10 Simple Strategies End Power Struggles

Home , Power Struggle (2020)

10 SIMPLE STRATEGIES to END POWER STRUGGLES

©2020 Transforming Toddlerhood | All Rights Reserved | www.transformingtoddlerhood.com | www.raisingtoddlersconference.com This is a paid product. The sharing, posting or distribution of this document is forbidden.* TRANSFORMING TODDLERHOOD OVERCOME THE CHALLENGES. EXPERIENCE THE JOY. Meet Devon Devon Kuntzman, ACC, B.A. child development, is a toddler parenting coach and a life design coach on a mission to transform the myth that toddlerhood is terrible.

Devon teaches parents it’s possible to embrace this sensitive developmental period and uncover the magic of toddlerhood while overcoming everyday challenges and keeping their sanity.

As an ICF certified coach, Devon empowers exhausted toddler parents to create calm and end power struggles by being the Loving Leader & Guide™ using effective, developmentally-appropriate parenting tools so they experience confidence and joy.

Over the last 15 years, Devon has dedicated her life to working with children and families. She has worked with hundreds of parents and children across three continents as a coach, former nanny for high- profile families and co-director of an orphanage in Rwanda.

Devon is a Certified Gentle Sleep Coach, a graduate of the Wonder Weeks Academy Infant Mental Health and Development Program, a registered yoga teacher and the founder of Transforming Toddlerhood.

Devon is passionate about toddlers, green juice, reading, traveling and holistic living. When she isn’t working with parents and toddlers, Devon can be found on her yoga mat, riding her bicycle or drinking kombucha (not all at the same time).

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When you wake up in the morning, do you sometimes feel like you are heading into battle as you replay the struggles you had yesterday (and the previous days) getting your toddler to get dressed, take a bath, eat dinner, get strapped into their car seat, etc,? Long gone are the days of having a baby going (mostly) with the flow of your life. Toddlerhood is marked by many challenges and many of them are centered around power struggles.

Power struggles arise when two people in a relationship are competing for control and trying to dominate the relationship in some way. At their essence, power struggles are a battle of wills. You have an agenda and so does your toddler. Have you noticed that the more you push your agenda the more your toddler digs into their position and pushes back with their agenda? Have you noticed how this triggered you and increases your attachment to your agenda until you either give in or explode? If this is you, you are not alone. This is the normal cycle of a power struggle. Does this mean that you and your little one are destined to be at odds with each other? Not at all! There are lots of things you can do as the Loving Leader & Guide™ for your child. You have the power to interrupt that cycle. The 10 strategies in the PDF will help you.

Before you dive in, there are two things I want you to know about power struggles that will set the stage for what you learn next.

It’s developmentally appropriate You can’t control another human being. for your toddler to seek control. This means you can’t control your child, and it’s The developmental task of toddlerhood is actually not your job to. Yes, it’s your job to keep for your little one to realize that they’re a your toddler safe. However, you can’t force your child separate individual from you and to start to form their self to sleep, eat, go to the bathroom, apologize, not call you names, identity. So when your toddler is fighting for what they want, not have a tantrum and to control their feelings and emotions. they’re not being bad or misbehaving but simply following It’s your job to guide your child to make good choices, but you their developmental drive. It’s your job as the Loving Leader can’t force it. Your toddler needs space to try, make mistakes, & Guide™ to show your toddler ways to exert their control learn and try again. The best way you can help your toddler with your boundaries. (See strategy #8 for more). learn is through guidance. This comes from setting clear limits and boundaries and giving emotional support through unconditional love.

Take a moment to embrace these two points. Give yourself permission to really allow them in. What would be possible if you shifted your mindset to hold these two points as truth? What impact would it have on your relationship with your toddler’s behavior? I invite you to keep them close as you move forward.

WITH LIGHT & LOVING KINDNESS, Devon

1 STOP TRYING TO WIN

You might be thinking “Wait! Pump the breaks! Is she telling me to give in and let my child do whatever they want?” Let me assure you this is NOT what I'm saying. As the parent, you are in charge but you also can’t control your toddler and force them to do things.

Remember, it takes two people to have a power struggle. The power struggle is only a struggle when you decide to engage in the fight.

This is a big mindset shift. Take a moment to check in with yourself. Think back to the last few power struggles you had with your toddler – what were you focused on? Most likely it was winning. When we are in a power struggle, our rational mind gets hijacked by a stress response and then we go into survival mode. In survival mode, we often unconsciously fight to be the winner because of course being the winner means surviving! However, when you are trying to win, you likely are not focused on the intention behind your request or your relationship with your child. Remember, no one wins in a power struggle. When you feel yourself locked into the power struggle, take a step back. Practice not taking the bait.

2 GET CALM

Make sure your little one is safe and then focus on interrupting your stress response so you can calm down. There isn’t a right way to calm yourself in the heat of the moment. You are a unique individual so what works for me won’t necessarily work for you. I like to walk to the window and look outside. Sometimes I even open it for a breath of fresh air. Other times, I like to lessen my momentum and sit or lay down where I’m at (usually at home). You can also take deep breaths, roll your shoulders, put your hand over your heart, look at a photo of your child as a baby, count backwards or forwards by intervals, close your eyes and visualize your happy place.

3 BRING CURIOSITY

If you’re frustrated or triggered during a power struggle, you may look at your toddler’s behavior as bad or done on purpose. I want to assure you that you toddler isn’t trying to be bad. Remember, all behavior is communication. Toddler behavior is driven by needs plus feelings and emotions. This is your opportunity to get curious. Ask yourself “What need is my toddler trying to commute with their behavior?” Cultivating curiosity in parenting can help in many ways. First, it allows you to slow down. When you take the time to get curious, it automatically creates a pause before you jump into the power struggle. Second, it gives you space to understand your toddler’s behavior on a deeper level so you can get to the root. Curiosity allows you to ask questions and understand your toddler’s point of view. Lastly, curiosity creates connection that puts you and your toddler on the same team.

CREATE SPACE 4 FOR LEARNING Give yourself the permission to take a step back from the power struggle. Remember, you can’t control another individual. Backing off allows you to create space for your toddler to experiment and learn from natural consequences. Natural consequences (or natural outcomes as I sometimes like to call them) are outcomes that happen as a result of a behavior that are not planned or controlled by someone or as a result of an adult imposing it. For example, your toddler doesn’t want to put on a jacket. Instead of being in a power struggle with your little one about putting it on, allow them to go outside without putting the jacket on. Bring it with you instead. Allow your child to experience the temperature for themselves and learn to put a jacket on when they get cold.

One way to remind yourself to create space is to actually physically take a step back when you notice yourself about to be sucked into a power struggle.

5 CONNECT BEFORE YOU DIRECT

Connection is a vital aspect of parenting toddlers. Why? Parenting is a relationship and relationships are built on trust and connection. The more connected your toddler feels to you, the more influence you have. Connection leads to cooperation. Does this mean that your toddler will listen to every word you say and everything you ask him to do? Not at all! Toddlers are impulsive, emotional and unique individuals who don’t like feeling controlled anymore than you do. However, when your toddler experiences you as on their team instead of fighting against them, it diffuses power struggles. That’s why it’s important to connect first and then set a limit or make a request. Sometimes a simple hug can do the trick. Or perhaps having a time-in together. I love the Time-In ToolKit by @GenerationMindful for setting up space that helps everyone calm down and connect. What other ways do you create connection with your toddler?

PROVIDE 6 VALIDATION Another way to get on your child’s team, create connection and diffuse power struggles is providing validation. It may not always look like it on the surface but deep down toddlers are constantly seeking our approval and unconditional love. When they feel seen, heard and understood, it creates connection. For example, when it’s time to go take a bath: “You really wish you could keep playing.” When it’s time to go to bed: “You feel angry that mommy is done reading. You love to read books before bed.” When your toddler wants pizza instead of what you cooked: “You want to have pizza for dinner. You don’t want chicken.” Remember, you can validate your child’s feelings and emotions without agreeing or giving in.

7 EXPLORE OPTIONS

There is more than one way to achieve a goal or get to a specific outcome. Notice if you are attached to things having to go a certain way – your way only. Explore how you could partner with your child to move forward in a way that meets both of your needs. For example, you want the toys to be picked up. What options can you create that will still get you to the goal? Perhaps you can be flexible about when. Or bring some fun to the moment by turning on some music or making a game out of it. You can also help your little one cleanup or cleanup on stages.

PRESENT 8 CHOICES Toddlers need to have a sense of control. They are driven to feel powerful. Toddlers spend a lot of their day doing (or trying to do) what adults ask of them. They don’t get to make a lot of decisions about their life. However, it’s not healthy for a toddler to choose their bedtime or have ice cream for their meals. Also, too much power can make a child feel out of control and unsafe emotionally. The key is to give your toddler a sense of control while still being in charge. The best way to do this is to present two choices that are within your boundaries. For example: “It’s time to go. Would you like to put your shoes on now or in the car?” or “Do you want to brush your teeth before your bath or afterwards?” The goal is to empower your child, not overpower them.

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9 SET LIMITS CONSISTENTLY

Toddlers thrive on consistency because it gives them a sense of predictability which supports their need for a sense of control. This especially applies to setting limits. If you are inconsistent in setting limits, then your toddler will have less of a sense of predictability. This will trigger their developmental drive to experiment with the boundary. Your toddler will push against the limit to test it because they think there is a chance you will give in. As a result, you may get triggered and then experience more power struggles as your toddler tests your limits to see what sticks. Remember, consistency doesn’t mean doing it 100% of the time. It means creating a sense of predictability where it happens most of the time.

Do you set limits consistently? If not, what gets in the way?. Are you avoiding your child’s possible upset as a result of the limit? My biggest piece of advice is to not fear your child’s reactions to your limit. This is the #1 thing that will derail your consistency. Upset is a normal reaction, and your child needs a safe place to off load it. Give your child permission to experience the full range of emotions and express their frustration.

GIVE 10 ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

Part of a toddler’s drive to exert their will is to be seen and heard. If you’re in the trenches of parenting, your toddler may be orienting your awareness mostly towards what’s not working, how often your toddler has the behavior you don’t want to see and how the outcome you expect isn’t happening. Making these the point of your focus will keep you more attached to winning the power struggle. I invite you to shift your perspective to start looking for the positive. Look for what’s right about the behavior. Look for the behavior you want to see and acknowledge it. For example: “I appreciate you telling me how you feel” or “Thank you for telling me what you want” or “ We solved the problem together. Thanks for helping me.”

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Parenting your toddler in a way that is respectful, positive and effective is a learned skill.

Practice makes progress. The more you practice, the more you will learn about yourself and your little one. This is how you learn to trust yourself and your child as well as create confidence in your parenting abilities.

Which strategy will you practice first?

If you feel discouraged when it doesn’t go how you plan, remember that each and every moment is an invitation to try again. You just have to say yes to the invitation.

Do you like what you have learned so far? Are you ready for more?

If you are at the beginning of your parenting journey, I recommend the TODDLER PARENTING STARTER KIT.

In this 10-part video series, you’ll learn the 10 core aspects of parenting toddlers. Unlock the keys to understanding behavior, creating calm, navigating tantrums, and more – and take away action steps to implement practices and start seeing results ASAP.

If you are ready for respectful, positive, developmentally-appropriate tools that will help you overcome the challenges of toddlerhood within a supportive community of parents just like you, join the TRANSFORMING TODDLERHOOD PARENTING ACADEMY.

The toddler years can be challenging.

Remember that parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. It’s a continuous process of learning, self-reflection and personal growth.

You don’t have to do it alone. The support you deserve is waiting for you.

I can’t wait to connect with you!

WITH LIGHT & LOVING KINDNESS, Devon