 9amclassandsittingallaloneis coordinating classes,finding yourself six-weeks into a After several attempts timetables atjuggling and SKILL OFTHEWEEK: SEDUCE THE PERFECT GROUP ASSESSMENT by by S HAMI PARTNER In Class, Or At S IVASu BRAMANIAN Least Pretend To

farrago _ P (verge) STSTage The KANYE: THE MUSICAL LESTER MUST DIE 4-7 SEPTEMBER, CELLAR THEATRE 3-5 SEPTEMBER, CELLAR THEATRE Kanye feel the love tonight? CAITLIN GRIFFITH-PESCET wants to be fired into space. JACK GOW could. THE ARTS BIT I feel under an extreme amount of comment to musical interlude in a single You wanna know what Yeezy taught pressure writing a review of Lester Must seamless movement. That skill was put me? Contrary to popular belief, but Roser obviously Die; it needs to be as charming and witty to good use in this tale of aging Dutch Yeezy didn’t teach me how to get appreciated that he as the production itself in order to do it pop sensation Lester Van Hummel, motherfuckin’ butt-ass nekkid with is so fucking gifted. This justice. So two hours and four coffees whose Keith Richards ways have become some motherfuckin’ Jimmy Choos on. point was firmly made later the stony-faced disapproval of a such a burden on his record label that Yeezy taught me that Kanye the Musical by the exquisite pathos evoked blank work document glows back at they decide his untimely demise is the could and did live up to the hype. Sure, throughout the play, notably after me. The opening sentence needs to be only way forward. Enter a father and a Broadway musical it was not, but it the death of Kanye’s mother in ‘Hey perfect; subtle yet punchy, winningly son drug enterprise whose sole income was never going to be. Instead, Kanye Mama’. This ability to both mock and hilarious yet seemingly effortless like I is based on keeping Lester septum deep the Musical was a beautiful, dark, empathise with the much-maligned could whip out with a hundred more like in his favourite nose candy (and thus twisted fantasy that epitomised the Mr West was what made Roser’s it and not even break a sweat. Clearly I need Lester alive), throw in a fed up very best of student theatre. have failed on all accounts. I just can’t assistant, an estranged wife, a rocket performance so compelling. That help thinking that if Laurence Rosier scientist and an assassin and you have Now you might think you’ve picked performance was both enhanced and Staines, the man behind Lester Must Die the delightful comedy of errors that was the scene. You haven’t; the real one’s deliberately undermined by Damien were penning this you would already Lester Must Die. far too mean. Kanye’s sordid personal Higginbotham’s chameleonic turn as be in stitches. life did form the basis of Phil Roser’s Donda West, her doctor, Dracula and The ensemble cast played off each other musical but aside from ridiculing his Marc Jacobs. The comedic virtuosity Rosier Staines has a natural knack for well and the incorporation of the band very public faux pas at the VMAs (and of this double-act was only further writing musical comedies that allows him tied it all together—after all, it was a let’s be honest, Taylor Swift did have emphasised by the impressive to balletically leap from pun to sardonic rock opera of sorts. Pierce Wilcox’s wry, it coming) and the Hurricane Katrina production, and the rhyming and sarcastic assistance was the perfect telethon (and let’s be honest Dubya did rapping of some of the best amateur juxtaposition to Lachlan Hannan’s Russell have it coming) the show didn’t satirise hip-hop since Jesus walked. It’s no Brand-esque portrayal of the space- Kanye anywhere near as scathingly as surprise that the lighting, lazers and cadet musician Lester. But it was Tom I’d expected. Rather, the eponymous liberal use of the smoke-machine was Mittelheuser as Earl the assassin who Mr. West was portrayed as an asinine, truly fitting for a man who commands stole the show. With no lines until he materialistic but nonetheless loveable all of the lights (all of the lights!). breaks into poignant song nigh on the fool driven by an insatiable desire to last scene, Mittelheuser managed to While I may never understand the win Hova’s (Jay-Z to all you crackers) have the audience in fits of giggles with vampiric sub-plot, the wizard duel respect. So, not too far from real life. subtle eye movements alone. There is denouement, or why Kanye’s best no doubt in my mind that each person This satirical softness reflected the friend was Marc Jacobs, I do know one who left the Cellar Theatre, drunk on playwright’s obvious respect for his thing: Yeezy taught me that Phil Roser’s laughter, were all thinking the same subject matter; Kanye might embody musical was truly amazing and that no thing: “Kanye, Schmanye”. every characteristic of the egotistic, one man deserves all that power.

Stephen Sharpe and Eleni Schumacher CREDITORS were captivating in their portrayals of Tekla, 3-9 SEPTEMBER, ARENA SQUASH COURTS Adolf and Gustav, and the breadth of their physical vocabulary was a beautiful partner NEADA BULSECO gives credit to their articulation of love and betrayal. The JesterDrop Seeds where credit’s due. REBECCA SAFFIR samples the newest notch The hyper-real world created by Cheng and Bread and innovation have rarely the cast was encompassing, but the rare on Newtown’s small bar bedpost. intersected since the first loaf was underwhelming moments were strongly After living in the Newtown precinct and parmesan comes in at four bucks sliced, but the recent staging of August disconnecting. Moments of physical almost every day of my 23 years, for three pieces, and a very impressive Strindberg’s Creditors for Verge Festival inhibition from members of the cast it’s easy to lose the ability to keep ceviche bruschetta sets us back a brought a new wheat prospect to light. undermined the strong commitment to any sort of tabs on what’s moving tenner. There’s also buttery potatoes, The directorial debut for Con student Ivan expressive movement that carried through in and out of the neighbourhood in chicken skewers and the like, each Cheng, the Swedish classic was reframed most of the play, and the squash court any specific, shopfront-by-shopfront at under $10 a plate, which smashes in the setting of a stark white squash space and continuous physical exertion fashion. Cafes, shops, bars—they the offerings at Corridor and Madame court, dressed with dynamic mounds of called for greater focus on vocal projection come and go, sometimes literally Fling-Flong’s out of the park for value. laquered bread. An exploration of the and annunciation. The shapes made by the overnight. Despite walking past unprecedented, with a clear focus on actors’ bodies were generally engrossing, the block on which new small bar Somehow, one hour has turned into physical expression and experimentation, and the tell-tale moments of negligence on Jester Seeds is located at least three three and my three very disparate Creditors was a triumph in innovation for this part were comparatively disappointing. times a week, I couldn’t tell you companions and I are still sitting on a student theatre, elevated by noteworthy It must be stressed however that these how long it’s been there for exactly, comfy couch out the back, exclaiming performances from the entire cast. fleeting points of mediocrity were a rarity. but not long enough. over the significantly recognisable playlist to come on the speakers. It’s It is rare when the sensory experience of There are few productions that lace I was only going to stay for an hour strangely uncrowded for a Saturday theatre delivers more than sound classic literature with unbridled theatrical when I popped in on assignment on night in Newtown, which just might and sight, but the cast of Creditors experimentation to present a show Saturday night. My companion and be the best thing about it. Don’t performed the prolific words of that will resonate for both its originality I start with cocktails from the short, expect that to last long though. Strindberg to the fragrance of and performative accomplishments, punchy list, which favours slightly With its excellent proximity to prime burning bread. The strength of in professional or student theatre, but bitter and acidic flavours. Luckily for Newtown nightlife spots such as the these words was merely heightened Creditors proved worthy of this league. It me these are my favourite flavours, Marly, and the distinction of not being by the strength of the actors, whose demonstrated the potential for student and I for one am thrilled not to be a prime Newtown nightlife spot such delivery was unimpeded by the theatre to liberate itself from the standards reduced to choosing a mojito simply as the Marly, Jester Seeds is set to be obvious physical exertion of imposed by commercial productions, and by virtue of it being the only drink on everyone’s best friend in no time at all. their ceaseless movement. remain watchable and engaging for any the menu to not resemble the things Harriet Gordon-Anderson, audience. A commendably daring and we got drunk on in Year 9. We also Check out JESTER SEEDS at well-executed production that exampled sample from the very reasonably 1 2 7 K i n g S t r e e t N e w t o w n . noteworthy performances and compelling priced bar food menu—perfectly production choices. Open Tue-Sat 4-11pm; 10 tender corn on the cob rolled in butter Sun 4-10pm P

THE PROFILE by SHAUN CROWE MIRANDA DEVINE but Roser obviously appreciated that he It’s a truth universally acknowledged that, as a species, we misanthropic policies. But now they hold the balance of is so fucking gifted. This get a kick out of detesting others. It has something to do power, the spotlight is exposing their true illiberal nature. point was firmly made with that warm, validating feeling associated with a sense “The more power they get, the more arrogant they by the exquisite pathos evoked of moral superiority; about sitting comfortably on a higher become. This is not electorally attractive and you can see throughout the play, notably after pedestal than The Other. In fact, ‘loving to hate’ is one the Green’s poll numbers slipping. They probably have a the death of Kanye’s mother in ‘Hey of those clichés so trite and oft-repeated that it’s almost core vote of 10-12 percent, which includes the disaffected Mama’. This ability to both mock and definitely correct. left wing of Labor. Their fortunes rise as Labor’s fall.” empathise with the much-maligned In 2011, few people are better at collecting left-wing ire

Mr West was what made Roser’s PROFILE than Miranda Devine. If there is a storm in Australia’s And, in her opinion, fall they certainly have. “I’m not sure performance so compelling. That political tea-cup—whether about the ‘gold-digging’ Kristy Gillard will lead Labor to the next election, but I think performance was both enhanced and Fraser-Kirk, the veracity of climate science or the morality she’ll hang on at least until next year. They should never deliberately undermined by Damien of gay adoption—Ms. Devine’s spoon is rarely far away. have removed Rudd, who would have had a good chance Higginbotham’s chameleonic turn as But how does Miranda feel about this, the often scathing of winning the last election. Gillard’s woes stem from Donda West, her doctor, Dracula and liberal criticism of her work and person? the decision to remove a democratically elected prime Marc Jacobs. The comedic virtuosity minister in his first term. Whoever replaced him was never of this double-act was only further “I can’t say it doesn’t affect me,” she concedes. “But most going to have the moral authority.” emphasised by the impressive of the personal criticism is cartoonish abuse, so it’s not production, and the rhyming and hard to ignore.” However, while Devine’s ideology is towards the more rapping of some of the best amateur rigid end of conservatism, her ideas do not stop her from hip-hop since Jesus walked. It’s no If, however, ire and insult are inevitable features of admiring other Australian writers. In her words, she tries surprise that the lighting, lazers and ideological warfare, so too is influence. Indeed, Devine’s to avoid intellectual ‘ghettoisation’. Indeed, her reading list liberal use of the smoke-machine was commentary is enjoying an increasingly large audience: contains some curiously progressive thinkers. her News Limited columns attract a weekly readership truly fitting for a man who commands “When you meet people in the same line of work, there all of the lights (all of the lights!). of around 1.5 million, with Crikey recently placing her as Australia’s fifth most powerful media personality. That is usually a connection, despite ideological differences. For instance, Catherine Deveny and I were pitched against While I may never understand the makes her Australia’s most influential female journalist each other on Q and A once and when we met for the first vampiric sub-plot, the wizard duel and only behind four other conservative titans: Bolt, time in the green room we liked each other. That’s how it denouement, or why Kanye’s best Jones, Hadley and Mitchell. should be. You should be able to debate different points of friend was Marc Jacobs, I do know one “I don’t think journalists have as much influence as some view without hating each other. I like Mia Freedman and thing: Yeezy taught me that Phil Roser’s people think,” she suggests, downplaying her importance. David Marr, too, and enjoy reading them.” musical was truly amazing and that no “And less so as diverse forms of media spring up. But one man deserves all that power. any influence comes from being faithful to the facts and And, of course, Miranda’s life is not all burqas and bike respecting the audience.” lanes. Beyond politics, her time is consumed by her family and her sons’ rugby ‘obsessions’. Plus, she’s been learning It also seems to stem from a kind of rhetorical absolutism: how to row. from an attempt to make her arguments both more forceful and less aware of the ambiguous. While certainly a long bow, maybe, just maybe, this represents one small Freudian crack in Devine’s otherwise Accepting that her work is often polemical, she argues confident political persona. If climate change proves as Jester Seeds that “an opinion writer has to state an opinion publicly catastrophic as some scientists are suggesting (in her and unequivocally, and then ram it home with evidence in words, the so called ‘alarmists’) then Miranda Devine will a way that most people don’t do in polite company. You be in a better position than most of the liberal left. A rising can’t sit on the fence.” tide, one imagines, scares no member of the First Eight. This bare-knuckled approach has a survived recent a move Or, of course, she could just be learning to row. Indeed, from Fairfax to News Limited. In fact, one suspects that one questions whether doubt and ambiguity even exist in the Daily Telegraph is as close an ideological and stylistic Devine’s political vocabulary. With some people, it’s just home as Ms. Devine is likely to find in Australia. But has hard to tell. this move altered her influence? Where she was once skewering her very readers, she now writes to a more receptive, but perhaps already converted, audience. “I have a lot more readers across the country now,” Devine argues. “My former SMH colleagues claim my influence has diminished, but that’s just because they don’t read tabloids! I try not to write differently when I change newspapers, but you always have to evolve with your audience.” If there has been an evolution, though, it certainly hasn’t been in political philosophy. The Greens, a long-time favourite Devine target, continue to receive her enmity. “The global warming campaign drove a lot of people towards the green movement. Because the Greens are a minority party, they’ve managed to pose as gentle, principled tree lovers while holding extreme left-wing,

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the future is not what it used to be OPINION COMPETITION 2ND ANNUAL HONI SOIT SCIENCE/ENGINEERING sprinkles. Laurie Oakes once described our current national leaders as “political pygmies”. A scathing SAMUEL LEVENS ECONOMICS & BUSINESS/ LAW assessment perhaps, but difficult to argue with during another interminable Gillard drone. The The Future Isn’t What It Used To Be: From the Gods joe smith davies formerly Mad Monk isn’t much better either, to the Zombies, Apocalypse! especially when he’s got his foot in his mouth. There is a special moment, sometime in the early OPINION COMP It’s all well and good to be on message, but not if hours of the morning before the sun’s first rays have Quote The future ain’t what it used to be Endquote that message is soma rather than a panacea. This touched the earth. A moment in which the air itself It’s quite a phrase, “the future ain’t what it used worrying trend of mediocre polly-speak extends can feel as a thin pane of glass, ready to snap at the to be”. If you use it in conversation, you’re just well beyond our shores, and infected the denizens slightest pressure. It is in this moment when one as likely to be admonished for heresy against of both Whitehall and Capitol Hill. In an utterly looks to the horizon so expectantly knowing that if the English language as to be praised for your astonishing recent interview, Ed Millibland(sic), you wait still just a little longer the sun will come. It somewhat mordant insight. But if Peter Pedant the leader of the British Labour Party, gave an will warm the air, it will melt the fear and dawn will picks your piquant paradox, at least you can almost identically-worded response to six complete bring solace like no other. That is, until the coming plead diminished responsibility. Because “the different questions. And for all the talk of Barack sun illuminates the hordes of zombies clawing and future ain’t what it used to be” isn’t part of the Obama being one of the greatest orators in climbing the walls of the shopping mall on which you vast collected works of Anonymous, it’s a Yogiism. history, his inauguration speech was memorable and your ragtag band have taken shelter on the roof. Yes, a Yogiism. No, a Yogiism is not the religion de not for the words he delivered, but the man who With the constant moaning and reminder of what jour of the Beverly Hills GOOPs; it is Yogiism is the delivered them. awaits you insanity is sure to set in soon, but help is aptly clunky term for the contradictory, left-field The explanation for these rhetorical doldrums could on the way, it has to be, right? wisdom of legendary out-fielder Yogi Berra. Berra just be that we are less articulate than we used to No other tale has so captivated the world like that left school in eighth-grade, presumably because his be, an outcome that would surely have the Lynne of the apocalypse. It is a story that has been retold gifts for malapropism and tautology were so highly Trusses of this world tutting up a storm. Maybe all with each coming generation, the romance and the developed. Throughout the twentieth century, he the good speechwriters are writing for TV, rather fear of the end of humanity is the ultimate thriller. produced some of the best handbrake turns of than TV addresses. The fictional Aaron Sorkin- No one can escape the imagination and excitement phrase in history, once simultaneously decrying and penned dialogue between Jed Bartlett and President of civilizations toppling by forces they could never bolstering his reputation by saying “I really didn’t Obama was certainly better than any transcript hope to contain. The idea of being the sole survivors say everything I said.” from an Obama- Berlusconi summit meeting. But of a dead civilization is enough to get anyone’s Whether he said it or not, Berra was dead right neither of these reasons is truly compelling. No, I heart racing. about the future. Whilst journalists hung on every believe everything simmers down to two concepts: The ‘Zombie Apocalypse’ is an idea thrown around word of the great Yogi, licking pencils with glee as sterilisation and saturation. With the abundance of so often now a day that it’s easy to imagine turning he threw out linguistic banana peels to trip himself think-tanks and focus groups in the formulation of a street corner and seeing a horde of the undead up on, the modern sport-related press conference policy, what comes of a politician’s mouth is more shambling their way towards you. However, it wasn’t resembles a board meeting of a moderately of a data summary than a statement of intent. In so long ago that the term ‘zombie’ wasn’t even in successful stationary manufacturer. Today’s sports sport, too, players are often speaking the words of existence and few would have even known of the stars speak a mixture of cliché, middle management psychologists and agents, rather than their own. It basic premise of what a zombie was. The tale of the jargon and risible coinage. The voices of twenty-first may be for their own good, but shouldn’t they be apocalypse is one as old as time, the outcome is century sport are more Paul Potts than Pavarotti: able to choose their existance (sorry, existence). agreed upon, however, the means and the method hideously ugly. Whilst Muhammad Ali’s speeches Humanity’s unquenchable thirst for knowledge, and have changed and evolved throughout the ages as stand up as some of the greatest spoken poetry the availability of media through which information new fears captivated the imaginations of civilizations. ever delivered, Anthony Mundine’s outing with the can be propagated every second of every of hour of every day, has placed an incredible burden on those Modern Day Poets was forgettable at best. Football It all started with the gods. Oh those vengeful gods, who the worlds looks to to provide constant, almost used to have Eric Cantona, whose post-match the world was in their hands and they could do with limitless information. Twitter is par exemplar of this interviews often became existentialism debates, it as they please. It was our job to worship them or phenomenon, information to infinity. No wonder now it has Cristiano Ronaldo, who espoused that else. Even if we pleased them in every way we knew politicians regurgitate the same tired sound bites, the main virtue of the football boot is that it is “part how, there was still often a forewarned apocalypse feed us the same keyword soup. It’s because they of my kit”. Even tennis, the most intensely individual waiting just around the corner. Whether it was (a very extensive they) don’t have time to think of of sports, is severly lacking a quotable individuals. Noah’s flood, or Zeus’ lightning bolts the gods had anything else before the next photo-op, the next To paraphrase Rafa Nadal, it’s the best time in “the control. The term apocalypse itself comes from the bulletin, the next hashtag. Fox Sports News. Channel histories” of the game and no one has anything Greek word meaning ‘revelation’ as in the book of. to say about. 513. Its On. All. The. Time. Hopefully Twitter is just a passing fad. Hopefully we can suppress However as Europe came out of the dark ages This verbal vacuum is not confined to the narrow our ravenous information appetites. After all, as and moved away from a focus on Gods so did the world of sports. It seems that in order to produce Anonymous and Richie Benaud once said “less is apocalypse of the time. Plagues would be the end something that is as palatable for as many more”. And, perhaps, in the interests of substance of days, people had seen the devastation they could people as possible, politicians can only offer one over content, we need to look back to look forward. cause and feared them like nothing else. However, 14 flavour: vanilla. Don’t even think of asking for I know Yogi would. with growing sanitation plagues became a thing X

CATEGORY WINNERS* the future is not what it used to$300 $300 be $300

the number of synaptic connections between OPINION COMPETITION neurons steadily increases. Some cognitive tasks, especially those concerning language skills, tend HONI SOIT to come more easily to older minds with more of the past, and so did the fear of them. Thus the arts/education neural connections. Maths seems to be in the other people needed a new story to tell each other. camp: the sheer calculating power demanded by 2ND ANNUAL YITZI TUvel the field seems to require one’s neurons to be It was late 1800’s by now and entering what I would call the golden age of the apocalypse. Humanity’s fresh and plentiful. Our Number’s Up: Why unfinished maths gaze was looking upwards at this time; the stars were Whatever the cause, maths is a young man’s game. homework will destroy civilisation coming closer and closer with new technologies like Despite occupying opposite ends of the jock-nerd the telescope becoming readily available. As the If in other sciences, we should arrive at certainty spectrum, athletics and mathematics have this in stars came close so too did the fear of alien races. without doubt and truth without error, it behooves common: if you’re not going to come to the party H. G. Wells’ War of the Worlds was one of the first us to place the foundations of knowledge in early, you may as well not bother showing mainstream apocalyptic stories and for many years mathematics. – Roger Bacon up at all. people were sure that aliens would drop out of the sky and terrorize Earth’s less advanced race. 10,000. They say that’s how many hours it takes But we don’t have little leagues for maths – to get really good at something. You and I may at least, not in the same way we have little Science was making leaps and bounds at this point, argue over the suspiciously round number, or the leagues for sports. Harvard and MIT aren’t and the nature of the apocalypse was changing meaning of “really good”, or who exactly the “they” scouting for brilliant five-year-olds. World quickly to keep with the times. People soon grew are that say this. But the main point is simple and class coaches aren’t being brought in to help weary of the foreign nature technology was taking incontrovertible: if you want to get really good at them train exactly the right amount, day on, and began to fear it would be the end of the something, you’ve got to practice a lot. after day, year after year, so that they’ll hit world. The atom bomb was going to do it for sure their primes at 19. this time. This was going to be the end of us. We’ve With sporting pursuits, you need to start training gone too far! People said, and nuclear war was just very young, so that you’ve already gotten enough It’s not merely an absence of infrastructure around the corner. However the cold war came and time on the clock when your body hits its peak. We for the precocious elite that’s holding us went and nearing the end of the 1900’s the atom know this, which is why pee-wee leagues are such a back: standards of education are declining bomb was mundane and technology was becoming all round. It’s as if the entire system of

big deal: almost all world-class athletes either began OPINION COMP our very best friend. in their sports as children, or spent their younger formal education simply can’t be bothered years practicing a directly transferable skill; already teaching as zealously and effectively as People began to realize how difficult life would being a talented sprinter, for instance, helps a lot if once it did. But while the shortcomings in be without the warm buzz of electricity and you’re trying to become an impossibly cool, wise- kids’ understanding of grammar and history can machines and the fear of its loss soon gripped cracking Olympic bobsledder. reasonably be patched up later in life, a lack of the minds of the people under its protection. The proper mathematical foundations laid young can failure of technology became the dominating fear In academic pursuits, on the other hand, how late easily deprive an otherwise promising child of their and predictions that the time was near spread you get started doesn’t seem to matter: Descartes chances at ever getting a Nobel Prize. faster than ever on the very thing that would be didn’t begin writing philosophy until he was in his our downfall. Y2K came and went and people forties. But for mathematics (and its sisters, logic and Perhaps the most worrying implication in all of realized that technology probably wasn’t going physics), the situation is a little different. this is not for mathematics itself, but for what anywhere too quickly. mathematics supports upon its shoulders. Physics, Albert Einstein was only 26 years old when he had for starters, has always depended heavily upon It was in the early two thousands that people began his Annus Mirabilis: the “miracle year” in which good maths, and for the past century or so – since looking for a new destroyer of humanity. Pandemics he published four papers that changed the world Minkowski & Co. rewrote the fundamental way came back in to play in the form of quickly mutating forever. Einstein got all his really great work done we understand space and time – the nature of the viruses. Avian flu and swine flu nearly wiped out early, and spent the rest of his adult life coasting dependency of physics upon maths has moved humanity; however when they failed at that task the on the fame that that earned him: holding a cushy from coffee to heroin. And all the sciences – soft pandemic apocalypse evolved in to one that could position at Princeton, working on pet projects that and hard – rely on these intimate bedfellows: hold our attention, Zombies. went nowhere, and posing for photos with his chemistry, biology, engineering, medicine, statistics, tongue out. And while Einstein’s hilarious gag shots Man has been sure that the Apocalypse was just economics, electronics – the whole set. When may well set him apart from the otherwise reserved around the corner for millennia. It is one of the maths suffers, everything suffers. Today, it’s our ranks of great physicists and mathematicians, longest told stories and has evolved and taken on a ability to properly manage a global economy; the tender age at which he made it big certainly life of its own. In the beginning of our great history tomorrow, it might be our ability to construct a does not. it was hard for man to imagine his destiny was in ship that can get us to Alpha Centauri before the his own hands. However, as man discovered science Tarski published his first important paper on set meteor hits. and began to invent for his self rather than the gods theory when he was just 19. Dirichlet did his work So what is to be done? It is often said that thinkers so too did his gaze focus inwards. Gods it seemed on Fermat’s Last Theorem at 20. Gödel completed ought to be lauded and esteemed in the way that were no longer the biggest threat to humanity, it was both his incompleteness theorems by 25. Dedekind athletes are. I say that thinkers ought to be trained ourselves. Science and the magic nature of some of cut the numbers at 27, and Reimann invented his in the way that athletes are. There exist now sports its discoveries struck a chord with people, and from eponymous geometries at 28. laboratories which put millions of dollars into trying the very beginning it was assumed the apocalypse to reduce a cyclist’s drag coefficient by a couple would come about from some mad experiment Why is it so? As with the case of sports, a physiological explanation seems most attractive: of percentage points – imagine what could be gone wrong. The future really isn’t what it used to accomplished if we put that sort of effort, and that be. Whereas before there were unfound fears of our brains, like our bodies, physically degrade with time. Throughout the life of a human brain, neurons sort of erudition, into our systems of education. silly atom bomb mistakes, or the joke that was Y2K, For with that greater education, we could create now we really know what’s going to be our downfall. die off and are not replaced, so their numbers steadily dwindle. Meanwhile, as we live and learn, a greater civilisation – and that, after all, is what Zombies guys, seriously, it’s gonna happen. really counts. *You may be wondering why your faculty is not included in the competition. Well, we absolutely promise that it was at one point some time back there. 15 Some problems did however arrive when entire faculties didn’t send through a single submission. S A POPULARITY SPORTS CONTEST riefs with MAX HALDEN LUKE MARTIN muses on the character(s) of sport. In B September, as it turns out, is not only an In the biggest news in Rugby Union since Australians take pride in two things: then watch each stroke play by play immortal Earth, Wind and Fire song, but 2007, the quadrennial Rugby World Cup the inherently odd ability of such a and then go back for a sneaky re-watch, also one of the biggest months on the kicked off in New Zealand last week. Rugby sparsely populated country to produce the rest of us schmucks are watching Australian sporting calendar. Domestically fans will no doubt be settling in for the champions in literally all sporting it because we want some action, some all the major codes are pushing towards long haul as the seven week tournament is fields (barring table tennis and speed dynamic. We want the rollercoaster the pointy, trophy shaped end of the played across the country, with the final to skating), and our ability to watch any NERDS... ride. Tennis, unlike cricket, is not a season, and internationally Australians are be played on Sunday October 23. Australia’s sport in which we have a good chance ‘background game’ that you can have playing with balls, bats and, in the case of pool includes Italy, Russia, Ireland and the of winning. We are stubborn, full of on in the house while doing something athletics, themselves to achieve sporting United States, raising the obvious question pride and will watch Aussies bring it else. The longer each rally goes, the glory. Here is all the conversation fodder of why a Rugby World Cup exists when on home regardless of the ungodly more it compels you. you need to appear knowledgeable/ you can count the number of competitive hour the rest of the planet choose to heterosexual/like you care in this trying countries on one hand. The tournament will Which brings me to arguably the broadcast the event we are watching. month for non-sports fans. feature games that even the most seasoned greatest rivalry in professional sport. To support a fellow national at 3am rugby fans will find unwatchable, such as EST is a duty many Australians seem In AFL, the Sydney Swans have put an I still wonder how they do it. The stoic Tonga vs. Japan and Georgia vs. Romania. almost too happy to take up, wearing end to a St Kilda winning streak and their calmness of Roger Federer and the fiery Australia beat Italy 32-6 on Sunday, win. it like a badge of honour, thinking we season, beating them by 35 points at passion of Rafael Nadal—combined have a monopoly on this unyielding Docklands. Although many Sydneysiders Ten time world surfing champion Kelly with his incessant desire to work sports-watching stamina. Viewing this have fallen off the bandwagon since the Slater has named Australian Owen Wright only on his biceps—has produced year’s US Open however is making me teams’ 2005 premiership, this gives them as his biggest threat to winning an 11th entertainment eons beyond our time. and many other fellow baggy-eyed a chance to re-attach themselves to names world title, after the young Aussie won the I’m not a tennis expert and so will Australians realise that we do not hold such as O’Keefe, McVeigh, McGlynn and Quicksilver Pro New York last week. Sports not describe the technical perfection a monopoly on this, nor should we. other confusingly Irish monikers. Just be fans everywhere simultaneously wondered of both players, but this dynamic careful not to get too excited at your next where the beach is in New York. Although It’s just been fantastic. has given something to those who Eastern Suburbs dinner party—we’re pleased with the attention, Wright considered Federer to be a little too playing Hawthorn next week at the MCG. expressed a tinge of regret at winning the The post 1am crowds at the reserved. Before Rafa, Roger disposed In related news, 19-year-old Essendon tournament. “I’m just a little pissed off tournament have been lapping up of rivals at will; he was quite literally an player Dyson Heppell has won the 2011 that the Aussie dollar is so strong at the everything the Arthur Ashe and Louis unstoppable ‘Fed-Express’. He achieved Rising Star award for best performance moment”, he said. “Winning US$300,000 Armstrong stadiums have had to offer. this with grace and showing almost no in a debut season. Following the (AUD$284,000) just ain’t what it used Considering that’s only been a repeat emotion, until the floodgates opened announcement, he has reportedly fielded to be.” playlist of ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and ‘YMCA’ up in the post-match ceremony. With calls from a number of potential sponsors. amidst a dripping New York summer, the arrival of the Spanish Armada, Expect him to change his middle name to At the 2011 World Athletics Championships we’re a pretty easily satisfied crowd. Rafael has developed what could have ‘Cyclonic’ before the 2012 season… earlier this month, Australia came away otherwise been a nightmare scenario with three medals including a gold for Tennis is, for me, a sport which for sports networks into the proverbial In NRL, 1 has played 8, 2 has played 7, 3 Sally Pearson in the 100m hurdles. Cruelly continues to fascinate due to the open-pit goldmine. has played 6, 4 has played 5 and seven left off the front page by ‘real news’ like enduring question: why does such a ate nine. Despite all this confusion, all the the Malaysia Solution, Pearson simply self-centred sport continue to attract What I’m asking is this: ‘would games went to seed, meaning that the confirmed what we already knew … swathes of fanatical sports fans, someone as technically gifted and eye- West Tigers, Manly Sea Eagles, Brisbane Australians don’t really care about athletics. WAGs and the odd royalty of deposed gasmically graceful as Federer ever Broncos and Melbourne Storm are all Usain Bolt, the world’s fastest man, broke European thrones? Thinking about been as interesting without Nadal?’ through the first round of the finals, as the world record for the fastest false start in it, tennis—like golf—is a sport which and ‘could the same be said for the are the Dragons and the Warriors, even a 100m final and was promptly disqualified. is so unbelievably individualistic, we reverse?’ I guess what I’m saying though they lost. I don’t make the rules, He did win the 200m though. wouldn’t be watching it if it wasn’t for is that, even in individualist sports I just report them. With the Eagles and two things: first, to see talent that we like tennis, real characters spur one Broncos both winning by huge margins, Finally, Samantha Stosur has taken will never have; and second, for the another on. sportscasters have been raiding the Australia’s first grand slam in a decade, characters that inhabit them. thesaurus for words to describe the defeating Serena Williams 6-2, 6-3 in 1 Some things never change. Characters thrashings. Although ‘obliteration’ seems hour and 23 minutes. By the time you read It’s all about the characters. While this are the reason we stay way up past our to be an early leader for most popular this Djokovic or Nadal will have won their might seem cheesy as fuck, we must bedtime, trading sleep for stories with term, ‘annihilation’ and ‘rout’ are running final. JFGI. Tennis fans everywhere will be AND JOCKS! admit it. Excepting those who can enthusiasm and tuning in until the final a close second. ‘Holocaust’ remains an able to relax their necks from all that side actually become professional tennis score is settled. outside chance. to side head turning and non-tennis fans players and have the game recorded will be able to continue not caring until the Australian Open in January. GAME THEORY Deus ex: Human Revolution MICHAEL RICHARDSON takes control. game in the Deus Ex series. It’s been worth the price of Harley Filben, and a whole host of others who moved in admission. and around the storyline. It had a stupendously exhausting What’ve you guys been getting up to this past week? Uni and reactive cast of B-characters, who empathised with work? Campaigning hard? Here’s what I did: So there are two reviews to write here; one is for those the world and story and fleshed it out. • Went invisible and beat up seven mercenaries in a plush who’ve played the original Deus Ex released in 2000, and penthouse apartment without them ever seeing me one for those who haven’t. I’ll write the latter first: Conversely, the cast in DX:HR is smaller. Their outcomes • Convinced a man not to commit suicide, then shot him are more predictable. No one ever quotes a philosopher in the face In every professional capacity you might charitably or a poet (not even Milton!). In fact, you know what the • Punched my ex-girlfriend’s mother in the face presume I possess, I urge you to buy both this and the static characters and grounded narrative remind me of? • Had an emotional reunion with the former second-in- original game. They’re utterly fantastic. Vampire: The Masquerade: Bloodlines … which is itself a command of my old SWAT unit, and convinced him to let game widely touted for its phenomenal script. go of the guilt he’d carried for two years after shooting an The former, however, requires a bit of navel-gazing about augmented teenager the nature of videogames and the direction they’ve gone. It’s an infinitely more focused experience than the original. • Snuck into the office of the former second-in-command Frankly, Human Revolution is an odd creature in that it’s The goal of DX was to simulate a world; however I think of my old SWAT unit and strangled him obviously the product of a team conversant in modern the goal of DX:HR was to plumb the depths of cyberpunk • Drank too much liquor and fell off a roof in China game design who are trying to recapture the antique as a genre, and its capacity for reflecting real life. In that • Convinced two FEMA employees I was a special-ops ingenuity from studios like Troika and Looking Glass, and respect, it brushes with perfection. Not a cybernetic member and that they shouldn’t sound the alarm, then they’ve been moderately successful. stone has been left unturned and unanalysed, with a headbutted them both in succession anyway deft, competent, and occasionally touching script to • Punched my pilot in the face What I mean is that in DX:HR you can save your pilot from accompany. It’s just a shame they didn’t go even further, • Wondered how best to explain to someone that it wasn’t being written out of the plot, like you could with Jock to get even closer to the brilliant design of the first … quite as good as the original, but that that was somehow in DX. It’s a dramatic, tense standoff and whatever your alright with me choice, the game works around it. But in DX, that also • Threw a fridge at a policeman Deus Ex: Human Revolution is out now happened with Paul (twice), Lebvedev, Smuggler, Stanton on Xbox 360, Playstation 3 and PC Dowd, Anna Navarre and Gunther Hermann (sorta), Jaime And so ends a list of things I’ve done in my one-and-a-half Reyes, Sam Carter, Renton, Alex Jacobson, Maggie Chow, 16 playthroughs of Deus Ex: Human Revolution, the third V with MAX HALDEN Attention students studying ASK ABE In the biggest news in Rugby Union since Q & A with students who need help 2007, the quadrennial Rugby World Cup at non-Camperdown and a dog who has all the answers... kicked off in New Zealand last week. Rugby Send letters to: [email protected] fans will no doubt be settling in for the long haul as the seven week tournament is played across the country, with the final to (satellite) campuses! be played on Sunday October 23. Australia’s pool includes Italy, Russia, Ireland and the United States, raising the obvious question Did you know? also confidential, professional and free. SRC Satellite of why a Rugby World Cup exists when Caseworker will bring the SRC Services to your campus. you can count the number of competitive While the majority of students at the University of countries on one hand. The tournament will Sydney study on either the Darlington or Camperdown What are the issues that students can Hello Abe, feature games that even the most seasoned campuses there are many other campuses that make get help with? rugby fans will find unwatchable, such as I try very hard with up the University. These campuses are called Satellite Tonga vs. Japan and Georgia vs. Romania. The SRC provides help, information and advocacy my studies but I don’t campuses Australia beat Italy 32-6 on Sunday, win. across a range of welfare, academic, administrative and always get very good marks. I don’t have much money but I Ten time world surfing champion Kelly Where is the SRC Caseworker (satellite) personal issues including: a think I would do much better if I got Slater has named Australian Owen Wright based? as his biggest threat to winning an 11th • Centrelink- Youth Allowance, Austudy, Abstudy and tutor. Do you know of any scholarship or world title, after the young Aussie won the That the SRC has a Satellite Caseworker who is based Health Care Cards tutor service that is free for me to use? Quicksilver Pro New York last week. Sports at a number of non-Camperdown (Satellite) campuses fans everywhere simultaneously wondered • Special Consideration and Special Arrangements 3rd Year Science where the beach is in New York. Although and can visit other satellite campuses which means that pleased with the attention, Wright you can get help wherever you are studying and do not • Academic rights and academic appeals expressed a tinge of regret at winning the need to go on to main campus to access the SRC Help Dear 3rd Year Science, tournament. “I’m just a little pissed off • Student misconduct and academic dishonesty you do not wish to do so. that the Aussie dollar is so strong at the (plagiarism) allegations Congratulations on asking for help moment”, he said. “Winning US$300,000 before the end of the semester. This (AUD$284,000) just ain’t what it used The SRC Caseworker is based at the • Tenancy and Accommodation issues is an excellent thing you have done to be.” following campuses: for yourself. The University itself is a • Administrative and Course problems At the 2011 World Athletics Championships • The faculty of Health Sciences at Cumberland great resource for students. Utilise the earlier this month, Australia came away campuses consultation times that your tutor has. with three medals including a gold for • Withdrawals, Discontinuations, HECS and Fees Sally Pearson in the 100m hurdles. Cruelly Write down any questions that you have • The Faculty of Dentistry & Oral health, including • Harassment and Discrimination left off the front page by ‘real news’ like or go over examples of things you didn’t the Malaysia Solution, Pearson simply Westmead Dental Hospital, (SDH) quite understand in class. Talk to the • Academic progress, Show Cause and Exclusions confirmed what we already knew … Learning Centre (and the Maths Learning Australians don’t really care about athletics. • Sydney Conservatorium of Music • Help you arrange for a review of your mark if you Centre) about improving on skills you Usain Bolt, the world’s fastest man, broke might find helpful in your studies. They the world record for the fastest false start in The SRC Caseworker visits these think you have been unfairly assessed a 100m final and was promptly disqualified. campuses: do lots of workshops on a diverse range He did win the 200m though. • Help you discuss and resolve issues with your of topics, but also work with students on • The Faculty of Nursing & Midwifery lecturer/faculty administration about your course a one-to-one basis. They also have some Finally, Samantha Stosur has taken great resources online that you can use. Australia’s first grand slam in a decade, • The Sydney College of the Arts • SRC can help you to understand complex University defeating Serena Williams 6-2, 6-3 in 1 This includes tips on Time Management, policy and procedure, assist you in drafting formal hour and 23 minutes. By the time you read • Veterinary Sciences at Camden which is usually a student’s biggest this Djokovic or Nadal will have won their letters and attend hearings and meetings with you. enemy. All of their services are absolutely final. JFGI. Tennis fans everywhere will be What kinds of support does the free. able to relax their necks from all that side Caseworker Provide? • Provide you with information on other services to side head turning and non-tennis fans available to you at the University of Sydney and Remember that in amongst all of this will be able to continue not caring until the The Caseworker can provide help to both individual refer you to outside services where appropriate melee of study that you allow yourself Australian Open in January. students or a group of students who require support to time to relax and have fun on your own For More Information on how to access this service and with friends. A balanced and healthy address an academic, or welfare related issue. The SRC -please contact Breda Dee, the Satellite Caseworker on life will contribute to your overall well operates independently to the University, which means 0466169664, or via email at being and your success as a student. that the SRC Caseworkers can assist students without Harley Filben, and a whole host of others who moved in bias or influence from the University. The service is [email protected]. or Skype: SRChelp. Abe and around the storyline. It had a stupendously exhausting and reactive cast of B-characters, who empathised with the world and story and fleshed it out.

Conversely, the cast in DX:HR is smaller. Their outcomes are more predictable. No one ever quotes a philosopher or a poet (not even Milton!). In fact, you know what the The Students’ Representative Council (SRC) Legal Service has a static characters and grounded narrative remind me of? solicitor on campus to provide free legal advice, representation in Vampire: The Masquerade: Bloodlines … which is itself a court and referral to undergraduate students at Sydney University. game widely touted for its phenomenal script.

It’s an infinitely more focused experience than the original. We can assist you with: Appointments The goal of DX was to simulate a world; however I think • Family law (advice only) • Consumer complaints Phone the SRC Office to make an appointment 9660 5222 the goal of DX:HR was to plumb the depths of cyberpunk • Criminal law • Victims compensation Drop-in sessions as a genre, and its capacity for reflecting real life. In that • Discrimination and harassment Tuesdays & Thursdays 1pm-3pm (no need for an appointment) respect, it brushes with perfection. Not a cybernetic • Traffic offences • Tenancy law Location stone has been left unturned and unanalysed, with a • Insurance law Students’ Representative Council, University of Sydney deft, competent, and occasionally touching script to • Administrative law (government etc) SRC HELP • Domestic violence Level 1 Wentworth Bldg, Uni of Sydney accompany. It’s just a shame they didn’t go even further, • Immigration advice (one session only) 02 9660 5222 | www.src.usyd.edu.au to get even closer to the brilliant design of the first … • Employment law • Credit & debt • University complaints ACN 146 653 143 • Other general complaints Deus Ex: Human Revolution is out now Note: The solicitor cannot advise on immigration law but can refer you to migration agents and community centres. For Family The SRC’s operational costs, space and administrative support are financed by the University of Sydney. on Xbox 360, Playstation 3 and PC Law and Property Relationships Act matters we can refer you to solicitors who charge at a fair rate. 17 V Donherra Walmsley [email protected] PRESIDENT’S REPORT twitter: @srcpresident

It’s that time of year again. There are up to 5. The presidential ballot paper is as they represent more students. The armies of people in coloured shirts, the quite small and straightforward. National Union does things like lobby campus is covered in chalk, and poster the Government, write submissions The Honi Soit ballot paper is also boards are plastered over every few to Federal reviews, and run national small and straight forward, and like minutes. It’s election time! campaigns, for example the Fair Fares the presidential ballot, voting in this is campaign, the Campus Crimestoppers When you vote (and I’m going to go optional preferential. This year there campaign, the Fund our Future out on a limb here and guess that most are three teams running to edit Honi campaign, and the Students’ Money to people who read Honi, and certainly Soit, which is the only weekly student Students campaign, some or all of which those who actually read my reports, or newspaper in the country. They’re you may have seen out on campus over any of the other office bearer’s reports responsible for sourcing all the content, the course of the year. for that matter, will be taking the time designing, and laying out the paper that to vote either next Wednesday or you’re reading now. Both delegates to NUS and SRC Thursday), it’s important to know what councilors are elected on a quota With both of these ballots as there is exactly it is you’re voting for. system, as in both cases there are only one candidate/group to be elected, multiple people to be elected. This When you get your name marked off to counting of the ballots is quite simple. makes counting the ballots a bit more vote, you’ll be handed FOUR pieces of First of all, primary votes are counted for complicated, and for this reason while paper. That’s because there are actually all candidates, then the candidate with the results of the Presidential race and four separate (but interlinked) elections the lowest primary vote is eliminated, the Honi race are known on the night of happening at the same time. First of all, and all their preferences are distributed, the elections, it often takes a few days or there is the election for the position of then the candidate with the least votes even up to a week to find out the results President, for which this year there are after the distribution of preferences of voting above or below the line, just for both SRC and NUS. five candidates. I highly recommend is eliminated and preferences are like in the Senate/Legislative Council checking out last week’s edition of Honi distributed again, and so on until there The final ballot paper you’ll be given is elections. Remember though, stick to for all their policies, as well as dropping is only one candidate left in the race. for the position of SRC councilor, and let one type of voting. Voting above the by their stalls somewhere around the It is possible to win on primary votes me tell you, this ballot paper is freakin’ line means your vote will flow down uni to ask them or their team any (obviously) – you just need 50% or more huge. It is truly fantastic to see that in a the ticket in the order of people on the questions you might have. The President of the primary vote. That, however, time when many student organisations ticket. By voting below the line, you can is the person who sits on most of the is unlikely to happen in a field which are struggling to get people interested vote specifically for someone who might university boards and committees, as is so strong for both the Honi and the and involved, USyd SRC has been going be fifth on a ticket, and thereby increase well as being the person responsible for Presidential race (but hey, you never from strength to strength. Last year we their chances of getting elected. Voting the day-to-day oversight of the SRC as an know!). had a 15% increase in voter turnout from below the line is quite time consuming, organisation, which includes managing 2009, and this year’s council election is but remember you can stop voting at The next most manageable ballot a staff of 15 people, so it’s a pretty the biggest ever, which is a great sign any point, you don’t have to fill out all is that for the election of delegates huge role to take on. As with all ballots for democracy and engagement at this the boxes. to the National Union of Students. in the election, the vote for President uni. With the ballot paper being so huge Sydney University gets 7 delegates to Take the opportunity over the next is optional preferential, which means though, it may actually be difficult to the National Union of Students. These week to speak to as many people you you can just vote one (i.e. – if you think find the ticket you’re looking for, so it’s delegates are responsible for moving can about the elections, check out the there is definitely only one candidate not a bad idea to familiarise yourself and voting on policy which affects the tickets’ facebook pages, look at their for the job and all the others are equally with where the tickets you’re supporting direction of the National Union for the policies in election Honi, and ask the bad, you may choose only to place a are roughly on the ballot paper (i.e. – A next year. They also elect the office candidates questions. The election is one in that candidate’s box, and leave would be near the top, while CD would bearers of the National Union. Each important, and the candidates will be all the other boxes blank. Unfortunately be near the bottom). university gets a different number of more than happy to speak to you about this does mean that if your candidate delegates each with a different number Again, both the NUS and SRC elections why they’re running, so take advantage of choice isn’t elected, your vote will of votes depending on their equivalent are optional preferential, so you can of the opportunity to have a say in what exhaust), or you can number the boxes full time student load – i.e. – delegates vote 1 or you can vote all the way down you’d like the SRC to work on next year. with as many preferences as you like from bigger universities get more votes to 380. You also have the added choice

The SRC is running a campaign to get the University NUS is seeking to raise support for all students, to get more lectures recorded and available online, including local, international, part time and both preferably as podcasts. undergraduate and postgraduate students to have If you’d like to see more lectures being recorded (as a fair access to public transport through a complement to not a replacement for live lectures) help national concession card scheme. us out by filling out our survey; and if you don’t think lectures should be recorded, let us know that as well! Sign the online petition! http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/a-national- Fill in the survey NOW! student-concession-card.html online: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/podcastlectures or pick up a postcard in your lecture and fill in the survey on the back

Become a member of the SRC! Get involved! Join in person at the SRC Office or the SRC Bookshop src Podcast Lectures Campaign... Fair Fares! The SRC is running a campaign to get the University NUS is seeking to raise support for all students, to get more lectures recorded and available online, including local, international, part time and both preferably as podcasts. undergraduate and postgraduate students to have If you’d like to see more lectures being recorded (as a fair access to public transport through a complement to not a replacement for live lectures) help national concession card scheme. us out by filling out our survey; and if you don’t think lectures should be recorded, let us know that as well! Sign the online petition! http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/a-national- Fill in the survey NOW! student-concession-card.html online: http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/podcastlectures 18 or pick up a postcard in your lecture and fill in the survey on the back V Tim Matthews & Al Cameron EDUCATION OFFICER REPORT [email protected]

In 2011, there will be more people Problem is that nobody expected just be felt most acutely in more highly studying to attain a tertiary qualification how many more students Universities technical disciplines. The increase in than ever before. The fact that there are would enrol. Part of the impact of this Science and other technical studies lots of people studying at this University can be seen in the most recent Federal enrolments (like engineering) across the is of little surprise to anybody who has Budget, where the total funding for country increased by 10% (more than ever tried to find a desk in Fisher Library Higher Ed had to increase quite a bit, the national increase in total University at 3pm during STUVAC. Last year, there simply because their modelling under- students). You can bet that these was a 5.3% increase in the number predicted the number of students that increases will stretch lab resources, of individuals enrolled at Universities Universities would take. increase class sizes and, in these senses, across the country, and this trend is sent reduce the overall quality of education. to increase exponentially. Ok, so why do I care? An example of infrastructure that is theatres and course sizes. Undoubtedly, Why is this happening? In many senses, more people at likely to have to change around here University is a good thing. It certainly a large lecture theatre is better for is lecture theatre sizes. Currently, the things like sleeping, and playing Angry Previously, the Federal Government has widely beneficial social outcomes, biggest lecture theatre on Main Campus would only provide funding to each and is more likely to see socio-economic Birds, and less conducive to… you is the Eastern Ave Auditorium. The know… actual learning. However, it University up to a certain number of diversification among University University is currently kicking around enrolments. However, recently, the populations. All of these things are seems as though this may be one of the plans to build a 800-seat lecture only realistic avenues for over-enrolled government has deregulated that good. theatre/stadium for large classes, and system, funding for all students enrolled, courses like Psychology. We’d be really Where it starts to be problematic is the occasional Rugby World Cup match. interested to hear what you think about providing an incentive for Universities to At its last meeting, the SRC discussed enrol more students. where University infrastructure lags how these larger lecture theatres would behind the demand in places. This can the pros and cons of such large lecture impact on your learning?

Nathan & Claire QUEER OFFICER REPORT [email protected]

Last week marked USYD’s annual Pride for organising such a successful party year’s end good ground work can be Week celebrations. Although perhaps on Thursday night (with surprise free made towards getting our Ally Program the rainbow and glitter competed pizza!). up and running. Also, Ronny from our unfavourably with the motley of Collective has been working with ACON campaign shirts and posters I am proud Of course although Pride Week is now towards establishing an anti-violence to have seen such a successful Pride officially over that doesn’t mean there program on campus. I believe these Week. isn’t anything left to do! Our lovely are all very worthwhile causes and we NUS Queer Officer, Liv Hopkins (who welcome both GLBTIQ people and their I’d like to thank everyone that attended also volunteered her time to run a drag friends to help make this campus a more our Pride Week events. Pride Week workshop for us during Pride Week) diverse and accepting place! began unofficially with Queer Revue’s wants to introduce Ally Programmes show The Queen in the Seymour Centre. on all campuses. For those who aren’t Of course I want to end on one final Having been in the cast of last year’s familiar with the term, an Ally Program note – Queer Honi! It’s astounding! And show, it gives me great joy to see the is a network of queer identifying and time is fleeting (as submissions are due show more than double in size to a queer friendly students and staff who on the 20th of September). This year Queer Honi 2011 cast of 29! I can’t help but feel that can be first points of contact for any we have a team of very enthusiastic and even now we’re creating a distinct and student feeling unsure of their sexuality. talented editors shivering with antici… dynamic queer culture on campus. Pride Our allies can either talk to the student pation! I’ll stop now before I embarrass We are currently calling for interested queer- myself further. Submissions can be sent identifying students to submit articles, opinion Week officially began on the Monday, about it or refer the student to the right pieces, artwork, or other creative pieces with Monday evening being host to place. Establishing an Ally Program is to [email protected]! for Queer Honi. We want to have as many Coming Out by Candlelight, one of the something I brought up with her at the voices heard as possible so please contribute most emotionally moving traditions of beginning of the year and something The Queer Collective meets every and help make this year’s Queer Honi great! Sydney University’s Pride Week. I just I brought to the Collective’s attention Monday at 1pm in the Queerspace. want to say that I was so happy to see throughout the year. We are one of Come along and say hi and get involved! some recurring faces and also new faces the few metropolitan universities that Yours in Gaga, Nathan Li Submissions can be emailed to at our Pride Week events. I’d also like doesn’t have an Ally Program (imagine [email protected], and must be to take this opportunity to thank Jack that!). I’ve spoken to some staff to The Queer Collective meets every received no later than 20th September. and Ella, our Union Queer Convenors gauge their interest. I hope before the Monday at 1pm in the Queerspace. Come along and say hi and get involved!

Chad Sidler GENERAL SECRETARY’S report [email protected] At our first council meting of the and subjectivity that sought to tarnish individuals that oversee this publication. semester held last week, a motion to my reputation. I don’t remember Honi being this remove me as General Secretary was partisan in previous years, perhaps I just debated and voted on. The Motion I wrote a few sentences that simply wasn’t “in the loop” enough to notice. failed, it was only able to muster stated publically known facts and Become a member of the SRC! the support of 10 of the 33 elected individuals that are happy to peddle SO here I am, writing my General representatives. I would like to thank my mistruths about me each week couldn’t Secretary report and would like to Join in person at the SRC Office or the SRC Bookshop democratically elected colleagues for handle the fact that I was stating facts remind you (in the case you have been having confidence in me. about other individuals. living under a rock) that it is now the second week of campaigning for the SRC You may have noticed that last week It really concerns me that as General elections. my report was censored. It deeply Secretary I have been prevented concerns me that this occurred without from speaking my mind. I believe it is The SRC adopted closed campus src consultation or any sort of notification. disappointing that Honi Soit this year provisions at the council meeting held While my report went to print and thus has a record of putting partisan political last week. But as these changes won’t hopefully you were able to pick up a reporting above an objective view point be of any affect until the next election copy around campus and read it, it was to be presented for all students to in 2012 I won’t pass comment on these pulled from the online edition. interpret in their own way. changes until after the current elections the elections or the people involved. So are over. you will probably see Honi-leaks talking It really concerns me the double Now I stress this doesn’t apply to all of about myself and Patrick Massarani… for standards at play here. All year, letters the editors etc. This simply concerns During the SRC election period Honi a change… have been published full of emotion, lies some of the editors and some of the is not allowed to directly comment on 19 D CRYPToNOMiCON Clues are given in alphabetical order 15. Follows first good hosts (6) of their solutions, though not all letters 16. Place gem around ol' stone man (5) are used. Place them into the grid CROSSWORD 17. I thpeak like thith? (1,4) CRYPTIC jigsaw-wise, however they may fit. All across clues are monsters. 18. Number after 1001 ripped, we hear, Theseus's foe (8) 1. Warning in the style of empty room 19. In the mist, a keen error (7) (5) 20. Corrupt Verne at no time (5) 2. Say! Ban her wailing woman! (7) 21. One to sit inside at the place (2,4) 3. Yeti has large 12-incher (7) 22. Quiet Solo to mark start – that's the 4. Rotten mangey BO comes from the spirit! (7) person under your bed (8) 23. Wave of Mutilation singers have nine in 5. Nicer saber thus removes heads of pies (6) multi-headed hound (8) 24. Gemma's peculiar genital secretion (6) 6. Race him – a strange lion-goat-snake 25. Said to follow childbearing bird (5) (8) 26. Starts tearing up pit in rude depravity 7. Strip a gagsmith (5) (9) 8. Biscuit chef, for instance (6) 27. Bloodsucking temptress has anger (7) 9. Lived up with Satan (5) 28. Fast mover to spin around ZZ Top end 10. Lower ship around a snake that (7) causes intense thirst (6) 29. Ghoul hit raw ground (6) 11. Alice at mealtime reads her cake's 30. Undead tomb with head replaced, for instruction? (3,2) instance (6) 12. Do I oblige queer self-love? (3-6) 13. Direction of twitch in moons :) :/ JIM FISHWICK is the monster ;P (9) under your bed — with a GUN! 14. Unusual vice – I fart for s, z, sh, etc. (9)

PSEUDOKU TARGET D S E A A E R H P

RATING:

VIOLENCE!!1

COMIC fun

20 Alessandro TuniZ JULIAN LARNACH Better WIN ONE OF THIRTY omesand Garter. QUILT SETS H you will lose!

12 curtain designs to really get that orgy going SPRING CLEANIN’ Autumn nappin’ EATING YOUR CAKE AND KEEPING IT? CONCRETE CAKEs mAKE All POssIblE

OUR GUIDE MELT IN YOUR to getting carpet out of your red wine! MOUTH CUPCAKES! Cooking and eating your candles

Could your ROSES be more poisonous? Yes! LIVING ON A BUDGET

by Matthew Elderdown This one’s for the freshly single say “bonjour” to lava lamps, self- sites provide easy-to-print pictures side of her gra[Matthew, we asked among us. For the recently and taught French and piñatas for one! of dogs or, if you’re European, you not to write about this. You said joyously single, decorating a That muffled sound through the pictures of cats. If you don’t own you were strong enough. Please consider bachelor or bachelorette pad is a walls isn’t a “boo-hoo!”, it’s the a dog (or cat) these are excellent yourself on compulsory annual leave. chance to relive the heady days “choo-choo!” of the party train. conversation starters. –Ed.] of the dating scene. Say goodbye Sure, we won’t be insulating with to monogrammed towels and All the fresh paper in the world bags of cash, wads of cheques or cleaning up messy dinners for two, won’t make a flat smell good, pictures of loved ones, but we’ll be though. Air out that suit you’ve Here’s a mood-lifter: decorating our place with heart. been sitting around in. If you’re Get those trophies out of storage. feeling inactive, go for a run. Borrow books from your local Brighten up someone’s day when library and bring them home. Lost they see a man in a rumpled black your appetite for that macaroni? suit, white shirt and tie out for a Create a new work of art with jog. While out for your run, you your uneaten fun. Stock image can drop those flowers off to the CHILD-PROOF YOUR HOME with Corinne

When it comes to child proofing your kitchen floor or accidentally sand back any home maker keen to regulate the spiked floor, pit of flames or a crocodile- home, attention to detail is key. It’s your own foot for these sub-humans to age of visitors to the property. Though filled lagoon. important that the entire house remains bring your castle crashing down in bitter these canines may come with a muzzle secure at all times, at whatever cost. ruins. regulation, there’s no need to adhere to And voila! Your beautiful home is now it. completely childproof. The only mud Once these little buggers get in, you can The first step is ensuring all deadly cake to enter those doors will be adult farewell that pristinely folded mohair items are elevated to an adult height The third, and perhaps most effective, made and certified, strictly for the throw and bid adieu to that gleaming (generally 155cm or higher) – this will method is to install a pit at the entry enjoyment of grown ups (hint: the mud marble bench top. You’ve invested your guarantee the vulnerability of any gate. The pit should be the perfect is actually chocolate!). You can invest lifesavings and – if you’re subscribing pre-pubescent intruders. If rooms in width and length to permit adults, but in all of the china and white linen your to this magazine – probably signed your the house lack weaponry, we suggest not children, reaching the other side heart desires. soul over to the devil for your designer investing in easy to reach shurikens or (we recommend 185cm). If there are a home, so the last thing you want is grenades. number of entry points to the property, Pick up a copy of next month’s issue for a little pudgy digits bringing grease, mud a moat of similar width should be guide to bredding flesh and bone eating pigs. and shit from the outside world in to Secondly, purchase a vicious animal. considered. At the bottom of the pit is destroy it. You didn’t wear that palm Often newspapers report on aggressive where the designer inside you can truly down to the muscle from scrubbing the dogs that have a penchant for attacking shine: choose any interior you desire! children, which is a useful source for Popular options include the traditional In defence of pruning! Abe Lincoln (President, Statue) Four score and seven prunes ago, our . .we cannot consecrate. . . we cannot prunedied in vain. . . that this prunetion, fathers brought forth upon this continent hallow this pruneground. The brave men, under Godprune, shall have a new birth a new nation: conceived in prunes, and living and dead, who pruned here have of prunedom. . . and prune government BETTER HOMES AND dedicated to the pruneposition that all consecrated it, far above our poor power to of prune prune. . .by the prune. . .for the GARTER wishes to thank the men are created equal. add or detract. The world will little note, prune. . . shall not prune prune prune nor long remember, what we say here, pruning. following people Now we are engaged in a great civil war. but it can never forget what they did here. Testing whether that nation, or any nation Pruning. LINCOLN OUT BITCHES!!!!1 Julian Larnach, Michael so conceived and so dedicated to pruning. . . can long endure. We are met on a great It is for us the pruning, rather, to be LINCOLN OUT!!!1 Richardson, Bridie Connell, battlefield of that pruning war. pruniicated here to the unfinished work which they who foughtpruned here have Tom Walker, Laurence Rosier We have come to dedicate a portion of thus far so nobly advanced to pruning. It that field as a final resting place for those is rather for us to be here prunicated to Staines, Neada Bulseco and who here gave their lives that that nation the great prunetask remaining before us. of pruners might live (and prune). It . .that from these prunored dead we take James Colley is altogether fitting and proper that we increased pruning devotion to that cause should do this. for which they gave the last full measure We’ve installed water of devotion. . . that we here highly prune But, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate. that these prunedead shall not have features in your eyes.

Lincoln boarding his helicopter

Next week: splades vs. runsible spoons—the showdown IN THE GARDEN. COOKING CORNER. With Grandpa Patterson With Nanna Patterson

CLEAN UP BROWNIES Good morrow, sprouts! Welcome back down home touch of a bag of lime and a I used to make these little treats for my 6. For those who like a little bit of to another week in the garden. If your shovel. wee Janey and Hugh – always a sure sugar and spice and all things thumb is as green as mine and you’ve fire hit with the youngies and oldies nice, contact your local dealer for been following our weekly little article No need to worry too much about the alike! a $20 bag of marijuana. you should be up to step seven of our brand of shovel, of course. The hole landscaping escapade: the clean up! we’re digging is going to be quite shallow. Method: 7. Meet in a dark alleyway for the This may seem like a boring step, but Not too much strain on this old back! exchange. 1. First things first – preheat your real gardeners like myself know it can Next we’re going to need a good reason oven to 180°C. Don’t forget to line 8. If Big Joe tries to stiff you a little make a world of difference. Now, on to for the soil of your back yard to have been a baking tin with baking paper! on the price, work his ribcage. step seven! freshly upturned. So, what better reason I’ve known Big Joe since he was 2. Combine brown sugar, butter and At this point the hooker should be to lay some pavers! This will spice up Little Joey and that boy just can’t milk chocolate in a saucepan over dead, and the body transported safely your garden parties and save you from handle a shiv to the gut. a low to medium heat – or use one into your back yard. As always, make the embarrassment of an unsightly hand of the new “microwaves”. 9. Stash the baggie and make your sure that your back yard fences are high emerging from the dirt. way calmly past the nearby pub to avoid the peeping eyes of unwanted Now we’ve come this far together so I 3. Let the mixture cool for a little security. neighbours. guess there’s no turning back. If you turn while then add the eggs, beating well. 10. Stir walnuts and weed into Now, we have a few options here and me in, I’ll turn you in, sprouts. I’ll tell them it was all your idea. This old man’s mixture. different gardeners have their own 4. Sift together the flour, cocoa and not going to prison. No sirree! methods. Some think a pig is the best baking powder into the chocolate 11. Pour mixture into tin and bake for option, but I am That brings us to the end of another week mixture and stir until well about 35 minutes. not among them. in the garden, my friends. Come back combined. No sirree! For me These brownies are delicious served next week for our next installment of the sprouts, nothing 5. Now add half a cup of chopped warm from the oven with a big dollop landscaping escapade, step 8: feeling the will ever compare walnuts. of yummy vanilla ice cream, and are with Corinne urge again. to the nice just the ticket if you need to liven up that dinner party with Bill from IT. DECORATING AND DESECRATING. Which curtains best suit your Indian Burial Ground?

Can you hear that? The sound of spending a night in this big, spooky, brutal time! The dried blood completely clashed the fashion siren blaring into the and - lets face it, boys and girls, drab with whatever they thought they were Weapons, signs of violence, bones! The distance? Well then, I must have mansion. doing with that skirting. Hello? Can you walls were covered in blood and tribal imagined it when I heard about our hear me back there in 1786? It was getting dark and I was hungry markings. The stone had been clawed latest little dilemma. so I started puttering about looking for at from the inside and a corpse lay I don’t know if any of these poor lost It seems long time Better Homes and something to nosh on, when lo and underneath, reaching for the sky. souls are regular subscribers to my Garter subscriber Uncle Louie passed behold I find myself in the house’s very column, but they violated rule number But the curtains, the curtains my dears! away just last week. Boo hoo, I know, own Indian Burial Ground. 38 of my good home guide: remember They were a hideous beige number but just you wait for the real tragedy. poppet, always, always, always decorate I tell you, my pets, it was horrifying! lined with a golden trim that seemed The fashion tragedy. your sacred burial grounds as best you can, Truly disgusting! A relic from a lost and straight out of the last century. lest any future civilisations call you tacky. So, here I was all on my lonesome

Abe Lincoln (President, Statue) BUY DUCKTHISTLE! BETTER HOMES AND DIRT FOR SALE GARTER wishes to thank the following people

I guess you could say it’s

We’ve installed water unusually inexpensive. features in your eyes. Contact Gregor. He’s just “Happiness is just a over your shoulder. duckthistle away!” $500 per duck. Students’ Representative Council BECOME A MEMBER! The University of Sydney Join in person at the SRC Office or SRC Bookshop (details below)

The SRC provides the following The SRC provides the following SRC Books - Big savings on textbooks on campus! services to SRC members...services to SRC members... • Buy & sell your textbooks • Search for books online at www.src.usyd.edu.au Student Support & Advocacy Located: Wentworth Level 4 (opposite the International Lounge) • CentrelinkCentrelink AdviceAdvice ASK US • AcademicAcademic AppealsAppeals Emergency Loans • Discontinuing/Withdrawing ABOUT $50 emergency loans for students in need • Students at Risk • Show Cause Student Publications • Exclusion • Honi Soit - the SRC’s weekly newspaper • Tenancy Advice pick-up a copy available on campus • Fee Refunds • Student Handbooks: O-week, Counter Course, • Harassment & Discrimination International Students & Women’s Handbooks. • International Students • Plagiarism & misconduct Student Rights & Representation SRC Representatives are directly elected by students SRC Legal Service each year to stand up for students’ rights on campus • Referrals and in the wider community. • Discrimination & Equal Opportunity We are located at.. • Employment law Level 1 Wentworth Building SRC down Stai • Minor criminal matters/traffic offences/ fines (under City Rd footbridge) RS • Victims of violence Ph: 02 9660 5222 Student • Debts www.src.usyd.edu.au Central wentworth If you are at another campus, building • Immigration advice (one session per student) email: [email protected]

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