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':.:.fl:1i;: KILLDOZER c\aMMiT- All answers are those of Mr. Michael Gerald, Killdozer's celebritv :i singer. Celebrtty ProIlIe: Take your ttne and answer all the questions. No partial credit will be given for incomplete thoughts, even buddtng genius.

THE AMI-CIIRIST: No doubt about it, the Snuggles Bear is the Anti-Christ. When it comes on TV, which I watch constanUy, my testicles receed (proof positive).

WHITE TRASII: Refers to that breed of people that eat Spam as adults, drive rusty "I Camaros, shop at Wal-Mart, and proudly say of thef trailerhome own it." White Trash congregate at county fairs and auto shows and in the woods during deer season. "Shit Some white trash culture has permeated the greater culture, e.g. happens," home shopping networks, and Cajun food. (Cajuns are swamp-dwelling white trash, although trailerhomes cannot be parked in swamps). New York artists are by far the worst.

FAVORITE BODILY FLI'IDS: The tears of a chi]d whose puppy has been backed over by rnother in the family car. "People's PORNOGRAPIIY: I think Choice" porn would be a good idea. There should be more celebrity porn. I'd like to see Marsha Brady sandwiched by Dom Deluise and Buddy Ebsen. I'd also like to see Tootie from Facts o;flgte show off her fist-sized nipples. The best IVe seen yet v/as Art Linkletter giving a nm job to a sow in heat in the classic peep show Ballbus ters.

FAVORITEEDEROGATORY WORDi Jazz, or reggae. it's a toss-up.

FAVORITE BAI\IDS: The DeFranco Family, the Love Unlimited Orchestra, Hot Chocolate, Black Oak Arkansas, and damn near anlthing that isn't on SST.

ANAL FISTIJLA Henry Rollins and,/or Donny the Punk.

FAVORITE POSITION: I€ad truck in a convoy.

BUGS BItNf\fY: A transvestite. He is constantly dressing up to seduce Elmer Fudd. Foghorn I€ghorn on the other hand, now that guy has plenty of male hormones.

CHILDIIOOD ABUSE: No, my parcnts loved me. They still do.

rA\/ORITE PLACE TO EAT CHEESEBITRGERS: Spiro's cyro Emporium, Ptainfleld, Wisconsin.

IDIOTS WHO SHOIJLD BE SHOT DEAD: Rastafarians, mirnes, Sigoumey Weaver, people in Minneapolis, Karen Finley, Henry Rollins, Robert Christgau, Neil Simon, people who wearJams, the owner of the Cat Club, and whoever took Hello Inml off the air.

MOVIES AND/OR VIDEOS3 The Btllg Jack trilog/ is hands down the best. Especially the scene in Trt(l,l oJ Billy Jack, Irr which the bov with only one hand and a hook is taught how to play a guitar.

MASTTTRBATION: I don't need to do this, but if I did, I would use a g-D picture of Ma.rtha Og5n yhlle Lqing a l_ar of sand, or else use a photo of Martha Raye while using a hoover. I'11bet Heffy Rolltns has to masturbate ouite a btt. SUBURBAN VOICE

D.0.4. EXODUS G00G00 Dolrs KILLDOZ ER SOULSIDE ffi WRECKINGCREW I I HfrHH,H, I

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B fr : Because there's not enough mo.ey to all the g i;;Ea1 patients in the mental hosPitals vtlete ! lhe inleres!ing intelvie\, lies ahead, as Quite They a1I waLk around Madison. wisconsin's and jov, Killdoze!' uaais;n, P!ide -offe! Michael: That's shete aIl our street PeoPLe b from the hentallv il1 to Burl Ives opinioni on everything 6Ei-: we're quite fond of them. Tt is ttio, naslers of the big noise' eith ! r; Mark Twain. MichaeI : TheY're cute and cDddlv. steep rn bus stops, E pee!s to match !hei! in!ense savagerv and 9ut-leve1 few keeD the benches rarn. .r"r"t.ffi"", have 4 records unde! their belts, the mosc "Littte'LlLtle - Bili: Thele's naned Nancy eho walks around and s one being Baby BunLin"Buntrn on Touch & Go. recen! fi:;-a big boon box and a balon and she sets the boon box B ((i I lddzer incLualesinc L Michael Gera]d (bass/vocals). Bill iLldoze! it for hours on end. I! s a ; (9uila!) and Dan Hobson (druhs)... do{n and she conducts fiobson vonderful tosn. Michael: thele's also just a hu-fuckin'-munqously obese you guys of people conParing to the -tracx Ef: Are sj.ck vou ror"" ttrat we catl lhe "camel lady" because of her Birthday Party? body build. oh, yeah. BiIl: oan: Two of us ale married. Birthday Palty broke uP a long tine ago. biii rtre EfTr: ro each other, {e're better:. il;hael: And Michael: To NancY and the me abou! some of the lyricar ideas. ati_- Telr Dan. Nor the two Hobson brothe!s are married because articles in the rnetro section of frTchaer: Ne,rspape! narrying kind. paper. LocaI haPPeninss, Iocal goinss on iEire tne iEdllii 8r,11: ahat's what Dan likes to say. l]iedding anniversa!ies, esPecialLv sitver national. frf;taet: Bill look off his ring for the tou!. golden anniversaries. I don ' ! have ny wedding ring on because r sv: No, c'mon. . , @i-ectuarry, and if I catch nv EJchael3 Alright. I {en! out on a !angent. NewsPaPer work conslruction, that's my sidetine, finger on a narl, ic'd get ripPed right off. nose a board. DM: And lJsr sLuff thdt /ou hedr. Dan: He caught his on r,4rchdeI: And th-nqc thdt \aPPen rn frTEnaer: I'm not the narrying kind. I'll fuck anvlhing place bark. svj--Ftrat kind of is Madison? iiiE-?-oesn't "sweet rt's a wonderful little town. It's a co11e9e !o!tn. sv: A couple of you! cove!s have been Home iin, "cinnaFon frl;hael: utopia ! 150,000 corn-fed babes and dudes. ffabama" and Gir1" and, seeing how Nell Young "southern ffiuesttea between 2 lakes. wroce Man" and skynyrd wtoted thelr song as a eirr, '.litb lots of whoopies Palking around response !o it, did you do both to present bolh sides of FI66pies are aIl the people who wele kicked the story? Is that on PurPose? you'le filst person to pick that up- state mental hospital then they cu! the taxes. trLL!: You know. lhe w: speaking of menlaL hosPitals, {he!e did vou guvs card. I6at oatient's report tha! ras on the innersleeve of M 9l1!9lr we'l1 gibve you a sold sta! on vour report BilI: That's sort of funny because nobody eLse has ever Michael: The man himself handed it to ne one molnrng, on El;Fed tha! uP, excePt fo! me ii mV to work. carl...his whole name was on there, but I !,4ichaeI: Unfortuna!eLY, it's kind of the trong NeiI Young tno-911 berter of actudtly his entrre nane, ;ong in that 1r!hle b3!!le of minds, baltIe of wils. A 'ano Puttin9 .ddress phone numoe!, unich were on there, so I RepubI ican fron canada and some dead Confedelate shlthead crossed.Lr all ou!. No, he was on the street one morning, 'cause 6:30, handed it !o me he tooked like a hiPPie and I sv. rt's kind of stlanqe how Neil Young has sPilched his "ok, though!r I bet this is religious mate!ial," but it ;61itica] affi l iation, anyeay. "am eas so(etbing entitled I A PsychoPath?" and I read all Bill: He's just old. of iL dnd, yes, le's d osYchoPaLh. tlictraer: I guess rE I once associa!ed with those and Nash I'd try to as far to the 9y: fiha! vas doing ou! if he's a PsychoPath? crosby, st!IIs 90 cipposit e extlene as I coutd. Michael : Borgasno!d I we wele actuatly rhinklng of putting Ernest Bill: Mr. crosby, though, what a consuMate !f_l_L, "Bur1. " Did you qoE Bolgdine on see h.im after ne our of his Jdil .ound looked tike a mobsler, a big fat nobster. vi.lael: BJt re a Pl.ture of Bu!L fi!st. I'm s!it1 a big fan of Michael r But he looks good without the baking Ernesr Borgnine. chuck Connors, Henry iJinkler I like chuck that' s leally great about David efl], Connors because it,s repured rhat he ord a loL ot gay porno crosby :is even though he was a total coke addict, he was fticks on Ehe sjde. ;hrch I rhink is a reaIIy great fat as hell. Sonehow, he found tine to eat in betreen tn.Lng for any numan being Lo do. M.'crael: Xarl doing a] 1 tha! cocaine. What an arnazing man! Md]den,s the onty nan wno even approaches the talen! of EEnest Borgnine. But, easily, "The toseidon !C, wlrat othe. cover versions have you go! that you haven't riecorded? Adventure" was ftade by Ernest Bolqnine. "The Michaelr .cator Countly', by MoLly qatchet, !3a: tie saw a good novie on Iv roday, T!ial of BiIly "llong cool 9roftan In a Black D!ess." we played rhat 4LL!: Michael: The one perf(:ct]y and lre decided that really sucks. kids at the free schoot! llichael: "suspicious Minds," "It,s "Ruby, 4LLL: rhe kids at rhe flee scboot are alI about 30, it,s Not Unlrsuat," gleat. Don't Talte Yout Love ?o Town." They're learning so much there. "L'a "KaLi " lllchaet: But there was a child in the novie. a boy {ith 4iL!: Grange," a Bank wiltians song la. a sv: You guys take a1l the culrural hook lnstead of a hand and they taught rlim to guilar at Michael: lie like a celebrity. the flee school. Brrr: obviously, slide guilar. 9!: Yeal,, like on your last EP, you had Burl Ives on the Michael: He struMed with his hook. ahis is not unlike hos we Lauqhr Michael: Yeah, and this year ir,s Nikita Khrushchev. Bi LLy, a functionrng half-wit, to play !I: Do .your sort of see a paratlet between Burl rves' storytellj:n9 and youE storytettins. Dd: After we got him marliedt Mrchael: r,ie lCgi I sr r€ss, yes. 90! hin married, taught him how to drive a Michaelr Parallel? You mean a parallel universe? car, leplaced his brain rith a hook so he coutd ptay Bill: N(), Iike in parallel palking. Are you parked Ds: Mike's behind Bur I Ives in the storytelling universe or in fron!? unnarried but hers a got a main squeeze who,s glgleg]: ,_ (coughs, chokes, etc,. )rhat ras an answei. ta 11e! than hin. Dan: You ibette! answer better than that. Michael: A coupl€ of lnches taller than me so I have to g.lglCgl: lr: lhink of myself as Mark rwain. wea! coPboy boots in bed... SV: Let's !alk about musicat influences. gLL!: so are you a believer of the leconsritution of the De: We used !o lislen yes, souL into another being and you're Mark Twain. is rhar !o bands llke uliah what you 're saying, Mike? Micbael I Kiss, My firsr concert--blew qerosFlLh. Michael: I believe rn the constitution. The constitucion we our Steve Tyler and Joe Pelry on guarantees me the right to be obscene. to quote a famous g:l!, classical rock. Speaking of lhat, isn.t the concePt of classical !ock the most you've BilI: Iarry EIYnt. There's a really inleresE!r9 cdse. maudlin thing ever heard in your He-a's a narr who's been paralyzed and his pee-pee doesn'! life, classicatty rlained rock '1e's an oxyRoron. even work a ymore yer sEtll publisl ino srur. |.Jl-yrs 't !-glf: I don lea]ly like Yes anymore. but r really en them for awhile. He nakes noney. toyed BrLL: Especially when Rick Wakenan was Bill: Oh, il;'s honey? O(, Iget it. in the band. Dd: The guy's got too high of a puss. Bu t, back lo Burl Ives, 1et's put it !his voice. He's a Iqi chael r Bu! the nrushroons At the monen t we nade that wele obsessed they had onstaqe were g!ea!. Rise above lhe floor--i! him. 5 ni nutes 1ater, it p.obably would have was eerie. Like they sere sohebody else . tike Nipsey Russell. or, yesterday, Bill: Don't you l,{ink]er, Jo A hn Wo!ley. had 5100,000 to blow on a !ea11y stuprd sei I ike SI: Hoq abc,ut Mason Reese? I sar hin on one of 'd Michael: I have 5100,000 to do just about Mlchael: Mas€n Reese is a lifelonq obsession for ne. He's sv: why the tltle 'rLittle ;;;-able.adolable, I tustrust wdnEwant toto lreakLLeak his'ra cheek. Baby Buntint"? It's what Elvis used Bill: Actuallly, Mason Reese--you night not know Chis, but !9.1: to calt Linda Thonpson, rhe woman that came afte! PrlscilIa. I'lichael ceralal changed his nane. He used to be Mison Reese S!9!C9l: In ;an attenpt to hake people sive ae snugsjes. sv: That's nc't true. I saw Mason Reese on TV a few years ago and he l ooks exactly the sane a6 he did t0 years

!4icha€1: Masor'r Reese is fahous for "borgasmord. One th ing about l4ason Reese is be's a "Silver " than I{ebster a| the kid from spoons, SV: He should have been ETrr, I know, Mason a lot of novie ties b ecause he i a that EIvis Probablv used BlIl: Anywavs, L's Phrase "honev. T?EEuentrv. Thar, dlong wich, get ne another ;;;;;; ."i o! Lhe rrideJ and make me .nothe! banana and in a pound of butter"' ;e;nuc butter sandwich fried "IntellectuaLs ivr wtracabou! the ritle of vou! fils! EP' i;e The shoeshine Boys of the Rullng Elite"? 9i11: It just seettred like a conPletelv long statenent I IEEE naae n; point about anvthing unle€3 vou took offense l to it. I suPPose lhe more ladical you are, the more-vou hioht aqree wiEh lt. The lesE radtcal, lhe mole you d oe riia or-olssea off about that. tlhen that title cane out, a lo! of people accused us of being anti-intellectual but' r don't inoi, it lakes a little bit of brains to even fioure out 'rhat .it neana. !vi your sones se-em!o tert .-li:" iPg.1t-!1": ::ll:' ,o-ixi"o p.opf"j r rive in a lown like chat and r think' "ny qod,'tniseqod' these guvsguys are vritinsvritingvrrtrng songsson93 aboutaDouE shere rI live'"live.' siiri Yeah, xadison is verv blue co]Iar. Even though IF? a liberal tosn, it's verv btue collar baEed' It's Uike's background, detinitely. Not like John Cougar Mellencahp 'rho's ltriling these naudlin songs that are aDDeaIinq to the !idicuLous pa!riotisri o€ a blue collar ,ilx.., i tolalIy knee-je!k r;ac!ion. irhat we'!e doins i3 nore li.ke everyday life. You're not patriotic except lthen vou think aboul i!, which is rarelY. n,here next check's -coninqiv, You're nore concelned about vour trom or vour n€xt fuck' BiIl: Exaclly. Nhal you'd reallv like to do ro vour wife ;F;; she bitches a! you. what vou'd like to do !o vour friends when yo'r tnink Lhev're being stuPid' r!'s the roo! of all violence and evil and wonderEulness in chrs ehole sociely. "setting Sv: iJhat v;s the stolY behind sonny's balls on TTre" on "ahe PuPPy"? Bi.lI: That's a iong about this notorcvcle gang in Madison iE6-sere real1y quite unintelligent. In fact, lhev didn't even own motorcycles. They're initiating lhis quv into this notorcycle club and he oade a bunch of lude co @nts so they kind of killed hin and did atl to then. b;fo.e, 'cause those thin96 Lo him. They were reaIIY sluPid thev it to a bartencler. qo! cauqh! because they bragged about re r"k,1d the rr1al. lluman fillhb. v@risror rh. s'ta-diM.d Bd Bnrdssirp. ourrfi rr6 M 6o?d. irre t"pe tras a lot oi little sniPPets from WdrI ldrb.doondnd.diyriosq.tu drss.t . ti 6 lwd stF s Hi n d|. d! ol rE t d rid l e.chd sv! tou also have soheone getting sick over EngLebert ,rud ftsid bn Dboolo. trhrftrbtuell drub.olAdiro so 8&, riis r(rrdcu6!.a ru-mperdink's "Lonely ls A Man without Love." bq/rd.id tr 'tsOE lr 4106 tsl ll7 (LP/Crt750 C0lr5 m) gilf: well, because Engelbert is kind of on the right rd3rPayabre nus Fuidsro .l i?i?x, u"t he's totally removed fron it. fie aloesn't \ ss'rFo.ods P o obviouslv. But it's the i- i' /, rea]lv know what he's singing' ssT Marod8r 12r3)335.50r0 riqht idea--it's all lhere in the song' And, actually, ca rhe ssT Horhe (2r3)335.1955For Gsn riro uiie store soRe lines in his sods fron lt. Dan: You may notice a ]ot ol lyrics ale stolen. !t's EE?ier to ste;I a rot of limes than it is to s.ite vour

Bill: A lot cooler, loo'. -

FIGITIINE THE CI,AIMP. DOWIT OtrUINI'TIPTN]T'TN':T tttrUSrC ArVIt PRrlfi's! Il[e a"re a non-profit orclani:ziation that was forned to be ,n outlet forc all ki.ntls of ildependent mediar no m.atter how aynarr the audielce. We are an ,'rlternative to lrlgb atore Prices a.d rip-off eistributors. Look to us for that bookt record, tape or fa-zine that you can't finit. Or betp us ltet in sto(ik wlrat you tbiak the world is nissin€ oul; on.

On MaSr 15 we be€in sellin$ t() the pubtic. . Sentl for a catalo,lt. fc: \- ^S- rrS

i(\ € ffim Tf:So ia there !o!. of a gcbler Lo beiDgpEobably ,".. "r.""..r* J the ousie sceue Lu the State6? effect iatended? a DAN:There is a cross-over to some BIL:Isnrt it funny hou thaE works? | extent but I think rieht nor, in DAN:It's inlentional. I America there's all Ihis speed MG:1,1edidnrt knov Hhat the sonr I s tuf f . should be about,rn' then Dan said i I MC:They appeal ro people 10 years knos a tood joke,Ietrs make it the I younSer lhan us foE one thing,some happiest thing 're can Lhink of. I \low qr*

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I stole the shole Ed cein X-rav MG:Arthur Bremer.He s f rorn BIL: Yeah,maybe lhere is a fiIe.It had X-rays of his head,hi; Irisconsin too,he I s lhe man that connection Lungs,from the top of his head and shot George Wallace and put him in MCrJohnthe lonp. his fee t, a wheel chair. XXX:John HoloJs the man vith XXX:There rere sone real hith tech XXX:eeorge Wallace eas e racis t ?ho schlont abou! rhis bit. X-ravs. ran for pres iden t of the Uniled TY:A vhat? HC:We lhought one of lhose eouLd be States. 8IL:A schlonP.- mrgnEynlce. MC:Governor of Alabama.He still DANiAhoEn, TY:gele they tlleB efter hls delth? ruled Alabama from his wheel chair BIL:A soody. XXX:Oh,no.We gof then after he lJas but Arthur Bremer put hi.m there. HG:John Thomas. dead but they eere taken when he XXX:Like a benevolen t despo!. DAN:Astif f v. eas alive. MG:He was going to tEy to kiII HC:Lasc niphi r.e sDent -namessreat de6I HC:He died not long after ihat.He Richard Nixon but then found that of time 8-oing Ehrough for died only teo or lhiee yeals ago George {laIIace was easier to get pussy that seemed !o as tound our XXXTHe vas such an odd hosts. phenonenoorand just BIL:There is a lot of he happened to XXX:He didnrr kill hi.m rhoush.-l{ho slane for be in the state tha! re lived in. HCrHe didnrt realLy care he things ltke that in America. l{C:A local foLk hero! He lived killed.He just had to kill sofie- MG:EspeciaIIy with guys like us ,rho ecross the lake from us ln the body to be imDortanl. are obsessedlJi!h such thincs. state mental hospital tiII ihe day TI:it dldn'r iorl very rell. TY:I uas under the i[PressioD that he dled. MG:No, because aIl he did uas pussy [eaot sooethiDt else iE the XXX:Some!ines you'd see him out in cripple a man no body Iiked any state3. 6 boat fishj.n8. way.Not like Larry FIinr rho is BIL|llhat do you think it means? YG:Fishint for Carp.They'd Sive him also in a uheel chair from somebodvTY:Cunt. a Iittle lrooden spear and leE him shooting at him,but he's fondly BIL: Salne thing. spea! some Carp. loved by everybody,he I s Ehe MG:Poos eL. TY:On the cods Faeourite Dog publisher of Hustler. b lL: lr)'n. codpilatioD that thinq ghere MG:The unhealing oound! 'Breoer it Tl:Els Ylfe dled Eeceotly- sayi iu custodi after TY:ErE, thatt s h6rrible! n the BIL:Yeah from A.I. D.S atiacl- Tt:So dld Joh! Eohes- BIL:lle're EeaIly into slang every_ a- iike this speed thinS? you do shat you do?" Ir's a littLe 8a,6"@wvryffi DAN:l,lerve done a number of shows out there , bu! I suppose ee can 'rith lhe EUTTI{oLE SURFERSand t{e ansser 1c. a lot of shoes ,rith BIG DAN:Here\re are.it'q not somethint used to do t 'ebout. BLACK uhen they \{ere stiII lje ve reaLly though! losether. HG:Soire don'l have to have iobs. MG;It's hard ro tell. I for one,for BIL: tle aII have jobs, parL, eatch lhem.I the most never MG:lle aLl have jobs but thete not just staY some{here else usually hard jobs. and dEink. BIL:The costs are Dhenomenal. TY:Anv reasou foE tbat? break even much.Itrs drink at someDAN;We PEettY BIL:Y6u've sot to an expensive hobby. poinl and itrs harder to drink ehen 're MGrtle do i,hat re do, to meec you playing ! to become your do chicks.to se! drunk and i'lc:ilhen bur for the oonth, ramous!exeJt werve aII me! the \.,atching olher you 8et tired of chicks so' rlolr it's jusL the af ter niqht. bands nish! drinkinP and fame. ve don't play !,,ith the DAN:But TY:EDPlish baEds are very ouch staE 8UT'IHOLESURFERS thal much' ' you th;t LiDd of about the vehieles,do find MG:I'm noE talkinS [uch iD the statea. other bands in attitude ao BUTTttoLESURFERS'the t people in bards l,ould ,(l SURFERSI'd MG:No, mos seneral.The. BUT'IRoLE concider Lhal hopeless. ilgays ratch 'Jhen ee play wilh DAN;There are people ltho PlaY t miss them. SCRATCHACID, I'd never *ave music.. in sone toen asfull new them.Bu! ehen You PIaY be big in EnBland is to be kids' you've never BILTTo siEh some Iittle big in a place the size of the then and it's lheir second heard State of gisconsin. nigh! ou!. of itrs site you cstr you see one song and TY:Because BIL:And You stay in your gaEste aicler sha! every songs tettiDs knoe exactly Soing atrd sicLeE for yeara befoEe eoyoue to be like. YiIl Botiee you aDd hype you or DAN:IL's that sPeedcoieYou kno!' teo, thEee rhat evet. ttc: Slo'r r SLo,r,S los 'one' Ehen be defaned. go really fas!. I donr! BILrAnd and they oAN;Then everybody hates you. eanna w6tch tha t. yes band. over here ooY. BIL: You're terdays Tf:Thlts r bt8 thlEt you lile the publicltY in America too. Tf:gould -irhere se eo it's a little bit DAN:I t's blr oger here? differenE.Itrs nice to pick up (Loads of-9tuff aboul tour da!e9t 'n' shit.) BIL:l.lhaEever. those words so you can spting them and tloI land MG:9e'd love to be bi.g! on people.Even Hc:Boy ve're confused here. 're're in the states it's jet BILrBut rere. not Sonna die if di fferen t everylrhere yor.rgo. BIL:Thst's just becauseof Ia8. most of the time not. TYaAre you popular in the states? DAN:I'm confused DAN:tle'11be ok. lJay. 8IL: No! any BIL;If itrs fun to keeP doing'this DAN:Emmmo.. in the norlh. MC:It's not jel lag that makes mehas been fun to cone over here MG: It varies, there are certain step ou! into traffic.I feel like belive it or not. places, the noEth east, the pacific, an dld man lrhose golten senile, and Tl:gov far eould you lite to tlkc north |Jest..Seat!Ie and in Texas. foreo tten where he is. tt? DANiIn the mid-t,'esl wetre popular. 8lL:You don t teel rlPht until DAN:We'dI ike to 8et to I taly I MC:Bul like in CaIifornia..No. you've had maybe six or seven BIL:l.le'd like !o be in vegas DAN:We might be but serve never pintsrand Ehen the vhole evening is even!uaIIy.9e'd l ike to be wearint played lhe.e. real level and steady.You might not BIL:l,ie played once along time ago. be walklng s traight but yoLrr $ts MG:In the South. no not at aIl.ge s Eeaoy. don'r mind. TY:Ig there any thtES you (y o'"rlr TY:Tbat could be b€cause of Sseet particularly YeEt to do rhile your gooe Alabala. iD this eouDtay? I BIL: I don' t knos lhe South is ALL: See Stonehenge. I really s LEanSe. MG:Have a good lieal. MG:The university of Alabama radio BIL:So is there any thing you'd v slation made that there theme sonr recommend. and they teE bonb threats ehen !het TY: Leave t play itl (Loads noEe lJaffle about hos many Tf:Eoe do you thlEl the crltics PeoPreIe Iike11 KILLDOZER in eapecially YlIl dcal Yith you oveE Norlhampton. ) here? BIL:Let's8IL: Let's seese if ire can find a 8IL:That aII depends on Ehe queslion that sould be a nice segue critics. back in..ge never reaLly covered 1,,ntt "1 l'lc:Hey, ue've gor Edvin Pounceys bake offs.. EeII him some of the r11 o l'' l/."- pecker in our pocket! recipes. \ /1u BIL:After meeling us he probably MG:l.laterrnelon pie was easily the naces us. best.This is the aclua1 recipe.You TY:Youtre not alooe ,I thlnt he take a watermel,on and cut it into hates ahost egcrvoEe. eight circLer disks, then you have MG:Yourve 8ot ieally tiny pool !o have a pie pan,ihen it says of balls here,se played pool last lhe eighi disks take the one thaE nighc and it sas very difficul!! besr fits .the pie pan,p'.rt ii inro LittIe biddy balIs,I thouSht pie pan 'd iust rhe then bake it. vou vant io know! TY:ghe! you open tt up 13 lt stlll -8IL :And in America they're a Iot there? neav1e r , BIL: No.it's pEob8bly reaIIy Tg:Didu't they nake pool balls iE disgusting. the states out of aole kind of MG:Hehad a good ooe for I think lt expLosive by ni3teheret oDe poilt? uas Russian Tes.Which lras made lJith DAN:I think I knolr what you're an eight ounce jer of Tang,I don't ta lki ne about, knou if you have lhat here.I!'s a MGrThai's ioterestinS. posdered orange drink.It l,as lhe DAN:They blel' up occasionally. beverate of the astronauts.I! | s TY:IheEe vere lots of deatha- resl modern sluff.He gef lots of ...AEyYay shat soEt of batrda do recipes lhat involve hot dogs. you like to play rith lf you don't BIL:Here is a question."lihy do tood+ clothes Like EIvis !.as riSht tJhen he sas reaIIy heavy.ge'd Ilke to cet !ha! heavy loo: Snu,llot of oioole think that bands think abou!' th6t,but re jus! do \rha! \re do.Practice some sonts and PUt OUt A recoro. HG:ge do it for the oomen!'sofer the momenthas Iasied five Years. TY:(La8 Coffe€ srld llll. vra a lidtetrl vrr expectr.ot e !.rI evil

ridget! ( Laugh ter ) . BIL:To kins he is a midset. MG:Kingsa-very taII mai.I'm 5 foot six 120 pounds.Trice as much money as ee'11 make tonisht.- TY:ghat do you thLuk to the "Anerica! BIRTmAY PARTY' coopaEisons that coEe your gay. BIL: Very Liring. DAN:Boliox,thaa's a good vord for rt. Mc:Bachman Turner 0verdrive uould be a good sound comparisontthey're a canadian band. itIL: lneV'ouch re a{.tEUIL. TY:Eou of ehat you do is a reactiod aRaiost bardcore. Tnr{A( -not BIL:Werre a reaclion apalns! compared to lheo automatically . TY:Theretre ihat,I don't hate ir. meansyou re noc oriaine I. arards for that. MC:Wejust nevet noticed it. 8IL:Ano!her thing DAN:EventalIy the queen will say ai char rime Ehe your DAN:The only reason ire evea got only th!ng that was any A-ok by me aDd pur her stami thing other on It- associaled with it was because \rhen !han reaIIy fasr tdas rhe BiRTHOAy we sLarted out they were the only Party.For one thinR se dontt ff:Doiut youE bit for the trade shoot deficit? kind of shoes you could do. up .drugs, we're fair-Iy healthy young l{c:0r you could class your selves !acls. BIL:Yeah, balance the budget for KeaSan. off as being an ariy band.lle {ere MC:AERoSMITH:that sould be a eood loo much of a bunch of slobs io comParison. ...MC:'Have you evel had an erection ever do that. 8IL; KANSAS so hard you could hammer a nail lhrough fi!So corpaEiaola to FLIPPER.. HG:If you can imagine YES viEh an it?..... MC:I don ' I nind comparisons eIec to tEic violin- (Lots FLIPPER. (Lo9ds of off bear t!ivra,Ehat lols rnore but ee'11 have ro cut it short here 8IL; I I ike FLIPPER. you'I1 never knoe about notr!) Including hou MG:I'd prefe.r !o be compari.ed to . . ...HC: For spending our they dtove over a rastafarian at money rre playing FLIPPER rhan the BIRTIIDAYPARTY.I cane at the |Jrong !ime,but l,e cene lg+glc Ashbury_, - also IiKe the BIRTITDAYPARTY but bein. Co eeEn your money.So ve l\lrroozer recorcts back\./ardsand the came at hidden the righ f time.llerre exporters. messages.)

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A Killdozer Tour. our concErt showcase, -Micheel followed us evenrwher€ and tape recorded eve- Oddly enough, we were interviewed in rything we said and did. He also helped to drink 7-27-90 Topato our dressing room by several foreigners who our Budweiser.I can'twait to r€adhiswonderfu! Well, we finally got to meet the lead sin8€r wtite for American magazines. One cRap,a Pol- little article. I_E!!I rememb€r to alter our con of M€n Without Hats! We helped him out of a ish refugee,asked us what it's like to play in a tnct to excludeBudweiser,as well as Heinelen, perplexing problem: to name thI€e Bad Com- very scary hardcore horro! band. He was writing ftom our liquor requirements.-M for the Illinois Entertainer. 7-22-90 pany songs. We did, he thanked us, and he even "back- said he d head ofus. Dave Riley, who was visiting us On to Toronto for our show at the ADoca- Then we had sorne dinner, Somebody stage," fult sorry for Billy. Dave heald that Bill lypse Club. The warm-up band, Lu>,uryCirist, ouggested Greek food, but I just can't knowingly hadn't Sone with us to Europe. Billy felt sorry for featured Trevor, ex-Butthole and possessor of give money to those people. We went out for Dave when he heard that the ex-guitarist in the worst back-acne($acne") in the independ- some Canadian food. Davds old band was in England producing the ent music industry. The Queen's Expressway, Well, let's just run through all that has Cocteau Twins and is also a role model for smug the QEW, is a remarkably smooth, well-planned -Dan happened so far. Bill stopped by Dan's house at young college boys with glass€s. road. Reasonenough to annex this place (On- the apprcpriate time to head fior and our We had a TV in our drcssing rcom so that tario) as our fifty-first statel-D first show but Dan was nowhere to be found. He we could get hyped up for the slow by watching Luxury Christ stripped naked in our mu- was downtown at the barbershop, getting a trim, Decrassi High. It was a fantasticepisode, tual dressing room. This seemsto happen to us shave and manicurc. The boys wound up leav- The next day we were up and on our way whenever we play in Canada. (Tragic Mulatto ing Madison two hours late, so Bill had to drive to Ann Arbor, MI. Iake Shore Drive was our showed us thefuwares in Vancouver.)Canadi- 90 MPH to Chicago (not too difffcult in a state as chosen route through ChicagO which afforded ans do shar€ one id€al wifh Americans in that flat as Dlhois). Once in the city of Broad shoul- us a splendid view of luxury housing. their boysare cirrumcis€d, At leastLuxury Christ ders, he was pulled over by an oven-zealous flat- We got on I-94 and took it all the way to is. Not very well-endowed, though. -M foot who had clocked him cruising at 30 MPH in Ann Arbor. It is a good road, well-maintained On our day off in Toronto (the gig was a25 MPH zone. He made Bill buy him a dozea and quick. cancelledin favor of a hardcore skanKest).we doughnuts. In Ann Arbor, we found our club, the ate out at a health food restaurant. Foun€€n Heidelberg Restaurant, wherc we were met by a dollars for salad,soup and a beer seemeda tad When the boys finally arrived at my pad, "I'm i)umalist. the Hunter Thompson of our steep, even with the neaa-worthlessCanadian we boogied on down to the Cabarct Metro, 'tlooray," Chicago-s prelnier concert venue, to prcpal€ for generation," he said. we replied. He currency,but the soup was beanso it was fine.I # Yow FleshSpilng/Summet'90 THETR-E A,R,E EDIPSHTTS

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couldeniertain thc k)ys wjth "mud my analpranks.- Then a blizzard camealong and houndcd hencecalled flap." He donned an entire D us all the way to Albany, NY. The QEW was acidwash outfit complete with tctight Dago Any placc wlr.rc bt't r is considcrL\l h€lth closcdduetoa iargetruckpile..up and wehad to jcans.-D fcrcd is C)K by rne. detour along the scenicroute. We caught a brief 1-23-90 "bt'st Wc cnjoycd the coffcc in town" at a glimpseofNiagaraFallsand then a longglimpse Albany. we discoverct, is a town almost dou6hnut shop. I hcrc arc thousnn.ls,rnakc ihar of the Dow Chemical I'lant. I'd have to say the void ofcSgs.Wc searchedthetown farand wide, miliions, of douEhnut New York Thruway was a top turning up dozens of pizza parlorc and chicken shops in Toronb. That's quality stretch of road ccrcl.-M also, albcit too expcnsive Aswotrxrl'd down .ni at thc cashboxcs. t* Sp.rdina Avenue, ()ui of i- thc corncr ol mv cvc I The club in Albany, the n ;? caughi sight of tw() Ca QE2, was an old Whitc nadian shith.'irdsLrrating Tower hamburgcrstand. thccrapout of erchothcr. -M Quicklv, Bill c\lruttl a perf.tt U-turn, and \\c Acrossthcstr!€t\1edined settlcdbacktowat.h twL) -& on wing plalters at the Canadians do what Ca Chick'N C'lorc.The first nadians n do bcst b .'nch BI man b talk to us at the othcr, minus thc h(^-ke]' I-:l club we classifierl as an siicks and skatL:- L) : Eastern Seaboard Spcakint of - Shithoad. According to Rand siands,but no cafcs.Finally we found a cafewith noaKcy/ !! e canlc across 41 McNally's Rcgional Shithead cggs and all and ihe waitr.=s announced that shopwhosc solcbu sin,rss lm Spottcr'sguidc. the EasternSca- "compu thcy wcrc all out ofhash brownsl (,Home fries,, was tc riq{ d f bo.ird Shiihcad can be distin- as ihcy say out herein the Fasr.)So we didn,t hockcv skate t,lac1c guishedby his hairslyle:a ncar bothcrwith thc cggs. sharprning." We'\'c nls{) s(r'n prdi}'many fcl crcwcut that for no good rcason at all is really ThenwcSot thehellout of Albany,gladly. lows c;rrying hrrlev sticks around town. long down his nc'ck and ovcr his shiri collar. It'sonc of thosctowns that thc wholetime wCre '90 You FleshSqing/Summet 57 when he took us to a titty bar called Blondi6, bound for Philadelphia. The freeway is pr€tty L4tar: wherc we saw a stripper named Jasmine who good the whole way, and go€s pretty fast, We At the club the Khybe! Pass, a homeless plays a flute with her cunt. She played "Old arrived in town early, so we hunted down Tom man offered to lend a hand brinSing the instru- MacDonald Had a Farm" - I've never geen any- lax. We found him at Dave s Bar; it was his ments in for some spare scratch. We decided to thing like it. Then she lauched a ping pon6 ball Thursday night da* leatue night, Tom is quite a barter East Coast style, When the "wr€tched that hit Tom on the chin. -M dartist, a real atNete. Dave-s is a csp bar, 90 there exctss" had finished hauling the equipment into The next day Tom took us to this place that are a lot ofguns packedby drunks in uniforms. the club, we rewarded him with a generous glass had the famous Philadelphia cheesesteak. I had It was very crowded and I ripped a pretty tull of ginger brandy. Imnically, he was quite taken no more tlran one delicious bite when a good chuff that caused a patrcn at the bar to pleased with this arrangement and managed to 'Man, homeless person dernanded that I give it to her, comment, who the hell iust died and drink more than half the glass before choking at because she was hungry. Then a Pinkerton man c9mmencd to Then Tom won which time he b an to clugh and spit bile and in the mall came and forced her to leave the liquor amund the room. Fortunately, the premises. Boy that cheesesteal

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You FleshSpring/Summer'90 I and blceding,l rcaliz€d that I had made a huge putusup,but hdd ju8t be€n 6,icted himself. He niceliftlemotel next to the Holland tunnel. What sodal hux pae by tryin8 to fall rsl€eP too early. said he had a friend, who tutned out tobe hie e<- a day!-M I guese I'mi lucky man to still be alive. -Bill girlfriend's new boyfriend, over in Manhattan 1-2&90 A 'friend," who had ob3erved the lesgon I'd We wet€ aousted out of tauSht Bill, r€rna*ed to me, our room at noon and "Thafr the stupidest thing decided to find some br€- I've ever eeen you do." afticks in Hoboken. We Arguably the stuPidest found a quaint little hole thlnS I've 6,er done wae to called Shirley's. The wait- lnvitethis 8clewhead b my r€ss ther€ has ffgur€d out house to b€gin with. -TL that if she stays in the back off ro NYc. we of the dining room, by the show€d up at Maxwell's in door to the kitchen, the lovdy Hoboken, NJ plenty customers won't bother ea.ly and had a bite to eat her. frorn the Maxwell's kitchen. Tom had a Maxwell Burger, She wore some attractive "tumoF which h€ said was ti8ht-fittin' jeans with a like." Dan and I each had huge gold zipper up the eome things with long ltal- ass and had a splendid ian names, both of which sticky-looking bouffant tasted like macanoni and that fr_amedher face like a cheese. We should know sunflower. betts that to eat Italian food in a place where the kitchen We sat next to the door to staff is all Puerto Rican Ju- the streetand p€oplecon- lia Cafritz arrived and agt€€d with out conclu- and we could stay with him. Off we went, on up tinuouslystood in the doorway, holding it open, ',l^/dl€ sion. to 11oth strcet. He said, right around the to see if there was a table fr€e, Of course, ther€ During soundchecl the sound man, who comer, let me make a phone call." When he got were no tablet and they would just stand there "\{hy wa9 an electrical engineer, made us Promise not out of the van to use a pay phone, we notic€d a lot holding the door. don't you seeif you can't to tum our amps up very loud. Of course, we'd offolks on thestrceteyeballing ourvan, it's tires, hold that door open a little wider," Dar quipp€d never do that. hubcapsand contents,as well as us. I assumed to one cluple, who then did so. Aft€f, the show we disclveEd that we had these folks were homeless. We left Brent there Finally, we were all served portions ofcold tro plac€ to stay. Our friend BtEnt was going to and drove back to Hoboken where we found a eggsand colder frmch toast.

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You FleshSpilng/Summet'90 1- Aftet such a fine 6ast we went down the Inmediately after the show we drov€ to leae person when you need on? lnto the trash str€{* to Maxwelfo, where we had left all our Philadelphia, to take Tom home and avoid the they went. -M equipm€nt the night b€6ore,The gan6 from MTV fiasco of finding lodging in NYC. After the gig, we would up staying with a wae thele, making some show called Pirate TV. We arrived at Tom's apartment around dude narned Dave, and at his place we watch€d A man oqlained to Dan that th€y had us€d his five A.M. and found a Basque mar lying on the a movie starring Anthony Zerbe as a mad scien- 'So?" "I drumkit as a prop. Dan replied, don't couch that Bill had been looking iorward to tfut, and KISS as the hero€s, even though they ar€ get cable." Tom seemed bedazded by a young sleeping on. Tom's rEmmat€, Bob, cahe out of (nights in The Service of Satan. We w€re in- actressd!€ss€d in a Liftle Bo Peep cGtume. -M his llom to explain that this was his Basque formed by Dave that a certain other undelgrDund "dress- Later, at CBGB'g, I walked into our friend. We all slep on the floor while the Basque band said we were squaEs. We retorted that ing !oom" to find Christina ftom Boss Hogg, Inan lay on the sofa, smoking. Around ten, Bob wdd been to a lot ofstrip clubs aswell as havirg who I gu€ss is some solt of punl tock supeF came out of his rcom, poked the Basque man in met the sings of Men Without Hats. What squa!€ vixe& taking pictures of her boyfriend, Jon the che8t and pointed to the door. So the Basque do€ that kind of stuff? -D Spencer, with my carnera! I thouSht that was rrun lit a cigarettg got up, and left. -M 1-3890 kinda odd, but then I saw she was takint pictutes 7-E-91) Columbus, Ohio. Such an exciting town. It of Michael too, so it was fine. -D Herc we go again, on the road, We got up was altemating b€h,veel rain and snow when we So now CBGB'S has a pizza patlor. I tried bright and early, and hit the Pennsylvania Tum- arrived, and by the parking lot next d@r to some of their pizza, it's shit. We went out for a pike by 1:30. This isrlt a bad !oad, but hardly Staches a homeless man was sleeping on a heat walk to tet decent pizza. worth the eight or nine buckr it co6t to drive on grate. After the show, an ambulance was thete, It WhileTom, Dan, and I waited up the block it, with no place to stop and eat but Roy Rog€rs' s€ems the steam coming out of the grate had ior Bill to catch up with us, a hobbling homeless all along the way, Whays worse, the sp€ed limit stopp€d, his waterlogged blanket froze, and black man on acrutch shuffled on up to us and is 55 MPH the entire length. now the homeless man was pretty close to dead. "I said, letcha take my pitcha 6o' a dolla'," point- At the Upstage in Pittsburgh: 6nally, a What an evening! 'No.l'llgive "enFyed" ing at Dan's camera.Tom said, you club with good lighting in the crapper This moming we bEakfast at a 'That'd a quarter to beat it." The homeless said, and plenty of toilet paper! Such a pleasurable place called Country Folks. The place reeked of be a fine deal." Tom gave him a quarter sayin& club. pot pourri, and all the meals had names like "Now "Hungry 'Down-Home cel! it." We went to get dinner at a place down the Folks Platter" and 'C,'." Afta some mote pizza, we found Gerard block called the Original, ni8 Th€y must Combo." Dan's bacon carne after we had all Cosloy sitting in the CBCB'S re.ord store. We use half the electricity in Pittsburgh with all the finished our meals, so he refused it, making the suck€d down some beeru with him and chit- flashing neon they have. bovine waitless look terribly foolish. Then we hit chatted about Peter. -M Imagine Dan's and my amusement when t-70. Oh yeah, I really enpyed Boss Hogg and Bill ordered large fries. We'rc going to St. lruis a day €arly just the lads from the Unsane looked like normal He didn't see, as we did, that large fries trecausewe have nothing better to do. 6lk from the Midw€st, not black leathered punlc weighed five pounds and cost $3.72. Even with In Indiana we saw a Stuckey's so we 'Tour from NYC. I dug their version of Sticks." the both of us helping him eat them, there was stopp€d. It turned out to be nothing more than a about two-thirds of them left. Wherds a home- Dairy Queen livinsliving off that sreatgreat name. The

YourFlesh Spilng/Summer'90 6l place was run by a bunch of religious fuckwits "Vrrhata fucking ugly town!" I then !€alizedthat we down th€re were dozenr of ' When 8ot just lik€ the €ntir€ state of lndiana. -M th€oerangets didn't haveit so good. kids waitin8 to go up. Wherr they got on bord 2-7-90 the elevator, they all stard to scEan|. So we found a Day'e Inn by the St. The ranger just said Ep€atedlt 'Shrd- " touis Airport. With jumbo i'ls passing dup overhead we stepped out to a liquor stot€ and got gome Molson's Golde-n, the only At the Big that night, the sound man bold 'They non-Burh beer in this city. We asked the Dan and me, got a 8aying about liquor store clerk where we might find a St. lrui8 weath€r... If you don't like it, burlesque shdw. He said we'd have to go stick around, iyll change." back to East St. Iruis, Illinois. An old salt "I next to us told us that's a bad place. We N€d we met a guy who said, iust love w€nt back to our room and watched TV- to tum off the lights, get rcally warted, On Wednesday we got up early and tum on a black light, and play lgd at boogied down to Denny's for Crand Slam 76rym;' bEakfasts. They wouldnlt let us order S€niorSlams. Thebest thing about Denny's Now we're on IJS Highway 61, a two is that in the r€stroom thry have wax paper lane road all the way to Iowa City, and I rings to plac€ on the s€at. Th€y are called have gix or seven Protect6 in my hip ?rotecto," and fve never felt safer than pocket. when I've shit at Denny's. After a hearty breaftiks we drove Oh shit, I alrnost forgot! We stopp€d at a down to downtown St. Louis to visit the Waffle House for breafticks. Guesswhat National Bowling Hall of Fame and Mu- we ate. -M s€um.What a plac€! 2-2-90lo@e City Then we went over to the Arch and rcde the elevator to the top. The exciting Damn cold in lowa. Wehavebnd memo- Frt of this is that there ate national park ries ofthis town. The last time we played rangersup there! 'This mustbeoneofthe here, a guy h the audienc? got so excit€d cushiest posts in thc park sewic€ for a he leapt fTom the stage and broke one of ianger!" I thought. his knees. When you get to the top, you can look out the windows and seethe muddy After the BiB last night, at Cabds Oasis, Mississippibelow and EastSt.l,ouis on the we went to the home of Chris,Iowa Beef other side. Then you can tum around and Experience's boisterous guitarist. What s€e St. Iruis. When I did, I exclaimed, a pa-rty therc was! Guys and gals ever-

Yow FleshSqing/Summet'%) 1-

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whet€ with a big old halfbarrel ofold Style in the label-mates, the JesusLizard, were there roo, so of two s$gallon baEels on their sides, mounted kit hen. Thie is the sort of party that Easterners we sh@k hands. Then we broke down and on a stand one above the other, with a chimnery iust don't know how to do. hugged each other. going from the bottom one, up through the top Dan and I were Drettv well baked when we The Outhouse's heating system consisted one/and onouttotheroof.Therewerelogsbum- l€ft, so Bill drove us to 7-11 wherc Dan got ingnin each, with a pile of logs on the flor in v€ry excited about beef Frky and I tried to f take more chocolate chip cookies than I had Whetr I went to use the toilet, I saw a paid ior. Bill paid the difference on the cook- titmous€ was living beneath the 6tool, look- ies, and I bummed up wherr I discovered later ing up at me. I hoFd that I could get through that I t@k raisin cookies by mistake. the eve-ning without needing to shit, because We went and got a motel outside of that mouse would surely get into my troug€r3, town, and the pillows there had baggies for and there was no toilet papetr, and the corn pillow cases. cobs out in the 6eld were frozen. I woke up this moming feeling like I d The show was an all-ages gig, and in IGn- had better days, and then we ate at PerKn's, sas that m€ans no b€€r allowed in the vqrue. confirming that I had indeed had better days. We kept ours cold on the ice underneath the - Th€ things I lil@ best for breakfast scrambled Jesus Lizard's van in the field of corn. Every e88s, hash browns and pancakes - all are just time I went outside for another cold one, I'i shit at Perkins. The fr€nch toast I ate was OK s€e this dude passed out on the ground in but not at all what I really wanted. A day that front ofthebarlel with thegarbagebumingin 'Shit," "He's starb at D€nn/s is always a better day than it. I thought, going to probably one that sta.rtsat Perkins. Ofcourse a day that freeze to death." Finally, on my fffth or sinh etafts at Wame House is the b€st day of all. - trip out there, I kick€d him until he woke up. M Then theJesusLizard played and DaveYow 2-3-90 set himself on 6re. The highway from Iowa City to lGnsae latet, when we were all packing up and City O40 from I.C. to Des Moines, then south Selting ready to leave, Dave Simms moved on I-35 to K.C.) is a dec€nt pi€ce of pavement, the J.L. van and ran over our last twelve.pack, but the w€ather was wrstched. Fr€€zing rain popping seven of the boftles. -M glazod the roads like doughnuts. The club in 2-5-90 lanr.rence, the Outhouse, is a sh€d two miles The drive from IGnsas City to Omaha outside of town in a cornfield. When we Bot wasn't too bad, although the AM radio in there, the staffwas buming garbag€ out ftont, theseparts is Eallylacking. Thank goodness and th€y had a pr€tty Sood blaze roaring. Our it only takes a couple ofhours. Omaha is a city Photo by Ma y P.rcz Yout FleshSprlng/Summer'%) 63 of many eteak houses. We didn't €at in any of promply disPosed of it in an aPPrcPriate con- Art Paul Schlosser warmed uP the evening -D them. Inst€ad, we ate at a Meican rcstaurant tainer. with a brilliant performanc€, singing tribut€s to and video store, run by a woman who must be After the gi& we went to Petds house for vegaables and such. related to Charo. some refreshments and what I thought was to be Iowa HExperiencedid theirdamdest to Tom the show was aSain one with the J€us some pleasant cronversation with Pete and overcome a nealsuck-ass PA, but I don't think Lizad, who wer€ thrilled to s€e that Dan had and ourselves, The little 8et-together develoP€d that the evening was in their favor. -M ltolcfl the entire Proteclo dispenser package ftom into a convention of fat slags as every overweiSht 3-2-90 Houston, TX in Kansas City. The boring bitch in the city of MinneaPolis (that's the Denny's wh€re we all ate "Party." Dan and I flew from Chicago, Bill from Erost astounding thing of all at brea-fticks that pretty many!) arrived at Pete's digs to Minneapolis. We were on different airlines, and d@ming was that Dan had ordercd the Nachos Things only got worse when Bill and Tom left, the consensus is that lunch on American Airlines SuDreme. andSteveMcl€llary toPdog at FistAvenue a.k a. is better than lunch on Continental. with seveml of his pals Aft€r the Omaha 8i& Tim Mo6s, the Prc Unele Sanfs, showed up After the show, at Fitzgemld's,we veentto moter and our host, drove me ovet to Council I became quite an idtated little fellow, and tried a place called Emo's. We were therc with Danny Bluffs, IA, where liquor stores can stay oPen later desperately to flee from them, but whichever Flaim and Kathy Kowgirld, and they had a drink- than in Omah4 to fetch beer br the Sang waiting room I went into, therc they were, shmoozinS! ing contest with Dan. He kep insisting that a back at his pad. As luck would lEve it, we were Finally, Dan and I took destiny into our Wisconsinitecould drink any Texan'sass under two minu6 bte! The young ftlla in the store ownhands.Dantoldoneof Stevds PalstoBethis the table. said HE would like to let us have some mor€ Husker Du-lovin' ass off of the couch, and we Danny, in an ill-advisd attempt to outdo hoot h, if he COT LD but the stor€ was owned unfolded it into a bed and went to slecP. Dan and lGthy, kept going to the bar and re- - by the Sheriff. -M The very next day,I had the bottle flue. questing, 'Drinks to make my friends ga sick 2-77-90 Madisoa M and puke." Of course,heenioyed thesamedrinks. Iast night in Minneapolis we Played a I sat in the van and Peeleda tangerine, As it tumed out, Kathy $/on the contest. show where Peter D. lead the crowd through a given to me by my sister-inlaw, as I watch€d Whilewe retumed to their house,Danny waited 'tus series of line dances, including the stop." Michael spew up chunk after bile-coated chunk at thebartogetacaseof beer.Hetooka longtime We had fun with our pal, Tom llazelmyer, ofhis breakhst onto the shoulder of I-94 between coming home, and when we looked outside who r€{used to play any tunes with us any more Minneapolis and Madison. The tangerine was twenty minutes later, he was plancing about in -D because we suck. tagty, nonetheless. the field acrossthe stEet in his platform shoes, As we were loading out of the club, the 2-18.90 redvelvet pantsandamountain man

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YourFlesh Spring/Summer'90 6 Danny Flaim and lGthy Kowgirld made out from the long armof thelaw.l can't imagine As we dined, two youngstcf,s came in and me proErise to mention that Texas, €Pecially any other rcasonto be in Butte.The M&M is also shined my bots for a dollar. Thrydid a horoelhit and a bar, and seems like the sort of place where of it, but they Baid they w€te only sixtecn Houston, is the funnest, hippest, Sreatest Fb '1hat place we have wer been. So I did. -M brawling is popular. The whole town of Butte dolla$ short ftom bulng a tr-ampoline you ,7990 could be summed up as a community of trash. can iump twelve feet high in the air on." Always Wdre heading for the West. North one to mcoumge children in their ef- Dakota is a place with ftw peoPle and forts to break their own necke, I fuwea gagstations. We have no idea what chipped in. it loks like, as we dr,ve all the waY across it at ni8ht. The sun came uP when Then we walked out, sholling Fst we wene somehther€ in the middle of some handsome young men in Scor- off the well-paved pions shirts, sitting in a parking lot Montau, so we pulled 'tley highway in Mil€s City 60r some breaftiks sippin' on malt liquor, dudes," at the48 sCafu. Good food, good servic€, we said as we strolled past. lousy coffee. There seemsto be a frw cowboys in We crused Idaho in the blink of an Montana. As we ate we observed that eye and we spent the night at a fine motel in Spokane, Washington. The one clwbo/s PickuP truck in the Park- ing lot had garbage buming in the back. people of that town all mispronounce When he left the 4B's and backed out his the name of their own hometown. We pickup truck we noticed that amongst full asleep so early that we woke up at -M the burning garbage were seveml gas six a.m. qlns, 3-27-90 We drove some more until we After waking up at such an early hour stopped at Butte for some more chow at "continental the M&M Cafe. I susPect that the c.ok we enpyed the hotel's (coffee and dishwasher, a couple of old-timers breakfast" and douShnuts) for are men with no past, old hoods on the lam, Most ofthehousing in town, in the stateforthat two and a half hours. We've determined that as living false lives under false names as they hide matter, is trailer homes. you go west from Wisconsin the coffee getg pro-

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g!€ssively weake!, until you'rc ddnking the dig- fur Promote/s Pasta. This was fine until the us to the top of the Space Needle where we had colored hot wat€f, they serve in Spokane. promoter's brother and his girlfriend showed up a round of expensive b€er. Be€r costs rnore at Durin8 breakfast, I let rip with a fart that to smoke dope while -M we ate. high places due to its tasting better at tl€ater ruined breakfast for evervbodv in the room. We Coing back to the old U,S, of A. there was altitudes. We had some food at the Dog House, all laughed merrily, one of Tom Hazelmyels We thought we'd go to favorite hangouts. Vancouver a day early and enFy the nightlitu, but we A homeless man with an w€leh€ated to the nightlift in enormous dog and a a Canadian customs offic€, beard asked me for dong the longest unguarded money. I gave hin all of border in the world. my change, and he got When we did get to pissed off when he saw Vancouver wherc we stayed that it was all Canadian 'Seggars at Denise the promoter's money. can't house we eniryed the com- be choosers," I said, and pany of two large dogs. One walked on having taught was named Bass Cuitar Dude him a lesson. who ttied to dance the Lam- bada with me. and the other The road to Portland is was Paisley Blue, a vicious so good that we got to Doberman who growled in the club hours early. As her sleep and howled con- luck would have it, ther€ stantly while awake. was a dance club near The next morning, we the venue called wentouttofi nd scrambleeggs Slabtorn. Bill took us and almost mistakenly ateat a therc. "cafu" Inside, there was which was in fact a a topless dancer in lesbian pool hall. The air smelled of sweat and no ptoblem other than meeting the boftom in- sw€atpantswhothrew herselfspasticallyaround there was enough flannel to out6t every band on sPectors. the dance floor like she was on acid. She had a Twin Tone. We backed out and ate at some dive In Seattle we stayed with John Bigley and b€lly that betrayed her fondness for beer. Whetr inrt€ad, Valerie Broach. They have a dog named Roosev- she was finished the bartender mn across the later that evening, after rcund check and a elt that seemed to fancy me and we danced. room to the DJ booth and asked for "a big round radio interview, we were back at Denise s home They cooked a barbeque for us. They took of applause ior Candi." Then she said, ,Now

You FleshSpring/Summer'90 67 c€trvedon a little stf,o6o.rn ttay wlh enhy watching Tonl .r she sPinr .round tle iurt !€emto be college stude(rts on a camPing triP lok awful, plastic knife, and that fuchnt Mav Poh ard brushes h.t dtet! .Sainrt you." or some similar adventurc. The most disgusting a little 6ork and portion-controlcontainer of WaflleSymp, I Then she nn back to the bar. thing about the homeless in this city is that th€y little mess away and got Dolly Toni war hefty but bettet dress€d than breed, and take their wretched offspring drcssed threw th€ whole at the ga5station. Candi, weadng a eatin white dreee. Her darrce, up like dirty lttle hippiee out at an early age to Madisondoughnuts that dat we ate at Carl'o whidt is other thar spinninS atound the May Pole, con- l€am the family bade of Panhandling. lat€r Jr, MacDonald's, I had to sldt 3bt€d of $anding with h€r back to u8, twitchin8 Paul hurt hir backplaying basketball,and amazingly iuet like wag forE€d to skip it whetr an ffnt he left buttock and then hef, dght one' durint mostofourvisit hewa! in miserablePqin. aft€r €atin& but decided that Carl'8 was a Slabtown ir one hell of a clasey It'a not a It was fortunate drat we came by to cheer him eld€rly man Jr. Sood irint. grandson to usea stripper bar, becausethe danc€rsn6'er placeto tech his how ioilet. Ar I stoodo;bide waiting for them take their doth6 off. Ifo iust dassy. hft. After our show we w€re offerEd to ffnish,l heardthechild ecr€am,so I eeveml placeeof lodginp but all were eitherfrom amazingdiP6hit! whosevetry Fina.lly we got to L.A. What a town! LonS presencewasintolerablgorde€t*PeoPle Beach isn't wodh mentioning, so bfs Eet straight to fabulous Hollyw@d! We saw who wanted to drink and Party dl n8ht. Weneeded ohep sowe bund a ni.e motd. all the Stars' nam€e on the sidewalk. We On our diive to Californb, we dis" went to Frederick's Lingerie MuseuEL got of stars' homes. W€re coveredthat Oregonis a statefull of Prc Then we a map vincial rustics,wheE cafesserve peculiar we shocled to find that the Beverly Hill- concations they call Mqican food. As billieg' mansion has been torn down! I thought it wa6 a national monumeltt. Still, 8oonas you 8etto Califomia peoplelook real C-alifomian. the glamour in this town is absolutely At the I-80/I-505 interchange, fabulous. Englebert Humperdinck still therds s nic€ little truckstoP with tele' lives in Jayne Mansfields Pink Palace. -M phone3 at the tables. Since we wete €ating bte for a couple of days. Sadly, there's a horror even $eater than estate, SHAKEY'S HAS afticks anyway, we w"nt ahead and called Pae. il-2-90 Los Atgebs the fate of the Clampett THEIR PIZZA CRIJSTI I kid you We couldrft think of anything to sa, w€ iust We left Frisco at an unpleasantly eady CHANGED wanted to use the phone at the table. hour, so early that I was still drunk. It was a long not. Once the greatest pizza known to cMliz€d Now we-re in Frisco, the citay by the bay, at drive to L.A. We stopped along the way at sohe ma& it has now been altercd to nothing mor€ it Paul Rellels home. He took us to the oc€an des€rt outpost where the gas was $159/8allo& than tomato sauc€ on a soda ciacket. They call that where we saw thoueands ofhermit cI-ab€.Back in and the only restauranl was MacDonald's their new Classic Crust. fm forc€d to declar -M town wewalk€d down HaiSht Str€et, wh€te we Goddammit if they don't make theworst fu cking I will never eat there again. people in saw dozens of homeless people- Thetds some- pancakeg on the fuce of the fucking eatth at There are more rock bands than thing about the homele6s in San Francisco, th€t MacDonald's. Shit, is this a bad day. Th€y even L.A., and as a Esult many spinoff induskies

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have Irown th6e. My favorite cottage lock and pants, on our last gallon of precious fuel, we We set out aft€r breafticks looking for- toll busin.so is hair oatension reDlaement. and came around a bend and there was Gr€en ward to a sGenicdrive over the Rockiesand You calr go into a shop on Sunset Blvd'. bald as as River, Utah. The Mormon tas station atten- the last stop of our mega-tour, Fort Collins, Phil C.ollins and come out with a meta.l shaS like dant madeit plain that he didrf-t carefor us, CO. Little did we susFct that our kusty van, the dud6 in White Snake or Dokken. 'The bu t we were grateful to get tas no uratter how Booger," would nearly suffocateon the Nothing really needs to be said about San much of a bastard and religious screwball the thin supply of oxygen as we climbed Di.to, wheie our n€rd stop was, but pl€nfy can to 1Otr& guy we got it from was. -M fe€t at Vail Pass, be said about the best town we've b€en through The engine sputter€d, Since Michael was driving about 45 in y€ars!-D coughed, and wheezed like Felix Unger. 'ltlelcome MPH, aswell ascoasting in neutral down hills to Fabulous las Vegas" the sign Dan and I conducted a littl€ exDeriment in order to save our dwindlin8 gas supply, to seehow the alHtude effects gettitrg at the edge of town rcads, and fabulous it is. " drunk, oncew€ had a full tank again Ihad to nake up We only had one bottle All the Stars were in town: Sammy, Julio, of Miiler figh IJfe tim€ by driving 85 MPH. W€ stopped to sle€p left, Steve and Eydig Dno, Jerry trwis, Don Rickles, but it made us both fall asleeo. Siegfried and Ron Toni Tenille, Kenny Rogers, in Grand Junction, Colorado, The next mom- We woke up at the Fort CAlins rr'FW Tony Orlando (with Dawn!), Ray Stevens, Engle- ing, hungry for breaKast, we drove off down hall, where we were gre€tedby Creat Caesa/s bert, Tom Jones,Wayne Newton, Robert Goulet, the sbeet. We passeda Denn),/s,but because Chost. Th€y gave us tivo casesof Huber. Tony Berhett, The Smothers Brothers, Ricardo Dan didn't speak up quick enough for Around 11:30or so, Fo CollinJ finest Mont€han, Redd Foxx, Dom Deluis, Bert Convy, Michael's satisfaction,we couldn't stop there. arrived, clad in brown shirts, and shut down (I George Hamillon, Arur-Margaret, Nick Cave, hate bo waste time backtrackin& time is the show. They made everyone,including us, Charo, P.eggy l,ee, Vicki Lawrcnce, cavin money -M). We s€ttled upon a little div€ leave the VFW hall. McL€od, Jo€y Heatherton, and of