BEYOND RAINBOWS: Affirming Mental Health Care with Gender and Sexuality Diverse Clients
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BEYOND RAINBOWS: Affirming Mental Health Care with Gender and Sexuality Diverse Clients Santa Clara County Behavioral Health Tuesday, October 23, 2018 1 PART 3: RELATIONAL STRUCTURE DIVERSITY 2 WORKING WITH POLYAMOROUS CLIENTS 3 Kel Walters TED Talk on Polyamory 4 A Definition Polyamory is a lifestyle in which a person may have more than one romantic relationship with consent and support expressed for this choice by each of the people concerned. –Weitzman, Davidson, and Phillips, NCSF 2009 5 Polyamory Basics ■ Poly = many/multiple; Amory = love ■ Nonmonogamy or multiple (romantic and/or sexual) relationships ■ Consensual nonmonogamy (CNM) is term often used ■ Different from polygamy/polygany (typically one man with many wives) ■ Consensual (different from cheating) ■ Boundaries are usually negotiated ■ Sometimes differentiated from open marriage or open relationship in that romantic bonds may be formed with more than one (primary) partner 6 Who is polyamorous? ■ Single people ■ Married people or people in long-term relationships ■ Families ■ Heterosexual people ■ LGBTQQI people ■ People who engage in BDSM, people who have no interest in BDSM ■ People of all cultural backgrounds: people of color, people with disabilities, religious, non-religious, gender-conforming, gender-non- conforming… 7 Examples of Polyamorous Relational Structures ■ Hierarchical: One primary relationship / one or more secondary relationship(s) ■ More than one relationship; not hierarchically ordered ■ One primary partner with emotional relationship / Sex with others allowed but no emotional relationships allowed (Nonmonogamy/Open relationship or marriage) ■ Poly family (similar to group marriage): A relationship between 3+ people that may or may not include sex. ■ No primary relationship; dating multiple partners ■ Mono/poly: Polyamorous partner(s) with monogamous partner(s) 8 9 Demographic data ■ While openly polyamorous relationships are relatively rare (Rubin, 1982), there are indications that private polyamorous arrangements within relationships are actually quite common. ■ Blumstein and Schwartz (1983) noted that of 3,574 married couples in their sample, 15-28% had "an understanding that allows nonmonogamy under some circumstances. ■ The percentages are higher among cohabitating couples (28%), lesbian couples (29%) and gay male couples (65%)" (p. 312). From What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory by Geri D. Weitzman, Ph.D. 10 Common Misconceptions and Therapist Errors ■ People who are polyamorous are afraid of commitment or intimacy. ■ All polyamorous people are sex and love addicts. ■ Poly relationships cannot be healthy ones. ■ Poly people are somehow “deviant” in terms of sexuality (sound familiar?). ■ People who open their relationships only do so as a last ditch effort to save their relationship. ■ Exposure to polyamory is damaging to children. ■ Poly relationships are more difficult or fraught with problems than monogamous ones. ■ The focus of therapy is always polyamory. ■ Polyamorous people don’t get jealous. 11 Why do poly people come to therapy? ■ Anxiety ■ Depression ■ Life transition ■ Grief ■ Help communicating relationship boundaries and agreements ■ Dealing with emotion regulation in the context of a relationship (e.g. strong emotions related to jealousy) ■ Relationship conflict ■ Someone has not kept to a commitment or boundary Many of these issues are very similar to reasons why people who are not poly seek therapy. 12 Jealousy? Compersion? ■ Jealousy often seen as either a human emotion that can signal something unresolved in oneself. ■ Jealousy is an emotion that partners seek to work through (rather than use as rationale for changing another’s choices/behavior). ■ Compersion: genuine happiness for another person’s pleasure. 13 Ways that Therapists Can Help Polyamorous Clients ■ Deciding if polyamory is right for them ■ Deciding what form of polyamory is best for them ■ Negotiating agreements and boundaries; communication ■ Building community with other polyamorous people ■ Providing psychoeducation and resources ■ Managing issues of disclosure (i.e., coming out to others about being polyamorous) ■ Coping with and combatting discrimination ■ Changing language on forms (i.e. "name of partner/s," not "name of spouse") ■ Learning more about polyamory issues Adapted from What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory by Geri D. Weitzman, Ph.D. 14 The Role of Privilege 15 Suggestions for Therapists ■ When seen in psychotherapy, the client may present as a polyamorous couple OR as multiple partners (e.g. 3 partners seek out therapy) ■ If you are open to working with multiple partners, you may want to consider changing the language you use in marketing your services – “relationship therapy” versus “couples therapy” – “couples and multiple partners” versus “couples therapy” ■ Check your assumptions and biases that may interfere with your clinical competence or objectivity ■ Listen to clients’ presenting problems and be careful to not make the “poly” issue the problem if it isn’t 16 CASE EXAMPLES 17 Case: Sasha ■ Sasha is a 42-year-old Latinx genderqueer/queer individual (they/them/their) ■ Has been in relationship with Joan for 7 years, has been in relationship with Mario for 2 years; non-hierarchical ■ Sasha and Mario are considering becoming parents; Joan will also help co-parent but to a lesser degree ■ Wants help with decision-making about how manage relationships and parenting responsibilities; also feels a great deal of stress related to medical process and wanting systems to recognize both partners 1. What questions would you have for Sasha? 2. How might you proceed? 18 Case: Jonathan and Madeline ■ Jonathan (White, cis straight man, 33yo) and Madeline (mixed race, API, cis queer woman) have been married for 10 years; happy and securely attached relationship ■ Madeline is interested in being polyamorous (she was before the marriage) ■ Jonathan is not interested in polyamory but wants Madeline to be happy; he experiences some jealousy but “believes he can work through this” ■ They come to your for couples therapy to negotiate nonmonogamy agreements 1. What else would you want to know? 2. How might you proceed? 19 Polyamory Resources: Books & Magazines Anapol, D. M. (1997). Polyamory: The new love without limits: Secrets of sustainable intimate relationships. Intinet Resource Center. Easton, D., & Hardy, J. W. (2009). The ethical slut: A practical guide to polyamory, open relationships and other adventures. Labriola, K. (2010). Love in Abundance: A Counselor’s Advice On Open Relationships. Greenery Press, 2010. Taormino, T. (2013). Opening up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships. Cleis Press. Xero Magazine on Polyamory: http://xeromag.com/fvpoly.html Veaux, F., & Rickert, E. (2014). More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory. Thorntree Press, LLC. 20 Polyamory Resources: Articles For Lovers and Fighters by Dean Spade: http://makezine.enoughenough.org/newpoly2.html Monogamy Privilege Checklist: by Cory Davis http://www.eastportlandblog.com/?p=9176 What Psychology Professionals Should Know About Polyamory by Geri D. Weitzman: http://www.polyamory.org/~joe/polypaper.htm#Demographic Therapy With Clients Who Are Bisexual and Polyamorous by Geri D. Weitzman, Ph.D.: http://www.numenor.org/~gdw/psychologist/bipolycounseling.html Working With Polyamorous Clients In The Clinical Setting by Joy Davidson: http://www.ejhs.org/volume5/polyoutline.html 21 Polyamory Resources: Groups Bay Area Open Minds (therapist network): http://bayareaopenminds.com More Than Two: Franklin Veauxs Polyamory Site: https://www.morethantwo.com National Coalition For Sexual Freedom: http://www.ncsfreedom.org The Polyamory Society: http://www.polyamorysociety.org Poly-Friendly Professionals: http://www.polychromatic.com/pfp/main.php Loving More: http://www.lovemore.com 22 PART 4: BDSM COMMUNITIES 23 RECENT MEDIA ATTENTION 24 DEFINITION “The knowing use of psychological dominance and submission, and/or physical bondage, and/or pain, and/or related practices in a safe, legal, consensual manner in order for the participants to experience erotic arousal and/or personal growth.” -Jay Wiseman, SM101 25 Who is kinky? ■ Straight people, gay people, queer people, lesbians ■ Monogamous, nonmonogamous people ■ People who play publicly ■ People who only play in private ■ People of all cultural backgrounds: people of color, people with disabilities, religious, non-religious, gender-conforming, gender- non-conforming… ■ People who wear leather, people who dont ■ People with an abuse history, people with no abuse history whatsoever. You can’t always tell whether someone is kinky by looking at them. 26 Terms and Roles Terms Roles (not static; may change depending on context or partner) Top or dominant Bottom or submissive Switch 27 Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) ■ "Safe" = being knowledgeable about what you are doing and the physical and emotional risks. ■ "Sane" = knowing the difference between fantasy and reality. Knowledgeable consent cannot be given by a child or under the influence of drugs or alcohol. ■ "Consensual" = respecting the limits imposed by each participant. One of the most easily recognized ways to maintain limits is through a "safeword" - in which the bottom/submissive can withdraw consent at any time with a single word or gesture. Critique: “Safe” is relative, denies that there is risk involved, “sane” is a forensics term and can be ableist/pathologizing 28 Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) ■ Risk-aware: