The Queen's Head #8 2 CONTENTS
Total Page：16
File Type：pdf, Size：1020Kb
1 The Queen's Head #8 2 CONTENTS EDITORIAL 3 THE ELASTIC WEDDING BAND by Camillus John 4 CAGED by Sarah Walters 9 THE CHAIR by Elliott Simpson 16 EXIT STRATEGIES by James Hodgson 22 BIRDHOUSES & MIDSECTION by Rachel Plummer 27 A LIFE EXAMINED by Elaine Gallagher 29 DELIA SMITH DOES NOT EXIST by Jenny Terpsichore Abeles 38 3 EDITORIAL incarnation of the Fechner. There are darkest darks, such as Sara There exists an optical illusion Walters’ Caged and James Hodgson’s called the Fechner Colour Effect, Exit Strategies, portraits of damaged discovered in the 1800s by a Mr Gustav minds spinning out of control, each by Fechner, an early pioneer in turns illusional and delusional. There experimental psychology and a founder are light-lights too, however: Camillus of psychophysics. Just think, having John’s The Elastic Wedding Band is a that on your business card. Although comedic slice of fatalistic surrealism technically the effect was first and industrial mishap, while Elaine observed by Benedict Prévost, Monk. Gallagher’s queer romance A Life Fancy having that on your business Examined finds renewed joy in lived card as well. Imagine if they were experience. But then, not everything is alternate sides of the same card. You’d as simple as a temporal modulation of be ever so impressive at networking local patterns. Between the black, events. between the white, you’ll find the rest: Anyhow, this effect is an illusion of Rachel Plummer’s poems colour, brought on by the rapid Midsection and Birdhouses which movement of black and white patterns. balance the visceral with grace and The colour isn’t there, but you see it all precision, Elliott Simpson’s New Chair, the same. Different people see a fabulist tale of Ottomannic different colours. Apart from epileptics, metamorphosis, and Jenny Terpsichore who are advised to stay well away from Abele’s encounter with the unverified, anything called a Benham Top, and in Delia Bacon Does Not Exist. All three don’t see anything. We’ve yet to figure blend the truth with the unexplainable out why, exactly, this effect occurs, and to disconcerting effect. for that matter so have scientists, who If, after exposure to all this strobing are much more familiar with the effect strangeness, you start seeing things than your editors, having dedicated that aren’t there – colours, loved ones, their entire lives to the pursuit of the intentions of the multiverse laid knowledge. We like to wait for bare like a Wikihow – well, you can’t knowledge to come to us. There’s such say we didn’t warn you. a thing as overkeen, you know. Still, we like to think of this issue of The Queen’s Head, our 8th, as a literary 4 THE ELASTIC could ever blame us. Our kiss of death will be guilt free. We’ll go down in WEDDING BAND history. Look at our situation for God’s by Camillus John sake. You won’t last a month, and by then we’ll just be fit to flop down When you know at any minute listlessly without the wherewithal to as you’re going to smack yourself up much as moisten our lips before the against your wife at more than one crash together comes, and our brains hundred miles an hour, your life tends are dashed over the four living room to lose a lot of its flavour. To say the walls.” least. And I did know that at any “What do you mean next month, minute I was going to smack myself up Chicken - me?” against my wife at more than one “You’re a woman. How could you hundred miles an hour, because it was physically last longer than me, a man? all authenticated by scientists. Who No matter how many squat-thrusts.” could do nothing to save her. Or me, “You’re a bastard, Chicken. A for that matter. They stated quite bastard. And I promise you now that I’ll emphatically that it just wasn’t out-squat-thrust you any day of the scientifically possible to prevent me week, onward to kingdom come.” from killing her. Like, bloody hell, in the “Well do that so, Honey.” “Don’t worry, Chicken, I will.” postmodern age of the bell-whistling And so it all began. She got Bookie, internet, this was quite distressing. our nice landlord, to put up a net- That’s why I offered her the kiss of curtain halfway across the room so she death right there and then on a plate, wouldn’t have to look at my rubbery instead of delaying the inevitable for a face ever again, and we squat-thrusted few weeks at most, I reckoned, eked ourselves onwards for day after day out with endless squat-thrusts for after day, from opposite ends of the strength (the basic up and down same room. variety, because nothing more was Because the basic up and down possible in our elasticated position). squat-thrust was the only sure-fire way “Let’s fling together, kiss and die we were going to survive, stuck as we gloriously, Honey. Come on. It’s the were, permanently, into our stretched most romantic thing we can ever elastic band. Many top-notch scientists possibly do. The repose of the had said so. Top notch? Okay, I come at happy. Abraham’s bosom. And no one 5 you straight here, no pussy-footing. We woman I wanted to spend the rest of could afford top-notch because both my life with, and now had to spend the our parents are quite well off and they rest of my life with, in permanent could supply us, Honey and I, with tension no less, at the opposite end of enough money for the rest of our lives, stretched elastic. How, indeed? so we didn’t have to worry about Ever since that night of Strip Snap working for a living like everyone else. the scientists asked us, can you Which meant, after said scientists’ maintain the tension between you? Do chin-stroking advice, we had the you want to maintain the tension? means to survive in our stretched Have you got the will-power to position until a solution could be maintain the tension and live? Of developed for our problem in the course we do, we screamed. Of fucking laboratory, because no man or woman course. We were fit people who ran can stand in the gravel-crunching path laps in the Phoenix Park as part of our of the march of technology without working week. Before. For fun. Before being pushed roughly aside. the elastic band. Nearly elite athletes The illustrious scientists employed at national level, both of us were, at by our parents were like professional school and beyond. Before the elastic boxing coaches pacing up to us band. Big and strong, and our parents between rounds, right in our faces, were rich bastards. How could we fail practically spitting. But only to to maintain the tension? How? motivate. So that we could maintain And Honey needed real life tension. the tension. Our wealthy parents got That’s how I interpreted the situation. them to the living room, in which we My comments, I never apologised for. were permanently stuck, many times Not a syllable. She needed to kick over with the power of the pound against my prickist attitudes to keep note. And each and every time it was her squat-thrusting onwards and the same. Keep up the squat-thrusts, upwards. The anger would maintain guys, they said. And we’ll develop a her focus, Grasshopper. I was a prickist. solution. Soon, we promise. Very soon Go for it, Honey. Hate me and live indeed. forever. And vice-versa her. But how could I concentrate when I Thus we watched and despised had to watch my eternal former lover each other through net-curtains eating through a net-curtain in the centre of a up our lives as best we could. Sleeping living room I could never leave? The standing up in our elastic band. One 6 eye open. Squat-thrusting and having you know you’re in the presence of the lovers in and out, over the years. person you’ll spend the rest of your life Always maintaining the tension. with, the person you’ll die beside, then Because we couldn’t get any closer to there’s only one course of action. each other. Which was our lives at ‘Let’s get inside that elastic band, opposite ends of the same room for Honey. It will bring us closer together.’ thirty long years. Together. But apart. It was only, of course, meant to be That’s all I could see. Each lover she a black joke and a laugh, but with beer, took giving my squats extra upward cigarettes and a strong connection, it thrust. Renewable heartbreak. Thirty became so compelling that we just years’ worth. And vice versa her. couldn’t not do it. Bookie worked an elastic band Probably. Since day one in Bookie’s factory for his daily bread and butter at house where we painted a bedroom the time. We should have paid him together. In the beginning. Bookie let us rent a room in his more rent, so he didn’t have to work house in Ballyfermot. We were a young there. Asked our parents for the cash. couple married almost two months at Wise after the event every time. that stage, saving for a deposit. Wink- Because, he checked in to the elastic wink to our rich-bastard parents.