FosteringFostering HealthyHealthy AttachmentAttachment inin ChildrenChildren

ForFor FamilyFamily TeachersTeachers andand FosterFoster ParentsParents WhatWhat isis HealthyHealthy Attachment?Attachment?

¾ AttachmentAttachment formsforms thethe foundationfoundation forfor aa child'schild's physical,physical, cognitivecognitive andand psychologicalpsychological development.development. ¾ AA bondbond thatthat formsforms betweenbetween aa childchild andand hishis oror herher parentsparents oror primaryprimary caregiver,caregiver, healthyhealthy attachmentattachment occursoccurs whenwhen thethe caregivercaregiver providesprovides notnot onlyonly thethe basicbasic necessitiesnecessities ofof food,food, sheltershelter andand clothing,clothing, butbut alsoalso thethe emotionalemotional essentialsessentials withwith touch,touch, smilessmiles andand eyeeye contact.contact. AA healthyhealthy attachmentattachment betweenbetween aa childchild andand atat leastleast oneone adultadult helpshelps toto ensureensure thatthat thethe neuralneural pathwayspathways withinwithin thethe childchild’’ss brainbrain becomebecome sculptedsculpted withwith thethe bestbest possiblepossible connectionsconnections mademade toto handlehandle stress,stress, reducereduce anxietyanxiety andand easilyeasily absorbabsorb newnew informationinformation andand experiences.experiences. For a child, developing a healthy attachment with at least one adult is associated with:

¾ higher self-esteem and confidence ¾ greater willingness to explore ¾ better control over emotions ¾ fewer behavioral problems in school ¾ greater problem-solving abilities and coping skills ¾ better communication skills and higher literacy levels ¾ better social skills and more positive relationships with other children. WhatWhat isis AttachmentAttachment Disorder?Disorder?

¾¾AttachmentAttachment disorderdisorder isis aa treatabletreatable conditioncondition inin whichwhich individualsindividuals havehave difficultydifficulty trustingtrusting anyoneanyone oror creatingcreating loving,loving, lastinglasting intimateintimate relationshipsrelationships duedue toto seriousserious disruptionsdisruptions inin formingforming thatthat bondbond duringduring earlyearly childhood.childhood. DevelopingDeveloping AnAn AttachmentAttachment WithWith YourYour ChildChild Infant attachment: ¾ Engage in appropriate physical contact with your child - holding, cuddling, stroking, kissing. ¾ Develop face-to-face contact with your child, particularly eye contact - play 'peek-a-boo'. ¾ Respond to and repeat your child's vocal and verbal expressions. Repeat rhymes and songs with your child. ¾ Use a gentle tone of voice. ¾ Learn appropriate age-development skills and work with your child to master them. ¾ Play games. ¾ Look for and identify characteristics of the child that remind them of themselves or family members. OlderOlder ChildChild AttachmentAttachment

¾ Read a book to your child every day, that you choose together. ¾ Show interest in your child's development and autonomy and support skill-building efforts and emotional closeness. ¾ Encourage your child to teach you something that they are good at. ¾ Be supportive in meeting your child's environmental needs, such as personal preferences in clothing, food and room decoration. Provide guidance in learning proper hygiene and dental care, and respond quickly to illness. ¾ Balance your priorities so that you can spend time with your child. Engage in activities and ensure that your communication with your child is positive, for example - singing, coloring in, completing a jigsaw. ¾ Ensure that non-parental child care of your child is warm, consistent and adequately supervised. ¾ Allow your child to learn new skills independently to gain self-awareness and confidence. Try not to overprotect your child from experiencing normal life frustrations, for example - letting your child make dinner. ¾ Buy a plant for your child and teach them how to care for it. ¾ Respond to your child in a warm, loving and nurturing way, and provide comfort to your child in a positive way. ¾ Find a balance between discipline and love, logic, fairness and consistency - household chores promote responsibility, pride and self-respect. ¾ Support your child's intellectual, emotional, spiritual and social growth by attending school functions, helping them with homework and encouraging healthy peer and family relationships. ¾ Tell the story of your child's adoption over and over again. ¾ ROADBLOCKS to healthy parent-child relationships include:

abrupt loss of a parent through death or illness multiple caretakers invasive or painful medical procedures hospitalization abuse and/or neglect mother's poor prenatal care or prenatal alcohol or drug exposure neurological problems

¾ A child is at highest risk of attachment problems if these experiences occur in the first two years of life. WhatWhat dodo attachmentattachment disorderdisorder symptomssymptoms looklook likelike ??

¾ On the outside, children with attachment disturbance often appear charming and self-sufficient. ¾ Inside, they may teem with insecurity and self-hate. "I'm unlovable," the child thinks, and goes about behaving in a manner that reinforces that thought. ¾ These children have difficulty giving and receiving affection on their parents' terms. ¾ They can be overly demanding, clingy, and annoying with endless chatter. ¾ They may show indiscriminate affection to strangers. ¾ They may have abnormal eating patterns, and poor conscience development.. (Cont’d)

¾ Their parents and teachers may catch them in chronic "crazy" lying, cheating or stealing. ¾ In school, they often show signs of learning problems such as disabilities and delays. ¾ They may be destructive to themselves or others, cruel to animals, or preoccupied with fire, blood and gore. Often, they don't get along well with their peers. AttachmentAttachment ChallengesChallenges Children and parents have times when they face challenges in forming healthy, secure attachments. In such circumstances, seeking the assistance of competent professionals and receiving guidance on forming better, healthier relationships is best. Parents need to understand that attachment challenges may result from a variety of factors, including:

• Temperament of the child • Prenatal or birth trauma (low birth weight, extended time in medical care, fetal alcohol syndrome, etc.) • Adoptive circumstances for the child • Foster care circumstances for the child • Significant family trauma (divorce, death, etc.) • Poor family modeling for parents (parents in childhood had poor attachments themselves, etc.) • Troubled or hostile home environment

These and other factors can, at times, significantly inhibit healthy attachment formation. TheThe BenefitsBenefits ofof HealthyHealthy AttachmentAttachment ¾¾ ParentsParents andand otherother caregiverscaregivers provideprovide thethe "attachment"attachment web"web" ofof relationshipsrelationships aa youngyoung childchild needsneeds toto thrive.thrive. HealthyHealthy attachmentsattachments provideprovide youngyoung childrenchildren withwith benefitsbenefits suchsuch as:as: •• AA sensesense ofof trusttrust •• AA willingnesswillingness toto exploreexplore •• AA positivepositive viewview ofof oneselfoneself •• AnAn understandingunderstanding ofof empathyempathy •• AnAn abilityability toto expressexpress emotionsemotions EightEight KeyKey StrategiesStrategies toto FosterFoster AttachmentAttachment

#1:Make yourself available.

Young children can rely on you and come to trust you only if you are present.

Do your best to manage your schedule and life so you are physically available to children when they need you. This may mean making tough lifestyle choices.

Work within your circumstances to find time to be available to your children. Also, try to make sure you are mentally engaged in being available and attentive to your children when with them, not just a warm body that is present. #2: Increase your knowledge and experience interacting with young children.

Fostering positive, attentive interactions with young children that build secure attachments requires knowledge and experience.

Find specific opportunities to interact with your own or other young children by volunteering in child care or school settings, attending play or social groups, going to interactive classes with your child, etc.

Pay attention to their likes, needs, desires and behaviors. Also, take advantage of opportunities to increase your knowledge by taking classes, reading books, watching videos or otherwise learning about parent-child relationships. #3: Be attentive to your child's cues.

Fostering a secure attachment begins with attending to your child's needs.

Attention begins with focusing on your child and perceiving his or her cues that care or comfort is needed (cues such as crying, holding arms out to you, etc.). Then you need to interpret the signal correctly (understand what he or she wants) and respond in a way that comforts or assists the child.

Children may express a physical need or a social need. Attentiveness means "tuning in" to your child's signals and recognizing when he or she needs to be held, needs to talk, needs a new toy, needs a new diaper or is tired and needs to rest. #4:Provide a quick, consistent response to your child's needs or cues.

Children learn trust when someone responds promptly and consistently to their needs, especially during the first year of life. Infants, especially, simply do not understand "waiting" for someone. Adult responsiveness and encouragement reinforces a child's actions and behaviors. Such responsiveness is essential to healthy child development. When an infant smiles, an adult needs to smile in return. Sounds, cries, facial expressions and actions all need responses so a child learns to interact with the world. The child develops focus, interest, excitement, wonder and curiosity as adults respond. A child who does not receive responses can become apathetic and lose curiosity, interest and excitement. #5 Express warm, positive and caring responses as you interact with children.

Whether changing a diaper or answering a question, you need to give children a warm and understanding experience with you. The extra word of reassurance, the caring touch or hug _ these shape a child's experience of security. Children who experience harsh or rejecting types of interactions regularly can develop insecure attachments. Be nurturing. Be understanding. You should give children love, affection and touch abundantly as you interact with them. #6:Respond to children in a way that is "in tune" with their cues.

AA child'schild's crycry maymay meanmean hehe oror sheshe isis hungry,hungry, butbut itit alsoalso maymay meanmean hehe oror sheshe isis tired,tired, sick,sick, etc.etc. ParentsParents needneed toto respondrespond appropriatelyappropriately toto aa child'schild's signals.signals. #7:Follow your children's lead and cooperate with them in how they try to play or interact, rather than forcing them to follow your own desires for interaction. Sometimes parents fail to realize they are interfering with a child's desire to explore when they constantly pick up the child and say "No." A parent may interfere with children's efforts to express themselves. Cooperating with children when they make efforts to interact and following their lead in smiling, playing peek- a-boo, chasing or tickling is important. Provide opportunities for interaction, but be careful about forcing a particular activity or interaction. Instead, pay attention to your children's efforts and "mirror" them, cooperating with them as you play or help them. #8: Avoid over-stimulating your child as you interact.

Young children often can't say, "Hey, stop it, I'm tired out!" But they will look down or away, avoid you, squirm to get away or turn in a different direction if they feel too much stimulation. Younger infants may fall asleep if they are over- stimulated. Watch for these signals. Put them down and leave them alone if necessary so they can relax or calm down, or just hold them calmly if they seem over-stimulated. ParentingParenting TipsTips forfor AttachmentAttachment

¾¾ MakeMake EyeEye ContactContact ¾¾ SmileSmile andand TalkTalk toto YourYour ChildChild ¾¾ ExpressExpress WarmthWarmth andand TouchTouch ¾¾ BeBe SensitiveSensitive andand ResponsiveResponsive ¾¾ GetGet inin TuneTune withwith YourYour ChildChild ¾¾ FollowFollow YourYour Child'sChild's LeadLead inin PlayPlay ¾¾ ReadRead TogetherTogether ¾¾ AvoidAvoid OverOver--stimulationstimulation BalanceBalance isis thethe FoundationFoundation UponUpon WhichWhich AttachmentAttachment GrowsGrows

¾ WhenWhen inin balance,balance, familyfamily membersmembers areare moremore ableable toto bebe emotionallyemotionally responsiveresponsive ¾ TheThe bestbest defensedefense forfor feelingfeeling isolatedisolated isis toto looklook outwardoutward toto createcreate aa supportsupport networknetwork inin thethe locallocal communitycommunity ¾ TheThe child'schild's needsneeds mustmust bebe aa priority,priority, andand thethe youngeryounger thethe child,child, thethe moremore intenseintense andand immediateimmediate hishis needs.needs. EvenEven so,so, hehe isis oneone piecepiece ofof thethe completecomplete familyfamily picturepicture thatthat alsoalso includesincludes thethe needsneeds ofof thethe parentsparents asas individualsindividuals andand asas aa couple,couple, siblings,siblings, plusplus thethe familyfamily asas aa wholewhole PracticalPractical TipsTips forfor MaintainingMaintaining BalanceBalance

¾ Enjoy today, and accept that having a child changes things ¾ Set realistic goals ¾ Put people before things ¾ Don't be afraid to say "no" ¾ Turn "unpleasant" parental duties into enjoyable ones ¾ Be creative in finding ways to spend couple time ¾ Take time for yourself ¾ Use a "mother's helper" ¾ Eat healthy foods ¾ Exercise regularly ¾ Take naps ¾ Take care of yourself ¾ Avoid over-scheduling ¾ Look for ways to make routine tasks easier ¾ Get out of the house ¾ Follow your heart and listen to your baby TipsTips forfor BalanceBalance andand thethe OlderOlder ChildChild ¾¾ BringBring aa friendfriend oror mother'smother's helperhelper toto activitiesactivities ¾¾ AvoidAvoid overover--schedulingscheduling ¾¾ SpendSpend timetime justjust beingbeing togethertogether ¾¾ DevelopDevelop familyfamily traditionstraditions ¾¾ HaveHave parentparent--childchild "dates""dates" ¾¾ CreateCreate familyfamily nightsnights ¾¾ RekindleRekindle hobbieshobbies andand interestsinterests TipsTips forfor DealingDealing withwith ParentParent "Burn"Burn--Out"Out" ¾ RecognizeRecognize thethe symptomssymptoms ofof burnburn--out.out. ¾ BurnBurn--outout isis aa physical,physical, emotional,emotional, andand mentalmental responseresponse toto highhigh levelslevels ofof stress.stress. ¾ ParentsParents maymay feelfeel relentlesslyrelentlessly fatigued,fatigued, strained,strained, andand physically,physically, emotionally,emotionally, andand mentallymentally exhausted.exhausted. TheyThey maymay alsoalso feelfeel overworked,overworked, underunder--appreciated,appreciated, angry,angry, resentful,resentful, powerless,powerless, hopeless,hopeless, drained,drained, frustrated,frustrated, detached,detached, antianti-- social,social, unsatisfied,unsatisfied, resentful,resentful, likelike aa failure,failure, indifferent,indifferent, andand lackinglacking motivation.motivation. ¾ ParentsParents whowho feelfeel theirtheir emotionsemotions areare takingtaking overover shouldshould getget helphelp immediately!immediately! HowHow ToTo CopeCope WithWith BurnoutBurnout

¾¾ MakeMake regainingregaining balancebalance aa prioritypriority TODAYTODAY ¾¾ CultivateCultivate friendshipsfriendships withwith otherother parentsparents ¾¾ SimplifySimplify andand letlet gogo ofof unnecessaryunnecessary thingsthings ¾¾ TakeTake frequentfrequent deepdeep breathsbreaths ¾¾ UseUse yoga,yoga, meditation,meditation, oror visualizationvisualization ¾¾ ConsiderConsider professionalprofessional counselingcounseling ¾¾ RememberRemember thatthat "this"this tootoo shallshall pass"pass" LIVING AN ATTACHMENT DISORDERED LIFE

The Attachment Disordered child, generating these following results is more motivating than any conventional idea of success or positive accomplishment to themselves:

¾ Nourishing their subjective sense of power by striving to win oppositional battles, seeking to influence the behavior and feelings of others, and being unresponsive to others’ attempts to reach / influence them.

¾ Extending their power by claiming the very power to define reality itself (“crazy lying”).

¾ Avoiding ALL personal responsibility by playing the “victim role” when it is strategically convenient to do so.

¾ Reinforcing their sense of entitlement by disparaging / attacking others for not giving them what they want. ¾ Being mysterious, unknown, and confusing to others. ¾ Ruining others’ happiness because they find it intolerable to be around. ¾ Avoiding / dismissing any emotionally arousing experience regardless of the kind of emotion involved (with the exception of anger). ¾ Staying beyond the reach of anyone’s complements or praise. ¾ Maintaining and enhancing their negative feelings about themselves. ¾ Presenting themselves as entirely self-sufficient and therefore not in need of anything from anybody.

Common Causes of Attachment Problems (highest risk if these occur in first two years of life.)

1. Sudden or traumatic separation from primary caretaker (through death, illness, hospitalization of caretaker, or removal of child) 2. Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse 3. Neglect (of physical or emotional needs) 4. Illness or pain which cannot be alleviated by caretaker 5. Frequent moves and/or placements 6. Inconsistent or inadequate care at home or in day care (care must include holding, talking, nurturing, as well as meeting basic physical needs) 7. Chronic depression of primary caretaker 8. Neurological problem in child which interferes with perception of or ability to receive nurturing (i.e. babies exposed to crack cocaine in utero) BehaviorsBehaviors AssociatedAssociated withwith ProblematicProblematic AttachmentAttachment

A: Unable to engage in satisfying reciprocal relationship:

¾ 1. Superficially engaging, charming (not genuine) ¾ 2. Lack of eye contact ¾ 3. Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers ¾ 4. Lack of ability to give and receive affection on parents' terms (not cuddly) ¾ 5. Inappropriately demanding and clingy ¾ 6. Persistent nonsense questions and incessant chatter ¾ 7. Poor peer relationships ¾ 8. Low self esteem ¾ 9. Extreme control problems - may attempt to control overtly, or in sneaky ways B. Poor cause and effect thinking: 1. Difficulty learning from mistakes 2. Learning problems - disabilities, delays 3. Poor impulse control

C. Emotional development disturbed: child shows traits of young child in "oral stage" 1. Abnormal speech patterns 2. Abnormal eating patterns

D. Infantile fear and rage. Poor conscience development. 1. Chronic "crazy" lying 2. Stealing 3. Destructive to self, others, property 4. Cruel to animals 5. Preoccupied with fire, blood, and gore

E. "Negative attachment cycle" in family 1. Child engages in negative behaviors which can't be ignored 2. Parent reacts with strong emotion, creating intense but unsatisfying connection 3. Both parent and child distance and connection is severed SchoolSchool BehaviorBehavior ProblemsProblems

¾ Temper tantrums: Children with attachment disorders are quite capable of full-blown temper outbursts at school. Such outbursts can consist of any or all of the following: screaming, shouting, throwing objects, use of obscene language, verbal threats, physical threats, physical aggression, and running out of the classroom and sometimes all the way out of the building. Such extreme outbursts usually indicate that the child's anxiety has escalated, and the outburst is a desperate attempt to ward off the perceived threat. AD children can get to this level of anxiety in as little 1-2 minutes if they perceive a danger of sufficient magnitude. ¾ Regressive behaviors: Children with attachment disorders can exhibit a wide range of immature behaviors in the classroom, including: use of a babyish voice, crawling around on the floor, curling up under furniture, pretending to be an animal, noisemaking, preservative verbalizations, speaking nonsensical language, making graphic sexual and / or excretory remarks, giddyish forced laughter, and others. ¾ These regressive behaviors usually signal an upsurge of anxiety in the child, and they function both as a way to get away from the anxiety as well as to remove the child from the teacher's immediate control which serves to lessen the child's anxiety. Though these behaviors can appear bizarre, they usually do not mean that the child is psychotic at that moment. ¾ Provocative behaviors towards peers:

Children who have attachment disorders are deliberately provocative towards peers for a variety of reasons. Peers are vulnerable to react, and AD children will see the reaction as proof of their power to control others. Peers will need support and suggestions from adults to learn to minimize their responsiveness to the provocations. Provocative behavior, from an AD child towards peers, is almost impossible to eliminate solely by working with the AD child. ¾ Nuisance behaviors:

These are frequently occurring minor infractions (such as interrupting or asking excessive questions) that disrupt the simplest of everyday interactions. These nuisance kinds of behaviors serve a dual purpose. First, they serve as ongoing reminders that the AD student is not under the teacher's domain. Secondly, they are "probes" that the AD child sends out into the environment to acquire information about the situation. From others' reactions to these "behavioral probes", AD children begin to piece together who is punitive and who is supportive; who will respond and who will ignore; who has a short fuse and who has a longer fuse, etc. The AD child uses the responses to his probes to figure out how to "work" the adults. When the AD child feels confident that he knows how to maneuver the teacher, the "honeymoon" will be over. ¾ Work production: The AD child most often either refuses to do assignments outright or does them in a haphazard, perfunctory manner. Occasionally, these children will apply themselves and often turn in a credible product when they do so. These seeming "lightning bolts" of intelligence, motivation, and effort are generally all too appealing to the adult world of teachers and parents; and that is precisely their purpose. The AD child dangles these moments of production in front of the adults to tantalize them into a game of trying to figure out what to do to get the AD student to perform like this more often. Taking this bait and entering this game is exactly like stepping in quicksand. The more the adults struggle to get the child to perform, the deeper the adults sink into the muck. Meanwhile, the AD child is "laughing all the way to the bank". ¾ Support / Praise:

AD children commonly have one of three responses to receiving support and/or praise in the school setting: 1) accept the support without any clear overt reaction 2) reject the support outright 3) accept and then denigrate the support The AD student will recycle these three responses in an unpredictable sequence that defies any pattern. The teacher is left in the uncomfortable position of never knowing what will come back should support / praise be offered. Meanwhile, the child strategically creates the appearance of being immune to praise and support which is yet one more aspect of retaining control. ChildrenChildren withwith attachmentattachment disordersdisorders rarely,rarely, ifif ever,ever, expressexpress anyany gratitudegratitude forfor offersoffers ofof support,support, asas gratitudegratitude impliesimplies dependencedependence andand dependencedependence isis seenseen asas dangerousdangerous byby thethe ADAD child.child. KnowingKnowing thisthis upup frontfront cancan bebe aa bufferbuffer forfor teachersteachers againstagainst feelingfeeling unappreciatedunappreciated andand resentfulresentful whenwhen theirtheir extraextra effortsefforts gogo unrecognizedunrecognized byby thethe child.child. CHARACTERISTICS OF SCHOOLS THAT ARE “WELCOME”

¾ One of the primary defensive maneuvers that AD children rely on to maintain their psychological safety is that of projection. The many people present in the school context offers the AD child an abundance of targets for their projections. Because of their hyper vigilance, AD children are generally quite perceptive of others' vulnerabilities and skillful at striking at those vulnerabilities with their projections. This can make the projections seem very believable to the receiver which can put that person on the defensive.

¾ In general, teachers change every year. This provides a model of “short term attachment” which makes minimal to no demands for emotional honesty and intimacy. This circumvents AD children’s area of greatest vulnerability thereby avoiding provoking much of the problematic behavior typically seen at home. This can lull educators into seeing the AD child as more functional than is truly the case.

¾ School / home split: AD children frequently seek to pit school vs. home in the spirit of dividing and conquering the adults. Typically this takes the form of attempting to set the teacher up as a preferred parental figure and may go to the point of asking the teacher to adopt them away from their parents. These approaches can be quite seductive in their presentation and teachers need to be aware of not forming an opinion of the parents based on such interchanges with the child. ¾ IMPACTIMPACT ONON THETHE FAMILYFAMILY

¾ The parent in the primary caretaking role generally receives the brunt of the child's acting out as she is usually seen as the symbol for all of the ways adults have failed the child previously. ¾ Behavior is typically better when the other parent is home. This can create parental conflict, wherein the parents see each other as either minimizing problems or overreacting. The child will nourish this split and take full advantage of it to exercise control over the parents. CHILDREN WHO ARE ADOPTED OR FOSTERED

¾ Children who have been adopted are quite capable of blending their internal images of adoptive mother and birth mother without any recognition that they are doing so. It is almost as if they look at adoptive mother and see birth mother. ¾ In interacting with his adoptive mother, the AD child applies beliefs, feelings, and behaviors that developed with his birth mother, while thinking that he is interacting with his adoptive mother in present time. ¾ It is important that parents and child become aware that this mixing up of mothers is going on inside the child and that the maternal images get separated out, identifying birth mother with then and adoptive mother with now. FamilyFamily MattersMatters……..

¾ AD children can generate strong feelings of betrayal and suspicion in parents as a result of a repetitive pattern of making some beginning progress and then, as soon as the parents express some pleasure and hope, destroying the progress by backsliding. This is essentially one more method for seeking control of parents’ moods.

¾ Because AD children are so skilledskilled at charming others, and because the parents are struggling so hard, extended family and friends often offer little support and may even blame the parents for the child's extreme behavioral problems at home. Worse still, professionals all too often make this same mistake.

¾ AD children have a knack for ruining most planned, pleasurable, family activities, partly because they don’t know how to engage in such activities, partly because they fear being overlooked if everyone else is enjoying themselves, and partly because they are terrified of handing their parents the power to give them happiness.

¾ If there are siblings, eventually they become jealous and angry about the amount of family resources in terms of time, attention, energy, and money that the attachment disordered sibling is using up.

¾ PARENTING THE CHILD WITH ATTACHMENT DIFFICULTIES What doesn't work…………….. ¾ Rescuing the child from the consequences of her behavior and / or attempting to solve the AD child's problems for her.

¾ Emotional reactivity. AD children experience parents' frustration and anger as proof that the child is effectively controlling his parents' emotions. This only inflates their grandiose sense of power.

¾ Attempting to persuade the AD child to change his mind by presenting “logical, reasonable, or “practical information”. AD children are highly unlikely to be influenced by reasonableness. Adult efforts to do so look “stupid” to an AD child an can intensify his lack of feeling safe.

¾ Negotiating with an AD child. QuestionsQuestions parentsparents && teachersteachers shouldshould avoidavoid askingasking ::

¾ 1)“ Did you…?”- the answer will most likely be “no”. 2)“ Why did you…?”- the answer will likely be made up or “I don’t know.” 3)“ Do you remember…?”- the answer will be “no”. 4)” What did you say?”- see unintelligible speech.

¾ Questions to ask: ¾ How…?, How is it that…?, How does it happen that…?, What…? What happened ? Should a question be asked that goes unanswered, it can be useful to tell the AD child that if he doesn’t answer, you will make up the answer for him and count that as his answer and use it as the basis for any related decision you might have to make. ¾ “Why” questions : "Why?” questions from AD TheThe DangersDangers ofof TraditionalTraditional DisciplineDiscipline

¾ Instilling fear in children serves no purpose and creates feelings of shame and humiliation. Fear has been shown to lead to an increased risk of future antisocial behavior including crime and substance abuse ¾ Studies show that spanking and other physical discipline techniques can create ongoing behavioral and emotional problems ¾ Harsh, physical discipline teaches children that violence is the only way to solve problems ¾ Controlling or manipulative discipline compromises the trust between parent and child, and harms the attachment bond ¾ It is a sign of strength and personal growth for a parent to examine his or her own childhood experiences and how they may negatively impact their parenting, and to seek help if they are unable to practice positive discipline AA GentlerGentler ApproachApproach toto DisciplineDiscipline

¾ Maintain a positive relationship ¾ Use empathy and respect ¾ Research positive discipline ¾ Understand the unmet need ¾ Work out a solution together ¾ Be proactive ¾ Understand the child's developmental abilities ¾ Create a "yes" environment ¾ Discipline through play ¾ Change things up ¾ State facts rather than making demands ¾ Avoid labeling ¾ Make requests in the affirmative ¾ Allow natural consequences ¾ Use care when offering praise ¾ Use time-in rather than time-out ¾ Use time-in as a parent, too ¾ Talk to a child before intervening ¾ Don't force apologies ¾ Comfort the hurt child first ¾ Offer choices ¾ Be sensitive to strong emotions ¾ Consider carefully before imposing the parent's will ¾ Use logical consequences sparingly and with compassion ¾ Use incentives creatively with older children HelpfulHelpful WebWeb LinksLinks

¾ The New York Attachment Center provides the following links as recommendations but does not endorse any particular point of view. We merely wish to provide a comprehensive overview of attachment resources, theories and interventions. The Association for the Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children [ATTACh] ATTACh is an international coalition of professionals and families [of which we are a member] designed to meet the needs of attachment-challenged children. This organization is dedicated to providing education and public awareness through national membership and directories, annual conferences and quarterly newsletters. Their site also includes a helpful theoretical rationale for the treatment of attachment disorders provided by Dr. Victoria J. Kelly. http://www.attach.org/ ¾ The Attachment Disorder Network The Attachment Disorder Network provides a wealth of tools for families and professionals interested in attachment issues. The yearly subscriptions include newsletters, access to a lending library and a fantastic online community discussion board support group for professionals. List serves are also available for parents and siblings with attachment-challenged family members. http://www.radzebra.org/ ¾ Attachment Disorder Maryland We highly recommend visiting Attachment Disorder Maryland for additional online information regarding attachment issues. The site goes into some details on attachment theory, the functioning and behaviors of children with reactive attachment disorder, both at home and in the school environment, the characteristics of avoidant, ambivalent and disordered subtypes, and an explanation for how certain therapeutic, educational and parenting interventions do and don't work. http://www.attachmentdisordermaryland.com/ ¾ The Institute for Attachment & Child Development The Institute for Attachment & Child Development website contains a number of insightful research articles relating to attachment issues, treatment and differential diagnosis. In particular, we strongly recommend Dr. John Alston's article on the correlations between bipolar disorder and attachment disorder. Other studies include adult attachment issues, controversy over treatment methods, depression as it relates to parenting attachment-challenged children and school factors. http://www.instituteforattachment.org/ PostPost TestTest –– pleaseplease completecomplete andand turnturn inin toto youryour ProgramProgram ConsultantConsultant

¾ 1: What is Healthy Attachment? ¾ 2: Healthy attachments with one adult is associated with: ¾ ______¾ 3: Define attachment disorder. ¾ 4: Give 2 examples of developing healthy attachments with infants. ¾ 5: Give 2 examples of developing healthy attachments with infants. ¾ 6: What are the benefits of healthy attachment? Name 5 ¾ 7: What 4 strategies can be used to foster attachment? ¾ 8: Identify 5 ways to maintain a healthy balance as a caregiver. ¾ 9: In the Circle of trust, what are 3 ways to help a child feel safe? ¾ 10: Name 3 causes of attachment problems. ¾ 11: Name 2 behaviors in each of the 5 stages associated with attachment. ¾ 12: Identify 3 attachment behaviors in a school setting that may be evident? ¾ 13: How do children with attachment disorder impact family relationships? Identify the one you feel most strongly about and explain why. ¾ 14: Identify 5 gentler approaches to discipline.

¾ Name: ______Date: ______