10 SIMPLE STRATEGIES to END POWER STRUGGLES ©2020 Transforming Toddlerhood | All Rights Reserved | www.transformingtoddlerhood.com | www.raisingtoddlersconference.com This is a paid product. The sharing, posting or distribution of this document is forbidden.* TRANSFORMING TODDLERHOOD OVERCOME THE CHALLENGES. EXPERIENCE THE JOY. Meet Devon Devon Kuntzman, ACC, B.A. child development, is a toddler parenting coach and a life design coach on a mission to transform the myth that toddlerhood is terrible. Devon teaches parents it’s possible to embrace this sensitive developmental period and uncover the magic of toddlerhood while overcoming everyday challenges and keeping their sanity. As an ICF certified coach, Devon empowers exhausted toddler parents to create calm and end power struggles by being the Loving Leader & Guide™ using effective, developmentally-appropriate parenting tools so they experience confidence and joy. Over the last 15 years, Devon has dedicated her life to working with children and families. She has worked with hundreds of parents and children across three continents as a coach, former nanny for high- profile families and co-director of an orphanage in Rwanda. Devon is a Certified Gentle Sleep Coach, a graduate of the Wonder Weeks Academy Infant Mental Health and Development Program, a registered yoga teacher and the founder of Transforming Toddlerhood. Devon is passionate about toddlers, green juice, reading, traveling and holistic living. When she isn’t working with parents and toddlers, Devon can be found on her yoga mat, riding her bicycle or drinking kombucha (not all at the same time). WWW.TRANSFORMINGTODDLERHOOD.COM ©2020 Transforming Toddlerhood | All Rights Reserved | www.transformingtoddlerhood.com | www.raisingtoddlersconference.com This is a paid product. The sharing, posting or distribution of this document is forbidden.* A quick note to get started When you wake up in the morning, do you sometimes feel like you are heading into battle as you replay the struggles you had yesterday (and the previous days) getting your toddler to get dressed, take a bath, eat dinner, get strapped into their car seat, etc,? Long gone are the days of having a baby going (mostly) with the flow of your life. Toddlerhood is marked by many challenges and many of them are centered around power struggles. Power struggles arise when two people in a relationship are competing for control and trying to dominate the relationship in some way. At their essence, power struggles are a battle of wills. You have an agenda and so does your toddler. Have you noticed that the more you push your agenda the more your toddler digs into their position and pushes back with their agenda? Have you noticed how this triggered you and increases your attachment to your agenda until you either give in or explode? If this is you, you are not alone. This is the normal cycle of a power struggle. Does this mean that you and your little one are destined to be at odds with each other? Not at all! There are lots of things you can do as the Loving Leader & Guide™ for your child. You have the power to interrupt that cycle. The 10 strategies in the PDF will help you. Before you dive in, there are two things I want you to know about power struggles that will set the stage for what you learn next. It’s developmentally appropriate You can’t control another human being. for your toddler to seek control. This means you can’t control your child, and it’s The developmental task of toddlerhood is actually not your job to. Yes, it’s your job to keep for your little one to realize that they’re a your toddler safe. However, you can’t force your child separate individual from you and to start to form their self to sleep, eat, go to the bathroom, apologize, not call you names, identity. So when your toddler is fighting for what they want, not have a tantrum and to control their feelings and emotions. they’re not being bad or misbehaving but simply following It’s your job to guide your child to make good choices, but you their developmental drive. It’s your job as the Loving Leader can’t force it. Your toddler needs space to try, make mistakes, & Guide™ to show your toddler ways to exert their control learn and try again. The best way you can help your toddler with your boundaries. (See strategy #8 for more). learn is through guidance. This comes from setting clear limits and boundaries and giving emotional support through unconditional love. Take a moment to embrace these two points. Give yourself permission to really allow them in. What would be possible if you shifted your mindset to hold these two points as truth? What impact would it have on your relationship with your toddler’s behavior? I invite you to keep them close as you move forward. WITH LIGHT & LOVING KINDNESS, Devon ©2020 Transforming Toddlerhood | All Rights Reserved | www.transformingtoddlerhood.com | www.raisingtoddlersconference.com This is a paid product. The sharing, posting or distribution of this document is forbidden.* 10 SIMPLE STRATEGIES to End Power Struggles 1 STOP TRYING TO WIN You might be thinking “Wait! Pump the breaks! Is she telling me to give in and let my child do whatever they want?” Let me assure you this is NOT what I'm saying. As the parent, you are in charge but you also can’t control your toddler and force them to do things. Remember, it takes two people to have a power struggle. The power struggle is only a struggle when you decide to engage in the fight. This is a big mindset shift. Take a moment to check in with yourself. Think back to the last few power struggles you had with your toddler – what were you focused on? Most likely it was winning. When we are in a power struggle, our rational mind gets hijacked by a stress response and then we go into survival mode. In survival mode, we often unconsciously fight to be the winner because of course being the winner means surviving! However, when you are trying to win, you likely are not focused on the intention behind your request or your relationship with your child. Remember, no one wins in a power struggle. When you feel yourself locked into the power struggle, take a step back. Practice not taking the bait. 2 GET CALM Make sure your little one is safe and then focus on interrupting your stress response so you can calm down. There isn’t a right way to calm yourself in the heat of the moment. You are a unique individual so what works for me won’t necessarily work for you. I like to walk to the window and look outside. Sometimes I even open it for a breath of fresh air. Other times, I like to lessen my momentum and sit or lay down where I’m at (usually at home). You can also take deep breaths, roll your shoulders, put your hand over your heart, look at a photo of your child as a baby, count backwards or forwards by intervals, close your eyes and visualize your happy place. ©2020 Transforming Toddlerhood | All Rights Reserved | www.transformingtoddlerhood.com | www.raisingtoddlersconference.com This is a paid product. The sharing, posting or distribution of this document is forbidden.* 10 SIMPLE STRATEGIES to End Power Struggles 3 BRING CURIOSITY If you’re frustrated or triggered during a power struggle, you may look at your toddler’s behavior as bad or done on purpose. I want to assure you that you toddler isn’t trying to be bad. Remember, all behavior is communication. Toddler behavior is driven by needs plus feelings and emotions. This is your opportunity to get curious. Ask yourself “What need is my toddler trying to commute with their behavior?” Cultivating curiosity in parenting can help in many ways. First, it allows you to slow down. When you take the time to get curious, it automatically creates a pause before you jump into the power struggle. Second, it gives you space to understand your toddler’s behavior on a deeper level so you can get to the root. Curiosity allows you to ask questions and understand your toddler’s point of view. Lastly, curiosity creates connection that puts you and your toddler on the same team. CREATE SPACE 4 FOR LEARNING Give yourself the permission to take a step back from the power struggle. Remember, you can’t control another individual. Backing off allows you to create space for your toddler to experiment and learn from natural consequences. Natural consequences (or natural outcomes as I sometimes like to call them) are outcomes that happen as a result of a behavior that are not planned or controlled by someone or as a result of an adult imposing it. For example, your toddler doesn’t want to put on a jacket. Instead of being in a power struggle with your little one about putting it on, allow them to go outside without putting the jacket on. Bring it with you instead. Allow your child to experience the temperature for themselves and learn to put a jacket on when they get cold. One way to remind yourself to create space is to actually physically take a step back when you notice yourself about to be sucked into a power struggle. ©2020 Transforming Toddlerhood | All Rights Reserved | www.transformingtoddlerhood.com | www.raisingtoddlersconference.com This is a paid product. The sharing, posting or distribution of this document is forbidden.* 10 SIMPLE STRATEGIES to End Power Struggles 5 CONNECT BEFORE YOU DIRECT Connection is a vital aspect of parenting toddlers.